Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.
Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed, what’s your point?
Sheldon: There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Hang on.
Leonard: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti.
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
Sheldon: I think this is the place.
Receptionist: Fill these out.
Leonard: Thank-you. We’ll be right back.
Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.
(They sit and begin to fill in forms).
Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.
Leonard: What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.
Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.
Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.
Leonard: I’m sure she’ll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t.
Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?
Sheldon: I want to leave.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?
Leonard: I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.
Leonard: Okay.

Receptionist: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye-bye
Leonard: See you.
Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.
Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right.
Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard: New neighbour?
Sheldon: Evidently.
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.
Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Penny: Oh, hi!
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi?
Leonard: We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard: Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Penny: Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbour, Penny.
Leonard: Leonard, Sheldon.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.
Penny: Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Great.
Leonard: Great. Well, bye.
Penny: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye.
Leonard: Bye.
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.
Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.
Leonard: I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.
Leonard: Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon: To what end?
Leonard: Hi. Again.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny: Oh, you’re inviting me over to eat?
Leonard: Uh, yes.
Penny: Oh, that’s so nice, I’d love to.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Leonard: Okay, well, make yourself at home.
Penny: Okay, thankyou.
Leonard: You’re very welcome.
Penny: This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?
Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.
Penny: Wow.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny: So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes.
Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”
Leonard: At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.
Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?
Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.
Penny: So, sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: What’s the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
Penny: Do you want me to move?
Sheldon: Well.
Leonard: Just sit somewhere else.
Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)
Leonard: Sheldon, sit!
Sheldon: Aaah!
Leonard: Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over.
Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.
Leonard: Yes I now, but…
Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.
Leonard: Yes, I remember.
Sheldon: I resent you saying we don’t have company.
Leonard: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication.
Leonard: I said I’m sorry.
Penny: So, Klingon boggle?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.
Sheldon: That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn.
Leonard: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?
Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You’re lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don’t eat it, I just think it’s a good idea.
Penny: Oh, anyways, I’m also writing a screenplay. It’s about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: So it’s based on your life?
Penny: No, I’m from Omaha.
Leonard: Well, if that was a movie I would go see it.
Penny: I know, right? Okay, let’s see, what else? Um, that’s about it. That’s the story of Penny.
Leonard: Well it sounds wonderful.
Penny: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.
Sheldon (mouths): What’s happening.
Leonard (mouths back): I don’t know.
Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School.
Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School?
Leonard: Don’t.
Penny: I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.
Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.
Sheldon: You? No, you’ll only make it worse.
Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No, it’s not crazy it’s, uh, uh, it’s a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn’t make it worse.
Penny: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: It’s right down the hall.
Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
Leonard: That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode.
Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out.
Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.
Leonard: Well I’m not trying to have sex with her.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.
Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female?
Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.
Leonard: I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour.
Sheldon: Oh, of course.
Leonard: That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.
Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard: It’s Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker’s the conditioner.
Howard: Wait till you see this.
Raj: It’s fantastic. Unbelievable.
Leonard: See what?
Howard: It’s a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This is not a good time.
Howard: It’s before he became a creepy computer voice:.
Leonard: That’s great, you guys have to go.
Raj: Why?
Leonard: It’s just not a good time.
Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Howard: Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?
Leonard: No. And she’s not a lady, she’s just a new neighbour.
Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here?
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Howard: And you want us out because you’re anticipating coitus?
Leonard: I’m not anticipating coitus.
Howard: So she’s available for coitus?
Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?
Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Penny: Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower. Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!
Howard: Enchante Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it’s currently orbiting Jupiter’s largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.
Penny: Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Come on, I’ll show you the trick with the shower.
Howard: Bon douche.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: It’s French for good shower. It’s a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.
Howard: See-ka-tong-guay-jow.
Scene: In the bathroom.
Leonard: Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I’m sorry.
Penny: Okay. Thanks.
Leonard: You’re welcome, oh, you’re going to step right, okay, I’ll….
Penny: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: The hair products are Sheldon’s.
Penny: Um, okay. Can I ask you a favour.
Leonard: A favour? Sure, you can ask me a favour, I would do you a favour for you.
Penny: It’s okay if you say no.
Leonard: Oh, I’ll probably say yes.
Penny: It’s just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you’ve just met.
Leonard: Wow.
Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard’s car
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Leonard: That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come.
Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.
Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon: No I don’t. And neither do you.
Leonard: Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?
Leonard: No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us can’t even carry a TV.
Scene: Back at the apartment.
Penny (to Raj): So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University?
(Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful).
Penny: Uh, I’m sorry, do you speak English?
Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just can’t speak to women.
Penny: Really, why?
Howard: He’s kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Scene: Outside Penny’s old apartment building.
Leonard (pushes buzzer): I’ll do the talking.
Voice from buzzer: Yeah.
Leonard: Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.
Voice: Get lost.
Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.
Leonard: We’re not going to give up just like that.
Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.
Sheldon: My apologies. What’s your plan.
(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.)
Sheldon: It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?
Leonard: Just grab the door.
Scene: Outside Penny’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment.
Leonard: This is it. (Knocks.) I’ll do the talking.
Sheldon: Good thinking, I’ll just be the muscle.
Enormous man: Yeah?
Leonard: I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon: From the intercom.
Man: How the hell did you get in the building?
Leonard: Oh. We’re scientists.
Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.
Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: You’re going to have to call her.
Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard’s building.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.
Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.
Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.
Leonard: Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone.
Sheldon: Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, you’re a good friend.
Sheldon: And you’re certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.
Scene: Inside Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Howard: This is one of my favourite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great house ale.
Penny: Wow, cool tiger.
Howard: Yeah, I’ve had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.
Penny: Uh, sounds interesting.
Howard: So you’ll think about it?
Penny: Oh, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop thinking about it.
Raj: Smooth.
Leonard: We’re home.
Penny: Oh, my God, what happened?
Leonard: Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.
Penny: I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?
Penny: Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?
Leonard: Really? Great.
Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
Scene: All five in Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: They’re both curry based cuisines.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.
Penny: Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.)
Howard: Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.
Penny: That sounds like fun.
Howard (sings): Baby, baby don’t get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don’t get hooked on me.
Sheldon: I don’t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you’re a veritable Mack Daddy.
Written by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are present.
Leonard: There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts.
Howard: But does it have peanut oil?
Leonard: Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
Sheldon: Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
Raj: Are there any chopsticks?
Sheldon: You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
Leonard: Ask him for a napkin, I dare you. (There is a knock on the door.) I’ll get it.
Howard: Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.
(Leonard opens door to Penny, steps into hallway)
Penny: Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi Penny.
Penny: Am I interrupting.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon (off): You’re not swelling, Howard.
Howard (off): No, no, look at my fingers, they’re like Vienna sausages.
Penny: Sounds like you have company.
Leonard: They’re not going anywhere. (Closes door, staying in hallway.) So, you’re coming home from work. That’s great. How was work.
Penny: Well, you know, it’s the Cheesecake Factory. People order cheesecake, and I bring it to them.
Leonard: So, you sort of act as a carbohydrate delivery system.
Penny: Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something, I was….
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Oh. Okay, great, I’m having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so…. (apartment door opens, Sheldon, Raj and Howard appear) Oh! Hel…hello!
Howard: (speaks a phrase in Russian).
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: Haven’t you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?
Penny: No, I haven’t.
Howard: Get used to it.
Penny: Yeah, I probably won’t, but… Hey Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?
Sheldon: Don’t take it personally, it’s his pathology, he can’t talk to women.
Howard: He can’t talk to attractive women, or in your case a cheesecake–scented Goddess!
Leonard: So, there’s gonna be some furniture delivered?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I’m not here tomorrow could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment.
Leonard: Yeah, no problem.
Penny: Great, here’s my spare key. Thank you.
Leonard: Penny, wait.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You’re kidding, right?
Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?
Leonard,Sheldon and Howard together: One. (Raj raises one finger).
Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
Penny: Yes, I know, men can’t fly.
Sheldon: Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.
Leonard: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.
Howard: Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny: I’m just going to go wash up.
Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
Sheldon: Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out.
Raj: Also, the pretty girl left.
Credit sequence.
Scene: Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Leonard is signing for the delivery.
Leonard: Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this.
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard: Do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Time shift, Leonard and Sheldon are now lowering the package onto the bottom of the stairs.
Leonard: Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.
Sheldon: Exactly half.
Leonard (snarkily): Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.
Sheldon: What’s your formula for the corner.
Leonard: What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.
(Sheldon heads up the stairs. The package slides back down to the bottom.)
Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
Time shift, they now have the package on an upstairs hallway, not their own.
Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Leonard: I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.
Quick cut to the hallway of their floor, they are nearing the top of the staircase.
Leonard: Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)
Sheldon: No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.
Scene: Inside Penny’s apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.
Sheldon: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?
Leonard: So Penny’s a little messy.
Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale.
Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.
Leonard: Come on, we should go.
Sheldon: Hang on.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Straightening up.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.
Leonard: When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place.
Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.
Leonard: What were you doing in his closet?
Sheldon: I helped run some cable for a webcam.
Penny (entering): Hey guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.
Penny: Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?
Sheldon: (sucks in breath)
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, we’ll get out of your hair.
Penny: Oh, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).
Sheldon: Penny, I just want you to know that, you don’t have to live like this. I’m here for you.
Penny: What’s he talking about?
Leonard: It’s a joke.
Penny: I don’t get it.
Leonard: Yeah, he didn’t tell it right.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom, he is asleep. Sound of door opening and closing somewhere else is heard. Leonard wakes, puts on his glasses and looks at the clock. It is 2:16.
Leonard: Sheldon?
Scene: The living room. Leonard enters carrying a light sabre.
Leonard: Sheldon? Hello?
(Notices front door is open, turns off light sabre.)
Scene: Penny’s apartment, penny is sleeping, Sheldon is cleaning. Leonard enters.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.
Leonard: Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.
Leonard: Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.
Leonard: Sheldon, we have to get out of here.
(Penny snores)
Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
Leonard: That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.)
Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.
Leonard (doing likewise): Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go.
Sheldon: I am not leaving until I’m done.
Leonard: O-o-o-oh! (Collapses against wall).
Sheldon: If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Leonard: Oh, what the hell.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room, morning. Sheldon enters, singing to himself.
Sheldon: Morning.
Leonard: Morning.
Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.
Leonard: I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Leonard: You think?
Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.
Leonard: You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses a line?
Leonard: Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?
Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
Sheldon: Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.
Penny (voice off): Son of a Bitch!
Leonard: Penny’s up.
Penny (voice off): You sick, geeky bastards!
Leonard: How did she know it was us?
Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Penny (voice off): Leonard!
Leonard: God, this is going to be bad.
Sheldon: Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.
Penny (entering): You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?
Leonard: Yes, but, only to clean.
Sheldon: Really more to organise, you’re not actually dirty, per se.
Penny: Give me back my key.
Leonard: I’m very, very sorry.
Penny: Do you understand how creepy this is.
Leonard: Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.
Penny: In my apartment, while I was sleeping.
Sheldon: And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!
Penny: God!
Leonard: Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.
Penny: Stay away from me.
Leonard: Sure, that’s another way to go.
Sheldon: Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.
Leonard: You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny?
Sheldon: That wasn’t sarcasm?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.
Penny (opening door): What?
Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won’t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.
Scene: The stairwell. Raj is coming up the stairs, he meets Penny who is going down.
Penny: Hey Raj. (Raj stands looking uncomfortable.) Hey, listen, I don’t know if you heard about what happened last night with Leonard and Sheldon, but I’m really upset about it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?
Raj (internally, while Penny continues to talk): Ooh, she’s standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?
Penny: You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot, okay? And you don’t shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?
Raj (internally): She’s so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I’d be better off with an Indian girl. We’d have the same cultural background, and my wife would sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me.
Penny: It’s obvious that they meant well, but I’m just, I’m having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it’s just freaking me out.
Raj (internally sings an Indian lullaby.)
Penny: I mean, just because most of the men I’ve known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn’t mean I should just assume Leonard and Sheldon are. Right?
Raj (internally): She asked me a question. I should probably nod. (Does.)
Penny: That’s exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You’re a doll. (She hugs him.)
Raj (internally): Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis. (Does.)
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room. Howard is there, playing on a dance video game.
Howard (jumping off game mat): Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.
Leonard: It’s fine. You win.
Howard: What’s his problem?
Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard: Been there.
Raj (entering): Hello. Sorry I’m late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.
Howard: Really? You? Rajesh Koothrapali, spoke to Penny?
Raj: Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
Leonard: What did she say? Is she still mad at me?
Raj: Well, she was upset at first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and… then she hugged me.
Howard: She hugged you? How did she hug you? (Raj hugs Howard.) Is that her perfume I smell?
Raj: intoxicating, isn’t it?
Scene: The hallway, Leonard puts a note under Penny’s door. It opens.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: What’s going on?
Leonard: Um, here’s the thing. (Reads from note.) Penny. Just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgement. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognise one’s mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie’s discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of ebola research….
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny (hugs him): We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are trying to construct furniture.
Leonard: Six two inch dowels.
Sheldon: Check.
Leonard: One package, Phillips head screws.
Sheldon: Check.
Penny: Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre.
Leonard: No, please, we insist, it’s the least we can do considering.
Sheldon: Considering what? How great this place looks?
Howard (across room with Raj): Oh boy, I was afraid of this.
Leonard: What?
Howard: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Penny: Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.
Leonard: It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
Sheldon: We could put her stereo back there.
Leonard: And control it how?
Sheldon: Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): Good point, how you gonna cool it?
Penny: Hey guys, I got this.
Sheldon: Hang on Penny. How about fans, here and here?
Leonard: Also inefficient, and might be loud.
Howard: How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC…
Penny: Guys, this is actually really simple.
Howard: Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.
Leonard: Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?
Sheldon: And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.
Penny: Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes.
Leonard: Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium.
Sheldon: Right, then the entire thing’s one big heat sink.
Howard: Perfect, Leonard, why don’t you and Sheldon go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square metres of scrap aluminium, Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetaline torch.
Leonard: Meet back here in an hour?
Howard: Done.
Leonard: Got it. (They all leave).
Penny: Okay, this place does look pretty good.
Teleplay: Robert Cohen & Dave Goetsch
Story: Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are using laptops. All are wearing microphone headsets.
Howard: Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.
Sheldon: Good lord!
Raj: Oooh.
Leonard: Don’t panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard: Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.
Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.
Sheldon: Lock and load.
Howard: Raj, blow up the gates.
Raj: Blowing the gates. Control, shift, B! Oh, my God, so many goblins!
Howard: Don’t just stand there, slash and move, slash and move.
Leonard: Stay in formation.
Howard: Leonard, you’ve got one on your tail.
Leonard: That’s alright, my tail’s prehensile, I’ll swat him off.
Raj: I’ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: Raj, no, it’s a trap, they’re flanking us!
Raj: Oooh, he’s got me.
Howard: Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster!
Howard: Leonard look out!
Leonard: Dammit man, we’re dying here.
Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.
Raj: He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money, who are you?
Sheldon: I’m a rogue knight elf, don’t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”
Howard: I am the Swordmaster!
Credits sequence
Scene: The same.
Sheldon: Wooh, I’m all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.
Leonard: No, I can’t look at you or your avatar right now.
(Sound of female laughter from out in the hall).
Howard: Sounds like your neighbour’s home.
Leonard: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Don’t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you’d have an excuse to talk to her.
Leonard: Oh, right, right right right right.
Howard: Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.
Leonard (exiting to hallway): Penny, the mailman did it again, he… (looks up to see Penny kissing a hunky man) Oh! Sorry.
Penny: Um, no, hi Leonard, this is Doug, Doug, this is my neighbour Leonard.
Doug: What’s up bro.
Leonard: Not much. Bro.
Penny: Is, is everything okay.
Leonard: Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here.
Penny: Thank you, I’ve got to talk to that mailman.
Leonard: Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.
Penny: Okay, well, thank you, again.
Leonard: No problem. Bye. Oh, and, bye, bro! (Returns to apartment).
Sheldon: Penny for your thoughts.
Raj: What’s the matter.
Leonard: No, I’m fine. Penny’s fine, the guy she’s kissing is really fine and…
Howard: Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Howard: I’m a romantic.
Sheldon: Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
Leonard: No, I’m not jealous, I’m just a little concerned for her. I didn’t like the look of the guy that she was with.
Howard: Because he looked better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.
Howard: I disagree, love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.
Leonard: Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.
Raj: Like who?
Leonard: I don’t know. Olivia Geiger?
Sheldon: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Lesley Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability.
Howard: I don’t know, you guys work in the same lab.
Leonard: So?
Howard: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I’m… a bit of a self-taught expert.
Leonard: Look, Howard, if I were to ask Lesley Winkle out it would just be for dinner, I’m not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Howard: Oh, then you’re probably okay.
Scene: Howard and Lesley’s lab.
Leonard: Hello Lesley.
Lesley: Hi Leonard.
Leonard: Lesley I would like to propose an experiment.
Lesley: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. Lesley, I would like to propose an experiment.
Lesley: Hang on. I’m trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o’ noodles.
Leonard: Pfff, I’ve done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Lesley: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterise it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component. But we don’t need to quibble over terminology.
Lesley: What sort of experiment would you propose?
Leonard: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Lesley: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.
Leonard: Heartrate, pheromones, etc, yes.
Lesley: Well, why don’t we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.
Leonard: You mean, kiss you now?
Lesley: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Lesley: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?
Leonard: Thank you. (Takes mint). Shall I count down from three?
Lesley: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.
(They kiss.)
Lesley: What do you think.
Leonard: You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.
Lesley: Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.
Leonard: None?
Lesley: None.
Leonard: Ah. Well, thank you for your time.
Lesley: Thank you.
(They shake hands. Leonard leaves. Then returns.)
Leonard: None at all?
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s flat. Sheldon, Raj and Howard are playing Jenga.
Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Howard: Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot.
Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s going on.
Sheldon: The internet’s been down for half an hour.
Raj: Also, Sheldon may be a robot.
Howard: So, how did it go with Lesley?
Leonard: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don’t know if I can take it.
Raj: You could power down.
Howard: Well, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women, and Leonard could have his pick.
Scene: A salsa class. The four guys and a random fat bloke salsa opposite five middle-aged women.
Class instructor: Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven.
Howard (to Leonard): I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat.
Scene: The flat, Leonard is entering, singing to himself a depressing emo song.
Sheldon: Oh, good lord.
Leonard (singing): You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that’s a good song.
Sheldon: If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.
Leonard: I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.
Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me…
Leonard: I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?
Leonard: Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny.
Leonard: It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me.
Sheldon: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.
Leonard: You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out.
Sheldon: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat.
Leonard: No, but you’re right. I should march over there and ask her out.
Sheldon: Oh, goody, we’re getting a cat.
Scene: The hallway. Leonard knocks on Penny’s door.
Penny (opening door): Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Good afternoon Penny, so hi, hey. Uh… I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Penny: Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?
Leonard: There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
Penny: Supper?
Leonard: Or dinner. I was thinking six thirty, if you can go, or a different time.
Penny: Uh, six thirty’s great.
Leonard: Really? Great!
Penny: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Leonard: Us guys?
Penny: You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj, who all’s coming?
Leonard: They…. might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there, uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns, for example Sheldon had Quizznos for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn’t, it’s no fault of Quizznos, they have a varied menu.
Penny: Okay, whatever, it sounds like fun.
Leonard: Great. Did we say a time?
Penny: Six thirty.
Leonard: And that’s still good for you.
Penny: It’s fine.
Leonard: Cos it’s not carved in stone.
Penny: No, six thirty’s great.
Leonard: I’ll get my chisel.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: To… carve the… okay, I’ll see you six thirty.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Leonard enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. They are covered in sweat stains.
Leonard: How do I look?
Sheldon: Could you be more specific?
Leonard: Can you tell I’m perspiring a little?
Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?
Leonard: Six thirty.
Sheldon: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.
Leonard: Is it too much?
Sheldon: Not if you’re a rugby team.
Leonard: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.
Sheldon: Why would I join you?
Leonard: No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Leonard: You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.
Sheldon: Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.
Leonard: You could have stopped at “it could go well.”
Sheldon: If I could of, I would of.
Leonard: I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!
Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?
Leonard: I’m having a panic attack.
Sheldon: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.
Leonard: If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack.
Sheldon: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: Just do it.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.
Leonard: Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.
Sheldon: Me?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: What should I tell her.
Leonard: I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.
Sheldon: Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.
Leonard: Give me the phone.
Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?
Leonard: I can’t because if I don’t show up she’ll still be expecting you.
Sheldon: Why would she be expecting me?
Leonard: Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: So are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no. Turns out that Raj and Howard had to work, and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn’t quite bounced back yet.
Penny: Ooh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.
Leonard: You’re kidding, well, then, that’s something we have in common.
Penny: How?
Leonard: We both have people in our lives who… want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud.
Penny: So, what’s new in the world of physics?
Leonard: Nothing.
Penny: Really, nothing?
Leonard: Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930’s, and you can’t prove string theory, at best you can say “hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.”
Penny: Ah. Well I’m sure things will pick up.
Leonard: What’s new at the Cheesecake Factory?
Penny: Oh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that’s moving pretty well.
Leonard: Good. Good. And what about your, uh, hallway friend.
Penny: Doug? Oh, yeah, I dunno, I mean, he’s nice and funny, but…
Waitress: Can I get you started with some drinks?
Leonard: No, (waves her away) You were saying, but…
Penny: I’d like a drink.
Leonard: Just say the but thing about Doug and then I’ll get her back.
Penny: Okay, well, you know, it’s just me. I’m still getting over this break-up with Kurt, and this thing with Doug would be just rebound sex.
Leonard: Ugh, don’t get me started on rebound sex.
Penny: It’s just, it’s my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it’s just thirty six meaningless of… well, you know.
Leonard: I’m not sure that I do. Um, is that one thirty-six hour experience, or is it thirty six hours spread out over say, one… glorious summer.
Penny: No, it’s usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.
Leonard: Well, chafing, right?
Penny: Emotionally.
Leonard: Of course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you want to see something cool? (Penny nods.) I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
Penny: How?
Leonard: Physics. (He places the glass over the olive and spins it until the olive gets caught up on the side).
Penny: Wow, centrifugal force!
Leonard: Actually, it’s centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive. (The olive drops.) Excuse me. (Leonard disappears under table.)Now, if you were riding on the olive, you’d be in a non-inertial reference frame, and would (he bangs his head on the underside of the table.)
Penny: Are you okay?
Leonard: Yeah, I’m okay. Did you spill ketchup?
Penny: No.
Leonard: I’m not okay.
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.
Penny: Are you sure you don’t want to go to the emergency room?
Leonard: No, no, I’m okay, it’s stopped bleeding.
Penny: I know, but you did throw up. Isn’t that a sign of a concussion?
Leonard: Yes, but I get car sick too, so…
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Sorry about your car, by the way.
Penny: Oh, no, it’s fine, you got most of it out the window.
Leonard: The poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.
Penny: Yeah, me too. Um, good night. (Leonard turns across hallway.) Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn’t show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny: Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night.
Scene: The apartment, Leonard enters.
Sheldon: So, how was your date?
Leonard: Awesome!
Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgement.
Teleplay: Bill Prady & Steven Molaro
Story: Chuck Lorre
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)
Sheldon: It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.
Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order.
Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.
Leonard: I know, I’m familiar with you.
Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.
Leonard: Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go.
Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.
Leonard: Mahalo’s a nice touch.
Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.
Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that.
Scene: The department party. Sheldon, Raj and Leonard are at the buffet table.
Raj: Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: You don’t have buffets in India?
Raj: Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.
Sheldon: Well here’s an interesting turn of events.
Leonard: What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.
Howard: Hey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend, Summer. (Puts arm around her.)
Summer: I already told you, touching’s extra.
Howard: Right. Sorry.
Leonard (to Sheldon): Here comes our new boss, be polite.
Gablehouser: Hi fellas, Eric Gablehouser.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz.
Gablehouser: Howard, nice to meet you, and you are?
Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building. Sheldon is carrying a box of his things.
Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”
Credit sequence.
Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is in the kitchen cooking, Leonard enters.
Leonard: Morning
Sheldon: Morning.
Leonard: You’re making eggs for breakfast?
Sheldon: This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment.
Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.
Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.
Sheldon: As do I.
Leonard: You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back.
Sheldon: I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.
Leonard: Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs.
Sheldon: I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs.
Leonard: And we all thank you.
(Sheldon takes his eggs and sits down. Takes a photograph of them. Writes in his notebook, then takes a forkful. Writes in notebook again.)
Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).
Penny (popping her head round): Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything?
Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.
Penny: Four dozen?
Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.
Penny: Okay, one more time?
Sheldon: Never mind, you won’t get it right, I’d better come with you.
Penny: Oh, yay!
Scene: Penny’s car
Penny: How come you didn’t go into work today.
Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.
Penny: Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved.
Penny: No, no, I meant…
Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
Penny: Never mind.
Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.
Penny: We’re fine.
Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Penny: Oh, sure I am.
Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.
Penny: 120?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.
Penny: Let’s say 4,390.
Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.
Scene: The supermarket.
Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.
Penny: Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs.
Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
Penny: Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.
Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit.
Penny: Interesting.
Sheldon: Isn’t it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.
Penny: What now?
Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Penny: Well, maybe that’s what I was going for.
Sheldon: Well then you’ll want some manganese.
Scene: On the stairwell of the apartment building.
Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
Penny: Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.
Penny: You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons?
Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?
Penny: Okay, I’m not talking about this with you.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?
Scene: The apartment, Sheldon has several bowls containing goldfish.
Leonard (entering): Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something.
Sheldon: I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference.
Leonard: What’s with the fish?
Sheldon: It’s an experiment.
Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?
Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.
Leonard: So… fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.
Leonard: Fish nightlights.
Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!
Leonard: Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.
Leonard: Like luminous fish.
Sheldon: Shhhhh!
Leonard: Right… I didn’t….
Sheldon: That’s just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we’re going to be rich.
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.
Leonard: Thank you for coming on such short notice.
Mrs Cooper: You did the right thing calling.
Leonard: I didn’t know what else to do, he’s lost all focus, every day he’s got a new obsession. (They enter the apartment. Sheldon is weaving on a loom. He is wrapped in a poncho.) This is a particularly disturbing one.
Sheldon (looking round): Mommy.
Mrs Cooper: Hi baby.
Sheldon (mouths): You called my mother?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Mrs Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom?
Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?
Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.
Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother.
Leonard: Really, when was the last time you left the house.
Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny.
Leonard: That was three weeks ago.
Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.
Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.
Sheldon: Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother.
Leonard: Where are you going?
Sheldon: To my room, and no-one’s allowed in.
Mrs Cooper: He gets his temper from his daddy.
Leonard: Oh.
Mrs Cooper: He’s got my eyes.
Leonard: I see.
Mrs Cooper: All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.
Scene: Everyone but Sheldon is in the kitchen of the apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon? Your mum made dinner.
Sheldon (off): I’m not hungry.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, don’t trouble yourself, he’s stubborn. He may stay in there ‘til the Rapture.
Penny: Are we so sure that’s a bad thing?
Mrs Cooper: I’ll tell ya, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the K-Mart.
Howard: Excuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smouldering good looks.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, honey that ain’t going to work, but you keep trying. (To Raj) I made chicken, I hope that isn’t one of the animals that you people think is magic? You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr Patel, it’s a beautiful story, the lord spoke to him, and moved him to give us all 20% off on lasic, you know, those that needed it.
Leonard: That is a lovely story, um, are we going to do anything about Sheldon?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, we will, you have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, God rest his soul, used to say to me, Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon.
Leonard: Sounds like a wise man.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, not so wise, he was trying to fight a bobcat for some licquorish. So, everybody grab a plate, and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove.
Penny: Has Shelly ever freaked out like this before.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, all the time, I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was going to provide free electricity for the whole town, well the only problem was he had no, whatchacall, fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down real gentle and told him it’s against the law to have yellow cake uranium in a shed.
Penny: What happened?
Mrs Cooper: Well, the poor boy had a fit, locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
Leonard: A death ray?
Mrs Cooper: Well, that’s what he called it, didn’t even slow down the neighbour kids. It pissed our dog off to no end. You know, you two make a cute couple.
Both Leonard and Penny laugh, a little too forced.
Leonard: No, we’re not, we’re not, not a couple, two singles, like those individually wrapped slices of cheese that…. are friends.
Mrs Cooper: Did I pluck a nerve there?
Howard: Oh yeah.
Mrs Cooper: Okay. Alright everybody, it’s time to eat. (Everybody begins to do so) Oh Lord, we thank you for this meal, all your bounty, and we pray that you help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Raj and Howard) Now after a moment of silent meditation I’m going to end with “In Jesus’ Name” but you two don’t feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you.
Time shift
Penny: Oh my God, this is the best cobbler I’ve ever had.
Mrs Cooper: It was always Sheldon’ s favourite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mrs Cooper: Lard.
Sheldon emerges from the bedroom area.
Howard: Hey, look who’s come out….
Mrs Cooper: Shhh! You’ll spook him. He’s like a baby deer, you gotta let him come to you.
Sheldon crosses to the cobbler, takes some and puts it on a plate. Looks round at the group in the matter of a frightened animal. Everyone but Leonard looks down at their meal.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You’re a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away)
Mrs Cooper: You don’t hunt, do you?
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. He is building a model of some kind of double helix. There is a knock on the door.
Mrs Cooper (entering): Good morning, snicker-doodle.
Sheldon: Morning.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that?
Sheldon: It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form.
Mrs Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?
Sheldon: What do you want, mom?
Mrs Cooper: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.
Sheldon: What for?
Mrs Cooper: Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back.
Sheldon: No.
Mrs Cooper: I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?”
Sheldon: I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.
Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why not?
Mrs Cooper: Because people don’t like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let’s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let’s shove off. (Exits)
Sheldon: Wouldn’t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
Scene: The kitchen
Mrs Cooper: Problem solved.
Leonard: Really? That’s impressive.
Mrs Cooper: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
Scene: Dr Gablehouser’s office
Mrs Cooper: Excuse me, Dr Gablehouser, are you busy?
Gablehouser: Well, actually….
Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, he’s just doodling, get in here.
Sheldon: Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehouser: Dr Cooper.
Mrs Cooper: Let’s go, baby, we’re losing daylight.
Sheldon: Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out.
Gablehouser (to Mrs Cooper): I’m sorry, we haven’t been introduced. Dr Eric Gablehouser.
Mrs Cooper: Mary Cooper, Sheldon’s mom.
Gablehouser: Now that’s impossible, you must have had him when you were a teenager.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, aren’t you sweet, his father’s dead.
Gablehouser: Recently?
Mrs Cooper: Long enough.
Gablehouser (indicating chair): Please. Sheldon, shouldn’t you be working?
Sheldon (leaving): Okay.
Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Mrs Cooper is tucking him in.
Mrs Cooper: I’m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?
Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm?
Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?
Mrs Cooper: We’ll see. Sleep tight.
Sheldon turns over to sleep in the glow of a luminous goldfish.
Teleplay: David Litt & Lee Aronsohn
Story: Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Sheldon: Alright, I’m moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard: Not so fast, remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, Orcs are magic, Superman is vulnerable to magic, not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj: Why don’t you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh.
Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu Gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard: And Orcs!
Penny: I’ll be back.
Raj: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny: Alright, my boss says you either have to order, or leave and never come back.
Howard: What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk?
Penny: A shower.
Howard: I’ll take the heart smart platter.
Penny: Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.
Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.
Penny: Well, it’s all good.
Sheldon: Statistically unlikely.
Leonard: Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.
Sheldon: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard: I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon: Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger.
Leonard: Make it two.
Sheldon: Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy.
Lesley (entering): Hey Leonard, hi guys.
Leonard: Hey Lesley.
Lesley: I didn’t know you ate here.
Sheldon: We don’t. This is a disturbing aberration.
Leonard: Lesley, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
Howard: And walks in quiet beauty like the night.
Penny: Howard, I’ve asked you not to do that.
Leonard: Lesley and I do research together at the University.
Penny: Oh, wow, a girl scientist.
Lesley: Yep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So, I’m glad I ran into you, the physics department string quartet needs a new cellist.
Leonard: What happened to Elliot Wong?
Lesley: He switched over to high energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him. So, are you in?
Leonard: Yeah, sure, why not.
Lesley: Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.
Leonard: Why at my place?
Lesley: Yeah, the department of energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. Nice meeting you.
Penny: Yeah, you too. Leonard, I didn’t know you played the cello?
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn’t getting me beaten up enough.
Howard: If you’re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.
Penny: Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two.
Leonard: Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?
Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?
Penny: Oh, that’s too bad, you guys would make a cute couple.
Raj: Oh dear.
Howard: What’s the matter?
Raj: She didn’t take my order.
Howard: How can she take your order when you’re too neurotic to talk to her.
Raj: Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip.
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.
Leonard: What did Penny mean, you’d make a cute couple?
Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable.
Leonard: If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.
Sheldon: You’re a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think.
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn’t say I cared.
Credit sequence.
Scene: The apartment living room. The string quartet are practising.
Lesley: I admire your fingering.
Leonard: Thank you.
Lesley: Maybe some time you can try that on my instrument.
Time jump
Lesley: Goodnight guys, good job.
Male string quartettist: Thanks.
Female string quartettist: See you next week.
Leonard: That was fun, Lesley, thanks for including me.
Lesley: You’re welcome. If you’re up for it we could practise that middle section again.
Leonard: Uh, sure, why not.
Lesley: Just so we’re clear, you understand that me hanging back to practise with you is a pretext for letting you know that I’m sexually available.
Leonard: Really?
Lesley: Yeah, I’m good to go.
Leonard: I thought you weren’t interested in me.
Lesley: That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.
Leonard: You mean my cello?
Lesley: No, I mean the obvious crude double entendre. I’m seducing you.
Leonard: No kidding?
Lesley: What can I say, I’m a passionate and impulsive woman. So how about it?
Leonard: Gee, uh…
Lesley: Is it the waitress?
Leonard: Penny? What about her?
Lesley: Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you’re a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
Leonard: Well, I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast, which could give a positive urine test for opiates but certainly not dilate my pupils, so I guess there’s no point in bringing it up.
Lesley: You and the waitress then?
Leonard: No. No, there’s nothing going on between Penny and me.
Lesley: So, you’re open to a sexual relationship?
Leonard: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.
Lesley: Good.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah it is good. Did you want to start now?
Lesley: Why don’t we finish the section first.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific.
(They play, gradually going faster and faster.)
Leonard: I’m good, I’m good to go.
Lesley: Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)
Scene: The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny’s. Knocks on it urgently.
Penny (opening door): Oh, hey Sheldon, what’s going on?
Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not.
Sheldon: Just come with me.
Jump to the pair of them standing outside Leonard’s bedroom door. Bryan Adams “Have You Ever Loved A Woman” is emerging. There is a tie on the bedroom door.
Sheldon: Well?
Penny: Well what?
Sheldon: What does it mean?
Penny: Oh, come on, you went to college.
Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.
Penny: Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy.
Sheldon: So you’re saying Leonard has a girl in there.
Penny: Well, either that or he’s lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.
Lesley (voice off): Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.
Penny: We really shouldn’t be standing here.
Sheldon (entering living room): This is very awkward.
Penny: Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
Penny: Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
Sheldon: I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide.
Penny: So, do you know who’s in there?
Sheldon: Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster.
Penny: Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.
Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage?
Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you’re asking the wrong girl. I’m usually on the other side of the tie.
(Sheldon looks lost for a moment. The pulls out his mobile phone and dials.)
Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. It’s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You’re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley.
Scene: In Leonard’s Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.
Scene: Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley’s Violin case.
Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s the matter?
Sheldon: My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Sheldon: Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed.
Leonard: Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having?
Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having.
Lesley (entering): You’re welcome.
Sheldon: You did this?
Lesley: Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?
Sheldon: Cool?
Lesley: Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night.
Leonard: Thank you, I’ll see you at work.
Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!
Lesley: What?
Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?
Lesley: No-one.
Sheldon: I don’t come into your house and touch your board.
Lesley: There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Sheldon: Oh, that is so… so…
Lesley: I’m sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves).
Sheldon: Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate.
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard (exiting the apartment): You can stare at your board all day Sheldon, she’s still going to be right.
Sheldon (inside): I’m not staring, I’m mulling.
Penny: Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Penny: So, how’s it going?
Leonard: Pretty good.
Penny: Just pretty good, I’d think you were doing very good.
Leonard: Pretty, very, there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask?
Penny: Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’m coming.
Penny: So, is it serious, do you like her?
Leonard: Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go!
Sheldon: Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.
Penny: Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.
Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
Leonard: You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent.
Sheldon: She’s not that intelligent.
Leonard: She fixed your equation.
Sheldon: She got lucky.
Leonard: You don’t believe in luck.
Sheldon: I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky.
Leonard: Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: I still don’t care.
Scene: Leonard and Lesley’s lab.
Leonard: Hey, Lesley.
Lesley: Careful  Leonard, liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
Leonard: Brrrr. Why are you smashing a flash frozen banana.
Lesley: Because I’ve got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn’t find a knife.
Leonard: So anyway (puts arms around her) Hello.
Lesley: Uh, what are you doing?
Leonard: Just extending the intimacy. Do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?
Lesley: Okay, uh, what exactly do you think’s going on between us?
Leonard: I’m not sure, but I think I’m about to discover how the banana felt.
Lesley: Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists but we both understand the biochemistry of sex, I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat’s brain, give him an orgasm button, he’ll push that thing until he starves to death. 
Leonard: Who wouldn’t?
Lesley: Well, the only difference between us and a rat is that you can’t stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That’s where you come in.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I’m just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?
Lesley: Well, I don’t know about your sex drive, but I’m probably good till New Years.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Lesley: Thank you!
Leonard: You want to make plans for New Years.
Lesley: Woah, Leonard, please, you’re smothering me.
Leonard (leaving): Sorry.
Howard: Hey, look, it’s Doctor Stud!
Leonard: Doctor what?
Howard: The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Lesley Winkle making eine kleine bang-bang music.
Leonard: Wha… how did it get on the internet?
Howard: I put it there.
Leonard: Well, how did you know about it?
Raj: A little bird told us. Apparently you are a magnificent beast.
Leonard: Well, that part’s true!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant.
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.
Leonard: Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.
Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup.
Penny: So, how’s everything.
Sheldon: Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny: Really, oh yay!
Sheldon: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny: Um, I don’t know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley?
Leonard: Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out.
Penny: Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).
Leonard: Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?
Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.
Leonard: Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon: Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.
Leonard: Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup. (Sheldon nods).
Scene: Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.
Raj: Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.
Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard: Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.
Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go.
Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.”
Penny (arriving): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard: Hello Penny.
Howard: Morning ma’am.
Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun?
Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.
Penny: Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.
Leonard: A party?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: A boy-girl party?
Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…
Sheldon: Dancing?
Leonard: Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…
Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….
Leonard: We’re really more….
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.
Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.
Sheldon: A Halloween party?
Howard: As in, costumes?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard: Is there a theme?
Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween.
Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?
Penny: As usual, I’m not following.
Leonard: He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: What about comic-books?
Penny: Fine.
Sheldon: Anime?
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…
Penny: Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.
Howard: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
Credits Sequence
Scene: The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard (off): I’ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)
Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)
Leonard: Oh, no.
Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)
Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!
Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
Leonard: We all have other costumes, we can change.
Raj: Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.
Howard: No, no, no, it’s a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo.
Leonard: Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?
All: Agreed.
Leonard: I call Frodo!
All: Damn!
Scene: The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.
Raj (Entering dressed as Thor): Hey. Sorry I’m late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard: You went with Thor?
Raj: What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect.
Howard: I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.
Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.
Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect.
Leonard: No, it’s not…
Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!
Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?
Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
Sheldon: Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
Leonard: All I’m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and… perhaps more. I don’t want to look like a dork.
Scene: The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny’s door with his bow.
Howard: Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
Penny (opening door, not in costume): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard: Hey, sorry we’re late.
Penny: Late? It’s 7:05.
Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven.
Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.
Sheldon: It’s 7:05.
Penny: Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.
Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom?
Penny: Probably, but in their own homes.
Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start?
Penny: The parade?
Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes.
Sheldon: This party is just going to suck.
Penny: No, come on, it’s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that’s so cute.
Leonard: Actually, Penny, he’s Rob…
Howard: I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
Penny: No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.
Leonard: Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.
Sheldon: Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: See, people get it.
Time shift, the party is in full swing, the four guys are sitting together around the coffee table.
Raj: Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix.
Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.
Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard: We’re socialising. Meeting new people.
Sheldon: Telepathically?
Penny (crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen): Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!
Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.
Leonard: She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.
Sheldon: And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.
Howard: Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it’s time for me to turn my head and cough.
Raj: What is your move?
Howard: I’m going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she’s thinking we’re in sync, we belong together.
Leonard: Where do you get this stuff?
Howard: You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there’s this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.
Raj: Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.
Howard: If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat.
Nurse Costume Girl: No thanks.
Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leonard: I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.
Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.
Leonard: Go on.
Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”
Leonard: Then what happens?
Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Leonard: This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.
Sheldon: Good luck.
Leonard: No, you’re coming with me.
Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so.
Leonard: Come on.
Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?
Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man.
Sheldon: Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.
Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi!
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Girl: So, what are you supposed to be?
Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!
Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train?
Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!
Girl: A brain damaged choo-choo train?
Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)
Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume.
Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!
Girl: I still don’t get it.
Sheldon: I’m the Doppler Effect.
Girl: Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.
Leonard: Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra?
 Sheldon: Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves.
Leonard: Because I’m Frodo.
Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect.
Leonard: Oh no.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.
Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
Leonard: If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.
Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now.
Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).
Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis.
Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends.
Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.
Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.
Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is.
Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.
Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?
Leonard: No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face.
Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?
Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.
Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?
Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
Kurt: What, you’re a zebra, right?
Sheldon: Yet another child left behind.
Kurt: And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?
Leonard: No, I’m a Hobbit.
Kurt: What’s the difference?
Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.
Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?
Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.
Kurt: Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.
Leonard: I think we’re all talking to Penny here.
Sheldon: I’m not. No offence.
Kurt: Okay, maybe you didn’t hear me, go away.
Penny: Alright Kurt, be nice.
Kurt: Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.
Penny: Kurt!
Leonard: Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery.
Kurt: Are you calling me a puffy animal?
Penny: Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard?
Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble.
Kurt: So what, I’m unevolved?
Sheldon: You’re in trouble.
Kurt: You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Penny: Okay, Kurt, please.
Leonard: No, Penny, it’s okay, I can handle this. I’m not a dwarf, I’m a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?
Kurt: Okay, now you’re starting to make me mad.
Leonard: A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: What?
Leonard: I think I’ve made my point.
Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.
Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.
Leonard: There’s not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
Kurt (physically lifting Leonard from the ground): C – O – N… frontation!
Penny: Kurt, put him down this instant.
Kurt: He started it.
Penny: I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down.
Kurt: Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun.
Sheldon: He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.
Penny: Leonard, are you okay.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….
Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.
Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place.
Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.
Leonard: What’s that?
Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had.
Leonard: Good night Sheldon.
Sheldon: Good night Leonard.
Penny (knocking on door and entering): Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hi Penny.
Penny: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.
Leonard: I’m fine.
Penny: I’m so sorry about what happened.
Leonard: It’s not your fault.
Penny: Yes it is. That’s why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that.
Leonard: So why was he at your party?
Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was…  just, all apologetic, about how he’s changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I’m an idiot because I always believe guys like that and… I can’t go back to my party because he’s there, and I know you don’t want to hear this and I’m upset and I’m really drunk and I just want to… (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard’s shoulder.)
Leonard: There there.
Penny: God, what is wrong with me.
Leonard: Nothing, you’re perfect.
Penny: Gah, I’m not perfect.
Leonard: Yes you are.
Penny: You really think so, don’t you? (She kisses hm.)
Leonard: Penny?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny: Just…. a lot.
Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn’t have something to do with what’s going on here?
Penny: It might. Boy, you’re really smart.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m a frickin’ genius.
Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can’t all guys be like you?
Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive.
Penny: I should probably go.
Leonard: Probably.
Penny (in doorway): Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)
Leonard: That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)
Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door.
Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)
Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?
Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.
Howard: He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.
Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification.
Howard: I’m supposed to give him a ride home.
Sheldon: Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer.
Scene: A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj.
Butterfly Girl: Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You’re gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener!
(Raj puts hands behind head with a smug expression on his face.)
Scene: The apartment, the living room.
Howard: Watch this, it’s really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard’s phone: Did you say, call Helen Boxleitner?
Howard: No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard’s phone: Did you say, call Temple Beth Sader.
Howard: No.
Leonard: Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.
Howard’s phone: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).
Raj: Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist.
Sheldon: If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.
Leonard: So? We’ll start now.
Sheldon: Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.
Raj: We can split it two, two and two.
Howard: If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.)
Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Leonard (opening door): Hey Penny, come on in.
Penny: Hey guys.
Howard: See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you’ll have good luck.
Penny: No you won’t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while.
Leonard: Sure. What’s going on.
Penny: Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cos, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me.
Sheldon: 8:08.
Penny: Anyway, she got here today, and she’s just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she’s slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse.
Penny: He really needs to dial it down.
Leonard: So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay?
Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family.
Sheldon: You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t think she’s a whore.
Penny: No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?
Howard (voice off): Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town.
Sheldon: Oh good grief.
Credit Sequence
Scene: Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny’s apartment door.
Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.    
Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo.
Leonard: Okay, fine, we’ll just play one on one until he gets back.
Sheldon: One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!
Leonard: Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
Raj: Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from.
Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.
Penny (picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television): Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine.
Penny: Okay, I got this, lock and load boys.
Leonard: It’s the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)
Penny: Ha-ha, there goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!
Time shift
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me.
Penny: Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha!
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yeah, so is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game.
Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it’s raining you!
Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny: Gosh, he’s kind of a sore loser, isn’t he?
Leonard: Well, to be fair, he is also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny: Well, it’s been fun.
Leonard: You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life.
Leonard: I guess for you that’s an option.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Good night.
Penny: As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)
Raj: What do you suppose she meant by that?
Leonard: She’s an enigma, Raj.
Sheldon: And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…
Leonard: She’s gone, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye.
Penny (entering again): Okay, I have a problem.
Sheldon: It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it.
Leonard: What’s wrong?
Penny: Um, well, Howard and Christie are… kind of… hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?
Leonard: No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics.
Penny: Uh, the couch is good.
Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.
Leonard: Let me guess, you have a problem with this.
Sheldon: Where do I begin?
Leonard: It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice.
Sheldon: Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave.
Leonard: Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else?
Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.
Leonard: I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?
Sheldon: No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.
Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: Hu.. what?
Sheldon: He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it.
Leonard: I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.
Sheldon: Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly.
Penny: How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?
Sheldon: I suggest no liquids after 11pm.
Leonard: Here you go.
Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.)
Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong.
Penny: I’m listening.
Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny: I’ll risk it.
Sheldon: Hm!
Penny: Anything else I should know.
Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night.
Leonard: Sorry about that.
Penny: That’s okay.
Leonard: FYI, his toothbrush is the red one in the plexiglass case under the UV light.
Penny: Got it.
Leonard: Well, sleep tight.
Penny: Thanks.
Leonard: Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight.
(Penny turns off light and lies down on couch. Across the room, Raj is still in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. Realising everyone has forgotten about him, he quietly lets himself out. Penny hears the door close, looks worried, then moves her head to the other end of the couch.)
Scene: The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down on Penny when Leonard enters.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny’s still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….
Leonard: I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day.
Penny: Uh, what time is it?
Leonard: Almost 6:30.
Penny: I slept all day?
Leonard: Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.
Penny: What the hell is your problem?
Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Howard (entering): Ola, nerd-migos.
Penny: Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe?
Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry, I’ll have it cleaned.
Penny: That’s okay, keep it. Where’s Christie.
Howard: In the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt, yours reaches places that mine just won’t.
Penny: Y-you used my loofah?
Howard: More precisely we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out!
Penny: You can keep that too.
Howard: Ah, well then we’ll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
Christie (voice off): Howard?
Howard: In here my lady.
Christie (entering): Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.
Howard: chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).
Sheldon: Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.
Christie: Hi, Christie.
Leonard: Leonard.
Sheldon: I’m Sheldon.
Christie: Right, you’re Howard’s entourage.
Penny: Uh, so Christie, what are your plans?
Christie: Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills.
Penny: Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.
Leonard: Penny, you’re always welcome to stay with us.
Sheldon: Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B.
Howard: Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me.
Leonard: For one thing you live with your mother.
Howard: I do not, my mother lives with me.
Sheldon: Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother.
Leonard: Sheldon you just can’t dictate…
Sheldon: No more talking, everybody go.
Howard: So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Castle Wolowitz?
Christie: What is that, like a Mexican deli?
Howard: I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.
Christie: Oh, that’s so cool. My first Jew!
Sheldon: I imagine there aren’t many kosher corn-huskers.
Christie: But you’re still taking me shopping, right?
Howard: Anything you want.
Christie: Okay, I’ll go pack my stuff.
Howard: When they perfect human cloning I’m going to order twelve of those.
Leonard: Howard, can’t you see she’s using you?
Howard: Who cares, last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept!
Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay, she’ll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.
Howard: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash.
Scene: A Chinese restaurant.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Leonard: We can’t order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?
Leonard: I see a problem.
Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people.
Leonard: So, we’ll just order three entrees.
Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling.
Raj: We could cut it into thirds.
Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich.
Waiter: Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon: He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.
Waiter: I come from Sacramento.
Leonard: Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four.
Waiter: No substitutions.
Leonard: This isn’t a substitution, it’s a reduction.
Waiter: Okay, no reductions.
Leonard: Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four.
Raj: That works.
Sheldon: No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree.
Waiter: No eliminations.
Leonard: If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home.
Sheldon: And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Leonard: Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.
Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls.
Leonard: We don’t order egg rolls.
Sheldon: Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here.
Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here.
Leonard: Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food.
Sheldon: No.
Raj: Uurgh.
Waiter: You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know.
Sheldon: I’ll know.
Waiter: (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.)
Raj: How about soup?
Leonard: Yeah, we can always divide soup.
Sheldon: What about the won-tons?
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks.
Penny (answering): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?
Sheldon: It’s Halo night.
Penny: Yeah. Okay. So?
Leonard: Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie,
Penny: She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty.
Leonard: Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is.
Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend.
Sheldon: You can’t go out, it’s Halo night.
Penny: Well, for Penny it’s dancing night.
Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.
Penny: No.
Sheldon:  Then it’s not dancing night.
Penny: Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow?
Sheldon: Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall.
Penny: Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.
Leonard: Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.
Sheldon: Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational.
Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.
Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.
Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.
Leonard: Aaah, for God’s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy.
Sheldon: Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.
Leonard: No, I’m pretty sure my anger’s with you.
Raj: What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart.
Leonard: Who are you calling?
Sheldon: The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.
Howard (voice):  Hi this is Howard Wolowitz.
Christie (voice): And this is Christie Van Der Bell.
Howard (voice): We can’t get to the phone right now because we’re having sex.
Christie (voice): You’re not going to put that on your message are you?
Howard (voice): No, I’m just kidding, I’ll re-record it. (beep)
Scene: Outside Howard’s house.
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.
Leonard: You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.
Christie (voice from within): I’m just saying, you can take the damned plastic off the couch once in a while.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?
Howard (voice): Ladies, ladies, I’m sure there’s a middle ground.
Christie and Howard’s Mother together: Shut up Howard.
Howard (voice): You girl’s talk, I’m going to take my scooter out for a little spin.
Christie (voice as Howard emerges through door): Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.
Howard: What are you guys doing here?
Sheldon: It’s Halo night.
Howard’s Mother (voice): He’s not a man, he’s a putz, and don’t you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
Christie (voice): What did you call me?
Howard’s Mother (voice): You heard me, and I’ll tell you something else, you’re barking up the wrong tree, cos as long as you’re around, Howard is out of the will.
Christie: (voice): You know what, I got better offers, I’m out of here.
Howard’s Mother (voice): That’s right, go back to Babylon, you whore.
Howard: So, Halo night, huh?
Raj: I thought she was the whore of Omaha?
Sheldon: Shhh!
Scene: The apartment, Halo night.
Howard: Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle.
Sheldon: I can’t shoot now, I’m cloaking.
Leonard: Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.
Raj: I can’t see him.
Sheldon: That’s why the call it cloaking, dead man.
Leonard: Well then start throwing grenades.
Raj: I’m all out.
Penny (entering with three other sexy women): Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you.
Leonard: That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.
Sheldon: We said no tanks.
Raj: There are no rules in hell!
Howard: Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack!
Penny: Told yah! (They leave).
Leonard: There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher.
Raj: All I’ve got is a needler, and I’m all out of ammo.
Sheldon: And now you’re out of life. Why did you hit pause?
Leonard: I thought I heard something.
Raj: What?
Leonard: No, never mind, alright, go.
Scene: The Apartment.
Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com.
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare.
Leonard: Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon: It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It’s right here under Batman’s signature.
Leonard opens door. Raj and Howard are outside. Raj is holding a laptop which is open. His parents are on the screen.
Raj: And this is Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment.
Howard: Guess whose parents just got broadband.
Raj: May I present, live from New Delhi, Dr and Mrs V. M. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Hi.
Dr Koothrappali: Lift up the camera. I’m looking at his crotch.
Raj: Sorry papa.
Dr Koothrappali: Oh, there’s much better. Hi.
Leonard: Hi!
Raj: And over here is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Raj: He lives with Leonard.
Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, that’s nice. Like Haroun and Tanweer.
Raj: No, no, not like Haroun and Tanweer.
Mrs Koothrappali: Such sweet young men, they just adopted the cutest little Punjabi baby.
Leonard: Yeah, we’re not like Haroun and Tanweer!
Dr Koothrappali: So are you boys academics like our son?
Together: Yes.
Dr Koothrappali: And your parents are comfortable with your limited earning potential?
Together: Not at all.
Raj: Papa, please don’t start.
Dr Koothrappali: God, it’s just a question, he’s so sensitive.
Raj: Okay, that’s my life, that’s my friends, good to see you, say goodbye.
Together: Bye!
Dr Koothrappali: Wait, wait. Before you go we have good news. Put the computer down and gather your friends.
Raj: What is it papa.
Dr Koothrappali: Friends.
Howard (as they gather): Is it just me, or does webchatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless.
Mrs Koothrappali: Rajesh, do you remember Lalita Gupta?
Raj: The little fat girl that used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable.
Mrs Koothrappali: Yes. Well, now she’s a dental student at USC, so we gave her your contact information.
Raj: Why did you do that?
Dr Koothrappali: You’re 26 years old Rajesh. We want grandchildren.
Raj: But Papa, I’m not supposed…
Mrs Koothrappali: Lalita’s parents approve the match.
Dr Koothrappali: If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.
Raj: Spring wedding?
Mrs Koothrappali: It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle.
Raj: If you don’t want to meddle, then why are you meddling.
Sheldon: If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.
Raj: Why are you telling me about my own culture?
Sheldon: You seemed confused.
Raj: Sorry, Mommy, Papa, but with all due respect I really can’t go through…
Mrs Koothrappali: Sorry darling, we have to go. Doogie Howser is on. Grandma, it’s Doogie time! Bye bye.
Dr Koothrappali: Bye bye.
Raj: I don’t believe it.
Howard: Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years.
Leonard: Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India.
Sheldon: It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession.
Leonard: I bet you’re right.
Howard: I bet they love Scrubs.
Sheldon: What’s not to love?
Raj: Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?
Sheldon: I suggest you go through with it.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.
Howard: It’s the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof.
Leonard: I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show.
Howard: Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally.
Sheldon: Understandable, but there’s a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.
Howard: Let’s not forget it’s got some really catchy tunes.
All: (various noises of agreement)
Raj: Okay, I know what I’m going to do.
Leonard: What?
Raj: Find new friends.
Howard: So who wants to rent Fiddler?
Sheldon: No need, we have the special edition.
Leonard: Well, maybe we are like Haroun and Tanweer.
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): This is Dr Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium. Yeah, well I’m sorry too, but there’s just no room for you in my wallet. Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History and, frankly, you don’t have dinosaurs. Well I’ll miss you too, bye bye. Okay, I know you’re texting about me, and I’d really like you to stop.
Raj (entering): Oh dear, I am rightly and truly screwed.
Leonard: Hey, I thought you were finding new friends.
Raj: I’ve got some feelers out. In the meantime, listen to this.
Lalita (voice from Raj’s phone): Hi Rajesh, this is Lalita Gupta. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So I’m calling you, and, ah… call me back. Bye.
Raj: Can you believe how pushy she is?
Leonard: So don’t call her.
Raj: If I don’t call her, I won’t hear the end of it from my parents.
Leonard: So call her.
Raj: How can I call her, you know I can’t talk to women.
Leonard: I’m done, anybody else?
Howard: Give me the phone.
Raj: Why?
Howard: Just give it to me. (Dials)
Raj: What are you doing?
Howard: Don’t worry, you’ll thank me. (In a fake Indian accent) Hello Lalita, Raj Koothrappali. (Raj starts to chase Howard across the room.) Yes it is good to talk to you too. So, what are you wearing. Oh, not important, so, anyhow, when would you like to meet. Friday works for me. And I call you with the time and place, but in the meantime, keep it real babe. (In own voice) You may now thank me.
Raj: For what, making me sound like a Simpsons character?
Howard: Fine, next time make your own date.
Raj: I didn’t want to make this one.
Leonard: Look on the bright side, she might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl.
Raj: Great, then we’ll get married, I won’t be able to talk to her, and we’ll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.
Howard: Worked for my parents.
Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I’m going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard: His mom’s been saying that for years. What’s up?
Penny: Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.
Leonard: Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
Sheldon: With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example.
Penny: So Leonard, how about it?
Leonard: Look, Penny, we’d love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now. And besides, he doesn’t drink, so… (Raj whispers in his ear) Really? Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now and he’d like to take up drinking.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, here you go, Leonard, one tequila sunrise.
Leonard: Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you.
Penny: Okay, Raj, what’ll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.)
Leonard: Whatever you recommend.
Penny: Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?
Sheldon: I’ll have a diet coke.
Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre.
Penny: That’s, um, rum and coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes,
Penny: So coke.
Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it diet?
Penny: There’s a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
Penny: Okay, Raj, here you go. Alright, who’s next?
Howard: I’d like to try a slippery nipple.
Penny: Okay, you’re cut off. Anybody need a refill?
Raj: Where did my life go, Penny? One day I’m a carefree batchelor, and the next I’m married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.
Penny: A… are you talking to me?
Raj: Is there another Penny here? I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astro-physics. But with a penis, of course.
Leonard: It’s amazing.
Raj: Ever since I was a little boy my father wanted me to be a gynaecologist like him. How can I be a gynaecologist, I can barely look a woman in the eye. You know what, I’m not going to let my parents control my future any longer, it’s time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I think that’s the grasshopper talking.
Raj: And it’s about to tell my parents that I’m not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.
Penny: Okay, calm down, no-one can make you get married. Why don’t you just meet this girl and, see what happens.
Raj: Haven’t you been listening to me, I cannot talk to women.
Leonard: Um… Raj.
Howard: No, no, let’s see how long it takes him.
Penny: Um, Raj, honey, you say you can’t talk to women but… you’ve been talking to me.
Sheldon: And now we’ll never know.
Raj: You’re right. I… I am talking to you. Hello Penny, how are you?
Penny: I’m fine.
Raj: Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the grasshopper. It’s a sweet green miracle.
Penny: Okay, if you’re going to drink on this date just promise me you won’t overdo it.
Raj: Overdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything is going to be all hunky donkey?
Penny: Yeah, that. Uh, why don’t you bring her to my restaurant when I’m tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you?
Raj: Okay.
Leonard: Wait a minute, what’s the plan here? Let’s say he meets her and he likes her and they get married, what’s he going to do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?
Howard: Worked for my parents.
Scene: The restaurant.  
Raj: I can’t believe I’m sitting here next to little Lalita Gupta.
Lalita: Well, you are.
Raj: Little Lalita. That’s kind of fun to say. Little Lalita, Little Lalita, Little Lalita, you should try it.
Lalita: No, it’s okay.
Raj: You have lost so much weight! That must have been difficult for you because you were so, so fat! Do you remember?
Lalita: Yes, I do.
Raj: Of course you do. Who could forget being that fat?
Lalita: Well, I’ve been trying.
Raj: So you’re a dental student? Hmm, are you aware that dentists have an extremely high suicide rate? Not as high as, say, air traffic controllers, but then there are far more dentists than air traffic controllers, so in pure numbers you’re still winning.
Lalita: Yay me!
Leonard (to Penny): You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious?
Penny: Drinks do not work that way.
Howard: I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.
Sheldon: Sorry I’m late.
Leonard: What happened?
Sheldon: Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.
Penny: Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there.
Sheldon: So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: That’s Princess Punchali.
Leonard: I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita.
Sheldon: No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess.
Howard: Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card.
Sheldon: It’s a children’s story.
Howard: Oh, no it isn’t.
Sheldon: When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.
Penny: I know the reason.
Leonard: We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?
Sheldon: That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?
Howard: Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but…
Raj: Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more!
Sheldon: Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
Lalita: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali.
Lalita: Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that?
Sheldon: A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.
Lalita: Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian?
Sheldon: You Indian.
Lalita: Oh.
Sheldon: The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
Lalita: Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too.
Sheldon: I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
Lalita: Really, so do I.
Raj: But you’re a dentist, he’s nuts.
Lalita: Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
Sheldon: It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
Lalita: Oh my.
Raj: Back off Sheldon.
Sheldon: What?
Raj: If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
Sheldon: I’m not hitting on her.
Lalita: And I am not your lady.
Howard: And you have no wrath.
Raj: You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.
Lalita: Okay, let’s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don’t need to be getting this old world crap from you.
Sheldon: Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom.
Raj: Oh, screw Princess Punchali.
Lalita: Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.
Raj: But you’re not Princess Punchali.
Sheldon: Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
Lalita: Sheldon, are you hungry?
Sheldon: I could eat.
Lalita: Let’s go.
Raj: What just happened?
Leonard: Beats the hell out of me.
Howard: I’ll tell you what just happened, I just learned how to pick up Indian chicks.
Scene: The apartment. Raj is talking to his parents on the webcam.
Mrs Koothrappali: What are we supposed to say to Lalita’s parents?
Dr Koothrappali: I play golf with her father, I won’t be able to look at him.
Raj: Maybe you should keep your eye on the ball, Papa.
Dr Koothrappali: Oh, now you’re a funny man? This is not funny, Mr Funny Man.
Leonard: Doctor and Mrs Koothrappali, in all fairness, it wasn’t entirely Raj’s fault.
Dr Koothrappali: This is a family matter Sheldon.
Leonard: No, I’m Leonard.
Dr Koothrappali: Oh, sorry, you all look alike to us.
Raj: But he’s right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything!
Mrs Koothrappali: Who is it? We can’t see.
Dr Koothrappali: Turn us, turn us.
Raj: Go ahead, tell my parents why they won’t have any grandchildren.
Sheldon: How would I know, do you have a low sperm count?
Raj: This has nothing to do with my sperm count.
Mrs Koothrappali: You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren’t you Rajesh.
Raj: Yes Mommy.
Mrs Koothrappali: Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities.
Raj: Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.
Sheldon: What did I do?
Leonard: You left with his date. Friends don’t do that to each other.
Sheldon: Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry.
Raj: Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry?
Leonard: Take it, Raj. It’s more than I’ve ever gotten.
Sheldon: And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring.
Dr Koothrappali: Drunk?
Sheldon: And boring, her words.
Dr Koothrappali: I knew it, he moves to America and becomes an alcoholic.
Raj: I’m not an alcoholic.
Dr Koothrappali: Then why were you drunk?
Raj: It was just this one time, Papa, I swear.
Dr Koothrappali: Are you in denial? Do we have to come over and do an intervention?
Mrs Koothrappali: Don’t embarrass him in front of his friends.
Dr Koothrappali: Alright. Carry us outside, we want to talk to you in private.
Raj: But Papa, please….
Dr Koothrappali: Now, Rajesh.
Raj (to Leonard and Sheldon): I have to go.   
Dr Koothrappali: Now listen to me….
Raj: Please wait until I get into the hall.
Sheldon: Okay, well, good night.
Leonard: Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita?
Sheldon: We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home.
Leonard: So you’re not going to see her again?
Sheldon: Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist. (Exits)
Leonard: I wonder who’s going to tell his parents they’re not having grandchildren.
Scene: Penny’s restaurant. Sheldon is on the piano, singing “To Life” from Fiddler on the Roof enthusiastically.
Leonard: I don’t believe it, what’s gotten into him?
Penny: Oh, maybe a couple of virgin cuba libres that turned out to be kind of slutty.
Leonard: You didn’t?
Penny: Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine.
Scene: The apartment, Leonard is attaching something to a lamp.
Leonard: Okay, the X10s are online.
Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap).
Sheldon: Look at me, look at me, I’ve got goosebumps.
Howard: Are we ready on the stereo?
Raj: Go for stereo.
(Howard clicks mouse again. Also Sprach Zarathustra begins to play. At the climactic notes, the four jump in the air and begin pretend conducting or jumping about in time to the music.)
Penny (entering): Hey guys.
All (calming down, embarrassed): Hello.
Penny: It’s a little loud.
Howard: No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila.
Penny: Okay, thanks.
Leonard: Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.
Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Sheldon: No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
Penny: Oh. You know you can just get one of those universal remotes at Radio Shack, they’re really cheap.
Leonard: No, no, no, you don’t get it, um, Howard, enable public access.
Howard: Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.)
Penny: Boy, that’s brilliant, but I’ll see you.
Leonard: No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See!
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Penny: Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why?
All together: Because we can. (There is a loud noise)
Sheldon: They found the remote controlled cars.
Penny: Well, wait, wait, what’s on top of them.
Leonard: Wireless webcams, wave hello.
Howard: The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
Sheldon: You may want to put on slacks.
Penny: What? (Seeing red car is trying to get between her legs) Ew, stop it, no, leave me alone.
Leonard: Who’s running the red Corvette?
Howard: That would be me.
Credits sequence
Scene: The same, clearing up.
Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we’re disembodied brains in jars, we’re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj: I don’t want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard: I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.
Sheldon: Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays.
Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Sheldon: Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
Leonard: It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates.
Sheldon: I know. I read it before I threw it out.
Leonard: Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.
Sheldon: Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn’t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be.
Howard: I don’t know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
Leonard: Forget the parties.
Howard: Forget the parties? What a nerd.
Leonard: Are there any other honours I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.
Raj: Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.”
Howard: I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….
Leonard: Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional.
Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it.
Sheldon: You can’t. I’m the lead author.
Leonard: Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome.
Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon: It doesn’t need proving.
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They’re not supposed to, but they should.
Leonard: Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings.
Sheldon: And I forbid it.
Leonard: You forbid it?
Sheldon: If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is.
Leonard: Oh, you admit that it’s our work.
Sheldon: No, once again, I’m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.
Leonard: Ah!
Howard: Oh no he dit’nt!
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Penny is looking through his closet.
Penny: So, how’s it going with Sheldon, are you guys still not talking to each other?
Leonard: Not only is he still not talking to me, but there’s this thing he does where he stares at you and tries to get your brain to explode. You know, like in the classic sci-fi movie Scanners? (Put’s fingers to head) You know, bzzz-pchew! Never mind. How about this one. It says, “I know my physics, but I’m still a fun guy!”
Penny: Oh, hey, I didn’t know they still made corduroy suits!
Leonard: They don’t, that’s why I saved this one.
Penny: Okay, well, let’s just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these.
Leonard: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny: No, this is stuff I want you to throw out.
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: Seriously, don’t even give it to charity, you won’t be helping anyone. What’s this.
Leonard: Oh, that’s the bottled city of Kandor.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You see, Kandor was the capital city of the planet Krypton, it was miniaturised by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.
Penny: Oh, nice.
Leonard: It’s a lot cooler when girls aren’t looking at it.
Penny: Here, why don’t you put these on while I find a shirt and sport-coat to match.
Leonard: Great, be right back.
Penny: Well, where you going, just put them on.
Leonard: Here?
Penny: Oh, are you shy?
Leonard: No, I’m not shy.
Penny: Don’t worry, I won’t look.
Leonard: I know you won’t look, why would you look, there’s nothing to see, well, not nothing….
Penny: Sweetie, put the pants on.
Leonard: Putting them on.
Penny: So, you know, isn’t there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing.
Leonard: No. No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesise facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is batcrap crazy.
Penny: What is this?
Leonard: Oh, careful. That’s my original series Battlestar Galactica flight suit.
Penny: Oh, why didn’t you wear it at Halloween?
Leonard: Because it’s not a costume, it’s a flight suit.
Penny: Okay, alright, moving on, oh, wow, a paisley shirt.
Leonard: Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit.
Penny: If you mean it should end up in the same place then, I agree. Is this your… your only tie?
Leonard: Ah. Technically yes, but, if you’ll notice, it’s reversible. So it works as two.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, I don’t think it even works as one. Is this all your clothes?
Leonard: Yeah. Everything since the eighth grade.
Penny: The… the eighth grade?
Leonard: My last growth spurt.
Penny: Okay, well, I guess we’re back to the corduroy suit.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: Yup. (Leonard picks up paisley shirt) I said no, put it down.
Scene: The ground floor hallway.
Penny: Hey Sheldon!
Sheldon (unlocking his mailbox): Hello Penny.  
Penny: Get anything good?
Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week.
Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.
Penny: Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…
Sheldon: Oh dear God!
Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh.
Sheldon: A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.
Penny: Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.
Sheldon: Huh.
Penny: Well how do you feel?
Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.
Penny: Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend.
Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
Penny: Wait… what?
Sheldon: I couldn’t poop this morning.
Penny: You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out.
Sheldon: It’s certainly preferable to my plan.
Penny: Which was?
Sheldon: A powerful laxative.
Penny: Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.
Sheldon: Excuse me, little idea?
Penny: Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but…
Sheldon: Of course you didn’t, he said little idea?
Penny: Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words.
Sheldon: In what words then, exactly
Penny: Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s
Sheldon: What did he say?
Penny: You had a lucky hunch.
Leonard (coming out of apartment): Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don’t….
Sheldon: Don’t you ever speak to me again.
Leonard: What… (Sheldon goes into apartment and slams the door).
Penny: Uh, he… (makes “he’s screwy” hand movements, turns to go).
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed in the corduroy suit.
Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving for the conference.
Sheldon: Have fun presenting my lucky hunch.
Leonard: Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that.
Sheldon: Then why did you say it.
Leonard: I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my…
Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?
Leonard: No, no not at all. A little bit.
Sheldon: How’d that work out for you?
Penny (entering): Leonard, ready to go?
Sheldon: Libido 1, truth zero.
Leonard: Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.
Sheldon: And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me.
Leonard: Let’s go.
Penny: Bye Sheldon.
Sheldon: Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!
Scene: A corridor at the conference. Penny is attaching Leonard’s name tag.
Penny: There you go.
Leonard: You’re right, this side does look better.
Penny: No, no, I didn’t say better, I said less stained.
Howard: I just checked the house, there’s probably twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Penny: Is that all?
Leonard: All? In particle physics, twenty five is Woodstock.
Penny: Oh, well, then good!
Leonard: I wasn’t expecting such a crowd, I’m a little nervous.
Howard: It’s okay, just open with a joke, you’ll be fine.
Leonard: A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there’s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won’t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum. (Raj and Howard laugh.) Right?
Penny: Oh, sorry, I’ve just, I’ve heard it before.
Howard: Let’s roll. Hey, nice suit.
Leonard: It’s a classic, right?
Penny: I really should have brought my own car.
Scene: Leonard is presenting.
Leonard: So, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and the solid becomes a super-solid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter. (Applause) Thank you. (Penny is asleep on Howard’s shoulder. Howard is taking a photograph with his camera phone.) Are there any questions?
Voice: Yeah. What the hell was that?
Leonard: Any other questions?
Sheldon (who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses): Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
Leonard: I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science.
Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Leonard: Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.
Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence.
Leonard: Really, so why did you come?
Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.
Leonard: I didn’t screw it up.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.
Leonard: I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
Sheldon: So you admit that you’re an egotist?
Leonard: Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse.
Sheldon: Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)
Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon: Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm.
Leonard (knocking his hands down): Stop it.
Sheldon: You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.
Leonard: You were trying to blow up my head.
Sheldon: So it was working.
Leonard: It wasn’t, it was not, you are a nutcase.
Sheldon: Oh we’ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.
Leonard: Stop, stop it, quit it. (The start to fight.)
Penny: Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard: More often than you’d think.
Leonard (getting Sheldon on floor): Vulcan nerve pinch!
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home.
Leonard: You’re lucky I didn’t run you over.
Sheldon: I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you.
Leonard: You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help.
Sheldon: Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it.
Leonard: Excuse me. Is there anything you’d like to apologise for?
Sheldon: Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.
Howard (entering with Raj): You won’t believe this.
Raj: Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Now, who would do that?
Howard: That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch).
Leonard: Oh jeez. Is this suit really look that bad?
Sheldon: Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin.
Penny (entering): Howard, would you like to explain to me why your facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned “Me and my Girlfriend?”
Howard: Uh-oh, here comes “the talk.”
Penny tries to make Howard’s brain explode.
Scene: Captioned “Somewhere in China”, two Chinese students watch the video on their computer.
Student one (in captions): What losers.
Student two: Yeah. Gigantic American geeks. (The lights flicker)
Student one:  Who’s doing that?
Student two: Someone from Pasadena, California named… “Wolowizard.”
Together: Awesome!
Scene: The downstairs lobby.
Leonard: See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?
Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I don’t know.
Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
Leonard: Alright, oh wait, they use it to in…
Sheldon: (Buzzing noise), too late, I win.
Penny (voice off, singing, quite tunelessly): Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight.
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Sheldon: I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).
Penny (still singing off): You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we’ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?
Leonard: What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.)
Penny: You’ll never guess what just happened.
Leonard: Oh, I give up.
Sheldon: I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.
Penny: What was that?
Leonard: Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?
Penny: Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?
Sheldon: I have a conclusion based on an observation.
Leonard: No you don’t. No he doesn’t.
Penny: Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
Leonard: Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.
Penny: It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know.
Sheldon: I think I know.
Leonard: No you don’t. He doesn’t.
Penny: It’s this Friday at eight, you guys want to come?
Together: No.
Leonard: Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
Sheldon: I think that’s a week from Tuesday at six.
Leonard: No, it’s this Friday, at eight.
Penny: Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys.
Leonard: See you. (Penny exits singing)
Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.
Leonard: Yes, I did.
Sheldon: And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety.
Sheldon: No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago.
Leonard: That’s very true.
Leonard exits. Sheldon looks worried for a moment, then retrieves the chicken from the bin and follows.
Credits sequence
Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I need to speak to you.
Leonard: It’s two o’clock in the morning
Sheldon: It’s important.
Leonard: I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard (opening door): What?
Sheldon: You’re right, it can wait until morning.
Leonard (following Sheldon into living room): What, what, what, what, what?
Sheldon: Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.
Leonard: Sheldon, what is it?
Sheldon: I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say.
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon: I was not aware of that.
Leonard: Well now you are.
Sheldon: Oh, alright. Leonard.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)…..
Leonard: Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?
Sheldon: I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.
Leonard closes door.
Sheldon: Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.
Penny: What do you want?
Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?
Penny: I remember symposium.
Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny: Well imagine how I’m feeling.
Sheldon: Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit.
Scene: The living room.
Leonard: You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?
Sheldon: To help you.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help.
Sheldon: She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.
Leonard: Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling.
Sheldon: Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention.
Leonard: Your cousin Leopold?
Sheldon: Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important.
Leonard: What’s important?
Sheldon: Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.
Leonard: Do you have a cousin Leopold.
Sheldon: No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee.
Leonard: I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web.
Leonard: Un-unravelable?
Sheldon: Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.
Leonard: Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.
Sheldon: Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive.
Leonard: We’re going to Long Beach?
Sheldon: No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, come on!
Sheldon: We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.
Leonard: So he goes back into rehab?
Sheldon: Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.
Leonard: You still told her I lied.
Sheldon: For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?
Leonard: I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.
Sheldon: That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force.
Leonard: So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach?
Sheldon: Un-unravelable.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (opening door): Oh hey Penny, wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase, you look great.
Penny: Thanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium.
Leonard: Oh, well, thankyou.
Penny: You know, I got to tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that’s not who you are, you are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when… when he has a symposium to go to.
Leonard: I don’t know what to say.
Penny: It’s okay, Leonard (hugs him.)
Leonard: Oh, okay, alright, good.
Howard (arriving): Oh boy, group hug.
Penny: Uh-huh!
Howard: Uh-huh?
Penny: Uh-huh!
Howard: Okay. So what’s up?
Sheldon: Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.
Howard: Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you’re Bogarding the symposium.
Leonard: Howard, I’m sorry… we’re… we’re
Howard: No, no, you’re quark-blocking us.
Leonard: I don’t know what to say.
Howard: Wow.
Leonard: Howard, listen…
Howard: No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.
Penny: Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.
Sheldon: Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that.
Penny: There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard.
Leonard: Well… I don’t know what to say.
Penny: It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian
Sheldon: Good for you.
Penny: Hah, yeah! Because he didn’t want Sheldon to be embarrassed, and there is nothing to be embarrassed okay, every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, I’m lost too, I think she skipped a step.
Penny: No, look, Sheldon’s cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he’s in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family’s going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he’s such a good man.
Leonard: Oh, another hug, thank you.
Penny: Alright you guys, good luck.
Leonard: Thanks Penny.
Howard: Yeah, uh, break a leg.
Sheldon: Break a leg. (She leaves)
Howard: So, road trip to Long Beach.
Leonard: No, we’re not going to Long Beach.
Raj: Why not?
Leonard: Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold.
Raj: Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach.
Sheldon: It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.
Raj: Sounds fun.
Howard: I’m game.
Raj: Shotgun.
Sheldon: No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.
Leonard: Wait, are we really going to Long Beach?
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. The bedside table is piled with Queen Mary memorabilia.
 Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…
Leonard: Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not.
Sheldon: No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie.
Leonard: What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over.
Sheldon: Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child.
Leonard: There is no Leo, how can you say that?
Sheldon: You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.
Leonard: I’ve got a solution.
Sheldon: Great, what is it?
Leonard: Get out.
Sheldon: Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.
Scene: The living room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. There is a strange man eating cereal at the kitchen table.
Strange man: Morning.
Leonard: Who are you?
Man: I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo.
Leonard: Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.
Man: Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.
Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.
Man: Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.
Sheldon: For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you.
Leonard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT.
Toby: It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards.
Leonard: Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?
Sheldon: Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.
Leonard: Oh…!
Toby: Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.
Sheldon: No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
Toby: Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?
Sheldon: Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.
Penny: Hi. How did the intervention go.
Sheldon: Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab.
Penny: Well, based on what you told me, I’m not surprised.
Sheldon: But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour.
Penny: Hi Leo, how are you feeling?
Toby: Let me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel, covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute?
Penny: No.
Toby: Then don’t ask me how I’m feeling.
Leonard: Well, that’s Leo. Hey, um, why don’t you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny: Oh, it was okay I guess, wasn’t a big turn out but they both really seemed to like it.
Leonard: There were only two people there?
Penny: By the end. Yeah.
Toby: Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!
Penny: I’m… I’m sorry.
Toby: The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.
Sheldon: Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.
Toby: That’s never been proven.
Sheldon: There have been studies.
Toby: Not double blind studies.
Sheldon: How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group.
Leonard: As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly, let’s give them some privacy.
Penny: Yeah. Hey, do you want to come over to my place, have coffee?
Leonard: Sounds good.
Penny: I have a video of me singing last night, do you want to see it?
Leonard: Gee, why wouldn’t I?
Penny: This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.
Leonard: Yeah! Funny how things work out.
Toby: And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide.
Sheldon: Your parents made the right decision.
Toby: I cannot work like this!
Scene: The apartment. Penny is on the sofa with Toby. They are watching TV.
Toby: This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or… or… wondering if you’re a dude down there.
Penny: Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You’re gonna do okay.
Toby: One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time.
Leonard: How long is he going to stay here.
Sheldon: He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
Scene: The living room of the apartment. Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard’s move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately.
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again?
Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board.
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.
Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey!
Penny: Did you get my mail.
Leonard: Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
Penny: Boy, it’s good to be back.
Leonard: How was your family?
Penny: Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.
Sheldon: Sick?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon (running to opposite side of the room): What kind of sick?
Penny: Oh, the flu I guess.
Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?
Penny: Maybe Friday.
Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon?
Penny: I… I don’t…
Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when?
Leonard: Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious.
Sheldon: Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.
Leonard: Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe.
Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I understand.
Sheldon: Thanks for your consideration, now please leave.
Leonard: You’d better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol.
Penny: Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.
Leonard: No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.)
Sheldon: What?
Credits sequence
Scene: The kitchen
Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures.
Leonard: With lime jello?
Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.
Leonard: I don’t think so.
Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.
Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.
Leonard: Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting?
Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance.
Leonard: I’m going back to bed.
Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon: It’s right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and takes his temperature.
Sheldon: Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Leonard, I’m sick!
Cut to Leonard entering living room in panic, stumbling and trying to put on a pair of trousers.
Sheldon (voice off): Leonard! Leonard I’m sick!
Leonard grabs jacket and leaves through front door.
Sheldon (entering, wrapped in duvet): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow!
Leonard (voice on phone): Hey.
Sheldon: Leonard, where are you?
Leonard (running down stairs): I’m at work.
Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: On Sunday?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: They asked me to come in.
Sheldon: Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.
Leonard: They texted me.
Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
Leonard: No kidding?
Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.
Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?
Leonard: Drink whatever you want.
Sheldon: I want soup.
Leonard: Then make soup.
Sheldon: We don’t have soup.
Leonard: I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.)
Sheldon: Is that a dog?
Leonard: Yes,
Sheldon: In the lab?
Leonard: Yes, they’re training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. The phone is ringing.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, it’s the phone.
Howard: I know it’s the phone, Ma, I hear the phone.
Howard’s Mother: Well who’s calling at this ungodly hour?
Howard: I don’t know.
Howard’s Mother: Well ask them why they’re calling at this ungodly hour.
Howard: How can I ask them when I’m talking to you! (Into phone) Hello.
Leonard: Howard, it’s Leonard, code Milky Green.
Howard: Dear Lord, not Milky Green!
Leonard: Affirmative, with fever.
Howard’s Mother: Who’s on the phone.
Howard: It’s Leonard.
Howard’s Mother: Why is he calling.
Howard: Sheldon’s sick.
Howard’s Mother: Were you playing with him?
Howard: For God’s sake, Ma, I’m twenty six years old.
Howard’s Mother: Excuse me Mr Grown-up. Whadda-ya want for breakfast.
Howard: Chocolate milk and eggoes please!
Leonard: Howard, listen to me.
Howard: Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard (voice): No, don’t, don’t….
Howard: Hello.
Sheldon: Howard, I’m sick.
Howard (imitating his mother’s voice): Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon: I need soup.
Howard: Then call your own mother. (To Leonard) It was Sheldon.
Leonard: I tried to stop you.
Howard: It’s my own fault, I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of ’06.
Leonard: You call Koothrappali, we need to find a place to lay low for the next eighteen to twenty four hours.
Howard: Stand by. Ma, can my friends come over?
Howard’s Mother: I just had the carpets steamed.
Howard: That’s a negatory. But there’s a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art today.
Leonard: Five movies, two hours apiece. It’s a start.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Waitress: Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen.
Penny: No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much.
Penny: How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick.
Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed!
Penny: Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon: I want soup.
Penny (over Sheldon’s strange throat clearance): Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home.
Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for.
Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want.
Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.
Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek.
Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green?
Scene: The cinema. Everyone is wearing ape masks.
Howard: Look at this, everyone went chimp.
Raj: Well I’d like to point out, I voted for orang-utan, but you shouted me down. (Phone rings).
Leonard: Oh, hi Penny!
Penny: Hey, where are you?
Leonard: I’m… uh… at work.
Penny: You sound funny.
Leonard: I’m… uh… in a… I’m in a radiation suit. What’s up?
Penny: Yeah, well I’m at work too, and you’ll never guess who’s here infecting my entire station.
Leonard (To Howard and Raj): Sheldon’s at the Cheesecake Factory. (Into phone) Just tell him to go home.
Penny: He won’t leave, he says he’s afraid he’ll pass out on the bus and someone will harvest his organs.
Leonard (To Howard and Raj): He’s paranoid, and he’s established a nest.
Penny: Can you please come get him?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, I’d be… I’d be happy to Penny. (Holds phone up, Howard makes warning siren noises) Oh my God there’s a breech in the radiation unit (Raj joins in) The whole city is in jeopardy, oh my God, Professor Googenfeil is melting, gotta go, bye! (To Howard and Raj) I feel really guilty.
Raj: You did what you had to do. (Steals some of Howard’s popcorn)
Howard: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home.
Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything.
Sheldon: Good. Good.
Penny: Okay, well, you feel better.
Sheldon: Wait, where are you going?
Penny: Um, home, to write some bad cheques.
Sheldon: You’re going to leave me?
Penny: Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before?
Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself.
Penny: Really, never?
Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
Penny: And there was no-one there to take care of you?
Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again.
Penny: Again?
Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need?
Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths.
Penny: Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas.
Sheldon: Agreed.
Scene: The cinema.
Raj: Here we go, ten and a half hours of apey goodness.
Leonard: Oh dammit, my glasses. Okay, I’m blind here guys, can you help me find them?
Howard: Sorry. (Crunching sound) Found ‘em.
Leonard: Oh great.
Howard: Sorry, don’t you have a spare.
Leonard: Yeah, at home.
Raj: Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston.
Howard: Unless Sheldon’s there, in which case you’ll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web.
Leonard (Dials phone): Hi, Penny. I was wondering, is Sheldon still at the restaurant? Okay, that was very nice of you. Okay, gotta go, got kind of a full blown Chernobyl thing here, gotta go, bye. (To Howard) He’s home, I’m screwed. Ten and a half hours of apey blurriness.
Raj: How about Lasic?
Leonard: You want me to get eye surgery?
Raj: Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam?
Howard: Well?
Leonard: I’m thinking!
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny: Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I’ll see you later.
Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself?
Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny.
Penny: But Sheldon….
Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Penny: I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it.
Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you.
Penny (after a loud sigh): Soft kitty, warm kitty…
Sheldon: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing.
Penny (through gritted teeth): Little ball of fur.
Scene: The living room door, a fibre-optic camera emerges from underneath. We see the scene from its point of view. Cut to outside. Raj is holding a laptop, Howard is feeding the camera under the door.
Leonard: What do you see, what do you see.
Raj: The living room appears to be empty.
Leonard: Okay, he must be in his bedroom. My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my Bat-signal.
Howard: I’m not going in there.
Leonard: Raj?
Raj: No way, Jose.
Leonard: Well I can’t do it, I can’t see anything.
Howard: It’s all right, wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset. We’ll be your eyes.
Leonard: Fine.
Howard: One more thing. This is a subsonic impact sensor. If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop. At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you’ll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
Leonard: Won’t my footsteps set it off?
Howard: No, you’ll be on your hands and knees. Now you’ll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon’s room.
Leonard: Well, how do I carry it if I’m on my hands and knees?
Cut to Leonard entering apartment on hands and knees, carrying the sensor in his teeth.
Howard: Stay low. Bear left. Now keep true.
Leonard: What?
Howard: It means go straight.
Leonard: Then just say go straight.
Howard: You don’t stay go straight when you’re giving bearings, you say keep true.
Leonard: Alright (Bangs head on a trunk.) I just hit my head.
Howard: Because you didn’t keep true. (Time shift, Leonard is now outside bedrooms) Okay, turn right.
Raj: The… the picture’s breaking up.
Howard: Angle your head to the right. A little more. A little more. (Leonard now has his head at right angles to his body) That’s it, now just keep true. Alright, you’re close enough to Sheldon’s room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on.
Leonard: It wasn’t on?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Then why did I have to crawl?
Howard: Oh, I guess you didn’t.
Leonard: Okay, it’s on.
Howard: Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl.
Leonard: I know.
Howard: Hang on, the sensor’s picking up something, turn your head back. (Camera angle shows a pair of female legs.)
Penny: You rat bastard.
Howard (running down stairs with Raj): Told you the sensor would work.
Leonard: Hi!
Penny: You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
Leonard: Well, I had to, you see what he’s like.
Sheldon (off): Penny! Penny, I’m hungry.
Penny: Uh, it’s okay, sweetie, good news, Leonard’s home!
Leonard: No!
Penny (handing him vaporub): Here you go, good luck, bye.
Leonard: W-wait!
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m hungry!
Leonard: Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.)
Sheldon: I want grilled cheese.
Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard is holding an ice-pack to his head.
Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
Leonard: I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again.
Sheldon: I’m very congested.
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.
Leonard: If I stand, I’ll vomit.
Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.
Scene: The University cafeteria.
Sheldon: Here’s the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.
Leonard: How about that.
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard: That is a problem.
Sheldon: So, you see it too.
Dr Gablehouser (arriving): Dr Hofstadter, Dr Cooper.
Together: Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehouser: Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Leonard: Graduate work, very impressive.
Gablehouser: And he’s only fifteen years old.
Sheldon: Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen.
Dennis: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea.
Leonard: Advantage Kim.
Gablehouser: I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.
Dennis: I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end.
Sheldon: Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.
Dennis: Well, obviously you don’t see it yet, but trust me, you will.
Gablehouser: Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.
Leonard: Yes sir.
Sheldon: You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end.
Dennis: I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition… ooh, look, chocolate milk.
Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force.
Leonard (in a Yoda voice): A bad feeling I have about this, mmm-hmmm.
Credits sequence
Scene: A corridor.
Leonard: So, Dennis, how long have you been in America.
Dennis: A year and a half.
Leonard: No kidding, you speak English really well.
Dennis: So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Dennis: That.
Sheldon: He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.
Dennis: Is this part of the tour?
Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything.
Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye.
Dennis: Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections.
Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye.
Dennis: You see where you went wrong, don’t you?
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Huh, yeah?
Sheldon: Get him out.
Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the rec centre, they’ve got nautilus equipment.
Dennis: Do I look like I lift weights.
Leonard: Not heavy ones.
Dennis: It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.
Sheldon: You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it?
Dennis: Have you considered it?
Sheldon: Get him out Leonard.
Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.
Dennis: Wow, you won the Stephenson award.
Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Dennis: Really, how old?
Sheldon: Fourteen and a half.
Dennis: You were the youngest person ever to win it.
Leonard: It’s like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn’t it?
Scene: The living room of the apartment.
Penny (to Raj): Mmm, this is really delicious, isn’t it? (Raj looks uncomfortable, then nods.) Still can’t talk to me unless you’re drunk, huh? (Shakes head) Oh, sweetie, you are so damaged.
Howard: Hey, I’m damaged too. How about a hug for Howie?
Penny: Sure. Raj, hug Howard.
Sheldon (dramatically): Uh-uh-uh.
Leonard: Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps.
Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me.
Howard: You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, you’ll feel better.
Sheldon: Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.
Penny: I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk?
Leonard: You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg.
Penny: So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is.
Sheldon: Well of course you don’t, you’ve never excelled at anything.
Penny: I don’t understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
Howard: We liked Leonard.
Leonard: Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up?
Sheldon: Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die.
Penny: You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?
Scene: The same, later that night
Sheldon: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.
Leonard: Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help.
Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?
Leonard: It would blow up.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Leonard: Pretty sure.
Sheldon: Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.
Sheldon: Alright.
Leonard: Go away.
Sheldon: If you’re concerned about sharing credit with me, you’re name can go first… I’m going.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Howard (into phone): It’s a small brown paper bag, Ma, I’m looking at it right now. (Pause.) Why would I make that up, there’s no ding-dong in it. (Pause.) How are two ding-dongs tomorrow going to help me today?
Sheldon (entering): So, this is engineering, huh?
Howard (into phone): I’ll talk to you later.
Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.
Howard: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I just came by to say hello.
Howard: I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello.
Sheldon: Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today?
Howard: A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon: Really, how does it work?
Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.
Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf?
Howard: No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf.
Sheldon: Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.
Howard: Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.
Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: Go away.
Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that?
Howard: No, I thought of it all by myself.
Sheldon: Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.
Scene: Raj is exiting his office.
Raj: Go away. (Sheldon exits)
Sheldon: Curiouser and curiouser.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard (entering): Is he here?
Leonard: If he were, I wouldn’t be.
Raj: Do you know what he did. He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.
Leonard: Is that even possible?
Raj: As it turns out, yes.
Howard: Something’s got to be done about him, Leonard.
Leonard: Like what? He’ll never be able to cope with the fact that some fifteen year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is.
Raj: Well, what if something were to happen to this boy so he was no longer a threat to Sheldon?
Howard: Then our problem would be solved.
Leonard: Hang on, are we talking about murdering Dennis Kim? I’m not saying no.
Howard: We don’t have to go that far, there are other means available.
Raj: We can’t send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out.
Howard: The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus.
Leonard: That won’t happen, he’s not interested in anything but physics.
Howard: What about biology?
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, biology? The one thing that can completely derail a world class mind.
Leonard: Howard, he’s fifteen.
Howard: Yeah, so, when I was fifteen I met Denise Polmerry and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8.
Raj: She was sleeping with you?
Howard: No, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did.
Sheldon (entering): Oh, good, you’re all here. Look, I’ve decided that if the three of you drop whatever it is you’re working on and join me, we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade, twelve years tops. (They stare at him.) Go away? (They nod) Hmm. Could it be me?
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment.
Penny (opening door): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?
Howard: We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Howard, that’s racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.)
Raj: It’s possible she may have misunderstood us.
Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making measurements on maps. There is a knock on the door.
Gablehouser (entering): Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting?
Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.
Gablehouser: Oh, what are you working on?
Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.
Gablehouser: To what end?
Sheldon: You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come.
Gablehouser: Who will come?
Sheldon: The Jewish people.
Gablehouser: What if they don’t come.
Sheldon: We’ll make it nice, put out a spread.
Gablehouser: Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who’s agreed to join us here at the University.
Sheldon: Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can’t you.
Gablehouser: Okay, well, uh, obviously you’re very busy with your… uh, um, come Dennis. You’ll have to excuse Dr Cooper, he’s been under a lot of… um… he’s nuts.
Sheldon (voice off, sings to a Mexican tune): Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…
Scene: The welcoming party
Sheldon: I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?
Goldfarb: Go away.
Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem.
Goldfarb: Please go away.
Sheldon: Said Pharoah to Moses.
Gablehouser: Why are all these young women here?
Leonard: It’s take your daughter to work day.
Gablehouser: Really, I was not aware of that.
Raj: Oh, yes. There was a very official email that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the ages of 14 and 16.
Gablehouser: Hm?
Howard: Smooth.
Raj: Thank you.
Gablehouser: There’s the man of the hour.
Leonard: Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive age-appropriate women.
Howard: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them. (The look at Dennis, who is picking his ear.)
Leonard: Does anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Raj: We need a social catalyst.
Leonard: Like what? We can’t get fifteen year-old girls drunk.  
Howard: Or can we?
Leonard: No, we can’t.
Howard: I don’t think you mean we can’t. I think you mean we shouldn’t.
Sheldon: Hey, Howard. You’re a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it’s definitely me.
Leonard: Okay, we cannot leave this to chance, lets pick a girl, and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
Raj: Okay. How about that one.
Howard: Uh-uh. I know the type, cheerleader, student council, goes out with jocks, won’t even look at anybody in the gifted programme. And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a set-up and you’re in the back seat of your mom’s car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
Raj: Are you crying?
Howard: No, I have allergies.
Raj: Okay, uh, how about her?
Leonard: Sure. If he wants to spend a couple of years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat White Russians, while you’re the one holding her head out of the toilet while she’s puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you, and they she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her, and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn’t even know you.
Raj: Okay, so not her either. How about her?
Howard: Interesting, kind of pretty, a little chubby so probably low self-esteem.
Leonard: I think that’s our girl. One of us should go talk to her.
Raj: I can’t talk to her, you do it.
Leonard: I can’t just go up and talk to her. Howard, you talk to her.
Howard: Oh no, she’ll never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this.
Raj: You know, if we were in India this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, twenty goats and a laptop and we’d be done.
Leonard: Well, we’re not in India.
Raj: Alright, why don’t we do it your way then? We’ll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end.
Leonard: Okay, that was uncalled for.
Raj: You started it, dude.
Gablehouser: Could I have everyone’s attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family.
Sheldon (sarcastically): Welcome Dennis Kim.
Gablehouser: Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.
Sheldon: Youngest till the cyborgs rise up!
Gablehouser: And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr Dennis Kim. Dennis! Dennis!
Dennis: What?
Gablehouser: Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research.
Dennis: Um, no thanks. I’m going to the mall with Emma.
Gablehouser: Well, uh, well, uh….
Leonard: The kid got a girl.
Raj: Unbelievable.
Howard: Did anyone see how he did it?
Sheldon (to Gablehouser): Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Ladies and Gentlemen, honoured daughters. While Mr Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you.
Howard: He’s back.
Leonard: Yeah, mission accomplished.
Raj: Forget the mission, how did that little yutz get a girl on his own?
Howard: I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard: Well, why do we go home alone every night, we’re still smart.
Raj: Maybe we’re too smart. So smart it’s offputting.
Howard: Yeah, let’s go with that.
Scene: The park. The four guys are carrying remote control rockets.
Howard: Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station, and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
Leonard: I don’t know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman “you have to frisk me, I have a rocket in my pants.”
Raj: Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It’s Dennis Kim.
Howard: Wow, I almost didn’t recognise him.
Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)
Leonard: Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Sheldon: Screw him, he was weak.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is looking at his mobile phone.
Howard: Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There’s going to be a scene depicting Spock’s birth.
Raj: I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I’d like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn’t just conceive.
Howard: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock’s dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears.
Raj: How come on Star Trek everybody’s private parts are the same. No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, hey, get your thing out of my nose.
Penny (entering): Hi, can you help me, I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it’s just going “aaaaaaa”.
Leonard: What did you spill on it?
Penny: Nothing. Diet coke. And yoghurt. A little nail polish.
Leonard: I’ll take a look at it.
Howard: Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news. Fishman, Chen, Chowdry, McNair aren’t fielding a team in the university physics bowl this year.
Leonard: You’re kidding, why not?
Howard: They formed a barbershop quartet, and got a gig playing Knotsbury Farm.
Penny: Wow, so in your world, you’re like, the cool guys.
Howard: Recognise.
Leonard: This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod.
Penny: Zod?
Howard: Kryptonian villain. Long story.
Raj: Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)
Sheldon: Well count me out.
Howard: What? Why?
Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Leonard: Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people.
Sheldon: By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
Penny: I want tickets to that please.
Leonard: Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you.
Sheldon: No, don’t.
Leonard: The needs of the many.
Howard: Outweigh the needs of the few.
Sheldon: Or the one. Dammit, I’ll do it.
Credits sequence
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions.
Howard: How about the perpetual motion squad? It’s beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.
Leonard: The ladies?
Howard: Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.
Raj: I like it.
Sheldon: I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.
Raj: Then we can be the Bengal Tigers.
Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Raj: Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.
Leonard: Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour….
Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.
Leonard: Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?
Sheldon: I will yield.
Leonard: After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?
Sheldon: He does.
Leonard: I move we are the Army Ants, all those in favour?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today’s physics bowl practice round. I’m Penny, and I’ll be your host, because apparently I didn’t have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn’t that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: Fire away. (Raj puts his thumb up.)
Penny: You know, it’s none of my business, but isn’t a guy who can’t speak in front of women going to hold you back a little?
Leonard: Oh, uh, he’ll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they’re one on one and smell nice.
Penny: Oh, thanks Raj, it’s vanilla oil.
Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start.
Penny: Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds.
Penny: That is correct.
Leonard: I knew that too.
Penny: Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
Penny: Right.
Howard: Hey, I buzzed in.
Sheldon: But I answered, it’s called teamwork.
Howard: Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal. 
Leonard: Just ask another one.
Penny: Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.)
Sheldon: And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.
Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it’s polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them?
Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers too.
Sheldon: Oh please, you don’t even have a PhD.
Howard: Alright, that’s it.
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard: Okay.
Leonard: maybe we should take a little break.
Sheldon: Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): I agree.
Penny: What did he say?
Howard: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer’s eve.
Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in.
Scene: The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.
Leonard: Can it wait, I need to talk to you.
Sheldon: Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
Leonard: Why do they say AA?
Sheldon: Army Ants.
Leonard: Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.
Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?
Leonard: No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!
Sheldon: Oh neat, what’s the occasion?
Leonard: Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.
Sheldon: No you didn’t.
Leonard: Yes we did, I just came from it.
Sheldon: Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet.
Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because you’re taking all the fun out of it.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.
Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: It’s on, bitch.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So who’d he get to be on his team.
Leonard: He won’t say. He just smiles, and eats macaroons out of his bat jar.
Raj: He’s using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you.
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard: That sounds more like, we are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.
Leonard: Guys, let’s remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my room mate.
Howard: So?
Leonard: So nothing, let’s destroy him.
Sheldon (walking past): Gentlemen.
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard: Okay, we’re going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj: You know who’s apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV’s Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard: Raj, we’re not getting TV’s Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj: How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard: Gentlemen, I believe I’ve found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard: We can’t ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night’s chutney?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Sometimes you’ve got to take one for the team.
Raj: Yeah. Sack up, dude.
Leonard: Fine. Here I go, taking one for the team. In the sack. Hey Leslie.
Leslie: Hi guys.
Leonard: Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I…
Howard: Hit that thang.
Leslie: Leonard, there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we’ve seen each other’s faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus.
Leonard: There’s not? Gee, cos it sure sounds like there should be.
Leslie: Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
Leonard: That’s all very comforting, but if it’s okay, I’d like to get on with my question now.
Leslie: Proceed.
Leonard: We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fourth for our team.
Leslie: No thanks, I’m really busy with my like sign dilepton super symmetry search.
Howard: Dilepton, schmilepton, we need you.
Leslie: Sorry.
Howard: Well, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano-e-mano-e-mano. A-mano.
Leslie: Wait, you’re going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard: Yes.
Leslie: That arrogant, misogynistic East-Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard: She’s in.
Scene: The Physics Bowl.
Penny: So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (The guys look confused.) Are you ready?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. You know you don’t have to stay for the whole thing.
Penny: Oh, no, no, I want to. It sounds really interesting.
Sheldon (entering in his Star Trek themed shirt): Gentlemen.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Howard: Sheldon.
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
Penny: Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down.
Leonard: So, is that your team.
Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?
Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle?
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?
Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you.
Leslie: Oh, ouch.
Dr Gablehouser: Okay, if everyone could please take your seats.
Leonard: Here’s your tee-shirt. (Hands her a tee-shirt with PMS on it. Takes jacket off to reveal similar.)
Leslie: PMS? It’s a couple of days early, but…
Leonard: No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.
Leslie: Oh, right, of course, what was I thinking?
Gablehouser: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year’s physics bowl. Today’s preliminary match features two great teams… AA versus PMS.
Howard: All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.)
Gablehouser: Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS?
Leonard: The Eta Meson.
Gablehouser: Correct.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Gablehouser: On what grounds?
Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Gablehouser: Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is Technetium.
Gablehouser: Terrific. Next question, what is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation. (Buzz) PMS?
Raj: Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect.
Gablehouser: Correct.
(Time shift)
Gablehouser: How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS?
Leslie: Shor’s Algorithm.
Gablehouser: Correct.
(Time shift)
Sheldon: 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.
 (Time shift)
Leonard: Prevost’s theory of exchanges.
(Time shift)
Sheldon: Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N
(Time shift)
Howard: 760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
Gablehouser: Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
(Time shift)
Sheldon: A sigma particle.
(Time shift)
Leslie: Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the earth.
Gablehouser: Correct. Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question. The score now stands AA 1150, PMS 1175. So, for one hundred points, and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens. Solve the equation.
Raj: Holy crap.
Leonard: What the hell is that.
Howard: It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Leonard: Come on, think, Leslie.
Leslie: Leonard, it’s not going to work if you rush me, you have to let me get there.
Leonard: You’re never going to let that go, are you?
Gablehouser: Ten seconds. (Buzz) PMS.
Leonard: Sorry, I panicked.
Howard: Then guess.
Leonard: Um, eight. (Gablehouser stares at him.) Point four.
Gablehouser: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.
Howard: He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat.
(Sheldon looks more and more uncomfortable, so much he is involuntarily twitching.)
Gablehouser: AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)
Third Floor Janitor: The answer is minus eight by alpha.
Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?
Third Floor Janitor: Answering question. Winning physics bowl.
Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?
Third Floor Janitor: Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears.
Sheldon: Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.
Third Floor Janitor: You didn’t answer question.
Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!
Gablehouser: AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.
Gablehouser: Then what is it?
Sheldon: I want a different question.
Gablehouser: You can’t have a different question.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied.
Sheldon: Informal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.
Gablehouser: Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
Sheldon: That’s your opinion.
Gablehouser: Alright, the winner of the match is…
Leonard: Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team.
Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.
Leonard: Go ahead.
Gablehouser: The winner is PMS!
(We Are The Champions by Queen plays as the team celebrate in slow motion and Sheldon puts his head in his hands. The celebration ends with Howard on his knees ripping his shirt in half and waving it round his head before throwing it to the audience.)
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot.
Leonard: Sorry, somebody’s sitting there.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy!
Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win.
Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”
Sheldon: Alright that is very immature.
Leonard: You’re right, I’m sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I’m not!
Penny (entering): Okay, new contest.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Leonard: Bring it on.
Penny: Okay. Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters of what TV family? (They stare at her.) The Brady Bunch. Okay, Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
Sheldon (after they look at each other in confusion): The Brady Bunch?
Penny: Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn!
Leonard: How do you know these things?
Penny: I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?
Sheldon: William Shatner.
Leonard: Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner.
Sheldon: Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart.
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Penny: Alright, singer who sang “Oops I Did It Again.” (Sheldon starts involuntarily twitching again.) Okay, Tweetie Bird, taught he taw a what?
Sheldon (after they pass a smug look between each other): Romulan.
Penny: Yes. He taught he taw a Romulan.
(Sheldon and Leonard do a victory hand slide.)  
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard: I don’t believe it.
Sheldon: I know, it’s basic culinary science.
Leonard: Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no-one is bidding on it.
Howard: A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
Leonard: No, a time machine from Sophie’s Choice.
Raj: Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it, it’s rough.
Howard: Oh, that’s cool.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Raj: It’s only $800?
Leonard: Yeah. And that’s my bid.
Sheldon: You bid $800.
Leonard: It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
Sheldon: There’s only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Howard: Do you have $800?
Leonard: Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Howard: Don’t worry, the way these things work there’s people waiting ‘til the last second to bid, and then they swoop in and get it, it’s called sniping.
Raj: Fifteen seconds.
Leonard: Come on, snipers.
Raj: Ten, nine, eight…
Leonard: Where are your snipers?
Raj: Five.
Leonard: Snipe.
Raj: Four.
Leonard: Snipe.
Raj: Three.
Leonard: Snipe!
Raj: Two.
Leonard: SNIPE!
Raj: One.
Leonard: Aaaa-aw!
Raj: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
Howard: You lucky duck.
Sheldon: I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard: Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it.
Howard: Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.
Raj: A time share time machine? I’m in. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid.
Scene: The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine.
Sheldon: I understand why no-one else bid.
Credits sequence
Scene: The same
Raj: Did the listing actually say miniature?
Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.
Howard: It’s actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound.
Raj: Cocktain shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard: How are we going to get it upstairs?
Howard: If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard: Yes but the elevator’s been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard: Not necessary, I have a masters in engineering, I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left I performed a front end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Presses lift button. Nothing happens.) No, that baby’s broken.
Scene: The stairwell, approaching the apartment door. Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the last part of the stairs.
Leonard: Come on, guys, push.
Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.
Raj (off): I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up.
Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Raj: If my fingers ever work again, I’ve got a job for the middle one.
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon): Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, just, you know, moving… something upstairs.
Penny: What is it?
Leonard: It’s… you know, time machine.
Penny: Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard: Uh, just give us a few minutes.
Penny: I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late.
Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell.
Penny: You’re joking, right?
Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
Penny: Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof.
Leonard: Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind.
Sheldon: For what it’s worth, I thought it was humorous.
Leonard: Let’s just do this. Guys, ready to push?
Raj: In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up.
Scene: The living room. The time machine is set up.
Sheldon: I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.
Howard: Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj: Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard: You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that?
Raj: He’s got a point.
Sheldon: Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine.
Leonard: Seconded.
Howard: I was going to put down a towel.
Raj: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.
Leonard: That sounds fair.
Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?
Raj: Twice a month.
Sheldon: Then no.
Raj: Okay, every other month.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.
Howard: Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.
Sheldon: Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too.
Leonard: So, when it’s your turn you can.
Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up.
Raj: Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
Howard: And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”
Raj: Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock.
Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
Raj: Ooh, how far into the future?
Sheldon: If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Leonard: Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328. Here we go into the future. (Pulls lever, the disk begins to spin. The other guys all run around the flat as if moving in fast motion.) That was fun.
Raj: My turn.
Penny (entering): Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Penny: Zzz-zz-zz-zz! Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch.
Leonard: That doesn’t sound too bad.
Penny: It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Leonard: Sorry.
Penny: Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…
Sheldon: Time machine.
Leonard: The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?
Penny: No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…
Sheldon: Again, time machine.
Penny: Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
Penny: Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic. (Storms out. A beat, and then…)
Raj: My turn!
Scene: Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, it’s two in the morning.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Sheldon: It won’t change the past.
Leonard: But it would make the present so much nicer.
Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…
Leonard: Yes I’m upset.
Sheldon: Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Wow, I’m on fire tonight.
Leonard: Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Leonard: Thanks for pointing it out.
Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
Leonard: Those are movies.
Sheldon: Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd.
Scene: The stairwell. It is the previous day, and again Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the stairs.
Leonard: Come on, guys, push.
Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon): Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, just, you know, moving a… time machine.
Penny: Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard: No problem. (Removes glasses, pulls down out of order tape from lift doors, and forces them open.) Hang on. (Takes Penny in his arms as he holds onto the lift cable.)
Penny: But, what about your time machine.
Leonard: Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.)
Penny: Oh, I’m scared.
Leonard: Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)
Sheldon: It’s still my turn.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Sheldon: Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen.
Leonard: It’s not about money.
Raj (entering): We brought food.
Howard: Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travellers.
Leonard: Terrific, does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?
Raj: Why?
Leonard: Because I don’t want it any more.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Just… personal reasons.
Sheldon: My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard: Look, do you want to buy me out or not?
Raj: I’ll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we’ll put it on my balcony.
Howard: Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage.
Leonard: I paid two hundred dollars for my share.
Raj: Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
Sheldon: I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is.
Raj: Three hundred, and I’ll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
Leonard: No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I’m getting rid of all of it.
Howard: You can’t do that, look what you’ve created here, it’s like nerdvana.
Raj: More importantly, you’ve a Darth Vader voice changer?
Leonard: Not for long.
Raj: Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Howard: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard: Well you can’t just call dibs.
Raj: I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Sheldon: Dibs doesn’t apply in a bidding war.
Leonard: It’s not a bidding war, I’m selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.
Raj: Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?
Howard: Will you forget dibs!
Leonard: He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
Sheldon: What’s the number, I’ll match it.
Raj: I’ll match it, plus a thousand rupees.
Sheldon: What’s the exchange rate.
Raj: None of your business. Take it or leave it.
Howard (on phone): Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel.
Leonard: Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me.
Raj: Okay, Leonard, put down the box, let’s talk.
Leonard: Sorry Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon (moving to block his path): No. I can’t let you do this.
Leonard: Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon (brandishing toy sword from Leonard’s box): None shall pass.
Leonard: Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.
Howard: Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here.
Penny (coming out of her flat): What the hell’s going on?
Sheldon: You hypocrite!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty!
Penny: Okay, okay look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said, I was just a bit upset.
Leonard: No, I needed to hear it.
Penny: No you didn’t. Look, you are a great guy, and it is things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts.
Leonard: Still, I think it’s time for me to get rid of this stuff and… you know… move on with my life.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Good for you. (Kisses his cheek.)
Leonard: Thanks. Hey, do you want to, I don’t know, later…
Good looking man coming up stairs: Excuse me. Hey, Penny!
Penny: Hi Mike.
Mike: Are you ready to go.
Penny: Yeah, I just have to change.
Mike: I’ll give you a hand.
Penny: Oh, stop it! Bye guys.
Leonard (after a long pause): My turn on the time machine.
Scene: A jungle. As the camera moves, the time machine becomes visible. Sheldon is sitting in it The disk stops spinning, and he looks around. The dials read APR 28 802,701.
Sheldon: It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.)
Leonard: Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: We have to get rid of the time machine.
Leonard: It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big.
Leonard: I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)
Sheldon: Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!
Scene: A corridor at the University.
Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it.
Raj: Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man.
Leonard (looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard): Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
Raj: We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here?
Leonard: I don’t know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn’t have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What’s going on?
Howard: Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon’s office.
Leonard: Sheldon’s office? Is she lost?
Howard: Don’t think so. I followed her here from the parking lot.
Leonard: Maybe she’s his lawyer.
Howard: Well she’s free to examine my briefs.
Leonard: Howard…
Howard: I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again.
Girl: Well, that should do it.
Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey buddy.
Sheldon: Buddy.
Howard: Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon: How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all.
Howard: Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you going to introduce us?
Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard.
Missy: It’s nice to meet you.
Leonard: You too, swell, also.
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: So, how do you two know each other.
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.
Missy: It’s because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer?
Howard: Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole.
Missy: Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)
Sheldon: Rajesh.
Credits sequence
Scene: The same.
Leonard: So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?
Howard: Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny.
Missy: My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.
Howard: Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.
Missy: And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.
Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.
Missy: I guess that’s why they call you a genius.
Sheldon: They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.
Leonard and Howard together: Woah, woah.
Leonard: If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight?
Missy: Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues.
Leonard: Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room.
Sheldon: No we don’t.
Howard: Come on, Shelly, she’s family.
Sheldon: So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.
Missy: Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.
Sheldon: And don’t ever call me Shelly.
Leonard: So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.
Howard: I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right?
Sheldon: What just happened?
Scene: The apartment.
Missy: So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
Leonard: Hee-hee, just classic.
Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits.
Missy: He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
Missy: Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.
Howard: Ha-ha, not your eyebrows?
Missy: Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.
Sheldon: Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical.
Penny (knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.): Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
Leonard: Those are not mine.
Penny: Really, they have your little name label in them.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny.
Missy: Hi.
Penny: Wow, you don’t look that much alike.
Howard: Can I get a hallelujah.
Sheldon: Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj (running in): Hey, guess what. I’ve been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Penny: Hey, good for you, Raj.
Raj: Yes, I’m very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India?
Missy: Well, there’s Dr Patel at our church.
Raj: Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man.
Howard: Do you like motorcycles, ‘cos I ride a hog.
Raj: A hog? You have a two cylinder scooter with a basket on the front.
Howard: You still have to wear a helmet.
Raj: Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
Missy: The sex book?
Raj: The Indian sex book. In other words if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us.
Penny (to Leonard): Hey, Sheldon’s sister’s pretty cute, I w….
Leonard: I wasn’t staring!
Penny: I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute.
Leonard: Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect.
Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon: I’m not ignoring my sister. I’m ignoring all of you.
Leonard: I brought snacks.
Missy: Oh my! Gherkins and….
Leonard: Onion dip, it’s onion dip.
Missy: Oh.
Leonard: We don’t entertain much.
Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You’re welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You’re welcome!
Penny: Missy, I’m going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?
Missy: God yes. Thanks.
Penny: You’re welcome.
Missy: Bye guys.
Howard: Bye Missy.
Leonard: Bye Missy, see you.
Penny: Goodbye Leonard!
Leonard: Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny.
Howard: Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj: Why should I back off, you back off dude.
Leonard: Excuse me, this is my apartment and she’s my roommate’s sister.
Howard: So what, you’ve already got Penny.
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!
Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?
Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?
Sheldon: I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Howard: I’m a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!
Raj: Hey, look at me, I don’t have a foreskin.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?
Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.
Leonard: That’s fascinating, but I…
Sheldon: I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.
Leonard: Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister.
Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought.
Leonard: That’s great, but I….
Sheldon: What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
Leonard: Whatever. You have to do something about it.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because she’s your sister.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways.
Leonard: Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.
Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself.
Leonard: Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring.
Sheldon: You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me.
Scene: The living room. Raj and Howard are on the floor, fighting.
Raj: I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman!
Howard: I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.
Sheldon: Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Howard: Who are you to decide that?
Leonard: He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.
Sheldon: You’re out too, by the way.
Leonard: Say what?
Sheldon: It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.
Howard (to Raj, who is smiling): What are you so happy about?
Raj: I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)
Sheldon: Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.
Howard: Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?
Leonard: We all make mistakes, let’s move on.
Raj: Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here.
Sheldon: How so?
Raj: Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte.
Sheldon: In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.
Raj (waving finger at him): I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)
Howard: Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.
Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.
Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
Missy (who has just entered): Oh really?
Sheldon: Oops.
Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone?
Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   
Leonard (to Penny who is standing next to him grinning): We all make mistakes, let’s move on.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Missy: Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?
Sheldon: Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.
Missy: What on earth are you talking about?
Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
Missy: And what do you mean, mediocre stock?
Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will.
Missy: Sheldon 2.0?
Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.
Missy: You have got to be kidding me!
Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation.
Missy: Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people.
Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended.
Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)
Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal.
Missy: Go on.
Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins.
Scene: The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area.
Sheldon: Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard: Look, we have to settle this.
Leonard: I agree. Sheldon’s sister is hiding at Penny’s because we’ve all been hitting on her at the same time.
Raj: She’s not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who’s apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair.
Howard: Oh, you poor, deluded bastard.
Raj: Don’t start with me dude.
Howard: You want to go again? Let’s go.
Leonard: Sit down.
Howard: Okay.
Leonard: If we’re going to fight over Missy, let’s do it the right way. The honourable way.
(Time shift. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii.)
Leonard: And he’s down!
Howard: Come on, come on, get up.
Leonard: Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.
Sheldon: I weep for humanity.
Leonard: Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Leaves and knocks on Penny’s door.)
Penny (answering): Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hi Penny, how’s it going. Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Penny: Uh, pretty much, why?
Leonard: Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy please?
Penny: Of course.
Missy: Hi, Leonard, what’s up?
Leonard: Well, since you’re leaving tomorrow I was wondering if you’d like to go out to dinner with me?
Missy: That’s so sweet. But no thanks.
Leonard: Oh. You have other plans, or…?
Missy: No.
Leonard: Oh. Alright uh… enjoy the rest of your evening.
Missy: Thanks. See you.
Leonard (returning): Um, here’s something we didn’t anticipate.
(Time shift. Penny opens door to Howard.)
Penny: What do you want, Howard?
Howard: I’m fine, thanks for asking. I’ve come to call on Missy.
Penny: Missy?
Missy: Hi Howard.
Howard: The amazing Howard. Do you like magic?
Missy: Not really. No.
Howard: Then you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Taps against doorpost. While humming he tries to perform a trick, but the cane falls in half with a yellow handkerchief flying out. Howard has to retrieve the pieces.) Da-dah! (Emerges with the handkerchief, on which are written the words “will you go out with me?”)
Missy: No.
Howard: Okay. (Does something with hands, from which another yellow handkerchief emerges. This one reads “are you sure?” Missy closes the door.)
(Time shift. Penny opens the door to Raj.)
Penny: Missy?
Raj: Thank you. I apprec…. (looks panicked) apprec…. appreeee…. oh-oh.
Penny: Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off?  (Raj nods.)
Missy: Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you’d show up.
(Raj attempts to speak. All that emerges is a high pitched wail. After a few more attempts he turns and leaves down the stairs, still making the same sound.)
Missy: We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down.
Scene: The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending.
Missy: Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?
Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory.
Missy: Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey.
Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)
Missy: Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.
Sheldon: You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?
Missy: Well yeah.
Sheldon: I’m a theoretical physicist.
Missy: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: What’s the difference?
Missy: Goodbye Shelly.
Sheldon: My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Raj and Sheldon are arm wrestling while playing tetris. There is a cacophony of cries such as “take him down” and “he’s got you, Sheldon.”
Penny: Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
Leonard: Oh, it’s called trestling.
Howard: It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport.
Penny: Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…
Sheldon: We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.
Raj: Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate.
Penny: So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
Sheldon: He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant.
Penny: Okay, he can have carrot cake.
Sheldon: What about the cream cheese frosting.
Penny: he can scrape it off.
Leonard: Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum.
Penny: Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t think so.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: I don’t celebrate my birthday.
Penny: Shuddup, yeah you do.
Leonard: No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: Uh, that’s so silly.
Sheldon: It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?”
Sheldon: It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well I love birthdays, waking up to Mom’s special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Penny: Yeah, see, that’s what kids should have.
Howard: Actually that was last year.
Penny: So you’ve really never had a birthday party?
Leonard: No. But it was okay. I mean, when I was little I’d think maybe my parents would change their mind, and surprise me with a party, like this one birthday I came home from my Cello lesson, and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front, and when I got to the door I could hear people whispering, and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favourite.
Penny: And?
Leonard: Uh, it turns out my grandfather had died.  
Penny: Oh my God, that’s terrible.
Leonard: Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party. I got to see all my cousins and there was cake, so…7
Penny: That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
Howard: You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard is exiting the apartment.
Howard (voice from inside): Make sure they remember no peanuts.
Leonard: Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can’t eat peanuts. They see me coming they go “ah, no peanut boy!”
(Leonard exits down stairs. A moment later, Penny peeks out of her apartment, checks the coast is clear, and crosses the hall to the guys apartment. Knocks.)
Sheldon (answering): Hello Penny. Leonard just left.
Penny: I know. I want to talk to you.
Sheldon: What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat.
Penny: Okay, can you just let me in.
Sheldon: Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.
Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.
Sheldon: I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.
Howard: Did someone say party?
Penny: He just doesn’t know he wants one because he’s never had one.
Howard: I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny: Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Howard: Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?
Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.
Penny: Anguish?
Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.
Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity.
Penny: Nevertheless we are….
Sheldon: In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…
Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
Sheldon: You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon: Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.
Scene: Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny’s door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door.
Sheldon: That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)
Howard: What difference does it make?
Sheldon: The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators.
Penny: Is that Raj and Howard?
Sheldon: Possibly, but unverified.
Howard: Can you just let us in.
Sheldon: Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor.
Penny: So, what did you get the birthday boy?
Howard: Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross’s definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
Penny: Nice. I got him a sweater.
Howard: Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.
Sheldon: That’s because I didn’t bring one.
Penny: Well why not?
Howard: Don’t ask.
Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Howard: Too late.
Sheldon: Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?
Howard: Told you not to ask.
Penny: Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon: I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.
Howard: Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it.
Penny: It’s a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough.
Howard: He came with a manual.
Sheldon: Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers.
Penny: Okay, let’s do this, um, I will drive Sheldon to get a present, and Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard for about two hours.
Howard: No problem.
Penny: And then Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): What if guests show up?
Penny: Entertain them.
Howard: What if they’re women?
Penny: Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is playing an X-Box game.
Howard (entering): Hey!
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: How’s it going?
Leonard: Fine.
Howard: So, listen, the New Art is showing the revised definitive cut of Blade Runner.
Leonard: Seen it.
Howard: No, you’ve seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely changes the tone of the film.
Leonard: Oh. Pass.
Howard: Come on, afterwards there’s a Q & A with Harrison Ford’s body double.
Leonard: Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here, there’s this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7.
Howard: Can’t you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors.
Howard: Oh my God, do you smell gas.
Leonard: No.
Howard: Yeah, no.
Scene: An electrical store.
Penny: Alright, you know they have DVDs over there.
Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner.
Penny: Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.
Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater?
Penny: Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print.
Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun.
Penny: Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.
Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.
Penny: Exactly.
Sheldon: Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here you go, Copenhagen boy, how about a taste of Hans Christian Hand Grenade. (Raj enters carrying party supplies. Howard waves him away while in the background Leonard is heard saying “oh, that did not feel good.”) Come on, come on, oh you clever little…. Come on, come on, take that!
Howard (picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.): Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh!
Leonard: What’s the matter?
Howard: This granola bar, there’s peanuts in it.
Leonard: Oh my God, why did you eat it?
Howard: I don’t know, it was just there.
Leonard: Well if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself?
Howard: Don’t yell at me, I’ve got to go to the emergency room.
Leonard: Now?
Howard: No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket.
Leonard: Alright, um, just, uh, let me get my keys.
Howard: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh…. (into phone after Leonard leaves room) The laundry is out of the hamper. (Looks exasperated) Okay Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine, it’s out of the washer. I’ll call you when it’s in the dryer.
Leonard (running in): Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.)
Scene: The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers.
Sheldon: What do you think.
Penny (pointing randomly): Um, that one.
Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch
Penny: Oh, okay then this one.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy.
Sheldon: Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.
Penny: Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma?
Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike.
Penny: No?
Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike?
Penny: All of them.
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Huh?
Penny: Okay, so we’re getting this one?
Sheldon: Yeah, I suppose.
Penny: Okay, let’s go.
Random woman: Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
Sheldon: I know everything about this stuff.
Woman: Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Penny: Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.
Woman: Thank you.
Random guy: Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB?
Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have.
Guy: I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Sheldon: Oh, dear lord.
Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon: Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?
Scene: The hospital. Howard runs in and up to the counter.
Howard: Excuse me.
Nurse: Fill this out, have a seat.
Howard: No, listen, see we’re throwing my friend a surprise party and I’m supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
Nurse: Uh-huh, fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: No, see, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I’m allergic to peanuts.
Nurse: Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and they you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half.
Nurse: Is that all you need?
Howard: Yes.
Nurse: Get out of my ER.
Howard: No, you don’t understand.
Nurse: Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.
Howard: Okay, I get it, I know how the world works, how about if I were to introduce you (holding up a five dollar bill) to the man who freed your people.
Nurse, unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers you are wasting your time.
Leonard (running in): Hey, sorry I couldn’t find a parking spot, how are you doing.
Howard: Bad, very bad.
Leonard: Really, ‘cos you don’t look like you’re swelling up at all, maybe we should just pick up some benedryl at the drug store and go home.
Howard: We can’t go home.
Leonard: Why not?
Howard: Becauth (pretends tongue has swollen up) Becauth-th-th. Brissket, Brissket! Water, need water.
Leonard: Alright, I’ll be right back.
Howard (into phone): Penny, look, I’ve got a problem.
Penny (with Sheldon in background at the head of a large queue of customers): Yeah, well so do I, look you’ve got to stall Leonard a little longer.
Howard: I don’t think I can.
Penny: You have to, we all have to be there at the same time to yell “surprise!”
Howard: Okay, you have to understand something, we’re in a hospital right now.
Penny: Why, is Leonard okay.
Howard: Leonard’s fine. I’m fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny: Okay, I don’t need your attitude, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard: Look, I’ve done my best but he wants to go home and I don’t know how to stop him.
Penny: Okay, how about this. You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party I’ll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: Don’t toy with me, woman.
Penny: I’ve got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I’ve got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who’s two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I’m doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)
Scene: The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer.
Sheldon: Okay, we don’t have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.
Penny (with shop assistant, points at Sheldon): Him.
Assistant: Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here.
Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security.
Sheldon (to customer): Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system.
Penny: Keep walking.
Sheldon: Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password.
Scene: The hospital.
Leonard: Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
Nurse: No he’s not.
Leonard: Yes he is.
Nurse: Look, sir we are very busy here and I just don’t… (sees Leonard whose face has swollen all over) holy crap!
Howard: Pees hep me!
Nurse: Code 4, I need a gurney, right away, right away.
Howard: Fank-u.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they’re afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything.
Howard: I really don’t think the colonoscopy was necessary.
Leonard: You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party.
Howard: Oh, right, it’s your birthday, I had no idea it was your birthday, I completely forgot, wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday, well it’s all over now.
Leonard: There is a party, isn’t there.
Howard: Maybe.
Leonard: Howard.
Howard: Are you mad?
Leonard: how could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you cared about me.
Howard: Yeah, that’s why I did it.
Leonard: Alright. Here we go. My first birthday party.
(Opens door. Raj is drunkenly singing True Colors very badly into a microphone with his shirt off and a bandana round his head while waving a beer bottle. Penny and Sheldon are asleep on the couch and armchair respectively.)
Raj: Dude! Everybody left an hour ago! Surprise!
Time shift. View of a mobile phone video screen. Raj has a woman sitting on his shoulders.
Raj: Okay Leonard, here I am at your birthday party, I don’t know where you are dude, but it’s really kick-ass. Everyone is very very drunk, and uh… (girl pours booze into his mouth) Oh look, there’s a girl taking her shirt off.
Penny: That’s my friend Carol. Remind me, I’ve got to introduce her to Howard.
Raj: Oh sweet Krishna, shake it, that-a rupee maker.
Penny: I’m so sorry you didn’t get your party.
Leonard: Oh, it’s okay.
Penny: Happy birthday anyways. (She kisses him full on the lips.)
Leonard: Hey Penny, when, uh, when’s your birthday?
Scene: The apartment living room
Sheldon: Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.
Howard: No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)
Sheldon: Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.)
Howard: What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.)
Sheldon: That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.
Howard: Well it’s not.
Sheldon: How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter.
Howard: You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
Leonard (entering): Hey!
Sheldon: Mai du lui tsa.
Howard: You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey.
Sheldon: My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher.
Leonard: Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I’d be more concerned by what they’re passing off as chicken.
Penny (storming in): I need to use your window.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no, sure, go ahead.
Penny (opening window): Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod! (Throws it out.)
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)
Sheldon: Okay, where were we?
Howard: Not now, I have a blog to find.
(Credits sequence)
Scene: Leonard approaches Penny’s door and knocks.
Leonard: Penny, are you okay?
Penny (voice off): I’m fine, Leonard, just go away.
Leonard: Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful….
Penny: GO AWAY!
Leonard: Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn’t want to talk.
Sheldon: Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk.
Raj (entering): Hey, look, I found an iPod.
Howard: It’s smashed beyond repair, what are you going to do with it?
Raj: What else? Sell it on ebay as slightly used.
Leonard: It was Penny’s boyfriend’s, they broke up.
Howard: Apparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere.
Leonard: You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again.
Howard: Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel.
Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Howard.
Sheldon: I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.
Leonard: What about “damsel in distress?”
Sheldon: Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You’d also have to be knighted for that to apply.
Leonard: I don’t care. She’s upset, I’m going over there.
Howard: Remember to sit on your hands a bit so they’re warm.
Leonard: I’m her friend, I’m not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
Howard: What, so you’re saying that if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her, right there, right now, you’ll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I’m her friend. Not her gay friend.
Scene: Penny’s flat. Penny is eating ice cream from the tub.
Leonard (knocking and entering): Hey, listen, I know you said that you didn’t want to talk…
Penny: I don’t.
Leonard (leaving): Sorry.
Penny: Wait.
Leonard: Wait, did you say wait?
Penny: Tell me the truth. Am I just an idiot who picks giant losers?
Leonard: No. No.
Penny: Okay, so I pick good guys, but turn them into losers.
Leonard: Of course not.
Penny: Well, it’s got to be one or the other, which is it?
Leonard: I’m sorry, what were the choices again?
Penny: I really thought Mike was different, I thought he was sensitive and smart. I mean, not you smart, normal non-freaky smart.
Leonard: Yeah, no, sure.
Penny: You know, and then he just goes and has to humiliate me by writing about me on his blog so the entire world can read it.
Leonard: Actually it’s not all that easy to find.
Penny: Yeah, really, well my friends at work found it, my sister found it, judging by my email a number of prisoners at the Michigan State Penitentiary found it.
Leonard: Okay, well, what exactly did this guy write, not that I need to know the details of your sex life, I just thought…. never mind.
Penny: Nope, you know what, you might as well read it, everybody else has, go ahead. Oh God, I just feel so betrayed and embarrassed. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Leonard: Okay, well, you know, this isn’t that bad. It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who’s open to expressing her affection in non traditional locales.
Penny: Oh God!
Leonard: Elevators, parks, movie theatres, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or subway the sandwich shop?
Penny: Sandwich shop.
Leonard: Doesn’t that violate the health code?
Penny: No, at the sub shop we were only making out.
Leonard: Huh. Okay. But my point is that you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed.
Penny: Really, do you think I overreacted?
Leonard: Maybe a little.
Penny: ‘Cause I do that, I do overreact. Maybe I should call Mike and apologise.
Leonard: No. No, no, that, that would be underreacting. He did break the implied confidentiality of the bedroom and, in your case, the elevator, parks and fast food franchise.
Penny: Yes. You’re right. I should just say I’m done with him.
Leonard: Yes, you should, go ahead, say it.
Penny: But I never gave the man a chance to explain.
Leonard: What is there to explain, it’s all right here, it’s a betrayal.
Penny: No, you were right the first time, this is a man who loves me, but in his own stupid way he was just trying to show people how he feels.
Leonard: I’m pretty sure I never said that.
Penny: No, you did better than that, you helped me see it on my own.
Leonard: Aw, good for me. Where are you going?
Penny: I’m going over to Mike’s. Leonard, thank you so much.
Leonard: Oh, sure. Huh, maybe I am her gay friend.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game and eating Chinese food.
Sheldon: Howard, I’m going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn’t make my point with those people.
Howard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I’m not getting tangerine chicken.
Leonard: Can we please change the subject.
Raj: Sure. Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend.
Leonard: Just roll the dice.
Raj (rolls and moves): Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6…7
Leonard: She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!
Howard: Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.
Sheldon: Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying.
Leonard: Just eat your tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I’d love to, but I don’t have tangerine chicken.
Penny (storming in): Thank you so much for your stupid advice. (Slams door again.)
Raj: Incredible. You managed to screw up the screw-up.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard (knocking and entering): I’m back.
Penny: I’m sorry I yelled at you. It’s not your fault.
Leonard: What happened?
Penny: Well, I went over to Mike’s to make up with him.
Leonard: Yeah, I know, I know that part.
Penny: But he had already moved on.
Leonard: Already, that was quick.
Penny: That’s what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
Penny: How could he do that.
Leonard: Oh, well, you know, you did throw an 8 gig iPod… yeah, no, how could he do that.
Penny: I swear to God, I am done with guys like that. You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair, and the money.
Leonard: Yeah, that must get old quick.
Penny: You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice, and honest, and who actually cares about me.
Leonard: What about me?
Penny: What about you what?
Leonard: What about if you went out with me?
Penny: Are you asking me out?
Leonard: Um… yes… I am… asking you out.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard: I was just going off your comment about the nice guy…
Penny: No, I know, I got that. Yeah, totally.
Leonard (continuing through Penny): …thing and honest but, it’s no big deal…
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: Yes what?
Penny: Yes, I will go out with you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Why not, I mean, what do I have to lose?
Leonard: Yeah. That’s the spirit.
Scene: The lobby. Sheldon is listening to an iPod.
Sheldon: Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your…
Penny (tapping him on the shoulder): Sheldon.
Sheldon (jumping in panic): Aieee ya! Xia si wo le.
Penny: I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second.
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?
Penny: I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard.
Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny: Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.
Sheldon: Yes, I suppose he is.
Penny: All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)
Penny: Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment.
Sheldon: We’re not done?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway.
Penny: Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out.
Sheldon: Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.
Penny: Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down?
Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit.
Penny: Well, choose.
Sheldon: There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.
Penny: Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time.
Sheldon: No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.
Penny: Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me…
Sheldon: A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.
Penny: Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are…
Sheldon: Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…
Penny: Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon: Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees?
Penny: No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.
Sheldon: The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare!
Penny: But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years.
Sheldon: I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time.
Penny: Thank you for the clarification.
Sheldon: Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.
Penny: Right, thanks.
Sheldon: It’s a common mistake.
Penny: Not the first one I’ve made today.
Sheldon: Okay. I think this will be my seat.
Penny: Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about.
Sheldon: Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat.
Penny: Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A?
Sheldon: No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…
Penny: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.
Penny: I’m sorry, I don’t get the point.
Sheldon: Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.
Penny: Sheldon, what’s the point?
Sheldon: Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is.
Penny: Okay, so you’re saying I should go out with Leonard.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger…
Scene: The University cafeteria.
Leonard (pointing): Two seats right there.
Sheldon (to two oriental-looking people occupying the other seats): Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you)
Leonard: Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake.
Sheldon: I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.
Leonard: No, it’s about Penny.
Sheldon: A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down.
Leonard: I don’t think I can go out with her tonight.
Sheldon: Then don’t.
Leonard: Other people would say “why not?”
Sheldon: Other people might be interested.
Leonard: I’m going to talk anyway.
Sheldon: I assumed you would.
Leonard: Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous.
Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon: You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on.
Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it.
Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind.
Leonard: You’re not helping.
Sheldon: Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard: Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
Sheldon: Schrodinger’s Cat.
Leonard: Wow, that’s brilliant.
Sheldon: You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.)
Scene: Leonard approaches Penny’s door. He is wearing a suit. He knocks. Penny answers.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: come on in.
Leonard: Thank you. You look very nice.
Penny: Thank you. So do you.
Leonard: I made an eight o’clock reservation.
Penny: Okay, great, listen, um, maybe we should talk first.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. But before you say anything, have you ever heard of Schrodinger’s Cat?
Penny: Actually, I’ve heard far too much about Schrodinger’s Cat.
Leonard: Good. (He grabs her and kisses her.)
Penny: Alright, the cat’s alive, let’s go to dinner.
Scene: The Szechuan Palace.
Sheldon (in Mandarin): Show me your mucus! Your mucus!
Owner (in Mandarin): Blow your own nose and go away.
Sheldon (in Mandarin): This is not a tangerine bicycle.
Owner (in English): Crazy man. Call the police.
Sheldon (in Mandarin): No. Don’t call the library. Show me your mucus. (Leonard and Penny are seen entering, and then leaving again quickly.) Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen! Oy Vey!
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: So you see, what you’re eating is not technically yoghurt, because it doesn’t have enough live acidophilus cultures. It’s really just iced milk with carragenin added for thickness.
Penny: Oh, that’s very interesting.
Leonard: It’s also not pink and has no berries.
Penny: Yeah, but it doesn’t really answer my question.
Leonard: What was your question again?
Penny: Do you want some.
Leonard: Oh, right, no, I’m lactose intolerant.
Penny: Right.
Leonard: So, gas.
Penny: Got it.
Leonard: Well, good night. (They kiss. Camera cuts away to a wall mounted security cam above the lift. Leonard spots its movement and shuffles Penny away.)
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn’t feel a draft.
Leonard: Why don’t we just go into your….
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard: No, no, I didn’t mean to go into your apartment to… go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I… I know what you meant, it’s just… it’s only our first date.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don’t we just figure out where we’re going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight Leonard.
Leonard: Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.)
Cut to inside the apartment.
Raj: He’s coming. Screen saver.
Howard: Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?
Leonard: Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
Howard: You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard: What are you talking about, the date went fine.
Raj: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard: Okay, so, she said she wants to slow things down. It’s like saying “I’m really enjoying this meal, I’m going to slow down and savour it.”
Howard: No, it’s like “this fish tastes bad, so I’m going to slow down and spit it out.”
Raj: You being the fish.
Leonard: I’m not the fish.
Howard: Oh really, did you make a second date.
Leonard: Well, we sort of decided to wing it.
Sheldon: Oh, even I know that’s lame.
Leonard: Okay, alright, let’s assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed, where could I have possibly gone wrong.
 Howard: Think back, Leonard, the littlest things can set women off. Like, hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us. Or, how much does your mom weigh, I want to know what I’m getting into.
Leonard: I didn’t say anything like that.
Howard: Good, ‘cos they don’t work.
Raj: They also don’t care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that’s my home run swing.
Leonard: Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.
Howard: Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Raj: Nice close up, by the way.
Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard: That’s not a bad sign.
Sheldon: Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Raj: And the worst sign of all is, you’re here and not there.
Leonard: I’m not there because I’m taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys approaches warp speed. And take down that camera.
Raj: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard: Give him time.
Credits sequence
Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts.
Penny (entering): Hi.
Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates.
Penny (tipping all her laundry into one machine at once): Thanks.
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?
Penny: Sheldon, may I ask you a question?
Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.
Sheldon: Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac?
Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me.
Sheldon: That depends.
Penny: On what?
Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?
Penny: Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser.
Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither.
Penny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.
Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: I.e, I couldn’t become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.
Leonard: You could be Batman?
Sheldon: Sure. (In a gravelly voice) I’m Batman. See.
Penny (arriving): Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon (looking the other way uncomfortably): Hi Penny.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, if you’re not doing anything Friday night I thought maybe we could go and see a movie.
Penny: Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday.
Leonard: What about Saturday?
Penny: You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.
Leonard: Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?
Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.)
Leonard (chasing him): What does that mean?
Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.
Leonard: No I didn’t.
Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.
Leonard: What’s going on with you?
Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.)
Leonard: What’s wrong with your face?
Sheldon: There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said Good Day! (He leaves)
Leonard: Good day?
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Also today we have a fresh caught Alaska salmon, and that’s served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice. Our soup of the day…
Sheldon (appearing behind her): You must release me from my oath.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m working.
Sheldon: Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.
Penny: Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon: I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me.
Penny: Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?
Sheldon: Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.
Penny: Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you’re just going to have to figure out a way to do it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (entering): Leonard, I’m moving out.
Leonard: What do you mean, you’re moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn’t have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kind of does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out.
Leonard: I’m still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t see how I could have made it any simpler.
Howard (entering): Hey, qu’est q’wass up?
Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.
Howard: And some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon: If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pack.
Howard: That’s kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard: It’s not you, Howard, he says he’s moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a band aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup, forget to rinse the sink, talk to him through the bathroom door?
Raj: Adjust the thermostat, cook with cilantro, pronounce the T in often?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard: I didn’t do anything, he’s just gone insane.
Raj: Well, we all knew this day was coming.
Leonard: That was fast.
Sheldon: It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor.
Leonard: Where are you gonna live?
Sheldon: Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.
Howard: Bye (runs out.)
Raj: Well you can’t stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder?
Raj: I hate trains.
Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous, you love trains.
Raj: Yes I do, come on. See you later Leonard. (Sheldon drops keys in bowl and leaves without a word.)
Leonard: This could work.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Sheldon: This is a very old building.
Raj: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Raj: Not until now.
Sheldon: I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it.
Raj: Well, if you’re not comfortable staying here, Sheldon…
Sheldon: I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo.
Raj: Terrific.
Sheldon (referring to Bollywood singing on television): Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Raj: Yes, isn’t she an amazing actress.
Sheldon: Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit.
Raj: How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.
Sheldon: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. Obviously you’re not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Scene: Howard’s house. The door rings.
Howard: Who is it?
Voice: Strippergram. (Howard opens door. Outside are Raj and Sheldon.)
Raj: Tag. You’re it. (Runs away.)
Howard: Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is in bed, Sheldon is on a blow up mattress on the floor.
Sheldon: I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever.
Howard: Maybe you’d be happier on a park bench?
Sheldon: I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here.
Howard: Do you want to switch?
Sheldon: No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
Howard: Get out of bed, we’re switching.
Sheldon: Now, only if you want to.
Howard: Just get in the bed!
Howard’s mother (off): What’s going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
Howard: We’re just talking ma.
Howard’s mother: If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers.
Howard: For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?
Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving.
Howard: So don’t look at it.
Sheldon: She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.
Howard: No kidding?
Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.
Howard: What about Lee Meriwether?
Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.
Howard: Well I’m glad that’s settled.
Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…
Howard: Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon: I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.
Howard: Oh for God’s sake.
Sheldon: But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. There is an urgent rapping at the door.
Leonard: I’m coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.)
Sheldon: Hey, there he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud.
Leonard: What’s with him?
Howard: Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.
Sheldon: I’m ba-ack!
Leonard: I still don’t know why you left.
Sheldon: I can’t tell you.
Leonard: Why not.
Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon: That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!
Leonard: What secret. Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I’m Batman. Shhhhh!
Leonard: Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.
Sheldon: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard.
Leonard: I promise.
Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard: So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem?
Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard: Penny thinks I’m too smart for her, that’s ridiculous.
Sheldon: I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don’t worry, that’s not a secret. Everybody knows.
Scene: The hallway. Leonard is outside Penny’s door.
Penny (opening door): Hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what’s been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about.
Leonard: First I want to say that it’s not Sheldon’s fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn’t drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard: Yes, but it’s okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there’s a simple solution. (Hands her a brochure.)
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here’s playing hacky sack, and this girl’s going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can’t date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard: Well, it’s really not that fancy, it’s just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard: That doesn’t matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it’s fine with you if I’m not smart.
Leonard: Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me!
Scene: The building entrance lobby. The guys enter. Sheldon is dressed as a medieval monk, Howard is a court jester, Raj is a medieval gentleman and Leonard is a knight.
Sheldon: Worst Renaissance Fair ever.
Leonard: Please let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.
Leonard: You’re nitpicking.
Sheldon: Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.
Howard: Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”
Howard: I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.
Penny (arriving with a man in tow): Hi guys. Looks like you’ve been to the Renaissance fair. I’m hoping.
Sheldon: Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.
Penny: Okay, fine, whatever, um, you guys, this is my friend Eric.
Howard: Hello.
Leonard: Hi.
Eric: Hey.
Leonard: So, yeah, good to see you.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, it’s good to see you too. We should really go.
Eric: Yeah.
Penny(leaving): Bye guys.
Eric (leaving, to Howard): Like your hat.
Howard: Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward.
Leonard: It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.
Raj: By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?
Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.
Leonard: Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.
Sheldon: You’re wearing modern underwear?
Leonard: Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?
Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard: You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon: Don’t be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases.
Leonard: Borrowed?
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: You know what, I’m happy that Penny’s moving on. It gives me the freedom to move on myself.
Howard: Are you saying that you’ve been holding back?
Leonard: Of course. Out of respect.
Howard: So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny?
Raj: Who were you respecting then?
Leonard: What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.
Leonard: Uh, what about that girl last year at Comic-con?
Raj: Doesn’t count.
Leonard: Why not?
Raj: What happens in costume at Comic-con, stays at Comic-con.
Howard: You’re only saying that because of what happened to you.
Leonard: What happened to you?
Raj: N-n-n-nothing happened to me.
Howard: It wasn’t your fault, Raj, he was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.
Raj: H-h-h-how did we get on me, we were mocking Leonard for not moving on. Dude, you have totally not moved on.
Leonard: Yes I have, it’s just a matter of actually making a date with someone.
Howard: Like who?
Leonard: Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.
Raj: What about Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon: Oh no.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me.
Raj: I think she’s smoking hot.
Howard: I’d hit that.
Sheldon: You’d hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. Mud.
Leonard: Look, I like Leslie, but she’s not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
Howard: Yeah, so, be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound stress release.
Raj: Technically it would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy.
Howard: You mean like you and Richard the slave girl?
Raj: I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.
Leslie (arriving): Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, Leslie.
Leslie: Hey, dummy.
Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
Leslie: Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.
Leonard: Uh, sure.
Sheldon: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.
Leslie: Wow. So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Leonard: Where did you hear that?
Leslie: Actually I read it. Wolowitz texted me. (Shows him text.)
Leonard: Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep.
Leslie: I thought it was a pretty good one, I gave him an L-O-L. Anyway, it got me thinking, now that you’re unattached maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
Leonard: Are you suggesting another bout of stress release.
Leslie: No, I’m all done with casual sex. From now on I’m fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
Leonard: Really, what changed?
Leslie: It’s hard to say, I guess there’s just a time in every woman’s life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn’t know.
Leonard: Yeah, I can see how that would… a bunch of people?
Leslie: Anyway, I just figure it’s time to slow things down and who better to slow things down with than you?
Leonard: Oh, I’m flattered. So, how do you suggest we proceed?
Leslie: Your place, we’ll order Chinese, you’ll rent a movie, artsy but accessible, then light petting, no coitus.
Leonard: Sounds fun.
Leslie: I’ll leave the details up to you, I think it’s better if you assume the male role.
Leonard: Thank you, that’s very thoughtful.
Leslie: Great. Call me.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed smartly and placing wine on the table. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.
Leonard: Terrific.
Sheldon: You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.
Leonard: I kind of have other plans tonight.
Sheldon: But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.
Leonard: Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over.
Sheldon: Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over.
Sheldon: Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.
Leonard: Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking…
Leonard: Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?
Leonard: You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy?
Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.
Leonard: I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.
Sheldon: Well alright then.
Scene: The entrance lobby. Sheldon is sitting on the bottom step using his laptop. Penny comes down the stairs.
Penny: Sheldon? What are you doing?
Sheldon: Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.
Penny: Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs?
Sheldon: I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.
Penny: Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something?
Sheldon: Alone?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.
Penny: Well then don’t order popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.
Penny: Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop.
Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.
Penny: They have other things.
Sheldon: What do they have?
Penny: I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries…
Sheldon: Pastries such as bearclaws?
Penny: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: I don’t like bearclaws.
Leslie (entering): Heya Penny. Dumbass.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
Penny: Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists.
Sheldon: Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.
Penny: Okay, well I have a date too, so see ya.
Sheldon: Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.
Scene: The apartment.
Leslie: This is pretty good Orange Chicken.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s from Changs.
Leslie: Not Chows?
Leonard: No, Changs.
Leslie: What happened to Chows?
Leonard: It changed.
Leslie: Oh. So, how many children do you think we should have? (Leonard splutters and coughs) I’m sorry, that was a little abrupt.
Leonard: A little.
Leslie: I mean there are so many things to talk about before we discuss reproduction.
Leonard: I sure hope so.
Leslie: Besides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family?
Sheldon (entering): I’m sorry to interrupt, batteries dying continue.
Leslie: Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there’s the lactose intolerance.
Sheldon (preparing an extension cord): Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)
Leonard: Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So… Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?
Sheldon: I have to make pee-pee.
Time shift to later.
Leonard: Listen, I’m sorry about all of Sheldon’s interruptions, he can be a bit of an eccentric.
Leslie: If by eccentric you mean passive-aggressive East Texas blowhole, I agree.
Leonard: Well, I think tonight was a very good start.
Leslie: Me too. You’re sure you’re okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?
Leonard: No problem, I’m very skilled at postponing intercourse. So I guess I’ll call you and we’ll arrange another evening.
Leslie: Yes. I believe protocol dictates that you wait a minimum of 18 hours before you call so I’m not repulsed by your cloying eagerness.
Leonard: Sure.
Leslie: Again, it’s your decision, you’re the man.
Penny (voice off, ascending the stairs): No, it wasn’t my cat, it was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
Eric (appearing round corner with Penny): From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
Penny: No, he was some kind of scientist, let me start again. Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hello.
Penny: Leslie.
Leslie: Hi.
(Penny turns and crosses hall.)
Leonard: Okay, well, goodnight. (Leans in to kiss Leslie.)
Penny: Okay, well, goodnight. (Grabs Eric and kisses him more passionately.)
Leslie (whispering): That ain’t going to make your point. (Grabs him and tries to out-passion Penny. The two couples get more passionate trying to outdo each other until Leonard grabs Leslie’s ass.) Okay, that’s enough. (Sweetly) Call me (exits.)
Leonard: Right (goes back inside flat. Closes door.)
Penny (breaking off kiss): Okay, goodnight.
Eric: What?
Penny: Had a great time, ciao (closes door.)
Scene: The university lunch room.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon: I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Raj: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.
Sheldon: You mean like Spock?
Raj: Sure.
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Leslie (arriving): Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon.
Leonard: Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.
Howard: Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)
Sheldon: If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
Leonard: Don’t make this hard for me.
Sheldon: It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.
Leonard: You’re right, it is simple. (Sits with Leslie.)
Scene: The stairs. Sheldon is playing on his computer at the end of the long extension cord.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something.
Sheldon: Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?
Penny: Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon: Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?
Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?
Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.
Penny: Your arch enemy?
Sheldon: Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.
Sheldon: Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.
Penny: Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: She called me dumbass.
Penny: I know. I heard.
Sheldon: Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.
Penny: Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.
Sheldon: No, that response is unacceptable to me.
Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know…
Sheldon: Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.
Penny: Are you going to let me talk?
Sheldon: I’m sorry.
Penny: You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.
Penny: Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.
Sheldon: Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
Penny: Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon: Oh now you’re just making stuff up.
Penny: Okay. Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard and Leslie are kissing.
Sheldon (entering): When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I’d like to have a word.
Leonard: If the word is pee-pee, just do it.
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.
Leslie: Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
Sheldon: I’m listening, amuse me.
Leslie: Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colours.
Sheldon: Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Leslie: Are you going to let him talk to me like that?
Leonard: Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories.
Leslie: No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)
Leonard: Sheldon, don’t make that noise, it’s disrespectful.
Sheldon: I hope so, it was a snort of derision.
Leslie: You agree with me, right, loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
Leonard: Sorry Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy not loopy.
Leslie: Well, I’m glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
Leonard: Truth, what truth? We’re talking about untested hypotheses, uh, it’s no big deal.
Leslie: Oh, it isn’t, really? Tell me Leonard, how would we raise the children?
Leonard: I guess we let them wait until they’re old enough and let them choose their own theory.
Leslie: We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.)
Leonard: Wait, where are you going?
Leslie: I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)
Sheldon: Look on the bright side.
Leonard: What’s the bright side?
Sheldon: Only nine more months to comic-con.
Leonard: Oh yeah.
Scene: The Renaissance Fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon is Spock and has a tri-corder.
Sheldon: Captain, I’m getting an unusual reading.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s great, you guys want corn dogs?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset.
Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny: Yes, I can’t get my stupid door open.
Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?
Penny: Yeah!
Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.)
Penny: Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.
Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny: I can’t get the damned key out.
Sheldon: Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.
Penny: Thankyou, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny: Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….
Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.
Penny (picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again): Oh, sonofabitch!
Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
Penny: I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here.
Sheldon: And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny: No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.)
Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny: No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.
Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.)
Penny: For God’s sake! (Stomps into apartment.)
Sheldon: Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Inside the apartment.
Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.
Penny: Sheldor?
Sheldon: The Conqueror.
Penny: What are you doing?
Sheldon: AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.
Penny: What’s AFK?
Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny: OIC.
Sheldon: What does that stand for?
Penny: Oh, I see?
Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?
Scene: The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her.
Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.
Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Can I see them in another colour?
Sheldon: Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: Leonard, guess what, I’m a level three warrior.
Leonard: Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny: Yeah yeah yeah, shhh!
Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.
Penny: Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.
Penny: Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?
Sheldon: You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.
Leonard: Want to catch me up?
Sheldon: Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?
Penny: Oh my God, a treasure chest, I’m rich!
Sheldon: Level three and she thinks she’s rich! What a noob.
Scene: The apartment. Raj is pouring a white liquid into the main dish of a stereo speaker covered in cling film.
Raj: Okay, we’re all set.
Howard: Let her rip.
(Leonard turns on stereo with a remote. Rhythmic bass-heavy music plays. The liquid begins dancing on the speaker.)
Penny (entering, carrying a laptop): Hi!
Leonard: Hey, check it out, it’s just corn starch and water.
Sheldon: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard: That’s what makes it get all funky.
Penny: Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain.
Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword?
Penny: No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger.
Sheldon: You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.
Penny: Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?
Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?
Penny: Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?
Sheldon: No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)
Penny: Thank you, I really appreciate this.
Sheldon: You’re going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.
Penny: Don’t patronise me, just get the sword.
Howard: What the frak?
Leonard: Beats me. They were playing all last night too.
Raj: It’s like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?
Leonard: No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic.
Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.
Penny: Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).
Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters.
Penny (whispering): Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don.
Sheldon: Danger, danger.
Penny: No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?
Sheldon: You’re in my bedroom.
Penny: Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon: People can’t be in my bedroom.
Penny: Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon: I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, wear different pyjamas.
Sheldon: I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.
Penny: Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?
Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I’m just not sure it’s the right move for my character.
Sheldon: Of course it’s not, you’re only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.
Penny: Really? Boy, you’d think you could trust a horde of Hungarian barbarians.
Cut to Leonard, exiting his bedroom.
Sheldon (off): Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep.
Penny (off): Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don’t got in Sheldon’s room, he’s not wearing bottoms.
Leonard (knocking on door): Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
Scene: Dr Gablehauser’s office. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk.
Gablehauser: People, I am very busy today.
Sheldon: I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.
Gablehauser: Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time?
Leslie: Dr Dumbass.
Gablehauser: Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises.
Sheldon: No she doesn’t.
Leslie: No I don’t.
Sheldon: Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.
Leslie: It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.
Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!
Gablehauser: You need to get that Dr Cooper?
Sheldon: God, no.
Leslie: Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.
Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…
Gablehauser (as phone rings): Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon) It’s for you.
Sheldon: Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I?
Leslie: Dumbass.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.
Leonard: Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.
Leonard: Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone.
Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Sheldon: I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard: You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I’ll go talk to her.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. She is on her laptop and talking into a headset.
Penny: No, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I don’t know German. Flankenzie, flankenzie!
Leonard (knocking and entering): Hey Penny.
Penny: Busy.
Leonard: Yeah, I see that. Shouldn’t you be at work?
Penny: I don’t work on Mondays.
Leonard: It’s Thursday. Listen, Penny.
Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard: Okay, um, here’s the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny: Yeah, get to the point, I’m about to level up here.
Leonard: Well, i-i-i-it’s just if a person doesn’t have a sense of achievement in their real life it’s easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope’s back online.
Leonard: Penny, you’ve got cheetos in your hair.
Penny (pulling cheeto out of hair): Oh, thanks. (Eats it.)
Leonard: Wow.
Scene: Same – later. Penny is attacking a multi-headed monster with a sword on the screen.A muscular warrior in a cape walks onto the screen.
Warrior: Hey Penny, it’s me again, Leonard.
Penny- warrior: Leonard, I said not now.
Leonard-warrior: Yeah, I know, I’m just a little concerned about you.
Penny-warrior: I said not now. (Chops off his head.)
Leonard-warrior’s head: Okay, maybe later.
Scene: The university lunch room.
Raj: Hey guys.
Leonard and Howard: Hey.
Raj (indicating Sheldon): Hey, what’s with him?
Leonard: Penny’s been keeping him up at night.
Howard: Me too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard: She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop.
Raj: Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.
Leonard: Sheldon, wake up.
Sheldon: Danger, danger.
Leslie (arriving): Afternoon men. Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.
Leslie: Right, I heard you’ve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.
Sheldon: She comes into my room. No-one’s supposed to be in my room.
Leslie: Well, I would postulate that she’s escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration.
Howard: I do that too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard: That’s not what she’s doing, Leslie, she’s just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with sex.
Leslie: Everything has to do with sex.
Howard: Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.)
Leslie: I’m not touching that.
Leonard: Leslie, you are way off base here.
Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
Leslie: Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
Sheldon: Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
Howard: I’ll take the bullet.
Leonard: Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
Man: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to be?
Man: Uh, sure, why not?
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?
Man: Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)
Sheldon: There, problem solved.
Leslie: Dumbass.
Scene: Penny’s flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa.
Penny: Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in.
Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.
Penny: Got it.
Sheldon: I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?
Penny: 22.
Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)
Penny: Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?
Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group?
Penny: I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies.
Sheldon: Frenzy stance.
Penny: Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!
Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.
Penny: Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die!
Sheldon: Drink a healing potion.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
Penny: That’s on the registration?
Sheldon: Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.
Penny: Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five.
Sheldon: Good to know. Big old five.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters. There is a strange man sitting on the sofa.
Leonard: Hello.
Man: Hi.
Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.
Leonard: Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?
Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.
Leonard: Chosen by science?
Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.
Leonard: You got Penny to sign up for online dating?
Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.
Leonard: This is bad.
Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.
Leonard: Really, really bad.
Sheldon: I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.
Penny (entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed): Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.
Tom: Hi Penny.
Penny: Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.
Sheldon: Can we talk about this later.
Penny: No, no, no, no, I need you now.
Sheldon: But wouldn’t you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.
Penny: Whatever, I’ll figure it out myself.
Tom: Bye, Penny. I’m sorry, dude, she didn’t look anything like her picture.
Leonard: They never do.
Scene: Inside the game. Penny-warrior is standing next to a battle horse.
Warrior: Hello, fair Penny.
Penny-warrior: Who are you?
Warrior: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny-warrior: Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny: Oh my God, I need help. (Closes laptop and throws it away.)
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is sorting out Chinese food.
Leonard: Let’s see, Raj was the Kung Palo Chicken.
Penny: I’m the dumplings.
Howard: Yes, you are.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Howard: Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard: Who was the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce?
Howard: That would be me. Come to Poppa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I’m not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny: Sit over there.
Sheldon (entering, to Penny who is in his spot): Sit over there. Baby wipe?
Penny: What do you have….
Leonard and Howard together: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!
Sheldon: I’ll tell you why.
Leonard and Howard: O-o-o-oh!
Sheldon: I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.
Penny: I thought the blowers were more sanitary?
Leonard and Howard: Why? Don’t!
Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Raj (entering excitedly): Hey guys, I just got the most amazing new… (spots Penny) ew-ew-ew
Penny: Gosh, Raj, do you think you’ll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Shakes head.) Okay, well, I’ll just, um, go eat by myself.
Leonard: Penny, you don’t have to do that.
Penny: No, it’s okay, between (indicates Raj) him not talking, (indicates Sheldon) him talking and… (indicates Howard) him, I’m better off alone, so, (to Raj) goodbye you poor strange little man (gives him a kiss and exits.)
Raj: She’s so considerate.
Howard: So what’s your news?
Raj: Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
Leonard: Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen.
Raj: Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.
Leonard and Howard together: Well, wow, that’s incredible.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj: Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.
Sheldon: If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.
Raj: It’s pretty cool, they’ve got me in with a guy who’s doing something about hunger in Indonesia, and a psychotherapist who’s using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Howard: Oh, I’d so do her.
Leonard: You’d do the dolphins.
Howard: Do I get an honourable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used.
Raj: Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard: Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.
Raj: It’s a lease.
Sheldon: I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
Raj: Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me.
Sheldon: What people?
Raj: The people from People.
Sheldon: Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?
Raj: Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.
Leonard: Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon: In general, yes.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making annotations on his board.
Sheldon: Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens?
Leonard (entering with Howard): Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon: Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard: Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.
Leonard: Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon: Apologise, for what?
Leonard: Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive.
Sheldon: I sense you’re trying to tell me something.
Howard: You were a colossal ass-hat.
Sheldon: Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard: Really, do tell.
Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard: Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon: I had not considered that.
Leonard: Come on.
Sheldon: I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad.
Howard: He can feel sadness?
Leonard: Not really, it’s what you and I would call condescension.
Scene: Outside Raj’s office.
Leonard: And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.
Sheldon: But I’m not.
Howard: Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.
Sheldon: Fine, what do you want me to do?
Leonard: Smile. (He does, exaggeratedly.)
Howard: Oh crap, that’s terrifying.
Leonard: We’re here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
Howard: Try less teeth. (Does. It isn’t much better.)
Leonard: Close enough, come on. (Knocking and entering.) Hi Raj.
Raj: Hey guys, what’s up?
Howard: We just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Leonard: Celebrate your thirty under thirty thing. Right Sheldon? (He smiles.)
Raj: It’s very nice of you, I would like that.
Gablehauser (entering): Hello boys.
Raj: Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehauser: Dr Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr Hoffstadter.
Sheldon: Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr Cooper.
Howard: Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?
Raj: Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.
Gablehauser: I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.
Sheldon: Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Oh, sorry. (Smiles)
Gablehauser: Well, we’ve got to get you into a better office, something more suited to your status.
Raj: Really, you don’t have to go to any trouble.
Gablehauser: How about if I put you in Von Gerlick’s old office?
Raj: I’d rather have Fishbine’s, it’s bigger.
Gablehauser: Done.
Howard: Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
Sheldon: He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Damn, this is hard. (Smiles)
Gablehauser: Let me ask you something, what do you think the business of this place is?
Leonard (after he, Sheldon and Howard whisper to each other): Science?
Gablehauser: Money.
Howard: Told you.
Gablehauser: And this boy’s picture in People magazine is going to raise us a pile of money taller than… well, taller than you (ruffling Howard’s hair.)
Howard: I have a master’s degree.
Gablehauser: Who doesn’t? Dr Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the President’s dining room?
Raj: I didn’t even know there was a President’s dining room.
Gablehauser: It’s the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy.
Raj: Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)
Leonard: You can stop smiling now.
Sheldon: Aaaah!
Scene: A restaurant.
Raj: So anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked off to the People magazine photo shoot… have any of you boys ever been to a photo shoot?
Leonard: No.
Raj: It’s fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They’re going to digitally add a supernova, they say it’s the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Sheldon: Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.)
Raj: Excuse me. Oh, it’s my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard: They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard: Not yet.
Raj: Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can’t go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don’t know what I’d do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I’m finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I’m sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Almost.
Raj: Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj: Oh, you’re welcome. Of course, I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon: There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
Penny (bringing another grasshopper): Here you go, Raj, you might want to drink this one slowly.
Raj: Okay, so, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?
Howard: Gee, I’d love to Raj, but I can’t make it.
Raj: Oh, okay, Leonard?
Leonard: Well, uh, no I… the… no.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I can make it, but I won’t.
Penny: What are you guys talking about?
Raj: Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.
Penny: And you guys aren’t going? I can’t believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you’re not even going to be there to support him?
Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard: That would be cool. I’d go to that reception.
Penny: Come on, this is huge, Raj is going to be in People magazine. And he didn’t even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
Raj: Would you like to go with me?
Penny: Of course I would, I would be honoured.
Raj: Really? Cool.
Penny: Shame on you guys. (Leaves)
Raj: Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can’t believe it took you a whole year.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Now. (They all get up and leave. Raj looks around himself, then leans over to the next table.)
Raj: Hey, buddy. I’m going to be in people magazine.
Charlie Sheen (turning round): Yeah, call me when you’re on the cover.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Raj in a suit knocks on the door with his foot as he has a glass of champagne in both hands. He drinks one. Penny opens door, she is dressed up also.
Penny: Oh, Raj, look at you!
Raj: I know, I am resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
Penny: Um, yeah, starting with the champagne a little early aren’t you?
Raj: It was in the limo. They sent a limo. I have a limo. I just love saying limo. Here, sip on this while you’re getting ready.
Penny: Oh, I’m ready.
Raj: That’s what you’re wearing.
Penny: Um, yeah, why what’s wrong with it?
Raj: Nothing, I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, redonkulous.
Penny: Yeah, well, this is all the donkulous you’re gonna get.
Raj: Okey dokey, let’s roll. Alright, it’s time to raise the roof. Oo-ooh, oo-ooh.
Penny (to Leonard who is just coming up the stairs): Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Dude.
Leonard: You look very nice.
Raj and Penny together: Thank you.
Penny: Uh, come on, good night Leonard.
Leonard: Good night.
Raj: Hey, Leonard, did you see my limo downstairs.
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: It’s bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
Leonard: Terrific.
Raj: It has more food too.
Penny: Alright, come on, come on.
Raj (leaving, singing): I’m coming up so you better get this party started.
Leonard (entering apartment): Hey.
Howard: Hey, good news, you don’t have to sulk about Penny any more, look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard: Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard: I’ll lend you my user name, it’s wealthybigpenis.
Leonard: You’re joking.
Howard: Well, you gotta make it easy for them, they’re just learning English.
Leonard: Pass.
Howard: So you’re just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart?
Leonard: It’s not a date, and that’s racist.
Howard: It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.
Leonard: Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.
Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: What took you so long?
Leonard: Just sit down and eat.
Sheldon: Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)
Leonard: Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do?
Sheldon: I want you to check before you accept the order.
Leonard: Sorry.
Sheldon: Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?
Leonard: He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny.
Sheldon: Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
Howard: Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.
Sheldon: That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
Leonard: Do the shrimpers feature in your story?
Sheldon: No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.
Howard: Lucky?
Sheldon: Yes, Lucky.
Leonard: He’s irony impaired, just move on.
Howard: Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue.
Sheldon: While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.
Howard: So, not a puppy?
Sheldon: Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.
Leonard: A griffin?
Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard: And mythological.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
Howard: Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point.
Sheldon: My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
Leonard: You want to breed a new friend?
Sheldon: That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.
Howard: Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.
Leonard: That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon: Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested.
Leonard: If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard: And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon: He should share our love of technology.
Howard: And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard: Yeah, let’s see, money, women, technology, okay we’re agreed, our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj is heard singing in a drunk voice through the door. He enters with his arm around Penny.
Raj: Welcome to the Raj Mahal.
Penny: Yes, it’s very nice, goodnight Raj.
Raj: No, wait, the evening’s not over.
Penny: Yes it is.
Raj: No, it’s time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.
Penny: Oh, wow, is the evening over.
Raj (as a ringing noise is heard): Wait, wait, that’s my mummy and daddy calling from India. I want you to meet my parents.
Penny: Wait, meet them.
Raj (inhales deeply, picks up laptop, presses a button. His mother and father appear on the screen): Hello mummy and daddy, good to see you. I’m not drunk.
Mrs Koothrappali: Why would you say that?
Raj: Just making conversation. Mummy, daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
Penny: I am not your squeeze. There is no squeezing.
Dr Koothrappali: I can’t see her, centre her in the frame.
Raj: Here you go, cute huh?
Mrs Koothrappali: She’s not Indian.
Dr Koothrappali: So, she’s not Indian, the boy’s just sowing some wild oats.
Penny: No, no, there’s no sowing, no squeezing, and no sucking face.
Mrs Koothrappali: What if he gets her pregnant. Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren.
Raj: What right do you have to pick who I can have children with?
Dr Koothrappali: Look, Rajesh, I understand, you’re in America, you want to try the local cuisine. But trust me, you don’t want it for a steady diet.
Raj: Now you listen to me, I am no longer a child, and I will not be spoken to like one. Now if you’d excuse me, I have to go throw up.
Mrs Koothrappali: What’s wrong with him?
Penny: I don’t know, maybe it’s the local cuisine. Okay, well, it’s nice to meet you, just gonna set you on down over here, and I’m going to leave so, Namaste. (Leaves, then almost immediately returns) And FYI, you’d be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law.
Dr Koothrappali: She’s feisty. I like that.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. She is in her bathrobe. A note slides under the door.
Penny (opening door to find Raj outside): Raj, what are you doing. (He hands her the note). No. No notes. If you have something to say to me, say it.
Raj (tries several times. Finally, in a high pitched squeak): Sorry.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)
Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters, drops his keys in the bowl by the door, then collapses onto the settee. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area.
Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
Leonard: I’m not going to work.
Sheldon: Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.
Leonard: Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment.
Sheldon: Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then you can drive. Let’s go.
Leonard: Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements.
Sheldon: You did.
Leonard: And?
Sheldon: I didn’t. Let’s go.
Leonard: Goodnight, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But how am I going to get to work?
Leonard: Take the bus.
Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
Leonard: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
Sheldon: I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.
Leonard: Oh, you’re a big boy, you’ll figure it out.
Sheldon: Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. Now, take me to return my star wars sheets!
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny…
Penny (opening door): Sheldon, what is it?
Sheldon: Leonard’s asleep.
Penny: Thanks for the update (begins to close door.)
Sheldon: No, wait. You have to drive me to work.
Penny: Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do.
Sheldon: But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.
Penny: Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay?
Sheldon: Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?
Penny: Yes, Sheldon, we are friends.
Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.
Penny: Oh, dear God.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: Inside Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.
Penny: You know this is my day off, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.
Penny: It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month.
Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s fine.
Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.
Penny: Uh, maybe the light’s broken.
Sheldon: Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
Penny: Do you have any alcohol?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Penny: Too bad.
Sheldon: You’re going up Euclid Avenue?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.
Penny: Well, good for Leonard.
Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?
Penny: How about we just have a little quiet time now?
Sheldon: All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.
Penny (Pulling over): Get out.
Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.
Penny: I said, get out.
Sheldon: Okay. I’ll give it a shot. (Gets out. Penny drives away.)
Scene: The university cafeteria. Sheldon enters.
 
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I’m ready to go home.
Leonard: I just got here.
Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.
Leonard: Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks.
Sheldon: No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work.
Leonard: Howard, help me out here.
Howard: No, just for the fun of it, I’m gonna take his side.
Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?
Leonard: How did you get here in the first place?
Sheldon: Penny. But I sense that’s no longer an option.
Leonard: Look, I need to get to the laser lab, you’re just going to have to find someone else to take you home.
Howard: Oh damn, I picked the wrong side.
Scene: Howard’s motor scooter. Howard is driving, Sheldon is on the back clutching him for dear life and screaming.
 
Sheldon: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh God, not Euclid Avenue! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Scene: Raj’s car.
 
Raj: Why did Howard leave you in the middle of the road anyway?
Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.
Raj: Over what?
Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?
Raj: I’m taking you home.
Sheldon: Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.
Raj: I have a better idea.
Sheldon: You want to go to pottery barn first?
Scene: Penny’s apartment, she opens the door, Sheldon is stood outside with his Star Wars sheets.
 
Sheldon: Can you drive me to Pottery Barn? (She closes the door) Maybe if I turn off the night-light, I can keep the sheets.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area. Everyone else is present.
 
Sheldon: Good morning.
All: Good morning.
Leonard: Sheldon, sit down.
Sheldon: She’s in my spot. Don’t look at me like that, everybody knows that my spot.
Penny: Sheldon, you know  that we care about you.
Howard: And it’s because we care about you that we’ve decided we have to speak up.
Penny: You’re hurting the people around you, sweetie.
Leonard: So we made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it.
Sheldon: Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive.
Howard: This madness has to stop.
Leonard: Penny’s taking you to the DMV, I’m going to bed.
Sheldon: Why Penny?
Leonard: Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight.
Penny: All right, come on Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hold on, I have one condition.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: We have to stop at Pottery Barn.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: And Radio Shack.
Penny: Fine.
Sheldon: And the comic book store.
Penny: All right! (They leave.)
Howard: Ooh, I want to go to the comic book store. (He leaves.)
Raj: I like comic books.
Scene: The DMV.
 
Sheldon: I just don’t see why I need a driver’s license, Albert Einstein never had a driver’s license.
Howard: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.
Penny: Well, how ’bout when you were 17?
DMV Lady (to the person ahead of Sheldon in the queue): Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application?
Sheldon: I’m actually more of a theorist.
Howard: The application in your hand, give it to her.
Sheldon: Oh.
DMV Lady: Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next!
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
DMV Lady: Look at that sign up there.
Sheldon: Yes?
DMV Lady: Does it say I give a damn?
Sheldon: No.
DMV Lady: That’s because I don’t.
Sheldon: Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure.
DMV Lady: Look at the sign.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C.
Sheldon: I don’t need your help, Penny.
DMV Lady: Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next!
Sheldon: No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.
Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.
DMV Lady: Here’s your learner’s permit. Go away.
Sheldon: But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions.
DMV Lady: Don’t make me climb over this counter.
Penny: Come on, let’s go.
DMV Lady: Next!
Sheldon: Aced it.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is setting up a large kit of high tech equipment.
 
Howard: Okay, that’s it, let’s boot it up.
Leonard: Booting.
Howard: This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.
Sheldon: Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?
Howard: I haven’t configured it yet. Let’s see… Bradley tank… transport truck…  Batmobile…
Sheldon: Ooh!
Leonard: No.
Howard: Here we go, red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena.
Sheldon (sucking in breath): Hmmmm?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.
Howard: Fine, what colour do you want?
Sheldon: You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?
Howard: Black it is.
Leonard: Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
Sheldon: I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.
Leonard: Okay, fasten your seat belt.
Sheldon: Click. Now, are there air bags?
Leonard: You don’t need air bags.
Sheldon: What if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I’ll hit you in the face with a pillow.
Leonard: Okay, now shift into drive, pull out slowly into traffic.
(General panic)
 
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Oh.
Howard: Oh.
Leonard: Watch out.
Howard: Oh God!
Leonard: Watch, watch out, watch out for pedestrians!
Penny: Oh God, wait, slow, hit the brakes, hit the brakes!
(Sounds of car crashing. Penny hits Sheldon in face with pillow.)
Sheldon: Thank you.
Scene: The same, only Sheldon and Leonard are present. Sheldon is practicing. There are sounds of squealing tyres and brakes and general panic and mayhem.
 
Sheldon: Sorry… excuse me… my bad… student driver…
Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria?
Sheldon: I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
Leonard: Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
Sheldon: No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)
Leonard: Aw, the pet store?
Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.
Leonard: So wait,you’re just gonna give up?
Sheldon: No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.
Leonard: So what is it you’re doing?
Sheldon: I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?
Leonard: I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that.
Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.
Leonard: Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive!
Sheldon: No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.
Leonard: It’s never safe.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I know that now.
Leonard: Fine. Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior Homo Novus get to work tomorrow morning?
Sheldon: Homo Novus doesn’t know.
Leonard: Well, hang in there, maybe you’ll evolve into something with wings.
Scene: A corridor in the university. Sheldon emerges from his office in a shower cap and bathrobe. The others are turning the corner.
 
Sheldon: Good morning, gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Good morning. Is there some new kind of casual Friday I don’t know about?
Leonard: No, he lives here now.
Howard: Really? Why?
Leonard: Well, since he won’t take the bus and he’s too evolved to drive, he decided it would be easier to just sleep in his office and shower in the radiation lab until I’m finished with my experiment.
Raj: But you finished your experiment a week ago.
Leonard: Yep
Scene: The cafeteria, late at night. Two cleaning ladies enter and find a plate with toast crusts.
 
Cleaning Lady 1 (in Spanish, subtitles): Oh my God, again?
Cleaning Lady 2: It must be rats.
Cleaning Lady 1: Rats don’t make toast and cut off the crust.
 
(They are startled by a noise. One of them drops the plate, it smashes on the floor. Sheldon is by the drink machine, he is wearing a cloak with a hood)
 
Sheldon: You saw nothing! (Sweeps hood around himself and vanishes through cafeteria door.)
Scene: A lecture room at the university.
Leonard: So, if any of you are considering going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I’m sorry that the demonstration didn’t quite work out, but now we know what happens when you accidentally spill peach Snapple into a helium neon laser. Short answer is… don’t. And now to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon (off): Forget it.
Leonard: Excuse me. Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon (off): It’s a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard: If you don’t do this, I won’t take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon (entering): Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Leonard: Oh, good God.
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you’ll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard.
Leonard: Laser demonstration’s looking pretty good now, huh?
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The university cafeteria.
 
Raj: I love this time of the year. The leaves are turning, there’s a bracing chill in the air.
Howard: Plus there’s a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter weight to make them needy and vulnerable. That’s right, honey, have another calzone, Daddy can wait.
Raj: Isn’t there a university policy against dating graduate students?
Leonard: No, if you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
Raj: Damn, there’s always a catch.
Leslie Winkle (entering): Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey, Leslie.
Leslie: So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.
Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
Leslie: Because first-rate minds call you “dumbass”?
Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.
Girl (arriving): Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you’re just brilliant.
Sheldon: That is the prevailing opinion.
Leslie: Oh, now I’m gonna throw up.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.
Ramona: Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons?
Sheldon: Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.
Howard: Woof.
Sheldon: The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.
Ramona: Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe.
Sheldon: It’s what I do.
Howard: You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.
Ramona: Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?
Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.
Howard: I do. I love me a cup of joe.
Ramona: Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. How about dinner?
Sheldon: I do eat dinner.
Ramona: Great. I know a terrific little Italian place.
Sheldon: I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.
Ramona: Excuse me?
Leonard: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.
Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.
Ramona: What if I brought food to your place?
Sheldon: That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.
Ramona: You got it. I already have your address.
Sheldon: What a nice girl.
Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon: Yes. Apparently I’m getting a free dinner.
Scene: The apartment building lobby. Ramona is waiting by the lift. Penny enters.
 
Penny: Oh, yeah, no, this thing’s majorly out of order. (Picking up out of order sign) See? Sorry.
Ramona: That’s okay. Guess I’m taking the stairs.
Penny: Where you going?
Ramona: 4-A.
Penny: Oh, are you here to see Leonard?
Ramona: No, Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Dr. Sheldon Cooper?
Ramona: We’re having dinner.
Penny: Sheldon Cooper? Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis?
Ramona: He is cute, isn’t he?
Penny: Sheldon Cooper?
Scene: The apartment. Leonard opens the door, Ramona and Penny are outside.
 
Ramona: Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, Ramona. Come on in.
Ramona: Thanks. Where should I put this?
Leonard: Uh, the kitchen’s fine. (To Penny) Hey, what are you doing?
Penny: I need to see this.
Leonard: Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here.
Sheldon: Oh, hello.
Ramona: Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?
Ramona: So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.
Sheldon: My hypotheses tend to have that effect.
Ramona: I’m sorry I didn’t bring enough for your friends. I assumed we were going to be alone.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. No, we were just going.
Howard: To watch, right?
Leonard: No, come on, now, we’re going out.
Penny: Oh, come on, we’ll be quiet.
Leonard: Let’s go. Okay, you two, just, have a nice… whatever this is.
Penny (in hallway): Okay, you guys, look, I know this is none of my business, but I just, I have to ask, what’s Sheldon’s deal?
Leonard: What do you mean “deal”?
Penny: You know, like what’s his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets?
Leonard: Honestly, we’ve been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years, we’ve formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I’m an advocate of mytosis.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species, and someday he’ll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
Leonard: Hey, do you want to hang out with us?
Penny: What are you guys gonna do?
Leonard: Uh…
Howard: My mom’s making a brisket tonight.
Leonard: The one with the little onions? Mmm.
Penny: Yeah, I’m busy, so, goodnight.
Howard: Her loss. Let’s go.
Raj: Brisket party! B-to-the-R-to-the-I-S-K… To-the-E-to-the-T… Ooh…
Leonard: Don’t.
Scene: The cafeteria.
 
Leonard: Hey, aren’t you having breakfast?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?
Sheldon: Not in these pants.
Leonard: So, how’d it go with Ramona last night?
Sheldon: Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.
Ramona (arriving): Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette .
Sheldon: Thank you. Did anyone touch it?
Ramona: Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant.
Sheldon: Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.
Ramona: Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.
Sheldon: You don’t tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte.
Leonard: Touche.
Leslie (arriving): Morning.
Leonard: Ah, hey Leslie.
Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.
Ramona: There won’t be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.
Leslie: I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I’ll let you keep your lunch money today.
Ramona: Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard)
Leonard: Wait for me.
Ramona: So have you worked out the neutrino issue?
Sheldon: Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.
Ramona: You’re so witty.
Sheldon: Aren’t I?
Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door which then opens and Penny enters.
Penny: Hey, guys, this package came for y…
(Sheldon is sitting in his usual seat, typing on his laptop. One foot is in a foot spa. Ramona is pumicing the other.)
 
Ramona: Dr. Cooper is working.
Sheldon: Yes, I’m close to a breakthrough. Ooh, it tickles
Penny: Sorry. (Puts package down and leaves. In hallway, shudders) Holy crap on a cracker.
Leonard: Hey, Penny.
Penny: Hi. You know, you probably don’t want to go in there.
Leonard: Why? What are they doing?
Penny: You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist’s office with dolls.
Leonard (enters): Hoo-boy.
Ramona: Dr. Cooper’s working.
Leonard: Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.
Ramona: You’re not going to Halo night.
Sheldon: Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i>
Ramona: Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and
unconditional dedication of our entire lives”?
Sheldon: He did.
Ramona: And who was that great man?
Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard: Seriously? You’re not coming?
Sheldon: You heard her. How can I argue with me?
Leonard: Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.
Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.
Ramona: Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games.
Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays.
Ramona: Not if he wants a Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?
Ramona: What do you think?
Sheldon: Drat.
Ramona: Now shall we get back to work?
Sheldon: I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it.
Montage of scenes: To the sound of “You Can Be My Yoko Ono” by Barenaked Ladies  we see 1. the guys set off for paintball while Sheldon, dressed in paintball gear, sadly waves them goodbye, 2. Ramona catch Sheldon hiding behind the shower curtain playing on a Nintendo DS, 3. Ramona remove a book Sheldon is reading to reveal a Batman comic underneath, 4. Sheldon escape the apartment in his paintball gear only to be chased back inside by Ramona returning with groceries, she finds him sitting in his underpants with his paintball helmet still on.
 
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment.
 
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, in a low voice): Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny
Penny: Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time.
Sheldon: Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.
Penny: Get rid of her how?
Sheldon: I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.
Penny: Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.
Ramona (off): Dr. Cooper?!
Sheldon: Hide me.
Penny: Hide you?
Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.
Ramona: Why aren’t you working?
Sheldon: Um… she distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don’t have time for your nonsense, I have important things to do.
Penny: Oh, man.
Ramona: I know what’s going on here.
Penny: Really? Well, then will you explain it to me?
Ramona: You’re in love with Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Uh, yeah, no, that’s not it.
Ramona: Don’t try to deny it. He’s a remarkable man, but you have to let him go.
Penny: Oh, gee, okay.
Ramona: I know it’s hard, but he’s a gift to the whole world, and we can’t be selfish.
Penny: Yeah, he’s a gift all right.
Ramona: Sisters?
Penny: Um, sure, sisters. (Ramona leaves.) Holy crap on a cracker.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. He is asleep. There is a tapping on the wall. He wakes up.
 
Leonard: Sheldon? (Pause, then more tapping) What are you doing?!
Sheldon: It’s Morse code.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: So we can communicate through the wall.
Leonard: We are communicating through the wall.
Sheldon: Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.
Leonard: I don’t know Morse code.
Sheldon: It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning!
Sheldon: All right.
Leonard: Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on?
Sheldon: Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.
Leonard: I know. When is she going home?
Sheldon: Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.
Leonard: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth.
Sheldon: Come on! Don’t nitpick!
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.
Leonard: The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod.
Sheldon: Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.
Ramona (entering): Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed?
Sheldon: Now! Do it!
Ramona: You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on.
Sheldon: Godzilla clause?
Leonard: Not unless she destroys Tokyo.
Sheldon: Rats.
Scene: The living room. Sheldon is surrounded by whiteboards.
 
Sheldon (excitedly): I’ve got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string-network condensates!
Ramona: It’s unbelievable! It’s paradigm-altering!
Sheldon: And I could not have done it without you.
Ramona: Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement.
Sheldon: It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?
Ramona: Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?
Sheldon: Who’s Nowitzki?
Ramona: I’m Nowitzki.
Sheldon: Oh, you want me to share credit?
Ramona: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Get out!
Scene: The hallway, Ramona is leaving.
 
Penny: Oh, hey, hi.
Ramona: Oh, bite me!
Penny: Sisters?
Scene: The cafeteria. A red haired girl approaches the table.
 
Girl: Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Kathy O’Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away.
Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler.
Kathy: Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain?
Sheldon: Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.
Kathy: Great. I’ll bring it to your place. I have the address.
Sheldon: What a nice girl.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you see what just happened here?
Sheldon: Yes, I’m getting a free pizza. I’m on a roll.
Scene: The living room. The guys are eating.
Sheldon: More Pad Thai, please.
Howard: Sheldon, you’ve already had four servings.
Raj: You might want to slow down a bit, buddy.
Sheldon: Just one more bite.
Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: I’m just so… full.
(Sheldon begins to shake uncontrollably, then expand, then a second Sheldon separates from the original Sheldon and ends up sitting next to him. Leonard wakes up in bed with a start.)
Leonard: That’s it. No more Thai food.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Boggle. There is a Klingon dictionary on the table.
Sheldon: Time. Alright Klingons, pencils down.
Leonard: Okay, I have pokh.
All: Have it. Got it.
Leonard: Potl.
All: Yup. Have it. Have it.
Leonard: Pukhpa.
All: Have it. Got it. Yup.
Howard: I have Chorrr.
Raj & Sheldon: Got it. Yup.
Howard: Nekhmakh.
Raj & Sheldon: Yeah. Yeah.
Howard: And Kreplach.
Raj: Hold on a second. Kreplach?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: That isn’t Klingon, it’s Yiddish for meat-filled dumpling.
Howard: Well, as it turns out, it’s also a Klingon word.
Leonard: Really? Define it.
Howard: Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling.
Raj: Judge’s ruling?
Sheldon: Bilurrrbe.
Penny (entering): Hey, guys, I need to use your TV.
Sheldon: What’s wrong with your TV?
Penny: I don’t know, it just died, I’m getting a bunch of static.
Howard: Did you pay your cable bill?
Penny: You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…
Leonard: No, no, don’t tell her.
Sheldon: …playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aw!
Howard: What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds?
Sheldon: All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.
Penny: Fine.
Sheldon: All right, Boggle warriors, kapla’!
Howard: Look at those women.
Leonard: They’re gorgeous.
Sheldon: Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that’s a proper noun.
Howard: Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Is qochbe’ spelled with a (gargling) or a (guttural grunt)?
Howard: Why is that Mrs. Wolowitz crying?
Penny: Oh. That’s Anais, none of the other girls in the house like her.
Howard: House? What house?
Penny: They all live in a house together.
Howard: A house, where?
Penny: I don’t know. Somewhere in L.A.
Howard: Wait a minute, you’re telling me that I’m within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?
Penny: Yeah, I guess.
Howard: And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights?
Leonard (to Penny who has got up to leave): Hey, wh-where are you going?
Penny: To pay my cable bill.
Sheldon: All right, pencils down! I have lokh, makh, and cherrrkh. Anybody got those?
Credits Sequence.
Scene: The living room. Howard and Raj are staring intently at the television. Leonard enters.
Leonard: Did I miss anything? Did they kick Giselle off?
Raj: Not yet, but her underwater photo shoot was an embarrassment.
Howard: Sadly, Mrs. Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine. Lucky for her I like my fashion models pruny and bug-eyed.
Leonard: Sheldon, the food’s here.
Raj: There’s the house, freeze frame, freeze frame.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Raj: Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels.
Leonard: Why?
Howard: Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium well?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Dill slices, not sweet?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Individual relish packets?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Onion rings?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Extra breading?
Leonard: I asked.
Sheldon: What did they say?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Did you protest?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Vociferously?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long?
Leonard: Just eat.
Penny (entering): Hey, guys, what’d I miss? What’d I miss?
Howard: Giselle’s hanging by a thread.
Penny: Oh, good, I hate her.
Howard: Then you’re not invited to our wedding.
Leonard: Here you go.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?
All: Yes.
Sheldon: You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.
Leonard: Put it on the agenda.
Sheldon: But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.
Leonard: Oh, I’ll make a motion, but you’re not going to like it.
Sheldon: Fine. Mock Parliamentary procedure. At least put it on mute.
Penny: Oh, Giselle’s not getting kicked off. It’s totally going to be Summer. (She picks up one of Sheldon’s onion rings. Raj lets out a high pitched squeak and points.) What?
Leonard: Sheldon’s onion ring. Just put it back!
Penny: It’s one onion ring.
Howard: Just put it back before he comes!
Leonard: No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was.
Howard: Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence.
Sheldon: Who touched my…
All: Penny! Penny did it.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Penny: I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal?
Sheldon: The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.
Penny: All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.
Penny: A sports metaphor?
Sheldon: Yes, baseball.
Penny: All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike?
Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.
Penny: I did?
Sheldon: The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?
Penny: Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They’re cute and they can’t spell ’cause they’re cats.
Sheldon: I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two.
Leonard: Don’t worry. They only stay on your record for a year.
Howard: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.
Penny: Come on, I touched one onion ring.
Sheldon: And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.
Penny: Oh, honey, the buses don’t go where you live, do they?
Sheldon: Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.
Leonard: Congratulations. You’re officially one of us.
Howard: One of us, one of us.
Penny: Well, what a thrill.
Sheldon: You’re sitting in my spot.
Penny: Oh, jeez, you’ve got to be kidding me.
Sheldon: Leonard, she’s in my spot.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.
Penny: I don’t care. I’m taking a stand. Metaphorically.
Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Strike three.
Penny: Ooh, strike three.
Scene: The hallway, Penny exits the guys apartment.
Penny: I’m banished? What the hell kind of crap is that?
Leonard: Listen, don’t worry. I’ll talk to him.
Penny: Yeah, you do that.
Leonard: Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class? You can do it online!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Howard: So based on our triangulation we’ve narrowed down the location of the top model house to three square miles in the Hollywood Hills.
Raj: Or possibly Durham, North Carolina.
Howard: When we find it, you want to go with us?
Leonard: To do what?
Raj: Party with the pretty girls, dude!
Leonard: Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard: That’s what they said to Neil Armstrong about the moon.
Sheldon: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong, the entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out we will put a Wolowitz on one of America’s top models.
Raj: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.
Penny (arriving): Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up.
Sheldon: Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Penny: Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don’t like your attitude.
Sheldon: You can’t do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Penny: Yeah, no, there’s a new policy. No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
Howard: I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
Leonard: Penny, can I talk to you for a minute? Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Look, here’s the thing, um, I talked to Sheldon and he feels terrible and he agrees that he was unreasonable and out of line.
Penny: Really? Well, that’s great.
Leonard: Yeah, so just apologize to him, okay?
Penny: What? I’m not going to apologize to that nutcase.
Leonard: Oh, come on, it’s easy, he’ll even tell you what to say.
Penny: Leonard, don’t you get it? If you guys keep going along with his insanity, you’re just encouraging him.
Leonard: We’re not encouraging. It’s more like knuckling under.
Penny: Look, I like hanging out with you guys, but I’m not going to apologize for something I didn’t do.
Leonard: Well, actually, technically, you did do it.
Penny: That’s strike one, Leonard.
Scene: The same, some minutes later.
Penny: There you go, quesadilla, salad, there’s your pizza, and thanks to Sheldon’s heated discussion with my manager one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Go ahead, eat it. I dare you
Scene: The living room. Howard on his laptop.
Howard: That’s it. There’s the house, I found America’s top models!
Raj: Are you sure?
Howard: Look, on the roof, Anais and Giselle are sunbathing. European-style.
Leonard: You can recognize people on Google Earth?
Howard: Of course not, I got a buddy of mine at NORAD to have a spy drone fly over.
Leonard: NORAD? You’re using military aircraft?
Howard: It was already targeted to poke around a nuclear reactor in Siberia, I took it an hour out of its way, tops.
Penny (entering, angry): Okay, where is he?
Leonard: Sheldon? I just dropped him off at the comic book store. Why?
Penny: Here. Try and go online.
Leonard: Problem with the WiFi?
Penny: No, just try.
Sheldon (on screen): Greetings, hamburger toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart various things. Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggybacking upon our WiFi. If you want to remedy the situation you can contact the phone company, set up your own WiFi and pay for it, or you may apologize to me.
Penny: Well?
Leonard: I reiterate, knuckle under.
Penny: No, no, no, no, no. It is on. I am gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, you don’t want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.
Penny: I don’t care, I was in junior rodeo, I can hogtie and castrate him in 60 seconds.
Howard: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online.
Leonard: There, see? Problem solved.
Howard: Voila!
Sheldon (voice from Howards laptop): Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard: What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to take the class again.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is backing out of the apartment. Penny is waiting outside.
Sheldon: Oh! Hello.
Penny: Time to do your laundry, huh?
Sheldon: It’s Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night.
Penny: I know. Every Saturday at 8:15, easy to anticipate.
Sheldon: What are you implying?
Penny: I’m implying that you’re a creature of habit, and if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant. (Sheldon hurries away, disturbed) Knuckle under, my ass.
Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon, holding his laundry, is looking at the machines in dismay.
Penny: Oh, no, are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do?
Sheldon: No problem, I’ll just do my laundry another night.
Penny: Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Sheldon: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Penny: Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie.
Scene: The hallway, Penny comes storming up the stairs to the guys door.
Penny (Knock, knock, knock): Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yes?
Penny: Where are my clothes?
Sheldon: Your clothes?
Penny: Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone.
Sheldon: Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?
Penny: Sheldon, where are my clothes?
Sheldon: You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?
Penny: How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?
Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!
Penny: Get them down.
Sheldon: Apologize.
Penny: Never.
Sheldon: Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.
Penny: Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives?
Sheldon: I’ve done no stupid things.
Penny: Look, you’ve got to meet me halfway here.
Sheldon: I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things.
Leonard: Hey, you guys are talking again. Good. What happened?
Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.
Leonard: Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do?
Sheldon: I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.
Leonard (looking out of window): A-a-a-aw!
Sheldon: Mwah-ha-ha.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Leonard enters. Penny is taping together a number of long sticks.
Penny: Telephone wires can’t electrocute you, can they?
Leonard: No. Look, this has to stop.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no. It is just beginning.
Leonard: All right, I really didn’t want to do this, but… here.
Penny: What’s this?
Leonard: Sheldon’s Kryptonite.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: He can never know that I gave that to you.
Penny: Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but, but this?
Leonard: It’ll shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.
Scene: The living room.
Raj: Oh, pause it. That’s it. Confirmed. We now have the address of the top model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record what you’re doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.
Leonard (into phone, which has just rung): Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you.
Sheldon: Who is it?
Leonard: Your mother.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that’s not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you’re right, I don’t really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me?
Leonard: Are you kidding me? I already have two strikes.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny… (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here’s your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.
Penny: Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that’s, that’s not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yes?
Sheldon: Well played.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility.
Penny: Understood.
Scene: The top model house. The doorbell rings. One of the models answers. Howard and Raj are outside wearing blue jumpsuits.
Model: Can I help you
Howard: Yes, we here to fix the cable.
Model: I think we have satellite.
Howard: That’s what I meant.
Model: Oh. Okay, come on in.
Howard: She’s taller than all the women in my family combined.
Raj: What do we do now?
Howard: Follow Mrs. Wolowitz.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don’t want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better.
Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, five is partway between three… Never mind.
Raj: I’ll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It’s very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Raj: Okay, I think I got it. (They prepare)
Together: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock! (Both hold up the symbol for Spock) Oh!
Howard (entering, wearing an eye patch): Hello, boys.
Leonard: Ahoy, matey.
Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It’s all part of a technique I’ve been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
Leonard: Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pinkeye.
Howard: Mock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in something distinctive, scope out your target and toss out some negs.
Raj: What are negs?
Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like “Normally, I’m not turned on by big teeth, but on you, they work.” I’ve got a whole list of ’em. Who wants to be my wingman?
Leonard: You’re not gonna need wingman, you’re gonna need a paramedic.
Penny (entering): Howard, your scooter’s blocking my car. Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard: Step one, she notices the eye patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair? (She reaches out, pulls his eye patch away from his face, then lets go allowing the elastic to spring it back into place.)
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
Howard: Ow.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The same.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Leonard: Well, I want to watch it now.
Sheldon: Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment.
Leonard: Watch whatever you want.
Raj: I saw what you did there.
Sheldon: What did I do?
Leonard (answering phone): Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there.
Sheldon: What happened?
Leonard: Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5.
Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis.
Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1?
Raj: Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I.
Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.
Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.
Sheldon: No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
Leonard: Can we just forget I said Defcon and go?
Raj: Star Trek V!
Scene: A corridor at the university
 
Sheldon: All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best?
Raj: I have three words for you. Wrath of Khan.
Howard: Oh, thank God, you’re here.
Leonard: What’s the emergency?
Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars!
Woman (peering out of door): Howard, is everything okay?
Howard: Yeah, baby, I’ll be right in.
Sheldon: You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?
Howard: Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She’s a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won’t care she’s not Jewish.
Leonard: Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?
Howard: No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?”
Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?
Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she’s here. She doesn’t exactly have clearance.
Sheldon: Really? They don’t let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?
Howard: Yes, I was bad. Maybe she’ll spank me. Can we please move on?
Girl: Hey, Howard, you know, it’s getting late, so do I get to drive this thing or what?
Howard: Yeah. No. I’m sorry, but something’s come up. Kind of a Mars Rover, Mars Rover, can Howard come over, situation. So my friend Leonard is gonna take you home.
Girl: Oh, okay. Let’s go, friend Leonard.
Leonard: Okay.
Howard: I’ll call ya.
Girl: Yeah. So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one’s a scientist like Howard.
Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.
Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.
Scene: Leonard’s car. Leonard and the girl are kissing.
Girl: I’m sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard: Just said Howard’s a terrific guy. He’s got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Girl: I really like that you’re such a loyal friend.
Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Girl: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
Leonard: Then why did you?
Girl: He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
Leonard: Got it. So, can I see you again?
Girl: You’re not gonna see me now.
Leonard: Ooh. Cool.
Scene: The Mars Rover control room.
 
Howard: Anything?
Raj: Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding.
Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Howard: Hang on, there’s got to be other options.
Raj: You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years.
Sheldon: Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Snap what?
Howard: OK, I guess we have to turn to Plan B.
Raj: What’s Plan B?
Howard: Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon: Why wasn’t that Plan A?
Scene: The apartment.
 
Voice from television: REPORTER: A NASA spokesman states that due to the loss of data, they will most likely be unable to determine the cause of the Mars Rover’s malfunction. This is not the first time an exploratory mission to Mars has ended in disappointment.
Howard: Thank God for Plan B.
Penny: Howard, didn’t you say you worked on the Mars Rover?
Howard: No, you’re mistaken.
Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.
Howard: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Leonard: Psst! Psst!
Sheldon: Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private.
Penny: No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.
Howard: Well, that does sound like me, but no.
Sheldon: Is there some problem?
Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while.
Sheldon: All right, goodbye.
Leonard: No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I can’t tell you that.
Sheldon: Who would ask me?
Leonard: I can’t tell you that, either.
Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?
Leonard: Yeah, I really didn’t think this through.
Sheldon: Leonard, a moment.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?
Leonard: I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon: Are you going to the office?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard: Just say, Leonard went to the office.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.
Leonard: What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office.
Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.
Leonard: I’m going to the office.
Sheldon: See? Why don’t I believe you?
Leonard: I’m going out for a while.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?
Penny: Okay, where is he going?
Sheldon: Leonard is going to (exaggerated) the office.
Scene: The girl’s apartment.
Leonard: So how was work today?
Girl: Busy. I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel.
Leonard: I’m hoping that’s three different guys.
Girl: No, just the one. He didn’t make it. So, how was your day?
Leonard: Oh, you know, I’m a physicist, so, I thought about stuff.
Girl: That’s it?
Leonard: Well, I wrote some of it down.
Girl: Are you done eating?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Girl: Oh, good. (Kisses him)
Leonard: If I knew you were waiting, I would’ve swallowed that lasagna whole.
Phone rings. Answering machine: You’ve reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep.
Howard (voice): Hey, Steph, it’s me again, Howard. Listen, if you’re free Friday, maybe we could have a little something to eat at my place. My mom cooks a hell of a brisket. Let me know. It’s Howard.
Leonard: I’ve had her brisket. Melts in your mouth.
Time shift
Steph: Maybe we should think about going to the bedroom.
Leonard: That’s a good idea. There’s a bed in there, and I’m very, very, very pro-bed.
Phone rings. Answering machine: You’ve reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep.
Howard (voice): Hey, it’s me again. Just want to let you know the head count for dinner Friday has gone up. My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs. Oh, and if anybody should ask, you’re half-Jewish on your mother’s side. Okay, call me. It’s Howard.
Leonard: Don’t you think we should tell him you’re not interested?
Steph: Do you want me to stop and call him back right now?
Leonard: Dear God, no!
Time shift
Steph (from bedroom door): Oh, Leonard…
Phone rings. Answering machine: You’ve reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep.
Howard (voice): Hey, it’s me again. Howard. Listen, my cousins from Fort Lauderdale are flying in to meet you so that means we’re gonna have to move the dinner to a restaurant.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Tell her we’re going to the Olive Garden! I have a coupon from the paper.
Howard (voice): We’re not going to the Olive Garden, Mom!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Oh, Mr. Bigshot with his Red Lobster.
Howard (voice): I’ll call you back when we firm up the details. It’s Howard.
Scene: The laundry room
Penny: Oh, hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: New shirts?
Leonard: Yeah, a couple.
Penny: Nice.
Leonard:  Thank you.
Penny: So, who’s the girl?
Leonard: I’m sorry?
Penny: Well, last time you bought a new shirt was when we were dating.
Leonard: So, uh, what we did was in fact dating?
Penny: Well, yeah, we did have a date.
Leonard: Exactly. Thank you. Do me a favour, tell Koothrappali that next time you see him.
Penny: So, who is she?
Leonard: Oh, she’s a doctor.
Penny: Oh, nice. A doctor doctor, or a you kind of doctor?
Leonard: Doctor doctor. Surgical resident. Smart, pretty. Let me ask you something. If your friend thinks he’s dating someone, but he’s not because, in fact, you’re dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well, that depends.
Leonard: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Screw him. You’re fine.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Well, have you slept with her yet? You dog! Good for you.
Leonard: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard: So why’d you ask?
Penny: I’m nosy. See ya.
Scene: Outside Howard’s front door.
 
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, get the door!
Howard (voice): Really? Is that what you do when someone knocks? Thank you. I had no idea! (opening door) Hey, buddy. What brings you to my little slice of hell?
Howard’s Mother (voice): Who is it?!
Howard: It’s Leonard!
Howard’s Mother (voice): You’re gonna have to play outside! I’m not dressed to receive!
Howard: No one cares, Ma! So, what’s up?
Leonard: Listen, I need to talk to you about something.
Howard (his phone rings): Momentito. Yello. Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried… Oh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… No, I understand… Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you have a nice day, too. (To Leonard) You are dead to me.
Scene: The apartment
 
Raj: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
All: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.
Sheldon: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard: How do we decide that?
All: Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Oh!
Leonard: Oh, hey, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard?
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard: That’s just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon: I don’t make the rules, Leonard.
Leonard: Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.
Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze?
Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.
Raj: You know, screw it, I’m just gonna eat the dumpling.
Leonard (answering door): Oh, hi, Steph, come on in.
Steph:  Is this a bad time?
Leonard: Yeah, but I don’t see a better one on the horizon, so…
Howard: Oh, if it isn’t Mrs. Dead to Me.
Steph: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Look I’m sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I’m out.
Leonard: He just won’t listen to me.
Steph: Okay, I guess it’ll just be the three of us then.
Leonard: Hmm. Lisa’s gonna be disappointed.
Steph: Yeah.
Howard: Lisa?
Steph: Yeah, my roommate. She just went through a really bad breakup and I thought she might like to meet somebody fun like you.
Howard: Leonard, Stephanie, you’re alive, it’s a miracle!
Scene: The apartment kitchen. Howard is on the phone.
 
Howard: So, anyway, Lisa, I just wanted to tell you again how much I enjoyed the other night, and again, I’m sorry for how it ended. But again, if you could let me know about Friday. My mother needs a head count so she can know how big a brisket to get.
Leonard: Howard, Howard, look at this.
Howard: Anyway, call me. It’s Howard.
Voice from TV: The possibility of life on Mars has long fascinated scientists and laypersons alike. It’s unclear how the Mars Rover got into the crevice, but one thing’s certain, the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars. It’s a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we’ll never know who’s responsible.
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: Penny, hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is shaking?
Penny: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out.
Sheldon: I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?
Penny: Please don’t do that.
Sheldon: All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.
Penny: So, this wasn’t the awkward part?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Oh, all right. S’u’up?
Sheldon: Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?
Penny: Okay, feeling the awkward now.
Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard told me.
Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.
Penny: To you?
Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.
Penny: Well, aren’t you sweet?
Sheldon: Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.
Penny: Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe.
Sheldon: You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you.
Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.
Penny: Always nice talking to you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Uh, peace out!
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
 
Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.
Leonard: I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.
Sheldon: And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.
Leonard: I stand corrected.
Sheldon: You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.
Steph: That’s very interesting.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice.
Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Steph: No.
Sheldon: Good. What’s your favourite fruit?
Steph: Ih-uh, strawberries.
Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?
Steph: Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas.
Sheldon: Really? That’s where I was born!
Steph: You’re kidding!
Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Steph: Why, what-what-what happened?
Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.
Steph: I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?
Sheldon: No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.
Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.
Leonard: Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?
Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.
Leonard: Okay, here’s my question, why did you sit down?
Sheldon: To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we’ve got McCoy.
Scene: A cinema.
Steph: So, we’re all standing around looking at the post-op x ray and there it is, clear as day, right in the guy’s chest cavity, one of my earrings.
Leonard: Oh, my god, what did you do?
Steph: What do you think I did? I discreetly slipped off the other earring, put it in my pocket and then got the hell out of there!
Sheldon (arriving): I have a bone to pick with you, sir.
Leonard: Oo-oo-oh!
Steph: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh, clearly I could have.
Sheldon: It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up. Wait here, I’ll find us seats.
Steph: No, no, we have seats.
Leonard: Not the right seats. (Sheldon moves around the theatre sitting in various seats and shouting “Ha!”)
Steph: What is he doing?
Leonard: He’s finding the acoustic sweet spot.
Steph: Does he always do this?
Leonard: Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.
Steph: No, it’s fine. you know, he’s sweet.
Sheldon: My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?
Leonard: No, just sit here.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, this is it.
Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Leonard (knock, knock, knock) Leonard (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon (showing him laptop): Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
 
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: This is banana bread.
Penny: This is a door knob.
Sheldon: It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.
Penny: Sheldon, would you like to come in?
Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: How can you be sure?
Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
Penny: He’s having problems with Stephanie?
Sheldon: She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
Penny: We never got to the bedroom.
Sheldon: Because?
Penny: Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I’ll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Raj: You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard: I’ve been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
Sheldon: More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: Oh, I don’t think you can.
Sheldon: Well, why not?
Howard: Look at Leonard’s record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname “speed of light Leonard.”
Howard: And a three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
Howard: I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it, that doesn’t work at all, no matter how much you put on.
Sheldon: So, that’s all you’ve got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Yeah.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
 
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny. Zucchini bread.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
Penny: Well, thank you.
Sheldon: So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I’ve been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he’s being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I’m 14 days too early.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All I’m saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can’t they do something about lactose intolerance?
Steph: Leonard, you’re going to have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted, I thought it was cute.
Sheldon: Oh, hi Stephanie.
Steph: Hi.
Leonard: Want some more wine?
Steph: Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.
Leonard: Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I’m helping you with Stephanie.
Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?
Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.
Leonard: Huh? Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.
Leonard: Oh, for god’s sakes.
Sheldon: Go ahead, it’s pre-loosened.
Steph: Do you want some help with that?
Leonard: No, no, no, I got it.
Sheldon: No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.)
Steph: Oh my god, are you okay?
Leonard: No, I’m not. I’m bleeding.
Sheldon: Like a gladiator!
Steph: Oh, honey, you’re going to need stitches.
Leonard: Stitches? With a needle?
Steph: Well, yeah, I mean, just a few.
Leonard: Oh, okay, yeah, hang on a sec. (Throws up in sink)
Sheldon: FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.
Scene: The hospital.
Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can’t argue with her results. It’s a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.
Leonard: I can’t remember a time when you weren’t talking.
Sheldon: Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.
Leonard: I did not burst into tears, my eyes just got a little watery.
Sheldon: Watery?
Leonard: She stuck a needle into my hand!
Steph: Hey, how’s my big cry baby?
Leonard: I didn’t cry.
Steph: Okay, I’m just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it’s all good. what do you say we get you home and put you to bed?
Leonard: Oh, are you still going to spend the night?
Steph: Uh, no, I think that you probably need to rest.
Sheldon: She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.
Leonard: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: You’re welcome, Dr. Hofstadter.
Steph: Okay, I’m going to go get your discharge papers.
Leonard (after Sheldon tuts): What?
Sheldon: Well, you seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I just can’t understand why women have such a hard time loving you.
Scene: The Apartment.
 
Leonard: Hey, can you open this for me?
Raj: Can I see your stitches?
Leonard: Sure. (Holds out hand. Howard starts to retch).
Raj: Answering the question once and for all why Wolowitz bailed out of medical school.
Penny (entering): Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard: What for?
Penny: Your facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard: What? no. no, that’s not right.
Howard: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That’s bold.
Leonard: It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
Sheldon: I had no choice, he cried in front of her.
Leonard: You hacked my facebook account?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.
Leonard: Are you insane? Now she’s going to think I’m desperate. You’ve destroyed this relationship! And you want to know what the worst part is? You don’t even understand what you did wrong because you can’t conceive of something that you are not an expert in!
Sheldon: In which I am not an expert.
Leonard: Don’t even! I don’t want to hear another word out of you.
Penny (after Raj lets out a noise): What’s wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well? (He points) Oh, wow. She just updated her facebook status.
Howard: Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”
Leonard: Really? Oh, look at that, I have a girlfriend.
Sheldon: If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Steph: I don’t see anything at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle?
Leonard: No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.
Steph: Yup, there’s no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Then it must be a tumour.
Steph: I Seriously doubt it.
Leonard: Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.
Sheldon: Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.
Steph: Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed
Leonard: Okay, I’ll be right in.
Sheldon: It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.
Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments?
Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.
Leonard: No, you’re not.
Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Sheldon: I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.
Leonard: That’s absurd.
Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.
Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.
Leonard: I’m going to bed.
Sheldon: At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The kitchen.
Leonard: No, absolutely not.
Sheldon: It’s not a big deal. We have latex gloves.
Leonard: I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.
Steph: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.
Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Steph: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.
Penny (entering): Out of coffee. Need coffee.
Steph: Uh, hello.
Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right?
Steph: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are?
Penny: I’m Penny, I live across the hall. I’ve heard a lot about you.
Steph: Really?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Steph: I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!
Sheldon: In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.
Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome, Leonard.
Leonard: Look, I’m just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it’s very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I’ll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn’t like you. Um, well, uh, you have a gall bladder to remove and I have to get in the shower and Penny has clothes to put on, so…
Steph: Well, it was very nice meeting you.
Penny: Nice to finally meet you, too.
Steph:  And I’ll see you tonight?
Leonard: Okay, bye-bye.
Steph: Bye.
Sheldon: What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?
Penny: So, that’s Stephanie, huh?
Leonard: Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?
Penny: You know, she seems very nice.
Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.
Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?
Sheldon: Like hippies.
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Sheldon: Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Penny: Are you sure?
Leonard: How could I not be sure?
Penny: Well, let’s find out.
Leonard: Don’t you think if a woman was living with me I’d be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you’d be the last one to know about it. (Looking through his wardrobe) Hmm, cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you!
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Penny: Okay, hmm, scented candles, fuzzy slippers, ooh, floral bed sheets?
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Penny: Okay, moving on. Now, who are these guys at Disney World?
Leonard: Uh, the big dog is Goofy, and the older couple with the mouse ears , I have no idea. We’re not living together!
Penny: You’re going to go down swinging, huh? All right, well, we got your body lotion, your InStyle Magazine, your jewellery box.
Leonard: We’re not… Where’s my Bat Signal?
Penny: You have a Bat Signal?
Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must’ve… Oh, my God, we’re living together.
Penny: Really? What was your first clue?
Scene: The university cafeteria.
 
Howard: New pants?
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got them for me.
Howard: Nice. Cotton?
Leonard: Actually, I think it’s more of wool, fire ant blend.
Howard: So, the girlfriend’s buying clothes for you, huh? Sounds serious.
Leonard: It is actually. In fact, I gave it a lot of thought and I decided it was time for us to live together.
Howard: Uh, Leonard, huge mistake. There’s a whole buffet of women out there and you’re just standing in the corner eating the same devilled egg over and over again.
Leonard: At least I have an egg. What do you have?
Howard: A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can’t.
Leonard: So, go hit on her.
Howard: She’s not my type.
Raj: Too bad, ’cause she was checking you out before.
Howard: She was?
Raj: Of course not. Look at her.
Leonard: I don’t care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.
Scene: The hospital.
Steph: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.
Steph: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?
Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.
Steph: Thank you.
Sheldon: Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?
Steph: I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.
Steph: A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?
Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.
Steph: Go home, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Oh hey.
Leonard: Oh, good. Do you have any fabric softener?
Penny: Yeah, sure. What are you washing? A crocodile?
Leonard: No, the pants that Stephanie got me.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you can’t machine wash these. They’ll be ruined.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Absolutely.
Leonard: Oh, no. I wish you’d told me that sooner.
Penny: Are you guys having problems?
Leonard: No, everything’s fine.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. It’s wonderful. Okay, maybe this whole living together happened kind of suddenly, but it’s fine, it’s great.
Penny: Okay, Leonard, honey, you know, if you’re uncomfortable with the way things are going, you’re allowed to say something.
Leonard: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.
Penny: Believe me, your feelings are just as important as hers.
Leonard: No that doesn’t sound right either.
Penny: Just tell her you need the relationship to move at a pace that you both are comfortable with.
Leonard: Yeah, I could say something like that to her. I’ll go do that. Thank you.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: You have a really good grasp on this. Maybe you could talk to her?
Penny: You’re kidding, right?
Leonard: No, but that’s okay. I’ll go talk to her. Want to come with?
Penny: Go! Wow.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Steph: Oh, no.
Sheldon: Wha??
Steph: You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it.
Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do?
Steph: You’re going to need to stop talking immediately.
Sheldon: For how…
Steph: Du-du-du-du! Immediately.
Leonard: Hey.
Steph: Oh, hi, honey.
Leonard: Sheldon. (He waves) What’s going on?
Steph: I just performed a Sheldonectomy.
Leonard: Careful, if you don’t get it all, it’ll only come back worse.
Steph: Gotcha.
Leonard: Listen, we need to talk.
Steph: Oh-oh. Do we need to talk or do we “need to talk”?
Leonard: I don’t know what that means.
Steph: Okay, why don’t you just tell me what it is you have to tell me?
Leonard: Okay, um, well, look, it’s just that things between you and me have been going pretty quick.
Steph: And?
Leonard: It’s just a little scary.
Steph: Well, yeah, but scary good, right?
Leonard: Sure, when is scary not good? But, okay, um, I have feelings, right?
Steph: Uh-huh.
Leonard: Okay, and it’s perfectly okay to express those feelings, right?
Steph: Of course honey why don’t you tell me what it is you’re feeling?
Leonard: Okay, well, I ju… I think it’s important to remember that we move at a pace that is our speed and… oh, shoot, I had it!
Steph: Okay, how about this? How about I tell you what I’m feeling?
Leonard: What’s that? Really? Right now?
Steph: Why not?
Leonard: I just ate, aren’t you supposed to wait an hour?
Steph: I think that’s for swimming.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I just hope I don’t get cramps.
Steph: Yeah.
Scene: The laundry room.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey. Oh, I put your clothes in the dryer.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Your pants are ruined.
Leonard: Good.
Penny: So, how did the talk with Stephanie go?
Leonard: Well, um, on one level, really, really well.
Penny: So, you told her you wanted to slow things down?
Leonard: Not specifically, but, uh, I did tell her that I had feelings.
Penny: Good, good. And then what?
Leonard: And then the, the subject got changed somehow.
Penny: You had sex, didn’t you?
Leonard: Um, little bit. (She looks at her watch) What?
Penny: Nothing. Okay, well, it sounds like things are going to work out.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah it’s all good. Everything’s going to work out. One way or another.
Penny: Come on, Leonard, you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yes, you don’t always have to go along with what the woman wants.
Leonard: Huh.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Nothing, just rethinking my whole life. Okay, here’s the thing, I’m afraid that if I ask her to move out, she’ll just dump me.
Penny: Well, it’s a chance you have to take. I mean, look, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.
Leonard: Very comforting. Okay, so what do I say to her?
Penny: I don’t know. I mean, what have women said to you when they wanted to slow a relationship down?
Leonard: I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?
Penny: Yeah, that’ll slow it down.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard and Steph have just had sex.
 
Steph: I’m sorry, I totally interrupted you. What were you saying?
Leonard: Oh, right, yeah, um, so, Stephanie, here’s the thing. I really like you.
Steph: Oh, God, here comes the speech.
Leonard: What speech?
Steph: I really like you, but maybe we should spend a little less time together ‘cause I need my space but I’ll call you on Tuesday, and then you never call me so I call you, but you don’t call me back and then when I run into you at the coffee shop you pretend like you’ve been having problems with your voice mail and I know that you’re lying, but I pretend like I don’t care even though I’m dying inside!
Leonard: No! No, no! I wasn’t going to say any of that. I was just going to say, I really like you.
Steph: Oh. Oh, good! ‘Cause I really like you, too.
Leonard: Terrific.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
 
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Howard: Hey. Nice sweater.
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got it for me. It’s kind of fun.
Raj: It’s got a big bird on it, dude.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that’s the fun part. We’re also getting new curtains for my bedroom, and a dust ruffle, and a duvet, and I don’t even know what a duvet is but I’m pretty sure if I did I wouldn’t want one, but every time I talk to her about moving out she cries and we have sex.
Raj: You’re lucky. With me, it’s usually the other way around.
Howard: You know, if you can’t talk to her, why don’t you just text her?
Leonard: Isn’t that kind of cowardly?
Howard: Oh, yeah. It’s beyond contemptible.
Raj: It’s true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater.
Leonard: Sold. “I think it would be better for our relationship if you moved back to your place.” There. It’s done.
Howard: Good for you.
Leonard: Yeah, good for me. I’ll never have sex again. (Phone buzzes) I was wrong. See ya.
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment. Sheldon has his laptop. He knocks three times, the presses a button and an electronic voice says “Penny”. He does this three times.
Penny (opening door): Sheldon?
Computer voice: I have an inflamed larynx.
Penny: Okay?
Computer voice: We’re out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
Penny: Okay, let me check.
Computer voice: Some hiney would be nice, too.
Penny: Hiney?
Computer voice: Honey.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
Howard: What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?
Sheldon: Like what?
Howard: I don’t know. Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon: I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj: Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth.
Leonard: Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
Howard: Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?
Sheldon: Superman doesn’t sweat on Earth.
Howard: Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.
Raj: Booya.
Sheldon: Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.
Raj: “Kandorian dry cl…” I give up, you can’t have a rational argument with this man.
Howard: Hey, isn’t that the guy who won the MacArthur genius grant last year? No, not all at once.
Raj: Then how?
Howard: Leonard. Now, Raj. Now, Sheldon.
Raj: I didn’t get a good look. Can I go again?
Howard: No.
Leonard: It’s David Underhill. So what?
Sheldon: So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.
Leonard: I have two words for you. The first is big, the other’s whoop.
Sheldon: It is a big whoop. It made almost all the work you’ve done since you’ve been here completely useless.
Leonard: Did not.
Howard: Did, too.
Leonard: Did… okay, maybe  some of it, but, look, the guy was just in the right place, at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting reinterpretation of the universe. He got lucky.
Raj: In more ways than one. He’s a very handsome man.
Howard: Doesn’t do anything for me. If I was gonna go that way, I’m more of a Zac Ephron kinda guy.
Raj: Oh, yeah, like you have a shot with Zac Ephron.
David (approaching): Excuse me, Are you Leonard Hofstadter?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
David: I’m David Underhill.
Leonard: Uh, y-yeah.
David: Yeah, Dr. Gablehauser said if I wanted to set something up in the photomultiplier lab, that you’d be able to give me a hand?
Leonard: You want to work with me?
David: Well, if you have a little time, yeah.
Leonard: Wow, y-yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem. Uh, Here’s my home number, here’s my cell, here’s my office, here’s my parents’ number up in New Jersey, they always know how to reach me. So…
David: Okay.
Leonard: Congratulations on the MacArthur Grant, by the way. Big fan.
David: Thanks. I’ll call you.
Leonard: Okay. Bye-bye! What are you looking at?You’ve never seen a hypocrite before?
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Wii bowling.
Raj: Trailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper, who is dominating in the ninth frame with a career-best 68.
Leonard (entering): Hey, guys!
Howard: That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over!
Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.
Howard: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
Sheldon: Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?
Leonard: Actually, I was…
Sheldon: It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.
Leonard: Come on, it’s just a video game. And we suck at it.
Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
Howard: Where were you?
Leonard: I was working with Dave Underhill.
Howard: Ooh, “Dave.” Sounds like Leonard’s got a new BFF.
Leonard: Actually, he’s pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he’s a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band.
Howard: So? We’re in a rock band.
Leonard: No, we play Rock Band on our X-Box.
Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from our lead guitarist.
Leonard: He’s funny, too. He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone sex. What are you wearing? That’s not, he does it better. Anyway, he said he was gonna take me to the gym tomorrow, so I’m gonna go practice my situps.
Raj: Whoa. Humongous man crush, dude.
Howard: Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.
Penny (entering): Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny: Saturnalia?
Howard: Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
Penny: Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.
Howard: Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I’m not giving you a present.
Sheldon: No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.
Howard (to Raj who is whispering in his ear): I know. It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.
Penny: Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
Sheldon: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I’m going to need a ride to the mall.
Howard: It’s happening to us.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Ow! Ow!
David: Are you gonna make it?
Leonard: Yeah, I guess.
David: All right.
Leonard: Thanks for letting me try out your motorcycle.
David: No problem.
Leonard: I had no idea it was so heavy. The thing just fell right over on me, didn’t it?
David: Yeah. Lucky for you it wasn’t moving.
Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard. Ooh, are you okay?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. It’s just a little motorcycle accident.
Penny: My God, how fast were you going?
Leonard: I don’t know. It’s all such a blur.
David: Ha ha ha. Good one. He couldn’t even get it started. Hi. Dave.
Penny: Hi. Penny. So it’s your motorcycle?
David: Uh-huh.
Penny: Oh, is it okay?
David: It’s fine.
Leonard: Yeah, lucky for the bike it landed on my leg.
David: You mind giving me a hand with speed racer here?
Penny: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. So, um, Dave, how do you know Leonard?
David: I’m a physicist.
Penny: Ha-ha. No, you’re not.
David: Why is that so surprising?
Penny: Uh, well, it’s just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.
Leonard: I’m not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sun block because I don’t take melanoma lightly.
Penny: So, are you and Leonard working on an experiment together?
David: Yeah, actually we are.
Leonard: Yeah, we’re examining the radiation levels of photomultiplier tubes for a new dark matter detector.
Penny: Uh, sweetie, sweetie, Dave was talking. You know, I love science.
Leonard: Since when?
Penny: Since always. Call me a geek, but I am just nuts for the whole subatomic particle thing.
David: The last thing I would ever call you is a geek.
Penny: Ha. Well, that’s what I am, queen of the nerds.
David: Well, if you like, I could show you the lab we’re working in. We’ve got some cool toys, you know, lasers and stuff.
Penny: You know, I have always wanted to see a big science lab.
Leonard: Since when?
Penny: Since always.
David: Leonard, are you okay here?
Leonard: Uh, yeah. I guess.
David: How ’bout we go see it now? Maybe afterwards we take the bike up the coast, we grab a little bite to eat…
Penny: Um,yeah, yeah, that sounds great, let me just get my jacket.
David: Boy, she’ll do, huh?
Leonard: Yeah, if you like that type.
David: So, you and her?
Leonard: No, just neighbours.
David: Really. I don’t know how you live next door to that without doing something about it.
Leonard: Actually, science is my lady.
Penny: Okay. Let’s go.
David: All right. See you tomorrow, Leonard.
Leonard: See ya. ‘Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Bangs head on door. Sheldon opens it.)
Sheldon: Yes? (Leonard falls through) Did you forget your key?
Scene: A gift shop.
 
Sheldon: I don’t see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard: You’re kidding. You’ve got lotions and bath oils and soaps, that’s the estrogen hat trick.
Leonard: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It’s as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan.
Raj: Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear.
Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.
Howard: Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.
Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense.
Raj: She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!
Howard: Excuse me, we’re ready.
Sheldon: No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?
Howard: This one. Let’s go.
Sheldon: You put no thought into that.
Howard: I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go!
Sheldon: I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?
Assistant: Yes?
Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Assistant: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Assistant: I don’t understand what you’re talking about and you’re making me a little uncomfortable.
Howard: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We’ll take it.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
David: Hey, Leonard. Come, join us.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Dave. And Penny, what a surprise.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. Dave was just showing me around the university. You know, this place is unbelievable!
Leonard: Yeah, I know. I’ve been offering to show you around for a year and a half. You always said you had yoga.
Penny: I never said that.
Leonard: Maybe I heard you wrong. A lot of words sound like yoga.
David: This is an amazing woman, Leonard. She has a curious and agile mind, not to mention being curious and agile in other respects.
Penny: Oh, shut up!
Leonard: Yes, please shut up. So, um, Dave, don’t you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn’t going to detect itself.
David: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.
Penny: Really? We’re going to do an experiment?
David: Uh-huh. We’re going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Penny: It’s not an experiment! You saw what happened last night.
David: You ready to go?
Penny: Yeah. Oh, can I drive the motorcycle?
David: Yeah, why not? You can’t do any worse than Leonard.
Leonard: That’s funny. By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I’ve solved my Penny gift dilemma.
Leonard: Yippee.
Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress.
Then I’ll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I’ll return the others for a full refund.
Leonard: Brilliant.
Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.
Leonard: Do whatever you want.
Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very gracious.     Gentlemen.
Howard: Why couldn’t you have just done what Leonard did and get Penny a new boyfriend?
Leonard: My leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.
 
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Leonard: Okay, I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn’t want to go out with me because I was too smart for you! Well, news flash, lady, David Underhill is ten times smarter than me! You’d have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to beat him at checkers! Next to him, I’m like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes! So, my question is, what’s up with that?
Penny: Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Never mind, we’re cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He’s an idiot.
Leonard: Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: That’s what you took from that? The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh, yeah. I’m so… oh, that’s terrible.
Penny: And you, if you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?
Leonard: Well, uh, the important thing is he’s married and that’s terrible!
Penny: Nice save, genius. Eggnog?
Leonard: Lactose.
Penny: It’s just rum. It stopped being eggnog like half an hour ago.
Leonard: Smooth.
Penny: Smoother than you.
Leonard: Come on, it’s Christmas, just give me this one.
Penny: Okay, Merry Christmas.
Leonard: By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard opens the door to Penny.
Penny: Merry Christmas.
Leonard: Merry Christmas.
Penny: How’s your leg?
Leonard: Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in.
Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: Okay, here.
Sheldon: I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.
Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it.
Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I’m giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Be right back.
Penny: Here. Open it.
Leonard: Oh, a gift certificate for motorcycle lessons. Very thoughtful.
Penny: Yeah, and I checked. Not letting the bike fall on you while standing still is lesson one.
Leonard: Oh, then, I think you’ll appreciate what I got you.
Penny: Okay. 101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids.
Leonard: You know, ’cause you’re so into science.
(Sheldon appears with all the gift baskets)
Penny: Sheldon! What did you do?!
Sheldon: I know! It’s not enough, is it? Here.
Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon’s hugging me.
Leonard: It’s a Saturnalia miracle.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Howard: All right, that’s the last servo. Behold the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator. Or…
All: MONTE.
Howard: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armour plate exoskeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.
Sheldon: Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?
Raj: As with my father, I both love and fear it.
Howard: All right, enough chitchat, let’s destroy something.
Together (lifting): One, two, three, go.
Raj: Okay. What shall be first to taste the wrath of Monte?
Leonard: Maybe we should start small.
Raj: Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball.
Sheldon: Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water.
Raj: Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.
Leonard: How about the toaster oven?
Sheldon: What did the toaster oven ever do to you?
Leonard: What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.
Howard: Gentlemen, goggles.
Sheldon: Yeah, this is an auspicious moment. Yeah, like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
Raj: How about “Die, toaster, die”?
Leonard: That’ll do it.
Raj (after watching complete destruction of toaster oven): All right, what’s next?
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: No, I think I’m just going to stay in tonight and do laundry. (Monte bursts through boys door. Penny screams and runs down the stairs.)
 
Credits sequence.
Scene: Outside in stairwell
Howard: Oh yeah, they still got the full Monte.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Uh-huh?
Penny: What the hell?
Leonard: Killer robot. We built it.
Penny: Yeah, well, it almost killed me.
Sheldon: If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.
Penny: So, who exactly does it want to kill?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?
Penny: You know, since I moved last year, not all my mail has been forwarded.
Howard: It’s a big deal. There’s an awards banquet and a dance afterward. Perhaps you’d like to come with me. I know the other fellas would be really excited to see a girl there.
Penny: How is it supposed to be a dance if I’m the only girl?
Howard: Well, that may be a slight exaggeration. You’d be the only doable girl.
Penny: You’re a pig, Howard.
Howard: How is doable anything but a compliment?
Leonard: Howard, why don’t we just work on the robot?
Howard: Please, Leonard, not now. Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango.
Penny: Our tango?
Howard: The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it’s still… hot.
Leonard: I’m begging you, stop talking.
Penny: Look, normally I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it, you’re a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you’re the one who’s peculiar.
Penny: Yeah, you might be right. But back to you. I know you think you’re some sort of smooth-talking ladies’ man, but the truth is, you are just pathetic and creepy.
Howard: Um, so what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable. It’s not sexy to stare at my ass and say, “Ooh, it must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake like that.” And most important, we are not dancing a tango, we’re not to’ing and fro’ing. Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Ever.
Howard: Wait a minute. This isn’t flirting, you’re serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I’m flirting with you? I am not flirting with you, no woman is ever gonna flirt with you, you’re just gonna grow old and die alone.
Howard: Thanks for the heads up.
Leonard: Howard, where you going?
Howard: I’m going home to live my creepy, pathetic life.
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: Well, someone had to say it. (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear) What?
Leonard: He said maybe we should enter you in the killer robot competition.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, the phone is ringing!
Howard: Here’s a crazy idea, Ma, answer it!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Hello? All right, hold on. It’s your friend, Leonard! He wants to know why you’re not at school today!
Howard: I don’t go to school, Ma. I work at a university.
Howard’s Mother (voice): That’s a school! Now pick up the phone!
Howard: I don’t want to talk to anybody.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Should I ask Leonard to bring over your homework?!
Howard: I don’t have homework. I’m a grown man with a master’s degree in engineering!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Excuse me, Mr. Fancy-Pants. Want me to get you a Popsicle?
Howard: Cherry, please!
Howard’s Mother (voice): I ate the cherry. All that’s left is green.
Howard: You make me want to kill myself.
Scene: The university cafeteria. Other end of the phone call.
Raj: What’s going on?
Leonard: I don’t know, now they’re just yelling about Popsicles. Sounds like Penny really got to him.
Raj: I’m not surprised. Despite his hard and crusty shell, Howard is a very sensitive man. Do you know he writes poetry? Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave, but he does it with real sensitivity.
Kripke (arriving): Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?
Leonard: Yes, we did, Kripke.
Sheldon: His name is Monte.
Kripke: Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.
Leonard: Come on, is that really necessary?
Sheldon: Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make? Fat is fat.
Sheldon: There are boundaries.
Kripke: Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Kripke: There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid.
Sheldon: We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.
Kripke: Tomowow, thwee o’clock, the kinetics wab.
Sheldon: Make it so.
Leonard: No, don’t make it so. Barry, we can’t fight you tomorrow, our engineer is incapacitated.
Kripke: What’s wrong with him?
Raj: He’s depressed because he’s pathetic and creepy and he can’t get girls.
Kripke: We’re all pathetic and cweepy and can’t get girls, that’s why we fight wobots. If you’re not there, you’ll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: I’m curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
 
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, you got a minute?
Penny: Yeah, come on in. What’s up?
Leonard: I need you to apologize to How…
Penny: Get out.
Leonard: Come on. Wolowitz won’t come out of his house and we need him for a robot battle.
Penny: Well, then have the robot go and get him.
Leonard: The robot didn’t hurt his feelings.
Penny: His feelings needed to be hurt.
Leonard: He’s been in bed for two days.
Penny: Yeah, probably with a blow-up doll.
Leonard: He’s not with a… does it really matter who or what he’s with? The guy is devastated.
Penny: Oh, please, how could I possibly devastate Howard?
Leonard: Okay, don’t take this as a criticism, but you kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on.
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: You know, like, most of the time, you’re the easygoing Bruce Banner, but then, when you get angry, you kind of turn into, like, you know, grrrrr!
Penny: I turn into a bear?
Leonard: Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner? You didn’t get The Incredible Hulk from that? Never mind, just, please go talk to him.
Penny: And say what? That I didn’t mean it, because I meant it.
Leonard: Well, maybe you can go at it from a different angle, like, um, you see a glimmer of goodness in him and you only said what you said because you want to nurture it and make it shine.
Penny: Oh, pthththth.
Leonard: Okay, let’s try it this way. Remember the day that we first met and you asked me to go to your boyfriend’s apartment to get your TV back and he was nine feet tall and he took my pants off and you said… what was that? What did you say? Oh, yes, you said you owed me one.
Penny: Okay, come on, that’s not fair.
Leonard: I came home with no pants.
Penny: Fine, I’ll go over there tomorrow.
Leonard: Thank you. I should probably give you a heads up about his mother.
Penny: What about her?
Leonard: She’s a delightful woman. You’ll love her.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, there’s a blonde girl, Patsy, here to see you!
Howard: Who?
Howard’s Mother (voice): Okay, now she’s saying it’s Penny.
Howard: I don’t want to talk to her.
Penny (entering): Hey.
Howard: Ma!
Howard’s Mother (voice): She ran past me. Was I supposed to tackle her?
Penny: So, I just came by to see how you were doing.
Howard: I’m fine.
Penny: Good. Your mom seems nice.
Howard: People move away from her on the bus. What do you want?
Penny: Okay, look. Howard, I just want to apologize for some things that I have said. About you. I’ve been informed that you have feelings. And apparently, I have hurt them. So, I’m sorry. Howard.
Howard: Fine, you’re sorry. Good-bye.
Penny: So, you’re okay?
Howard: Hey, I’m a big boy. I’m not traumatized by some random comment from some random woman. I mean, get over yourself.
Penny: Okay. Well, bye. (Penny leaves room. Sound of Howard crying through door.) So close (goes back in.)
Scene: The apartment. The guys are watching footage on a laptop screen.
 
Leonard: Oh, my God. That’s Kripke’s robot?
Kripke (voice): As you can see, the Kwippler is weducing the Chevy Cavawier to wubble.
Raj: I can’t watch anymore.
Leonard: Sheldon, we have to call it off.
Sheldon: We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.
Leonard: Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.
Sheldon: Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.
Raj: Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke’s robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile.
Sheldon: You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared.
Leonard: You want to prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself.
Raj: Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?
Leonard: Not yet.
Sheldon: Have faith, gentlemen. We don’t need Wolowitz, engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn. Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: And then, when I was 14, I met Marcy Grossman. She was so beautiful. She just got her braces off but they left a little of the overbite. It was so hot, like a sexy little chipmunk. I didn’t have the courage to ask her out, but I dedicated a song to her at the ninth grade talent show.
Penny: Aw, that sounds sweet.
Howard: Marcy Grossman is sunshine, on a cloudy day, when it’s cold outside, Marcy Grossman is the month of May…
Penny: Oh, it’s cute.
Howard: I guess you’d say, what can make me feel this way, Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman, Talkin’ ’bout Marcy…
Penny: That’s great.
Howard: Grossman.
Penny: Oh, it’s fun.
Howard: And then she came up with that sexy little chipmunk mouth and spit in my hair. Which brings us to tenth grade.
Penny: Howard, do you think maybe sometimes you try too hard?
Howard: Look at me. What chance do I have if I don’t try too hard?
Penny: Well, you’d have a terrific chance. I mean, you’re smart, you’re funny, you have a cool job. You build stuff that goes into outer space.
Howard: I guess.
Penny: Look, I’m telling you, I’ve known you for, like, a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I’m talking to a real person. And you know what? I like him, he’s a nice guy.
Howard: You really think so?
Penny: Yes.
Howard: I don’t know.
Penny: I do. (Howard tries to kiss her. She punches him.)
Scene: The lab.
 
Leonard: Nice little bot you’ve got here.
Kripke: I’m aware.
Leonard: What’s this do, spin?
Kripke: Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber.
Leonard: Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off.
Sheldon: No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.
Raj: But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote.
Sheldon: What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.
Raj: That’s not overconfidence, that’s observation.
Sheldon: Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke! I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met.
Kripke: What is his pwoblem?
Raj: Way to bust out the Jedi mind tricks, dude.
Leonard: I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.
Kripke: Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules.
Sheldon: He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.
Kripke: I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war.
Sheldon: Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.
Kripke: That could be easily awanged. Weady, set, go?
Sheldon: Do it.
Kripke: Alwight then. Weady. Set. Go.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, you got this.
Sheldon: Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new.
Leonard: Run, Monte, run!
Raj: Go, Monte! Go Monte!
Leonard: Go, go, go, go!
Sheldon: Don’t hurt us, don’t hurt us,
Scene: The apartment. Monte is in pieces on the table.
Leonard: Well, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.
Sheldon: I did this. Monte was killed by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.
Raj: No one’s arguing with you, dude.
Howard (arriving): I got your text. How bad is… Oy.
Leonard: Forget the robot. What happened to you?
Penny: He slipped and fell.
Howard: Yes, I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub.
Penny: Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.
Howard: Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed.
Sheldon: So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?
Howard: Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
Sheldon: You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren’t you getting a little carried away? I mean, it’s just a toy robot.
Sheldon: Just a toy robot?
Leonard: Penny.
Penny: I know, I got it. Sheldon, I’m sorry.
Howard: Well, don’t get the wrong idea. The way I see it, I’m halfway to pity sex.
Scene: The university cafeteria
Raj: Mmm, gentlemen, I put it to you, the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavour.
Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant…
Howard: Hey, I’m thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard: Ah, no kidding! A Fu Man Chu? A handlebar pencil?
Sheldon: It is extracted from the plant…
Howard: I’m not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now!
Raj: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralph’s. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh, you’d think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
Leonard: Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright Sheldon, why is tapioca…
Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the Cocoa Bean, from which we get chocolate, the best pudding. And you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore!
Kripke (arriving): Hey Hofstadter!
Leonard: Hey Kripke.
Kripke: Heard about your watest pwoton decay expewiment, twenty thousand data wuns and no statistically significant wesults. Vewy impwessive!
Howard: What a jerk.
Raj: Don’t feel bad Leonard, negative results are still results.
Howard: Even twenty thousand of ’em.
Leonard: Alright, please don’t cheer me up anymore.
Howard: C’mon, don’t let him get to you. It’s Kripke.
Raj: Yeah, he’s a ginormous knob.
Howard: That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.
Raj: Fo’ shizzle.
Sheldon: Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.
Leonard: Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends.
Sheldon: Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!
Kripke: Yeah?
Sheldon: What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Kripke: I would say, I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon: Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?
Kripke: Yeah, I’ll do that.
Sheldon: Well I think we’re off to a terrific start.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: There you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
Penny: Thanks! I mean the e-mail doesn’t bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Leonard: Yeah, I got the same one. And that’s not a bathing suit, it’s a tan line.
Sheldon (on phone): Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I’m leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef’s salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef’s salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I’m following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: What’s up with Ichabod?
Leonard: Oh he’s trying to make a new friend.
Penny: Oh really? Well, good for him.
Leonard: Well, unless he’s makes one out of wood like Gepetto, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
Penny: Well, how did you guys become friends?
Leonard: There was a flier on the bulletin board at the university. Roommate wanted. Whistlers need not apply.
Penny: And you moved in anyway?
Leonard: I assumed he was joking. You’d be surprised how many particle physicists have a whimsical side.
Penny: Well, what about Howard and Raj, I mean how did you become friends with them?
Leonard: I don’t know, how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way. But it all worked out, right?
Leonard: I suppose. I do miss whistling though.
Penny: Oh come on, really? (Leonard whistles)
Sheldon: First warning.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
 
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny.This is for you.
Penny: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: What is this?
Sheldon: It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Penny: Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
Sheldon: Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Penny: Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing?
Sheldon: I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.
Penny: Wait! How many questions are on this thing?
Sheldon: Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.
Penny: Thanks pal.
Sheldon: You got it, buddy.
Penny: Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don’t know, pleasant?
Sheldon: Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is reading one of the questionnaires. He tuts.
Sheldon: Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard: I answered every question Sheldon.
Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.
Leonard: Aw, you picked up on that huh?
Sheldon: How could I not?
Leonard: Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank?
Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that!
Sheldon: Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.
Leonard: It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon: What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Sheldon: I don’t see how you could.
Leonard: What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
Sheldon: What do you mean!?
Leonard: Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
Sheldon: I did learn how to swim.
Leonard: On the floor.
Sheldon: The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
Leonard: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon: The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.
Leonard: No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.
Sheldon: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.
Leonard: Where are we going?
Sheldon: You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.
Leonard: Why don’t you just lie down on the floor and swim there?
Scene: A bookshop.
 
Sheldon: Coping with the death of a loved one. My condolences.
Woman in queue: Thank you.
Sheldon: Family or friend?
Woman: Family.
Sheldon: Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.
Leonard: Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?
Bookstore employee: Um, yeah but they’re all for little kids.
Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Employee: Uh, I guess. They’re right over there by the wooden train set.
Sheldon: Oh! I love trains!
Employee: I bet you do.
Sheldon (picks up train): Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?
Little girl: I don’t like birds, they scare me.
Sheldon: Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?
Girl: Curious George.
Sheldon: Oh I do like monkeys!
Girl: Curious George is a monkey.
Sheldon: Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that?
Girl: Okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?
Girl: Rebecca.
Sheldon: Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard: No you’re not, let’s go.
Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard: Don’t look up, there’s cameras.
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: I’m curious. In the “How Well Do You Know Sheldon” section, what do you put for his favourite amino acid?
Leonard and Howard: Lysine.
Raj: Damn it. I had Lysine and changed it.
Sheldon: Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends!
Howard: Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon: See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo.
Raj: Stu the cockatoo?
Leonard: Yes, he’s new at the zoo.
Sheldon: It’s a terrific book. I’ve distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process.
Howard: Have you thought about putting him in a crate while you’re out of the apartment?
Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Kripke. Yes, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn’t returned any of my calls because I hadn’t offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together… I see. Well then perhaps you’d have time for a hot beverage. Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa… I see. No, no, no, wait. Don’t hang up yet. What about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh no, I’m sorry, I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours.
Leonard: Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop.
Howard: I can fix it.
Sheldon: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.
Howard: Gee. Why can’t Sheldon make friends?
Sheldon: Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.
Scene: Rock climbing centre. Sheldon and Kripke are watching someone descend the practice wall.
Sheldon: You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.
Kripke: Nope, I wanna climb some wocks.
Sheldon: This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.
Kripke: You afwaid of heights, Cooper?
Sheldon: Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?
Kripke: Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this.
Sheldon: Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.
Kripke: Let’s go, Cooper.
Sheldon: Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.
Kripke: Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top.
Sheldon: I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.
Kripke:You alwight there, Cooper?
Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.
Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?
Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?
Kripke: Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going.
Sheldon: Yeah, I don’t think I can.
Kripke: Well, then. Cwimb back down.
Sheldon: No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.
Kripke: So what’s the pwan, Cooper?
Sheldon: Well, it’s not exactly a plan but I think I’m going to pass out.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’m sorry. Can we please just do it one more time?
Howard: Okay. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3 and… (Leonard, Howard and Raj whistle “Sweet Georgia Brown” together)
Leonard: It’s a little thing but you really do miss it.
Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.
Together: Oh…
Kripke: Hewo to you, too.
Leonard: How was rock climbing?
Kripke: He passed out. Just hung there like a big sawami.
Sheldon: D-d-d! That’s where I sit.
Kripke: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
Howard: How much time you got?
Leonard: Want some Chinese food?
Kripke: Tewific. Got any dental fwoss?
Leonard: In the bathroom.
Kripke: Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.
Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
Leonard: What’s that?
Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.
Howard: Me, me. Let it be me.
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.
Leonard: Can I whistle?
Sheldon: Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.
Howard: Guilty as charged. I’m out.
Sheldon: No. You, too, are safe.
Howard: Oh come on. What do I have to do?
Penny: Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just…
Sheldon: Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?
Leonard: He had Lysine but changed it.
Sheldon: Yeah. Shoulda, woulda coulda, Raj.
Kripke: I like to fwoss before I eat, so my gum pockets are open for new food.
Penny: Eww.
Kripke: Hewo. How did I walk past you? I’m Bawy.
Penny: Penny.
Kripke: Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.
Howard: Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh?
Sheldon: So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.
Kripke: No.
Sheldon: No? But we’re friends!
Kripke: I’m sowy. No, my fwiend?
Sheldon: I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?
Kripke: No, that’s wong. There’s an official schedule. I have no contwol over it.
Sheldon: Oh. This entire endeavour seems to have been an exercise in futility. Raj, you’re back in. He likes monkeys.
Scene: The climbing centre.
Howard: You gotta give him credit for sticking with it.
Leonard: I didn’t think he had it in him.
Raj: He almost made it to the top this time.
Sheldon is seen dangling from the ropes
Scene: The apartment. The guys are studying a complex chart on the whiteboard.
Leonard: Hmmm.
Sheldon: The problem appears to be unsolvable.
Raj: Maybe you could run some computer simulations.
Howard: There are too many variables. It would take forever.
Leonard: We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.
Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.
Leonard: Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.
Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.
Raj: What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.
Sheldon: They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
Leonard: Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.
Raj: We could eat after the movie.
Sheldon: Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work.
Raj: Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.
Howard: Wow. I don’t see how we missed that.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees?
Raj: That’s how we missed it.
Leonard: Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, you know I can’t do that.
Howard: Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Raj: Yep, I don’t see any way around it.
Leonard: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard: See ya.
Raj: Later, dude.
Sheldon: They’re right, it was the only option.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is opening the apartment door. Penny comes running up stairs.
Penny: Ooh, ooh, shut the door, shut the door.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.
Sheldon: Well, you didn’t specify.
Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.
Penny: Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.
Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.
Penny: Yes, it occurs to me, too.
Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.
Penny: Wow, you got a lot of money in there.
Sheldon: That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.
Penny: Don’t be silly.
Sheldon: I’m never silly. Here.
Penny: No, I can’t.
Sheldon: Don’t you need money?
Penny: Well, yeah, but…
Sheldon: This is money I’m not using.
Penny: But what if you need it?
Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.
Penny: Really? I mean, are you sure?
Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
Penny: I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon: Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
Penny: I’m regretting this already.
Scene: Entering the lobby of the building.
Sheldon: You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Ask me why.
Leonard: Do I have to?
Sheldon: Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. How was work?
Penny: Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Was that sarca..
Leonard: Stop it!
Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.
Penny: Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.
Sheldon: Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.
Leonard: He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating.
Penny: Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?
Leonard: Weird.
Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.
Leonard: Did you guys have an argument?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, you clearly did something to aggravate her.
Sheldon: I’m at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there’s a blunder I overlooked.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Leonard: Here you go. Oh, you owe me another two dollars. The price of mu-shu pork went up.
Howard: It’s getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.
Leonard: Here you go, Penny. Shrimp with lobster sauce.
Penny: Thank you, Leonard. What’s my share?
Leonard: Don’t worry about it. It’s my treat.
Penny: No, really, how much?
Leonard: It’s, whatever. Ten, eleven dollars.
Penny: Well, which is it, ten or eleven?
Leonard: Fourteen fifty, but it’s no biggie, you’ll get the next one. (Raj whispers something to Howard)
Penny: What?
Howard: He was just wondering if he wore skintight jeans and a tank top if he’d get his shrimp lo mein for free.
Penny: What are you saying? That I’m using my body to get dinner? That I’m some kind of Chinese food prostitute?
Howard: Yeah, Raj, what are you saying?
Penny: ‘Cause let me tell you something, buddy, I pay my own way in this world, okay? I don’t rely on anybody! (Raj runs out of the room) What was that about?
Howard: He has a nervous bladder when he’s stressed out. Kind of like a puppy.
Penny: Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.
Leonard: It was fourteen fifty, but it’s okay.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner’s here.
Penny: Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: You’re damn right it’s okay. I’ve been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.
Sheldon: Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.
Penny: Sheldon, look, I will pay you back as soon as I can. You just have to give me more time.
Leonard: Oh, wait, you lent her money?
Penny: She needed money. You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more.
Penny: Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn’t you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can’t pay her bills.
Leonard: Where are you going?
Penny: Going home, where I won’t be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.
Sheldon: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I’ve moved my money out of the snake can.
Leonard: But if you’re ever short, there’s always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern’s ass.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: A little mood lighting, huh?
Penny: Yeah. When I didn’t pay my bill, the Department of Water and Power thought I would enjoy the ambience.
Leonard: Yeah, they’re very considerate that way.
Penny: I used Sheldon’s money to pay my rent, then I had like fourteen dollars left over.
Leonard: Fourteen dollars, huh?
Penny: Put it back in your pocket, or I’ll find some other place to put it.
Leonard: Back in the pocket it goes. Look, you do understand that Sheldon really doesn’t care when he gets the money back. It’s actually one of the few idiosyncrasies that doesn’t make you want to, you know, kill him.
Penny: Yeah, well, that’s not really my big problem.
Leonard: So you’re a little behind on your bills. Everybody gets behind on their bills.
Penny: Yeah, I know, it’s just, this wasn’t the plan, it wasn’t supposed to go this way.
Leonard: Well, what was the plan?
Penny: Um, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.
Leonard: Was there a plan B?
Penny: TV star.
Leonard: It’s probably not as bad as you think. Let’s take a look. Maybe we can find some corners to cut. Oh, here’s something, if you don’t have electricity, then you probably don’t need cable. Just a suggestion. 170 dollars for acting classes?
Penny: Oh, no, I can’t give up my acting classes. I’m a professional actress.
Leonard: You’ve had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard: Actually, it kind of… let’s keep looking. Whoa, what’s eighteen hundred dollars to the Los Angeles County Superior Court?
Penny: Oh, that’s nothing.
Leonard: Nothing? It sounds like you got caught speeding going 4,000 miles an hour.
Penny: Well, remember Kurt?
Leonard: Your ex-boyfriend?
Penny: Yeah. He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so.
Penny: Anyway, he had a bunch of outstanding tickets and a bench warrant, so I, you know, I paid his fines.
Leonard: Did he pay you back?
Penny: No, but he will.
Leonard: And that’s based on the inherent credit-worthiness of people who get drunk and urinate on police vehicles?
Penny: Leonard, I’m not gonna call up Kurt and ask him for money.
Leonard: Well what are you gonna do?
Penny: I don’t know, but I may have to find a cheaper place to live.
Leonard: Oh, no. Oh, you don’t want to do that.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Well, moving is a big deal. You have to go to the supermarket and get boxes, and if they’re not clean, then your books smell like melons, and it’s just, like… Why don’t you just get a roommate and stay here?
Penny: Well, do you know anybody?
Leonard: Well, I’m sure the guy living with Sheldon wouldn’t mind moving in with you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, honey, if we started living together, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting lessons were a waste of money.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Howard: Ugh. This mu-shu pork’s burning a hole through my duodenum.
Raj: Leviticus 11:3: “Only that which parteth the hoof and cheweth the cud among the beasts shall ye eat.”
Howard: Hey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad-Gita every time you scarf down a Whopper?
Leonard: Hey, what’s going on?
Raj: We’re on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown.
Howard: You want the Valley of Fire? It’s right here.
Leonard: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?
Sheldon: Outside? I just made cocoa.
Leonard: – Come on. It’ll be fun.
Howard: What is it?
Leonard: Do you guys remember Penny’s ex-boyfriend Kurt? (They all hold their hands above their heads) Yeah, that’s him. It turns out he owes Penny a lot of money, and I’m gonna go get it from him.
Who’s with me?
Howard: Ooh, double sixes.
Leonard: Really? You’re just gonna let me go by myself?
Raj: Oh, cool, I got a sword.
Leonard: I could use some help.
Raj: Here.
Leonard: You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?
Leonard: I do.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.
Leonard: I’m not afraid of him.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.
Leonard: Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?
Sheldon: They did.
Leonard: Well?
Sheldon: They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.
Raj: Plus, no one stole their pants.
Leonard: Fine. Just enjoy your little game. I’ll make this quest on my own.
Howard: Leonard, wait. Take a jacket, it’s spritzing a little.
Leonard: You guys suck. (Leaves. Comes back) Come on, please? He’s so big.
Scene: Outside Kurt’s door.
 
Leonard: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrappali’s going to wet himself, I’m gonna throw up, Sheldon’s gonna run away, and you’re going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Guys, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
Leonard: Okay, how about this? I’ll do the talking, you just stand behind me and try to look formidable.
Raj: I should’ve peed before we left.
Kurt: Yeah?
Leonard: Hi, Kurt.
Kurt: Lenny, right?
Leonard: I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.
Kurt: No. What do you want?
Sheldon: You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?
Leonard: Sheldon, not now.
Sheldon: I remember him.
Leonard: Okay, here it is. Penny’s in kind of a financial jam, and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
Kurt: And she sent you to get it from me?
Leonard: No, no, she’s too proud to ask for the money. I, on the other hand, feel you should honour your debt.
Kurt: You do?
Leonard: Feel is a kind of a… it’s a strong word. Um, I just think it would be a nice gesture on your part.
Kurt: She’ll get it when she gets it.
Howard: Well, there you go. Problem solved.
Raj: A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
Leonard: No, the problem isn’t solved. He just blew us off.
Sheldon: I’ve got it. He didn’t remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.
Howard: Come on, Leonard, let’s go
Leonard: No. You can leave if you want to. I’m gonna see this through.
Howard: Okay. (They leave)
Leonard: I guess, technically, that was my fault. (Knocks) I’m not leaving here without Penny’s money.
Kurt: What happened to your backup?
Leonard: I don’t need backup. I have right on my side. And I’m wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Congratulations. You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt. (Leonard has “I owe Penny $1800, Kurt” written on his forehead.)
 
Howard: Maybe we should have your head notarized.
Raj: If anybody cares, I still have to pee.
Scene: Outside the apartment. Penny knocks.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, is Sheldon here?
Leonard: Yeah. Hang on. Sheldon!
Penny: Nice hat.
Leonard: It’s kind of a fashionable look these days.
Penny: Maybe if you’re working on a tuna boat.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Darn. I can’t seem to get the hang of that.
Leonard: Hey, I know it’s none of my business, but where did the money come from?
Penny: Well, I cut back my expenses like you said and picked up a few more hours at the restaurant, but the biggest thing was, out of the blue, Kurt shows up and gives me the money he owes me.
Leonard: Really? Did he say why?
Penny: Yes, he said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right.
Leonard: That’s it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany?
Penny: Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.
Leonard: Penny’s hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!
Sheldon: That’s your badge of honour, your warrior’s wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon (sings): There once was a brave lad named Leonard, with a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant, while Raj just wanted to pee.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Rock Band. Sheldon is on guitar, Howard drums and Raj singing. They are performing the Red Hot Chili Peppers “Under the Bridge”. As Raj gets into the song, Penny enters and his singing turns into a squawk.
Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It’s the sound of a cat being run over by a lawn mower.
Leonard (entering on the phone): I’m really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation.
Penny: What’s that about?
Howard: Not a clue.
Leonard: Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?
Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard: No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.
Sheldon: He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.
Leonard: Aren’t there any other options? There’s not a lot of room, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yes, yes. Yeah, I’m definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard: Okay, bye. My mother’s coming to visit.
Howard: How about that, you were right.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The lobby. Penny finds a woman studying the lift.
Penny: It’s out of order.
Woman: Yes, I can read the sign, I’m just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn’t work.
Woman: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust, which indicates that the elevator has been non-functional for a significant amount of time. Which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the, I assume, 24 to 36 residents of this building based on the number of mailboxes and given typical urban population density or a shared delusion of functionality.
Penny: You must be Leonard’s mother.
Leonard’s Mother: Oh, I don’t know if I must be, but yes.
Penny: Uh, I’m Penny. I’m his neighbour.
Leonard’s Mother: Oh, Dr. Beverley Hofstadter.
Penny: Oh, nice to meet you.
Beverley: Oh, you’re a hand shaker. Interesting.
Penny: Uh, why don’t you come with me. I’ll walk you to the apartment.
Beverley: Oh, all right. Would you like to exchange pleasantries on the way?
Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Beverley: All right, you start.
Penny: Okay. You know, I’ve always been curious. What was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverley: Oh, I think you mean young. He’s always been little.
Penny: Right, okay. What was he like when he was young?
Beverley: You’ll have to be more specific.
Penny: Oh, um, okay, like, five or six. Five.
Beverley: Oh, well, at that age he was well enmeshed in what Freud would call the phallic stage of psychosexual development. An outmoded theory, of course, but the boy did spend most of his waking hours with a tight grasp on his penis.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard mentioned you were a psychiatrist.
Beverley: Well, that is one of my degrees. My primary field is neuroscience.
Penny: Oh, well, I’m an actress.
Beverley: Why?
Penny: What do you mean why?
Beverley: Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.
Penny: Yeah, I don’t know what that means.
Beverley: Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
Penny: Oh, well, I had a wonderful childhood.
Beverley: Tell me about it.
Slight time shift.
Penny: I know my dad wanted a boy. I just, I tried being good at sports, but I hated getting dirty!
Beverley: And then, I’m assuming, you entered adolescence.
Penny: Uh-huh, he called me Slugger until I got my first training bra, and then he just stopped playing catch with me. I wasn’t Slugger anymore. Your mother’s here!
Beverley: If you want to have intercourse with that girl, find out what kind of cologne her father wore.
Leonard: Good to see you, Mother.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here’s your tea, Mother.
Beverley: Oolong?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Steeped three minutes?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Two-percent milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Warmed separately?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: One teaspoon sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Raw sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: It’s cold.
Leonard: I’ll start again.
Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.
Beverley:  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverley: Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverley: Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.
Leonard: Here’s your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
Beverley: I’m sorry, it’s on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Aw…
Leonard: So, Mother, what’s new?
Beverley: You’ll have to be more specific.
Leonard: All right. Uh, what’s new with you?
Beverley: Oh, well, I’ve been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently.
Leonard: Maybe something less personal.
Beverley: Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?
Beverley: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.
Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.
Leonard: Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off.
Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.
Leonard: I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.
Sheldon: You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Sheldon, you don’t give your mother enough credit. She’s warm, she’s loving, she doesn’t glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon: You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: So, Dr. Hofstadter, Leonard rarely talks about his incredibly successful brother and sister.
Leonard: Please, don’t go there, Howard.
Howard: I understand that unlike Leonard, they’re at the top of their respective fields.
Leonard: Boy, you suck.
Beverley: Well, Leonard’s younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she’s close to curing diabetes?
Beverley: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverley: Why? They’re not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.
Leonard: Why are you doing this?
Howard: You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.
Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj: Yeah, you’re like the Jar Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard: Oh, meesa think yousa lookin’ so so sad.
Leonard: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard: Next time, don’t yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day?
Leonard: That was fast.
Beverley: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I’ll have to try again later.
Sheldon: It’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.
Beverley: So, where were we?
Leonard: Howard lives with his mother and Raj can’t speak to women unless he’s drunk. Go.
Beverley: That’s fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It’s just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverley: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one’s mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what? (Raj whispers in his ear) That’s basically what I just said.
Leonard: You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.
Beverley: Leonard, it’s one o’clock, weren’t you going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock?
Leonard: There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.
Beverley: But it’s one o’clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock.
Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o’clock.
Leonard: Fine. Let’s go. I think you’ll find my work pretty interesting. I’m attempting to replicate the dark matter signal found in sodium iodide crystals by the Italians.
Beverley: So, no original research?
Leonard: No.
Beverley: Well, what’s the point of my seeing it? I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.
Howard: Just for the record, we’re not in an ersatz homosexual relationship.
Raj: Well, then why didn’t you say that to her?
Howard: Why is it always my responsibility?
Raj: It’s not always your responsibility. I swear, this is the same thing you did at the comic book store last week.
Howard: I can’t believe you’re bringing that up.
Raj: I didn’t bring it up. You did.
Howard: We’ll talk about this later.
Raj: You always say that, but we never do.
Sheldon: You went to the comic book store without me.7
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
 
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard: Yep.
Penny: Come on in. Wait, wait, she’s not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard: Oh, relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny: Oh, my God. What happened?
Leonard: Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny: Geez, what a fun couple.
Leonard: She’s only been here a day and a half and I’m seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday and I’ve been half bombed ever since.
Leonard: You can’t let her get into your head.
Penny: My head, what about yours?
Leonard: It’s too late for me. My head is her summer house.
Penny: She was right, you know. The locus of my identity is totally exterior to me.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, there she is. Hi, Mom.
Penny: I mean, do you know where I was all morning? Auditioning with 50 other blondes for some stupid antidepressant commercial. And for what? So I’ll finally get my daddy’s approval?
Leonard: Did you get the part?
Penny: No, they said I was too perky.
Leonard: Hey, you want to talk about not getting love from a parent. You know what I used to do when I was little to have some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn’t let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard: Of course she did. Anyway, that’s not what I was gonna say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah. I got a dressmaker’s mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.
Scene: The stairwell.
 
Beverley: Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.
Sheldon: I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.
Beverley: Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it.
Sheldon: I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.
Beverley: Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.
Sheldon: Oh, I can’t believe that.
Beverley: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.
Sheldon: My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.
Beverley: Understandable.
Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverley: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you.
Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverley: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.
Beverley: Nor I.
Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverley: Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon: I’d like to do the math.
Beverley: I’d like that, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny and Leonard are doing tequila shots.
Penny: Okay, now this time…
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Penny: You’re gonna lick the salt off my neck, do the shot, and then bite the lime.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear anything after lick.
Penny: Neck, shot, lime. (Leonard starts licking her neck. He is there a long time) Okay, shot, lime.
Leonard: Right. Ah! Where’s the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we’re sharing.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So, what do you think?
Beverley: I’m very tempted. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with my son’s roommate.
Sheldon: Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.
Beverley: True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.
Beverley: I see what you’re doing. You’re appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
Sheldon: You see right through me, don’t you?
Beverley: Only when you’re in a CAT scanner.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Penny and Leonard are in bed.
Leonard: This is actually gonna happen.
Penny: Honey, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.
Leonard: You shush, I’m happy, I want to talk about it. You know what my mother would say about this? She would say because you were not loved by your father and I was not loved by my mother, that having sex is our way of making up for the intimacy we didn’t get as children.
Penny: Why would you bring that up right now?
Leonard: I don’t know. Foreplay?
Penny: So you’re saying you’re not having sex with me, you’re having sex with your mother?
Leonard: Ummm, I’m gonna go with “no.”
Penny: That is the sickest thing I’ve ever heard.
Leonard: Come on, you’re trying to have sex with your father, and I’m okay with that.
Scene: Penny’s front door.
 
Penny: Get out!
Leonard: She said shush. I should have shushed. (Enters apartment. Sheldon and Beverley are inside duetting on Journey’s “Any Way You Want It” on Rock Star.)
 
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard: All right, Mother. Um, have a nice flight.
Beverley: That’s not really in my control, is it? Oh, uh, yes (gives him a very uncomfortable hug.)
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, good morning.
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: Look, I was just coming over to talk to you.
Leonard: You don’t have to. Ever.
Penny: Gotcha.
Leonard: Good-bye, Mother.
Beverley: Good-bye, Leonard. So, Slugger, shall we pick up where we left off last time?
Slight time shift.
 
Penny (in tears): I mean, my mom could’ve just said, “Bob, get over it, she’s a girl, move on.” But she didn’t. Not one word.
Beverley: Interesting. Would you be willing to fly to New Jersey and discuss your relationship with your parents during a brain scan?
Penny: Would it help?
Beverley: Well, it would help me.
Scene: The paintball range.
Howard: That was close.
Raj: God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.
Howard: Yeah, still funny, Raj.
Leonard: There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.
Howard: But what about the creek bed?
Sheldon: The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.
Raj: Well, that’s it then, we’re doomed.
Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.
Howard: I told you my mom has spider veins, I had to take her to the laser clinic.
Sheldon: And I told you I wanted to see a doctor’s note.
Raj: We need a plan. How about Operation Hammer of the Gods?
Leonard: I forget. Which one is Hammer of the Gods?
Raj: We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee.
Howard: No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.
Leonard: No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky.
Sheldon: All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.
Howard: Why don’t I run away and you cover me?
Sheldon: Because you chose your mother’s veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go!
Howard: I had to take her! It’s almost bathing suit weather!(Another player bursts through the door)
I surrender! Don’t shoot! They went that way!
Leslie: Howard, I’m on your team.
Howard: Oh, Leslie, thank God.
Leslie: Where’s the rest of your squad?
Howard: Ah, they left me here to die. What about yours?
Leslie: Dead, all of them.
Howard: Sorry.
Leslie: Don’t be. It was friendly fire. They just wouldn’t listen.
Howard: Well, we’re surrounded, so I guess there’s nothing for us to do but wait to be captured or killed.
Leslie: Hmm, that’s the worst part, the waiting.
Howard: All the while knowing that there’s a paint pellet out there with your name on it.
Leslie: Yeah, the big wet ball of death. Kind of makes you feel more alive, doesn’t it?
Howard: It kind of does.
Leslie: I say we make every moment count.
Howard: I agree. How exactly do we do that? (Leslie kisses him)
Leonard (voice): Howard, why aren’t you covering us? We’re getting slaughtered out here!
Howard: War is hell.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning?
Leonard: Yeah, more cutbacks.
Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.
Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.
Leslie: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey, Leslie.
Howard: Hey.
Leslie: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
Howard: That’s great, Leslie. Thanks.
Leslie: You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Rawr.
Raj: What was all that about?
Howard: Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow!
Sheldon: I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.
Leonard: Are you done?
Sheldon: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. Now I’m done.
Raj: You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking Howard wasn’t making a back-scratching metaphor. I’m thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
Leonard: What about it, Howard?
Howard: Okay, I didn’t want to say anything ’cause I know you and Leslie have a little history.
Leonard: I don’t care about that.
Howard: Great, ’cause I’ve been dying to say something.
Leonard: You and Leslie?
Howard: In the paintball shed! Twice!
Sheldon: Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?
Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.
Howard: Court-martial, schmort-martial, Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I’ve ever had sex with. I mean, for free.
Raj: And plus, you got a rapid prototyper. That’s an expensive piece of equipment, dude.
Leonard: And the rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
Howard: Okay, one way to look at this is that I’m getting new equipment, and you’re not, and that’s unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I’m getting sex and you’re not, and that’s delightful.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is looking at Penny’s laptop.
Penny: The whole thing froze. I don’t know what happened.
Leonard: Calm down. We’ll figure it out.
Penny: How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon: No, I’m going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then what difference does it make?
Sheldon: What difference does it make?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Don’t sit in his spot.
Penny: Fine. (Moves) Happy?
Sheldon: I’m not unhappy.
Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.
Leonard: Okay, that should do it.
Penny: Oh, thank you. You are a lifesaver.
Leonard: That’s a lot of shoes you ordered.
Penny: Yeah, you know the sad thing is, it’s really not. Ooh, is this one of those paintball guns?
Leonard: Yeah. You ought to come out with us sometime.
Penny: Oh, no, thanks. I’m from Nebraska. When we shoot things, it’s because we want to eat them or make them leave our boyfriends alone. (Gun goes off and shoots three paint pellets onto Sheldon’s spot.)
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Leslie: Boy, your heart’s racing. I must’ve really gotten you going.
Howard: Well, it’s partly you, partly my transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leslie: Sexy.
Howard: Can I assume that you likewise found the experience…
Leslie: Satisfactory?
Howard: That wasn’t quite the word I was looking for, but sure, I’ll do this pass-fail.
Leslie: Hey, are you enjoying that prototyper I got you?
Howard: Oh, it’s great. Everybody in the Engineering Department is eating their hearts out.
Leslie: Isn’t it nice when your good fortune makes others miserable?
Howard: You know, most people don’t get that.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, I’m home!
Howard: Oh, great.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Book club was cancelled! That thing on Phyllis’s neck opened up again!
Howard: I’m busy, Ma!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Too busy to help your mother with her zipper?
Howard: Don’t come in, Ma!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Why not?
Leslie: He’s got company!
Howard: Oh, there’s the arrhythmia.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Is she Jewish?
Howard: Are you Jewish?
Leslie: No.
Howard: Yes!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Okay, then you kids have fun! Use protection!
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is trying to wash the paint off Sheldon’s seat.
Penny: You think he’ll notice?
Leonard: There’s a chance.
Penny: Oh, what are we gonna do?
Leonard: We? No, no, no, you had your chance to be we for, like, a year and a half now. Right now, you are you, and you are screwed.
Penny: Why do we have to tell him I did it?
Leonard: Well, we’re not gonna tell him I did it.
Penny: Okay, okay, how about this? We tell him somebody broke in.
Leonard: Just to shoot the couch with a paintball gun?
Penny: I’m sorry, I buy it. All those people are on drugs.
Leonard: We could tell him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend.
Penny: Okay, fine. Well, what if we just flip it over? There. Looks fine, right?
Leonard: Mm, butt print. There’s no discernible butt print.
Penny: Oh, come on. (Sits and wriggles around) There, butt print.
Leonard: It’s too small and too perfect.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: You’re welcome.
Penny (as Sheldon enters): Shh! Act normal.
Leonard: Sheldon! How was the comic book store?
Sheldon: Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.
Leonard: Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly.
Sheldon: Koothrappali picked me up.
Leonard: Isn’t that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is?
Sheldon: They don’t talk incessantly for no particular reason.
Leonard: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
Penny: You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair.
Leonard: Don’t you dare, missy.
Sheldon: Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel right.
Leonard: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, that. Penny did that.
Scene: The same. Everyone is eating. Sheldon is perched on the back of Leonard’s chair. He keeps making moaning noises. Saying “Excuse me” he tries moving back to his spot, but the cushion is not there. He tries perching on the arm in various positions.
Leonard: Why don’t you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon: Why don’t I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard: Wackadoodle.
Howard: You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”?
Leonard: If it were your head, it would be.
Penny: Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through.
Sheldon: You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.
Leonard: Oh, for God’s sake, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin, now how about we try a bouffant?”
Howard (after his phone rings): Ooh, looks like I’m gonna have sex tonight. Hey, baby…
Penny: His right hand is calling him?
Leonard: No, it’s Leslie Winkle. It’s a long story.
Howard: I’ll pick you up in ten minutes. Gentlemen, adieu.
Leonard: I thought we were going to play Halo tonight.
Howard: What am I supposed to do, Leonard? There’s a woman out there anxious to have sex with me. You understand, right?
Penny: No. Not at all.
Howard: Nevertheless, I must depart. By the way, did I tell you? Leslie pulled some strings and got me on the research trip to Geneva to check out the CERN Supercollider.
Leonard: That’s not fair. You’re not even a physicist.
Howard: Okay, there are two ways of looking at this…
Leonard: Get out.
Howard: Bye.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Leslie: You’re improving.
Howard: Thank you. It helps when I get to practice with a real woman.
Leslie: Hey, listen. Saturday my sister’s getting married. I.. I want you to come with me. It’s black tie.
Howard: Yeah, gee, I’d really rather not.
Leslie: Why not?
Howard: When I go to weddings, it’s to scam on chunky bridesmaids. I don’t know what I would do with a date.
Leslie: Oh, all right. I understand.
Howard: Thanks.
Leslie: Hey, I’m really sorry about that Geneva trip.
Howard: What about it?
Leslie: Oh, didn’t you hear? I had to reduce the number of people going, and you didn’t make the cut.
Howard: When did that happen?
Leslie: About 12 seconds ago.
Howard: Well, hold on. Are you saying if I don’t go to the wedding, I can’t go to Geneva?
Leslie: Actually, I’m trying not to say it.
Howard: Okay, I’m sorry, but that makes me a little uncomfortable.
Leslie: How so?
Howard: Because it’s like you’re controlling me with new equipment and research trips.
Leslie: Well, if I weren’t controlling you with new equipment and research trips, then I’d be uncomfortable.
Howard: How so?
Leslie: ‘Cause then we’d be in, like, a real relationship with feelings and all that crap.
Howard: So, bottom line, I’m just a bought-and-paid-for sex toy.
Leslie: No. No, not at all. You’re also arm candy. So? What do you think?
Howard: Hey, Ma, you got to rent me a tux!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there?
Scene: The apartment
Leonard: Why are you crouching there?
Sheldon: This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch?
Leonard: I don’t know. Texas?
Penny (arriving with cushion): Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.
Leonard: Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new.
Sheldon: From that key maker, I highly doubt it.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero.
Sheldon: There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.
Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
Sheldon: Nope.
Penny: What do you mean, nope? What’s wrong with it?
Leonard: Nothing, it’s what’s wrong with him.
Penny: It’s exactly the same…
Leonard: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
Sheldon: More?
Leonard: I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights?
Sheldon: Yes. From Szechuan Palace.
Leonard: Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
Sheldon: What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Leonard: Golden Dragon.
Sheldon: No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.
Leonard: Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Sheldon: But. Oh, this changes everything.
Leonard: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
Sheldon: What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up, right?
Leonard: Oh, God, I wish I had.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, buddy?
Sheldon: I still don’t like this cushion.
Scene: The paint ball range.
Leonard: Okay, first of all, Penny, thank you for coming.
Penny: Thanks for the shoes.
Leonard: Penny is an amazing shot. I think we have a real chance to win this week.
Howard: What’s the plan?
Leonard: Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight.
Sheldon: Right, just one thing before we start.
Leonard: What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny)
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon: That was for my cushion.
Leonard: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.
Penny: Screw that. (Shoots Sheldon)
Sheldon: She can’t shoot me. She’s dead.
Leonard: He’s right. You can’t. (Shoots Sheldon)
Sheldon: Well, if we’re going to descend into anarchy (Shoots Leonard)
Howard: Okay, see you.
Leonard: Where are you going?
Leslie: Surrender, then Denny’s.
Scene: The Apartment
Howard: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six torque screwdriver.
Sheldon: Stop. We can’t do this, it’s not right.
Raj: Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon: But once you open the box, you’ve voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we’ve entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard: Okay, then we won’t touch the hard drive. We’ll just erase the first season of Battlestar.
Sheldon (ripping off sticker): There. We’re outlaws.
Penny (entering with a pink suitcase): Here you go, Leonard. Is this going to be big enough?
Leonard: It’s perfect.
Howard: For taking daffodils to your unicorn.
Leonard: It’s just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.
Penny: Oh, I love San Francisco. I wish I was going with you.
Sheldon: I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the nonequilibrium Green’s function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.
Penny: When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable cars.
Leonard: This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.
Penny: Oh, my God, the George Smoot?
Leonard: You’ve heard of him?
Penny: Of course I haven’t.
Sheldon: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.
Penny: It’s kind of a funny name, though, Smoot.
Sheldon: It’s like talking to a chimp.
Penny: Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.
Leonard: Yeah, I wish.
Sheldon: We’re not flying, we’re taking the train.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard: Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying, and costs almost twice as much.
Penny: Well, then why are you doing it?
Leonard: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train.
Sheldon: Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Hey, we’re all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You want to come?
Sheldon: Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.
Leonard: Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take?
Sheldon: Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.
Leonard: Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.
Sheldon: I don’t follow.
Leonard: I wouldn’t expect you to. I’ll see you later.
Sheldon: Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.
Scene: On the train.
Sheldon: What on earth are you doing?
Raj: Whatever it is, I’m guessing we’re doing it wrong.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.
Howard: Come on, Raj.
Raj: What’s wrong with Jiffy Lubes?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?
Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.
Sheldon: Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.
Raj: It’s not so bad, really. At least these trains have modern plumbing. In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks to the chilly air of Rajasthan.
Sheldon: He is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways’ magnificent Ranakpur Express and its twelve hundred kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.
Leonard: Oh, look, now he’s boring on an international scale.
Raj: Holy crap! Look!
Leonard: Is that who I think it is?
Howard: It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?
Leonard: Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator.
Sheldon: Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!
Leonard: At least he’s off the train crap.
Sheldon: Whee!
Howard: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I’ve actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Raj: Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you’ve got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Howard: You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: My money’s on tuck and roll.
Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.
Howard: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.
Sheldon: All right.
Howard: That’s Summer Glau.
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: That’s it.
Raj: Hang on a sec. Why do you get first crack at her?
Howard: Um, well, let’s see, couple reasons. One, I saw her first.
Raj: No, you didn’t. I did.
Howard: Fair enough. But then let me move on to number two, unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I’m sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying, pasty and frail never fail.
Leonard: Excuse me, but what about me? Why don’t I get a shot?
Howard: Fine, go ahead. Take a shot.
Leonard: You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.
Raj: Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol?
Sheldon: Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…
Raj: Yeah-yeah, which way?
Sheldon: and the upper level is a bar that offers wine tastings if you’re going as far as Portland.
Leonard: So aren’t you going to go talk to her?
Howard: I will, I’m just working on my opening line.
Leonard: She’s probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don’t you just try hello?
Howard: No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.
Leonard: You’re going to need more than 11 hours.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Leonard: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I forgot my flash drive.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So we have to go back.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive.
Sheldon: You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.
Leonard: Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot?
Sheldon: It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.
Leonard: So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back.
Sheldon: Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.
Leonard: Right. Of course.
Sheldon: Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.
Leonard: Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.
Sheldon: You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train)
Leonard: Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go.
Time Shift.
 
Howard (steeling himself to talk to Summer Glau, to himself): It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed?
Sheldon: Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.
Leonard: I’ve got a better idea.
Sheldon: Are you going to be sarcastic?
Leonard: Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?
Sheldon: But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: The key is hidden in my room.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: Penny would have to go into my room.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: People don’t go in my room!
Leonard: I see. Well, it seems once again, you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Sheldon: Oh, I hate when that happens.
Howard (to self): It’s hot in here. It must be Summer. It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. It’s hot in here. Must be Summer.
Raj (walking past and straight up to Summer Glau): It’s hot in here. Must be Summer.
Summer: That’s cute.
Raj: Really? I just made it up. Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?
Summer: Oh, yeah, I loved it.
Raj: It’s loosely based on my life.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is on the phone.
Penny: Yeah, we’re putting the play on for one night in this little 99-seat theatre. Can you come? Oh, great. Do you know 98 other people that might want to come? Oh, hang on. (Switches to another line) Hello?
Sheldon (on phone): Listen carefully. I’m about to give you a set of instructions, which you must follow to the letter.
Penny: Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello?
Sheldon: Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?
Penny: Your dresser? Who is this?
Sheldon: It’s Sheldon.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?
Sheldon: I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?
Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what’s up?
Sheldon: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be…
Leonard: Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It’s Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
Leonard: He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour.
Sheldon: Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.
Penny: Oh, hang on, Sheldon, getting another call.
Sheldon: No! Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.
Raj: And that bright little star peeking her head out early today, that’s Venus.
Summer: That is so cool. You really know a lot about space.
Raj: Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space.
Summer: You’re not one of those guys who really believe that, are you?
Raj: You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No. Those are crazy people. Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these. Now, him, he’s one of those geeks.
Sheldon: All right, now, before you enter my bedroom unescorted, I need you to understand that this onetime grant of access does not create a permanent easement. Easement. It’s a legal right
of access. Good grief. What? No, don’t put me on hold. Oh!
Howard: Do you believe him? Normally around women, he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he’s M. Night Charmalarmalon.
Leonard: Is that what he’s drinking? It’s not even real beer.
Howard: What?
Leonard: Look at it. Non-alcoholic beer.
Howard: What’s going on?
Leonard: I don’t know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.
Howard: Placebo, you say. Interesting.
Sheldon: Yes, I’m still here. Where am I going? I’m on a train. Now, what you’ll be looking for is a small wooden box located between a Hoberman’s sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite. Hoberman’s Sphere. It’s a collapsible icosidodecahedron. No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock.
Raj: Actually, in India, the names of constellations are different. Where you have the Big Dipper, we have the Big Curry Pot.
Summer: You’re making that up.
Raj: You got me. Now what are you going to do with me?
Howard: Raj.
Raj: Yes?
Howard: Look.
Raj: What am I looking at?
Howard: You tell me.
Raj: Non-alcoholic bee-ee-eeuh (Runs off)
Howard: Hi, I’m the small package good things come in.
Penny: Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters.
Sheldon: That’s the wrong box. Put it back.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Sheldon: Don’t read those letters!
Penny: Oh, look, she calls you Moon Pie. That is so cute.
Sheldon: Put down the letters!
Leonard: Hey, Penny. It’s Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. How’s the train ride?
Leonard: Delightful. Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming on the corners of Sheldon’s mouth.
Penny: Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: I’m back.
Penny: What up, Moon Pie?
Sheldon: Nobody calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw!
Leonard: Hey, Penny. Leonard again.
Howard: So anyway, in the dream, you and I were ice skating, just the two of us. And then, I picked you up by your ankles and twirled you round and round until your legs tore off. I tried to stick them back on, but before I could, you turned into a giant loaf of pumpernickel bread. What do you think that means?
Summer (uncomfortable): I really don’t know.
Howard: I’ll give you a little clue. My favourite sandwich? Salami on pumpernickel.
Summer: Is that so?
Howard: And did you know the word “pumpernickel” comes from the German words pumper and nickel, which loosely translates to fart goblin?
Summer: No. I didn’t.
Penny: Okay, I found the box. Now what?
Sheldon: You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.
Penny: Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
Sheldon: No, it’s a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Now, did you hear the click?
Penny: Not yet. (Puts box on ground and stomps on it)There it is.
Howard: Okay, here’s another one. If you married the famous rock guitarist Johnny Winter, you’d be Summer Winter.
Summer: Uh-huh.
Howard: Okay, I’m going to just go for broke here and say I like you.
Summer: Yeah?
Howard: So here’s my question, do you realistically see any conversational path that would take me from where we are right now to a place where I could ask you out and you’d say yes?
Summer: No.
Howard: Fair enough. I’ll leave you in peace.
Summer: Thank you.
Howard: But before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page?
Summer: Sure.
Howard: Okay. Great. Now, can I take one where it looks like we’re making out?
Sheldon: Okay, now you’re going to insert the flash drive into the USB port. She calls me Moon Pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up, now, please put the flash drive in the USB port. The one that looks like a little duck’s mouth.
Leonard: Hey, how’d it go?
Howard: Terminator broke my phone.
Leonard: Excuse me. (Goes down to Summer) Okay, I’ll be honest with you. I’ve just spent the last two hours imagining various scenarios in my head, trying to come up with some clever line to say to you. But then I finally realized you’re a human being; I’m a human being. I could just say to you…
Announcer: Next stop: Santa Barbara.
Summer: I’m sorry. This is me.
Leonard: Hi, my name’s Leonard.
Scene: The conference.
Sheldon: So, I’m thinking, you won the Nobel Prize what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of what has Smoot done lately? My thought is we continue my research as a team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical, and when we win the Nobel Prize, you’ll be back on top.
George Smoot: With all due respect, Dr. Cooper, are you on crack?
Sheldon: Fine! Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Knight to queen’s bishop-five.
Howard: Oh, very nice. What’s Leonard going to do? Does he give up the pawn or does he give up the position?
Raj: Let’s find out. Leonard, ready?
Leonard: Ready.
Raj: Go. (Leonard sprays an aerosol which lights up laser beams. He tries to negotiate the beams as Howard and Raj sing dramatic music. Eventually he touches one of the beams and a buzzer sounds.)
Leonard: Damn it. I slipped.
Howard: Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up.
Sheldon: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, Penny has a don’t knock on my door before eleven o’clock  or I punch you in the throat rule.
All: Ah.
Howard: Hey, you know what’d be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play Laser Obstacle Strip Chess.
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don’t want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Sheldon stands looking at his watch with his hand poised to knock. At the right moment he starts knocking.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s eleven am.
Penny: I know. You’re safe.
Sheldon: This package came while you were at work.
Penny: Oh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You have to sign this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones.
Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penny: It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing.
Sheldon: Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business.
Sheldon: Obviously, not a cleaning business.
Penny: No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156.
Sheldon: Good for you. Sign here.
Penny: Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore.
Sheldon: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?
Penny: Another waitress.
Sheldon: What’s her name?
Penny: I don’t know.
Sheldon: And you’re going to let her handle my food?
Penny: Nancy. Her name is Nancy.
Sheldon: I think you’re just making that up.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life.
Leonard: Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.
Penny: Fine, cheeseburger.
Sheldon: Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.
Penny: So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right?
Sheldon: How many of these can you make a day?
Penny: About twenty.
Sheldon: And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?
Penny: I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure.
Sheldon: No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.
Penny: That’s all?
Sheldon: Before taxes.
Penny: Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff.
Sheldon: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.
Penny: And you know about that stuff?
Sheldon: Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who’s Radiohead?
Sheldon: I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.
Penny: Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?
Sheldon: Of course I could.
Penny: Sheldon, wait! Will you?
Sheldon: Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?
Penny: I understand.
Sheldon: And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.
Penny: Oh, imagine that.
Sheldon: Sarcasm. Good-bye.
Penny: No, sorry. Wait! Please come back!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is making a barette. Sheldon is timing her.
 
Penny: There. Done.
Sheldon: All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds.
Penny: Pretty good, right?
Sheldon: That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.
Penny: A day?
Sheldon: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.
Penny: That just can’t be right.
Sheldon: You’re questioning my math?
Penny: No, sorry.
Sheldon: Want me to show my work?
Penny: Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it.
Sheldon: All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.
Penny: Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending.
Sheldon: That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.
Penny: All right, fine. How are we supposed to set up machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?
Sheldon: You’re thinking of the moving assembly line, an understandable but not excusable mistake. No. The moving assembly line, that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908. That innovation is what made possible our modern consumer culture by enabling a low-unit cost for manufactured goods. I guess that isn’t one of the topics discussed on your Radiohead.
Scene: The apartment
 
Leonard: Let’s go. We’re going to miss the coming attractions.
Raj: What’s the matter?
Howard: I think I bruised a testicle capturing that last pawn.
From Penny’s apartment they hear Penny and Sheldon singing “Blow the man down.” They enter to find Sheldon and Penny working together on the barettes.
 
Leonard: Hello?
Penny & Sheldon together: Hello. (They resume singing and working)
Leonard: W-W-Wait, what’s going on?
Sheldon: I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.
Penny: Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.
Leonard: Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.
Sheldon: Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)
Howard: Hold on. What are you using as a bonding agent?
Sheldon: Hot glue.
Howard: You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.
Sheldon: It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.
Leonard: What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?
Sheldon: Intriguing.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?
Penny: Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town.
Sheldon: Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.
Howard: Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.
Leonard: She’d need some kind of industrial cooling system.
Sheldon: Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
Penny: Yeah, it’s a bitch.
Howard: Uh, I’ve seen this before.
Leonard: Where?
Howard: It’s a common stripper problem. They dance, they sweat, they clump.
Penny: Ew.
Leonard: Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?
Howard: Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work.
Sheldon: Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve?
Leonard & Howard: Oh!
Penny: I’ve got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen.
Sheldon: Wow.
Leonard: Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.
Penny: Well, what’s wrong with my apartment?
Sheldon: It’s not my apartment.
Penny: Wait, wait, what am I going to do?
Leonard: Uh, hey, it’s your business. Do whatever you want.
Penny: Oh, okay, cool. I’m going to take a nap.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’m still tweaking things a little bit, but this will give you the general idea of the Web site. So, what do you guys think?
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Uh, pretty much any way I say that is going to hurt his feelings.
Leonard: Okay, what’s wrong with it?
Sheldon: – What’s wrong with it?
Leonard: Not you. I wasn’t asking you. Penny?
Penny: Uh, well, it’s a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.
Leonard: No, it doesn’t.
Howard: Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators.
Sheldon: Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.
Leonard: You want to fire me?
Sheldon: What I want is irrelevant. This is Penny’s decision. Penny?
Leonard: Excuse me, but if I did such a bad job then why do we already have orders?
Penny: We do?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Look. Mrs. Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two.
Penny: No kidding. Two?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Look at the comments.
Penny: Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet.
Sheldon: Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.
Penny: How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?
Howard: We add Bluetooth!
Sheldon: Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.
Penny: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
Sheldon: Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth.
Leonard: Holy crap. Someone just ordered a thousand Penny Blossoms.
Penny: Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?
Leonard: The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau.
Sheldon: Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.
Howard: And I’ll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.
Sheldon: We should get to work.
Penny: Wait, wait, wait, why does it say one-day rush? Since when do we offer a one-day rush?
Leonard: Amazon offers one-day rush.
Penny: Yeah, but they don’t have to glue the books together. How the hell are we going to make a thousand Penny Blossoms in one day?
Leonard: Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design.
Penny: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Penny: I just don’t see how see can pull this off.
Sheldon: Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
Howard: They didn’t quit. They were massacred by, like, a gazillion angry Mexicans.
Sheldon: Alright, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night’s work.
Penny: You guys get started.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: Going online to buy shoes!
Scene: The same, later. Sheldon and Penny are making barettes, singing “She’ll be coming round the mountain.”
Raj: You know, if I wanted to spend my Saturday nights doing this, I could have stayed in India.
Howard: Oh, stop with the fake third world crap. Your father’s a gynaecologist, and you had a house full of servants.
Raj: We only had four servants. And two of them were children.
Leonard: How are we doing?
Raj: We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.
Howard: Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?
Sheldon: I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!
Penny: Nicely done.
Sheldon: Thank you. You hear any union talk, you let me know.
Time shift
Leonard (singing): Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah…
Howard (reluctantly singing): Someone’s in the kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow
Penny (singing): Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Sheldon? Sheldon! (nudges him)
Sheldon (waking up, singing): ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store.
Penny: Honey, do you want some coffee?
Sheldon: No, I don’t drink coffee.
Penny: Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.
Penny: Leonard, help.
Leonard: Sheldon, we still have 380 of these things to make.
Sheldon: I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail.
Sheldon: You’re right, of course.
Penny: Here, this will help.
Sheldon: Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.
Time shift
Sheldon: Look at Planck’s Constant. People say it’s arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let’s reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that’s not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we’re being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let’s call it universe prime, there’s another Sheldon, let’s call him Sheldon prime…
Penny: We should have let him go to bed.
Leonard: Bam.
Time shift
Leonard: I can’t believe we actually did it.
Howard: 1,000 friggin’ Penny Blossoms.
Penny: I just want you guys to know I am really grateful for your help, and for every dollar I make, I’m going to give you 20 cents.
Howard: That’s your entire profit margin.
Penny: Oh. Then never mind.
Leonard: I’ll print out the shipping label. Uh-oh.
Penny: What?
Leonard: We got an e-mail from the East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance. They want another thousand Penny Blossoms.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: One-day rush. I really need to take that off the Web site.
Penny: Okay, well. Guess we’d better get started.
Howard: You can’t be serious.
Penny: Come on. What about the living organism of the workforce and the American spirit and Jiminy Crockett at the Alamo?
Leonard: Davy Crockett. Jiminy Crockett was a cricket.
Penny: Yes, yes, I know that, okay? I’m tired, I’ve had like 18 cups of coffee. The point is, if we all just pull together, we can do this. Who’s with me?
Howard: Penny, although you may find it hard to believe, we do have lives.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Sorry. My apologies to the gay community of East Rutherford, New Jersey.
Sheldon (entering dressed as The Flash): Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where’s the coffee?
Penny: We’re all out.
Sheldon: No problem. I’ll be back before this banana hits the ground. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom!
Scene: The apartment. Raj is negotiating the laser beams. Sheldon and Howard are singing dramatically.
 
Raj (reaching the other side): Yes! (He takes a slice of pizza)
Howard: Sorry, guys, but Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Lunch is just stupid.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, it’s done. Look, guys, for the future, I don’t mind killing the big spiders, but you have to at least try with the little ones.
Sheldon: Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not that bad.
Sheldon: Not bad? It’s horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it’ll happen to you.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings, get over it. New topic, please.
Howard: All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So, there is a number.
Penny: Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?
Leonard: Shh-shh-shh!
Sheldon: What?
Penny: The people upstairs are moving out.
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: The horror!
Leonard: Why would you just say something like that?
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no, no…
Penny: How else was I supposed to say it?
Leonard: Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while.
Sheldon: The horror!
Penny: Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine.
Sheldon: No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.
Penny: Okay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.
Penny: Well, I’m sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can’t know that. How can you possibly know that?
Penny: You’re right, I can’t. You know what? Anyone could rent that apartment now, an opera singer, the cast of stomp, yeah, a tap-dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn’t go for it.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, that’s a great idea.
Leonard: What?
Howard: I’ll take the apartment upstairs. I can finally get away from my mother, and we can all spend some more time together, if you catch my drift.
Penny: The horror!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house.
Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?
Leonard: I’m sorry, that really is how it works.
Sheldon: You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get?
Leonard: Raj, help me out here.
Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.
Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely  PS3, who would pick a mountain bike?
Howard (voice from inside): Enough with the guilt, ma, we’ll still see each other. I’ll come over every night and have dinner with you.
Howard’s Mother (voice): The hell you will! What am I running here, a fancy restaurant? Does this look like Olive Garden?
Howard (voice): Okay, I get it, you’re angry. You don’t want to see your little bird leave the nest.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Little bird? You’re almost 30, fly, for god’s sake!
Howard (voice): Fine, I’ll stay! You happy, crazy lady? I sure as hell hope so, because you’re ruining my life!
Leonard (into phone): Hey, Penny, it’s Leonard. Good news, you can take your head out of the oven.
Sheldon (removing hernia support): I guess I won’t be needing this.
Scene: The lobby, there are boxes everywhere and removal men are carrying them up the stairs.
Sheldon: Oh, no, the new ones, they’re here.
Leonard: Stay calm, we don’t know anything about them yet. What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?
Leonard: The box says kitchen.
Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write cocaine on the box?
Blonde girl (arriving): Hello?
Leonard: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Blonde Girl: Hello.
Leonard: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Blonde Girl: I’m Alicia. I’m moving in upstairs.
Leonard: That is so great. Oh, I’m Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment.
Alicia: That’s nice.
Leonard: Yeah, it is.
Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.
Alicia: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?
Alicia: Freakishly feline?
Sheldon: Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer?
Alicia: No.
Leonard: You’re making her uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?
Alicia: What?!
Sheldon: I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.
Alicia: I have no immediate plans.
Sheldon: If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?
Alicia: Pro?
Sheldon: Alicia?
Alicia: Yes?
Sheldon: Welcome to the building.
Scene: The stairs
Alicia:Thanks so much for helping me, Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to help.
Penny (exiting apartment): Oh, hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. this is Alicia, our new neighbour.
Penny: Hi.
Alicia: Hi.
Leonard: I’m helping.
Penny: I can see.
Sheldon: Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her.
Alicia: Cool t-shirt.
Penny: Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging.
Sheldon: You don’t jog.
Penny: I can start.
Sheldon: True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.
Penny: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome, Penny.
Alicia: Please, you look cute. I’m dressed like a slob today, too.
Leonard: I think you look fantastic.
Alicia: This one’s a player, huh?
Penny: Oh, yeah, be careful.
Alicia: Thanks for the warning.
Penny: Okay.
Alicia: I’ll see you around.
Penny: See ya. I’m dressed like a slob today, too.
Sheldon: Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing on an imaginary board. There is a knock on the door.
Sheldon: Come.
Penny (entering): Hey.
Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.
Penny: Well, sort of.
Sheldon: How does one sort of…
Penny: I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.
Penny: Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?
Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.
Penny: Oh, they’re all up there, huh? Hmm, typical.
Sheldon: It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.
Penny: Okay, now I see the giant squid head. (Leaves)
Sheldon: Oh, great! now, I have to start all over again. (Rubs out imaginary workings)
Scene: Alicia’s apartment.
Howard: Yeah, I thought about renting this apartment, but I’m really more of a downtown loft kind of guy.
Alicia: Cool. so are you in a loft now?
Howard: Oh, actually I’m, uh, living with a woman in Altadena. Purely platonic, she’s also my maid.
Alicia: Sounds like a sweet deal.
Howard: I won’t lie, it’s pretty dope.
Penny (arriving): Hello?
Alicia: Oh, hey.
Penny: Hey, I just wanted to bring you a little housewarming gift.
Alicia: That is so sweet. Come on in, let’s open it.
Penny: Great.
Alicia: Nice dress.
Penny: Oh, this? I’m dressed like a slob today.
Alicia: The guys have been helping me set up my sound system. I’ve never had such good-looking technical support.
Howard: Oh, pish-posh. (Raj whispers to him) I don’t know, it means shucks. (Raj whispers again) Shucks means shucks. Let one go once in a while.
Leonard: Hey, uh, penny, you want to hear something awesome?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Alicia is an actress, just like you.
Penny: That is so awesome.
Alicia: Well, trying to be, but it’s so hard.
Penny: Yeah, I know, tell me about it.
Alicia: I’ve been out here three months, and all I’ve gotten is a couple of national commercials and this recurring thing on a soap.
Penny: That’s why I work at the Cheesecake Factory, I’m holding out for the right part.
Leonard: Alicia, what do you want as your default setting for DVDs, 5.1 Dolby or DTS?
Alicia: Whatever you think is best, cutie.
Leonard: Well, DTS has more low end, so… okay.
Penny: Uh, hey, guys, guys, you will really appreciate this, I read the best science joke on the internet. Alicia, you won’t get it, but it’s right up their alley. Anyway, so, this physicist goes into an ice cream parlour every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he’s doing. The man says, “well, I’m a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me.” The owner then says, “well, lots of single, beautiful women come in here every day, why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you?” And the physicist says, “yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?”
Leonard: It’s a little insulting, don’t you think?
Penny: How would I know? I’m not even sure I get it.
Alicia: Hey, Leonard? If you’re done with the DVD player, can you set up my printer?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, I’d love to.
Penny: Uh, hey, maybe when you’re done with her printer, you could set up mine. You know, like you promised a week ago.
Leonard: Yeah, I’ll get to it, don’t nag me.
Raj (drinking some wine): Hello there
Scene: The apartment. Penny walks in without knocking and collapses on the sofa.
 
Sheldon: Who is it? Oh hello, Penny, it’s open, come in. Sarcasm.
Penny: Well, they’re all still up there.
Sheldon: You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.
Penny: I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care.
Sheldon: You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
Penny: What are you saying, that I’m threatened by Alicia? That I’m like the old queen of the hive and it’s just time for me to go?
Sheldon: I’m just talking about bees. They’re on the discovery channel. What are you talking about?
Penny: Bees. Aaah! I just got that physicist joke.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Leonard: Gee, Penny, thanks for buying us dinner.
Howard: Yeah, what’s the occasion?
Penny: No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.
Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
Penny: Yes
Sheldon: Good. See how it’s done, Leonard?
Penny: So, what do we got going on tonight, huh? Playing Halo watching Battlestar, drop some mentos in diet coke?
Leonard: You want to watch Battlestar?
Penny: What can I say? I got my geek on, boys.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, no, PMS is different. (There is a knock on the door. Leonard answers it.)
 
Alicia: Oh, thank God you’re home. I need help.
Leonard: What’s wrong?
Alicia: I just got a callback to audition for CSI to play a hooker who gets killed.
Leonard: Oh, I’d watch that.
Alicia: But my car is in the shop, and I have to be at Universal in forty-five minutes.
Leonard: Okay, well, I’ll take you.
Alicia: Oh, you’re a lifesaver.
Howard: I’ll run lines with you in the car.
Alicia: Great. And afterward, I’ll take you all out for Chinese.
Penny: Oh, actually, that’s okay. we already have…
Howard: Yum. Starving.
Penny: …chinese food right here.
Sheldon: They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.
Penny: I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV?
Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.
Penny: Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.
Sheldon: May I interject something here?
Penny: Please.
Sheldon: You got the wrong mustard.
Scene: The laundry room.
 
Alicia: Hi.
Penny:
Alicia: Guess what? I got the part on CSI.
Penny: Oh boy.
Alicia: Something wrong?
Penny: Uh, no. No, no, no, you know, congratulations, I think you’ll make a great hooker.
Alicia: Thank you. Hey, I got to ask you something, how much do physicists make?
Penny: Um, I don’t know, I don’t think a lot.
Alicia: Yeah, that’s what I figured. Well, got to run, the guys promised to set up my satellite dish and paint my bedroom. Yay!
Penny: Um, hey, hey, can I talk to you about that for a second?
Alicia: About what?
Penny: Well, you know, it’s just that Leonard and Howard and Raj, they aren’t like other guys. They’re special.
Alicia: Okay, they’re special, and?
Penny: Oh, let’s see, how can I explain this, um, they don’t know how to use their shields.
Alicia: Shields?
Penny: Yeah, you know, like in Star Trek, when you’re in battle and you raise the shields? Where the hell did that come from? Anyways, um, you know how guys like this are, so, please don’t take advantage of them.
Alicia: Who says I’m taking advantage of them?
Penny: Come on, they’re doing everything for you, because you’re leading them on.
Alicia: So I let them do stuff for me. They’re happy. I get stuff. Who cares? And how’s it any different from what you do?
Penny: Excuse me?
Alicia: I’ve seen you around them. Are you pretending like you don’t do the exact same thing?
Penny: Okay, lady, you are way out of line.
Alicia: Oh, I’m out of line?
Penny: Yeah, you’re out of line.
Alicia: Well, what are you going to do about it, bitch?
Scene: Outside the building.
Raj: I like green lantern, I’m just saying it’s pretty lame that He can be defeated by the colour yellow.
Sheldon: Only the modern green lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
Leonard: Golden age green lantern was vulnerable to wood.
Raj: Great, so I can take them both out with a number-two pencil?
Howard: Oh, my God! Girl fight! (He grabs Leonard)
Leonard: What are you doing?
Howard: I know you. you’re stupid enough to break it up.
Scene: The apartment. Penny has a black eye.
 
Howard: May I say you look very comely tonight?
Penny: Thank you.
Howard: You’re right, this filly’s been broken.
Sheldon (as music comes down through ceiling): You set it on DTS, didn’t you?
Leonard: I had to, she called me cutie.
Howard: According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.
Penny: Well, dead whore on TV, live one in real life.
Sheldon: Oh, great now she’s jumping up and down on the bed.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hu-u-u-uh…. Hu-u-u-uh!
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: This is Thai food.
Howard: Here we go.
Sheldon: We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.
Leonard: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Sheldon: Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Howard: Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately.
Sheldon: Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.
Raj: I could go for some goat.
Leonard: Sheldon, we agreed we’d do something different tonight.
Sheldon: All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.
Raj: We went to the comic book store last night.
Sheldon: Last night was Wednesday. Wednesday is comic book night. Tonight, we’ll be going on Thursday, because it’s Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Leonard: Way to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon.
Raj: So what are we going to do tonight?
Howard: If I may proffer a suggestion, in bars all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies’ Night. Which means, as the evening progresses, we will get better looking courtesy of 99 cent margaritas and two-for-one Jell-O shots.
Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.
Howard: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?
Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?
Howard: Yeah, that one. You can modify it to calculate our chances of having sex by changing the formula to use the number of single women in Los Angeles, the number of those who might find us attractive, and what I call the Wolowitz Coefficient.
Raj: The Wolowitz Coefficient?
Howard: Neediness times dress size squared. Crunching the numbers, I come up with a conservative 5,812 potential sex partners within a 40-mile radius.
Leonard: You’re joking.
Howard: I’m a horny engineer, Leonard. I never joke about math or sex.
Raj: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s bounce, bitches.
Leonard: You’re right. It’s Anything Can Happen Thursday, let’s hit the clubs and meet hot women!
Raj: Here we go. Lock up your daughters! We’re going to hit it and quit it.
Leonard: Or we could finish eating and go to the comic book store.
Raj: Also a good plan.
Howard: Alright, but next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we’re definitely going to a bar.
Leonard: Oh, absolutely.
Raj: You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you!
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Credits sequence.
Penny: Oh hey, guys, where’re you headed?
Sheldon: To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Penny: You got me. While you’re there, could pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?
Sheldon: I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages.
Penny: Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?
Leonard: Sure. What does he like?
Penny: I don’t know, he’s 13. Just pick out anything.
Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.
Penny: Spider-Man. Get him Spider-Man.
Sheldon: Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?
Penny: Ugh, that’s what I was trying to avoid.
Sheldon: Oh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.
Scene: The comic book store.
 
Penny: Oh, what a cute, little store. Everybody’s staring at me.
Leonard: Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.
Penny: Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew?
Sheldon: A superb choice.
Penny: Oh, great.
Sheldon: Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.
Penny: What’s a multiverse?
Sheldon: Get her out of here.
Leonard: Come on, I’ll help you pick something.
Raj: That’s right. She’s with us. Guys like that are so pathetic.
Howard: Tell me about it. Look, a new Batman belt buckle.
Store clerk: Oh, hey, Leonard. Can I help you find something?
Leonard: Oh, hey, Stuart. This is Penny. She’s looking for some comic books.
Stuart: Oh, really. Blink twice if you’re here against your will.
Leonard: I think we’re fine, Stuart.
Stuart: Let me know if you need anything.
Penny: Thanks. He seems like a nice guy.
Leonard: You mean for someone who’s into comic books?
Penny: No, no, no, I just meant for… yeah.
Leonard: Penny, just because people appreciate comic books doesn’t make them weirdos. Stuart’s a terrific artist. He went to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Penny: What about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants?
Leonard: Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make.
(Howard and Sheldon are looking through a rack of comic books. Each says “Got it” in turn as they look past each book until they eventually reach the one in the middle when they both together grab the book and shout “Need it!”)
 
Howard: Let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why should I let it go? I saw it first.
Howard: Yes, but I saw it from the front.
Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.
Howard: Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection.
Sheldon: I need it for my Robin collection.
Howard: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?
Sheldon: Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.
Howard: You let go.
Sheldon: No, you!
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: Yes, he won’t let go of my comic book.
Howard: It’s my comic book!
Sheldon: Leonard, we need a ruling.
Leonard: Uh, cut it in half?
Penny: Excuse me.
Stuart: Hello again.
Penny: Hi. What would you recommend as a present for a 13-year-old boy?
Stuart: A 13-year-old girl. But if you’re dead set on a comic book, try this.
Penny: Oh, Hellblazer. What’s this about?
Stuart: A morally ambiguous confidence man who smokes, has lung cancer and is tormented by the spirits of the undead.
Penny: Well, if that doesn’t make me the favourite aunt, I don’t know what will. Is this me?
Stuart: Depends. Do you like it?
Penny: It’s really good.
Stuart: Yes, that’s you.
Penny: That’s so sweet, but what if I didn’t like it?
Stuart: It’d still be you, but I’d feel like an idiot.
Leonard: I don’t believe it. Stuart’s putting the moves on Penny.
Howard: I have got to learn how to draw. Hey!
Sheldon: Once again, defeated by your own prurient interests.
Raj: Guys, have you seen Stuart all up in Penny’s business over there?
Leonard: Nobody’s up in anybody’s business, let’s just buy our stuff and go.
Penny: Okay, you’ve got my number, now, give me the picture.
Stuart: You drive a hard bargain, but here.
Penny: All right. So, um, just give me a call.
Sheldon: So, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the comic book.
 
Sheldon: Look at that, that’s a dent. Thank you, Howard Ham-Fisted Wolowitz. Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard: When did you pick up on that?
Sheldon: A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?
Leonard: Sure, why not?
Sheldon: Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.
Leonard: Gee, thanks a lot.
Sheldon: Would you rather I offer my personal insight?
Leonard: I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy.
Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.
Leonard: You’re right, I really should be asking strangers on the Internet.
Sheldon: My original point.
Scene: The stairs.
 
Sheldon: Chinese food, vintage video games. After the nightmare of Anything Can Happen Thursday, this is Friday night the way it was meant to be.
Howard: Who’s up for Sheldon-Free Saturday?
Penny (coming out of apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard: Hey, Penny… and Stuart, hey Stuart.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Howard: So what are you kids up to?
Penny: Uh, Stuart has a piece in an art show that’s opening tonight.
Leonard: And you guys are going together, great…
Stuart: It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?
Penny: It’s Friday night, that means Chinese food and vintage video games, right?
Sheldon: Vintage doesn’t even begin to describe what we have planned. Tonight, we are playing the classic 1980 interactive text adventure, Zork. It’s the buggy beta version.
Penny: Wow, Zork. Well, you guys have fun.
Stuart: Yeah, see you guys.
Howard: See you, Stuart.
Leonard: Hey, Howard?
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: Take me to a bar with women.
Howard: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: Okay! Let me just go inside and slip off my underwear.
Leonard: Why?
Howard: Well, if I get lucky, I don’t want to be caught in my Aquaman briefs.
Leonard (to Raj): Do you…? (Raj checks his underwear) Let’s go.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: May I have a grasshopper with a little umbrella, please?
Howard: No, he may not.
Raj: Why?
Howard: I’m not sitting here with a guy drinking a grasshopper with a little umbrella.
Raj: Fine. I’ll have a chocolate martini.
Howard: Wrong again!
Raj: Come on, you know I can’t talk to women unless I’m lit up like the Hindu festival of Diwali.
Howard: Look, there are plenty of bars in Los Angeles where you can order grasshoppers and chocolate martinis, but you wouldn’t have to because there are no women in them.
Raj: Gotcha. I’ll have a Brandy Alexander.
Howard: All right, the Three Musketeers just became the Dynamic Duo.
Leonard: Should we talk to some of these women?
Howard: It’s way too early in the night for that. See, first we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak and the old and the lame.
Leonard: That’s your system?
Howard: That’s my system. Oh, and if you spot a chick with a Seeing Eye dog, she’s mine.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Oh come on. I think it’s nice that Captain Sweatpants showed up to your art opening.
Stuart: Yeah, it would have been nicer if he hadn’t touched all the cheese.
Penny: Um, you know, it’s kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something?
Stuart: Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it?
Penny: Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf.
Sheldon: Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Penny: Sheldon, we’re a little busy here, so…
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Stuart: We’re having coffee.
Sheldon: Isn’t it a little late for coffee?
Stuart: It’s okay. She thinks she has decaf.
Penny: I’ll just go look for it.
Stuart: What’s up?
Sheldon: Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.
Stuart: Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic?
Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.
Stuart: Ooh, Sheldon, I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.
Sheldon: Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative.
Penny: I found the decaf!
Stuart: Oh, great!
Sheldon: Yeah, herbal tea for me, please.
Scene: The bar.
Raj: Barkeep! Alexander me.
Leonard: How about those two?
Howard: Nah, they’re eating peanuts, and my allergies, one kiss would put me in Cedar-Sinai for a week.
Leonard: What about the ones in the corner?
Howard: Possible, very possible. Do you want the one in the whiplash collar or the one who keeps blinking?
Leonard: I think Blinky’s cute.
Howard: You got it, sir.
Leonard: Wait, so we just go over there?
Howard: No, we have a little prep work to do. Put this in your mouth. We walk past them, you stumble a bit. I say, sorry, my friend’s had a little too much, and then I start to pull it out of your mouth and say, a little too much fun. Get it? I mean, they’re laughing, we’re laughing, and then we get them up to about a .15 blood alcohol level, and tell them we’re millionaires.
Leonard: What else you got?
Howard: Depends. Are you willing to sit on my lap and pretend to be a ventriloquist dummy?
Leonard: No.
Howard: I can’t sit on your lap, you don’t know the routine.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Stuart: I’m sorry, but you’re obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe.
Sheldon: Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.
Stuart: Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right.
Sheldon: Au contraire.
Stuart: Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology.
Sheldon: I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.
Stuart: Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep.
Sheldon: So, I win.
Stuart: No, I’m tired.
Sheldon: So, I win.
Stuart: Fine. You win.
Sheldon: Darn tootin’, I win.
Stuart: Penny, I really had a terrific time. Penny?
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, don’t wake her. She’ll maul you like a rabid wolverine.
Stuart: You know, I don’t think that was decaf.
Scene: The bar.
Howard: Wait, is this your card or isn’t it? Trust me, this was their card.
Leonard: I thought you were good at this. You’re always talking about how you go to bars and meet women.
Howard: I do, all the time.
Leonard: Well, what happened? We’ve been sitting here all night and the longest conversation you’ve had with a woman was when your mom called.
Howard: Wow, you’re just going to make me come out and say it, aren’t you?
Leonard: Say what?
Howard: You’re weighing me down. I’m a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine. I’ll sit here. You take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t just tell a falcon when to hunt.
Leonard: Actually, you can. There’s a whole sport built around it. Falconry.
Howard: Shut up. Let’s just get Koothrappali and go. (They turn to see Raj with his tongue down the throat of a “larger lady” by the bar.) Lucky bastard. It’s got to be that stupid accent of his. (To a girl nearby) Hello. I am Sanjay Wolowitz from Bombay. Okay, I’m stumped.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. He wakes up clutched in the arms of the large lady. Tries to get away. She clutches him tighter. He shrugs and goes back to sleep.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Okay, are you from Star Wars universe?
Leonard: Yes
Howard: Were you in the original trilogy?
Leonard: Yes
Howard: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
Leonard: God, I hope not. And no, I’m not Princess Leia.
Raj: Oh, okay, okay, my turn. Are you in the six Star Wars movies?
Leonard: Yes
Raj: Interesting. Are you a Droid?
Leonard: Yes
Raj: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?
Leonard: Yes
Raj: C3PO.
Leonard: You got it.
Sheldon: That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.
Howard (phone rings): Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now.
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?
Leonard: No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.
Leonard: Alright, back to the game.
Sheldon: I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.
Raj: Are you Spock?
Sheldon: I don’t like this game.
Howard: So, where were we?
Raj: Aren’t you leaving for your booty call?
Howard: No, it was something else. Why does everything have to be about sex with you? Come on. Who’s turn is it?
Leonard: We were up to you.
Howard: Great, just start.
Leonard: Okay, let’s see. Are you from a TV series?
Howard: She dumped me!
Sheldon: I bet he’s someone from Babylon 5, we’re never going to guess.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A few moments later.
 
Raj: What happened with Leslie, why did she dump you?
Howard: I don’t know. She just said Howard, momma’s a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having  what appears be an emotional response?
Leonard: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
Howard: Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God’s sake!
Leonard: Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?
Howard: I don’t want to go anywhere.
Sheldon: You know, I’m given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. Where  you can replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Raj: Is it me, or was that Sheldon’s way of saying Vegas baby!
Leonard: I’ve never been there, have you?
Raj: Me? No. I just got Vegas baby from Vince Vaughn in Swingers. .
Howard: It could be fun. I know my weekend’s wide open, now that…
Leonard: Okay, then let’s do this, lets go to Las Vegas.
Howard: Now? Right now?
Leonard: Why not? People do things right now all the time. Why can’t we be right now people too. Go home, pack a bag and we’ll be right now people. I have to stop at the drug store to refill a prescription, but after that we’ll go right now.
Raj: What do you say, Howard?
Howard: I say Vegas baby!
Raj: What are you going to tell your mother?
Howard: Sea World, baby!
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, are you coming?
Sheldon: I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.
Leonard: Great, we’ll bring you back a tee-shirt.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: Thank you. Hello, neighbour.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: And how are you doing this fine evening?
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Good. I’m glad.
Penny: Really? Are you drunk?
Sheldon: I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
Penny: That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right?
Sheldon: Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.
Penny: Mmm, what smells so good?
Sheldon: That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.
Penny: Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening.
Sheldon: Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.
Penny: Have fun, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, I shall. (Sings Superman theme while searching his pockets.) No!
Penny: What’s wrong, Superman? Locked out of your big ice thingy?
Scene: A Vegas bathroom.
 
Raj: Look at this, mouthwash, lotion, body wash, shampoo and conditioner together in one tiny bottle. I love Las Vegas.
Leonard: Howard, could I borrow some after shave?
Howard: Black case, top compartment.
Leonard: That is a lot of cologne.
Howard: First row are your musks, second is wood, leathers and botanicals, third is assorted pheromones, tread lightly.
Raj (finding a large quantity of condoms): That’s the spirit, Howard. Yes, we can.
Leonard: Come on, let’s go.
Howard: You guys go ahead, I just have to finish up an email.
Leonard: That’s not an email, that’s Leslie’s facebook page.
Howard: Okay, fine, I’m checking her facebook page, look at her status update, she’s saying she dumped me, people need to know I dumped her.
Raj: But she did dump you.
Howard: Grow up, Raj,there’s no place for truth on the internet. Just go, I’ll catch up with you.
Leonard: Alright.
Raj: Oh, we should have a plan in case one of us gets lucky.
Leonard: Okay, uh, if I get lucky I’ll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and if you get lucky, I’ll sleep on the moon.
Raj: Sounds like a plan.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place.
Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.
Penny: Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is.
Sheldon: Where?
Penny: In your apartment.
Sheldon: What’s it doing in my apartment?
Penny: Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.
Sheldon: You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?
Penny: It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.
Sheldon: You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.
Penny: Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting.
Sheldon: Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: Sure, why not? And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek. ‘Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.
Scene: A bar at the Las Vegas Casino.
 
Leonard (to barmaid): Thanks.
Raj: I’m telling you, Leonard, video slot machines, free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid and all you can eat shrimp for $3.95. Disneyland can suck it. This is the real happiest place on earth.
Leonard (as he wins on his slot machine): Dude, check it out. That’s laundry for a month!
Woman (leaning over Raj): Hi.
Raj (taking a big gulp of his drink): Hello.
Woman: What’s your name?
Raj: Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
Woman: Hello Rajesh Ram… Hi, Rajesh, I’m Michaela.
Raj: Hello, Michaela.
Michaela: So, are you interested a little party?
Raj: Why, yes, I love to party. Party is my middle name. Or it would be, if it weren’t Ramayan.
Leonard: Uh, Raj, can I, can I talk to you for a moment.
Raj: Not now, Leonard, Michaela’s inviting me to a party. You better call the moon and you make sure that they have a bed for you.
Leonard: Yeah, I really need to talk to you.
Raj: Excuse me, I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t move. Just stay the beautiful unspoiled American flower that you are. (To Leonard) What’s wrong with you dude, that woman was all up in my jammy.
Leonard: Okay, I hate to break this to you and whatever your jammy is, but, I’m pretty sure she is a prostitute.
Raj: What? No. ..
Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, in your entire life, how many gorgeous women have walked straight up to you in a bar and asked if you wanted to party.
Raj: Maybe I can save her.
Leonard: Maybe, but I’m guessing it will cost you about $500 an hour to try.
Raj: It was lovely meeting you, best of luck in your future endeavours.
Michaela: Whatever.
Raj: Oh, I miss her already.
Leonard: Oh, Howard’s losing it. Check out his latest twitters. “I’m at the bottom of a black hole staring into the abyss. My life is meaningless, my future is without hope.”
Raj: Why don’t we take him to see the Blue Man Group?
Leonard: You think that’d help?
Raj: USA Today calls them exuberant fun for the whole family.
Leonard: I don’t know, Howard isn’t really the family fun kind of guy.
Raj: It’s too bad he wasn’t here for that hooker. She’s exactly his type. A hooker. You know, I bet if we hired her, that would cheer him up.
Leonard: We’re not going to get Wolowitz a hooker.
Raj (reading Howard’s twitter): “I’m so lonely and horny I may open this $20 jar of peanuts and end it all.”
Leonard: Suppose it wouldn’t hurt to get an estimate.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Sheldon: So, how was your day?
Penny: Are you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don’t have to.
Sheldon: No, it’s the accepted convention. How was your day?
Penny: Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are going to be a little different…
Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s not going to interest me at all, just eat.
Scene: The casino bar.
 
Raj: Hello again.
Michaela: Oh, hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, m, if you’re not busy, well, w-we were thinking you could… well, we were wondering…
Raj: If you’re really a prostitute.
Michaela: You guys cops?
Together: No.
Michaela: I am a prostitute.
Leonard: Okay, great. Um… uh, the thing is, we’ve got this friend, and he’s kind of down in the dumps, and we thought that maybe you could cheer him up.
Raj: With sex.
Leonard: I think she knows what I meant.
Raj: How can she when you beat around the bush. She’s from the mean streets where they shoot from the hip and keep it real.
Michaela: Don’t worry, I can take good care of your friend.
Leonard: Okay, terrific. Um, uh, listen, is there a way that we can do this where he doesn’t know that you’re a… you know…
Raj: Prostitute.
Michaela: You want the girlfriend experience.
Leonard: Yes, yeah, exactly, the girlfriend experience.
Raj: Uh, actually, if it’s not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Sheldon: Okay, that’s question 20, you have to guess.
Penny: Oh, God, I don’t know Sheldon, are you Star Wars?
Sheldon: How can one person be a whole movie?
Penny: Okay, I give up, can we just do something else?
Sheldon: Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?
Penny: Where did that even come from, did he say we were?
Sheldon: No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.
Penny: No, just mail, no benefits.
Sheldon: Hmm, I see.
Penny: Why are you asking?
Sheldon: I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.
Penny: Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship.
Sheldon: Can you?
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?
Penny: Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you.
Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?
Penny: Of course it’s making me uncomfortable, can’t you tell?
Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…
Penny: I’m uncomfortable, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very helpful.
Scene: The casino bar.
Howard: Alright, where are these amazing shrimp?
Leonard: Behold?
Howard: Seriously, you think this is the size of a baby’s arm?
Raj: A little baby.
Howard: I’m going back to the room.
Michaela (arriving): Boy, would it maybe kill them to put out a nice brisket?
Howard: Hi there, Howard Wolowitz.
Michaela: Esther Rosenblatt.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Penny: I don’t think the manager’s coming tonight so, here.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch.
Penny: Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with.
Sheldon: I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.
Penny: Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.
Sheldon: May I say one last thing.
Penny: Only if it doesn’t rhyme.
Sheldon: Alright. Goodnight.
Scene: The casino bar.
Michaela: Turn ons. Let me see. Reading a good book in front of the fire. Long walks on the beach. Getting freaky on the Sabbath with a bacon cheeseburger.
Howard: Really, me too.
Michaela: Oy gevalt, you’re hot.
Howard: Yeah. Excuse me for a moment.
Leonard: Hey, how’s it going.
Howard: Cut the crap, you set this up, didn’t you?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: She’s a hooker, isn’t she.
Raj: A prostitute, yes.
Howard: You already gave her the money?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Thank you!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I can’t sleep. how are you going?
Penny: Maybe that’s because your hole is still open.
Sheldon: I’m homesick.
Penny: Your home is twenty feet from here.
Sheldon: Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.
Penny: Damn it. What do you want me to do
Sheldon: Sing soft kitty.
Penny: That’s only for when you’re sick.
Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick.
Penny: Come on, do I really have to?
Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um…
Sheldon: Sleepy kitty.
Penny: Sleepy ki…
Sheldon: No. Start over.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here.
Penny: Oh, you’re welcome sweetie.
Sheldon: Okay, I’m sleepy now, get out.
Scene: The stairwell.
 
Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re finally home.
Leonard: What were you doing at Penny’s?
Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you’ll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits.
Scene: The comic book store.
 
Sheldon: Smell that? That’s the smell of new comic books. Oh, yes!
Howard: They’re on me today, boys.
Raj: You’re paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Howard: No, I’m celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Raj: Oh, get over yourself, it’s a high-tech toilet.
Leonard: Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go
where no man has gone before.
Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard: Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Raj: He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two.
Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.
Stuart: I didn’t spoil anything.
Sheldon: You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.
Stuart: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.
Stuart: Uh, hey, Leonard, can I talk to you about something?
Leonard: Oh, sure, what’s up?
Stuart: Remember I went out with your friend Penny a couple weeks ago?
Leonard: Yeah, vaguely.
Raj: Sure you remember. You went to the bar and made a fool of yourself trying to pick up strange women.
Leonard: What about it?
Stuart: Well, uh, the thing is, the date didn’t go that well.
Leonard: Oh, too bad. I guess the thing to do now is just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forget it and move on.
Stuart: I can’t do that.
Leonard: Why the hell not?
Stuart: ‘Cause we’re going out again tomorrow.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Well, I have and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.
Stuart: Uh, anyway, I figured this is probably my last shot with Penny and I don’t want to screw it up.
Leonard: Nobody wants that.
Stuart: So, here’s my question. It’s the second date, you think she’ll be expecting things to get physical?
Leonard: Uh, oh, gee, my initial reaction is no. You know, let me think about it and get back to you, okay?
Stuart: Okay, so, you’ll give me a call?
Leonard: Yeah, or you call me.
Stuart: Great.
Leonard: Or nobody calls anyone.
Raj: Interesting. Penny’s current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.
Leonard: You know, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj.
Howard: Hey, wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard: I’m listening.
Howard: Just tell him to do everything you’ve done with her for the last two years.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Penny: How’s it going?
Leonard: Good, good. You?
Penny: Fine. Oh, hey, can I ask you something?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: You know your friend Stuart?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Well, he asked me out again and I said yes, and then I started thinking maybe I should talk to you first.
Leonard: About what?
Penny: Well, does it bother you, me going out with one of your friends? ‘Cause you know, you and me…
Leonard: No, no that’s the past. I’m really more of a right now kind of guy. You know, living in the moment. Although I do have to live a little in the future, ’cause, well, that’s my job. Of course, my fondness for classic science fiction does draw my attention backwards, but those stories often take place in the future. In conclusion, no, it doesn’t bother me.
Penny: Okay, well, that’s really cool of you.
Leonard: Yeah, well I wouldn’t say cool, I’d just say, that’s Leonard!
Penny: Well, In that case, do you mind giving me some advice?
Leonard: About Stuart? Love to.
Penny: He’s very shy, how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?
Leonard: Well, uh, first of all, don’t underestimate the value of discomfort.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Well, yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure, that’s why he works in a comic book store.
Scene: The university cafeteria. Leonard’s phone rings.
Leonard: Oh. It’s Stuart.
Sheldon: You’re not going to answer it?
Leonard: He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny.
Sheldon: You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.
Leonard: Why would he call me?
Sheldon: We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.
Leonard: I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Answer the phone, Leonard.
Leonard: No! There, it went to voice mail.
Sheldon: Aren’t you going to check your messages?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: At times.
Howard: Guys, we have a code red.
Sheldon: Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?
Howard: Look, I was going over the schematics on my zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.
Leonard: How teeny tiny?
Howard: It’s gonna fail after about ten flushes.
Sheldon: But the mission is for six months.
Howard: Yeah, see, that’s the code red. It’s kind of like a jack-in-the-box, no one knows exactly when, but at some point something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.
Sheldon: Have you notified NASA?
Howard: No. Are you crazy?What am I gonna say? I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there’s gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station?
Leonard: Well, what are you gonna do?
Howard: I’m gonna figure out how to fix it, then I’ll tell them.
Leonard: So, what do you need us for?
Raj: He can’t figure out how to fix it.
Howard: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.
Raj: I’m trying, but you have to admit this is pretty damn funny.
Sheldon: I agree. It’s the juxtaposition of the high-tech nature of space exploration against the banality of a malfunctioning toilet that provides the comic fodder here. Check your messages.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: All right, this is an exact duplicate of the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Disposal System as deployed on the International Space Station.
Raj: Don’t you mean the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Distribution System?
Leonard: Good one.
Raj: Yeah.
Howard: Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
Raj: You mean so it doesn’t hit the fan?
Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humour would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop. (There is a knock on the door)
Stuart: Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hey Stuart.
Stuart: You busy?
Leonard: Um…
Howard: Classified, Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s a regular Manhattan Project. What’s up?
Stuart: Well, tonight’s my date with Penny and since we haven’t been able to connect by phone…
Leonard: Yeah, I’m sorry, it’s been broken.
Stuart: Or e-mail.
Leonard: Yeah, that too. Everything’s broken.
Stuart: Anyway, I was just wondering if you had any last-minute advice.
Leonard: All right, well, off the top of my head, I think the most important thing with Penny is to go really slow. I mean, glacial.
Stuart: Okay.
Leonard: You know, guys come onto her all the time, so, you need to, like, set yourself apart. You know, be a little shy, don’t make too much eye contact. And, you know, treat her with, like, cool detachment and, and, and, you know, fear.
Stuart: Fear?
Leonard: Yeah, like, you’re afraid that if you touch her, she’ll break.
Stuart: Well, that plays right into my wheelhouse.
Leonard: Good, good. Well, you kids have fun tonight.
Stuart: Thanks, Leonard. What is that thing anyway?
Howard: You don’t know what this is?
Stuart: No.
Howard: Good. Get out.
Raj: Be afraid of Penny, nice, very crafty.
Leonard: It wasn’t bad advice. It just wasn’t particularly helpful.
Sheldon: For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.
Scene: Later.
Sheldon: All right, what if we use this two-inch PVC to reinforce the centre cross-support?
Howard: No good. I mean, it might work for the Japanese and the Americans, but have you seen the size of the Russians they got up there? This thing has to hold up against a hearty potato-based diet.
Leonard: I feel terrible.
Howard: Maybe if you were helping, you’d feel better about yourself.
Leonard: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart’s date with Penny.
Raj: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon: You don’t really believe in that superstition, do you?
Raj: It’s not superstition. It’s practically Newtonian. For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It’s actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around.
Howard: Speaking of what goes around comes around…
Raj: Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely?
Sheldon: It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.
Raj: What if we reposition the collection tank?
Sheldon: It won’t work. No way to mount it.
Howard: Okay, here’s an idea. What if I change my name and go live with my cousin and her husband Avi in Israel?
Sheldon: That could work.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks, Penny answers in her dressing gown.
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: Morning. What’s up?
Leonard: Nothing. We just pulled an all-nighter trying to fix a zero-gravity… pasta maker. I’m gonna make a coffee run. Do you want any?
Penny: Oh, no, thanks. I have coffee.
Leonard: Great. So how’d it go with Stuart last night?
Penny: I really don’t want to talk about it.
Leonard: Yeah. Right. Sure. The thing is, before you guys went out, I spoke to him and…
Penny: I said I don’t want to talk about it.
Leonard: Okay… I just… I kind of…
Penny: Look, Leonard, what goes on between me and Stuart is none of your business. So just leave it alone, okay?
Raj: If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my freakin’ latte.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hang on, I think I’ve got this. Help me see if we can wedge this little piece of PVC behind the support rod.
Sheldon: You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.
Howard: Sheldon, I know what I’m doing.
Sheldon: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.
Raj: Howard, wait. Why don’t you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?
Howard: Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Raj: That what that’s for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.
Howard: Where are you going?
Leonard: Comic book store.
Sheldon: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Raj: Me, too.
Howard: Hold on, you can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?
Leonard: ‘Cause he’s upset over his situation with Penny and if I have to hear about it again, I’m going to kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard: I got your back, sister. All right, I think we’ve got a prototype ready to test. Hand me that Tupperware.
Raj: Wow, that’s heavy.
Howard: Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations.
Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.
Howard: Okay, simulated zero-gravity human waste disposal test with meat loaf analog in three, two, one. (Switches flush. Meatloaf hits ceiling.)
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Raj: What do you think the problem is?
Howard: Not enough bread crumbs.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Hey, Stuart, I need to talk to you.
Stuart: Sure, what’s up?
Leonard: I think I gave you bad advice about Penny, and I want to apologize.
Stuart: No, your advice was great.
Leonard: It was?
Stuart: Yeah, going slow really worked.
Leonard: You’re kidding. Never worked for me.
Stuart: Yeah, last night at dinner, I did what you told me, I went really slow, I kept my distance, and two bottles of wine later, we were making out in my car.
Leonard: Wine? I didn’t say to give her wine.
Stuart: It doesn’t matter, that’s where it all went to hell.
Leonard: During the kissing? What did you do, sneeze in her mouth? I did that to a girl once.
Stuart: No, everything was good and really hot, and I said “Oh, Penny,” and right where she was supposed to say, “Oh, Stuart,” she said… your name.
Leonard: Leonard?
Stuart: That is your name, right?
Leonard: Yeah, no, yeah, wow, I’m sorry. That must’ve been the last thing you wanted to hear.
Stuart: Well, it beats you know I’m a dude, right? Yeah, it was pretty bad.
Leonard: No doubt, no doubt. Okay, well, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
Stuart: Not your fault.
Leonard: Yeah, how about that? See you soon.
Stuart: Yeah, sure.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is on the phone.
 
Howard: Yes, sir, I understand classified. We’ll keep it all classified, no one has to know but you and me.
Penny: What’s classified?
Leonard: Howard’s space toilet. I’ll tell you later.
Howard: Well, they’ve deployed our solution. Let’s just all hope it works.
Sheldon: I don’t see why I have to worry. My career’s not hanging in the balance. That was a joke. It’s funny, because it’s true.
Penny: Leonard, could you pass the soy sauce, please?
Leonard: I’m sorry, were you talking to me?
Penny: Yeah, I said Leonard.
Leonard: Yes, you did, didn’t you?
Penny: What the hell is that?
Howard: Meatloaf.
Leonard: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Howard: That’s classified.
Scene: The International Space Station.
Voice: Houston, International Space Station. We have a little situation up here. We’d like to make an unscheduled space walk.
Houston: ISS, Houston. Which crew members would be involved in this E.V.A.?
ISS voice: Houston, we’d all like to step outside for a few minutes.
Houston: ISS, I’m afraid we can’t authorize that.
ISS voice: Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is working on a whiteboard.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.
Leonard: Then what was oh, boy?
Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.
Leonard: There’s nothing wrong with the science here.
Sheldon: Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.
Leonard (making a change): Okay, how’s that?
Sheldon: You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.
Leonard: Yes, how did we live before Twitter? I guess you’ll find out what it is in the morning.
Sheldon: That’s 14 hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles, I know where I am or I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both. Yet how am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head?
Leonard: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s two o’clock in the morning.
Sheldon: Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is?
Leonard: Everybody?
Sheldon: You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.
Leonard: You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night?
Sheldon: He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.
Leonard: You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to.
Sheldon: Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?
Leonard: Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it.
Sheldon: Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.
Leonard: Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole?
Sheldon: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”
Leonard: Okay, well, do you want to go?
Sheldon: Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.
Leonard: Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Leonard: Maybe.
Sheldon: I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?
Leonard: Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now.
Sheldon: I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.
Leonard: Well, then don’t go.
Sheldon: How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.
Leonard: All right, then go.
Sheldon: Listen to you. How can I possibly go?
Leonard: Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?
Sheldon: Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.
Leonard: How was it resolved?
Sheldon: It wasn’t. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: Just imagine. If he says yes, we’ll have an entire summer without Sheldon.
Raj: We could play outside.
Howard: We could sit on the left side of the couch.
Leonard: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.
Raj: Our dreams are very small, aren’t they?
Sheldon: Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…
All: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Sheldon: …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition.
Leonard: It’s not gonna be the same without you.
Howard: Godspeed.
Sheldon: Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.
Raj: Ooh, I don’t like where this is going.
Sheldon: I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.
Howard: To the North Pole?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: Is this just so we won’t touch your stuff while you’re away?
Sheldon: I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Well, there are others who might be more qualified, but the thought of interviewing them gave me a stomach ache. Now, I know I’m proposing an enormous undertaking, so why don’t you take a few moments to discuss it?
Howard: We’re not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Sheldon (voice): I’m still within earshot! You may want to wait for my door to close.
Howard: We’re not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Leonard: Hang on. Let’s talk about it. This is a National Science Foundation expedition. I don’t know how we can turn it down.
Howard: Easy. Instead of saying, no, we don’t want to go on an NSF expedition, say, no, we don’t want to spend “three months stuck in a cabin in the Arctic Circle with an anal nutbag.”
Raj: But if we were part of the team that confirmed string theory, we could drink for free in any bar in any college town with a university that has a strong science program.
Leonard: Howard, this is big science. You could be the engineer who builds the equipment that puts us on the cover of magazines.
Howard: I could also be the engineer who builds the crossbow that kills Sheldon.
Raj: You still might get on a magazine.
Howard: So you guys are seriously considering this?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I’m a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I’m reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
Sheldon: Well, gentlemen, have you reached a decision?
Leonard: I’m in.
Raj: Me, too.
Howard: Oh, damn it. Peer pressure. Fine.
Sheldon: Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What do you want?
Sheldon: I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.
Penny: Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.
Sheldon: No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.
Penny: You’re all going?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: For three months?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Is that a yes or a no on the freezer? The woman has the attention span of a gnat.
Penny: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Sheldon says you’re going to the North Pole.
Leonard: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
Penny: Yeah. I’m just a little surprised you didn’t tell me.
Leonard: Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.
Penny: Oh, hey, no, you don’t have to apologize. There’s no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, you were busy, you were surprised, all very fascinating. Now where do we stand on the freezer?
Penny: Is he serious?
Leonard: Actually, it would help.
Penny: All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action?
Penny: Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside.
Leonard: Did she seem upset to you?
Sheldon: No. Did she seem upset to you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?
Leonard: A little bit.
Sheldon: Two for two. I’m on fire.
Leonard: I mean, I know she’s not my girlfriend or anything, but wouldn’t you think she’d feel a little bad that I’m going to be gone for the whole summer?
Sheldon: That feels like a bonus question. I’m going to stop here while I’m ahead, but I’ve had a great time.
Scene: Inside the cheesecake factory freezer.
 
Sheldon: Alright, now the purpose of this drill is to acclimate us to the use of tools in extreme temperatures such as we will face in the Arctic Circle.
Raj: Where are your tools?
Sheldon (pointing at his brain): Right here. All right, team, open up your practice kits. As the university did not permit me to bring the actual equipment we’ll be using to the Cheesecake Factory, because apparently I’m “ridiculous,” I’ve provided substitutes which will exercise your fine motor skills. Leonard, you will be doing a series of complex mathematical problems on a vintage Casio model 1175 calculator watch I received when I won the Earth Science medal in 3rd grade. Treat it with respect. Raj, you will be painting sideburns and a Van Dyke on a six-inch figurine of Legolas the elf. Now, remember, a Van Dyke is a goatee without a moustache. Wolowitz, you will be completing a series of delicate surgical procedures on the classic children’s game, Operation. To begin with, you will remove funny bone for two hundred dollars.
Howard: For this I went to MIT.
Sheldon: And begin.
Raj: I think I swallowed some paint!
Leonard: I can’t press any of the buttons with my gloves. Oh, son of a bitch!
Sheldon: Adversity is to be expected. Continue.
Howard: Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued.
Leonard: Okay, I can’t do this.
Raj: Me either.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.
Howard: You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.
Leonard: Hang on, I know I don’t possess the tools of leadership, but I don’t understand why we can’t assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.
Sheldon: I hadn’t thought of that. I guess we’re done here.
Scene: The apartment kitchen.
 
Sheldon: Here, drink slash eat this.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter.
Howard: Okay, why?
Sheldon: Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.
Leonard: Sheldon, you know I can’t eat butter. I’m lactose intolerant.
Sheldon: Way ahead of you, that’s an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” stick.
Raj (on his webcam): But mummy, all the other guys are going to the North Pole.
Mrs Koothrappali: I don’t care what the other guys are doing. If the other guys jumped in the Bay of Bengal and tried to swim to Sri Lanka, would you follow them?
Raj: If you were standing behind me nagging, I might.
Dr Koothrappali: Don’t talk back to your mother. This trip is much too dangerous, Rajesh.
Raj: No, it’s not. Howard, tell them.
Howard: Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.
Mrs Koothrappali: So, she has no problem with her son being eaten by a walrus?
Sheldon: That’s very unlikely, Mrs. Koothrappali. If Raj dies, it’ll be from frostbite, gangrene, acute sunburn or being ripped to shreds by a fifteen hundred pound polar bear.
Howard: Ma, I’m putting you on speakerphone with Raj’s parents. Can you tell them that you’re okay with me going to the Arctic?
Howard’s Mother: Arctic? I thought you said Arkansas!
Howard: I didn’t say that. You never listen to me!
Howard’s Mother: He doesn’t tell me anything! He lives a secret life because he’s ashamed!
Penny (arriving): Hey, Leonard, can I talk to you for a sec?
Leonard: Sure, but let’s go out here where there’s a little less yelling and guilt. What’s up?
Penny: Well, I got you a little going away present.
Leonard: Oh, a blanket.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, not just a blanket. See, it has sleeves. Yeah!  So, you can, you know, be all snoodled up while you do your science stuff.
Leonard: Oh, wow, cool.
Penny: Oh, I’m gonna miss you. (She hugs him for a long time) See you later.
Leonard: Bye.
Mrs Koothrappali: I told you no. Why don’t you believe me?
Howard’s Mother: ‘Cause it doesn’t make sense to me! How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn’t one Outback Steakhouse?!
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is asleep. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard: Sheldon, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I want a cookie, Meemaw.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s me.
Sheldon: But Meemaw just made cookies.
Leonard: Listen, I don’t know if I can go on the expedition.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: I don’t think I can go to the North Pole.
Sheldon: Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s very comforting.
Sheldon: Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.
Leonard: Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go.
Sheldon: Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?
Leonard: Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this.
Sheldon: What is it?
Leonard: It’s a blanket with sleeves.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?
Leonard: Yes, obviously.
Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.
Leonard: Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else?
Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.
Leonard: So, I can’t go.
Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard is knocking.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, what time is it?
Leonard: It’s 7 a.m. I’m sorry it’s early, but we’re leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: What did you mean when you said you’re going to miss me?
Penny: Um, I don’t know. You’ll be gone and I’ll notice.
Leonard (indicating the blanket): Okay, well, um, what about this? What does this mean?
Penny: Wine, credit card and late night television are a bad combination.
Leonard: All right, fine. What about that really long hug? What did that mean?
Penny: That wasn’t a long hug.
Leonard: It was at least five Mississippis. A standard hug is two Mississippis tops.
Penny: Leonard, I don’t know what to tell you. It was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: I guess I’ll see you.
Penny: Okay, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Okay, bye. (Penny closes door. To herself) Means I wish you weren’t going.
Scene: The North Pole.
Leonard: Damn it.
Howard: What?
Leonard: We’re out of ice.
Sheldon: All right, men, we begin initial assembly and deployment of the testing equipment starting tomorrow at 0700 hours, but until then, you are all off duty. I suggest you keep the shenanigans to a minimum as medical help is 18 hours away by dogsled.
Raj: What are you working on?
Howard: Crossbow.
Leonard: Hey, guys, can I just say something? How about we take a moment to think about where we are right now? This is literally the top of the world. Only a handful of people in all of human history will ever see what we are going to see.
Raj: He’s right.
Howard: Yeah, wow.
Sheldon: It is remarkable.
Raj: So, who’s up for a movie?
Howard: Good idea, what do you think? Ice Station Zebra or John Carpenter’s The Thing?
Raj: I say double feature.
Leonard: Dinner’s ready!
Sheldon: What are we having?
Leonard: Reconstituted Thai food.
Sheldon: Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?
Leonard: Check.
Sheldon: Freeze-dried spicy mustard?
Leonard: Check.
Sheldon: Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?
Leonard: Uh, oh, sorry.
Sheldon: Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.
Howard: There’s no time for a crossbow. Find me an icicle.
Sheldon: Three months. This is gonna be great!
Scene: Opening shows some scenes from the final episode of the previous season, followed by the caption “Three months later.” Scene then opens in lobby, with the guys arriving home from the North Pole. All have long hair and bushy beards except Sheldon, whose hair is slightly longer and who has a goatee.
Leonard: Oh, thank God we’re home.
Howard: I can’t believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Raj: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon: I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
Scene: The apartment door. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Oh, hi mom. No, I told you I’d call you when I got home, I’m not home yet. (Walks through door) Alright, I’m home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I’m all but certain there’s a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I’m entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
Leonard: I’m going to go let Penny know we’re back.
Sheldon: Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To his spot) Hello, old friend. (Sits) Daddy’s home.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Leonard, you’re back.
Leonard: Yeah, I just stopped by to say… (she grabs him and kisses him) Yeah, so, hi!
Penny: Hi! (They stumble, kissing, into her apartment and slam the door shut)
Howard: Dammit, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
Raj: Yeah, it was first come, first served.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A moment later.
Sheldon: I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won’t forget your contributions.
Howard: Great.
Raj: Thanks.
Sheldon: Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
Raj: We have to tell him.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Howard: Damn his Vulcan hearing.
Sheldon: You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?
Howard: Okay, Sheldon, sit down.
Sheldon: If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.
Howard: Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.
Sheldon: If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
Raj: It’s not about that.
Howard: And we agreed to never speak of it again.
Sheldon: So we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.
Howard: He’s speaking about it.
Raj: For me, it was a bonding moment.
Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D.
Howard: Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.
Raj: He just went colon, capital O.
Sheldon: You tampered with my experiment?
Howard: We had to.
Raj: It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian.
Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.
Howard: Actually, it was his idea.
Sheldon: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I missed you so much.
Leonard: I missed you, too.
Penny: I couldn’t even think of anyone else while you were gone.
Leonard: Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard (whispering): Do not make a sound.
Sheldon: Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.
Leonard: Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Oh, this is ridiculous. What?
Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
Penny: It’s great to see you too. Come on in.
Sheldon: Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Leonard: Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.
Penny: Okay, can someone please tell me what’s going on here?
Sheldon: What’s going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.
Penny: Is that true?
Leonard: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard: Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.
Leonard: No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.
Sheldon: Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.
Leonard: Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn’t have done that. So write another e-mail, set the record straight, it’s no big deal.
Sheldon: You’re right, Leonard, it’s not a big deal. All you did was lie to me destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal
Penny: Oh, the poor thing.
Leonard: Yeah, I feel terrible.
Penny: Wait, wait. Aren’t you going to go talk to him?
Leonard: What? Uh, he’ll be fine, the guy’s a trouper, come here.
Penny: No, you’re right, you shouldn’t talk to him. I will.
Leonard: Man, I cannot catch a break.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Penny knocks and enters.
Penny: Hey. Do you want to talk?
Sheldon: About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!
Penny: Oh, hon… Uh… (singing) Soft kitty, warm kitty…
Sheldon: That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.
Penny: Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song.
Sheldon: I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.
Penny: Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through.
Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?
Penny: Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?
Penny: Well, they’re pretty tasty.
Sheldon: And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?
Penny: Look, Sheldon, I just don’t think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it’s like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn’t true, like saying Spock didn’t care his mom died?
Sheldon: I missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie!
Scene: The university cafeteria. The guys have shaved and had haircuts. Howard has kept his moustache.
Raj: I like the new look.
Howard: Thanks. I call it the Clooney.
Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever. Hey, how’s Sheldon doing?
Leonard: Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I’d say, a little better.
Howard: If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally… you know.
Leonard: Howard…
Howard: Personally, I don’t care, but my genitals wanted me to ask.
Leonard: Well, tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business.
Howard (to his genitals): He says they didn’t do it.
Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): Sheldon, over here. (Sheldon sits at another table and tries to choke all three to death with the force. Raj pretends he is choking.)
Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: I feel bad for the guy.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself?
Sheldon: Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.
Leonard: Come on. We said we were sorry.
Sheldon: It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.
Kripke (arriving): Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation.
Sheldon: You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.
Kripke: That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife.
Sheldon: All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.
Kripke: Off a cwiff.
Sheldon: My credibility may have been damaged…
Kripke: Compwetely wecked.
Sheldon: But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.
Kripke: Yeah, but wesearch into Dark Energy pwoved that Einstein’s cosmowogical constant was actually wight all along, so you’re still, surpwise, surpwise, a woser.
Sheldon: Oh, you think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.
Leonard: So much for our friendship with Sheldon.
Raj: Well, we’ll always have the night the heat went out.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn’t have a chance to give you this.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, you shouldn’t have. Oh, boy! What is it?
Leonard: It’s a snowflake. From the North Pole.
Penny: Are you serious?
Leonard: Uh-huh. It’ll last forever. I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.
Penny: Oh, my God. That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me that I didn’t understand.
Leonard: It’s actually a pretty simple process. You see, cyanoacrylate are monomers which polymerize on… (she kisses him)
Howard (arriving): Red alert, Leonard. Sheldon ran away.
Leonard: Man, I can not catch a break.
Penny: So, how do you know he ran away?
Howard: Well, he’s not answering his phone, he handed in his resignation at the university and he sent me a text that said, I’m running away.
Leonard: Okay, well, thanks for letting me know.
Penny: Well, Leonard, aren’t you going to do something?
Leonard: Of course I’m going to do something. Uh, Howard, you check the comic book store. Raj, go to the Thai restaurant. I’ll stay here with Penny in her apartment. (His phone rings) Oh, damn it. It’s Sheldon’s mother. A break cannot be caught. Hi, Mrs. Cooper. He is? Sheldon went home to Texas. Yeah, no, I know he resigned. Yes, I guess it kind of is our fault. No, no, no, you, you’re right, someone needs to come talk to him. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. Yeah. All right. New plan. Howard, you and Raj go to Texas. I’ll stay here with Penny in her apartment.
Penny: Well, you’re not gonna go with them?
Leonard: Well, you know, I gave you the snowflake and we were kissing and… Oh, come on, I don’t want to go to Texas!
Howard: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed a desert once, we’re done.
Leonard: Trust me, you’ll be fine. See ya.
Penny: Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He’s your best friend.
Leonard: Yeah, but I already saw him naked. Just come here.
Penny: No. I promise I will be here when you get back. Just go help Sheldon.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
Leonard: Maybe you can.
Penny: Go.
Raj: Boy, you cannot catch a break, can you?
Scene: Sheldon’s mother’s kitchen.
 
Mrs Cooper: Here you go, Shelly.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.
Sheldon: Aw, Mom.
Mrs Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all…
Sheldon: Fed.
Mrs Cooper: Give us, Lord, our daily…
Sheldon: Bread.
Mrs Cooper: Please know that we are truly…
Sheldon: Grateful.
Mrs Cooper: For every cup and every…
Sheldon: Plateful.
Mrs Cooper: Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Sheldon: My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.
Mrs Cooper: Whatever. Jesus still loves you.
Sheldon: Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?
Sheldon: They’re not my friends.
Mrs Cooper: All right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbour kids.
Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.
Mrs Cooper: Oh baby, they knew very well why they hated you.
Scene: A rental car.
 
Leonard: I can’t believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
Howard: Hello? I’m wearing a red turtleneck. Plus, it was the only boys’ large they had.
Raj: I’m sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where’s the tumbleweeds? Where’s the saloons?
Leonard: Saloons?
Raj: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, uh, Four for Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas.
Howard: This neighbourhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Raj: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
Leonard: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there.
Scene: Sheldon’s mother’s house.
Leonard: Will you please take that stupid hat off?
Howard: No, I want to blend in.
Raj: To what? Toy Story?
Mrs Cooper: Hi, boys.
Howard: Howdy, ma’am.
Mrs Cooper: Howdy to you, too. You got here quick.
Leonard: – We took the red-eye.
Mrs Cooper: Well, come on in.
Howard: Thank you kindly.
Mrs Cooper: Can I… Can I get you something to drink?
Leonard: Uh, no, thank you.
Howard: If y’all don’t mind, I got a hankerin’ for a Lone Star beer.
Mrs Cooper: There’s no alcohol in this household. Stop talking like that and lose the hat.
Howard: Sorry. I’ll take a diet Yoo-Hoo if you have it.
Mrs Cooper: You’ll take a Cola.* What about you? Radge, isn’t it? Oh, you still having trouble talking to the ladies? Because, you know, at our church we have a woman who’s an amazing healer. Mostly she does, uh, crutch and wheelchair people, but I bet she’d be willing to take a shot at whatever Third World demon is running around inside of you.
Leonard: Uh, if you don’t mind, Mrs. Cooper, there’s a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles, and you have no idea how much I want to be on it.
Mrs Cooper: A girl?
Leonard: Uh, yes, ma’am.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, good. I’ve been praying for you. Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize.
Howard: Again.
Leonard: And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back.
Leonard: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.
Mrs Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: I forgive you. Let’s go home.
Mrs Cooper: Don’t tell me prayer doesn’t work.
Scene: In Penny’s bed.
Leonard: How about that? I finally caught a break.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You know how they say when friends have sex it can get weird?
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Why does it have to get weird?
Penny: I don’t know.
Leonard: I mean, we were friends, and now we’re more than friends. We’re whatever this is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and…
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: It’s weird.
Leonard: Totally.
(* This scene was originally filmed using the word “coke” but it was overdubbed for television purposes. On the DVD version, the original is used.)
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: Sheldon, you’re wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?
Howard: Okay, first of all…
Raj: Give it up, dude, you’re arguing with a crazy person.
Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.
Leonard: Hey, guys.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What do you mean? It’s new comic book night.
Raj: Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night.
Leonard: There’s more to life than sex, Raj.
Howard: Okay, who had Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours”?
Sheldon: I did.
Leonard: Nothing flamed out. We don’t have to have sex every night, you know.
Howard: You don’t have to, but it’s highly recommended.
Raj: Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky.
Leonard: It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.
Howard: What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.
Sheldon: Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.
Raj: Okay, who had Leonard gets a floppy disk?
Sheldon: Oh, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.
Leonard: Nothing like that happened, all right? The sex was just fine.
Raj: Just fine? Oh, dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine.
Leonard: I’m not saying it was bad, I’m just saying it… wasn’t great.
Howard: Okay, when you say “it wasn’t great, do you mean for both of you? Because we can totally see it not being great for her. Am I right?
Raj: Oh, yeah.
Leonard: To tell you the truth, I think we were both a little, I don’t know…
Raj: Disappointed? Let down?
Howard: Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed?
Leonard: All I know is, it wasn’t the way I dreamed it would be.
Howard: Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.
Raj: That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.
Credits Sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, dinner’s here.
Sheldon: Tandoori Palace?
Leonard: No, we went somewhere new.
Sheldon: You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?
Leonard: No, look, Mumbai Palace.
Sheldon: Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace.
Leonard: Trust me, this will be just fine.
Howard: You are the authority on just fine.
Leonard: What’s that supposed to mean?
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Yeah, exactly. Not bad, but not great.
Penny: What are they talking about?
Leonard: I don’t know
Sheldon: I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…
Leonard: Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
Sheldon: If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.
Penny: Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.
Leonard: Penny, wait. Aagh! What is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I sense I may have crossed some sort of line.
Raj: Yeah, you…
Howard: Uh, no, no, no, don’t tell him, let’s see if he can figure it out.
Penny: Ugh, I am so embarrassed!
Leonard: Please don’t be mad.
Penny: What did you tell them?
Leonard: Nothing bad, just that last night was fine.
Penny: Fine? You said it was fine?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s a perfectly good word. You put it in front of wine or dining, and you’ve really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?
Penny: It was… okay.
Leonard: Okay?
Penny: Yeah, it’s a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of dokay and you really got something. All right, look, let’s not overreact, you know? For a lot of couples, it takes time to get to know each other’s rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.
Leonard: So, you’ve been through this before?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Okay-dokay.
Penny: You know, I think this is one of those things where talking about it is not going to make it better. Want a glass of wine?
Leonard: So much.
Penny: Okay. See, we should’ve done this last night, you know, have a little wine, take the edge off.
Leonard: Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
Penny: Don’t talk, just drink.
Howard: No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.
Raj: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard’s got one and you don’t.
Sheldon: Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat.
Raj: What’s that?
Howard: Sounds like a cricket.
Sheldon: Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.
Howard: Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that?
Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
Raj: How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is?
Sheldon: Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.
Howard: Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket.
Sheldon: Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play.
Howard: No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.
Raj: Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess.
Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.
Howard: Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can’t take your money.
Howard: What’s the matter, you chicken?
Sheldon: I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can’t climb trees
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard: Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me.
Sheldon: Fair enough. What stake do you propose?
Howard: I will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue.
Sheldon: All right, you have a wager.
Howard: Hmm.
Raj: Great. Now how are you going to settle it, hmm? There is no way to determine the species of the cricket without examining it.
Slight time shift. The guys are searching for the cricket.
Raj: I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight.
Scene: Penny’s apartment, Penny and Leonard are kissing. They break and look at each other uncomfortably.
Leonard: More wine?
Penny: Hit me.
Scene: The apartment, the guys are still searching for the cricket. They are inside the cupboard.
Sheldon: I don’t see anything.
Howard: Shh!
Raj: Hallway. (All try to exit at once and get stuck in doorway.)
Sheldon: One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that?
Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?
Howard: Shh! Elevator shaft.
Sheldon: Help me open it.
Howard: Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft.
Sheldon: Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.
Howard: Let’s open her up.
Sheldon: Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?
Howard: Don’t push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic why are you hitting yourself?
Raj: Ooh, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: What are we drinking now?
Penny: Peppermint schnapps.
Leonard: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it’s fun to say schnapps. Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Penny: Schnapps.
Leonard: Schnapps. You’re right, that is fun.
Scene: The elevator shaft. Sheldon is inside.
Raj: Be careful.
Sheldon: If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
Raj (hearing the cricket): Stairwell.
Sheldon: Uh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It’s really dark down here.
Scene: Penny’s bathroom. Leonard is vomiting in the toilet.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. You really can’t hold your liquor, can you?
Leonard: I’m okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I’m gonna rock your world. (Penny vomits in sink) Are you okay? (Vomits in toilet again)
Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj has the cricket in a jar.
Raj: Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now?
Sheldon: His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.
Raj: What would you name him?
Sheldon: An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.
Howard: All right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast’s Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here, see it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for suck it, you lose.
Sheldon: Hang on. Voilà, the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I’ll suck nothing. Of course I’m joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo.
Howard: That is not Toby, this is Toby. Raj, what do you think?
Raj: Oh, I really don’t care anymore
Leonard: God, I had the most horrible night.
Raj: What happened?
Sheldon: Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.
Howard: Shiksa. Shik-sa.
Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.
Howard: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you’re wrong again.
Sheldon: We haven’t established that I’m wrong once.
Howard: All right. Tell you what, let’s go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor
Crawley tell us what kind of cricket Toby is.
Sheldon: He’s a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy. (They leave)
Leonard: I bet I could throw a rock in this room and come up with three better friends.
Scene: The Entomology Department.
 
Raj: Holy crap. It’s like Silence of the Lambs down here. (Howard tickles the back of his neck. He screams) Don’t do that!
Howard: You’re such a girl. They’re just bugs.
Raj: Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome
Prof Crawley (arriving): Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle?
Sheldon: Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?
Prof Crawley: Who wants to know?
Sheldon: I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.
Prof Crawley: Couldn’t wait, huh?
Sheldon: I’m sorry?
Prof Crawley: I haven’t even packed yet, and you’re already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
Howard: No, you don’t understand. We just want to ask you a question.
Prof Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What’s a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?
Raj: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?
Prof Crawley: What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?
Raj: I’m from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist.
Sheldon: No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket?
Prof Crawley: Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that’s going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we’re not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We’re talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
Howard: Well, could you look at Toby?
Prof Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket.
Sheldon: Told you.
Prof Crawley: It’s a field cricket.
Howard: Yes!
Sheldon: No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Prof Crawley: Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.
Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Prof Crawley: Let me show you something. See that? That’s a Crawley’s dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that’s a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can’t. That tramp took me for everything!
Sheldon: Well, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations.
Raj: Enjoy Oxnard. I’m sure your daughter’s looking forward to having you.
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon. What you got there? A new comic book?
Sheldon: Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box.
Penny: What do you have a safe deposit box for?
Sheldon: Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.
Penny: What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular.
Sheldon: Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.
Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either.
Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better?
Penny: I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.
Penny: What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken?
Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.
Penny: Okay, forget the chicken.
Sheldon: Well, I wish I could.
Penny: No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard.
Sheldon: Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?
Penny: No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.
Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.
Scene: The apartment
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey. What’s going on?
Sheldon: Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.
Leonard: Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life?
Sheldon: Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.
Leonard: Right, right. You’re saying you talked to Penny?
Sheldon:  Yes.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Hardly.
Leonard: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Have I crossed some sort of line again?
Leonard: Little bit. (Exits)
Sheldon: Hmm. Oh, who cares?
Scene: Penny’s doorway.
Penny: Oh, hey.
Leonard: Hey. Uh, what did Sheldon say to you?
Penny: Not a lot. Just that we always have the option of going back to being friends.
Leonard: Is that what you want?
Penny: I don’t know. I mean, you have to admit things seemed simpler when we were just friends.
Leonard: I guess.
Penny: It would take the pressure off.
Leonard: It would, wouldn’t it?
Penny: So, we’ll just be friends.
Leonard: Good, good.
Penny: Come here. (She gives him a hug. It turns into a big kiss.)
 
Leonard (closing door): Okay-dokay
Scene: The apartment kitchen. Penny is cooking breakfast while singing and dancing along to “Man I Feel Like A Woman” by Shenia Twain. Sheldon enters.
Penny: Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.
Penny: All right, want some French toast?
Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.
Penny: Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal.
Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?
Leonard: Morning.
Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
Leonard: Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet.
Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.
Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
Leonard: No, her bed kind of… broke.
Sheldon: That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition
of a second normal size human being wouldn’t cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
Penny: A homunculus?
Leonard: Perfectly formed miniature human being.
Penny: Oh, you’re my little homunculus.
Leonard: Don’t do that.
Penny: Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?
Sheldon: I want oatmeal.
Penny: Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.
Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.
Penny: You know what, I give up. He’s impossible.
Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”
Leonard: Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.
Leonard: I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?
Leonard: It’s a… (gives up)
Sheldon: Boy, that does smell good. Too bad it’s Monday.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Penny: Okay, so Kim the night manager went on maternity leave, and her husband’s name is Sandy, right? So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband’s name is Kim.
Leonard: Wow!
Penny: I know. What are the odds?
Sheldon: Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…
Leonard: Sheldon! it’s an amazing coincidence, can we leave it at that?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
Penny: Ooh, Sheldon, it’s as if you don’t think I’ll punch you.
Leonard: Come on, you guys, let it go.
Penny: Fine, whatever. Are you finished?
Sheldon: Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate
Penny: Um, yeah, sure, thanks.
Leonard: What was that?
Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.
Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don’t.
Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, now that’s you, obnoxious and insufferable.
Howard (arriving, in goth gear): What’s going on, day dwellers?
Penny: Oh, man, did the Kiss Army repeal don’t ask, don’t tell?
Howard: No. Raj and I are going a goth club in Hollywood to hang with the night people. Anybody want to come along?
Penny: Oh, wow, you’re actually going out like that?
Howard: No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms)
Leonard: Howard, what did you do?
Howard: They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Sheldon: You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Bazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?
Howard: Okay, how about you two? Look, I’ve got some extra tat sleeves.
Leonard: Why are you carrying extras?
Howard: Well, In case I snag one on someone’s nipple ring.
Penny: Uh, yeah, I think we’ll pass.
Howard: Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now?
Leonard: In this case, you bet she is.
Howard (after Raj whispers): Yes, she’s pushy and yes, he’s whipped, but that’s not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.
Leonard: They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.
Penny: They’re gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.
Sheldon: Did you? I didn’t notice. Have a chocolate.
Penny: Thank you.
Scene: The goth club.
 
Raj: I think we’re fitting in quite nicely.
Howard: It’d help if you weren’t drinking light beer.
Raj: Oh, what’s so gothic about vodka and cranberry juice?
Howard: Hello, it looks like blood. Did you even read the Wiki How link I sent you on being goth?
Raj: No, I’m behind on my wiki-reading I’m kind of on a John Grisham kick right now.
Howard: What?
Raj: Well, I finished reading The Pelican Brief and loved it so much, I dived right into The Client. He was a lawyer himself so his novels are accurate as well as entertaining.
Howard: Just remember we are lost boys, children of the night.
Raj: Great. Lost boys, children of the night. Got it. Can you pass the Chex mix, please. Thank you. We are lost boys.
Girl: Good for you.
Howard: I’m actually much morelost than he is.
Girl: Nice ink.
Howard: Thanks. Can we buy you ladies a drink?
Girl: Two light beers.
Raj: Light beers? Well, Wiki-how about that?
Second girl: What’s your names?
Howard: I’m Howard.
Raj: Raj.
Girl: I’m Bethany.
Howard: Nice to meet you, Bethany.
Raj: Yes, very nice.
Bethany: Nice to meet you too.
Second girl: I’m Sarah. Not that anyone cares.
Raj: Do either of you ladies enjoy the novels of John Grisham?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: What’s this cartoon called again?
Leonard: Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.
Sheldon: And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime.
Penny: Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.
Sheldon: You’re here a lot now.
Penny: Oh, am I talking too much? I’m sorry. Zip.
Sheldon: Thank you. Chocolate?
Penny: Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…
Leonard: Okay, I know what you’re doing.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.
Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?
Leonard: No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard: Well, you shouldn’t.
Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard: No, you’re not sanding Penny.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard: Yes, you’re forbidden.
Sheldon (Squirting him with a water spray): Bad Leonard.
Scene: The goth club.
 
Bethany: So what do you guys do?
Howard: Oh, you know, goth stuff. Goth magazines, goth music.
Raj: Goth food.
Sarah: What’s goth food?
Raj: Uh… blackened salmon?
Bethany: No, I meant what do you do for jobs?
Raj: Oh, we’re scientists.
Howard: Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
Bethany: What are the dark sciences
Raj: Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night. When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
Howard: Oy vay.
Raj: That sounds really cool.
Howard: Does it? Okay, if you like space stuff, I design components for the international space station. Which is in space. Where, as I’m sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
Raj: So what do you gals do?
Bethany: I work at the Gap.
Howard: Really? How about that? I’ve been to the Gap.
Raj: Yeah, I’ve been there as well. I like your tee-shirts with the little pocket.
Sarah: I work there too. Not that anyone cares. You know, this place is boring.
Bethany: Yeah. Why don’t we go somewhere else and have some fun?
Howard: Okay.
Raj: Sure, we like fun.
Howard: We are fun people.
Raj: Dark and fun.
Bethany: Come on, I know a place you’ll really dig.
Howard: Did you bring the black condoms?
Raj: In my fanny pack.
Howard: Let’s go.
Scene: A tattoo parlour. Bethany is getting a tattoo.
 
Raj: Are you happy now?
Howard: Not particularly.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Penny (voice outside door): Oh’ my God, she didn’t!
Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?
Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard: You’re not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon: No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.
Leonard: Forget it.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard: I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon You wouldn’t prefer a throaty chuckle?
Leonard: You’re not changing how Penny laughs.
Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.
Penny (entering): Uh, sorry guys, that girl is (high pitched) freaky!
Sheldon: Come again?
Penny (normal voice): Freaky.
Sheldon (lower voice): Freaky?
Penny (lower voice): Yeah, freaky.
Sheldon: Have a chocolate.
Penny: Thank you.
Scene: The tattoo parlour. Howard is laying down, preparing to have a tattoo on his lower back.
Raj: Are you seriously going to deface your body just for the possibility you could have cheap sex with a strange girl you met in a bar?
Howard: Uh, yeah!
Raj: What is your mother going to say?
Howard: She’s not going to see it. She takes my temperature orally now.
Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard?
Howard: Well, I can’t really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog.
Bethany: Kermit the Frog?
Howard: You know (Kermit voice) Hi ho, I’m on Howard’s butt!
Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I’ll see if I can make him smile.
Howard: Yeah, I’d like the mean little skull, please.
Sarah: What are you going to get, Raj?
Raj: With my luck, hepatitis
Tattooist: Okay, here we go.
Howard: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Tattooist: That’s just rubbing alcohol.
Howard: I know, but it was cold. Ow, ow, ow!
Tattooist: I’m putting on the stencil.
Howard: What comes after the stencil?
Tattooist: This.
Howard: Aaaaaargh! Okay, that’s it, no needle, no pain, no tattoo.
Bethany: What’s the big deal, you’ve done this before.
Howard: No, I haven’t, look. (Rips off tattoo sleeves) I’m sorry, I’m a fraud, he’s a fraud.
Raj: We’re both frauds.
Howard: Yeah, I think I covered that.
Raj: But I was summing up.
Howard: We’re not goth, we’re just guys.
Raj: Very, very smart guys.
Bethany: So you were totally scamming us?
Howard: Yes. And I wouldn’t blame you if you walked out of here and never wanted to see us again. Unless of course our bold honesty has suddenly made us attractive.
Bethany: I’m leaving.
Sarah: I’m leaving too. Not that anyone cares.
Raj: When we tell this story, let’s end it differently.
Howard: What are you thinking? Maybe a big musical number?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, I’m going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activites, you’ll keep the decibel level to a minimum.
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: Thank you. (Throws a chocolate. Penny catches it in her mouth)
 
Penny: Mmm, these are so good
Leonard: Unbelievable.
Penny: What?
Leonard: I was just thinking, we should probably turn in too.
Penny: well, my new bed got delivered, if you come over and put it together, you can stay at my place.
Leonard: Really, that’s a lot of work, and it’s kind of late.
Penny: Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.
Leonard: Let’s go.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behaviour. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.
Scene: Raj’s car.
 
Howard: Okay, wait, how about this? We say there were four goth girls, the two girls in the club had two friends.
Raj: I like it, I like it. Did they smell good despite their gothlike nature?
Howard: What’s that got to do with the story?
Raj: Engaging my olfactory sense helps make it real for me.
Howard: Fine, they smelled good.
Raj: Oh, they did. Like jasmine and honeysuckle.
Howard: Whatever.
Raj: And then they held hands and did a sexy, demonic hokey-pokey for us.
Howard: No, no. Look, let me say my story all the way through, and then you can say yours, and then we’ll pick.
Raj: I’m sorry. Go on.
Howard: Okay. We got tattoos, and then the four girls took us to their place.
Raj: But we don’t have tattoos. What if someone asks to see our tattoos?
Howard: We say they’re in a very intimate area.
Raj: Oh, we are bad boys, aren’t we?
Howard: Right, right, so we go back to their place, and then the six of us end up in a hot tub.
Raj: But we just got tattoos. Wouldn’t we be concerned about bacterial infection?
Howard: True. Okay, forget the hot tub. The point is, we each have a ménage with sexy goth girls.
Raj: Wow. What a great night.
Howard: Yeah. Hey, want to try a country bar tomorrow night.
Raj: Yeah, maybe we’ll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls.
Howard: Could happen.
Raj: I wonder how they smell.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?
Penny (arriving): Hi, guys. Hi, honey.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Ooh, we’re honey now, are we?
Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
Penny: You’re boring people sweetie.
Sheldon: Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.
Penny: So, what are you guys doing?
Howard: Celebrating Columbus Day.
Leonard: We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.
Penny: Okay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving?
Sheldon: The parade.
Penny: Oh, you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for thanksgiving, but this year they’re calling it off on account of my brother’s trial.
Leonard: What’s he on trial for?
Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.
Leonard: Oh. I’ll be there.
Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?
Penny: I guess I could serve both.
Sheldon: You guess? You don’t seem to have much of a handle on this.
Howard: Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil.
Penny: Tur-briska-fil?
Howard: Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It’s not as good as it sounds.
Penny: Raj, what about you?
Howard: Oh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal? (Raj bursts into tears and runs away) All right, this year, you don’t have to eat the tur-briska-fil. I don’t even chew it. I swallow it like pills.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: A few moments later.
Leonard: So, what’s going on with Raj?
Howard: Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother’s tur-brka-fil.
Penny: Hard to believe, but go on.
Howard: The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.
Leonard: What do you mean, he’s getting deported?
Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate.
Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.
Howard: Okay, she’s gone.
Raj: Sorry. I lost my cool.
Leonard: So, what’s going on?
Raj: Okay, here’s the deal, six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.
Howard: So?
Raj: So, my visa’s only good as long as I’m employed at the university, and when they find out I’ve got squat, they’re going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat.
Leonard: So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?
Raj: You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?
Sheldon: And you’ve continued to take the university’s money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.
Raj: I don’t want to go back to India. It’s hot and loud, and there’s so many people. You have no idea, they’re everywhere.
Howard: Okay, guys, think, how do we keep Raj in the country?
Penny (from outside): Why doesn’t he just get another job?
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): What are you asking me for? I don’t know if you can talk now or not.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Oh, beef, I’m going to miss you so much. Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald’s, you can’t get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac. And the special sauce, curry, which, in India,
believe you me, is really not that special.
Leonard: Don’t worry, you’ll find another job.
Raj: Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?”
Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.
Raj: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.
Raj: I’m sad.
Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.
Raj: What are you eating?
Sheldon: Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
Raj: Oh, beefaroni. I think I’ll miss you most of all.
Leonard: I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!
Sheldon: I’m sorry.
Raj: Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge.
Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: And you’re wrong about Hinduism and cows.
Howard (arriving): Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.
Raj: You, you’re kidding. That’s fantastic!
Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.
Raj: I’m on it.
Sheldon: That’s happy, right?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Nailed it.
Scene: Professor Laughlin’s office.
Prof Laughlin: Dr. Koothrappali, come on in. I was surprised to hear you were interested In joining our little team. Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?
Raj: No, no, it’s a very promising area. In a perfect world I’d spend several more years on it. But I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
Prof Laughlin: Splendid. Uh, please sit down. Can I offer you a sherry?
Raj: It’s a little early, isn’t it?
Prof Laughlin: Not on Proxima Centauri.
Raj: That’s very good. Jolly amusing, but if you don’t mind, I’ll hold off until sunset on titan.
Prof Laughlin: Oh, well done. I have a feeling you’re going to fit in just fine, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: Thank you, sir. (There is a knock on the door. A young woman enters)
Woman: I’m sorry. Am I late?
Prof Laughlin: No, no, no. Right on time. Dr. Koothrappali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT. She’ll be heading up our data analysis team.
Dr Millstone: It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali. I read your paper on Kuiper belt object size distribution. I really enjoyed it. How did you correct for the selection bias? (During this, Raj surreptitiously wanders over to where Prof Laughlin’s drinks are, pours himself a large sherry and knocks it back in one.)
Raj: Well, I ran a simulation that allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
Dr Millstone: That’s just fascinating.
Raj: Thank you. Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub? So, when do I start?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: What do you mean you didn’t get the job? How could you not get it?
Raj: You know, he’s British, I’m Indian, ever since Gandhi they haven’t liked us very much.
Leonard: Wait, are you saying that he discriminated against you? Because we should file a complaint.
Raj: That’s okay. A complaint has been filed. So, that’s it. That was my last hope. I’m going to be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay. Or, as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service.
Howard: I’m really going to miss you.
Raj: Will you come visit me in India?
Howard: Gee, that’s, like, a 17-hour flight. How about I meet you halfway?
Raj: Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
Howard: Tell you what, we’ll skype.
Sheldon (arriving): Gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…
Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.
Raj: You want me to work with you?
Sheldon: For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.
Raj: Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Raj (knocking and entering): Sheldon, are you busy?
Sheldon: Of course I’m busy.
Raj: Shall I wait?
Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?
Raj: I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.
Raj: Wha… You’re kidding!
Sheldon: Please.
Raj: All right.
Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?
Raj: Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years.
Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?
Raj: Sheldon, for God’s sakes, don’t make me beg.
Sheldon: Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Ah, it’s nice having the place to ourselves, isn’t it?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don’t have to chauffeur him around anymore. Plus, yeah, with them working late so much, we get some privacy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Hey, want to get a little crazy?
Leonard: What are you thinking?
Penny: Let’s slide over to Sheldon’s spot a make out.
Leonard: You are a dirty girl.
Penny (as the making out is interrupted by a knock on the door): Oh, God, how did he know?
Howard: Hello.
Leonard: Hi, Howard.
Howard: Am I interrupting?
Leonard: Little bit, yeah.
Howard: Guess I should have called.
Penny: Yeah, maybe.
Howard: Tonight’s the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the palomino.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Howard: But he’s working with Sheldon.
Penny: Yes, we know.
Howard: Want me to leave?
Leonard: You know, whatever.
Howard: Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while. So what are we watching? Sex and the city.
Yikes.
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard: Fine, let’s watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke.
Sheldon: I’m the boss. I make the jokes.
Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.
Sheldon: This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.
Raj: All right, let’s buckle down and work.
(To the tune of Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, there is a montage of images, in all of which Sheldon and Raj are staring at the same equation on a whiteboard.)
Raj: Sheldon.
Sheldon: What?
Raj: I need an aspirin.
Sheldon: Top desk drawer.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: Alright?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Good.
(Montage of scenes resumes)
 
Scene: Penny and Leonard exiting Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: That was fun. Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, honey, you don’t have to say thank you every time we have sex.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. Tomorrow you’re going to get a card in the mail. Just throw it away.
Howard: Top o’ the mornin’o ya!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Howard: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he’s still working with Sheldon, so I thought I’d come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It’s the perfect meal for apres l’amour.
Penny: Oh, kill me.
Howard: By the way, I couldn’t help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn’t have had to hear that.
Howard: What do you guys think? Want to take in a matinee, maybe go rollerblading, catch a step class?
Penny: Do something.
Leonard: Yeah, okay. Um, Howard, we need to talk.
Howard: Sure. ‘sup, homes?
Leonard: Uh, please understand that it’s not that we don’t want you around, but Penny and I occasionally need some alone time.
Howard: Oh. I get it, I’m the third wheel. Sorry, I should have seen that. I’ll get out of your way. Uh, you’re gonna want to eat those eggs while they’re still hot.
Leonard: Thank you. There’s lox and cream cheese in the fridge, the bagels are in the oven, I was warming them up.
Penny: That’s great.
Howard: Ill just hang out with my mom. That’s always fun.
Leonard: Good.
Penny: Are we terrible people?
Leonard: I don’t know. What do you want me to do?
Penny: Get him, bring him back.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Okay. Howard come back.
Howard: Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute.
Scene: Sheldon’s office. Sheldon is writing on the whiteboard.
 
Raj: No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?
Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?
Raj: I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space.
Sheldon: Astro means star.
Raj: Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt.
Sheldon: English is your native language.
Raj: Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this!
Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.
Raj: My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.
Sheldon: Caca?
Raj: It means doo-doo.
Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…
Raj: Aha! So I am working with you.
Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me.
Raj: Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry)
Sheldon: Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.
Raj: Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
Sheldon: No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.
Raj: Let me finish.
Sheldon: You’re defacing my work.
Raj: I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it.
Sheldon: Give me the eraser.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: I said give it to me.
Raj: Come and get it.
Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!
Raj: You are not my superior.
Sheldon: I am in every way.
Raj: Oh, yeah? Can you do this? (Performs  complex finger trick*) Nice working with you. I’m sorry, for you. (Exits. Sheldon stares a moment, then tries to perform the trick. Fails.)
Scene: Outside Raj’s flat.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.
Raj: I’m busy.
Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.
Raj: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.
Raj: So you were wrong.
Sheldon: I didn’t say that.
Raj: That’s the only logical inference.
Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.
Raj: For you or with you?
Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me.
Raj: All right, but I have some conditions.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: I’ll take the job. See you Monday.
Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.
Raj: How did you get here?
Sheldon: I walked.
Raj: So walk home.
Sheldon: I can’t. There’s a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.
Raj: All right. (As they walk down the corridor, Eye of the Tiger starts playing again.)
(* to perform trick, place both hands together as if praying, then fold two middle fingers over so that they pass to the right of one another, finally rotate right hand anti-clockwise and waggle both middle fingers)
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: All right, Raj has played his phantom warlord card, and I am going to back him up with my strangling vines. Choke on that, sucka.
Leonard: Okay, well, then I’ll just cut your vines with my ruby sword. That’s right, I did it. I cut ’em.
Penny: Um, I have a question.
Leonard: Warlord beats troll, troll beats elf, elf beats water sprite, and basically everything beats enchanted bunny.
Howard: Unless you have the carrot power.
Penny: Okay, I’ve got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah?
Leonard: Just play a potion card.
Penny: Which one?
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. You can’t possibly win.
Leonard: Sheldon, don’t ruin the game.
Penny: How could he ruin the game?
Sheldon: Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris.
Leonard: See? Ruined.
Penny: Sheldon, that is incredible.
Sheldon: From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.
Leonard: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon: Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I’ve told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of may seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry.
Howard: Well, I guess game’s over.
Penny: Really? Oh, great. I mean, aw. Okay, I gotta go.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Because the last me I didn’t go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard: Not Ka. Ka-ah.
Penny: Ba-eye.
Leonard: See ya. Still can’t believe she’s going out with me.
Raj: Nobody can.
Howard: That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you.
Leonard: What?
Howard: You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.
Leonard: Yeah, I don’t remember that.
Sheldon: June 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red icees, no blue.
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Howard: So you’ve been with Penny for like a month and a half now. Where’s my shorty, Morty?
Leonard: Howard, you can’t hold me to that.
Howard: Why not?
Leonard: Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.
Raj: Hey, how come I wasn’t part of this deal?
Sheldon: You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.
Raj: Oh, so that’s how it works? I have a teeny bladder and now I don’t get a hot girlfriend?
Howard: Yeah, Raj, that’s how it works.
Raj: Damn.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Leonard: Oh, damn it. Can I have a napkin?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, no.
Leonard: But you have a whole bunch of ’em.
Sheldon: Yes, I’ve moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies. If you like, starting tomorrow, I’ll add a guest napkin, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard steals a napkin) Good luck. That’s the face napkin.
Howard: So, have you talked to Penny yet?
Leonard: No, I haven’t.
Howard: Why not?
Leonard: Because I’ve been busy, because I haven’t figured out a way to bring it up, and mostly, and I can’t stress how key this is, because I don’t want to.
Howard: Leonard, a pact is a pact. You have to get Penny to fix me up.
Leonard: It’s not that simple. What am I supposed to say? Penny, do you have any friends you’d like to never hear from again?
Howard: Come on, I’m smart, I have good job and I have only three percent body fat.
Raj: It’s true. I’ve seen him at the beach, he’s like a human chicken wing.
Howard: Leonard, come on.
Leonard: Fine. I’ll ask if she has a friend for you.
Howard: A hot friend.
Leonard: Right.
Howard: And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they’re 20.
Leonard: I’ll see what I can do.
Raj: Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today?
Sheldon: I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.
Raj: Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today.
Sheldon: That would probably save us some time.
Raj: Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.
Raj: What about the money?
Sheldon: I have money.
Raj: But this is other money.
Sheldon: How does it different from the money I have?
Raj: Half of it will be mine.
Sheldon: Do you need it to buy a less disturbing sweater-vest?
Raj: Leonard, help.
Leonard: Are you kidding? I couldn’t even talk him into giving me one of his freakin’ napkins.
Scene: Leonard and Penny are in bed.
Penny: Wow, you really are a genius.
Leonard: Not really. I googled how to do that. So, listen, have you ever made a pact with someone?
Penny: You mean, like a pinky swear?
Leonard: Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
Penny: Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie. You know, from Sesame Street?
Leonard: Yeah, I’m familiar with Bert and Ernie.
Penny: Then we found out we both wanted Ernie. We didn’t speak again until middle school.
Leonard: Over puppets?
Penny: The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.
Leonard: Okay. Speaking of what the heart wants, um, a long time ago, I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you.
Penny: Okay, I don’t know where you’re going with this, but tread carefully because it may be the last conversation we ever have.
Leonard: No, no, nothing like that. The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend, we’d have her fix the other one up with one of her friends.
Penny: And you thought a good time to bring this up be right after sex.
Leonard: Well, I sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up before sex, and during, I was trying to remember what I read on google, so…
Penny: I’m not hooking Wolowitz up with one of my friends.
Leonard: Come on, it doesn’t have to be a good friend. And you know that deep down inside, Howard’s a really nice guy.
Penny: The problem isn’t what’s on the inside. It’s the creepy candy coating.
Leonard: Will you at least think about it? Just as a favour to me?
Penny: Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh.
Stuart: Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine’s coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?
Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.
Stuart: All right, I won’t set one aside for you.
Sheldon: But I must have it.
Stuart: Okay, I’ll set one aside for you.
Sheldon: Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?
Stuart: Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:
The Next Generation is going to be participating in your tournament?
Stuart: Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?
Sheldon: You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.
Raj: Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here.
Sheldon: I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Raj: Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here.
Sheldon: My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.
Raj: Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here.
Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.
Raj: Okay, I get it, he’s a bad guy. Sign here.
Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.
Raj: No doubt, sign here.
Sheldon: From hell’s heart, I stab at thee.
Stuart: All right, Raj, looks like you’re teamed up with die, Wil Wheaton, die.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
 
Howard: So, tell me more about the future mother of my children.
Penny: She’s adorable, Howard. I think you’ll like her.
Howard: Great. So what did you tell her about me? Did you mention the body fat?
Penny: No, I thought that would be a nice surprise for her.
Howard: Good, good.
Penny: I just told her you’re an aerospace engineer, you speak five languages…
Howard: Six if you count Klingon.
Leonard: Girls don’t count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: Right. Oh, and I told her you have an unhealthy attachment to your mother.
Howard: What?
Penny: I’m kidding.
Leonard: Another delightful surprise for her.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Sheldon, it’s your play. Sheldon.
Sheldon: My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.
Raj: Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top!
Sheldon: Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!
Raj: You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters.
Sheldon: Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?
Raj: Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship.
Sheldon: So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.
Raj: Dude, you have to stop talking like that. It’s really lame.
Sheldon: Silence!
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Howard: So, Penny tells me you’re working as a waitress to put yourself through grad school. That’s pretty great, what are you studying?
Bernadette: Microbiology.
Howard: Oh, cool. So you could study me.
Bernadette: I don’t understand.
Howard: Microbiology is the study of tiny living things.
Bernadette: I know, I’m studying it.
Howard: And I said you could study me ’cause I’m a tiny living thing. It’s a joke.
Bernadette: Are you sure?
Howard: Do you like science-fiction?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Role-playing games?
Bernadette: Like in the bedroom or like Dungeons and Dragons?
Howard: Either.
Bernadette: No.
Leonard: Gonna be a long night.
Penny: Yeah, well, it’s your fault.
Leonard: I had to ask. You didn’t have to say yes.
Howard: You like magic?
Bernadette: Not really.
Howard: Okay.
Leonard: Long, long night.
Scene: The comic book store.
 
Sheldon: I play my endless serpent. Raj will play ecstatic frenzy, which means Larry will have to play chaos overlord, then Captain Sweatpants, molten river. I play nightshade dryad, game, set and match. Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say revenge is a dish best served cold in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.
Scene: A restaurant.
 
Howard: How about computers? Do you like computers?
Bernadette: I use them. I don’t like them.
Howard: Okay… Puppies? Where do you stand on puppies?
Bernadette: A puppy once bit my face.
Howard: Of course it did.
Leonard: How about that? Einstein was wrong.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Approaching the speed of light doesn’t slow down time. Approaching them does.
Howard (phone rings): Excuse me. Oh, damn. It’s my mother.
Bernadette: Are you going to answer it?
Howard: I’m torn. She might be dying, and, you know, I wouldn’t want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard: Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you’ve had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette: Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you’re nine years old?
Howard: You live with your mother?
Bernadette: No. That’s the sad part.
Howard: Ooh, rough. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn’t pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette: That’s nothing. I couldn’t ride a bicycle ’cause my mother was afraid I’d hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard: Oh, wow. You didn’t, did you?
Bernadette: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard: Corolla!
Bernadette: Oh!
Howard: More wine?
Bernadette: I’d love some.
Howard: Listen, you have to come to shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: A catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I’ve been hoping for.
Bernadette: Okay, but only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard: It’s a date.
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Lava serpent.
Stuart: Nest of snakes.
Wil Wheaton: Underworld guardian.
Sheldon: Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.
Wil Wheaton: Invisibility spell.
Sheldon: Luminescence spell.
Wil Wheaton: Water nymph.
Sheldon: Fire demon.
Wil Wheaton: Two-headed tiger.
Sheldon: Three-headed lion.
Wil Wheaton: Sulphur.
Sheldon: Brimstone.
Raj: Problem, Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Hang on.
Sheldon: You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.
Wil Wheaton: I think he’s got me.
Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.
Wil Wheaton: What?
Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.
Wil Wheaton: You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.
Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you.
Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.
Wil Wheaton: It’s special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother?
Sheldon: Oh, yes.
Raj: Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off!
Wil Wheaton: It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.
Raj: What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him!
Sheldon: I can’t.
Raj: Sure you can. Do it! Do it!
Sheldon: No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny.
Raj: No! Not enchanted bunny!
Wil Wheaton: I call my mee-maw nana. And she’s going be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny. Game over, moon pie.
Sheldon: I… I… I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let’s get our prize money.
Stuart: That was fun.
Sheldon (while camera zooms out from Sheldon to above planet in a pastiche of the famous Wrath of Khan scene): Wheaton! Wheaton! Wheaton!
Scene: The stairwell. The guys are carrying kites.
Leonard: Kites, ho!
Howard: Kites ho!
Raj: Kites ho!
All three: Kites, ho!
Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re misusing the word ho. It’s an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, Land, ho! Or, uh, Westward, ho!
The three guys: Kites, ho!
Penny: Hey, guys. What you doing? Going out to discover electricity?
Leonard: If you’re referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin, he did not discover electricity, he merely used a kite to determine that lightning consists of electricity. He also invented the Franklin stove, bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter. Kites, ho.
Leonard: We’re heading out for some kite fighting.
Penny: Kite fighting?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. It’s an extremely competitive, cutthroat sport.
Sheldon: Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-Present danger.
Leonard: You want to come watch?
Penny: Oh, gee, sounds amazing, but, um, I’ve got some friends coming over. Not a big thing, we’re just gonna watch the Nebraska game.
Leonard: Oh. Football, sure.
Howard: Good guess.
Penny: I would’ve invited you, but I know you’re not a football fan.
Leonard: No, no, I’m not, so, great. You’ve got plans doing something you like, I’ve got plans doing something I like, so it’s good.
Penny: Well, maybe we’ll hang out later, you know, after everybody’s gone.
Leonard: Yeah, great.
Penny: See ya.
Leonard: Well, this sucks.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?
Raj: Leonard just realized that Penny’s been hiding him from her friends because he’s a tiny, little man who flies kites.
Sheldon: Oh, that certainly would suck.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The park.
Sheldon: Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I’ll go under and cut his line.
Leonard: Why wouldn’t Penny want her friends to meet me?
Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed.
Leonard: Maybe Koothrappali’s right, maybe I embarrass her.
Sheldon: You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.
Leonard: Sorry.
Sheldon: Sorry won’t bring their kites down. Ow! String burn! String burn!
Raj: Oh, they think we’re flanking, they’re playing right into our hands. On the count of three, we execute the flying scissor. One, two…
Howard: Whoa! Did you see that?
Raj: See what?
Howard: That chick, she smiled at me.
Raj: No, she didn’t.
Howard: Yes, she did.
Raj: Come on, scissors, scissors!
Howard: Hold my line.
Raj: Wait, what are you doing? I can’t scissors by myself! Howard! Come back!
Sheldon: Victory!
Raj: Son of a bitch.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Raj: You’re a sucky friend, you know that? A sucky, sucky friend.
Howard: What was I supposed to do? She gave me that come-hither look.
Raj: If she gave you any look at l. It was a you suck look.
Howard: I would’ve caught up to her if I hadn’t pulled a hammy.
Raj: Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy.
Leonard: So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be?
Sheldon: Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.
Leonard: Oh, how kind of her.
Sheldon: Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do?
Raj: You always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don’t have a shot with.
Howard: I totally had a shot.
Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park? That’s not a shot, that’s a felony. What’s worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could give me my kite back?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. (Sings) I have your kite. I have your kite.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: How was your football party?
Penny: It was pretty good. We won.
Leonard: Oh, that’s excellent. It’s a weird figure of speech, isn’t it, we won when you weren’t
actually playing. When we watch Star Wars, we don’t say, we defeated the Empire.
Penny: I’m glad to hear it.
Leonard: Oh, hey, on a related subject, are you embarrassed to have me around your friends?
Penny: Oh, my god, no. Why would you ask that?
Leonard: Well, you know, I just noticed I haven’t really met any of them.
Penny: Sure you have.
Leonard: Well, yeah, no, I met the huge ex-boyfriend and the smaller yet still larger than me ex-boyfriend. Were they here today?
Penny: Of course not.
Leonard: Of course not. Why would they be? Why would I ask? Why am I rambling? Why don’t you stop me?
Penny: Leonard, look, if you want to meet my friends, that would be great. I just, you know, I didn’t want you to be bored.
Leonard: I wouldn’t be bored. Why would I be bored?
Penny: Well, ’cause they’re not genius scientists.
Leonard: Penny, I like all sorts of people. In fact, some of my best friends aren’t geniuses.
Penny: Like who?
Leonard: Okay, some of my Facebook friends aren’t geniuses. My point is, if we’re going to be a couple, I should be friends with your friends.
Penny: Okay, great. Well, then why don’t you come over next Saturday and watch the game with us.
Leonard: Another football game?
Penny: They have them every week.
Leonard: Did not know that.
Penny: You wanted to meet my friends.
Leonard: Sure, sure, just I don’t know much about football.
Penny: Oh, that’s okay, a lot of the guys’ girlfriends don’t know football. They just kind of drink and talk in the kitchen.
Leonard: Great.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard and Raj are watching a football game on the television.
Leonard: Okay, a complete pass. First down, New England. I think I’m starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I’ve learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I’m just saying, maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.
Howard (arriving): Raj, what are you doing here? You were supposed to help me pimp out my Vespa.
Raj: I’m sorry, are you under the impression that we’re still friends?
Howard: Oh come on, you’re not still grinding on the kite thing, are you?
Raj: It’s not just the kite thing. Every time we go some place, you think you can just dump me whenever someone prettier comes along, even though you don’t have a shot with them.
Howard: But I had a shot with that jogger.
Raj: Fine. Paint green flames on your little scooter with her. (Leaves)
Howard: It’s not a little scooter. It’s the second biggest Vespa they make! Are you watching football?
Leonard: There’s no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there?
Howard: All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.
Leonard: Sacks, sacks…
Sheldon: It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
Leonard: Huh… Scrimmage…
Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defence.
Leonard: Oh.
Howard: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard: Apparently.
Howard: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.
Leonard: Unbelievable.
Sheldon: If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard: So you could teach me?
Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats?
Leonard: Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun.
Sheldon: That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.
Leonard: Please, I’m asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Fine.
Leonard: I really appreciate this.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
Leonard: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.
Scene: The kitchen. Sheldon is making toast in a cylon toaster which burns an image of a cylon onto the toast.
 
Leonard: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?
Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?
Leonard: What’s wrong with a football jersey?
Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.
Leonard: I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.
Leonard: Anyway, wish me luck.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?
Leonard: Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way.
Sheldon: How would you put it?
Leonard: Yeah, okay, like you said.
Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.
Leonard: Good-Bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?
Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m trying to fit in, not get laughed at.
Sheldon: What’s funny about Cylon toast?
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj is watching a Bollywood movie. There is a knock on the door.
Raj: It’s open.
Howard: Hey, pal.
Raj: What do you want?
Howard: I brought you a little gift. New kite.
Raj: The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang, an Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty.
Howard: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang?
Raj: Wow, you just don’t get it, do you? Buying me something pretty isn’t going to make our problem just go away.
Howard: Look, I admit I haven’t always been the best friend I could be.
Raj: You’ve been a sucky friend, a sucky, sucky friend.
Howard: Stipulated.
Raj: And you do it all the time. Last week in the mall at Radio Shack, we were looking for a phone with giant numbers for your mother, and I suddenly realize you’re not even there.
Howard: I know, I know.
Raj: And where were you?
Howard: Getting shot down by the girl at Hot Dog on a Stick. But in my defence, she was gorgeous, and working that squeezer to make the lemonade, going up and down and up and down. It was like a free pole dance right in the middle of the food court.
Raj: You’re impossible.
Howard: Hey, at least I can talk to women without being drunk.
Raj: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You’re just a douche.
Howard: No. You know what? Maybe that’s what this whole thing’s about. You’re not mad at me, you’re mad at yourself.
Raj: No, I’m mad at you. I hate myself, but I’m mad at you.
Howard: Fine. You’re mad at me. I get it. Now, how about we go spend the day together? Just the two of us. We’ll go anywhere you want.
Raj: I don’t know.
Howard: Come on. Let me take you someplace nice.
Raj: I… I do enjoy the La Brea Tar Pits.
Howard: Really, now? With the traffic and the parking, it’s… okay, fine. The Tar Pits. Let’s go.
Raj: Oh, why can’t I stay mad at you?
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Everyone is watching football.
Leonard: Go! Go! Go! Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what?
Penny: Sweetie, that’s a highlight from the ’98 championship game.
Leonard: Oh. Did not know that.
Penny: How much beer have you had?
Leonard: None, why?
Penny: Oh. I was just kind of hoping you were drunk. Now we’re back live.
Leonard: Okay, yeah. I can see the difference.
Guy in baseball hat: Oh, where’s the flag, that’s intentional grounding.
Second guy: Totally.
Leonard: That completely was a forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete to avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time. I can’t believe they’re not being penalized with the loss of a down and by having to move the line of scrimmage back to the spot of the foul.
Penny: Here, have some pizza, sweetie.
Leonard: Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant.
Penny: I know. I just need you stop talking.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Sheldon, come in.
Sheldon: Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.
Penny: There’s some in the fridge.
Sheldon: You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.
Sheldon: So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?
Leonard: Mimesis?
Sheldon: You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.
Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?
Sheldon: I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Leonard: Oh, I guess so.
Sheldon: Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?
Leonard: I don’t want to fly kites, Sheldon. We’re watching football here.
Sheldon: I can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances.
Leonard: Oh, look at that. The Oklahoma coach has thrown down a red flag indicating he’s challenging the ruling on the field. I hope he’s right, ’cause if he’s not, it’ll cost him one of his three time-Outs.
Penny: You know, Leonard, honey, I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon.
Leonard: No, I’ll watch the end of the game. Besides, there’s only three minutes left.
Penny: Until half time.
Leonard: This is just half? We’ve been here for hours.
Penny: And you’re gonna be here for a couple more.
Leonard: Oh, you’re kidding me.
Penny: No.
Leonard: Nice meeting all of you.
Penny: So, yeah, anyway, that’s my boyfriend. He is really smart.
Scene: The Le Brea Tar Pits.
Raj: I really like my saber-toothed cat. Thank you.
Howard: My pleasure. Maybe after lunch, we can go to Marie Callender’s and have some pie.
Raj: I’d like that. This is turning out to be a perfect Saturday.
Howard: Good. I’m glad. Oh, man. Did you see the way she smiled at me?
Raj: Fine. Go ahead.
Howard: No. This is our day.
Raj: If you want to chase after her, chase after her.
Howard: Ah, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have a shot with a girl like that.
Raj: Don’t put yourself down. You’re a very attractive man.
Howard: You think so?
Raj: Yeah. Absolutely. It wouldn’t kill you to take a Pilates class with me now and then, but you have a certain wiry appeal.
Howard: Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter ‘cause she wasn’t really smiling at me.
Raj: Actually, in this case, I think she was.
Howard: Really?
Raj: Yeah.
Howard: Bye.
Raj: What a douche.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game.
Sheldon: Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It’s like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.
Leonard: We must not be playing it right.
Penny: All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed.
Sheldon: Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.
Penny: Yay.
Sheldon: You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.
Leonard: Oh, gee, Sheldon, I don’t think we can play on Sunday.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: Because of the reasons that Penny will now tell you. Penny?
Penny: Actually, I have to pick up my friend Justin from the airport.
Leonard: There you go, she has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport, aAnd I can’t play ’cause I’m going with her, right?
Penny: Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers.
Leonard: Wait. What are you talking about?
Penny: My friend, Justin.
Sheldon: Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.
Leonard: Who is this Justin?
Sheldon: Your turn, Leonard.
Penny: I told you about him.
Leonard: No, you didn’t.
Sheldon: Roll the dice, Leonard.
Penny: Yeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he’s coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.
Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?
Leonard: Hang on. Some guy is going to be sleeping on your couch?
Penny: He’s not some guy. He’s my friend.
Leonard: So by friend, do you mean friend friend, gay friend, or ex boyfriend who you’re now platonic with but still might have a thing for you friend”?
Penny: Well, he’s definitely not gay.
Leonard: Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch. Yippee.
Penny: Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.
Leonard: Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked.
Sheldon: I’ll just roll for you.
Penny: Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Uh-oh! Industrial accident.
Penny: You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.
Leonard: I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic!
Sheldon: You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.
Penny: How is that not talking to me like I’m an idiot? It’s my friend, it’s my couch, and it’s my freakin’ life!
Sheldon: It’s also your roll.
Leonard: You know what? It is your life. If you want to have some stupid guitarist stay on your couch, then fine. Why don’t you just rent some bunk beds and invite The Black Eyed Peas?
Penny: Hey, if I want to invite the entire line up of Lollapalooza to sleep in my apartment, I will, and it’s none of your business!
Leonard: Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how childish you sound right now?
Penny: Oh, now I’m a child? Well, at least I’m not an idiot anymore!
Leonard: The two aren’t mutually exclusive!
Penny: Oh, you are such a… (Sheldon has placed ice in the blender and turned it on) What the hell is he doing?
Leonard: He’s drowning us out. He doesn’t like fighting.
Penny: Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!
Leonard: I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender.
Sheldon: Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?
Leonard: No, we just had a little spat.
Sheldon: Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?
Credits sequence
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: I don’t get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch.
Sheldon: Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.
Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?
Leonard: An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.
Leonard: And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy!
Sheldon: Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.
Leonard: What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you!
Sheldon: Leonard! Stop the car!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I can’t listen to the two of you fight anymore.
Scene: Leaving the apartment.
Sheldon: Come on, come on, we’re late.
Leonard: Calm down, we’ll make the movie.
Sheldon: I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.
Raj: Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.
Sheldon: Go, go, Power Rangers, go!
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey. We’re, uh, going to the movies.
Sheldon: No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.
Leonard: Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?
Penny: Not really, no.
Sheldon: All right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone’s civil, nobody’s fighting. Have a nice evening.
Leonard: Just give us a minute.
Howard: Oh, take all the time you need.
Leonard: So, are we going to talk about last night?
Penny: Are you ready to apologize?
Leonard: No.
Penny: E-e-e-e-eh! Wrong answer, but thank you for playing.
Leonard: Oh, come on. This is stupid.
Penny: Oh, there it is again! You think I’m stupid!
Leonard: No, there’s a difference between being stupid and acting stupid.
Penny: Oh, yeah? well, there’s a difference between being a jerk and being an ass!
Leonard: No, there isn’t! They’re synonyms!
Raj: Well, that was rather unpleasant.
Howard: Yeah, I don’t think I need my preshow urination anymore.
Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.
Scene: The comic book store.
 
Howard: Hey! Look! Amazing Spider-Man 183.
Sheldon: Got it.
Howard: Remember this one? Spider-Man loses a big fight and then his girlfriend breaks up with him. Want me to get it for you? It’ll help take your mind off things.
Stuart: Hey, guys. What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, we need to kill a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits.
Stuart: Oh, well, no problem. I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let’s face it, that’s just a slightly smaller lonely room filled with comic books.
Leonard: Thanks, Stuart. Let me ask you something. Do you think it’s okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard: No, I mean, she’s obviously way out of line.
Leonard: Thank you!
Howard: But if she dumps you, she’ll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning and you’ll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one. So the only question is, how long until you fold?
Leonard: I am not going to fold.
Raj: Well, excuse me, I don’t think Penny’s out of line at all. You don’t own her. It’s like my girl, Beyonce says, if you like it, you shoulda put a ring on it.”
Howard: Come on. At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it, she should’ve backed off.
Raj: You mean like when a guy’s upset because his friend agreed to take a cooking class with him and then doesn’t show up because he’s doing a juice fast with his mother?
Howard: I didn’t know you were upset about that.
Raj: Really! Did you miss all the subtle indicators, like me saying, Howard, I am upset.
Howard: Okay, sorry.
Raj: Maybe it means something different in this country. Back in India, it means you’re upset with a guy named Howard!
Howard: I said I’m sorry.
Raj: Sorry doesn’t make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice!
Howard: Yeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say “Have you ever peed so much in your life?”
Raj: Oh, my God, you are such a mama’s boy.
Howard: Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!
Raj: You brought your mother into this!
Sheldon: Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ’cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here! Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry! I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon.
Howard: Boy, what got him so upset?
Raj: Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon’s upset.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
 
Penny: Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.
Penny: Is Leonard coming?
Sheldon: No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.
Penny: Well, that’s not gonna happen.
Sheldon: I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.
Penny: Which is?
Sheldon: I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.
Penny: I’m busy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.
Penny: Fine. What do you want?
Sheldon: I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?
Penny: No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich.
Sheldon: You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.
Penny: Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want?
Sheldon: Of course not. I’ll have my usual.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?
Penny: Don’t you usually get lemonade?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Do you want lemonade?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Anything else?
Sheldon: Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.
Penny: I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.
Penny: Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you.
Sheldon: I don’t follow.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go.
Sheldon: All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.
Penny: Leonard is wrong.
Sheldon: Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?
Penny: I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed?
Sheldon: Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?
Penny: Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about?
Sheldon: Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.
Penny: My singing?
Sheldon: That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.
Penny: Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so?
Sheldon: Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.
Penny: Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead!
Sheldon: And she wonders why she’s constantly undertipped.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour.
Leonard: Sure.
Sheldon: Go apologize to Penny.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Right now would be good.
Penny (knocking): Leonard!
Sheldon: Although, a few minutes ago would have been better.
Penny: I hear you don’t like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality.
Leonard: What? Who would tell you something like that? Why would you tell her something like that?
Penny: It doesn’t matter why he told me. It’s true, isn’t it?
Leonard: Okay, yeah, it’s true, but I can live with that stuff. What I can’t live with is you casually informing me that some guy’s going to be staying in your apartment without even asking me first!
Penny: That isn’t even your problem, the problem is you don’t trust me!
Leonard: Oh, come on. Sheldon, have you ever once heard me say that I don’t trust Penny? Sheldon? Where did he go?
Penny: Oh, your yelling must have freaked him out again.
Leonard: Where are you going? You just walk away in the middle of an argument?!
Penny: No, I’m going to go find your damn roommate before he hurts himself trying to cross the street or something!
Leonard: Why didn’t you say so?
Penny: Oh, now I need your permission for that, too?!
Leonard: Well, I can’t read your mind, Penny!
Penny: Really? Why not? You’re so smart, and I’m so dumb!
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.
Raj: Stop knocking! It’s open! Please tell my parents that our dark matter research is at a critical juncture, and I can’t come home for my cousin Sanjay’s wedding.
Mrs Koothrappali: Sheldon, ask our son what we’re supposed to say to Mr. and Mrs. Choudhry, whose daughter, Lakshmi is flying in from London, for the sole purpose of meeting him.
Raj: I didn’t ask you to set me up with Lakshmi.
Mrs Koothrappali: You should be thanking us!
Dr Koothrappali: Yes, Lakshmi just got her stomach stapled. You have an opportunity to get in good with her before she loses weight, and her self-esteem goes up.
Raj: I don’t care! And why don’t you think I can find a woman for myself?
Mrs Koothrappali: Because you’re 27, and the closest thing we have to a daughter-in-law is that Jewish boy Howard.
Raj: Oh, that is completely below the belt. Sheldon, tell my parents that Howard and I are just friends. Sheldon? Howard and I are just friends! Fine. I’ll come home for Sanjay’s wedding.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny (out of the window): Sheldon! (whistles)
Leonard: What are you doing? He’s not a lost dog.
Penny: Hey, why don’t you just let me find him while you sit there hitting your imaginary brake?
Leonard: The brake might be imaginary, but that stop sign you just ran wasn’t.
Penny: What stop sign?
Leonard: Eyes on the road. Eyes on the road!
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. Sheldon rings the doorbell.
Howard’s Mother: Howard, answer the door! I’m busy!
Howard: I’m busy too, you answer it.
Howard’s Mother: I can’t! I’m on the toilet!
Howard: For God’s sake, I don’t need to hear that! Can’t you just say, I’m busy?
Howard’s Mother: I said I’m busy, but that wasn’t good enough for you!
Howard: You know what? I hope it’s one of those home invasion deals, and they shoot me in the head.
Howard’s Mother: Well, if it’s a home invader, don’t tell them I’m on the toilet!
Howard: There’s no one there. You’re hearing things, you crazy old lady!
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Hey, Stuart, have you seen Sheldon?
Stuart: Yeah, he’s, uh, over in the graphic novel section. Built himself a little nest.
Leonard: Thank you.
Stuart: Uh, Penny?
Penny: Yeah?
Stuart: Is everything okay?
Penny: What do you mean?
Stuart: Uh, Sheldon told me you and Leonard were having a fight?
Penny: Oh, yeah, kind of. It’s, it’s no big thing.
Stuart: Oh, good, good. (She moves away) I love you.
Leonard: I’m not leaving until you talk to me.
Penny: All right, what’s going on?
Leonard: It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us.
Sheldon: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go home. Look, we’re done fighting.
Sheldon: I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Penny: Okay, there’s going to no more shouting and no skeet-shooting.
Sheldon: Really? Where’s your friend Justin going to sleep?
Leonard: Yeah, where’s he gonna sleep?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
Stuart: I’d let it go.
Leonard: Why should I let it go? Why don’t you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep? (Sheldon turns on a loud toy robot) Oh, for God’s sakes. So, you have childhood issues, we all have childhood issues, at some point, you just need to grow up and get past them. (Sheldon turns on another robot)
Penny: Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? Look, let’s just… Sheldon, please,
try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we’re going to fight. But no matter what happens between us, we will always love you. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Always is a long time. Sure. Always.
Penny: You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home?
Sheldon: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, you can have that one.
Leonard: Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book, too?
Penny: Yes, you can.
Stuart: We meet again.
Scene: Penny’s bed.
Leonard: So what did Justin say when you told him he couldn’t sleep on your couch?
Penny: He’s a musician. He’ll sleep in his own vomit, if he has to.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is in his spot. Beside him, a long haired bearded person is asleep. There is a guitar propped up on the arm of the sofa.
Sheldon: I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.
Scene: A camp site.
Howard: How much time do we have?
Leonard: Uh, t-minus five hours, 37 minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Raj: Okay, our position is 34.48 degrees north, 118.31 west. That means the azimuth should be 168.22 degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of 49.93.
Howard: Anything yet?
Leonard: Uh, we have a signal, but there’s no frame lock.
Howard: Hang on, how about now?
Raj: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Howard: Ooh, Real Sex.
Raj: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it’s old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
Howard: Alright, let’s see what’s on the east coast feed.
Leonard: Oh, hey. Dune.
Raj: Not a great movie, but look at that beautiful desert.
Leonard: Too bad Sheldon couldn’t come with us.
Raj: Yes, it’s not the same without him. (They all laugh)
Howard: Oh, this sucks, I’m switching back to Real Sex.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Sheldon’s log, stardate 63345.3. While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower, I have remained behind to complete my paper on the decays of highly excited massive string states. Although my research is going well I do miss the warmth of human companionship. (He laughs)
 
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
 
Sheldon: And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m going to be dining alone this evening, so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and, uh, one half of the golden treasure for two. Oh, for heaven’s sake, in the mid-18th century, King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely, you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.
Penny (voice off): Sheldon help!
Sheldon: I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..
Penny: Come in! Hurry!
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: I’m back here.
Sheldon: (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..
Penny: Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom!
Sheldon: Shall I come back at a better time?
Penny: Get in here! Hurry! Don’t you dare knock.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.
Penny: I know. I slipped.
Sheldon: I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.
Penny: Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up?
Sheldon: They’re holding umbrellas.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: The ducks in my tub.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.
Penny: Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room.
Sheldon: Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.
Penny: Okay, can you drive me?
Sheldon: I don’t drive.
Penny: Well, I can’t drive!
Sheldon: Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.
Penny: Ow.
Sheldon: But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.
Penny: No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please.
Sheldon: All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.
Penny: No one’s saying that. Let’s go.
Sheldon: Well, it does seem rather ironic that for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks, we both might die in a fiery car crash.
Scene: The camp site.
 
Leonard: I wish Penny didn’t have to work, she loves camping.
Raj: Yeah, that would have been great. You and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.
Howard: Okay, the best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby. Mostly science nerds like us, but just over yon ridge are two not unattractive middle school teachers who reek of desperation.
Raj: Wow. Wonderful. How old are they?
Howard: Oh I don’t know, 50, 55.
Raj: Oh, menopause, nature’s birth control.
Leonard: Come on, you guys can’t be that hard up.
Howard: I am.
Raj: Yeah, me, too.
Howard: Look, they gave me homemade cookies.
Leonard: Of course, they did. That’s what grandmothers do.
Raj: So, what are we waiting for?
Howard: Relax, I said we’d stop by a little later after they have their nap.
Raj: Good idea. They’ll be refreshed.
Howard: Cookie?
Raj: Yeah, thank you. Mmmm.
Leonard: Mmmm, not bad.
Raj: Yeah, very tasty. Well, so tell me more about these teachers.
Howard: Not much to tell. They had a VW Microbus and were wearing tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirts.
Raj: Huh. Mmm. Good cookies.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?
Penny: I don’t need panties, I just need shorts and a shirt.
Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.
Penny: One was already in an accident.
Sheldon: That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.
Penny: Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes!
Sheldon: Okay, here.
Penny: Seriously? Those shorts with that top?
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: No… No… Oh, that’s cute.
Sheldon: We should have you checked for a concussion.
Penny: Okay, now, you got to help me put these on.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: But don’t look.
Sheldon: Don’t look?
Penny: I don’t want you to see me naked.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.
Penny: Yeah, great.
Sheldon: They always look. It never ends well.
Penny: Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Sheldon: Ok.
Penny: Is that my arm?
Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.
Penny: Then, maybe you should let it go.
Sheldon: All righty.
Scene: The camp site.
Leonard: Stars are pretty, aren’t they?
Howard: Up above the world so high, like little diamonds in the sky.
Raj: That’s beautiful, dude. You should… You should write that down before someone steals it.
Howard: So, when do the meteors get here?
Raj: The meteors don’t get here, the earth is moving into their path.
Leonard: I can feel it. I can feel the earth moving. It’s moving too fast. Raj, slow it down.
Raj: Okay, how’s that?
Leonard: Better. Thanks.
Howard: Stars are pretty, aren’t they?
Leonard: What’s so funny?
Raj: It’s your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid. (With an American accent) Stars are pretty, aren’t they?
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.
Penny: You have your learner’s permit, right?
Sheldon: Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.
Penny: Good.
Sheldon: Didn’t work out well.
Penny: All right, can we please go?
Sheldon: One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?
Penny: It’s right there.
Sheldon: Where is the passenger side mirror?
Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood. Now, can we please go?
Sheldon: Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat. Whee! Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.
Scene: The camp site.
 
Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed, and I would be their king.
Leonard: I hate my name. It has nerd in it. Len nerd.
Howard: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeanie.
Raj: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects. At first.
Leonard: You know what’s a cool name? Angelo. That has angel and jell-o in it.
Howard: It was my Uncle Murray’s funeral. We were all back at my Aunt Barbara’s house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen.
Raj: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits, they hate me and don’t come. I am embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
Leonard: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie, how’s it goin’?
Howard: To this day, I can’t look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny: Could you please drive a little faster?
Sheldon: Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that?
Penny: Nothing. The engine does that sometimes.
Sheldon: That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.
Penny: No. The light has been on since I bought the car.
Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.
Penny: It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.
Penny: Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It’s not soup, it’s courage.
Sheldon: No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How did you see it? You said you wouldn’t look.
Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.
Scene: The camp site.
Howard: Anything?
Leonard: No. That was the last pudding cup.
Howard: No! What about Slim Jims?
Leonard: That’s what he used to eat his pudding, remember?
Raj: Right! That was so good! Sweety and meaty at the same time.
Howard: Wait. Wait, wait. So you’re saying we’re out of food?
Leonard: The only thing in here are blue ice packs.
Raj: I know they’re poison, but they look like big, yummy otter pops.
Leonard: Oh, god, I am so hungry.
Howard: Me too. Check and see if we have any more pudding.
Leonard: Okay.
Scene: The hospital waiting room.
Sheldon: All right, there’s no need to bark at me. According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?
Penny: You ready know that.
Sheldon: Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to yes.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh, next question.
Sheldon: I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.
Penny: Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?
Sheldon: Episodes of sub psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass.
Sheldon: Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon, Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please just take a break from being you for just a minute and try being, I don’t know, comforting?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. There, there. Everything’s going to be fine. Sheldon’s here.
Penny: Thanks. That’s much better.
Scene: The camp site.
Raj: Oh, I’m so hungry!
Leonard: Will you shut up? We’re all hungry.
Howard: Okay, our objective is the boy scout campsite to the east. Easy target. Big doughy scout master, couple of cubs, most webelos.
Leonard: What kind of score are we looking at?
Howard: Hot dogs, buns, s’mores, I mean, it’s a freaking 7-11.
Leonard: All right, everyone grab flashlights.
Howard: Oh, my god, could it be? Yes! My mother put an I love you brisket in my backpack.
Leonard: Quick, get forks.
Howard: You don’t need forks. It’s so tender, it falls apart in your hands.
Raj: He’s right.
Leonard: I feel like we’re forgetting something important.
Raj: Me, too. But what? (Behind them, the meteor shower has begun)
Howard: Maybe a tupperware bowl of roasted potatoes and carrots?
Leonard and Raj together: Yes! Yes!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool.
Penny: Wait. You have to help me get into bed. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that.
Sheldon: Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds.
Penny: You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.
Sheldon: That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Penny: Sing “Soft Kitty” to me.
Sheldon: “Soft Kitty” is for when you’re sick. You’re not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
Sheldon (singing): Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Penny: Wait, wait. Let’s sing it as a round. I’ll start. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… See that’s where you come in. I’ll start over. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… I’ve got all night, Sheldon. Soft kitty, warm kitty… (Sheldon joins in with the round) little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Scene: The camp site. Raj is telling a ghost story with the torch on his face.
Raj: …And the next morning when he woke up, he rolled over and realized… duh-duh-duh! …she was his cousin.
Howard: That’s still not funny.
Raj (imitating him): That’s still not funny.
Howard: And she was my second cousin.
Raj (imitating him): And she was my second cousin.
Howard: You’re a real douche.
Raj: Who cares? You slept with your cousin.
Scene: Outside an apartment building.
Howard: So two years later, there’s a knock on the door, guy opens it, and there on his porch is the snail, who says, “What the heck was all that about?”
Bernadette: I don’t really get it.
Howard: Well, see, it took two years for the snail to… (she kisses him) not important.
Bernadette: Can I ask you a question?
Howard: Sure.
Bernadette: Where do you think this is going?
Howard: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette: You’re so funny. You’re like a stand-up comedian.
Howard: A Jewish stand-up comedian, that’d be new.
Bernadette: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard: No, I was just… never mind.
Bernadette: Look, Howard, this is our third date and we both know what that means.
Howard: We do?
Bernadette: Sex.
Howard: You’re kidding.
Bernadette: But I need to know whether you’re looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard: Okay, just to be clear, there’s only one correct answer, right? It’s not like chicken or fish on an airplane?
Bernadette: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard: You know, it’s not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette: Call me when you figure it out.
Howard: Three dates means sex? Who knew?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Greetings, homies, homette.
Penny: Why are you back from your date so early?
Howard: In romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
Penny: What exactly does that mean?
Leonard: He struck out.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj: Actually, I’ve never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard: With Penny and me, it took two years. Now that I think about it, that was three dates.
Howard: Okay, well, before you and Penny hooked up, did she ask for any kind of commitment?
Leonard: No, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open.
Sheldon (arriving): I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?
Leonard: The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.
Sheldon: I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?
Leonard: Never mind, what’s your announcement?
Sheldon: Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…
Kripke: Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.
Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.
Kripke: My pweasure.
Sheldon: My thank you was not sincere.
Kripke: But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical.
Sheldon: Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.
Leonard: Are you really going to be on NPR?
Sheldon: Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.
Leonard: Very cool, congratulations.
Sheldon: Thank you. My mother is very excited. She’s convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul.
Raj: I was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, “Fever 104, आज के नये अच्छे संगीत का घर.” That means: “Fever 104, home of the really good current music.” It’s much catchier in Hindi.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: All right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they’re simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.
Howard: Excuse me, I have a master’s degree in engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.
Sheldon: Yes. Look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.
Leonard: You know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don’t have to do it.
Raj: In fact, it’s better if you don’t, otherwise it makes the rest of us look bad.
Penny: Hi, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me. I’m sorry, just screwing with you. Hey, Howard, why haven’t you called Bernadette?
Howard: Did she say something?
Penny: Yeah, she said she hasn’t heard from you in a week. I thought you liked her?
Howard: I do, yeah, but she wants a commitment and I’m not sure she’s my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free. What more do you need?
Howard: Look, Bernadette is really nice. I just always thought when I finally settle down into a relationship, it would be with someone, you know, different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard: Well, you know, more like Megan Fox from Transformers, or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You’d have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Howard: Okay, now you’re just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like 20 years ago, imagine how saggy those things would be.
Penny: Howard, you’re going to throw away a great girl like Bernadette because you’re holding out for some ridiculous fantasy?
Howard: Hey, just because you settled doesn’t mean I have to.
Leonard: Excuse me, I’m sitting here.
Penny: Hey, I did not settle for Leonard. I mean, obviously, he isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with, you know, physically.
Leonard: Again, I’m right here.
Penny: My point is, I do not judge a book by its cover. I am interested in the person underneath.
Leonard: I am here, right? You see me.
Howard: Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.
Penny: All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong…
Sheldon: Excuse me, may I interject?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Now, whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
Scene: Kripke is in a storage cupboard of some kind. He has tubes rigged up through the roof attached to helium tanks which he is turning on. The radio is playing.
Radio: This is Ira Flatow and you’re listening to NPR’s Science Friday. Joining us today by phone from his office in Pasadena, California is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Kripke: Oh, this is going to be a wiot.
Scene switches to Sheldon’s office, where the end of the tubing can be seen coming through the wall. Hissing can be heard.
Radio: Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: My pleasure, Ira.
Ira: Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?
Sheldon: Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.
Ira: Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.
Sheldon (even higher pitch): No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole.
Scene cuts to university cafeteria where Kripke is holding up the radio for all to listen.
Sheldon: A requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. I, myself, led an expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I’m going to kill you!
Scene: Howard’s bathroom. He is in the bath.
Howard: So nice you could join me this evening. You’re looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard: Come on, Katee, don’t make it sound so cheap.
Katee: I’m sorry, fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee: Sure. But can I ask you a question first?
Howard: You want to play Cylon and colonist?
Katee: No. I want to know why you’re playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard: You mean, Bernadette?
Katee: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She’s a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard: I know, but she’s not you.
Katee: I’m not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard: Really? Tall?
Katee: Six-four.
Howard: Ouch.
Katee: The point is, you’ve got a wonderful girl in your life, and you’re ignoring her in order to spend your nights in the bathtub with a mental image and a wash cloth.
Howard’s Mother: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard: I’m taking a bath!
Howard’s Mother: I hope that’s all you’re doing! We share that tub!
Howard: Don’t remind me! (Katee has vanished) Oh, man. All soaped up and no place to go.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: How ya doin’, buddy?
Sheldon: I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?
Leonard: Come on, it wasn’t that bad.
Sheldon: What do you want?
Raj (in a munchkin voice): We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.
Leonard: Okay, so Kripke played a joke on you.
Sheldon: It wasn’t funny.
Raj: I thought it was funny.
Leonard: Raj.
Raj: You laughed.
Sheldon: Did you laugh?
Leonard: I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back.
Sheldon: I refuse to sink to his level.
Raj: You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.
Leonard: Are you really admitting defeat?
Sheldon: I never admit defeat.
Leonard: Good.
Sheldon: However, on an unrelated topic, I am never getting out of this bed again.
Leonard: What if you could make Kripke look even sillier than he made you look?
Raj: I don’t think that’s possible, dude.
Leonard: You’re not helping.
Raj: I didn’t come to help, I came to mock.
Leonard: Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.
Raj: That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.
Leonard: No, no.
Sheldon: It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.
Leonard: Okay, uh, that’s the spirit, but, um, let’s dial it back to a non-lethal form of vengeance.
Sheldon: Oh! How about we put awhoopee cushion on his office chair? He’ll sit down, it’ll sound like he’s flatulent, even though he’s not.
Leonard: Let’s keep thinking.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Howard enters.
Penny: Oh, gee, you’re too late. Scarlett Johansson and Wonder Woman were just in here trolling around for neurotic, little weasels.
Howard: Yeah, I came to talk to Bernadette. She’s working today, right?
Penny: Yes, but I don’t think she wants to see you.
Howard: Why not?
Penny: Come on, Howard. You hurt her feelings by not calling her all week. Plus, I’ve kind of been talkin’ some smack about ya.
Bernadette: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Wait, Bernadette, I need to talk to you.
Bernadette: I can’t now, I’m working.
Howard: This will only take a second. You asked me to think about where our relationship was going, and I did. Bernadette? Will you marry me?
Bernadette: Is this more comedy that I don’t understand?
Howard: No. I’m serious. I’m never going to find another girl like you who likes me and is, you know, real.
Bernadette: So, this isn’t a joke?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: Then you’re insane.
Howard: I prefer to think of myself as quirky.
Bernadette: Howard, we’ve only been on three dates. We haven’t even had sex yet.
Howard: Fair enough. When’s your break?
Bernadette: Wow. (Walks away)
Howard: Don’t you just hate when this happens?
Penny: Wow.
Scene: The apartment kitchen.
Sheldon: All right, how’s this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.
Raj: What’s this?
Sheldon: Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.
Raj: Foamy vengeance.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.
Leonard: This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office?
Sheldon: Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
Raj: Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
Sheldon: You flatter me, sir.
Leonard: Let me guess, motion sensors?
Sheldon: The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.
Leonard: I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. (Sits down. There is a flatulent noise)
Sheldon: It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
Raj: Here comes Kripke!
Leonard: Who is that with him?
Raj: I believe that’s the president of the university.
Leonard: And the board of directors. Abort! Abort!
Sheldon: There is no abort.
Raj: Well, how could you not put in an abort?
Sheldon: I made a boo-boo, all right?
Kripke: I think the board will weally appweciate how well we’re using that NSA gwant, Pwesident Seibert. Wight here we have a micwo-contwolled pwasma… (foam falls from the ceiling soaking everyone)
Raj: Wow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day.
Leonard: At least they don’t know it was you.
Sheldon (on Kripke’s computer in the lab): Hello, Kripke. This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper. If you’d like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube. Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
Raj: Well, I’m going back to India. What’s your plan?
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
 
Penny: Hey, here’s your tip from table seven.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Howard (on the stage, into a microphone): Testing. Check. Check two.
Bernadette: Oh, now what?
Penny: You want me to throw him out?
Bernadette: No, that’s okay.
Penny: Are you sure? He’s small. I bet I can get a nice, tight spiral on him.
Howard: I want to dedicate this number to a great gal who I’ve done wrong. (To the tune of the Four Tops song Bernadette) Bernadette, I am so sorry for trying to propose to you, Bernadette, you found it creepy but that’s just the kind of thing I do. I know now it was too soon to talk of love. It was just a crazy idea that came to me in my tub. But, Bernadette, give me one more chance, sweet Bernadette, I’ll get the hang of this thing they call romance, sweet Bernadette, I dream to once again kiss your lips, sweet Bernadette. Sincerely yours, Howard Wolowitz, Bernadette…
Penny: Oh, I am so sorry.
Bernadette: Are you kidding? That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Howard (still singing): …Bernadette! Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!
Scene: The apartment
Penny: Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)
Sheldon: Leonard, she’s doing it again.
Leonard: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
Sheldon: No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.
Penny: You want me to put it back?
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.
Howard (arriving): What’s up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: Leonard, Penny, you know my girlfriend Bernadette.
Leonard: Yeah. Hey.
Howard: Bernadette, say fo’shizzle to my nerdizzles.
Bernadette: I don’t think I can. I don’t have Howard’s street cred.
Howard: I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.
Leonard: Sure. The more, the merrier.
Sheldon: Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.
Penny: Oh, come on, it’s fine. We’ll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. And while we’re at it, why don’t we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?
Leonard: Relax, it’ll be fine, sit down, you guys.
Everyone: NO!
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Oh, yeah, you can’t sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard: That’s where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can’t sit somewhere else?
Penny: Oh no, no, you see, in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he’s warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn’t direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon: Perhaps there’s hope for you after all.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: A few moments later.
Bernadette: Ooh, I love your shoes.
Penny: Oh, thanks. They are cute, aren’t they?
Bernadette: Where’d you get them?
Penny: Shoes for Less.
Bernadette: I’ve been meaning to go over there.
Penny: Oh, great selection, great prices.
Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon. let the womenfolk chat.
Penny: Womenfolk?
Howard: Gals? Chicks? Utero-Americans?
Penny: Just eat your dinner.
Bernadette: Don’t take him too seriously, a lot of what he says is intended as humour.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think it’s very funny.
Bernadette: Me neither, but he just lights up when I laugh.
Penny: Howard, never let her go.
Bernadette: So, Leonard, Howard says you’re working on fundamental tests of quantum mechanics.
Leonard: I am. Are you interested in physics?
Bernadette: Oh, I find it fascinating. If I hadn’t gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing.
Leonard: Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.
Bernadette: That’s amazing.
Sheldon: Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.
Bernadette: Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions?
Leonard: Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.
Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga. I don’t care.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Raj are playing a racing game on the Wii.
Raj: Ha! Eat my dust, racially stereotypical plumber.
Sheldon: That’s not fair. I got stuck behind a tree.
Raj: And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive.
Sheldon: Just need a little more practice.
Raj: What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.
Penny (knocking and entering): Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second?
Sheldon: It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.
Penny: It’s not about shoes.
Sheldon: Then speak.
Penny: Um, actually, can we do it in private?
Sheldon: All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.
Penny: Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics?
Sheldon: A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.
Penny: Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does.
Sheldon: Why can’t Leonard teach you?
Penny: ‘Cause I want to surprise him.
Sheldon: Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me.
Sheldon: Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.
Penny: You’re sitting here playing video games all day.
Sheldon: Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?
Penny: Sure. I did the one with the frogs.
Sheldon: The one with the frogs.
Penny: Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.
Penny: Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment.
Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.
Penny: Great! It’s a little insulting, but great. I’ll be KoKo.
Sheldon: Not likely. KoKo learned to understand over 2,000 words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, fellas. This is my girlfriend Bernadette. My girlfriend Bernadette.
Bernadette: Who are all those people?
Howard: Have no idea. Hey, Leonard.
Bernadette: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, look, it’s Howard and his girlfriend Bernadette.
Howard: Thought I’d give the little woman a tour of the old salt mines.
Bernadette: He doesn’t mean salt mines. He means where he works.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I got it.
Bernadette: So, how’s your experiment going?
Leonard: Ah, terrific. We’re getting the electron accelerator set up. We should be ready to go day after tomorrow.
Bernadette: Boy, I’d love to see that.
Leonard: You’re welcome to come.
Bernadette: Really? Oh, that’d be great. How exciting is that?
Howard: Like Hanukkah in July.
Bernadette: Do they have that?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: Oh. You got me again. This isn’t non-fat yogurt, this is fatty fat fat. Excuse me.
Howard: Could you grab me another napkin, sweetie?
Bernadette: Sure.
Howard: Thanks, honey. (She goes) All right, what is your deal?
Leonard: Excuse me?
Howard: Inviting my girlfriend to come see your electron accelerator?
Leonard: Yeah? So?
Howard: Wow! You really are a piece of work. It’s not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee, too?
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Howard: Don’t play innocent with me. I practically invented using fancy lab equipment to seduce women.
Leonard: Has it ever worked?
Howard: Not so far, but that’s not the point!
Leonard: Howard, relax, I’m not interested in your girlfriend.
Howard: I hope not, because you don’t want to mess with me. I’m crazy.
Leonard: I believe you.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Research journal, entry one. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.
Penny: Ready to get started?
Sheldon: One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?
Penny: Um, I don’t have one.
Sheldon: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?
Penny: I have to take notes?
Sheldon: How else are you gonna study for the tests?
Penny: There’s gonna be a test?
Sheldon: Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.
Penny: Ancient Greece?
Sheldon: Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?
Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work?
Sheldon: This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Penny: Twenty six hundred years?
Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?
Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can’t you hold it?
Penny: Not for twenty six hundred years.
Sheldon: Project Gorilla, entry two. I am exhausted.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Howard?
Howard: Huh?
Bernadette: It unhooks in the front.
Howard: Oh, that explains a lot.
Howard’s Mother: Howard, I’m home!
Howard: Of course.
Howard’s Mother: Senior fitness was cancelled. It turns out you can forget how to ride a bike. I’m fine, but, oy, did Sam Harpootian eat gravel.
Howard: That’s great, Ma!
Howard’s Mother: What’s great about an 80-year-old Armenian man with half his chin scraped off?
Bernadette: I guess I should go.
Howard: No, no, don’t move. Hey, Ma, can I have lamb stew for dinner?
Howard’s Mother: Lamb stew? I’d have to go to the supermarket.
Howard: Please? I got a real hankering.
Howard’s Mother: Oh, I can’t say no to my little tushy face. I’ll be back soon.
Howard: Thanks, Ma.
Howard’s Mother: Do you want the regular peas or the Le Seur?
Howard: Always Le Seur peas with lamb stew!
Howard’s Mother: You’re right! When you’re right, you’re right! What if they’re out of the Le Seur?
Howard: Then get the regular!
Howard’s Mother: All right! You don’t have to yell!
Howard: Sorry about that.
Bernadette (her phone chimes): Let me just put that on vibrate.
Howard: I’m already on vibrate.
Bernadette: You know, that one I got. Howard, did you say something to Leonard about me?
Howard: Uh, what do you mean?
Bernadette: He says if I go see his experiment tomorrow it might weird you out.
Howard: Really? He said that?
Bernadette: You’re not jealous of Leonard, are you?
Howard: Me? No. I may have mentioned that it’s a little inappropriate to be asking another man’s girlfriend to his experiment without first discussing it with said man.
Bernadette: Are you saying I need to ask your permission to hang out with Leonard?
Howard: I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, I was this close on the bra.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Now, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?
Penny: Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?
Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?
Penny: I don’t know.
Sheldon: How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?
Penny: Hey! You don’t have to be so mean!
Sheldon: I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?
Penny: No, you just suck at teaching.
Sheldon: Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?
Penny: Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?
Sheldon: All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…
Penny: Not that far back!
Sheldon: Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?
Penny: I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky?
Sheldon: Greece.
Penny: Damn it!
Sheldon: There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?
Penny: Squared?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Aristotle?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Five?
Sheldon: Oh!
Penny: Then I don’t know.
Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I’m stupid!
Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.
Penny: Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.
Penny: Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles?
Sheldon: A good question.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?
Penny: Oh, balls.
Sheldon: It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Howard: Okay, I got a bone to pick with you.
Leonard: What did I do now?
Howard: I was in bed with Bernadette, and you text-blocked me.
Leonard: What?
Howard: We were completely naked, about to devour each other when, you text her that I have a problem with her hanging out with you.
Leonard: You do have a problem with her hanging out with me.
Howard: Yeah, but that’s not what you tell her.
Leonard: What was I supposed to tell her?
Howard: I don’t know, something that doesn’t make me come off as a petty, jealous douche.
Leonard: And what would that be?
Howard: Come on, do I have to think of everything?
Bernadette: Hey, Leonard. Am I too late to see the experiment? Oh, hi.
Howard: Hi.
Bernadette: What are you doing here?
Howard: Same thing you’re doing here. I came to see Leonard’s experiment.
Bernadette: No, you didn’t. You said Leonard’s experiment was stupid.
Leonard: You told her my experiment was stupid?
Howard: I was just repeating what Sheldon said. Let’s not get off topic, Bernadette, I need to apologize. I was wrong to tell you who you should be friends with.
Leonard: Should I, um, leave you two alone?
Bernadette: No, Leonard, you should hear this.
Leonard: Okay, good, ’cause I wasn’t really gonna go.
Howard: Look, I know I come off as confident and worldly, but the truth is I’m not.
Leonard: We’re shocked.
Howard: Which is why I tend to feel threatened by other guys.
Leonard: Or loud noises, clowns and nuns.
Howard: But I now realize how foolish that is.
Leonard: He had a panic attack once when he got his head stuck in a sweater.
Howard: It was a full turtleneck. Why aren’t you helping me?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe because I’m crazy?
Howard: Bernadette, please, I’m asking you to give me another chance.
Bernadette: What do you think, Leonard? Should I give him another chance?
Leonard: It’s up to you. He didn’t call your experiment stupid.
Bernadette: Come here, tushy face.
Leonard: Tushy face, that is going on Twitter right now.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Raj, you should’ve seen Leonard’s experiment. The interference pattern was so cool when the electron beam was on.
Leonard: I’m glad you enjoyed it. Most people aren’t that interested in what I do.
Penny: Actually, that’s not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I’ve been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands. Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect. That’s it. That’s all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Oh, I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
Leonard (singing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Penny: You really didn’t like it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard (continuing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I just love decorating the Christmas tree. It makes me feel like a little girl again.
Leonard: We didn’t have a tree when I was growing up.
Penny: Really? Why not?
Leonard: Mmm, in my family, holidays weren’t so much celebrated as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society.
Penny: Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents?
Leonard: Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.
Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.
Penny: So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree.
Sheldon: I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon: You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.
Penny: Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy.
Sheldon: Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.
Leonard: Merry Newton-mas, everyone.
Sheldon: I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.
Penny: No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane.
Sheldon: No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.
Leonard: No, he doesn’t.
Sheldon: I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.
Leonard: Yeah, you got me. I’m a Leibniz man.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps when your mother gets here, she’ll talk some sense into you.
Penny: What? Your… your mother’s coming? When?
Leonard: Tomorrow.
Penny: When were you going to tell me?
Leonard: Um, tomorrow?
Penny: Why were you keeping this a secret?
Leonard: Well, I just, I thought…
Sheldon: If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate.
Penny: Why wouldn’t she approve of me? I’m adorable.
Leonard: You are, it’s just…
Sheldon: If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it’s doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu.
Penny: Hey, it’s a big menu. There’s two pages just for desserts.
Leonard: I know. And those specials, they change every day.
Penny: Okay, you know what? It’s lame when I say it, it’s just ridiculous when you pile on.
Leonard: Okay, sorry.
Penny: So what did she say when you told her we were going out?
Leonard: Um…
Penny: You didn’t tell her we were going out, did you?
Leonard: Um…
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Um…
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Beverley: It was so nice of you to come all the way down to the airport to pick me up.
Sheldon: No trouble at all.
Leonard: I drove, Mother. I’m driving now.
Beverley: Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory.
Sheldon: My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper?
Sheldon: August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.
Beverley: Oh, did I thank you for the flowers?
Sheldon: You did.
Beverley: I don’t really like flowers.
Sheldon: Neither do I, but it’s the social convention.
Beverley: It is, isn’t it?
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. You had surgery?
Beverley: Yes, and Sheldon sent me flowers.
Leonard: No, I heard that.
Beverley: Then what was all that wait, wait, wait about?
Leonard: I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.
Beverley: Well, I would assume it’s because Sheldon and I stay in touch due to mutual interest and respect, while you avoid me, due to unresolved childhood issues.
Sheldon: It’s what we think caused your narcissistic personality disorder. We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got onto the subject of you is baffling.
Beverley: Yes, but we are on the subject, so I’m obliged to ask, Leonard, how are you?
Leonard: Fine, Mom. How are you?
Beverley: Mmm, menopausal.
Leonard: Now I’m less fine.
Beverley: Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged?
Leonard: No. Sheldon, why didn’t you tell me?
Sheldon: My bad. I did send a gift from both of us.
Beverley: She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist.
Leonard: You must be very happy.
Beverley: Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…
Leonard: Not the time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?
Beverley: It’s all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard’s not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioural tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.
Sheldon: Isn’t she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Beverley: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent homosexual feelings toward one another?
Howard: What? No.
Beverley: Why not?
Howard: Because we don’t have latent homosexual feelings toward one another.
Beverley: I see.
Howard: No, really. I have a girlfriend now.
Beverley: And where is she this evening?
Howard: She had to go out of town. Her grandmother died.
Beverley: I see. Her grandmother died.
Howard: Honest to God. Leonard, tell her I have a girlfriend.
Leonard: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Howard: What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about? Tell her I have a girlfriend!
Leonard: All right. He “has” a “girlfriend.”
Howard: Her name is Bernadette, she’s working as a waitress, but she’s going to school to be a microbiologist.
Beverley: Howard, keep in mind that the more passionately you stick to this construct, the more you’re hurting your partner.
Howard (to Raj who has whispered to him): Do you really think your lips in my ear is helping?
Penny (arriving): Hi. Sorry I’m late.
Leonard: Oh, glad you’re here, uh, sit down, I’ll get you a plate. Mom, you remember Penny.
Beverley: Oh, yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher’s mitt for Christmas, so I’m going to say no.
Howard: If it helps, we’re all good with your breasts.
Beverley: Classic overcompensation. Oh, speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me, I’m divorcing yours.
Leonard: What?
Beverley: Yes. He was cheating on me.
Leonard: No!
Beverley: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress? Oh, no offense, dear.
Penny: No, it sounded like a compliment.
Leonard: When did this happen?
Beverley: Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father?
Sheldon: September 22nd.
Beverley: Oh, yes, that’s right. The weekend after Leonard’s dog died.
Leonard: Mitzy’s dead?
Sheldon: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?
Leonard: I don’t believe this. Why am I the last to know?
Beverley: Excuse me, Leonard, I am the one who’s getting a divorce, Mitzy is the one who is dead. Why are you the one making a fuss?
Leonard: You’re right. I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m sorry, I’m way out of line!
Beverley: So, Penny, what’s new in your life?
Penny: Nothing. Not a damn thing.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Beverley: Thank you for driving me back to my hotel.
Penny: Oh, it’s not a problem.
Beverley: I was going to ask Leonard to do it, but he seemed a bit emotionally unstable and you don’t want someone like that operating heavy machinery.
Penny: No, you do not.
Beverley: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that. So, uh, you must be devastated about your divorce.
Beverley: Oh, not at all. But I am a bit distressed to be in a vehicle that’s not subjected to regular maintenance.
Penny: Come on, I mean, you’re not upset that your marriage is over?
Beverley: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that’s the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
Penny: Sure, sure.
Beverley: Thankfully, my shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that I haven’t had intercourse with him in eight years.
Penny: Eight years?
Beverley: Oh, that’s nothing. I’ve been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes. What’s so funny?
Beverley: That’s exactly what I say during orgasms. Yikes.
Penny: You know what? I could use a drink. Do you want to stop for a drink?
Beverley: Oh, I don’t drink.
Penny: I do, I’ll teach you.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.
Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.
Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.
Leonard: I want that too. Why are you here?
Sheldon: To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.
Leonard: Thank you, that’s very comforting.
Sheldon: That’s not the comforting part.
Leonard: It’s not?
Sheldon: No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.
Leonard: You’re right, I do feel better.
Sheldon: Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.
Leonard: You’re my surrogate family?
Sheldon: If it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about it either. Good night.
Scene: A bar.
 
Penny: Okay, now this time try drinking it all at once.
Beverley: Yikes.
Penny: I’ve been responsible for my own buzz since 2003. Another round for me and my homegirl.
Beverley: I feel a spreading warmth through my extremities.
Penny: As long as you don’t feel it running down your pants, you’re fine.
Beverley: Oh, that is fascinating. I’m noticing an immediate lowering of my inhibitions. For example, I’m seriously considering asking that busboy to ravish me in the alleyway while I eat cheesecake. What do you think?
Penny: Well, we are known for our cheesecake. Hit us again.
Beverley: Yes. If a little is good, more must be better.
Penny: Hey, Bev, guess what?
Beverley: What?
Penny: I’m sleeping with your son.
Beverley: Really? Which one?
Penny: The one from whom I live across the hall from.
Beverley: Well, that’s convenient. How did his penis turn out?
Penny: Oh, Beverly, I can’t talk to my boyfriend’s mother about his penis.
Beverley: Oh, fair enough. What can you tell me, if anything, about that busboy’s penis?
Penny: Actually, I’ve only had the cheesecake. One more time. You know, Leonard did not want to tell you we were dating.
Beverley: Really? Well, that means he’s either embarrassed about the relationship or he doesn’t care enough about his mother to tell her he’s in one. Either way, one of us should be insulted.
Penny: Well, let’s go find out who.
Beverley: You go get a taxi. I’m gonna slip my business card into that busboy’s back pocket, cupping his firm, right buttock as I do so.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Leonard?
Beverley: Sonny boy!
Penny: Get out here! Your mommy wants to talk to you!
Leonard: What the hell is going on?
Penny: You’re in trouble.
Beverley: Why didn’t you tell me you were tapping my homegirl? Did I say that right?
Penny: Yeah, not bad, not bad.
Leonard: Are you guys drunk?
Beverley: Well, I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco? Now, how could you not tell me you were in a relationship with this lovely, charming young woman?
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Beverley: You’re welcome. Is it because she’s uneducated, trapped in a menial service position?
Penny: What the hell happened to lovely and charming?
Leonard: How come you didn’t tell me that you and Father were getting a divorce? How come you didn’t tell me you had surgery? How come you didn’t tell me my dog died?
Beverley: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship.
Leonard: I do.
Beverley (gives him an uncomfortable hug): There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
Penny: That’s the Del Taco.
Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
Beverley: Speaking of warm feelings, come here. (She grabs Sheldon and kisses him) No, I’d rather have the busboy.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Beverley: Thank you for taking me to the airport.
Sheldon: You’re very welcome.
Leonard: Once again, I’m driving. I’m right here.
Beverley: Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night.
Sheldon: I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.
Beverley: Thank you.
Sheldon: I blame Penny.
Penny: I blame Penny, too. Bad Penny.
Leonard: Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?
Beverley: I think it’s best that you not know.
Sheldon: Agreed.
Penny: Agreed.
Leonard: What the hell, agreed.
Beverley: And I want you to take very good care of this young woman.
Penny: Oh, thank you, Beverly.
Beverley: You’re welcome. She doesn’t have much in the way of career prospects, don’t make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
Leonard: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don’t communicate with me enough?
Beverley: Yes, dear.
Leonard: I’m over it.
Penny (finishing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look at us. Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they’re our girlfriends.
Howard: Yes, actual women are the best.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. What other kind of women are there?
Leonard: Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?
Howard: No, it would just freak him out. Listen, before we leave, I should warn you, I’m a passionate man and I tend towards public displays of affection.
Leonard: What are you trying to tell me, Howard?
Howard: There might be some making out in the car or the restaurant, and I don’t want Bernadette to feel uncomfortable, so it would help if you and Penny made out, too.
Leonard: Don’t worry. We’re planning to have sex right on the salad bar.
Raj (arriving): Namaste, white people. Good news! I rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
Leonard: Got it.
Howard: Seen it.
Sheldon: Detailed analysis posted online.
Raj: Well, then what are we going to do tonight?
Leonard: Uh, sorry, Raj. Howard and I are going out to dinner with Penny and Bernadette.
Howard: Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled.
Leonard: How did we get actual women?
Raj: Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us?
Sheldon: It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.
Raj: We do?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
Raj: I don’t want to do that.
Sheldon: All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
Raj: What about me?
Sheldon: Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A little later.
Raj: Dude, there’s so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it’s a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy’s. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.
Raj: Race riots?
Sheldon: The zoot suit riots.
Raj: Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around?
Sheldon: I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?
Raj: No. We would just walk around and see what’s what.
Sheldon: That’s a semantically null sentence.
Raj: Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.
Sheldon: Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good.
Sheldon: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?
Raj: I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.
Sheldon: Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.
Raj: Oh, boy.
Sheldon: One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.
Raj: I don’t want to go to Flatland.
Sheldon: You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.
Raj: Oy.
Sheldon: Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.
Raj: Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone.
Sheldon: Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Tell her you’re a circle, Flatland gals are all hot for circles.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: I hope you’re hungry, Bernadette, we’re going to a terrific restaurant.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, I’m starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab, watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard: Flesh-eating bacteria. And yet, I still want to kiss this woman, what does that tell you?
Penny: That you’d be willing to die a horrible death on the off-chance you’d get to second base?
Bernadette: Oh, we’re way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard: Well, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
Bernadette: How’s your work going, Penny? Any acting jobs?
Penny: Well, the last big thing I did was this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. But I think things might be turning around pretty soon.
Leonard: Great. How come?
Penny: Well, promise you won’t make fun of me.
Leonard: Of course, I would never make fun of you.
Penny: Okay. Well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair, I’m going to get a national commercial.
Leonard (laughing): Seriously? You’re getting career advice from a psychic?
Howard: Good job not making fun of her.
Penny: She’s not one of those phonies, okay. She wrote a book and has her own Web site.
Leonard: Oh, gee, why didn’t you say so? They don’t let just anyone have a Web site.
Penny: Why are you being such a jerk?
Leonard: You’re surprised? Your psychic didn’t tell you I was going to be a jerk?
Penny: Ha-ha, bite me.
Leonard: Come on, Penny.
Howard: Why don’t you kids go ahead and chat? We’re gonna make out back here.
Bernadette: I’m sliding into third.
Scene: The university mixer.
Raj: Thanks for coming with me.
Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
Raj: Did you really have to bring it in with you?
Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?
Raj: Come on, let’s get a drink.
Sheldon: I don’t drink.
Raj: Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw.
Sheldon: I would like a root beer float.
Raj: Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream.
Sheldon: They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.
Raj: He’ll have a Shirley Temple.
Sheldon: And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.
Raj: Okay, let’s check out the females.
Sheldon: All right. There’s a female.
Raj: That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old.
Sheldon: But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?
Raj: No. I’m looking for a hookup.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?
Raj: Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks.
Sheldon: Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?
Raj: You help me run my game.
Sheldon: Okay. What is your game?
Sheldon: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
Girl: Hey, that’s pretty cool. What is it?
Sheldon: It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
Girl: You’re very funny. I’m Abby.
Sheldon: I’m Sheldon. How do you do?
Raj: How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
Abby: Hi, Raj. Where are you from?
Raj: The mysterious subcontinent of India.
Abby: Ooh, India.
Raj: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Well, I’m a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods)
Abby: Martha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha.
Martha: Hi.
Raj: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.
Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.
Sheldon: Thank you. Have you chosen one to copulate with?
Scene: A restaurant.
Bernadette: So, what should we talk about?
Howard: Well, we could always learn more about why people who believe in psychics are idiots. Leonard?
Penny: Oh, we don’t need to talk about that anymore. Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.
Leonard: I’m sorry, but facts are facts.
Penny: Right, and if you can’t understand it, it’s not a fact.
Leonard: No, if it’s not a fact, it’s not a fact.
Penny: Oh, got it. Thank you for educating me.
Leonard: You’re welcome. How’s your fish?
Penny: Amazing. Would you like to try some?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Penny: Well, the fact is, you can’t.
Leonard: Come on, Howard, Bernadette, you’re both scientists. Help me out here.
Howard: What do you think? Want to jump right into the middle of another couple’s argument?
Bernadette: No, thank you.
Howard: Sorry.
Leonard: Maybe we should just stop talking about this.
Penny: Maybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
Waiter: How is everything tonight?
Bernadette: Really uncomfortable.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: You know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with… (she shuts the door in his face) Want your fish? (Opens door, takes fish, closes it again) I knew you were going to do that. Doesn’t make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse. (Opens his own apartment door to find Sheldon, Raj and the two girls playing Rock Band and performing American Woman)
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: We scored. I’m the wingman.
 
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Howard: Hey.
Leonard (handing him protective glasses): Laser.
Howard: Had a great night last night. I don’t like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
Leonard: What the hell is eighth base?
Howard: Seventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt. How’d things go with Penny?
Leonard: Oh, couldn’t be better.
Howard: Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard: It’s not just Cylons. Superman’s next.
Howard: All right, I was going to try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don’t have a high-powered weapon.
Leonard: How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Howard: Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
Leonard: And that didn’t bother you?
Howard: Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
Leonard: What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don’t whenever I’m with Penny?
Howard: Hey, I’m sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she’s with you.
Leonard: Do me a favour, lean over, put your head right here.
Howard: Let me show you another way to look at this. Here we have the universe of all women. These are the ones you want to sleep with. These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. And right there in the
little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she’s a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
Leonard: What’s your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can’t do that, Howard.
Howard: I respect that. (Takes Leonard’s hand, draws a dot on it.)
Leonard: What is that?
Howard: Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is learning Finnish.
Sheldon: The dog… koira. The roof… katto. Grapes… ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis  n.
Raj: What was that?
Sheldon: It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.
Raj: जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say?
Sheldon: I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.
Raj: I don’t get it. You had a great time.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.
Raj: Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha.
Sheldon: Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.
Raj: My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.
Raj: So does that mean we can go with the girls again?
Sheldon: Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!
Raj: You can’t wear the hands on the date.
Sheldon: Hulk sad.
Scene: The laundry room.
Leonard: Hey. Cleaning out the old dryer lint, huh? Not only is it courteous, it’s safety smart. Every year, 15,000 fires are caused by accidental dryer lint ignition. Now you’re supposed to say, wow, what an interesting fact. Come here, you crazy, nerdy guy. I could never be mad at you.
Penny: Wow, that’s all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
Leonard: No, I’m sorry. I really am. It’s not right to mock what a person believes in.
Penny: Thank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it’s all about?
Leonard: Would you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
Penny: I would not.
Leonard: Okay, let’s go see your psychic.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Well, yeah, one of us has to keep an open mind.
Penny: You saying I don’t have an open mind?
Leonard: No, not at all. Let me help you with this stuff.
Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: And astrology.
Leonard: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don’t work.
Leonard: Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Penny: Oh, voodoo’s real. You don’t want to mess with voodoo.
Scene: The apartment.
Martha: Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.
Sheldon: You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.
Martha: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Time for bed.
Martha: Okay.
Sheldon: Good night, puny human! (He gets up and leaves).
Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.
Martha: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Martha: Listen, they’re kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose. Come in. I’ll sleep in Leonard’s room. Good night.
Scene: A Chinese restaurant.
Howard: Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know? Just the guys.
Raj: Oh, God! Yes, we get it. You have a girlfriend now.
Howard: A little jealous, are we?
Raj: No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order?
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.
Leonard: So what? It’s the same food.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.
Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
Sheldon: So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard: It’s obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, no, no, no, I think it just means it’s the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn’t mean any of that! It’s a typo.
Leonard: You know what? Let’s just get a pizza.
Sheldon: Good idea. We’ll go to Corleone’s.
Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard: And why is that?
Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.
Leonard: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?
Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?
Leonard (noticing their door has been broken open): What the…?
Sheldon: The TV is gone.
Leonard: So are our laptops.
Sheldon: Oh God, oh God, oh, God! It’s all right. They didn’t take my comic books.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.
Leonard: We like games.
Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.
Policeman: Assorted video games.
Sheldon: When does the CSI team get here?
Policeman: What?
Sheldon: In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.
Leonard: What about me?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.
Leonard: Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him?
Policeman: I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.
Policeman: We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?
Policeman: Do you have any more information that might be relevant?
Sheldon: Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.
Leonard: How is that going to help them?
Sheldon: Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.
Policeman: Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco.
Leonard: What are we supposed to do now?
Sheldon: The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.
Leonard: Does that mean you’ve ruled me out as a suspect?
Sheldon: Oh, how I wish I could.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is restless. He gets up and checks the door is locked. He then moves his chest of drawers in front of the door. Goes back to bed.
 
Sheldon: I do not have to urinate. I am the master of my own bladder. Drat.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe it. If I hadn’t been working the dinner shift, I would’ve run
right into the robbers.
Leonard: Hey, there’s no reason for you to be scared.
Penny: I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Leonard: Hand me the bat.
Sheldon: We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?
Penny: It won’t happen again, what’s up?
Sheldon: Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.
Leonard: We’re fine, Sheldon.
Sheldon: All right, then. Good night.
Penny: Good night. That was weird, even for him.
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Penny: Who is it?
Sheldon: Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: Yes?
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: I see you’re drinking wine.
Leonard: Yes, we are. And we’re about to go to bed.
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Penny: Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.
Leonard: But you don’t like other people.
Sheldon: I do tonight. It’s scary over there.
Leonard: It’s getting scary here, too.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is drawing picture clues on his whiteboard.
Penny: Um… three little kittens? Three little pigs? God, I don’t know. Star Wars?
Leonard: Did we win? Can we go to bed?
Sheldon: Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that?
Leonard: He’s right, Penny. It’s all there.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, sweetie, I know you’re feeling insecure, but we’ve really got to go to sleep.
Sheldon: All right. I’ll take the first watch and wake you at 0400.
Leonard: Great. Good night.
Penny: Wait, wait, what’s 0400?
Leonard: 4am.
Penny: That’s, like, in 45 minutes.
Leonard: Just keep walking. (Sheldon checks door then puts TV on his phone)
Woman on TV: It’s quiet out there.
Man on TV: Maybe a little too quiet.
Woman on TV: Where are you going?
Man on TV: Just gonna take a look around outside.
Sheldon: Bad idea.
Woman on TV: No, Jim, don’t open the door!
Sheldon: Listen to her, Jim.
Man on TV: Don’t worry, there’s no one out here. (Sound of woman screaming. Sheldon nods, and turns off TV. Walks down to Leonard’s room.)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny!
Leonard: Who is it?
Scene: Outside the apartment.
Howard: All right, we’ve got a titanium dead bolt and a reinforced jamb controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.
Sheldon: What if they cut the power?
Raj: There’s a 200-watt uninterruptible backup power supply.
Sheldon: What if someone steals my keys?
Raj: There are independent voice and fingerprint scanners.
Sheldon: What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?
Leonard: I’ll send them a basket of muffins.
Howard: Now, inside, we’ve got motion detectors, infrared sensors, and cameras connected to a server running state-of-the-art facial recognition software.
Leonard: Where did you get all this stuff?
Howard: I got a buddy over at the Department of Defence.
Leonard: He just gave it to you?
Howard: I’m sure he would have if I had asked. Ironically, their security isn’t all that good.
Penny (entering): Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?
Leonard: Sorry, let me help you.
Sheldon: Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.
Howard: Don’t worry, the net’s going to be electrified. Picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.
Sheldon: Better.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Sheldon’s journal. Security system in place. However, sleep continues to elude me. I’ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses, and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice, I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks, probably playing Donkey Kong on my classic Nintendo. (Hears a noise. Goes to check, then panics and climbs out window onto ledge.) Oh, dear. I am the master of my own bladder. (Crawls along to Leonard’s window, where Leonard and Penny are inside being intimate. Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Penny: Oh, my…
Leonard: God, Sheldon. What the hell are you doing out there?
Sheldon: I heard a noise.
Leonard: It was us. We knocked over a lamp.
Sheldon: Why would you knock over a lamp?
Leonard: We were going to have…
Penny: He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard.
Sheldon: Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)
Leonard: What are you doing? Use the door.
Sheldon: Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.
Leonard: Great, you do that.
Sheldon: Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?
Leonard: I’m lactose intolerant.
Sheldon: And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?
Penny: No, thanks.
Sheldon: Fine. Good night to you, sir. Miss.
Leonard: Sorry about that.
Penny: Ugh, what can you do? Here. (From outside there is the sound of the net falling and computer voice saying “Intruder alert.” Then Sheldon screaming. They run out to find Sheldon convulsing under the net.)
Leonard: Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.
Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: I’m fine. Although I’m no longer the master of my own bladder.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.
Leonard: Don’t you think looking for a new city to live in is a bit of an overreaction?
Sheldon: Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?
Sheldon: Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid.
Penny: Is he quitting his job at the university?
Leonard: Oh, no, he’s going to telecommute. Everybody’s really excited about it.
Sheldon: All right. Boone, North Carolina. Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake, Dan’l Boone. Sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd. Penny, you’re from Nebraska, correct?
Penny: Born and raised. (Sheldon crosses Nebraska off his map)
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is packing.
Sheldon: It will take me a few days to get settled. After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping the rest of my possessions to Bozeman, Montana. In the meantime, please forward my mail.
Leonard: Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana Loony Bin?
Sheldon: I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.
Howard: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon: I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.
Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon: They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Penny: Sheldon, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss you.
Sheldon: Please, Penny, as you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video.
Sheldon on laptop screen: Greetings. As you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.
Penny: Sheldon, that’s so… (Turns to find he has gone.)
Sheldon (entering again): You might want to lock the door behind me. This isn’t Bozeman.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): How the hell do I know who’s the friend and who’s the acquaintance?
Scene: Bozeman, Montana bus depot.
Sheldon: That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!
Man: Help you with your bags, sir?
Sheldon: Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.
Howard: Hey, look who’s back!
Sheldon: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is stood in the middle of the room. His whiteboard is behind him. Every few moments he turns round suddently.
Penny: Whatcha doing?
Sheldon: I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night?
Sheldon: Is it morning?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I’ve been up all night.
Penny: And you’re stuck?
Sheldon: Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus?
Penny: Oh, sorry, sweetie, I can’t help you till I’ve had my coffee.
Leonard: Penny, I told you if you don’t put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment.
Penny: What is he doing now?
Leonard: Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Sheldon: Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Leonard: Aye, aye, Captain.
Sheldon: I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.
Leonard: Maybe you need a fresh start.
Sheldon: You’re right. (Takes whiteboard to window and throws it out. Picks up a new one) It’s a great idea, Leonard. Thank you.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Electrons move through graphene, act as if they have no mass…
Howard: How long has he been stuck?
Leonard: Intellectually about 30 hours. Emotionally about 29 years.
Sheldon: Unit cell contains two carbon atoms. Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.
Howard: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard: No, I think it’s a firmware problem.
Raj (arriving): Hey, it’s Disco Night at the Moonlight Roller Rink in Glendale tonight. Who’s up for getting down?
Howard: Oh, that’s perfect. Bernadette’s been hocking me to take her roller skating.
Leonard: I think Penny likes to skate. The four of us could double.
Howard: What could be better? We’re in.
Raj: Great. It’s not like I brought it up because I wanted to go.
Howard: You can come with us.
Raj: No, it’s okay. I don’t have to go. I’m happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I’m a walking brown Yelp.com.
Sheldon: Structure, constant structure. One atom…
Howard: Boy, he’s really gone, isn’t he?
Leonard: Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.
Howard: I thought I smelled popcorn.
Sheldon: Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal…
Leonard: I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.
Raj (as Sheldon reaches out and grabs from his plate): Hey, those are my lima beans!
Sheldon: Not lima beans, carbon atoms.
Raj: But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie.
Leonard: Here, you want my peas?
Sheldon: Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.
Howard: Want my corn?
Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. What would I do with corn?
Leonard: So roller skating, should we all grab a bite to eat first?
Howard: Good. P.F. Chang’s? My mom has coupons.
Leonard: Great. Your mom’s not coming, right?
Howard: Not this time, I promise.
Raj: Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I’m very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.
Sheldon: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.
Raj: Screw you. Give me back my lima beans.
Scene: The stairwell.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, have you ever been so embarrassed?
Penny: Not recently.
Bernadette: I don’t know which was lamer, their roller-skating or their disco dancing.
Penny: For me, the worst part was when people saw us leave with them.
Leonard: You had some nice moves out there, Howard.
Howard: Thanks. You, too.
Leonard: Yeah. Did you notice all the people looking at us?
Howard: Not really. I was in my boogie zone.
Bernadette: When Howard tried to do the splits…
Penny: Shh.
Leonard: Sorry. I’m moving a little slow. I think I bruised my coccyx.
Penny: Oh, poor baby.
Leonard: Don’t tell Koothrappali. After you.
Penny: Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)
Leonard: Oh, my God! Are you… (falls as well)
Sheldon: Good Lord! You’re ruining everything!
Penny: Oh, damn.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Penny: Do I look okay?
Leonard: Don’t bark at me. I fell, too.
Penny: Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it.
Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.
Bernadette: With marbles?
Sheldon: Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?
Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.
Penny: Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that’s a crazy thing.
Bernadette: Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep?
Sheldon: They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.
Bernadette: Which leads to…?
Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.
Bernadette: Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed.
Sheldon: But I don’t want to go to bed.
Bernadette: I’m going to count to three. One…
Sheldon: Oh, all right.
Leonard: That was amazing how you handled him.
Bernadette: I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal day care centre in our basement.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
 
Penny: Leonard, you’re… you’re giggling in your sleep.
Leonard: It’s not me, it’s my new ringtone. The Joker from Batman.
Penny: Well, it creeps me out.
Leonard: Me, too, but I paid three bucks for it.
Penny: Just answer the phone.
Leonard: Hello. Yeah, I’m Leonard Hofstadter. Yeah, yeah, he’s my roommate. Oh, God, is he okay? Yeah, alright, alright, I’ll be right there.
Penny: What happened?
Leonard: Sheldon’s escaped and is terrorizing the village.
Penny: Okay. Have fun.
Scene: A children’s play area.
Leonard: Hi. I’m Dr. Hofstadter. Where is he?
Security Guard: Ball pit.
Leonard: Thanks for not calling the cops.
Security Guard: Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.
Leonard: Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing?
Sheldon: Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.
Leonard: Sure, sure. How did you get into this place?
Sheldon: Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
Leonard: No, I don’t think so. We need to go home now.
Sheldon: But I’m still working.
Leonard: If you don’t come out of there, I’m going to have to drag you out.
Sheldon: You can try, but you’ll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls)
Leonard: For God’s sakes. Sheldon, come here!
Sheldon (popping his head up): Bazinga. (Disappears, pops up in another place) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over their bed. He knocks on the wall.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Leonard (Waking up as Penny screams): What! What, what, what?
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I have good news.
Leonard: And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night?
Sheldon: Your cell phone was off.
Leonard: Because we didn’t want to be disturbed.
Sheldon: And that didn’t work out, did it?
Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.
Leonard: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?
Sheldon: No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out.
Penny: Hey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We’re going to have to break up.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Penny (as Sheldon sits on the bed): Oh.
Sheldon: Einstein.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m going to need a little more.
Sheldon: Albert Einstein.
Leonard: Keep going.
Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.
Leonard: So, you’re going to go work at the patent office?
Sheldon: Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.
Leonard: Sounds like a great plan.
Sheldon: Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.
Leonard: Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.
Penny: Leonard doesn’t snore.
Sheldon: No, I wasn’t talking to Leonard.
Leonard: Told you.
Scene: An employment office
Employment Office Assistant: So, Mr. Cooper, you’re looking for a job.
Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.
Assistant: Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind?
Sheldon: I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?
Assistant: No.
Sheldon: Shouldn’t you check your database?
Assistant (clicks her keyboard a few times): No.
Sheldon: You didn’t really type.
Assistant: I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction?
Sheldon: Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.
Assistant: No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.
Sheldon: I could do that.
Assistant: Good.
Sheldon: One question.
Assistant: Yes?
Sheldon: What’s sheetrock?
Assistant: Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist?
Sheldon: That seems acceptable.
Assistant: Do you have your own car?
Sheldon: I don’t drive.
Assistant: Of course you don’t. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job?
Sheldon: Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman’s terms, string theory.
Assistant: I see. Just give me a second. Security!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Okay, I’ll get those drinks started for you.
Sheldon (appearing in an apron and carrying a tray): Behind you.
Penny: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.
Penny: No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here?
Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.
Penny: You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that?
Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.
Penny: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.
Bernadette: Thanks, Sheldon.
Penny: Sheldon, wait, this isn’t even what I do. I’m a waitress, not a busboy.
Sheldon: You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.
Scene: The same, later.
Sheldon: All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here’s your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It’s a little unconventional, but I think you’ll like it. It’s zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.
Leonard: Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Double guacamole?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: No cilantro?
Sheldon: Nope.
Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
Sheldon: Yep.
Leonard: You understand why I’m doing this to you?
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: That’ll be all. That was fun.
Raj: How long can he keep this up?
Leonard: I heard about this professor at MIT who melted down, bought a van, and spent the rest of his life as a mobile dog groomer.
Raj: He never went back to the university?
Leonard: Only to shampoo Professor Chambourg’s shih tzu.
Raj: Sheesh.
Howard: I bet if we all chipped in, we could buy Sheldon a van.
Raj: But he’s afraid of dogs.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s the only thing wrong with that plan.
Penny: Hey, guys, sorry you had to wait, but we are swamped. What’s this?
Leonard: Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn’t work here.
Leonard: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn’t either.
Sheldon (drops tray. A nearby table claps): Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.
Penny: Sheldon, where are you going? Aren’t you going to clean this up?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t work here.
Scene: The roller disco.
Howard: Happy now?
Raj: I’m on a cloud. Swing me. (Howard swings Raj several times.)
Scene: The ball pit, presumably earlier.
Leonard: Sheldon, come here.
(Sheldon once again keeps popping up his head and shouting “Bazinga” as Leonard flails around trying to catch him.)
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard (on the phone): Yeah, I miss you, too, sweetie. Listen, I got to go, but I’ll see you tonight? Okay. Bye-bye. Yeah, bye-bye. No, you hang up first. Hello?
Raj: Dude, I’m glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you have to do all that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don’t?
Sheldon: Actually, he might have to. There’s an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it’s not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise neener-neener.
Howard: That’s not true. My happiness is not dependent on my best friend being miserable and alone.
Raj: Thank you.
Howard: Although, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of a perk.
Leonard: Who’s miserable and alone?
Raj: Me.
Leonard: Oh. I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend.
Sheldon: In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener.
Leonard: Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?
Howard: Yeah, I am pulling out all the stops. There’s a $39.95 lover’s special at P.F. Chang’s. Egg rolls, dumplings, bottomless wok, and you get your picture taken on the big marble horse out front.
Sheldon: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn’t a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one’s steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
Howard: I understand your point, but given a choice, Jews always go with Chinese food.
Raj: Well, if anyone’s interested, I’ll be spending this Valentine’s Day the same way I spend every Valentine’s Day. Buying a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket, taking it home, standing over the sink and eating it out of the package with my bare hands like an animal.
Leonard: Okay, so to sum up: one giant marble horse, one asinine comment, one lonely man and his chicken. And let’s see, who’s left? Oh, that’s right. My plans. Isn’t anyone going to ask?
Raj: Fine, tell us you’re going to have sex with Penny.
Leonard: That’s not what I was going to tell you.
Raj: It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.
Leonard: Guess who the university is sending to Switzerland to attend a conference and see the CERN supercollider on February 14?
Sheldon: Professor Norton, although, God knows why. He hasn’t published anything of note since he won that Nobel Prize.
Leonard: Actually, Professor Norton can’t make it. He threw his back out rock climbing.
Howard: I heard he threw his back out climbing on his new girlfriend.
Raj: The big-boobed weather girl on Channel 2?
Howard: That’s the one.
Leonard: In any case, they’re asking me to fill in for him.
Sheldon: In Switzerland or with the big-boobed weather girl?
Leonard: Switzerland. And I get to bring a guest!
Howard: Oh, man!
Raj: No way, dude!
Sheldon: This is incredible! I’m so happy, I’m not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I’m just going to run home and start packing.
Raj: Why wouldn’t you take Penny?
Leonard: I am taking Penny.
Raj: Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, you got a minute?
Sheldon: Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland.
Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?
Leonard: Penny.
Sheldon: What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.
Leonard: Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps.
Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I’ve been dreaming about spending Valentine’s Day with a girl since I was six.
Sheldon: Shame on you! That’s no dream for a scientist!
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, what’s the big surprise?
Leonard: Just a minute. This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Okay. Let’s see. We’ve got, uh, milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue. My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I’m going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?
Leonard: No. But it does involve air travel. Okay, um, let me slice this Swiss cheese with my Swiss army knife, and then you can wash it down with a cup of Swiss Miss instant cocoa.
Penny: Okay, I’m starting to think Swiss is key here.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Penny: We’re going to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn?
Leonard: How does that involve air travel?
Penny: We’re going to Disney World and ride the Matterhorn?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, this started out fun, but I’m over it.
Leonard: We’re going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider! And ski. We’ll also go skiing.
Penny: We’re going skiing in Switzerland?!
Leonard: Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible!
Sheldon: Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.
Penny: My Rabe-what-ly?
Sheldon: Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.
Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been through this. I’m taking Penny.
Sheldon: Afraid not. Do you recognize this?
Leonard: Not the roommate agreement.
Sheldon: Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him.
Leonard: Oh, for God’s sakes.
Penny: You actually put that in an agreement?
Leonard: Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon: He can’t kill me, even if I turn.
Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?
Sheldon: No, that seemed a little farfetched.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you really expect to enforce this?
Sheldon: I’ve lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.
Penny: Okay, I know I shouldn’t ask, but what is…?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon (after demonstrating): I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice.
Leonard: Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland.
Sheldon: Is that your final decision?
Leonard: It is.
Sheldon: Very well.
Penny: It’s not over, is it?
Leonard: What do you think? (The sound of Tuvan throat singing comes from Sheldon’s bedroom.)
 
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it’s gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what’ll cheer you up, let’s play one of your driving games.
Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me?
Sheldon: Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they cancelled Firefly. Hint, he and Darth Vader are tied for number 2.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: I’m sorry I couldn’t hang with you last night. I had a date with Bernadette.
Raj: I know. I saw the Tweet.
Howard: So, what did you end up doing?
Raj: Not much. Nuked a burrito. Prayed to the Hindu god Urvashi that your bowels would loosen and your penis would droop like a willow tree.
Leonard: You seen Sheldon?
Raj: No. Is he still mad about the supercollider?
Leonard: Yeah. He thinks I betrayed him. I mean, come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
Howard: I’d take Sheldon to Switzerland.
Leonard: Seriously?
Howard: Absolutely. And I’d leave him there. (Sheldon enters, puts a tray in front of Leonard, and exits.)
Raj: What the hell is that?
Leonard: Uh, let’s see. Yup, 30 pieces of silverware.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Morning, old chum.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.
Leonard: You made Frodo pancakes?
Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.
Leonard: Why are you doing this?
Sheldon: It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?
Leonard: Thanks. It’s good.
Sheldon: What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.
Leonard: You hate Babylon 5.
Sheldon: I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.
Leonard: Okay, great. Still not taking you to Switzerland.
Sheldon: Drat. No Frodo for you.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hello.
Sheldon: Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.
Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.
Sheldon: Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room.
Penny: Better acoustics for your throat singing?
Sheldon (trying it): It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.
Penny: Oh, for God’s sakes.
Sheldon: Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.
Penny: I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up?
Sheldon: Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.
Penny: Okay, show’s over.
Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.
Penny: Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go.
Sheldon: Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.
Penny: I’ll talk to Leonard.
Sheldon: You will?
Penny: Yes. If it means that much to you, you should go.
Sheldon (Hugging her): Oh, Penny, thank you!
Penny: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.
Penny: I think we’re there.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Bye-bye.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know what? Even though I don’t have a girlfriend, I can still have a good time on Valentine’s Day.
Howard: Trust me, you can’t. I’ve tried.
Raj: No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.
Leonard: Sheldon, I need to talk to you.
Sheldon: All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?
Leonard: Some what?
Sheldon: Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.
Leonard: You’re not going to Switzerland!
Sheldon: Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?
Leonard: She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her.
Sheldon: Yes, that good news.
Leonard: Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you!
Sheldon: Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.
Leonard: I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over!
Sheldon: That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?
Leonard: Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yeah, really.
Sheldon: Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.
Leonard: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Sheldon: I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.
Leonard: Why don’t you enlighten me?
Sheldon: With the friendship clause of our roommate agreement nullified you are no longer entitled to accompany me to go swimming at Bill Gates’ house should I be invited.
Howard: Ooh, that’s gotta sting.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Just think, this time tomorrow we’ll be in Geneva, Switzerland for our first Valentine’s Day.
Penny: I know! I went shopping today and bought special undies for the occasion.
Leonard: Thermal? ‘Cause it’s gonna be cold.
Penny: Think it through, Leonard.
Leonard: Oh!
Penny: Oh!
Leonard (Penny sneezes): Gesundheit. Or as they say in Switzerland, gesundheit. You getting a cold?
Penny: No, no, it’s probably just allergies.
Leonard: Do you want an allergy pill? ‘Cause I have ’em all. Prescription, nonprescription, foreign, domestic, experimental.
Penny: Do any of them work?
Leonard: Not really, I’m just an enthusiast.
(Time passes. Sound of Penny retching in the bathroom)
Leonard: Penny? You okay?
Penny: Did that sound okay to you? Do not come in here!
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: I’m having a tea party. What do you think’s going on? I think I might have the flu. Or the plague.
Leonard: Well, our plane leaves at 9 a.m. Do you think you’ll feel better by then?
Penny: Yep. ‘Cause I’m gonna be dead.
Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon? Listen, Penny is pretty sick and she’s not going to be able to go to Switzerland. So if you’re still interested, you’re welcome to come. (Sound of Sheldon vomiting in the bathroom)
Sheldon: Great. I’ll start packing. In a minute. (Vomits again) Oh, look, it’s the cholermus.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Penny: Here’s your soup.
Sheldon: Chicken?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: With the little stars?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Heated to 180 degrees?
Penny: Why don’t I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me.
Sheldon: You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.
Penny: Yeah, well, I’m sick, too.
Sheldon: Not my problem. I just don’t understand how this happened to me. I’m scrupulous about my hygiene. I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.
Penny: I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon.
Sheldon (remembering the hug): It’s you! I touched you!
Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Scene: A Swiss hotel room.
Raj: Oh, my goodness, look at this room! Champagne! Roses! Oh, and little chocolates! This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.
Leonard: Yeah, I forgot about all this.
Raj: But I never will.
Scene: The comic book store. Raj enters carrying an iPod with a speaker on his tee shirt. As he enters the shop he starts the iPod and the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars emerges from the speaker.
Leonard: Will you please turn your shirt off?
Raj: What? I’m giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I’m awesome and to be feared.
Howard: Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples.
Leonard: Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?
Stuart: Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.
Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.
Stuart: No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?
Leonard: Stan Lee does not have a contagious skin disease.
Sheldon: Well, look who thinks he’s Stuart’s uncle now.
Raj: Can’t believe it. We’re going to meet Stan Lee! (Presses play on his iPod. His shirt starts to play “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. He dances.)
Howard: I’m sad to say I taught him those moves.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.)
Sheldon: I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.
Howard: That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
Raj: That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
Sheldon: What is it about the word unique you don’t understand?
Howard: Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj: Well, obviously you don’t remember your circumcision.
Sheldon: There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer.
Howard: Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?
Leonard: He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket.
Sheldon: Yeah, but the ones in my pocket are mine.
Penny: Hi!
Leonard: Hey. Guess who’s going to be at the comic bookstore on Thursday?
Penny: Um, can you give me a hint?
Leonard: Stan Lee.
Penny: Um, Stanley, Stanley, Stanley Tucci?
Leonard: No, no, Stan Lee.
Penny: Oh, oh, Stan Lee! Cool!
Leonard: You have no idea who he is, do you?
Penny: Of course I do. You’re an important part of my life and I pay attention to the things you are interested in.
Leonard: Good, good, so, who’s Stan Lee?
Penny: Um, he was on Star Trek.
Leonard: Nope.
Penny: Star Wars?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Um, uh, Stan Lee, oh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much?
Leonard: That’s Bruce Lee.
Penny: Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?
Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.
Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.
Howard: You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court.
Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.
Penny: I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that?
Sheldon: It bothers me.
Howard: Sheldon, this is a summons.
Sheldon: A summons for what?
Howard: Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture.
Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.
Penny: No, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Yes, it is.
Penny: No, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.
Penny: Mmm, no, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?
Penny: Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it?
Sheldon: So you betrayed me?
Penny: No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands.
Sheldon: But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.
Penny: Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.
Leonard: It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon: I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.
Howard: You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked.
Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series.
Sheldon: You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now.
Howard: Okay, he’s going to jail.
Leonard (after Raj whispers to him): Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day.
Sheldon: Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.
Leonard: Whoa! What do you mean all?
Sheldon: Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.
Leonard: Yeah, okay. No.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?
Leonard: That’s what I’m saying.
Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No.
Sheldon: Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.
Penny: Oh, balls.
Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny (opening door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Sheldon: That’s just wrong.
Penny: All right, let’s go.
Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.
Penny: What is this?
Sheldon: I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?
Penny: Do I have a choice?
Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?
Penny (reading): Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.
Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.
Penny: The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever.
Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?
Penny: Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.
Sheldon: There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.
Penny: But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?
Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.
Penny (pretending to be close to tears): But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally.
Sheldon: Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.
Scene: The courtroom.
Judge: Pay the cashier. Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.
Judge: I know what it means. I went to law school.
Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.
Judge: The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.
Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.
Judge: Impressive.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Judge: Guilty. Pay the cashier.
Sheldon: I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.
Judge: No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you.
Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.
Judge: Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.
Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.
Scene: A police cell. Three people sit on a bench inside. Sheldon points at the one on the end.
Sheldon: That’s my spot.
Scene: A queue outside the comic book store.
Raj: I can’t wait to ask Stan Lee why he insists on giving all his characters first and last names that start with the same letter.
Leonard: Oh, come on, why would you do that?
Raj: Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Stephen Strange, Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer, Peter Parker, oh, and worst of all, J. Jonah Jameson, Jr.
Howard: Okay, I’m cutting. I’m not gonna talk to Stan Lee after you cheese him off.
Leonard (phone rings.): Hey.
Penny: Sheldon’s in jail.
Leonard: Sheldon’s in jail?
Raj: You called it.
Leonard: For what?
Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge. He has to stay in there until he apologizes.
Leonard: So tell him to apologize.
Penny: Oh, gee, thanks, Leonard. That didn’t occur to me. If he doesn’t apologize by 5 o’clock he is going to spend the night in jail.
Leonard: Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.
Scene: The police cell.
Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor?
Guard: What?
Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.
Guard: Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell)
Sheldon: That’s the toilet?
Guard: Well, it ain’t a wishing well.
Sheldon: Please tell the judge I’m ready to apologize.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look at that. To my friend, Leonard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Howard: Awesome. Mine says, To my friend, Howard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Raj: Mine says, To Raj, from Stan Lee.
Howard: That’s ’cause you pissed him off about his character names.
Raj: Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.
Penny: We’re home.
Leonard: Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go?
Sheldon: You know very well how it went.
Leonard: Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you.
Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.
Penny: I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.
Sheldon: I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.
Howard: Plus, you didn’t get to meet Stan Lee.
Leonard: Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.
Howard: You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.
Sheldon: You had gelato with Stan Lee?
Howard: He said we could call him Stan.
Leonard: Except for Raj.
Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.
Penny: Okay, I realize that…
Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, maybe you’ll have another chance to have…
Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!
Penny: Did he just somehow give me the finger?
Howard: Not just the finger. The moving finger.
Scene: The comic book store.
 
Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Penny. Wow. Hi.
Penny: What’s going on?
Stuart: Nothing. I’m just getting ready to close up and head out.
Penny: Ah. Cool. Got any fun plans?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat.
Penny: Oh, nice.
Stuart: Not even my cat. I just feed it. Some nights it doesn’t even show up.
Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I was hoping, um, you could do me a favour.
Stuart: Sure, yeah, name it.
Penny: Well, I’m kind of responsible for Sheldon missing Stan Lee, and I really want to make it up to him. So I was hoping you could give me his phone number so maybe I can arrange for them to meet.
Stuart: Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have his phone number.
Penny: Hmm. Damn. All right. Thank you.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait. I have his address.
Penny: Really? Great!
Stuart: But I can’t give it to you.
Penny: Then why did you tell me you had it?
Stuart: I don’t know. Just chatting. You’re looking at a guy who could very well get stood up by a stray cat tonight.
Penny: I’m sorry, Stuart. Thanks anyway.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait.
Penny: Yeah?
Stuart: Maybe we can make a deal.
Penny: What kind of deal?
Stuart: I will give you the address if you go to my cousin’s wedding with me.
Penny: You’re extorting a date out of me?
Stuart: I kind of have to. The cousin who’s getting married is the cousin I usually go to weddings with.
Penny: Can I bring Leonard?
Stuart: Sure. What the hell.
Penny: Deal.
Stuart: We’ll tell people he’s your cousin.
Scene: Outside Stan Lee’s house.
Sheldon: This is Stan Lee’s front door. We were on Stan Lee’s curb, then we were on Stan Lee’s walk, and now we’re at Stan Lee’s front door.
Penny: Yup.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee’s doorbell. At Stan Lee’s house. We’re about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I don’t know if we’re gonna have cookies, or he’s just gonna say hi, or really what’s gonna happen, so just let me talk, and we’ll…
Stan Lee (opening door): Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Oh, damn.
Penny: Hi. I’m Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon.
Sheldon: We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we were invited.
Penny: Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don’t you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
Penny: I’m sorry. He doesn’t really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well, I’ll give him something he’ll understand. Joanie, call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Raj: Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Invincible Iron Man, Happy Hogan, Curt Connors…
Howard: Would you just let it go?
Raj: And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.
Leonard (as Sheldon enters): Hey, where’ve you been?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard: Sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is carrying a large box.
Leonard: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?
Sheldon: Well, it’s very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I’m the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
Leonard: One more floor, and I’d be the pulled muscle.
Penny (who is inside the apartment): Oh, it’s about time, I’m starving.
Leonard: Uh, well, we didn’t actually get Chinese food.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Don’t panic, this is better.
Penny: Oh, no, you didn’t trade the food for magic beans, did you?
Sheldon: Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.
Penny: Yeah, sometimes I don’t listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down.
Leonard: We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.
Penny: Who’s Adam West?
Sheldon: Who’s Adam West? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
Howard: My guess is, “Hey, four minutes! New record!” That’s why I’m the funny one.
Leonard: Anyway, we followed the guy to this garage sale, and they had the coolest stuff.
Howard: They were closing up. We got this whole box for sixty bucks.
Leonard: We didn’t even get to go through it all. There could be anything in here.
Penny: There a new girlfriend in there? ‘Cause you might need one.
Leonard: No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Raj whispers to Leonard) Oh, you’re right, it’s Ghostbusters 2. Never mind.
Howard: Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?
Penny: That is so sad.
Sheldon: No, what’s sad is that you don’t know Adam West was TV’s Batman.
Credits sequence
 
Scene: The same
Leonard: Here’s Spock’s head with no body. Here’s Mr. T’s body with no head. Oh, yeah, here’s Spock’s body with Mr. T’s head. I pity the fool who’s illogical.
Penny: Okay, I’m just gonna go home and make a grilled cheese and window-shop on eHarmony.
Leonard: Okay, bye.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Ooh, look, an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots.
Raj: And an Aquaman action figure.
Howard: Looks like someone drew a penis on him.
Raj: Huh? That’ll come off.
Howard: You see what you’re doing? Stop that.
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.
Leonard: Oh.
Raj: It’s even got the Elvish engraving on it.
Sheldon: It’s not Elvish. It’s the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to
rule them all.
Raj: One Ring to find them.
Howard: One Ring to bring them all.
Leonard: And in the darkness bind them.
Raj: Holy crap, are we nerdy.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Howard: So, I was doing some checking on the ring.
Raj: Hold on. Sheldon, is there ketchup on that table?
Sheldon: Yes, there is. Oh, here’s a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape.
Raj: No, that’s okay. I’ll get it.
Howard: Listen, I was looking at the ring, and it seemed a little weird. No copyright notice on it. So, I took it down to this buddy of mine who deals with, shall we say, the seedy underbelly of the collectibles world.
Leonard: Seedy underbelly?
Howard: You know, your black market phasers, your screen-worn Lieutenant Uhura panties, that kind of stuff.
Raj: Who’s this mysterious buddy you suddenly have?
Howard: Just a guy. I know a guy.
Raj: Is it Eddie Crispo?
Howard: No, I can’t tell you who it is. Stop asking.
Raj: Who else could it be? It has to be Eddie Crispo.
Howard: I know lots of dangerous people, okay?
Raj: Name one.
Howard: Eddie Crispo. Anyway, he said this isn’t a replica. It’s the real deal.
Sheldon: If you’re suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.
Leonard: He’s not saying it’s a magic ring. You’re not, are you?
Howard: No, but it’s close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring.
Sheldon (snatching it): Mine!
Leonard: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.
Leonard: How is this maritime salvage?
Sheldon: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?
Raj: Wait, wait. Sheldon, stop being crazy for a second. How much is something like this worth?
Howard: Well, it’s tough to say since it’s hot, but on the underground market, my guy figures…
Raj: Your guy Eddie Crispo?
Howard: Yes. He figures ten, maybe 15 thousand.
Raj: Okay, that’s a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski.
Howard: Why do you want a jet ski?
Raj: All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can’t just be a coincidence.
Sheldon: We can’t sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies.
Howard: It’s sad how great that sounds.
Leonard: Guys, it’s stolen. It should go back to Peter Jackson. He made the movies, it belongs to him.
Howard: Fine. He can have it back as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie.
Raj: There are no Jewish hobbits.
Howard: Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.
Leonard: We are not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where’s the ring?
Sheldon: You mean my ring?
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.
Leonard: Give me that.
Raj: Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski.
Sheldon: I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.
Leonard: You always get your way.
Sheldon: I’ll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.
Penny: Hey, guys. Enjoying your food that I actually brought you instead of promising food, but bringing you a box of random crap?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s delicious, the sarcasm’s a little stale, though. Hey, how about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds on to it.
Penny: What ring?
Leonard: This ring.
Sheldon: Looking for something?
Leonard: Will you hold on to this for a couple of days?
Penny: Why?
Leonard: It’s a prop from a movie, and we’re kind of fighting over it.
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, the first piece of jewellery my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie, and I don’t even get to keep it?
Howard: If you had gone out with me three years ago, by now, you’d have my great Aunt Ida’s brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat.
Leonard: How am I looking now?
Scene: Penny and Leonard are asleep in Leonard’s bed. Sheldon creeps in and tries to take the ring from round Penny’s neck, but she turns over. He tries to make buzzing fly noises to get her to turn back, but she turns all the way the other way. He then uses an extender with a claw on the end to lif the ring from Penny’s chest. As he tries to remove it, she wakes up, screams, and punches him in the face.
Sheldon: Ow! You hit me! I’m bleeding!
Leonard: What was that?
Penny: Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
Leonard: That’s my girl.
Scene: The cafeteria.
 
Howard: So, Sheldon, how’s it feel to get beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon:  It’s not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I’d have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
Raj: Gentlemen, have you come to the realization that the only reasonable course of action is to sell the ring and divide the money?
Leonard: No.
Raj: I was afraid of that. (Opens his laptop to reveal an Indian looking man on a webcam.) Go ahead.
Man on Screen: Greetings from Mumbai. I am Raj’s attorney, Venkatesh Koothrappali.
Raj: Also my cousin.
Howard: You brought a lawyer?
Venkatesh: Don’t answer that. I’ll get straight to the point. My client’s prepared to surrender any interest he has in the ring in exchange for two Kawasaki Jet Skis.
Leonard: We’re not giving him two Jet Skis.
Venkatesh: Look, we’re big boys, why don’t we just cut to the chase and meet in the middle? One Kawasaki Jet Ski, done and done.
Leonard: No Jet Skis.
Venkatesh: All right, forget the Jet Skis.
Raj: Forget the Jet Skis? That was our line in the sand! What happened to “tear them a new one?”
Venkatesh: What can I say? They played hardball. We lost.
Raj: You’re useless.
Venkatesh: I told you that when you hired me.
Raj: I’m signing off now.
Venkatesh: Call your mother, she worries.
Howard: Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.
Leonard: You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring?
Sheldon: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.
Leonard: Give me that.
Sheldon: No, it’s mine.
Raj: It’s all of ours. (They begin to struggle over the ring.)
Leonard: Okay, now, this is ridiculous!
Howard: Then let go!
Leonard: I’m not letting go, you let go.
Howard: I say this ring belongs to the last person who can hold on.
Leonard: Fine. But can’t we go home and start this?
Raj: Sure. Let go of the ring.
Leonard: All right, it starts now.
Howard: You do realize there’s a giant bug movie marathon tonight on the Syfy Channel. (They start to move away from the table while all still holding the ring.)
Raj: Wait, my laptop. (They go back for it.)
Scene: The stairwell. The guys are coming up the stairs, all still holding the ring.
 
Howard: You know, there’s a point when this becomes idiotic.
Leonard: And it wasn’t when we were driving like this?
Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.
Leonard: You want to talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.
Raj: There are six seasons, dude.
Leonard: Oh, crap!
Raj: No, no, no, the sixth season is great. We go to Paris with Carrie and get our heart broken, and then Mr. Big shows up, we don’t know if we can trust him again. It’s a wild ride.
Leonard: Door. (Leonard tries to unlock the door and drops the keys.)
Raj: Okay, everybody, and plie. And relevae.
Penny: Whatcha doin’?
Leonard: Last one holding the ring decides its fate. I know, it sounds silly.
Penny: No, no, no, no, no, no, you are my boyfriend. Nothing you do is silly to me.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: FYI, this is a bag from Victoria’s Secret.
Leonard: I’m out.
Scene: The apartment. The three guys are still holding the ring. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: I’m sorry, Ma, I have to stay late at the office.
Raj: No, he’s doesn’t! He’s lying to you!
Howard: Will you be quiet?
Raj: Well, if you want privacy let go of the ring. I’m so glad we came to this gentile strip club! Howard, here’s more bacon to tuck into the shiksa’s G-string!
Howard: I’ll call you back.
Raj: I think it’s lovely you call your mommy and let her know you’re going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn’t breast-feed on time, it’s very uncomfortable for her boobies.
Howard: Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies!
Raj: If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies.
Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?
Raj: Why don’t we go after your mother?
Sheldon: Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add?
Howard: That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun.
Raj: You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother.
Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws.
Raj: Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex.
Sheldon: I don’t want to hear this.
Howard: Then let go of the ring and walk away.
Sheldon: Never.
Howard: All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it.
Sheldon: Stop it!
Raj: Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty.
Sheldon: I said stop it!
Howard: We’re getting to him.
Sheldon: Waterfalls!
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.
Howard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.
Raj: It’s, it’s not working, dude.
Sheldon: Oh-ho-ho, it’s working all right. I have to pee.
Raj: Then let go of the ring and go.
Howard: No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too.
Raj: Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two…
Sheldon: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?
Howard: We stand up.
Sheldon: Excellent choice.
Raj: Three.
Howard: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
Scene: Sometime later. The guys are on the settee. Howard is seen asleep, he is not holding the ring. The camera pans along to where Sheldon and Raj still hold the ring. Raj, also asleep, lets go and cuddles up to Howard.
Sheldon: I’ve done it! I’ve won! The ring is mine! It’s mine! (He runs to the bathroom) We’re going to clean it up and make it pretty. My own. My love. My precious. (He looks in the mirror and has turned into golem. He screams and wakes up, still on the settee.) Where’s the ring?
Leonard: It’s in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.
Raj: The fires of Mount Doom?
Leonard: Peter Jackson’s office in New Zealand. It wasn’t ours.
Howard: You quit the game! You had no right to take it.
Leonard: I came in here, you guys were all sleeping. The ring was on the floor. No one was touching it.
Raj: Well, so then we start the game over until there’s a winner.
Leonard: There wasn’t ever going to be a winner. There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and three people who used to be his friend. Is that really what you guys want? ‘Cause if it is, fine, I don’t want anything to do with you. And I don’t know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up! (Goes to his bedroom. Takes a box from under his bed. Takes out the ring.) My precious.
Scene: Leonard and Penny are asleep in Leonard’s bed. The extender and claw reaches across and pulls down the sheet revealing the ring on a chain round Leonard’s neck.
Sheldon: I knew it. Give us the precious!
Leonard: NEVER!
(They begin to struggle, both shouting “give it”, “give it to me” and “it’s mine” at various intervals. Penny gets out of the bed and heads out the door.)
Penny: Ugh, gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Okay in Avatar when they have sex in Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Raj: So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails.
Howard: What’s your point?
Raj: My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron.
Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science.
Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?
Leonard: Oh, I’m so glad you asked it like that. You.
Sheldon: I won?
Leonard: You won.
Sheldon: I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It’s not astonishing, more like inevitable. I’m not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I’m going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.
Raj: Well, good for him.
Howard: Yeah, the one thing the William Shatner of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost.
Credits sequence
 
Scene: The apartment. The guys are watching Avatar in 3D. All are wearing 3D glasses except Raj.
Howard: Didn’t it look like that spear was going to go right through your skull?
Raj: No.
Leonard: Hey, you didn’t want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don’t get glasses.
Sheldon (phone rings): Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.
Howard: Uh, hang on, flaming arrow.
Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech.
Howard: Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.
Raj: Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.
Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
Leonard: What, to you, is a large crowd?
Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
Penny: Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, ’cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it.
Sheldon: I’m not accepting the award.
Penny: Why not?
Howard: Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.
Penny: That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court.
Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.
Howard: Where’s 70 children when you need ‘em?
Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.
Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.
Sheldon: I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.)
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: Don’t trample me.
Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can’t accept the award. With all due respect, I don’t think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don’t need to start singing it. Yes, I’ll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello.
Leonard: Sit down, we want to talk to you.
Sheldon: Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you?
Penny: Just sit.
Leonard: We think we can help you with your stage fright.
Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.
Penny: Yes, but you’re not smarter than all of us put together.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, that is what I meant.
Penny: Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.
Leonard: We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.
Sheldon: I do like the X-Men.
Penny: Did I see X-Men?
Leonard: Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.
Penny: Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?
Penny: Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence.
Sheldon: That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?
Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.
Howard: Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap.
Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.
Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy.
Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence.
Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Howard: Oh, that’s not a good name.
Scene: The apartment. Raj is lighting candles. Indian music is playing.
Raj: Okay, Sheldon. I’m going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet, you can’t speak to women.
Raj: True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes.
Sheldon: Okay, but don’t punch me.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.
Raj: I’m not going to punch you.
Sheldon: That’s what my sister used to say.
Raj: Do you want to do this or not?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Proceed.
Raj: All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.
Raj: Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis.
Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?
Raj: Whatever you like.
Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Raj: Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.
Raj: Then, put on a sweater.
Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.
Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Sheldon: Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
Raj: All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.
Raj: What now?
Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.
Scene: A clothing store.
Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny: It’ll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I’m feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Sheldon: Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny: Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice.
Sheldon: It’s only one colour.
Penny: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: That’s a lot of money for only one colour.
Penny: Fine. Why don’t you pick out what you like.
Sheldon: Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp.
Penny: No, you’re wrong.
Sheldon (now in a sparkly green suit with rhinestones): This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.
Penny: Where the hell d’you find that?
Sheldon: In the prom department.
Penny: It’s ridiculous.
Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.
Penny: Please just try this one on.
Sheldon: Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, Sheldon, how you doing?
Sheldon: That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I’ll start again.
Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Leonard: Um, I don’t know, maybe.
Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
Leonard: How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?
Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.
Leonard: Why don’t we just talk?
Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.
Leonard: Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here?
Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.
Leonard: But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.
Sheldon: And how did that make you feel?
Leonard: Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.
Sheldon: Go on.
Leonard: It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.
Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.
Leonard: Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again.
Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.
Leonard: For what?
Sheldon: If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony.
Leonard: Wait, that’s it? I thought we had a whole hour!
Scene: The award ceremony.
Leonard: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I’d like to share with you a letter from Sheldon’s mother, who couldn’t be here tonight. Isn’t that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She’s proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That’s what she calls him. Shelly, it’s a pet name. You know what my mother’s pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of… (continues as background noise)
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I’m getting dizzy.
Raj: Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men.
Sheldon: I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.
Penny: Here, drink this. It’ll relax you.
Sheldon: Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.
Penny: Fine, faint.
Sheldon: I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective.
Penny: Here, see if this one works.
Leonard (still talking): First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.
Sheldon: I’m ready.
Leonard: Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Thanks, shorty,I’ll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field. Let’s get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium,
neptunium, germanium… Everybody! And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium… Just the Asians! And lanthanum and osmium, and astatine and radium…
Scene: The apartment.
 
Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I’m having about the events of last night?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants?
Leonard: You might want to check YouTube.
Sheldon: What do I search?
Leonard: It’s already loaded. Just hit play.
On-screen Sheldon: All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, this couldn’t be any more humiliating.
Leonard: Uh-uh, give it a minute.
On-screen Sheldon: Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here’s Uranus.
Scene: Leonard and Penny are in Penny’s bed.
Penny: Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
Leonard: No, no, I’m good. If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Penny: Do or do not. There is no try.
Leonard: Did you just quote Star Wars?
Penny: I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Leonard: Oh, my God. I’m lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda. I love you, Penny.
Penny: Oh. Oh. Thank you.
Leonard: You’re welcome. I just wanted to put that out there.
Penny: Oh, yeah, no, I, I’m, I’m glad.
Leonard: Good. Glad is good.
Penny: Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Um. So, it’s getting pretty late. We should probably go to sleep.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Hmm.
Leonard: Yeah, probably.
Penny: Okay, good night, sweetie.
Leonard: Good night.
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
Raj: Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
Sheldon: You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
Leonard: Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
Howard: What’s with him?
Sheldon: Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
Howard: Are you saying he’s man-struating?
Sheldon: Not literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men’s hormone levels.
Raj: Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month. You know what I’m talking about.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: Okay, forget giant ants. How about giant rabbits?
Raj: Big or small, I don’t like rabbits. They always look like they’re about to say something, but they never do.
Sheldon: Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And on a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.
Raj: Maybe that’s what they want to talk about.
Howard: Leonard, where do you stand on giant rabbits and scrotal position?
Leonard: I honestly don’t care.
Raj: Really? Because every time we’ve talked about unusual animal genitals, you’ve always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions.
Leonard: What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass.
Howard: Would that be a giant rat’s ass?
Sheldon: For the record, giant rats are possible.
Leonard: Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?
Howard: Okay, how about this for a topic, why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.
Sheldon: Of course they are. Leonard’s being one.
Raj: Maybe he’s having a lover’s spat with Penny.
Leonard: No, there was no spat.
Howard: Oh, but something happened.
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.
Sheldon: But I sense you’re going to and I don’t want to hear about it. Excuse me.
Howard: What’d you do, Romeo? You pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?
Raj: Did you think it would be funny to put on a pair of her panties and jump around, but it wound up just creeping her out?
Leonard: What? No.
Raj: I’m just asking, dude. It happens.
Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh. Ouch.
Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.
Howard: Did you ask her to start waxing?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you start waxing?
Leonard: No.
Howard: While making love, did you accidentally spank your own ass and cry out Mommy?
Leonard: I’m walking away from you now.
Howard: That wasn’t a no.
Raj: Yeah, I think we’re getting close.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: Did you take a Benadryl and fall asleep while pleasuring her? Because you can die that way.
Raj: Oh, that would be a good way to go.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Sheldon: Good, Penny, reminder, bowling tonight at seven o’clock.
Penny: Oh, right, bowling.
Leonard: You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.
Penny: No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: It’s always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly veiled contempt.
Sheldon: Remember, seven o’clock.
Penny: Got it.
Sheldon: Pacific Daylight time!
Penny: Bite me!
Sheldon: Please reserve that butch spirit for the lanes.
Scene: The bowling alley.
Howard: I thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.
Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.
Howard: Then what’s with the disinfectant?
Sheldon: I know where my feet have been.
Stuart: Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going?
Sheldon: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.
Wil: You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?
Sheldon: I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?
Wil: It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.
Wil: Great. Then it’s on.
Sheldon: Oh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.
Time lapse.
Wil: Yes!
Sheldon: A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it’s really done. I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes. (Gets a strike) Yes. Tweet that, Tweety Bird.
Howard: Hey, I just wanted to tell you I’m a big fan.
Wil: Oh, thanks.
Howard: I’m sure you’re probably sick of Star Trek questions, but, Whoopi Goldberg, you ever hit that?
Raj: Ah, beer. The magic elixir that can turn this poor, shy Indian boy into the life of the party. Oh, yeah.
Leonard: Chilli cheese fry?
Penny: Yes. I love chilli cheese fries.
Leonard: Really? You love them?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Leonard: No reason. I’m just glad to hear you’re comfortable saying you love something.
Penny: Do you really want to get into this right now?
Leonard: Get into what? Why wouldn’t you love the chilli cheese fries? They’ve been in your life a long time. They make you happy. They deserve to know.
Penny: Okay, look, you just caught me by surprise last night. I didn’t know what to say.
Leonard: Okay, well, now you’ve had some time to think about it. So, what do you want to say?
Penny: I’m not sure.
Leonard: How can you not be sure?
Penny: Okay, this isn’t the place to have this conversation.
Leonard: No, the place to have the conversation was in bed after I said, I love you, and you said, Thank you, good night.
Penny: Don’t push it, Leonard.
Leonard: I am not pushing anything.
Penny: You are. You don’t get to decide when I’m ready to say I love you!
Raj: Ah, the premature I love you.
Howard: I guessed premature. Does that count?
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: This is for you.
Penny: Ice cream?
Sheldon: I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.
Penny: Um, Ach.
Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.
Penny: Did Leonard send you over here?
Sheldon: No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.
Penny: Yeah, I’m sorry about that.
Sheldon: I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.
Penny: Again, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.
Penny: All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better?
Sheldon: The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.
Penny: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.
Sheldon: You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.
Penny: No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you.
Sheldon: When are you going to talk to him?
Penny: I don’t know.
Sheldon: He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.
Penny: You’re not gonna leave me alone until I do it, are you?
Sheldon: Oh, I think we both know the answer to that question.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: I think we should talk now.
Leonard: What? No, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk ’cause there’s nothing to talk about. Everything’s good.
Penny: Really? So, you didn’t get all snarky ’cause I said something nice to a bowl of chilli fries?
Leonard: All right, maybe I overreacted. So we’re in two different places emotionally. So what? And maybe I’m a little ahead of you. That’s fine. You know. In fact, it makes sense, ’cause let’s face it, I’ve been in this relationship two years longer than you.
Penny: Look, Leonard, you have to know how much I care about you. It’s just that I’ve said the L word too soon before, and it didn’t work out very well.
Leonard: Really? I wouldn’t know what that’s like.
Penny: I’m sorry. You know what I’m talking about, though.
Leonard: Yeah, I do.
Penny: So, we’re good?
Leonard: Yes, that’s what I’m telling you. We are good. We are great.
Sheldon: All right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there’s a lot at stake here.
Scene: The bowling alley.
 
Sheldon: Attention, all bowlers. I’ve taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
Penny: The Wesley Crushers?
Sheldon: No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley “Crushers.”
Penny: I don’t get it.
Leonard: Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek.
Penny: Still don’t get it.
Sheldon: It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.
Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
Sheldon: What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”
Howard: You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers.
Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”
Wil: Hey, look. They named their team after me.
Sheldon: No, it’s not the… Never mind.
Stuart: So, we’re all clear on the bet and the stakes?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis.
Stuart: Ouch again.
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you.
Sheldon: Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?
Time lapse.
 
Wil: After you.
Sheldon: No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
Wil: It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.
Sheldon: All right.
Wil: It’s a custom, not a rule.
Sheldon: I so loathe you.
Wil: That’s right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.
Sheldon: That’s not even from your franchise!
Stuart: I, um, I want you to know that even though we’re on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will.
Penny: Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know.
Stuart: Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now.
Sheldon: Be the ball, Howard.
Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You weren’t the ball.
Penny: Hey, thanks.
Leonard: This is fun, huh?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: It’s good that we got out and did something physical.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Leonard: Gets us out of our heads. You get in your head, you start to overthink, overanalyze, obsess, you worry. That’s not what we’re doing tonight. Tonight we’re just throwing a ball at some pins.
Penny: Yeah, that’s right.
Leonard: Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.
All (chanting): Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don!
Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.
All (chanting): The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball!
Sheldon: Thank you, Jesus! As my mother would say.
Wil: I’m glad you patched things up with your boyfriend.
Penny: Oh, yeah, me, too.
Wil: It’s always tough when the L bomb gets dropped and you’re not ready for it.
Penny: Tell me about it.
Wil: I dated this one girl, and I told her that I loved her, and she said she wasn’t sure. And she strung me along for almost two years. It was brutal.
Penny: Oh, I’m sorry.
Wil: Thanks. Yeah, I wish she had just broken up with me right there, put me out of my misery.
Penny: Really?
Wil: Yeah, would have been kinder.
Stuart: Wil, you’re up.
Wil: Oh, that’s me.
Sheldon: Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?
Penny: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.
Wil: Yes!
Sheldon: Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.
Leonard: Penny, you’re up.
Sheldon: All right, remember, his meemaw’s alive and be the ball.
Penny: Yeah, I got it.
Leonard: We really need a strike here.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: So just take your time and concentrate.
Penny: Leonard, stop pressuring me.
Leonard: I’m not pressuring you.
Penny: Yeah, you are! Just back off!
Leonard: Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll shut up.
Penny: I didn’t mean shut up.
Leonard: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.
Penny: No, this isn’t fair to you, Leonard. I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!
Leonard: No, let her go.
Sheldon: Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over!
Leonard: I’m pretty sure it’s already over.
Wil: Tough luck, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You did this, didn’t you?
Wil: Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?
Sheldon: No, I suppose not.
Wil: Good. Keep thinking that.
Sheldon: Wheaton!
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah, I’m telling you the Match.com chicks are much looser than on eHarmony. You know, I, I gotta call you back. I won a bet, and it’s time to collect.
(The guys enter dressed as female superheroes. Howard is Batgirl, Sheldon is Wonder Woman, Leonard is Supergirl and Raj is Catwoman.)
Raj: I don’t know about you, but I feel empowered.
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.
Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?
Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Penny: Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Penny: Right.
Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Penny: Everyone.
Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.
Penny: So, how you been?
Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny: You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you?
Sheldon: Bazinga.
Penny: Mmm. How’s Leonard doing?
Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
Penny: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.
Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.
Penny: Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.
Sheldon: I’m hungry now.
Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over?
Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?
Penny: I don’t have hot dogs.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool.
Leonard: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.
Raj: Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.
Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.
Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?
Leonard: I don’t know. Why?
Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!
Credits sequence
 
Scene: A few moments later.
Howard: Oh, God, this is good.
Raj: Let me ask you a question. Do you believe you’re going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
Howard: Jews don’t have hell. We have acid reflux.
Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!
Leonard: So, you guys want to do something tonight?
Howard: Nah, I can’t. I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class. 18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool. Looks like the manatee tank at Sea World.
Leonard: What about you, Raj?
Raj: Oh, there it is, now that you don’t have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again.
Leonard: I never stopped hanging out with you.
Raj: Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.
Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.
Leonard: You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.
Raj: What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you?
Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.
Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?
Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks?
Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.
Howard: Hold on. I’ll walk down with you.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.
Howard: Or we could go together.
Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.
Howard: Let’s go.
Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason.
Raj: I’ve missed you.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: What?
Howard: You said you were going for a walk.
Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.
Howard: So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
Woman’s voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy.
Howard: Which way are you going?
Sheldon: Which way are you going?
Howard: I parked my scooter down the block.
Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.
Howard: Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs?
Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog.
Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.
Howard: All right, have a nice walk.
Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.
Howard: You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.
Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: I haven’t had sex in a year.
Leonard: Where you going with this, Raj?
Raj: Don’t flatter yourself, dude. I want to go out and meet a woman.
Leonard: So, go.
Raj: Well, I need a wingman. I don’t want to come off like a lonely loser.
Leonard: And you think my presence will help with that?
Raj: Well, I do. Next to you, I’ll look like a catch.
Leonard: I’m not going out tonight, Raj.
Raj: All right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?
Leonard: Very much.
Raj: Doesn’t have to be Asian.
Leonard: Don’t worry. You’ll meet a girl someday.
Raj: No, I won’t.
Leonard: Yes, you will, and she’ll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.
Raj: You really think so?
Leonard: I do, and you’ll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she’ll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces.
Raj: But we’ll have sex first, right?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.
Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.
Penny: Well, good.
Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.
Penny: He’s been crying?
Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.
Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible.
Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?
Penny: No. Why, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?
Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.
Penny: All right. So, what’s new in your life?
Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.
Penny: Have you been running?
Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Penny: I’m so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.
Penny: Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook.
Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.
Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I’m gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I’m in Jewish hell.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Look at this. Do you think she’s really doing that or is it PhotoShop?
Leonard: I’m pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys.
Raj: You don’t know that. Prison changes people.
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I told you, walking.
Leonard: For an hour and a half?
Sheldon: I got lost.
Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.
Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.
Raj: There are no solar flares right now.
Sheldon: Yes, there are.
Raj: Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.
Leonard: What the hell was that about?
Raj: I don’t know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah?
Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard is asleep.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, just come in!
Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.
Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may want to sit down.
Leonard: I’m in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?
Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?
Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.
Leonard: I guess not.
Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Oh, um, I, I can come back.
Leonard: D-don’t be silly. We’re neighbours, we’re going to run into each other, may as well get used to it.
Penny: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Leonard: You used to it yet?
Penny: Nope.
Leonard: Me neither. Oh, Sheldon seemed think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it’s fine.
Penny: Oh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me.
Leonard: His mother?
Penny: Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.
Leonard: I was going to do that.
Penny: Oh, well, then you, you do it.
Leonard: No, I don’t want to do it. You can do it.
Penny: Okay, you can take him for shoes.
Leonard: I just took him for shoes.
Penny: Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.
Leonard: Fine. I’ll take him for shoes next Saturday.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come.
Leonard: You’re taking him to Disneyland?
Penny: Well, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I going to say no?
Leonard: All right. But let me know if you’re going to stuff him with junk food. I don’t want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.
Penny: We’re going to Disneyland. He’s going to eat junk food.
Leonard: All I’m saying is give me a heads-up.
Penny: Okay, whatever.
Leonard: And don’t let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He’ll say he can handle it, but I promise you’ll end up with churro puke on your shoes.
Penny: All right, got it. Is there anything else?
Leonard: Yeah, don’t let Goofy near him. He’ll have nightmares and I’ll have to deal with it.
Penny: What’s the problem with Goofy?
Leonard: Wish I knew. He’s fine with Pluto.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
Howard: Well, that’s it. We’re officially out of things to talk about.
Penny: We’re home.
Leonard: It’s ten o’clock, where have you been?
Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.
Leonard: I was going to see that with him.
Penny: How was I supposed to know that?
Sheldon: It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you.
Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.
Penny: I know, I know.
Sheldon: I can still eat.
Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
Sheldon: Okay, but just don’t fight
Leonard: We’re not fighting.
Penny: Just go.
Leonard: Aren’t you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: You’re welcome, sweetie.
Leonard: Want a cup of coffee?
Penny: Oh, um, I should probably get going.
Leonard: Come on. It’s just a cup of coffee.
Penny: Yep, okay.
Howard (to Raj, who has whispered to him): Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
Leonard: What am I smelling?
Penny: Sheldon’s churro on my shoes.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny: He’s such an angel when he’s asleep.
Leonard: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
Penny: I think we can do it.
Leonard: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn’t that be wrong?
Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
Leonard: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
Penny: Good. I’m glad.
Leonard: Here’s an idea. I’m just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Kidding. Just a couple of friends goofin’ around.
Sheldon (in his sleep): No, Goofy, no.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Hold.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.
Raj: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: Do you have allergies?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?
Raj: I don’t put pepper on salads.
Sheldon: I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.
Raj: Oh, come on. I don’t want to sit by myself.
Sheldon: That’s what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled.
Raj: Guys, help me.
Howard: Sheldon, come on.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own.
Howard: See you, buddy.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.
Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
Sheldon: For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
Raj: The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.
Leonard: Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!
Sheldon: I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep?
Sheldon: My room, of course.
Raj: Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap!
Howard: Yeah, um, I have a two-part question.
Sheldon: Go ahead.
Howard: A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
Sheldon: A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
Howard: So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?
Leonard: Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon: Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?
Raj: When can I sit with you again?
Sheldon: When I’ve seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.
Leonard: I can’t believe he’s friends with Elizabeth Plimpton.
Raj: I can’t believe they let him into Canada.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where’s your throat cultures? Kidding. Sit down.
Credits sequence
 
Scene: The lobby
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?
Penny: What? What are you doing with, what?
Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.
Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?
Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.
Penny: Oh. What?
Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.
Penny: Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you?
Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled.
Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.
Penny: Female jibber jabber?
Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.
Penny: Oh, they’re not my friends.
Sheldon: I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: She’s here, she’s here. How do I look? Do I look smart?
Sheldon: Oh, good grief. This isn’t about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.
Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.
Elizabeth: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Elizabeth: Nice to finally meet you in person.
Sheldon: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live
here, you’re brilliant.
Sheldon: I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist.
Elizabeth: No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.
Leonard: Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything?
Sheldon: No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?
Elizabeth: Interesting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I’d pick the yogurt.
Sheldon: Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.
Leonard: Look, it’s you.
Scene: A little later.
Elizabeth: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Leonard: Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don’t open, those crazy card-shaped keys.
Elizabeth: I’m so glad you understand.
Sheldon: No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.
Leonard: Well, I understand, too.
Sheldon: You’re just misappropriating my understanding.
Leonard: Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
Sheldon: From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room.
Elizabeth: All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I’m smart.
Sheldon: Get it together, man.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There’s a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.
Elizabeth: Good to know.
Sheldon: In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
Elizabeth: What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
Sheldon: Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?
Elizabeth: Can I ask a question about your roommate?
Sheldon: He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?
Elizabeth: What’s his relationship status?
Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.
Elizabeth: Okay.
Sheldon: Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.
Elizabeth: How thoughtful.
Sheldon: Sleep well, my friend.
Elizabeth: You, too.
Sheldon: Oh, let me just get one thing. It’s my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn’t pass through here. Now, good night. And if there’s an apocalypse, good luck.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard: Yes?
Elizabeth: I saw your light on.
Leonard: Is everything all right?
Elizabeth: Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep.
Leonard: Me neither. Oh, look what I’m reading. It’s you.
Elizabeth: I thought you already read it.
Leonard: I did, but it’s been a while, and I wanted to sound smart over breakfast.
Elizabeth: Aw, you’re smart.
Leonard: Oh, good. Wasn’t sure it was coming across.
Elizabeth: What chapter are you on?
Leonard: Uh, six.
Elizabeth: Oh, the extragalactic distance ladder. Want to know a little secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Elizabeth: I wrote the section on the Wilson-Bappu Effect completely naked.
Leonard: Really? Uh, sure doesn’t read that way.
Elizabeth: Here, let me show you. When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars, we start to see (removes robe) a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found in Hubble’s constant.
Leonard: Wow. You really make science come alive.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.
Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Morning.
Elizabeth: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.
Elizabeth: More than pleasant.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m going to relieve myself.
Leonard: How do you take your coffee?
Elizabeth: Black.
Leonard: Okeydoke.
Sheldon (in bathroom): Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.
Leonard: Something his mother taught him.
Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.
Elizabeth: That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first.
Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.
Penny: Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work.
Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?
Penny: No, Mr. smarty-pants. I ignored the fill gas tank light.
Sheldon: Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure, let me just put this in a travel mug.
Penny: Hello.
Elizabeth: Hi.
Penny: Oh, Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn’t understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine.
Elizabeth: Nice to meet you.
Penny: Nice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay?
Elizabeth: Yes, very much.
Penny: Good.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard’s bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.
Elizabeth: Excuse me.
Leonard: Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work. You and Sheldon and Sheldon’s friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met. It’ll be fun. Like a clown car.
Penny: Hang on.
Leonard: Hmm? Yeah? What? Huh?
Penny: We just broke up.
Leonard: What, uh, you and me? Yeah, we did. Not too long ago. How are you doing with it?
Penny: Not as good as you apparently.
Leonard: I, um, I don’t follow.
Penny: You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard: Well, now…
Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened.
Sheldon: That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard: Well…
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Come on. It wasn’t my fault.
Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
Penny: You know what? I’m just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
Sheldon: I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.
Leonard: I didn’t betray Penny.
Sheldon: Not Penny, me!
Leonard: How am I betraying you?
Sheldon: Elizabeth’s my friend, and you’re playing with her!
Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did.
Scene: The cafeteria. Raj drinks from a hip flask.
Howard: What the hell are you doing?
Raj: Relax, it’s Nyquil.
Leonard: You still have a cold?
Raj: Maybe, but I don’t care. That’s the great thing about Nyquil, it’s like ten-percent booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine.
Leonard: Are you having trouble sleeping? ‘Cause, boy, I was up all night.
Raj: Did you get a cold, too?
Leonard: No, but I was awake all night.
Howard: If you want, I can give you some of my mom’s sleeping pills.
Raj: She won’t notice they’re missing?
Howard: She doesn’t know she takes them.
Leonard: No, that’s okay. It was something else keeping me up last night. And again this morning. And, I didn’t mind. I was up last night. I was up this morning. I didn’t mind. Those are your clues.
Raj: Ooh, ooh. Did the pigeon on your windowsill have more babies?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Were you up making another stop-motion Lego movie?
Leonard: No.
Howard: ‘Cause let me tell you, it’s not enough to make the Legos move, they also have to capture your heart.
Leonard: Okay, I’ll give you one more clue. It involved another person.
Raj: Did you get a Japanese love pillow?
Howard: How is a Japanese love pillow another person?
Raj: It is if you love her and give her a name.
Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali
Raj: Hi.
Sheldon: And not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: Hi.
Raj: I’m a big fan of your work.
Elizabeth: Thank you.
Sheldon: And of course, you’ve already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hey, you.
Elizabeth: Hey, you.
Leonard: Boy, I’m kind of tuckered out. How are you feeling, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: You know what? I am a little tired. Would you be a dear and get me a cup of coffee?
Leonard: Sure. Black, right?
Elizabeth: Actually, now I think I want it hot, brown and sweet.
Leonard: Coming right up.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: What?
Howard: What do you mean what? It’s Halo night.
Raj: I can’t. I’m too sick. Go away.
Howard: That’s why we moved Halo night here. Look, I brought my mom’s chicken soup.
Raj: I’m not hungry.
Elizabeth: Don’t send him away. Let him in.
Howard: Who’s that
Raj: I bought a parrot.
Howard: Yeah, right. Dr. Plimpton?
Elizabeth: Hi. Howard, right?
Howard: Uh, yeah.
Elizabeth: Can I ask you a question, Howard? Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I’m a dungeon master.
Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but uh-oh, Raj and I don’t have enough money to pay you. So we’ll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Howard: Beg pardon?
Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I’m going to go change into something I don’t mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
Howard: What the frak?
Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not Kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard: We broke up weeks ago.
Raj: Why didn’t you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
Leonard: Hey, who’s ready for Halo?
Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
Howard: He’s right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
Leonard: I don’t understand.
Elizabeth: Oh, good. Leonard’s here.
Raj: Good?
Leonard: Elizabeth? What’s going on?
Elizabeth: What’s going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don’t have enough money to pay any of you.
Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she’s suggesting?
Howard: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.
Raj: Okay, show of hands. Who’s up for this? (Only Howard raises his hand.)
Leonard: We’ll all be naked in front of each other.
Howard: I’m out.
Elizabeth: Everybody ready?
Raj: Follow my lead. Almost. We’re, we’re going to go out into the hallway and, uh, make a dramatic entrance.
Elizabeth: Oh, good. It’s so much better when everyone commits.
Raj: Run. Run, run, run. Don’t look back.
Leonard: I thought we had something special.
Raj (locks door): So, you say you can’t pay your rent?
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, Leonard?
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: I found these in the dryer. I’m assuming they belong to Sheldon.
Leonard: Thanks. It’s really hard to find these in his size. So, listen. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.
Penny: You mean you and Dr. Slutbunny?
Leonard: Yeah, I wanted to explain.
Penny: Well, you don’t owe me an explanation.
Leonard: I don’t?
Penny: No, you don’t.
Leonard: So you’re not judging me?
Penny: Oh, I’m judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don’t owe me an explanation.
Leonard: Nevertheless, I’d like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did.
Penny: I’m listening.
Leonard: She let me.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, Babydoll Pink, let’s see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad’s feet.
Leonard (voice off): It’s just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees!
Sheldon: (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
Leonard (voice off): Yes, if we lived in a teakettle.
Sheldon: (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard (voice off): Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.
Leonard (voice off): You know what, go to Hell and set their thermostat.
Sheldon: (voice off): I don’t have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I’m there already!
Penny (after a knock on the door): Who is it?
Leonard: Leonard.
Penny: Hang on.
Leonard: Can I sleep on your couch tonight?
Penny: Uh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
Leonard: You heard that, huh?
Penny: Apparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat-crap crazy.
Leonard: So you agree, he’s nuts.
Penny: Well, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
Leonard: Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.
Penny: Oh, I do not believe that.
Leonard: You are so naive. Just like I was seven years ago. (Flasback: The lobby) I’d just started at the university.
Past Leonard: Excuse me, I’m looking for Sheldon Cooper’s apartment.
Man with a box: Oh, I bet you’re here to check out the room for rent.
Past Leonard: Yeah.
Man: Run away, dude.
Past Leonard: What?
Man: Run fast, run far. (End of flashback.)
Leonard: That should have been my first clue.
Scene: Moments later.
Penny: So Sheldon’s last roommate tried to warn you off?
Leonard: For all I knew, he was the crazy one. He had this really deranged look.
Penny: Well, yeah, he’d been living with Sheldon.
Leonard: Sure, it makes sense now. (Flashback. Past Leonard is getting out of the lift). Anyway, I went upstairs and knocked on the door.
Large Black Transvestite: Yeah?
Past Leonard: Dr. Cooper?
Transvestite: No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
Leonard: In retrospect, that was clue number two.
Past Sheldon: Yes?
Past Leonard: I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said…
Past Sheldon: I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?
Past Leonard: What?
Past Sheldon: You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
Past Leonard: Uh, radon?
Past Sheldon: Are you asking me or telling me?
Past Leonard: Telling you? Telling you.
Past Sheldon: All right, next question. Kirk or Picard?
Past Leonard: Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Past Sheldon: Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.
Past Leonard (Enters apartment. It is bare except for two lawn chairs, a television and some whiteboards): Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there?
Past Sheldon: That depends.
Past Leonard: I don’t understand, their, their existence is conditional?
Past Sheldon: No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
Past Leonard: There’s three?
Past Sheldon: Each more daunting than the last. Have a seat.
Past Leonard: Okay.
Past Sheldon: No! That’s where I sit!
Past Leonard: What’s the difference?
Past Sheldon: This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.
Past Leonard: Can you do that?
Past Sheldon: Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.
Past Leonard: Uh, yeah, experimental physics.
Past Sheldon: Hmm.
Past Leonard: What is that?
Past Sheldon: Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day?
Past Leonard: Yes.
Past Sheldon: And you have a vehicle?
Past Leonard: A car, yeah.
Past Sheldon: And you’ll be willing to drive me?
Past Leonard: Well, can’t you drive?
Past Sheldon: I can. I choose not to.
Past Leonard: Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right?
Past Sheldon: Why don’t you let me do this.
Past Leonard: Come on, I just asked.
Past Sheldon: Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?
Past Leonard: Uh, I’m gonna go with preserving the knowledge.
Past Sheldon: That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.
Past Leonard: Oh, good. I passed the barriers.
Past Sheldon: The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?
Past Leonard: Uh, I guess.
Past Sheldon: This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?
Past Leonard: When I have to.
Past Sheldon: When you have to? I’m sorry, I don’t rent to hippies.
Past Leonard: I, I’m sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight.
Past Sheldon: I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty.
Past Leonard: Fine. I’ll take it.
Past Sheldon: Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!
Past Leonard: Is this it?
Past Sheldon: No, this is my room. People don’t go in my room.
Past Leonard: So where do you sleep?
Past Sheldon: I don’t understand.
Past Leonard: If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you? Making a joke.
Past Sheldon: Do you do this often?
Past Leonard: On occasion.
Past Sheldon: Your room. You may want to repaint. (End of Flashback)
Penny: Okay, and after all that, you just moved in?
Leonard: No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment)
Past Sheldon: Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.
Past Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Past Sheldon: We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.
Past Leonard: We have a flag?
Past Sheldon: Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.
Past Leonard: Okay.
Past Sheldon: Well that’s disappointing. (End of flashback.)
Penny: Why on earth did you agree to all that?
Leonard: It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way.
Penny: Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.
Leonard: Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.)
Past Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Past Leonard: Shh. Just pretend we’re not here.
Past Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?Leonard?
Past Leonard: I’m sure he’ll go away.
Past Sheldon: I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Past Leonard: What do you want? I didn’t say come in!
Past Sheldon: You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.”
Past Leonard: I didn’t even know her 12 hours ago.
Joyce Kim: That’s it! I’m out of here!
Past Leonard: But, Joyce, come on.
Past Sheldon: 12 hours? (End of flashback.)
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: Do I get some sympathy now?
Penny: A little bit. Okay. Let me get this straight. You move in with this guy, he makes you sign a ridiculous roommate agreement, then he walks into your bedroom while you’re doing this Joyce Kim, and you still stay?
Leonard: Actually, I couldn’t get too mad at him about Joyce Kim.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Well, I was doing some government research at the time, you know, military, rocket fuel. It’s kind of secret.
Penny: What does that have to do with Joyce Kim?
Leonard: As it turns out, she was a North Korean spy. Luckily, Sheldon drove her out before I revealed anything important. Which I’m not saying I would have.
Penny: So, what, that’s it? You’ve stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison?
Leonard: That was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator.
Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.
Leonard: It was, but one night, Sheldon came home from work… (Flashback, the apartment. The settee has now appeared. Leonard, Howard and Raj are playing a video game.)
Past Sheldon: What is going on here?
Past Leonard: Hey, Sheldon. This is Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too.
Past Howard: Hey.
Past Raj: Hey.
Past Sheldon: I’ll get to you later. What are you sitting on?
Past Howard: I can’t speak for these guys, but I’m sitting on my tushie. It’s a joke.
Past Leonard: Yeah, not a good idea.
Past Raj: Tushie is buttocks, right?
Past Howard: Right.
Past Raj: Hilarious.
Past Sheldon: Explain the couch.
Past Leonard: Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
Past Sheldon: But what’s wrong with the furniture we have?
Past Leonard: They’re lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.
Past Sheldon: Did it occur to you that was by design?
Past Leonard: According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
Past Sheldon: But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.
Past Leonard: I did notify you.
Past Sheldon: Oh, you did, did you? Oh, drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.
Past Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?
Past Sheldon: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled this is funny.
Past Raj: Oh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious. (End of flashback.)
Penny: Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator?
Leonard: I’m getting to it. (Back to flashback.)
Past Sheldon: I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.
Past Raj: Okay, do you have an opinion about everything?
Past Sheldon: Yes.
Past Howard: And you just assume you’re always right?
Past Sheldon: It’s not an assumption. Change seats with me.
Past Raj: Why?
Past Sheldon: I don’t like this spot. I have to keep turning my head.
Past Raj: Fine.
Past Leonard: Ooh, it’s time for Babylon 5!
Past Sheldon: We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.
Past Leonard: Why not?
Past Sheldon: Because no one likes Babylon 5.
Past Leonard: I like it.
Past Raj: Me, too.
Past Howard: So do I.
Past Leonard: There you go– three against one.
Past Sheldon: They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.
Past Leonard: But I said no to that.
Past Sheldon: And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me.
Past Howard: Why?
Past Sheldon: There’s a draft on my neck over here.
Past Howard: So, I get the draft?
Past Sheldon: You’re protected by your turtleneck.
Past Howard: Fine. And it’s a dickey.
Past Sheldon: Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here.
Past Leonard: We can fix that. Let’s leave.
Past Howard: Yeah, we can go over to my place.
Past Sheldon: Wait. Let me get my jacket.
Past Howard: You’re not going with us.
Past Sheldon: Why not?
Past Raj: You’re the guy we’re trying to get away from.
Past Sheldon: Oh. Well, in that case, I don’t need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is I’m the guy from whom you’re trying to get away. Oh, yes, this is definitely going to be my spot. (End of flashback.)
Penny: Okay, how do you know he said that? You left the room.
Leonard: Hey, do you want me to finish working on your man feet or not?
Penny: Fine. Go ahead. (Flashback to Howard’s bedroom.)
Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, are you having a playdate?
Past Howard: I don’t have playdates! I have colleagues!
Mrs Wolowitz: Do their parents know they’re here?
Past Howard: No, but if you keep screaming, maybe they’ll hear you!
Past Leonard: That your dad?
Past Howard: She grows any more hair on her face, yes.
Past Leonard: Oh, man. Is that a two-stage rocket?
Past Howard: Three. I designed the engine myself.
Past Raj: Cool. Can it break Mach 1?
Past Howard: Oh, probably, if I could get my hands on that new fuel the government’s been working on.
Past Leonard: Oh, this just might be your lucky day.
Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, what happened to the Oreos I left on the counter?!
Past Howard: I haven’t seen your Oreos! Just take your bath without them! (End of flashback.)
Penny: So, why was it his lucky day?
Leonard: Well, it turns out I had a little rocket fuel in the apartment.
Penny: What were you doing with rocket fuel in your apartment?
Leonard: Mm, Joyce Kim was kind of curious about what I did for a living, and I was going to kind of show it to her. It’s not important. The point is, the guys and I went back to the apartment.
Penny: Are we ever going to get to the elevator?
Leonard: Yeah, we’re really close. Uh, uh, we’re at the apartment. (Flashback.)
Past Leonard: The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust.
Past Howard: Nice.
Past Raj: Cool.
Past Sheldon: Won’t work.
Past Leonard: Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work.
Past Sheldon: You don’t see your mistake, do you?
Past Leonard: There’s no mistake.
Past Sheldon: This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
Past Leonard: Well, I’ve adjusted the formula.
Past Sheldon: Not correctly.
Past Leonard: Okay, I’ve had it with you. You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science-fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics. And when it comes to applied physic… uh-oh.
Past Howard: What’s happening?
Past Leonard: A bad thing. A very bad thing. Get the door. Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! Get the door!
Past Howard: You’re waiting for the elevator?
Past Leonard: Oh. Right.
Past Raj: Wait. It’s here.
Past Sheldon: Give me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)
Past Leonard: What’d you do that for? I had plenty of time. (Elevator explodes.)
Past Sheldon: You’re welcome. (End of flashback.)
Leonard: Not only did Sheldon save my life, he didn’t rat me out to the landlord. Or the police. Or Homeland Security.
Penny: Okay, so, basically, you’re the reason I have to walk up and down three flights of stairs every day?
Leonard: So I did something stupid. I’m sure you did stupid things when you were younger. What were you doing seven years ago?
Penny: Excuse me, I was in high school. Studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community. (Flashback. Penny is in her bedroom, sitting on the bed with a guy, looking at a pregnancy tester.)
Past Penny: Not pregnant. Yes!
Scene: The apartment.
 
Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favourite Linux-based operating system.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate?
Leonard: Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology.
Sheldon: There’s doubt?
Leonard: I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it.
Sheldon: That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.
Leonard: Okay, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: There you go.
Leonard: So, we’re good?
Sheldon: Good what?
Leonard: Never mind. Okay if I watch some TV?
Sheldon: Go ahead.
Television voice: Up next Babylon 5.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Leonard (voice off): You’re not even watching!
Sheldon (voice off): I can hear it!
Leonard (voice off): Oh, so the dialogue offends you?
Sheldon (voice off): I would hardly call that dialogue!
Leonard (voice off): You’re insane, you know that?!
Sheldon (voice off): Don’t make me turn that flag upside down, ’cause you know I’ll do it!
Scene: On the roof of the apartment building.
Leonard: Okay, we’ve got power to the laser.
Sheldon: I should’ve brought an umbrella.
Leonard: What for? It’s not going to rain.
Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.
Howard: That’s a bazinga, right?
Sheldon: One of my best, don’t you think?
Leonard: Howard, do you want to double-check the equatorial mount on the laser? We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility.
Howard: You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.
Raj: It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy.
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?
Leonard: Relax, it’s just a dirty sock.
Sheldon: How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?
Leonard: Sheldon, the world is filled with dirty discarded socks.
Sheldon: Not my world.
Leonard: Hey, you know who’d really dig seeing this experiment? Penny.
Sheldon: I wasn’t aware that lunar ranging was her thing. Although, I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object.
Raj: Why don’t you ask her to come up?
Leonard: I don’t know, it’s still a little weird since, you know…
Howard: She dumped you?
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard: Oh, it’s very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called please don’t leave me, while Penny had just moved to the island of bye-bye.
Leonard: Screw you guys. I’m gonna go see if she’s home.
Howard: If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to point this at the moon now.
Raj: Wait a second, the good wife is crying. Something’s very wrong.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hi. What’s going on?
Leonard: We’re up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.
Penny: I’m sorry, what?
Leonard: It’s pretty cool. We’ve got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything. I thought you might want to see it.
Man in Penny’s Apartment: That makes no sense.
Penny: Um…
Man: How can you bounce stuff off the moon? There’s no gravity.
Penny: Uh, Leonard, this is Zack. Zack, Leonard.
Zack: Hey.
Leonard: Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were busy. Maybe another time.
Penny: Yeah, maybe.
Zack: Hey, I want to see this laser thing.
Penny: Oh, but what about the party?
Zack: It’s a surprise party, doesn’t matter when we get there.
Penny: Oh, right.
Leonard: Okay, well, yeah, come on up. So, how’d you two guys meet?
Zack: My company designs the menus for the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Your company?
Zack: Well,, my dad, but me and my sister are VPs.
Leonard: So, menus.
Zack: I know it sounds easy but there’s a lot of science that goes in designing them.
Scene: The roof.
Howard: Happy now? I’m moving the dirty sock.
Sheldon: Thank you. Raj, keep an eye out for the other one.
Penny: Hey, guys, this is my friend Zack.
Zack: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Zack: Whoa! Is that the laser? It’s bitchin’.
Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin’.
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.
Leonard: Let me explain what we’re doing here. Um, in 1969, the astronauts on Apollo 11 positioned reflectors on the surface of the moon, and we’re going to shoot a laser off one of them and let the light bounce back into this photomultiplier.
Penny: Oh! That’s very cool.
Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won’t blow up?
Leonard: The laser?
Zack: The moon.
Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard: Uh, that’s a great question, Zack.
Sheldon: No, it’s not.
Penny: Sheldon! Play nice.
Sheldon: Well it’s not a great question. How could somebody possibly think we’re going to blow up the moon? That’s a great question.
Leonard: Don’t worry about the moon. We, we set our laser to stun.
Zack: Smart.
Leonard: Now, we’ll be able to see the beam when it leaves, but it won’t be strong enough when it comes back to be seen by the naked eye.
Zack: Naked.
Leonard: Right. Uh yeah, funny. Uh, that device there will measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses.
Zack: Cool, it’s gonna be in 3-D?
Howard: Preparing to fire laser at the moon.
Sheldon: Make it so.
Howard: There it is. There’s the spike!
Leonard: 2.5 seconds for the light to return. That’s the moon! We hit the moon!
Zack: That’s your big experiment? All that for a line on the screen?
Leonard: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
Zack: What species is that?
Sheldon: I was wrong. Penny can do better.
Penny: Okay, guys, thank you, it’s been fun.
Zack: Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?
Penny: No, just keep walking.
Sheldon: He must be very skilled at coitus.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I’m telling you, dude, the only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.
Howard: Horse.
Raj: What?
Howard: The phrase is get back on the horse, not whores.
Raj: That’s disgusting, dude.
Howard: No, it’s not… Never mind. He is right, though. If you want, I can turn you on to this great new dating site I found.
Leonard: No, thanks.
Howard: You sure? They say they can find a match for anybody.
Leonard: Have they found a match for you?
Howard: Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left.
Sheldon: I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.
Leonard: I’ll help you.
Sheldon: Thank you. Lift with your knees, not your back. Good night.
Raj: You know what would be fun? Signing Sheldon up for online dating.
Howard: Yeah, right.
Raj: No, think about it. We make it an experiment. Like when Frankenstein’s monster was lonely and he found a wife.
Howard: He didn’t find a wife. They built him a wife out of dead body parts.
Raj: Okay, we’ll call that plan B.
Scene: The apartment. It is night and the lights are off. Knocking.
Leonard: Coming!
Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard.
Leonard: Are you drunk?
Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy, and then you ruined him!
Leonard: How did I ruin him?
Penny: ‘Cause in the olden days, I never would’ve known he was so stupid.
Leonard: Come on, he wasn’t that stupid.
Penny: Yes, he was! He thought you were gonna blow up the moon!
Leonard: Okay, yeah, he’s stupid.
Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how he invented the word appe-teasers.
Leonard: How is that my fault?
Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots. Now, come with me.
Leonard: Where are we going?
Penny: We’re gonna have sex.
Leonard: Why? I mean, okay.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Penny: Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ’cause it’s gonna get loud.
Sheldon: Oh! Not this again.
Scene: The next morning.
Sheldon: In what universe is this low-pulp? Good morning, Penny.
Penny: What, do you have eyes in the back of your head?
Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?
Penny: Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry.
Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.
Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.
Leonard: How many times have I asked you not to do that?
Sheldon: Counting this instance? 317.
Leonard: Where’s Penny?
Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.
Leonard: I wonder why she didn’t say good-bye.
Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?
Leonard: I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.
Sheldon: I have no difficulty believing you’re not butter.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Penny: Oh, hi. Um, I gotta run. Early shift.
Leonard: Okay, I’ll walk down with you. So, last night was fun, huh?
Penny: Yeah, it must have been. I just threw up in my closet.
Leonard: Bummer. Anyway, I was thinking tonight maybe we could catch a movie.
Penny: Oh, yeah, tonight’s not great for me.
Leonard: Doesn’t have to be tonight. I’m free pretty much always.
Penny: Leonard, last night was a mistake.
Leonard: When you say mistake, do you mean a fortunate mistake, like the discovery of penicillin?
Penny: Look, I’m sorry. I was drunk, I was lonely, I hated Zack. Can we just forget it ever happened?
Leonard: No, it’s pretty well imprinted on my brain. Especially the whole rodeo thing.
Penny: Oh, God!
Leonard: So, that’s it? Wham, bam, thank you, Leonard?
Penny: Look, I said I’m sorry. Can’t u please let it go?
Leonard: How am I supposed to let it go? You used me for sex! Morning, Mrs. Gunderson.
Mrs Gunderson: Good morning, Leonard. Or should I say yee-haw?
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Holy crap.
Howard: What?
Raj: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us.
Howard: Excuse me?
Raj: The dating site matched a woman with Sheldon.
Howard: You’re kidding. An actual woman?
Raj: Yeah, look. Breasts and everything.
Howard: Trust me, breasts doesn’t necessarily mean woman.
Raj: Since when?
Howard: I’ll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime. Leonard, you gotta see this, we found a match for Sheldon.
Leonard: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him, and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a how do you do?
Raj: Do you know what he’s talking about?
Howard: Nope. Why don’t you ask him?
Raj: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.
Raj: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard: Whatever. Right now, Dr. Sheldon Cooper has to send an e-mail to his perfect match. Greetings, fellow life-form…
Scene: A building corridor.
Leonard: If she can do it, I can do it. If she can do it, I can do it. If she can do it, I can do it. (Knocks on door) I can’t do it.
Leslie Winkle: Hello?
Leonard: Oh, hi. Hey. Hi, Leslie.
Leslie: Leonard Hofstadter. What’re you doing here?
Leonard: Uh, I know! It’s been a while!
Leslie: Yeah, 18 months.
Leonard: Right. Right. So how you doing?
Leslie: Fine. You?
Leonard: Uh, not bad. You remember when we used to have sex and you said that it didn’t mean anything, it was just for fun?
Leslie: Yeah.
Leonard: Uh, do you, uh, want to do that again?
Leslie: What happened? Blondie dumped you?
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Leslie: Right.
Leonard: Um, anyway, apparently, it’s okay to go back to people you’re no longer seeing and have recreational sex with them.
Leslie: Uh-huh.
Leonard: So, what do you say?
Leslie: Let me think about it. (Slams door.)
Leonard: She’s not coming back.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Uh-oh. She wants to meet us.
Howard: Not us. Him.
Raj: Yes, but him doesn’t even know about her.
Howard: Well, him about to find out about her.
Raj: Really? Us gonna tell him?
Sheldon: Who’s going to tell whom about what?
Howard: Sheldon. Hey.
Raj: Hi.
Sheldon: Your surprise confuses me. I live here.
Howard: Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon?
Sheldon: Be more specific.
Howard: Four thirty.
Sheldon: That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.
Raj: Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning?
Sheldon: Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.
Howard: Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?
Sheldon: I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.
Raj: But it’s true. But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum.
Howard: And that’s exactly the answer we gave to the question, what is your attitude towards online dating”
Raj: Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.
Howard: Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity?
Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.
Raj: Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years.
Sheldon: He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.
Howard: Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.
Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.
Howard: All right, you can have a hot chocolate.
Sheldon: As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: What’s life without whimsy?
Howard: Okay, I’m out.
Raj: Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever.
Sheldon: You’re bluffing.
Raj: Are you willing to risk it?
Sheldon: Curse you.
Scene: The hallway. Leonard is finishing off a bottle of spirits. He opens the lift and drops the bottle inside.
Leonard: Thirty feet.
Penny: Oh. Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: I was a perfectly happy, geeky, little lonely guy, and you ruined me!
Penny: Are you drunk?
Leonard: Come on. We’re gonna have sex, and it’s not gonna mean a thing!
Penny: Are you out of your mind?!
Leonard: I’m really starting to think there’s a double standard here.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Sheldon: In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
Raj: You don’t know we’re wrong yet.
Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.
Amy: Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy: I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water, please.
Howard: Good God, what have we done?
Scene: The apartment. A robotic arm is extracting some Chinese takeaway from a bag controlled by Howard.
 
Howard: And now the kung pao chicken.
Leonard: Alright.
Raj: Smooth.
Howard: And finally, my moo shu pork.
Raj: Whoo-hoo!
Howard: Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.
Raj: And it only took 28 minutes.
Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.
Leonard: I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sheldon.
Sheldon: No one ever does. That’s why it happens.
Penny (arriving): Hey. Is the food here? Ooh. What’s that?
Howard: That, dear lady, is the Wolowitz Programmable Hand, designed for extravehicular repairs on the International Space Station.
Penny: Ah, cool.
Howard: Ask me to pass the soy sauce.
Penny: Oh, does that come up much on the space station?
Howard: Mostly with Asian and Jewish astronauts.
Penny: All right. Pass the soy sauce.
Howard: Coming up. (Starts typing rapidly)
Leonard: So how’s work?
Penny: Oh, it’s not bad. Kind of hungry.
Leonard: Yeah, we all are.
Howard: Just wait.
Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon: I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?
Howard: Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand.
Penny: Oh ha-ha, oh. That’s amazing.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
Howard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes? (Howard types. The hand puts up two fingers to Sheldon.) Peace?
Howard: No, not peace. Hang on.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A few moments later.
Penny: Does NASA know you’re using that thing as a napkin holder?
Howard: You kidding? They still think it’s in a secure locker at JPL.
Penny: You stole it?
Howard: Borrowed. The trick is to carry it out to your car like you own it.
Sheldon (phone gives text alert): Excuse me. Oh. Amy’s at the dry cleaners, and she’s made a very amusing pun. “I don’t care for perchloroethylene, and I don’t like glycol ether.” Get it? She doesn’t like glycol ether. Sounds like either. (Taps in reply) L-O-L.
Penny: Who’s Amy?
Leonard: His girlfriend.
Penny: Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: How long has this been going on?
Leonard: Four months.
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: Are you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you what’s new and you never thought to go with Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: Ah, du-du-du-du-du. How did they meet?
Howard: Raj and I entered Sheldon’s information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, my God! Sheldon and Amy.
Howard: Or, as we call them, Shamy.
Penny (squeals): Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy.
Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.
Penny: Okay, well, what do you communicate about?
Sheldon: Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
Penny (spits out drink explosively. Howard types. Robot arm hands Penny a napkin): Thank you.
Leonard: Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby?
Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard: I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, I have a question.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny.
Penny: You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex?
Sheldon: Why on Earth would we have sex?
Penny: Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?
Sheldon: I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental?
Leonard: Still digging the Shamy?
Penny: Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her.
Sheldon: You mean dating?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: I can’t date Amy.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child.
Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?
Penny: Probably not.
Sheldon: Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me.
Scene: The hallway.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.
Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.
Penny: Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time.
Sheldon: If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.
Penny: What do you want?
Sheldon: I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, that’s great. Have fun.
Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You know I don’t drive.
Penny: Well, go ask Leonard.
Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.
Penny: Leonard said cockamamie?
Sheldon: Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.
Penny: Okay, fine. When’s the date?
Sheldon: Now.
Penny: Now?
Sheldon: Hurry. We’re going to be late.
Penny: Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?
Penny: Well, no, not per se, but…
Sheldon: So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?
Penny: Let me get my cockamamie keys.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is being massaged by the robot hand.
Howard: Oh, God, that feels so good. Yeah, that’s the spot. Oh, baby.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, dinner’s ready!
Howard: I’ll eat later. I’m busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thank you for driving me.
Penny: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.
Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.
Penny: Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?
Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then, this is my first date.
Penny: Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know.
Sheldon: I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.
Penny: My point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me.
Sheldon: If you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it?
Penny: Fair point.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know, there’s something I’ve always wondered about Aquaman.
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: Where does he poop?
Leonard: What?
Raj: What would a toilet look like in Atlantis? How would you flush it? And when you did flush it, where would the poop go?
Leonard (phone rings): Hold that thought. Hey, Howard, what’s going on? What? Hold on, Howard, Howard, slow down. The robot hand is stuck on your what? (To Raj) You’re not going to believe this.
Scene: Penny’s car. Amy is now in the back seat.
Penny: So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you’re a neuro something-or-other.
Amy: Neurobiologist. Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yeah, it’s okay.
Amy: But the light indicates…
Sheldon: Don’t bother. I’ve wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.
Penny: Um, what is that scent you’re wearing? It smells great.
Amy: Dandruff shampoo. I have dry scalp.
Penny: Ah. Well, your hair looks very nice.
Amy: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: No, no, I was just giving you a compliment.
Amy: Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.
Penny: Guys, how ’bout some music?
Sheldon: Oh, no, I wouldn’t care for that. Amy?
Amy: No, thank you.
Penny: Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Well, why don’t you tell her?
Sheldon: All right. It was hell.
Penny: Any follow up, Amy?
Amy: No.
Penny: I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?
Penny: I don’t know. I was just trying something.
Sheldon: Muggles.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Raj: You slipped and fell into a robot hand?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Penis first?
Howard: Yes. Now, help me!
Leonard: I’d suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.
Howard: Not funny, Leonard.
Raj: Really? A robot hand’s got a death grip on your junk, dude. That’s funny, ask anyone.
Howard: Please, before my mother walks in, just get this off me!
Leonard: Okay, let’s see.
Howard: No, no! Don’t touch, the program is paused.
Leonard: Well, then let’s un-pause it.
Howard: No, no! I loaded the wrong program. The hand thinks it’s holding a screwdriver in outer space. If you continue the program, it’s gonna start twisting.
Raj: A-All right, um, how about this. When, when Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends all grabbed onto him and pulled and pulled.
Leonard: You do what you want, I’m not touching another man’s honey tree.
Raj: All right, uh, forget pulling. How about we get an electric saw and cut it off?
Howard: What? No saws! One circumcision was enough.
Leonard: How about an acetylene torch?
Howard: Okay, I can’t believe this needs to be said out loud. No pulling, no saws, no torches.
Leonard: Well, then what do you want us to do?
Howard: I…
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, I made cookies for you and your little friends!
Howard: That’s great, Mom, thanks!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’ll bring them up with some Hawaiian Punch!
Howard: Don’t come up here!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Why not?! Are you ashamed of your mother?!
Howard: Yes, but that’s not the point! Get me out of here.
Leonard: You have any ideas, Raj?
Raj: Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: Hey, here’s another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.
Amy: That’s an amusing factoid.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.
Amy: Is this true?
Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count.
Penny: So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh)
 
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.
Penny: What? Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. 16?
Penny: 14.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you’ve made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I’m gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No! No. Let’s just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centres of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.
Amy: Then 128.
Scene: A hospital,=.
Leonard: Okay, come on. Almost there.
Howard: Don’t tug. No tugging.
Raj: Next time, take your own advice.
Leonard: Excuse me, could you help us out?
Nurse: My, my, my. What do we have here?
Howard: I slipped and fell.
Nurse: Yeah, we get that a lot. What is this?
Howard: It’s a robot arm.
Nurse: Where’s the rest of the robot?
Howard: I only built the arm.
Nurse: ‘Cause that’s all you needed, right?
Howard: Can you please just help me?
Nurse: All right, all right. Hang on, stay calm. (Over PA system) I need an orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man’s penis out here.
Howard: You think you could be a little more discreet?
Nurse: I’m sorry, we don’t have a code for robot hand grasping a man’s penis. Why is it hooked up to a computer?
Leonard: Uh, it’s what controls the arm.
Howard: But it’s frozen.
Nurse: Did you try turning it off and back on again?
Howard: No, you see, it’s more complicated than that. (Nurse switches off computer) No, wait! (The hand lets go) Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree.
Raj: Now can we have cookies and Hawaiian Punch?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.
Penny: I did not have sex with 31 guys.
Sheldon: I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.
Penny: And that is?
Sheldon: Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.
Penny: You’re still on that?
Sheldon: In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?
Penny: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you.
Sheldon: That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.
Penny: Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
Sheldon: Curses.
Penny: If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night.
Sheldon: Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.
Leonard (on phone): Hey, Howard, what’s up?
Sheldon: I’ve decided not to procreate.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, great. Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again?
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room.
Leonard: Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?
Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.
Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?
Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.
Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?
Sheldon: Killed by badger.
Leonard: How’s that?
Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
Leonard: I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.
Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?
Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out.
Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.
Leonard: That long, huh?
Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.
Leonard: What’s there?
Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.
Leonard: So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?
Sheldon: By this much.
Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs?
Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.
Leonard: What’s a dogapus?
Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.
Leonard: Is somebody working on that?
Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.
Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs.
Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: What do we owe you?
Leonard: It came to $28.17. Let’s say six bucks apiece.
Howard: Here you go.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Never mind. I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard: It’s no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, no. You’re right. We’re not going out anymore, I should pay for myself. (After Raj whispers to Howard, and Howard laughs) What?
Howard: He said if he had woman parts, he’d eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn’t be able to talk to yourself. I’m a little low on cash.
Leonard: Hmm? How much you got?
Penny: Nothing.
Leonard: How can you walk around with no money?
Penny: I’m cute. I get by.
Leonard: It’s okay, you can owe me.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, six bucks.
Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.
Penny: But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night.
Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.
Howard: Really? You’re changing the Sheldonian calendar?
Sheldon: It’s a small price to pay.
Penny: For what?
Leonard: No, no, don’t ask.
Penny: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Penny: Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
Sheldon: Correct.
Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
Sheldon: Essentially, yes.
Penny: Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that?
Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.
Penny: Wait. Honey,have you ever run before?
Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: No, it won’t. Um, how does he know I jog?
Howard: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
Penny: Oh, my God, that is so creepy!
Howard: I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he’s not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.
Leonard: What the hell? What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.
Leonard: There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.
Leonard: When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?
Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!
Leonard: Have you had your appendix out?
Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?
Leonard: Let’s get you to the hospital.
Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.
Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.
Scene: The hallway.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees.
Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.
Penny: Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?
Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?
Penny: I don’t have one.
Sheldon: What about your pedometer?
Penny: Don’t have one.
Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Penny: Uh, no.
Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?
Penny: No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.
Sheldon: Why are you doing that?
Penny: It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it.
Sheldon: I am doing it.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?
Sheldon: We’ll never know.
Penny: Okay, let’s just warm up on the run.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Okay, let’s go.
Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!
Penny (squealing): Oh, my God, are you okay?
Sheldon: I think so.
Penny: Oh, let me help you up.
Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting)
Penny: Oh, Sheldon!
Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Leonard: Here’s my chicken curry. Howard, your shrimp biryani.
Howard: Thank you, sir.
Leonard: Palak paneer, that’s Penny.
Penny: Thanks.
Leonard: And for Rajesh Koothrappali, from whose homeland these tasty dishes originate, one large order of chicken McNuggets.
Penny: Hey, what’s my share?
Leonard: Uh, 12 bucks.
Penny: Okay, can I get you after Friday when I get paid?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: What am I up to now?
Leonard: Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh, a little over fourteen hundred dollars.
Penny (after Raj whispers to Howard and they both laugh): What now?
Howard: He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff.
Penny: It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!
Leonard: Sheldon, are you gonna join us?
Sheldon: Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.
Leonard: Greetings, whatever the hell you are.
Sheldon-bot: I am a mobile virtual presence device. Recent events have demonstrated to me that my body is too fragile to endure the vicissitudes of the world. Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness, I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Really? That’s your question? When did he put a ramp in?
Sheldon-bot: You’re in my spot. This may seem a little odd at first, but over time you’ll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
Penny: Yeah, to be honest, I don’t see much difference.
Sheldon-bot: Thank you. That’s what I was going for. Now, Leonard, tomorrow, when we go to work, you’ll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs. For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. I’m coming to talk to you.
Sheldon-bot: You don’t know where I am. My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location.
Leonard: You’re in your bedroom.
Sheldon-bot: No, I’m not.
Leonard: I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom.
Sheldon-bot: No, you can’t. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only!
Penny: So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.
Leonard: I am looking at you.
Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.
Leonard: You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.
Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.
Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.
Leonard: Fine, but don’t expect my help.
Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: No, it’s not.
Sheldon: Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.
Leonard: I’ll be damned.
Scene: Leonard’s car
Sheldon-bot: This is delightful.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon-bot: It’s much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery vehicular death.
Leonard: Refresh my memory. Why didn’t I just put you in the trunk?
Sheldon-bot: Because I called shotgun. Remember?
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon-bot: You seem tense. Perhaps this will relax you.
Leonard: I don’t want to listen to music, Sheldon.
Sheldon-bot: Very well. I don’t understand why you’re not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we’re like Knight Rider.
Leonard: Except in Knight Rider, the car isn’t a yammering sphincter.
Sheldon-bot: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn’t survive. There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
Leonard: I was wrong, this is exactly like Knight Rider.
Sheldon-bot: Perhaps you’d be interested in a different game.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon-bot: This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I’ve introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I’ll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go.
Leonard: That’s it. Bye-bye. (Turns off screen.)
Sheldon-bot (screen switching itself back on): Bazinga.
Leonard: Whoa!
Sheldon-bot: I have an override switch.
Leonard: I almost died!
Sheldon-bot : And I’m safe and sound in bed. Who’s crazy now?
Leonard: I’m still going to go with you.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Sheldon-bot : Hello, Professor Hoskins. Nice to see you, Mindy. Konichi-wa Dr. Nakamora. Sorry the Swedes disproved your theory. Leonard, my door.
Leonard: What about it?
Sheldon-bot : Be a lamb and open it for me.
Leonard: Why? What’s the problem?
Sheldon-bot : You think you have me stymied, don’t you?
Leonard: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
Howard: Oh, look, it’s Leonard and R2-D-Bag.
Raj: That’s my joke. I told it last night. You can’t just use it.
Sheldon-bot : Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
Raj: Oh, sure.
Sheldon-bot : He’s a lamb. You’re not.
Raj: I’m a lamb.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Sheldon-bot : Isn’t this nice? The pleasures of fellowship and camaraderie without having to tolerate your germy breath on my skin.
Howard: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
Raj: That’s two, dude. Write your own jokes.
Penny: Oh, great. Hi, I’m Penny, I’ll be your waitress.
Leonard: Why are you introducing yourself?
Penny: I’d rather people not know I have any prior connection to you whatsoever.
Sheldon-bot : Can you tell me the specials this evening?
Penny: Sheldon, I’m not waiting on you.
Sheldon-bot: Obviously. I don’t even have water yet.
Penny: Because you’re not here.
Sheldon-bot: That’s discrimination against the otherwise located. I’m going to have to go over your head. Manager, manager. Oh, Lord, look who it is.
Howard: Is that Steve Wozniak?
Leonard: I think it is.
Sheldon-bot : The Great and Powerful Woz.
Leonard: Penny, Steve Wozniak was one of the cofounders of Apple Computer. He and Steve Jobs started it…
Penny: Yeah, I know who he is. I watch Dancing with the Stars.
Sheldon-bot : I must speak to him.
Leonard: Of course you must.
Penny: You know, there’s an Olive Garden down the street. You guys should try it sometime.
Sheldon-bot : Excuse me, Mr. Wozniak?
Steve Wozniak: Oh, hey. Nice virtual presence device.
Sheldon-bot : Thank you. I just want to say I’m a big fan. You’re my fifteenth favourite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak: Only fifteenth?
Sheldon-bot : It’s still six spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
Sheldon-bot : One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple Two. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
Steve Wozniak: Thanks, we were shooting for nifty. You know, if you had it here, I’d autograph it for you.
Sheldon-bot: Don’t move for 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how the buses are running.
Steve Wozniak: Nerds.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2.
Sheldon: I’m coming, Woz, I’m coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon-bot approaches Penny’s door and starts bashing into it.
Sheldon-bot : (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny.
Penny: What up, Shel-Bot?
Sheldon-bot: I can’t get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
Penny: What do you want me to do?
Sheldon-bot: Sing me Soft Kitty.
Penny: Really, you want me to sing Soft Kitty to a computer monitor?
Sheldon-bot: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Sheldon-bot: Closer to the microphone.
Penny: Happy kitty, sleepy…
Sheldon-bot: No. You have to start over.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: All right, I’m ready for my next question.
Amy: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?
Sheldon: Uganda.
Amy: Defend.
Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
Amy: Correct. My turn.
Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?
Amy: Tuned bayonets.
Sheldon: Defend.
Amy: Isn’t it obvious?
Sheldon: You’re right. My apologies.
Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing?
Sheldon: It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.
Amy: We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.
Sheldon: It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.
Leonard: All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl.
Sheldon: You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
Leonard: Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know.
Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.
Leonard: I can figure this out, let’s see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I’ll say cinnamon.
Sheldon: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.
Leonard: What?
Amy: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?
Leonard: This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.
Amy: Is he always like this when he loses?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. You should’ve been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.
Leonard: You bumped the table and you know it.
Amy: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. We’ll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
Leonard: I’m going to my room.
Amy: Very good, Leonard. But next time, don’t tell us where you’re hiding.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Leonard: Did you guys see the paper in The American Physics Journal on supersolids? It’s pretty interesting. This guy’s working from a hypothesis where…
Raj: Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert.
Leonard: What?
Raj: Don’t ruin it for me, man. I printed out a PDF to read on the potty.
Howard: On the potty? What are you, five?
Raj: It’s a potty. What do you call it?
Howard: Toilet.
Raj: That’s a little vulgar for the dinner table, don’t you think?
Howard: Oh, and potty is okay?
Raj: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard: What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?
Raj: If I don’t have to boom-boom.
Sheldon: Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: Sure.
Howard: Nice to see you.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Sorry we’re late.
Amy: I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies.
Howard: Ah, ah.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: I believe she’s experiencing her menses.
Amy: Actually, I’m not. In order to avoid surprises, I wear them all the time.
Leonard: Ah, ah.
Howard: Okay. Toilet’s sounding pretty good now, huh?
Penny: Hey, look, it’s Shamy.
Amy: Shamy?
Sheldon: A juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon and Amy,  Shamy.
Amy: Oh. I don’t like that. Don’t do that.
Penny: All righty. What’s new?
Amy: Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don’t like that.
Penny: I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?
Amy: Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order?
Sheldon: I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.
Amy: Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.
Sheldon: It’s how they lure you in. I believe it’s called bait and switch.
Penny: Okay, I’m just gonna walk away, ’cause I don’t want to be here.
Leonard: So, this is nice. First time we’ve all gotten together to eat.
Amy: You’re right, he’s a festival of humdrum chitchat.
Leonard: Okay, that’s all I got. Howard, you’re up.
Howard: Um, tell us about your work, Amy.
Amy: I doubt you’d understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master’s degree.
Howard: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?
Amy: I’m curious as to why we’re not eating alone.
Sheldon: They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.
Scene: The stairwell.
 
Leonard: Listen, can I talk to you about your girlfriend?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance.
Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.
Leonard: Yeah, not my point.
Sheldon: I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.
Leonard: Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious.
Sheldon: So?
Leonard: So we already have you for all that.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?
Leonard: No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else.
Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.
Leonard: Suffered in silence?
Sheldon: Yes. And I’d thank you to do the same.
Leonard: Really? Silence?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: Ah. Nothing makes beer taste better than cool clear Rocky Mountain spring water. Where are the Rocky Mountains, anyway?
Howard: Philadelphia.
Raj: Really? I thought they were out West someplace.
Howard: Think about it, Raj. Where did the movie Rocky take place?
Raj: Philadelphia. Okay, now I get it.
Penny: So this is the plan? From now on, we’re just gonna hide out in here to avoid the Shamy?
Raj: I’m very comfortable here. Penny, dear, why don’t you shoot another silver bullet my way?
Penny: Get one yourself.
Raj: Ooh, somebody’s been taking bitchy pills.
Penny: God, he’s an ass when he drinks.
Howard: Oh, he’s an ass when he doesn’t. You just don’t hear it.
Leonard: I think we need to start entertaining the possibility that the Shamy could go on for years.
Raj: Well, if that’s the case, Penny will have to get satellite TV and maybe once a week run a vacuum through this place.
Penny: I thought you were going to talk to Sheldon.
Leonard: I did.
Penny: Well, what’d he say?
Leonard: Well, he pointed out that he kinda, sorta had to put up with you.
Penny: Kinda, sorta had to?
Leonard: I didn’t agree with him.
Penny: Well, you defended me, right?
Leonard: I tried, but (Penny starts rubbing her foot with a pumice stone) he made a fairly well-reasoned argument.
Howard: You’re not doing that right.
Penny: What?
Howard: Gimme.
Penny: No.
Howard: Trust me.
Penny: No!
Howard: I do this for my mom all the time. See? With the grain.
Penny: Wow, that is better.
Howard: And someday, when you have varicose veins, I’ll show you how to massage them.
Scene: The University Cafeteria.
Raj: Oh, God, never again.
Leonard: I assume by never again, you mean never again will you drink all of Penny’s beer, then run down to the gas station for a couple of 40s, a box of Slim Jims and the latest issue of Bombay Badonkadonks.
Raj: I was homesick.
Howard: The highlight of the evening was when you showed us your Bollywood break dancing skills. (Does a stereotyped impersonation of Bollywood dancing.)
Raj: That’s very offensive.
Howard: Yeah, we all thought so.
Leonard: Oh, no.
Howard: What?
Leonard: John and Yoko.
Howard: More like Yoko and Yoko.
Sheldon: Greetings.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.
Amy: It’s very impressive, for theoretical work.
Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension?
Amy: I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.
Leonard and Howard together: Oooh!
Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?
Amy: I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell.
Sheldon: You take that back.
Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so…
Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.
Amy: Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.
Sheldon: That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!
Amy: We appear to have reached an impasse.
Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.
Amy: Seconded.
Sheldon: There being no objections…
All: No, uh-uh.
Sheldon: The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Amy: Good day, Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses.
Sheldon: Amen to that.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: I hear you broke up with Amy.
Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.
Penny: Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing?
Sheldon: Regarding what?
Penny: Amy.
Sheldon: I don’t follow.
Penny: Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough.
Sheldon: Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.
Penny: Okay. Good.
Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a pussycat.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: I gotta tell you guys, I’m a little worried about Sheldon.
Howard: We’re all a little worried about Sheldon.
Leonard: No, I mean since the Shamy hit a reef.
Howard: Oh, I thought you were just making a generalization, you know, I’m worried about Sheldon someday setting off a low-yield nuclear device because the cafeteria ran out of lime Jell-O.
Raj: What does hit a reef mean?
Leonard: Uh, went splitsville.
Raj: Pardon?
Leonard: Turned to boom-boom.
Raj: Ah.
Leonard: I think Sheldon really misses Amy.
Howard: You should lend him your copy of Bombay Badonkadonks.
Leonard: He got a cat to keep him company.
Raj: You’re kidding.
Leonard: He takes it everywhere, to bed, to the bathroom.
Raj: He takes the kitty to the potty?
Howard: I thought we discussed the P-word.
Raj: Don’t try to change me, dude. I am what I am.
Sheldon: Oh, gentlemen.
Howard: Hey. Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend?
Sheldon: My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.
Howard: Hello.
Raj: Hi.
Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk.
Howard: Okay, I get it. We’re worried about Sheldon.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard arrives.
Leonard: Hey. (Turns to see Sheldon now has five cats) Oh, no.
Sheldon: Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.
Leonard: So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project?
Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.
Leonard: Zazzles?
Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.
Leonard: Okay, we need to talk.
Sheldon: About what?
Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
Sheldon: Clowder.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.
Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.
Leonard: Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup.
Sheldon: It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.
Leonard: Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell.
Sheldon: You didn’t break up, she dumped you.
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. It was mutual!
Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.
Sheldon: You don’t have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I’m already a fan. All right, fellas, who’s in the mood for Fancy Feast? Well, that’s not fancy at all.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Thanks for coming.
Mrs Cooper: Where is he?
Leonard: He’s in his bedroom.
Mrs Cooper: Now, when you said on the phone he broke up with a girl, you meant an actual girl, not something you kids whipped up in a lab?
Leonard: No, she’s real.
Mrs Cooper: Did they sin?
Leonard: No, no, it’s not like that. It’s, uh, I don’t know what it’s like. But there is something I should prepare you for.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.
Leonard: Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door)
Sheldon: Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.)
Leonard: Surprise.
Sheldon: Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.
Mrs Cooper: My, my, that’s a powerful smell.
Sheldon: I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…
Mrs Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Mrs Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy.
Sheldon: I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy.
Mrs Cooper: You should have called sooner.
Scene: The kitchen.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly! Dinner’s ready!
Sheldon: Coming!
Mrs Cooper: No cats!
Sheldon: Aw.(Enters to find Amy) What is she doing here?
Mrs Cooper: I called her.
Amy: Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious.
Sheldon: Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties.
Leonard (pretending to sneeze): 25 cats!
Mrs Cooper: Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk.
Sheldon: All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.
Mrs Cooper: Then stop talking.
Sheldon: Yes, ma’am.
Mrs Cooper: Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other.
Sheldon: That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I’m sorry, Shelly, I can’t see it.
Sheldon: Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.
Amy: Excellent point.
Sheldon: A physics point.
Amy: Touche.
Mrs Cooper: Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you.
Sheldon: Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.
Amy: I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you.
Sheldon: I’ll go as high as 40.
Amy: Sixty-five.
Sheldon: Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?
Amy: I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating.
Sheldon: Would you like to see my cats?
Amy: I would. I love cats. They’re the epitome of indifference.
Sheldon: Ah, then you may find Zazzles a little cloying.
Leonard: I saw what you did there.
Mrs Cooper: He thinks he’s such a smarty pants. He’s no different from any man. You tell ’em not to do something, that’s all they want to do. If I hadn’t told my brother Stumpy not to clear out the wood chipper by hand, we’d still be calling him Edward. Now, don’t you move. I’ll bring over all the food.
Leonard: No, no, no, I can do it.
Mrs Cooper: Well, isn’t that sweet?
Scene: Outside. Sheldon is sitting at a table with a sign reading “Cats $20”)
Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.
Amy: Next!
Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.
Amy: Next!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Raj: I’m telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.
Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.
Raj: Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.
Sheldon: You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.
Howard (laughs): I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.
Raj: Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data…
Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?
Penny: What’s up?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, no, no. He won. Suck it up.
Penny: Well, I’d ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn’t eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn’t tell me. Howard won’t order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard’s lactose intolerant, so he can’t eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can’t eat melon.
Penny: Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.
Leonard: When was the last time you saw her?
Howard: Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table).
Bernadette: Hi, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello. I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj: It’s one of his best moves.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard enters in a silk dressing gown, puts on romantic music and sets up mood lighting. Gets onto bed.
Howard: So, my dear, we meet again.
Katee Sackhoff: Hello, Howard. I’ve missed you.
Howard: I’ve missed you, Katee Sackhoff.
Katee Sackhoff: One question.
Howard: Anything.
Katee Sackhoff: Why am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed?
Howard: Why are you in bed with me? If we start to question this, it all falls apart.
Katee Sackhoff: Sorry. Oh, ravish me, Howard. My loins ache for you.
Howard: Okay, if you insist.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, have you seen my girdle?!
Howard: No, Ma!
Mrs Wolowitz: I can’t find it, and I’m late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard: Maybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone! Now, where were we?
Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
Howard: Bernadette? What are you doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Well, if I had to guess, I’d say I’m here because you saw me earlier this evening, and you’re still hung up on me.
Howard: No, I’m not.
Bernadette: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we’d be done by now.
Howard: Okay, I’m a little confused here.
George Takei: Oh, my. Can I help?
Howard: Not that kind of confused.
Bernadette: What’s George Takei doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
Howard: No, of course not.
George Takei: So you say. Yet, here I am.
Katee Sackhoff: George, let me ask you something. How did you deal with being typecast as a science fiction icon?
George Takei: It’s difficult. You try and stretch as an actor, do Strindberg, O’Neill, but all they want is, Course laid in, Captain.
Katee Sackhoff: Tell me about it. It’s frackin’ frustrating.
Howard: Wait. Katee, why are you leaving?
Bernadette: She’s leaving because you really want to be with me.
Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!
Howard: Great, Ma!
Mrs Wolowitz: I think it shrunk! I’m spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!
Howard: And with that mental picture, I think we’re done for the evening.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Leonard: You know, you never told me what happened between you and Bernadette.
Howard: I did a stupid thing.
Leonard: Yeah, I guessed that.
Howard: It was the kind of thing that makes it kind of hard to face her now.
Leonard: That covers anything from farting in bed to killing a homeless guy. Oh, my God. You ran over a hobo.
Howard: No. Stop asking.
Leonard: All right, fine. So you want to get back together with her, but you’re too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did.
Howard: In a nutshell.
Leonard: Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn’t know it’s you.
Howard: Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.
Raj: You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk?
Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.
Raj: You have a desk.
Sheldon: Correct.
Raj: But I can’t have one.
Sheldon: You’re two for two.
Leonard: Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.
Raj: Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: Okay, what if he buys his own desk?
Raj: Yeah, what if I buy my own desk?
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Because…
Raj: Yes?
Sheldon: It’s my office.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.
Raj: And I can put it in your office?
Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?
Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is gathering laundry.
Penny (picking up a top and sniffing it): Ah, it’s okay.
Sheldon (voice): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny opens door. Howard is stood outside with a hand-held voice recorder.) Penny?
Howard: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.
Howard: I just have a question. Does Bernadette ever talk about me?
Penny: Oh, absolutely.
Howard: She does?
Penny: Yeah, sure. Just yesterday, she asked, why is Howard hiding under the table?
Howard: She saw that, huh?
Penny: Oh, no, not at first. Right after I pointed it out.
Howard: Let me ask you something else. Is she seeing anybody?
Penny: Uh, not that I know of. Hey, while we’re on the subject, why did you guys break up anyway?
Howard: Oh, I’d rather not say.
Penny: Howard, if you want my help, I’ve got to know what happened.
Howard: But it’s embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that’s what I’m counting on. Spill.
Howard: Okay. Well, you know World of Warcraft?
Penny: Um, the online game? Sure.
Howard: Well, did you know that the characters in the game can have sex with each other?
Penny: Oh, God. I think I see where this is going.
Howard: Her name was Glissinda the Troll. Bernadette walked in on me while we were doing the cyber-nasty under the Bridge of Souls.
Penny: Oh, you’re right. That is so embarrassing.
Howard: Would you talk to her?
Penny: Bernadette or the troll?
Howard: Bernadette. She was so mad at me, she wouldn’t even listen to my side of the story.
Penny: Well, what was your side?
Howard: Well, for all we know, Glissinda the Troll wasn’t even a real woman. I mean, she could’ve been a 50-year-old truck driver in New Jersey.
Penny: Really? And that didn’t make her feel better?
Howard: Will you talk to her, see if there’s any chance at all we could get back together?
Penny: Oh, gee, Howard, I really don’t want to get in the middle of this.
Howard: No. Why would you? I’m just another lonely nerd, living with his mother, trying to find any scrap of happiness he can. You know, maybe to make up for the fact that his dad left him when he was 11.
Penny: Okay, I will think about it.
Howard: You know, I’ve always blamed myself for him leaving. I always thought it was because I wasn’t the son he wanted.
Penny: Yeah, I said I’d think about it.
Howard: I wasn’t athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly.
Penny: Okay, fine. Look, look, I’m calling her now! See?
Howard: Thank you.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Leonard: So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.
Sheldon: One question.
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Why on earth are you telling me all this?
Leonard: I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy.
(Sheldon opens his office door. It bangs against a desk. Inside, Raj is sat behind a huge, ornate antique wooden desk in an enormous antique swivel chair.)
Raj: You said I could buy a desk.
Sheldon: This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.
Raj: Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk?
Sheldon: It’s actually British.
Raj: Can you say it again for me?
Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.
Raj: One more time?
Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.
Raj: Now three times fast?
Sheldon: Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?
Raj: That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.
Sheldon: All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day.
Sheldon: All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.
Raj: Knock yourself out.
Sheldon: Help me move my desk.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No. It’s too Brobdingnagian.
Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.
Raj: Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on.
Sheldon: All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat.
Raj: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Raj: No. See what I did there? I turned it around.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Bernadette: Sorry, I had to clock out.
Howard: Oh, no, that’s okay. How have you been?
Bernadette: Okay. You know, busy, school, work. You?
Howard: Same. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I’m terrified of the ocean.
Bernadette: Too bad.
Howard: You wouldn’t know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit, boy’s large? Yeah, forget it. Not important. So, are you seeing anyone?
Bernadette: Well, to be honest, I…
Penny: Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you something to drink?
Howard: Not for me, thanks.
Bernadette: I’m okay.
Penny: Are you gonna want to order food?
Howard: Maybe later.
Penny: Okay.
Howard: So, are you seeing anybody?
Bernadette: No.
Penny: That’s what I told him when he asked me. I hope that’s not out of line.
Bernadette: No, it’s fine.
Howard: Penny, can we have a little privacy?
Penny: Oh. I’m sorry.
Bernadette: What about you, have you been seeing anybody?
Howard: Well, you know how it is with guys. I mean, we have needs and…
Bernadette: So you’ve been seeing other girls?
Howard: Well, not real girls.
Bernadette: Does that mean slutty trolls?
Penny: You know, you look thirsty. I brought you some iced tea.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Penny: It’s passion fruit, new on the menu.
Bernadette: I know. I work here.
Penny: Oh, sorry. Yeah, you’re right. Doy. So, Howard, trolls, yay or nay?
Howard: Isn’t there somewhere else you can be?
Penny: Not where I can hear you guys.
Howard: Okay, fine. I’ll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the Internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones. But the only reason I go there, the only reason I’ve ever gone there is because I don’t have a real woman in my life. You happy?
Penny: Yeah, that’ll hold me for a while.
Bernadette: Howard, you did have a real woman. I was right there in the next room while you were clicking that troll’s brains out.
Howard: Yeah, but we weren’t, I-I mean, you and I never…
Bernadette: Had sex?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Well, whose fault was that?
Penny: Complimentary nachos! You enjoy. Never had sex? Wow.
Howard: What do you mean, whose fault was that?
Bernadette: Well, we could’ve been having sex, but you never made the move.
Howard: I didn’t think you wanted me to make the move.
Bernadette: Howard, a girl doesn’t go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter and your tight hoochie pants if she’s not expecting him to eventually make the move.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Really.
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Penny: Hey, this is a little awkward, but my manager says I can’t actually give nachos away. So, just take that when you’re ready.
Scene: University corridor.
Howard: Yeah, we had a really great talk, and we’re gonna start seeing each other again.
Leonard: Oh, congratulations. Have you broken it to the troll yet?
Howard: Did Penny tell you about that?
Leonard: No. Steve Patterson told me.
Howard: The greasy old fat guy in Facilities Management?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: How’d he know about it?
Leonard: He’s Glissinda the troll.
Raj (voice): Sorry, dude, the thermostat’s on my side of the room, so it stays Mumbai hot in here until you turn off that stupid Indian music!
Sheldon (voice): I’ll turn off the music when you get rid of that salmonella-ridden parakeet!
Raj (voice): Oh, too bad! Sheldon’s pathologically afraid of birds! Hey, look, Sheldon! Birdie, birdie, birdie!
Sheldon (voice): That’s it! Prepare for marshmallow death!
Raj (voice): Eat flaming Nerf! (Imitates gunfire)
Leonard: So anyway, that’s great news about you and Bernadette.
Howard: Yeah. I think I’m gonna take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Ah. Well, I guess for you guys that’s like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes? Really? You’re, like, a quarter of an inch taller than me.
Leonard: Yeah, and don’t you forget it.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: I had a good time.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Katee Sackhoff: Kiss her good night. All right, now a little tongue.
George Takei: Hold on there. We’ve only just rekindled the romance. Let’s not sully the moment with the exchange of saliva.
Katee Sackhoff: Don’t listen to him. She wants it. Tongue. Luh-luh-luh-luh-luh. See? Now make the move.
George Takei: Mm-mmm. Too soon.
Katee Sackhoff: Trust me, she’s ready. Make the move.
George Takei: No, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed, courted slowly.
Katee Sackhoff: How would you know?
George Takei: I read.
Katee Sackhoff: Listen to me, Howard, it’s time. Make the move, now.
Bernadette: Mm! What are you doing?
Howard: You said, well, the move, remember?
Bernadette: Oh, not now. We’re starting a new relationship. I need to get to know you again.
Howard: No, you don’t. It’s me. The lusty charmer with the fancy patter and the hoochie pants.
Bernadette: Be patient, we’ll get there.
George Takei: Told you.
Scene: University corridor.
Leonard: Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo!
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.
Raj: It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out.
Raj: Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.
Leonard: Didn’t you say you’re making hydrogen sulphide gas?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Isn’t that flammable?
Sheldon: Highly. Oh, dear. (Explosion)
Raj: This is not over.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.
Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.
Leonard: So what’s going on with you two?
Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.
Leonard: Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.
Leonard: No, no. Maybe a little.
Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.
Leonard: Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of?
Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.
Leonard: Oh, right. That.
Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.
Leonard: I’m not jealous.
Sheldon: Hu-u-urgh! Leonard not jealous.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.
Leonard: Probably. What’s your point?
Sheldon: No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard: Hmm, recently? Not much.
Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard: Um, shut up.
Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.
Leonard: That sounds lovely.
Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre.
Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.
Leonard: Fine. If I don’t meet someone soon, you can put me in a home.
Sheldon: It’s not a home. It’s a senior centre.  We’d never put Meemaw in a home!
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll bow to social pressure. Hey!
Howard (phone rings): Excuse me. That’s my girlfriend, Bernadette. I assigned her her own ringtone, Bernadette by The Four Tops. Hello, Bernadette.
Raj: When I call him, his phone plays Brown Eyed Girl. Which, now that I think about it, is not so good.
Leonard: You realize he’s just rubbing our noses in the fact that he has a girlfriend, and we don’t.
Rai: You mean, you don’t.
Leonard: You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can’t even speak to women.
Raj: Two words, deaf chick. It doesn’t matter if I can’t talk, because she can’t hear me.
Leonard: What?
Raj: That’s what she said.
Leonard: Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl…
Sheldon: No, no, no, no!
Leonard: …who’s a friend.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: What about you, Stuart? You have a girlfriend yet?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I met her at Comic-Con, the one place in the world where saying I own a comic bookstore is an actual pickup line.
Leonard: Oh. Well, good for you.
Stuart: Not really. She’s horrible. When she wants to have sex, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?
Leonard: Why don’t you just break up with her?
Stuart: No, no, I can’t.
Leonard: Why not?
Stuart: ‘Cause then I’d be alone, like you.
Raj: Dude, why don’t you just invoke your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz?
Leonard: Because I don’t need his girlfriend to set me up with one of her girlfriends. I’m perfectly capable of finding a girl on my own.
Raj: Oh, Leonard, you remind me of the funny old story about a man who walks into a women’s correctional institution with a stack of paperwork that will allow the female convicts to go free.
Leonard: You’re saying I couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons.
Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is stretched face down on the sofa.
Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.
Amy (on webcam): May I offer an observation?
Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here?
Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.
Leonard: That was two hours ago.
Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.
Amy: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation.
Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?
Leonard: No, I’m not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar.
Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?
Leonard: Right.
Amy: That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example.
Sheldon: Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?
Leonard (exiting the apartment): Keep going. I’m listening.
Amy: That was rude.
Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.
Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word.
Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.
Amy: Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.
Amy: Wait. I have a request.
Sheldon: Yes?
Amy: I’d like you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?
Amy: Certainly. Good night.
Sheldon: Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,
Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah, what?
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: What does that mean?
Leonard: Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend?
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You can’t say that anymore.
Sheldon: Wait. What?
Leonard: Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.
Sheldon: I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!
Leonard: Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it?
Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.
Leonard: That is insane.
Sheldon: You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.
Leonard: Okay, good luck.
Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do?
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed.
Leonard: There you go.
Sheldon: Amy’s right. He is tedious.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. Leonard rings bell.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, get the door!
Howard (off): Why can’t you get it?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You know I’m doing a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy! I’m like an upside-down volcano here.
Howard: Oh, hey. I hope you didn’t hear that.
Leonard: The volcano thing? No.
Howard: What’s with the T-shirt? You working at the Apple store now?
Leonard: No, it’s just something I threw on.
Howard: I know all your shirts. That’s not one of them. You were pretending to work at the Genius Bar to pick up women, weren’t you?
Leonard: Yeah. Turns out, they guard the iPods, but they don’t guard the shirts.
Howard: So, how’d it go?
Leonard: It was going well. I was showing this super hot girl how to boot up in Safe Mode. The manager got suspicious, and, well, long story short, they really do have a little jail in the mall.
Howard: Just FYI, don’t try to go back with a fake moustache. I mean, they may not really be geniuses, but they see right through that.
Leonard: I want to invoke the girlfriend pact, Howard.
Howard: You that desperate?
Leonard: No, I just, I want what you have. You know, I want a woman in my life.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Holy Moses, how much liquid can be in one tukus?
Leonard: To be clear, I meant like Bernadette, not your mother.
Howard: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Well, I’m off to meet Bernadette’s friend. How do I look?
Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.
Leonard: What are you working on?
Sheldon: I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Ah, you’re going off the grid.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Leonard: The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.
Sheldon: Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.
Leonard: What if she just comes over?
Sheldon: She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.
Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
Sheldon: Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.
Leonard (there is a knock on the door): Who is it?
Amy (off): Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: Darn! She found me!
Leonard: She’s been here before.
Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.
Leonard: What do you want to do?
Sheldon: Tell her I’m not here.
Leonard: Okay, where are you?
Sheldon: I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details.
Leonard: Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.
Amy: All right. (Leaves)
Sheldon: Way to go on the details.
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Oh, I take pacts very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit we crossed Ebola with the common cold.
Howard: Why the hell would you cross Ebola with the common cold?
Bernadette: We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible thing.
Girl (arriving): Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at the gym. Spin class. Worked up quite a sweat.
Bernadette: Joy, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is Joy.
Leonard: Hi.
Joy: Hi. You don’t look like a genius. Go ahead, say something smart.
Leonard: Uh…
Joy: Aah! Time’s up. Just kidding. First thing you need to know about me, I’m hilarious.
Leonard: Yeah. So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from self-defence classes?
Joy: Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga. Lots of fun. Basically, a hundred different ways to rip a guy’s nuts off.
Leonard: Wow. Wouldn’t think there’d be that many.
Joy: Number 42!
Leonard: Whoa!
Bernadette: Isn’t she a pip?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon (rhythmically, while walking down the stairs): Proxima Centauri’s the nearest star. The celestial bodies that follow are Alpha Centauri A, Toli, Barnard’s Star, Wolf 359, Lalande 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B, BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154, Ross 248, Epsilon Eridani, Lac-9352, Ross 128, Procyon A, oh, darn, that’s wrong! (Heads back up stairs) EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, Procyon A. Those are the stars that are nearest to me. Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee. (Sees Amy standing in lobby) Oh, dear. They really do be crazy.
Scene: The restaurant.
Joy (burping): This lobster’s good on the way down and the way up.
Leonard: Should be, it’s thirty dollars a pound.
Joy: Hey, this is a date, right?
Leonard: Yep, it is.
Joy: 73!
Leonard: Whoa!
Joy: Excuse me, I have to go to the little girls’ room and take a wicked whiz.
Bernadette: I’ll go with you.
Joy: Fair warning, I had the asparagus. My pee is gonna stink up the place.
Howard: I think she likes you.
Scene: The stairwell. Amy is sitting on the bottom step.
Sheldon (wearing a heavy coat and false nose and glasses): EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, excuse me, madam.
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Rats!
Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Amy: In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship.
Sheldon: So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?
Amy: Precisely.
Sheldon: And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?
Amy: Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status.
Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?
Amy: Sheldon, please, you’re suffocating me.
Sheldon: My apologies. Good night, Amy.
Amy: Good night, Sheldon.
Scene: The restaurant.
Howard: Come on, just give her a chance. Maybe she’ll grow on you.
Leonard: Or maybe she’ll finally succeed in ripping my nuts off. There are still 93 ways she hasn’t tried yet. Look, Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is, like, the worst date of my life.
Howard: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on J-Date, and that didn’t even crack my top ten.
Leonard: I guess the difference is, I have some self-respect.
Howard: Not that I’ve ever seen.
Leonard: It’s relatively new. I just know that I’m not gonna spend time with someone I don’t like simply to have a girlfriend. I’m okay on my own.
Joy: Good news, I made lots of room for dessert.
Leonard: Look, uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but…
Joy: Yeah, you, too. Hey, you got anything for next weekend? I need a date for my cousin’s wedding.
Leonard: You’re asking me out?
Joy: Yeah. And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away.
Leonard: I look forward to it.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Fowler (on webcam): It’s nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Mrs Fowler: What?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
Mrs Fowler: Amy, what is he saying?
Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.
Mrs Fowler: Oh!
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon, that went very well.
Sheldon: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Gagh!
Leonard: Problem?
Howard: This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker.
Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.
Raj: Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.
Priya: Oh, Sheldon. You haven’t changed a bit, have you?
Sheldon: Why would I change?
Leonard: The hope has been that you’d eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA?
Priya: I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.
Raj: Can you believe it? Little Priya’s one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.
Sheldon: Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it’s actually extremely plausible.
Leonard: And your poll numbers just keep dropping.
Priya: I want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo.
Leonard: I’m going too, I’ll show you where it is.
Raj: Alright, this goes without saying, but I’m just going to say it anyway. Hands off my sister.
Sheldon: Why would I touch her, she’s covered with airplane germs.
Raj: I’m so not talking to you. I’m talking to him.
Howard: Hey, I’ve got a girlfriend now.
Raj: Oh please. My sister’s much hotter than your girlfriend and you know it.
Howard: Let’s just agree they’re both hot.
Raj: Dude, that’s my sister you’re talking about.
Howard: Okay, forget who’s hotter. The first time Priya came to LA, Leonard and I made a pact out of respect to our friendship, and to you, that neither of us would hit on her.
Raj: Did you pinky swear?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Okay then.
Sheldon: Cobbler. I’m still laughing.
Scene: A corridor.
 
Priya: It’s really nice to see you again Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah. It’s good to see you too. Here you go.
Priya: Thanks. (Grabs him and kisses him.)
Leonard: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. (Looks around.) Okay.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The cafeteria.
 
Howard: So, you got any special plans with your sister?
Raj: Oh, not really, just hang out.
Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.
Raj: Train day?
Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
Raj: I don’t think we’re going to do that.
Sheldon: Well then apparently, you hate fun.
Leonard: Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?
Raj: Uh, my plans with Priya.
Sheldon: He rejected train day.
Leonard: Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands?
Sheldon: Abundantly.
Leonard: I guess he just hates fun.
Sheldon: That’s what I said.
Priya: Okay, so, what’s new with you guys.
Howard: I have a girlfriend now.
Priya: Hey, good for you.
Howard: Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods).
 
Leonard: So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here.
Priya: I don’t know, I just have the one day.
Sheldon: Do you like trains?
Priya: Not particularly.
Sheldon: You might as well just wait at the airport for your flight.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on his laptop.
 
Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It’s locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.
Leonard: It’s getting pretty late, how come you’re still up?
Sheldon: I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.
Leonard: That’s pretty cool.
Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.
Leonard: You’ve really got to get out more.
Sheldon: Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me.
Priya (at door): Raj finally went to bed.
Leonard: Yeah, well, (kissing her) Sheldon’s still up.
Priya: You said he goes to bed at nine.
Leonard: Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and…
Sheldon: Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll.
Priya: Can’t you get rid of him?
Leonard: If the past is any indication, no.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.
Leonard: Drop axe.
Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant.
Leonard: Give me a minute. Sheldon,
Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to work in the morning.
Sheldon: I know.
Leonard: Well then, bed mister.
Sheldon: Five more minutes.
Leonard: Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.
Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.
Leonard: You don’t want that, do you?
Sheldon: No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?
Leonard: Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.
Sheldon: That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.
Leonard: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work.
Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.
Leonard: Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.
Leonard (to Priya): We’re going to have to be very quiet.
Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I’ll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: You’re right, you’re lost, good luck.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Morning.
 
Priya: Oh! Leonard, wake up.
Leonard: Huh! Sorry!
Priya: For what?
Leonard: I don’t know. When I’m in bed with a girl, it’s just, it’s my go to response.
Priya: It’s six o’ clock, I have to get back to Raj’s before he wakes up and realises I’m gone.
Leonard: Oh, right, sure. I wish you could stay in LA a while longer.
Priya: Mmm. Me too.
Leonard: You know, I was thinking, there are some great research facilities in India.
Priya: Where are you going with this, Leonard?
Leonard: Well, I’m just saying, I don’t have any real ties here, so if I were to move to New Delhi we could, you know, go out.
Priya: Leonard, didn’t we have this conversation five years ago.
Leonard: Well, yes, but, things have changed, you know, you’re older, I’m older. Look, no more superhero bedsheets.
Priya: Sweetheart, just because we have fun when I come to town doesn’t mean I want to have a serious relationship.
Leonard: It doesn’t?
Priya: Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They’d have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India.
Leonard: I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.
Priya: Aha, you’re funny.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing.
Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.
Leonard: Air freshener.
Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.
Leonard: Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash.
Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great.
Sheldon: Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.
Leonard: Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go.
Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream?
Leonard: Uh, cream.
Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent?
Leonard: Without.
Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.
Leonard: Fine. With.
Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength.
Leonard: Use your best judgement.
Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.
Leonard: Sounds great.
Sheldon: Excellent choice.
Leonard (whispering): Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.)
 
Sheldon: Priya?
Priya: Good morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
 
Leonard: Making pretty good time, huh?
Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: What do you want to talk about?
Leonard: Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister.
Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks?
Leonard: No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister.
Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?
Leonard: Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj.
Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.
Leonard: Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard.
Sheldon: And Raj.
Leonard: Alright, and Raj.
Sheldon: And me.
Leonard: You?
Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.
Leonard: Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena.
Sheldon: You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.
Leonard: My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.
Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: You know I can’t keep a secret.
Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right?
Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?
Leonard: Because, well, Batman has the secret.
Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too.
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I’ve now just told to Batman. See, I can’t keep a secret.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
 
Sheldon: Ta-da!
Leonard: What.
Sheldon: Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da!
Leonard: Kind of busy here, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I know, that’s why I shortened it.
Leonard: What do you want.
Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night.
Leonard: What alibi?
Sheldon: You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.
Leonard: Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with?
Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.
Leonard (reading a napkin Sheldon has handed him): Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.
Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.
Mechanical voice on Sheldon’s phone: Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.
Sheldon: It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.
Leonard: Where did you get that?
Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.
Leonard: An orang-u-tan?
Sheldon: Well, no-one’s going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t need an alibi. Nobody’s going to ask about last night as long as you just zip your lip. (Sheldon makes lip zipping movement.) Thankyou. Now don’t worry, everything is going to be fine. (Sheldon writes “I doubt it” on Leonard’s whiteboard.
 
Scene: The cafeteria.
 
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Hey, Leonard, will you please tell Howard my sister’s never been attracted to him.
Leonard: C’mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she’s attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future.
Sheldon: And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya’s preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.
Raj: Hey, so what did you guys think of the new episode of Caprica last night?
Leonard: I didn’t see it.
Howard: Didn’t see it? What were you doing?
Leonard: Uh, I was out.
Raj: On Caprica night?
Leonard: Yeah, I, uh, went for a drink.
Howard: Really, you, and where, where did you go?
Leonard: To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?
Leonard: As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it.
Sheldon: Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.
Leonard: Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.
Sheldon: Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.
Raj: What were you doing with Priya?
Sheldon: I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?
Raj: What? You slept with my sister?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: How could you? We had a pact!
Raj: Excuse me, I think how could you she’s my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear!
Sheldon: May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.
Leonard: Look, I admit it, I may have crossed a line here, but come on, Raj, your sister is a grown woman. To her, I’m a forbidden piece of white chocolate.
Raj: I… I don’t believe it, this is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
Leonard: No, no, no, would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and she kind of stomped on it.
Raj: How hard did she stomp?
Leonard: Very hard.
Raj: Okay, I’m good.
Howard: Yeah, well, Raj, I just want to say that I’d never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Mmm.
Leonard: Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj: Dude! I put that thing on my face!
Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Howard: Hey, I didn’t see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker.
Raj: That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped!
Howard: And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food.
Sheldon: Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.
Leonard: You put moths in my food?
Sheldon: For science.
Raj: I can’t believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.
Leonard: Well, uh, I can’t believe you used Sheldon’s toothbrush.
Sheldon: You used my toothbrush?
Raj: Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
Leonard: Okay, I, I, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all done some things we’re not particularly proud of. But come on, we’re friends. Friends overlook each other’s minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I’m sorry that I broke our pact.
Howard: Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.
Raj: As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush.
Sheldon: And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.
Raj: I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving.
Sheldon: With real puffing smoke?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Alright. But I’m watching you.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making snowcones.
 
Leonard: Hey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snowcone?
Sheldon: Well, sure.
Leonard: These are pretty god, what flavour is this?
Sheldon: Guess.
Leonard: Papaya?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Guava?
Sheldon: You’re so close.
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Mango, caterpillar. What are you doing? You said you liked it!
Scene: The University Cafeteria.
Leonard: No, seriously, I think I’ve finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women?
Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.
Leonard: My problem is, I don’t project confidence. So I decided that the next time I meet a woman I think is attractive, rather than holding back and being cautious, I’m going to assume the mantle of self-assurance.
Raj: Oh, yeah? What’s that look like?
Leonard: Hi. I’m Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget.
Raj: Where are we going?
Howard: Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite.
Sheldon: Excuse me. If we’re changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.
Leonard: Congratulations Howard.
Howard: Thanks. Listen, I have to get a security clearance, so you guys might be hearing from the FBI.
Raj: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don’t want to speak to the FBI.
Leonard: Why not?
Raj: I’m brown and I talk funny.
Howard: They’re just doing a background check on me.
Raj: It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive.
Leonard: Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.
Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?
Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj is reading New Moon.
Raj: Oh, Bella, don’t you see? Edward’s only pushing you away because he loves you. (Knock on door) Coming.
Woman at Door: Dr. Koothrappali? (Raj nods) I’m Special Agent Page, FBI. May I come in? (Nods again) I’d like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz. (Indicates sofa) Oh, thank you. All right. Well, how long have you known Mr. Wolowitz?
Raj (Holds up finger to indicate he will be right back. Runs to kitchen. Tries to drink wine but bottle is empty. Looks in fridge and finds rum cake. Comes back stuffing a piece in his mouth): Rum cake?
Page: No, thanks. Now, about Mr. Wolowitz.
Raj: Seven years.
Page: I see.
Raj: I’m in this country legally, you know.
Page: I’m sure you are. Now, to your knowledge, has Mr. Wolowitz ever committed a crime?
Raj: Of course not. I’m here on an H-1B visa, which means I can’t be associated in any way with crime or criminal activity. And I’m not.
Page: Good. To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz have any foreign contacts?
Raj: No, just me. Oh, there it is. Here comes a cavity search.
Page: Excuse me?
Raj: Please don’t send me back to India, it’s so crowded. It’s like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con, except everybody’s wearing the same costume, Indian Guy.
Page: Dr. Koothrappali, I’m not…
Raj: I love this country! The-the baseball, the freedom, the rampant morbid obesity! From California to the New York Island, I’m a real Yankee Doodle boy!
Page: Dr. Koothrappali, please.
Raj: My country ’tis of thee, duh duh duh liberty, It’s really great.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Leonard: So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, I was expecting Mulder. Glad to see I got Scully.
Page: Who?
Leonard: Mulder and Scully. X-Files. The truth is out there. Never mind. Uh, so, what would you like to know?
Page: You work with Mr. Wolowitz here at the university, correct?
Leonard: Yes. Of course, we’re in different departments. He’s an engineer and I’m an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, Hello, maker of the universe, I see what you did there. Good one.
Page: Right. Now, how would you characterize your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz?
Leonard: Good. It’s a good relationship. Of course, most of my relationships are good. Probably because I exude confidence. People are drawn to that, you know? Confidence, not exuding.
Page: Do you know of any groups Mr. Wolowitz is a member of?
Leonard: You are beautiful, you know that? You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget.
Page: Sounds great.
Leonard: Really?
Page: Yeah. Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us?
Leonard: Is that, oh, my, I didn’t see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I’m starting to exude.
Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard: Want to get that?
Sheldon: Not particularly.
Leonard: Could you get that?
Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.
Leonard: Would you please get that?
Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?
Page: Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: Yes.
Page: I’m Special Agent Page, FBI.
Sheldon: You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.
Page: Here’s my I.D.
Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.
Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.
Page: Thank you.
Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?
Page: Fidelity, bravery, integrity?
Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?
Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.
Sheldon: That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.
Page: Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?
Sheldon: A little, but go on.
Page: Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible?
Sheldon: I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?
Page: That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in.
Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right?
Page: I did.
Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?
Page: I’m afraid not. Is there anything else?
Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.
Page: The Mars Rover?
Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?
Page: You did.
Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.
Page: Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway.
Sheldon: I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.
Page: Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need.
Sheldon: Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, buddies. Guess who didn’t get security clearance to work on the giant space laser?
Leonard: What happened?
Howard: Apparently, the background interviews didn’t go well. You guys wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?
Raj: Well, actually, I may have gotten a little tipsy when I talked to her.
Leonard: And I may have hit on her a little bit.
Raj: I may have thrown up rum cake on her shoes.
Howard: I see. Well, it’s good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.
Leonard: I feel awful.
Raj: Ah, me, too.
Leonard: To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What are you doing up?
Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.
Sheldon: Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?
Leonard: I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep?
Sheldon: Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.
Leonard: Did something happen today that’s bothering you?
Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: But why should that keep me up?
Leonard: Because you feel guilty?
Sheldon: Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.
Leonard: Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now.
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Leonard: You’re having a guilt-ridden dream.
Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?
Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch?
Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.
Scene: Agent Page’s Office.
Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.
Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Yes.
Page: Was your statement untrue?
Sheldon: No.
Page: Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.
Page: Is there anything else?
Sheldon: Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…
Page: I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed.
Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.
Page: It’s closed.
Sheldon: I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.
Page: This is Leonard Hofstadter?
Sheldon: No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard?
Raj: I think he’s eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.
Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.
Dr Tyson: But I actually didn’t demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.
Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.
Dr Tyson: Is that the guy you were telling me about?
Raj: Oh, yeah.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.
Howard: You?
Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.
Howard: And they were okay with that?
Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.
Howard: Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry?
Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.
Howard: Your apology is not accepted.
Sheldon: You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it?
Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.
Dr Tyson: Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter.
Sheldon: Oh, shut up.
Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.
Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.
Sheldon: I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you?
Sheldon: Alcohol.
Penny: Could you be a little more specific?
Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.
Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres.
Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.
Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters?
Sheldon: More or less.
Penny: Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we?
Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.
Penny: A what?
Sheldon: You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…
Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky.
Sheldon: That’s not how it looks in the picture.
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try.
Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.
Penny: All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind?
Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.
Penny: Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.
Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?
Penny: I drink.
Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.
Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend.
Sheldon: I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.
Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win.
Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.
Penny: Kirk cheated.
Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.
Penny: Right there with you.
Sheldon: Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I’ll reprogram Howard.
Penny: What? Sheldon, you can’t reprogram people.
Sheldon: No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Hello, all.
Raj: Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?
Howard: Not really.
Sheldon: Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.
Howard: Oh. Go away, Sheldon.
Sheldon: There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.
Raj: What’s in the bag?
Sheldon: It’s for Howard.
Howard: Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts.
Sheldon: Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.
Howard: You’re giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.
Howard: But you love that spot.
Sheldon: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours.
Raj: Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.
Howard: All right. Apology accepted.
Sheldon: High five. Not too hard. Thank you.
Raj: I haven’t cried like this since Toy Story 3.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there’s no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to…
Sheldon: I changed my mind. Get out of my spot.
Penny: How long?
Leonard: 94 seconds.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, help me out here. How does an archaeology professor get that good with a whip?
Howard: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That’s how I learned.
Leonard: I can’t believe you’ve never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Penny: And I can’t believe you’ve never read Eat, Pray, Love.
Leonard: When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.
Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon: That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.
Leonard: Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
Sheldon: There’s no switch. Just listen and learn.
Howard: Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.
Penny: Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday?
Sheldon: Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.
Penny: What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!
Leonard: Exactly. They say it finally solves the submarine controversy.
Sheldon: Did Leonard? I’m no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I’m eight for 26 this month.
Penny: Yeah, I think I’ll pass. But you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard: Bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we’d still be together.
Penny: Mm, yeah, no, we wouldn’t.
Howard: Uh-huh. I’m guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?
Leonard: Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight.
Sheldon: Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.
Howard: You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.
Sheldon: See? Howard’s on my side.
Howard: Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you.
Sheldon: Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.
Leonard: Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine.
Sheldon: What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?
Leonard: Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.
Sheldon: But how were our seats?
Leonard: Excellent.
Sheldon: I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?
Amy: Actually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I’ll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.
Sheldon: Shrewd.
Amy: Leonard, you’re right. We should enjoy our meal, arrive late, and risk winding up with terrible seats, assuming we get in at all.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy.
Amy: See? It’s working.
Bernadette: Knock-knock.
Howard: Who’s there?
Bernadette: Olive.
Howard: Olive you, too.
Leonard: Guys, that’s really starting to get old.
Howard: Knock-knock.
Leonard: Who’s there?
Howard: I have a girlfriend and you don’t.
Leonard: Hysterical!
Sheldon: Wait, now, we don’t know that yet. He isn’t finished. I have a girlfriend and you don’t who?
Howard: So. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us to Raiders?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab. Besides, Penny and I are having a girls’ night tonight.
Amy: Girls’ night? What does that entail?
Bernadette: Oh, you know, girls get together, hang out, share girl talk.
Amy: I’m a girl.
Bernadette: Oh. Well, maybe you can join us. I’ll ask Penny.
Amy: No need. Penny and I are very close.
Bernadette: You are?
Amy: Yes. In fact, our menses are synchronized. Penny. Bernadette tells me you’re planning a girls’ night.
Penny: Yeah?
Amy: I’m a girl.
Penny: Oh. Um, it was, it was just going to be me and Bernadette. Besides, I thought you were going to the movies with Sheldon and the guys.
Amy: Yes, but they’re not girls. I’m a girl.
Penny: Yeah, no, no, I-I-I got that.
Amy: What’s the dress code?
Penny: Uh, just wear something comfortable.
Amy: All right. I’ll have to go shopping.
Sheldon: Knock-knock.
Leonard: Who‘s there?
Sheldon: Hugh.
Leonard: Hugh who?
Sheldon: Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.
Scene: The movie theatre. The line is incredibly long.
Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.
Howard: Ooh. Can’t wait for that to start.
Sheldon: I informed you thusly.
Raj: Eight for 28.
Sheldon: This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.
Raj: Well I earned it, dude, I ate all my broccoli.
Sheldon: And here’s where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.
Leonard: So I guess it’s a good thing we stopped for dinner.
Raj: You know, guys, when facing disappointment, Eat, Pray, Love teaches us–
Howard: Oh, shut up.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: So anyway, to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.
Penny: You know Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn’t just have to be about our lady parts.
Amy: Shame. ‘Cause I have a real zinger about my titled uterus.
Bernadette: Penny, your nails look great.
Penny: Oh, thanks. I found this place in Alhambra. It’s in a woman’s basement. I think it’s a front
for human trafficking, but they do a really good job.
Amy: A colleague of mine did her graduate thesis on the fungus that grows on improperly sterilized manicure implements. Well don’t tell me that’s not girl talk.
Penny: So where should we go tonight? A bar? A club? A movie?
Bernadette: Or we could just stay here.
Amy: Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever. Or BFF, if you prefer. Which I don’t.
Penny: All right, time to open Bachelor Number Two.
Bernadette: Gee, I don’t know if I should drink more. I have to drive home, and I’ve got enough trouble seeing over the dashboard as it is.
Penny: That’s okay. Y ou can just sleep here.
Amy: Oh, good, a slumber party! We’ll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!
Penny: Oh, gosh, Amy. I don’t know if I would call this an actual slumber party.
Amy: Well, that’s disappointing. I’ve always wanted to be invited to a slumber party.
Bernadette: Oh, you never were?
Penny: Not even when you were a kid?
Amy: Well, there was the time I had my tonsils out, and I shared a room with a little Vietnamese girl. She didn’t make it through the night, but up till then, it was kind of fun.
Penny: Okay. Well, I guess we’re having a slumber party. Oh!
Amy: Pillow fight!
Scene: The movie line.
Leonard: Oh, I hope they let us in soon. I’m tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time. It’s a vicious circle.
Howard: Too bad you don’t have a stadium pal like me.
Leonard: What’s a stadium pal?
Howard: Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.
Raj: Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats.
Sheldon: What did he say?
Leonard: Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap.
Sheldon: We might not get seats?
Leonard: It’s fine, it’s fine. Go back to sleep.
Sheldon: Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly.
Leonard: Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?
Wil Wheaton: Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies!
Sheldon: Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.
Wil: Mee-sa think that very funny.
Sheldon: Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Theatre Staff: Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Yeah.
Theatre Staff: I’m a big fan.
Sheldon: Of what? Poorly executed beards?
Wil: Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late.
Theatre Staff: No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.
Wil: Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye.
Sheldon: This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.
Leonard: Calm down, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!
Leonard: Had to wake him up from his nap, didn’t you?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.
Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?
Bernadette: No, just the one. But it’s really long.
Penny: Okay, there you go, Sultry Sunrise Red. What do you think?
Amy: My nails have never looked so pretty before. Get it off.
Scene: The movie line.
Raj: Oh, oh, uh, looks like they’re getting ready to let people in.
Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.
Leonard: Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it’s only going to upset you.
Sheldon: I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I’m a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: And that, girls, is how you make a phony phone call.
Amy: I’m not sure I grasp the full entertainment value, but all right. Next on Wikipedia’s list of slumber party activities, Truth or Dare.
Penny: Okay, it’s your game. You go first.
Amy: Hang on. I’m familiarizing myself with the rules. Seems fairly straightforward. Bernadette, truth or dare?
Bernadette: Truth.
Amy: All right. To what temperature must you heat beef in order to kill the prion that causes bovine spongiform encephalopathy?
Bernadette: Um.
Amy: Remember, you have to answer honestly.
Penny: Wait. No, Amy, you’re supposed to ask her something personal or embarrassing.
Amy: Oh. All right. What is the circumference of your areolas?
Scene: The movie line.
Sheldon: Munching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.
Theatre staff: Guys, I am sorry. We are full up.
Sheldon: No!
Theatre staff: We’re full up.
Leonard: We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?
Theatre staff: Sorry. Fire regulations. Should’ve gotten here earlier.
Sheldon: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t.
Theatre staff: ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.
Howard: I guess that’s that. Let’s go home.
Sheldon: You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.
Raj: We can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.
Sheldon: Look, a side door. Come on, Short Round.
Howard: I guess we’d better go after him.
Leonard: Short Round?
Raj: Indy’s young sidekick from Temple of Doom.
Leonard: Yeah, I know who it is, but why is it me?
Raj: You’re right. It should be a cuddly Asian boy. Like me.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: And Absolon hath kist hir nether yea, and Nicholas is scalded in the towte. This tale is doon, and God save al the rowte.”
Penny: What the hell was that?
Amy: Bernadette dared me to tell a dirty story. The Miller’s Tale by Chaucer is the dirtiest story I know. It would have been hidden in sock drawers if people in the 14th century had worn socks.
Bernadette: I thought it was pretty spicy. Especially the part where he kisses her nether yea.
Amy: You might not like it as much if you knew what nether yea meant. Hint, if one cares about hygiene, one ought not be kissing it.
Bernadette: Okay, my turn. Penny, truth or dare?
Penny: Truth.
Bernadette: Why are you still hanging out with Leonard so much even though you broke up with him?
Amy: Oh, that’s an excellent question. For two people who claim to be no longer pair-bonded, you spend an inordinate amount of time in each other’s company.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Penny: Dare.
Amy: I don’t believe the rules allow for an ex post facto option change.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Penny: Okay, look, just because we’re not seeing each other anymore doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I mean, Leonard’s a great guy.
Amy: Then, why did you terminate your relationship with him?
Penny: I don’t know. He got really serious, and I wasn’t ready for it.
Amy: Interesting. How will you react if, in the future, you become ready for it, and Leonard is unavailable, because another woman has realized that he is, to use your words, a great guy?
Penny: You can only ask one question.
Amy and Bernadette together: That one.
Penny: You know what, I don’t want to play anymore.
Amy: Well, I’m not sure how this is scored, but I believe we may have won.
Scene: The movie theatre.
Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon?
Howard: Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.
Sheldon: You whistled?
Leonard: What is that?
Sheldon: Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is crazy.
Sheldon: No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.
Leonard: Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.
Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, look who they let in.
Sheldon: Don’t worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving.  Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!
Howard: Come on, Short Round.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: Outside the movie theatre.
Sheldon: Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!
Raj: Come on, guys! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Howard: Let’s see you run with a bag of urine strapped to your leg.
Wil: He’s got the movie! Get him!
Sheldon: Why is there never a pontoon plane when you need one?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: She’s been in there a long time.
Amy: Clearly, losing Truth or Dare upset her. Perhaps we should try to take her mind off it with another popular slumber party activity.
Bernadette: Ooh, like what?
Amy: Well, the Internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.
Bernadette: Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?
Amy: Penny?
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. Look, I’m sorry I got so upset. I just,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa! What are you doing?
Amy: Don’t worry. I’ll avoid the nether yea.
Bernadette: I might have gone with eating raw cookie dough.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know who’s got to be the bravest person in the Marvel Universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk a bikini wax.
Howard: You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard: He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing?
Sheldon: As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon: Now you just being silly. Wolverine’s never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer. (Answering phone) Hello. Yes, the elevator’s out of order you’ll have to use the stairs. Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the 16th century, while the first elevator was not installed until 1852. That means that for over 300 years, people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.
Leonard: I’ll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.
Raj: Do you think they gave Wolverine an Adamantium prostate?
Howard: That’s a stupid question.
Raj: We’re having a conversation about probing the heinies of superheroes. There are no stupid questions.
Scene: Penny’s door.
 
Man: Yes?
Leonard: Oh, um, is Penny here?
Man: You’re Leonard, right?
Leonard: Yeah.
Man: Damn, it’s good to finally meet you, son.
Leonard: Okay, I think a bit of context here might help.
Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard. I see you met my dad.
Leonard: Oh, good. Context.
Penny’s Dad: Come on in, buddy. Take a load off.
Penny: Oh, gee, dad, Leonard can’t stay. He just dropped by to say hello. Thanks for stopping by, sweetie. I’ll see you later. (Kisses him passionately) Bye.
Leonard: That was odd.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Are you sure you have enough comics? You’re going to be monitoring the telescope for 12 hours, and by my estimate, you’ve only selected seven hours of reading material. That’s even factoring in your difficulty in parsing American comic book idioms like Bamf and Snikt.
Raj: Is that racist? It feels racist.
Howard: Don’t be oversensitive. He’s calling you illiterate, not your race.
Raj: Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly.
Sheldon: I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.
Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.
Leonard: You’ll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Aw.
Leonard: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?
Raj: What… what kind of a kiss?
Leonard: A big kiss. On the mouth.
Howard: Is it possible that she was going for your cheek and you moved and she accidentally got lip? That happens with me and my mom all the time.
Leonard: She introduced me to her father, kissed me and then shut the door in my face.
Howard:Maybe she was trying to send you a message.
Leonard: You think?
Howard: Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.
Leonard: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.
Sheldon: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
Leonard: I’m just saying, it felt like it may have meant something.
Howard: Ah, this takes me back. Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in a while it’s nice to hear the hits.
Raj: Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.
Leonard: Why do I bother talking to you people?
Sheldon: If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen.
Penny (at door): Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: I’m starting to think we’re never going to see that pizza.
Penny: So you’re probably wondering what that was all about.
Leonard: What, uh, the kissing and everything? Nah, women do that to me all the time.
Penny: Yeah, okay. The thing is, I kind of told my father we got back together again.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: Well, you’re the first guy he’s ever really approved of, you know? You’re a scientist who went to college and you don’t have a neck tattoo or outstanding warrants or, or a baby.
Leonard: What kind of guys did you used to go out with?
Penny: Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heartbroken, and he kept bugging me, how’s Leonard? why can’t you get back together with Leonard? I bet Leonard never tipped a cow over on himself. So to get him off my back, I told him we worked things out.
Leonard: Really? How, how’d we manage that?
Penny: What?
Leonard: Well, did you apologize? Did you have to woo me?
Penny: Get over yourself. I whistled, you came running.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I don’t think so.
Penny: Okay, why are you arguing about this?
Leonard: I’m just saying, if we fake got back together, that’s totally not how it fake happened.
Penny: Oh, okay, whatever. Will you please just play along until my dad leaves?
Leonard: Hold on, you actually want me to deceive your father with some sort of sham play acting and kissing? Cause I’m good with that.
Penny’s Dad: Penny, you out here?
Penny: Come on, honey, not in front of my dad.
Penny’s Dad: Relax, I’ve seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider.
Leonard: See? He doesn’t mind.
Penny’s Dad: So, Leonard, I’m taking your gal out for a steak dinner, you want to join us?
Penny: Oh, dad, that’s nice, but Leonard has to work. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Uh, I do, I have to work. But I’m gonna blow that off to spend the evening with my sweetie and her father, ’cause, you know, just the kind of boyfriend I am.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Come here, you.
Scene: Raj’s Lab.
Howard: C-7.
Raj: Miss.
Howard: How could that be a miss? C-6 was a hit, C-8 was a hit. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.
Raj: Not if it has a hole in the middle.
Howard: What kind of spaceship has a hole in the middle?
Raj: A Romulan battle bagel?
Bernadette: Knock-knock.
Howard: Oh, great, you made it. Come on in. I invited her.
Bernadette: So where’s the telescope?
Howard: It’s in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He’s hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
Bernadette: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
Howard: I did it with you when we rented The Notebook. (Raj whispers) Yes, Gena Rowlands is a treasure. You’d better open up that bottle of wine or I’m gonna end up with swimmer’s ear.
Raj: Excuse me. I can’t be drinking, I’m about to make an important scientific discovery here.
Howard: What? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.
Raj: How do you know that?
Howard: Well, he was Italian. It’s a reasonable assumption.
Raj: Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?
Howard: Oh, I, I’m sorry, Galileo drank diet sprite. Look, you’re my best friend, she’s my girlfriend, you should bond. You know, like you and my mom did.
Raj: Your mom creeps the hell out of me.
Howard: Yes, but she’s stopped calling you slumdog millionaire.
Raj: I do appreciate that.
Bernadette: Here we go.
Howard: Well I’d like to propose a toast. To science and friendship.
Bernadette: Hold on. Wait. No, it’s okay, go ahead.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: Oh, I was working with Penicillin-resistant gonorrhoea in the lab today and I was just trying to remember if I washed my hands.
Scene: Penny’s dad’s car.
Leonard: Thanks for the steak, Wyatt.
Penny’s dad (Wyatt): My pleasure. It’s nice to have dinner with a boyfriend of Penny’s that knows how to use a napkin.
Penny: So not funny, dad.
Wyatt: Let me tell you about this one genius she was going out with, this, this fella Donnie.
Penny: Oh, will you please let it go?
Wyatt: Donnie was gonna make millions turning farm waste into biofuel and selling it to the government.
Leonard: A lot of people are doing that.
Penny: Oh, see?
Wyatt: Yeah, but all Donnie did was mix pig poop with a little water and pump it into his mom’s Camry.
Penny: Yeah, that’s great. It’s a funny story. Moving on.
Wyatt: And Donnie was a rocket scientist compared to that boy who wanted to get beer pong into the Olympics. What was his name, sweetheart?
Penny: Curtis, and I’m pretty sure he was joking.
Wyatt: I don’t know. That petition looked real to me.
Penny: Yeah, okay, I think this ends the ex-boyfriend portion of our evening.
Wyatt: Well, I’m just glad you finally found yourself a keeper.
Leonard: Thanks, Wyatt. I’m a keeper.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Wyatt: Leonard, you want to come in for a nightcap?
Penny: Oh, gee, dad, he’d love to, but Leonard has to work in the morning.
Leonard: Maybe I could go in a little late.
Penny: No, no, no, you can’t. Your career is far too important.
Wyatt: Behind every great man is a nagging woman who won’t let him have any fun, am I right, Leonard?
Leonard: Don’t I know it.
Wyatt: Well, good night, son.
Leonard: Good night, Wyatt. Oh, good night, honey.
Penny: Good night.
Leonard: I love you.
Penny: Love you, too.
Sheldon: Oh, friggety-frak. Not this again.
Scene: The lab.
Howard: Three, four, five, pass go, get 2,000 Rupees, Six, seven, whoops. Can’t go any further. There’s a sacred cow in my way.
Raj: Bernadette, please tell your boyfriend to cool it with the cow jokes.
Bernadette: It won’t help. Once he finds a joke he likes, he sticks with it.
Raj: Yeah. Like his haircut material.
Bernadette: Oh, right. Did you get your hair cut?
Raj: No. I got them all cut.
Bernadette: Which is still so funny.
Raj: And when you go to a Chinese restaurant, he always gets the same fortune in his fortune cookie.
Bernadette: Right. Help, I’m a prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.
Howard: Okay, I think that’s enough about me.
Raj: He’s right. Let’s make fun of his mother. Howard, come rub my feet! My corns are killing me!
Bernadette: Howard, help me out of the tub! I’m stuck again!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Coming. Hey, lovebug.
Penny: Shut up. You know what I’ve been doing for the last hour?
Leonard: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?
Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.
Leonard: You got to admit, I am, I’m delightful.
Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?
Leonard: It’s not difficult for me. I’m having fun.
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard: What do you want me to do? You started this. Do you want to go over and tell him we’re broken up?
Penny: No.
–
Leonard: Well, then, what do you want?
Penny: I don’t know.
Leonard: Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?
Penny: Maybe.
Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits.
Penny: Oh, my God. What personal habits?
Leonard: I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…
Leonard: Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this?
Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.
Penny: No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss?
Sheldon: Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.
Leonard: Fines?
Sheldon: Yes. If Penny’s going to be spending nights here again, you’ll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.
Scene: The lab.
Raj: Hello, Hawaii. This is Dr. Koothrappali in Pasadena. I’d like you to reposition the telescope, please. Scarlett Johansson’s house! I’m kidding, Hawaii. Mahalo. Whoo!
Howard: It might have been a mistake to open that second bottle of wine.
Bernadette: Well, live and learn. So, Raj, do you think this planet you’re looking for could have an atmosphere that supports life?
Raj: Maybe. If it did, I’d be famous. I’d be on the cover of magazines. And then, instead of living alone in my tiny apartment, I’d have a big mansion.
Bernadette: That sounds great.
Raj: It is. If you like wandering around a big, empty house with no one to love you.
Howard: We’d come visit you.
Raj: No, you wouldn’t. You’d be intimidated by my wealth and fame. My only friends would be my genetically engineered monkey butler, and the little people I hired to be my living chess set.
Bernadette: He’s taking a turn to the dark side, isn’t he?
Howard: Hold on. He could come back.
Raj: Oh, what’s the point of everything?
Howard: Nope. He’s gone.
Raj: You know it’s been more than a year since I’ve even kissed a girl?
Howard: What about that hook-up at Comic-Con you told me about?
Raj: Oh, grow up. I was lying. I lie all the time. Nobody wants to kiss me.
Bernadette: Oh, you poor, poor thing. Raj, you have to know you’re a wonderful man. There are a lot of girls out there who’ll want to kiss you.
Raj: Where?
Bernadette: You just have to look.
Howard: No!
Bernadette: Well, this was fun.
Scene: The apartment. Wyatt and Leonard are playing Wii fishing.
Wyatt: Oh! I think I got a nibble.
Leonard: Oh, b-be careful. Give him some line. Okay, now reel him in.
Wyatt: Oh, look at that baby. They’re really biting, huh?
Leonard: Yeah. They do that when you set it on easy.
Wyatt (phone rings): Oh, that’s me. Hello. Oh, hi, sweetie. Yeah, I got up early and didn’t want to wake you, so I went out for coffee and ran into Leonard on the way back. Guess what, we’re fishing. Yeah. Right here on his couch.
Leonard: Hey, baby. I love you! Mwuh, mwuh, mwuh, mwuh, mwuh.
Wyatt: That’s Leonard says he loves you. What? I see. The whole thing’s bull squirt, huh? Well, that’s very disappointing. Bye.
Leonard: Oh, hey. There’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Wyatt: I can’t believe you would lie to me like that.
Leonard: Just for the record, I did not want to be a part of this.
Wyatt: I’ll get to you in a minute.
Leonard: No hurry.
Wyatt: That my own daughter thinks I don’t love her enough to support her no matter what choices she makes, well, that hurts me deeply.
Penny: I’m sorry, daddy…
Wyatt: Let me finish.
Penny: Oh.
Wyatt: I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the wool over my eyes. Telling me the baggie in your underwear drawer is potpourri? And the pee stick in your bathroom is to check for diabetes?
Penny: You know, I’m sorry.
Wyatt: You’re a grown woman, and I respect your right to make your own decisions, but all I ask is you respect me enough to be honest about them.
Penny: You’re right. Look, from now on, I will tell you the truth.
Wyatt: Thank you. Now, why don’t you go and put some clothes on and we’ll grab a bite to eat before I head for the airport. Now you.
Penny: Daddy, he had nothing to do…
Wyatt: Keep walking.
Penny: Okay.
Wyatt: Please, please, please don’t give up on her.
Leonard: What?
Wyatt: I can’t go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.
Leonard: Gee, I don’t know if it’s in the cards, sir.
Wyatt: Then, stack the deck. Cheat. Lie. I don’t care. I want grandkids before I die, and I want them to grow up in a house without wheels.
Leonard: I’ll give it a shot.
Wyatt: Thank you. Now I’m going to do something here to help you along.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Wyatt: Just don’t panic. Now, get your sorry, lying ass out of my face and make sure I never see it again!
Leonard: Oh, the reverse psychology thing. I see. That’s very clever.
Wyatt: Don’t yap. Just get out.
Leonard: I’ll friend you on Facebook.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.
Leonard: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again.
Sheldon: Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Oh, how’d it go last night?
Raj: Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop.
Leonard: Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?
Raj: Why? You writing a book?
Sheldon: I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.
Raj: Nothing happened. Can we please just change the subject?
Sheldon: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.
Howard: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: You get to play with Raj’s big telescope last night?
Howard: Whoa. Where did that come from?
Raj: He never touched my telescope.
Howard: Way to go shutting up.
Raj: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
Howard: Fine.
Raj: Thank you. How come you didn’t call me this morning?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?
Leonard: It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.
Sheldon: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.
Raj: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
Sheldon: Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why.
Leonard: No.
Howard: Uh-uh.
Raj: We’re good.
Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?
Leonard: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
Sheldon: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.
Raj: Just for the record, when you enter five million three hundred eighteen thousand and eight in a calculator, upside-down it spells boobies.
Leonard: Remember when you were wondering why the girls didn’t want to eat with us tonight?
Howard: Yeah, I get it now.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: I love your little heart locket, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks. Howard gave it to me. It’s the cutest thing. Every time I have dinner with his mom, the next day I get jewellery.
Amy: Did you know that the iconic Valentine’s heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?
Penny: Oh, so I spent seventh grade dotting my I’s with little asses? Cool.
Zack: Hey, Penny, how’s it going?
Penny: Hey, Zack, what are you doing here?
Zack: My dad’s company prints the menus for this place. I’m just dropping off some new ones laminated. Makes ’em easier to clean if people throw up on ’em. Guess how I got the idea?
Penny: Yeah, I got it, I got it. Uh, Zack, these are my friends Bernadette and Amy.
Bernadette: Hi.
Zack: Hey.
Amy: Hoo.
Zack: Okay, well, it was good to see you.
Penny: Yeah, you, too.
Bernadette: He’s really cute. How do you know him?
Penny: Oh, we went out a couple of times.
Amy: I’m often flummoxed by current slang. Does went out mean had intercourse?
Bernadette: Yes.
Penny: No, no. But in this case, yes.
Amy: Interesting. And was it not satisfactory?
Penny: No, it was great. He just didn’t really challenge me on an intellectual level.
Bernadette: Couldn’t you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
Penny: Wouldn’t help. Zack can’t even spell NPR.
Bernadette: It’s what I do with Howard. I’m much smarter than he is. But it’s important to protect his manhood.
Amy: Hoo.
Bernadette: What’s the matter?
Amy: I’m suddenly feeling flushed. My heart rate is elevated, my palms are clammy, my mouth is dry. In addition, I keep involuntarily saying hoo.
Penny: Oh, we know what’s causing that, don’t we?
Amy: It’s no mystery. I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden-onset Tourette’s syndrome.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Did you hear about the accident at the bio lab?
Leonard: No. What happened?
Howard: They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes and one of the techs got bit.
Raj: Did he get superpowers?
Howard: No, he got five stitches and a tetanus shot.
Raj: Oh. Well, that’s disappointing.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Well, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab, you kind of want to turn into a superhero.
Howard: Yeah, but who’d want to become Rat-Man?
Raj: Who wouldn’t? You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound. And the best part is, if I were Rat-Man, you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy.
Howard: Mouse Boy?
Raj: You don’t like Mouse Boy? How about, uh, uh, Kid Vermin?
Howard: First of all, if we had superpowers, I wouldn’t be the sidekick. You’d be the sidekick.
Raj: Rat-Man is nobody’s sidekick.
Howard: Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who’s the obvious sidekick?
Raj: Yeah, Leonard, who?
Leonard: 12 years after high school, and I’m still at the nerd table.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Sheldon: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?
Amy: It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine.
Sheldon: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.
Amy: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.
Sheldon: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.
Amy: No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour.
Sheldon: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.
Amy: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Sheldon: All right. What were the symptoms?
Amy: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.
Sheldon: Localized to what region?
Amy: Ears and genitalia.
Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.
Amy: I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.
Sheldon: Who?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Then why did you ask?
Amy: Ask what?
Sheldon: Who.
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?
Amy: Hoo.
Sheldon: Zack.
Amy: Why do you keep saying Zack?
Sheldon: Because you keep saying who.
Amy: I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night.
Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?
Amy: There was no question. I simply said hoo.
Sheldon: All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.
Amy: Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?
Scene: The cafeteria.
 
Howard: There you are.
Raj: Oh, hey.
Howard: Let me ask you a question. What are you most afraid of?
Raj: I don’t know. Um, nuclear war. Accidentally being buried alive. Any of those movies where you get that phone call that says you’re going to die, and then you do.
Howard: No. Something very specific that we both know you, Rajesh Koothrappali, are terrified of.
Raj: Well, type two diabetes runs in my family. The thought of losing a toe…
Howard: Spiders! You’re afraid of spiders!
Raj: What the heck is this?
Howard: A jar with a big spider in it, of course. Bravery test. First one to take his hand out is the sidekick.
Raj: Are you crazy?
Howard: Perhaps. Are you scared?
Raj: No. But it’s a stupid test.
Howard: Oh, really? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to stick your hand in a jar with a spider?
Raj: Oh, yeah? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to take a shower in the locker room and let other guys see you naked?
Howard: Oh, come on. That’s never gonna happen. Now put your hand in the jar or forever be revealed as my sidekick.
Raj: All right, I will.
Howard: How did you get so brave all of a sudden?
Raj: It’s easy. The spider’s crawling up your arm.
Howard: Get it off! Get it off! Please, Raj! Ah! Ah! Ah! Please. Oh!
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Amy: My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.
Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?
Amy: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.
Amy: I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack.
Sheldon: Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.
Amy: Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal.
Sheldon: A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.
Amy: Religion?
Sheldon: Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.
Amy: Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?
Sheldon: Cheap science fiction?
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.
Amy: Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy?
Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.
Amy: And?
Sheldon: I reject it.
Amy: You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?
Sheldon: I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.
Amy: That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.
Sheldon: Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hey. Isn’t tomorrow your usual laundry night?
Sheldon: The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.
Penny: That’s thinking ahead.
Sheldon: The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.
Penny: So how’s Amy?
Sheldon: Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.
Penny: Oh, no. Why?
Sheldon: I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.
Penny: Just going to skip over that insult.
Sheldon: What insult?
Penny: Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the
scientific word?
Sheldon: Forget science. She’s horny.
Penny: Oh! Okay. Wow.
Sheldon: It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.
Penny: Are you sure?
Sheldon: What are you suggesting?
Penny: I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges?
Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.
Penny: Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.
Penny: Exactly.
Sheldon: Well, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I’ll let you know what happens.
Penny: Oh, Amy, you lucky girl.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Yes. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Is this the Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny? Sorry to bother you. Hello. I’m looking for a Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny. Coitus. It means intercourse. And I have a feeling I’m speaking to the right Zack. This is Sheldon Cooper. Fine. Shelly. Yes, that does sound like a girl’s name. No, it doesn’t bother me. Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother me. Let me tell you why I’m calling. I’d like to know if you’d be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl’s name. Good grief. It’s like trying to talk to a dolphin.
Scene: A gymnasium.
Leonard: Really? This is going to decide who’s the hero and who’s the sidekick?
Howard: You got a better idea?
Leonard: Every idea is better than this idea.
Howard: Ding!
Raj: Wait. What the hell is ding?
Howard: It’s a bell.
Raj: I don’t think this kind of wrestling has a bell.
Howard: Fine. How do you want to start?
Raj: I say, uh, how about one, two, three, go?
Howard: One-two-three-go? That’s for babies.
Raj: Okay, how about, uh, on your mark, get set, go?
Howard: That’s for a footrace. If you want to race, we have to go outside.
Raj: No, it’s chilly outside. Didn’t bring my jacket.
Howard: Oh, for crying out loud. What kind of superhero needs a jacket?
Raj: What kind of superhero says dibs on the red tights, dibs on the red tights.
Howard: All right, how about this? Ready, wrestle.
Raj: Wait. Are we starting now? Or is that what you’re going to say when we do start, or…
Howard: We’re starting now!
Raj: Don’t yell at me!
Leonard: Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.
Scene: A bar.
Sheldon: Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?
Amy: I’m sure it’ll wash off.
Sheldon: Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel.
Amy: There’s Zack.
Sheldon: Are you sure this is what you want to do?
Amy: It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do.
Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.
Sheldon: Please don’t drag this out. This is never going to come off.
Amy: Excuse me? Zack? I am Amy Farrah Fowler. We met the other night. I have spent my life in pursuit of pure knowledge. Until I met you, my decisions were founded in logic and reason. And yet here I stand before you, 130 pounds of raging estrogen, longing to grab hold of your gluteus maximus and make Shakespeare’s metaphorical beast with two backs.
Zack: My gluteus what?
Amy: On the other hand, as I look at the blank, ape-like expression on your face, I have decided to adopt the Vulcan practice of Kolinar. Good-bye, Zack.
Zack: Bye. Hoo. That should hold me for a while.
Scene: The gymnasium.
Howard: I’m legally obligated to inform you that I took a karate lesson when I was 11. I’d be a regular ninja by now if my mom could’ve arranged a carpool.
Raj: Oh, yeah? Well, I’ve been taking Pilates class at the rec center, and my abs look like sections of a Hershey bar.
Howard: Oh, yeah? Won’t matter, you’re going down!
Raj: No, uh-uh, you’re going down!
Howard: If anybody’s going to go down, it’s going to be you.
Leonard: Fellas. It’s been 30 minutes. Nobody’s touched each other.
Scene: A street.
Sheldon: I’m glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.
Amy: As am I. (Holds Sheldon’s hand)
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Amy: An experiment. Nope. Nothing. Never mind.
Scene: The gymnasium.
Raj: You realize you can’t win.
Howard: I prefer to think that I can’t lose.
Raj: You’re wrong. It’s only a matter of time before you fall into Rat-Man’s rat trap.
Howard: You pathetic fool! If there were a rat-catcher, wouldn’t it catch Rat-Man?
Raj: Just because I didn’t express myself well doesn’t mean my underlying point was invalid! You bloviating buffoon!
Howard: You narcissistic nincompoop!
Raj: You crimson coward! Oh, Leonard, wake up, you’re missing some very excellent superhero quips.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Water Demon.
Howard: Ice Dragon.
Leonard: Lesser Warlord of Ka’a.
Sheldon: Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard: Infinite Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard: Do you understand why people don’t want to play with you?
Sheldon: No, although it’s a question I’ve been pondering since preschool.
Leonard: Hey.
Zack: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, your copy of Science magazine was in my mailbox.
Leonard: Oh, thanks.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Zack: Check it out, all about planets this month.
Leonard: That’s an atom.
Zack: Agree to disagree. That’s what I love about science, there’s no one right answer.
Leonard: So, you and Zack again, huh?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, me and Zack again.
Zack: Were we here earlier?
Penny: Okay, we should, we should go.
Zack: Ah, not yet. I want to talk science with the science dudes.
Howard: Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?
Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it’ll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No, I’m almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard: They might be smarter than some people.
Zack: Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
Zack: I don’t get it.
Leonard: A dolphin might.
Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I’m stupid.
Sheldon: That’s not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.
Zack: Let’s go.
Penny: You know, for a group of guys who claim they spent most of their lives being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you. (Closes door)
Raj: What the hell did I do?
Penny (Opens door again): You laughed.
Scene: The same.
 
Leonard: You think Penny’s right? Were we bullying Zack?
Howard: No, I know bullying. He left here unswirlied and his ass crack was underpants-free.
Raj: And nobody drew a penis on his forehead.
Leonard: That happened to you?
Raj: First day of cricket camp. They drew it so the testicles were my eyes.
Leonard: I don’t know, I think we might owe the guy an apology.
Howard: So go apologize.
Leonard: Why me?
Howard: You started it, we just piled on.
Leonard: What would I even say?
Sheldon: Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.
Raj: A Milk Dud?
Sheldon: Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
Leonard: I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?
Raj: Junior Mints are pretty apologetic.
Sheldon: You’re embarrassing yourself.
Scene: At Penny’s door. Leonard knocks three times.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Yeah, we came to talk to Zack. Hey, Zack.
Zack: What do you want?
Leonard: Listen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around.
Zack: No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me.
Leonard: Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis.
Sheldon: That’s very hurtful.
Leonard: See?
Zack: I don’t know, it still wasn’t very nice.
Sheldon: Milk Dud?
Zack: Oh, I love Milk Duds. Okay, we’re cool.
Sheldon (to Raj): Junior Mints.
Zack: You guys want to come in and have a beer?
Leonard: Uh, we’re on our way to the comic book store.
Howard: Leonard’s buying.
Zack: Really? I haven’t been to a comic book store in literally a million years.
Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years?
Leonard: Don’t.
Zack: You want to go with ’em?
Penny: No.
Zack: Okay, see you later.
Penny: Wait, w-w-wait-wait-wait, you’re ditching me to go look at comic books?
Zack: Are you mad at me?
Penny: I’m not happy.
Zack: Milk Dud?
Scene: The comic book store.
Zack: Wow, this place is awesome. Where do they keep the Archies?
Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.
Zack: Oh, no, you’re thinking old-school Archie. It’s much more sophisticated now. Like, there’s two universes, and Archie’s married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.
Raj: No.
Zack: About time, right?
Stuart: Hey.
Zack: Hey.
Stuart: You guys finally chip in for a bodyguard?
Leonard: Uh, no. Oh, this is Zack. He’s a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart. He owns the store.
Zack: Wow, lucky you.
Stuart: Yeah, I work 70 hours a week and average a dollar sixty five an hour.
Zack: Sweet.
Stuart: Is that sarcasm?
Howard: Uh, no, it’s an indictment of the American education system.
Raj: The Archies are over here.
Zack: Yippee.
Stuart: So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party?
Sheldon: Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.
Howard: Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America.
Sheldon: To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.
Leonard: Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches.
Sheldon: That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?
Stuart: Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard’s mother in high-heeled boots?
Sheldon: I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica.
Leonard: Zack?
Howard: He is the only person we know with actual muscles.
Leonard: You can’t replace me with Zack.
Sheldon: Why not? Penny did it.
Howard: Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn’t we be?
Zack: Score. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos.
Sheldon: Congratulations. Zack, how would you like to be Superman?
Zack: I don’t know, sounds like a lot of responsibility.
Scene: The stairwell.
 
Leonard: Fine, if Zack’s going to be Superman, I want to be Green Lantern.
Raj: But I’m Green Lantern.
Leonard: You can be Aquaman.
Raj: I don’t want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.
Zack: Hey, babe.
Penny: I’m still mad at you.
Zack: Well, you won’t be when you hear the great news.
Penny: What great news?
Zack: We’re going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year’s Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.
Sheldon: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.
Penny: Wait, why me? Wh-Why can’t your girlfriend be Wonder Woman?
Howard: She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.
Penny: Okay, what about your friend Amy?
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.
Penny: Okay, well, forget it. I’m not spending my New Year’s Eve at a comic book store wearing a Wonder Woman costume.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): He says he’ll wear it if you’ll be Aquaman.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed as Green Lantern, Sheldon as The Flash.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: We’re going to be late. I’m pacing nervously.
Leonard: You’re jogging.
Sheldon: This is how the Flash paces.
Leonard; Just chill out, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.
Howard: I’m Batman.
Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he’s running late.
Howard: I had to walk. I couldn’t get Raj on the back of my scooter.
Raj: I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Aquaman sucks.
Zack: Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.
Penny: All right. Let’s get this thing over with.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
Howard: Relax. No one’s going to be looking at her hair. Ow! I mean, ow.
Zack: Hold on. The costume came with a black wig. Where is it, babe?
Penny: No. I’m not wearing it. It looks stupid.
Zack: Come on. We’re trying to win a contest here.
Penny: Forget it. I’m not wearing the wig.
Zack: Penny, there’s no I in Justice League.
Howard: Well, actually.
Sheldon: Don’t. He’s making our case.
Zack: Okay, babe. Uh, kind of embarrassing me in front of my friends.
Penny: Okay. You know what? I changed my mind. I’m not going.
Raj: Looks like someone else is going to have to be Wonder Woman.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Zack: Babe, open up.
Penny: I’m not talking to you.
Zack: Then who are you talking to? Babe?
Sheldon:  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.
Penny: What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.
Penny: Okay. What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I understand why you’re upset.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.
Penny: No. Wait, wait, does it?
Sheldon: Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
Penny: Good-bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But they’re not blonde, so put on your wig. Hello?
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Stupid Aquaman.
Leonard: If it makes you feel any better, when I was dating Penny, she used to flip out on me all the time.
Zack: Whoa. You dated Penny?
Leonard: She didn’t tell you?
Zack: She told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would have thought it was you?
Leonard: Who else would it be?
Zack: I don’t know. Somebody bigger and, yeah, sure. Why not you?
Sheldon: I may have failed.
Howard: Okay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman.
Zack: I don’t want to go without Penny.
Raj: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.
Sheldon: Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit.
Sheldon: I’m Kermit. You’re Scooter.
Raj: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He’s the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.
Howard: No, we can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
Leonard: What makes you think I can convince her?
Howard: You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.
Leonard: Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?
Sheldon: Yes. And make her wear the black wig. Good luck.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Knocking.
Penny: Go away, Sheldon.
Leonard: It’s Leonard.
Penny: Oh. Go away, Leonard.
Leonard; Come on, let me just talk to you.
Penny: It’s open.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: I’m not going to that party, Leonard.
Leonard: Okay, listen. You don’t have to wear the wig. At this party, we’re gonna win first prize just by showing up with a girl.
Penny: It’s not the wig.
Leonard: Did I do something? I mean, I tried to be friends with Zack, like you said, which believe me, was difficult, given how you and me used to be, you know, you and me, and now you and him are you and him.
Penny: Okay, look. We’re not really me and him.
Leonard: Then what are you?
Penny: I don’t know. I only started seeing Zack again so I wouldn’t be alone on New Year’s Eve. How pathetic is that?
Leonard: Not as pathetic as dressing up like this and going to a comic book store on New Year’s Eve.
Penny: You make a cute Green Arrow.
Leonard: Green Lantern.
Penny: Like there’s a difference.
Leonard: There’s a big difference. Arrow. Lantern.
Penny: Whatever. Look, if Zack and I had just gone to a regular club or a party, it would have been fine, but this, with the costumes, and you.
Leonard: What about me?
Penny: Nothing. Let’s go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look?
Leonard: Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there.
Howard (outside the door): Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.
Sheldon: Oh.
Zack: Yes.
Sheldon: What’s the bad news?
Howard: Superman probably isn’t getting laid tonight.
Zack: Aw, damn.
Scene: The party.
 
Stuart: And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number three!
Sheldon: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Stuart: Okay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight.
All: Ten, nine, eight…
Sheldon: No, wait! I have a speech.
All: Seven, six…
Sheldon: Stop counting!
All: Five, four, three…
Sheldon: This is my moment, dag nab it!
All: Two, one! Happy New Year!
Sheldon: I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.
Scene: The street.
Zack: That was a great party. We should dress like this all the time.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You’re being a bully.
Howard: Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.
Leonard: What should we do?
Sheldon: We’re the Justice League of America. There’s only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away.
Zack (after a moment’s thought): Nah. Hold up.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is 72 degrees, but I’m a little warm, so I’m going to turn it down.
Sheldon (as The Flash, runs to the Grand Canyon): Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter! (Runs back) Fine.
Scene: The university cafeteria. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: Ma, Ma, calm down. Listen to me. I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse. Now, put your finger on it. Doesn’t matter which finger. Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon. Yeah, the little envelope. What do you mean, what does it look like? It looks like an envelope! Fine, you don’t like the computer, don’t use it! Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye!
Raj: That’s a Hanukkah present you’re regretting, huh?
Sheldon: I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.
Leonard: I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation?
Sheldon: Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer.
Leonard: I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!
Raj: You know what’s a great app? The one that makes fart noises.
Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.
Leonard: Can you say that and not make it sound like I’m a cat who learned how to use the toilet?
Sheldon: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable, though if pressed, I’d have to give a slight edge to the cat. I’ll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer. I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.
Leonard: Oh, yay for me. What about you guys? I can’t promise anything, but people do make money off stuff like this.
Howard: A few extra bucks would be nice. I could finally move out of my mother’s house.
Raj: Where would you go?
Howard: I always dreamed about building a little place of my own over the garage.
Raj: You know, if I made more money, I could take time off from work and give pretty girls submarine rides.
Howard: What’s that? Some weird sex thing?
Raj: No. You take pretty girls underwater in your private submarine, and you show them fish. Why does everything have to be dirty with you?
Leonard: I was thinking we could work on this at night, and then maybe in a couple of weeks, we’ll have ourselves an app to sell.
Howard: Sounds like we’re in business.
Raj: I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh!
Raj (pressing button on camera phone. Camera makes a fart noise): Was that the best 99 cents I ever spent, or what?
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I checked the App Store. No one is doing handwriting-recognition differential equation solving.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, shush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You have so few good ideas, Leonard. And you’re just going to spill the beans in front of an outsider?
Penny: Who, me?
Howard: Sheldon, I don’t think Penny cares about handwriting-recognition based differential…
Sheldon (singing): The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas.
Leonard: She’s not going to steal our idea.
Penny: What idea?
Leonard: We’re gonna write an application…
Sheldon (singing): The prairie sky is wide and high, deep in the heart…
Penny: Okay, stop, stop!
Sheldon: Of Texas.
Penny: Whatever your secret is, I’m sure it’s boring, so I’m not interested.
Leonard: It’s not boring at all. You see, in higher order mathematics, there are certain sets of equations that…
Penny: Bored.
Leonard: Satisfied?
Sheldon: Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Penny: Hey, wait a minute.
Howard: Well, hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.
Sheldon: Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.
Howard: Hey, I…
Penny: Hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.
Sheldon: She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
Leonard: That is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
Penny: Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.
Howard: There’s your answer, free food.
Sheldon: All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.
Raj: Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.
Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.
Raj: Oh. Very clever. But still racist.
Sheldon: Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.
Howard: Why am I listed as your executive assistant?
Sheldon: Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.
Leonard: Okay, we need to stop for a minute.
Sheldon: Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re not in charge. It’s my idea. I’m in charge.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.
Leonard: Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer.
Sheldon: You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee.
Leonard: Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.
Raj: Ooh. Leonard’s going all alpha nerd on Sheldon’s ass.
Sheldon: All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.
Leonard: Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, we’re doomed.
Scene: Later.
Leonard: So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation, but over here, you can press this, and just substitute new values for the coefficients.
Sheldon: Good one, boss.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.
Leonard: It’s not a joke. It’s the real design.
Sheldon: In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?
Leonard: Sheldon, I think this will work. Let’s just try it my way.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.
Leonard: Are you done?
Sheldon: If you say so, boss.
Scene: Later still.
Howard: So right now, this button-press event is just triggering a dummy procedure call…
Sheldon: How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.
Raj: So it spells Sheldon?
Sheldon: Does it? A happy accident.
Leonard: We’re not doing names now. Howard?
Howard: Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…
Sheldon: All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.
Leonard: That’s just Sheldon backwards.
Sheldon: Another happy accident.
Leonard: We’re not wasting time with names right now.
Sheldon: I see. Is that decision open for discussion?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Is the decision to not discuss it open for discussion?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…
Sheldon: I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.
Leonard: Oh Sheldon, stop it.
Sheldon: When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…
Leonard: That’s enough, Sheldon.
Sheldon: All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.
Leonard: Okay, that’s it, you’re fired.
Sheldon: Really? Why?
Leonard: Because you’re impossible to work with.
Sheldon: I see. And is that open for discussion?
Scene: The following morning.
 
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.
Leonard: But I fired you.
Sheldon: Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.
Leonard: No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever.
Sheldon: But I made it better.
Leonard: I don’t want it better. I want it my way.
Sheldon: Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard: What the hell are bus pants?
Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.
Leonard: Look, I’m still happy to drive you to work. Nothing’s changed in that regard. We’re still roommates, we’re still friends.
Sheldon: Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex.
Leonard: You know what? Go put on your bus pants.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Mm. Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?
Howard: It means after we play handball, I’m showering at home.
Sheldon: Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.
Raj: World’s Greatest Astrophysicist?
Sheldon: Don’t thank me. You earned it.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.
Howard: We’re not quitting on Leonard.
Sheldon: I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?
Raj: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer. No? How about can cosies emblazoned with our university mascot? Go, Beavers. I’ll be back.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Okay, let’s try this one. Spherical Hankel function.
Leonard: Hold on. That’s it!
Howard: Eureka!
Raj: Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together.
Howard: Fine. Let’s say it together.
Raj: No. The moment has passed.
Sheldon: Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?
Raj: You mean, Project Lenwoloppali?
Sheldon: Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?
Leonard: We’re actually scanning equations and getting good results.
Sheldon: Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress.
Leonard: Howard, did you solve the install time problem yet?
Howard: No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…
Leonard: What are you doing?!
Sheldon: Playing the theremin.
Leonard: No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin?
Sheldon: Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.
Leonard: Sheldon! We’re working here!
Sheldon: That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.
Leonard: No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.
Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?
Leonard: Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.
Sheldon: Don’t beat around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.
Scene: The hallway.
Sheldon: Could have beaten around the bush a little.
Scene: The lobby. Sheldon is playing his theramin.
Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow-ow-ow-ow.
Penny: What you doing? Trying to contact your home planet?
Sheldon: I’m practicing my theremin.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah.
Penny: Something got you down, there, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.
Penny: Oh, honey, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.
Penny: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. And they’re still sticky.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Probably going to have to throw them away.
Penny: Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.
Sheldon: With you?
Penny: Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?
Penny: Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them.
Sheldon: That’s your app idea?
Penny: Well, you don’t like it?
Sheldon: I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.
Penny: And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that.
Sheldon: I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some?
Sheldon: Do you make it with milk or water?
Penny: Milk.
Sheldon: Real cocoa?
Penny: That’s what it says on the packet.
Sheldon: Do you have those little marshmallows?
Penny: No, sorry.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: A disappointing drink for a disappointing day.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, look at this. 20 people from the university have already signed up for our private beta.
Leonard: I’m telling you, the Lenwoloppali Differential Equation Scanner meets a real need. We’ve got a hit.
Raj: What do you think we should sell it for?
Howard: Well, based on the fact that our potential market is about 70 or 80 guys, and you want a submarine, I’d say about a million dollars a pop.
Raj: Well, what if we put out a lite version for half a million? You know, get the word of mouth going.
Penny: Hi. I’m sorry to bother you guys, but you’ve got to come take your Sheldon back.
Leonard: What’s he doing in your apartment?
Penny: Well, he was moping down in the lobby, so I invited him over, and now I regret it.
Leonard: Why do you regret, uh, never mind, stupid question.
Penny: Look, can’t you just let him play with you until bedtime?
Leonard: We’re not playing. This is real work.
Howard: We’re going to be hundred-aires.
Penny: Okay. What if I got him to apologize and promise to behave?
Leonard: Then I guess we would let him back on the app team, and while we’re doing that, you could take an aerial tour of L.A. on your flying pig.
Penny: Okay. Wait right here.
Raj: I’ll tell you one thing. If I get rich enough, that’s the kind of girl I want to take on a submarine ride. And yes, that time, I meant it to be dirty.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Sheldon: Really? Leonard wants me back?
Penny: Oh, yes. He says they are lost without you.
Sheldon: Well, we sure saw that coming.
Penny: That’s right.
Sheldon: You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.
Penny: No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this.
Sheldon: How?
Penny: Say you’re sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.
Penny: Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: No?
Sheldon: I was being sarcastic.
Penny: Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically.
Sheldon: Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.
Penny: Yeah. Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let’s go.
Sheldon: Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.
Penny: Oh, you’re welcome.
Sheldon: Boy, I’m getting good at this.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Okay, now that you’re back on the team, let’s get you caught up.
Sheldon: Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.
Leonard: Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app.
Sheldon: Well, I must say, I am impressed.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.
Howard: We have.
Sheldon: As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, these are Uggs. These are Crocs. These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.
Sheldon: Bored.
Penny: Look, you said it yourself, we have to create a database before you can write an alga-thingy.
Sheldon: Algorithm. You see, Penny, Alan Turing defined an algorithm…
Penny: Bored. Okay. These are Steve Maddens. These are Nine West. These are Target. Oh, but don’t they look like Chanel? These are Michael Kors. These are Roxy. These are Sachel’s. Oh, these are Betsy Johnson, they’re so cute…
Sheldon (singing at the same time): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow…
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging?
Penny: Okay. So, the usual, with extra spit on Sheldon’s hamburger.
Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?
Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I’m sorry, I’m actually pretty busy this weekend.
Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today.
Amy: That’s too bad. I was hoping you could be my plus-one at the Institute of Interdisciplinary Studies’ symposium on the impact of current scientific research on societal interactions.
Penny: The what?
Leonard: It’s an annual science conference. We’ve all been invited to speak.
Penny: Oh. Oh, okay, well, you know, like I said, I have plans, so.
Amy: Shame. Since you’re my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
Penny: I’m your best friend?
Amy: Don’t you read my blog?
Penny: Oh, don’t feel bad. I never read Leonard’s, and I used to sleep with him.
Amy: Do you know anybody else who would appreciate an all-expense-paid spa weekend at a four-star resort in Big Sur?
Penny: No, I really, I’m sorry, free what? Sorry, what, what?
Leonard: I think her weekend just opened up.
Penny: Wait, wait, just to be clear, when you guys say spa, does that mean the same thing as when regular people say it?
Leonard: Pretty much. Except we keep our shirts on in the sauna.
Penny: You know, it is going to be difficult, but I’m going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my bestie.
Amy: Please don’t touch my breasts.
Penny: I, I wasn’t going to.
Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.
Penny: Boy, this is great. I haven’t had a vacation in ages.
Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.
Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”
Amy: I don’t believe there’s any such thing.
Sheldon: You lied to me?
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
 
Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone’s attention, please? I know we’re all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I’m sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it’s just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we’re off.
Leonard: Don’t worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.
Sheldon: Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Nobody cares about your Kegel exercises.
Sheldon: All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.
Amy: Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.
Penny: Yay!
Sheldon: She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.
Penny: Brawny?
Leonard: They’re bigger than mine.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.
Howard (voice): Fine.  Red Five to Red Leader. What do you want now?
Sheldon: It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.
Howard: Still right behind you.
Sheldon: Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.
Penny: So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?
Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.
Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.
Leonard: I can vouch for that.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Not you, him.
Penny: Oh. Thanks.
Leonard: Although yours was an eye-opener.
Amy: Don’t worry, Penny. You’re my plus-one. You’ll bunk with me. And FYI, travel makes me constipated, so I’m the ideal hotel roommate.
Penny: Terrific. Are we there yet?
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: I hope we get there in time to see the keynote address.
Howard: Really? You want to see the keynote?
Bernadette: Yeah, it sounds fun. Super bacteria: global apocalypse or exciting research opportunity?
Howard: Actually, I was thinking we could go straight to the room and take a nap.
Bernadette: Really? And miss the keynote?
Howard: We can watch it later on C-SPAN. Besides, I was really looking forward to you and me napping together in the hotel.
Bernadette: Well honey, if you’re that tired, why don’t you just take a nap here in the car?
Howard: No, see, it’s not…
Bernadette: Hang on. It’s Leonard. Hi, Leonard.
Leonard (voice): Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj. He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, he means sex.
Bernadette: Oh. Thank you, Raj.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Are you an element in the actinoid series?
Sheldon: No. Amy?
Amy: Are you usually radioactive when found in nature?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Are you in the lanthanoid series?
Sheldon: Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?
Penny: Uh, I don’t know. Are you food?
Sheldon: That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.
Penny: Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it?
Sheldon: I knew she wasn’t lead car material.
Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was threatening to filibuster. It’s not technically Road Trip God, it’s Travel Supervisor.
Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.
Penny: I don’t understand why you people just let him bully you like this. Someone should stand up to him. What’s he going to do?
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Penny: I can’t believe you let him kick me out of the car.
Howard: What could we do? He’s the Travel Supervisor.
Bernadette: Don’t worry, Penny. This is a better car anyway.
Howard: Yeah. It’s the Love Car.
Penny: Should I ask?
Bernadette (singing): They say we’re young and we don’t know, we won’t find out until we grow.
Howard (singing): Well, I don’t know if all that’s true, ’cause you got me, and, baby, I got you.
Together (singing): Babe, mm da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe, da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe…
Penny: Red Leader, I’m really sorry.
Scene: The hotel.
Howard and Bernadette (singing): I got you, babe.
Amy: I missed you.
Penny: You know what? I missed you, too.
Very tall and powerfully built man: Bernadette?
Bernadette: Oh, my God, Glenn!
Glenn: Great to see you!
Bernadette: Are you here for the conference?
Glenn: Yeah, I’m doing a global warming panel.
Bernadette: Oh, good for you. Uh, Glenn, this is my boyfriend Howard.
Glenn: Oh. Nice to meet you.
Howard: Hi. Ow. Hi.
Glenn: You’re a lucky man. Bernie’s a great gal.
Howard: Yes. Bernie sure is.
Glenn: Well, I got to run. The panel’s tomorrow morning. It’s called, Remembering Snow: A Look Back.
Bernadette: I’ll try to catch it.
Glenn: Oh, great. Bye.
Bernadette: Bye.
Howard: Hey, Bernie?
Bernadette: Yeah?
Howard: Please tell me he’s your gay cousin.
Bernadette: No. He was one of my professors in college.
Howard: Oh! That’s a relief.
Bernadette: Then we went out for a year. Come on, let’s check in, so we can take that nap.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, it’s not necessarily proportional. Shut up!
Scene: Howard’s hotel room.
Howard: That green bag is Dr. Cooper’s. Here’s an extra five. Make him wait. Oh. Right to the nap, huh? Okay? Uh, so, this Glenn guy. You say you went out with him for, like, a year.
Bernadette: Do we really need to talk about my old boyfriend now?
Howard: No. I guess not. What is he, like, six-four, six-five?
Bernadette: Six-seven.
Howard: Probably has a hard time finding a suit that fits.
Bernadette: Is something bothering you?
Howard: No. It’s just…
Bernadette: What?
Howard: I’m just thinking. If you had sex with that guy, I mean, there’s nothing I can do here that will make any kind of impact.
Bernadette: Howard, it’s not a contest. I love you. I want to be with you.
Howard: Yeah, great, love you, too, but, if it were a contest, I wouldn’t have a chance, right?
Bernadette: You can’t think that way.
Howard: Yep. Loser.
Bernadette: Howard, stop it.
Howard: Sorry. I just never figured that a guy like me going out with a girl like you would ever have to compete with a guy like that.
Bernadette: Wait a minute, a girl like me? What’s that mean?
Howard: I’m… I…
Bernadette: Are you saying you don’t think I’m hot enough to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: No! No, I’m saying exactly the opposite.
Bernadette: I’m too hot to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: Yeah, let’s go with that.
Scene: Amy’s hotel room.
Amy (exiting bathroom): Still nothing. Remind me to try again in an hour.
Penny: Will do.
Amy: So, girl talk?
Penny: Um, sure. What do you, what do you got in mind?
Amy: Do you subscribe to the Freudian theory of penis envy?
Penny: Um, I never really thought about it. Why?
Amy: Sometimes I think it might be nice to have one.
Penny: Really?
Amy: Not for sex, for convenience. You can’t deny that, by comparison, our internal plumbing is extremely high maintenance.
Penny: Again, I’ve never given it much thought.
Amy: We have time now. Think about it.
Penny (knock on door): Oh, good. Hey.
Bernadette: Can I stay here tonight?
Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened?
Bernadette: Howard’s a complete and total ass.
Penny: Oh, yeah, that. Come on in.
Bernadette: Thanks. I’ll sleep on the floor.
Amy: Not necessary. Penny and I are perfectly comfortable sharing a bed.
Penny: We are?
Amy: Of course, we’re best friends.
Penny: Oh, right, right, the blog.
Amy: Word of warning, though. I’m prone to night terrors, so if I wake up kicking and screaming, don’t panic. Just pin me down and stroke my hair, and I’ll be fine.
Scene: Leonard’s room.
Penny: Hey, can I stay here tonight?
Leonard: Shh-shh-shh-shh. Sheldon’s asleep. What’s going on?
Penny: Well, Howard’s a complete and total ass, Bernadette’s in my bed, and no matter how much you stroke Amy’s hair, she bites.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Never mind. Can I stay here or not?
Leonard: Uh, sure.
Penny: All right.
Leonard: So, how do you wanna do this?
Penny: Well, I’m not getting in bed with him.
Leonard: Yeah, it is a little like getting into Dracula’s coffin.
Penny: We’re just gonna have to make the best of this.
Leonard: Okay, when you say make the best of it.
Penny: Sleep.
Leonard: Right. So we’ll just call the middle here the Neutral Zone.
Penny: The what?
Leonard: Star Trek. You know, the Neutral Zone between the Federation and the Romulan Empire.
Penny: Oh, okay. Just like old times.
Leonard: Of course, sometimes the Federation and the Romulans would enter the Neutral Zone to negotiate a temporary truce.
Penny: Sweetie, let me put this in a way you’ll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up.
Leonard: Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know?
Penny: Go to sleep.
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Please tell me you’re not having coitus.
Penny: We are not having coitus.
Sheldon: Can you guarantee that it won’t happen at any time during the night?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Scene: Raj’s room.
TV Announcer: Next on Turner Classic Movies, Bridget Jones’s Diary.
Raj: Oh, my God, I’m crying already.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Raj: Okay. Come on in.
Scene: Leonard’s room.
Penny: Leonard, are you asleep?
Leonard: No.
Penny: I really appreciate you letting me stay here tonight.
Leonard: Sure, no problem.
Penny: I know it’s kinda weird.
Leonard: True dat.
Penny: True dat?
Leonard: I’ve gotten a lot more street since we broke up.
Penny: Right. Still mad at me about that?
Leonard: No. No, I understand. I got too intense, you had to back off.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: I’ve gotten a lot better at that, you know. I’ve dated four different women since we broke up and I didn’t tell any of them that I loved them and wanted to have their babies.
Penny: Good for you.
Leonard: Okay, good night.
Penny: Good night. You know, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to violate the Neutral Zone for just one night. Oh!
Raj: Hey, Leonard, Sheldon kicked me out of the room, gave me your key.
Leonard: Penny’s here. (Raj whispers to him) No, we don’t want to watch Bridget Jones’s Diary!
Scene: A conference room.
Sheldon: Good morning and welcome to Science and Society. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD, and ScD. OMG, right? Perhaps that joke was a little too hippie-dippy for this crowd. All right then, we’ll begin with opening remarks. Miss Rostenkowski, would you like to start us off by discussing your assessment of science’s responsibility to society?
Bernadette: Sure. I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. It’s not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one.
Howard: Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest  is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry.
Bernadette: I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.
Amy: Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I’d like to weigh in.
Sheldon: Dr. Koothrappali, would you care to join the conversation?
Raj: Certainly. I’d like to raise two points. Number one, I think they are talking about penises. And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass.
Leonard: I’d like to kick your little brown ass.
Raj: What did I do?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed.
Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.
Penny (voice): We weren’t getting back together! It was a one-time thing!
Sheldon: Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.
Penny(voice): Oh, shut up, Sheldon!
Amy: Hi, bestie.
Penny(voice): Yeah, hi.
Sheldon: All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.
Howard: Let me ask you something, Bernie.
Sheldon: I guess not.
Howard: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie?
Bernadette: Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic.
Howard: What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj: I’d like to weigh in here. No.
Sheldon: All right, why don’t we open it up to Q&A from the audience?
Penny (voice): Yeah, I have a question. Is there anybody who can get me the hell out of here and back to Los Angeles tonight?
Glenn (voice): I’m driving back to L.A. tonight.
Bernadette: Um, Penny, that’s Glenn. Glenn, that’s Penny.
Leonard: No!
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Sheldon (voice): Red Leader to Red Five. Red Leader to Red Five. Anybody up for a little game? I spy with my little eye, a nonferrous metal. (Howard throws walkie-talkie out of window)
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Must be out of range.
Amy: Leonard, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Sure.
Amy: Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life?
Leonard: No. Why do you ask?
Amy: Because we’re going 120 miles per hour.
Sheldon: All right, if no one’s going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back.
Scene: A lecture hall.
Sheldon: Good evening. I’m your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I was expecting applause, but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate. I agreed to speak to you this evening, because I was told that you’re the best and the brightest of this university’s doctoral candidates. Hmm. Of course, that’s like saying you are the most important electron in a hydrogen atom. ‘Cause, you see, there’s only one electron in a hydrogen atom. Best and brightest, my sweet patootie. All right, let’s begin. Show of hands, who here is familiar with the concept of topological insulators? Don’t kid yourselves.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon’s lecture. Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect.
Howard: Look. Listen to this one. Does Einstein’s theory explain why time flies when you’re having fun, but when you’re listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?
Raj: Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
Leonard: Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard: Apparently, if you’re Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
Penny: Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down? I can’t get on.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It’s now Penny is a freeloader. No spaces.
Penny: Thanks. What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We’re reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh. How’d he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
Penny: That bad, huh?
Leonard: Read this woman’s tweet.
Penny: Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj, freeloader.
Howard: So, how’d the lecture go?
Leonard: In a word, triumphant.
Leonard: Really? Triumphant?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today.
Penny: Oh, please let me tell him.
Leonard: I don’t know, I kind of promised Howard.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Howard: Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would.
Sheldon: Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.
Leonard: Oh, uh, from the context, we think it means kill me now.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think I’ll turn in. I didn’t want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.
Howard: FYI, I think that’s what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Howard: Sheldon still moping?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s weird. Even though he didn’t want to give the lecture in the first place, being rejected by those students really hit him hard.
Raj: Mmm, I know the feeling. It’s like accidentally walking into a gay bar and then having no one hit on you. It-It happened to a friend of mine.
Bernadette: Are you guys doing okay?
Howard: Yeah, Leonard and I are fine, but I think Raj needs to meet a girl really soon.
Bernadette: Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. He’s such a cutie.
Raj: Thank you, but cute is for bunnies. I want to be something with sex appeal, like, like a labradoodle.
Howard: Labradoodle?
Leonard: We might be starting to zero in on your problem.
Bernadette: Don’t you listen to them. You’ve got plenty of sex appeal.
Raj: You really think so?
Bernadette: Yeah. You’re a hottie.
Raj: Well, thanks, Bernadette. And just for the record, labradoodles are hypo-allergenic, which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam, with an undersea background): So, what do you think?
Sheldon: It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.
Amy: Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish)
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.
Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
Amy: If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it.
Sheldon: For instance?
Amy: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.
Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.
Amy: All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people?
Sheldon: Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.
Amy: Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage.
Sheldon: I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?
Amy: Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons.
Sheldon: Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct?
Penny: I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress.
Sheldon: All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.
Penny: You want an acting lesson?
Sheldon: Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.
Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?
Sheldon: It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.
Penny: Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge.
Sheldon: So, when could we start?
Penny: Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t.
Sheldon: I suppose that’s one way to look at it.
Penny: I think it’s the only way to look at it.
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Penny: Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.
Penny: Forget it.
Sheldon: I’ll pay you 40 dollars.
Penny: Saturday, nine a.m. Bring cash.
Scene: The university cafeteria
Howard: Raj, I have amazing news!
Raj: What?
Howard: I just got offered a fellowship at the Weitzmann Institute in Israel.
Raj: Dude, that’s incredible!
Howard: I know. The only thing is, I’m gonna be gone for two years.
Raj: Aw, I’m gonna miss you. Are you going with him?
Bernadette: I have to stay here for school.
Howard: That’s what we’re here to talk to you about. You see, Bernadette has needs.
Raj: What kind of needs?
Howard: Sexual needs.
Bernadette: Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up.
Howard: So, while I’m gone, you’re going to have to satisfy her.
Bernadette: What do you say?
Raj: I say okey-dokey.
Howard (to the real Raj who is daydreaming): What ya thinking so hard about?
Raj: Just that I’m definitely not gay.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: Nothing. I was acting.
Penny: You were acting?
Sheldon: Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s
The Technique of Acting, Uta Hagen’s Respect for Acting, and Henry Winkler’s Heyyy, I’m an Actor.
Penny: Well, good for you. Come on in.
Sheldon: How shall we begin?
Penny: Well, I thought we’d start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon?
Sheldon (doing nothing): You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.
Penny: Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies.
Sheldon: Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.
Penny: All right, let’s just say we’ve warmed up.
Sheldon: You’re the teacher.
Penny: Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation?
Sheldon: Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.
Penny: This is all about listening and responding.
Sheldon: Gotcha.
Penny: I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: Action.
Penny: Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action.
Sheldon: Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?
Penny: Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?
Sheldon: I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.
Penny: Yogurt?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here.
Sheldon: You do?
Penny: Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes.
Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass.
Sheldon: Oh, and we’re going to use props?
Penny: You bet. I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now look at me. Want some?
Sheldon: You have any frozen yogurt?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’m still not adjusted to how the SyFy channel spells their name now. S-Y-F-Y. That’s siffy.
Raj: Uh-huh.
Leonard (phone rings): Hello? Oh, my God! Is he okay?
Raj: What happened?
Leonard: Hang on. Hang on. Uh-huh. Okay, thank you. Howard was on his scooter, and got hit by a truck. He’s in critical condition.
Raj: Oh, no!
Bernadette: Did you hear? Isn’t it terrible?
Leonard: Have you seen him?
Bernadette: They wouldn’t let me in. Oh my Howie.
Leonard: It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.
Raj: It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. (Phone rings) It’s Howard. Howard, hello.
Howard: Raj, is that you?
Raj: Yeah, I’m right here, buddy. How are you?
Howard: Shh, shh. Listen to me. I’m not gonna make it.
Raj: No, no, no, don’t say that. You’re going to be all right.
Howard: Raj, I don’t have time. Now, pay attention. My last wish is that you look after Bernadette.
Raj: Of course, of course. Now when you say look after, you mean…
Bernadette: Sexually.
Raj: Excuse me, Bernadette. I have to hear it from him.
Howard: Sexually.
Raj: Got it. Take care. I guess I have no choice but to make sweet, guilt-free love to you over and over again for the rest of my life.
Bernadette: That’s how I heard it.
Leonard (out of Raj’s daydream): Or it could be sy-fee.
Raj: What?
Leonard: S-Y-F-Y. Sy-fee.
Raj: Oh, right. Good one.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, did you get a chance to go over the scene I gave you?
Sheldon: Yes. I didn’t care for it.
Penny: Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.
Penny: Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study?
Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.
Penny: And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams?
Sheldon: Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?
Penny: Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before.
Sheldon: It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.
Penny: KMN.
Sheldon: Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.
Penny: Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.
Penny: Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?
Penny: It’s only logical.
Sheldon: Very well. I’ll set the scene.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.
Penny: Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene.
Sheldon: Hoo!
Penny: Now just read your mother’s line.
Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.
Penny: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.
Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!
Penny: Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.
Penny: Just keep going!
Sheldon: Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.
Penny: We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.
Sheldon: I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”
Penny: Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, you’re losing your son.
Sheldon: Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.
Penny: All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.
Penny: All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go.
Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.
Penny: That’s good. That’s good. That’s good.
Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.
Penny: Okay, I guess we’re improvising now.
Sheldon: Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.
Penny (on phone): Mrs. Cooper, hey, it’s Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: Mommy, I love you. Don’t let Spock take me to the future!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Bernadette: Okay, Raj, I know you’ve been avoiding me and Howard, and I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on inside that little head of yours.
(Scene turns into a Bollywood musical)
Raj (singing): Like the wild elephant I am trumpeting my love for you!
Bernadette (singing): Like a hidden flower my sweet fragrance comes into view!
Raj (singing): My heart burns for you like the sun at noon!
Bernadette (singing): My desert welcomes you like the rainy monsoon!
Raj (singing): You are my heart!
Bernadette (singing): My universe!
Raj (singing): You are my heart!
Bernadette (singing): My universe!
Both together (singing): My universe!
Chorus of everyone in cafeteria (singing): Hey! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! My universe!
Raj (out of daydream): Dance number aside, I’m so not gay.
Scene: The University cafeteria
Raj: Here’s what I wonder about zombies. (Others all groan) What happens if they can’t get any human flesh to eat? They can’t starve to death, they’re already dead.
Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
Raj: Yeah, okay, so, zombies.
Leonard: I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like, in 28 Days, if those zombies didn’t eat, they starved.
Howard: You’re thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state
Raj: Hey, don’t bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter.
Leonard: Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock.
Howard: Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?
Sheldon: Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble.
Raj: Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here.
Dr. Seibert: Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today?
Sheldon: That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
Seibert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
Sheldon: It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves,
I’ll let you check me for a hernia.
Seibert: Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls.
Raj: Sounds great!
Howard: I’m in!
Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?
Seibert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university.
Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.
Seibert: I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.
Sheldon: I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.
Seibert: All right, let me put it this way. You’re gonna put on a suit, you’re gonna come to this party, and you’re gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I’ll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Oh, you don’t want that.
Seibert: So, Saturday night! It’s gonna be off the hook.
Sheldon: Ugh!
Seibert: Get over it.
Raj: Oh, boy! Tator tots and a party invitation? What a great day!
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: There you go.
Leonard: Are you sure this is right?
Penny: Yeah, just tuck that part in your pants;  you’ll be fine.
Howard: Okay, let’s go smooch some rich, wrinkled tuckus.
Penny: Oh, Howard, I can’t believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey.
Howard: Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does.
Leonard: Oh. We should get going.
Howard: What about Sheldon?
Sheldon: Sheldon is not going.
Leonard: Really? What do we tell Siebert?
Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s Saturday night, you’ll be doing laundry.
Sheldon: Don’t tell him that, tell him the mask thing.
Scene: The party.
Howard: Hey, put your tie back in your pants.
Leonard: Thanks.
Raj: Nice place. Reminds me of my parents’ house back in New Delhi.
Howard: You’re kidding.
Raj: No. We are very wealthy. But the only difference is, we have more servants.
Leonard: More than this?
Raj: More than we can use. You see, in India, we don’t make the mistake of letting our poor people have dreams.
Seibert: Ah. There’s my band of brainiacs. Where’s Dr. Cooper?
Leonard: He’s tearing the mask off nature to look at the face of God.
Seibert: The board of directors insists he has a beautiful mind. I think he’s just bananas. Come on, let me introduce you to one of the university’s leading donors.
Raj: I think we were misled about the cute girls.
Seibert: Mrs. Latham, I’d like you to meet three of our outstanding young researchers. This is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz.
Mrs Latham: Well, what happened to you, Wolowitz, couldn’t stick with it long enough to get your PhD?
Howard: I’m an engineer. Most engineers don’t bother with a PhD. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste-disposal system for NASA.
Mrs Latham: Got it, you’re a space plumber.
Howard: I’m gonna go hit the bar.
Mrs Latham: Tell me about these two.
Raj: Do him first.
Seibert: Dr. Hofstadter is representing our experimental physics program tonight. I think you’ll really enjoy hearing about his fascinating work.
Mrs Latham: Right. Fascinate me.
Leonard: Uh.. b.. d.. uh.. uh..
Mrs Latham: They’re cute when they’re about to wet themselves, aren’t they? I’ll make it easy for you. When you arrive at the lab in the morning, what sort of machine do you turn on?
Leonard: Coffee maker?
Mrs Latham: All right, Dr. Kooth… uh, whatever it is, you’re up.
Raj: It’s Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.
Amy (on webcam): Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake.
Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.
Amy: Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.
Sheldon: That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.
Amy: I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?
I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology.
Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?
Amy: Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.
Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.
Amy: And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.
Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.
Amy: Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department.
Sheldon: Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!
Amy: Or worse, it could go to the liberal arts.
Sheldon: No!
Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!
Scene: The party.
Leonard: On the bright side, I don’t think President Siebert will be making us go to any more fund-raisers.
Howard: It was so much easier at my bar mitzvah. The old people just came up to you, pinched your cheek and handed you a savings bond.
Raj: Oh, don’t be such gloomy Gusses. Look at the size of these shrimp! At what point do we start calling them lobsters?
Leonard: Face it, Raj, we crashed and burned tonight.
Mrs Latham: Oh, you didn’t do that badly.
Leonard: Mrs. Latham, the first machine I turn on in the morning is the helium-neon laser, ’cause it needs to warm up.
Mrs Latham: I no longer care, dear. But don’t worry, I really enjoyed meeting you this evening.
Leonard: You’re kidding. That was good for you? ‘Cause I was sweating through my T-shirt.
Mrs Latham: Excellent! There’s nothing I like better than making smart people feel ill at ease.
Leonard: Why?
Mrs Latham: Oh, I don’t know, it’s one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money. Watch. Hey! Who said you could eat that shrimp? See? Fun.
Sheldon (behind them): No, no, no, I’m just here for your money. I don’t want to shake anyone’s germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): I must confess I don’t understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there’s simply no talking to me, why did you call? I’m sorry, someone’s on the other line. Why don’t you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we’ll try again later. Cooper-Hofstadter residence. Go for Cooper.
Good morning, Mrs. Latham. Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husband’s ill-gotten gains. So, how much money are you going to give me? I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested. Well, if you’re not going to give me money, then why are you calling? She wants to talk to you. Who’s crazy now?
Leonard: Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don’t, I, I really don’t know why. Tonight? Sure, that’d be great. Okay, I’ll, I’ll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?
Leonard: Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up.
Sheldon: Okay, I see what’s happening.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.
Leonard: Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I’ve been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.
Sheldon: No, that can’t be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we’re best friends. And I got your back, Jack.
Secne: Mrs Latham’s car.
Leonard: That was a great meal.
Mrs Latham: I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Leonard: The only time I eat this well is when my mom’s in town and she takes me out to dinner.
Mrs Latham: Is that so?
Leonard: You kind of remind me of her. She enjoys making people uncomfortable, too.
Mrs Latham: Well, you remind me of a boy I dated in college.
Leonard: No kidding.
Mrs Latham: Sweet boy. Very smart. If only he’d had money.
Leonard: Yeah, um, so, hey, speaking of money, how are you feeling about helping the physics department get a cryogenic centrifugal pump and molecular sieve?
Mrs Latham: Well, I must say, you make a very persuasive case for it.
Leonard: Oh, good, good.
Mrs Latham: And I’m seriously considering taking it to the next level.
Leonard: Terrific. Great. What level is that? (She grabs him and kisses him) Okay, now you don’t remind me of my mom.
Scene: The apartment.
 
Sheldon: I’m sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?
Penny: Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching.
Sheldon: You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.
Howard: Hey. How was dinner?
Leonard: Swell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol?
Sheldon: No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks.
Penny: Leonard, are you okay?
Leonard: Um, I’m not sure.
Howard: What’s going on?
Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
Sheldon: Oh, wow!
Howard: Yes!
Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can’t keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
Leonard: She hit on me.
Howard: Wait-wait-wait. Are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard: I think so.
Howard: You lucky duck.
Penny: You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you?
Leonard: I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.
Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.
Leonard: Well, n-no, hold on a second, I’m not going to sleep with her.
Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
Leonard: Well, forget it! It’s not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!
Leonard: I repeat, not gonna happen.
Penny: What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain?
Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
Scene: The apartment, the following night.
Sheldon (on phone): Okay, fine. I’ll tell him. Leonard, Mrs. Latham’s car is here for you.
Leonard: I won’t be too late. I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.
Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you.
Leonard: What’s this?
Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.
Leonard: I am not going to have sex with her.
Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!
Leonard: Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment.
Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not?
Leonard: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
Penny: He still won’t shag the old lady, huh?
Sheldon: No. But thank you for asking.
Scene: Mrs Latham’s car.
Leonard: Hey. Hi.
Mrs Latham: Hello, Leonard. I hope you’re hungry.
Leonard: I’m very hungry. For food, right?
Mrs Latham: Oh, I made you uncomfortable last night. I’m so sorry.
Leonard: No, that’s okay.
Mrs Latham: No, it most certainly is not. Leonard, I’m making the donation to your department regardless of what happens between us.
Leonard: Really?
Mrs Latham: Well, of course. There’s no quid pro quo here. You and your colleagues are doing remarkable research, and you deserve the money.
Leonard: Oh. Then what was last night about?
Mrs Latham: I took a shot, sue me.
Leonard: Oh.
Mrs Latham: You’re a very handsome man, Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you.
Mrs Latham: It was foolish of me to think someone your age might ever be interested in someone like me.
Leonard: Oh, don’t say that. You’re a very attractive woman.
Mrs Latham: Oh, please.
Leonard: No, it’s true.
Mrs Latham: Well, aren’t you sweet. Just for the record, you’d remember a night with me for the rest of your life.
Leonard: I’m sure I would. But why, why, exactly?
Mrs Latham: You’re a very smart man. How do you think I landed such a rich husband?
Leonard: I hadn’t really given it much thought.
Mrs Latham: Well, think about it.
Leonard: Do you mean?
Mrs Latham: Yep. I’m that good.
Leonard: Oh, what the hell.
Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is returning home looking dishevelled.
Penny: Good morning, slut.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, nothing’s going on. Excuse me.
Sheldon: Are you just getting home?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That’s a good sign, right?
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard: No, I didn’t do it for the money.
Sheldon: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that’s what your roommate did to her.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you.
Leonard: No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first.
Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.
Leonard: Uh, I’m gonna go lie down.
Sheldon: That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.
Penny: Hey!
Sheldon: Another compliment! Learn to recognize them.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Seibert: Ah, there he is! The man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard: I didn’t do it for the money!
Seibert: Keep telling yourself that, it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Raj: Cool, buddy! That’s awesome!
Howard: How was she?
Episode begins with a “Previously on” sequence before first scene.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: What’s so funny?
Bernadette: Nothing. Just thinking about the noises people make during sex.
Howard: I do sometimes get a bit carried away, don’t I?
Bernadette: It’s cute. You sound a little like a drunken monkey. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Howard: You know it’s meant as a compliment.
Bernadette: That’s how I take it.
Howard: This is perfect. I hope this moment never ends.
Bernadette: Me too.
Howard: Well, gotta go.
Bernadette: Oh! Already? Why don’t you stay over?
Howard: Well, I’d love to, but you know my mother needs me in the morning.
Bernadette: Please, I think the woman can manage to put a wig on by herself.
Howard: It’s not just the wig. It’s pinning her hair up, drawing on her eyebrows. It’s a two-person job.
Bernadette: It’s just, when you leave right after we make love, it makes me feel cheap.
Howard: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. What can I do?
Bernadette: Stay.
Howard: Okay. Like, what, another five, ten minutes?
Bernadette: Go home.
Howard: Your call.
Bernadette: Howard, have you ever considered us living together?
Howard: Boy, I don’t know. You, me, Ma living under the same roof?
Bernadette: No, I mean just you and me. You can move in here, or we can find a place.
Howard: I’ve got a better solution.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: We wait for my mom’s heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.
Bernadette: Great.
Howard: Look at us planning a future together.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (voice): Who’s there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex criminals don’t have keys, Ma.
Mrs Wolowitz: Where were you so late?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette.
Mrs Wolowitz: I know what that means, I watch Dr. Phil. I hope to God you used a condom!
Howard: I’m not having this conversation with you, Ma!
Mrs Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!
Howard: Nobody has a disease!
Mrs Wolowitz: I hope not. I share a toilet with you. Is that what you want? To give your mother herpes?
Howard: That’s it. I don’t have to take this. Good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!
Mrs Wolowitz: Who’s there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: I’m still leaving! I just forgot my Claritin.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, what’s up?
Howard: I need a place to crash.
Leonard: Uh, sure. Why?
Howard: Big fight with my mother.
Leonard: Still arguing over which CSI is the best?
Howard: No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Leonard: Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof?
Howard: There’s no room. His sister is staying with him.
Leonard: Wait, wait. What?
Sheldon: Cocoa, Leonard. Focus. I’m down in the dumps here.
Leonard: Priya’s in town?
Howard: Yeah, some work thing. Anyway, my mother seems to think that Bernadette…
Leonard: Hold on. When did Priya get here?
Howard: I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye.
Sheldon: Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.
Howard: That’s not really necessary.
Sheldon: No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.
Howard: Thanks.
Sheldon: That’s what tertiary friends are for.
Scene: Raj’s Apartment. Leonard knocks on the door.
Raj (inside): Who is it?
Leonard: It’s Leonard.
Raj: You can’t come in.
Leonard: I just want to talk to her.
Raj: I forbid it.
Priya: Open the door, Rajesh.
Raj: You heard me. I forbidded it.
Priya: Forbidded it?
Raj: Forbaded it?
Priya: Get out of the way. What are you doing here?
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Priya: I have business in Los Angeles.
Leonard: Why didn’t you call?
Raj: Clearly, she was sending you a message to take a hike, Mike.
Priya: I’m sorry. I thought about calling, but I just wasn’t sure if seeing you was such a good idea.
Leonard: I know. Last time I came on too strong. Can we talk in private?
Raj: No!
Priya: Sure.
Raj: It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.
Howard: That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans.
Sheldon: Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
Priya: Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Why are you holding hands? I forbid you to hold hands.
Priya: Rajesh, you know Leonard and I spent the night together.
Raj: Yeah, but you were just sleeping, because I forboded you to have sex.
Leonard: The word is forbade.
Raj: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.
Priya: Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.
Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.
Raj: There it is, Priya. We’re Indian. We believe this stuff.
Priya: I think it also says that if you eat beef, you need to live with cows for three months and drink their urine.
Raj: Some of it makes sense, some of it’s crazy. My point is, you can’t go out with Leonard.
Penny (arriving): Who can’t go out with Leonard?
Raj: My sister.
Leonard: Penny, this is Raj’s sister, Priya.
Priya: It’s very nice to meet you.
Penny: Oh, yeah, you, too.
Sheldon: Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, do the dance with no pants.
Penny: Sheldon!
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Hey, Bernadette, can I talk to you for a second?
Bernadette: Sure.
Raj: Penny, you became disenchanted with Leonard as a lover. Would you please tell my sister why?
Howard: Listen, my mom’s going to Palm Springs to visit her sister. That’s two whole nights in a row I can sleep over with you all the way to morning. Unless the desert air dries out her sinuses, in which case I’ll have to schlep out there with the big humidifier.
Bernadette: That’s it? That’s your big solution to all of our problems? If your mom’s nose holds up, we get two nights together?
Howard: Isn’t that great?
Bernadette: No, it’s not great. You need to make a choice. Me or your mother.
Howard: Oh, uh…
Bernadette: Wrong answer.
Howard: No, wait. You didn’t let me finish.
Bernadette: I’m listening.
Howard: Uh…
Bernadette: Agh!
Scene: Penny’s apartment. (groans)
Amy: I came as quickly as I could.
Penny: Okay. Why?
Amy: To comfort you, of course. Sheldon told me about Leonard dating Rajesh’s sister. So I high-tailed it over here to pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
Penny: Amy, I’m fine.
Amy: You don’t have to be strong for me. Now let’s talk about Priya, that man-stealing bitch.
Penny: What?
Amy: In situations like this, best girlfriends are often catty about the other woman. Rawr.
Penny: Really, I am not upset about Leonard and Priya.
Amy: Oh. Then perhaps you don’t understand what’s going on. Your former boyfriend has replaced you with what appears to be a very suitable mate. Arguably much more suitable than you.
Penny: Oh. Well, good for him. Hey, what do you mean, more suitable?
Amy: Well, granted, Penny, your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious. But Priya is highly educated, she’s an accomplished professional, and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows.
Penny: Yeah. Okay, I got it. I got it. So, what is all that stuff?
Amy: This is a portable electroencephalogram. I’m doing research on emotions and brain activity. So when you start crying, I can see which region of the brain is activated. Then I’m going to stimulate the analogous area in the brain of a rhesus monkey and see if he cries. Cool, huh?
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment. Howard knocks on door.
Howard: I choose you.
Bernadette: Really?
Howard: Yep. I moved out of my mother’s house. Cord is cut. I’m all yours.
Bernadette: What did she say when you told her?
Howard: I don’t know. She hasn’t responded to my email yet.
Bernadette: This is so great. I love you, Howard.
Howard: I love you, too. So what’s for dinner?
Bernadette: Well, I don’t really have much of anything in the house.
Howard: That’s fine. Why don’t we go fool around in our bedroom? And then you can go shopping.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I thought maybe after we eat, we could see an early movie.
Priya: I’d love that.
Leonard: I love the way you say, I’d love that.
Raj: She says it the same way I do. I’d love that. Everybody in India says it that way. It’s not a big deal.
Priya: Rajesh, don’t be a child.
Raj: I’m not being a child. Leonard, I swear to God, if your sister ever comes to town, I shall have my way with her.
Leonard: My sister’s 38 and married.
Raj: All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.
Penny: Ooh, I thought I smelled pizza.
Sheldon: That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports.
Priya: Hi. Penny, right?
Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I don’t want to impose.
Sheldon: No, no. It’s not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.
Penny: If I had more than a box of baking soda in my refrigerator, I wouldn’t have to take that.
Amy: Hi, bestie.
Penny: Hi. So, um, Priya, you’re a lawyer, right?
Priya: I know. Pretty boring, huh?
Leonard: Oh, come on. It’s not boring at all. She’s currently helping set up a secondary derivative market which would allow overseas car firms to hedge their investments against potential advancements in battery technology. Hmm?
Priya: Thank you, Leonard. That doesn’t make it sound boring at all.
Amy: So, how you holding up?
Penny: I’m fine.
Amy: Oh, who are you kidding? She’s breathtaking.
Priya: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn.
Sheldon: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn’t do the audition.
Sheldon: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?
Priya: I took acting classes when I was at Cambridge. I loved it. We did Taming of the Shrew.
Leonard: Oh, wow. I love Taming of the Shrew. I did a paper on it in high school. Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
Priya: In his tongue.
Leonard: Whose tongue?
Priya: Yours, if you talk of tails, and so farewell.
Leonard: What, with my tongue in your tail?
Amy: I’m regretting my earlier cattiness. She is an absolute delight.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Wow.
Howard: Wow, indeed.
Bernadette: I can’t believe we’re finally living together.
Howard: Yeah. You know what would make this moment perfect?
Bernadette: What?
Howard: A little snack. You got any string cheese?
Bernadette: No. I, I might have some cheddar.
Howard: Not as good. You can’t make strings with it. Remind me to put it on your shopping list.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: You have hypo-allergenic detergent?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Better put it on the list. If you wash my underwear with regular soap, I get little red bumps on my tuchus.
Bernadette: Wait a second. I’m doing your laundry?
Howard: Well, honey, it’s not gonna do itself. Oh, before I forget, tomorrow morning, you’re driving me to the dentist.
Bernadette: I have to take you?
Howard: You don’t have to take me. You get to take me.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. Are you telling me your mother usually takes you to the dentist?
Howard: It’s not weird. There’s lots of kids there with their moms.
Bernadette: I can’t believe this.
Howard: What? It’s fun. If I have no cavities, afterwards, we go out for a treat.
Bernadette: All right, Howard, let’s get something straight right now. I’m not going to be your mother.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where did that come from?
Scene: Howard’s house.
 
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Who’s that? Is it a sex criminal?
Howard: Nobody wants to do that to you, Ma.
Mrs Wolowitz: Where were you?
Howard: Didn’t you read my email?
Mrs Wolowitz: You know I can’t turn on that ferkakta computer. I left you some brisket on the kitchen counter.
Howard: Thank you.
Mrs Wolowitz: Remember to floss after. We have the dentist in the morning!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
 
Penny: Oh, hey. What’s up?
Amy: I just wanted to check in on you.
Penny: Why?
Amy: It seems like the appropriate thing to do when one’s best friend finds herself replaced by a smart, beautiful woman with the smouldering sexuality of a crouched Bengal tiger.
Penny: I already told you, I’m okay with it. I mean, if anything, I’m quite pleased (starting to blub) that Leonard has found someone (starting to blub) that makes him so happy.
Amy: It’s okay, it’s okay.
Penny: Thank you.
Amy: Now, let’s get these electrodes attached and see what’s going on in that pretty little noggin of yours.
Penny: Okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I smell Chinese food.
Sheldon: It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping.
Penny: Are Leonard and Priya here?
Sheldon: They went to Catalina for the weekend.
Penny: Oh. Where’s Raj?
Sheldon: At home, forbidding it.
Penny: How about Howard?
Sheldon: I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.
Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I guess it’s just the two of us, huh?
Sheldon: Actually, it’s the three of us.
Amy (on webcam): What up, bestie? Good news. Thanks to you, I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.
Penny: Great.
Amy: So, you feeling better?
Penny: Not really.
Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who’s upset.
Sheldon: Right. I’ll make tea.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s not optional.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Buona sera, Luigi’s Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?
Leonard: Okay, I’m out of here.
Sheldon: Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?
Leonard: I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us?
Sheldon: But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
Leonard: Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight?
Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
Leonard: Just come with me to Raj’s.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t want to go to a party.
Leonard: It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.
Leonard: How come it’s not a party when we do it here?
Sheldon: Because we don’t throw parties.
Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not?
Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.
Leonard: I guess you’re right. See you later.
Sheldon: Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?
Leonard: Come with me to Raj’s and eat there.
Sheldon: I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?
Leonard: I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve.
Sheldon: But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.
Leonard: What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?
Sheldon: No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.
Credits sequence.
Sheldon: Oh, dear!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.
Leonard: So don’t watch TV. Read a book.
Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.
Leonard: Ugh!
Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon: Is it about me or the dead pixels?
Raj: Hey, you’re just in time. We made Tex-Mex.
Leonard: Oh, sounds great.
Sheldon: Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.
Priya: Hey, you.
Leonard: Hi.
Howard: That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth?
Sheldon: Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.
Priya: There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable.
Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.
Leonard: Just sit here.
Sheldon: Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.
Raj: Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.
Priya: Do you want a margarita, Sheldon?
Sheldon: A margarita? Where are we? What is happening?
Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get ya?
Sheldon: Water. Neat. With a little umbrella.
Penny: Where are all your friends?
Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?
Penny: Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy?
Sheldon: I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.
Penny: Oh, the horror.
Sheldon: Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?
Penny: Ugh!
Sheldon: Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?
Amy (on phone): Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were going to take a taxi home from Raj’s, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Yes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn’t look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it.
Amy: Wise.
Penny: There you go. Just like recovering alcoholics drink in the Caribbean.
Amy: Hi, bestie.
Penny: Oh. Hi, Amy. How you been?
Amy: Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.
Penny: Yeah, it’s a great time to be alive, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Don’t worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, Leonard is dating Priya. She is staying with Raj. That means you’re all probably gonna be hanging out there more.
Amy: Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin.
Penny: Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya.
Amy: Your flaring nostrils indicate otherwise.
Sheldon: Cluck-cluck-cluck.
Amy: Sheldon, look at me. I think it’s time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.
Sheldon: Leonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I’m the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.
Amy: I’m not saying that you’re not fun. You’re the most fun person I know.
Penny: A lot of people think I’m fun to be around.
Amy: Don’t be needy, bestie. That’s probably part of what chased Leonard away. What I am saying, Sheldon, is that your group is Leonard-centric. If it were a town, it would be Leonardville. If it were an Islamic nation, Leonardstan. If it were the birthplace of motion pictures, we’d all be singing Hooray for Leonardwood.
Penny: Ooh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you’d be called Leonard and the Leonards.
Amy: So needy.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What you doing?
Sheldon: I’m setting out snacks.
Leonard: You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight?
Sheldon: I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?
Leonard: You’re having people over?
Sheldon: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.
Leonard: Really? LeVar Burton’s coming here?
Sheldon: Possibly. I Tweeted him.
Leonard: Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek.
Sheldon: Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.
Leonard: Of course. Good night.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: But change is a part of life.
Leonard: It certainly is.
Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.
Leonard: I am leaving.
Sheldon: Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.
Leonard: Good-bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: And good-bye to you, sir. He’ll be back.
Leonard: Of course I’ll be back. I live here!
Scene: The apartment, later.
Sheldon: Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won’t be joining us so let’s get started. Um, I thought we’d begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we’re here. Okay. I’m Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?
Stuart: Um. Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.
Sheldon: That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack?
Zack: I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me?
Sheldon: Of course. Barry?
Barry: I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?
Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.
Barry: One more question…
Sheldon: Yes, you must be present to win.
Zack: Okay, I’m ready. I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… oh, crap, why is this so hard?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Oh, hey.
Bernadette: Hi.
Amy: Yo, P-dog.
Penny: What’s up?
Bernadette: We’re here to kidnap you for a girls’ night out.
Amy: Parenthetical, the term kidnap is being used playfully.
Penny: I kind of figured that.
Amy: Good. Now put this pillowcase over your head.
Penny: No.
Amy: She used to be much more fun, until Leonard punched her in the heart.
Bernadette: We just thought you might want to go out and have a good time, maybe go dancing.
Penny: Oh. Gee, thanks, but I’m not really in the mood.
Amy: You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai.
Penny: Okay, look, if I agree to go out with you guys, will you promise to stop pestering me about Leonard and Priya?
Amy: Yes.
Bernadette: Sure.
Penny: All right. I’ll go change. Come on in.
Amy: If you’d have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn’t have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber.
Scene: The apartment.
Zack: Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There’s no one around, so naturally, I’m free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.
Sheldon: Question. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub?
Barry: Weally? That’s your question?
Zack: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.
Zack: Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?
Sheldon: Surprisingly, yes.
Zack: Nice. Now, what exactly are toes?
Stuart: Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.
Zack: Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice…
Sheldon: The water level rose.
Zack: No.
Sheldon: Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.
Barry: Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue.
Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.
Barry: Does yours have wet bweasts in it?
Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.
Zack: So, long story short, I nailed her.
Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka!
Zack: No, I always shout, Holy Moly! Don’t know why. Just do.
Sheldon: All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who’s ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight’s selections include ColecoVision’s Smurf Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle, Atari’s Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I’m fun.
Barry: That all sucks the big haiwy meatball. How about I go get the kawaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the woof off this place?
Zack: Great, I’ll make a beer run.
Stuart: And I’ll take a shower. We’ll meet back here in fifteen.
Barry: Check.
Sheldon: I’m unhappy.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Leonard: This is delicious. Where’d you learn to make chili?
Priya: When I was at university in England, my flatmate was from Texas.
Leonard: I hope she wasn’t anything like my flatmate from Texas.
Priya: Sheldon is a bit quirky, isn’t he?
Howard: Oh, please. That crazy bastard’s looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.
Leonard: Did you know that, per our roommate agreement, I have to wash my feet before I get in the shower? And not in the sink. We each have special buckets.
Howard: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God, you’re kidding.
Raj: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said, maybe if you weren’t so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista.”
Leonard: Bam. Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.
Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to a rare and wonderful Sheldon-free evening.
Leonard: Hear, hear.
Howard: Cheers. You realize that’s the first time we’ve ever done that without having to listen to Sheldon tell us why it’s called a toast?
Priya: Why is it called a toast?
Leonard: Oh, the ancient Romans put spiced toast in their punch bowls.
Raj: Sheldon tells it better.
Leonard: He kind of does.
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: Aw, hell, I miss him.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing?
Bernadette: We were hoping you’d know a place.
Amy: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young, beautiful bodies sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.
Penny: Oh, yeah, I know that place. What do you think?
Amy: That should display enough of your bosom to attract a new mate, or a hungry infant.
Penny: Okay, let’s go through this one more time. Just because Leonard has a new girlfriend does not mean I need to go out and hook up with some guy.
Bernadette: But you could if you wanted to, right?
Penny: Well, yeah, I guess.
Bernadette: Pick out the hottest guy in the room, take him home, do unspeakable things to him, then kick him to the curb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heinie?
Penny: More or less.
Amy: What’s that like?
Penny: I don’t know. It’s fun while you’re doing it. And then after, it’s mostly embarrassment, self-loathing and regret.
Bernadette: I would take that deal all day long.
Penny: Yeah, well, it’s not gonna happen tonight. You know, for the first time in my life, I am not in a relationship, and I’m totally okay with it.
Amy: You know, if being on your own is new to you, I’d be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies I’ve perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush?
Penny: Um, no.
Amy: You should get one.
Bernadette: What’s that?
Amy: It appears to be something preserved between two pieces of acrylic.
Penny: Oh, it’s a snowflake from the North Pole. Leonard gave it to me last year.
Bernadette: Oh, God, that is so romantic.
Penny: Yeah, it was.
Bernadette: Leonard’s really one of a kind.
Amy: Saying that while holding a snowflake is a little bit heavy-handed, don’t you think?
Penny: Let me see that. Oh, screw it. I can deal with a little self-loathing. Let’s go find me a heinie to bite.
Amy: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.
Bernadette: That’s kind of creepy.
Scene: The apartment. Barry and Zack are singing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”
 
Stuart: Anybody do Walking on Sunshine yet?
Sheldon: No.
Stuart: Dibs.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Priya: I’m sorry, Sheldon bought a loom and learned how to weave?
Leonard: He actually got pretty good. He made us all matching serapes.
Raj: I still wear mine when there’s a nip in the air.
Priya: Now, was this before or after he adopted the 25 cats?
Leonard: Long before the cats. I think it was around the time he tried to declare our apartment a sovereign nation. I still have some of the currency.
Sheldon (outside): (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends.
Howard: I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.
Raj: Come on in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies.
Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Priya: Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?
Sheldon: Are there beans in it?
Priya: Yes.
Sheldon: Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.
Priya: Sheldon, do you want some or not?
Sheldon: Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered.
Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.
All: Cheers.
Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?
Priya: Actually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls.
Sheldon: She’s also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is.
Scene: The apartment. Stuart is singing “Walking on Sunshine”. Barry and Zack are doing backing vocals.
 
LeVar Burton: Hello? I… Oh, I don’t think so. I am so done with Twitter.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Priya: Morning.
Leonard: Morning.
Priya: Sleep okay?
Leonard: Mm-hmm. Great. Hey, can I ask you something?
Priya: Sure.
Leonard: Last night, me wanting to try that stuff out of the Kama Sutra, was that fun for you or kinda racially insensitive?
Priya: Yeah, just because you’re in bed with an Indian woman, you think that gives you permission to use crazy positions from an ancient Indian love manual?
Leonard: Hey, if you can find a book called weird sex with white boys, I’d be okay with that.
Priya: No, you have such beautiful eyes. Have you ever thought about getting contacts?
Leonard: I tried in the seventh grade. I could never get used to them.
Priya: Oh, that’s too bad.
Leonard: Yeah, if I had contacts I would have been the coolest debate club president ever to be stuffed into his own cello case.
Priya: If you had them on now, you could see what we’re going to do next.
Leonard: Th-th-th-that’s okay. I can infer from context.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, Raj, wanna see a new magic trick I’ve been working on?
Sheldon: Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you’re just an engineer, but that doesn’t mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else’s Nobel prize acceptance speech.
Raj: Is the trick making him disappear? Sure, let’s see it.
Howard: Here, shuffle these.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: Now spread them out on the table face down. Pick one, look at it.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: Now remember your card, put it back in the deck.
Sheldon: Is it any wonder he doesn’t have a doctorate?
Howard: Remind me, what’s your birthday?
Raj: October sixth.
Howard: Okay, October is the tenth month. So ten, one plus zero is one, plus six is seven. Turn over the seventh card.
Raj: How about that!
Howard: Is that your card?
Raj: Yes, it is. Very cool!
Sheldon: It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?
Howard: A magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.
Sheldon: Fine. Give me a second.
Howard: You ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?
(Leonard enters, bumps into random man)
 
Random man: Oh, hey!
Leonard: Sorry! Oop!
(Continues across room bumping into nearly everyone in the room and knocking many things over)
Leonard: Sorry! Pardon me! Oh, I’m so sorry! My fault! Check it out. I just got contacts.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
 
Penny: One, two, three, four, five. No way.
Howard: That’s your card, right?
Penny: Seven of clubs! That is amazing!
Sheldon: It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.
Howard: Oh, really? So how did I do it?
Sheldon: Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.
Howard: I thought you had more important things to think about.
Sheldon: I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.
Penny: Oh, big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun.
Sheldon: Not knowing is part of the fun. Was that the motto of your community college?
Leonard: Hey, guys, what do you think? Priya took me clothes shopping.
Penny: Hey, you look great. Good for you, Priya. I could never get that stupid hoodie off him when we were… well, you look great.
Leonard: Thank you.
Priya: Lets go hang everything up.
Leonard: Yeah, good. New contacts. I should have done this years ago.
Howard: So you finally getting used to them doing it on a daily basis?
Penny: I’m not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants.
Howard: Yeah, I was talking to Raj.
Penny: Oopsy.
Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion.
Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I’ll do the trick with that.
Sheldon: So you’re saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: I’m saying believe in magic, you muggle.
Penny: You know, well, I’m happy Leonard’s found someone. Not that anybody asked.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Priya: How many Star Trek uniforms do you have?
Leonard: Just two. Everyday and dress.
Priya: Uh-huh. Listen, we need to talk about something.
Leonard: Oh, my god, you’re breaking up with me! Why would you take me out shopping and then break up with me? That is so cruel.
Priya: Leonard, I’m not breaking up with you.
Leonard: Oh, okay. So, what’s up?
Priya: It’s a little weird, your ex-girlfriend hanging out here all the time.
Leonard: I know. I usually never see my ex-girlfriends, unless their hard drives crash.
Priya: I’m just saying, how would you feel if I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend?
Leonard: Um, not great, I guess. But Penny and I are just friends.
Priya: I don’t care. This is a woman you have slept with. If you want her around, then I have to wonder if maybe you’re not ready to move on.
Leonard: No, no-no-no, I’m ready! I gave up the gift of sight for you. If that’s not moving on, what is?
Priya: You need to cut the cord with Penny.
Leonard: Oh. Okay.
Priya: You don’t sound very confident.
Leonard: No, no, I’m confident. It’s not like I’m unfamiliar with the get lost conversation. Although, this will be the first time I’ll be the one saying it.
Priya: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Leonard: Sure. Oh, god, you smell so good. Of course, that could just be my other senses getting stronger. Hypothetically, if I had access To a Lieutenant Uhura uniform, would you wear it?
Priya: Leonard, it is a source of great pain to me and my family that my brother has that outfit in his wardrobe. Can we not discuss it?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I’m, never mind.
Scene: The apartment
Howard: And was your card the jack of diamonds?
Penny: Oh, unbelievable! Know how he did it yet?
Sheldon: Um…
Penny: Aw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can’t figure out how I got his nose.
Howard: You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!
Penny: Hey, I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, please, if I don’t know, you don’t know. That’s axiomatic.
Penny: Come here. (Whispers to Howard)
Howard: You’re right.
Penny: Not too bad for someone who doesn’t know what axiomatic means.
Scene: The laundry room.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Penny: Hey, you. What happened with the contacts?
Leonard: One of them’s upstairs. The other one sort of slipped back into my skull.
Penny: Hey, is that one of the new shirts Priya got you?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: You don’t wanna wash that.
Leonard: No?
Penny: No, that’s silk. Seriously, what would you do without me?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: You know, I gotta tell you, I think you got a real winner with Priya.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too.
Penny: She seems really sweet. Believe me, you do not want to take that for granted. There are a lot of bitches out there.
Leonard: Yeah, bitches are the worst.
Penny: All right, well I’ll see you later.
Leonard: Uh, Penny, there’s something I have to tell you.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Okay, uh, how do I put this? Um, are you familiar with Darwin’s observation of the finches in the Galapagos Islands?
Penny: Did they make a movie about it?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Then no.
Leonard: All right, well, anyway, Darwin observed that when two groups of finches competed over the same food source, eventually one of them would evolve a different beak shape so they could feed on something else.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So what do you think we can learn from that behaviour that we can apply to our own lives?
Penny: Uh, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?
Leonard: Sure, that has birds in it.
Penny: It’s fun talking to you, Leonard, I always learn stuff.
Leonard: I’m sorry, but I’m gonna count that.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Priya: Do you really have to wear that in bed?
Leonard: Yeah. The doctor didn’t want me to rub my eye during the night. It was either this or one of those giant neck cones.
Priya: So did you get to talk to Penny?
Leonard: Oh, yes. Indeed, I did.
Priya: And?
Leonard: She completely understood everything I said. Case closed.
Priya: Was she upset?
Leonard: Maybe, but that’s not my problem. She’s not my girlfriend, you are.
Priya: I hope you weren’t cruel to her.
Leonard: Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way?
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.
Leonard: I am not opening that door, Sheldon.
Sheldon: As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?
Leonard: Yep.
Sheldon: (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?
Leonard: (Not looking) Nope.
Sheldon: Drat. Is this your card?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I’ll be right back.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is alone.
Sheldon: Pick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.
Leonard: Whatcha doin’?
Sheldon: I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick.
Leonard: What’s up with the infrared cameras?
Sheldon: I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.
Leonard: Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory?
Sheldon: Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.
Leonard: Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime.
Sheldon: Relax, we’re not under attack right now.
Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving before the black helicopters get here.
Sheldon: And is this my card? Rats! I wonder if Howard used a radioactive tracer. Where am I going to find Uranium-235 this time of night? Come on, Craigslist.
Scene: A restaurant
Leonard: Is it racist that I took you to an Indian restaurant?
Priya: It’s okay, I like Indian food.
Leonard: Or as you probably call it back home, food.
Priya: Why didn’t you wear your contacts? Don’t you like them?
Leonard: No, no, I do. It’s just I knew I was having curry tonight and I only want one part of my body to burn at a time.
Priya: You know, my company offered me a position here in Los Angeles.
Leonard: Does that mean you’d relocate here permanently?
Priya: Maybe. What do you think?
Leonard:Oh,  I love it. Oh, that’s great!
Penny (knocking on window): Hi! Hi! Just hang on.
Leonard: Small world.
Priya: You did talk to her, didn’t you?
Leonard: Of course, I did. I talked and talked and talked.
Penny: Hey! Look at Leonard in his fancy-ass grownup clothes. Way to go, Priya. For once, he doesn’t look like a mannequin in the boys’ department. Hey, did he tell you I saved the silk shirt?
Priya: No, he did not.
Penny: He was gonna throw it in the washing machine with his Spiderman underwear. That’s our Lenny, huh?
Priya: Yes, that’s our Lenny.
Penny: So, how’s the food here? Oh, wow, that is really, really good. Oh, I’m sorry. You guys are on a date. We can hang out anytime. Have fun.
Leonard: Bye.
Priya: Good night.
Penny: Oh, that’s, hot, hot, hot, hot! Whoo! It really sneaks up on ya, huh? All right, I gotta go.
Leonard: It is pretty spicy.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it.
Howard: I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj?
Raj: Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down?
Sheldon: All right. Pick a card.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.
Howard: What’s with the wand and the beep?
Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.
Raj: These cards have barcodes on them. The wand is a reader. It’s transmitting to your phone.
Sheldon: I said, ta-da. Show’s over.
Howard: That’s pathetic. Let me show you how a real magician does it. Raj, take a card. Don’t let me see it.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: Three of clubs. (It isn’t)
Raj: Son of a gun, you’re blowing my mind!
Howard: Bippity-boppity-boo-yah!
Sheldon: That does it. I’m getting uranium.
Raj: You ever gonna tell him?
Howard: Maybe. When it stops being fun.
Raj: So never.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hey, I was just on my way to work.
Leonard: Oh, okay, it’s not important. It can wait.
Penny: No, it’s all right. Walk me down. So, what’s up?
Leonard: Uh, I kind of have a problem I was hoping you could help me with.
Penny: Sure, anything.
Leonard: Move out.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Well, uh, not far. Hey, if you ever wanna start a family, La Cañada has some great schools.
Penny: Okay, I’m not moving anywhere. What the hell is this all about?
Leonard: Why does it have to be about anything? Can’t a fella ask his buddy to relocate, no questions asked?
Penny: Oh, for god’s sake, Leonard, this is about Priya, isn’t it? She doesn’t want me hanging out with you.
Leonard: Yes. There, I said it.
Penny: Okay, look, I happen to like your girlfriend.
Leonard: And she likes you.
Penny: No, she doesn’t.
Leonard: Not really, no.
Penny: It doesn’t matter. Look, I promise from now on I will keep my distance from you.
Leonard: Well, now, hold on. What kind of distance are we talking about? Because we are neighbours. I mean, I can hear the toilet flush in your apartment.
Penny: You can hear my toilet flush?
Leonard: I don’t listen for it, but it’s nice to know everything’s okay with your plumbing. The building’s plumbing.
Penny: Leonard, I get it. You’re in a new relationship now. And I’m happy for you. So why don’t we just shake hands and part friends?
Leonard: Well, now hold on, how about this? How about we still hang out, but on the down-low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard: No. I actually felt kinda silly just saying on the down-low.
Penny: Good-bye, Leonard.
Leonard: Penny, wait. (Bumps into door) Damned contacts.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Incoming.
Raj: Hi!
Howard: Hey!
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Why so glum, chum?
Sheldon: Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.
Howard: Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet?
Sheldon: Figure out the magic trick yet?
Howard: Want me to tell you how to do it?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: I’ll show you one more time. Raj?
Sheldon: Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.
Howard: All right. (Raj looks over Sheldon’s shoulder. Holds two fingers over his heart). Two of hearts.
Sheldon: I hate you.
Howard: Yeah, he’s gonna win the Nobel prize.
Scene: The apartment
Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?
Policeman: Here. Breathe into this bag.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: They stole everything, Leonard, everything.
Policeman: Are you the roommate?
Leonard: Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter. What happened?
Policeman: Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.
Leonard: Oh, my God, what did they get?
Sheldon: What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.
Leonard: You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.
Policeman: Into the bag.
Sheldon: They took my battle ostrich.
Leonard: Oh, no, not Glenn?
Sheldon: Yes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved.
Policeman: Good luck, fellas.
Leonard: Thank you, officer.
Sheldon: Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?
Policeman: Mr. Cooper, there’s nothing…
Sheldon: Doctor Cooper.
Policeman: Seriously?
Leonard: Not the kind with access to drugs.
Policeman: Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora.
Sheldon: That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?
Policeman: What?
Sheldon: You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice?
Policeman: No.
Leonard: Thank you, officer.
Sheldon: It’s all gone. All gone.
Leonard: I’m really sorry, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.
Leonard: I’m on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.
Sheldon: See if Raj is done with Pilates.
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It’s almost as if it was a huge waste of time.
Howard: Whoever did this knew what they were doing. He got in and out of your account in under 15 minutes, transferred all your stuff, and didn’t leave a digital fingerprint.
Sheldon: Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.
Raj: Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things.
Sheldon: Can we trust him?
Raj: I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.
Howard: Whoa! Somebody’s auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle!
Sheldon: No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.
Penny: Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.
Sheldon: That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game.
Raj: Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.
Penny: Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!
Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
Penny: Just say thank you.
Sheldon: I thought I just did.
Penny: All right. See you later.
Priya: Oh! Hello.
Penny: Oh, hi! I was just dropping off a cheesecake to Sheldon. He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that’s useful in a make-believe place.
Priya: I don’t know what that means.
Penny: Yeah, well, sadly, I do.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Did you know last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading at the beach? Can you believe that?
Bernadette: I feel like I’m supposed to say that bitch, but I don’t have enough information.
Penny: I am the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. And he was so phobic about stepping on medical waste, I had to carry him to the water.
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
Penny: So what’s the thanks I get for turning Leonard into quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend.
Amy: I think you’re on.
Bernadette: Oh. That bitch!
Penny: Want some coffee liqueur on your ice cream?
Amy: Ah, here’s the alcohol and drug peer pressure Mother warned me about. I was starting to think it was never going to happen. Yes, please.
Penny: You guys should’ve seen Leonard when I first met him. There was no eye contact. He was either looking up at the ceiling, or down at his shoes.
Amy: I’m drunk.
Penny: You know, for the first couple of months, whenever I would take off my bra, he would giggle and say, oh boy, my breast friends.
Bernadette: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m never speaking to Priya again.
Penny: No, don’t do that. No reason to be mean to her.
Amy: This may be the alcohol talking, but I believe there is. Are you familiar with the recent study of Tanzanian chimpanzees by Nishida and Hosaka out of Kyoto University?
Penny: No, but I can name all the Kardashians.
Amy: Primates, such as ourselves, have a natural instinct to ostracize ill-mannered members of the troop. Bernadette’s urge to shun, scowl or fling her waste at Priya is hard-wired into her DNA.
Bernadette: I don’t have an urge to fling my waste.
Amy: Believe me, it’s there, we all have it. Hit me with some more booze, and I’ll show you.
Scene: The apartment
Howard: All right, here we are, this is the tavern where all the black-market weapon trades go down.
Raj: I don’t think my character should be in a place like this. Everyone’s undressing her with their eyes.
Howard: Maybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up.
Leonard: Okay, what exactly are we looking for?
Howard: Redheaded troll, goes by the name of Glumly. According to the message boards, if you want to move stolen goods and it’s after school hours, he’s your guy.
Priya: Leonard, is this going to take much longer? I thought we were going to spend some time together.
Leonard: Uh, we are. In the meantime, you’re welcome to whip up a quick character and join us.
Priya: Seriously?
Leonard: Well, you have to put in a credit card number, but it’s fun.
Priya: Maybe I should just go home.
Howard: Our troll just walked in! I got him!
Leonard: We got him. We’re almost done.
Howard: So, how do you guys want to play this?
Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.
Raj: Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.
Sheldon: I don’t care! I’m losin’ it, man!
Leonard: Why don’t we play this smart? Try a little good goblin, bad goblin.
Priya: Oh, dear Lord.
Howard: Nah, I think we have to be more subtle.
Raj: Okay, I see where this is going. Fine, I’ll have sex with him.
Leonard: That’s not where it was going.
Raj: Good, because I would hate that.
Priya: Leonard, you’re busy, let’s talk tomorrow.
Leonard: Oh, wait. Hang on. Are you upset?
Priya: No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.
Leonard: Good, good. I’ll tell you what happens.
Sheldon: And people think I don’t get sarcasm.
Scene: The hallway.
Amy: Well, well, well. Look who it is.
Penny: Okay, be nice.
Priya: Hello.
Penny: Hi. We’re just heading out for a drink.
Amy: Because I do that now.
Bernadette: Count your blessings you’re not a Tanzanian chimp.
Priya: What?
Penny: Don’t listen to her, she’s had a lot of ice cream. Do you want to join us?
Priya: Oh, thank you, but I have work to do.
Amy: Four women walk down the stairs, how many reach the lobby?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Did your sister say anything when you got home last night?
Raj: Oh, no, don’t put me in the middle of this. I’m not going to be your go-between.
Leonard: Come on, help me out. Am I in trouble?
Raj: There’s no reason to worry.
Leonard: That’s a relief.
Raj: I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.
Howard: Good news, gentlemen, I found our hacker.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman.
Sheldon: I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!
Howard: Thanks. Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.
Raj: What else do we know about him?
Howard: Well, quite a bit, actually.
Leonard: I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents.
Howard: Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house.
Sheldon: Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.
Leonard: Hold on, you’re thinking of going there?
Sheldon: Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.
Leonard: Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?
Sheldon: I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.
Leonard: No one’s getting tortured.
Sheldon: Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?
Raj: I totally had one of those.
Sheldon: Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?
Raj: I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after?
Sheldon: Sure.
Howard: Also, tonight’s the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and
watching Wheel of Fortune, so If we could leave at eight, we’d still be able to regain our birthright at ten, ten thirty latest.
Sheldon: Fine. Leonard?
Leonard: Oh, geez, I don’t know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row.
Raj: Oh, come on, man. Bros before… my sister.
Leonard: Aw, screw it. I’m in.
Raj: Me, too.
Howard: And me.
Sheldon: One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.
Scene: Howard’s house
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I thought this delay was so you could watch Wheel of Fortune with your mother.
Howard: I am. She’s just bleaching her moustache. Check it out. Hey, Ma! Before and After! Four words, 17 letters, two N’s, one V.
Howard’s Mother (off): Fanny pack of wolves.
Leonard: That’s incredible.
Howard: Yeah, she’s kind of a Wheel savant.
Leonard (phone rings): Uh-oh, that’s Priya.
Raj: Sitar music for her ringtone is not cool, dude.
Leonard: Hit the… Hey, sweetie. Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m gonna be working late. I, I, I miss you, too. Okay, sure, I’ll call you when I get home. Okay, bye-bye.
Raj: Very nice. You lie to my sister.
Howard: That’s the nicest thing he does to your sister.
Raj (phone rings): Oh, guess who.
Leonard: Cover for me.
Raj: Hello, Priya. What’s up? How would I know if Leonard’s at work or not? Don’t be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you’re going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. You owe me.
Howard: New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D’s, three O’s.
Howard’s Mother (off): Whoopi and Rube Goldberg!
Sheldon: That’s uncanny.
Howard: I know. It’s her superpower. Well, that and jiggling her arm fat.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: I can’t believe we’re going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.
Howard: Yeah, we’re kind of bad-asses, aren’t we?
Leonard: Totally.
Raj: Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning?
Sheldon: Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.
Raj: Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive.
Sheldon: I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?
Raj: I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.
Sheldon: This says Beyonce Bootylicious Dance Mix.
Raj: It’s a re-writable CD. Just put it in.
Howard: Beyonce? Really?
Raj: She’s curvy and she owns it. I like that.
Leonard (as Ride of the Valkyries begins): Oh, yeah, I’m feeling it.
Sheldon: We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.
Scene: Stuck in a traffic tailback.
Howard: Next time we go to kick someone’s ass, we take the train.
Sheldon: I always prefer the train.
Scene: Outside Todd Zarnecki’s house.
Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go.
Sheldon: Coming.
Howard: Why did you bring that?
Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.
Leonard: Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody.
Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.
Leonard: Come on.
Sheldon: Can I at least kick down the door?
Leonard: You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)
Voice Inside: Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
Raj: Don’t say your doom. Who opens the door for their doom?
Sheldon: Good point. Basket of puppies.
Huge man (opening door): What?
Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Are you Todd Zarnecki?
Todd: Yeah. Who are you?
Sheldon: I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.
Todd: I don’t think so. Let me see that.
Sheldon: Careful. That’s a collectible.
Todd: I know. I’ve always wanted one. (Closes door)
Sheldon: Well, he’s even more cunning than we thought.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: You know, the joke’s on him. Without the certificate of authenticity, that bat’leth is worthless.
Howard: Yeah, he walked right into our trap.
Raj: Legoland seems like a hollow dream now.
Leonard: Oh-oh.
Raj: What’s the matter?
Leonard: Something’s wrong, I’m not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?
Sheldon: Of course.
Raj: Very basic.
Howard: 19th-century technology.
Leonard: Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: No, not a clue.
Leonard: Well, we’d better call somebody to come pick us up.
Sheldon: It’d be swell if they had a train.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: No problem. So, Leonard, I think it’s interesting you didn’t call your girlfriend to come get you.
Leonard: Uh, I kind of told her I was working.
Penny: So you lied to her. Also interesting.
Leonard: Yeah, she doesn’t really understand the whole Warcraft adventure-role-playing thing.
Penny: Well, doesn’t matter if she gets it, as long as she’s pretty.
Howard: This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?
Penny: So did you at least get Sheldon’s fake stuff back?
Sheldon: No. We failed in our noble quest.
Penny: How come?
Sheldon: Todd Zarnecki was mean.
Penny: All right. Hang on.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: I’m gonna show you how we finish a quest in Nebraska. Oh. Beyonce. (Ride of the Valkyries) This ain’t no Beyonce.
Scene: Todd Zarnecki’s house. Todd answers the door.
Todd: Now what?
Penny: Give my friend his stuff back.
Todd: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Penny: Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.
Todd: Okay.
Sheldon: We did it! I said, we.
Scene: The lobby.
Priya: Oh, hold the door.
Penny: Oh, hi.
Priya: Hi.
Penny: Going to see Leonard?
Priya: Yes. How have you been?
Penny: Fine. You?
Priya: Very well, thank you.
(They ascend all three flights of stairs in silence.)
Penny: Alright, well great seeing you.
Priya: Yeah, you too.
Penny: Amy’s right. I do want to fling my poop at her.
Scene: A bookstore.
Dr. Brian Greene: My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there’s a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.
Sheldon: Hysterical.
Amy: I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly.
Sheldon: Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.
Greene: You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle.
Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.
Amy: Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.
Amy: Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups.
Sheldon: Forgive my language, but poppycock.
Amy: What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish?
Sheldon: Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?
Amy: Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.
Sheldon: I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?
Greene: Yes?
Sheldon: You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.
Greene: Yes, in part.
Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?
Greene: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing on a Nintendo Wii.
Leonard: Nice shot.
Sheldon: Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.
Leonard: Perfect.
Sheldon: I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?
Leonard: Shooting at a target?
Sheldon: With what?
Leonard: An arrow.
Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.
Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.
Leonard: Really? How could you tell?
Sheldon: She was attempting to engage me in gossip.
Leonard: You don’t say?
Sheldon: Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.
Leonard: So, what’s the gossip?
Sheldon: Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.
Leonard: Fine, don’t tell me.
Sheldon: All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.
Leonard: Oh. That’s too bad. I wonder what happened.
Sheldon: Mm, it’s hard to say. I can only speculate based on the data I collected watching my parents’ marriage implode. In that case, the woman dives into religion, while the man dives into a bottle-blonde bartender who tries to buy my love with action figures. Oop! Out of arrows.
Leonard: Boy, you sure get your money’s worth out of these games.
Scene: The bathroom.
Leonard: – Priya, can I come in?
Priya: Sure.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Priya: What?
Leonard: It’s okay. You didn’t know. I’ll take care of it.
Priya: What, what did I do?
Leonard: Sheldon doesn’t allow flossing that close to the mirror.
Priya: You’re kidding.
Leonard: It’s a splatter thing. There’s a little piece of tape on the floor you’re supposed to stand behind.
Priya: That’s madness.
Leonard: I know. Just do it. There’s a big inspection coming up, and I don’t want to lose my TV privileges.
Priya: You really need to let me take a look at that roommate agreement one of these days.
Leonard: Mm, I don’t know. I get a lawyer, he gets a lawyer, it’s just easier to stand behind the tape.
Priya: Oh, by the way, a fellow at work said I could use his Dodger tickets this weekend. Does that sound like fun?
Leonard: Yeah! Dodgers are baseball, right?
Priya: You’ll need to explain the game to me.
Leonard: Mm, it’s complicated, but as I remember it, the essentials are, get chosen last, get hit by the ball, cry, go home.
Priya: Well, regardless, I’ve got four tickets, and I was thinking we can bring Bernadette and Howard. She’s really interesting, and I bet I can get used to him.
Leonard: Well, it might not be a great idea to invite those two.
Priya: Why not?
Leonard: Don’t tell anybody I told you, but I heard she might be breaking up with him.
Priya: Oh, too bad. Although I do know one person for whom that’s good news.
Leonard: Really? Who?
Priya: My brother. He’s got a big crush on Bernadette.
Leonard: What? You’re kidding!
Priya: Mmm. I found poems he wrote about her. Very disturbing. Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Leonard: Wow, that’s hard to believe.
Priya: Yes. And for years, everyone in my family was convinced that he was the clarinet enthusiast. Hmm. What’s that piece of tape?
Leonard: Oh, that one doesn’t apply to you. You sit.
Scene: The lobby.
Leonard: Hey!
Penny: Hey! How’s it going?
Leonard: Not too bad. Did you hear about Howard and Bernadette?
Penny: ‘Course I heard about it. How did you hear about it?
Leonard: I heard about it from Sheldon. He got it from Amy.
Penny: Oh, damn it. I told Amy that in the strictest confidence. Boy, some people are such blabbermouths. Well, whatever, I’m sure Bernadette can do better.
Leonard: Do you think a sexually ambivalent Indian astrophysicist with selective mutism and alcohol issues is better than a hundred-pound Jewish guy who lives with his mom?
Penny: You are kidding. Raj likes Bernadette?
Leonard: I didn’t say Raj. Who said Raj?
Penny: Okay, give. How do you know? Did he tell you?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Well, then who?
Leonard: I can’t say.
Penny: Priya told you. What a little gossip. You know, not an attractive quality in a woman, Leonard. Not judging, just my opinion.
Leonard: Well, The point is, if this got out, it would destroy Howard and Raj’s friendship.
Penny: You don’t have to worry. Unlike Amy and Priya, I know how to keep a secret.
Leonard: You’re the one who told Amy in the first place.
Penny: In confidence!
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy. How are you?
Mrs Koothrappali (on webcam): We’re very rich in a very poor country. So, all in all, can’t complain.
Dr Koothrappali: So, Priya, how are enjoying staying with your brother?
Priya: It’s fine. But if I’m going to stay in Los Angeles much longer, I think I should get my own place.
Mrs Koothrappali: Why? Is Rajesh not making you feel comfortable? Rajesh, why aren’t you making your sister comfortable?
Raj: I am making her comfortable. Besides, she’s not sleeping here half the time anyway.
Dr Koothrappali: What? Where are you sleeping, Priya?
Priya: It’s a figure of speech, Daddy. It means I-I work late.
Mrs Koothrappali: Please tell me you’re not dating an American. I knew this would happen. Rajesh, are you letting your sister date that little Howard boy?
Dr Koothrappali: Now, hold on. If she is dating an American, that’s not a bad way to go. He’s Jewish. Those chaps are very successful, and they don’t drink a lot.
Raj: It, it doesn’t matter. Howard has a girlfriend.
Priya: For now.
Raj: What does that mean?
Priya: I’ll tell you later.
Raj: Is something going on with him and Bernadette?
Mrs Koothrappali: Who’s Bernadette?
Dr Koothrappali: Doesn’t sound Jewish.
Mrs Koothrappali: You can’t tell by that. Winona Ryder is Jewish.
Dr Koothrappali: Okay, we’re getting off the subject. Rajesh, I want you to try harder to make your sister feel welcome.
Priya: Thank you, Daddy.
Raj: Don’t worry. Everything I have, I share with her. Including my friend Leon…
Priya: Good night, Mummy. Good night, Daddy.
Raj: Oh, my God, I think you broke my toe!
Priya: Well you should have kept your mouth shut.
Raj: Fair enough. Now, what’s up with Clarinet? Bernadette!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about Dr. Greene’s efforts to make science palatable for the masses.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains.
Raj: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard.
Sheldon: Now I’m thinking about Jell-O.
Raj: So what’s up?
Howard: It’s a Bernadette thing.
Raj: Oh, no. I hope everything’s okay.
Leonard: Whatever it is, we’re here for you. You can tell us anything.
Raj: Yeah. Good or devastating.
Howard: I’m gonna ask her to marry me.
Leonard: Marry you?
Raj: What?
Howard: Yeah. I just need to figure out the right time to pop the question.
Leonard: Oh, I’d wait.
Raj: No rush, no rush.
Howard (phone rings): Oh, great. It’s my cousin David about the ring. Hey, David, what’d you find? Oh, sure, a half a carat’s fine. Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It’s one of the reasons I love her.
Leonard: Man, he’s going to be blindsided.
Raj: I know. It’ll be awful.
Sheldon: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: Yeah, Raj, why?
Raj: Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m back to trains. Woo-woo.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Did I tell you our lab got a grant to study addiction?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.
Sheldon: Have you learned anything?
Amy: Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.
Sheldon: If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.
Amy: By all means.
Sheldon: Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.
Amy: I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup.
Sheldon: I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.
Amy: It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory?
Sheldon: I’m familiar with everything, but go on.
Amy: Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host.
Sheldon: I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.
Amy: I should think so. That’s gold.
Sheldon: Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?
Amy: Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?
Sheldon: It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.
Amy: We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip.
Sheldon: And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.
Amy: Then we’ll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of memetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.
Sheldon: Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You’re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. What’s up?
Amy: Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I’m thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum’s the word. Gotta go.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Bernadette: Oh, hey, Raj, what are you doing here?
Raj: I just felt like drinking alone, because I’m deep and dark.
Bernadette: Uh-huh. So, uh, Howard’s not here?
Raj: No. It’s just one of those times when it’s just you and me. Like when the three of us went to the movies and you and I waited outside the bathroom while Howard threw up Red Vines and Cherry Coke. Do you remember that?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Raj: Me, too. Good times.
Penny: Hey, 16 wants to order appetizers.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
Raj: This was nice.
Penny: What the hell are you doing? Howard is your best friend, and that is his girlfriend. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Raj: I was when I came in, but it’s amazing what liquor does to guilt. Besides what you might not know is, Bernadette is planning on breaking up with Howard.
Penny: Well, I know that. How do you know that?
Raj: My sister told me.
Penny: Oh, that gossipy bitch! No offense.
Raj: None taken. You should hear how she talks about you.
Penny: Okay, listen, just because Howard and Bernadette are having problems, does not mean you should be here sniffing around.
Raj: What can I do? I can’t stop thinking about her.
Penny: All right, try thinking about this. Sheldon and Amy had sex.
Raj: Shut your ass!
Penny: Yeah, it’s true. Amy told me.
Raj: How did that even happen? Did they know that’s what they were doing when they were doing it?
Penny: I-I guess they just figured it out at some point.
Raj: Wow. I can’t believe old Smelly Pooper finally got laid.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey.
Leonard: Hope you’re hungry.
Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.
Leonard: Will Amy be joining us for dinner?
Sheldon: Yes, I believe so.
Leonard: Good, good. Everything okay between you two?
Sheldon: Yes. Why do you ask?
Leonard: No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days.
Sheldon: Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?
Leonard: No. That’s not what he meant.
Sheldon: Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.
Leonard: Yeah, you do. You dog, you.
Sheldon: Did you get that?
Amy (on webcam): Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda.
Sheldon: This is moving faster than we thought.
Amy: Agreed. It appears the rate of gossip transmission is proportional to the number of nodes squared.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you is giving me a great deal of satisfaction.
Amy: Slow down, Sheldon. I’m not quite there yet.
Scene: The apartment, later.
Leonard: Pass the soy sauce.
Howard: Sure.
Amy: Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.
Sheldon: Pun intended?
Amy: No. Happy accident.
Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.
Amy: I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.
Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.
Amy: Pun intended?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. What pun?
Amy: Not important. I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.
Sheldon: I wish you hadn’t done that. That’s going to make me a chick magnet, and I’m so busy as it is.
Howard: Hey, everybody, I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can’t think of a better time than when I’m with all my friends.
Leonard: Oh, hold on, Howard. There’s lots of better times.
Raj: Leonard, please. The man is talking. Let him get it out, and let the chips fall where they may.
Howard: Thank you. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski…
Bernadette: Oh, God. What’s happening?
Howard: I know things haven’t been perfect with us, and we’ve had our problems, but I just have to tell you, from the moment I…
Bernadette: Howard, let me just stop you right here.
Raj: This is it.
Bernadette: Yes.
Howard: Yes, what?
Bernadette: Yes, I will marry you.
Howard: You will?
Raj: You will?
Bernadette: I will. I will!
Howard: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette: Oh, I love you, too.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Priya: Oh, it’s so exciting.
Amy: I wonder what changed her mind.
Sheldon: Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess renewed her faith in love.
Amy: As good an explanation as any.
Leonard: That’s great.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. Bernadette just texted me. Howard proposed?
Amy: Yes, not important. Just stopped by to let you know I’m getting orthotics. Also, I’m carrying Sheldon’s baby. Mum’s the word.
Scene: The stairwell, moments later. Leonard is reading a text message.
Leonard: You’re pregnant?
Amy: Wow. Is there anything on there about orthotics?
Scene: The bathroom
Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?
Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.
Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.
Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.
Sheldon: I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.
Leonard: What kind of emergency?
Sheldon: Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.
Leonard: You might not want to do that.
Sheldon: I assure you I do.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not alone in here.
Sheldon: What?
Priya: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.
Leonard: We were in here first, you can’t be in here.
Sheldon: According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.
Sheldon: Come on, you can’t wait two minutes?
Priya: Oh, Leonard, let the man pee.
Scene: Penny’s door.
 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Move. Move. Move!
Credits sequence.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, you are officially charged with two violations of the roommate agreement. Do you waive reading of the charges?
Leonard: Yeah, fine.
Priya: Hang on. No, my client does not waive reading of the charges.
Leonard: Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.
Priya: Proceed.
Sheldon: Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.
Priya: Can I see the roommate agreement?
Sheldon: Um, it’s fairly technical.
Priya: I think I can handle it.
Leonard: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.
Priya: All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Do so, do so.
Priya: Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.
Priya: Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.
Priya: My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it, in this case, Leonard. So much for count one.
Sheldon: But…
Priya: There’s no buts, Sheldon, that’s how the law works.
Leonard: Schooled!
Priya: As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.
Leonard: Superceded!
Sheldon: This isn’t over.
Leonard: No offence, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that’s happened today.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Mmm, Greek food on pizza night? This is the most delightfully cruel thing we’ve done to Sheldon since we left that fake message from Stephen Hawking on his voice mail.
Priya: Seriously?
Howard (in Stephen Hawking voice): I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m.
Sheldon: What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night.
Leonard: I’d like to refer that to my attorney.
Priya: According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night.
Sheldon: Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s.
Howard: That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?
Priya: A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met?
Sheldon: No.
All: Opa!
Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.
Leonard: Not as much as you.
Sheldon: Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.
Leonard: I got you the lamb kabob.
Sheldon: Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: Hey. What’s up?
Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.
Penny: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along.
Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.
Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We’ll probably be trashing Priya a little.
Sheldon: Shotgun.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: Okay, I’d like to propose a toast to a wonderful girls night out.
Amy: Fair warning, we can get ker-razy.
Bernadette: Yeah. Last week we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.
Sheldon: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?
Amy: Why did you bring him? He’s harshing my buzz.
Penny: I felt sorry for him. Priya’s giving him a hard time.
Bernadette: Ooh, the Priya bashing’s starting early. Yay! Okay, what’s up with those pantsuits?
Amy: I need some context.
Penny: Pantsuits suck.
Amy: And that opens her up To justifiable ridicule for wearing them. Good one, Bernadette. See? Ker-razy.
Scene: The same, later.
Bernadette: Whee-ee-ee!
Amy: You smell like baby powder.
Sheldon: It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.
Amy: Oh, I’m not confused at all. You’re like a sexy toddler.
Sheldon: I don’t know how to process that.
Bernadette: I do. Amy and Sheldon sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-S-S-I-N-G.
Penny: That’s too many S’s for kissing.
Bernadette: Not if they’re doing it for a long time.
Penny: Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?
Sheldon: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s.
Bernadette: That doesn’t count. Aren’t you even a little curious?
Penny: Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?
Amy: I’m available for experimentation.
Sheldon: Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.
Amy: Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny).
Sheldon: I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.
Penny: Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.
Bernadette: Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.
Sheldon: No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.
Penny: Did you take dance lessons?
Sheldon: Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.
Penny: Oh, we are so taking you dancing.
Sheldon: No, you most certainly are not.
Bernadette: Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree?
Sheldon: I saved a nun’s life. Why am I being punished?
Scene: A taxi.
 
Penny: Take us to a place we can waltz.
Taxi driver: Where you can what?
Sheldon: Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. )
Taxi Driver: Here we go.
Amy (singing): I kissed a girl and I liked it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.
Sheldon: What happened to you?
Scene: A Korean ballroom dancing club. Sheldon and Amy are dancing.
Penny: Shake it baby, shake it!
Bernadette: Muy caliente, Sheldon!
Elderly Korean Gentleman: Care to dance?
Bernadette: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m engaged.
Korean: How about you?
Penny: Oh, what the hell. Ooh!
Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.
Amy: How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night?
Sheldon: What’s 16 times 14?
Amy: My burps taste like cranberry juice.
Sheldon: And there’s your answer.
Amy: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?
Sheldon: If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.
Amy: I have yoo-hoo.
Sheldon: It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.
Amy: Make yourself comfortable.
Sheldon: Thank you. Is someone smoking?
Amy: Oh, that’s just Ricky.
Sheldon: You own a smoking monkey?
Amy: Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study.
Sheldon: What’s he doing here?
Amy: I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable.
Sheldon: Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?
Amy: A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping.
Sheldon: is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?
Amy: Yeah. He’s kind of an ass.
Sheldon: Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?
Amy: Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours?
Sheldon: Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.
Amy: And you want me to kill her? Done.
Sheldon: No, of course not.
Amy: I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys.
Sheldon: I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.
Amy: Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory?
Sheldon: Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.
Amy: You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I play dirty?
Amy: Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Amy: I hope you don’t take what I’m about to do as a comment on what we just did. (Runs to bathroom and vomits)
Sheldon (to Ricky): Who’s to say you shouldn’t be dissecting our brains? You really are an ass.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.
Leonard: Why would I want to do that?
Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?
Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence activated.
Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
Priya: So what happens when it counts down?
Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you’re in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Priya: Oh, my God.
Leonard: What’s the big deal?
Priya: Trust me, it’s a big deal.
Leonard: They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.
Sheldon: 20 seconds.
Leonard: Are you ashamed of me?
Priya: Of course not.
Leonard: Then why can’t we tell your parents?
Priya: Please, don’t push this.
Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15.
Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Leonard: No, he’s bluffing.
Sheldon: I never bluff. Ten.
Leonard: It’s blackmail!
Sheldon: Nine.
Priya: We give up.
Sheldon: Eight.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug)
Sheldon: It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?
Priya: Give him what he wants or we’re done.
Sheldon: Three.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: Two.
Leonard: Okay, I’ll sign it!
Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is at his laptop.
Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.
Amy: It most assuredly is not.
Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame?
Amy: Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?
Sheldon: Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.
Amy: Okay. Don’t really know where we go from here.
Sheldon: I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.
Amy: Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.
Leonard (off): Come on, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!
Sheldon: You’re preaching to the choir, sister.
Scene: A public washroom. Amy and Penny are in cubicles, Bernadette is washing her hands.
Amy: I must say, Penny, this is great fun.
Penny: Glad you’re enjoying yourself.
Amy: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now they have a delightful social aspect.
Bernadette: Amy, you must’ve been in the bathroom with other women before.
Amy: Of course I have. But they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.
Bernadette: Some women don’t like to get chummy when their panties are down.
Amy: You okay in there, bestie?
Penny: I’m fine.
Amy: The reason I ask is that many people experience bladder shyness, the inability to pass urine
Penny: Yeah, I said I’m fine. Stop talking to me.
Amy: She always this crabby when she urinates?
Bernadette: We’re really not that close.
Penny: Screw it. I’ll go later.
Amy: And I’ll be right by your side.
Scene: A shoe shop.
Bernadette: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Amy: No, it’s not. It’s a strategic manoeuvre. Leonard’s new girlfriend is testing Bernadette’s loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.
Bernadette: You think?
Amy: Of course. How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
Bernadette: Well, what makes me the weakest member?
Amy: Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn’t last a minute on the Serengeti.
Penny: Okay, Amy, you’re being silly. I am not concerned about who hangs out with who. And I certainly don’t have a problem with Leonard’s new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup. Ooh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I’ll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
Bernadette: It doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell her we can’t make it.
Amy: Oh, no. You have to go.
Bernadette: I don’t understand. I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.
Amy: You are, with hair that smells like strawberries. And we’re going to use that to our advantage.
Penny: Wait. What are you talking about?
Amy: By accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes a double agent inside the enemy camp. She could ferret out Priya’s tactics, identify her weaknesses and feed her false information, such as, Leonard’s no stranger to back-alley cockfights.
Bernadette: I don’t know. I’m not a very good liar. They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
Amy: Don’t worry. I’ll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.
Penny: Okay, I don’t know you people. I’m just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.
Amy: How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
Bernadette: I don’t want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.
Credits sequence
Leonard: Okay, see you later.
Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
Leonard: That is good news. Bye.
Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
Leonard: That, that’s brilliant.
Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.
Leonard: Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?
Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.
Leonard: All right.
Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.
Leonard: Elegant.
Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.
Leonard: Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.
Sheldon: And…
Leonard: And what?
Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
Leonard: Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.
Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.
Leonard: Got it. Bye.
Sheldon: You know I’m right.
Leonard (outside apartment): I think he’s getting worse.
Amy: Oh, my metatarsal are barking.
Leonard: You okay?
Amy: Yeah, yeah. I’m just breaking in some new shoes.
Leonard: Very pretty.
Amy: Thank you. Did you know that women wear high heels to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?
Leonard: Hadn’t really thought about it.
Amy: Look.
Leonard: Uh, sure. Very… prominent.
Amy: Please, Leonard, don’t leer, you have a girlfriend.
Leonard: Sorry.
Amy: So, are you off to dinner with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?
Leonard: Yeah. How did you know?
Amy: I heard it at the mall, when I was shopping with my girlfriends, ’cause, you know, that’s kind of my life now. Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Priya: Hey, you.
Leonard: Hi. Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?
Raj: The lonely guy and the two happy couples? I’d rather get a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.
Priya: Oh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?
Raj: I have to feel sorry for myself. I’m the only one who cares. Just like I’m the only one who’ll have sex with me.
Leonard: Really? In front of your sister?
Priya: We shared a room growing up. This is not news to me.
Raj: Excuse me. I’m going to go wander the streets alone. Invisible, unwanted and unloved, a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart. (Leaves, then returns a moment later) I forgot my windbreaker. It’s chilly.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I don’t understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?
Penny: No. Once these puppies touch the ground they’re mine, and I’ll have to wear them walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard in order to pay them off. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Amy: Good news: the wildebeest is in the curry.
Penny: The what?
Amy: Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard. Message received. Commence operation “Priya Wouldn’t Wanna Be-ya.”
Penny: Hey. Seriously? Didn’t you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
Amy: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn’t have any.
Penny: None?
Amy: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop. Hang on. It’s the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
Penny: Wh… What the hell did she say?
Amy: She thinks it’s cool you’re following your dream, no matter what.
Penny: That bitch!
Amy: How do you want to handle it?
Penny: Um, okay. Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I’m on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Amy: Got it. Is it going to be in 3-D?
Penny: What? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
Amy: I’m gonna say 3-D. That’ll let her know the studio has faith in it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Leonard: You’re kidding. 3-D?
Bernadette: That’s what I hear.
Howard: Then the studio must have real faith in it.
Leonard: Wonder why she didn’t tell me.
Priya: Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
Leonard: No.
Priya: Then why are you surprised she didn’t tell you?
Leonard: Well, it’s not as much surprised as, uh, uh, you know, uh. th-th-th-the other thing.
Priya: What other thing?
Leonard: Well, you know, if you, if, if, if you, uh, I don’t, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for?
Howard: I’m not going to help you. This is hilarious.
Bernadette: She’s also dating an astronaut.
Priya: Wow. That’s very impressive.
Bernadette: Yeah. But Leonard’s impressive, too.
Leonard: Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing three person chess by himself.
Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?
Raj: I need a hug.
Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, open the door.
Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.
Raj: I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue.
Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.
Raj: Well, not so much depressed as lonely.
Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.
Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely.
Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.
Raj: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.
Raj: Oh, cool. Can I play?
Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.
Raj: No, thank you. I’m fine.
Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.
Raj: I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down.
Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?
Raj: I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.
Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.
Raj: Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.
Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.
Raj: A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.
Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?
Raj: I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.
Sheldon: I like cows.
Raj: That’s not the point.
Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.
Raj: I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.
Sheldon: Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Okay, I’m still trying to work this out. How did Penny meet an astronaut?
Bernadette: I don’t know. The regular way people meet astronauts.
Howard: Most of those guys live in Texas.
Bernadette: Obviously, this one doesn’t.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: Leonard lives here. Priya’s from India. People meet, Howard. God!
Howard: Fine.
Bernadette: You’ve met lots of astronauts, and I’ve never grilled you about that. I’d thank you to extend me the same courtesy.
Howard: I’m not grilling you, I was just curious.
Leonard: I still can’t get over the fact that she got a big movie part. Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend’s up to, ’cause I don’t.
Bernadette: Maybe that’s where she met the astronaut, all right?
Priya: I’m sorry. What would an astronaut be doing working on a movie?
Bernadette: He’s a consultant.
Leonard: I thought the movie was about 18th-century Vienna?
Bernadette: He can’t have a hobby? Excuse me, I have to pee. Or is that implausible, as well?
Howard: It’s nice to have another couple to hang with, isn’t it?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (to the shoes): All right, guys, you have to go back. I can’t afford you. “No, don’t send
us away, we love you.” I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent. “But, Penny, you look so good in us.” Damn it, the shoes are right.
Amy: Good golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless. (Phone rings) What do you got for me, wildebeest?
Bernadette (in Raj’s bathroom): I think they’re on to me. The story’s starting to fall apart.
Amy: Calm down. Everything’s going to be okay. (To Penny) We may have to kill her. Bernadette, I’m putting you on speakerphone. Where are you now?
Bernadette: In the bathroom.
Amy: Oh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests. What’s the problem?
Bernadette: They’re just asking me all sorts of questions I can’t answer.
Amy: Just change the subject.
Bernadette: I suppose I could get them back to talking about Leonard going to India to meet Priya’s parents.
Penny: What?
Bernadette: They said something about going there this summer.
Penny: What, are they getting engaged?
Bernadette: I don’t know. I was too busy covering my heinie on Amy’s stupid astronaut story!
Amy: What astronaut story?
Bernadette: You texted me Penny’s dating an astronaut.
Amy: I texted architect. That’s amusing. Auto-correct must’ve changed it.
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s hysterical.
Penny: All right, look, just forget about the astronaut.
Amy: Architect. Where would you have met an astronaut?
Penny: Look, just find out what’s up with this trip to India.
Bernadette: I don’t want to do this anymore!
Penny: Don’t you quit on us!
Howard (knocking on bathroom door): Bernie, you okay?
Bernadette (screaming): It was an architect!
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.
Sheldon: I’m glad you think so. That’s what I strive to emulate.
Raj: Okay, let’s see if this drug works.
Woman at table: Can I help you?
Raj: Forgive me for staring, but you’re very beautiful.
Woman: Thank you. That’s a great accent. Where are you from?
Raj: India.
Woman: Oh, cool. I’ve always wanted to go there.
Raj: It’s a beautiful country. You’d love it. May I join you?
Woman: Uh, okay, sure. Why not?
Raj: My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Woman: Hi.
Sheldon: Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.
Woman: What’s he observing?
Raj: We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.
Sheldon: All right.
Raj: And what is your name?
Woman: Angela.
Raj: Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.
Angela: You’re cute.
Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.
Server: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out. We have muffins.
Sheldon: They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.
Angela: What are you doing?
Raj (taking his shirt off): Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
Angela: I…
Sheldon: They were out of scones.
Raj (removing his trousers): Sheldon, I’m talking to someone. You’re being rude. I’ll bet you’re an actress. If not, you should be. You have a very expressive face.
Angela: Oh, my God.
Raj: Wait, where are you going? We were doing so well. She never even got to see my penis. Ta-da!
Scene: Raj’s apartment. They are playing Jenga,
Priya: Who wants some more coffee?
Leonard: Thanks, yeah.
Howard: Sure.
Bernadette: Let me help you.
Howard: Nice to see that the gals are getting along.
Leonard: Gals? Who are you, Fred Flintstone?
Bernadette: This trip to India sounds fun.
Priya: Yeah, I think it will be.
Bernadette: Are you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard?
Priya: A little. They’re very old-fashioned.
Bernadette: Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like you guys are getting engaged, right?
Priya: Oh, God, no. We’re not there yet.
Bernadette: Not engaged. Very interesting. I have to tinkle.
Priya: You’ve been in there a lot tonight. Are you okay?
Bernadette: Yes. Are you writing a book?
Priya: Why are you getting upset?
Bernadette: I’m not upset. Maybe you’re upset.
Priya: What’s up with you? Bernadette?
Bernadette: I can’t do this anymore! I’m a good girl! I went to Catholic school! (Storms out,)
Howard: Okay, well, it’s getting late. This was terrific. You win. Bernie?
Leonard: I think the word you’re looking for is befuddled.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are playing three person chess.
Sheldon: My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two.
Howard: Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop
five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.
Leonard: Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?
Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.
Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.
Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.
Raj (still naked): Hey, I’ve got winners.

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey, do me a favour and take table seven.
Bernadette: You mean the one with my one hundred and eighteen-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who’s prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
Penny: Nah, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful and sophisticated girlfriend, who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
Bernadette: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?
Penny: Oh, please, you’re not that kind of person.
Bernadette: I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.
Leonard: Uh, that’s my water.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: My water. You’re drinking it.
Sheldon: Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?
Leonard: Yes. It’s my water.
Sheldon: Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj: Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.
Bernadette: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette: I don’t understand.
Howard: He drank from Leonard’s glass.
Sheldon: He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.
Leonard: That’s actually my napkin.
Sheldon: Oh, this is a nightmare!
Howard: Where are you going?
Sheldon: To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gang way! Dead man walking!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The same.
Bernadette: All right. Here you go. Two lemonades, one iced tea and a root beer for Priya.
Priya: Is it diet?
Bernadette: That’s what you ordered.
Priya: Thank you. Hey, have you and Howard started planning your wedding yet?
Bernadette: Yeah. We’re thinking of having it on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
Howard: Nothing soothes those pre-wedding jitters like the thought of falling and drowning.
Leonard: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette: He hasn’t told her yet. He’s waiting for the right time.
Howard: I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya: Howard, you’ve got to tell your mother.
Howard: Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here?
Priya: Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard: Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.
Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
Leonard: You all right?
Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Fire demon.
Raj: Ooh, fire demon. Sheldon’s turning up the heat.
Howard: Troll master.
Raj: Check it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard: Water nymph.
Raj: Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj: Sorry. Walking tree.
Sheldon: Last one.
Raj: I’m taking a stroll and I’m sporting wood.
Howard (reading a text): Okay, the Eagle has landed.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Howard: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard: Hope so. Of course, if history is any indication, my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard: Have you met Bernadette’s parents?
Howard: You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.
Raj: Sheldon, that’s my water.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord!
Leonard: That’s not your water.
Raj: I know.
Sheldon: Where’s the mouthwash?
Raj (holding it): Where indeed.
Scene: Howard’s house.
Howard: Ma, I’m home! Where are you?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m in the toilet.
Howard: So, how’d it go?
Mrs Wolowitz: Too soon to say. I’m not done yet.
Howard: No, I mean lunch, today, with Bernadette.
Mrs Wolowitz: Oh! I had a pastrami sandwich. She had eggplant lasagna. Like that’s what a person orders in a Jewish deli.
Howard: Besides food, did you get along? Did you talk?
Mrs Wolowitz: Oh, sure. Did you know she’s going to school to become a microbiologist?
Howard: No, she never mentioned it.
Mrs Wolowitz: I bet she did and you didn’t listen.
Howard: Yeah, that’s probably it. So, what do you think? Do you like her? She’s great, huh?
Mrs Wolowitz: She’s a lovely girl. Cute as a button.
Howard: That’s good to hear, ’cause I’ve got some news.
Mrs Wolowitz: I hope it’s good news, because I’ve got nothing but disappointment in here!
Howard: Bernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? (crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Ma? Stand back, I’m gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn’t break down. Falls over.) Son of a bitch! Ma, help!
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going?
Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?
Penny: I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said.
Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?
Penny: My mirth. Classic.
Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?
Penny: It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber.
Sheldon: Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.
Penny: What are you doing at work these days?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.
Penny: Alright, come on, even you have to admit that’s jibber-jabber.
Sheldon: Interesting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
Penny: Oh, my God, you’re about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.
Leonard: Howard and his mother are at the hospital. Come on, we gotta go.
Penny: Oh, my God! What happened?
Leonard: I don’t know, I just got a text. Come on, hurry.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go!
Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.
Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going.
Sheldon: I can’t.
Penny: Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs.
Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
Leonard: Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his.
Sheldon: I would think he would know that.
Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it’s time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother’s mantel.
Scene: A hospital waiting room.
Howard: So I knocked down the bathroom door, picked up my poor unconscious mother, carried her to the car, and drove like a madman to the emergency room.
Bernadette: You’re a real hero, Howard.
Howard: No, I did what any son would do.
Penny: Hang on a second, you picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off babies.
Penny: Yeah, I’m saying, it’d be easier to lift a car.
Howard: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
Leonard: So, how is she?
Howard: They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.
Penny: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.
Penny: Thanks for clearing that up.
Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.
Penny: Okay, you’re not helping.
Sheldon: Disagree.
Leonard: Go sit over there.
Sheldon: I’ll sit over there, it looks cleaner.
Leonard: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard: My family is the history of heart disease. There’s a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this (clutches chest).
Bernadette: So it’s probably genetic.
Howard: Well, maybe. Mom also had just gotten some news that might have upset her.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: It’s not important.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard, I’m going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard: You’d think that. But no.
Bernadette: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard: You can’t take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard: What you’ve got to keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I’ve been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she’d be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can’t.
Bernadette: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard: Well, when you say it like that you make it sound creepy.
Priya (arriving): What happened?
Bernadette: Howard’s mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can’t.
Howard: Bernie, wait!
Sheldon (to Raj): I’ll give you $1,000 if you’ll drive me home.
Scene: The same, later.
Priya: Nice of you to come for Howard.
Penny: Well, he’s my friend. It’s what you do. (Laughs)
Priya: I’m sorry, did I miss something?
Penny: It’s just so weird. Howard Wolowitz is my friend. You know, once he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose.
Priya: That’s a little easier to believe than he’s your friend.
Penny: Yeah, tell me about it.
Priya: You know, my brother had a group of friends like this in India. They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves the New Delhi Power Rangers.
Penny: You mean when he was little.
Priya: Not as little as you’d want him to be.
Penny: You know, this stuff is horrible. You want to see if we can find the cafeteria and get real coffee?
Priya: Sure. We’re going to the cafeteria to get some coffee. You want anything?
Leonard: I’m fine. That’s nice that they’re getting along.
Raj: Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend are hanging out together? Oh, yeah, that can only be good for you.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Raj: One of them broke up with you. Do you really want her telling the other one why?
Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have anything to hide.
Raj: Good, good. Then you have nothing to worry about.
Leonard: No, I do not. You are a mean little man.
Raj: You’d think it’d be because my parents didn’t love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.
Howard: Bernie, it’s not you. She’s just set in her ways.
Bernadette: How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
Howard: It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.
Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard: What’s wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.
Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home.
Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Howard: No!
Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take. Hold the door!
Doctor: Mr. Wolowitz?
Howard: Is she okay?
Doctor: It wasn’t a heart attack. She’s awake, she’s resting comfortably. We’re still running a few tests.
Howard: Can I see her?
Doctor: Actually, she said, and I quote, she’d like to see the little Catholic girl first.
Bernadette: Me? Why me?
Howard: Jews have been asking that for centuries. There’s no real good answer.
Bernadette: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Let’s just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
Doctor: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard: Yeah.
Doctor: Why don’t I write you a prescription for Xanax.
Scene: Outside the hospital washroom. A man enters. 339
Sheldon (exiting while the door is open): Finally. (Goes down corridor. Dodges into a door to avoid a coughing patient on a trolley. The room is full of doctors in hazmat suits.) Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Doctor: Wait, you can’t leave here, you’ve been exposed.
Sheldon: No, I haven’t. It’s all good.
Scene: A hospital corridor.
Penny: You want to talk about crazy mothers, Leonard’s mom wouldn’t give him any sort of approval growing up.
Priya: Oh, the poor thing.
Penny: It makes him desperate to please women. That’s why the foreplay goes on and on.
Priya: It does, doesn’t it?
Penny: It’s like he’s trying to win a prize. A word of advice, don’t doze off. You will never hear the end of it.
Sheldon (through glass door pane): Help me! Come back! Penny!
Scene: The waiting room.
Leonard: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly, but…
Raj: Like what?
Leonard: Every once in a while, before we’d go to bed, I’d put on a little show for her.
Raj: What do you mean, a show?
Leonard: Well, you know, the way I took my clothes off.
Raj: Like, to music?
Leonard: I’d look pretty stupid if there was no music.
Raj: So you’d do a striptease?
Leonard: I wasn’t swinging around a pole.
Raj: Good, good.
Leonard: There was one time I put body glitter on.
Raj: Well, I don’t think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
Leonard: No, she wouldn’t.
Raj: Your big problem is me telling her.
Leonard: You really are a mean little man.
Priya: Oh, God, that’s so true.
Penny: Yeah, I know, right?
Leonard: Hey, what took you guys so long?
Priya: Oh, we were just chatting.
Leonard: That’s nice. What about?
Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
Leonard: That’s funny.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: What if she wasn’t kidding?
Leonard: It doesn’t matter. I’m the king of foreplay.
Howard: Hey, how’d it go?
Bernadette: You’re a putz. You know what that means?
Howard: Yeah. Do you?
Bernadette: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard: And are you?
Bernadette: No, because I’m engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.
Howard: Well, based on the available evid…
Bernadette: Shut up! She said I’m a wonderful girl and that you’re lucky to have me.
Howard: Where are you going?
Bermadette (in a voice like Mrs Wolowitz): To the toilet! Is that okay with you?
Howard: Is it just me, or does she sound sexy when she’s angry?
Scene: A hospital room. The guys except for Sheldon are in Hazmat suits.
Sheldon: Mountain Elf.
Raj: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard: Hell Hounds.
Raj: Hell Hounds. Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who? Who-who?
Howard: Colossal Serpent.
Raj: I got a colossal serpent right here.
Sheldon: Must you?
Raj: Sorry, I’m just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting Zombie. Sheldon’s new Facebook photo.
Sheldon: Zandor, Wizard of the North. Ha! I win.
Howard: If you skip the part about being under a two-week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Uh..
Leonard: Sure
Penny: Okay, Priya?
Priya: Uh, I’ll have the Shepherd’s Pie. You want to split that with me?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn’t.
Priya: Why not?
Leonard: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy’s Day balloon.
Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy’s balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.
Leonard: So, no, on the Shepherd’s Pie. Can we move on?
Penny: Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it.
Leonard: Sea bass. I’ll have the sea bass.
Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard: Kill me.
Sheldon: It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
Bernadette: Guys, sorry I’m late. I have amazing news.
Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system?
Leonard: So, what’s your news, Bernadette?
Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.
Penny: Oh!
Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.
Penny: Wow, so that means you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.
Howard: Congratulations, honey.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how’s it feel knowing that when you two get married, you’ll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette’s last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.
Howard: Please, this isn’t about me. I’m proud of you.
Bernadette: Well, you’ll be really be proud of this. I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They’re gonna pay me a buttload of money!
Howard: What?
Leonard: Bernadette, that’s great. Howard, do you make a buttload?
Howard: Better than what you’ve got a buttload of.
Leonard: Hey, if I roll down the windows in the car, everything’s peachy. If you do it, you’re still not a doctor.
Penny: Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal. It helps, but everything is not peachy.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (earphones in, singing): Oh, if there was a problem, you can’t solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. Ice, Ice, baby. Ice, Ice, baby. (Removes headphones and goes to refrigerator).
Priya (off): Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.
Leonard (off): You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for inspection.
Priya (off): Shh, my brother’s going to hear you.
Leonard (off): Relax, he’s got headphones on. And we’re ten miles above Earth in a starship.
Raj: Really, ten miles? You’re orbiting inside the atmosphere? Moron.
Priya (off): I can’t believe I’m wearing my brother’s Halloween costume.
Leonard (off): I can’t believe you think he only wears it on Halloween. Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.
Raj: Okay, gotta go.
Scene: Howard’s house.
Howard: Hey, what’s up?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?
Howard: No, Ma! It’s Raj!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): He’s a doctor too, right?
Howard: Yes!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo!
Howard: Sheldon, yes! Everybody’s a doctor but me!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Well, whose fault is that?
Howard: What’s up?
Raj: Leonard’s putting disgusting memories in my memory foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?
Howard: Sure, but I’m going out with Bernadette. It’ll just be you and my mother.
Raj: I guess that’s okay.
Howard: Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Of course, he and I can play doctor!
Raj: She’s kidding, right?
Howard: I don’t know, she’s pretty feisty since they put her on hormone-replacement therapy.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is talking to Amy on webcam.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
Amy: It’s indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?
Sheldon: It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.
Amy: Have you considered massage?
Sheldon: I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.
Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.
Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.
Sheldon: Rotating.
Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.
Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?
Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!
Amy: Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
Sheldon: There’s someone at my door.
Amy: That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.
Raj (at door): Can I sleep here tonight?
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.
Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.
Raj: Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room.
Sheldon: No, I can’t authorize that.
Raj: Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his?
Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.
Raj: Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.
Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.
Raj: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
Raj: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: I never kid about safety.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard enters, and accidentally sits on Raj. Both exclaim.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Raj: I was sleeping.
Leonard: In my bed?
Raj: Well, I would’ve slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.
Leonard: Oh, you heard?
Raj: Scotty, I need more power.
Leonard: Sorry. Does Sheldon know you’re sleeping in here?
Raj: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know, she used to date Howard?
Raj: Oh, my God, she’s that Mona? Why can’t you and my sister spend your nights here?
Leonard: We tried. She doesn’t get along with Sheldon.
Raj: Sheldon doesn’t get along with Sheldon. It’s still no reason for me to have to listen to you arm your photon torpedoes every night.
Leonard: Okay, well, how about this. Until Priya gets her own place, you stay here and I’ll stay at your apartment.
Raj: Can I bring girls here?
Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.
Raj: Okay, deal.
Leonard: Just not against their will.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard: Why?
Leonard: If you’re gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj: He’s right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
Howard: Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.
Leonard: Until you have kids.
Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.
Raj: When did you take my blood?
Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.
Raj: What the hell is this?
Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.
Raj: This says you can make end of life decisions for me.
Sheldon: As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign.
Raj: Did you sign this?
Leonard: There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.
Raj: Well, that seems fair.
Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.
Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.
Sheldon: Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.
Leonard: No backsies.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Sheldon, dinner!
Sheldon: What is this?
Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.
Sheldon: Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years.
Raj: It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.
Penny (at door): Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.
Penny: Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread?
Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.
Penny: What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I’m the new Homo in town. That came out wrong.
Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?
Raj: He’s living at my place, so I’m living here.
Sheldon: You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.
Penny: Woah, Leonard and Priya are living together? That’s big.
Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans, that’s the headline.
Raj: It’s a good thing.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: So do you know what kind of research you’ll be doing at this pharmaceutical company?
Bernadette: Well, there are a couple of opportunities available, but I volunteered for the premature ejaculation project. I mean, it’s not like either one of us has heart disease. Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a little present.
Howard: Oh, Bernie, no. You didn’t have to.
Bernadette: I wanted to. Come on, open it.
Howard: You bought me a Rolex? How much did this cost?
Bernadette: Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: More wine?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I’ve had way too much already.
Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol.
Penny: Hit me.
Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys.
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won’t do.
Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.
Penny: Okay, explain something to me. You watch Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think, Oh, Krishna, I’ve got to get me some of that?
Raj: Well, it’s a lot better than having to wear noise-cancelling headphones in my own apartment.
Penny: What? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Leonard’s a noisy little dude in the sack.
Raj: Every night.
Penny: Really? Even during allergy season, when he has to alternate between kissing and breathing?
Raj: It’s my sister. Can we not talk about this any more?
Penny: Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Can I tell you a secret?
Raj: Yeah.
Penny: I screwed up. Leonard’s a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.
Raj: Well, uh, to paraphrase Shakespeare, It’s better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
Penny: Oh, you poor baby.
Raj: What’s wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren’t friends, and you hadn’t brought up that creepy pornography story, I’d be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen. To friendship.
Raj: To friendship.
Sheldon (off): Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking? And the answer was elephant!
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Leonard and Priya are kissing.
Leonard: Mmm. Mmm.
Priya: Leonard, sweetheart, we’re kissing, not eating hot soup.
Leonard: Sorry.
Priya (computer tone): That’s my parents on video chat. Go hide in the bedroom.
Leonard: Oh, come on! Why don’t we just tell them that we’re dating?
Priya: Oh, we’ve been through this. It’s not the time.
Leonard: When is the time?
Priya: I’ve got five brothers and sisters. One of them is bound to screw up real big, and then I’ll tell my parents about you. Now, shoo.
Leonard: Fine.
Priya: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.
Dr Koothrappali: We heard there was a tornado in Kansas City. Is that close to you?
Priya: No.
Mrs Koothrappali: Where is your brother?
Priya: Out with friends.
Dr Koothrappali: I don’t like it, a young girl alone in an apartment.
Mrs Koothrappali: I’ll sleep so much better when you move back here next month.
Leonard: You’re moving back to India?
Dr Koothrappali: Who’s that?
Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, my God! There’s someone in your apartment. Call the police in America!
Leonard: When were you going to tell me about this?
Priya: Oh, hello, Leonard. What a pleasant surprise! Mummy, Daddy, you remember Rajesh’s friend Leonard.
Dr Koothrappali: I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.
Priya: He has many friends.
Dr Koothrappali: Rajesh has many friends?
Mrs Koothrappali: Why are you lying to us?
Leonard: She’s lying because she doesn’t want you to know we’re dating.
Priya: Leonard!
Leonard: Well, what difference does it make? If you’re moving back to India, we’re obviously breaking up.
Priya: You know what? I don’t want to deal with this right now.
Leonard: So. Hot in India?
Dr Koothrappali: Of course it is. It always is. It’s India. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Leonard: Uh. That is a beautiful tapestry.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Raj and Penny are in bed.
Penny (waking up): Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can’t talk to me?
Scene: The living room. Leonard is asleep on the couch.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.
Leonard: Priya’s going back to India.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?
Howard: I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Talk to him.
Penny (entering room dishevelled, with a half naked Raj behind): Damn.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: Oh. It’s, it’s not what it looks like.
Sheldon: What does it look like?
Scene: The Cafeteria
Sheldon: It’s not what it looks like. It’s not what it looks like.
Leonard: What are you grinding about?
Sheldon: Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.
Leonard: Just let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.
Leonard: They slept together, Sherlock.
Sheldon: No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.
Leonard: She lied.
Sheldon: Oh. Well don’t I look silly sitting here wearing this?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cafeteria
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?
Leonard: No, I’m fine with it.
Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I’m going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don’t see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defence. But I also can’t be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.
Leonard: What the hell is wrong with you?
Howard: Yeah, how could you do that?
Raj: What is it to you?
Howard: I got his back.
Raj: Yeah, right. You’re just jealous because it turns out I’m Penny’s number two choice after Leonard.
Howard: Hey, if I wasn’t engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.
Leonard: Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.
Raj: Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.
Leonard and Howard together: What?
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if I may interject, I’ve decided my rank will be captain. If it’s good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it’s good enough for me.
Howard: You’re not in love with Penny.
Raj: Yes, I am. The god Kamadeva has shot us with his flowery arrows of love.
Howard: Who?
Raj: He’s the Hindu version of Cupid, but way better, because he rides a giant parrot.
Leonard: Raj, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you. A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee.
Howard: I’m sorry. What?
Raj: Rubbish. He’s talking rubbish.
Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I’m the dusky half of Koothrapenny.
Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They’re functional and aesthetically pleasing.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny has a bottle of wine. She can’t find a glass. Finds a measuring jug and uses that instead. There is a knock on the door.
Penny: Coming. Yup, that’s good. Wine glasses should have handles.
Amy: Keeping accurate track of your alcohol intake. Smart idea considering how trampy you get when you’ve had a few.
Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy: Well, I heard who you did.
Penny: Oh, my God, I screwed up everything. I hurt Leonard, I hurt Raj, I mean, what is wrong with me? I feel like two totally different people, Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.
Amy: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Do you know the story of Catherine the Great?
Penny: No.
Amy: She ruled Russia in the late seventeen hundreds, and one night, when she was feeling particularly randy, she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.
Penny: I’m… I’m sorry. What does this have to do with me?
Amy: She engaged in interspecies hanky-panky, and people still call her great. I’m sure your reputation can survive you shagging a little Indian boy.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. There is a knock on the door. He opens it.
Bernadette: You jerk face! What did you tell Howard? Did you say there was something going on between us? Because he thinks there is. He’s completely freaking out!
Raj: Please, come in.
Bernadette: What the hell is wrong with you?
Raj: Well, you were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.
Bernadette: I’m nice to everyone.
Raj: I’m sorry.
Bernadette: Damn right, you’re sorry. And you tell Howard there’s never been anything between us.
Raj: I will. Hey, Bernadette?
Bernadette: What?!
Raj: Do you think I have a shot with Penny?
Bernadette: Of course you do. You’re a cutie pie. Any girl would be lucky to have you.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You know, I’ve done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there, he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. So what did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants.
Amy: You can’t blame yourself. When your prefrontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex.
Penny: You know what? Let’s get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going?
Penny: Somewhere where no one’s seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile. (Opens door. Sees Leonard and Sheldon. Slams it shut again.)
Sheldon: Subtlety isn’t her strong suit, is it?
Penny: Can I stay at your place for a few nights?
Amy: Really? A best friend sleepover? Yay.
Penny: Yeah, sure. Yay!
Amy: We’ll make popcorn, stay up all night and I’ll teach you my secret language, Op.
Penny: Sounds great.
Amy: Nope. Sounds Gop Rop E A Top.
Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna go pack a bag.
Amy: No, you’re not. You’re gonna Pop A Cop Kop A Bop A Gop.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.
Leonard: I’m not in the mood, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)
Leonard: I don’t want to talk to Amy.
Sheldon: No, it’s not Amy.
Dr Hofstadter: Hello, dear.
Leonard: You called my mother?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?
Dr Hofstadter: He’s been like that since he was a toddler. Look, Mommy, a butterfly. Maddening.
Leonard: What’s going on? What do you want?
Dr Hofstadter: Sheldon informed me that you’re experiencing an emotional upheaval, and I’m here to help.
Leonard: That’s so nice.
Dr Hofstadter: And we’re back to the obvious. Now, what’s up?
Leonard: Well, uh, okay, um, I don’t want to get back together with Penny. We tried it, it was crazy, it didn’t work, but I can’t deal with the fact that she slept with my friend Raj. And then I find out that Raj’s sister Priya, who I’ve been going out with for eight months, is moving back to India. So I’m just completely confused and alone.
Dr Hofstadter: I understand.
Leonard: Got any advice?
Dr Hofstadter: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me. You’re a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you’ve got is buck up?
Dr Hofstadter: Sorry. Buck up, sissy pants.
Leonard: Thanks, Mother. I feel much better.
Dr Hofstadter: If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon. Logging off.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is brushing Penny’s hair.
Amy: Ninety-nine, one hundred. It’s like a waterfall of liquid gold. My turn.
Penny: You know, I don’t even know what the point of me staying in L.A. is. I haven’t gotten a single acting job since I moved out here. The closest I came was last month, I got a callback for a hemorrhoid commercial.
Amy: Oh, I could so see you being the face of haemorrhoids.
Penny: I know, right? Maybe I should just move back to Nebraska.
Amy: No, I can’t let you do that.
Penny: Why not? (There is a knock on the door)
Amy: For the first time ever, I have a thriving social life. And no pressure, but it kind of lives and dies with you.
Raj: Hi, Amy. Can I talk to Penny?
Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door? I wish I could tell 13-year-old me it does get better.
Penny: How did you know I was here?
Raj: It’s all over her Facebook page.
Amy: I’ll take your stuff to the bedroom and clear out a drawer.
Penny: Thanks.
Amy: No problem. Try and keep it in your pants, okay?
Penny: So, hi. What’s up?
Raj: I was wondering if you’re free Friday. They’re having a Totally ’80s Night at the Greek. Hall & Oates, Katrina and the Waves and three-fifths of Kajagoogoo.
Penny: Oh. Gee, that’s really sweet, but the thing is…
Raj: Aw, there’s a thing.
Penny: Look, honey, I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night. We should’ve never slept together. It’s what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
Penny: Come here. Just listen to me. I want to go back to the way we were before. You know, friends. No sprinkles.
Raj: Oh. All right.
Penny: Thank you.
Raj: Well, uh, as your friend, you might like to know that, um, we didn’t have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
Raj: No, no. After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you, you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn’t you?
Raj: Of course. I’m always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and, that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn’t actually…
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.
Penny: Oh!
Raj: Penny, please, please promise me you won’t tell anybody about this.
Penny: Of course I won’t. No, I won’t.
Raj: Oh, good. Um, can I tell people that our love burned too bright and too quickly? Kind of a Candle in the Wind deal?
Penny: Sure.
Raj: Cool. Can I say it fell apart because you were all, I want to have your babies, and I was like, I’m too rock and roll to be tied down?
Penny: No.
Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?
Penny: Also no.
Raj: Okay, just the candle thing.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: Cool. All right friend.
Penny: Hmm.
Raj: I’ll see you around.
Penny: Okay. Raj, wait. Thank you for being my friend. (She hugs him.)
Raj: Penny?
Penny: Mm-hmm?
Raj: It’s getting beautiful again.
Scene: A shed on the paintball range.
Sheldon: All right, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.
Howard: I don’t see anything.
Sheldon: Give it a second to load. Whenever you’re ready, AT&T! Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they’re out of sunblock, which means they’ll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That’s our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won’t know what hit them. All right, let’s move out.
Leonard: Hang on, Sheldon. How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
Howard: Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancee.
Raj: Screw you. That was a beautifully written penis metaphor.
Leonard: You know what, guys, I’m not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it?
Howard: Fine with me.
Raj: Sure, whatever.
Sheldon: You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.
Leonard: Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games.
Sheldon: This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?
Leonard: Yes, no and no.
Sheldon: Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.
Howard: Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.
Sheldon: No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets)
Howard: Damn those sons of bitches!
Leonard: Let’s get ’em!
Sheldon: If there’s ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast to the man whose noble sacrifice inspired our victory, Captain Sheldon Cooper.
Howard and Raj: Here, here.
Sheldon: Excuse me. It’s Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion. It’s kind of a big deal.
Penny: Hi. You guys have a minute?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, sure.
Penny: Okay. Um. Well, I already talked to Raj, but I wanted to apologize to the rest of you for, you know, everything.
Raj: Please, Penny, let me. We’ve decided to let our crazy, wonderful night together be just one of those memories you have and can call to mind when you’re feeling blue or you’re in the shower.
Penny: Hey, what you doing, Quick Draw?
Raj: Sorry. Go on.
Penny: Anyways, I wanted you guys all to know that I’ve been taking a really hard look at things and come to the conclusion I have to stop kidding myself. I suck at acting. It’s time for me to move back to Nebraska.
Leonard: You’re leaving?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: What are you going to do in Nebraska?
Penny: I don’t know, maybe teach acting. (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hello?
Leonard: Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.
Penny: Shh! It’s my agent, it’s my agent. You’re kidding. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe it! Really? Oh, I’m so excited, thank you, thank you so much. Okay, bye. I got the haemorrhoid commercial! I start Monday.
Sheldon: What about Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, hell with Nebraska. I’m gonna be a star!
Sheldon (to Leonard): Have you ever thought of teaching physics?
Scene: The apartment. Penny’s ad is on the television. She is at a stables.
Actress: Ready to ride?
Penny (on screen): I don’t think so, Mom. Not today.
Actress: Oh, sweetie. Haemorrhoids acting up again?
Penny (on screen): You don’t know the half of it.
Actress: Oh, yes, I do. Try a dab of this.
Penny (on screen): Rose-scented Preparation-H for women?
Actress: Now, the H is for Her.
Leonard: I’m proud of you.
Penny: Shh! Here comes my joke.
Actress: How are you doing?
Penny (on screen): Sittin’ pretty.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is laying out wine and napkins in front of his laptop.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, uh, Priya’s calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.
Sheldon: It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?
Leonard: Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.
Sheldon: All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?
Leonard: That doesn’t sound like mocking.
Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?
Leonard: I don’t know. Why?
Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).
Leonard: Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so…
Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.
Leonard: Yes, I’ve always admired that about you.
Sheldon: As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.
Leonard: Oh, good.
Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.
Leonard: A hobby?
Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.
Leonard: You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
Leonard: You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon: Don’t you like Amy?
Leonard: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon: Well, there’s the difference. (Skype tone rings)
Leonard: Excuse me, that’s Priya.
Priya (on screen): Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, honey.
Priya: I miss you.
Leonard: Oh, I miss you, too.
Sheldon: I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. It’s actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We’re like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.
Penny: I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.
Penny: It’s great, isn’t it?
Sheldon: It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.
Penny: What name?
Sheldon: Chair.
Penny: Oh, all right, well, I’m glad you like it. I mean, I still can’t get over the fact someone just threw it away.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here.
Sheldon (jumps up): Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)
Penny: What is wrong?
Sheldon: I’ve been sitting in garbage!
Penny: Sheldon, take it easy.
Sheldon: You take it easy! I need to use your shower.
Penny: I went into this marriage with so much hope.
Sheldon: There’s a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment).
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Raj: This is fun. I’ve never used a hydraulic thermoforming press before.
Howard: Pretty sweet, huh? This little baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard: That’s three minutes. Should we see what we got?
Howard: Hang on.
Raj: Oh, yeah. This is one good-looking panini.
Howard: Hand me the tuna melt.
Leonard: Yep.
Howard: Thank you. How’s it going with the long-distance love affair?
Leonard: Not easy, but we’re making it work.
Howard: When you say making it work, does that include doing the cyber nasty?
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, the virtual pickle tickle. The digital bow-chicka-bow-bow.
Raj: Come on, dude. This is my sister you’re talking about.
Howard: Hey, Leonard jiggling his junk at her through a webcam has got to be easier for you to deal with than him actually touching her with it.
Leonard: There’s no junk jiggling. We just talk.
Howard: Are you insane? With high-speed Internet, you have at your fingertips the greatest advancement in the field of sex since the invention of the washcloth.
Leonard: I can’t do that.
Howard: Well, if you don’t, you’re gonna lose Priya to some fancy guy in a turban who grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.
Raj: How can you be so racist?
Howard: Oh, come on, tell me I’m wrong.
Sheldon (entering): Oh, Leonard, good. There you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard: I did it last night, I’m not doing it again.
Howard: Just his head, right?
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair.
Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.
Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I’ve ever done that.
Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you’d started growing again.
Sheldon: I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Yello.
Sheldon: You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.
Penny: Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.
Sheldon: It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.
Penny: Why don’t you give it a try, Sheldon?
Sheldon: All right. It is a comfortable chair.
Penny: Why don’t you just admit you overreacted?
Sheldon: No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: It’s like living with a Chihuahua.
Sheldon (at Penny’s door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s up, buttercup?
Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.
Penny: Nope. (Closes door)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s the word, hummingbird?
Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.
Penny: No. (Closes door)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s the gist, physicist?
Sheldon: Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: So, here we are. Back in bed together.
Priya (on laptop screen): Yep, here we are.
Leonard: Okay, so I, I, I guess I’ll just jump right in.
Priya: All right.
Leonard: Uh, you’re a naughty girl. And, and, uh, I, I want to punish you with my love?
Priya: What?
Leonard: Not good?
Priya: That’s terrible. Try again.
Leonard: Okay. Uh, uh, you’re not naughty. Uh, you’re, you’re, you’re dirty. You’re, you’re a, a dirty girl?
Priya: Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, okay. You’re a, you’re a, you’re a, a dirty, disgusting, revolting girl. Ugh!
Priya: God, Leonard, stop talking.
Leonard: Why don’t you just give me five minutes? I’ll Google how to do this. I’ll call you right back.
Priya: Shh-shh-shh. Just be quiet and do what I tell you.
Leonard: Okay, like usual. Good.
Priya: Take off your shirt.
Leonard: All rightie. Shirt coming off. Ta-da! Man nipples.
Priya: I said be quiet.
Leonard: Yes, ma’am.
Priya: Now take off your shorts.
Leonard: Taking shorts off. There we go. Naked, naked, naked!
Priya: Wonderful. Now I’ll take off my clothes.
Leonard: Cool. (computer screen bugs out) Uh-oh!
Priya: Here I am, baby. You miss these?
Leonard: Oh, damn it!
Priya: Oh, Leonard! Already?
Leonard: No, no! No-no-no! The screen froze. It’s probably just buffering, just give it a second.
Priya: Fine.
Leonard: So, how are your mom and dad?
Priya: Yeah, I really don’t want to talk about my parents now.
Leonard: Yeah. Sure, sure.
Sheldon (calling from outside): If your video’s frozen, try resetting the TCP/IP stack.
Leonard: Oh! I didn’t even think of that. Thanks.
Sheldon (still off): You’re welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I’m trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing a harp.
Amy: Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes…
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.
Amy: Denial. Denial, denial. Come in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat…
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up?
Sheldon: You’re good friends with Penny, right?
Amy: Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.
Sheldon: I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
Amy: For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.
Amy: Yes, I am.
Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.
Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate.
Sheldon: All right, name your price.
Amy: Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before.
Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?
Amy: Never mind. I’ll talk to Penny.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Will you listen to me play my harp now?
Sheldon: No. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I’m going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I’m sorry, Mommy. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t do that!
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Leonard: I don’t know about this, Howard.
Howard: What? You’re having trouble with the long-distance lovemaking. This is your answer. There are two interfaces that simulate a human mouth. You have one, Priya has one in India. When you move your lips and tongue on yours, it transmits exactly what you’re doing to hers. See? Internet kissing. (Howard kisses device) Give it a try.
Leonard: I don’t think so.
Raj: I’ll try it. Like this?
Howard: Almost. Really get your tongue in there, to activate the motion sensor.
Raj: Like this?
Howard: Close. Really French it.
Raj: Better?
Howard: Yeah, you got it, you got it.
Raj: I’m impressed. This is very lifelike.
Howard: Whoa! You just bit my tongue!
Raj: I, I nibbled. I was being playful.
Howard: Why do you have to make everything weird?
Raj: Sorry. Better?
Howard: Oh, yeah.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Pretty cool, huh? Probably would cost, like, two hundred bucks in a store.
Amy: I do appreciate a bargain. This entire ensemble once belonged to my dead grandmother.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Amy: Everything except bra and panties. And they’re a leopard-spotted secret I share with Victoria.
Penny: And now me.
Amy: I just have one question about the chair.
Penny: And what’s that?
Amy: Aren’t you worried about it being unhygienic?
Penny: No, it’s completely fine. Hmm. I get it. Sheldon sent you. He put you up to this.
Amy: No, he didn’t.
Penny: Really?
Amy: Yes, he did. He absolutely did.
Penny: My God, Amy, that’s really crappy of you.
Amy: It is?
Penny: Yeah! Letting Sheldon use you to manipulate me? I thought you were my friend.
Amy: No, I am your friend. Please don’t be mad at me.
Penny: I can’t even believe this. You know, maybe you should just go.
Amy: No, no, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I take it all back. Look. I’m, uh, I’m sitting in your chair. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a great chair. Please let me continue to be part of your world. Ow!
Penny: What’s wrong?
Amy: Something in the chair’s biting my tushy. It’s not important. Ow!
Penny: Wait. Get up, get up! (She does. Something is moving in the seat cushion. They both run out of the apartment screaming.) Swear you won’t tell Sheldon what happened!
Amy (between screams): I swear! Can I tell my doctor? I’m probably gonna need shots!
Penny (also still screaming): Yeah, sure!
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: Oh, hey, babe, I think I figured this thing out.
Priya (on screen): Oh, Leonard, listen…
Leonard: No, you listen. You’re my woman, and I’m gonna make you feel things you have never felt before.
Priya: Leonard…
Leonard: That’s right, say my name, and beg me for more, ’cause, I’m gonna give it to you.
Priya: My parents are here.
Dr Koothrappali: Hello, Leonard, if I may also say your name.
Scene: The street outside the apartment block.
Howard: Check it out. Free chair.
Raj: Yeah. Hey, you know, if this was in Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment, I wouldn’t wind up sitting on the floor all the time.
Howard: On three?
Together: Three!
Raj: What kind of idiot throws away a terrific chair like this?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Who wants the last dumpling?
Penny: Ooh, me.
Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
Penny: Thank you all for this high honour.
Sheldon: I’ve seen pictures of your mother, keep eating.
Howard: All right, honey, if we’re gonna make the movie, we should go. (Raj stands) This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiancée. (Raj whispers to him) Yeah, well, now it means her.
Bernadette: It’s okay if he wants to come.
Howard: Fine. But next time, we get a sitter.
Penny: All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you.
Sheldon: Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?
Howard: Neither of them are close.
Sheldon: Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.
Penny: Okay, I’m not driving him.
Sheldon: No, Penny, don’t give up, you can get this.
Leonard: Aren’t you going with Sheldon?
Amy: No, I have no interest in model trains, stores that sell them, nor their heartbreaking clientele.
Leonard: Oh. Well, I have some work to do, so…
Amy: I can’t imagine that would disturb me. Carry on.
Leonard: Okay. Wouldn’t you be more comfortable at home?
Amy: Not really, no.
Leonard: All righty then. Guess I’ll just get started.
Amy: Leonard, please. I don’t need the running commentary.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment. Amy is staring into space.
Leonard: Amy?
Amy: Yo.
Leonard: You okay?
Amy: Oh, sure.
Leonard: I thought you were reading.
Amy: I was. Now I’m thinking about what I read. You all right, Leonard? You seem very uncomfortable.
Leonard: I, I’m fine.
Amy: Should I go? I’ve been told sometimes I overstay my welcome.
Leonard: What, who told you that?
Amy: Well, most recently my gynaecologist.
Leonard: Well, you stay as long as you’d like.
Amy: I’m glad to hear you say that, because I’m having a wonderful time. Hmm, I said the same thing to my gynaecologist.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Bernadette: What are you going to get at the train store, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.
Howard: Which side do you come down on?
Sheldon: I’ll let you know after tonight. Unlike some people, I’m going in with an open mind. Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it’s O-gauge or no gauge.
Howard: Can you believe grown men sit around and play with toy trains?
Bernadette: That’s pretty big talk for a man with a closet full of magic tricks at his mother’s house.
Howard: First of all, they’re not tricks, they’re illusions. And, secondly, when we get married, they’re all going up in the attic so you can have that closet for clothes.
Bernadette: Why would I keep clothes at your mother’s house?
Howard: Well, don’t think of it that way. Once we move in, it’ll be our house.
Bernadette: Is she moving out?
Howard: Why would she move out? It’s her house.
Bernadette: Hang on. You seriously think I’m going to live with your mother?
Sheldon: Howard, I think I can help here. Yes, Bernadette, that’s exactly what he thinks.
Howard: Why not? It’s a great house, plenty of room, and if we have kids, Mom’s there to help. You know, when she tells the Three Little Pigs story, she actually has hair on her chinny-chin-chin.
Bernadette: I’m not gonna live with your mother. Not now, not ever.
Howard: Wow, someone obviously has some mommy issues.
Bernadette: Raj, take me home.
Howard: Don’t listen to her. Go to the movie theatre.
Bernadette: Take me home now.
Howard: Movie theatre.
Raj: Mmmmmm.
Sheldon: Okay, everybody calm down. There is a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don’t care what you people do.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: How was your shower?
Leonard: It was good, good. Just out of curiosity, what time do you usually go to bed?
Amy: Oh, I’m up all night. I’m like a possum. Boy, you were not liked in high school, were you?
Leonard: Not really. Is that my yearbook?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Dear Leonard, you’re really good at science. Maybe one day you’ll come up with a cure for being a dork.
Leonard: Well, it wasn’t spray-painting a lightning bolt on my briefcase, I can tell you that.
Amy: If it makes you feel any better, the only person who signed my yearbook was my mother.
Leonard: Aw.
Amy: Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom.
Sheldon (entering): Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.
Leonard: Rough night, Casey Jones?
Sheldon: You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.
Leonard: What’s in the bag?
Sheldon: I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s not a spine,I’ll tell you that.
Amy: Well, I had a delightful evening, Leonard. We should do this again sometime.
Leonard: Ah, sure. That’d be nice.
Amy: Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They’re kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department.
Leonard: Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon?
Amy: I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time.
Sheldon: Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.
Amy: Doesn’t matter. You’re out, he’s in. No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding. Hmm, how times change.
Sheldon: Ha-ha, you have to go to a wedding.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. Amy rings the bell.
Howard (off): I’ll get it!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Could you get it?
Howard (off): I said I’m getting it!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Fine, I’ll get it!
Howard: I got it! Oh, hi.
Bernadette: Hey. I don’t want to fight. I was just surprised when you sprung the whole living-with-your-mom stuff on me.
Howard: Yeah, well, I’m sorry I didn’t run it by you first.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don’t know who you’re talking to, but in or out! We don’t need bugs!
Howard: The bugs only come here because you’re their queen! Listen, how about this. Before we make any kind of decision about where we live, we have a trial run. Stay here for a weekend, see what it’s like.
Bernadette: And your mom would be okay with that?
Howard: Sure she would. Ma, do you mind if Bernadette stays here this weekend?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Hey, if she’s willing to give the milk away for free, who am I to say no?
Howard: See? She’s good with it.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Frankly, after all your sleepovers with the little brown boy, a girl is a big relief!
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing with his train set.
Sheldon: All this years, I’ve been so wrong. The tinier the train, the more concentrated the fun.
Penny: You’re a brain scientist. Can you explain to me why a brilliant man likes playing with toy trains?
Amy: Not without cutting his head open, no. How about making my eyes like Cleopatra?
Penny: Really? For a wedding?
Amy: Perhaps you’re right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain hello sailor quality to them.
Leonard: Ready.
Penny: Aw. So handsome. Like James Bond.
Sheldon: Better than James Bond, because he’s tinier.
Amy: I got you this to give to me.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, guests don’t normally wear corsages to a wedding. That’s more of a prom thing.
Amy: I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs.
Penny: Put the corsage on her.
Leonard: Amy, this is for you.
Amy: When you’re done copping a feel, that goes on my wrist.
Sheldon: All aboard! Woo-woo! It’s official. I’m an H-O trainiac.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: So, dinner went nice.
Bernadette: Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Does your mother always cut your meat for you?
Howard: Only when it’s fatty. Well, don’t be jealous, babe. Someday you’ll get to cut it for me.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Bernadette! I found the extra head for the Waterpik if you want to use it!
Bernadette: I’m okay, Mrs. Wolowitz.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You sure? I just squirted half a brisket outta my teeth!
Howard: Hey, Ma, how about a little privacy?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, I know what that means! Hubba-hubba!
Bernadette: Oh, God.
Howard: Relax, it’ll be fine.
Bernadette: Okay.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Let me know when you’re done canoodling! Mommy needs a foot rub!
Scene: The wedding.
Amy: Would you like to dance?
Leonard: No, thank you. I’m really not much of a dancer.
Amy: You’re not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist, either.
Leonard: I’m sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Amy: Why shouldn’t they be? They have a feverish night of socially-approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we’d stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
Leonard: That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning, so…
Amy: Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you’re not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: Oh, sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kinda-sorta boyfriend who’s playing with a model train right now, you don’t hear me bitching about it. Leonard, a word of advice, moody self-obsession is only attractive in men who can play guitar and are considerably taller than you.
Leonard: I’m not moody. I’m fun.
Amy: You have any evidence to support that statement?
Leonard: Well, hey, I’m just as much fun as you are.
Amy: Really? Are you willing to draw a moustache on your finger as a conversational icebreaker? I am.
Leonard: Okay, fine, what do you suggest?
Amy: We just had a lovely meal, the band is on fire, and you’re sitting next to a beautiful woman wearing whorish makeup. Why don’t we head outon the dance floor and see if I can sweat through these dress shields.
Leonard: Once again, I, I’m really not much of a dancer.
Amy: Don’t worry, I’ll lead. (They do the Birdie Song dance)
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is playing with a lightsabre.
Amy: Howard?
Howard: Ready for bed?
Bernadette: No. I need to brush my teeth, but your mother’s been in the bathroom for, like, an hour.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, she sometimes has problems doing her business. Hang on. Ma, give up! Tonight’s not your night!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You don’t know that! I just sat down!
Howard: Come on, take a break! Bernadette needs to brush her teeth!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): She can come in and brush her teeth! I’m not embarrassed!
Howard: Problem solved.
Bernadette: No, it’s not. I’m not going in there.
Howard: Oh, come on, honey. She’s just sitting in there reading a magazine. You can’t see anything. I go in all the time.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Ha! The eagle has landed!
Howard: And we have splashdown. Wait here, I’m gonna go light a candle. And then we make passionate love.
Scene: The stairwell. Amy is helping Leonard up the stairs.
Amy: There we go, last floor.
Leonard: I just can’t figure out what happened. I put my left leg in, I took my left leg out, I put my left leg in, and something just snapped.
Amy: The hokey pokey is a young man’s game.
Leonard: I did have a great time. Thank you for reminding me it’s okay to have fun once in a while.
Amy: You’re welcome.
Leonard: And also for breaking the head off the ice swan so I could hold it against my pulled groin.
Amy: I excel at spatial reasoning, and I had a hunch that the graceful slope of its neck would cradle your genitals nicely.
Leonard: Well, okay. Again, thank you.
Amy: And again, you’re welcome.
Leonard: Want to come in, have a cup of tea?
Amy: No, thanks. I’m gonna head home.
Leonard: Okay. Well, good night.
Amy: Good night. (Heads across corridor and knocks on Penny’s door)
Penny: Ames, hi. How was the wedding?
Amy: Great. Until I accidentally made Leonard fall in love with me.
Penny: Come in, let’s talk. Do you want a glass of wine?
Amy: Wine is one of the reasons I’m in this fix. That and this dang pelvis.
Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, what exactly happened?
Amy: The inevitable, he was lonely and vulnerable from missing his girlfriend, while I was charming, supportive and, let’s face it, in this dress, the perfect combination of Madonna and whore.
Penny: Oh, God, did he make a move on you?
Amy: No, but it’s only a matter of time. How could I have not seen this coming? Now I’m gonna have to break the little sad sack’s heart.
Penny: Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be okay.
Amy: Oh, Penny, much as I would treasure knowing that the two of us had been defiled by the same man, Leonard just doesn’t get my motor running.
Penny: So, um, what are you gonna do? Do you want me to talk to Leonard, let him down easy?
Amy: No. I’ll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you’ve got a better shot than he does.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth.
Leonard: Sounds like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did. How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send a message. She is not for you.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Not for you!
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Good morning, handsome.
Howard: Morning, Mom.
Bernadette: It’s me.
Howard: Yes, it is, and you’re so pretty in the morning.
Bernadette: Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Howard: Oh, wow. So you guys are getting along?
Bernadette: Yeah, I guess. We’re very different people, Howard, so communication’s a little tricky.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Does he like the pancakes?!
Bernadette (in a similar voice): He didn’t try them yet!
Howard: Is there any butter?
Bernadette: It’s butter-flavoured syrup.
Howard: Oh.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): So, what’s the word?
Bernadette: He wants butter!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s butter-flavoured syrup
Bernadette: I just told him that!
Howard: I don’t need any butter.
Bernadette: If you want butter, I’ll get you butter.
Howard: Well, I guess I’ll cut these by myself.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, hey Ma, what’s for dinner?”
Sheldon: Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too.
Leonard: Hey, how go the wedding plans, Howard?
Howard: Great. We spent five hours last night at Macy’s registering for gifts. Looks like I’m finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I’ve always wanted.
Leonard: See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want.
Howard: You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?
Leonard: Maybe. We enter the dungeon.
Sheldon: You see a dragon.
Howard: Really? So we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn’t that a little on the nose?
Sheldon: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?
Leonard: Are you gonna eat that whole pie?
Raj: Maybe. Why not? Who do I have in my life to watch my figure for?
Leonard: Oh, God, did you watch Bridget Jones again?
Raj: No, it’s just that everybody’s got someone. Sheldon’s with Amy, Howard’s getting married, you’re dating my sister.
Leonard: Now that Howard’s getting married, maybe he’ll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you.
Raj: You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas.
Howard: Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas.
Raj: That’s cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.
Raj: I don’t know if I want to play anymore.
Sheldon: Because you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: Now, I assume we use this same wax later on to neaten up each other’s bikini regions.
Penny: Yeah, my bikini region is fine.
Amy: Who’s shocked? I’m not. So, Bernadette, how’s the wedding planning going? And I’m not asking as a prospective bridesmaid. Pick me! Pick me!
Bernadette: We went cake-tasting yesterday. Raj came along. He cried and ate half the samples.
Penny: Oh, the poor guy’s so lonely. We should set him up with someone.
Bernadette: You know, I met a really cute girl at work. She’s married to a guy in one of our drug trials.
Penny: Well, hello? She’s married.
Bernadette: Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he’s in the placebo group.
Penny: Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Are we ready to order?
Sheldon: One moment. I’m conducting an experiment.
Howard: With Dungeons and Dragons dice?
Sheldon: Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.
Howard: So, what’s for dinner?
Sheldon: A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting.
Penny: Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please?
Howard: Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.
Penny: Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please.
Sheldon: Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.
Leonard: Do you really want that?
Sheldon: That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.
Raj: What’s it thinking about now?
Sheldon: Hamburgers and lemonade.
Penny: Um, Raj, there’s someone I want you to meet. This is my friend Emily. I know her from my spin class. Raj, relax. She can’t hear you. She’s deaf.
Howard (signing): Emily, this is our friend Raj.
Penny: Oh! Look at you guys just hitting it off. I am so good.
Raj: Hi.
Howard: She says it’s nice to meet you.
Raj: Does she really mean that or was she signing it sarcastically?
Howard: Raj says it’s nice to meet you, too. She says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you want to text her and get together.
Raj: Okay, I’m going to play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe.
Howard: He’ll text you.
Raj: Ah, look at that. I have a date. I love America again.
Sheldon: And now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about!
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Okay, as soon as she gets here, so she knows I’m cool with it, I’m going to make a joke about her being deaf. I was thinking, hey, did you hear the one about…? Oh, no, I bet you didn’t.
Howard: Maybe we should revisit your lonely fat guy plan.
Raj: Oh, she’s here.
Howard: No joke. Oh, she says she’s sorry she’s late.
Raj: Tell her it doesn’t matter. Tell her, her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens.
Howard: Really? That’s the first thing you want to say?
Raj: I worked on it all night. Use it.
Howard: Look, I don’t know the sign for opalescent.
Raj: Then spell it.
Howard: I don’t know how to spell it.
Raj: You’re blowing this for me!
Howard: He likes your eyes.
Raj: You’re making me sound like a caveman.
Howard: She says, thank you, you have nice eyes, too.”
Raj: Really? Ask her how many children she wants, and whatever number she says, say, me too.
Howard: No.
Raj: Fine. Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice like James Earl Jones.
Howard: She doesn’t know what James Earl Jones sounds like.
Raj: Great. Then she won’t know I’m lying.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: Let’s see, what else can I tell you about me that would make you like me? Ooh, I love music. Do you love music?
Howard: You really want to ask her that?
Raj: You’re right. Everyone loves music.
Howard: She says, do you play an instrument?
Raj: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boy band called Frankie Goes to Bollywood. But I couldn’t get any other boys to join, so my parents asked the servants to be my backup dancers. Wait, when you sign servants, don’t sign it like I’m bragging. Sign it in a way that I sound humble with just a hint of, that’s right, I had servants.
Howard: Do you hear yourself
Raj: Yes, but she doesn’t. So get signing, hand monkey.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard (translating for Emily): I think I wrote a letter to Santa Claus every day. And then on Christmas morning, under the tree is a little puppy with a red ribbon.
Raj: What are you doing?
Howard: Texting Bernadette that I’m gonna be late.
Raj: Dude, what is she saying?
Howard: It’s a funny story about a puppy. Just smile and laugh. Quick, quick, stop smiling.
Raj: What? Why?
Howard: The puppy died, it choked on a doll head. Sad face, sad face!
Scene: Outside the coffee shop.
Raj: It’s a little hard to see with the city lights, but that W-shaped constellation is Cassiopeia. And she was the mother of Andromeda who’s over there.
Howard: Look, pretty stars. This is her car. She hopes she can see you again sometime.
Raj: Good, good. Oh, boy, help me out here. Does she want me to kiss her or not?
Howard: I speak sign language, I don’t read minds.
Raj: If you were me, would you kiss her?
Howard: Yeah, but I’m a make out king. (She kisses Raj and gets into car)
Raj: I was so smooth on that date.
Howard: You? I made you smooth. You were an idiot.
Raj: Whatever, dude. She kissed me.
Howard: It might’ve been on your lips, but it was my kiss.
Raj: Oh, fine. Let’s agree she kissed both of us.
Howard: Okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon: Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard: You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
Penny: Is Raj out with Emily again?
Leonard: Yeah, every night for the last month.
Penny: Wow, can’t believe he has a girlfriend.
Sheldon (rolls dice): Me neither.
Howard: Here’s some other fun news on the Raj/Emily front. He gave her a pair of diamond earrings and leased her a car.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: You think she’s taking advantage of him?
Penny: Oh, of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s deaf.
Leonard: Deaf women can’t be gold diggers?
Penny: Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that.
Sheldon: Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
Leonard: Could you tell us?
Sheldon: Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
Sheldon: Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean, vastly wealthy?
Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.
Leonard: Look, I know they have money. I don’t think it’s that much.
Sheldon: No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
Howard: What the hell? The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro.
Leonard: Listen, guys, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to go call Raj’s sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
Penny: Okay, so he’s got money, and it’s a few gifts and a car.
Howard: And she got him to pay off all her credit cards.
Penny: What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.
Howard: He’s not going to listen, he’s in love.
Sheldon: Can’t figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to… (rolls dice) stay right here.
Scene: The gym.
Howard: Yeah, this is a bad idea. We should go.
Penny: No. I’m the one that introduced him to her. I’ve got to say something.
Howard: Wow.
Penny: You’re engaged to my friend.
Howard: Hey, Bernadette doesn’t mind where I get my motor running, as long as I park in the right garage.
Penny: I can’t believe you’re engaged to my friend. Oh, here she comes.
Howard: Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick can’t hear you.
Penny: Hi.
Howard (translating): Oh, hey, hi. Nice to see you.
Penny: Um, can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard: She says, sure, what about him?
Penny: Okay, um, gosh, how do I start? Um, see, Raj is kind of naive. I mean, he hasn’t dated a whole lot of women. And I’m concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him. You know, by letting him buy you a bunch of expensive things.And I.. I… Howard, focus. Tell her what I’m saying.
Howard: Right. Are you a gold digger or not? Oh, uh, something, something, who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself. Oh, wait, I got this now.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. She answers the door.
Raj: I’m so mad at you!
Penny: Okay, wait…
Raj: How dare you ambush my girlfriend at the gym!
Penny: We didn’t mean for it to be an ambush. Just, it’s kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people. And hey, since when are you so chatty?
Raj: I’m hammered.
Penny: Raj, come here. This girl is trouble. I mean, what kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you sex?
Raj: The best one I ever had!
Penny: Okay, come on. You know you can do better.
Raj: Aha. I see what’s going on here. You and I had our crazy night together, and now you can’t stand to see me with another woman.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Raj: It’s okay. I can’t get mad at your feelings.
Penny: I don’t have feelings.
Raj: Yeah, that’s good. Keep telling yourself that. (Storms out)
Penny: He is cuter now that I know he’s rich.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: I have a surprise for you. Cover your eyes. Open them. It’s a real ruby. It was a little expensive, but no one can put a price on love. Although, the people at Cartier took a pretty good shot at it. (Skype tone from computer) Oh, Mummy, Daddy. What a nice surprise.
Dr Koothrappali: No, it’s not a nice surprise, it’s a bad surprise.
Mrs Koothrappali: Penny called us.
Raj: Penny?
Mrs Koothrappali: She told us you’re spending all our money on your new girlfriend.
Raj: I just got her a couple of things. She gives me things, too.
Dr Koothrappali: Yeah, yeah, I’m a gynaecologist. I know exactly what she gives you.
Mrs Koothrappali: You need to find a nice Indian girl from a good family. If you keep seeing this woman, you’re cut off.
Raj: What? You’re going to make me choose between the woman I love and the money I have very strong feelings for?
Dr Koothrappali: It’s up to you.
Raj: Well, I choose love.
Dr Koothrappali: Hah. You’re an idiot. Love doesn’t last. Well, he’s going to find out eventually. Think about it.
Raj: My parents are making me choose between money and you. I choose you. (She signs) No, I think we’ll have to return the car. (Again) And that necklace, yeah, that, too. But none of those things matter, because we have something better. We have love.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: Oh, Penny, I hurt so bad.
Penny: I know, I know.
Raj: Sometimes I put the TV on mute just to pretend she’s still with me. But I can’t watch the closed captioning without crying.
Penny: Oh, I’m so sorry. I wish I could make you feel better.
Raj: Seriously? I’m heartbroken and you’re hitting on me?
Penny: What? No!
Raj: Look, Penny, you’re great, but I had a long talk with my parents, and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Raj: Mmm. Oh, cheesecake, you’re just as good as a woman, even though I can’t have sex with you.
Howard: Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.
Sheldon: Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks.
Penny: Here you go, boys. I’ll pick it up when you’re ready.
Howard: Thanks for dinner, buddy.
Leonard: Yeah, real big of you.
Sheldon: Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Penny: Oh, and don’t cheap out on the tip. We all know you’re loaded now.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: It’s from Game of Thrones. What do you think?
Sheldon: I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?
Leonard: What did you have in mind?
Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.
Leonard: It would be a replica of a movie prop.
Sheldon: Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.
Leonard: Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?
Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?
Leonard: Just Bilbo Baggins’ sword over there.
Sheldon: Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it.
Stuart: Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.
Leonard: Yeah. It’s okay, I guess.
Sheldon: Okay? It’s magnificent.
Leonard: Buh-buh-buh-buh! What do you want for it?
Stuart: Oh, it’s hard to put a price on something that’s a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let’s say 250?
Leonard: Oh, that’s pretty steep.
Stuart: Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.
Sheldon: Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it.
Leonard: Hang on. Can you do any better?
Stuart: Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount.
Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.
Leonard: Slow down. Two hundred.
Sheldon: What are you doing? Two fifty is already the discounted price.
Leonard: Will you shut up?
Stuart: Tell you what, I’ll go two thirty-five.
Leonard: Nope. Maybe another time.
Stuart: Okay, two twenty five, my final offer.
Sheldon: Take it, take it.
Leonard: Two hundred.
Stuart: Man, you’re killing me!
Sheldon: Killing you? I can’t breathe.
Stuart: Two ten, and I’m losing money.
Sheldon: Oh, now, we can’t let him lose money, Leonard. I’m so sorry.
Leonard: Two ten and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
Stuart: Are you crazy? That helmet’s signed by Robert Downey Jr.
Leonard: So?
Stuart: Okay, if you’re going to question the importance of an actor’s signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!
Leonard: Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten.
Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.
Leonard: See that? I just saved us forty bucks.
Sheldon: I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.
Stuart: You want me to wrap it?
Leonard: No, it’s okay. I’m gonna stab my friend in the chest.
Wil Wheaton (entering): Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Ah, hey, Wil.
Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.
Sheldon: It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?
Wil: No.
Sheldon: I’m not surprised.
Stuart: Here’s the Batman 612 with the Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted.
Wil: Awesome. What do I owe you?
Stuart: Forty bucks.
Wil: Good deal.
Sheldon: Sucker. Didn’t even ask for the friends and family discount.
Wil: Hey, I’m having a party at my house on Friday, and I was hoping you would stop by.
Stuart: Will there be girls there?
Wil: Yeah, of course.
Stuart: ‘Cause there wasn’t last time.
Wil: There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by.
Leonard: Thank you.
Wil: All right, great. Later.
Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.
Leonard: I was actually thinking about going.
Sheldon: And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.
Leonard: No, I was gonna grab Raj and Howard and have a good time.
Stuart: Oh, great, more guys. It’s gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, can you grab me a water?
Sheldon: Possibly.
Leonard: Can you or can’t you?
Sheldon: It’s not that simple, Leonard.
Leonard: It never is, is it?
Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.
Leonard: Got it. Can I have my water?
Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.
Penny: Wait, what is going on?
Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger’s cat is a thought experiment…
Penny: No, no, no, no, I didn’t forget. Um, there’s this cat in a box and until you open it, it’s either dead or alive or both. Although, back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother’s camp trunk, and we did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of dead cat in there.
Amy: Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You’re the whole package, aren’t you?
Howard (arriving): Sorry I’m late. Uh, I got great news. NASA picked my team’s design for the deep field space telescope that’s going on the International Space Station this spring.
All: Wow.
Bernadette: Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!
Howard: It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.
Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.
Howard: Who’s Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn’t know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
Howard: It’s me, Sheldon. It’s me. I’m going up in space! Technically, I’m an astronaut.
All: Wow, that’s amazing!
Bernadette: Hang on a second. NASA doesn’t have a shuttle any more. How are you going to get up there?
Howard: Oh, well, it’s really cool. You fly to Moscow, they take you out to Kazakhstan, and then you get into a Russian Soyuz rocket which shoots you into a low earth orbit. Or just sits there on the launch pad because the Kazakhi mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard: Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl.
Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.
All: Cheers.
Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Simultaneously, a festival of cloying clichés. You sicken me.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: You’re really quiet. Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Fine. Just a little tired.
Howard: I hope not too tired, because I’m feeling particularly masculine right now. All systems go, if you catch my drift.
Bernadette: I always catch your drift.
Howard: All right, well, something’s obviously bugging you. What is it?
Bernadette: I just can’t believe you signed up for the space program without even talking to me.
Howard: Oh, I get it. You’re worried about me. That is so sweet. You know, there’s a saying we have at NASA. What makes the right stuff so right is that it always comes home.
Bernadette: Just stop talking, Howard.
Howard: This isn’t the reaction I expected when I told you I was gonna be an astronaut.
Bernadette: What did you think was going to happen?
Howard: Honestly? Sex.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: Do you realize what a big deal this is? What an honour it is to be chosen to go into space?
Bernadette: Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision. We’re supposed to be partners. We’re supposed to be a team.
Howard: I’m sorry. You’re right. Okay, let’s try this again. Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us, and I’d like to discuss it.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: I’ve been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks. What are your thoughts on that?
Bernadette: Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision-making process.
Howard: Hey, we’re a team. So, what do you think?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: No?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Well why not?
Bernadette: Howard, my father was a police officer. We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive. It was horrible. And I don’t want to live that way with you.
Howard: Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11. We never saw him again.
Bernadette: Oh, boo-hoo, you’re not going to space!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Pretty cool about Howard, huh?
Sheldon: Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.
Leonard: For God’s sake, will you stop with the Schrodinger stuff.
Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?
Leonard: You never stop talking, do you?
Amy: I don’t understand. What differences does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton’s party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon’s mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.
Amy: A floppy disk?
Sheldon: Well, I started the list when I was nine.
Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
All: Oh! Oh, God!
Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Howard?
Howard: Change your mind about sex? I’m still mad, but I’ll do it.
Bernadette: No, I’ve just been thinking. It doesn’t matter if I’m afraid for your safety. I don’t want to be the person who stands between you and your dreams.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Really. If going into space means that much to you, I will never say another word about it.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. So, sex now?
Bernadette: Okay. I just forgot to brush my teeth. I’ll be right back. (Exits)
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Over my dead body my son goes into outer space!
Bernadette: I’m ready.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Wait, let me see if I got this right. You actually asked Bernadette to leave your house in the middle of the night?
Howard: What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me.
Raj: Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star.
Howard: Little bit.
Leonard: I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you.
Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.
Leonard: Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.
Leonard: I’m going to a party. I’m not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!
Sheldon: Not yet.
Raj: So, what’s gonna happen next? Are you and Bernadette going to break up?
Howard: I don’t know. If we’re going to get back together, she’s going to have to apologize and accept that I’m a grown man who can make his own decisions.
Raj: Then she’s going to have to convince your mother to let you go into space.
Howard: Obviously.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: I had no choice. I had to tell his mother. He can’t go to space. He’s like a baby bird. Do you know he once got an asthma attack from reading an old library book?
Amy: You’re kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to break up over this.
Penny: Okay, why don’t you just tell him you made a mistake?
Bernadette: Do you guys think it was a mistake? Am I the bad guy in this?
Amy: It’s not for us to judge. We’re just here to provide comfort and support while you come to grips with what a despicable thing you’ve done.
Bernadette: Oh, God, you’re right. I took our love and threw it under his bus-sized mother. I need to apologize.
Penny: Well, that, that’s good. I’m glad you came to that. But before you do, let me just ask you a big picture question.
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Are you a hundred percent positive you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette: I do, with all my heart.
Penny: Got it. Just had to check.
Amy: He’s great.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.
Leonard: You want to drive?
Raj: Sure.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.
Leonard: No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.
Sheldon: Brent Spiner?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: I don’t care.
Leonard: Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him.
Sheldon: I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.
Leonard: I’m going. Live long and prosper, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, Bernadette’s here!
Howard: Tell her I’m not home!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
Bernadette: Can we talk?
Howard: You can. I have nothing to say.
Bernadette: All right. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry I said something to your mother.
Howard: I was gonna tell her eventually, but you went behind my back.
Bernadette: I know. I’m sorry. I got scared.
Howard: If you’re gonna love me, you’re gonna have to love the whole package, the tenderhearted poet and the crazy daredevil.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Well, don’t say it if you’re not gonna mean it, ’cause I’m not just gonna stop with the space station. Yeah, I want to go to the Moon, I want to go to Mars. I want to take a one-man sub to the lowest depths of the ocean.
Bernadette: Really? You got seasick on Pirates of the Caribbean.
Howard: Well, those big kids were rocking it.
Bernadette: I just did what I did because I love you so much, and the thought of losing you is more than I can handle.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: You’re my soul mate. This is where you kiss me.
Howard: Right, right.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Make up all you want! Your tuchus is not leaving this planet!
Scene: Wil Wheaton’s party.
Raj: Hey, you know that beautiful actress who plays the Borg Queen in First Contact?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: Well, I just met her gynaecologist!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.
Sheldon: What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.
Wil: This is for you.
Sheldon: An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Wil: I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.
Wil: Look at what I wrote.
Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: It’s my last one. I want you to have it.
Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!
Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?
Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.
Brent: Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?
Sheldon: You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.
Wil: Don’t worry. It doesn’t take up a whole lot of your time.
Sheldon: Come on, buddy. Let’s not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.
Leonard: Can we get autographed dolls?
Brent: Sure. Twenty bucks.
Leonard: Ten.
Brent: Eighteen.
Leonard: Twelve.
Brent: Sixteen.
Leonard: Two for thirty. And you come to my birthday party.
Brent: Done.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon’s mother is visiting.
Leonard: So what kind of cruise is this you’re going on?
Mrs Cooper: It’s called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you’d come with me, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.
Mrs Cooper: You’re missing out. It’s gonna be wall-to-wall fun. It’s all themed. There’s Jonah and the Whale Watching, all-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet, and my personal favourite, Gunning with God.
Leonard: What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness.
Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
Mrs Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam!
Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.
Mrs Cooper: Sounds delicious.
Sheldon: Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.
Leonard: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn’t want to cook.
Sheldon: Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.
Mrs Cooper: Actually, I wouldn’t mind going out for a bite, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me?
Leonard: All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.
Mrs Cooper: I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new.
Sheldon: There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re talking like a crazy person.
Mrs Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he’s fine.
Sheldon: Told you.
Mrs Cooper: Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.
Credits Sequence.
Scene: A sushi bar.
All: Irasshaimase!
Sheldon: Stop yelling! I’m not happy about this.
Leonard: What’s the last thing you were ever happy about?
Sheldon: The prospect of fried chicken.
Mrs Cooper: This is exciting. Back home, the diner on Route Four serves sushi, but it’s just cut up fish sticks and a side of Uncle Ben’s. They put it on the menu in those kung fu letters, but that don’t make it sushi.
Leonard: Uh, kung fu letters might not be politically correct.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I thought the one we couldn’t say was ching chong.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that, too.
Mrs Cooper: So, Shelly, what’s up with you and your friend Amy, if you don’t mind a mother prying a bit?
Sheldon: Well, there’s actually big news on the Amy front. She’s been studying the neurobiology of addiction in lower animals. She is this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine.
Mrs Cooper: Do you have any idea what’s going on with those two?
Leonard: It’s kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there’s something there, maybe there isn’t. We’ll probably never know. But sometimes it’s fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.
Mrs Cooper: How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you’re in some sort of a long distance situation?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, that’s a funny turn, isn’t it? You never think about it going the other way. Well, you can’t force things. You need to figure out if you’re in a relationship or if you’re just calling it one. It’s like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven but that don’t make ’em biscuits.
Sheldon: And that reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can’tmake your mother fry it.
Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: Please pester her. Please, for me.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?
Mrs Cooper: It was good. The only thing that would have made it better is if it was cooked and if it was beef. Sheldon, when is your landlord going to fix the elevator?
Sheldon: I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a missile silo.
Leonard: Your son seems to think we need to launch a pre-emptive strike on Burbank.
Sheldon: Get them before they get us.
Raj (Sitting against their front door, drinking a beer): Hey, look who decided to show up.
Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn’t find you guys so I bought six new friends. Three, sadly, are dead.
Sheldon: Mom, you remember Rajesh? Rajesh, my mother.
Raj: Of course. Mrs. Cooper. So nice to see you again.
Mrs Cooper: Well, it’s so nice to see you, too. I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don’t say that, either. I’ll make you a list.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, that would be mighty white of you. So, Raj, what pain are you trying to cover up with alcohol?
Raj: Nothing, I’m fine.
Mrs Cooper: Are ya?
Raj: No. (Bursts into tears)
Mrs Cooper: That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you.
Raj: I’m so lonely.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.
Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’?
Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.
Mrs Cooper: And when they’re drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?
Sheldon: Coffee.
Mrs Cooper: And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.
Raj: I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better.
Sheldon: I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?
Leonard: You want some Oreos?
Sheldon: Double Stuf?
Leonard: No, regular.
Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he’s down.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: I’m glad we’re finally getting to do something together, just the two of us.
Mrs Cooper: Sure. One thing you really miss when you’re on vacation is laundry.
Sheldon: Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.
Mrs Cooper: Well, this takes me back. Me doing your laundry, you next to me criticizing.
Sheldon: It is nice, isn’t it?
Penny (arriving): Mrs. Cooper. Hi!
Mrs Cooper: Oh, hello, darlin’.
Penny: Sheldon, you didn’t tell me your mom was coming.
Sheldon: It was in my weekly e-mail blast. Right between beet season is finally here, and uh-oh, red stool from beets leads to cancer scare.
Mrs Cooper: So, how’ve you been?
Penny: Good, good.
Mrs Cooper: I hear that Leonard has a new girlfriend. How are you doing with all that?
Penny: Oh, fine. You know, it’s been a while. I’m getting back out there.
Mrs Cooper: Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)
Penny: Well, it’s super cute on. That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.
Mrs Cooper: Hon, you think maybe the reason why you’re having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you’re letting them ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket?
Penny: Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all. And don’t beat yourself up. When I was your age, you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon: Now that will not be in this week’s e-mail blast.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, my word, a trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I’ve got a good book you could read.
Howard: Thanks, but I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, so I get the gist.
Mrs Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still.
Sheldon: I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.
Mrs Cooper: I don’t know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sightseeing.
Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?
Mrs Cooper: Come on, Sheldon, we’ll take your mom to see the Hollywood sign, the wax museum, the Walk of Fame.
Penny: Ooh, maybe a little Rodeo Drive.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.
Howard: What do you say?
Sheldon: What do I say? I say you people need to stop ruining my mom’s visit with your sushi, and your sadness and your slutty shirts. Stop it.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): He’s not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.
Scene: The kitchen.
Leonard: These are delicious.
Mrs Cooper: The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.
Leonard: Everything? Aren’t you worried about your health?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly.
Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.
Mrs Cooper: Apology accepted.
Sheldon: Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.
Mrs Cooper: I am still going out with your friends.
Sheldon: But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us.
Sheldon: I’m not going, and you can’t make me.
Mrs Cooper: You’re right, I can’t. Have a nice day.
Sheldon: Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind.
Mrs Cooper: Well, then you are going to stand there all day.
Leonard: I’m just gonna take my bacon grease and slide over there.
Sheldon: I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.
Mrs Cooper: I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.
Sheldon: We appear to be at a crossroads in our relationship, Mother.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I guess we are.
Leonard: Sorry. Syrup.
Sheldon: All right, Mom. When you’re at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend the day with the world’s most wonderful son, believe it, because it’s true. (Grabs pancakes and snatches syrup from Leonard’s hand)
Leonard: I hadn’t…
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on the nursery wall with the contents of my diaper. (Sneezes)
Amy: Are you getting sick?
Sheldon: No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.
Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority?
Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.
Amy: Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology.
Sheldon: Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else.
Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?
Amy: Actually, some research indicates that by not over-thinking, the less intelligent handle emotions better. (He sneezes again) Sure you’re not coming down with a cold?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, the common cold. Just like everyone else. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?
Scene: A church.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, this one’s sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard: Mrs. Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mrs Cooper: My goodness, it’s a wonder you people in California can talk at all.
Penny: This is like the worst Hollywood tour ever.
Leonard: What are you gonna do? She wanted to see churches.
Penny: Hey, they have wine here, don’t they?
Raj (pointing at a crucifixion statue): Hey, none of our gods have abs like that.
Howard: Yep, that’s the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.
Mrs Cooper: Hey, while we’re here, why don’t we all do some praying? Let’s put a little church in this church.
Leonard: Oh, I’m not sure we should.
Mrs Cooper: It’s easy. I’ll show you how. Lord, Mary Cooper here. Coming to you from Gomorrah, California. I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my Bible. All right, Penny, your turn.
Penny: Okay, um, hey, God. What’s up? Um, I’m good, but, uh, it would be a big help to my family if you could get my brother to stop cooking meth. But no cops. Be cool.
Mrs Cooper: She also goes a little overboard on the love thy neighbour. Could probably use that chat you had with Mary Magdalene. Leonard, you’re up. Wasserman, you’re on deck.
Leonard: Okay. I don’t know, it’s probably a little late to ask you to make me taller. Oh, um, if you could help out with me and my girlfriend. She’s all the way in India. That would be great.
Mrs Cooper: Hear that? Girl trouble. Turns out we were both wrong on that front. How about you?
Howard: Oh, me? No. Thanks, I’m good. I’m really just trying not to burst into flames.
Mrs Cooper: Rajesh?
Howard: He says he’s having trouble dropping those last five pounds.
Mrs Cooper: Huh, I might have gone with the talking-to-girls thing.
Howard: No, you only get one wish.
Scene: A park bench. Sheldon is sitting. A stranger sits next to him.
Sheldon: Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist. The kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. You, the common man, tired from your labours as a stockbroker, or vacuum cleaner salesman, or bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we’re just two peas in a pod. A regular pea, and the kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. Rain. Another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike. (The stranger puts up an umbrella) Smarty-pants.
Scene: The kitchen.
Penny: Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
Mrs Cooper: You take notes, darlin’. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He’ll die at 50 but his love will be true.
Sheldon (entering, soaked): I need a tissue.This one got wet.
Leonard: Here.
Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)
Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, are you sick?
Sheldon: I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed.
Sheldon: Okay.
Mrs Cooper: Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby.
Sheldon: And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.
Mrs Cooper: Of course.
Sheldon: Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?
Mrs Cooper: You can have whatever you want.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.You’re the best.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Mrs Cooper: Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you, you didn’t have hair on your chest.
Sheldon: I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.
Mrs Cooper: And whose fault was that?
Sheldon: Yours.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship.
Sheldon: No, we don’t. The one we have works great.
Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, you are a grown man.
Sheldon: Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston.
Sheldon: Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty?
Mrs Cooper: No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Leonard (at door): Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?
Sheldon: Get out!
Mrs Cooper: Well, that was rude.
Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mrs Cooper: Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…
Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mrs Cooper (to God): This is what I’m talking about. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o’clock.
Ghostly voice: Sheldon, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.
Ghostly voice: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.
Raj: You should’ve seen your face.
Sheldon: Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.
Howard: Come on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask)
Raj: He’s probably right.
Howard: We can’t beat him. He’s just too smart.
Sheldon: Gentlemen. (Turns and sees Leonard. Screams and faints).
Howard: Who had money on faints?
Raj: I had pee his pants.
Leonard: Hang on. Looks like everyone’s a winner.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!
Sheldon: Droll.
Howard:Not as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine.
Leonard: That was pretty droll. With a hint of ammonia.
Sheldon: Yes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you’ve poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you’ve forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I’m Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.
Stuart: Hot girl, nine o’clock. Don’t everybody look at once!
Raj: What is she doing in a comic book store?
Stuart: I don’t know, she might be lost. Doesn’t matter. Watch and learn. Hi.
Hot girl: Hi.
Stuart: Um… it-it-it… (returns to guys) Shut up.
Hot girl (to Leonard): Are you getting this Next Men?
Leonard: Uh, yeah. It’s issue number 21. First appearance of Hellboy.
Hot girl: I know. I’ve been looking for it for years.
Leonard: Sorry.
Hot girl: Hey, if I pretended to hit on you, could I distract you enough to sneak it away?
Leonard: Yes, but you’d be using your superpowers for evil.
Hot girl: Damn, I’m forbidden by my Kryptonian father to do so. I am Alice.
Leonard: Leonard.
Alice: You are very cute, Leonard.
Leonard: Thanks. You, too. You know, go ahead and take it.
Alice: No, no. No, no, I, I, I did evil. Would you be open to a trade?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, I guess.
Alice: Okay. Here. This is my number, call me.
Leonard: Sorry, palm’s a little sweaty. What’s that word?
Alice: Alice.
Leonard: Oh, right, your name. That makes more sense than penis.
Alice: Later.
Howard: Did we just see you pick up a girl in a comic book store?
Stuart: ‘Cause if you did, you get your picture up there on the Wall of Heroes.
Leonard: No, I don’t think I picked her up. Besides, I have a girlfriend.
Stuart: Doesn’t matter. This is the closest anyone’s ever come. You’re going on the wall, my friend.
Scene: Entering the apartment building.
Sheldon: Be sure to check the mail.
Leonard: How many times are you gonna tell me? What’s with you?
Sheldon: Nothing. It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality.
Leonard: Right.
Penny: Hey, guys.
Leonard: More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?
Penny: Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.
Sheldon: Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.
Leonard: Will you relax? I’ll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work?
Sheldon: Open the mail!
Leonard: Excuse me. (Sheldon holds fingers in ears) A couple of circulars, nothing important.
Penny: What’s with him?
Leonard: Hang on. (Sheldon opens mail box. A loud horn blows and a balloon with Leonard’s face on pops out. Sheldon faints again.) You might be from Texas, but I’m from New Jersey.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is with Alice.
Leonard: Check it out. Jim Lee drew this of me two years ago at Comic Con.
Alice: What are you wearing?
Leonard: Well, you know, it’s Comic Con. I’m Lion-O from ThunderCats.
Alice: Wow, you must have gotten so laid.
Leonard: No. But Jessica Alba did rub my furry belly.
Alice: Want to see a comic I draw?
Leonard: You’re kidding. You have your own book?
Alice: Yeah. It’s kinda based on my life.
Leonard: Cool. Oh, look. That’s you having sex with a guy in the top half of a Chewbacca costume. Comic Con?
Alice: You’d think, but no.
Leonard: You’re very talented. This is really good. Did you do… (she kisses him.)
Alice: So, can I trade you my comic for the Hellboy?
Leonard: You can have my car.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon (creeps into office carrying a box): Oh, dear. (Reaches into box, picks up a snake) Oh, dear. (Puts snake into Raj’s top drawer) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Purell, Purell, Purell, Purell.
Raj (entering): Good morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.
Raj: You have a thing of paper clips right there.
Sheldon: well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?
Raj: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Be a lamb and check.
Raj: All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here?
Sheldon: It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.
Raj: Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer?
Sheldon: Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.
Raj: Let’s go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice.
Sheldon: I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You’re better than this.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. There is a knock.
Penny: It’s open.
Leonard: Hey, you got a minute?
Penny: Yeah, sure, come on in.
Leonard: Thanks.
Penny: Want some mac and cheese?
Leonard: No. Lactose. Gas.
Penny: Glass of wine?
Leonard: No. Sulfites. Migraines.
Penny: Okay, well, I’d offer you Halloween candy, but that’s gone. So, what’s up?
Leonard: Okay, we used to go out, right?
Penny: Oh, my God, that’s where I know you from.
Leonard: I’m dealing with a situation and it’s kind of about my love life, so I know that might be weird for us to talk about, but in this area, as you know, all my other friends are just so stupid.
Penny: All right, what’s going on?
Leonard: So, you’re okay talking about this?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: You’re sure it’s not weird.
Penny: It’s okay.
Leonard: You know what, if you ever want to talk to me about a problem in your life with a guy, then I would be fine with that.
Penny: Okay, good, because there’s this one guy I used to date who’s about to be force-fed wine and cheese if he doesn’t get to the point.
Leonard: Okay, uh, here it is. Is it cheating if a guy has a girlfriend…
Penny: Yeah, probably.
Leonard: Come on.
Penny: I’m sorry, go ahead.
Leonard: I met this girl, and she’s great. We have a lot in common.
Penny: Did you guys do it?
Leonard: No. We just made out a little.
Penny: Oh, look at you, you bad boy. Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard: Well, I was gonna, but there were too many tongues in my mouth.
Penny: That’s gross.
Leonard: Here’s the thing, I, I’m not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman.
Penny: Well, good for you.
Leonard: The problem is, I want to be one of those guys.
Penny: So sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya.
Leonard: Oh, that’s not who I am.
Penny: All right, then break it off with the new girl.
Leonard: Now, let’s not do anything rash. She’s really hot.
Penny: If you like this girl so much, why don’t you just end things with Priya?
Leonard: Priya and I are in love. I think we could get married someday.
Penny: Leonard, you’re looking for a way to sleep with both women and have everybody be happy about it.
Leonard: Now we’re getting somewhere.
Penny: What does your gut tell you?
Leonard: Go ask Penny; she’ll know what to do.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is adjusting a device on his arm.
Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I’ve realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Science. You wouldn’t understand.
Leonard: Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.)
Sheldon: I thought you were leaving the apartment.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind.
Sheldon: Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?
Leonard: No. I’m having a moral crisis.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.
Leonard: Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India.
Sheldon: All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.
Leonard: Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do.
Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.
Leonard: That actually does help.
Sheldon: It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.
Leonard: Screw it, I’m going.
Sheldon: On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?
Leonard: Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now.
Sheldon: Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Great. Tropicana, no pulp.
Scene: Howard’s house. Sheldon rings the doorbell.
Howard: Hey, Sheldon.
Bernadette (off): Who is it?
Sheldon: It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz.
Howard: That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really? That’s very unsettling.
Bernadette: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Howard: What’s up?
Sheldon: It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.
Howard: Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then?
Sheldon: Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun!
Howard: Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses)
Bernadette: Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon: It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.
Bernadette: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette: This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon: We are?
Bernadette: You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot.
Sheldon: Oh, no! I can’t!
Bernadette: Hurry! We’re running out of time!
Sheldon: Okay.
Bernadette: Just do it!
Sheldon: Oh, God! One, two, three!
Howard: Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon: What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu… (puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself).
Scene: Alice’s apartment. Alice and Leonard are kissing.
Leonard: Damn it, I can’t. I can’t, I can’t do this.
Alice: Uh, is it my tongue stud? ‘Cause if that freaks you out, you’re in for a real surprise later on.
Leonard: No, no, no. I, I can’t do this. Believe me, I really want to.
Alice: But?
Leonard: But I kind of have a girlfriend.
Alice: Are you kidding?
Leonard: You’re cool with you and me just being friends, right?
Alice: I don’t believe this.
Leonard: Wait, I don’t, which part?
Alice: I’m so stupid. I thought for once I’d met a good guy, but you’re just another jackass.
Leonard: Oh, no, no, you have it wrong. No. I, I was going to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I stayed a good guy, so, I’m gonna pass on the sex. But you should know, that’s not a comment on your hotness but on my goodness. That’s kind of my superpower. I’m, like, Captain Good Guy.
Scene: Leonard being ejected into the corridor.
Leonard: It’s okay. Did the right thing. You idiot!
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is on skype.
Leonard: Hey, Priya.
Priya: Hey, sweetheart. How’s it going?
Leonard: Uh, not so good. We have to talk.
Priya: Oh, sounds serious. What’s up?
Leonard: Okay, uh, here it is. I met this girl and I kissed her, and I feel terrible about it. But it’s done, it’s never gonna happen again. And I am so, so sorry.
Priya: Leonard, relax. It’s okay.
Leonard: It is?
Priya: Yeah, these things happen. They happen to everybody.
Leonard: Oh, my God, you are amazing. I mean, I don’t deserve you. Wh, what do, what do you mean everybody?
Priya: Leonard, I didn’t know if I should tell you, but I kind of cheated on you, too.
Leonard: Uh, kind of?
Priya: A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. So, I guess we both messed up a little.
Leonard: No, no, I messed up a little. You messed up a lot.
Priya: Well, it’s not a competition.
Leonard: Oh yeah, it is, and you won. I, I, I’m, I’m sorry, I have to go. I don’t believe this.
Sheldon (leaping out of the base of the sofa): Bazinga, punk. Now we’re even.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?
Bernadette: Well, if you don’t mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
Amy: Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
Bernadette: Really?
Amy: Twelve years ago, my cousin Irene and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
Bernadette: That’s horrible.
Amy: Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odourless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out, still in the bags. The gowns, not the bridesmaids.
Bernadette: I don’t know. Dead people’s dresses?
Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh.
Amy: Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters.
Sheldon: Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny.
Leonard: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard: What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us?
Sheldon: I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists.
Penny: Okay, that time you looked at me.
Amy: Who didn’t? Your skin is like alabaster. Do you even have pores?
Sheldon: Topic one. Faster-than-light particles at CERN, paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese? And converse.
Penny: All right, who wants to go to my apartment and look at bridal magazines?
Bernadette: Oh, me.
Penny: Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving.
Amy: Wait for moi.
Sheldon: You’re leaving?
Amy: Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I’m a lady. And with that comes an oestrogen fuelled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.
Sheldon: Ah. New topic. Women, delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?
Raj: Totally. What’s wrong with cap sleeves? If you have the right figure for it, they’re adorable.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Hey, Amy, what brings you to our neck of the woods?
Amy: Your neurology department loaned me a culture of prions for my research on bovine spongiform encephalopathy.
Sheldon: She popped by to borrow a cup of mad cow disease.
Amy: It’s hard to make degenerative brain maladies hilarious, and yet somehow you do it.
Howard: That’s fun to have in a lunchroom.
Amy: The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.
Howard: Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject?
Sheldon: Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.
Leonard: This time, it’s your fault.
Sheldon: I have 100 alphabetized topics from artichoke, come on, people, it’s just a giant thistle, to zzz, the onamona-poetry of sleep.
Leonard: Amy, how long would it take for that mad cow disease to kill me?
Amy: I don’t know, four or five years.
Leonard: No, it’s not gonna do it.
Howard: Oy. Bernadette keeps texting me pictures of Penny in bridesmaid dresses.
Amy: They’re out shopping right now?
Howard: Yeah.
Amy: Just the two of them?
Howard: I guess.
Amy: That’s cool, that’s cool.
Howard: Why are they asking me about this stuff? What guy knows what a sweetheart neckline is? (Raj raises his hand)
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is horseracing on a Kinnect game.
Leonard: Leonard’s coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! Yes! First place. I would have been a great jockey if I weren’t too tall. And scared of horses. Sheldon, you’re up.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air.
Sheldon: Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.
Leonard: Did you try calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon: The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.
Leonard: If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right.
Sheldon: Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.
Leonard: I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat.
Sheldon: Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?
Leonard: You do?
Sheldon: Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.
Leonard: Forget about the bobcat.
Sheldon: How can I? You won’t stop talking about it.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing the harp.
Amy (singing): Everybody hurts, sometimes everybody cries. Everybody hurts, sometimes.
Sheldon (outside): She sounds weepy. I don’t like weepy. Let’s go.
Leonard: Uh, she’s your friend. Step up.
Leonard: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I’m single, I don’t need this crap.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.
Amy: I wanted to be alone.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.
Amy: Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me.
Sheldon: Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?
Amy: It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
Sheldon: If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.
Amy: Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me.
Sheldon: And that made you feel sad?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.
Amy: It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself.
Sheldon: When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind.
Sheldon: Always.
Amy: At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.
Sheldon: Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.
Amy: Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
Sheldon: Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.
Amy: How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.
Sheldon: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.
Amy: We cuddle. Final offer.
Sheldon: Very well. Oh, boy. (They cuddle, awkwardly.)
Amy: I’m just saying, second base is right there.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Mm, I’m thinking about adopting some quirky affectation, like a pipe or a monocle or a handlebar moustache.
Leonard: For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?
Raj: This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here.
Sheldon: The two of you need to get your women in line!
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.
Howard: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon: You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!
Leonard: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She’s not my girlfriend.
Sheldon: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Moo-shu is Penny.
Penny: Thank you. Where’s Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, he was up late last night, so I gave him an early dinner and put him to bed.
Bernadette: That’s so sweet.
Leonard: Yeah, but now he’s gonna be up at dawn and want to play.
Howard: So, listen, guys, the reason he was up late is because he was taking care of Amy. She’s kind of upset.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: Her feelings got hurt because you guys went dress shopping without her.
Bernadette: I told you that would happen.
Penny: Okay, look, this is her first time being a bridesmaid and she’s just getting a little crazy with it.
Bernadette: She keeps on telling us stories about bridesmaid traditions in other cultures, and they’re all about getting naked and washing each other.
Penny: Yeah, and she keeps trying to figure out if our cycles have synced up so we can call ourselves the Three Menstra-teers
Bernadette: We thought it would be easier to look at dresses one time without her. I feel terrible.
Penny: I know. Me, too. We’ll talk to her. Hey, wait, how did she find out?
Howard: Raj did it. And he says he would do it again. Okay, I’m sorry. You sent me the picture, I wasn’t thinking.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: Well, hey, I’m usually pretty good at not blabbing. You tell me tons of stuff about these guys, and I never repeat it.
Penny: What do you tell him?
Bernadette: Oh, you know, just pillow talk. You guys have nothing to worry about.
Leonard: Hold on, did you talk about us when we were dating?
Penny: No. All your little secrets are fine.
Bernadette: Yes, absolutely fine.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): I’ll tell you later.
Scene: Amy’s lab. Amy is dissecting a brain.
Amy: Come on, tumour. Come on, tumour, Mama needs an aggressive little glioblastoma. Yay, brain tumour! Probably not the same reaction you had when you got the news.
Penny: Hi.
Bernadette: Hello.
Amy: What are you doing here?
Penny: Well, look, we just wanted to apologize for not bringing you with us the other day.
Amy: That’s not necessary, it’s like Sesame Street says, one of these things is not like the other, one of these things should die alone.
Penny: Look, come on, Amy, look, let us make it up to you. We’ll have a girl’s night, we’ll do whatever you want.
Bernadette: We can go down to the Korean baths and do that thing you were talking about where we wash each other.
Penny: With-with loofah mitts, no hands.
Amy: It’s okay. I’m glad this happened. I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in-
the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.
Bernadette: Amy, we’re really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy: Don’t. I’ll be okay. You’re not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It’s like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Penny: Oh, come on, Amy.
Amy: You don’t get it. Look at this brain.
Penny: I don’t really want to.
Amy: This is us. Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you’re the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where’s Amy? She’s right here, the sad little tumour no one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette: Amy, you’re not a tumour. Penny, tell her she’s not a tumour. (Penny is vomiting in the dustbin).
Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is building his Lego Death Star. Phone rings.
Sheldon: Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with ahoy? Ahoy. I like it. Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I’m sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right. We’re on our way.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.
Leonard: Really? Amy?
Sheldon: Leonard, be glad you can’t keep a woman. They are a handful.
Scene: A liquor store parking lot.
Amy: Oh, look. It’s Sheldon and little Leonard. Hi, little Leonard.
Leonard: Hi, Amy.
Amy: Hey, Cuddles.
Leonard: Cuddles?
Sheldon: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.
Leonard: Amy, what are you doing here?
Amy: Well, I came here to get a bottle of wine like Penny taught me to do when you’re sad.
Leonard: Yeah, but why didn’t you go back to your apartment?
Amy: Didn’t you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out. Not that the rat bastards ever invited me.
Leonard: Maybe we should get you home.
Amy: Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?
Leonard: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon: I’m begging both of you, please, let’s go.
Leonard: Okay. Come on. Upsy-daisy.
Amy: Whee! Ooh, finally someone found second base.
Scene: Amy’s lab. She is dissecting a brain.
Amy: I know how you feel. I got a knife slicing through my frontal lobe, too.
Penny: Hi.
Amy: What do you want? Do you want me to give the friendship bracelet back?
Penny: I never gave you a friendship bracelet.
Amy: When we first met, I made one and pretended you gave it to me. You can have it back if you want.
Penny: No, you made that for you, I want you to have it.
Bernadette: We know you’re upset, and you have every right to be, but if it’s okay with you, we’d like a second chance to make things right.
Penny: We are really sorry, and we were trying to think of some way to show you how much we care about you.
Bernadette: Which is why it would mean so much if you would agree to be the maid of honour at my wedding.
Amy: What? Wait, is this some kind of practical joke? Like in Norway, when my friends trapped me in a sauna with a horny otter?
Bernadette: No. I, I want you to be the maid of honour.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. No one’s every asked me to be the maid of honour before. Well, that’s not true. Once, but then they all died.
Bernadette: So is that a yes?
Amy: Yes. Yes. Oh, my gosh, I, I have so much to do. There’s the bridal shower and the bachelorette party. What should we do for the bachelorette party? Oh, I know, we’ll go to a Native American sweat lodge, we’ll take peyote, roll around in the mud, and paint fertility symbols on Bernadette’s naked body. So that’s happening.
Penny: Yeah, sure, sure. Vegas is fun, too.
Amy: I feel like crying. Of course, I could just be hormonal. Oh, wait. Maybe our menses are finally syncing up. Bernadette? No? Penny?
Penny: Sorry.
Amy: Really?
Penny: Okay, yeah.
Amy: Yay!
Scene: A bridal store.
Amy: Maid of honour Amy Farrah Fowler’s amazing behind-the-scenes wedding video, take one.
Bernadette: We’re just trying on dresses, do we really need to record this?
Amy: I’m sorry, are you the maid of honour?
Bernadette: I am the bride.
Amy: So no. And action.
Penny (in a red bridesmaid dress): What do you think?
Bernadette: I love it!
Amy: What are you, a nun? Come on, bestie, let’s see some skin.
Cut to Amy in a lilac dress.
Bernadette: Oh, Amy! Looking sexy!
Amy: You think they don’t have mirrors in there? I know how I look.
Cut to Bernadette in a wedding dress.
Penny: Oh! Bernadette, you look beautiful!
Amy: You do.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Amy: Not Penny beautiful, but beautiful.
Cut to changing room door.
Amy: Come on, bestie, you’re up.
Penny (off): Give me a minute.
Amy: What is taking you so long? (Opens door. Penny is in her underwear)
Penny: Oh, Amy! Get the hell out of here!
Amy: – Sorry, sorry. (Swings camera away. Then back again)
Penny: Oh, God. Amy!
Amy: Sorry.
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You work the lunch shift?
Penny: Yeah. I’ve got eight pounds of salmon that’s about to go bad. Do you know how to cook it?
Leonard: Not really.
Penny: Damn it. Should have liberated the iffy chicken. What are you and Professor Fussyface up to tonight?
Leonard: Star Wars on Blu-ray.
Penny: Haven’t you seen that movie, like, a thousand times?
Leonard: Not on Blu-ray. Only twice on Blu-ray.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Leonard: I know, it’s high-resolution sadness.
Penny: Well, I’m going to take myself out to a movie tonight. You want to go?
Leonard: Really? Do we do that?
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: You know, we haven’t spent time alone together since we broke up.
Penny: Oh, it’s not a date, Leonard. It’s just a man and a woman hanging out, and not having sex at the end of the night.
Leonard: Sounds like most of my dates.
Sheldon (off, voice heard through apartment door as they approach): Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster!
Penny: What is that about?
Leonard: Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.)
Sheldon: Shoo, shoo! Be gone!
Leonard: What the hell is going on?
Sheldon: There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.
Penny: Really? On top of everything else, you’re afraid of birds?
Sheldon: It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.
Penny: So movies, yes or no?
Leonard: Movies, yes.
Penny: Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.
Sheldon: That doesn’t help.
Penny: No, I was talking to the bird.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.
Leonard: Sheldon, just ignore him.
Sheldon: Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.Sheldon is trying to scare the bird away making cat noises.
Leonard: The bird’s still there?
Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?
Leonard: I don’t know. Scree-scree.
Sheldon: Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.
Leonard: Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed?
Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.
Leonard: I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date.
Sheldon: Do you think it’s a date?
Leonard: No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t.
Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.
Leonard: Are we overthinking this?
Sheldon: Not at all.
Leonard: You’re right. I’m fine. I’m wearing this.
Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?
Leonard (returning in a tee shirt and backwards cap): Too casual?
Sheldon: For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great. (Leonard leaves again. Sheldon draws a picture of a cats face and returns to making cat noises at the window.) What am I thinking? Whiskers!
Scene: The cinema.
Penny: Oh, hey, if we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure. There’s also an amazing documentary about building a dam on river in South America.
Penny: Okay, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston, and she’s not building a dam.
Leonard: Can’t argue with that. I’ll get the tickets.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Actually, you know what? I think it’s about time I pick a movie we see.
Penny: You pick plenty of movies.
Leonard: No. You always picked, and it was always the same. An hour and a half of beach houses in the rain until the woman turns around and realizes love was here all along.
Penny: But come on, that is a great movie, and it starts in ten minutes.
Leonard: I hate those movies.
Penny: No, you don’t.
Leonard: Yes, I do. The only reason I went is because you wanted to see them, and I wanted to have sex. To this day, I can’t see a Sandra Bullock movie poster without getting both bored and aroused.
Penny: Okay, so while we were going out, how often would you pretend to like things just to have sex with me?
Leonard: All the time.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: Does this sound familiar? I’d love to go shoe shopping with you. Hiking? It’s great. It’s two a.m., of course I want to go to Korea Town and sing karaoke with your friends. Who wouldn’t?
Penny: Okay, we were going out. You were going to get sex anyway.
Leonard: Really? You would have slept with me after a three-hour documentary on dams?
Penny: No. No woman would.
Leonard: See? Now, that’s the great thing. We’re out as friends. This is not a date. Sex is off the table. So, let’s go learn why hydroelectric power might not be the environmental bargain you think it is. Sorry. Spoiler alert.
Penny: All right, fine.
Leonard: Thanks. Tickets are eleven bucks. Not a date.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard: I’m pushing play.
Sheldon: A minute.
Howard: If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
Sheldon: This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.
Howard: I have a Masters degree from M.I.T.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.
Raj: I really don’t get your problem with birds.
Sheldon: The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.
Raj: Hummingbirds are pretty.
Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.
Raj: Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth.
Sheldon: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on?
Raj: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.
Howard: All right, Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon: It’s not a death ray. It’s just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I’d be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. (Switches on. All the windows shatter. The bird doesn’t move.)
Raj: That is one tough birdie.
Scene: A bar.
Leonard: Come on, you enjoyed the movie. I saw you tearing up when the village got flooded, and everyone had to relocate.
Penny: No, I was thinking how come they get to leave and I can’t.
Leonard: I’m going to get some fries. You want anything?
Penny: Uh, no, thanks.
Leonard: Are you sure? Because you always say no, and then you eat half my fries.
Penny: I just eat the little crispy ones you don’t like.
Leonard: No, I love them. I save them for the end, but they’re gone because you ate them. And why did I let you eat them?
Penny: To get sex.
Leonard: Exactly. But this is not a date. So I ask again, would you like anything?
Penny: All right, I’d like an order of fries.
Leonard: Great. That’ll be five dollars. I am having the best time. I’m so glad you suggested we do this.
Penny (accidentally nudging the man sitting behind her): Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem.
Penny: What you writing there?
Man: A screenplay. Its about a guy whose roommate is having sex and tells him go to a bar and work on his screenplay.
Penny: I Hope Alex Gets Crabs: The Movie.
Man: It’s a working title.
Penny: Oh.
Man: I’m Kevin.
Penny: Oh. Penny. Nice to meet you.
Kevin: I’ll let you get back to your date.
Penny: Oh, no, no. This isn’t a date, no. Right?
Leonard: Uh, right.
Penny: So have you written anything I might have seen?
Kevin: That depends. How much time do you spend on Yelp?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I’m a grown man from Texas. This isn’t a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It’s just a blue jay. (Opens window) That’s a pretty big blue jay. (Closes window. Goes to cabinet. Comes out wearing a Boba Fett helmet and a broom) One, two, three. (Opens window) Go! Shoo! Am-scray, ird-bay! (Bird flies in window) Bird in the apartment! Bird in the apartment! (Sees the bird sitting in his place) No!
Scene: The bar.
Penny (to Kevin): So it is an amazing documentary. They need the electricity from the dam, but at the same time they want to preserve the environment.
Leonard: You’re kidding me. Uh, can I see you for a sec over here?
Penny: Oh, yeah. Sure. Just one sec?
Kevin: No problem.
Penny: What’s up?
Leonard: I know what you’re doing.
Penny: What am I doing?
Leonard: You’re going out of your way to talk to that guy because I said we weren’t on a date.
Penny: No, I’m talking to him because he’s cute.
Leonard: Come on, he’s not that cute.
Penny: Yes, he is. With his dorky T-shirt and his little hipster glasses.
Leonard: I wear dorky T-shirts and glasses.
Penny: Yes, but when you’re tall and have great cheekbones, you’re doing it ironically.
Leonard: If that’s so, what if I start talking to a girl?
Penny: You should.
Leonard: I’m serious. I’ll do it.
Penny: Good! Go! There are some girls right over there. What are you waiting for?
Leonard: They’re in a group. I’m scared.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
Sheldon: You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking.
Bernadette: I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
Amy: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing.
Sheldon: Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.
Bernadette: Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet.
Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!
Bernadette: Oh, he’s a sweetie.
Sheldon: Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.
Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.
Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.
Bernadette: Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don’t be scared. Come on. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby!
Sheldon: I did it! I actually did it. Okay, now flush him.
Scene: The bar.
Woman: So, Leonard, what do you do for fun?
Leonard: Um, let’s see. Hiking. Karaoke in Koreatown. Any Jennifer Aniston movie.
Penny: Hey. Sorry I ditched you.
Leonard: No, it’s fine. You can ditch away.
Penny: Oh, no, no. We said we were going to hang out, let’s hang out.
Leonard: It’s cool. Go back to Kevin.
Penny: Oh, he had to leave.
Leonard: Interesting. So now that he’s gone, you want to hang out with me.
Woman: This must be Penny.
Leonard: Yep.
Woman: I totally get it.
Penny: Huh? I’m sorry, get what?
Leonard: Don’t worry about it. You know, there’s some guys over there. You should go talk to them.
Penny: No, no. I want to know what you told her.
Leonard: That’s kind of between me and…
Woman: Laura.
Leonard: Laura.
Penny: Oh. Okay, I see. So while he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?
Laura: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Wears them. Not just for Halloween.
Leonard: Hey, pal. You didn’t see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter.
Penny: Okay. Then I’ll return the favour, and I won’t tell…
Laura: Laura.
Penny: Laura that half the dirty movies you own are animated.
Leonard: When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as Waitress in a local production of The Cheesecake Factory?
Penny: Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?
Leonard: Oh, yeah? Spell asthma.
Penny: A… S… Take me home.
Leonard: Maybe I’m not done hanging out with… (Laura has gone) You’re right, it’s getting late.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the bird on his arm.
Sheldon: It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage.
Bernadette: Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.
Sheldon: My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you?
Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.
Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.
Amy: If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.
Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon.
Sheldon: How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!
Scene: The stairwell. They ascend without talking.
Leonard: Okay. So, we went out, saw a movie, met some nice people, said horrible things about each other in public, all in all, a pretty magical night.
Penny: Okay, I’m not innocent in all this, but you basically called me stupid, you asthmatic dumbass.
Leonard: I know, I, I, I crossed a line. And I’m sorry. No, no, no, hang on. I really mean it. And it’s not like when we were going out, I’d just apologize for everything so we could end up in bed. This is a 100% sex-is-off-the-table I’m sorry.
Penny: All right. Thank you. I’m sorry, too.
Leonard: Just to be clear, sex is off the table, right?
Penny: Way off.
Leonard: Maybe we’re not ready to hang out as friends.
Penny: I don’t know. Up until the last part, I was kind of enjoying take-charge Leonard with a little backbone. Picking the movie, knowing what he wants, a little cocky.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Well, then, I’m putting sex back on the table. What do you think about that?
Penny: Ooh. Maybe I like it.
Leonard: You do? Because if that’s what you like, I can be that guy. I swear, I’ll be anything you want me to be.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: I am such an asthmatic dumbass. I had a weird night.
Sheldon: Mine was great. I’m going to be a mommy. (Reveals nest with an egg in it.)
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: It’s amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally.
Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.
Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?
Amy: Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.
Sheldon: Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that’s cool.
Stuart: Can I help you find anything?
Amy: A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can’t be used as a floatation device.
Stuart: Sorry. Most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. Couple of them have big boobs.
Raj: Hey, look, the new Warlords of Ka’a expansion pack is out.
Howard: A new one? Unbelievable. They just keep making up more cheesy monsters, slapping them on cards and selling them at 25 bucks a pop. It’s like a secret tax on guys who can’t get laid.
Raj: They’re not even trying. Remember the Satanimals pack with the Hellephant? Why, absurd. What was he, a bad elephant who died and went to hell? What could an elephant possibly do that would cause him eternal damnation?
Howard: Wild West and Witches? What kind of loser cares about a showdown between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North?
Raj: A total loser. Obviously a guy with a six-shooter beats an old man with a magic wand.
Leonard: Well, ho-hold on. What if the wizard casts a Helmet of Confusion spell on Billy the Kid’s cowboy hat?
Howard: What? Please! This is Billy the Kid we’re talking about. I mean, the wizard would get shot between the eyes before he could ever get out the words, what the hell is Billy the Kid doing in the mystic realm of Ka’a?
Stuart: Leonard, what’s the deal with Sheldon’s friend Amy? Are they a couple?
Leonard: Couple of weirdos. Why?
Howard: You interested in Amy?
Stuart: Well, I mean, she didn’t look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman. Could you run it by Sheldon if I could ask her out?
Leonard: Sure. I guess.
Raj: Stuart, settle an argument for us. Who would win, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: If I tell you that, I’m robbing you of the hours of fun you could have for the magical, rootin’ tootin’ low price of $24.95.
Raj: I’ll take one.
Howard: Mmm, make it two.
Leonard: I hate all of you and myself. Three.
Stuart: I’ll ring it up. Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s a little awkward.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy.
Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?
Leonard: No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out.
Sheldon: I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.
Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.
Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.
Leonard: All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.
Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.
Leonard: I am not washed-up.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Well, ladies, we killed the bottle.
Amy: I had half a glass.
Bernadette: I didn’t have any.
Penny: Okay, don’t judge me. So, what do you want to do, go to the movies, go dancing, lay down for a little bit?
Amy: Or we play Travel Twister.
Bernadette: Amy, really? Twister?
Amy: Excuse me. I’ve passed many an enjoyable evening playing this game. And I’m sure it’s a lot more exciting when you play with other people. What do you say, bestie? We can do shirts and skins. I’m shirts. Called it.
Bernadette: I’m too small for Twister. And roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.
Penny: Hey, you know, my mom smoked pot when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out just fine. Hey, look, I have peach schnapps. Thank God.
Amy (reading a text on her phone): Guys, something happened.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Amy: I think a boy likes me.
Bernadette (reading): Hi. It’s Stuart. We met at the comic book store. I was wondering if you’d like to get coffee sometime. It’s okay if you say no. It might be the kick in the pants I need to start taking Zoloft.
Penny: Amy, little vixen. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.
Bernadette: What are you going to do? Doesn’t he know you have a boyfriend?
Penny: Oh, she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she has a Sheldon. So do you like Stuart?
Amy: I don’t know. He’s nice. He’s funny. He has the sallow, drawn countenance associated with an overactive thyroid gland. That’s kind of hot.
Penny: Okay, look, sweetie, we all love Sheldon, but you’ve been with him over a year now. If it’s not going anywhere, what does it hurt to look around?
Bernadette: Well, yeah, I guess they’re not engaged like me and Howie.
Penny: Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Where’s Stuart?
Speccy Guy Behind Counter (sniggering): Out.
Sheldon: Who are you?
Speccy Guy: I’m Dale. He left me in charge.
Leonard: Really?
Dale: Yeah. I don’t get it, either.
Leonard: I want to return this Wild West and Witches Ka’a expansion pack.
Dale: Sorry. I don’t do returns. They’re hard.
Leonard: Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?
Dale: I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl.
Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?
Dale: I’m okay, too!
Scene: The apartment. They are playing Warlords of Ka’a.
Raj: Wild Bill Witchcock.
Leonard: A tribe of Abra-Comanches.
Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.
Howard: We’re not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous.
Sheldon: And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: Very.
Raj: Incredibly so.
Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: Very.
Raj: Incredibly so.
Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s just play.
Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.
Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?
Sheldon: Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?
Howard: Sorry. Creepy Tepee.
Raj: Annie Ogly.
Leonard: Hocus Pocus Pocahontas.
Sheldon: And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who’s really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling)
Leonard: It’s you.
Howard: You are.
Raj: Totally you.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey, guys, check it out. The deluxe limited edition Wild West and Witches expansion pack in the signed and numbered collector’s tin.
Leonard: Oh come on, no! We just bought the regular pack.
Howard: Ooh, a sheriff’s badge.
Raj: Yeah, it’s also a wand.
Leonard: With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this?
Sheldon: I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything.
Leonard: You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?
Howard: I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.
Raj: Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.
Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?
Raj: You’re so full of it.
Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.
Raj: You unfriended me? Seriously?
Howard: Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.
Leonard: Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men?
Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard: Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.
Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: That’s all of us. Can I use the laptop?
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: I have to buy that stupid collector’s tin.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door. Sheldon knocks three times.
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: What’s up?
Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
Penny: I’m sorry, what?
Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.
Penny: God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.
Penny: Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?
Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Sheldon: I believe I do.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: I’m the guy.
Penny: You’re not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon: You tramp.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Of what, skates?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
Scene: A cinema.
Stuart: If you’re bored, you can go. I understand.
Amy: No, I’m having a nice time.
Stuart: Don’t patronize me.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.
Stuart: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word.
Amy: I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
Stuart: Um, again…
Sheldon: Stuart, please. You’re being rude.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I’m listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You’re being impossible.
Amy: Hi, Stuart.
Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.
Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.
Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice.
Amy: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
Stuart: Oh, you’re welcome.
Sheldon (inside): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Let’s wrap things up out there.
Amy: Um, good night, Stuart.
Stuart: Good night.
Sheldon (inside): Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night.
Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.
Amy: What’s that?
Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.
Amy: It’s so romantic.
Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.
Amy: Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive.
Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. The girls are playing twister.
Amy: Penny, I said right hand red.
Penny (picking up wine): Yeah, I heard you. I got red.
Amy: Bernadette, left foot yellow.
Bernadette: We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.
Amy: That’s my boyfriend. It’s open!
Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should’ve gotten a lawyer.
Bernadette: Looks like it’s just us playing. (Penny snores) Penny? (Penny snores louder) Penny, we’re out of wine!
Penny (waking, bleary): You should probably drive.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny (entering): Hi. Did Sheldon change the Wi-Fi password again?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s “Penny already eats our food, she can pay for Wi-Fi.” No spaces.
Penny: Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?
Sheldon: I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day.
Leonard: You want to hear something weird?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Leonard: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Sheldon: Oh. I thought it was a game.
Penny: What’s yours?
Leonard: There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks.
Sheldon: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard: Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon: And that’s how it’s done.
Penny: What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?
Leonard: No, that was a different guy.
Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
Leonard: No, that was a different, different guy.
Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
Leonard: No, but, actually, that was this guy’s sister.
Penny: All right, well, what do you think he wants?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.
Leonard: I told you. That was a different guy.
Penny: Hmm. That’s too bad. We could have spent New Year’s Eve waiting for the ball to drop.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: It’s two a.m. What are you doing up?
Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.
Leonard: Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year.
Sheldon: Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?
Leonard: I didn’t have clams.
Sheldon: I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.
Leonard: It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces.
Sheldon: Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?
Leonard: You know what? I am tired of living in fear of this guy. I’m gonna go see him and finally say all the things I should have said in high school. You know, pick on someone your own size, you did not have sex with my mother, and yes, I do know why I’m hitting myself.”
Sheldon: Oh, now Perlmutter’s shaking the King’s hand. Yeah, check for your watch, Gustaf. He might have lifted it.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Bernadette: I love this dress. How come I never see you wear it?
Penny: ‘Cause when I wear it, it’s a shirt. So, what’s Howard doing tonight?
Bernadette: Oh, they all went with Leonard to confront his childhood bully.
Penny: Oh, terrific. High school quarterback against four mathletes.
Amy: When Leonard gets back, I’d love to check his serotonin levels. Do you think he’d let me draw a syringe full of his blood?
Penny: Hmm, he’s not crazy about needles, but if you get him to go jogging, it’ll just pour out of his nose.
Bernadette: I don’t think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me. Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class, she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker.
Penny: Oh, that’s awful.
Bernadette: Worst part was, it was too big.
Amy: That’s nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.
Penny: Wow. You poor thing.
Bernadette: What about you?
Penny: Oh. I don’t know. I guess my school was a nice place. We didn’t really have bullies.
Amy: Come on, no one ever gave anyone mean nicknames or picked on them or put gum in their hairy knuckles so the school nurse had to use peanut butter to get it out?
Penny: No, we weren’t really like that. I mean, look, we played pranks on each other, but it was never mean. Like, okay, this one girl, Kathy Geiger, got really good grades, so we blindfolded her, tied her up and left her in a cornfield overnight.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, that’s awful.
Penny: No, it was funny. Everyone laughed.
Amy: Did Kathy Geiger laugh?
Penny: Uh, probably. It’s hard to say. She kind of had an ear of corn in her mouth.
Amy: Who would have thought Fuzzy Fingers Fowler is best friends with a bully?
Penny: What? I was not a bully.
Bernadette: Kind of sounds like you were. And maybe a felon.
Amy: Shh. That’s how you wind up in a cornfield.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: Is that him over there?
Leonard: No.
Raj: How about that guy? He looks like he’d hate you.
Leonard: You know, I can really do this by myself.
Howard: Hey, we’re here to support you, buddy.
Leonard: No, you’re not. You’re here to see if I get my underwear pulled over my head.
Howard: You wore underwear? You fool.
Raj: So, have you figured out what you’re going to say to him?
Leonard: You bet. I am going to make him apologize for all the crap he pulled on me in school.
Howard: That’s quite a list. I can’t read your handwriting, what’s that word?
Leonard: Scrotum.
Raj: What’s that one?
Leonard: Uh, stapled.
Jimmy (arriving): Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Jimmy: Holy crap, man, it’s good to see you.
Leonard: Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.
Jimmy: Hi. Fellas. Hey, can I get a beer? Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you’re a big-time scientist now.
Sheldon: And there’s the first zinger. Ouch.
Leonard: I’m doing okay, I guess.
Jimmy: Okay? Come on, I read online you’re a physicist at a university, you won some medal.
Leonard: The Newcomb medal.
Jimmy: Yeah, congratulations.
Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.
Jimmy: From what I read, it sounded like a big deal.
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?
Raj: Hey, I won a Newcomb medal, too.
Sheldon: My point.
Jimmy: You should have seen this guy back in the day. Huh? He was so little, he could fit in just about anywhere. Lockers, trash cans. Oh, man, how did you get inside that backpack?
Leonard: Oh, I can’t take all the credit. You helped a lot.
Jimmy: Yeah. We were practically a comedy team.
Howard: Like the Black Death and Europe.
Leonard: Jimmy, I’m kind of curious why you wanted to see me.
Jimmy: Okay, here it is. I have this great money-making idea. I just need a gear head to get it to the finish line.
Sheldon: Technically, Howard’s the gear head. Leonard’s just a dime store laser jockey.
Leonard: What’s the idea?
Jimmy: This is just between us, right?
Leonard: Right.
Jimmy: Okay. What do you think about a pair of glasses that makes any movie you want into 3D?
Raj: That sounds amazing. First movie I’m watching, Annie.
Howard: How exactly would these glasses work?
Jimmy: How the hell should I know? That’s why I need a nerd.
Leonard: I don’t think something like that’s even possible.
Jimmy: Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known.
Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.
Leonard: Sheldon, I got this.
Sheldon: You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess.
Jimmy: I don’t understand.
Leonard: I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.
Sheldon: A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples.
Raj: That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.
Jimmy: What is that?
Sheldon: This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens.
Leonard: 14 is not, oh , yeah, never mind.
Jimmy: What’s this word?
Leonard: Nancy. You called me Nancy for three years.
Sheldon: You really need to work on your penmanship.
Jimmy: Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.
Leonard: It wasn’t fun for me.
Sheldon: You’re being too kind, Leonard. You ruined him.
Leonard: Come on, guys.
Raj: That was pretty badass, dude.
Sheldon: I help the weak. It’s yet another way I’m exactly like Batman.
Leonard: Hey, for the record, Jimmy wasn’t the reason I wet the bed. That one has my mother written all over it.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Penny is on the phone.
Penny: Anyway, I’m really sorry I made fun of your stutter in high school.
Bernadette: You’re doing great.
Penny: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, God, just finish the sentence. Okay, well, I’m sorry you feel that way. Bye. No one wants to hear my apologies.
Amy: I think your mistake is doing it over the phone. If they could look into your eyes, they’d melt.
Bernadette: Penny, it doesn’t matter what you did in the past. You’re a good person now.
Penny: That’s easy for you to say. You weren’t just called a b-b-b-b-bitch.
Amy: Perhaps you could assuage your guilt through altruism. Which word’s tripping you up? Assuage or altruism?
Penny: Both.
Bernadette: You’ll feel better by doing something nice for someone.
Penny: I actually knew that.
Amy: I never doubted you.
Bernadette: Every other week I serve at a soup kitchen downtown.
Penny: Ooh, I can’t do that. If I stand over a steaming pot, my hair just goes boing! What else could I do?
Amy: There’s Habitat for Humanity, building houses for the poor.
Penny: Okay, come on, I don’t even have my own house, I’m going to build one for someone else?
Amy: How about donating some of your clothes?
Penny: Oh, my God, that’s perfect. ‘Cause I have so many clothes I don’t wear, and they’re just taking up space, and I go shopping to buy more stuff and I have no place to put it. This will totally fix that.
Bernadette: What about helping people?
Penny: And helping people.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here’s your cocoa.
Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?
Leonard: You got one for good luck. (Knock on door) I’ll get it.
Sheldon: One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.
Jimmy: Hey.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Jimmy: I want to apologize for stapling your balls and throwing you naked in the girls’ locker room, stuffing that parrot down your pants. What’s this word?
Leonard: Laxative.
Jimmy: Oh, right. Junior prom. That was not cool, man. I am so, so sorry.
Leonard: Really?
Jimmy: Yeah. I just hope you can forgive me.
Leonard: Uh, yeah. Sure, I guess.
Jimmy: You’re a beautiful guy.
Leonard: Well, yeah, thanks, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Okay, I got to go.
Leonard: Are you okay to drive?
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive better drunk. You know, it makes you pay attention.
Leonard: No, no, no, come on in. I’ll make you a cup of coffee.
Jimmy: I wouldn’t be imposing?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Sheldon, we can’t let him drive.
Sheldon: Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.
Leonard: You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.
Jimmy: Not really, no. It’s funny, huh, Leonard? Back in school, I was the winner and you were the loser. And now we’re reversed. You’re the winner.
Sheldon: You’d think a winner could make a decent cup of cocoa.
Jimmy: You mind if I use your bathroom?
Leonard: Yeah, just back there.
Howard: How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.
Leonard: Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people.
Sheldon: You know what would be nice?
Raj: What’s that?
Sheldon: As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who’ve tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he’s asleep we kill him. I said it would be nice, I didn’t say we should do it.
Scene: The clothing bank.
Penny: Ah, I feel just like Mother Teresa. Except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
Bernadette: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first.
Penny: Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn’t down five flights of stairs. You know, giving really is better than receiving. I used to think it was such a cliche, but it seems to be the… oh, look at these cute jeans someone just threw away.
Bernadette: Donated.
Penny: Yes, to a poor waitress who loves a boot cut.
Bernadette: Penny.
Penny: Come on, they would be so cute on me, and, ah, they go great with this sweater!
Amy: I don’t think Mother Teresa… Oh, that is adorable.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.
Leonard: What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off.
Sheldon: You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out.
Jimmy (belching): When did I have tacos?
Leonard: Morning, Jimmy.
Sheldon: Oh, there it is, tacos.
Jimmy: Man, I tied one on.
Leonard: Yeah, you did. So, uh, listen, it was great to see you again. And , and, and thanks for the apology.
Jimmy: What apology?
Leonard: For all the crappy stuff you did to me in high school.
Jimmy: Geez, you’re still harping on that? What a puss.
Leonard: That’s my French toast.
Jimmy: It’s good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy.
Sheldon: I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
Leonard: I might kill him right now.
Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back.
Leonard: Okay, Jimmy, it’s time for you to go.
Jimmy: Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.
Leonard: No, you’re done. I want you out of my apartment right now.
Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.
Jimmy: Or what?
Sheldon: Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. I speak from experience.
Leonard: I’m not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.
Scene: Running down the stairwell.
Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully.
Leonard: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
Sheldon: I don’t need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.
Scene: The clothes bank.
Bernadette: I don’t feel good about this.
Penny: Then sit in the car and keep it running.
Amy: You were right, a whole new load.
Penny: Come on, yoga top. Mama needs a new yoga top.
Amy: Check it out, Bernadette, suede boots, your size.
Bernadette: God, they’re cute. Oh, why did they have to be cute?
Penny: Wait, wait, wait, guys, just hang on.
Amy: What is it, the fuzz?
Penny: Look at us. What are we doing?
Amy: I was gleefully following you to a life of crime, looking forward to the day we might be cell mates. I don’t know about Bernadette.
Penny: You know, this is wrong. Let’s put everything back. Here.
Bernadette (taking boots and running): It’s okay, I serve soup to poor people!
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Completely empty box. If you’d like to examine it?
Leonard: Mm-hmm. Yep. I see nothing in this box but a wasted childhood.
Howard: Little snarky there, cello lessons. And we have this completely ordinary cylinder. If you’d like to examine it?
Raj: Ordinary, yet I sense it is dripping with magical potential.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret.
Leonard: Sheldon, he’s just practising for his cousin’s birthday party.
Howard: As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)
Raj: I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it.
Sheldon: This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?
Howard: How is this lying?
Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.
Raj: Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt?
Sheldon: If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.
Leonard: Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.
Howard: Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear!
Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.
Howard: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon: It’s still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out)
Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear. Ta-da.
Leonard: Next time, you should open with that.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Ooh, look who’s out on a date. Pasadena’s favourite power couple, Shamy.
Sheldon: And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory?
Penny: So, are we celebrating anything special tonight?
Amy: Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.
Penny: That is so hot.
Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?
Amy: How was your day?
Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.
Amy: Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron.
Sheldon: Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.
Amy: That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time.
Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field.
Sheldon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here.
Penny: So, are we ready to order?
Amy: Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up.
Sheldon: Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.
Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?
Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.
Penny: Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal.
Sheldon: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.
Penny: Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by.
Sheldon: What if they simply don’t excite me?
Penny: Well, just smile and think about koalas.
Sheldon: She’d see right through that. We go to the zoo all the time. She knows my koala face. And for future reference, it’s this.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Oh, you have a lot of magic stuff.
Howard: Yeah. I started when I was a teenager. I thought I could show a girl a few tricks and invite her up to my bedroom to see the rest of the act.
Bernadette: Did it work?
Howard: Ah, let’s just say the only wand that ever saw any action was this one. Oh, look what my mom made us for the act.
Bernadette: Ooh. I like the fabric. Where’d she get it?
Howard: Well, she cut up one of her old bathing suits. She made these two vests and half a dozen napkins.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Has she tried on the vest yet?
Howard: I just gave it to her!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I hope it fits, she has a tricky figure! She’s short and stacked, like me!
Howard: She’s not stacked like you, Ma! She never steps on hers!
Bernadette: Listen, Howie, maybe I’m not the best choice to be a magician’s assistant.
Howard: You’ll do fine. Hand me those rings? See? You nailed it.
Bernadette: You know, i-it’s just that I’m not that comfortable with little kids.
Howard: Well, that’s because you haven’t been around them much. This is good practice. I mean, you are gonna be a mom someday, right?
Bernadette: Mmm, yeah, sure.
Howard: Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years. It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live… Don’t look in there.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around.
Sheldon: Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.
Leonard: Some people go outside and do that.
Sheldon: It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.
Leonard: You want to talk about it?
Sheldon: No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.
Leonard: You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on?
Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.
Leonard: Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight?
Sheldon: Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
Leonard: No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women.
Sheldon: I’ll say.
Leonard: That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.
Leonard: Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change.
Sheldon: Nuts to that. What else you got?
Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something.
Sheldon: How does that work?
Leonard: Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.
Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.
Leonard: Glad I could help.
Sheldon: It’s appreciated. And if you ever manage to find a woman again, I’ll be glad to return the favour.
Scene: The birthday party.
Howard: And now, all the rings are magically linked together. My fiancee’s wearing a magic ring, too. It made all my money disappear.
Bernadette: Oh, ah, right. (Bangs drum and cymbal) And now, the great Howdini’s next miraculous illusion.
Child: When are we gonna have cake?
Bernadette: After you’ve been thoroughly amazed.
Child: But we want cake now.
Bernadette: Well, you’re not getting cake right now, capisce?
Howard: Okay. Okay. Now, my lovely assistant is going to bring me an ordinary pitcher of milk.
Second child: I know how you do that trick.
Bernadette: Do you know how to pipe down?
Howard: Okay, we’re going to roll up this newspaper.
Second child: It’s a fake pitcher.
Bernadette: You got wax in your ears? The man said it’s an ordinary pitcher. Howdini.
Howard: Okay, we’re going to stick this in here (puts newspaper into trouser waistband) and then I’m going to pour in the milk. I hope this works, because I didn’t bring a change of pants.
Second child: Look, I Googled it. It’s a fake pitcher.
Bernadette: That’s it. No cake for you. Anyone else want to join the No Cake Club?
Howard: She’s just kidding, boys and girls. Everyone gets cake.
Bernadette: Not him.
Howard: Just give me the pitcher. Behold! Wrong pitcher.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: I told you I’m not good with kids.
Howard: Yes, you did. Oh, I think my crotch is starting to curdle.
Bernadette: The thing is, my mother worked full-time. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Bernadette: Ugh, it was horrible. With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little shrieky voices, always complaining. I don’t want to get dressed. Joey keeps spitting in my mouth. This isn’t the way Mom makes waffles. Well, okay, put your hand in here. Let’s see how you like this waffle!
Howard: All right, settle down. Red light. Red light, red light! Okay, we’re fine.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. I know it makes me sound like a bad person, but I just don’t like children.
Howard: Yeah, no, we all got that. But don’t you think it’ll be different when the child is ours?
Bernadette: Right, when it’s our kid that’s ruined my body and kept me up all night and I’ve got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 years, sure, that’ll be completely different.
Howard: Well, yeah.
Scene: A jewellery store.
Sheldon: I don’t think there’s anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Penny: Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch.
Penny: Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch.
Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
Penny: Still saying stupid stuff. Ooh, does she like bracelets?
Sheldon: Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that?
Assistant: Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?
Penny: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.
Penny: Fine, go ahead.
Sheldon: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.
Assistant: My apologies. How can I help you today?
Penny: He’s in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present.
Assistant: Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC.
Penny: Ooh, are these real diamonds?
Assistant: Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight.
Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.
Assistant: Actually, that’s only 750. Everything’s on sale.
Sheldon: Really. Talk to me about that pocket watch.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Donkey Kong Jenga.
Howard: I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it. I always thought I’d be a dad someday.
Raj: Oh, me, too. You’re so caring. I’ve often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood.
Leonard: There you go, Howard. Sounds like Raj’ll have your babies, problem solved.
Raj: Hey, just because a man shows caring for another man doesn’t mean he’s displaying the love that dare not speak its name. Did she definitely say she didn’t want kids?
Howard: Yeah, she doesn’t like them. And from what I saw, the feeling was mutual.
Leonard: What are you gonna do?
Howard: I don’t know. I can’t see a life where I don’t have kids. I mean, people have kids. I mean, even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr. So he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses and throw barrels at Italian plumbers.
Leonard: You know, there’s no guarantee even if you have kids that you’re going to like them.
Raj: Wow, that’s rough. Where’d you get that?
Leonard: It’s right off the dust jacket of my mom’s last book.
Howard: Maybe me and Bernadette aren’t right for each other.
Leonard: Look, Howard, I’d say there’s a lot of fish in the sea, but I watched you dangle your hook in the water for years. Do not throw her back.
Howard: I don’t want to, but this is kind of a deal breaker.
Raj: What’s your mom going to say if you call off the wedding?
Howard: Huh, it’ll kill her. On the other hand, if I don’t give her grandchildren, that’ll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I’m golden.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?
Penny: Eight o’clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?
Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out?
Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.
Amy: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Amy: What’s he doing here?
Penny: Okay, he wants to talk to you.
Amy: Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.
Penny: Sheldon, you’re up.
Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.
Amy: We both know that’s your koala face.
Sheldon: I told you.
Penny: Okay, look, he bought you this.
Amy: Jewellery? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centred person I have ever met. Do you really think another transparently manip..oh! It’s a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me.
Penny: You look beautiful.
Amy: Of course I do, I’m a princess, and this is my tiara!
Sheldon: You’re right, the tiara was too much.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard! Bernadette’s… Oh, she slipped right by me.
Bernadette: Here’s your vest back.
Howard: You should keep it. You could wear it again sometime.
Bernadette: Where?
Howard: I don’t know, hunting?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t forget to talk to her about this mishegas where I don’t get grandkids!
Howard: Don’t worry, Ma. I will, as soon as I can figure out a way to bring up such a sensitive issue!
Bernadette: I guess you talked to your mom, huh?
Howard: I was upset. My mom can be a pretty good shoulder to cry on, if the smell of Bengay doesn’t burn your eyes.
Bernadette: Look, it’s obvious having kids is really important to you, and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard: Really? That’s great. What?
Bernadette: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I work and you stay home with the kids?
Howard: Me?
Bernadette: Yeah. You know, you’ll watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I’ll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yay, so we’re good.
Howard: Yeah, we’re good.
Bernadette: You know, I don’t know if this counted as a fight, but how about some make-up sex?
Howard: I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it’s a condom.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?
Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?
Leonard: Okay, let’s talk about that.
Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.
Leonard: We all do. Now, how about dinner?
Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.
Leonard (seeing Penny’s door open and the girls inside): Excuse me.
Sheldon: Permission granted, Commander.
Amy: Which is why the more intelligent the monkey, the more faeces they fling.
Leonard: Excuse me, Amy. Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
Penny: Why, you guys going somewhere?
Leonard: No, I mean just you and me.
Penny: You mean, like a date?
Leonard: Not like a date, a date.
Amy: Ooh!
Bernadette: Ooh!
Penny: Um, o-okay. Sure.
Amy: Ooh!
Bernadette: Ooh!
Sheldon: Oh, no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Bernadette: This is so exciting. If Leonard and Penny get back together, Howard and I can go on double dates with them.
Amy: How come you never invite Sheldon and me on a double date?
Bernadette: Mm, uh… How’s it going in there, Penny?
Penny: Just a sec. (Emerges in revealing slinky green dress) Too much?
Bernadette: Yes.
Amy: No.
Penny: Okay, just hang on.
Amy: You just can’t handle her raw sexuality, can you?
Bernadette: When did you and Leonard break up?
Penny: Uh, about two years ago.
Bernadette: Why do you think he asked you out again?
Penny: I don’t know.
Amy: Maybe he’s dying. That would be so romantic.
Penny: He’s not dying.
Amy: Too bad. If he were, she could just throw him in bed and ride him right up until he flatlines.
Penny: How about this?
Bernadette: Maybe.
Amy: Come on.
Penny: Yeah, okay, no.
Bernadette: Do you think you’ll sleep with him tonight?
Penny: Absolutely not. Look, we’re just gonna have dinner and, you know, see how it goes.
Amy: If he were dying, would you sleep with him?
Penny: What?
Amy: Assuming he were dying of something that couldn’t be sexually transmitted. You know, like a spear wound to the head.
Penny: Okay, he is not dying.
Amy: How do you know? Are you a doctor?
Bernadette: You can make-believe, though. Sometimes Howard and I pretend that his arrhythmia is acting up and I’m a sexy cardiologist. And the naughty part is I’m not in his HMO network.
Penny: Screw it. I’m not gonna make a big deal out of this. It’s just dinner.
Amy: With a dead man.
Penny: Amy, stop it. Oh, God, I’m so nervous.
Bernadette: Relax. You know Leonard’s always been crazy about you. It’s gonna be great.
Penny: I know, but we’ve finally gotten to a place where we can hang out without it being weird. And what if something goes wrong? Then what?
Amy: Guess it’ll just be Sheldon and me going on a double date with Howard and Bernadette.
Bernadette: Sure, we’d love that. Change your clothes, we got a lot riding on this.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game.
Sheldon: Mm. I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood? (Raj and Howard snigger) I don’t understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now, I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?
Leonard: Okay, how do I look?
Howard: Well, more to the point, why are you doing this?
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Raj: Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down.
Leonard: I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship.
Raj: I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement.
Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard: Oh, boy, do I?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
Leonard: Where on earth did you get that from?
Sheldon: It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.
Leonard: That doesn’t make it true.
Sheldon: It’s called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.
Leonard: See you later.
Raj: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard’s mother? Sandra Bullock.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Because she’s great in everything.
Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? Oh, come on! I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: So, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that’s a good question. How about awkward?
Leonard: Yeah, that sounds right.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Hey, how about if we pretend we’re actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny: It’s Penny.
Leonard: Oh, sorry, yeah. Awkward.
Penny: Okay, uh, let’s see. I’m from Nebraska, and ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I’ve done a haemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true. Your turn.
Leonard: Uh, let’s see. Uh, I am an experimental physicist at Cal-Tech, most of my research is with high-powered lasers, and, oh, I’ve just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny: Wow. Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God, no. The money’s pretty good. And I used the equipment to make my own Bat-signal.
Penny: Bat-signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not some kind of nerd, I am the king of the nerds.
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: Uh, it means if anyone displeases me, I don’t help them set up their printer.
Penny: You are so funny.
Leonard: Good. Remember that when I take my shirt off.
Penny: Leonard, this is nice. I’m so glad we did this.
Leonard: Me, too. So what do you think? Are we gonna get back together?
Penny: Whoa. Not so fast.
Leonard: I’m sorry, what did I say?
Penny: Leonard, you know I will always have feelings for you.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Penny: What?
Leonard: You said always. You’ll always have feelings for me.
Penny: So?
Leonard: So, that sounds more like something you’d say if you didn’t want a relationship with someone. This isn’t working out, but I’ll always have feelings for you. I’m sorry I slept with your best friend, but I’ll always have feelings for you. Here’s the thing, Lisa, I’m into dudes now, but I’ll always have feelings for you.
Penny: How would you say it?
Leonard: I have feelings for you.
Penny: It’s the same thing.
Leonard: No, it’s not. Always made it worse.
Penny: You’re overthinking this.
Leonard: No, I’m not.
Penny: Yes, you are. You always overthink things.
Leonard: Ah now th-th-there you go. Always made it worse.
Penny: See, this is where everything goes wrong, when we talk.
Leonard: Well, I don’t know how you have a relationship without talking.
Penny: Hey, I went out with this guy TJ for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don’t even know what TJ stands for.
Leonard: Wait, if you guys didn’t talk, what did you… never mind, stupid question.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And now that I have some wood, I’m going to begin the erection of my settlement.
Raj: He’s got to be doing this on purpose.
Howard (as Leonard enters): Ooh, eight thirty. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
Leonard: You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother.
Raj: I guess it didn’t go well.
Sheldon: We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.
Howard (as Leonard groans loudly in his room): How about now?
Sheldon: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.
Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. It’s right here in my hand.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard’s phone text signal sounds.
Leonard: What does she want from me now? (Goes to front door, where Penny is waiting) What’s up?
Penny: Do not overthink this. (Kisses him, then leads him to her apartment.)
Leonard: I don’t understand.
Penny: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Leonard: Okay, but earlier it seemed like…
Penny: No talking.
Leonard: Even during? ‘Cause sometimes I have questions.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. They are in bed.
Penny: Well, that was fun.
Leonard: Yeah, except for when I got the foot cramp.
Penny: You hung in there, though.
Leonard: Well, there was a lot at stake.
Penny: So what do you want to do now?
Leonard: Well, I want to go get my asthma inhaler, but it might ruin the moment. Just, just help me out here. How does a miserable date end in sex?
Penny: I don’t know, it’s complicated.
Leonard: Well, I’m a pretty smart guy, and right now my brain has dibs on the blood supply, so give it a go.
Penny: Okay, it’s just, at the restaurant when you said you wanted us to be together again, it got very real very fast and I panicked.
Leonard: Why? What are you afraid of?
Penny: Well, what if we do go out and I do something stupid and dump you again?
Leonard: What if I dump you?
Penny: Come on, be serious.
Leonard: Well, how about if we don’t think about this as a relationship? It could be more like a new version of software. Penny and Leonard 2.0. We can test it internally, shake out the bugs, and if we both feel it’s solid, then we’ll roll it out to the public.
Penny: So we don’t tell people we’re back together?
Leonard: Exactly. We pretend like our date went badly.
Penny: Well, we don’t really have to pretend.
Leonard: And we let them think that we decided to just be friends and that everything’s cool.
Penny: Okay, great. Hey, I just remembered. I still got one of your inhalers.
Leonard: I can’t believe you kept this.
Penny: Yeah, I was gonna throw it away, but I just couldn’t.
Leonard: That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is sneaking back in.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, hi, hi. How’s it going?
Sheldon: Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?
Leonard: Well, uh, uh, what are you doing up?
Sheldon: I was using the bathroom.
Leonard: Yeah, well, so was I.
Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you in there.
Leonard: Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one.
Sheldon: Where?
Leonard: The, the gas station across the street.
Sheldon: In your pyjamas?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Without shoes?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: On a cold winter’s night?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?
Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did.
Sheldon: Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.
Leonard: I don’t want beef jerky.
Sheldon: It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: Needy Baby, Greedy Baby indeed.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Leonard will be here in a moment. He’s looking for a different parking space.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so.
Bernadette: I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny.
Amy: Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship.
Sheldon: You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: We are next to a Suburu with a Gore/Lieberman bumper sticker.
Sheldon: Well, I doubt they’d want to talk about that, so we’re fine.
Howard: I’m surprised to see you here after it went so badly with Penny.
Leonard: Well, hey, we’re grown-ups. We can still be friends.
Bernadette: Boy, I don’t know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard: Why not?
Bernadette: I’m a very vengeful person.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: With access to weaponised smallpox.
Penny: Here you go, guys, let me get you going with some water. You need menus or you know what you want?
Howard: Leonard knows what he wants, but it looks like he’s not gonna get it from you.
Bernadette: Howard.
Penny: No, that’s okay, Bernadette. Sometimes these things just don’t work out.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s all good. We-We’ll always have feelings for each other.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard: See, she knew what always meant.
Penny: Wow, you’re like a dog with a bone, aren’t you?
Leonard: I’m just making a point.
Penny: Is the point that you don’t know when to let something go?
Sheldon: People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order.
Penny: Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.
Leonard: Oh, that is not true.
Sheldon: I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know.
Penny: You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.
Leonard: Well…
Sheldon: Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again, off-again relationship with her, because I am very, very hungry.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Text signal.
Leonard: Unbelievable. (Goes to door)
Penny: Mind explaining to me why you were being such a jerk at the restaurant?
Leonard: Well, I was trying to act like we weren’t seeing each other. That was the plan, right?
Penny: No, the plan was to tell people we decided to stay friends. That’s a little hard to do when you’re always being such a tool bag.
Leonard: You know what? I don’t have to stand here and take this crap. (Goes to Penny’s apartment.)
Penny: The hell do you think you’re going?
Leonard: Isn’t sex after fighting kind of what we do now?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, yeah.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: What are we doing?
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: Every scenario I play out for you and me ends badly.
Penny: That’s because you overthink everything.
Sheldon’s voice: Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.)
Leonard: What? Yeah.
Sheldon: This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?
Leonard: I don’t know, he was pretty badass on Heroes.
Sheldon: You’re right, I’ll give him a shot.
Leonard: Hang on. Penny, do you have plans for dinner?
Penny: Why, you guys going somewhere?
Leonard: No, I mean just you and me.
Amy: Ooh!
Bernadette: Ooh!
Penny: Uh, have you thought this through?
Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.
Sheldon: No, can’t do it. Sorry, Quinto, you’re going back.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Amy: If you and Leonard get back together, Sheldon and I will finally have someone to go on double dates with.
Bernadette: What about me and Howard?
Amy: Fine, we can double with you, too. So insecure.
Bernadette: Where are you guys going to eat?
Amy: Penny?
(In her imagination, Penny is transported to her wedding day.)
Minister: Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawful wedded husband?
Penny (turning, heavily pregnant): Well, it’s a little late for me to start saying no, isn’t it?
(Back in the bedroom)
Amy: Penny?
Penny: Sorry, just remembered I’ve got to stop by the drugstore.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a video.
Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.
Amy: Hang on, Dr. C. What’s vexillology?
Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags.
Amy: Cool. I think I just learned something.
Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it?
Amy: I’ll say.
Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.
Amy: Sweet!
Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag?
Amy: I’m surrendering to fun.
Sheldon: Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…
Leonard: Excuse me, sorry, excuse me.
Sheldon: Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?
Leonard: Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here.
Sheldon: And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!
Amy: You okay?
Sheldon: No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.
Amy: Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What’s vexillology?
Sheldon: Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?
Amy: It’s Ferdinand T. Flag. I thought he might help bring in some younger viewers.
Sheldon: Confound it! You’re right, it’s brilliant. Let’s take it from the top.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I’m glad you asked me out again.
Leonard: Me, too, I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. You sure you just don’t miss the sex?
Leonard: Well, yeah, sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have. You are not wrong. I just think if we’re gonna try dating again, we should take things slow.
Leonard: Oh, I can take it slow. Did I ever tell you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day she doesn’t know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off.
Penny: Okay, well, maybe not that slow.
Leonard: How about this, are you familiar with the typical development for computer software?
Penny: You know, just for fun, let’s say I’m not.
Leonard: Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. W-We could do that. And if we hit a rough spot, instead of getting mad, just say, hey, we found a bug, and we report it so it can be fixed.
Penny: You mean like a beta test?
Leonard: Well, technically, this would be an alpha test. A beta test requires people that weren’t involved in the development of the appli…
Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing beta test?
Leonard: No, you should. Absolutely. That was me being pedantic. That’s our first bug. You reported it. I can fix that. See? This is good.
Penny: All right. Let’s give it a shot.
Leonard: Great. You keep a list, I’ll keep a list. At some point, we’ll exchange.
Penny: Okay. Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I’m back.
Sheldon: Cut! Take 47.
Scene: Sheldon and Raj’s office.
Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about flags.
Raj: I will take that action.
Sheldon: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence, a fact that wasn’t discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully, their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of Fascism.
Howard: Let’s see the new phone.
Raj: I stopped on the way to work. Hey, do you want to peel the plastic off with me?
Howard: Really? Me? That’s, like, the best part.
Raj: Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.
Howard: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is writing itself.
Howard: Oh, let me try the voice recognition.
Raj: Hey, I let you peel the plastic, don’t get greedy. (To phone) Hello?
Phone: Hello.
Raj: What’s your name?
Phone: My name is Siri.
Howard: Look at that. There’s finally a woman in your life you can talk to.
Raj: Are you single?
Siri: I don’t have a marital status, if that’s what you’re asking.
Raj: Yeah, you’re right, that’s too personal. We hardly know each other. How about a cup of coffee?
Siri: I’ve found six coffee shops. Three of them are fairly close to you.
Raj: I will see you gentlemen later.
Howard: She is gonna break his heart.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.
Sheldon: Careful, it’s that kind of sass that can get a person uninvited to this year’s Who Con.
Penny: Uh, we’re not counting this as a date, are we?
Leonard: Um, I’m not sure, but I think the right answer here is no.
Penny: Bug report: When a guy asks me to spend time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home, watching TV.
Leonard: Even Doctor Who?
Penny: Even Doctor Who.
Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Who Con, you’re out.
Leonard: Okay, bug report taken. Next time I will have a better plan for our evening’s activity.
Penny: Well, thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Leonard: Oh, wait, here, almost forgot. Here.
Penny: What’s this?
Leonard: My bug report to you.
Penny: Well, that’s quite a list you got there.
Leonard: It’s colour coded.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Uh, red means fix right away. Yellow is eh, whenever you get a chance. And green is I could probably learn to live with it. There’s a key down here at the bottom. It’s neat, huh?
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: So, have a good night.
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.
Amy: What’s baffling me is what you could’ve possibly put on the list. Hair too golden? Laugh too musical? World too much a better place for her mere presence in it?
Sheldon: How about constantly talks with food in her mouth?
Amy: Her heart’s full of love, no one cares what’s in her mouth.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: So, Siri, what’s happening? How are you?
Siri: I am well.
Raj: What are you doing right now?
Siri: What am I doing? I’m talking with you.
Raj: You have a beautiful voice.
Siri: Thank you, it’s nice to be appreciated.
Raj: I bet it is. Why don’t women like me?
Siri: Let me check on that. How about a Web search for why don’t women like me?”
Raj: No need. I’ve already done that. Siri, do you have a last name?
Siri: My name is Siri.
Raj: Ah, one name. Like, uh, Cher, Madonna, Adele. All the women who rock me. My name is Rajesh, but you can call me Raj.
Siri: Would you like me to call you Raj?
Raj: I’d like you to call me sexy.
Siri: From now on, I’ll call you sexy. Okay?
Raj: Okay.
Scene: Sheldon and Raj’s office.
Siri, I’m in the mood for gelato.
Siri: (chimes) I found ten restaurants whose reviews mention gelato. Seven of them are fairly close to you.
Raj: Thank you, darling.
Siri: You are most certainly welcome, sexy.
Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.
Raj: I haven’t bonded with it.
Sheldon: Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me.
Raj: It’s just a phone.
Barry Kripke: Cooper.
Sheldon: Kripke.
Barry: Heads up. Pwofessor Wothman urinated in the particle physics wab again, so we’re going to move up his wetirement party. Fwiday, five o’cwock, pot wuck.
Raj: Thanks, Barry. Siri, remind me Friday morning to make my famous popovers.
Siri: All right, I’ll remind you.
Barry (to his own phone): You got Siwi, huh? Voice wecognition on that thing is tewible. Wook. Siwi, can you wecommend a westauwant?
Barry’s Siri: I’m sorry, Bawwy. I don’t understand wecommend a westauwant.
Barry: Wisten to me. Not westauwant, westauwant.
Barry’s Siri: I don’t know what you mean by not westauwant, westauwant.
Barry: See? Total cwap. You suck, Siwi.
Raj: Hey, don’t talk to her like that. She’s a lady.
Barry: Well, that wady took high-wes pictures of my junk wast night for Cwaigswist. Waiter.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door. Leonard knocks.
Penny: It’s open.
Leonard: Hey. You ready to go?
Penny: Yeah, hang on. Let me just finish this chapter.
Leonard: Can you finish it later?
Penny: No, I can’t. Reading books is a big part of my life now because, you know, we’d have more fun things to talk about if I read more.
Leonard: Great. Good. Great. What are you reading?
Penny: Two Weeks to Rock Hard Abs.
Leonard: They kind of spoil the ending right in the name of that, don’t they? All right. Look, just remember how this works. We don’t get mad about these things. Uh, speaking of which, I’ve addressed your bug report on my date planning. Got a really fun evening for you. It’s kind of a surprise.
Penny: All right. Terrific. Well, let me just go find a pair of shoes that aren’t so tall. We wouldn’t want you to feel like you were out for a walk with your mommy.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Yeah. Oh. Here’s my list for you, right there.
Leonard: All right, fair enough. I certainly can be quieter when we kiss. I thought it was an expression of passion, but if it’s coming across as juicy and weird, who wants that? Uh, uh, I’m sorry, can you be more specific on how my eyebrows are stupid? Nah, never mind, it’s right here.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Good timing. Dinner’s almost ready.
Howard: Great.
Bernadette: Oh, smells amazing in here.
Howard: Yeah, what are we eating?
Raj: Oh, an exotic little treat. I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which were fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.
Bernadette: Who’s Siri? Is he dating somebody new?
Howard: Yes. His phone.
Bernadette: Oh. Is that cute or creepy?
Howard: Uh-huh.
Raj: Can I pour you some wine? I think you’ll enjoy it. The traditional choice with Peking duck is a Sauvignon Blanc, but Siri suggested an off-dry Riesling. I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to have an argument with her in the middle of Trader Joe’s. Now, what should we put Siri in for dinner? Leopard, sparkles, or to paraphrase Coco Chanel, you can never go wrong with a little black case. Siri, play some smooth jazz.
Siri: Playing smooth jazz.
Raj: Oh, my God, Kenny G? This woman can read me like a book. I can’t believe I bought my soul mate at Glendale Galleria.
Bernadette: I don’t know if I want to stay.
Scene: A shooting range.
Penny: This is amazing. How did you even get this idea?
Leonard: I called your dad. I asked him what things you liked to do when you were a kid. This seemed easier than getting a cow out here so you could tip it.
Penny: Okay, you’re kind of really great.
Leonard: You mean for a person whose neck massages feel like an eagle is trying to carry you to its nest?
Penny: Okay, bug report. I just complimented you. You should take it and shut up.
Leonard: Right. Sorry, sorry.
Penny: And stop apologizing all the time.
Leonard: Right. Sorry.
Penny: All right, let’s shoot stuff. You want me to show you what to do?
Leonard: I play a lot of Grand Theft Auto. I think I know how to handle a gat.
Penny: Wow. You are cute when you get all gangsta. (Kisses him. Leonard accidentally shoots himself in the foot.)
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: So, I’ve got a gunshot wound. That’s pretty badass.
Penny: No, you’ve got a Reebok with a gunshot wound and an ouchie on your pinkie toe.
Leonard: Hello? They gave me a Band-Aid. Hospitals do not issue Band-Aids unless it is medically necessary. That is the law.
Penny: Well, thank you for a really cool evening.
Leonard: Thank you for hiding my Star Wars socks at the emergency room. Is it a good time to evaluate the beta test and see where we stand?
Penny: Things are looking good.
Leonard: So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.
Penny: Good night, you.
Sheldon: Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.
Amy: Und ich bin eine pretzel!
Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…
Amy: Mit…
Sheldon: Flags.
Scene: An office suite.
Receptionist: First door on the left.
Raj: Thank you. (Enters a door marked “The Office of Siri” Inside is a red-headed woman sitting at a huge console desk.)
Siri: Dave, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you. (To Raj) Hello, sexy. What can I help you with? If you’d like to make love to me, just tell me. (Raj tries to speak) I’m sorry. I don’t understand.
Raj (waking from a dream): No!
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon enters in a hard hat and high-vis jacket. Sounds a klaxon on his phone.
Leonard: Aaargh. What the hell?
Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.
Leonard: Oh, no, come on!
Sheldon: Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.
Leonard: I have to get a lock for my door.
Sheldon: I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.
Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California.
Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.
Leonard: Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People.
Sheldon: You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?
Leonard: I don’t know, what am I doing?
Sheldon: Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!
Leonard: Aah!
Sheldon: And that’s why we wear hard hats.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Check it out, press release from NASA.
Raj: Um, Expedition 31 will launch this spring to the International Space Station. Crew members will include Commander Tom ‘Tombo’ Johnson, astronaut Mike ‘Supernova’ Novacelik and Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: This is going right into my synagogue’s newsletter.
Raj: Dude, if you’re going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname.
Howard: I don’t get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me.
Raj: Oh. If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite.
Howard: Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.
Raj: Are you not looking at me? I am Brown Dynamite. Why do you put six sugars in your coffee?
Leonard: Because the cafeteria doesn’t offer little packets of methamphetamine.
Howard: Emergency drill night last night, huh?
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Raj: How’d you do?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.
Leonard: You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?
Sheldon: You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.
Leonard: Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist?
Sheldon: Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.
Raj: They put you under for a cleaning?
Sheldon: Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.
Leonard: Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist.
Sheldon: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”
Leonard: You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches.
Sheldon: Well, it has. Ask anybody.
Leonard: I don’t care. I’m done.
Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
Leonard: I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.
Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?
Leonard: Where do I sign?
Sheldon: Right here. Use your finger.
Leonard: There. Done.
Sheldon: All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.
Leonard: I’m gonna go home and take a nap.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: I got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette: He’s gonna learn to poop in space.
Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.
Sheldon: Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: ‘Sup?
Sheldon: ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.
Amy: I saved you a dumpling.
Sheldon: Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.
Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon, I’m busy. I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s.
Sheldon: You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go?
Penny: Sheldon, that’s not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don’t use them for what they’re for, so what do I know?
Bernadette: Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?
Howard: Absolutely. But when Ma’s hips give out, you’re up, kid.
Sheldon: Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?
Raj: Their meatballs are pretty good.
Sheldon: What’s that?
Raj: Nothing, nothing.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today?
Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.
Stuart: Ninth?
Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?
Stuart: Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note.
Sheldon: Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?
Stuart: Yeah.
Sheldon: And your father? Alive?
Stuart: Yes.
Sheldon: How about your grandparents, they alive?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?
Stuart: I’m sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist?
Sheldon: Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.
Stuart: Sheldon, I’m working. I can’t take you to the dentist. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I don’t want to take you to the dentist.
Sheldon: Can’t help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Ooh, ooh! What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard “Buzz” Wolowitz?
Howard: You can’t do Buzz. Buzz is taken.
Raj: Buzz Lightyear is not real.
Howard: No, that’s not what I’m talking about.
Raj: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real?
Howard: No.
Raj: Okay, um, how about Crash”? Howard “Crash” Wolowitz.
Howard: Yeah, terrific. The other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a guy named Crash.
Raj: All right, um, how about, oh, how about Rocket Man?
Leonard: That’s not bad, Howard “Rocket Man” Wolowitz.
Howard: Yeah, it’s great, but I told you, I don’t get to pick my nickname. It has to come from the other astronauts.
Raj: Maybe there’s a way to get them to come up with it.
Howard: Like how?
Leonard: Once I tried carrying around a Duncan yo-yo, hoping the other kids would start calling me Duncan.
Howard: Did it work?
Leonard: No, they ended up calling me Sock Mouth. Because they took away my yo-yo and stuffed their socks in my mouth.
Raj: Okay, uh, what if we make Rocket Man your ringtone, and the next time you talk to those guys, I’ll call you and they’ll hear it. Plant the seed.
Howard: That’s actually not a terrible plan.
Raj: They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.
Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): ‘Sup?
Sheldon: ‘Sup?
Leonard: Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist?
Sheldon: Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?
Leonard: Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.
Raj: Ooh, Sock Mouth’s got him on the ropes.
Sheldon: I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is watching television. All the power goes off.
Penny (entering): Oh, good, your power’s out, too.
Leonard: Why is that good?
Penny: Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.
Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.
Leonard: What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?
Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.
Leonard: It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon.
Sheldon: And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.
Penny: You know, I got some candles in my apartment.
Sheldon: But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
Leonard (pulling out a toy lightsabre): You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go.
Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.
Penny: I’ve got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop.
Sheldon: Oh, he’ll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he’s gonna be bored out of his mind.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: To wine and bubble wrap. And to not having to watch Sheldon demonstrate his reverse osmosis machine that converts urine into drinking water.
Penny: You know, in Girl Scouts, Tammie Dinisha said you could do that with panty hose. Boy, was she wrong. Anyway, you want to make out?
Leonard: I thought because our relationship’s in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow.
Penny: Okay. Do you want to make out slow?
Leonard: I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth.
Penny: Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.
Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you.
Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.
Leonard: Fine, what is it?
Sheldon: I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.
Leonard: S’mores, huh? Good for you.
Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.
Leonard: No, thanks. I’m good.
Sheldon: Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s’more by myself. And then I’m gonna have s’more. By myself.
Penny: Aw.
Leonard: No, don’t aw him. He brought this all on himself.
Penny: But he’s sad.
Leonard: No, he’s crazy. Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it’ll suck you back in.
Penny: I think he misses his little buddy.
Leonard: Fine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I thought you said candles were dangerous.
Sheldon: This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.
Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.
Sheldon: What are you proposing?
Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.
Sheldon: And how would I do that?
Leonard: You say thank you.
Sheldon: Every time?
Leonard: It’s not crazy.
Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.
Leonard: I kind of like the sound of that.
Sheldon: Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.
Leonard: So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard’s Day?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I sit in your spot?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I control the thermostat?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Do I get a card?
Sheldon: Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day.
Penny: Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.
Leonard: Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.
Penny: Leonard’s Day?
Sheldon: Oh, no pressure. Just get him a crummy card, you’re good.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: All right, test my ring tone. That really is a good song.
Raj: Oh, yeah. There’s a reason he’s Sir Elton John. They don’t make you a knight for writing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, are you coming down for breakfast?
Howard: Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA. I said don’t bother me!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh! Listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut.
Howard: Yes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut. Hey, good morning.
NASA Guy (on skype): Hey, Howard, thanks for getting up so early.
Howard: No problem, Dr. Massimino.
Dr Massimino: The guys here call me Mass.
Howard: Mass. That’s a cool nickname. ‘Cause force equals mass times acceleration.
Mass: Yeah. It’s just short for Massimino. Anyway, the plan for this morning is to go over the…
Howard: Sorry. My phone.
Mass: What is that? Is that Rocket Man?
Howard: Yeah, my ring tone. Kind of my favourite song, Rocket Man.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, your Fruit Loops are getting soggy!
Howard: Not now!
Mass: Who’s that?
Howard: My mom. Sorry.
Howard: No problem, Fruit Loops.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I’ve come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad-Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard: Five.
Sheldon: Uh-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard: E.
Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj: Gamma.
Sheldon: I said funny.
Raj: Upsilon?
Sheldon: Good one. And an electrical charge.
Leonard: Positive.
Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)
Howard: I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.
Leonard: It’s not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon: Stop! I’m going to wet myself!
Raj: Hey, guys, guys, President Siebert is headed this way.
Howard: I wonder what he wants.
Leonard: Doesn’t look happy, so I’m guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon.
Seibert: Dr. Cooper?
Leonard: Told ya.
Sheldon: Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.
Seibert: No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere.
Sheldon: You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.
Seibert: Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation.
Sheldon: I don’t need a vacation.
Seibert: You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you.
Sheldon: But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?
Seibert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: No. You should go.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard’s car. Leonard is singing enthusiastically.
Leonard: That tonight’s gonna be a good night, and tonight’s gonna be a good night, and tonight’s gonna be a good, good night! Tonight’s the night, uh, uh, let’s live it up, uh, I got my money, let’s spend it up…
Sheldon (appearing in the back seat): Good Lord! Would you stop that caterwauling!
Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Bleeding from my ears.
Leonard: What are you doing hiding back there?
Sheldon: I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.
Leonard: Lobster traps?
Sheldon: Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.
Leonard: What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you.
Sheldon: Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)
Leonard: Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there.
Sheldon: And no more singing.
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: I have GPS on my phone. I know you turned around.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I’m so glad you talked Howard out of having your wedding invitations in Klingon.
Bernadette: Turn it over. I’m hoping my relatives think it’s Hebrew.
Amy: This is really happening. I’m gonna be a maid of honour. I’m gonna wear a beautiful dress and walk down that aisle and, finally, I will have my special day.
Bernadette: You mean my special day?
Amy: They’re gonna need an extra-large veil for somebody’s head.
Bernadette: If I ever actually ever get married.
Penny: Why wouldn’t you?
Bernadette: My dad. Because I make a lot more money than Howie, he’s putting a lot of pressure on me to get a pre-nup.
Penny: Ouch.
Bernadette: Yeah. Howie’s gonna freak out.
Amy: Parental pressure can be daunting. I remember the battle with my mother about shaving my legs. Last year, I finally gave in and let her do it.
Bernadette: I just don’t know how I’m gonna break it to him.
Penny: You know, I’m a big believer in breaking bad news to a guy when you’re in bed with him. That’s how I told my high school boyfriend I slept with his brother. That’s how I told his brother the same thing.
Bernadette: I don’t know, I don’t want to manipulate him with sex.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, that’s what sex is for.
Amy: You know, the connection between marriage and money is nothing new. In fact, the term wed referred to the money and livestock that the groom paid the bride’s father. For example, you’re adorable, intelligent and a good earner. I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose. (To Penny) You would fetch a unicorn.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?
Sheldon: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
Howard: How about Florida? They’ve got Cape Canaveral, they’ve got Disney, they’ve got my Aunt Ida and the world’s largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.
Sheldon: My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.
Raj: You know, if I had a week off, I’d go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert. I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you’ll feel like you were born without bones.
Howard: I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.
Raj: Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box?
Sheldon: It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.
Howard: I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships.
Leonard: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon: One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.
Howard: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon: Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.
Howard: Isn’t that just Feynman’s idea?
Sheldon: Ten seconds ago, you never heard of him. Now you’re an expert.
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, you.
Leonard: Is that your laundry? You only have, like, six things in there.
Penny: Yeah, I didn’t have any quarters, so I’ve been sneaking stuff into other people’s loads all day. Hey, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anybody?
Leonard: It doesn’t matter what I say, you’re gonna tell me anyway.
Penny: What? That is not true. Bernadette wants a pre-nup.
Leonard: Wow. That’s rough.
Penny: So you’re saying if I became a famous movie star, we got married, you wouldn’t sign a pre-nup?
Leonard: Absolutely not. If I’m gonna be stuck at home with the kids while you’re on location cheating on me with Ryan Gosling, then Leonard gots to get paid. So, you think about us getting married?
Penny: I think about a lot of things. I think about us getting married, I think about us breaking up. Once in a while, I think about how I didn’t leave a note on that Mercedes I dinged in the parking lot last month, but then I have a glass of wine and it passes.
Leonard: Joke all you want, but you think about it.
Penny: Well, tell you one thing, if I ever do get married, no Klingon invitations.
Leonard: Good luck catching a man with that attitude.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.
Amy: I’m excited to work with my boyfriend. It’s gonna be romantic.
Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell.
Sheldon: Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!
Amy: Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.
Sheldon: Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?
Amy: No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.
Sheldon: What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.
Amy: Sheldon, you’ve never worked in a lab like this before. You have no experience in the field of biology.
Sheldon: I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998. And it’s still alive. Let’s do this.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Where’s Howard?
Raj: No hi, Raj? No how are you, Raj? Just straight to where’s the other white guy?
Leonard: I’m sorry. So, listen, I heard something about him. Can you keep it between us?
Raj: Ooh, gossip. When I first got here, I thought you Americans really gossiped around the water cooler. So I hung out there for, like, a month, but the only gossip I ever heard was about some creepy guy hanging out by the water cooler.
Leonard: Bernadette wants to get a pre-nup.
Raj: Oh, that’s a shame, he’s gonna be devastated.
Leonard: I never know what to do in these situations. Should I give him a heads-up?
Raj: Hmm. I’m gonna give you the same advice I yell at the TV when the Bachelor’s handing out roses. Follow your heart.
Howard: Check it out. Look at the size of that Rice Krispie Treat. Same price.
Leonard: Hey, Howard, I need to tell you something.
Howard: I know, it’s not on my wedding diet. I don’t care.
Leonard: Uh, listen, I heard that Bernadette’s thinking about asking you for a pre-nup.
Howard: A pre-nup? Wow.
Leonard: What are you gonna do?
Howard: I don’t know.
Raj: Follow your heart.
Howard: You know what, it’s not a big deal. She makes more money than me. She wants to protect her financial interests. It’s completely reasonable.
Leonard; Good. That’s a healthy attitude.
Howard: Yeah, actually, it’s good for both of us. I have assets to protect, too.
Raj: Like what?
Howard: I’ve got some rare comic books. The Vespa’s almost paid off. And Ma and I have a primo double cemetery plot at Mt. Sinai right near the guy who played Mr. Roper on Three’s Company.
Raj: Mr. Roper’s dead? You can’t just spring that on a guy.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: Here you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
Amy: Soap spots. Wash ’em again.
Sheldon: Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.
Amy: Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.
Sheldon: Biologists are mean.
Later.
Amy: All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.
Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.
Amy: I’m sure it was.
Sheldon: I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.
Amy: Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting.
Sheldon: You know what this place needs? A suggestion box.
Later.
Sheldon: 366… 367…
Amy: How’s it going?
Sheldon: How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.
Amy: Great.
Sheldon: Aw, nuts! One…
Later.
Sheldon: This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.
Amy: Really? Is that what you think?
Sheldon: Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.
Amy: Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.
Amy: Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right.
Sheldon: Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.
Amy: Maybe the math was too bubbly for him.
Sheldon: You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.
Amy: Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it.
Sheldon: All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.
Amy: You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you.
Sheldon: It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.
Amy: Oh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?
Amy: No. But your thumb does.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. (Faints)
Amy: Yeah, you’re a biologist.
Scene: The bar at the Cheesecake Factory.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.
Howard: What happened to your thumb?
Sheldon: You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.
Barman: What can I get you?
Sheldon: Ah, seeing as I’m on vacation, a pina colada seems appropriate. Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum. Don’t let me have too many of those.
Penny: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Howard: We’re grown men, we drink at bars.
Penny: No and no. Everything okay with you and Bernadette?
Howard: Oh, yeah, sure.
Penny: You and Amy? Good?
Sheldon: Oh, better than good.
Penny: You know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens.
Howard: I’m not signing a pre-nup.
Penny: All right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.
Sheldon: Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.
Amy: Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?
Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.
Amy: That’s not an apology.
Sheldon: That is your opinion.
Amy: I want a real apology.
Sheldon: I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…
Amy: No.
Sheldon: That my genius…
Amy: No.
Sheldon: That the soap was…
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fine. Sorry.
Amy: You’re forgiven. Now, if you want to stay, get started on those beakers. They’re still dirty from yesterday.
Sheldon: Next year I’m going to Epcot.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: Are you mad at me?
Howard: No. I’m not mad at you. I just wish you would have come to me, so I didn’t have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
Bernadette: So, what are we gonna do?
Howard: You really want me to sign a pre-nup?
Bernadette: I don’t know. My dad’s pretty insistent on it, though.
Howard: Why don’t I talk to your dad, man-to-man?
Bernadette: Really? Oh, that’d be so great.
Howard: Done.
Bernadette: I should probably give you a heads-up about a couple of things. Even though he’s retired from the police force, he still carries his gun. But don’t worry, he won’t shoot it. It’s more of a fashion statement.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: And just to be safe, when you talk to him, don’t bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you’re Jewish.
Howard: Got it, got it. Will you e-mail me that list?
Bernadette: So the thing to watch for, if he’s shouting at you, you’re okay, but if he starts to get real quiet, leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line, throw some zigs and zigs in there.
Howard: You know, this isn’t that pressing. Why don’t I talk to him about it in May.
Bernadette: In May you’re gonna be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They’ve got a phone.
Scene: A corridor at the university
Raj: It was a nice retirement party.
Howard: I guess. Still, it’s a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon’s got.
Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in.
Leonard: Can’t be very long.
Raj: Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Mm, indeed.
Howard: So sad.
Sheldon: Dibs.
Kripke: What’s up, fewwas?
Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?
Kripke: Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes.
Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.
Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box.
Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard: You just called dibs.
Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.
Kripke: I awwived at the office first. I’m the pwoverbial earwy bird.
Rothman (entering, naked): Gentlemen.
All: Professor Rothman.
Rothman: Good evening.
All: Good evening.
Raj: I’m glad that men are wearing hats again. They’re so distinguished.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I got you a little something.
Penny: A little something? Oh, it… what, this is huge.
Amy: What’s huge is what you’ve done for me.
Penny: Oh, no, Amy, I haven’t done anything.
Amy: No, no, before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I’m like some kind of downtown hipster party girl. With a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front, of all things. Open it. Open it.
Penny: Okay. (Opens parcel to find a huge and not at all flattering painting of Penny and Amy)
Amy: I wanted to get you something you didn’t have.
Penny: Wow. I-I don’t know what to s… Wow.
Amy: Do you like it?
Penny: Do I like it? Wow.
Amy: So, uh, where are you gonna hang it?
Penny: Oh, my God. Hang it. Wow. Um, you know, I’d have to go get a hook and nails and a hammer and…
Amy: No problem.
Penny: Oh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow.
Scene: A bathroom at the university.
Sheldon: I found him. He’s in the bathroom. President Siebert?
Siebert: Can’t this wait?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. We just need a word.
Siebert: Now? You realize I’m your boss, and I am holding my penis?
Kripke: Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I’m sowwy. This guy’s got no wespect for boundawies.
Siebert: What do you want?
Kripke: Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?
Siebert: Can’t you take this up with your department chairman?
Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.
Siebert: Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.
Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.
Kripke: Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.
Sheldon: Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.
Siebert: Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.
Kripke: Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak.
Sheldon: Kripke?
Kripke: Yes?
Sheldon: You’re in my spot.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: That is big.
Penny: So big.
Bernadette: And ugly.
Penny: So ugly. What am I gonna do?
Bernadette: I don’t know. You can’t take it down. You’ll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.
Penny: Is there any chance I’ll learn to love it?
Bernadette: That depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?
Penny: All right, it’s got to go.
Bernadette: What will you tell Amy?
Penny: How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you’re not in it?
Bernadette: Nuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard’s mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I’ve suffered enough.
Penny: Well, I guess I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it’s kind of heavy.
Bernadette: Mmm, too bad you’re not as strong as the dude in the painting.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Would you look at this? I paid twenty five dollars to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.
Howard: It’s numbered.
Raj: Ooh, limited edition. Nice.
Sheldon (knock on door): Oh, that’ll be Kripke.
Leonard: What’s he doing here?
Sheldon: We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.
Kripke: Cooper.
Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?
Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks.
Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…
Kripke: We’re not fwiends.
Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.
Kripke: How about I take Wothman’s office, and you go suck a wemon?
Sheldon: You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea?
Raj: How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?
Kripke: What the fwig is that?
Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.
All: Hail.
Kripke: How does it work?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Kripke: I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that?
Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Kripke: Almost got it. One more time.
Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…
Howard: Sheldon, stop. He’s screwing with you.
Sheldon: Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.
Howard: It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.
Leonard: H-h-h-hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a shot are you?
Sheldon: Not pistols. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.
Kripke: You have a compwete advantage in twivia. You have an eidetic memowy. Pwus, I haven’t watched Star Twek since I discovered the stwip cwub near my apartment has a fwee buffet.
Leonard: It’s gonna be hard to find something you’re both equally good at.
Raj: Is there anything you’re both equally bad at?
Both: Sports.
Scene: A basketball court.
Leonard: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Five what?
Leonard: Balls in the basket. (Throws ball to Sheldon)
Sheldon (dodging out of the way): Ew!
Later. Sheldon dribbling ball, approached Kripke, throws it wildly at a pile of mats in the corner.
Kripke: It’s out, wight?
Later. Kripke, dribbling ball, watched by Sheldon, dribbles it all the way into the back wall.
Kripke: Time. Wan out of woom.
Leonard: You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us?
Raj: Yeah.
Leonard: I get it.
Later. Kripke chases ball across room chased by Sheldon. Sounds of collision. Sheldon chases ball back across the room chased by Kripke.
Later. Ball hits Sheldon in back of head.
Sheldon: Hey! He did that on purpose,
Leonard: No, he didn’t. Nothing that’s happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let’s try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office.
Kripke: Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.
Leonard: No. No, I’m not.
Sheldon: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force.
Kripke: Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?
Later. A trampoline has been added. Sheldon tries first, ball hits backboard, bounces back in his face. Kripke tries next, with a run up, ends up crashing into the back wall again.
Later.
Leonard: All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else.
Sheldon: What do you propose?
Leonard: Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.
Kripke: Oh, you are going down, Cooper.
Sheldon: I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day.
Leonard: All right, that’s enough trash talk. One, two, three.
Howard: Sheldon was higher.
Leonard: Congratulations, Sheldon. You win office.
Sheldon: Who’s unsatisfactory in P.E. now?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: Oh, what a great movie.
Penny: I cannot believe you’ve never seen Grease.
Amy: My mother didn’t allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang.
Bernadette: I’ve got to go. I’ve got to get up early. My company’s testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn’t shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.
Amy: I guess I should get going, too. Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Good night, real Amy.
Amy: You don’t have to say good night to painting Amy, ’cause she’s never leaving.
Bernadette: Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Bye.
Bernadette: Good night, transvestite Penny.
Penny: Ah, okay. Let us take you off the wall. Out of sight, out of mind. I wish.
Amy (entering): You know, can I borrow that movie? Those singing hooligans really got my motor running.
Penny: Sure, sure. Enjoy. I mean, get it back to me when you can, or, you know what, actually, you keep it. It’s just going to be my gift to you. Bye.
Amy: Thank you. Wait. Where’d the painting go?
Penny: It’s right over there.
Amy: Why?
Penny: I have no idea. That is weird.
Amy: You hate it.
Penny: No. No, no. It’s just, it’s a little big.
Amy: I feel like an idiot.
Penny: No, come on, you’re not an idiot. Look, just help me put it back up.
Amy: Why? So you can just take it down when I leave? I don’t need your pity.
Penny: Oh, Amy, come on.
Amy: I’m just glad I didn’t go for the sculpture.
Scene: Rothman’s office.
Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.
Raj: I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)
Rothman: Oh. Hello.
Sheldon: Professor Rothman. This isn’t your office any more. You’re retired.
Rothman: I think the word you’re looking for is invisible.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Penny: I came to say I’m sorry.
Amy: Don’t bother.
Penny: Oh, Amy, please.
Amy: I’m so humiliated. I sat there the whole time that we were watching Grease, thinking you liked the painting.
Penny: I know.
Amy: I was a fool from Summer Lovin’ to the very last rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.
Penny: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I should have been honest with you and told you the gift was too much.
Amy: Yes, too much. Because our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical. I clearly like you more than you like me.
Penny: I don’t think you can put a number on how much one person likes another.
Amy: I bought you a painting that’s 12 square feet in area. There’s a number.
Penny: Amy, come on…
Amy: If you don’t like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back three grand.
Penny: Three gr… Oh, my God! Look, look, Amy, all you need to know is, you are my friend and I don’t want to lose you out of my life.
Amy: I’m sorry, I’m just having trouble believing you right now.
Penny: Grab your hammer.
Amy: No. Damage is done.
Penny: Okay, look, I didn’t want to say this, but the real reason I took the painting down was because it made Bernadette very jealous.
Amy: Oh, my goodness, how could I have not seen that? The painting is a constant reminder that of the three of us, she is the least cool.
Penny: Yeah, th-th-th-that’s what it is, so…
Amy: You have such a good heart.
Penny: Huh, I try.
Amy: Come on.
Penny: Well where are we going?
Amy: We’re going to go put this painting back up in your apartment.
Penny: Well, what about Bernadette?
Amy: Oh, screw her. She’s just lucky we let her hang out with us.
Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon is trying to affix paper over a fiercely blowing air vent.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.
Howard: Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat?
Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.
Leonard: Why is there a hole here?
Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.
Raj: Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice.
Sheldon: Is it? Listen.
Raj: What, you don’t like wind chimes?
Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.
Howard: The bird?
Sheldon: Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?
Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.
Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!
Leonard: Sheldon, relax.
Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.
Leonard: If you’re not happy, why don’t you just let Kripke have the office?
Sheldon: What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We’re trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: How’s that?
Amy: Little higher on the right.
Penny: Now?
Amy: Little more. No. That’s got it.
Penny: Yeah, okay. That’s, uh, that’s good.
Amy: I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Penny: Mm.
Amy: Originally we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes, ’cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
Penny: Yeah, good call.
Amy: But if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
Penny: You’re talking about the painting, right?
Amy: Sure.
Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon has his head stuck in the hole in the wall.
Sheldon: Help! Somebody help!
Leonard: What happened?
Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Sheldon: It’s called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter.
Leonard: Hang in there. I’ll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)
Scene: A barber’s shop.
Leonard: I’m just gonna run to the store and get a few things. I’ll pick you up when you’re done.
Sheldon: Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
Barber: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.
Barber: I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick.
Sheldon: Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?
Barber: I can cut it for you.
Sheldon: You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?
Leonard: Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber.
Sheldon: He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.
Leonard: There’s no such thing as haircut records.
Sheldon: Yes, there are.
Leonard: Have you ever seen them?
Sheldon: No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?
Barber: Your what?
Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.
Sheldon: Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)
Barber: So my kid said the funniest thing today.
Sheldon: Nope. (Runs out)
Leonard: When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?
Leonard: Sure. What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Sheldon: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.
Howard: Lookie here, I got my travel orders.
Raj: Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz is requested to report to the NASA Johnson Space Center, Houston, Texas, for astronaut training Monday eight a.m.
Howard: Yeah, but it’s from NASA, so it’s oh eight hundred.
Raj: But it says eight a.m.
Howard: You read it as oh eight hundred.
Raj: It doesn’t have an oh in front of it.
Howard: You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.
Leonard: So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that?
Sheldon: I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.
Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…
Leonard: Sheldon, be nice.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, it’s the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.
Raj: You could go to my guy. He’s at Juan-Juan in Beverly Hills. They bring you a cup of tea, they’ll massage your scalp. It’s about two hundred dollars, but sometimes you look in the next chair and you see a superstar like Tony Danza.
Howard: Quick question here, have we actually changed the conversation from I’m going
to astronaut training to Sheldon can’t get a haircut?
Raj: Now who’s dying of jealousy? Oh, it’s you.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing her harp.
Amy: I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… I’m wanted… wanted, dead or alive. Sheldon, you’re ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.
Amy: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon: I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
Amy: Well, this isn’t a crisis. Why don’t you just let your hair grow out a little?
Sheldon: Why don’t I let my hair grow out? Um, why don’t I start wearing Birkenstocks and, uh, uh, seeking validation of my opinions by asking can you dig it?
Amy: Well, I don’t know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse, bareback and bare-chested. I’m gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard (on Skype): Hi.
Bernadette: Hi, sweetie.
Howard: I miss you.
Bernadette: I miss you, too. So tell me all about your first day.
Howard: Oh, wow, where do I even start? I got to experience zero gravity.
Bernadette: Cool. How do they do that?
Howard: It’s pretty neat. You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for, like, 20 seconds, and then straight back down like it’s going to crash, and they do it over and over again, you know, no matter how many times you throw up.
Bernadette: You threw up?
Howard: Yeah, and the craziest part is, because there’s no gravity, the throw-up kind of floats there, in a little ball, and if your mouth is open because you’re screaming, sometimes it just floats right back in. Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens.
Bernadette: That sounds mean.
Howard: No. Yeah, I would have laughed, too, but I didn’t want the vomit to come back out. Anyway, oh, could you do me a favour and overnight me some more underwear?
Bernadette: Sure, why?
Howard: I got a look at the centrifuge they’re going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light.
Scene: A hospital ward.
Sheldon: Mr. D’Onofrio? It’s Sheldon. They didn’t have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. I don’t know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, get well bear-y soon. Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you’d be laughing. Anyway, there’s new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors.
Nurse: Can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?
Nurse: Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.
Nurse: I-I see. J-Jus-Just wait here one moment. Security!
Sheldon: I got to run. But not with scissors, that would be unsafe.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, if I move my horsey here, isn’t that checkmate and I win?
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn’t it?
Leonard: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh, it’s your first real game. I threw a lot of information at you.
Penny: Well, no, I mean, your king is trapped. He can’t go here because of my lighthouse, and he can’t go here because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I’ll move.
Sheldon: Eh, why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.
Penny: Uh, sweetie, are you all right?
Sheldon: No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.
Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.
Leonard: Oh, uh, he’s crazy.
Sheldon: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time.
Leonard: Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.
Penny: You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen.
Sheldon: Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.
Leonard: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit.
Sheldon: You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.
Leonard: Great. What are you going to do first?
Sheldon: I don’t know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster. I got it. I’m going to put on my Tuesday pyjamas tonight.
Leonard: I got to tell you, I’m a little worried about him.
Penny: If I were you, I’d be worried that a girl who’s never played chess in her life just kicked your ass.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard (on Skype): Hi.
Bernadette: Howie, what happened to you?
Howard: We did overnight survival training in the wilderness. Big fun. Big, big fun. I was gonna freshen up for you but I blacked out a little on the way to the bathroom.
Bernadette: Survival training? Is that like camping?
Howard: Uh-huh. Except you don’t have food or water, and they don’t have a sunset Sabbath service like they do at Camp Hess-Kramer.
Bernadette: Do you sleep in tents?
Howard: No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground with my bare hands. And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in and spooned me.
Bernadette: Poor baby.
Howard: But I did it. I survived. I wasn’t sure I was going to when the sandstorm hit. I just pulled my turtleneck up over my head and waited for death. But somehow as I sat there, wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck-sweat, I found that primal part of the human spirit that just wants to keep on living, no matter what the cost.
Bernadette: You’re so brave. I’m proud of you.
Howard: I ate a butterfly. It was so small and beautiful, but I was so hungry.
Bernadette: Are you crying?
Howard: No, I don’t think it’s possible. I’m severely dehydrated. My pee is like toothpaste.
Bernadette: Howie, if you’re not able to do this, come home. It won’t change how I feel about you.
Howard: Thanks, honey, but I can’t quit. If I do, I’ll just be a guy who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.
Bernadette: Well, is there anything I could do to help?
Howard: No. Wait. Send more underwear.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard wakes to the sound of bongos.
Leonard (going to living room): Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
Sheldon: Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning.
Sheldon: Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.
Leonard: I was sleeping.
Sheldon: Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.
Leonard: No, he doesn’t.
Sheldon: Leonard no sleep while I play bongos. Bongo solo.
Leonard: Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop it!
Penny (entering): What the hell?!
Leonard: Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos.
Penny: Why did you get bongos?
Sheldon: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.
Leonard: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.
Sheldon: Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.
Leonard: Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning.
Sheldon: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.
Leonard: W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.
Sheldon: Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.
Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten. I play bongos walking down the stairs. (Sound of falling) Oh! Oh! Never play bongos walking down the stairs.
Scene: Howard’s hotel room. There is a knock on the door.
Bernadette: Surprise.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Bernadette: I’m here to help you get through this. You can’t do it on your own, you need someone to take care of you.
Howard: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette: Oh, I love you.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, your bath is getting cold!
Howard: Don’t worry, once she falls asleep, I’ll spoon you like an armadillo.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: He showed up in the middle of the night with his bongos. I foolishly thought it was some sort of musical booty call.
Leonard: Poor guy. He must have been exhausted. Sheldon like to sleep while Leonard play the bongo!
Amy: That was kind of uncalled for.
Leonard: No, it was called for.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look, we’ve known each other for a long time now, right? I’ve taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you’re sick, you’ve even saw me naked once.
Leonard: I’m sorry, duh, what?
Penny: It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?
Amy: There’s not a hair on my body I wouldn’t let this woman trim.
Sheldon: Fine, let’s go. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch.
Amy: There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed?
Leonard: What’s this about Sheldon seeing you naked?
Sheldon: Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is cutting Sheldon’s hair.
Penny: Almost done.
Sheldon: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
Penny: Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes.
Sheldon: That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.
Penny: Okay, what do you think?
Sheldon: Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.
Penny: Ha, told you. Okay, I’m just gonna clean up your neck a little and then you are good to go.
Sheldon: Fun time. Hah. Sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
Penny: Okay. (Sheldon laughs and jerks, Penny accidentally shaves a strip up the back of his head) Okay, yep, we’re all done now. It’s just, it’s good. Let me just take that away from you. Okay.
Sgeldon: Thank you very much.
Penny: You are welcome. Yeah, I’m gonna have to move.
Scene: The stairwell
Raj: Hey, want to spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. I kind of promised myself I’d get off the computer, be more physically active. Get some exercise.
Howard: You’re about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point, I’m in.
Raj: You know what would be great? Let’s do it like the old days.
Leonard: You mean, are you talking gaming marathon?
Raj: Yeah. Start Saturday morning, go 48 hours, sleeping bags, junk food.
Howard: Turn off our phones so our moms can’t call.
Leonard: It would be like our World Of Warcraft a few years ago when the neighbours called the cops on us.
Howard: They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were dead.
Raj: We were badass back in the day.
Leonard: All right, let’s do it.
Howard: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj: It’s on like Alderaan.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon
Raj: Woo-hoo!
Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!
Leonard: We are going to play the online game.
Sheldon: The online game? Bully!
Amy: Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party.
Sheldon: Just tell her I can’t come.
Amy: She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up.
Sheldon: She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.
Amy: No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none.
Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy: You use it to get your way.
Sheldon: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.
Amy: You gave me your word. You’re coming with me.
Leonard: We’ll miss you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.
Howard: Yeah, but it’s got lightsabres.
Sheldon: Yeah, please, Amy! It’s got lightsabres!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Hello Stuart.
Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?
Sheldon: Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?
Stuart: Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.
Sheldon: Do you supply the the tennis ball?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Then no. What else?
Stuart: Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.
Sheldon: Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.
Stuart: I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.
Leonard: I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.
Leonard: That’s what your father used to say?
Sheldon: Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist.
Howard: Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.
Raj: I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn’t help.
Sheldon: Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.
Howard: Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation. (Phone makes whip sound)
Sheldon: You’re right. I’m smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, listen, I kind of made plans with the guys this weekend, but then I wondered, because we’re in this relationship-beta-test, if I should have asked you first. Then I thought if I did check with you first, you’d think that I was taking things to seriously. And then, then I got a nosebleed.
Penny: You don’t have to check with me. Do whatever you want.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I was hoping for a different reaction, but okay.
Penny: Really, what were you hoping for?
Leonard: I don’t know, maybe that you’d be a little upset, and then you’d realize that I’m a stallion that has to run free. And that would turn you on a little.
Penny: Okay, I’m an actress. Ask me again.
Leonard: Do you mind if I spend the weekend playing video games with the guys?
Penny: Whu… the entire weekend? You mean I wouldn’t see you at all? But I ju… No, no, I knew what I was getting into. You can’t put a saddle on Leonard Hofstadter. Oh, my, is it getting hot in here? Ay, papi.
Leonard: Ay papi? What is that?
Penny: An acting choice.
Leonard: Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez?
Penny: Choo got a problem with that, papi?
Leonard: Uh-uh.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!
Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.
Penny: Gummy bears? Thank you.
Sheldon: Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.
Penny: Not a chance.
Sheldon: All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.
Leonard: Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.
Penny: All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.
Penny: What’s that?
Sheldon: I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Amy: Good morning.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: You sure you’re okay with this?
Sheldon: Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.
Amy: Thank you. That means a lot to me.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.
Amy: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude?
Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.
Amy: You know, if playing that game is more important to you than honouring your commitment to me, and you don’t mind me showing up at a party all by myself after I’ve already told everybody I’ll be bringing somebody, then, fine. Go home and play your game.
Sheldon: Thanks. Ooh, listen, I wouldn’t mind a piece of birthday cake, provided the old gal’s candle blow is clean and dry.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Here you go. I’ve got everything we’ll need for the big game. Low fat turkey jerky, low-carb beer, 100-calorie snack packs.
Leonard: You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.
Raj: Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.
Leonard: Well, we’re always the good guys. In D&D, we’re lawful good, in City Of Heroes, we’re the heroes, in Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.
Sheldon: Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.
Howard: Hey, guys, I got a surprise.
Leonard: Uh, if it’s yoghurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it.
Howard: No. Bernadette’s going to be playing with us. So, that’s pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah.
Raj: What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.
Howard: I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now.
Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?
Leonard: Uh, it is, but I think you might’ve waited too long for it to be funny. (Whip sound) I was wrong, it’s still funny.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Hah-hah!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Amy, what’s wrong?
Amy: My boyfriend’s a jerk.
Penny: Well, I know he didn’t cheat on you, so what happened?
Amy: I had to go to my aunt’s party all by myself, and everybody was like, where’s this boyfriend you’re always talking about? Is he real, or did you make him up like Armin the miniature horse breeder?
Penny: Who’s Armin the miniature horse breeder?
Amy: The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back. It unravelled quickly when I couldn’t answer the question how’d you two meet?
Penny: I would have thought at a miniature horse show.
Amy: Oh, that’s good.
Penny: Mm.
Amy: I panicked and said Woodstock. I just wanted to show Sheldon off to my family.
Penny: Sure, I get that. I mean, he’s your first boyfriend and all.
Amy: Not just my first boyfriend, he’s the best boyfriend. I mean, think about it. I’m dating Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: Yes. On purpose.
Amy: He’s handsome, he’s lanky, he’s brilliant, and his skin has that pale, waxy quality.
Penny: Well, sickly is the new sexy.
Amy: Yeah.
Penny: Mm. You know, Amy, sometimes when you’re in a relationship with someone you really care about, the sucky part is, it leaves you open to getting hurt.
Amy: Do you ever worry about Leonard doing that to you?
Penny: That’s hilarious. No.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Get that guy! Get that guy! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Sheldon: Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know that saying pew, pew, pew isn’t as effective as pressing your blaster key. In the same way that saying whee doesn’t make the land speeder go.
Bernadette: Pew!
Leonard: Raj, Imperial Troopers on your tail.
Raj: Got him. When Gandhi advocated his philosophy of non-violence, I bet he didn’t know how much fun it was killing stuff.
Leonard: All right, I think we got them all. Let’s divide up the loot.
Bernadette: Ooh, look at this pretty purple robe I just got. You should put on yours and then we’ll match.
Howard: But I worked hard to get this armour.
Bernadette: Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.
Howard: Fine, I’ll change. (Whip sound)
Sheldon: Hah-hah!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I don’t think I want to play a game.
Penny: Oh, come on. They’re playing one across the hall, we should, too. Okay, we are gonna take turns bouncing a quarter off the table, and if it goes into this cup, the other person has to drink. Then you get to go again…
Amy: Like that?
Penny: Wow. Yeah, b-beginner’s luck. So, now I will drink this entire cup of beer, and you will go again and we can… uh… all right. So, yeah, okay, now I’m gonna drink this entire cup and then I’m going to drink another one… Okay, seriously, stop. What the hell?
Amy: Spent a lot of my childhood throwing coins into wishing wells hoping for friends. At a certain point, you start doing trick shots just to keep things interesting.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, give me a second to catch up here. Hold on. (Sound of cheering)
Amy: That’d be my boyfriend. Happier playing his dopey Star Trek game with his friends than hanging out with me.
Penny: Wars.
Amy: What?
Penny: Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.
Amy: What’s the difference?
Penny: There’s absolutely no difference.
Amy: How do I get him to treat me better?
Penny: All right. Let me give you a little girlfriend 101. Usually the first move out of the gate is you withhold sex, but that will work better after Sheldon hits puberty. So, I’d say give him the silent treatment.
Amy: No, he loves that.
Penny: Hmm.
Amy: Our record for sitting in a room together and not speaking to each other is six-and-a half hours. He said it was a magical evening.
Penny: All right, then we’re gonna have to go with an oldie but goodie, making a scene.
Amy: I don’t think I’d be good at that.
Penny: That’s why you’re lucky to have me. Back in Omaha, there are two different restaurants I’m not allowed into. Both Chili’s.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Bernadette, remember, your character’s the healer in our group. You’re in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.
Bernadette: I can’t help it. My Howie Wowie has an owie.
Sheldon: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced. And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.
Amy (bursting in): Sheldon Cooper, I’ve got a bone to pick with you, and I’m about to do it in front of all your friends.
Penny: Yeah, you pick that bone. You pick that bone clean!
Amy: I’m gonna publicly shame you, and then sit back as societal pressure compels you to modify your behaviour.
Penny: Ooh, burn!
Amy: And if you don’t start treating me better, I’m leaving you for a miniature horse breeder named Armin.
Sheldon: Armin who?
Amy: Armin… damn it.
Penny: Sheldon, she wanted to show you off to her family, and you stood her up, okay? Look at this adorable, smushy face. Smush, smush, smush, smush.
Amy: You’re hurting me.
Penny: No, Sheldon hurt you.
Amy: Before; now it’s you.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution.
Penny: Sheldon, she doesn’t want your stupid…
Amy: Ooh, Science Center. Redeeming. Let’s go.
Sheldon: Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat. (Whip sound) Oh, grow up, Leonard.
Raj: But e-excuse me, I have something to say. None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend. It was gonna be like the old days, the four of us hanging out playing video games before you guys all got girlfriends. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be the only one without a girlfriend? Even if I get one someday, I’ll still be the guy who got a girl after Sheldon Cooper!
Penny: And that’s how a girl makes a scene. I’m sorry, sweetie. You’re right. You deserve your weekend. Come on, Amy, let’s go.
Amy: What about the Science Center?
Penny: I’ll let you hold my hair while I throw up.
Amy: Rain check.
Bernadette: I’m gonna go, too.
Howard: I’ll miss you.
Bernadette: I’ll miss you.
Howard: I’ll miss you more.
Bernadette: No, I’ll…
Raj: Just leave! Okay, now. This is the way it’s supposed to be. Men together, fighting the forces of evil.
All: Hear! Hear!
Raj: I can’t believe this is only 64 calories.
Scene: Some time later. The guys are asleep.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard Joel Wolowitz! I’ve been worried sick for two days, and I know you turned off your phone! You open up this door right now because I’ve had it up to here! I have been to the morgue and the hospital, and I spent the last half hour walking up these ferkakta stairs!
Howard: That’s my ride, got to go. (Whip sound)
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken.
Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, the best things in life are free.
Penny: Okay, you’re right, I eat your food a lot. How about this, you can raid my fridge any time you want.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking.
Howard: Hey, Raj, you didn’t send your RSVP in. I’m supposed to ask you if you’re bringing someone to the wedding.
Raj: I’ll let you know.
Howard: Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine.
Sheldon: Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.
Leonard: Mmm, you liked Professor Guyster’s wedding.
Sheldon: They had a make your own sundae bar. Ooh, that was a night to remember. Do you know, on the one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.
Howard: Anyway, you gotta let me know if you have a plus one, because if not my mom’s trying to sneak in the doctor who sucked the fat out of her neck.
Raj: Alright, uh, fine, I’m coming and I’m bringing somebody. Uh, Koothrappali plus one.
Leonard: Who you bringing?
Raj: Who are you bringing?
Penny: He’s bringing me. Who are you bringing?
Raj: Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O’Donnells.
Howard: Come on, who is it?
Raj: I’m not telling. I’m from Asia. I’m mysterious. Deal with it.
Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?
Howard: No, uh, I don’t think so.
Sheldon: Well you should. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make your own sundae bars end in happiness.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (on skype): Hello Mummy, Daddy, how are you?
Mrs Koothrappali: Pretty good, can’t complain.
Dr Koothrappali: Oh I’m sure you can. Just give it a minute.
Raj: Listen, uh, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I, I wasn’t ready until now, but I think it’s time.
Dr Koothrappali: It’s finally happening. You’re coming out of the closet, aren’t you?
Mrs Koothrappali: We love you, and we accept your alternate lifestyle. Just keep it to yourself.
Raj: No, I’m not gay. If anything, I’m metrosexual.
Dr Koothrappali: What’s that?
Raj: It means I like women as well as their skincare products.
Dr Koothrappali: Well, if you’re not coming out, why did you call us during the cricket semi-finals?
Raj: ‘Cause I, I’m tired of trying to meet someone and, I think I’d like you to help me find uh, a wife.
Mrs Koothrappali: And just to clarify, a female wife?
Raj: Yes.
Dr Koothrappali: Matchmaking, very smart move son. Much better than marrying for love.
Mrs Koothrappali: We married for love.
Dr Koothrappali: And it’s been wonderful.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m glad.
Sheldon: It’s like looking at the universe naked. (Shivers)
Penny: Hi, you guys got a minute?
Leonard: Sure, what’s up?
Penny: Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food.
Sheldon: Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.
Leonard: I’m sorry, you are our resident cut-up?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Prove it.
Sheldon: Knock, knock.
Leonard: Who’s there?
Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.
Leonard: Interrupting physi…
Sheldon: MUON!
Penny: Anyway, I got a little residual cheque from my commercial and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thankyou to pay them back. So, Sheldon, ta-da!
Sheldon: Ah! A vintage, mint in box, 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot-darn!
Leonard: Where did you get that?
Penny: Uh, from Stuart at the comic-book store.
Leonard: You went to the comic-book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.
Sheldon: Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.
Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug?
Sheldon: Not this time. Then they wouldn’t be special. Thanks Penny.
Penny: You’re welcome. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. Leonard, I got you a label maker.
Leonard: Wow. No, it’s great. Also, uh, mint in box.
Penny: Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too!
Leonard: Awesome!
Sheldon: Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure.
Penny: Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there.
Leonard: Ah!
Sheldon: Oh dear Lord. No!
Penny: Why, they’re just toys?
Sheldon: They’re mint in box.
Leonard: They’re Collectables.
Penny: C’mon can’t we just open one up and take a…
Together: No!
Leonard: Once you open the box it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
Scene: A restaurant.
Bernadette: Are you sure you want us here when you meet this woman?
Raj: Oh yes. In my culture it’s expected to have a chaparone to oversee a first date. Plus I want to make a good impression and, no offence, but with you guys here I look like six two.
Bernadette: The nuns always chaparoned the dances at my high school. They used to make us leave room between us for the holy spirit.
Howard: Hindus do the same thing. Except they leave room for a cow.
Raj: Listen, I love your charming racist humour, but any chance you could not knock my religion while she’s here.
Howard: Yesterday you made fun of me for eating lox.
Raj: It’s different. You’re people don’t worship lox.
Howard: Well clearly you’ve never been to brunch with my cousins.
Bernadette: So, arranged marriages. The parents just decide, and then you have to get married?
Raj: Oh, no, no, I get a say in it. But I’m sure whoever shows up will be better company than a threesome I’ve been having with Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth.
Girl: Excuse me, are you Rajesh?
Raj: Oh, yes. You must be Lakshmi. Uh, nice to meet you.
Lakshmi: Nice to meet you too.
Raj: Oh, uh, these are my, my friends. This is Bernadette.
Bernadette: Hello.
Raj: And this is Howard.
Howard: Nice to meet you.
Lakshmi: You too.
Raj: Please have a seat. (To Bernadette) I’m thinking double wedding!
Scene: The apartment.
Voice of Spock: Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper?
Sheldon: Is someone there?
Spock: Down here, on your desk.
Sheldon: Spock?
Spock: I need to speak with you.
Sheldon: Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.
Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.
Sheldon: Was I hit on the head by a coconut.
Spock: I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy.
Sheldon: But it’s mint in box.
Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.
Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?
Sheldon: To be played with.
Spock: Therefore? To not play with it would be?
Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.
Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right? (Wakes up in bed) Goody, goody, goody. This is wrong. This is wrong. I’m so excited, but this is wrong. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I did it. Oh, that’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like. One to beam down Mr Scott. Aye, aye, Mr Spock. Energise. (Spins toy). Energise. (Tries to spin toy. It sticks. Tries to get Spock out and toy falls apart.) Don’t be broken. Please don’t be broken. (To Spock toy) What did you make me do? Okay, okay, think. (Sees Leonard’s toy) It’s only logical.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Lakshmi: My goodness, that was delicious.
Raj: Well, I hope you saved room for chocolate lava cake.
Lakshmi: Impressive. What goes into making something like that.
Raj: Well, you start off by trying to make chocolate souffle, and when it falls you panic, quickly change the name, and voila! Lava cake.
Lakshmi: I bet our parents are dying to know how things are going here.
Raj: Well, let’s see. Yup, three missed calls.
Lakshmi: Four missed calls, two text messages, and a failed video chat. I win. So, what are we going to tell them.
Raj: I’d like to tell them things are going well.
Lakshmi: Me too. But before we get their hopes up we should probably make sure we’re on the same page.
Raj: Okay, what page are you on?
Lakshmi: I’m on the one where I’m on a lot of pressure from my parents to get married and settle down, and have a family, and I’m going to do it so they don’t find out I’m gay.
Raj: Say again.
Lakshmi: I’m gay.
Raj: Like, dude on dude, but with women?
Lakshmi: I know a fake marriage isn’t an honest way to live, but you of all people must know how difficult it is to come out in our culture.
Raj: Why me, of all people?
Lakshmi: Well, there is a rumour back in New Delhi that you’re, how shall we say, comfortable in a sari.
Raj: I’m not gay.
Lakshmi: Really? The chocolate lava cake? The little soaps in the bathroom? And I’m sorry, but you’re wearing more perfume than I am.
Raj: That’s Unbreakable by Khloe and Lamar. And for your information, it’s unisex.
Lakshmi: Fill in the blank. I love the nightlife?
Raj: I like to boogie.
Lakshmi: Got you.
Raj: W-w-with women. I like to boogie with women.
Lakshmi: That’s disappointing. You were exactly the kind of phoney-baloney husband I was looking for.
Raj: Thankyou. And once again, my baloney likes girls. Wait-wait. You don’t want to put a bit of that in your mouth without trying my homemade chantilly cream. Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon writhes in bed, then wakes up on an alien planet.
Sheldon: Oh dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.
Spock: Hello again, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is it now, tiny Spock?
Spock: I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Sheldon: You’re the one who told me to play with it.
Spock: If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it?
Sheldon: No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.
Spock: Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.
Spock: Well I am unhappy.
Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.
Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan. Now do the right thing.
Sheldon: You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.
Spock: Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right. You broke it.
Sheldon: Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energise. (Throws Spock away. Get’s attacked by a Gorn. Wakes up.) Ah. Tiny Spock. Help.
Scene: Howard’s laboratory. Howard is soldering something.
Raj: Ready for lunch?
Howard: Yep, one sec. (Puts thing in mouth.) Ah, good. Ma would have killed me if she’d found out I’d broke my retainer.
Raj: Hey, uh, can I run something by you? It’s about Lakshmi.
Howard: Yeah. Sure. How are things going?
Raj: We hit a couple of bumps. She lives over on Manhattan Beach, so it takes over an hour to get there. And she’s a lesbian.
Howard: What do you mean, she’s a lesbian?
Raj: Well, you know whenever you and I would try to hit on women in bars, and they’d blow us off, and then we’d tell each other they were probably gay. It’s like that. Except this time it’s true.
Howard: Then why did she even go out with you?
Raj: She was looking for a husband so she can appear to be straight. And you know, it sounded crazy to me at first, but I’m actually thinking about doing it.
Howard: Okay, well, so the reason that might sound crazy, is ’cause it’s crazy.
Raj: Look, Howard, you’re in a relationship. You know you have to make compromises.
Howard: Well, yes. But my compromises are about which bedspread to buy, or whose turn it is to do the laundry, Bernadette’s or my mom’s.
Raj: It’s a great deal. We both get our parents off our backs. I don’t have to come home to an empty apartment every night, plus, once I’m married, I can finally eat carbs again and let myself go.
Howard: Why don’t you tell your parents you want to try and find someone else, you know, maybe one who hasn’t slept with more women than you.
Raj: Because this one wants to marry me. I might never find another one who does.
Howard: So you’re seriously thinking about marrying someone you’re never going to have sex with.
Raj: I can’t believe your attitude. I thought you were in favour of gay people getting married.
Howard: Yes, to other gay people.
Raj: Do you hear how homophobic you sound?
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is working on his laptop. Spock is looking at him judgementally. He switches the two toys.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want a broken toy. (Switches them back again. Penny and Leonard enter.) Nothing!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing. I said nothing.
Penny: That was weird.
Leonard: Really? I don’t even notice any more.
Penny: I cannot believe you guys aren’t going to play with these.
Leonard: Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box.
Penny: I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box.
Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.
Penny: What is your problem?
Sheldon: My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her.
Penny: Leonard, I bought you this because I wanted you to have fun with it. I don’t want it to just sit in this box.
Leonard: You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Mmmmm!
Leonard: It’s broken.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Oh, nice job, man-hands.
Penny: I didn’t break it. I, I guess Stuart sold it to me like this.
Sheldon: Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart.
Penny: You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.
Leonard: Absolutely.
Sheldon: Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.
Leonard: Why would you open mine?
Sheldon: I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.
Leonard: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
Sheldon: I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon: My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Leonard: Okay, that I believe.
Penny: Mmm.
Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.
Leonard: So, is that one mine.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Well, hand it over so I can open it.
Sheldon: Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.
Leonard: And that’s a lie, right?
Sheldon: Big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: This is a treat, what brings you guys by?
Bernadette: Raj, Howie told me what’s going on with you and Lakshmi.
Raj: What, you told her?
Howard: I told everybody.
Bernadette: We believe there’s someone out there who’ll love you for you.
Howard: Well, actually we kind of agreed to disagree on that one, but we both think you shouldn’t marry this woman.
Raj: So, while I’m waiting for this mysterious perfect match, who may or may not exist, I’m supposed to just be alone.
Bernadette: Not necessarily. I think we’ve found someone for you to cuddle with. (Pulls a puppy out of her bag.)
Raj: Oh, my goodness. Aren’t you the cutest little Yorkie ever? You got him for me?
Howard: Her. We thought you two would hit it off.
Raj: I think we already have. Thank you guys so much. Let’s see if you fit in my man purse.
Bernadette: Metrosexual my ass.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
Raj: I don’t mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
Howard: Believe me, I know. The e-mail I got was from the office of Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Raj: Why?
Howard: He’s coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture, and he’s looking for an engineer to help maintain the equipment on his wheelchair.
Leonard: That’s amazing. You’ll be like his pit crew. A word of caution, I would not do your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him.
Howard (in Stephen Hawking voice): You’re right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.
Raj: Oh, boy, Sheldon’s going to freak out.
Leonard: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard: I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj: That’s really nice of you, Howard.
Howard: Hm, it’s no big deal.
Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?
Leonard: Like it was ten hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.
Leonard: Really?
Raj: That’s incredible. Oh, here, break out the math.
Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.
Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, and don’t stop working on it.
Raj: Are you still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard: Yep.
Leonard: Still going to introduce him?
Howard: Not on your life.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A corridor.
Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.
Howard: I told you, no.
Sheldon: But I said I’m sorry.
Howard: No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry?
Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?
Howard: Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard: Jews don’t have heaven.
Sheldon: Then to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.
Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.
Howard: Oh, you can’t be serious.
Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.
Howard: Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
Sheldon: Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.
Howard: Get out of my lab.
Sheldon: Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?
Howard: Get out.
Sheldon: How about dolphins?
Howard: Out!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, come on, how was the first day with Hawking?
Howard: It was great. We talked about movies.
Sheldon: Oh!
Howard: I showed him some card tricks.
Sheldon: Oh!
Howard: He even let me read a couple pages from his new book.
Sheldon: Oh!
Howard: Something got you down there, bunky?
Sheldon: Howard, please, I’m begging you.
Leonard: Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.
Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
Howard: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.
Howard: You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111.
Sheldon: It’s actually 01100111.
Howard: No!
Sheldon: I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.
Howard: Let me try gansta, hells no.
Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.
Leonard: What if he doesn’t?
Sheldon: He will, he’s really smart.
Howard: That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends?
Sheldon: How do I do that?
Howard: You walk away.
Sheldon: Walking away.
Leonard: You do realize you own his ass right now.
Howard: I do.
Raj: You can make him do anything you want.
Howard: Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.
Raj: Well, don’t be too mean.
Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.
Raj: I wouldn’t mind a glass.
Sheldon: I wasn’t talking to you.
Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.
Howard: Sheldon, come on back.
Sheldon: Yes, yes. What did you decide?
Howard: I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.
Howard: But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labours of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?
Howard: Well, I thought I’d start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard: That’s nice.
Sheldon: That’s a lot of belt buckles.
Howard: Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back.
Sheldon: You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that.
Howard: Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.
(Later)
Howard: Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny?
Sheldon: Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.
Howard: Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud.
Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?
Howard: Oh, my dear boy, no. Okay. Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette. I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time, but I was wrong and really wrong.
Sheldon: And you want me to return it for you?
Howard: No, no, no, mon petit cherie.
Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon enters in the French maid costume.
Sheldon: What are you all staring at? Didn’t you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry?
Sheldon: This is not my laundry.
Penny: Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her.
Sheldon: Those are Howard’s.
Penny: Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties?
Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon: That’s close enough.
Penny: I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?
Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?
Penny: Well…
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…
Penny: I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.
Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.
Penny: Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.
Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.
Penny: See, there it is, there’s that twinkle.
Sheldon: Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.
Penny: What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.
Penny: Fine, Howard is being mean to you for no reason.
Sheldon: I knew it.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: What’s the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, go get ‘im.
Howard: It’s not her fault. She’s getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny. Check this out, I got Sheldon to wear the French maid’s costume.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, that’s terrible.
Howard: Hey, I gave you first crack at it.
Bernadette: Why are you doing that? You’re being mean to him.
Howard: He’s mean to me all the time. You’ve heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
Bernadette: If you don’t want to get teased about that, get a doctorate. I have one, they’re great.
Howard: Oh, come on, the man torments me. I’m just letting him have a little taste of his own medicine.
Bernadette: It’s not the same thing. Sheldon doesn’t know when he’s being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.
Howard: Fine, I’ll just make him do a couple more things, then I’ll stop.
Bernadette: No, you have to stop now.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Bernadette, I want to remind you, you promised to take me dress shopping tomorrow!
Bernadette: Oh, damn. I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but Sheldon’s going to go with you! And that’s the last thing you do to him.
Scene: A shop changing rooms.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Sheldon! I need your help!
Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s this dress. When I put my front in, my back pops out. When I put my back in, my front pops out. It’s like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub!
Sheldon: What do you want me to do?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): We’re gonna have to work as a team. Get in here, grab a handful, and start stuffing.
Sheldon (off): I’m not sure how to do this.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s easy, just pretend you’re putting away a sleeping bag.
Sheldon (off): Sleeping bags don’t usually sweat this much, but okay.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Now zip me up.
Sheldon (off): Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You’re right, who am I kidding? You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all? Would you hold me?
Sheldon: Oh, no, you know, I’m not really the holding kind of… Oh!
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs.
Leonard: What are these?
Howard: Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh?
Raj: Wow, that’s amazing.
Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.
Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.
Howard: I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.
Sheldon: Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?
Howard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.
Howard: All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do.
Sheldon: You’re obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard: It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Now will you give my paper to Hawking?
Howard: Sorry, I can’t.
Sheldon: What, why not?
Howard: I gave it to him three days ago. He was really impressed. He wants to meet you.
Sheldon: All right, then. Thank you, Howard. Please let Professor Hawking know that I’m available at his earliest convenience.
Raj: I thought he might be a little more excited.
Leonard: Give it a second. (Sound of Sheldon shrieking in joy in his bedroom)
Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.
Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.
Hawking: That’s nice. Too bad it’s wrong.
Sheldon: What do you mean wrong?
Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
Sheldon: No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.
Hawking: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It’s just, I was thinking… Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
Hawking: Great, another fainter.
Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon laughs to himself.
Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.
Raj: Okay, uh, I’d pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I’ve always dreamed of having.
Sheldon: Wrong. Leonard?
Leonard: Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.
Sheldon: Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we?
Howard: Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.
Leonard: Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body.
Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.
Leonard: Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.
Sheldon: All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight.
Raj: He got us again.
Leonard: No, he didn’t.
Raj: Anyway, if it’s okay with you, we should talk about Howard’s bachelor party.
Sheldon: Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you’re half swan.
Raj: I’ve been doing some research on strippers. One agency I spoke to, said I could get us a great price if we’re flexible on age range and number of limbs.
Howard: Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers.
Raj: You don’t want strippers? You’re the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.
Howard: What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.
Leonard: Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.
Sheldon: You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.
Howard: Well, it’s probably not for me.
Raj: Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They’ve got that wine train.
Sheldon: Boo, wine! But yay, trains. I’m in.
Raj: Anyway, it’s a beautiful time of year. Uh, you travel through the vineyards. There’s a tasting on board. And all the wild flowers are in bloom. It’s magic.
Leonard: Look at that, in 30 seconds, we went from hiring women to being them.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: So, I hear you and the lost boys are having a bachelor party tonight.
Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant, get some steaks and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard: Well, I don’t know. It’s a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Wouldn’t that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Oh, come on Leonard, it’s you. What’s going to happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you’d do is avoid eye-contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
Leonard: Hey, I am a young man in his sexual prime. Under the right conditions, I-I-I am capable of just, really crazy stuff.
Penny: Really? What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done with a woman? And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count.
Leonard: Oh, come on, that’s got to count. There was a really strong undertow, we could have died.
Penny: Well, have fun tonight.
Leonard: Oh, I will. There is no telling what might happen.
Penny: Yeah, there is.
Leonard: You know, there’s nothing wrong helping some woman’s kid get through their S.A.T.’s.
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.
Sheldon: It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.
Leonard: Are you drinking whisky?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky.
Leonard: Whoa, it’s a little early to start dropping J-bombs, don’t you think?
Wil Wheaton: Hey, you guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.
Wil: Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house.
Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.
Wil: Oh, I’m friends with Howard too.
Sheldon: Oh. I guess you’re just friends with anybody. (Drinks) Aagh!
Stuart: Hey, uh, Leonard, things are a little tight at the comic book store. I might need some help covering my share of the check.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no worries.
Stuart: And maybe a few bucks for the valet.
Leonard: Oh, all right.
Stuart: And gas money to get home.
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Stuart: Great. You know what? This is my grandfather’s watch.
Leonard: Oh.
Stuart: 18-carat gold, got it in Europe during the war.
Leonard: Wow, that’s very nice.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. A hundred bucks and it’s yours.
Raj: Hey, everybody! The bachelor boy has arrived! For he’s a jolly good fellow…
All (joining in): For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.
Kripke: Yes, yes, yes. He’s a jowwy good fewwow. What time do the stwippers awwive?
Howard: Actually, Barry, we’re not going to have strippers tonight.
Kripke: Ah, then what the fwig did I get two hundwed dowwaws in singles out for?
Stuart: You want to buy a watch?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy (into a mini-cam): This is Maid of Honour Amy Farrah Fowler, bringing you the wedding activities just weeks out from the big day. Let’s check in with a beautiful, radiant young woman, and her friend who’s about to get married. Ladies, can you tell us what you’re doing?
Bernadette: Um, these are gift bags we’re going to put in the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests. This is a map of Pasadena. This is a list of local restaurants. And then, for Howie’s relatives, we have antihistamines, antacids, and medicine for diarrhoea and constipation.
Penny: Yeah, we labeled them stop and go.
Amy: All right, pivoting to the big question. Bernadette, on your wedding night you’ll be consummating your marriage. What do you think your first sexual position will be as husband and wife?
Bernadette: Amy, please.
Amy: Keeping in mind that whoever’s on top may set the tone for the marriage.
Penny: Okay, show’s over.
Amy: Hey, they may conceive a child on their wedding night. Don’t you think the kid might get a kick out of knowing how it happened?
Penny: I don’t care. Ask her things like are you going to take Howard’s name? Not who’s going to sit on who?
Bernadette: I’ve actually been thinking I’m going to hyphenate: Bernadette Mary-Ann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
Penny: Nice. You know, you should totally get BernadetteMaryAnnRostenkowskiWolowitz.com before someone snaps it up.
Bernadette: Howard already took care of it. Plus, he set up our beautiful wedding website with cute little facts about our family histories. Do you know, for a while in Poland, my family and his family were neighbours.
Penny: Oh, that’s cool.
Amy: No, it’s not. I’ll explain it to you later.
Scene: The restaurant.
Raj: May I have your attention, please? We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.
All: Hear! Hear!
Sheldon: And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend.
Wil: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Talk to the hand.
Raj: Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Doubleazinga! I do! Good luck following that.
Leonard: So, Howard Wolowitz tying the knot. Leaving his crazy bachelor days behind. He was a wild one. Well, I guess we all kind of were. I remember this one time, I was with this girl at the beach. We were in the ocean and we started making out. I know, it was crazy. I wasn’t even wearing my Aquasocks. Then…
Kripke: Nobody cares, Hofstadter. Wwap it up.
Leonard: Right. To Howard.
All: To Howard.
Leonard: I totally had sex in the ocean.
Stuart: Okay, I’ll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can’t help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I’m 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.
Raj: Yeah, to Howard. Um, uh, who’s next?
Kripke: I’ll go. Howard, I’m gonna say something to you that evewybody’s thinking but no one has the couwage to say out woud. When you invite a man to a bachewor pawty, the impwication is, there will be stwippews. Maybe not compwetewy nude, but at weast pasties and G-stwings. That’s not unweasonable.
Raj: Hear, hear.
All: Hear, hear.
Raj: Okay, uh, anybody else? Huh? No? Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, when I first came to this country, I-I didn’t know how to behave or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, because we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world.
Kripke: Yeah, nice speech, Fwancine. (Tucks a dollar in Raj’s pants.)
Raj: I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh, yeah, and then there was the time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one’s my favourite!
Howard: Okay, buddy, that’s it. Sit down.
Raj: Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Howard: Don’t remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m proud to say it was with this man right here.
Howard: Oh, please shut up.
Raj: Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.
Wil (filming on his phone): Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you.
Sheldon: Jeepers, I’m drunk.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: Thank you for picking us up. There’s a warning, right there, on the scotch bottle. You cannot be operatin’ heavy machinery after you had a snootful of this, laddie!
Bernadette: Funny. You boys have a nice time?
Howard: Yeah, it was great. And low-key, like I promised. No hanky-panky, no strippers. Just the guys telling jokes.
Bernadette: That’s nice.
Howard: How about you? Did you have a fun night? Yeah, we, uh, made gift bags, had wine, and then went online and saw this.
Raj’s Voice: Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one’s my favourite.
Raj: You know, we’re not that far from my apartment. If you stop the car, I can walk from here.
Bernadette: You ain’t goin’ anywhere, Threeway.
Howard: Bernadette, listen…
Bernadette: You lied to me. You said you told me about all the girls you’ve been with, but you never mentioned your cousin, the prostitute or Raj!
Raj: Seriously, you don’t even have to stop the car. Anything under ten miles an hour and I can combat-roll into the street.
Howard: Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn’t hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
Bernadette: Don’t you try and blame this on him.
Raj: Thank you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Zip it, pervert!
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m supposed to marry Howard in a couple of weeks and I’m not sure I even know who the man is any more.
Amy: I’m curious what’s bothering you most, the borderline incest, the prostitute or group sex with the girl dressed as the children’s cartoon?
Penny: Amy, remember when we went over things that would be helpful and things that wouldn’t?
Amy: Right. And that was…
Penny: Not.
Bernadette: When I first met Howard, he seemed so innocent to me, just a sweet little guy who lives with his mother.
Penny: Well, if that’s what you like, I’ll take you to the comic book store, the place is full of ’em.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. You set me up with Howard. Did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into?
Penny: Well, a little. You hear stuff.
Bernadette: Why didn’t you tell me
Penny: Well, I was gonna, but I didn’t think it would go past the first date. Then, when it did, I thought for sure it wouldn’t go past you meeting his mother. Definitely not past the two of you sleeping together. I mean, the warning signs were there, this is really on you.
Bernadette: My God! I thought you were my friend. (Runs to bedroom)
Amy: I don’t think that was helpful.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: Hi, Bernie, it’s me again. Please call me back.
Raj: Dude, I am so sorry.
Howard: It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I did all that stuff, not you.
Leonard: Actually, you did do one of them together.
Sheldon: Here.
Howard: What is this?
Sheldon: You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.
Howard: No, but what is it?
Sheldon: Chicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it’s been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.
Howard: I don’t know what my next move is.
Leonard: Well, Howard, I don’t know much about women.
Howard: Yeah?
Leonard: No, uh, that, that’s it. I don’t know much about women. Raj, you got anything?
Raj: I’ve got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
Howard: I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.
Raj: All right. More Sailor Moon for me.
Sheldon: I just threw up the bachelor party.
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Penny: Please come out, Bernadette. Let’s talk through this.
Bernadette: No, leave me alone.
Amy: Perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. Do you have a cousin who you find attractive?
Penny: Amy.
Amy: Hey, you introduced him to the sleazebag. I’m just trying to clean up your mess.
Howard (at the door): Oh, hi.
Penny: Hey.
Howard: I need to talk to Bernadette.
Penny: Well, I don’t think she wants to talk to anyone right now.
Howard: All right, well, could you at least give her a message?
Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Howard: Tell her I’m really sorry, and if she doesn’t want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she’s disgusted by, is the guy that I’m disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn’t exist any more, he’s gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you.
Penny: Oh, my God, Howard. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. And it came out of you.
Bernadette: Howie?
Howard: Penny has a message for you.
Bernadette: I heard. Your voice, not unlike your mother’s, travels through walls.
Howard: Do you want me to go?
Bernadette: No. Come here. I’m still really mad at you.
Howard: I get that.
Bernadette: Is there anything else about your past I should know?
Howard: Couple things, but, you know, most of them happened overseas. I’ll tell you later.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: So, is the wedding still on?
Bernadette: Yeah, the wedding’s still on. (They hug)
Amy: Oh, thank God. I’m still a maid of honour. (Joins in the hug)
Penny: Oh, what the hell. (Joins in too)
Amy: This is kind of hot.
Scene: The laundry room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown.
Leonard: Hello.
Penny: What’s with the robe?
Leonard (taking it off): I’m gonna have sex with you right here, right now, on that washing machine.
Penny: No, you’re not.
Leonard: Come on, please.
Penny: If you want to do something, you can help me fold this sheet.
Leonard: Folding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy.
Scene: Howard’s laboratory. The phone rings. Howard puts it on speaker.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz.
Voice: Hey, Howard. Dave Roeger here at NASA. We need to talk about your upcoming mission.
Howard: Yes, yes, I’ve been doing my push-ups. I’m still stuck at nine, but that’s going all the way down with no one holding me.
Roeger: That’s great, uh, but that’s not why I called. We’ve run into a bit of a snafu. Your Soyuz capsule failed the pressurization test, so bottom line, mission’s been scrubbed.
Howard (Picks up receiver): You’re kidding. So what does that mean? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Boy, I got to tell you, I’m really disappointed. This was my dream ever since I was a little kid. Okay, well, uh, thanks for the call. Yep, you, too. (Puts down phone.) Yes! Thank you! Oh! Oh! I’m not gonna die in space! I’m gonna die the way God intended, in my late 50s, with a heart full of pastrami.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A suit shop.
Sheldon (off): I’m going to need a larger shirt. This one’s a little tight under the arms.
Assistant: Okay.
Leonard: Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.
Leonard: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?
Leonard: No, it should be: why are you?
Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?
Assistant: Why don’t you slip this on?
Sheldon: Said the hangman offering a noose.
Raj: Well, that wasn’t as entertaining as when he rents bowling shoes, but it was right up there.
Howard: Well, that’s it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no go to space.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Howard, but I got to tell you, I’m a little relieved you’re not going.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Leonard: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, ooh, check out this Blu-ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia”?
Howard: Well, their technology isn’t that bad.
Raj: When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free-fall from space at 500 miles per hour, and the only thing that slows you down is a little parachute that pops out right before you crash into the ground. And the whole thing was designed by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Howard: All right, well, whatever. I wasn’t worried.
Raj: You weren’t?
Howard: Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek. I live it.
Raj: Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.
Howard: Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.
Sheldon: Ah, much better.
Leonard: You must be burning up.
Sheldon: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!
Assistant: Uh, where’s he going?
Leonard: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.
Sheldon: Keys! Keys! Keys!
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Hey, you.
Leonard: Before I come in, you should know, I have gas. (Holds up gas canister)
Penny: For the record, not your worst opening line.
Leonard: Check it out. It’s the gas I use in my free-electron laser to support high voltages. But it also has an interesting secondary use. Here. Breathe this in.
Penny: B-Before I do it, if you’re a cop you have tell me, right?
Leonard: Just try it.
Penny: Okay. (In weirdly low voice) What’s it supposed to… Oh, my God, this is so freaky!
Leonard (in low voice): You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch.
Penny: Okay. Me, me, me. Ready? (Low voice) Leonard, I am your father.
Leonard: I have never been more attracted to a woman who sounds like a man in my life.
Penny: Oh, Mm. Hey, you know how we’ve been taking things slow?
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Penny: Well, I’ve been thinking, and maybe I’m ready to take things a little faster.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Leonard: And I promise, after waiting four months, fast is what you’re gonna get.
Penny: You know, just-just one thing. Look, we’re in a really great place right now, and I don’t want to do anything that will make stuff all weird again.
Leonard: So we won’t let it get weird.
Penny: Okay. Oh, and just a heads-up, mm, since the last time you saw me naked, I got a Cookie Monster tattoo. The acceptable responses when you see it are awesome or nothing.
Leonard: What about (inhales gas, in low voice) Cookies!
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?
Amy: Seven o’clock, right on time.
Sheldon: It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.
Amy: Well, dinner’s almost ready.
Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.
Amy: Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?
Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy: I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon: Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.
Amy: I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.
Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon: Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.
Amy: We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?
Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.
Amy: Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat.
Sheldon: Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.
Amy: May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon: You know I don’t drink.
Amy: Not even strawberry Quik?
Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon: Oh yummy, yummy! We should do this more often. Uh-oh.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I’m sorry. I did, I crossed a line. I didn’t mean to!
Penny: Who says something like that right in the middle of sex?
Leonard: I don’t know, it just came out. People say weird things during sex all the time.
Penny: Okay, well, they sure as hell don’t say that.
Leonard: It was the heat of the moment.
Penny: No, the heat of the moment is, ooh, yeah, just like that, not will you marry me?
Leonard: I’m sorry. Just, just give me another chance.
Penny: Why, so you can crawl under the covers and go, hey, baby, want to go look for houses in neighbourhoods with good schools?
Leonard: Again, I’m sorry. You know, with Howard and Bernadette getting married, I got caught up in a little wedding fever. I take it back.
Penny: You can’t take something like that back. I mean, what are we even supposed to do now?
Leonard: Okay, at some point, we’ll look back and this is going to be a funny story. Why don’t we just start doing that now?
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: No. Hey, do you remember that time when I proposed to you in bed? And you were all, like, what are you doing? That was so funny. So funny.
Penny: It’s not funny.
Leonard: Give it a minute. Is that a little smile I see there? I should go.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: Hey, I was thinking. For our first dance at the wedding, what if we learn the final number from Dirty Dancing?
Bernadette: You’re kidding.
Howard: No, come on. How cool would that be? Me running into your arms, you lifting me up into the air.
Bernadette: Oh, you’re in a good mood.
Howard: Yeah, well, why wouldn’t I be? You know, I’m marrying the girl of my dreams, and I finally got my mother to agree not to come on our honeymoon. (Phone rings) Oh, hang on. Oh, it’s NASA. Wolowitz. Oh! Hi, Dave. What’s up? No kidding. Really? Well, that’s great news. Great, great news. All right, I’ll watch my e-mail for the details. Okay, talk soon.
Bernadette: What’s so great?
Howard: It looks like I’m going into space after all.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie, that’s wonderful!
Howard: Uh-huh, wonderful. Yay.
Bernadette: What happened? I thought they cancelled your mission.
Howard: Th-They did. But NASA really wants my telescope up on the space station, so they’re putting me on an earlier launch.
Bernadette: When?
Howard: A week from Friday.
Bernadette: What? We’re getting married that Sunday.
Howard: You’re right. I, I can’t go to space. I have to get married, and no one can say that’s not a good reason. I’ll call him back.
Bernadette: Wait. I don’t want to be the one who stands in your way.
Howard: Well, too bad, you already did. It’s a done deal. Oh, well. But I forgive you.
Bernadette: No. That’s not how I want to start our marriage, killing your dream. We’ll have the wedding when you get back.
Howard: But what about all the plans and the guests?
Bernadette: We’ll call them. Although my dad’s gonna go a little nutso over losing his deposits.
Howard: You’re right, he is! Your dad’s gonna be furious. There’s no way he’s gonna let us postpone this wedding. Well, we tried.
Bernadette: I’ll talk to him. He won’t say no to his little girl.
Howard: No. I, uh, I should talk to him, man to man.
Bernadette: But, Howie, my dad can be a bully. He’s gonna make you cancel your space flight.
Howard: We can only hope… that he doesn’t.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are playing three dimensional chess.
Sheldon: Bishop to queen four, level two. Check.
Leonard: Sheldon, knight takes bishop. You all right?
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Leonard: Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me?
Sheldon: Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?
Leonard: We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there?
Sheldon: No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.
Leonard: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny.
Sheldon: Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.
Leonard: I guess we are. So, what’s going on?
Sheldon: Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.
Leonard: I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you.
Sheldon: It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.
Leonard: Shame on her.
Sheldon: They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.
Leonard: She’s good.
Sheldon: I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.
Leonard: You mean, like in bed or in the shower?
Sheldon: No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?
Leonard: Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer.
Sheldon: I assume we’re talking about you now?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?
Leonard: Pretty much.
Sheldon: Well, no wonder the women are winning.
Scene: Bernadette’s father’s house.
Howard: Mr. Rostenkowski, are you busy?
Mr. Rostenkowski: I’m just looking at some old pictures. Come on in.
Howard: Family pictures, or… holy crap, that’s a dead person.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Last murder case before I retired. How many bodies do you see there? Careful, it’s a trick question.
Howard: I’m not sure.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Nah, you’ll never get it. It’s a fraction.
Howard: How about that. Anyway, sir, I need to talk to you about something.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Walnut?
Howard: No, thank you. I’m allergic.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Oh, sure. My partner used to have that. He’s dead now.
Howard: From nuts?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Nah, his wife shot him. But she was nuts, so in a way.
Howard: Nice story. Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk to you is NASA has moved up my launch to the International Space Station.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Yeah, so?
Howard: So, the date is going to conflict with me marrying your daughter. Now, I know what you’re going to say, I made a commitment to Bernadette and to your family and I’ve got a hell of a lot of nerve coming in here and demanding that we postpone this thing. Well, message heard and understood. Mission cancelled. Thank you.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Where are you going?
Howard: I’m sorry. May I be excused?
Mr. Rostenkowski: No, you may not. Let me tell you something. When I first met you… You just gonna stand there?
Howard: I’m sorry, I didn’t know, is this going to… Well, I should sit… May I be seat… Well, I’ll just sit.
Mr. Rostenkowski: When I first met you, I didn’t like you.
Howard: I’m aware of that, sir.
Mr. Rostenkowski: But then you and I had some time together.
Howard: Uh-huh.
Mr. Rostenkowski: It did not get better.
Howard: Right, right.
Mr. Rostenkowski: That silly Beatle haircut and you riding around on a red Vespa, and you still living at home with your mother. To be honest, I thought Bernadette chose you to punish me. But then I heard about your astronaut thing, and I realized I judged you too fast. Maybe you are the right guy for my little girl.
Howard: Oh, I am. And just so you know, I’d still be an astronaut, even if I didn’t go to space. I’ve got an I.D. Card and a NASA golf shirt.
Mr. Rostenkowski: No, no, you got to go. You can’t turn down an opportunity like this.
Howard: But what about the wedding and all the money you put down for the reception?
Mr. Rostenkowski: You let me worry about that. You go up to that space station, and you make me proud.
Howard: Um, okay.
Mr. Rostenkowski: You got a problem with that?
Howard: All right, look, I’m gonna level with you. I’m terrified about going into space. What if I don’t make it back?
Mr. Rostenkowski: It’s gonna be okay, son.
Howard: You really think so?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Of course. A pretty girl like Bernadette, she’ll find a new guy.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey. Off to work?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Have a nice night.
Penny: Okay, you, too.
Leonard: Penny, just, wait. I’ve been thinking about what I said when we were in bed the other night.
Penny: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it, too.
Leonard: I noticed you never answered me.
Penny: You’re right. (Kisses him) No.
Leonard: Uh, follow-up. Are we still dating?
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: Is it still weird ’cause I proposed?
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: I have a couple more quick questions. Do you want to call me from the car?
Penny: No!
Leonard: I played that pretty well. (Enters apartment. Amy, dressed as a Vulcan starfleet officer, is examining Sheldon.)
Amy: Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Amy: We’re playing doctor. Star Trek style.
Sheldon: I’m in hell, Leonard. Don’t stop.
Teleplay: Bill Prady, Steve Holland & Maria Ferrari
Story: Chuck Lorre, Steven Molaro & Jim Reynolds
Following a “Previously on The Big Bang Theory” section
Scene: A Soyuz Spaceship capsule.
Mission Control (in Russian): Launch step twelve reading okay.
Cosmonaut (in Russian): Launch step twelve acknowledged.
Howard: Hey Mike?
Mike Massimino: Yeah.
Howard: I changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.
Mike: Good one.
Howard: Yeah, I’m a funny guy. I also have a hysterical bit planned for later where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, what channel is NASA TV?
Sheldon: 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.
Amy: I love his eidetic memory, it’s so sexy. Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?
Sheldon: Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flower, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favourite ingredient of all, uniformity.
Amy: The uterus quivers, does it not?
Leonard: There’s Howard’s rocket, live from Kazakhstan.
Bernadette: Oh, God, I’m so nervous. I don’t think I can watch.
Raj: You’re nervous? I’ve been stress-eating for four days. Look at me. I’m wearing my fat pants.
Sheldon: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, 200 metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard’s keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy, has been Tetris and mail-order brides.
Bernadette: Give me those damn Pringles.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Cosmonaut (in Russian): Are all of the systems of the ship ready?
Mission Control: Da.
Mike: Okay, we’re in the final countdown. How you doing over there?
Howard: Good! Good! Oh, quick question, I missed it in the briefing. How much urine do these suits hold?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Mike: Hey, Froot Loops, want to hit your fan switch?
Howard: Check.
Cosmonaut: He calls you Froot Loops because of your very gay haircut?
Howard: No, it’s ’cause I live with my mom and she makes me Froot Loops.
Cosmonaut: Go with gay story, people are more accepting of that.
Mike: Actually, Froot Loops just got married to a girl.
Cosmonaut: Congratulations.
Howard: Thanks, we decided to do it before the launch.
Cosmonaut: You and Mrs. Loops have a big wedding?
Howard: Not exactly. Listen, if you don’t mind, I’m not really up for chatting. I’m just going to sit here quietly and let my life flash before my eyes. That went really quick. Let me try it again.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: Close your eyes. Put out your hand. I got you something special.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard. I’m not falling for that again.
Howard: No, here.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie. A little star, it’s beautiful. Put it on me.
Howard: Okay, but I’m going to have to get it back from you so I can take it to the International Space Station. That way, when I come home, you will have a star that was actually in space.
Bernadette: Oh, my God.
Howard: Take that, every guy who’s ever bought you anything.
Bernadette: This is the most amazing gift I’ve ever gotten.
Howard: Really? Well, if you like it that much, then close your eyes and put out your hand.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): ‘m going to the supermarket to buy snacks for your trip. Do you want me to get those little boxes of Froot Loops you like?
Howard: No! When I eat Froot Loops, the other astronauts make fun of me!
Bernadette: Howard, I don’t want to wait until you’re back to get married.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: I want to be married to you before you get in that rocket.
Howard: But I’m leaving in two days.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What about Apple Jacks?
Howard: I don’t need to take cereal.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What kind of breakfast do you think they’re going to give you in Russia?
Howard: They invented blintzes. I’ll be fine.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): They invented the lightbulb in New Jersey. It doesn’t mean they hand them out to you when you go.
Bernadette: We’ll have a quick little ceremony with just our friends, and we’ll still have the big reception with everyone when you get back.
Howard: Wow. Okay. Let’s get married.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You know what, I’ll buy you All-Bran in case you get stopped up in outer space.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: So anyway, we decided to go down to City Hall this afternoon get married, and then have the reception when Howard gets back.
Leonard: That’s so great. (Others also make encouraging sounds)
Howard: I mean, we know it’s short notice, but we’d love you all to come with us.
Amy: No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted! I want to wear my maid of honour dress and walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me, while a string quartet plays The Way You Look Tonight.
Bernadette: That wasn’t going to be our processional music.
Amy: Well, it was going to be mine.
Sheldon: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, it’ll be fun.
Sheldon: That’s what you said about The Green Lantern movie. You were 114 minutes of wrong.
Bernadette: So, what do you say, Amy?
Amy: Can I wear my maid of honour dress?
Bernadette: Seriously? You’re going to wear that thing to City Hall?
Amy: It’s all I have left. You’re going to take that from me, too?
Scene: City Hall.
Penny: Amy, you look great.
Amy: I know.
Leonard: Where’d you get a beer?
Raj: From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.
Amy: Look at all these people in love. It kind of gets you thinking, doesn’t it?
Sheldon: It does, indeed. Leonard, is it awkward being here with Penny given that you recently proposed to her?
Howard: You proposed to Penny?
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.
Raj: Where did he pop the question? What did you say?
Leonard: She said no, can we drop it now?
Penny: It wasn’t a real proposal.
Bernadette: Why wasn’t it a real proposal?
Sheldon: He asked her during coitus.
Howard: Did you get down on one knee or were you already there?
Bernadette: Howard, don’t talk like that on your wedding day.
Howard: I’m sorry, Ma… Bernadette. Ma… Burna… You’re ma Bernadette.
Penny: Good move telling Sheldon.
Leonard: What, I can’t propose? I can’t talk to my friends? Is there anything else I’m not allowed to do?
Amy: All right, that’s enough. Today is not about you two. Today is about Howard and Bernadette and me.
Registrar: Folks, can I have your attention. It’s five o’clock, we’re going to be able to take three more couples. The rest of you will have to come back on Monday.
Bernadette: Oh, no.
Howard: I got this. Excuse me, but is there any way you could squeeze us in? See, I’m an astronaut and I’m leaving for Russia on Sunday so I can take a Soyuz rocket to the International Space Station.
Registrar: Yeah, me, too. I’ll see you there.
Bernadette: I can’t believe we’re not going to get married.
Amy: Excuse me, I’m going to go see if the couple at the front of the line needs a maid of honour.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Cosmonaut: So, I tell my wife, get a dog, don’t get a dog, I’m not walking it, I’m not feeding it, I’m not picking up after it.
Mike: You know you’re going to wind up walking it.
Cosmonaut: I know.
Howard: Uh, shouldn’t you guys be talking about space stuff instead of dogs?
Mike: Dimitri, Froot Loops would be more comfortable if we talked about space stuff.
Dimitri: Okay, I’m going into space, and when I come back, I have to pick up a poodle crap.
Mike: Is that better?
Howard: Thanks.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory bar.
Howard: You know, we could always drive to Vegas and get married.
Bernadette: No, isn’t that kind of tacky?
Penny: Hey, I know tons of people who got married in Vegas.
Bernadette: Are any of them still married?
Penny: Yeah, I mean, not to the same people but…
Bernadette: There’s got to be some place special we could do it.
Sheldon: Leonard, where did you envision marrying Penny?
Leonard: Will you shut up?
Raj: Well, I know how to make it special.
Howard: I told you we are not recreating the wedding from The Sound of Music.
Raj: Yes, you made that brutally clear to me. What I was going to suggest is if that you’re willing to wait until Sunday morning, the Google satellite will be over Pasadena. You can have a wedding photograph from space.
All: Oh!
Leonard: That’s so cool.
Howard: Oh, wait to go, Raj.
Raj: I keep telling you, if I wasn’t an astrophysicist, I would have been a party planner. It was always a coin flip.
Howard: Okay, so we know we’re going to do it Sunday morning. Now we need to find a good place for the satellite to see us.
Leonard: How about our roof?
Bernadette: Oh, I like that.
Howard: That’s great.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe my maid of honour dress is going to be on Google Earth.
Howard: So, we have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who’s going to do the ceremony.
Penny: Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.
Bernadette: Great, well, who’s it going to be?
Sheldon: I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.
Bernadette: No.
Sheldon: What do you see in her?
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Dimitri (in Russian): Mission Control, say again, how fast is it leaking?
Howard: Leaking? What’s leaking?
Dimitri: Fuel. Shh.
Mission Control (in Russian): Not bad. We feel okay to go.
Dimitri (in Russian): Okay, thanks Mission Control.
Howard: There’s fuel leaking and we’re still going to go?
Mike: Don’t lose your Froot Loops, Froot Loops.
Dimitri: This happens a lot. Nine times out of ten, no problem.
Howard: What happens on the tenth time?
Dimitri: Problem.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hey, guys, before I forget, I got you a little groomsman present.
Raj: Oh, thanks, man.
Sheldon: You didn’t have to do that.
Howard: Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.
Leonard: Oh, wow.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.
Leonard: I doubt he’ll ask you to kill a man.
Sheldon: Well, what if it’s his only way out? I can’t risk it. Here is twelve dollars. Now, we’re even. Wait, wait, wait, I bought a card. Give me two dollars. And for the record, this is why I hate gift-giving.
Scene: Penny’s door. Howard knocks.
Amy: Who is it?
Howard: It’s the groom.
Amy: Can’t come in. Bad luck to see the bride.
Howard: Okay, uh, fine. Bernie, I have to go pick up my mother. I’ll be right back.
Bernadette (off): Why can’t she drive herself?
Howard: She doesn’t want to sit in her dress and wrinkle it so I’m going to lay her down in the back of my neighbour’s van.
Bernadette (off): All right, just hurry!
Howard: Okay, I’ll see you later, Ma… uh… lovely bride-to-be. I really got to watch that.
Scene: The roof.
Leonard: Come on, Raj, we’re ready to start.
Raj: What, we’re ready when I say we’re ready. Uh-du-du-du, ooh, okay, now we’re ready.
Howard: Ma, you want to move your chair over here so you can see?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m fine where I am. I don’t want to fall off the roof.
Howard: You’ll fall through the roof before you fall off it.
Raj: Penny. (She starts music playing)
Mr Rostenkowski: Your new mother-in-law’s a piece of work.
Bernadette: Not now, Dad.
Mr Rostenkowski: She’s got a bigger mustache than me. Here you go.
Bernadette: Here you go? What am I, a football?
Mr Rostenkowski: Like that guy could catch a football.
Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Louder!
Bernadette: They all got ordained, they’re all marrying us, it’s adorable, if you want to hear come closer.
Raj: Guys, when I look at the two of you starting your lives together, it fills my heart, It fills my, heart, okay, I’m going to need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I’ll, I’ll go. Howard and Bernadette, I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you’re in love, it doesn’t matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: Hey, I didn’t say it.
Amy: All right, that’s enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Amy: Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon.
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it in English, but it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows?
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you, this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Speak up!
Howard: Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.
All: By the power vested in us, by the state of California…
Sheldon: And the Klingon High Council…
All: We now pronounce you husband and wife.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Mike: That’s ignition. I love this part.
Dimitri: Me, too.
Howard: I have strongly mixed feelings.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, it’s happening.
Penny: Did I miss it?
Leonard: No, come on in. Hurry.
Bernadette: I love that man.
Raj: Me, too.
Penny: I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.
Leonard: This is it.
Sheldon: Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
(Russian countdown ends, rocket takes off)
Howard (voice off): Oy vay!
Teleplay: Chuck Lorre, Steven Molaro & Jim Reynolds
Story: Bill Prady, Eric Kaplan & Steve Holland
Following a “Previously on The Big Bang Theory” section
Scene: The Comic Book Store.
Stuart: So, Howard’s really in space, huh?
Leonard: Mm-hmm, International Space Station. 250 miles that way.
Raj: Right now, Howard’s staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.
Sheldon: I must admit, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It’s like a cat in an airport carrying case.
Leonard: You know, it’s not exactly glamorous up there. The water that the astronauts drink is made from each other’s recycled urine.
Stuart: Must be nice. Nobody wants anything that comes out of me.
Raj: I wonder what he’s doing right this very second.
Leonard: Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.
Raj: Peering through his telescope at the birth of the cosmos.
Sheldon: Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.
Scene: The International Space Station.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Can you hear me?
Howard: I can hear you without the phone,
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t be snippy. I’m just excited to talk to my baby.
Howard: I’m excited to talk to you, too.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): So, what’s this mishegas about you moving out to go live with the little Polish girl?
Howard: How about calling her my wife?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Wives don’t take boys from their mothers.
Howard: They do. That’s why we marry them.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I just hope I’m not dead from a broken heart before you get back.
Howard: Ma, please. Everyone from NASA is listening to this phone call.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Good. They should know what a horrible son you are.
Howard: Okay, Ma, great talking to you. Gotta go. Well, space is ruined.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is bleaching Amy’s upper lip.
Amy: This is so exciting. Soon, my upper lip will be the same fake blonde as my beautiful best friend.
Penny: Hey, this is my natural hair colour. Now. So, does Sheldon have anything special planned for you tomorrow night?
Amy: Oh, yes. According to the Relationship Agreement, on the anniversary of our first date, he must take me to a nice dinner, ask about my day and engage in casual physical contact that a disinterested onlooker might mistake for intimacy.
Penny: That’s hot. You kids better use protection.
Amy: How long does this stay on?
Penny: Just a couple of minutes. You’ve really never done this before?
Amy: Once in high school, but I dozed off and woke up with second-degree chemical burns on my face.
Penny: Oh, my gosh, that’s awful. The other kids make fun of you?
Amy: No, I had a cover story, I told everyone it was herpes. So, how’s everything going with you and Leonard?
Penny: Uh, I don’t know, it’s still kind of weird. We haven’t really recovered since he proposed to me in the middle of sex.
Amy: Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?
Leonard: Interesting question. On the one hand, I always thought…
Sheldon: You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.
Leonard: I know what the anthropic principle is.
Sheldon: Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?
Leonard: Where do you stand on it?
Sheldon: Strongly pro.
Leonard: Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?
Raj: I’m all for it.
Sheldon: Attaboy!
Leonard: Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don’t?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we?
Raj: Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don’t need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round.
Leonard: Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny.
Raj: Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies?
Sheldon: As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.
Raj: Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool.
Sheldon: Darn. If you weren’t busy, I’d ask you to join us.
Raj: Really? I can come? Thanks.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can’t outsource that to an Indian.
Scene: The International Space Station
Bernadette (on webcam): Howie? Howie?
Howard: Hey, there’s my beautiful bride. Can you see me?
Bernadette: I can. How are you?
Howard: I’m amazing. I mean, this is even better than I dreamed. I look out the window, and it’s all so unbelievable.
Bernadette: Good for you. I just had a seemingly endless dinner with your mom.
Howard: Oh, yeah? That’s nice.
Bernadette: It was. Until I found out you never told her we’re not gonna live with her. Let’s talk about that for a minute.
Howard: Hey, look, this pen is floating. How crazy is that?
Bernadette: You said you told her, but you never did!
Howard: Okay, okay, I know you’re upset, but let me share something I’ve learned since I got here. You realize how small your problems are when you’re looking down on them from space. Now, come on, that’s got to make you feel better.
Bernadette: How clear is the image of me on that screen?
Howard: Pretty clear.
Bernadette: Do I look like I feel better?
Howard: I mean, it’s not, like, HD quality.
Bernadette: Listen, mister, you’re gonna talk to your mother and you’re gonna fix this, or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself.
Dimitri: Like he’s been doing since he got here.
Scene: A restaurant.
Amy: Sheldon, this place is so romantic.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m glad you like it. Raj picked it out.
Amy: Well, when you see him, tell him I say thank you.
Sheldon: Tell him yourself.
Raj: Yoo-hoo! Over here!
Amy: I don’t understand. What’s he doing here?
Sheldon: I invited him.
Amy: On our date? Sheldon, that’s not okay.
Sheldon: Yes, it is. There’s a loophole in the Relationship Agreement.
Amy: You found a loophole?
Raj: Sorry I started without you. I’m a little nervous. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date.
Amy: I can’t believe I bleached my moustache for this.
Raj: You should go to my girl. She’ll knock out those sideburns for free.
Later.
Raj: You know, Amy, I don’t even think you and I have had a real conversation. Let’s use tonight to get to know each other a little better. You start.
Amy: Go home.
Raj: I don’t understand.
Amy: Sheldon, how could you do this? It’s our second anniversary.
Raj: It’s your anniversary? Oh, my God, I had no idea. Amy, please, let me make this right.
Amy: Thank you.
Raj: My pleasure. Waiter? A bottle of champagne and three glasses. Oh, boy, isn’t this romantic?
Sheldon: Oh, I hope that’s a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: This is great. What’s the occasion?
Leonard: No occasion. You know, things have been a little weird between us, so I wanted to throw together a fun night just for you.
Penny: That is so sweet.
Leonard: I got all your favourites. Beer, wings, sliders. We can watch the football game. I even painted my stomach.
Penny: Go Sports?
Leonard: Well, in case you were in the mood for baseball, I didn’t want to look ridiculous.
Penny: This is awesome. I love it!
Leonard: Good, I’m glad.
Penny: Gosh, I worked my ass off today. This is exactly what I needed.
Leonard: Great. Just relax and enjoy. Tonight is all about you.
Penny: Ah, thank you!
Leonard: So, where exactly are we in this relationship?
Penny: Oh, come on. I just told you I had a hard day.
Leonard: You’re right, I’m sorry. Let’s watch the game.
Penny: Great.
Leonard: I just know the longer we wait to talk about it, the weirder it gets.
Penny: Sweetie, can I just be the girl tonight?
Leonard: Absolutely. You’re the girl, I’m the guy. Now, you watch your football game while I make you a little plate here.
Penny: Thank you. (Knock on door)
Leonard: Oh, I’ll get it. Go sports.
Raj: Hello-lo-lo.
Leonard: What are you doing here? I thought you were out with Sheldon and Amy.
Raj: I was, but it’s their anniversary and I didn’t want to be a third wheel, so I figured I’d come over here and hang out with you and Penny on your date.
Leonard: Well, it’s not really a great time. Penny and I have some things we need to talk about.
Penny: No, we don’t! Come on in!
Raj: Sweet!
Leonard: I can’t believe I shaved my stomach for this.
Scene: The International Space Station
Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops. You got a phone call.
Howard: Who is it?
Dimitri: A woman who says she’s your mother but sounds like your father.
Howard: Hey, Ma. You know, we could see each other if you turn on the computer.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m not going near that fakakta thing. I’ll catch a computer virus.
Howard: You can’t catch a computer virus.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, so now you’re an astronaut and a doctor?
Howard: What do you want, Ma?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Your wife says you have something important to tell me.
Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette and I are starting a life together and…
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, God! You are gonna leave me.
Howard: Ma…
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s okay. Your father left me, you left me, I guess I’m just the kind of person people like to leave.
Howard: It’s not definite. I’ll talk to Bernadette.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t bother. I’ll just go sit in a hole in the ground so I’m no trouble when I die.
Howard: Stop it, Ma. I’m sure I can get Bernie to come around.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I knew it. I knew she was behind this. You listen to me, if you want to be a man you can’t let a woman tell you what to do.
Howard: Okay, okay.
Dimitri: Oy. I can’t believe these people won the Cold War.
Howard: Now, can we please change the subject?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Fine. Explain why you’ve been gone so long and I haven’t gotten a single letter. Not even a lousy postcard.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know, I’m growing to like American football.
Penny: Yeah, it’s fun, isn’t it?
Raj: Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
Penny: All right, who’s ready for another beer?
Leonard: I’m good.
Raj: No, thank you.
Penny: Girls.
Raj: Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Leonard: That’s great. Get out.
Raj: What? Why?
Leonard: Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Raj: Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Penny: Okay, hold on…
Raj: Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveller from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Leonard: Some people might say it was romantic.
Raj: Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: That’s enough.
Raj: I’m just saying that after everything you’ve been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful.
Leonard: Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Raj: Oh, Penny. That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Penny: Raj.
Raj: Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
Scene: The hallway. Raj is ejected from the apartment.
Raj: I really thought she would say it.
Scene: The restaurant.
Amy: Have I ever told you you’re like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.
Amy: You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.
Sheldon: Your point being?
Amy: Dessert is served.
Sheldon: I just had cobbler.
Amy: You know what? I’m done with this.
Sheldon: W-Where are you going?
Amy: I’m leaving.
Sheldon: You can’t leave. I need you.
Amy: You do?
Sheldon: Yes. You’re my ride.
Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon: I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy: I’ll take it.
Sheldon: Good. Now, I assume we’re splitting the cheque?
Scene: The Comic Book Store.
Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey. I was actually just about to close up.
Raj: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll leave.
Stuart: No, no. It’s okay. Hang out.
Raj: You sure?
Stuart: Yeah, you’re my first customer today.
Raj: All right. Great.
Stuart: I’m, uh, having a nightcap. You want to join me?
Raj: What are you drinking?
Stuart: Coffee liqueur in a Chewbacca mug. I call it a sad-tini.
Raj: Perfect for the night I’m having. Thank you.
Stuart: Hmm. Nice not to drink alone.
Raj: Amen to that. Sometimes I pour a little chardonnay into my dog’s water bowl.
Stuart: You’re kidding.
Raj: She’s kind of a mean drunk, but what are you gonna do?
Stuart: Cheers.
Raj: Cheers.
Stuart: A little music?
Raj: Sure. Mmm. Bossa nova. You listen to that with your hips as well as your ears.
Stuart: Mmm.
Raj: Oh. Something about latin music just makes me feel like I’m on a white sand beach in Rio.
Stuart: Yeah. The sun, the waves, the beautiful bodies, tanned and glistening with sweat.
Raj: I should go.
Stuart: Yeah.
Raj: Uh, thank you for the drink.
Stuart: No problem.
Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Raj: Do you want to hang out tomorrow night, maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a late movie?
Stuart: Yeah, I-I’d like to, but I’m a little tight on funds.
Raj: No problem. My treat. I’ll swing by after work.
Stuart: Okay.
Raj: Okay.
Stuart: I could do worse.
Scene: The International Space Station
Bernadette: Aw, that’s such good news, Howie. Thank you for telling her.
Howard: Hey, I’m a grown man. I’m gonna live with my wife. My mother’s just gonna have to learn to make do on her own.
Bernadette: Was she upset?
Howard: Who can tell? She yells everything. She might have been upset. She might have been hungry.
Bernadette: Thanks for fixing it. I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. Sweet dreams. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?
Bernadette: Good night, Rocket Man.
Howard: To infinity and beyond, baby.
Dimitri: Loops. You realize you just lied your ass off to your wife and your mother.
Howard: I know.
Dimitri: What are you gonna do when you get back to Earth?
Howard: Oh, I’m never going back.
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: And the next wedding gift is a gravy boat.
Penny: Ooh, one gravy boat.
Amy: That’s from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved.
Bernadette: In the event of a divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: One inappropriate, yet I wish I thought of that gravy boat.
Amy: When I get married I’m going to register at the UCLA Cadaver Lab.
Penny: Ew, why?
Amy: ‘Cause I’ve always wanted a whole human skeleton and they are really spendy.
Bernadette: So, you actually see you and Sheldon getting married someday?
Amy: Not just someday. In exactly four years. But don’t tell Sheldon. He’s still a flight risk.
Bernadette: What about you, Penny?
Penny: What about me what?
Bernadette: Do you think you and Leonard might ever get married?
Penny: Oh, well, you know, Leonard is great.
Bernadette: But do you think you’ll ever get married?
Penny: He’s a sweetie.
Amy: You’re not answering the question. Do you love him?
Penny: Yeah, sure, of course I love him.
Bernadette: It doesn’t sound like it.
Penny: Well, I do.
Bernadette: Do you tell him that?
Penny: No, he’d just take it the wrong way.
Amy: What does that mean?
Penny: It means he is special and smart and nice and…
Bernadette: Are you gonna break up with him?
Penny: No. Maybe. I don’t know.
Bernadette: I had no idea you were unhappy.
Penny: That’s the thing, I’m not. I’m not unhappy at all. It’s just, I don’t know, I, I’ve been in love before, but it felt different. But maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
Bernadette: Oh, that’s not really a fair comparison. I’m basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.
Penny: Amy, you?
Amy: Can’t help ya, kid. Whenever I’m around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on fire. In the good way. Not the urinary tract infection way.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the apartment (the guys are on webcam).
Raj (voice off): Hey, buddy, how’s it going up there?
Howard: You don’t have to shout, Raj. It’s not like I’m an astronaut floating around in outer space. Oh, wait, I am.
Leonard: So, is it everything you hoped it would be?
Howard: It’s better. I wake up every morning and I just can’t believe I’m on this incredible adventure.
Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops, did you clean the space toilet?
Howard: Excuse me. I’m talking to my friends.
Mike: You know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet.
Dimitri: If you do good job, next time we give you brush.
Howard: Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings.
Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.
Leonard: Go ahead.
Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)
Howard: Yes, I read you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static noise)
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.
Howard: You’re out of your mind,Sheldon.
Sheldon: That’s a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise)
Mike: Come on, scrub it up, Loops.
Howard: All right, all right. I gotta go. There’s a meteor shower.
Mike: You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.
Howard: Bye.
Sheldon: Over and out. (Static noise)
Raj: Bye, buddy!
Stuart (knocking and entering): Hello.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, come on in.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Stuart: Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are not in charge.
Sheldon: That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.
Raj: What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself.
Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.
Leonard: It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?
Stuart: I can take them or leave them.
Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.
Stuart: Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets?
Sheldon: Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.
Stuart: Okay. Should we go?
Sheldon: Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.
Stuart: All right.
Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?
Stuart: I went to art school.
Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let’s go.
Scene: The cinema.
Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
Amy: Well, I like it.
Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
Amy: Just watch the movie.
Sheldon: It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.
Amy: There might be a reason for that.
Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Amy: Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
Amy: It’s complicated.
Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
Amy: She’s not sure how she feels.
Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Amy: Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Sheldon: Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Amy: Yes, please, Penny will kill me.
Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Stuart: Raisinet?
Sheldon: Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a sucking noise with his teeth.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to.
Leonard: Maybe your tongue is shrinking.
Sheldon (measures): Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.
Leonard: I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow.
Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: I can’t tell you.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.
Leonard: I wish there were more.
Sheldon: Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?
Leonard: Where exactly did your mother have you tested?
Sheldon: Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.
Leonard: Okay, I think I understand.
Sheldon: You do?
Leonard: The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.
Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Scene: Leonard’s room.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Are you sleeping?
Leonard: I was. Now I’m having a nightmare. What do you want?
Sheldon: Never mind. I still can’t tell you.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over Penny’s bed, knocking on the wall.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)
Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon?
Sheldon: You frightened me.
Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.
Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Sheldon: Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?
Penny: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.
Penny: Talk about what?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Penny: Okay, go home, crazy man.
Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
Penny: Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Penny: Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
Penny: Of course not.
Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Penny: Worst bedtime story ever.
Sheldon: My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
Penny: Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
Penny: Get out.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Please don’t hurt my friend.
Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon: Thank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?
Penny: Get out.
Scene: Amy’s bedroom. Phone rings.
Amy: Hello?
Penny: What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps)
Amy: Hang on, please. Hello?
Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.
Amy: I know. She’s yelling at me right now.
Sheldon: All right then, so we’re all on the same page. Yes.
Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Hey, Bernie.
Bernadette: There’s my hubby. How’s everything going up there?
Howard: Oh, it’s okay. Space is beautiful. Earth is beautiful. Same old, same old.
Bernadette: What’s wrong?
Howard: Nothing. Everything’s fine.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: The other astronauts are being mean to me.
Bernadette: No, what are they doing?
Howard: Well, like for instance, the other day when I was asleep, one of the guys went on a space walk and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask to the outside of my window. When I woke up, I screamed for like nine minutes.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: You can see it if you want. It’s on YouTube. Google astronaut screams for nine minutes.
Bernadette: Why don’t you stand up to them?
Howard: What am I supposed to say?
Bernadette: I don’t know. Say, being mean is lame, what’s cool is being nice.
Howard: Great, I’ll do that when I want to be the first guy in space to get a wedgie.
Bernadette: Do you want me to call somebody at NASA?
Howard: No. My mom already tried that. It only made things worse.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a card game.
Leonard: Gelatinous Sphere.
Raj: Focused Locust.
Stuart: Temple of Yip.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.
Stuart: All right, Lesser Demon Turtle.
Sheldon: Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.
Raj: So, what are you guys doing later? Stuart and I were thinking of going out for a drink.
Stuart: We’re gonna try to meet some girls.
Raj: ‘Cause that’s what we do.
Stuart: Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.
Raj: In case you didn’t follow that, I’m the coffee.
Sheldon: Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.
Leonard: Why would I be interested? I have Penny.
Sheldon: Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up.
Leonard: You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.
Stuart: No, please don’t ruin this for me.
Sheldon: Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?
Leonard: Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice.
Sheldon: But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.
Leonard: What’s your point?
Sheldon: Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?
Stuart: I like Mark Ruffalo, too.
Sheldon: Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: So, I had to take Sheldon to the dentist this morning.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yup. I told him if he didn’t bite the hygienist, I’d take him for ice cream.
Penny: Mmm.
Leonard: I didn’t have to take him for ice cream.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You okay? You seem a little distracted.
Penny: Look, there’s something I need to tell you.
Leonard: Oh. Yeah, okay.
Penny: I don’t really know how to say this.
Leonard: Just say it.
Penny: Okay. Here goes.
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Amy: You slept with him?
Penny: I didn’t know what else to do. He had those big, sad eyes.
Bernadette: Oh, sure, you had no choice.
Penny: He looked at me like this.
Amy: Well, if that’s all it takes, it’s a good thing you don’t have a dog.
Bernadette: Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of chances to break up with him. Your wedding day, your honeymoon, your 50th anniversary.
Penny: Look, it’s fine. We’re not getting married, okay? We’re keeping things, you know, homeostasis.
Amy: It’s so cute when she tries.
Penny (phone text tone): It’s from Leonard. Last night was amazing. You’re amazing. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. (They give him a hangdog look) Okay, stop it.
Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Hey, Bernie, guess what? I stood up to the other astronauts like you said and I got to tell you, last night was the first time in a week I got a good night’s sleep. (On screen, Howard has a mouse face drawn on his face, and the words F.LOOPS on his forehead.)
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: What’s wrong? You look upset.
Bernadette: Nope, this is my proud face.
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Howard: Hey, Bernie.
Bernadette: Hey, how’s my little astronautie hottie?
Howard: Okay, I guess. It’s just, being cooped up in this tin can for weeks on end is starting to get to me.
Bernadette: Well, hang in there. You just have a couple more days to go, and then you’ll be home.
Howard: I know.
Bernadette: I got to get back to work. I love you.
Howard: Love you too. Hey, Bernie? Before you go, can you do something for me?
Bernadette: What do you want me to do?
Howard: Okay, here it is. I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?
Bernadette: Really, you’re serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil)
Howard: Oh, baby, you’re killing me.
Scene: The apartment. Penny enters, carrying a box.
Penny: Ugh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It’s from your mom.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.
Penny: M-hmm.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles.
Penny: Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?
Leonard: Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.
Sheldon: Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.
Penny: Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary?
Sheldon: No, that’s my potty training journal.
Penny: Really, your potty training journal?
Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.
Penny: August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?
Sheldon: There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, colour and consistency.
Penny: Oh, disgusting.
Leonard: No, what’s disgusting is he’s still keeping track.
Penny: Why do you need all this stuff?
Leonard: No, no, no, no.
Penny: Sorry!
Sheldon: I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?
Penny: Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson.
Sheldon: Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.
Penny: Yeah, that’s basically what I said.
Sheldon: Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.
Leonard: I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.
Penny: You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here?
Sheldon: Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.
Leonard: So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?
Sheldon: That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.
Leonard: Not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking.
Leonard: If you want help, just hire a grad student.
Penny: Maybe I could do it.
Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.
Penny: A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I?
Sheldon: You said it, not me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?
Ms Jenson: No, thanks. I’m fine.
Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.
Ms Jenson: I don’t do drugs.
Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.
Ms Jenson: No, of course not. How did you know about that?
Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book) I trust you paid off those parking tickets.
Ms Jenson: Yes, I did.
Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.
Ms Jenson: Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance.
Sheldon: Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.
Ms Jenson: It’s not flattery if it’s the truth.
Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Welcome aboard.
Scene: A University corridor.
Leonard: You talk to Howard lately?
Raj: Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable. (Entering Sheldon’s office) Hey, Sheldon, hope you’re hungry, they’re serving macaroni and… (spots Ms Jenson) che-ee-ee-ese.
Leonard: Smooth. Hi.
Ms Jenson: Hello.
Leonard: Sheldon, aren’t you going to introduce us?
Sheldon: No. I have people for that now. You’re up.
Ms Jenson: I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s new assistant.
Leonard: Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.
Alex: It’s nice to meet you. I’m so excited to be working with Dr…
Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson. FYI, there will be no breaks.
Alex: I should probably get to work.
Leonard: She seems nice.
Raj: Hey, you already got a girlfriend. I call dibs.
Leonard: All I said was she seems nice.
Raj: Yeah, well, I love her.
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Bernadette: Hey, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. Everything okay?
Howard: Uh, no, not really.
Bernadette: What’s wrong?
Howard: Well, remember the Soyuz capsule they were sending to bring us home?
Bernadette: Uh-huh.
Howard: It’s delayed. We’re gonna be here at least another week. Maybe ten days. It’s the Russians, so you don’t know. They left dogs up here in the sixties.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard. No one’s leaving you up there.
Howard: I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I can’t sleep, and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux. I’m down to my last three Tums.
Bernadette: You’re going to be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom. And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.
Howard: Okay, okay. What am I doing? I’m using up all the oxygen. If I die, promise you’ll never have sex with another man.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Amy is applying very red lip gloss.
Amy: Oh, yeah. I’m a man-eater now.
Penny: Okay, for the final touch, this is an eyelash curler. You just place it on your lashes and squeeze it closed.
Amy: Oh, I don’t know. Looks like something used by Tinkerbell’s gynecologist.
Penny: Who I hope for her sake is not Captain Hook, so… who are you calling?
Amy: I’m going to video-chat Sheldon. If my new look leads to phone sex, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room.
Alex: Dr. Cooper’s office.
Amy: Oh, hello. Who are you?
Alex: I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s assistant. Can I help you?
Amy: I’d like to speak to Sheldon.
Alex: I’m sorry. He’s asked me to hold all calls unless you’re Stephen Hawking, his mother or himself from the future.
Amy: All right. Well, tell him Amy called.
Alex: Last name?
Amy: He knows my last name. I’m his girlfriend. We have a contract and everything. I’ll send you a PDF.
Alex: All right, I will tell him you called.
Amy: Hmm, that’s weird.
Penny: What?
Amy: Sheldon told me he had a new assistant named Alex. He didn’t mention that Alex was a girl.
Penny: Maybe he didn’t notice.
Amy: You’re right. I don’t have to worry about Sheldon.
Penny: No, you do not.
Amy: It’s her I have to worry about.
Penny: Oh, Amy, really? She is not going to come on to Sheldon.
Amy: Oh, really? Look at this face (Sheldon’s picture on phone) How can any woman spend eight hours a day alone with this face and not fall in love with it?
Penny: Well, for starters, at some point, that face starts talking.
Scene: University corridor.
Penny: Amy, this is crazy. You have nothing to be suspicious about.
Amy: I’m not suspicious. I just want to stop in, say hi to my boyfriend and meet his new assistant. (Throwing open Sheldon’s office door) Aha!
Penny: Can we go now?
Amy: Hang on. (Rubs Sheldon’s telephone receiver under her armpit)
Penny: What are you doing?
Amy: Isn’t it obvious? I’m spreading my scent to mark my territory.
Penny: Come on, Amy. That is not gonna work.
Amy: Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Sheldon: Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
Raj: I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Alex: Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: This should be fun.
Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Alex: Yes.
Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
Alex: Rainbow, not chocolate.
Sheldon: Two cherries?
Alex: One on top, one on the bottom.
Sheldon: Stems removed?
Alex: Um, top one, yes. I didn’t check the one on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh!
Alex: I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.
Leonard: Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?
Alex: Um…
Sheldon: Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?
Leonard: Given her what?
Sheldon: If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It’s a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you’re cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that’s just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.
Leonard: Oh, sure. Please join us.
Alex: Oh, okay. Thank you.
Leonard: So, Alex, what’s the topic of your dissertation?
Alex: I’m looking for Trojan asteroids at Earth’s L-Five Lagrange point.
Leonard: Oh, that happens to be Dr. Koothrappali’s field of expertise. You two have a lot to talk about.
Alex: Is that true? Is he all right?
Leonard: No. But compared to your boss, he’s the poster boy for sanity.
Alex: It’s okay, I’ve been around scientists all my life. My dad’s an astronomer at SETI.
Leonard: Oh, SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. You should introduce him to Sheldon. The search is over.
Alex: So, what kind of research are you doing?
Leonard: High-energy lasers.
Alex: Ooh. Military?
Leonard: Not yet, but I can remove unwanted hair from two miles away.
Amy (to Penny, on other side of room): You were right. I had nothing to worry about. That skank’s your problem, not mine.
Alex: You’re very funny, Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon (choking): Cherry stem! Cherry stem!
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Bernadette: How you doing, Howie? You feeling a little better?
Howard: Oh, a lot better, thanks. One sec. Listen close, I don’t have a lot of time. I need you to go to my house. In my bedroom, you’ll find a model rocket. I want you to take it and bring it back to your place.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: Step two, build a version roughly fourteen stories high. Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me. I’ll leave the door unlocked.
Bernadette: Howie, honey, maybe you should talk to someone, let them know you’re having a little anxiety.
Howard: No, no, I’m fine. No anxiety. We should probably talk in code. From now on, frog is me, sandwich means you and lemon means rocket. So, come on, sandwich, build me a lemon ’cause froggy wants to come home.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Amy: Look at you, putting on a brave face.
Penny: There’s nothing to be brave about. Everything’s fine.
Amy: Really? I don’t know how much you know about primate behaviour, but Sheldon’s assistant was clearly courting Leonard. Were she a mandrill, she would have bent over and displayed her brightly coloured hindquarters like a big red welcome mat. By the way, you try that at the junior prom, you get kicked out.
Penny: Okay, maybe she was flirting with him, but who cares? Look, I don’t even know where my relationship is with Leonard is right now.
Amy: So says your prefrontal cortex. But meanwhile, the limbic system of your brain is calculating that if another woman is attracted to Leonard, it must be because he’s desirable.
Penny: Well, of course he’s desirable. I mean, he’s great. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and, ooh, in the bedroom, whew, let me tell you, he really tries.
Amy: So it does bother you.
Penny: Fine, it bothers me a little. No. You know what? This is stupid. It doesn’t bother me. Okay, it bothers me. But only because she wouldn’t stop laughing. Leonard is not that funny.
Amy: And there you have it, prefrontal cortex reasoning versus limbic lust. If this were a boxing match, they might call it the thrilla adjacent to the amygdala. If you were a brain scientist, you would be busting a gut right now.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, how was work today?
Leonard: Ah, it was all right, I guess. Got to Heimlich a cherry stem out of Sheldon. Caught Raj right in the eye.
Penny: Oh! You’re kidding.
Leonard: No, Raj had to go to the nurse.
Penny: Wow. Anything else?
Leonard: Mmm, the nurse is a woman, so he couldn’t talk to her. She had to bring him a Grover puppet so he could point at what hurt.
Penny: Oh, is that it?
Leonard: Isn’t that enough? It had the weaponised fruit and a puppet. What more do you want?
Sheldon (arriving with Alex): Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
Leonard: What do you got?
Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Leonard: Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
Sheldon: The original title was “A Rederivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”” I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Alex: Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Penny: Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex: Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
Penny: In a way. We’ve kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Alex: Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Penny: Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
Leonard: Where are we going?
Penny: My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Alex: She seems nice.
Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We’re working.
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Bernadette: Hey, Howie, how you feeling?
Howard: Better. Much better. The other astronauts held me down, gave me a shot. Oooh. Attention, people of Earth. Tonight, there will be two moons in the sky.
Bernadette: Howie, stop that. NASA’s watching this! Put your pants back on!
Howard: Whee! Whee!
Scene: The Apartment.
Raj: Howard’s capsule should be re-entering the atmosphere any minute.
Leonard: It’ll be good to have him back.
Raj: The Fantastic Four reunited.
Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.
Raj: We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends.
Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.
Leonard: I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.
Stuart: I can go thirty.
Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.
Raj: Okay, the NASA Web site says Howard’s final descent has begun.
Sheldon: He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.
Scene: The Soyuz Capsule. Howard is screaming.
Dimitri: Loops, calm down!
Howard (singing): Baruch atah, Adonai, Eloheinu. Melech haolam, hamotzi. Lechem min haaretz
Mike: What’s that?
Howard: The Jewish prayer for eating bread! We don’t have one for falling out of space! We did it! We’re on the ground! We survived!
Mike: That was just the parachute. We still have another six miles to go. (Howard screams again)
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Airport Arrivals Hall.
Bernadette: Waiting for my husband.
Man in Suit: That’s nice.
Bernadette: He’s coming back from outer space.
Man in Suit: I think this flight’s coming from Houston.
Bernadette: No, I mean, he… Never mind. There he is! Howie!
Various others (all at once): Howie! Howie!
Howard: Whoa, thank you. Great to be back on Earth.
Howie Mandel: Uh, I think they’re here for me, Ringo.
Man in Suit: Mr. Mandel, I’m your driver.
Howie Mandel: Oh, thanks. That nut job was telling everybody on the plane he’s an astronaut.
Bernadette: I missed you so much.
Howard: I missed you, too. Where are the guys?
Bernadette: Oh, it’s just me.
Howard: Oh, I get it. They’re waiting back home with a big surprise party. Don’t worry, I can act surprised. (Does)
Bernadette: No, I told them they could have you tomorrow night. Tonight, you belong to me. (Sneezes)
Howard: Gesundheit. You okay?
Bernadette: I am now that you’re back. Come on, let’s go home so I can tear off those little pants.
Howard: Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.
Amy: Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.
Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.
Penny: You’re unbelievable.
Sheldon: I know.
Leonard: All right, Pictionary. What are the teams?
Penny: How about boys versus girls?
Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.
Penny: Once again, unbelievable.
Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know.
Penny: All right, round one. Here.
Sheldon: Got it.
Penny: Okay. Ready, set, go.
Amy: Uh, box? Uh, window?
Leonard: Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman.
Amy: Uh, gift? Uh, Present!
Penny: Present! Yeah!
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?
Leonard: In what universe is that a present?
Sheldon: It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.
Penny: Oh, my God, we’re gonna kill them.
Later
Sheldon: It’s a quark-gluon plasma.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.
Leonard: Nothing with quarks.
Sheldon: It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe.
Leonard: No.
Penny: It’s a chocolate chip cookie.
Amy: Yes.
Leonard: How could you miss that?
Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.
Leonard: Penny got it.
Sheldon: Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome.
Later
Leonard: Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog.
Amy: Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?
Penny: Relax, we got time, this is so fun.
Sheldon: There.
Leonard: A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don’t…
Amy: Now?
Penny: Soon.
Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, I am spoon-feeding this to you.
Leonard: I don’t know, uh, Casper the alcoholic ghost?
Penny: All right, that’s enough. (Draws)
Amy: Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish?
Penny: Yep!
Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.
Penny: Excuse me, the word is polish. See? Small P.
Sheldon: Ah. So it is. I guess we both share blame on this one.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s Bedroom.
Howard: Bernie, you okay?
Bernadette (off): Yeah, I’ll be right there. (Hacking and coughing noises)
Howard: Did you get a sea lion while I was gone?
Bernadette: It’s just allergies.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: Took some Benadryl. I’ll be fine. So, did you miss me?
Howard: Oh. Are you kidding? Every minute of every…
Bernadette (has a coughing fit): Ew. Excuse me.
Howard: Sweetie, we don’t have to do this now.
Bernadette: Yes, we do. You left right after we got married. This is like our honeymoon. Now, hold on to your hat. Oh. Uh-oh.
Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: A little dizzy. Must be the Benadryl. Switch places with me.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: Now, kiss me. (He does. She starts snoring)
Howard: Bernadette? Bernie? Bernie?
Bernadette (waking suddenly): That was amazing. You made me feel things I never… (starts snoring again)
Howard: Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from?
Sheldon: Don’t know.
Penny: I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers.
Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.
Leonard: Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game.
Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.
Penny: All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything.
Sheldon: All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.
Penny: Oh, come on, what is that?
Sheldon: It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?
Leonard: En el acelerador de particulares.
Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo.
Penny: No, no, we’re not playing some dumb made-up game.
Sheldon: All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
Leonard: Just pick another game.
Amy: Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?
Leonard: No good, Sheldon doesn’t float.
Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.
Amy: All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts?
Sheldon: No, that’s not fair either.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s when it started.
Sheldon: Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out.
Penny: Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…
Amy: We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Uh-uh.
Penny: I don’t think so.
Amy: Are you sure? I mean, the nose doesn’t light up, but if the corpse is fresh enough, sometimes you can get the leg to jerk.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s House.
Howard: Hey, Ma, twinkle, twinkle, your little star is home. Ma, the chain’s on the door.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard? I thought I wasn’t going to see you till tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, well, Bernie’s not feeling well, so I thought I’d stop by, tell you about the greatest adventure of my life, see if you can make me feel bad about it.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, uh, okay, hold on, I’m not decent.
Howard: All right. Woman hasn’t tied her robe in 20 years. Suddenly she’s not decent?
Man’s Voice (off): You want me to hide in the closet or go out the back?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Shh, you need to whisper.
Howard: Ma, who is in there?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, nobody. The TV is on.
Man’s Voice (off): I only got one sock. Where’s my other sock?
Howard: Who is that?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I told you, it’s the TV. Jay Leno lost a sock, it’s hilarious.
Howard: If you’re busy, I can come back.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Just give me a second. Go, go, go, go.
Howard (to man climbing out window): Dr. Schneider?
Dr Schneider: Oh, hello, Howard.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Dr Schneider: Um, house call.
Howard: You’re a dentist.
Dr Schneider: Yes, yes, I am. I think he’s on to us.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, glasses off. Find Waldo.
Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him.
Leonard: I’m trying. Don’t yell at me.
Sheldon: For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.
Leonard: I know what he looks like.
Amy: Oh, there he is, I got him.
Penny: Yes, we win again.
Sheldon: How could you not find him?
Leonard: Because he’s hard to find. If he was easy to find, the books would be called There’s Waldo.
Later. Penny and Sheldon have their foreheads on light sabres and are spinning.
Leonard: 57, 58, 59, that’s one minute.
Amy: Long division, long division. Go, go, go.
Leonard: Remember, show your work.
Sheldon: I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m not okay.
Leonard: Get up, we can’t lose at math.
Penny: 37.
Amy: Yes.
Later
Amy: Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.
Penny: Mwah!
Sheldon: Stop that.
Penny: Mwah!
Sheldon: Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: One to beam aboard?
Raj: Oh, my God, you’re back. Oh, look at you. You, you look like you grew.
Howard: Yeah. The lack of gravity did decompress my spine, so I’m like an inch and a half taller. I’m going to the DMV tomorrow to get my license changed before I shrink back.
Raj: Oh, uh, come in, come in. Oh, I, uh, I didn’t think I was going to get to see you until tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, well, Bernadette’s a little under the weather and my mom’s kind of under my dentist.
Raj: Wait, your, your mother is sleeping with your dentist?
Howard: Former dentist. I need a new one now that I know where his hands have been.
Raj: So you’re wandering all around by yourself? That’s not the kind of hero’s welcome an astronaut should come home to.
Howard: It’s okay, you know, we space cowboys don’t do what we do for glory and fame. We leave that to your rock stars and your athletes and your Howie Mandels.
Stuart: Oh, hey, man, welcome back.
Howard: Oh, Stuart, thanks. What are you doing here?
Stuart: I, I kind of live here now.
Raj: Just until he gets back on his feet, which are looking pretty good in the boots I bought him for his birthday.
Stuart: Ah, he’s spoiling me and I love it.
Howard: Wow, so you guys are like buds now?
Raj: Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time.
Stuart: Plus, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t have a girlfriend.
Raj: It’s like we both had these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other’s holes.
Stuart: Uh, that sounds a little funny to an American ear.
Raj: Which part?
Stuart: Just all of it.
Howard: Okay, so what do you guys got going on tonight?
Stuart: Raj is taking me to the Sound of Music sing-along.
Howard: Sound of Music sing-along? That used to be our thing, but that’s cool.
Raj: Oh, Howard, it’s still our thing. Come with us, we’ll, we’ll get you a scalped ticket.
Howard: So I’d be sitting by myself?
Raj: We’ll switch. You’ll come sit with me after intermission.
Stuart: So I, I, I’d be sitting by myself during Edelweiss?
Howard: No, no, you guys go. Have fun.
Raj: Okay, uh, will I get to see you tomorrow?
Howard: Absolutely. See you, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah. Is he taller?
Howard: At least my mother made her boyfriend climb out the window.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: All right, standard state fair pie-eating contest rules are, no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
Amy: On the count of three. One, two…
Sheldon: Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Leonard: Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face.
Sheldon: That’s rude.
Amy: One, two, three, eat.
Howard: Hey, guys, guess who’s back from space.
All: Not now!
Sheldon: Oh, ow, blueberry in my nose, blueberry in my nose!
Leonard: Snort it down and keep eating!
Scene: A diner.
Waitress: You look familiar.
Howard: I don’t think so.
Waitress: Yeah, I just saw you on the news. You’re an astronaut.
Howard: Yes. Yes, I am.
Waitress: Good for you. How about a piece of cheesecake on the house?
Howard: Oh, thank you so much. I’ve been having the worst night. I just got back, and my friends don’t care, my wife’s sick, I went to my mom…
Waitress: You want the cheesecake or not?
Howard: Yes, please. (Sings) And I think it’s gonna be long, long time till touchdown brings me ’round again to find I’m not the man they think I am at home, oh, no, oh, no, I’m a rocket man. (Sneezes) Perfect.
Scene: The Comic Book Store
Howard: Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.
Stuart: Well, Howard, that’s very nice of you.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Open it first.
Howard: It’s my official NASA portrait.
Stuart: To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was.”
Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.
Howard: That’s not true. At the Walgreens I was over the moon for their store-brand antacids.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, I see you’re getting ready for your Halloween party.
Stuart: Yeah, it’s my annual attempt to meet women. Ninth time’s the charm.
Raj: Would you like me to help? I do have a certain je ne sais quois when it comes to soirees.
Stuart: Thanks, but I can’t afford je ne sais quois. How much for just quois?
Raj: You know, you don’t worry about money. I’ll take care of everything.
Stuart: Really?
Raj: Yeah, you’ll love it. Ain’t no party like a Koothra-party.
Howard: But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.
Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?
Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.
Leonard: Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?
Howard: Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view.
Sheldon: It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?
Howard: Not really.
Sheldon: Oh, well.
Howard: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar
Amy: Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory. Does it get any better than this?
Penny: I hope so.
Amy: Question. Do you think your husband’s fondness for turtlenecks is an expression of longing for his missing foreskin?
Penny: It’s not getting any better. (Text tone) Ugh. It’s Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.
Bernadette: I thought you liked Halloween.
Penny: I do, it’s just he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kind of creepy.
Bernadette: Like my husband?
Amy: And my boyfriend?
Penny: I’m, I’m sorry, Amy. You were saying something about Howard’s foreskin?
Bernadette: Nice try, but you have to go to that party because we’re going.
Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna go. It’s just not my idea of a good time.
Bernadette: Leonard does thing he doesn’t like to make you happy.
Penny: Well, yeah, he’s my boyfriend. Isn’t that, like, his job?
Amy: Then what’s your job?
Penny: Letting him make me happy.
Bernadette: I just think in relationships you get back what you put into them.
Amy: That’s not always true. Last night I gave Sheldon my best come-hither look, and he responded by explaining how wheat came to be cultivated.
Penny: I guess I could probably try a little harder.
Bernadette: You could start by taking an interest in his work.
Penny: Yeah, that’s kind of a problem.
Amy: Why?
Penny: Not really clear on what he does.
Bernadette: He’s an experimental physicist.
Penny: Yeah, I’m not really clear on what that means.
Amy: He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy.
Penny: Yeah, you’re really just making it worse.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?
Amy: I think I’m gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.
Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave.
Amy: So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.
Sheldon: I couldn’t agree more.
Amy: Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.
Amy: Yeah?
Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.
Amy: Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like.
Sheldon: Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.
Amy: I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can’t we find something that we’re both happy with?
Sheldon: Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett?
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Penny: Anybody home?
Leonard: Hey, what are you doing here?
Penny: I just thought I’d stop by and say hello.
Leonard: Oh, what a nice surprise. I don’t think you’ve ever seen my lab before.
Penny: No, I know. It’s long overdue. So, what ya doing? Better not be building a robot girlfriend.
Leonard: No. Although Howard was making some real strides in that area until he met Bernadette.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: Nope. Now the Lisatronic 3000 just sits in a box waiting for the phone to ring.
Penny: Ooh! What’s going on in here?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, don’t look in there.
Penny: What, is it secret?
Leonard: No, it’s a nitrogen laser. It’ll cook your eyeball like a soft-boiled egg.
Penny: Oh. You might want to put a sign on it.
Leonard: Sign right there.
Penny: Ah. Danger. Sure, sure. Yeah. What’s, what’s that?
Leonard: Uh, that is an integrated ion trap and time-of-flight mass spectrometer.
Penny: Wow. High-techie-techie. What’s this little box?
Leonard: That is a pencil sharpener.
Penny: Ooh, low-techie-techie. So, what are you working on right now?
Leonard: It’s actually pretty neat.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Yeah. It’s a front-projected holographic display combined with laser-based finger tracking. Here, I’ll show you. We’ll just put this pencil over here.
Penny: Sharp. Thanks to the machine we saw earlier.
Leonard: Very good. And then a laser will map the reflective surface, and voila. (A floating 3D image of the pencil appears. Leonard moves it around with his finger)
Penny: Wow. That is amazing.
Leonard: You know, there’s a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.
Penny: What do you mean? (Leonard flicks a switch. The hologram changes to a view of the planet Earth). Oh! Wow!
Leonard: Uh-huh. Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really (changes view to solar system) just be information (changes view to the galaxy) on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. (Starts the galaxy spinning) So it’s possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.
Penny: Hmm.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Sometimes I forget how smart you are.
Leonard: You should visit more often. What are you doing?
Penny: Take off your clothes.
Leonard: What? Here? Now?
Penny: Yeah. You got a problem with that?
Leonard: No, no. It’s kind of crazy. I’ve never fooled around in the lab before.
Penny: Really? Never?
Leonard: No. I did have a shot with the Lisatronic, but the extension cord wasn’t long enough.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Before I forget, I’d like your opinion on the menus I’ve prepared for the Halloween party. The theme is food that goes bump in the night.
Howard: Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon.
Raj: On Sesame seed Bunzillas.
Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?
Raj: It’s funny because bread sounds like dead.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.
Raj: Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That’s a good one. They’ll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it?
Howard: That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?
Leonard: Hello, boys.
Sheldon: What are you smiling at?
Leonard: Nothing.
Howard: You know where’s there’s a lot of nothing.
All: Space.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: Boy, it’s nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again. Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth and into the air lock?
Bernadette: Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.
Howard: So, here we are, just a couple of young newlyweds. What to do? What to do to you? Astronaut Wolowitz, reporting for booty. Preparing thrusters. We have liftoff. Are we clear to jettison that nightgown?
Bernadette: Okay, we need to talk.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: Howie, I know you went to space. I’m incredibly proud of you. But you might want to try and not bring it up every minute.
Howard: I don’t talk about it every minute.
Bernadette: Tonight at dinner you went on bout it for an hour straight.
Howard: What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.
Bernadette: I’m just saying, people are getting a little tired of it.
Howard: So, I did this amazing thing and I’m never allowed to mention it?
Bernadette: Of course you can. But maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up.
Howard: Okay, no problem. It won’t happen again.
Bernadette: I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. I can’t tell you how many times I dreamed I was in bed here with you when I was… you know. What, I can’t even point?
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Leonard: So, basically, this is what’s called mag-lev technology. It uses very powerful electromagnets to create a force strong enough to overcome gravity. Here, you hold this.
Penny: Whoa! That’s heavy.
Leonard: Yeah. Oh, uh, you don’t have on any jewellery, do you?
Penny: No. Why?
Leonard: A grad student forgot to take out one of his piercings. Now he’s on a transplant list waiting for a nipple his size. Now watch this.
Penny: Whoa! That is very cool.
Leonard: Sometimes I like to turn this on and pretend I’m the super villain Magneto.
Penny: Getting a little less cool, Leonard.
Leonard: But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him.
Penny: There we go.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy’s tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.
Sheldon: A Tardis makes no sense. It’s a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don’t get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.
Raj: Do you have a preference?
Howard: I don’t care. Get the Tardis.
Sheldon: Yes! This party just became a major rager.
Raj: Oh, by the way, can I borrow your bullwhip and fedora?
Howard: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Raj: I was thinking of dressing up as Indiana Jones’ mocha-skinned love child. Indian Jones.
Howard: Clever.
Raj: What’s wrong with you?
Howard: Nothing.
Raj: Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.
Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.
Raj: It’s called being nice.
Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.
Howard: You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won’t talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.
Sheldon: Look at that, the problem solved itself.
Leonard: Hello, boys.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?
Amy: You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.
Sheldon: No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.
Amy: No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.
Sheldon: What’s a hickey?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom. Howard and Bernadette are dressed as smurfs.
Bernadette: How do I look?
Howard: Fine.
Bernadette: Uh-oh, is someone a little blue? Come on, Howie, that’s like the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life. What do you say? You ready to go?
Howard: To tell you the truth, I’m not really in the mood.
Bernadette: What are you talking about? It’ll be fun. All your friends’ll be there.
Howard: Yeah, some friends. They all think I’m boring. Maybe you should go without me.
Bernadette: No, if I’m there alone, people might think I’m just a really short person from Avatar.
Howard: I’m sorry. I just don’t want to go.
Bernadette: Hey, I just spent the last three hours colouring myself blue. I’m gonna be washing paint out of my Smurf for a month.
Howard: Fine. Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, now you’re a Smurf. Keep walking.
Scene: The comic book store.
Penny: Oh, my God, you guys look adorable.
Bernadette: Thanks, so do you. Slutty cop?
Penny: No, sexy cop. Slutty cop only came with a skirt and two badges.
Bernadette: And Albert Einstein?
Leonard: Ja, und later she’s going to arrest me for goink fashter zen da shpeed of light.
Penny: I thought we said in the car, no accents?
Leonard: Sorry, Officer.
Girl dressed as a Witch: Hello. It’s a great party.
Stuart: Thank you.
Witch: The monster foods, they’re really fun.
Stuart: Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.
Amy: Sheldon, get in here.
Sheldon: I should’ve picked hickey.
Stuart: Hey, hey, look at you guys!
Amy: I’m Raggedy Ann, and he’s Raggedy C-3PO.
Sheldon: It was a compromise. I lost.
Raj: Can you believe Stuart’s walking around taking credit for this party?
Howard: Who cares?
Raj: What do you mean who cares? Look at what I pulled off here. The DJ’s on fire, there’s a Tardis photo booth in the back room, and, oh, my God, the food. Stuart wanted Kraft Draculoni and cheese.
Howard: You’re right, the party’s fantastic. Please, tell me more. I haven’t heard enough about it all week because hearing about that never gets old.
Raj: Is this about the space thing again?
Howard: Well, I’m not allowed to talk about it, but since you brought it up, I went to space! Space, space! Space! Space, space! Space!
Bernadette: Whoa, Drinky Smurf. Can I talk to you for a second?
Howard: Great, now I’m in trouble. You happy?
Bernadette: You, out! You are being very rude.
Howard: No, I’m not. They’re all being rude. And you’re being rude.
Bernadette: Me? What did I do?
Howard (in a squeaky voice): Oh, Howie, stop talking about space so much. Nobody likes it.
Bernadette (in a gruff voice): I don’t sound like that.
Howard: You’re my wife. You’re supposed to be on my side.
Bernadette: I’m always on your side.
Howard: Then why are you trying to take this away from me? Being an astronaut is the coolest thing I’m ever gonna do. If I stop talking about it, then I’m just…
Bernadette: Just what?
Howard: Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again.
Bernadette: Plain old Howard Wolowitz is the best guy I know.
Howard: You’re just saying that.
Bernadette: No, I’m not. I married him. On purpose. Come here.
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Penny (emerging from Tardis): Nothing to see here. Just sexy police business.
Leonard: Just explaining the theory of relativity. Twice.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Hey, what you watching?
Howard: I don’t know. Raj sent me some video of Buzz Aldrin.
Buzz (on video, handing Halloween candy to children): Here you go. It’s a Milky Way. The Milky Way’s a galaxy in space. I’ve been in space. Here’s a Mars bar. I’m an astronaut. And this one’s a Moon Pie. I walked on the Moon. What have you done?
Howard: Okay, I get it.
Scene: A dance video game where the characters are imperial stormtroopers from Star Wars and Bobba Fett. Opens onto the apartment where Howard and Raj are dancing to the game.
Raj: Try to keep up, Howard, I’m killing it.
Howard: Yeah, I wish we looked as cool dancing in clubs as we do right now.
Leonard: Don’t worry, this is exactly how you look when you’re dancing in clubs.
Raj: You’re welcome, ladies.
Sheldon: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)
Raj: Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch.
Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?
Howard: That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.”
Sheldon: I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…
Raj: I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk.
Sheldon: Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.
Leonard: That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you.
Sheldon: And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.
Howard: Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him.
Sheldon: And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t think this actually means…
Sheldon: Hold that thought! Professor Hawking has made a move. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, it’s only a matter of time before we’re coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I’ll be Coop. He’ll be Wheels. If he’s okay with that. (Leaves)
Raj (putting game back on and removing shirt): All right. Crank up the AC, boys, it’s gonna get hot in here!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out, I started to dry off with what I thought was a towel but turned out to be Howard’s mom’s underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn’t enough. Nothing will ever be enough.
Amy: I once looked in Sheldon’s underwear drawer. He yelled at me. But now I know what it looks like and he can never take that away.
Bernadette: There’s a book under here.
Penny: Oh, I’ll get that.
Bernadette: I got it.
Penny: No, no, it’s…
Bernadette: I got it. Why do you have a history textbook?
Penny: No, it’s not a big deal. Just taking a class at the Pasadena Community College.
Bernadette: That’s great. I didn’t know you wanted to go back to school.
Penny: It’s just one history class. Look, I didn’t finish college, so I thought I would give it a try.
Amy: Not to mention, your acting career is going south like Sherman. Read about it in your book.
Bernadette: Why would you be embarrassed to tell us?
Penny: No, I’m not embarrassed. I just didn’t want anyone to know because I haven’t told Leonard yet.
Amy: Why wouldn’t you tell Leonard?
Penny: Because it’s me going back to school, and he’s gonna be all “you can do it,” and “how can I help?” and “I’m so proud of you.” Ugh!
Bernadette: I just can’t believe you could keep something like that from him.
Amy: You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
Penny: Really? You can’t think of anyone weirder?
Amy: I can, but she’s sitting right there.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: Yes. I play the word quiver with a triple letter and a double word score for 72 points. That ought to let the air out of your tyres, Hawking.
Amy: Wow, my boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking and my new dandruff shampoo doesn’t smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.
Sheldon: It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.
Amy: You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.
Sheldon: What’s your point?
Amy: It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.
Sheldon: Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.
Amy: Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points.
Sheldon: Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: Although, I could play the completely unrelated and better word extract (pronounced with emphasis on ex). Ethical conundrum avoided. Thanks, brain.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Spaghetti okay?
Leonard: It’s crunchy. Just the way I like it.
Penny: Yeah, I don’t think the water was really boiling.
Leonard: It’s great. I love it.
Penny: Okay, listen, there’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been thinking about going back to school for a while now. So a couple months ago, I started taking a history class at the community college.
Leonard: Oh. That’s great. Great, great, great. Why wait so long to tell me?
Penny: I don’t want you to make a big deal out of it.
Leonard: Why do you think I’d be like that? I get it, you’re taking one class. It’s nice. Maybe if it goes well, you take another, you enrol full-time. Ooh, be sure to keep an eye on which credits transfer to a four-year college.
Penny: You’re making it a big deal.
Leonard: Sorry. Whatever. It’s all good.
Penny: Anyway, that’s it. I just thought you should know.
Leonard: Am I allowed to ask how the class is going?
Penny: It’s really good. We’ve been talking about the origins of slavery. Turn in my first paper tomorrow.
Leonard: Great topic. I can help with that. There are lots of different perspectives you can take, economic, sociological, political.
Penny: Hey hey hey, this is my paper. And my perspective is that slavery is bad. Oh, and my professor’s black, so I’m pretty sure that’s the right answer.
Leonard: Can I take a look?
Penny: No, Leonard, this is my thing.
Leonard: Okay, I get it.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: It’s like when I started doing chin-ups, I didn’t want you to see until I could do one. FYI, really close.
Penny: Thank you. Now behave yourself and eat your dinner. Maybe later, if you’re lucky, you get to sleep with a college girl.
Leonard: Really? ‘Cause I went to four years of college and five years of grad school, that never happened once.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I think the next time I have to speak to a call centre in India, I’m going to try using an American accent.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Because when I use my regular voice, I feel like I’m making fun of them.
Howard: That’s ridiculous. Not to mention, your American accent is terrible.
Raj: Dude, my accent is brilliant. (In American accent) Hey, my snow-white American friends, let’s put some cow meat on the barbecue and eat it until we’re all obese.
Howard: This is what you sound like. I think I’m talking in an American accent, but it really sounds like I’m wearing a set of giant dentures.
Raj: Sheldon, do I really sound like that?
Howard: Tell him he sounds like that.
Raj: Sheldon, you okay?
Sheldon: It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?
Raj: The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him.
Sheldon: Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.
Howard: There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.
Sheldon: Really?
Howard: One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.
Sheldon: Good Lord, what have I done?
Raj (in American accent): Good Lord, what have I done?
Howard: Terrible.
Raj: All right, hotshot, let’s hear your Indian.
Howard: I can’t sit on that elephant, my ass is on fire from eating all this curry.
Raj: Okay, yeah, that’s pretty good.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Leonard sneaks from the bed and opens Penny’s computer.
Leonard: Please be good. Please be good. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. She writes like she cooks.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Play. Play. Play. Play. Play.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.
Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway.
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking hates me.
Leonard: I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad.
Sheldon: I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?
Leonard: Is it possible we’re having two different conversations?
Sheldon: How would I know? I’m not listening to you.
Leonard: Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.
Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.
Leonard: He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it?
Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.
Leonard: Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school…
Sheldon: Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.
Leonard: Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her?
Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother.
Leonard: No. You need to give me some advice.
Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?
Leonard: No, specific to my situation.
Sheldon: Blonde women, huh?
Leonard: Empathetic.
Sheldon: It sucks to be you.
Leonard: I quit.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, of course, it only works on the weak-minded.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Good morning, sunshine.
Penny: Leonard. It’s eight a.m. It’s like the middle of the night.
Leonard: I know, but I have to go to work, and I made you breakfast.
Penny: Oh, wow, that’s so sweet. Hey, what’s this?
Leonard: Uh, before you open that, um, are you familiar with the story of The Shoemaker and the Elves?
Penny: Elves? Come on, Leonard. It’s too early for Lord of the Rings.
Leonard: No, no. Listen, um, once upon a time, there was this shoemaker and when he went to bed at night, elves would sneak in and they would make all these amazing shoes for him. And when the shoemaker woke up in the morning, he, he would be super happy, not mad at the elves at all. Open it.
Penny: Okay. An examination of the economic, cultural, and political roots of slavery in the Old South, 1619 to 1865. What the hell is this?
Leonard: Don’t ask me. A little elf did it.
Penny: So let me get this straight. You just assumed my paper would be bad so you wrote one for me?
Leonard: No, I assumed it would be good. Then I read it.
Penny: What?
Leonard: No, I, I mean, it was good. There were just a few things that needed a little polishing.
Penny: You changed every word.
Leonard: That’s not true. Uh, slavery. 1619. Your name at the top. That’s all you.
Penny: You are such an ass. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you I was taking a class in the first place.
Leonard: Please don’t be upset. I just, I didn’t want you ending up with a bad grade and get discouraged and give up on the idea of going back to school.
Penny: Right, because me being in school is so important to you. That way, you wouldn’t have to be dating someone who’s only a waitress.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you know that’s not true.
Penny: Do I? Listen to me. I need to do this on my own. If I fail, I fail. If I pass, I pass. Do you get it?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I was just trying to help.
Penny: Yeah, well, next time don’t. Oh, and since you like stories so much, this is not The Shoemaker
and the Elves, okay? This is, Give a man a fish, he eats it. Teach a man to fish, he, sells it or something. Whatever, I don’t know, it’s just a lot better than what you did, you big jerk!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: You ever hear back from Hawking?
Sheldon: No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain.
Raj: It’ll be okay.
Sheldon: How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Raj: Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him.
Sheldon: You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.
Howard: So, now all you have to do is let him win.
Sheldon: Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.
Howard: What are you waiting for? Hit send.
Sheldon: I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.
Raj: So don’t do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.
Howard: So do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.
Raj: Then don’t do it.
Sheldon: I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.
Howard: Good for you.
Sheldon: ‘Course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Oh, hey. Haven’t heard from you in a couple days. You still mad at me?
Penny: Nope. I have no reason to… “B” mad at you. Minus.
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: That’s right. On my paper. Not yours, mine, you punk-ass elf.
Leonard: I don’t know what to say.
Penny: Hmm, how about, gee, Penny, you’re smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I’m the one who learned a lesson. I’m so stupid, Penny. Duh.
Sheldon: She sounds exactly like you.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: How’d it go with Leonard?
Penny: I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Bernadette: Good.
Penny: So, I know this goes without saying, but if either of you tell Leonard you helped me rewrite this paper, I will beat you both with a bag of oranges.
Amy: Understood.
Bernadette: Got it.
Penny: Now, ladies, we got a B-minus on this paper. I think if we put our heads together, on the next one we could get an A.
Bernadette: Uh, but we got you a B-minus on purpose to make it believable.
Penny: Believable? You saying I’m not smart?
Bernadette: No, no!
Amy: You’re smart.
Penny: That’s better.
Amy: I feel like I’m in high school again.
Bernadette: Yeah, doing the prom queen’s homework so she’ll like us.
Amy: I know. It’s finally working.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon’s phone rings.
Sheldon: It’s Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: Well answer it. I want to hear.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.
Stephen Hawking: Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, me, too.
Stephen Hawking: Or should I say Dr. Loser? Ha, ha, ha.
Sheldon: Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.
Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?
Sheldon: Oh, I love brain teasers.
Stephen Hawking: What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener neener.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I’d like to announce the winner of our design your own flag competition. But I can’t. The only entry was from GameyGamer75, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help me, I’m pleased to introduce Internet personality, former star of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one sixteenth scale. Set phasers to fun for my friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m happy to be here.
Amy: Cut.
Sheldon: What’s wrong?
Amy: Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden.
Wil: Wooden?
Amy: Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action.
Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here.
Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?
Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Now what’s interesting about this flag…
Amy: Cut.
Wil: What was wrong with that?
Amy: It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.
Wil: Um, no offence, but I’ve been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction.
Sheldon: It’s true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.
Amy: You’ll have to forgive me. This is my first time directing, I just want it to be good.
Wil: So do I.
Amy: Great. So, this time let’s try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action.
Wil: And cut. You realize that I’m doing this for free, right?
Amy: Yes. And so far, we’re still not getting our money’s worth. Let’s try it again. Everybody’s having fun. And action.
Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?
Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets.
Amy: Cut.
Wil: Problem, first-time director?
Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.
Amy: He was overacting on purpose.
Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.
Wil: Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.
Amy: You gonna let him speak to me like that?
Sheldon: Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?
Amy: Can I speak to you for a second?
Sheldon: I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.
Amy: I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.
Sheldon: Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.
Amy: Fine. Then maybe I should go.
Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?
Amy: You sure you wouldn’t rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?
Sheldon: Come to think of it, I would! You, little lady, are on fire.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes.
Howard: Don’t take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.
Bernadette: You ready to go?
Howard: Yeah, let me just grab a couple of fresh turtlenecks.
Bernadette: I don’t understand why you keep your stuff here when there’s plenty of room at home.
Howard: What are you talking about? All I have here is a few sweaters, books, bank stuff, computers, mail, collectibles, medicine and my electric body groomer. Ooh, there’s my plaid dickie. Oh, got this at the Goodwill store for 50 cents. Can you believe it?
Bernadette: 50 cents sounds right. Let’s go.
Howard: You know, it’s kinda late. Why don’t we just spend the night here?
Bernadette: Because we don’t live here.
Howard: I know.
Bernadette: Do you? You said when you got back from space you were gonna move into my apartment, but half the time we stay here.
Howard: That’s not true.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, I’m doing laundry. You want me to put anything in for you?
Howard: There’s some underwear in the hamper.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, good, I got that new stain stick to try out.
Howard: Thank you, I only put it on the list two weeks ago. Okay, I see what you’re getting at. How about this weekend I’ll box up all my things and move them to our place.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Howard: The lightsabres are gonna look great in the living room.
Bernadette: Or in the closet. We can decide later.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, help, my hand’s stuck in the garbage disposal.
Howard: Let go of whatever piece of food you’re holding.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you kidding? It’s a perfectly good chicken leg.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, look who’s out after dark, like a big boy.
Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.
Leonard: I thought you had plans with Amy.
Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.
Leonard: Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument?
Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle.
Leonard: Then Amy got mad and left?
Sheldon: Walked right out the door.
Leonard: And you?
Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.
Leonard: Buddy, I think Amy might be upset.
Sheldon: Why’s that?
Leonard: Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him.
Sheldon: You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.
Leonard: Trust me, call her.
Sheldon: Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.
Amy (on skype): What?
Sheldon: You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.
Amy: I’m mad at you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.
Amy: I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything.
Sheldon: Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math?
Leonard: Keep going, buddy, you’re doing great.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That’s it. End of story. Good night.
Sheldon: Wow, Amy’s mad and Leonard was right. What a weird day.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Hey. Sorry this took so long. But you used to work here, you know how it is.
Bernadette: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I’m a terrible waitress, remember?
Bernadette: So, is there anything I can do to help you with the move tomorrow?
Howard: Now that you mention it, I was thinking tomorrow might not be great.
Bernadette: What’s your excuse this time?
Howard: No excuse. It’s just, you know, I’m Jewish, and technically, we’re not supposed to drive or carry anything on the Sabbath. So this one’s on God.
Bernadette: That might be a little more convincing if you didn’t have a mouthful of bacon cheeseburger.
Howard: My religion’s kinda loosey-goosey. Basically, as long as you got your schmekel clipped and don’t wear a cross, you’re good.
Bernadette: Howie, you promised you’d move.
Howard: And I will.
Penny: Yeah, right.
Howard: I will. I’m obviously not going to live in my mother’s house for the rest of my life. I’m not a child.
Penny: I’ve seen her burp you.
Howard: She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp. Don’t you have other tables you should be waiting on?
Penny: Yeah, but I told you, I’m not good at my job. Bernadette, listen to me. He is never gonna leave.
Bernadette: I’m starting to think you’re right.
Howard: All right, I’ve had enough of this. I’m a grown man, I have a successful career, for the love of God, I’ve been to space. I will move out when I’m ready, and I don’t need anyone badgering me into it.
Penny: Wow, excuse me.
Howard: That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.
Amy: Star Trek DVDs? Why would I want this?
Sheldon: First of all, you’re welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton’s body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I’ll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy… (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She’s hooked.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Raj: Wow. An end of an era.
Howard: Boy, if these walls could talk.
Leonard: They’d say, why does he touch himself so much?
Howard: Yeah. I can’t believe I’m not going to live here anymore. This has always been my bedroom. Right here is where my mom used to mark my height.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Fifth grade. Sixth grade. Seventh grade. Eighth grade. Ninth grade.
Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy.
Leonard: Okay. You want to start loading this stuff into the truck?
Howard: Yeah, I guess. Hey, would you do me a favour? Go on ahead. I just want one last moment alone in my old room.
Leonard: We’re not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself.
Howard: Fine, let’s go.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar.
Penny: Hey. What brings you in?
Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.
Penny: I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?
Sheldon: Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.
Penny: And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking?
Sheldon: Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.
Penny: You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.
Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?
Penny: It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times.
Sheldon: Sold.
Penny: Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?
Sheldon: The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.
Penny: Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle.
Sheldon: It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.
Penny: Honey, you can’t make people like each other.
Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.
Penny: You might want to pace yourself.
Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.
Penny: Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.
Sheldon: My problem is I’m out of tea.
Penny: Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.
Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.
Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.
Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.
Penny: Yeah, that she is. Here you go.
Sheldon: I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.
Penny: No, she won’t.
Sheldon: No, she won’t. I’m great.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Okay, I have now officially moved out of my mother’s house. You are now the only woman in my life who I’ll see naked in the bathroom.
Bernadette: I know this wasn’t easy. You doing okay?
Howard: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just her I’m worried about.
Bernadette: Aw, she’ll be okay. She’s a grown woman.
Howard: I know. It’s just ever since my dad left, I’ve felt responsible for her.
Bernadette: That’s a lot for a kid to deal with.
Howard: She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry.
Bernadette: She’s lucky you were there.
Howard: You know, she’s why I first got into magic. I would do little shows for her, hang up a bedsheet like it was a curtain, put on a top hat and cape. And part way through the act, I would say I needed a volunteer from the audience to be my beautiful assistant and invite her up on stage. I can still remember the way she’d smile. For a few minutes, she’d forget how lonely she was.
Bernadette: Aw, crap. Let’s go.
Howard: Where we going?
Bernadette: Grab a box. We’ll sleep at your mother’s place tonight.
Howard: No, but I want to live here.
Bernadette: Well, you should’ve thought of that before you told me the stupid magic trick story.
Howard: Can’t we talk about this?
Bernadette: No husband of mine is gonna break his mother’s heart!
Scene: Wil Wheaton’s house.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, what’s up?
Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wil: Have you been drinking?
Sheldon: Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.
Wil: Why are you here?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?
Wil: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.
Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.
Wil: Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight?
Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.
Wil: Okay, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.
Wil: Are you okay?
Sheldon: You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help us, I’m pleased to introduce a special guest, surprisingly, it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here, Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar: Hey, Sheldon, it’s a pleasure to be here. Well, we’ve got some interesting flags for…
Amy: Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.
Sheldon: I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend.
LeVar: Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?
Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon is drawing on a napkin.
Raj: What are you drawing over there?
Sheldon: It’s a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.
Howard: Oh, you silly doodlebug.
Leonard: You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us.
Sheldon: It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)
Howard: Do you expect me to build this?
Sheldon: I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen.
Howard: Have you guys ever noticed that Sheldon always disappears every day at two forty-five?
Leonard: Really?
Raj: He probably just goes to the bathroom.
Leonard: Actually, no, he goes to the bathroom at eight a.m. with optional follow-ups at one forty-five and seven ten high-fibre Fridays.
Raj: It’s sad that you know that.
Leonard: Oh, that’s just the tip of the sadness iceberg.
Howard: I’m looking at his public calendar. Two forty-five to three-oh-five, nothing. Yesterday, two forty-five to three-oh-five, nothing, last week, nothing, last month, nothing. He never has anything booked during that time.
Raj: Twenty minutes a day, completely unaccounted for.
Howard: We should figure out where he goes.
Raj: Ooh, this is exciting. Like one of my classic murder mystery dinner parties.
Leonard: Right, the case of who murdered three Saturday nights of my life?
Howard: Colonel Koothrapali in the kitchen with the olive spread.
Raj: It was tapenade and you guys suck.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is texting.
Penny: So, how was work today?
Leonard: Well, I spent most of the afternoon growing isotopically pure crystals for neutrino detection.
Penny: That sounds like fun.
Leonard: Yeah, it was.
Penny: Oh, good, I guessed right.
Leonard: Who you talking to?
Penny: Oh, just this guy I met at school.
Leonard: Oh, great. We’re still dating, right?
Penny: Relax. He’s just a friend. We’re doing an oral report together. He’s really nice.
Leonard: I’m sorry, what was that? I had a little stroke after oral.
Penny: Would you stop? Look, he just moved here from London, okay? He doesn’t really know anybody.
Leonard: Oh, good, an English accent, the sexiest accent you can have.
Penny: No. That’s not true. There’s French, there’s Italian. No, you’re right, it’s the best.
Leonard: Did you tell him you have a boyfriend?
Penny: It didn’t come up.
Leonard: Well, maybe you should tell him.
Penny: What am I supposed to say?
Leonard: Say, can’t talk right now, hanging with my boyfriend. England sucks, you suck, USA number one.
Penny: Fine. Hanging with my boyfriend. Talk to you later. Happy?
Leonard: Yes. Thank you.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Hmm.
Leonard: What did he say?
Penny: Nothing.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Did your boyfriend make you type that?
Leonard: I hate this guy.
Penny: Don’t be like that.
Leonard: Come on, trust me, he’s hitting on you.
Penny: No, he’s not. We’re just friends. Look, is this gonna be a problem? Because he’s supposed to come over tomorrow to work.
Leonard: Really? Here?
Penny: If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll switch partners, even though the thing’s due next week and everyone already has a partner and I’ll probably end up failing the class.
Leonard: That’d be great. Thank you.
Scene: The corridor outside Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Two forty-four, Right on schedule. Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, hello.
Howard: Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us?
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Raj: Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place.
Sheldon: I’m quite sure. Good day.
Howard: Well, where are you going?
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Raj: We just told you.
Sheldon: I just told you.
Howard: No, you didn’t.
Sheldon: Well, it’s your word against mine; see you in court.
Howard: Should we follow him?
Raj: I don’t know, I’m torn. I want to know where he’s going, but now I kind of want to play with the bunny.
Alex: Hi, guys.
Howard: Hey, Alex, do you know where your boss just went?
Alex: No.
Howard: Don’t you know his schedule?
Alex: All I know is corduroy makes too much noise and I have to go find quieter pants.
Howard: Come on.
Raj: Boy, what I wouldn’t give to get her out of those pants and into something a little more stylish.
Scene: A corridor in the basement. Sheldon takes out a key, unlocks a door and enters.
Howard: This is where he goes? What’s in there?
Raj: I think it’s an old storage room.
Howard: What could he be doing in there every day for twenty minutes?
Raj: Well, he’s not doing twenty-minute abs, because if he were, he would have way better abs. Can you hear anything?
Howard: Not yet. What are you doing?
Raj: I’m listening.
Howard: Can’t you face the other way and listen?
Raj: I can’t do anything right for you, can I?
Howard: What the hell is he up to?
Raj: He is kind of a weirdo. Maybe he’s got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates. Or Stephen Hawking.
Howard: Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?
Raj: Howard, please, you can’t treat the man differently just because he’s disabled. That’s not okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: If you’re wondering why I’ve been staring through the peephole, I’m trying to get a look at this guy who’s coming over to Penny’s.
Sheldon: To be honest, I didn’t know you were here.
Leonard: It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care.
Sheldon: You think you don’t care?
Leonard: This is silly. I have nothing to worry about.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.
Leonard: Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things.
Sheldon: Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.
Leonard: I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity.
Sheldon: You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.
Leonard: I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here.
Sheldon: I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.
Leonard: None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy.
Sheldon: Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.
Leonard: Now you’re just being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? The mind’s a mysterious thing, Leonard. He could be having the time of his life while she thinks she’s a chicken pecking for corn.
Scene: The university basement.
Raj: Look at us, sneaking around in the middle of the night like a couple of cat burglars.
Howard: I think we’re more like ninjas.
Raj: I don’t want to be a ninja, I want to be a cat burglar.
Howard: Fine, I’ll be a ninja, you be a cat burglar.
Raj: No, we both have to be the same thing. Okay, we’re ninjas.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: But next time, we’ll be cat burglars.
Howard: It’s locked.
Raj: Are you sure?
Howard: Yes, I’m sure. Now, you stand guard, I’m going to…
Raj (trying door): It’s locked.
Howard: Just keep an eye out. I’ll have this open in a minute.
Raj: When did you learn how to pick locks?
Howard: When I was starting to do magic in junior high, I thought I could be an escape artist like Harry Houdini.
Raj: How did that work out?
Howard: Pretty good. I managed to escape friends, popularity, and every party thrown in a twelve mile radius. There. Ready?
Raj: Hold on, hold on.
Howard: What?
Raj: Sheldon is a very smart man, and he obviously wants to keep this a secret.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Raj: What if it’s booby-trapped?
Howard: Don’t worry, I’m one step ahead of him.
Raj: Great, what’s your pl… (Howard pushes him inside)
Howard: Are we good?
Raj: Yeah. Huh. Forty-three? What the hell does that mean?
Howard: I don’t know. The solution to an equation?
Raj: Maybe. It’s a prime number. Encryption systems are built on prime numbers.
Howard: What kind of secret does Sheldon have to encrypt?
Raj: He’s always been very cagey about what he puts in his egg salad to make it so tasty.
Howard: It’s paprika.
Raj: Really? Well, oh, okay, one mystery solved.
Scene: The apartment.
Voice from Outside: Okay, good night.
Penny (off): Thanks, Cole. See you at school.
Cole (off): See you.
Leonard: I’ll be right back.
Sheldon: I thought you left a long time ago.
Leonard (rushing to catch up with Cole): ‘sup?
Cole: Hey.
Leonard: You, uh, moving into the apartment on the fifth floor?
Cole: No, I was just visiting a friend.
Leonard: Oh, cool. That cute blonde on four?
Cole: Yeah. You know her?
Leonard: I, well, I see her around. I like to keep my distance because her boyfriend is a pretty scary dude.
Cole: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. He’s ganged up.
Cole: She told me he’s a scientist.
Leonard: That’s the name of his gang. The Scientists. They are crazy.
Cole: Well, thanks for the tip.
Leonard: No problem, brother. Stay frosty. (Cole leaves. Leonard spots Penny watching.) We’re still dating, right?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Alex: Oh, hello, Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hey, Alex, and call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although, I’m pretty sure Dr. Boots Hofstadter’s degree was honorary.
Alex: May I join you, Leonard?
Leonard: Sure.
Alex: Thanks.
Leonard: Hey, Alex, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He’s got an English accent.
Alex: Ooh, I love English accents.
Leonard: Yeah, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he’s hitting on her. She says he’s just being nice and that I should trust her.
Alex: It’s probably harmless. You know how it is. I’m sure you get hit on all the time.
Leonard: Right. Because girls are always like, ooh, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets a lot of ear infections. I got to get me some of that.
Alex: I don’t know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Leonard: Trust me, it doesn’t.
Alex: You sure? You’re cute, you’re funny. Maybe you’re getting hit on, and you don’t even know it.
Leonard: Really?
Alex: Yep, pretty sure.
Leonard (laughs): Okay, I got to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
Alex: No problem.
Leonard: Hope-hope no girls rip my clothes off on the way.
Scene: Raj’s office.
Raj: Come on, we’re smart guys. We can figure this out.
Howard: Forty-three. What is forty-three? Besides my mom’s neck size.
Raj: It’s the atomic number for technetium.
Howard: That stuff’s radioactive.
Raj: Do you think he’s building a bomb?
Howard: Ah, it took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star, I’m not worried.
Raj: Ooh, this could be something. forty-three is the number of calories in half a cup of fat-free yoghurt.
Howard: Why would you know that?
Raj: I’m sorry. We can’t all eat whatever we want and still stay thin. Wait, in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, isn’t forty-three the answer to the question of life, the universe,and everything?
Howard: That’s forty-two, dumb-ass.
Raj: Hey, hey. Feelings.
Howard: We should stop. I’m exhausted.
Raj: Yeah, me, too. We’ve got more important things to do. Who cares what stupid forty-three means?
Howard: Not me.
Raj: Let’s go home. You want to get something to eat?
Howard: Sounds good.
Raj: What the balls is forty-three?
Howard: I have to know!
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Hey, shouldn’t you be out with your gang, spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard: Come on, I’m sorry.
Penny: I just can’t believe you don’t trust me.
Leonard: I do, of course I do.
Penny: Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend, who, by the way, knew exactly who you were?
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Your picture’s on my refrigerator.
Leonard: Oh. You know, I’m really starting to not like this guy.
Penny: What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
Leonard: I don’t know. It-it-it’s hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I’m standing right there. And they’re all taller than me. Why is everyone taller than me? You know what, this is all in my head. It’s my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard, why do you always do this? Listen to me, you’re the one I’m with. You know I love you, so will you please relax because you’re driving me crazy.
Leonard: You know that’s the first time you ever said that you love me.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: We’re just supposed to pretend it’s not a big deal?
Penny: That’s exactly what we’re gonna do because you’re about to make me cry, and we both know if I start crying, you’re gonna start crying.
Leonard: You’re right, you should go.
Penny (crying): All right.
Leonard (crying): She loves me. (Receives text) Hey, it’s Alex. Nice having coffee with you. If you want to talk more, I’m always available. Smiley face, smiley face. What a friendly girl.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Okay, picture’s up. Looks like the camera’s working.
Raj: That’s good quality video.
Howard: It better be. It’s the spare camera for the Mars rover.
Raj: How did you get your hands on that?
Howard: Million dollar camera, ten dollar lock.
Raj: Oh, my God, here he comes. This is it.
Howard: What the hell is that thing?
Raj: I don’t know.
Sheldon (on screen): This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.
Howard: Wormhole generator test? (On screen a wormhole appears)
Sheldon: The first forty-three parallel universes I’ve checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different. (Puts his head in the wormhole)
Howard: Oh, my God!
Raj: Holy crap!
Sheldon (with an alien creature stuck to his face): Oh! It’s eating my face!
Raj: Aah! It’s eating his face!
Sheldon (throwing alien onto the laptop): I found your webcam and replaced the video feed. You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Raj: Sheldon, we’re really sorry.
Howard: Yeah, really sorry.
Sheldon: Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.
Howard: But what are you doing in there?
Raj: And what does forty-three mean?
Sheldon: You don’t need to know, you don’t deserve to know, and you will never know.
Raj: Yeah, well, I know how to make your egg salad now.
Scene: The room in the basement. Sheldon enters, takes out a box, takes a beanbag from the box, then starts playing keepie-uppie,
Sheldon: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… Drat. I’m never going to get to forty-three again. One, two, three, four… Rats.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: They are not.
Raj: They are, too.
Leonard: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You’re just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
Raj: No, you’re displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
Raj: That’s called a fashion choice.
Leonard: All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.
Leonard: Good boy. Here’s a cookie.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Howard: Hey, fellas, what’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, mummies and zombies again.
Howard: Oh, they’re not the same thing.
Leonard: You get a cookie, too.
Howard: Thanks. Guess who picked up his new car this morning?
Raj: Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?
Howard: Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, 294?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That’s my parking spot.
Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive.
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.
Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.
Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space.
Sheldon: I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car.
Sheldon: Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.
Howard: Are you listening to yourself?
Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.
Howard: Nope.
Sheldon: Very well. You leave me no choice.
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is trying to push Howard’s car out of the spot.
Sheldon: What are you looking at, you stupid squirrel?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): President Siebert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don’t use the parking spot, but that’s not the point. I… Yes, I’m aware you told me not to call you at home, but you didn’t answer the door. And I know you were there, because I saw you through the mail slot. Yeah, well, that’s some salty language. May I remind you that you’re the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club. There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, well, I’m sorry for your loss. Good night, sir. Unbelievable. He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he’s a high-profile asset to the university.
Leonard: Well, he’s not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.
Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It’s not a big deal.
Sheldon: No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.
Leonard: All that story does is make me feel bad for your mother.
Sheldon: Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side?
Leonard: Because I can never understand your side.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Give it back.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but could you be more specific?
Howard: My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back.
Sheldon: Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?
Howard: Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back.
Sheldon: I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.
Howard: Fine. I’m taking your diploma.
Sheldon: Go ahead. That’s the only doctorate you’ll ever get. It smells funny in here.
Scene: The apartment stairwell.
Bernadette: We’re so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
Penny: Yeah. So, how you doing?
Amy: A little sensitive, but not bad. Does it always take that long?
Penny: Uh, no, they usually don’t have to go out and get more wax.
Amy: I feel like I’m five pounds lighter.
Bernadette: Really? Only five?
Penny: Hey, anybody want a drink?
Amy: Sure.
Bernadette: Okay. So, did you spend last night hearing about this silly parking space fight, too?
Amy: For hours. Fortunately, I couldn’t understand most of it ’cause Sheldon was wearing that stupid robot mask.
Bernadette: Howard was so angry I had to mash up Benadryl in his ice cream to get him to fall asleep.
Amy: I guess this is what we get for being with two testosterone-fueled alpha males. At some point, they’re bound to lock horns.
Penny: I’m assuming these are some kind of horns they bought at Comic-Con?
Bernadette: I’m really sorry they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn’t have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
Amy: I know, Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
Bernadette: What’s that supposed to mean?
Amy: Well, I mean, Howard’s never gonna go to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
Bernadette: You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again, if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
Amy: If and when?
Penny: Okay, maybe we should change the subject. Um, Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Bernadette: Hang on. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
Amy: That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
Penny: You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. It’s a bad idea.
Bernadette: Gosh, Amy. I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because, like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?
Penny: Damn.
Amy: Yeah, well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his mother. And yes, that is a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Penny: Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
Bernadette: I don’t have to take this. I’m gonna go home and have sex with my husband right now. Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in the parking spot. Which sounds dirty, but I didn’t mean it that way,
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: Okay, here’s another one: If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a zompire?
Leonard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Cookie.
Leonard: I don’t have any.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)
Howard: Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon: He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard: He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon: Get off there.
Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don’t need a parking space. You don’t have a car.
Sheldon: You don’t need an Iron Man helmet. You’re not Iron Man.
Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And you know, I have to say, I thought you’d be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj: I didn’t pick up on that. That’s a nice touch.
Leonard: Mmm.
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is spraypainting out Howard’s name and replacing it with his own.
Amy: This is so exciting. I’m feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone.
Sheldon: Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.
Amy: Freaking pigs.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.
Amy: Wait, I’m leaving my car here?
Sheldon: Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.
Amy: Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.
Sheldon: All right, colour me intrigued.
Amy: What do you think?
Sheldon: I think you’re high on paint fumes. And boy, that’s a lot of Band-Aids.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, Howard’s mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
Bernadette: What can I tell ya? She’s a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is. More coffee?
Penny: No, Leonard’s taking me to a physics lecture, and coffee’ll just keep me awake. (Knock on door) Oh, I’ll get it.
Amy: Oh, looks like someone’s on Team Bernadette. Where’s Howard?
Bernadette: He’s not here. What’s wrong?
Amy: He had my car towed. It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
Amy: In Sheldon’s spot.
Bernadette: That doesn’t make sense. Sheldon doesn’t have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard’s spot?
Amy: Don’t play dumb with me, sister. You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette: Well, that doesn’t make sense, either.
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: Because I’m the one who had it towed.
Amy: You?
Bernadette: Didn’t see that one coming, did ya?
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you’re not gonna see this coming. (Swings handbag. Bernadette ducks. Penny is hit in the face)
Penny: Ow! Ow!
Amy: Oh, my God,
Bernadette: Are you okay?!
Penny: You idiot, what the hell do you have in there?!
Amy: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I’ve been meaning to take to the bank.
Bernadette: Don’t move. I’ll get some ice.
Amy: Are you okay?
Penny: Get away from me or I swear to God I will rip out what’s left of your pubes!
Bernadette: Here.
Penny: Thanks. Ah!
Bernadette: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: Gee, you think?
Amy: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette: You hit her! What did I do?
Amy: You had my car towed.
Bernadette: You were parked in Howard’s spot.
Amy: I was parked in Sheldon’s spot.
Bernadette: Sheldon doesn’t have a spot.
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room.
Bernadette: Okay, let’s go.
Amy: I’ll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette: The tow truck didn’t scratch your car.
Amy: How do you know?
Bernadette: ‘Cause I did it!
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon has set up his office in it.
Sheldon: Morning, Professor Stevens. Don’t look at that whiteboard. That’s my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.
Howard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it.
Howard: Okay, you need to move now.
Sheldon: No, I don’t.
Howard: You can’t stay there forever.
Sheldon: Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)
Howard: Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon,
Sheldon: Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?
Howard: I’m warning you, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.
Howard: Get out of my spot.
Sheldon: No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.
Leonard: What are you idiots doing?
Sheldon: He’s trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.
Howard: Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate?
Leonard: You’re both acting like lunatics. It’s just a parking spot.
Howard: It’s not just a parking spot. He can’t handle the fact that I’m a bigger deal than he is now.
Sheldon: Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.
Howard: Can you believe this guy?
Leonard: What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over.
Howard: Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.)
Sheldon: Hey, sweet ride.
Howard: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: Just breaking in your new car.
Howard: Stop that. You stop that.
Sheldon: You know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served nude.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Raj: Hey, got a minute?
Sheldon: Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies.
Raj: Calm down. Howard has something he wants to say to you.
Howard: All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy bastard…
Raj: Howard, that’s not how we practiced it.
Howard: I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street.
Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don’t know what to say.
Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it.
Raj: Just say it.
Howard: You’re the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.
Scene: The cheesecake factory.
Howard: I’d like to propose a toast, to burying the hatchet.
Sheldon: To burying the hatchet.
Bernadette: You know, I’m kind of glad this happened.
Amy: Me, too. In some weird way, I kind of feel like it brought us closer.
Penny (with two black eyes and a plaster across her nose): Yeah, everybody’s happy, great.
Scene: A dry cleaners.
Shopkeeper: Can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.
Shopkeeper: A what?
Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?
Shopkeeper: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.
Shopkeeper: Tuesday okay?
Sheldon: Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.
Shopkeeper: Let me write you a ticket.
Sheldon: Is that your son?
Shopkeeper: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Looks like that laptop’s seen better days. If you’re interested, I’m selling this. It’s only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?
Leonard: Why would it trouble you? It’s, like, your third favourite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon: It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.
Howard and Raj (together): Turtle power!
Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: I can think of many things Spider-Man can’t do that a spider can. One, crawl in your ear and die. Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport. Three, have sex with a spider.
Raj: an we change the subject? Spiders give me the jeebie-jeebies.
Howard: It’s heebie-jeebies.
Raj: I know, but that sounds anti-Semitic. Anyway, I was thinking we could have a little film festival tonight. The theme, movies that killed their franchises.
Leonard: Oh. Like Jaws 4, Indiana Jones 4, Daredevil 1.
Raj: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I mean, you know a movie’s bad when my homegirl Sandy B can’t save it.
Leonard: Penny’s working tonight, I’m in.
Howard: Not me. I’m having dinner with Bernadette and her parents.
Leonard: Fun. We know how much you love that.
Howard: It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common.
Sheldon: You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.
Howard: Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law.
Sheldon: No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.
Howard: Great, thank you.
Sheldon: Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.
Raj: What about you, Sheldon? Do you have any plans tonight?
Sheldon: Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.
Leonard: That should lighten the mood.
Sheldon: What can I say? I put the fun in funeral.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh, right, funeral. (Knock, knock, knock) (solemnly) Amy.
Amy: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?
Amy: I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral.
Sheldon: You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.
Amy: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me?
Sheldon: Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.
Amy: But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.
Amy: Never mind. Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now let’s get this over with.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: So, how have you been?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Fine.
Howard: Good. Fine is good. How you liking retirement?
Mr. Rostenkowski: It’s fine.
Howard: I’m sensing a theme. You ever really think about the Spider-Man theme song? How’s that dinner coming?
Bernadette: I just put it in. It’s gonna be a while.
Howard: I like rare chicken. Let’s do this.
Bernadette: You could die.
Howard: Death by chicken. That’s a pretty fowl way to go.
Mrs. Rostenkowski: Here’s another beer, honey.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Thank you.
Howard: So, Mrs. Rostenkowski, you took that trip to the Grand Canyon. How was it?
Mrs. Rostenkowski: It was good.
Howard: Had no idea you were the chatty one.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: 102.2. Exactly what it was half an hour ago. It’s like you’re not even trying to get better.
Amy: Sheldon, you don’t get over the flu in half an hour.
Sheldon: Well, not with that attitude.
Amy: I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?
Amy: Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.
Sheldon: Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.
Amy: Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.
Sheldon: How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.
Amy: You, you want to rub something on my chest?
Sheldon: Yes. All over it.
Amy: Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon: Now you’re being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.
Amy: Oh, I’m counting on it.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Okay, dig in.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Hold up. Bless us, O Lord for these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Howard: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Bernadette: So, Dad, have you done any fishing lately?
Mr. Rostenkowski: I’m going next weekend.
Howard: Oh, you like to fish?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard: Sure. I can hear it in your voice.
Mrs. Rostenkowski: Oh, if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t go.
Howard: You know, I hadn’t thought of that. (To Bernadette, whispering) Help me.
Bernadette: Hey, Dad, maybe you could take Howard fishing sometime. Give you guys a chance to get to know each other better.
Howard: No, no. We know each other well enough. He’s been talking my ear off all night.
Bernadette: Howie, I think you’d have fun.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Fine, you can tag along.
Bernadette: Terrific. My two favorite fellas gone fishin’.
Howard: Well, hang on a second, Bernie. Next weekend, we have that thing.
Bernadette: What thing?
Howard: You know, the thing.
Bernadette: Oh, that thing. No, I cancelled that thing.
Mr. Rostenkowski: All right, it’s settled. You and I are going fishing.
Howard: Great. (To Bernadette) Thanks for the help.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: I’ve never even been fishing. This is gonna be a disaster.
Raj: If you don’t want to look foolish doing something, you should practice. Do you know how many Beef Wellingtons I made by myself before I invited you guys over? I’ll give you a hint. You can see them here, here and here.
Leonard: Raj is probably right. You should get someone to give you some pointers.
Howard: Do either of you guys know how to fish?
Leonard: No.
Raj: No. But if you catch anything, I know how to steam it in banana leaves.
Howard: Come on, we must know somebody who can do manly stuff like this.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: S’up?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Step one, worms.
Howard: Ew!
Penny: Okay, right there, ew is one of the things you’re not gonna want to say in front of your father-in-law. It’s right up there with icky and get it away. Now pick one up.
Howard: Really?
Penny: You’re gonna have to do it when you’re fishing.
Howard: Okay.
Penny: What are you waiting for?
Howard: I don’t know, for them to die of natural causes.
Penny: Just pick up a worm and put him on this hook.
Howard: Fine. There.
Leonard: I’m no expert, but I think the hook has to go through the worm.
Howard: Fine. Sorry, Mr. Worm. Sherm. Sherm the Worm.
Penny: Hey, don’t name him. Just jab a hook in his face.
Raj: You got this, buddy.
Leonard: Yeah, come on, Howard. Hook that worm.
Raj: You can do it.
Penny: That’s great. Cheerleading, way to man things up.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon (reading): And the control group displayed significantly fewer genetic abnormalities. But, because of flaws in the experimental design relating to environment and diet, they lived inconclusively ever after. The end.
Amy: That was great. Rub my chest again. (Knock at door)
Sheldon: No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)
Bernadette: How’s the poor thing?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.
Bernadette: Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts.
Sheldon: Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?
Amy: I don’t have a bath thermometer.
Sheldon: Fine. Then I’m going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.
Bernadette: This is a really good expectorant. Although some test subjects reported lactating uncontrollably when they heard music.
Amy: Okay, okay, here’s the deal. I don’t need your medicine. I’m not sick.
Bernadette: I don’t understand.
Amy: I got better two days ago. It’s just been so nice having Sheldon take care of me.
Bernadette: So you’ve just been lying to him?
Amy: See the stuff in my nose? Rubber cement.
Bernadette: I don’t mean to be judgy, but this is the kind of thing lunatics do.
Amy: All right. I’ll tell him.
Sheldon (off): Amy, would you be strong enough to bathe yourself, or do you need my help?
Amy: I’ll tell him tomorrow. Mama needs a bath.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Now, let’s assume, by some miracle, you actually catch a fish. You’re going to have to know how to gut it. So, what you’re going to do is you’re going to take your knife, slice him right up the belly. (Howard gags) You want me to stop?
Howard: No, I’m fine. Keep going.
Penny: All right. Now, you don’t want to cut too deep into its guts, or the blood will just squirt all over your face. (Howard, Leonard and Raj gag) Oh, my God. What is with you guys?
Leonard: It’s not our fault. Our dads never did anything like this with us.
Penny: What, never?
Leonard: My dad was an anthropologist. The only father-son time he spent was with a 2,000-year-old skeleton of an Etruscan boy. I hated that kid.
Raj: Mine just took me to his gynecology office. I got so bored, I’d put vaginal lubricant on the bottom of my shoes and pretend I was ice-skating.
Howard: Yeah, well, my quality father-son time was spending my adolescence looking out the window waiting for my dad to come back someday.
Raj: Yeah, okay, Howard wins.
Leonard: You know, maybe we didn’t have opportunities like this when we were growing up, but right now, there’s a dad that wants to take you on a fishing trip.
Howard: You’re right. Oh! I should do this.
Penny: Great. Here you go. What you’re going to do is you’re going to stick your thumb down its throat, grab the guts and pull.
Howard: Here we go. Oh!
Penny: Oh, look, it’s a female. You can see all the eggs. (All the guys gag)
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is dancing to “Walking on Sunshine”. Hears door and turns off stereo.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you’re back. Taking a turn for the worst. I think I’m going to need another bath.
Sheldon: I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.
Amy: Oh?
Sheldon: I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.
Amy: All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me.
Sheldon: It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.
Amy: I feel terrible I did this.
Sheldon: It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.
Amy: I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest?
Sheldon: In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.
Amy: I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie.
Sheldon: Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.
Amy: Are you saying you want to spank me?
Sheldon: I don’t want to. But it looks like you left me no choice.
Amy: That’s true. I’ve been a very bad girl.
Scene: Bernadette’s parents’ garage.
Howard: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to fish we go.
Mr. Rostenkowski: That’s what you’re wearing?
Howard: No good? The guy at the sporting goods store said these are what fishermen wear.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Maybe in cartoons.
Howard: Wish I had known that before I posted all those pictures on Facebook.
Mr. Rostenkowski: All right, let’s hit the road. I wouldn’t mind shooting some ducks in the morning.
Howard: Wait, now we’re shooting things?
Mr. Rostenkowski: I like using a big shell. You can’t eat them afterwards, but it’s fun watching them blow up.
Howard: Sir, I’m flattered that you invited me, and I really want you to like me, but I don’t think this trip is the way to do it. And I can’t return these things if there’s chunks of duck all over them.
Mr. Rostenkowski: So, why’d you agree to come?
Howard: ‘Cause Bernadette made me.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.
Howard: Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You’re a big, scary cop.
Mr. Rostenkowski: You’re an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she’s only four feet tall.
Howard: So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Ah. There’s an Indian casino near Palm Springs. You know how to shoot craps?
Howard: No, but I’m not a stranger to dice games. I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Mazel tov. I’ll teach you how to play.
Howard: Really? Thank you, sir.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Call me Mike.
Howard: Okay. Oh, boy, we’re just married to a couple of ballbusters, huh, Mike?
Mr. Rostenkowski: That’s my wife and daughter you’re talking about.
Howard: Great couple of gals.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I wouldn’t go that far.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Are you prepared to receive your punishment?
Amy: One second. I want to put on some music.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me.
Sheldon: Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.
Amy: Oh, my.
Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.
Amy: Then maybe you should spank me harder.
Sheldon: Maybe I will.
Amy: Ooh!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, now holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard: Look at that, I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You’re so butch.
Leonard: Aw, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did. Your hands are softer than veal.
Leonard: Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
Leonard: Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Penny: Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard: Little bit, yeah.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Oh, great! I’ve always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons.
Sheldon: Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.
Amy: By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?
Sheldon: Yeah, like a bunch of savages.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment. Bernadette is on the webcam.
Bernadette: Saturday night? But I’ve been working late all week. That was gonna be our night.
Howard: But I have to go. We play as a group. If-if I’m not there, then everyone will blame you. They’ll be all, Bernadette ruined everything. She’s the worst. So, you see? I have to play Dungeons and Dragons for the marriage.
Bernadette: You’re an idiot.
Howard: I’m your idiot. Forever.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: So, listen, I know we talked about getting a bite to eat in Silver Lake, and then seeing the Christmas lights in Griffith Park, but Leonard’s talking about a big D and D game at his place.
Stuart: Saturday night just went from crazy to epic. Woo-hoo!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.
Sheldon: A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas.
Stuart: What’s wrong with Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard:Pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon: Actually that helps, thank you.
Leonard: Would you just look inside?
Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.
Leonard: It’s actually ho, ho, ho, but you’ll get the hang of it. Thought it’d be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme.
Sheldon: Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.
Leonard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in the smoking remains of Santa’s village. Clearly, a great battle has taken place.
Raj: Oh, man, the first monster I see, I’m gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass.
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?
Leonard: Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?
Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.
Leonard: Fine. Howard, what do you do?
Howard: I follow the ogre tracks, checking for secret doors along the way.
Leonard: And you discover a secret door leading to a dark corridor.
Howard: Okay, guys, let’s make a plan, spell casters in the back, warriors in the front.
Raj: No, screw that noise, I’m going in. Hang on, Santa, I’m coming for you.
Leonard: Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.
Raj: But, a cannon? Am I really out of the game?
Sheldon: Lucky.
Leonard: Okay, come on, moving on.
Raj: Wait, doesn’t anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you’ve got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.
Penny (entering): Hey, guys. I don’t mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you’d like to see what you’re missing out on. So, Bernadette? Bernadette’s wearing leopard-print pumps and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21. And there’s Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I’m assuming is from Forever 63. And I, myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
Sheldon: I know they’re making a rhetorical point, I just don’t know what it is.
Penny: See you, boys. We are going drinking.
Raj: Uh, wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette: Sorry, Raj, it’s girls’ night out.
Amy: Maybe another time.
Leonard: Okay…
Penny: Come on.
Raj: Ooh! Girls’ night, girls’ night! Ooh! Ooh!
Stuart: How does he not hear that?
Scene: A bar.
Amy: So, what’s the plan? Are we gonna teach our fellas a lesson by getting stinking drunk, luring strange men into the bathroom, and turning the toilet stall into a temple of the senses?
Bernadette: No!
Penny: No!
Amy: Geez, who’s Forever 63 now?
Raj: Can we get another bottle of champagne for the table? Don’t worry. It’s my treat.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: Wow, you should come to girls’ night more often. And not just because if you weren’t here, this would be a can of Pabst.
Raj: My pleasure, nothing makes me happier than the chance to spoil a lady. Just ask my dog. My vet says if I give her any more foie gras, she’s going to die of gout.
Bernadette: Hey, let’s help Raj meet a girl tonight.
Raj: No, no, no, I’m fine.
Penny: Okay, wait, are we talking one-night stand or do we want to get him into a relationship?
Amy: Let’s get him laid!
Raj: Stop it. You’re ruining girls’ night.
Penny: Raj, you’re a great guy, you’re in a bar full of single women, let us help you.
Bernadette: Yeah, you’re a real catch. I know you’re shy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have someone wonderful in your life.
Raj: That’s sweet of you. But what can you do to help?
Bernadette: We’ll nose around, see if we can find a nice girl, and then introduce you.
Raj: Okay. Well, a couple of things. Don’t tell them I come from money. I want them to love me for me. They must be insanely hot. Like, nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj: Okay, an eight is acceptable if she’s willing to bring another eight to the hot tub.
Bernadette: Bottom line, you’ll take any woman who’ll have you, right?
Raj: In a New Delhi minute.
Scene: The apartment.
Stuart: I don’t remember you buying these miniatures in my store.
Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah. I got ’em on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure. I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard: I know, but when I shop online, I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.
Howard: Can we please move this along?
Leonard: Yeah, sorry. Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest.
Howard: Excuse me, I’m a married man now. I wasn’t going to say anything so juvenile.
Leonard: Great. What do you do?
Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go “blublublublublublublublu”
Sheldon: I open the chest.
Leonard: It’s locked, but suddenly the door behind you slams shut and now the walls of the room start closing in.
Stuart: That’s not good. My character and I both have claustrophobia.
Leonard: Glowing letters appear on the chest that read, If squashed to death you wish not to be, sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory.
Howard: Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?
Leonard: Walls are getting closer.
Stuart: Oh, boy, happy place, happy place.
Sheldon: Wait, Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia.
Leonard: You’re ten seconds away from getting crushed. Nine, eight.
Howard: What are we supposed to do?
Leonard: Seven, six.
Sheldon: Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.
Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.
Leonard: Three, two.
Stuart: Somebody sing the damn song.
Sheldon: Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even
Leonard: The walls are getting slower.
Sheldon: Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.
Leonard:The walls stop. You’re safe.
Howard: That was amazing, Sheldon.
Stuart: How did you know that?
Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.
Leonard: Okay, continuing our quest.
Sheldon: W-W-Wait. There’s still four more verses. You don’t sing a song and not finish it. Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know’st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost…
Scene: The bar.
Bernadette: Looks like he’s doing pretty good.
Penny: Of course he is. Look, that girl just got dumped by her boyfriend. She’s angry, she’s drunk, and her favorite movie is Slumdog Millionaire. I mean.
Amy: That is some low-hanging fruit.
Bernadette: Oh, here he comes.
Penny: So, how’d it go?
Raj: Great. I bought her a couple of drinks, and she gave me her e-mail address.
Penny: Ooh!
Bernadette: Jennifer at not-even-if-you-were-the-last-guy-on-earth dot loser.
Raj: What?
Bernadette: I’m sorry, Raj.
Raj: Why can’t I find someone? I’m smart, I’ve got a cool job, and my naturally bronzed complexion means I can pull off mustard yellow in a way most guys can’t.
Penny: Oh, honey, it’s not you, it’s them.
Raj: No, it’s not. She was too beautiful for me.
Bernadette: Why would you say that?
Raj: It’s true. I’m always attracted to women I can’t have. I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.
Amy: The two of them? I don’t understand.
Raj: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me, too, because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me. But apparently I misread those signals.
Amy: And you liked Bernadette also?
Raj: That was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends’ girlfriends at a time. I’m very old-fashioned that way.
Amy: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette: Think harder.
Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is still singing.
Sheldon: Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum.
Howard: Done?
Sheldon: I think the word you’re looking for is bravo.
Leonard: Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen.
Sheldon: Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?
Leonard: I don’t know. What’s the difference?
Sheldon: Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.
Leonard: Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water.
Sheldon: What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?
Leonard: You see those, too.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s like I’m really there.
Stuart: I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I’ve had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
Howard: Good story.
Leonard: What are you drinking there? A little eggnog?
Sheldon: Yes. What, is there a problem?
Leonard: No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy.
Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you’ve got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You’re getting a little Yuletide spirit.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you?
Leonard: Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I’m tired of you sucking the joy out of them now.
Stuart: What was so bad about them?
Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn’t amazing. I got a C-minus four years in a row.
Sheldon: Yeah, I’m familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.
Scene: The bar.
Raj: Amy, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.
Amy: It’s fine. I’m used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn’t have my first kiss till I was 22, and the guy only did it so I’d give him back his insulin.
Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.
Amy: Forget it. I don’t expect you guys to understand.
Raj: I understand. In seventh grade, I played Spin the Bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me.
Amy: You think that’s bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.
Raj: Sometimes I get so lonely, I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I’m holding hands with another person.
Amy: I do that, too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.
Raj: It’s kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone.
Amy: It is, isn’t it?
Raj: But you’re not alone anymore. Now you’ve got Sheldon.
Amy: I do. And don’t worry, someday you’ll have somebody, too.
Raj: Thank you. I hope she’s half as lovely and amazing as you are.
Amy: Thank you, Rajesh. He wants me, I’m good. We can go now.
Raj: Damn it.
Penny: What?
Raj: Now that I know she doesn’t like me, I’m kind of into her.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing numbers on a whiteboard.
Sheldon: All right. I think I cracked the code to lower the drawbridge.
Howard: Great. Let’s do it. (They pick up bells and play according to the numbers. The tune is Jingle Bells)
Leonard: The drawbridge is lowering.
Stuart: My carpal tunnel’s acting up.
Sheldon: Play through the pain.
Leonard: You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me.
Howard: Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.
Stuart: I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him.
Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Howard: Wait, what are you doing?
Sheldon: You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?
Leonard: Uh, okay.
Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
Leonard: This is weird, right?
Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn’t bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain’t one of ’em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.
Scene: The apartment, late at night.
Sheldon: Santa?
Santa: Oh, hello, Sheldon. You should be asleep.
Sheldon: Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots.
Santa: Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them.
Sheldon: I understand.
Santa: But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes.
Sheldon: Oh, I hope it’s a train.
Santa: Oh, it’s better than a train.
Sheldon: Two trains?
Santa: Better.
Sheldon: I’m getting three trains.
Santa: Okay, open ’em. (It’s a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!
Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense…
Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork. (Fires cannon)
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was sceptical.
Leonard: I can’t blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.
Sheldon: No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.
Leonard: What recordings?
Sheldon: Well, you remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that, like most things I say, it’s probably pure gold. So I started recording it all, and now Alex gets to comb through eight hours of what I like to call Sheldon After Dark.
Alex: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey. Just playing a little Giant Jenga here.
Alex: Oh, I know, I’m the one who had to buy him the helmet. So, do you have any plans this weekend?
Leonard: Well, most of Saturday’s gonna be figuring out where to put this game when we’re done. How about you?
Alex: Oh, I’m gonna go see Kip Thorne give a lecture on subatomic space-time.
Leonard: Ooh. That’s his take on John Wheeler’s quantum foam. That should be great.
Alex: Well, if you want, you can come with me.
Leonard: Ah, I’d love to, but I’m supposed to hang out with Penny.
Alex: Well, bring her.
Leonard: Well, she’s not really into that kind of stuff.
Alex: Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.
Leonard (jumping and knocking over the Jenga): What?
Sheldon: Jenga, I win!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Oh, come on, that can’t be true.
Raj: I did the research. Tony the Tiger, Dig’em the Frog, Cap’n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Count Chocula, Trix the Rabbit, Snap, Crackle and Pop. Not one cereal mascot is a girl. It’s a total breakfast sausage fest.
Leonard: Are we done with this?
Raj: Almost. Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Sugar Bear and the Honey Nut Cheerio bee, I believe his name is Buzz.
Leonard: Terrific. Something weird happened and I don’t know what to do about it.
Howard: What’s going on?
Leonard: Sheldon’s assistant asked me on a date last night.
Raj: How could you do that to me? You know I’ve been working it with Alex for weeks.
Leonard: Working it? You can’t even talk to her.
Raj: I talk with my eyes.
Howard: You look like my little cousin when he’s dropping one in his diaper.
Leonard: She knows I have a girlfriend. It’s so weird.
Raj: Oh, my God. You’re loving this.
Leonard: To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.
Raj: I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again.
Sheldon: Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning?
Raj: Leonard stole my woman, and he knew full well I was only six to eight months away from making my move.
Leonard: I didn’t steal anyone.
Raj: Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it.
Sheldon: Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.
Leonard: I’m androgynous?
Sheldon: Oh, please. Look at you with your pouty bee-stung lips.
Leonard: What do you guys think I should do?
Raj: I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.
Penny: What is happening?
Sheldon: I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.
Bernadette: Who’s involved?
Sheldon: Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.
Penny: You’re talking about Leonard.
Sheldon: No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.
Amy: It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it?
Sheldon: No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.
Penny: Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex?
Sheldon: No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?
Penny: Fine. Ricardo and Tondelaya.
Sheldon: Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things.
Penny: I’m gonna kill her.
Bernadette: I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.
Amy: She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower.
Sheldon: Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.
Penny: We know what’s going on, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Well, what should I do?
Bernadette: Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.
Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six.
Penny: What? He’s loving it?
Bernadette: Sheldon, you need to talk to Alex right away.
Sheldon: Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?
Alex: I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to?
Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it?
Alex: Is there a problem?
Sheldon: Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.
Alex: What did I do?
Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
Alex: What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody.
Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex: What?
Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.
Alex: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.
Alex: I have to go.
Sheldon: So does this fellow, but he can’t without it burning like hot soup.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Hey, pretty lady.
Penny: Oh, you seem extra happy.
Leonard: Uh, I guess I am.
Penny: Any particular reason why?
Leonard: I don’t know, just having a good day. This morning Sheldon fell asleep on the way to work, so I got to listen to the radio. That was pretty crazy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Anything else?
Leonard: Mm. I found this quiz online called Which Star Trek Character Are You? and it only took me four tries to get Captain Kirk.
Penny: That’s great.
Leonard: Oh. It. Was.
Penny: Hmm. Well, I’m glad you’re having such a great day.
Leonard: Yeah. And the one thing that could make it even better is an evening with my special girl.
Penny: Oh, and who’s that?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Penny: Oh, I just didn’t know if you meant me or Alex.
Leonard: Um, why would I mean Alex?
Penny: Because I know she hit on you and I know you liked it.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!
Leonard: I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.
Leonard: At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend.
Sheldon: Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.
Leonard: Oh, my God, what did you do?
Sheldon: Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I’m a delight.
Scene: The Human Resources Department.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department.
HR Woman: Come in.
Sheldon: Hello.
HR Woman: Ah, Dr. Cooper, have a seat.
Sheldon: Thank you.
HR Woman: I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.
Sheldon: So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.
HR Woman: Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace.
Sheldon: Like what?
HR Woman: Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it.
Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.
HR Woman: I’m a what?
Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…
HR Woman: Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.
Sheldon: I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.
HR Woman (writing): Hofstadter… Wolowitz… and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?
Sheldon: Yes. No, yeah, but in his defense, that wasn’t racist. He’s also brown.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.
Leonard (singing): I’m sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I’m sorry Alex hit on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
Penny: Oh, damn it, you are.
Leonard: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny: I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn’t have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard: You do that?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard: No, I’m not happy.
Penny: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny: Well, I do.
Leonard: Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.
Penny: Good.
Leonard: Come here. Tell you a secret?
Penny: What’s that?
Leonard: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell you a secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we’re all gonna stop.
Leonard: Message received. Ah, excuse me. (Answering phone) Hello. This is Dr. Hofstadter. Okay. All right, thank you. That’s weird. I’m getting called in to Human Resources.
Penny: What did you do?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Huh. I just got called in to Human Resources.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: I don’t know.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Huh. That is so strange. Human Resources wants to talk to me tomorrow. (To his dog) Could you stop licking your ass for two minutes? I have a problem here.
Scene: Human Resources department.
Howard: Do you really think you should be drinking right now?
Raj: How else am I supposed to talk to the Human Resources lady?
Howard: I don’t know. Seek professional help?
Raj: I did. The guy at the liquor store said this stuff tastes great in coffee.
Howard: Wait, you got called in, too? What is going on?
Leonard: Sheldon threw us all under the bus.
Howard: Oh.
Raj: I feel like I’ve been called down to the principal’s office. Although I wouldn’t mind if Brown Sugar suspended me. From a sex swing. This may have been a mistake.
Howard: Relax. Everything’s gonna be fine. Before I met Bernadette I was in here every other day. Uh, little tip, turn off your I Like Big Butts ringtone before you go in.
Raj: Well, this is all your fault.
Leonard: How is this my fault?
Raj: If you weren’t screwing around with Sheldon’s assistant, none of this would be happening.
Leonard: I wasn’t screwing around with anyone.
Raj: Oh, of course not. She was just sniffing around your goods because she was hunting for truffles.
HR Woman: Ah, Mr. Wolowitz, it’s been a while.
Howard: Hey, Janine. How are Tom and the kids?
Janine: Fine. You must be Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Yes, but I think this is all a big misunderstanding.
Raj: Yeah, yeah, me, too. I didn’t do anything.
Janine: Is that alcohol on your breath?
Raj: Howard built a sex robot.
Howard: That is not true. All I did was build a robot.
Janine: Did it have six breasts?
Howard: I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has.
Sheldon: Well, hello.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.
Janine: And I’m a little busy right now.
Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.
Janine: And who was that?
Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.
Janine: That’s it. All of you, in my office now!
Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.
Alex: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.
Alex: Okay.
Sheldon: Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I’m gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you’d better ace it, they’re pretty mad.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, hey, I was thinking about that stuff with Alex.
Leonard: Oh, would you stop worrying about that?
Penny: I can’t help it. But, look, I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalogue at school and looked at some of the science classes.
Leonard: That’s great.
Penny: No, it isn’t, they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself, like, every day? Anyway, I decided I don’t need to be a scientist, I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Leonard: Glasses? I really don’t think that’s gonna change… oh, my God, you look so smart and hot.
Penny: I know, right? Watch this. Molecules.
Leonard: Okay, come with me.
Penny: Where are we going?
Leonard: To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is steaming a Star Trek uniform.
Leonard: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?
Sheldon: Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost.
Penny: Hi. Here are the make-up sponges you asked for.
Leonard: Oh, thanks, I thought I had more.
Penny: Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.
Leonard: Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn’t share with his girlfriend.
Sheldon: That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place.
Penny: I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
Leonard: That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
Penny: Is that better?
Leonard: Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.
Penny: Well, then why are you going?
Sheldon: It’s a comic book convention. You know, it’s like pizza or particle accelerators, even the stinky one’s still pretty good.
Penny: All right. Well, you guys have fun. I guess I’ll see you Sunday night.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Oh, hang on a second. (Hands her the day’s newspaper) Hold this. (Photographs the two of them together)
Penny: What was that for?
Leonard: To show people when they don’t believe me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: Oh, this is the best. You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday, you got a problem. You do it on the weekend, you got brunch.
Amy: Sheldon doesn’t believe in brunch. He can’t stand being at a table where one person’s having an omelette and another person’s having a sandwich.
Bernadette: He’s not exhausting at all.
Penny (receiving text): Oh. It’s Leonard. He says they’re on the road and headed for Bakersfield at warp speed. Maybe it’s the mimosa, but I’m gonna give the kid an LOL.
Bernadette: It’s cute how excited they are. You should have seen Howard sewing his costume all week for the convention.
Amy: When did Howard learn to sew?
Bernadette: When he was a little boy, every couple months, he would have to let his mom’s pants out.
Amy: I don’t even understand why they go to these conventions.
Penny: I know. The four of them work at a major university. They’re all super smart. How can they still be into something made for 12-year-olds?
Bernadette: I don’t mind it. I think Howie’s just in touch with his inner child. Although when he comes to bed in his Batman pyjamas, sometimes it feels like I’m touching his inner child.
Amy: It’s probably because they were bullied growing up. In a world where you can’t fight back, superheroes provide meaningful wish-fulfillment.
Penny: Mmmm. Now I feel bad for picking on all those kids. Although, in my defence, if Danny Biffle didn’t want to eat a mouthful of dirt, he shouldn’t have shown up to school wearing a bow tie.
Bernadette: I’ve never even read a comic book. You guys?
Penny: Uh-uh.
Amy: No.
Bernadette: I mean, it’s such an important part of their lives. Maybe we should try reading some.
Amy: Seriously?
Bernadette: The comic book store isn’t far from here.
Penny: That is an amazing idea. Okay, how many of these have I had?
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: I think you should turn on the GPS.
Leonard: It is on.
Sheldon: But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.
Howard: Has it really only been ten miles?
Leonard: I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.
GPS (in Sheldon’s voice): Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210.
Sheldon: Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.
Leonard: What did you do?
Sheldon: I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.
Raj: That is so cool.
Leonard: Counterpoint, no, it’s not.
GPS: Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: Shh, he said it’s interesting.
GPS: Interstates are numbered as follows. Even-numbered routes run east and west, odd-numbered routes run north and south. Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs.
Howard: Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.
Raj: You know, we’re not that far from Vazquez Rocks.
Sheldon: Oh, they shot a lot of Star Trek episodes out there.
Howard: We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot.
Raj: Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.
Leonard: Yeah, that sounds fun.
Sheldon: Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.
GPS: Recalculating. While we’re waiting, do you know which president signed the Intestate Highway System Act into law? The answer, coming up in 14 miles.
Sheldon: None of you will get it. It’s Eisenhower.
Scene: The comic book store.
Bernadette: Why are they staring?
Amy: Who cares? Just soak it in. Hello, boys.
Stuart: Oh, hey. Could you please stop staring? They’re just girls. It’s nothing you haven’t seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: What brings you guys here?
Bernadette: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart: Oh, well, I recommend you don’t open a store and sell them.
Penny: No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we’d give it a try.
Stuart: Oh, okay. What do you think you might be into? Superhero, fantasy, graphic novels, manga… I swear I will turn a hose on you.
Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy: All right, well, who’s the best superhero?
Stuart: Shh! You can’t ask a question like that in here. Are you trying to start a rumble?
Penny: Well then, what do you recommend?
Stuart: Well, uh, let’s see. You’ve got your basic clean-cut good guys, Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America. Then you have your darker anti-heroes, your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy: Ooh, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.
Stuart: If I were you, I’d go for Fables number one. The artwork is sophisticated, it’s intelligently written, and it doesn’t objectify or stereotype women.
Penny: Ooh, Thor! He’s hot.
Stuart: Yeah, he kind of is.
Scene: Vasquez Rocks. Sheldon, dressed as Data, is having his makeup put on by Raj, dressed as Worf.
Raj: And we’re blending, and we’re blending, and we’re done.
Sheldon: I know Mr. Data isn’t supposed to smile, but here it comes.
Howard (dressed as a Borg): Come on, guys. Let’s do this.
Leonard (dressed as Captain Picard): Yeah, I’m sweating my bald cap off.
Howard: So what’s our first pose going to be?
Raj: I say we begin with a classic Star Trek fight scene.
Leonard: I’ll set the timer.
Howard: Sheldon, how is that a fight pose?
Sheldon: Mr. Data’s weapon is his mind. I’m wielding it.
Raj: Phasers on the Borg! Charlie’s Angels.
Howard: Okay, what’s next?
Raj: Now let’s do some sexy glamour shots. I’ll set the mood. (Rhythmically) Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, Yeah, nice one, oontz, oontz. That’s right. Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz…
Howard: Oh, my God. Leonard, someone’s stealing your car!
Leonard: What? Hey, hey! Come back here!
Raj: Stop!
Sheldon: Stealing is against the law!
Leonard: I don’t believe this.
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Raj: I’ll call 911. What, oh, no, my phone is in my other pants.
Howard: Oh, so is mine.
Leonard: Mine, too. Anybody got any ideas?
Sheldon: Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.
Scene: The side of the road.
Leonard: What kind of a person steals another person’s car in broad daylight?
Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?
Leonard: I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali’s fault.
Sheldon: You’re right. Nice going.
Howard: Car.
Raj: What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop?
Sheldon: Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?
Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We’re the crazy people.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence.
Howard: Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?
Leonard: Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby.
Sheldon: What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: All right.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hmm, okay, I’m done. How did you guys finish so fast?
Bernadette: I don’t know, there were a lot of pictures, and one page only had the word brakkadoom!
Penny: Yeah, well, I have street smarts.
Bernadette: So, what’d you guys think?
Amy: Well, there was a lot of action.
Penny: Mmm.
Amy: And the story moved along at a brisk pace. It was, overall, what’s the word I’m looking for?
Penny: Stupid?
Amy: So stupid.
Penny: I don’t know how Leonard can get so caught up in this.
Bernadette: It’s crazy, they spend hours arguing about things that don’t even exist.
Amy: What a waste of time.
Penny: I know. A hammer so heavy that no one else can pick it up?
Bernadette: I don’t think it’s heavy. It’s some sort of magic, so only Thor can lift it.
Penny: That makes even less sense, I mean…
Amy: No, no, no, it doesn’t. Thor is a god. The hammer is his, only he can use it. It’s like Sheldon and his toothbrush. Or his thin, beckoning lips.
Penny: Okay, hang on, what if Thor’s hand is on the hammer? I mean, if he’s touching it with his god magic, does that mean I could lift it?
Bernadette: No.
Amy: Yes.
Penny: Well, which is it?
Amy: Maybe we missed something.
Bernadette: Let’s read it again.
Penny: Okay.
Amy: Yeah.
Bernadette: You want some tea?
Amy: Good idea. I’ll help you.
Penny: Wait, I thought we were reading.
Amy: We are. We’re just, uh, giving you a head start.
Scene: The desert.
Howard: I wish my mom was here. We could all hang out in her shadow.
Raj: Wool pants in the desert. I feel like I’ve got poached testicles.
Leonard: Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen.
Raj: Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.
Leonard: Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood.
Sheldon: Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…
Guys in Passing Car (throwing a drink over Sheldon): Nerds!
Sheldon: I hate this planet.
Scene: Penny’s Apartment.
Amy: It says right here on the hammer, whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.
Bernadette: Hold on, who decides who’s worthy? Does the hammer decide?
Penny: Yes!
Amy: No! It can’t decide. It’s a hammer.
Penny: You said it’s a magic hammer.
Amy: Yeah, but, it can’t make decisions.
Penny: If Harry Potter’s wand can make decisions, why can’t Thor’s hammer?
Amy: Okay, if you’re going to start comparing wands and hammers, I can’t even take you seriously.
Scene: A diner.
Sheldon: Hello. Hello. Uh, uh, uh, four glasses of water, please. Anything for you guys?
Leonard: Can I use your phone? Our car got stolen.
Waitress: Why don’t you ask Scotty to beam you up?
Sheldon: Scotty was on the original series, and we’re Next Generation. So, joke’s on you.
Howard: We’re not with him.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: You can’t pick something up in outer space. In space, there is no up.
Penny: Oh, yeah? Then how does the sun come up every day?
Amy: Hard to argue with those kind of street smarts.
Bernadette: Leonard and Sheldon have boxes of comics across the hall. Why don’t we go look at those?
Penny: Oh, great. Yes. And then you will see, I am not wrong, because if we were in outer space, then anyone could pick up the hammer because it would be floating around in a weightless environment. Yeah, that’s right, the slow reader used science. Suck on that.
Scene: The diner.
Policeman: Was there anything valuable in the car?
Leonard: Our clothes, our wallets, phones.
Raj: And about three hundred dollars worth of makeup, so this thief could look like anyone right now.
Policeman: Makeup? Sure.
Leonard: Uh, we’re going to the Comic-Con in Bakersfield. They have a big costume contest. It’s cooler than it sounds.
Policeman: I don’t know, sounds pretty cool.
Raj: It, it is. It’s not just comic books. They’ve got action figures, toys, a Tron-themed dance party.
Leonard: Okay, he gets how cool it is.
Policeman: I think I have all I need here. You guys need me to call someone? I’m guessing your moms?
Leonard: Thanks, but we’ve got it covered.
Howard: Okay, I just talked to my mom. She arranged for us to get a rental car.
Raj: Great. We can still make it to Comic-Con.
Leonard: Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through, I just want to go home.
Raj: Don’t be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him.
Howard: I’m with Leonard. I’m done.
Raj: Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide?
Sheldon: Actually, it’s three against one.
Raj: What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re an imaginary landing party who had real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we’re idiots. And to tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel like one. I want to go home now.
Raj: Okay. Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise? Get it? Enterprise? Screw you. That’s funny.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Well, what if the Hulk picked up Thor while Thor is holding the hammer?
Amy: Yeah?
Bernadette: Then by the transitive property of picking things up, Hulk picked up the hammer.
Amy: No. Hulk picked up Thor, Thor picked up the hammer.
Penny: Okay, hang on. If I go to a bar and pick up a guy, and he picks up a girl, and then we all leave together, did I pick up the girl?
Amy: Did that ever happen?
Penny: Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Well, I say that’s the last time we ever go outside.
Amy (off): Look, right here. Red Hulk is picking up Thor’s hammer ’cause Thor’s touching it.
Penny (off): No, it’s because they’re in space. He’s really just touching the strap.
Amy(off): The strap is part of the hammer.
Bernadette (off): No, it’s not!
Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books?
Leonard: No, that can’t be right.
Howard: Maybe Thor’s Hammer is a new colour of nail polish.
Bernadette (off): Then Red Hulk must be worthy.
Penny (off): How could Red Hulk be worthy?
Bernadette (off): You don’t know his life.
Sheldon: There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.
Raj: If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party.
Sheldon: Captain, what are your orders?
Leonard: I say we investigate.
Sheldon: Wait. They might be hostile.
Leonard: Fine, but set them to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I’ll never find a girlfriend that pretty again.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
GPS: Fun fact, President Eisenhower signed the Federal Aid Highway Act from his hospital room.
First Car Thief: Wow, that is interesting.
Second Car Thief: You learn something new every day.
GPS: Say, can you name the four state capitols that are not served by the interstate system?
First Car Thief: Ooh, another quiz.
Second Car Thief: Yes!
Scene: The Apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold.
Sheldon: I’ll eat later. Right now, I’m suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics.
Penny: It’s hot when Sheldon talks dirty.
Raj: So, I found this Web site where you send them pictures, they sculpt your head and make an action figure out of you. How awesome is that?
Howard: Let me see.
Raj: Yeah, you can pick your wardrobe. You can even choose your accessories.
Howard: Leonard, you can get a little asthma inhaler.
Leonard: Oh, this is neat. Think about all the action figures we’ve bought over the years. It would be kind of cool to have ones that look like us. Don’t you think?
Penny: Yeah, if that’s your idea of what’s cool, you should get one.
Leonard: Yeah, so, I’m out.
Raj: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?
Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Don’t waste my time.
Leonard: You get that these are personalised action figures.
Penny: Honey, if you want one, just get one.
Howard: You’re still out, right?
Leonard: Yep.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!
Kripke: Cooper?
Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board.
Kripke: What’s that?
Sheldon: That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?
Kripke: I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal.
Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.
Kripke: No, they’re making us work together.
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn’t even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Leonard: Hmm. Kind of a strange place to put a picture of you and Bernadette.
Howard: Well, I wanted everybody to know I love my wife. And nobody to know I forgot to turn off the laser.
Raj: They’re here. Our action figures have arrived. This is the best five hundred dollars I’ve ever spent.
Leonard: A thousand dollars on action figures? How can you afford that?
Howard: Easy. His family’s loaded, and Bernadette has a great job. My wife came with both fun bags and money bags.
Raj: Say hello to an exact scale model of me. Oh, I’m not dark chocolate. I’m melt-in-your-mouth caramel.
Howard: Oh, man. Look at my nose.
Leonard: Maybe it’s a shipping problem.
Howard: What?
Leonard: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
Raj: This sucks.
Howard: I can’t believe I wasted all that money.
Leonard: Aw, and my girlfriend wouldn’t let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits.
Leonard: Well, sometimes there’s a secret ending, like in The Avengers.
Penny: Yeah, but I don’t think that’s going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust.
Leonard: They could show bloopers. Oh, no.
Penny: What is that?
Leonard: That is Sheldon’s “I’m unhappy and about to destroy the planet” music. Come on, let’s just go to your place.
Penny: Well, wait, if he’s unhappy,shouldn’t we talk to him?
Leonard: Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?
Penny (entering apartment): You doing okay, sweetie?
Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.
Leonard: Want me to make you some tea?
Sheldon: Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.
Leonard: So, cocoa?
Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?
Leonard: Oh, teacher! Me! Me!
Sheldon: See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair.
Penny: What beverage do you make for that?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?
Sheldon: Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Kripke: What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago.
Sheldon: And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.
Kripke: We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours.
Sheldon: Why don’t you show me yours first.
Kripke: You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time.
Sheldon: How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?
Kripke: How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine?
Sheldon: Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.
Kripke: Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow?
Sheldon: Fine.
Kripke: Nice twy. This is bwank paper.
Sheldon: And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.
Kripke: Cough it up, Cooper.
Sheldon: Very well.
Kripke: If this one’s bwank, too, I’m going to be fuwious.
Sheldon: Fine.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Raj: You! Always bet on black.
Howard: Get that waste of money out of my face.
Raj: It’s only a waste of money if we don’t play with them. (As doll) He’s right, dawg.
Howard: Please, I’m working.
Raj: You know, there is a way we can get action figures to look exactly like us.
Howard: Oh, yeah? How’s that?
Raj: Two words, 3-D printer. Wait, maybe it’s three words. No, hang on. Okay, one word, a letter and a number and maybe a hyphen. 3-D printer.
Howard: I have always wanted a 3-D printer.
Raj: Of course you have. They’re an engineer’s dream. Anything you can design, a 3-D printer can make out of plastic.
Howard: Yeah, but they’re so expensive.
Raj: Oh, come on. You deserve one. You’ve worked hard to find a woman who makes a lot of money.
Howard: Well, the prices have been coming down.
Raj: Oh, true. They’re practically giving them away. You know, in exchange for money.
Howard: And we can make stuff we need for work with it. Prototypes of my CAD/CAM designs, specialized tools…
Raj: Not to mention Malibu Koothrappali and his totally bitchin’ dream house.
Howard: We don’t need Malibu Koothrappali’s dream house.
Raj: Really, smart guy? Where’s he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy:The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Amy: All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Sheldon, what’s going on?
Sheldon: I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.
Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
Sheldon: What do we have to lose?
Amy: How’s that?
Sheldon: I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’re going to be late.
Sheldon: I can’t go in today. I’m sick.
Leonard: You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke.
Sheldon: No, look.
Leonard: 128.
Sheldon: See?
Leonard: What did you do, put this in your tea?
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.
Leonard: Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.
Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work.
Sheldon: All right, geez. What a grouch.
Leonard: How did I do that? I got to remember how I did that.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Howard: Do you realize, by owning a 3-D printer, we are reclaiming the manufacturing process and taking jobs back from sweatshops in China?
Raj: I think this thing was made in China.
Howard: Eh, what can you do?
Raj: Ooh, I, I think it’s done. Oh, it worked. We printed a whistle.
Howard: Amazing. You realize these things go for 25 cents a pop at a party store.
Raj: And we made it in only three hours. Sounds just like store-bought.
Howard: Okay, give me a superhero pose, and I will scan you into the computer for your action figure.
Raj: Oh, I wish I was in better shape.
Howard: Stop holding your stomach in. I’ll give you a six-pack with the computer.
Raj: Oh, okay, great. Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
Howard: All right, you can suck it in a little bit.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Kripke: Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be.
Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.
Kripke: Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is.
Sheldon: We do?
Kripke: You have a girlfwiend.
Sheldon: So?
Kripke: So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time.
Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.
Kripke: You wucky bastard.
Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.
Kripke: Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we’re gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus.
Sheldon: I’ll do what I can. But it’s not going to be easy, because when I’m with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Oh, good, you’re home. Got a little surprise for you.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: Say hello to my little friend.
Bernadette: Oh, my God. That’s so cute. I didn’t think there could be a smaller version of you.
Howard: I know, right? And, thanks to photographs and a little 3-D modeling, here comes the bride.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie, I love these.
Howard: I thought you might.
Bernadette: Were they expensive?
Howard: Didn’t cost a thing. I made them myself.
Bernadette: How?
Howard: Koothrappali and I bought a used 3-D printer for $5,000.
Bernadette: $5,000 for a couple of dolls? Are you out of your mind?
Howard: Not just for a couple of dolls. For as many dolls as we want. And whistles.
Bernadette: At any point, did it dawn on you to talk to me about spending this kind of money?
Howard: It’s kind of dawning on me now.
Bernadette: I don’t believe you. Howie, we can’t afford to waste money on junk like this.
Howard: What are you talking about? We make plenty of money.
Bernadette: I make plenty of money. You make peanuts.
Howard: Yes, but we’re married now. That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how love works.
Bernadette: No, here’s how love works. You’re gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: All right, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just tell Kripke the truth?
Sheldon: Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive.
Leonard: Is my coitus whimsically inventive?
Penny: That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.
Penny: Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Of course.
Penny: You ever going to sleep with Amy?
Sheldon: That’s awfully personal.
Leonard: We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don’t, I do. What’s the deal?
Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard: All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.
Penny: Then what’s the problem?
Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable.
Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?
Sheldon: It’s a possibility.
Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I’m really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon: Fine.
Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God!
Leonard: Ow!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Are you sure you want to do this? Give up your half of the 3-D printer?
Howard: Yes. And can you please make that out to Bernadette? I was taken off the joint account until I learn the value of money.
Raj: Wow, that’s harsh.
Howard: Tell me about it.
Raj: Aren’t you gonna eat lunch?
Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it’s certainly not elegant.
Kripke: Whatever. You get any wast night?
Sheldon: Yes.
Kripke: Gave it to her good, huh?
Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…
Kripke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie?
Sheldon: I didn’t notice.
Kripke: How could you not notice?
Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.
Kripke: Ah, you’re kiwing me, Cooper!
Sheldon: Can we get back to work?
Kripke: Sure, sure, sure. You guys ever use any toys?
Sheldon: Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed.
Kripke: A wocket? You’we a fweak! I wove it!
Scene: The apartment
Leonard: I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.
Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.
Leonard: Why would you say that?
Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.
Leonard: That was a huge spoiler.
Sheldon: Good.
Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.
Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
Leonard: Hissy fits? I have hissy fits?
Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.
Leonard: You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating.
Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.
Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.
Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.
Leonard: That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this.
Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.
Leonard: Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement.
Sheldon: You pick that up right now.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.
Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard.
Sheldon: Crazy bastard?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Dobby the elf dies in book seven.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Here you go.
Howard: Great. Come on in.
Raj: What, you don’t say thank you?
Howard: It’s my suitcase. I lent it to you two years ago.
Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle. So, is everyone from Bernadette’s company going to Vegas?
Howard: No, just me, her and a couple of the big wigs. It’s part of a bonus she got.
Raj: Cool. Did she discover a cure for something?
Howard: Not exactly. They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?
Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie’s idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.
Howard: Hey, I got a favour to ask.
Raj: Sure.
Howard: My mom’s been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There’s nothing funny about morbid obesity.
Howard: She’s huge. It was funny. Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe you could check in on her tomorrow night and make sure she’s doing okay.
Raj: Dude, I’m a single man. Saturday night is my party night.
Howard: Really? What do you got going on?
Raj: I don’t know, maybe drive down to Hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if I can get lucky.
Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callender’s, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot.
Raj:What time should I be at your mother’s?
Howard: I told her around seven.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
Leonard: Well, I’ve had it. I am done. I can’t, I can’t live with him for one more minute.
Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?
Leonard: I was thinking here with you.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: That a problem?
Penny: No, not at all. No, it’s, it’s great. It’s terrific. I, you know, I just can’t help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how’s he going to get by without you? Ernie.
Leonard: He’s got Amy now.
Penny: Yeah, he does, but it’s not the same.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Um, well, um, all right. You, you know how in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Ron didn’t abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron’s sister?
Leonard: Harry and Ginny get together?
Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert. My point is, as much as I want to live with you, I can’t do it knowing how much Sheldon needs you.
Leonard: Please, the only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his, his stooge, his doormat.
Penny: Well, you know what they say, if it ain’t broke.
Leonard: Wow. It sounds to me like you don’t want us to live together.
Penny: No. No, no, I do. I do. It’s just, I mean, it’s a really big step.
Leonard: Is it? We’re together all the time. Financially, it makes great sense. Can you think of one reason why we shouldn’t do this?
Penny: Well, um, I’m just a little thirsty.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: I got nothing.
Leonard: Great. I’ll go get my stuff.
Penny: Yeah. Okay, all right, don’t freak out. You can make this work.
Leonard: Oh, could you clear off a shelf for me in the bathroom? I take a lot of medicine.
Penny: Oh, please let some of it be Xanax.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you ready for dessert?
Raj: No, thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz. As it is, I’m going to have to carry my stomach out of here like I’m a fireman rescuing an infant.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, please. You’re a tall glass of brown water. Have dessert.
Raj: Well, I, I really couldn’t. But, uh, I’ve had a lovely time eating your brisket and hearing about the things you’ve had removed from your body over the years. Didn’t know you could have a cyst inside another cyst.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls. Well, if you have to go, how about I put a little doggie bag together for you?
Raj: That would be lovely. Thank you. (Sound of crying) Mrs. Wolowitz, uh, are you okay?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t mind me. I just cry when I’m lonely and have nothing to live for.
Raj: I, uh, I suppose I could stay for some dessert.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Great. You like chocolate chip cheesecake?
Raj: Sure.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’ll make one.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy: Children’s toy.
Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy: Children’s toy.
Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.
Amy: So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward?
Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog-boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.
Amy: Great. Here I am!
Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?
Amy: Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: Tell me one reason why this isn’t a fantastic idea.
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.
Sheldon: Um…
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.
Leonard: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.
Leonard: Cut to the chase, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.
Penny: Hey. What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in with him.
Penny: Really? Interesting.
Leonard: Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?
Penny: It’s like the happiness won’t ever leave the apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for.
Penny: Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine.
Leonard: Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.
Penny: Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.
Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.
Penny: That is the worst, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.
Amy: Oh, there you are. When do I get a key to our apartment?
Sheldon: Um…
Scene: Howard’s old bedroom. A phone is ringing.
Raj: Hello?
Howard: Hey. How’d it go last night with my mom?
Raj: Okay, I guess.
Howard: What time did you leave?
Raj: Actually, I’m still here.
Howard: What? You spent the night?
Raj: Yeah. Uh, after dinner, we watched a rerun of Rockford Files, and then she opened a bottle of, uh, cream sherry, and the next thing I know, she was tucking me into your bed.
Howard: You wore my pyjamas?
Raj: Mm-hmm. How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed, like, three times.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh! You up? You ready for breakfast?
Raj: Oh, boy. Breakfast.
Howard: Okay, Raj, listen to me. You need to get out of there.
Raj: But I have a cream sherry hangover and I smell blintzes.
Howard: If you don’t leave now, she’ll use food and guilt to keep you there for the rest of your life.
Raj: Oh, Howard, stop.
Howard: Trust me, you’re not Jewish. That’s how they get you.
Raj: You’re being silly. I can leave whenever I want.
Howard: Oh, really? Where are your clothes and your shoes?
Raj: They’re on the chair, right over… Oy vey.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.
Penny: What did I do?
Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.
Penny: Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me.
Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.
Penny: No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.
Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.
Penny: Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.
Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?
Penny: Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional.
Sheldon: That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.
Penny: Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.
Sheldon: I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair.
Penny: Yeah. And who knows how Amy will react.
Scene: A hotel room.
Howard: Here’s some more ice.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
Howard: What were we thinking? We should have just done it the regular way.
Bernadette: Those Chinese acrobats in Cirque du Soleil made it look so easy.
Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far, what would I need with you?
Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you’d be doing us both a favour. (Phone)
Howard: Hey, Raj. What’s up?
Raj: You were right. I can’t get out of here.
Howard: You’re still at my mother’s?
Raj: I’m trapped. My clothes have been in the laundry all day, and she hid my keys. I think they might be in her bra, because she jingles when she walks. What do I do?
Howard: Hey, you wanted a woman in your life. Now you got one.
Raj: Come on, Howard, help me.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh, tatellah, I ran you a bath.
Raj: Oh, my God. She’s not gonna bathe me, is she?
Howard: Gee, I wish I could tell you no. All right, well, thanks again for helping me out.
Raj: But, Howard…
Bernadette: Should we go back and rescue him?
Howard: It’s too late. We’ll see him at his Bar Mitzvah.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.
Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?
Amy: Yes. I did good, right?
Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Yeah, why would you?
Amy: Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.
Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.
Amy: And this is Amy.
Sheldon: We’re not home right now.
Amy: ‘Cause we out dropping science, son.
Together: Leave a message.
Amy: Beep.
Sheldon: You can’t live here.
Amy: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in.
Sheldon: No. It’s not the message.
Amy: Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Sheldon: You did.
Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here.
Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hey, Ames.
Amy: Yeah. Hey, Ames, nothing. I was all set to move in with Sheldon, and now I hear I can’t ’cause you don’t want to live with Leonard.
Leonard (off): What?
Penny: Sheldon, what did you say?
Sheldon: I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.
Leonard: Since when don’t you want to live with me?
Penny: Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.
Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that.
Penny: And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me?
Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing.
Amy: You’re a coward.
Sheldon: Well, the evidence does support that.
Penny: Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are.
Amy: You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.
Penny: Um…
Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?
Leonard: ‘Kay.
Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Or maybe she doesn’t. Let’s find out.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Raj is climbing out of the window.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where you going?
Raj (screams): No!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You’ll never believe what happened to me at work today.
Leonard: Hmm?
Penny: This old guy was choking on his food, and I saved his life.
Leonard: You’re kidding. Did you Heimlich him?
Penny: No. I said, oh, my God, I think that old guy’s choking, and then one of the busboys Heimlich’ed him.
Leonard: You’re a hero.
Penny: Yeah, that was the point of the story.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, speaking of work, do you know if you have Thursday night off?
Penny: Um, I think so. Why?
Leonard: What do you mean, why? It’s Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Oh, right. Yeah, we can do something.
Leonard: You could be a little more into it.
Penny: No, I’m into it, I’m into it. Just, there’s so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
Leonard: Okay, well, this time it’s going to be different. Because I am like a romance ninja. You don’t see it coming, and then bam, romance, watch out, hearts, kisses, love, ooh-ya!
Penny: You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
Sheldon: Oh, you caught that, did you?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard (on phone): Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! Okay.
Raj: Everything okay?
Howard: Bernie’s a little cranky since she’s been working, like, 17 hours a day. And I’ve got a lot on my plate, too, because I’ve been busting my tail playing Assassin’s Creed.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, you got anything going on for Valentine’s Day?
Stuart: Not really. Other than hiding all the sharp objects around here and white-knuckling it till morning. What do you got going on?
Raj: Oh, well, I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but, uh, she got worms, and then I had to take her to the vet.
Stuart: There must be something we can do.
Raj: Well, uh, how about you keep the store open late, and we throw a party for all the people who don’t have dates?
Stuart That actually sounds kind of nice.
Raj: Yeah, the theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself.
Stuart: That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
Alex: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.
Alex: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
Sheldon: Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the colour grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Leonard: Hey, you coming to lunch?
Howard: Yeah, one second. Come here. I want to show you something.
Leonard: What you looking at?
Howard: Well, I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine’s Day since she’s been such a pain in the ass.
Leonard: You can’t find a card that says that?
Howard: Check it out. I used the atomic force microscope in the material science lab and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
Leonard: Oh, that’s cool.
Howard: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard: From her micro-husband. That is amazing. How long did this take you?
Howard: Mmm, about twelve hours. I pulled an all-nighter.
Leonard: Oh, wow.
Howard: Yeah, I know, it really took a bite out of my video game time. What are you and Penny doing?
Leonard: Oh, I’m going to take her to a nice restaurant for dinner.
Howard: Oh, that’s not bad, but as far as romance goes, I think my gift hits it right out of… (Bumps into chair and drops the slide)
Leonard: Want to come to dinner with us?
Howard: Yes, please.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.
Alex: Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests.
Sheldon: Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.
Alex: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs.
Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?
Alex: No, I just thought it would be…
Sheldon: Next.
Alex: Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales.
Sheldon: Mmm.
Alex: So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
Sheldon: But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.
Alex: I don’t know how to respond to that.
Sheldon: Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.
Alex: Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print.
Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.
Alex: Thank you.
Sheldon: I think I’ll keep it for myself.
Alex: What about your girlfriend?
Sheldon: It’s too late. I call dibs.
Scene: a restaurant.
Penny: This place is really beautiful.
Leonard: Waugh, romance ninja.
Penny: Hey.
Howard: Sorry we’re late.
Penny: No problem. We just sat down.
Leonard: Mmm, would you like some wine?
Bernadette: Yeah, fill her up. I’ll tell you when to stop.
Penny: Is everything okay?
Howard: Terrific. Couldn’t be better.
Bernadette: Oh, bite me.
Howard: Look, we can still have a nice night. Just tell me where it is.
Bernadette: Maybe if you did what you said you were going to do, I’d tell you.
Leonard: Uh, where what is?
Howard: She hid my Xbox like I’m a child. Yeah, and my mom got me that for my birthday, so if you don’t give it back, I’m telling.
Bernadette: I’ve been working late every night. All I asked was that he clean the apartment and do one load of laundry. But did he do it? No. He just kept on playing that stupid game. You like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine.
Howard: I said I’m sorry.
Bernadette: Sorry doesn’t clean my underpants, buddy.
Howard: I told you, turn them inside out.
Bernadette: And I told you to bite me.
Leonard: Trying to have a magical night here, guys.
Penny: Oh, son of a bitch.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Nothing. Nothing.
Leonard: No, tell me.
Penny: It’s just this guy I used to date.
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: Until he cheated on me with my friend Gretchen, who’s here with him now.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Penny: And it looks like she lost a lot of weight, damn it.
Leonard: I know it’s not ideal, but don’t let them ruin our night.
Penny: No, you’re totally right. She could be skinny ’cause she’s dying.
Leonard: That’s the spirit.
Penny: You know what, screw them. Our night is going to be way more special than theirs.
Leonard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Uh-oh.
Penny: What? (Penny’s ex is proposing to Gretchen) Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Gretchen: Oh, my God, yes. Of course I’ll marry you.
Leonard: Two can play this game. Penny…
Penny: Get up.
Leonard: All right.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: It’s nice that all the people who are lonely on Valentine’s Day can come here tonight and be together.
Stuart: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. In fact, there’s no place I would rather be than here.
Raj: Except on a date with anybody.
Stuart: Literally anybody.
Raj: You know, you and I have so much fun hanging out. If you were a girl, all our problems would be solved.
Stuart: What?
Raj: Oh, yeah, think about it. We’d hang out, we’d read comic books, we’d see movies. It’d be like the best relationship ever.
Stuart: That does sound nice.
Raj: Then I’d take you home, slip off your little black dress and just pile-drive you into oblivion.
Stuart: What?
Scene: The restaurant.
Penny: Oh, I can’t believe he’s going to marry the girl he cheated on me with.
Leonard: Isn’t it kind of nice? I mean, he was with the wrong person, and now he found the right person.
Penny: What, so I’m the wrong person? Maybe you want to be with Gretchen, too.
Bernadette: They do look happy.
Howard: Yeah, maybe tonight. But a year from now, he’ll be crawling under the sink looking for his Xbox. Well, he will.
Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just forget about them and enjoy our Valentine’s Day?
Penny: Yes, absolutely. Now they’re doing that phony link-arm-drink thingy. I totally taught him that.
Leonard: I thought we were letting it go.
Penny: We were; it’s just, it’s not fair, okay? They’re bad people. It’s not supposed to end happy for them, it’s supposed to end happy for me.
Leonard: Um, it did end happy for you. You’re here with me.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Leonard: Okay, this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
Penny: Oh, come on, don’t make this about you.
Leonard: Oh, I’m not. It’s about you.
Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you, Valentine’s Day sucks.
Leonard: This one does, and you’re the reason why.
Penny: What?
Bernadette: You know, compared to them, I’m feeling pretty good about us.
Howard: Me, too. How about we blow off dessert, go home early, I’ll do that laundry.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: Love you, too.
Howard: So where’d you hide it?
Bernadette: Where you’d never look.
Howard: Damn it, it’s in the washing machine.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: Okay. Shall we go to dinner?
Amy: Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.
Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.
Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: What is that?
Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it?
Sheldon: More than anything.
Amy: Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
Amy: I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
Amy: What’s this?
Sheldon: Read it.
Amy: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?
Sheldon: At the bottom.
Amy: In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me.
Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
Amy: And you picked me.
Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine’s Day and order my pizza.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Night.
Leonard: Yep. You know what? That was pretty crappy of you. I mean, all I wanted to do was give you a great night, and it’s like you-you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny: Yeah, I know. I’m a total bitch.
Leonard: I’m not saying that.
Penny: Well, I am.
Leonard: Fine, you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn’t we just have a nice time?
Penny: I don’t know. Maybe ’cause things are going so well between us lately and I’ve been really happy.
Leonard: Okay, you’re gonna have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny: Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
Leonard: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you, and eventually I’m gonna end up saying yes, and then we’re gonna be married forever, and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Leonard: Okay. I know I propose a lot. So how about this? I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny: What, what do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard: No. No, no, no, no. But if someday you decide you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yes. It’s all on you. But I got to tell you, when the time comes, I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny: Yeah, you got it.
Leonard: And I’m cool with surprises. But nothing on a Jumbotron. I don’t want to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny: Okay. You know what? This might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard: You do?
Penny: Leonard Hofstadter?
Leonard: Yes?
Penny: Will you be my valentine?
Leonard: Sorry. Maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja. Let’s have sex. Waugh!
Scene: The comic book store.
Nerdy guy: Thank you, guys, for doing this.
Raj: We’re glad you could make it.
Nerdy guy: Usually I spend Valentine’s Day sad and alone. This year, I’m just sad.
Raj: What is it about this holiday that makes people so unhappy?
Stuart: I know. I hate myself most of the time, but tonight’s the night I know everyone else does, too.
Nerdy guy: I think you’re cool.
Stuart: Great.
Raj: I got to tell you, we’ve got to stop beating ourselves up like this. Excuse me, everybody. Can I have your attention, please? We’re all here tonight because we have no one to be with. But that doesn’t make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. We’ve got to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we’re in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let’s give ourselves a break. We are a community, and as long as we have each other, we’re never truly alone.
Girl: That was cool. What you said.
Raj: You really think so?
Girl: Yeah, I do.
Raj: Thank you. Uh, would you like to, uh, get a cup, a cup of coffee or…?
Girl: Okay.
Raj: Later, losers!
Scene: Amy’s lab. Phone rings.
Amy: Hello? Another medical emergency? What’s wrong with him now? I seriously doubt he was bitten by a Chinese bird spider. How exactly does a bump feel Asian? Just put him on the phone. Sheldon, I am not driving over there again. Because I drove over there yesterday for a brain tumour that turned out to be an ice cream headache. Yes, I still want to be your emergency contact. Yes, you can eat your ice cream too fast and also have a brain tumour. I’m on my way. Brain tumour would explain a lot.
Scene: (After a “previously on” sequence) A coffee shop
Raj: So then I went to Cambridge, which was wonderful not only because it’s a good school but because it totally looks like Hogwarts. That’s where I fell in love with astronomy, and now I’m an astrophysicist at Caltech, so I guess you could say, uh, Raj is my name and stars are my game. And rhyming is also my game. So, uh, two games. Uh, anyway, that, that’s enough about me. I want to hear everything about you.
Girl: I have to go to the bathroom.
Raj: I go to the bathroom, too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I’ve had it checked out, it’s nothing. Hmm. This is going great. Mmm, can I have a refill on my chai tea? Yes, I have a good feeling about this. (Girl can be seen sneaking past window and leaving) I should have bought condoms.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it’s also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She’s had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny.
Penny: Hello.
Sheldon: So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.
Penny: Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in.
Sheldon: Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.
Penny: Uh, I’m sorry, can we just pause for a minute?
Sheldon: What’s wrong?
Penny: I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class.
Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.
Penny: Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in.
Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?
Penny: Let’s try open.
Sheldon: If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?
Penny: Um, well, I’m from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?
Sheldon: Gosh, Penny, what’d you have for breakfast? A big glass of good question juice? The Nebraska state flag is simply the state seal on a field of blue. Spread your legs, invite them in.
Scene: Outside Raj’s apartment.
Howard: I’m telling you, something’s wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.
Bernadette: Geez, how close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard: Don’t look under that rock. (Knocking) Raj, you okay?
Howard: You in there?
Raj (off): Go away!
Leonard: Come on, buddy, open up.
Howard: We’re worried about you.
Raj (off): Oh, just because I’ve stopped going to work and answering my phone you think something bad happened? Maybe something good happened.
Bernadette: Did something good happen?
Raj (off): Of course not. Nothing good ever happens. (Opens door. He is wearing a stained vest, his hair is unkempt, and he is drinking wine from a bottle.)
Leonard: Whoa.
Raj: What?
Leonard: Nope, just, just, whoa.
Bernadette: It smells pretty ripe in here. You kind feel it in your eyes.
Leonard: Raj, what’s going on?
Raj: I was humiliated by yet another woman.
Howard: You didn’t kill her and chop her up, that’s not what we’re smelling, right?
Raj: No. I took her for coffee, and she snuck out the bathroom window to get away from me.
Bernadette: Oh, you poor baby.
Raj: I went and looked. It was a high and tiny window. She must have been very motivated.
Howard: I’m sorry. That’s awful, but come on, you got to shake it off.
Leonard: Yeah, you can’t stay in your apartment for the rest of your life.
Raj: Why not? With online shopping and overnight delivery, I can get anything I want. Look, I just ordered a case of Dinty Moore beef stew and two live lobsters on Amazon.
Leonard: Lobsters overnight?
Howard: Oh, you’re kidding. Let me see. Well, I’ll be. Look, you can throw in a couple steaks and have a surf and turf.
Leonard: The surf and turf sounds good. See if they have corn on the cob.
Bernadette: Guys, we’re trying to get him out of here, not you in.
Raj: You’re wasting your time. Just please, leave me alone.
Howard: Now what?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Bernadette: We could go to Red Lobster and talk about it. We’re all thinking it. I just had the decency to wait for him to leave.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?
Amy: Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow.
Sheldon: Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.
Amy: Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny?
Sheldon: Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.
Amy: Subtle, but powerful.
Sheldon: I know. I’m still learning to control it.
Amy: Did you tell Penny how helpful she was?
Sheldon: Why would I do that?
Amy: Because she’s your friend, and she did a nice job. I’m sure she’d like to hear it.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: I didn’t mean now. Hello? Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette. Well, I’d like a normal boyfriend. Deal with it.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Oh, hi. What’s up?
Sheldon: Um…
Penny: You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?
Sheldon: No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.
Penny: Okay. So, what do you need?
Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.
Penny: Aw, sweetie, you just made my day.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list.
Sheldon: Oh, that sounds terrible. Why would I want to do that?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam): That’s right. They’re no good without the lighter.
Sheldon: Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny.
Amy: Why? What happened?
Sheldon: She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.
Amy: Sheldon, that’s very rude. She helped you with your show. The right thing to do is reciprocate by going to see her play.
Sheldon: Oh, so many crazy rules.
Amy: That better be Tootsie Rolls you’re throwing at me!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.
Penny: Hey, I don’t want you to go any more.
Sheldon: Why not?
Penny: You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to.
Sheldon: Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?
Penny: Okay. Do whatever you want.
Sheldon: Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?
Penny: Oh, for God’s sake, just come to the play.
Sheldon: All right. I don’t want to, but at least that makes sense.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: You know, I haven’t seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin.
Howard: He’s just decided he’s never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I’ve been itching to pull that trigger.
Howard: He’s upset because he can’t get anywhere with women.
Sheldon: Would it help if I gave him some pointers? I’m just funnin’ ya.
Girl: Hi. I don’t know if you remember me, but I was here the other night at your party.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, you left with Raj.
Girl: Uh, yeah.
Howard: You’re the one? Okay, let me tell you something. That guy you blew off happens to be my best friend. Okay? He was devastated.
Girl: Sorry. Can you just give him this?
Howard: Okay. But I gotta warn you, Raj is a proud, passionate man. If you go running out on him again, you’re only gonna get, like, three or four more chances before you are history.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Come on, she came back. This is good news. You should celebrate.
Raj: I don’t want to celebrate.
Howard: Not even a little? I mean, we could have a pants party. Go put some on.
Raj: Why would I want her number? I don’t want anything to do with this woman.
Howard: Oh, come on, Raj.
Raj: No, you don’t get it. I want nothing to do with any woman. My heart is stone. From now on, I’m a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for lobster. And garlic butter.
Howard: Boy, I want to tell you it’s her loss, but you are not making it easy.
Raj: You’re, you’re a good friend for trying to help, but, I’ve made my choice.
Howard: All right. Well, I’ll see you around.
Raj: See you. No, wait, take her number. I don’t want the temptation.
Howard: Okay.
Raj: I must be strong so I don’t stray from my true purpose, the study of the universe.
Howard: All right. Thanks for ruining lobster for me.
Scene: Outside on the street.
Raj: Wait! Give me the number! Give me the number! Give me the number!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, Amy, what’s going on with your addiction study?
Amy: Sadly, I’m no longer associated with that project.
Leonard: Why? What happened?
Amy: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.
Leonard: I’m sorry. That I asked.
Sheldon: All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.
Leonard: Uh, hang on. Empty your pockets.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: You know why. The Nintendo DS. And the PSP. Now the Gameboy.
Sheldon: Aw, for Pete’s sake. Can we go now?
Leonard: Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.
Amy: Just so you know, this is not a stupid play. A Streetcar Named Desire is an American classic.
Sheldon: It’s about streetcars? Oh, great. I won’t need this. (Pulls out an etch-a-sketch.)
Scene: Outside Raj’s apartment. The girl from the comic book store knocks on the door.
Raj: Just a sec. Oh, who says just a sec? I hate myself. Hello.
Girl: Hi.
Raj: Uh, would you like to come in?
Girl: Oh, no, I can’t stay.
Raj: Oh.
Girl: I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for running out of the coffee shop. That wasn’t cool. So, uh, yeah. I’m sorry.
Raj: Wait. Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It’s okay. I can take anything. Unless it’s something I did, or said, or am. ‘Cause those are, like, my buttons.
Girl: No, it’s not any of that. It’s just, I kind of have a hard time around people I don’t know.
Raj: Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?
Girl: I’ve been trying to force myself into situations that I’m not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window, and I made myself go in. I don’t even like comic books.
Raj: Yeah, me neither.
Girl: Then what were you doing there?
Raj: I lied. I love them. I only said that so you’d go out with me.
Girl: Oh, you don’t want to do that. I’m kind of broken.
Raj: That’s great. I’m broken, too.
Girl: Oh, no, you’re not.
Raj: Oh, I totally am. If it wasn’t for this beer, I couldn’t even talk to you right now. I’m a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like, diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.
Girl: Well, how do I know you’re not just saying that?
Raj: Go out with me on one date, and I promise you, you’ll see.
Girl: Okay. Text me. Bye.
Raj: You won’t regret it. I’m the most pathetic guy you’ve ever met. And that, boys and girls, is how it’s done.
Scene: The theatre.
Penny (as Blanche DuBois) : You love her very much, don’t you?
Actor (as Mitch): Yes.
Penny: I think you have a great capacity for devotion. You’ll be lonely when she passes on, won’t you? I understand what that is.
Actor: To be lonely?
Leonard: She’s pretty good, huh?
Sheldon: She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny (as Blanche): …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon: She’s remarkable.
Leonard: She really is.
Amy: Our Penny’s a star.
Sheldon: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can’t remember no tomato on my hamburger?
Scene: The apartment 
Leonard: Look, I know you guys don’t want to do this, but we have no choice. So, you can either bitch and whine or we can just get it over with.
Howard: I got whine.
Sheldon: I got the B word.
Leonard: Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.
Howard: Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.
Sheldon: If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.
Leonard: Helping women? Y
Sheldon: Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.
Leonard: Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office?
Sheldon: I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.
Leonard: You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science.
Sheldon: I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals.
Leonard: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?
Howard: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.
Sheldon: Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.
Leonard: Yes, I know, you’re too smart for this.
Sheldon: Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.
Leonard: Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.
Sheldon: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana.
Howard: Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.
Leonard: Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch.
Sheldon: We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.
Howard: So, you think I’m one of the smarter kids?
Sheldon: No, you’re a tool I was using to make my point.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Guys, our topic is encouraging women in science, can you at least play a less sexist game
Sheldon: How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.
Howard: Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins.
Sheldon: Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science.
Sheldon: All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.
Leonard: That’s actually good. Why didn’t I think of that?
Sheldon: Some people are otters, some people are rocks.
Leonard: I wonder if there’s a way we could give the idea a trial run.
Howard: Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.
Leonard: That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there.
Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.
Howard: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon: How do I get 12-year-old girls excited.
Leonard and Howard (together): No!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: Thanks again for letting me crash girls’ night.
Penny: Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I’ve slept with guys for less. It’s a joke. Based on real events.
Raj: Anyway, I was hoping I could, uh, pick your brains a little. I’m supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.
Amy: Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady n the face of danger, so I recommend an unsafe environment. Seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks, picnic near a lunatic asylum, a wine tasting on Skid Row.
Raj: Uh, Lucy has some, uh, social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.
Bernadette: Why don’t you take her to Disneyland? You go on Space Mountain, you’re in the dark, she’s holding onto you.
Penny: Yeah, but you just have to remember, that ride is shorter than you think and they take a picture of you at the end, so make sure you got your clothes back on. It’s a joke. Based on real events.
Raj: Mm, Disneyland? I don’t know. With all the crowds and the weird characters walking around, just reminds me too much of India.
Amy: I haven’t been to Disneyland since I was a kid. We should definitely go one weekend.
Bernadette: Weekends are too crowded.
Penny: So, blow off work, go on a weekday.
Amy: Hooky? I’ve never played hooky in my life. My mom said that’s how girls end up addicted to reefer and jazz music.
Penny: It’s more like how girls end up at a Best Western hotel with a 34-year-old guy named Luther.
Bernadette: Joke?
Penny: I can laugh about it now.
Bernadette: So, what do you say? This Friday we ditch work and go to Disneyland?
Penny: I’m in.
Amy: Me, too.
Raj: Excuse me, I thought we were trying to solve my problem?
Penny: Oh, yeah, right. Wait, what was your problem again?
Raj: I am a man who can’t talk to women, trying to figure out how to go on a romantic date with a girl who suffers from such crippling social anxiety she can’t be around other people.
Penny: Yeah, that’s a toughie.
Bernadette: Let’s think.
Amy: Hmm. We doing just Disney or California Adventure, too?
Scene: A school hallway.
Leonard: It’s nice of your old school to let us try out our science talk on some female students.
Howard: Well, they’re actually pretty excited. I’m their most famous alum. If you don’t count the serial killer who ate all those prostitutes.
Sheldon: This must feel pretty good for you, coming back to your alma mater as an astronaut.
Howard: Yeah, last time I was here, I was just a scrawny little nerd.
Leonard: And now you’re also an astronaut.
Howard: So many memories. I mean, how many times in these hallways was I tripped, punched and spit on? Oh, look, here’s my old locker. I have a masters in engineering and I still can’t figure out how Scott Kapinski got me and my briefcase to fit in there. (Kid bumps into him) Hey.
Kid: What?
Howard: Nothing.
Sheldon: Smart. We don’t want any problems.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Amy: I can’t believe I ditched work for Disneyland.
Bernadette: What did you tell your boss?
Amy: Oh, I was very clever, I did it in stages. At seven o’clock last night, I called about a problem at the lab and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood. At nine thirty, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird. At eleven thirty, I called and said I was throwing up like a fire hose. At twelve forty-five, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds, and now I’m going to Disneyland.
Bernadette: Penny, what did you say?
Penny: I work at the Cheesecake Factory, I said bye.
Amy: So, what are we gonna do first?
Bernadette: I don’t know about you guys, but I’m gonna make a beeline for the place that gives you a princess makeover.
Amy: Ooh, that sounds like fun.
Penny: You’re kidding, right? We’re not just gonna get drunk and go on rides?
Amy: Come on, do it with us.
Penny: All right, whatever. How does it work?
Bernadette: Okay, so, you pick your princess, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, they give you hair, makeup, the works.
Penny: Guess it would be fun to be Cinderella.
Amy: Oh, I want to be Cinderella, too.
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: We can’t all be Cinderella.
Amy: Then how do we decide?
Bernadette: Well, it’s simple. This was my idea. I’m driving. I’m Cinderella. You bitches got a problem with that, we could stop the car right now.
Scene: A library.
Raj: Excuse me, I’m meeting a girl here. It’s kind of our first date.
Man: In a library?
Raj: She and I are both a little awkward in social situations, so this seemed like a good idea.
Man: People say I’m a little awkward, too. May I join you?
Raj: No, you can’t join us. Just go, go climb back up whatever beanstalk you came down from.
Man (to Lucy): You can do better.
Lucy: Oh, we’re eating here? (Reading) We’re having a texting date? (By text) I love that.
Raj (by text): As you’re reading, it will help to remember I have an adorable accent.
Scene: A classroom.
Leonard: Okay, who’s ready for some science? Me, too. Okay, I am Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I am here with my friends Dr. Cooper and real-life astronaut Howard Wolowitz, and we are going to show you girls how cool a job in science can be. How cool, you ask? Well, how about negative 273 degrees, ’cause that’s the temperature at which entropy reaches its minimum value. Did I just learn something new and have fun doing it? What? All right. So now let’s bring out theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated Madame Curie. Co-discoverer of radioactivity, she was a hero of science, until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can’t happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?
Later.
Howard: The thing to remember is you can go to outer space, too. I mean, look at me. I went to this very school. Those desks you’re sitting in, I was once superglued to one of them.
Girl: Did you go to the moon?
Howard: No, but I did go to the International Space Station.
Girl: Did you fly the rocket?
Howard: No, but I was in the rocket. I didn’t actually…
Girl: So you just flew around? That’s kind of like my uncle. He’s a flight attendant.
Howard: No, I’m an American hero. Your uncle brings people nuts, okay?
Leonard: Alright, alright. Boy, we are learning a lot here, huh? Thank you, astronaut Howard. Um, I am what’s called an experimental physicist, which is super-fun, because I get to test theories and work with lasers. Yes?
Girl 2: How did you decide to become a scientist?
Leonard: Uh, excellent question. Um, I suppose I’ve always been into science, you know. My mother and father are scientists, so I was kind of led in that direction. Uh, pushed might be a better way to describe it. To be honest with you guys, when I was your age, I wanted to be a rap star. Like Snoop Dogg, but with a healthy respect for the police. Yeah, no, sure, you laugh. Just like my mother did. After I confided, I was derided and chided, my moms and I collided. She said my dreams were misguided. That’s just a little freestyle.
Scene: The library.
Raj (by text): My dad’s a gynaecologist in India, so if you’re over there and need a check up, as he likes to say, he’s at your cervix.
Lucy(by text): That’s terrible. Your dad should be sent to the pun-itentiary.
Raj (by text): That’s a fitting pun-ishment. I still don’t know what you do for a living.
Lucy (by text): Web design.
Raj (by text): Anything I might have seen?
Lucy (by text): I don’t know. You ever look at porn Web sites?
Raj (by text): No, never. What is porn?
Lucy (by text): Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say prom Web sites.
Raj (by text): Ooh, fun. I love prom. The romance, the gowns, it’s like a fairy tale come to life. Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say, I like sports.
Scene: The classroom.
Leonard: I never wanted to play the cello. How do you meet girls playing the cello? Hey, you want to come over to my house and listen to me play an instrument that sounds like a suicidal bumblebee?
Howard: Quick, pull the fire alarm. Let’s get out of here.
Sheldon: Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?
Amy (voice): We’re here.
Sheldon: Thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to enlighten these young women.
Amy: It’s our pleasure. I’m Dr. Fowler, and I’m a neuroscientist.
Bernadette: And I’m Dr. Rostenkowski Wolowitz, and I’m a microbiologist.
Amy: The world of science needs more women, but from a young age, we girls are encouraged to care more about the way we look than about the power of our minds.
Bernadette: That’s true. Every one of you has the capacity to be anything you want to be.
Penny: Unless you want to be Cinderella.
Bernadette: Come at me. See what happens.
Scene: The library.
Raj (by text): This was really fun.
Lucy : My battery’s dying, so I’m just gonna talk. Thanks for today. I’ve been trying to do more things that scare me, and coming here was definitely one of them. But it was also really nice. So thanks, and, um, I’m gonna go. Maybe I could do one more scary thing before I go and give you a kiss good-bye? You know, if that’s okay. Okay. Panic attack. Maybe next time.
Raj: I’m counting that as foreplay.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Bernie, I’m home. You have fun today?
Bernadette: Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
Howard: Please be Cinderella. Please be Cinderella.
Bernadette: Well, hello, Prince Charming.
Howard: Milady.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, how was your… what?
Penny: I can explain. I played hooky with the girls, then we all went to Disneyland and got… What are you doing?
Leonard (undressing): Disneyland. Go on, I’m listening.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.
Sheldon: Heard you the first time.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: What you doing?
Howard: You said clean up. I’m cleaning up.
Bernadette: You can’t just throw everything in the closet.
Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do or you can tell me how to do it, but you can’t do both. This isn’t sex.
Bernadette: What if someone looks in there?
Howard: They’re just coming over for dinner. No one’s gonna look in the closet.
Bernadette: Well, you don’t know that. What if someone’s looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
Howard: Could work out. For all we know there’s a toilet in there somewhere.
Bernadette: Fine. But after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.
Howard: You know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Are you kidding? He’s like a savant at organizing. Everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you’ll see a label that says label.
Bernadette: He’s our guest, we can’t just ask him to straighten our closet.
Howard: No, we wouldn’t ask him. We’d just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.
Later.
Howard: Hey, guys, come on in.
All: Hi.
Penny: Ooh, it smells good.
Bernadette: Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.
Sheldon: Oh, you shouldn’t have.
Bernadette: Oh, it’s my pleasure.
Sheldon: No, you really shouldn’t have. I brought my own.
Bernadette: You stopped and got him takeout?
Leonard: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
Bernadette: Sheldon, I’ve been cooking all day.
Sheldon: Well, now don’t you feel silly.
Bernadette: Show him the closet.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: These spring rolls are amazing. Good job, Bernadette.
Bernadette: That’s the takeout that Sheldon brought.
Raj: Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first.
Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?
Howard: Colour’s fine.
Sheldon: Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally.
Penny: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?
Amy: Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.
Sheldon: Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.
Amy: His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me.
Scene: The closet.
Leonard: Sheldon, come on. It’s getting late. Time to go.
Sheldon: Oh, five more minutes.
Leonard: That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it.
Sheldon: How come I never get to do anything I want to do?
Howard: You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.
Sheldon: Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye.
Sheldon: Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?
Howard: Juggle.
Sheldon: You health nuts kill me.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid.
Sheldon: Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…
Howard: Whoa, you opened this?
Sheldon: Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content…
Howard: I couldn’t be less interested. Now, come on, I’ll take you home.
Bernadette: Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter?
Howard: If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here.
Sheldon: Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?
Howard: Do whatever you want.
Sheldon: Thanks. Oh. Great party.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: You know, when I first met Howard, he would pull his scrotum out of his shorts and say, aw, I sat in gum.
Penny: What is your point?
Leonard: Well, it’s just kind of weird how grown up he is now. Happily married guy throwing dinner parties.
Penny: Really? You couldn’t just say that? You had to tell the scrotum story?
Leonard: Trying to paint a picture.
Penny: It was a nice change of pace not eating takeout around a coffee table.
Leonard: Mm, you know, we could throw a dinner party, too. Maybe even ask everyone to get dressed up.
Penny: Sure. Just, when you say dressed up, you mean nice clothes, right? Not, like, capes and tights and crap?
Leonard: Yeah. Although…
Penny: No.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Howie, you okay?
Howard: Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep.
Bernadette: Told you you shouldn’t have espresso after dinner. I know the little cups make you feel big, but it’s not worth it.
Howard: It’s this stupid letter.
Bernadette: Did you read it?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: You must be curious.
Howard: Of course I’m curious. I haven’t seen the man since, oh, I was a little kid. And a letter shows up on my 18th birthday? What’s that about?
Bernadette: Why don’t you read it? Maybe he apologizes or explains why he left.
Howard: He abandoned me and my mother. Why does he deserve a chance to explain anything?
Bernadette: I get that. So, what do you want to do with it?
Howard: Something I should have done a long time ago. (Sets fire to it)
Bernadette: Really? Are you sure?
Howard: Yep.
Bernadette: Feel better?
Howard: I do. (Smoke alarm goes off) Great. Neither one of us is tall enough to reach that.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I can’t believe he set it on fire.
Bernadette: Yeah, just seeing that letter really freaked him out. And he was already having a tough day ’cause he accidentally wore my pants to work. I don’t know why he was upset. They were bigger on him than me.
Amy: Boy, I’m really curious what was in that letter.
Bernadette: Me, too, but I guess now we’ll never know.
Amy: Well, you said Sheldon read it. Why not ask him?
Bernadette: I can’t do that. What kind of wife would I be if I didn’t respect my husband’s privacy?
Penny: What if I ask Sheldon, you just happen to be in the room?
Bermadette: That works.
Penny: Okay.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: Bleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building’s belly button.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies?
Amy: You have something we want.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.
Penny: No, we just want information.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.
Penny: We heard you read the letter from Howard’s father.
Sheldon: I did.
Penny: What did it say?
Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
Amy: Sheldon, that’s not a real thing.
Sheldon: Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.
Penny: Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says.
Sheldon: Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.
Penny: Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something?
Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?
Penny: Yeah, obviously.
Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don’t give you enough credit, Penny.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Dude, you made the right choice coming to me for help with this party.
Leonard: Actually, all I did was invite you.
Raj: Well, put your mind at ease. I’m here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard’s dinner party’s ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I’m thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge.
Leonard: I’m thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d’oeuvres.
Raj: So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.
Leonard: Hey, where have you been?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.
Leonard: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time.
Sheldon: Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.
Leonard: What information?
Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
Raj: Well, come on, we won’t tell anyone.
Sheldon: Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.
Leonard: Fine, then that.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll tell you. My goodness, everyone’s on their game today.
Scene: The apartment kitchen.
Amy: This is really fun.
Raj: Yeah, it’s nice to get dressed up once in a while.
Penny: Yeah, and the hors d’oeuvres are delightful.
Leonard: As is the company.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: My shirt is itchy and I wish I were dead.
Leonard: Hey, uh, listen, everybody. Before Howard gets here, et’s all just agree to not bring up the letter from his father.
Raj: Of course.
Penny: Sure.
Amy: Absolutely.
Sheldon: If I say yes, can we turn off that Latin orgy music?
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: Ridiculous that we still have to walk up all these flights of stairs.
Bernadette: Yeah, try doing it in heels.
Howard: I am.
Bernadette: Wait. There’s something I have to tell you.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: I know what was in your dad’s letter.
Howard: Sheldon, I swear to God, I’m gonna kill you.
Amy: Hey.
Bernadette: I made him tell us.
Howard: What? Us? Who else knows?
Penny: I know.
Amy: Me, too.
Leonard: Same here.
Raj: Shame on all of you.
Leonard: You know, too.
Raj: Couldn’t leave him one friend, could you?
Howard: So everybody knows what’s in that letter except for me?
Sheldon: Yes, it’s six against one. Stand down, sir.
Howard: How could you do this?
Bernadette: I’m sorry.
Raj: If you want, we could tell you.
Howard: No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.
Amy: Use me as a human shield!
Sheldon: I panicked. He looked taller than usual.
Scene: The closet.
Bernadette (off): Howard?
Howard: In here.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. I should have left it alone.
Howard: It’s okay. Sorry I ran off like that.
Bernadette: What are you looking at?
Howard: Uh, pictures of my dad and me when I was a kid.
Bernadette: That’s nice.
Howard: I got to tell you, as angry as I am at Sheldon for blabbing, he did a hell of a job organizing this closet. Look at this. Photos of Wolowitz family before father left forever. Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those.
Bernadette: Think you could take a break?
Howard: Why?
Bernadette: Got a little surprise for you. Come on.
Howard: Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard: Oh, yeah, what’s that?
Sheldon: It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room, so…
Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And I said if it wasn’t epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Bernadette: Sit down, honey.
Leonard: Raj, you’re up.
Raj: Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Howard: Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
Amy: Told you.
Sheldon: Don’t.
Leonard: Amy.
Amy: You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map.
Leonard: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
Amy: No, it’s not.
Sheldon: Don’t.
Leonard: Okay, my turn. Your dad wrote about how family is the most important thing, and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard: Hmm.
Leonard: Bernadette.
Bernadette: Inside the envelope was a picture of your dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote Howard, my son, my greatest gift. You okay?
Howard: Yeah. I’m terrific.
Leonard: So, which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard: Actually, I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard: Well, one of them is.
Howard: That’s pretty cool. Thank you, guys.
Penny: Hey, it’s still early. Why don’t we go back and have that party?
Raj: Yeah,
Leonard: Yeah, cool.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.
Bernadette: Sheldon, don’t you dare.
Sheldon: There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.
Bernadette: That’s more like it.
Sheldon: Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Glad you’re feeling better.
Howard: Me, too. If I’d known we were gonna be dancing, would have worn my flats.
Penny: This turned out pretty well, huh?
Leonard: Yeah, I think so.
Raj: I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.
Amy: If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time.
Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?
Penny: Damn, I forgot to feed him. And that I had him.
Sheldon: Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.
Penny: Party’s over! Party’s over!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies. Instead, it reverts to its asexual state and then grows up again.
Howard: We thought my 90-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.
Leonard: My point is, immortality is not only a possibility, it is real.
Raj: Only if you’re this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.
Sheldon: If I could keep my Gmail account, I’d be okay with that.
Barry: – Hewwo, fewwas.
All: Hey.
Barry: Wemember when we were twying to figuwe out what that smell coming fwom Pwofessor Tupperman’s office was?
Howard: Yeah?
Barry: Turns out it was Tupperman. Dead at his desk for two weeks.
Howard: That’s terrible.
Leonard: Oh, my God.
Barry: In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze.
Sheldon: If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.
Howard: Show a little compassion, a man died.
Barry: And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter.
Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.
Raj: Well, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.
Sheldon: Pchew!
Barry: If you need my nose, you’ll find it firmwy wodged up the qectum of the tenure committee.
Howard: You Ph.D’s gonna go suck up like Kripke?
Leonard: No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.
Raj: Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it.
Sheldon: Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.
Leonard: Excuse me, but I think I’m just as qualified as you are.
Sheldon: Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So tenured means a job for life?
Leonard: Yup.
Penny: You can’t get fired even if you’re bad at it?
Leonard: Mm, not really.
Penny: Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.
Amy: Are Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well?
Sheldon: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Do they know they don’t stand a chance ’cause you’re so great?
Sheldon: Well put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: It would be nice to have the increased income. Stop taking money from my parents.
Howard: Money from family does come with strings attached.
Raj: You have no idea. They buy me a new BMW for my birthday but can I get seat warmers? No. Rajesh, if you want a warm butt, you’re gonna have to pay for it yourself. Well, maybe I will, old man.
Bernadette: I think that’s enough wine for now.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I just keep thinking about how cool it would be if I called my mom and told her that I got tenure at Caltech.
Penny: She’d be proud, huh?
Leonard: Oh, very. Assuming she takes my call.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.
Amy: Or you take advantage of your newfound economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married. start a family.
Sheldon: Or, the chainsaw.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: And I will return to New Delhi in triumph atop a bejeweled white elephant. And you know what will be on that elephant’s back? A seat warmer. No, Father, you may not have a ride.
Bernadette: I’m gonna make some coffee.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
Leonard: I’m not gonna schmooze anybody. I’m gonna let my work speak for itself.
Penny: That’s great. That shows a lot of integrity.
Leonard: Thank you. I’m a naive idiot, right?
Penny: Oh, good, you heard me.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy.
Amy: You don’t say.
Sheldon: But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.
Amy: Is that a problem?
Sheldon: Well…
(Flashback to Series 6, Episode 12, The Egg Salad Equivalency)
Sheldon: Even you. You’re a slave.
Janine: I’m a what?
(End of flashback)
Sheldon: I’m not sure, it could go either way.
Scene: The university gymnasium.
Leonard: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey. Mrs. Davis.
Janine: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Janine: Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Yeah. Just thought I’d come down and start getting ready for swimsuit season.
Janine: Good for you.
Leonard: Not that you need it. I bet you look great in a swimsuit.
Janine: Thank you.
Leonard: I’ve got what my father used to call furniture disease. My chest is falling into my drawers. I’m not, uh, familiar with this model. How do I make it start?
Janine: You push start.
Leonard: Right. This one might be broken.
Janine: You have to move.
Leonard: Got it. Oh. There. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now I’m feeling it. Oh, this is great. I could do this for the rest of my life. Hey, speaking, speaking of things you do for the rest of your life, uh, did I read that you’re on that-that tenure committee?
Janine: Yep. I got to get a home gym.
Leonard: Well, I’m sure you have a lot of good applicants, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I’ll be throwing my hat in the ring.
Janine: All right, I’ll keep an eye out for that.
Leonard: Yeah.
Barry: Hey, Hofstadter. Funny seeing you here for the first time in… ever.
Leonard: Go away.
Barry: Janine the Machine, wet’s do this!
Janine: Hey, Barry.
Leonard: Well, look at that. Burned a whole calorie.
Barry: I guess you got here ewwy to burn off that banana bwead I baked you.
Janine: Yeah, it was delicious. Thank you.
Barry: No, my pweasure.
Leonard: Oh, if you, if you like banana bread, I’ve got a-a great recipe. The trick is in, in fresh ground, I’ll e-mail it to you.
Barry: Aw wight, I’m warm. Weady to kick it up a notch?
Janine: Let’s go.
Leonard: That’s enough cardio for me. I’m just gonna stretch out before I hit the weights.
Janine: You okay?
Leonard: Call someone.
Scene: Janine’s office. There is a sound on her computer. It opens up an online video.
Raj: Good day, Mrs. Davis. This is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali from the astrophysics department. Don’t be alarmed, I’m not really in space. Anyhoo, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you about myself, so sit back, relax and enjoy the following 90-minute video.
Janine: Oh, come on.
Raj: Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon.
Shelldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?
Janine: God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.
Janine: Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary.
Sheldon: It’s too late. Get ready to like me.
Janine: Roots?
Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.
Janine: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?
Sheldon: Um… Well… You are black, right?
Janine: This meeting has come to an end.
Sheldon: Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that. Let’s see. Up next on the tenure committee is Professor Wu. Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Gentlemen.
Raj: Where have you been?
Leonard: Nurse’s office.
Howard: Asthma attack?
Leonard: Asthma, heart, some kind of attack. I’m fine, though.
Howard: You guys going to Professor Tupperman’s memorial?
Raj: I don’t know.
Leonard: Probably not.
Sheldon: Barely knew him.
Howard: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that’s what I was hoping for, meerkats.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.
Amy: Well you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.
Sheldon: First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.
Amy: It sounds like a long and tedious evening.
Sheldon: Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.
Amy: Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along.
Sheldon: Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.
Amy: Of course it would. I’m well-versed in academic politics, and as a respected scientist, I can only raise your stock as a candidate.
Sheldon: Actually, I meant you could drive me. But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Do anything interesting today?
Penny: Oh, not really. I was out shopping with Amy. She wanted me to help her find something for this memorial thing.
Leonard: Wait, Sheldon’s going to be there? We all promised we weren’t going to go.
Penny: Oh, what a jerk.
Leonard: I know. I was hoping to go without anyone finding out.
Penny: Well, since Amy’s going, do you want me there? You know, to support you?
Leonard: Oh, that’s nice, but it-it’s just gonna be a room full of boring old men and I’m not sure how much help you’d be.
Penny: Okay. I’m just gonna tie my shoe while you think about that.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. No. Thanks, that would be great help. You realize you might kill some of them.
Penny: Oh, then you all can get tenure.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Come on, Daddy. All the other scientists have seat warmers. This is so humiliating. I’ve got to get tenure. Okay, let’s meet halfway. How about I cut my cleaning lady down to twice a week? Looks like we’re both going to be living like animals.
Scene: The memorial.
Amy: Let’s go over our emotional responses one last time.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: Professor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us?
Sheldon: Sad.
Amy: The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us?
Sheldon: Glad.
Amy: Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was?
Sheldon: Bad. However…
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Fine. Bad.
Raj: Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
Sheldon: You’re here.
Raj: Excuse me. I’m here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.
Sheldon: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
Leonard: Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn’t having a cotillion after all. And you, you said you weren’t coming here, either.
Raj: I have a thick accent. You don’t know what I said.
Amy: I’d like to know why Penny’s here.
Penny: I’m here to support my man, just like you.
Sheldon: What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?
Leonard: Do it.
Sheldon: What? Did she do it yet?
Amy: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard’s cause.
Sheldon: Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. Don’t just stand there. Take your breasts out.
Howard: Ooh, meerkat fight!
Amy: You’re all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom’s going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that?
Leonard: Way to hit ’em with both barrels.
Raj: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.
Sheldon: Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: What? That was ambiguous.
Raj: Well, now it’s biguous. What are you gonna do about it?
Sheldon: Um…
Howard: You could talk some smack about his mother.
Sheldon: Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.
Leonard: Okay, okay. Guys, what are we doing here?
Sheldon: I don’t know what you’re doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj’s mother for a dollar.
Leonard: Oh, you do what you want, but I don’t want to lose my friends over tenure. Friends are forever.
Howard: So is tenure.
Bernadette: Walk.
Leonard: I’m just gonna go home and let my work speak for itself.
Raj: You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.
Leonard: How about it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: What do you think I should do?
Amy: Well, you’ll always be an academic success, but I seriously question whether you’ll make any more friends.
Sheldon: I don’t want any more, but let’s go.
Barry: Are you kidding? I would wove to baby-sit for you.
Janine: I could not ask you to do that.
Barry: Nonsense. Childwen wove me. Something about me just makes them waugh and waugh.
Leonard: No. We cannot lose to that jerk.
Raj: Yeah, screw it. I’m going in.
Sheldon: Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I’m going in is what I said to your mother last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.
Amy: Should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance.
Scene: Janine’s office.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.
Janine: What?
Sheldon: I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.
Janine: Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.
Sheldon: I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.
Janine: You didn’t bring another gift, did you?
Sheldon: No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.
Janine: Good.
Sheldon: Anyway, thank you.
Janine: You’re welcome. (Sheldon attempts a jive handshake) I’m gonna pretend that didn’t happen.
Sheldon: Yeah, right on, sister.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later.
Penny: Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.
Leonard: Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.
Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Leonard: I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere.
Sheldon: I’m deleting it.
Penny: Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.
Leonard: You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas.
Sheldon: No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.
Leonard: There is no season three. They cancelled that show.
Sheldon: Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.
Leonard: They did.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?
Sheldon: Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.
Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.
Penny: Well, why don’t you make up your own ending?
Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.
Leonard: Oh, please, don’t do that.
Sheldon: No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.
Penny: I feel bad for whoever gets that phone call.
Leonard: Ah, don’t. If they didn’t want to be yelled at by crazy nerds, they shouldn’t have started a sci-fi channel.
Credits sequence
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: I think you’re gonna be really happy with this security camera. The optics are great, it’s got infrared technology, and there’s even a backup battery when the power goes out.
Raj: Whatever. I can see my little princess while I’m at work, right?
Howard: Why can’t you just watch porn like a regular guy? I need your laptop so I can configure the software.
Raj: Wait, hold on. This is weird.
Howard: What?
Raj: I was Googling that girl I’ve been dating, and I found her blog.
Howard: Cool. Anything juicy?
Raj: She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he’s Indian? And he’s an astrophysicist, too?
Howard: You know what’s going on, don’t you?
Raj: Yes, Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.
Howard: I can’t believe I have to explain this. People change names on blogs to protect their privacy. Roger is Raj.
Raj: Oh. I always thought, if I had a white name, it would be Gavin.
Howard: Keep reading. What does it say?
Raj: No, no, I don’t know if I should. If she wanted me to know about her blog, she would’ve told me. It’s almost like I’m reading her diary.
Howard: It’s exactly what it’s like. Keep reading.
Raj: No, this is creepy.
Howard: Oh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rearview mirror when I put up that camera.
Raj: It’s not creepy. Don’t listen to him. Oh, look who’s got the sweetest kisses.
Howard: Should I go?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: With all the TV Sheldon was talking about, I had the greatest idea ever. It even blows away my idea for a Star Wars themed coffee shop called Brewbacca’s. You need to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the perfect show for the two of us. It’s got action and jokes and hot vampires and romance. I cannot oversell this. What do you say?
Penny: It’s six thirty in the morning.
Leonard: I thought you grew up on a farm.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it’s me, and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just. I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about y’all cancelling his favourite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?
Amy: I’m sorry you’re upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.
Amy: Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.
Amy: You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.
Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.
Amy: You sure about that?
Sheldon: Oh, quite sure. (Amy starts a knocking sequence on the table. After staring at her a moment, Sheldon completes it.) That proves nothing.
Scene: Raj’s office.
Howard: Ready to go to lunch?
Raj: Do you think I’m feminine?
Howard: Yeah. Let’s go.
Raj: Thanks a lot.
Howard: What’s going on?
Raj: I broke down, and I read Lucy’s blog, and in one of the entries she said, when we first met, I struck her as a little feminine.
Howard: Just a little? That’s great.
Raj: I have to talk to her about this.
Howard: Oh, geez, why do you girls always want to talk about things? Listen to me, if she’s writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage. Rig the game.
Raj: Well, that doesn’t seem fair.
Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?
Raj: No, it’s not. I’ve always thought that was unfair.
Howard: So take what’s in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
Raj: Why do you have to make everything so filthy? Why couldn’t you just say the blog is like her giving me the key to her heart?
Howard: The key to her heart. That’s nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj: I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women, Sir Elton John.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: So, did you love it? Of course you loved it. How could you not love it? Tell me how much you loved it.
Penny: It was cute.
Leonard: Oh, don’t say cute. That’s the worst.
Penny: What’s wrong with cute?
Leonard: It just makes things seem small. It diminishes them.
Penny: So you want me to stop calling your little tushy cute?
Leonard: You can try, but nobody’s gonna believe you. I just, I don’t understand how you can watch a show that great and not be excited by it.
Penny: I liked it. I’m excited.
Leonard: Well, then, tell your face.
Penny: What do you want from me?
Leonard: You know what? Never mind. We gave it a shot. Let’s just see what else is on.
Penny: Oh, come on, don’t be like that.
Leonard: Well…
Penny: I’m sorry I called it cute. Let’s watch another one.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah, it was fun. Kind of reminded me of my high school. But instead of vampires, we had meth heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.
Leonard: All right, cool. I think you’ll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
Penny: Oh. Well, that’s like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.
Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.
Amy: All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op…
Sheldon: …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?
Amy: I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.
Sheldon: By playing tic-tac-toe?
Amy: Yep. Your turn.
Sheldon: Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.
Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?
Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.
Amy: And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.
Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.
Amy: Come on, you can do this.
Sheldon: You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy: Yeah, sounds like a drag.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?
Bernadette: Well, there was action, it was funny. I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl, but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?
Penny: Yippee, it’s backwards. I get it.
Bernadette: Why does this bother you so much?
Penny: I don’t know. It’s just, he’s so passionate about so many different things. I just don’t get that way. Do you?
Bernadette: Well, sure. I’m pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms. It was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to, I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.
Penny: See? I wish I had some of that fire in my life. I mean, I want to care about things and get excited like you guys.
Bernadette: Well, there’s no reason you can’t.
Penny: You think?
Bernadette: Absolutely. All we need to do is spend a little time and find something you’re passionate about.
Penny: Ugh, that sounds like a lot of work.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard (on webcam): Hey, what’s up?
Raj: Uh, Lucy’s coming over. I need some advice.
Howard: However long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.
Raj: Just tell me which one you think is more manly. This hockey jersey or this football jersey.
Howard: I don’t know. Go with hockey.
Raj: Good, black is more slimming. Oh, that’s her. I got to go be butch. Toodles. Hey.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: Come in.
Lucy: Oh, look how cute your little doggy is.
Raj: Yeah, well, I wouldn’t get too close. If I give the right command in German, she’ll rip your face off.
Scene: The apartment. Montage of scenes.
1. Amy (singing): O’er the land of the free, and the home of the… Next.
2. (Sheldon is laying out an intricate pattern of dominoes) Amy: That’s quite an impressive layout, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Let’s box it up.
Sheldon: Let’s box it up.
3. (Sheldon is turning the handle on a jack-in-the-box. Just before the end of the tune) Amy: That’s enough. Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!
4. Amy: Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles. Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.
Sheldon: Lucky for you, ’cause I wished you were dead.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Lucy: I like your jersey.
Raj: Thanks. I love hockey.
Lucy: Oh, cool. So does my dad. We watched it all the time growing up. Who’s your favourite player?
Raj: Not Brian Boitano, that’s for sure. How’s your burrito?
Lucy: It’s still a little frozen in the middle.
Raj: Probably because I didn’t read the instructions. No wrapper’s going to tell me what to do. Unless his name is Jay-Z.
Lucy: Is something going on?
Raj: What do you mean?
Lucy: Well, you’re acting all weird, and I’m pretty weird, so I think I know what I’m talking about.
Raj: I don’t know. Maybe it’s all those steroids I’ve been taking.
Lucy: I think I’m gonna go. Thank you for the burrito and the pork rinds and the 20-minute lecture on why monster trucks are better than regular trucks.
Raj: Wait, wait. I, I found your blog here you wrote about me.
Lucy: Oh. I kind of just write that for myself. I didn’t think anybody actually read it.
Raj: No kidding. You didn’t make it easy to find. I spent hours digging around online. For the record, you have excellent credit scores. And your diabetic aunt seems to be adjusting to her new leg just fine.
Lucy: Why were you acting so strange tonight?
Raj: You called me feminine. And I, I wanted you to think I was more manly.
Lucy: Raj, I didn’t say feminine was a bad thing. I meant that you’re sweet and thoughtful and your skin looks so much like caramel, I just want to dip an apple in your face.
Raj: I do have a pretty balls-to-the-wall moisturising regimen.
Lucy: So, are you okay?
Raj: Yeah.
Lucy: Good. Do you even like hockey?
Raj: No. Bought this at the Staples Center when I went to see Taylor Swift.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, I was thinking how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard: The Harmony One was fine. We didn’t need to upgrade to the eleven hundred, which he knows is too big for my hand.
Penny: See, that’s the kind of passion I didn’t think I had. But then I realized I’m passionate about you.
Leonard: Oh, my cute little tushy strikes again.
Penny: No, I’m serious. Look, I’ve always had these plans. I was gonna be in movies and live this glamorous life, and anything less than that just wasn’t worth getting excited about.
Leonard: Those things can still happen.
Penny: Oh, obviously it’s gonna happen. Yeah, a psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway, what I meant was, I shouldn’t wait, you know? I’ve got you, I’ve got Sheldon, all these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard: That’s a big deal.
Penny: It is, isn’t it?
Leonard: So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-Con?
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Amy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.
Amy: I’m a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.
Sheldon: Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…
Amy: And?
Sheldon: Doesn’t matter, does it?
Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.)
Sheldon: And a complete sucker.
(Montage of sccenes)
1. (Redraws tic-tac-toe board) Sheldon: Oh, yeah.
2. (Blows out all candles on the cake)
3. (Winds up jack-in-the-box until it pops out.) Sheldon: There he is.
4. Sheldon (singing): And the home of the brave.
5. (Knocks over first of intricate domino pattern) Sheldon: Don’t stop. Yes, keep going. Just like that.
Almost there, almost there. Uh-huh-huh!
Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you’re in my life.
Sheldon: I love you, too.
Scene: Later.
Sheldon: Hello. Uh, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas? Oh, smashing. Yeah, you already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Now, down to business. Um, your show ended on a cliffhanger. Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see. Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here. When you’re happy with those, you press this button.
Penny: Got it.
Sheldon: Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey!
Leonard: Nice shot.
Penny: Eh, his giant head did most of the work.
Sheldon: Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.
Leonard: You’re kidding. He’s still alive?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Who’s Professor Proton?
Leonard: He was the host of this great… Hey!
Penny: Yes! Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton.
Sheldon: Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.
Leonard: It was pretty cool.
Penny: Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti.
Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.
Leonard: Hire him to do what?
Sheldon: Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.
Leonard: It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I?
Sheldon: Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.
Leonard: Do you remember his old theme song?
Sheldon: Of course I do.
Together: Grab your goggles, put your lab coat on, here he comes, Professor Proton.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey, I just found out I have to be at the telescope lab all weekend. Any chance you and Bernadette could take care of my dog?
Howard: Why don’t you put her in a kennel?
Raj: Why don’t you put your mother in a home?
Howard: To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Howard: You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show?
Sheldon: And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.
Howard: How’d you get him to come to your house?
Sheldon: As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.
Leonard: And he wrote him a cheque.
Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. Big cheque.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Uncle Howard. Cinnamon’s here for her sleepover party.
Howard: You know if you had a stroke, she’d eat you, right?
Raj: And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num.
Howard: Okay, so what do I need to know to take care of her?
Raj: It’s very simple. For breakfast, she has an egg-white frittata. Feel free to give her a choice of home fries or an English muffin, but not both. We’re watching our weight. Uh, for dinner, something simple, a veal chop, some scampi, whatever you like.
Howard: Classy dog.
Raj: Yes. Also, don’t forget to close the toilet or she’ll drink out of it.
Howatd: I feel for ya. I’ve got a psychotic mommy, too.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon (off): Leonard, are you in bed?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon (off): Me, too.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon (off): I can’t sleep.
Leonard: Well, I can, so shut up.
Sheldon (off): Do you realize that in less than nine hours, Arthur Jeffries, aka Professor Proton, will be in our apartment?
Leonard: Sheldon, you know that if you stay up all night, you’re gonna be sleepy tomorrow. And a sleepy Sheldon is a cranky Sheldon. And a cranky Sheldon is actually no different than a regular Sheldon. Good night.
Sheldon (off): I’m thinking of wearing a tuxedo.
Leonard: That’s not ridiculous. Good night.
Sheldon (off): Do you have cufflinks?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon (off): Ah, just as well. Where can you rent a tuxedo at three o’clock in the morning?
Leonard: Okay, good night.
Sheldon (off): Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Prof… Ow! Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon (off): I still can’t sleep.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: She really tuckered herself out at the park, huh?
Bernadette: Yeah, you two were so cute playing together.
Howard: It was kind of fun throwing a ball and not having anyone laugh at me.
Bernadette: And you were sweet not to throw it too far so she didn’t wear out her tiny legs.
Howard: Yeah, that’s what I was doing.
Bernadette: You know, there were a few moments today when I almost felt like we were a little family.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Yeah. I never thought of myself as a mom, but when the three of us were out there having fun, I felt like maybe someday we could do it.
Howard: Of course we can. Especially if our baby’s as calm and quiet as little Cinna… Son of a bitch, she’s gone.
Bernadette: Where’d she go?
Howard: I don’t know, she didn’t leave a note.
Bernadette: Well, you were the one who was supposed to put her back in the stroller.
Howard: No, I wasn’t. You were.
Bernadette: No, I wasn’t.
Howard: Yes, you were!.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, you throw like a girl.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’m getting worried.
Penny: Relax, Sheldon, he’s only a few minutes late.
Sheldon: Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.
Leonard: Where is he?
Sheldon: The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you.
(On the third floor landing)
Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.
Arthur: I agree.
Sheldon: Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.
Arthur: Just, just call me Arthur.
Sheldon: Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.
Arthur: No. A friend would’ve, would’ve told me about the elevator.
Sheldon: Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes.
Arthur: Is, uh, is he dangerous?
Leonard: Actually, he’s a genius.
Sheldon: I am.
Arthur: That doesn’t answer my question.
Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I’m, I’m Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny.
Arthur: Hi.
Penny: Hello.
Arthur: Well, I hope I haven’t, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for, for the show.
Sheldon: Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the, the show’s for me. Come on. I’ll race ya, Arthur.
Arthur: Is the, is the blonde girl really your, your girlfriend?
Leonard: Yes, sir.
Arthur: You’re the genius.
(Back in the Apartment)
Penny: So, do you do a lot of appearances like this?
Arthur: It, it’s hard to say. I’m, I’m still trying to figure out what, what th, what this is.
Leonard: We just wanted to hang out with you and maybe learn a little about your life.
Arthur: Well, there, there really isn’t too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children’s parties to, to make a living.
Leonard: That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.
Arthur: You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show?
Sheldon: Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.
Arthur: You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University.
Sheldon: Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?
Arthur: No, no. I, I hate that puppet.
Sheldon: Oh, no. How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino? It’s nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including the shipping!
Arthur: I’m, I’m awake, right? Th, this is happening?
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: Cinnamon!
Howard: Cinnamon!
Bernadette: You know, maybe she doesn’t recognize her name because of Raj’s accent.
Howard: Good thinking. (In a bad Indian accent) Cinnamon, come to Daddy.
Bernadette (likewise): Cinnamon. Where are you, my little lamb chop?
Howard: Nice.
Bernadette: Thanks.
Howard: When this all blows over, remember that voice. It’s kind of a turn-on.
Bernadette: It turns you on when I sound like Raj?
Howard: Cinnamon!
Scene: The apartment.
Arthur: Okay, as, as I put the egg on top, and, and the flame goes out and, and, and the air pressure decreases in, in the flask, what do you think will happen?
Penny: I think I know.
Sheldon: It’s gonna get sucked in. It’s going to get sucked in.
Penny: Okay, I didn’t know.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: See, I’m not a scientist like them.
Arthur: I, I figured that out.
Sheldon: Potato clock. Do potato clock.
Penny: What’s that?
Arthur: I, I power a clock with a, with a potato.
Penny: Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?
Arthur: No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I’m done.
Sheldon: What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away.
Arthur: No, she, she’s the only reason I’ve, I’ve stayed this long.
Leonard: Then what is it?
Arthur: I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more.
Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.
Arthur: What, what has it ever gotten me? I mean, I’m, I’m an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in, in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I’m a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Gino, well, he also did my wife.
Sheldon: Mr. Jeffries, I need to show you something. :14:11,446
Penny: I’m sorry to hear about your troubles.
Arthur: Uh, thanks.
Penny: But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?
Arthur: What do you two talk about?
Sheldon: I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?
Arthur: I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it.
Sheldon: Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.
Arthur: No, I, I get that.
Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.
Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.
Sheldon: Yeah, it’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Arthur: Well, thank, thank you, guys. That, that, that means a lot.
Leonard: It’s important you know how much you mean to us.
Arthur: Uh-oh.
Penny: Arthur, are you okay?
Arthur: I’m having a problem with my pacemaker.
Leonard: I’ll, I’ll call for help.
Penny: Any chance we could plug it into the potato?
Arthur: No.
Scene: The telescope lab. Raj’s phone rings.
Raj: Hello? What do you mean, you found my dog? She’s with my friends. Is she okay? Oh, thank you. Uh, just text me your address, I’m on my way. Oh, and if she’s hungry, go ahead and feed her. But do not give her anything starchy. She’s having risotto for dinner.
Scene: The apartment.
Paramedic: Your vitals are stable, but let’s take you in for some tests just to be safe.
Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance?
Sheldon: I’ll do it.
Arthur: He’s not a relative, he’s not allowed, right?
Paramedic: No, that’s not a rule. He can go.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah.
Arthur: I can’t catch a break today.
Penny: We’ll pack up your stuff and meet you at the hospital.
Leonard: I’m sorry things turned out this way.
Arthur: Well, at, at this point, I’m just glad someone’s carrying me down the stairs.
Sheldon: Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this’ll be the best day ever.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Can’t believe we lost her. What was I thinking? I’d be a terrible mom.
Howard: Well, maybe with the first one. But kids are like pancakes. The first one’s always a throwaway. How’s this look?
Bernadette: It’s fine. Where’d you get that picture of her?
Howard: It’s not her. I just googled foo-foo little dogs. (Skype tone) It’s Raj. Stay quiet. Hey, bad timing. Bernadette just took Cinnamon out for a walk.
Raj: Hmm. Interesting. Did they take a walk down Liars’ Lane?
Howard: What?
Raj: A lane frequented by liars. Like you, you big liar.
Howard: You have her?
Bernadette: Oh, thank God she’s okay.
Raj: Well, I trusted you, and you let me down. The poor thing’s been shaking for hours.
Howard: I’m really sorry.
Bernadette: Hang on, you’ve had her for hours?
Raj: Yes. I picked her up, and then we both went for massages to try and calm down. And then we got Pinkberry.
Bernadette: So you knew she was okay, and you couldn’t pick up the phone to tell us?
Raj: Well, I, I thought about…
Bernadette: Don’t well me, mister. We’ve been worried sick. She could have been dead for all we knew. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Raj: Sorry. I, I just…
Bernadette: Sorry’s not good enough. Maybe you need to take some time and think about what you’ve done.
Howard: Nice guilt trip. You are gonna be an amazing mom.
Scene: A hospital room.
Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Arthur: Thank you, Sheldon. That, that was very nice.
Sheldon: Want me to sing it again?
Arthur: No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm.
Sheldon: There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?
Arthur: No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask.
Sheldon: Name it.
Arthur: Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it.
Sheldon: Oh, you’re not. You look awful.
Arthur: Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?
Arthur: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.
Arthur: Or a Korean family in Alhambra.
Sheldon: But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?
Arthur: Sounds great.
Sheldon: So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.
Arthur: What, Whatever.
Sheldon: Father.
Arthur: Sure, what the hell.
Scene: A taxi
Bernadette: Burbank Airport, please.
Penny: Vegas, here we come.
Bernadette: No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules.
Amy: No rules? We’re not gonna get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group, are we?
Penny: No.
Amy: So there are some rules.
Bernadette: Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
Amy: Thank you. Vegas!
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: The ladies are away, the boys will play.
Raj: Anything can happen.
Leonard: It’s gonna get crazy.
Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.
Scene: The taxi.
Penny: I got a brand-new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these.
Bernadette: I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither, and a can of pepper spray that says close enough, Jack.
Amy: I got some old underwear I’m gonna throw on stage at the Garth Brooks concert.
Penny: I’m sorry, why old?
Amy: ‘Cause last time I saw him, I threw new ones and it got me nothing.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’ve got a brand-new seven piece set of polyhedral dice. Hello, new dice smell.
Leonard: I’ve got my helm of lordly might, my boots of speed, and if things get too exciting, my inhaler of asthma.
Raj: I got my new bloodthirsty savage warrior who will lay waste to all who stand before him. And I had a sensible salad for lunch, so I can eat all the pizza I want.
Howard: Come on, are we gonna sit around chatting like a bunch of teenage girls, or are we gonna play D&D like a bunch of teenage boys who are never gonna have sex with those teenage girls?
Scene: The taxi.
Girls: Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Scene: The apartment.
Boys: The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I’m actually glad Lucy had to work tonight. Saved me the awkward conversation about how I was gonna be hanging with my bros.
Howard: Isn’t every conversation you two have awkward?
Raj: Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her.
Howard: Ready whenever you guys are.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.
Leonard: Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.
Sheldon: Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me.
Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.
Leonard: See, Howard’s just as good a dungeon master as I am.
Sheldon: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes.
Raj: Hey, come on, guys, focus. Um, uh, oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree, we thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors, and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal. (Text sound) Oh, Lucy’s free after all. See ya.
Leonard: Hey, hey, hey, you can’t leave. We just started.
Raj: You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.
Howard: We’ll be fine, watch. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali’s bloody corpse, and says, (Raj voice) don’t worry, buddies, ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest. (Nicolas Cage voice) Well, I’m just a tree, but if I were you, I’d listen to your ghost friend.
Sheldon: Go on, give him your lunch money.
Scene: A restaurant
Raj: I’m very happy you were able to hang out tonight.
Lucy: Me, too.
Raj: Not that it’s up to you to make me happy. Uh, well, unless you find neediness sexy. In which case, you’re about to have dinner with the hottest man on the planet.
Lucy: Can I tell you something? I was so nervous about seeing you, before I left my apartment, I put roll-on antiperspirant all over my body.
Raj: Really?
Lucy: Yeah. If sweat starts squirting out the top of my head, you’ll know why.
Raj: I, uh, I’m sorry to put you through that.
Lucy: Oh, it’s okay. I’ve been trying to force myself to do things that make me scared.
Raj: What else have you been thinking about doing?
Lucy: Well, let’s see. I’d love to be able to tell the lady who cuts my hair that I don’t like bangs.
Raj: I like your bangs.
Lucy: Oh, thanks, I like ’em, too.
Raj: What else?
Lucy: Mmm, it’s kind of a tie between sending food back in a restaurant and saying no to those kids who sell magazines door-to-door.
Raj: Mm, yeah. Those are both toughies.
Lucy: I know. I have a two-year subscription to Guns & Ammo.53
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.
Howard: Uh, it does. (Creaking sound)
Sheldon: He does sound effects, too!
Leonard: Hey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. (Clicking sounds) Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn. (Strange howl)
Sheldon: Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects. (Blows raspberry)
Penny: Guess who?
Howard: What are you doing back?
Bernadette: That’s an excellent question. Amy?
Amy: Uh, well, when we were going through security, I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette: Long story short, she’s on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy: I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.
Amy: You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend.
Sheldon: Ah, that’s my girl.
Leonard: No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun.
Sheldon: It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?
Leonard: What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.
Sheldon: Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.
Penny: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.
Leonard: So, what do you say?
Sheldon: I’ll leave it up to the dungeon master.
Howard: A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, (Al Pacino voice) You’re playing D&D. You’re playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D.
Scene: Later, the same.
Penny: Okay, who wants a drink?
Sheldon: Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment.
Penny: Oh, this isn’t alcohol. It’s a magic potion that makes me like you.
Leonard: Double potion, please.
Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!
Sheldon: Okay, literal goose bumps. Look.
Howard: What do you do?
Leonard: I draw my broadsword.
Sheldon: I ready my quarter-staff.
Penny: I drink my potion.
Bernadette: I say we attack the big one.
Penny: You know what? Give me the dice, I want to roll.
Howard: The dungeon master’s supposed to roll.
Penny: Yeah, well I’m supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. All right, what do I need?
Howard: Uh, fifteen or higher.
Penny: Fifteen’s the point, the point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we’re playing for money.
Sheldon: Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points.
Penny: More potion, please.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: The restaurant.
Raj: How are your crab cakes?
Lucy: Kind of funky.
Raj: That’s great.
Lucy: It is? Does funky mean something different in India?
Raj: No, no. Uh, you’ve always wanted to send your food back in a restaurant, here’s your chance.
Lucy: Mmm, it’s okay. I just won’t eat ’em.
Raj: Don’t be ridiculous. Waiter?
Waiter: Everything all right?
Lucy: Uh, yeah. Everything all right with you?
Waiter: Yes.
Lucy: ‘Kay, thanks, bye.
Raj: Hold on. Isn’t there something else you wanted to tell him?
Lucy: N-No, it, it’s fine. Uh, He’s from a different country, he doesn’t understand our ways.
Raj: Don’t be silly. Just tell him.
Lucy: I have to go to the bathroom. And it’s not because the crab cakes are funky.
Waiter: So you’re okay here?
Raj: Uh, yeah, sorry. She’s just a little shy. The first time we met, she was so nervous, she climbed out a bathroom window to get away from me.
Scene: Lucy climbs out of bathroom window to find a locked gate.
Lucy: Uh-oh. (Dials phone) Hey, Raj. Funny story.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Come on, mama wants a pair of dead ogres.
Howard: Seventeen, the larger ogre is dead. The-the other ogre says, you killed my brother, now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined.
Sheldon: That is amazing. He made me care about the ogre.
Leonard: All right, Amy, there’s one ogre left. Take him out.
Amy: Okay.
Penny: Pretend he’s that TSA agent. Come on.
Amy: Nineteen. Yes, this is turning out to be even better than Vegas.
Penny: No, it’s not.
Scene: An alley behind the restaurant.
Raj: Lucy?
Lucy: Hey. Long time no see.
Raj: You don’t know me very well, but each time you crawl out a bathroom window to escape my company, it chips away at my masculinity.
Lucy: I’m sorry.
Raj: Why would you leave like that?
Lucy: You were pushing me. I clearly didn’t want to send my food back, and you tried to make me do it anyway.
Raj: Okay, if I upset you, then why didn’t you just say something?
Lucy: Well, how can I tell you I’m upset if I can’t tell the woman at Supercuts that my forehead’s my best feature? It’s scary.
Raj: Yeah, well, I like you a lot, and that’s scary for me. Mostly because you’re a proven flight risk.
Lucy: How could you like me a lot?
Raj: Well, uh, for one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do, and I find that very attractive in a woman. I, I don’t know. I just, I think you’re wonderful.
Lucy: I’m sweating out of my head.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano.
Sheldon: Yay!
Howard: But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack.
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?
Howard: Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot.
Sheldon: The dragon’s Christopher Walken. That’s perfect.
Leonard: All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off.
Amy: Here we go. Fifteen?
Howard: It’s a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground.
Sheldon: Wait. Wait. And says?
Howard: Mother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.
Bernadette: This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.
Howard: Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure.
Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.
Amy: Sheldon, they’re talking about sex.
Sheldon: Oh, then I’m out.
Penny: Ooh, I have an idea. Since it’s not happening any time soon, why don’t your character and your character do it in the game?
Bernadette: Ooh! Come on, back me up here.
Howard: Oh.
Together: Ooh!
Bernadette: Okay, I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy.
Leonard: Ooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that.
Howard: The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?
Amy: I don’t like this.
Sheldon: You see what happens when you let girls play D&D?
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
Amy: You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.
Sheldon: Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.
Amy: I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
Amy: Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon: Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy: And now?
Sheldon: And now what?
Amy: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.
Amy: Wow. Talk dirty to me.
Sheldon: I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy: I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more.
Sheldon: More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.
Amy: Come on. Let’s go back out there.
Sheldon: Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.
Amy: Oh.
Sheldon: What do you do?
Amy: I kiss you on the lips.
Sheldon: I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.
Amy: I remove your armour. What do you do?
Sheldon: I erotically caress your (Rolls dice) nose.
Amy: Keep rolling.
Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Hey, you guys have been in there for a while. You doing okay?
Sheldon (off): We’re fine, thank you.
Penny: Okay, we just want to say, we feel really bad about…
Amy: Go away! Sheldon is nibbling on my (sound of dice) 14! Yes!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: So, anyway, last night on video chat, I spent, like, twenty minutes just staring into Lucy’s eyes.
Leonard: Oh, that sounds romantic.
Raj: It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.
Leonard: So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl?
Raj: I’d love that, but she’s not really comfortable around people.
Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.
Leonard: How’s that been working for you?
Sheldon: Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt.
Howard: Leonard, I may have gotten you a job.
Leonard: I have a job.
Sheldon: Yes, he does. He caters to my every whim.
Howard: No, in a couple of weeks, Stephen Hawking’s team is sending an expedition to the North Sea to test hydrodynamic simulations of black holes. One of their experimental physicists dropped out, and I recommended you.
Leonard: Well, do you really think I have a shot?
Howard: Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.
Leonard: He knows, wow.
Sheldon: Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?
Raj: Hey, don’t discourage him. This is a fantastic opportunity.
Sheldon: No one asked you, Uhura.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?
Leonard: What do you think?
Sheldon: Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?
Leonard: Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.
Sheldon: Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.
Leonard: I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone.
Sheldon: I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?
Leonard: Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that’s going to stop me.
Sheldon: Very well. Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn’t change anything. I should have opened with that, huh?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Lucy is looking through Raj’s telescope.
Raj: If you look carefully at Venus, you should be able to see the International Space Station pass by.
Lucy: Wow. Your friend was actually up there?
Raj: Yeah. He brought me back a T-shirt that said My Friend Went to the Space Station and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
Lucy: Did he take the T-shirt to space?
Raj: Nope. It’s exactly as lousy as advertised. Speaking of friends, they have been asking to meet you. I was thinking maybe we could all hang out sometime?
Lucy: I don’t know. How many are there?
Raj: Let’s see. Six. That’s pretty cool, I have six friends. Kind of like Sinatra.
Lucy: Six strangers? That’s a lot of pressure. Staring at me, asking me personal questions. Like, what do you do? Where are you from? Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom?
Raj: Okay, how about you just dip your toe in and meet one of them?
Lucy: Will you be there?
Raj: Of course.
Lucy: Well, that’s two. Three if you count me. Oh, this is getting out of hand.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, then, during my afternoon shift, I spilled an entire tray of drinks on myself.
Leonard: Oh, that’s awful.
Penny: Not really. My shirt was soaking wet. I got, like, the biggest tip of my life.
Leonard: So, listen, do you remember when I said the similarities of the equations of general relativity and hydrodynamics suggest you could find the equivalent of Unruh radiation in a large body of water?
Penny: I thought I said that to you.
Leonard: Anyway, Stephen Hawking’s team is looking into that, and I’ve been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow, Hawking. Good for you.
Leonard: Well, it is. Just, you know, I’d be gone for a while.
Penny: Well, how long?
Leonard: Three, four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard: Couple of weeks.
Penny: Wow. Oh, okay, well, I’ll just come visit you.
Leonard: That’s the thing, you can’t. I’ll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren’t they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard: Uh, he’s not gonna be there. He’s just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh, sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Wow. Okay. Four months.
Leonard: Yeah. And I’m a little worried because things between us have been so great, and I’d hate to do anything that screws that up.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, if you’re gonna screw things up, it’s gonna be while you’re here, not while you’re away. No. I mean, look, you have to go. It sounds like an amazing opportunity. And I’m just basing that on how much I didn’t understand what you said about it.
Leonard: Okay. I’ll confirm the travel arrangements in the morning.
Penny: Okay. Good.
Leonard: I do have to ask you one favour.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Sheldon’s nervous about me leaving. Just keep an eye on him while I’m gone.
Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?
Leonard: Well, flush Sheldon down the toilet and get me a new one.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Really, you guys do not need to throw me a going-away party.
Howard: Are you kidding me? How often can you say bon voyage to somebody when they’re actually going on a voyage?
Amy: Hello, Rajesh.
Howard (in Raj accent): Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.
Leonard: There’s beer in the fridge. Anyway, you guys really don’t need to make a big deal.
Sheldon: Leonard, you’re being selfish. We need to give you a proper send-off so we’ll have closure when you die at sea and crabs eat your face.
Penny: Sheldon, sweetie, shut up.
Bernadette: You know, one of the things that helped me get through Howard being in space for so long was getting married before he left.
Penny: Bernadette, sweetie, shut up.
Raj: Okay. I have a request to make.
Amy: And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.
Raj: The only person allowed inside this head is Dr. Phil. Anyway, I, I spoke to my new lady friend about meeting you all, and she thought it would be easier for her to start with just one.
Sheldon: Oh, gee, I don’t know. My schedule’s a little busy.
Raj: Actually, I was thinking Leonard.
Leonard: Oh. Thank you, Raj. I’d be honoured.
Howard: What the hell? I thought I was your best friend.
Raj: You are, but you’ve got kind of a big personality, with your flashy clothes and your Woody Allen swagger.
Penny: You know, maybe she’d be more comfortable meeting a girl first.
Raj: Good idea. Bernadette?
Penny: What the hell?
Raj: Well, you’re very pretty. That could be intimidating to another woman.
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Bernadette: Hey, you don’t think I’m pretty enough to scare your girlfriend?
Howard: Calm down, Bernie. You’re very scary.
Amy: It should be me.
Raj: Why? So you can make jokes about cutting open my brain?
Amy: A, that was not a joke, that was a sincere request. And B, more importantly, I was the outsider to this group, and I know how frightening that can be. But you guys took me in and made me feel loved, like I was family.
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Amy: So, after I started dating Sheldon, I met Leonard, and then everybody else, and they’ve all been so wonderful to me.
Lucy: That’s really nice to hear.
Amy: Maybe next week, we could all get together.
Raj: Oh, Lucy, you don’t have to answer that. Don’t put her on the spot. She hates that. Am I right? Tell her how much you hate being put on the spot. Go ahead, tell her.
Amy: Ignore him. He’s a little nervous ’cause he doesn’t think I understand the severity of your social anxiety.
Raj: What the? Are you crazy? You can’t talk about social anxiety to someone who has social anxiety. It makes them socially anxious!
Amy: Excuse me, but I’m a neurobiologist. I think I’m a little more qualified than you to understand what’s not working in your girlfriend’s brain!
Raj: Don’t call her my girlfriend. We haven’t discussed whether or not we’re girlfriend or boyfriend yet. Now that it’s out there, are you my girlfriend? By the way, if you say no, I’ll never be happy again. Not to put you on the spot.
Lucy: I think I have to go to the bathroom.
Raj: We might as well go ahead and eat. She’s not coming back anytime soon.
Scene: A store.
Sheldon: This is ridiculous, we’re shopping for a party and this store doesn’t even have a party section.
Penny: Yeah, it does, and here we are.
Sheldon: You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.
Penny: Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.
Penny: Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out.
Sheldon: It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.
Penny: Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard.
Sheldon: I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.
Penny: Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job.
Sheldon: It was you.
Penny: It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair…
Sheldon: You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.
Penny: I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do.
Sheldon: They lie so they don’t look petty.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: How?
Penny: Like this. I am so happy for you.
Sheldon: Wow. No wonder you didn’t get that toothpaste commercial.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (on skype): Hey.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: I want to apologize for Amy last night. She was completely out of line. Are you, are you not speaking to me or did the screen freeze again?
Lucy: Amy wasn’t the problem.
Raj: Okay. I know. It was me. I, I pushed too hard. I’m sorry.
Lucy: Thank you.
Raj: You know, I, I’ve been thinking that maybe meeting somebody one-on-one is too intense, so Friday night, my friends are having a party.
Lucy: A party?
Raj: A little one. It’s, it’s a farewell for Leonard, so all the attention will be on him. If you wear something brown and sit on the couch, they won’t even know you’re there.
Lucy: I’m not sure.
Raj: Oh, please?
Lucy: Raj.
Raj: Come on. Don’t make me beg. And I’m from India, so I know how to do it.
Lucy: Okay.
Raj: Yeah, thank you! This means a lot to me. My friends are like my family. Unless you don’t like them, in which case, they’re dead to me.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: So, have you ever spent a long time on a boat before?
Leonard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Are you referring to the time we got stuck on the Small World ride at Disneyland?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: I’m proud of you, Leonard. Working out on the North Sea for months, that’s really something.
Leonard: I know. As far as science goes, this is the adventure of a lifetime.
Howard: Maybe your lifetime. I went to space.
Leonard: It’s not a competition.
Howard: You’re right, you’re right. I’m really proud of you, and I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. And space beats water.
Amy: Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming.
Raj: She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay?
Sheldon: Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.
Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon. That must’ve been very hard for you to say.
Sheldon: Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers.
Howard: Cheers.
Penny: Cheers.
Howard: It was really nice of you to try to be happy for Leonard.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Howard: It must’ve killed you when I went to space.
Raj (Looking at phone): Oh, no.
Howard: Buddy, you okay? Oh, man.
Bernadette: What’s going on?
Raj: Uh, go ahead. Read it.
Howard: Raj, I can’t come to the party. This is all just too much for me. I don’t think we should see each other any more. Sorry. Lucy.
Raj: Excuse me.
Penny: Raj, I’m so sorry.
Amy: Me, too.
Sheldon: It did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.
Scene: Penny’s car, outside the Airport.
Penny: Well, here we are.
Leonard: Yep. I’m really gonna miss you.
Penny: I’m gonna miss you, too.
Sheldon: Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law.
Penny: Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so…
Leonard: Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good.
Sheldon: All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.
Leonard: Would you just relax?
Sheldon: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport.
Penny: Did you bring enough inhalers?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: And, uh, extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It’s a Small World.
Leonard: I’m covered.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made.
Leonard: Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Sheldon: It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.
Penny: I love you.
Leonard: I love you, too.
Sheldon: Don’t worry, Officer. They just love each other. We’re not smuggling drugs.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Penny: Raj, it’s Penny. Are you in there?
Raj: Hang on.
Penny: Hey. I’m just coming back from the airport. I wanted to see how you’re doing.
Raj: That’s, that’s very nice of you. Uh, come, come. Come on in.
Penny: Can’t stay long. I left Sheldon in the car with the window cracked open. He’s gonna go through that activity book in, like, 30 seconds, so… Are you okay?
Raj: No.
Penny: Oh. I’m so sorry.
Raj: No. It’s my fault. You know, I finally found someone who was right for me, and I, I drove her away.
Penny: Oh, Raj.
Raj: Penny, I, I miss her already.
Penny: I know how you feel. I miss Leonard, too.
Raj: What’s like, what is wrong with me? Why, why can’t I ever have love?
Penny: You will.
Raj: No, I, I won’t. I’m, I’m unlovable.
Penny: That’s just the booze talking.
Raj: No, it’s not. I haven’t had a drink since last night.
Penny: You’re talking to me.
Raj: I am. And now I’m crying for a whole different reason!
Penny: Oh, me, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: So I guess what I’m saying is I get where Lucy’s coming from.
Penny: That’s great. Do you want some wine?
Raj: Uh, no, water’s fine. Anyhow, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and, and I totally see why Lucy did what she did. I pushed too hard. But you know what? If I back off and give her enough space, maybe there’s still a future for us. Yeah, the funny thing about life is that, you know, sometimes…
Amy: Does he ever shut up?
Raj: … but then it turns good again, and that means it’s better than if it had never been bad for a while. I know that now, thing’s aren’t good, they are in fact very very bad but at least my heart is starting to heal. Slowly but surely. And oh how I cried. It was like a little, uh, thunderstorm on my face. But I’m a man, okay? So I need to pull myself together, pick up a pen and get it all out in my journal. I mean, it’s not all bad, right? Having my heart broken has allowed me to finally speak in front of you, so, you know, a silver lining….
Scene: On the deck of a ship on the North Sea, in the middle of a storm. Leonard is on a sat-phone.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not a great time, what do you want?
Sheldon (in the apartment): Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?
Leonard: Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here.
Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?
Leonard: What was what?
Sheldon: This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.
Leonard: Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)
Sheldon: No!
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.
Penny: Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?
Sheldon: To be honest, I did.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.
Penny: Good night.
Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.
Penny: You know what? That would make me feel better. Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: I think you’d be pleased to hear that this morning in the parking garage I saw this oil stain on the ground that was shaped just like my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, and I didn’t get upset at all.
Howard: I’m proud of you.
Raj: Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good.
Sheldon: Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.
Raj: Is that true?
Sheldon: Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.
Howard: Come on, you can talk to girls now. It shouldn’t be hard for you to meet someone new.
Raj: How can I meet someone new when everywhere I look, I see Lucy’s face? Tell me you don’t see her smile in the crust of this chicken pot pie.
Howard: Oh, will you stop it. Now, listen to me, there’s a welcome party for incoming post-docs tonight. Go to it and meet someone who isn’t made of grease or pie.
Raj: You think you’re so cool because your wife is a person?
Howard: Look, Bernie’s at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I’ll go with you.
Raj: You would do that for me?
Howard: Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.
Raj: Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy’s out of town, would you like to join us?
Sheldon: I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.
Scene: A hotel room.
Bernadette (on phone): Howie, stop. I can’t talk like that. Amy’s right here.
Amy (on phone): Sheldon, stop. For the last time, I will not bring home bed bugs.
Bernadette: The hotel’s nice. There’s a pool, a gym, the bar looks like fun.
Amy: Because I looked in the bed, and there are no bugs.
Bernadette: Aw, I love you, too. If I don’t talk to you before you go to sleep, I’ll meet you in dreamland.
Amy: Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains…
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.
Penny: Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.
Penny: Mmm.
Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot.
Sheldon: Well, I try.
Penny: All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with.
Sheldon: Great. I’ll go first.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one’s gone all cattywampus.
Scene: The mixer party.
Raj: Wow, your work on jellyfish neural nets sounds so interesting.
Girl: It is. You can download my paper off the university server.
Raj: I will. You can download my paper on the Van Allen Belts from the university server as well.
Girl: I will.
Raj: All right.
Howard: How’d it go?
Raj: Well, if you like dry, factual statements interspersed with painful moments of silence, it was bananas.
Howard: Check it out. Mrs. Davis from Human Resources is here. She’s probably on the lookout for sexual harassment.
Raj: Oh, great. There go my chances of being sexually harassed.
Howard: I heard her husband left her for a hot, young undergrad.
Raj: That’s so much better than the old, ugly ones.
Mrs Davis: Mr. Wolowitz, Dr. Koothrappali.
Howard: Mrs. Davis, nice to see you.
Raj: You know, I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.
Mrs Davis: Okay.
Raj: So if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember, penguins get cheated on, and they’re adorable.
Howard: It was better when you couldn’t talk to women.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Bernadette: I was thinking of going to the lecture on posterior cingulate cortex lesions in the formation of autobiographical memory.
Amy: Oh, brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they’re yours, then they’re a drag.
Bernadette: To the advancement of science.
Amy: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.
Bernadette: This is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.
Amy: Which is fine, but it’s nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.
Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar.
Amy: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Bernadette: Be cool.
Amy: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.
Bernadette: You’re right. Thank you.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move.
Penny: Really? Why?
Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below.
Penny: So that means I lose, right? It’s over?
Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.
Penny: Okay, let’s take a break.
Sheldon: We’re all out of alcohol.
Penny: I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much.
Sheldon: Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.
Penny: I’m calling him.
Sheldon: Oh, goodie, put him on speaker phone.
Leonard (on board boat, at a party, dancing): Excuse me, ladies, my pants are buzzing. North Sea, how can I kelp you?
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Penny? Hey, it’s Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny.
Everybody: Hi, Penny!
Penny: Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.
Leonard: Best time of my life.
Sheldon: Isn’t it five thirty in the morning there?
Leonard: Is it? Hey, everybody, it’s five thirty in the morning!
Penny: Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you.
Random voice: Iceberg!
Leonard: Uh-oh, hang on.
Sheldon: Are you in danger?
Leonard: No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot!
Everybody: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!
Penny: Leonard, Leonard? I cannot believe we were missing that jerk.
Sheldon: You were.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Amy: So what happened? How’d it go?
Bernadette: It’s fine. I thanked them again and let them know we’re not available.
Amy: So I can drink this without having to give up the goodies?
Bernadette: Yes, it’s all cool. Although, if you wanted to talk to one of them, no one would blame you.
Amy: And why would no one blame me?
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m saying.
Amy: Well, it sounds like you’re saying that I could do better than Sheldon.
Bernadette: Boy, these drinks are strong. Hoo, mama, I’m gonna be huggin’ the toilet tonight.
Amy: No, tell me, I want to know what you meant by that.
Bernadette: I just meant that you’re not married and your boyfriend’s kind of, Sheldon.
Amy: And your husband is extremely Howard. What’s your point?
Bernadette: Sorry. I have no point. That was a stupid thing to say. Can we please just go back to having a nice time?
Amy: We could, but unfortunately my brain is lesion-free and I remember that rotten thing you just said about my sweet baboo.
Bernadette: Come on. I apologize. Can we please just let it go?
Amy: Sure.
Bernadette: Thanks.
Amy: Your husband’s weird and his clothes are ridiculous.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
Sheldon: That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
Penny: No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.
Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.
Penny: Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting?
Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?
Penny: No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.
Penny: This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time?
Sheldon: Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?
Penny: Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.
Sheldon: Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.
Penny: He did?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Oh, that’s really sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.
Penny: Well, now I miss him even more.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.
Penny: Thanks.
Sheldon: Oh, seriously?
Scene: The mixer.
Raj: Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Davis?
Mrs Davis: What?
Raj: I’d like to apologize for being insensitive. And for possibly making penguins seem like jerks, because 99% of them are stand-up guys.
Mrs Davis: Forget about it.
Raj: You know, you, you and I, you and I have a lot in common.
Mrs Davis: Is that right?
Raj: Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.
Penny: Come on. It’s still early. Let’s do something.
Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.
Penny: How about we just talk?
Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess…
Penny: No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.
Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.
Penny: How about I go first?
Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.
Penny: Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon: I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.
Penny: That’s your big revelation?
Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.
Penny: Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed.
Sheldon: Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.
Penny: What did I do?
Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.
Penny: I, I didn’t think it was a big deal.
Sheldon: It is to me; that’s the point.
Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better.
Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.
Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?
Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake?
Penny: Come on.
Sheldon: Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.
Scene: The hotel room.
Bernadette: Good night.
Amy: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.
Bernadette: Yeah, that felt nice.
Amy: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.
Bernadette: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?
Amy: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.
Bernadette: Oh, good, ’cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I’d have to teach him a thing or two.
Amy: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It’d be nice to be with a man who wants to know what’s underneath my cardigan. FYI, it’s another cardigan.
Bernadette: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.
Amy: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.
Both: Good night.
Scene: The mixer.
Mrs Davis: All right, Dr. Koothrappali, it’s been nice talking to you, but I need to go home and relieve my babysitter.
Raj: Yeah, I can relate to being a single parent. I have a dog.
Mrs Davis: Yeah, it’s exactly the same thing. Good night.
Raj: Mrs. Davis, I, uh, I must confess, I came here tonight in a futile attempt to pick up some lonely postdoc, but instead I got to connect with you at a human level. That’s a much better evening. You’re a lovely person.
Mrs Davis: Are you hitting on me?
Raj: No, no, no, that would be crazy. I mean, if I were hitting on you, you’d know it ’cause you’d feel uncomfortable and a little sad for me.
Mrs Davis: You’re sweet. Good night, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: Good night.
Howard: Looks like she accepted your apology.
Raj: And then some. I think we had a moment.
Howard: Oh, please, you did not have a moment.
Raj: Who died and made you king of moments?
Howard: Okay, fine. Let’s say there was a moment.
Raj: There was.
Howard: There wasn’t. But, but even if there was, what are you gonna do about it?
Raj: I will slowly seduce her until she falls helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I can give her.
Howard: So nothing.
Raj: No, not a thing.
Scene: A bathroom shower.
Penny (acting): Ah, I’m so glad the police finally caught that psychotic genetically engineered ape.
Leonard (on ship): That is my girlfriend. I swear to God.
Everyone (on ship): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard!
Penny: Aaaaaaah!
Scene: The stairwell
Sheldon: And here’s another interesting weather fact.
Penny: Another? Great.
Sheldon: Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.
Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere.
Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.
Penny: You know, I will miss this.
Sheldon: I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.
Penny: I won’t.
Sheldon: That criticism will come later in your report card.
Penny: Yeah, I didn’t stay for the detention, I’m not gonna read the report card.
Leonard (in Penny’s apartment): Hello.
Penny (screams): Leonard! Hi!
Leonard: Keep your voice down.
Penny: Oh, my God. You weren’t supposed to be here till Sunday.
Leonard: We finished the experiment early, so I thought I’d come home and surprise you.
Penny: Oh, my gosh, why are we whispering?
Leonard: I didn’t tell Sheldon, so we could have a few days alone.
Penny: Oh, that is so romantic.
Leonard: Uh, sure, that’s why I did it.
Penny: Oh, I just cannot believe you’re here.
Sheldon (off): Penny, it’s your lucky day. Three of the eggs are clearly not jumbo. Grab your keys.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.
Stuart: Happy to, unless it’s hope or a reason to live.
Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.
Stuart: Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.
Sheldon: Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector.
Sheldon: I’m a real collector. How rare is it?
Stuart: Oh, I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun?
Sheldon: Don’t try and trick me into buying something I don’t want. Now let’s talk Aquaman.
Howard: What were they thinking, putting Doctor Octopus’s mind in Spider-Man’s body?
Raj: Well, I’ve been quite enjoying that. It combines all the superhero fun of Spider-Man with all the body-switching shenanigans of Freaky Friday. Both versions, original and Lohan.
Howard: Both versions: original and Lohan. You’re an idiot.
Raj: Hey, what’s your problem?
Howard: I’m sorry, I’ve been kind of snippy lately. It’s probably this stupid diet I’m on.
Raj: Why are you on a diet?
Howard: I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.
Raj: Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost.
Sheldon: Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.
Stuart: All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this.
Sheldon: Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.
Stuart: Ooh, yeah, I don’t know. This squirt gun, it’s, uh, it’s pretty rare.
Sheldon: Oh.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: And this is me doing the Titanic pose on the boat.
Penny: Ah.
Leonard: And, oh, that’s me getting rescued after I fell in.
Penny: Oh. (Knock on door) Oh, that’s the pizza.
Leonard: Yep. Here’s some money.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: And I’m gonna hit the head. That’s what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee-pee.
Penny: Hey.
Pizza guy: Twenty-two fifty.
Penny: Okay, here’s, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change.
Pizza guy: Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.
Penny: Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food.
Penny: That’s nice.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.
Penny: Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so…
Sheldon: Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.
Penny: Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night!
Sheldon: What, now, do you have company?
Penny: No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so…
Sheldon: Oh, I can take a look at it.
Penny: Well…
Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.
Penny: Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom.
Sheldon: That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?
Penny: Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem.
Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: That’s odd.
Penny: Um, what?
Sheldon: There are takeout containers in the trash can.
Penny: So? That’s my dinner from last night.
Sheldon: What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.
Penny: Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself.
Sheldon: Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Do you want to go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt gun?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Hi, honey.
Howard: Hey.
Bernadette: I made some brownies. You want one?
Howard: You’re kidding, right? I mean, you know I’m trying to lose weight. God, I thought we were partners in this marriage.
Bernadette: We are. Stop it. And for the last time, you’re not fat.
Howard: Really? Tell that to the bathroom scale, ’cause one of you is lying.
Bernadette: Fine, forget I asked. How was dinner at your mom’s?
Howard: Awful. I had to rub her ointment all over her again.
Bernadette: Why can’t she do it?
Howard: ‘Cause we’ve got a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which reminds me, do you think you can get any samples of this from work? This was supposed to last her a month, but they didn’t take into account the square footage of her back.
Bernadette: Let me see. How long have you been putting this on her?
Howard: I don’t know. Few weeks. Why?
Bernadette: This is really strong oestrogen cream. Please tell me you’ve been wearing gloves.
Howard: Like these swollen sausages could fit in gloves.
Bernadette: Howie, the oestrogen’s getting absorbed by your skin. That’s why you’ve been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
Howard: You’re full of oestrogen and you don’t act like that.
Bernadette: That’s ’cause I’m a woman. I’ve had years of practice riding the dragon.
Howard: Fine. I’ll wear gloves next time.
Bernadette: It’s still gonna take a few weeks for the hormones to leave your system.
Howard: I feel so stupid. And fat.
Bernadette: It’s okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don’t we go in the bedroom and I’ll prove it to you?
Howard: Sex? Really? I mean, that’s just your solution to everything.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Oh, and here’s a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you’re not even listening to the rules of my made-up language.
Sheldon: Yes, I am.
Amy: Then what does tweepadock mean?
Sheldon: Uh, elephant?
Amy: Lucky guess.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.
Amy: What happened?
Sheldon: I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.
Amy: I don’t think Penny would cheat on Leonard.
Sheldon: Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.
Amy: You’re being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Amy, there were Chinese food containers in the trash can.
Amy: Poor Leonard.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy listening at Penny’s door.
Amy: Do you hear anything?
Sheldon: I hear a woman’s voice.
Amy: Is it Penny?
Sheldon: No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.
Amy: Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like.
Sheldon: There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.
Amy: Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard.
Sheldon: Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)
Amy: No, Sheldon, don’t.
Sheldon: Aha.
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon: Leonard?
Penny: Sheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that.
Sheldon: Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I should’ve told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.
Leonard: That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying.
Penny: No, he doesn’t.
Leonard: I actually have used those exact words before. In that order.
Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.
Leonard: The what?
Sheldon: Amy?
Amy: Please leave me out of this.
Sheldon: Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.
Leonard: Come on, I said I was sorry.
Sheldon: No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny.
Penny: It was fine.
Leonard: Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It’s that sailor cap that you wanted. It’s neat, huh?
Sheldon: You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir?
Leonard: I don’t. I really don’t. Just try it on. Oh, yeah.
Amy: Hello, sailor.
Penny: Ooh, now we’re talking.
Sheldon: Excuse me. This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I’m wearing this year. Amy, you’re going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Thanks for coming over.
Raj: No problem. Ooh, you made little sandwiches.
Howard: Yeah, that’s cucumber and cream cheese. That’s turkey and loganberry. And don’t tell my hips, but I’m warming up a brie in the oven.
Raj: Nice. So, mmm. What’s up?
Howard: Okay, well, I’ve been reading up on all the side effects you can get from oestrogen, and, I need you to be honest with me. Do my boobs look bigger to you?
Raj: Well, it’s kind of hard to tell.
Howard: Come on, Raj, it’s a yes or no question.
Raj: I’m not sure. Um, wait. Jump up and down, let’s see if they jiggle. Uh, no, I, I still can’t tell, uh, oh, you know what? Okay, uh, give me some of this.
Howard: Seriously?
Raj: Do you want my help or not?
Howard: Fine.
Raj: Okay, yup. See, see, that, that looks like, that looks like they could be bigger. But you know, I bet, I bet when I do it, mine do the same thing.
Howard: Yeah, they kind of do.
Raj: Hmm. Uh, let me see something. (Grabs his boob)
Howard: Hey, easy, my nipples are sensitive.
Raj: Oh. Sorry, sorry, uh, okay. (Grabs boob again. Behind them, Bernadette walks in) I mean, yeah, maybe.
Howard: Okay, let me feel. No, I am definitely up a cup size.
Raj: You know, but, but they’re very firm, so you’ve got that going for you.
Howard: You think?
Raj: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very perky.
Howard: Thank you. I really needed to hear that today. (Bernadette rolls eyes and walks out) Ooh, brie’s ready.
Raj: Yay.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Good morning.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?
Sheldon: Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
Leonard: I’m going to work. You can come if you want.
Sheldon: Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.
Leonard: No, I don’t.
Sheldon: Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.
Leonard: I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell.
Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?
Leonard: Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t?
Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.
Leonard: Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?
Sheldon: I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.
Leonard: Fine. What I did was wrong.
Sheldon: I wish I could believe you.
Leonard: You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying.
Sheldon: You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.
Leonard: Stop it.
Sheldon: Keep it up?
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Hello. So I guess you’re really holding up the other four fingers?
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Oh, hey, what are you doing here so early?
Amy: Driving Sheldon to work.
Penny: He’s still mad at Leonard, huh?
Amy: Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.
Penny: I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good.
Sheldon: Thought I heard you out here.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.
Penny: Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months.
Sheldon: You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?
Amy: Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…
Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.
Amy: You want to take the bus to work?
Sheldon: Maybe there’s a third option.
Amy: FYI, I had a doughnut for breakfast, you jerk.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: So now we’re just waiting for the data from the ship to be crunched, but the numbers look pretty promising.
Howard: That’s so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation… Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here.
Sheldon: Howard, Raj. Judas.
Leonard: You know what? You’re a crazy person.
Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.
Howard: Stop it.
Sheldon: Or a mutant army. It depends on how my Kickstarter goes.
Howard: I said, stop it. Now, listen to me. You two aren’t just friends. You’re best friends. And that’s a beautiful thing. I mean, Leonard, you know why he’s so mad at you? It’s ’cause he missed you. Yeah, and as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life. As I do. This man held my breast the other day and I love him for it.
Raj: A little loud, dude.
Howard: So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: I suppose so.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: Uh, it wasn’t anything weird. It was just to see how big they were.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard: I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.
Penny: I’m so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
Penny: Fifty cents off Vagisil.
Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj: Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: Me, too.
 
Leonard: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
 
Bernadette: Oh, that happened right after you left.
 
Leonard: And no one told me?
 
Howard (crying): Can’t believe we forgot to tell him.
 
Penny (handing Howard the Vagisil coupon): Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
 
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Raj: So, couldn’t help but notice none of you RSVP’d to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj: No, you weren’t because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon: I don’t think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing.
Amy: We’re sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, we’re not that sorry.
Raj: Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj: Because I’ve got something even better planned.
Leonard: Aw.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Come on.
Raj: Just hear me out. I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard: We did them at Princeton, too.
Howard: Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.
Sheldon: That’s amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge, trying to find someone to be on a team with me. I guess that story’s more sad than funny.
Penny: I love scavenger hunts. My friends and I had them all the time.
Leonard: Oh, these are a little different. There’s a tradition at elite universities…
Howard: And Princeton.
Leonard: A tradition of hunts full of puzzles that rely on logic and obscure knowledge, science.
Penny: Oh, in ours we would just run around town looking for a store that would sell us beer.
Raj: So, uh, who’s in?
Leonard: I think it sounds fun.
Amy: Yeah, me, too.
Various: I’m in, let’s do it.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What’s all this?
Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.
Leonard: You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley?
Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.
Raj: Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins.
Sheldon: He is a born showman.
Raj: Any questions?
Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?
Leonard: It’s not funny.
Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school.
Leonard: Ha-ha.
Sheldon: Oh, see? Now he gets it.
Raj: Okay, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette: Should we just do couples?
Leonard: Couples sounds great. Or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat. Whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me.
Leonard: I just said, couples sound great.
Penny: Mm-hmm, yeah, you don’t think I’m smart enough. You think I’m gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah.
Leonard: All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we’re gonna kick your ass!
Sheldon: Really? The only time I’m ever picked first for a team and I’m stuck with the liability?
Amy: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy: Maybe we pick names out of a hat.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. (Montage with scenes in the apartment and Leonard’s bedroom)
Penny: All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it.
Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.
Raj (over walkie-talkie): All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me.
Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.
Penny: Well, there’s no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time.
Howard: Wow, you’re really good at puzzles.
Amy: I did them all the time as a kid. As my mom used to say, when you’re doing a puzzle, it’s like having a thousand friends. She was full of fun lies like that.
Howard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom’s just full of pound cake.
Amy: I’m sorry you got stuck with me. I bet you wanted to be with Bernadette.
Howard: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette?
Amy: No.
Howard: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine?
Bernadette: Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast!
Leonard: Stop yelling at me.
Bernadette: Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you.
Penny: Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go.
Sheldon: But we haven’t finished the puzzle.
Penny: But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on.
Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?
Penny: Okay, it’s not gonna say that.
Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store.
Howard: It’s the comic book store. Let’s go.
Bernadette: Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.
Penny: It’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store.
Sheldon: It’s the comic book store.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Do you think Penny’s mad at me?
Bernadette: Because you’re in the right lane behind a bus and you won’t go around it? I’m sure she finds it charming.
Leonard: No, because I didn’t want her on my team.
Bernadette: I’m starting to think she dodged a bullet. The slowest bullet in the world.
Leonard: Geez, I never realized you were so competitive.
Bernadette: Yeah, I know. Its, it’s probably because I grew up with five brothers and sisters so I had to fight for every… Oh, my God, you did not just slow down for a bird, you know they fly, right?
Scene: Howard’s car.
Amy: I think this is the first time we’ve ever actually been alone together.
Howard: Huh, I guess you’re right. Wonder why that is?
Amy: Well, off the top of my head, I’d say we don’t have a lot in common except for the people we’re involved with. Plus, when we first met, Penny warned me never to get into a car alone with you.
Howard: Yeah. You know, I bet you and I have more in common than we think.
Amy: Such as?
Howard: I don’t know. Tell me some things you like.
Amy: Uh, let’s see. I like harps, Little House on the Prairie, medieval poetry, medieval literature…
Howard: Hey, how about some music?
Amy: Great. Sheldon never lets me listen to music in the car. He doesn’t want to be mistaken for a gang member.
Howard: Find something you like.
Amy: Beatles, boring. Eminem, scary. Weird Al? How old are you? Neil Diamond?
Howard: Yeah, I love Neil Diamond.
Amy: I love Neil Diamond.
Both: Sweet Caroline, bum-ba-da, good times never seemed so good, so good, so good, so good. I’ve been inclined…
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Oh, hey, thanks for letting me use the comic book store as part of the scavenger hunt.
Stuart: Oh, my pleasure. Always happy to help out with fun things that I wasn’t invited to be a part of.
Raj: Oh, congratulations. You’re the first team to arrive.
Amy: Yes, it’s not a ruse to make fun of me. It’s a real game and I’m winning it.
Raj: Your next puzzle is a riddle. And who better to give it to you than The Riddler?
Bernadette: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! How am I faster than you? I’m in heels and I stopped to take a phone call.
Leonard: I have asthma. Back off.
Howard: Riddle me this. Arrah, Arrah, and gather round, the work of this hero is legion-bound. He multiplies N by the number of He, and in this room the thing you’ll see.
Raj: Good riddle, huh?
Stuart: Yeah. So when you guys plan fun activities, does my name even come up, or…?
Raj: I invited you to my murder mystery party.
Stuart: No, you didn’t.
Raj: Oh.
Penny: Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up.
Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint.
Penny: People run in a marathon.
Sheldon: Not with a bowling ball on their back.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Bernadette: Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time.
Leonard: Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.
Penny: Riddle me this…
Sheldon: Got it.
Penny: Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead.
Sheldon: I thought we were the Lightning Sharks.
Howard: Hey, you know what this could mean (whispers).
Amy: Oh, oh, that’s good. Then this would be (whispers back)
Howard: That’s it.
Amy: To the Neil Mobile.
Bernadette: I knew it, we’re gonna lose.
Leonard: Wait, I got it. I got it/
Bernadette: Congratulations, you got it last.
Leonard: You’re really mean, you know that?
Stuart: So no one’s gonna buy anything.
Scene: The geology lab at the University.
Penny: Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh.
Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks.
Penny: Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab?
Sheldon: Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.
Penny: Wow. I can drink a beer underwater.
Sheldon: And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…
Penny: Shut up. I solved it.
Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.
Penny: Well, wait. Don’t you want to know how I figured it out?
Sheldon: No one likes a know-it-all, Penny.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Howard: On the boats and on the planes.
Amy: They’re coming to America.
Howard: Never looking back again.
Amy: They’re coming to America… ♪
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Um, I’m okay with you driving my car. I’m not okay with you flying my car.
Bernadette: Don’t sweat it, my dad’s a cop. He can fix things.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Like death?
Bernadette (out of the window): Your kid may be an honour student but you’re a moron.
Leonard: Penny’s not answering my texts.
Bernadette: Who cares? Focus on the game.
Leonard: This stupid game is why she’s mad in the first place. I’m telling her I’m quitting.
Bernadette: No. Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship.
Leonard: Why?
Bernadette: Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.
Leonard: What does she think I am?
Bernadette: How do I put this? She’s been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part. Or a cat. Or a willow.
Leonard: I can’t believe she would say that about me.
Bernadette: If you’re gonna cry about it there’s tissues in my purse. Unless you got some in yours. Big willow.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Howard: They’re coming to America, They’re coming to America.
Amy: Today!
Howard: Today!
Together: Today! Today!
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet.
Penny: Okay. Oh, it’s a bowling alley.
Sheldon: Yes. Yes. My brain is better than everybody’s.
Scene: The geology lab.
Howard: Love on the rocks.
Amy: Ain’t no big surprise.
Howard: Just pour me a drink.
Amy: And I’ll tell you some lies.
Scene: The apartment stairwell. Leonard is lowering himself down the lift shaft.
Leonard: Call me a lady part. We’ll see about that.
Bernadette: Can you reach the clue?
Leonard: Almost.
Bernadette: Hurry, Sheldon and Penny were right behind us in the bowling alley.
Leonard: Got it.
Bernadette: Great, climb back up. Come on.
Leonard: Yeah, Penny might be onto something.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: To the planetarium.
Penny: Let’s go.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: To the tar pits.
Bernadette: Let’s go.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Amy: There’s a Neil Diamond concert next month.
Howard: Let’s go.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Three bags, no one’s opened ’em. we’re the first ones here.
Sheldon: It’s dirty laundry. You’re up.
Penny: What? Why me?
Sheldon: Because you’ve been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.
Bernadette: They’re here first. This is because you made me slow down for that blind guy.
Penny: Okay, the clue must be in the bag.
Leonard: The clue must be in the bag.
Penny: It’s just a bunch of pants.
Leonard: It’s just a bunch of pants.
Penny: You know, I’m surprised you want to copy my answers since I’m not even smart enough to be on your team.
Leonard: Well, why would you want to be on someone’s team who you like to call a, I can’t even say it in front of Sheldon.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard: You know exactly what I’m talking about.
Bernadette: No, she doesn’t. I just made that up.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Bernadette: Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears.
Sheldon: I’m not a child. I know the word ninny.
Penny: Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna beat your ass.
Bernadette: Wish I had a man like her on my team.
Leonard: Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this.
Sheldon: Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: Hey, that’s my shirt.
Leonard: This one is, too.
Sheldon: No, no, that’s not mine. It has a big spot on it.
Penny: But wait. So does this one.
Bernadette: Maybe the spot’s the clue.
Penny: Sheldon’s spot. The coin is in your spot.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever.
Penny (off): Hurry.
Sheldon: Be there in a minute. I just have to pre-soak these.
Scene: The stairwell.
Bernadette: Stop her, Leonard, stop her.
Penny: Well, where the hell’s the coin?
Leonard: Wasn’t the answer Sheldon’s spot?
Raj: Oh, yes, Leonard. Yes, it was.
Bernadette: Then where’s the coin?
Raj: Yes, exactly. Where is the coin? Why don’t you look in your pockets? I slipped them in there earlier today.
Penny: I don’t get it.
Raj: Don’t you see? When we’re all having fun together, we’re already winners. Oh, look. See? Even I’m a winner.
Leonard: Are you kidding me?
Penny: That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Bernadette: You suck so hard.
Raj: Well, I thought… Come on, I didn’t want anyone to feel bad at the end of the game. And some of those puzzles were really hard and I didn’t know who was gonna get Penny.
Penny: Run.
Raj: Okay, okay, that-that came out wrong, but you have to admit, you all had a wonderful time.
Penny: Run to India.
Raj: I just wanted to do something beautiful.
Sheldon (entering): Hey, look. I won.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory, karaoke night.
Howard: Hey, she got the way to move me, Cherry,
Amy: She got the way to groove me.
Howard: Cherry, baby
Amy: She got the way to move me, honey.
Together: She got the way to groove me. She got the way to move me.
Howard: Cherry
Together: She got the way to groove me, yeah!
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So what’d you think?
Amy: It was good.
Sheldon: That’s it? Good”
Amy: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.
Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.
Amy: It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem.
Sheldon: Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.
Amy: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren’t in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I see your confusion. You don’t understand. Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
Amy: No, I do, and if he weren’t in the movie, the Nazis would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up and all died, just like they did. Let me close that for ya.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The foyer.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi. I thought you went to the comic book store on Wednesdays.
Leonard: Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy were having date night and they don’t need me there to make it awkward. They have each other for that. So, how was school?
Penny: Oh, good. Check it out, The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard: You bought my mom’s book?
Penny: Yeah. It’s on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard: Oh, come on. Not that book. It, it’s got, like, every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh, cool. Are there pictures?
Leonard: Seriously, please find another book.
Penny: Oh, come on. Why? How bad could it be?
Leonard: There, there’s chapters about potty training, and bed-wetting and masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know what? Do whatever you want, just don’t talk to me about it.
Penny: Not even the chapter on the breast-feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently, I favoured the left one, she got a little lopsided.
Penny: Oh, my God, you still go left.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Which celebrity would you say I look like the most?
Howard: Halle Berry. Why?
Raj: Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online, and it’s one of the questions. And thank you, I’d kill for that woman’s bone structure.
Leonard: Why are you reading Pride and Prejudice?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn’t enough?
Raj: Wait, how can, how can anyone ruin Raiders? It’s perfect.
Sheldon: Yeah, except for the fact that Indiana Jones is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him, the Nazis find the ark, open it and die.
All: Aw!
Howard: Hey, wait a minute. No, the Nazis were digging in the wrong place. The only reason they got the ark was because Indy found it first.
Leonard: Actually, they were only digging in the wrong place because Indy had the medallion. Without him, they would have had the medallion and dug in the right place.
All: Aw!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, I know you don’t want to talk about it, but can I just ask you one question about your mom’s book?
Leonard: No.
Penny: I just want to know why a five-year-old boy puts on his mom’s make-up and wears balloon boobies.
Leonard: They weren’t boobies, they were muscles. And the make-up was green. I was pretending to be The Hulk.
Penny: You were wearing her bra.
Leonard: That was to keep my muscles from sagging. Can we please stop talking about this?
Penny: Okay, okay. But you know, as a student of psychology who got a check-plus on her first homework assignment, I think, sometimes, it’s good to open up about these things.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Do you want to know why I dressed like The Hulk? Because I was always mad at my mom and I wanted to smash my way out of that house.
Penny: Well, why were you so angry?
Leonard: Gee, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I was always the subject of her little experiments. Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter egg hunt with no eggs to see how long I’d keep looking? The answer, by the way, June.
Penny: Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
Leonard: I do, too, but there’s not.
Penny: Really? Are you sure about that?
Leonard: Of course, who am I to argue with a check-plus student? Just warning you, I’m gonna go right. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Stuart: Is make-up really necessary?
Raj: Well, when someone looks at your dating profile, the first thing they see is your picture. I just want to make sure you look fun and full of life and not like a body they just pulled out of the river. All right, here we go, and smile. Okay, uh-uh, that one’s in the bank. How about this? Turn away, and then turn back into it. But when you do, imagine the camera is the girl you want to meet.
Stuart: You got it.
Raj: Okay, uh, let’s try it again. Uh, but this time, pretend the girl you want to meet doesn’t want to hurt you.
Stuart: I don’t think I can give you that.
Raj: Come on. One more time. Yeah, it’s, it’s a little blurry, but I think that works in your favour. Do you want a beer?
Stuart: Sure. Hey, have you finished writing your profile yet?
Raj: Almost. Oh, what did you put as the one-word description of yourself?
Stuart: I put unobjectionable. But now that I hear it out loud, it just seems like I’m being cocky. What did you put for your best feature?
Raj: My parents’ money. Uh, what did you put for your best feature?
Stuart: I put: not applicable.
Raj: Come on, dude, you’re being too hard on yourself. You’ve got a lot of good stuff going on.
Stuart: Really? Like what?
Raj: Well, okay, you’re a, you’re a talented artist, you own your own business.
Stuart: Neither of those things have ever helped me meet a woman.
Raj: Okay, well, can we imply that you’re well-endowed?
Stuart: I do have one oddly long testicle.
Raj: Okay, now you’re talking like a winner!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Whatcha doin’?
Sheldon: Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.
Leonard: So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages?
Sheldon: Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. And?
Sheldon: And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?
Leonard: Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be.
Sheldon: Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.
Leonard: Sorry, buddy.
Sheldon: Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.
Leonard: I’ll see you later. I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.
Sheldon: Wait, hang on. You’ve spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she’s fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn’t noticed?
Leonard: I gotta go.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: You ready to go?
Penny: Yep. Hey, and maybe this time you don’t try and talk sports with the guys.
Leonard: Some sports bar. It’s like they never even heard of Quidditch. Do we really have to go?
Penny: Oh, come on. Every time we’re about to hang out with my friends, you don’t want to. It’s like, It’s too loud, or the bathroom’s too dirty, or they put a chicken wing in my ear. I mean…
Leonard: Well, you’re, you’re right. Let’s just go.
Penny: Hey, what’s going on with you?
Leonard: Nothing, I’m fine.
Penny: All right, hang on. is this still about your mom’s book?
Leonard: No. Not everything is about my mom.
Penny: ‘Cause if you’re still upset about that, we don’t have to go.
Leonard: Except this is totally about my mom.
Penny: I’m so sorry. I never should have read that book. You know what? You want to just get dinner and watch the game here?
Leonard: That sounds nice. Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Or, you know, we could get take-out and watch the Blu-ray extended version of The Hobbit movie with commentary track. On account of how sad I am about my mom.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Howard: Leonard, you ready for lunch?
Leonard: One sec. Hey. Sorry.
Howard: Hi, Penny.
Penny: Hi. All right, sweetie. You hang in there today.
Leonard: I’ll try, but I might be sad again tonight.
Penny: Okay.
Howard: Wow. Sex at work?
Leonard: Leave it alone. That’s my girlfriend.
Howard: Sorry.
Leonard: Who just had sex with me at work.
Howard: Damn. How’d you swing that?
Leonard: Well, whenever I talk about how awful my mom was, Penny will do anything to make me feel better.
Howard: Seriously?
Leonard: Look, I mean, I’m not proud of it, but it does work. I got her to watch a six-part documentary on Monty Python. Even I was bored, I just wanted to see if she’d make it to the end.
Howard: You sound kind of proud of it.
Leonard: I am, I’m really proud.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: Yes. Why?
Amy: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.
Sheldon: April 13, a dark night, indeed.
Amy: So what can I do for you?
Sheldon: I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.
Amy: That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together?
Sheldon: Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?
Amy: Of course I’m in.
Sheldon: Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.
Amy: Good night, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Good night, indeed. What a rube. Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: You were really quiet during dinner. Is everything okay?
Howard: Yeah. I guess I was just thinking about my mom, and how sad my childhood was.
Bernadette: Yeah, I bet it sucked. I’m gonna take a bath, you do the dishes.
Howard: How about I take a bath with you and see what happens.
Bernadette: Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna take a bath, and you’re gonna do the dishes.
Howard: That’s it? No compassion?
Bernadette: Aw, poor Howie. We good? I’m gonna take a bath.
Howard: Bernie…
Bernadette: God, what is going on with you?
Howard: I’m sharing my pain.
Bernadette: And I’m not buying it. Try again.
Howard: I’m learning to be a man in a culture where it’s increasingly difficult to know how?
Bermadette: Strike two.
Howard: I’m copying Leonard. When he does this to Penny, they have sex and watch Monty Python.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: I know. It was dumb, I shouldn’t have done it. And it’s making me feel sad. So sad. You know, why don’t you take a bath? I’ll do the dishes.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Three, two, one.
Stuart: That’s it. Our dating profiles are live on the Internet.
Raj: Attention all shoppers, my business is open for business!
Stuart: That’s right, ladies. For all you know, I’m confident and fun to be around.
Raj: Oh, cool, it tells you when someone’s reading your profile. Jenny309. I hope that’s not her weight.
Stuart: If it is, I’ll take her. Ooh, I got one, too. The ladies are coming to us. Oh, man, if I’d started this years ago, I’d be divorced two or three times by now.
Raj: What? Another one. You know, it, it’s weird. When they’re reading your profile, does it, does it make you feel exposed? Like they see you naked?
Stuart: Well, they’re not running away screaming, so, no.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.
Sheldon: Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy: You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Sheldon: That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy: Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.
Sheldon: Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
Amy: I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Do you feel better?
Sheldon: Yes. But not as good as I’m going to when I tell you that your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn’t have a job.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, I was just… what is happening?
Penny: Oh, just a little treat. I know you’ve been feeling really bad about your mom lately.
Leonard: Oh, oh, I have. So bad.
Penny: And I wanted to make you feel better, so I planned something very special for you.
Leonard: Uh-huh, I can already feel it working.
Mrs Hofstadter (on webcam): Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Mom?
Mrs Hofstadter: I understand you have been whining about my parenting in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
Leonard: I… uh…
Penny: Bernadette told me everything. Now you don’t get the left or the right.
Mrs Hofstadter: Let’s discuss why you continue to involve me in your sex life.
Leonard: Oh, please, Mommy. No, Mommy.
Mrs Hofstadter: When you were six years old, you walked in on me and your father naked. I was swatting his bottom with your brand new Ping Pong paddle.
Leonard: I didn’t dream that?
Mrs Hofstadter: How did that make you feel?
Leonard: Penny, come back. I’m sad for real now.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: In the last two hours, 162 women have read our profiles. How many of them have sent us messages?
Stuart: Combined?
Raj: Yes.
Stuart: Zero.
Raj: Dude, this is, this is brutal.
Stuart: I don’t think I’ve ever felt so rejected. And I had a rescue dog who ran back to the pound.
Raj: This is the worst. If we’re gonna get shot down, we might as well just go to a bar and do it old school.
Stuart: And make them look us in the eye.
Raj: Yeah, anything is better than this.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: Hello.
Girl: Not interested.
Raj: I was wrong. This is worse.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Wait, wait, if it wasn’t for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.
Sheldon: That’s true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.
Raj: Like a hero.
All: Yeah!
Leonard: Although, technically, Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied. He couldn’t even get that done.
All: Aw!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching. Somebody’s having date night.
Amy: It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.
Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?
Sheldon: If you do that, I’ll scream.
Amy: Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you.
Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.
Amy: I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool.
Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.
Amy: So, you’re okay with this?
Sheldon: Well, why wouldn’t I be?
Amy: Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.
Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?
Amy: Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.
Amy: I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together.
Sheldon: Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Are you crazy? You don’t want your girlfriend at work with you. Hell Clam.
Sheldon: Why not? Hairy Fairy.
Raj: I think it could be romantic. You know, my parents met at his place of work.
Leonard: Your father’s a gynaecologist.
Raj: I know. What started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred, which continues to this day. Two-Eyed Cyclops.
Howard: Would you please tell him this isn’t a good idea?
Leonard: No, no, I think it’ll be great. Maybe next time he gets conjunctivitis at work, she can hold his head and try to put the drops in his eyes. Giant baby.
Sheldon: That’s a Raging Ogre.
Leonard: Yeah, I know.
Howard: I’m just saying, I’d never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you’re supposed to hang out with them after work, too?
Raj: Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.
Howard: Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear.
Sheldon: Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.
Leonard: Please let me be there when you tell her that.
Sheldon: Why? So you can see the look on Amy’s face when she hears my top-notch idea?
Leonard: Please, oh, please, just let me be there.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, Amy, what are you gonna be working on at Caltech?
Amy: I’m leading a study to see if deficiency of the monoamine oxidase enzyme leads to paralyzing fear in monkeys.
Bernadette: If they’re anything like humans, the answer’s yes.
Amy: Wait, you’ve, you’ve done this experiment on humans?
Bernadette: You mean like death row inmates with nothing to lose? No, that would be unethical.
Penny: You know, not a lot of people know this, but the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim. That’s right, my phone is just as smart as you guys.
Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
Bernadette: He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he?
Amy: I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday.
Sheldon: Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Amy: Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque.
Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.
Penny: Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it.
Sheldon: Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.
Bernadette: He said what?
Sheldon: Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.
Bernadette: Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here?
Amy: No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.
Penny: Yeah, and you can’t tell her what she can and cannot do.
Sheldon: Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public.
Penny: That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.
Amy: Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys.
Sheldon: Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?
Amy: More and more sure.
Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission.
Amy: I didn’t ask for your permission.
Sheldon: Too late. No backsies.
Howard: No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around.
Sheldon: Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway.
Bernadette: Well?
Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it’s true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we’d get sick of each other.
Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.
Howard: For the love of God, why?
Bernadette: What exactly do you think you’d get sick of?
Raj: His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.
Howard: It’s nothing in particular. I…
Bernadette: Is it my voice? Am I too bossy? What?
Howard: My arm is feeling numb.
Leonard: Nailed it.
Bernadette: That’s the wrong arm for a heart attack, doofus.
Howard: My point is, I’m sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long.
Bernadette: Like looking me in the eye and lying to me?
Howard: Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you?
Bernadette: Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.
Howard: Bernie…
Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine. I mean, really good.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: So, boys, how was the pyjama party? You guys jump on the bed and sing into hair brushes?
Raj: It wasn’t a pyjama party. It was just a couple of bros hanging out, giggling, eating cookie dough and watching Princess Bride.
Howard: Please, stop talking.
Raj: As you wish.
Howard: I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t tried to help you.
Sheldon: Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn.
Amy: Gentlemen.
Raj: Amy.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: That was kind of icy. You two okay?
Sheldon: Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.
Leonard: Smart. Take relationship advice from a man who spent last night braiding Raj’s hair.
Sheldon: Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don’t worry, little moth. The flame will come to you.
Raj: Oh, uh, on the off chance that Bernadette doesn’t call back and apologize, how do you feel about Mexican food for dinner tonight?
Howard: I don’t know. Sounds kind of heavy.
Raj: That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips.
Amy: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?
Amy: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Amy: Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we’re talking.
Sheldon: Dr. Fowler?
Amy: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!
Amy: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better?
Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?
Amy: Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli.
Sheldon: So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.
Amy: I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor.
Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.
Amy: You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup.
Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you?
Amy: You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home.
Sheldon: I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.
Amy: Really? What tipped you off?
Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…
Amy: Get out.
Sheldon: Well, now, that.
Amy: Image number six, woman giving birth.
Sheldon: Bleugh!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: It’s nine o’clock, where you been?
Sheldon: Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.
Penny: Oh, no.
Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?
Leonard: I did not.
Sheldon: Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.
Penny: Why’d you get that? You hate lamb.
Sheldon: I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.
Leonard: I thought Amy was gonna drive you home.
Sheldon: Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?
Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: But you didn’t even hear the details.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong.
Sheldon: But you don’t even know…
Leonard: Doesn’t matter.
Sheldon: But, now, but in my defence…
Leonard: Doesn’t matter.
Sheldon: You’re not listening to my side of it.
Penny: Okay, fine, Sheldon. What is your side?
Sheldon: Well…
Penny: Nope, got to go with Amy on this one.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Ooh, shrimp was spicy.
Raj: You want a TUMS?
Howard: You got the tropical fruit kind?
Raj: No, if I buy those, I just go through them like candy.
Howard: Tell me about it. One time, I swear I pooped out a stick of chalk. (Knock on door) I’ll get it.
Raj: Thanks.
Bernadette: Hi.
Howard: Oh, hi.
Bernadette: I may have overreacted.
Howard: Yeah, well, I didn’t handle it so great, either.
Bernadette: It’s just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
Howard: That’s not true.
Bernadette: It’s not? You spend all day together at work, and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week, you two got a couples massage. So, when you said you wouldn’t want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
Howard: Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I get that. I’m so sorry. Starting tomorrow, I am turning over a new leaf. Time with you is my number one priority.
Bernadette: Why tomorrow?
Howard: Well, we’re real close to finishing off the new Batman game.
Raj: It is awesome. Uh, you should probably go after her.
Howard: Should I go after you?
Bernadette (off): No!
Howard: Thanks for getting me in trouble.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Well, I cannot give this stuff away.
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy: Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.
Sheldon: I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.
Amy: What’s your point?
Sheldon: My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.
Amy: I like you, too.
Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. Not even a good-bye? You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid. She just doesn’t see it.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar.
Bernadette: I’m not apologizing to Howard. He can come beg me on his knees.
Amy: Sheldon, too. If I see him at work, I’m just going to ignore him.
Penny: All right, don’t worry. I talked to Leonard. He is gonna sit the guys down and set them straight.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Laser’s warmed up.
Howard: Pull.
All: Yeah!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: What are you working on?
Sheldon: Can’t talk. In the zone.
Penny: Do you know what he’s doing?
Amy: Could be anything. Last time he was like this, he figured out electron transport in graphene. The time before that, he was making a list of who’s allowed in his tree fort if fe ever gets one. Still can’t believe I didn’t make the cut.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, you want to take a break? Your food’s ready.
Leonard: No, no, what are you doing? He’s both happy and quiet. It’s like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.
Howard: Sorry we’re so late. Bernadette got stuck at work.
Bernadette: Great news. A raccoon virus just crossed the species barrier and now can infect humans.
Raj: Why is that great news?
Bernadette: In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying, mo’ infections, mo’ money.
Howard: Wait, Maybe you want to wash your little raccoon hands first.
Bernadette: Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already.
Howard: Guys, listen up.
Sheldon: Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.
Howard: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really don’t care.
Howard: I want to do something special, and I was hoping you guys could be a part of it.
Penny: Aw, what horrible thing are you trying to make up for?
Howard: Just putting something in the bank for what horrible thing I do next.
Penny: Ah.
Howard: Look, she’s gonna be back any second, so here’s the deal. I’m writing a song, and I was hoping we could all play it for her together.
Leonard: Aw.
Amy: Oh, I love that.
Raj: That is so beautiful.
Howard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: When did we get to the Cheesecake Factory?
Credits sequence
Scene: The stairwell
Leonard: It’s really sweet what Howard wants to do for Bernadette.
Penny: Yeah. Hey, how come you’ve never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?
Leonard: Well, for starters, you’ve broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?
Sheldon: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward. And back to the zone.
Leonard: And besides, I do romantic things for you all the time. Can you even name one romantic thing you’ve done for me?
Penny: I can name tons.
Leonard: Sex doesn’t count.
Penny: Oh. I know, what about that bed-and-breakfast?
Leonard: Well, I took you there. All you did was…
Penny: I know what I did. I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair. You know, I can be romantic if I want to.
Leonard: It’s fine. And also not true.
Penny: Okay, just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off.
Leonard: That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?
Penny: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Zone.
Leonard: He’ll figure it out when he falls off the roof.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, I know you’re in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something.
Sheldon: Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.
Leonard: Nope, it was better before.
Sheldon: Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.
Leonard: Holy crap, Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new stable super-heavy element?
Sheldon: Did I? Well, that can’t be right. No one’s ever done that before. Except me, because I just did it. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain…
Leonard: Yeah, definitely better before.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So I’m almost done writing the song for Bernadette. Are you cool playing the cello?
Leonard: If by cool you mean willing to, yes. If by cool you mean cool, clearly you’ve never seen me play the cello.
Howard: Great. Will you play the ukulele?
Raj: Of course. I’d be happy to shred it on my ax.
Howard: Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.
Raj: Fine. I will melt her heart. And her face.
Sheldon: Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks.
Howard: Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon.
Raj: Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired.
Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.
Leonard: Sheldon, that’s incredible.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.
Howard: So, what happens next?
Sheldon: Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.
Leonard: Good to know.
Sheldon: Now give me that cookie, I discovered an element.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Thank you so much for coming.
Raj: You called the right person. I believe I have the perfect romantic evening for you to give Leonard.
Penny: Okay, good, ’cause I’ve been really struggling with this.
Raj: As I’m sure you’re aware, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his…
Penny: Pants, but Leonard says sex doesn’t count.
Raj: Oh. You poor thing. You have one arrow in your quiver, and you just can’t use it. Fortunately, another pathway to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Penny: I don’t know if I want to cook for him. He’s kind of a picky eater. I mean, it’s too salty, it’s too dry, it’s too burnt and frozen at the same time. Okay, come on, what else would sweep you off your feet?
Raj: Well, I’ve always had this fantasy that involves dancing. The sexual chemistry between my partner and me is electric. But boy, oh, boy, does my father not approve until he sees us in the big dance competition.
Penny: Okay, that’s just the plot for Dirty Dancing. What else would you love? Other than being lifted over Patrick Swayze’s head.
Raj: Oh, oh, uh, you could, uh, stand outside his window with a boom box in the air.
Penny: That’s from Say Anything.
Raj: Look, I’m a lonely guy, I watch a lot of movies. Look, Penny, if you truly want to be romantic, it needs to come from you.
Penny: I get that, but why is this so hard?
Raj: Well, you’ve probably never had to do this stuff ’cause you’re young and beautiful and men have always thrown themselves at you.
Penny: Yeah, I’m trying to be sad about that. I can’t.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Let’s see, what’s next? Okay, here. This is the Magic Marker I was using when I made the discovery.
Amy: I don’t think the Smithsonian’s gonna want your marker.
Sheldon: And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m so proud of you.
Sheldon: Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.
Amy: What’s next?
Sheldon: This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…
Amy: And what?
Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.
Amy: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?
Amy: That Americans can’t handle the metric system?
Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.
Amy: But the Chinese team found the element.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.
Amy: So you just got lucky?
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.
Amy: You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking.
Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard:: You got to stop beating yourself up over this. I mean, you made a mistake, but it was a happy mistake.
Sheldon: There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve.
Leonard: Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.
Leonard: Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.
Sheldon: You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.
Leonard: You don’t know what a sex tape is, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Make sure you guys get to the restaurant by eight. Bernadette’s meeting me there at eight thirty and I don’t want to blow the surprise.
Leonard: We’ll be there.
Raj: Got it. Now, uh, I have a question about the song. I was thinking at some point I could bust out a little rap.
Howard: E-Ni-Ni-Ni-Ni-No.
Raj: Come on, come on, you haven’t even heard it yet. Leonard, give me a beat.
Leonard: I will not.
Raj: Oh, please?
Howard: No, I want this to be romantic.
Raj: It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.
Voice: There he is. (General applause)
Sheldon: Stop it. Stop celebrating me.
Voice: Woo!
Sheldon: And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.
Raj: Wait, I don’t understand. They didn’t find the element?
Sheldon: Oh, no, they found the element. (More applause) No, no, stop it. I don’t need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?
Leonard: Invite them to live with us.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: Boy, Bernadette is gonna love this.
Leonard: Yeah. It must be nice to have someone do something so romantic.
Penny: Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face.
Leonard: Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.
Howard: I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her.
Sheldon: The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.
Raj: Oh, that’s a big deal.
Sheldon: I know. When will this nightmare end?
Leonard: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.
Amy: I’m not.
Sheldon: You’re not?
Amy: Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you.
Sheldon: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.
Penny: Damn it, everyone’s better at this than me.
Sheldon: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler. You just made the fort.
Howard: Guys, there was an accident at Bernie’s lab.
Leonard: Oh, my God, is she okay?
Howard: Yeah, but she’s at the hospital in quarantine.
Penny: What?
Amy: Poor Bernadette.
Leonard: Oh, no.
Sheldon: I hate to pile on the bad news, but I just got a raise.
Scene: The hospital.
Howard: Oh, my God, Bernie, what happened?
Bernadette: Well, let’s just say the next time you move a dozen vials of raccoon virus to the fridge, make two trips.
Howard: You’re sure you’re okay?
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s just a precaution. If there was a problem, I’d be throwing up out of my eyeballs by now. Sorry I messed up our date.
Howard: Oh, don’t worry about it. I brought the date here. Guys, come on in.
Bernadette: What’s all this?
Howard: Well, tonight is the anniversary of our first date, and I wanted to celebrate it by writing a song for you.
Bernadette: Howie.
Amy: Sheldon, get over here.
Sheldon: She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day?
Amy: Sheldon.
Howard (singing): If I didn’t have you, life would be blue, I’d be Dr. Who without the TARDIS.
Sheldon: Is it me, or does she not look so good?
Amy: Shh.
Howard: A candle without a wick, a Watson without a Crick, I’d be one of my outfits without a dick-ie. I’d be cheese without the mac, Jobs without the Wozniak, I’d be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making it much harder to crack. I’d be an atom without a bomb, a dot without the com, and I’d probably still live with my mom.
All: And he’d probably still live with his mom.
Howard: Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You supported all my dreams and all my hopes. You’re like uranium-235 and I’m uranium-238, almost inseparable isotopes. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you Bernadette.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: If I didn’t have you life would be dreary, I’d be string theory without any string. I’d be binary code without a one, a cathode ray tube without an electron gun. I’d be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon. I’d speak a lot more Klingon, Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam.
All: And he’d definitely still live with his mom.
Howard: Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You’re my best friend and my lover. We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields. You can’t have one without the other. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
All: Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Howie, that was amazing. Look, I’m shaking.
Sheldon: She’s sick, I knew it. Bye.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I have to say, this is the best Top Ramen you’ve ever made.
Penny: I discovered a secret ingredient. The flavour packet. That sucker is well named. All right, lover boy, get ready, ’cause there is a crap storm of romance coming your way.
Leonard: Stop it, you’re gonna make me cry. All right. You seem pretty confident.
Penny: Oh, I am. Maybe if you follow this trail, you’ll see why.
Leonard: Oh, rose petals.
Penny: Yes. The most beautiful and shockingly expensive of all the flowers.
Leonard: You made the bed? You really are pulling out all the stops.
Penny: Okay, I gave this a lot of thought, and I finally found something to show you how much I love you.
Leonard: Oh, wow.
Penny: It’s a first edition of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I remember it was your favourite book growing up.
Leonard: This is great. It, thank you, it’s, so much.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Nothing. I love it.
Penny: No. Something’s going on. What’s wrong with it? I remember you saying how great it would be to have a first edition.
Leonard: It’s true, I did. I did say that. When we were at the used bookstore together and I saw the first edition and I bought it.
Penny: Oh, my God, I am the worst.
Leonard: No, no, it’s okay. It’s really thoughtful.
Penny: No, it’s not. I mean, what’s thoughtful is everything you do. Here, you know what? Look at this. Look, here’s the, the plane ticket you bought me when I was too poor to go home for the holidays. And the rose you left on my windshield just because. Here’s the, the thank-you letter you wrote me after the first time I slept with you. All 11 pages of it.
Leonard: I can’t believe you saved all this stuff.
Penny: Of course I did. It’s you.
Leonard: Come here.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Is that a pregnancy test?
Penny: Oh, yeah, just the first one. I didn’t save them all.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I can’t believe I read this table wrong. I blame you.
Amy: Me? What did I do?
Sheldon: You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you.
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: Well, you should be. Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. And not just on the cheek, but on the mouth. Like mommies and daddies do.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon (not in Amy’s daydream, now in the Cheesecake Factory): Amy? Amy? Did you hear what I said?
Amy: Can’t talk, in the zone.
Scene: A supermarket
Amy: I’ve never seen him this happy before.
Leonard: That’s because you’ve never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day.
Sheldon: Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash.
Leonard: Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail.
Sheldon: Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.
Leonard: Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him.
Sheldon: I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.
Leonard: He thinks there’s a difference.
Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.
Arthur: Trust me, I, I remember.
Sheldon: This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.
Arthur: Hold, hold, hold on. You, you have a girlfriend?
Amy: Yes, and I’ve heard so much about you. Hey look, we’re wearing the same orthopaedic shoes. I can’t believe I dress like a celebrity.
Arthur: Oh, okay, I get it now.
Leonard: Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter.
Arthur: Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?
Leonard: No, she’s not.
Sheldon: So, what prescription are you getting filled?
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: No. Wait, I want to guess. Don’t tell me.
Arthur: I wasn’t going to tell you.
Amy: Sheldon, come on.
Sheldon: No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?
Arthur: Well, given my age, that’s more than just a lucky guess.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, let’s go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that.
Sheldon: But I’m hanging out with my friend, and we’re having fun. Look how happy he is.
Credits sequence.
The cafeteria.
Howard: Bernie’s having a girls’ night on Friday at our place. You want to do something?
Raj: Actually, I’m busy.
Howard: Doing what?
Raj: There’s a new sports bar over on Colorado Ave…
Howard: You’re going to girls’ night.
Raj: Yeah.
Howard: You know they’re making jewellery right?
Raj: You think they came up with that? They were going to drink beer and play darts.
Leonard: What’s up?
Howard: Not his testosterone levels.
Raj: Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity.
Howard: How is that possible?
Leonard: Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton.
Sheldon: Goody. What’s it say?
Leonard: He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it.
Sheldon: That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me.
Howard: You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.
Raj: Yeah, it’s nothing to cry about.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
Howard: It’s true, you’d rust.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he’s just another Hollywood phony.
Amy: Is it really worth getting upset about?
Sheldon: Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.
Amy: Come on, he’s a retired kids show host.
Sheldon: That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.
Amy: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper?
Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
Amy: Maybe he found you, um, a bit much.
Sheldon: That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.
Amy: From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you…
Sheldon: What?
Amy: Doesn’t matter.
Sheldon: No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, it won’t hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you want to say it, say it. Say I’m annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can’t stand it when I’m right.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Amy: This is fun. I’m going to feel like such a vixen wearing jewellery that doesn’t have a list of medications I’m allergic to.
Raj: Penny, how’s it going over there?
Penny: Good, I’m just having little trouble with the glue.
Amy: How do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch pre-school?
Penny: Yeah, but only because I was dating a second grader.
Howard: Hello, everyone.
Raj: Okay, let me have it. Let’s hear all the Raj is a girl jokes.
Howard: Nope. Bernadette told me it isn’t nice and I’m not allowed.
Raj: Thank you.
Howard: So I won’t be making fun of you, or the things you like, or the fact that you just want to have fu-un.
Bernadette: Howie, stop. Come on, look at what I’m making.
Howard: Oh, that’s actually pretty nice.
Amy: I’m making a bracelet.
Penny: Yeah, I’m just making a mess.
Howard: You know, instead of beads and glue, you guys can use my soldering iron. You’d be able to make much cooler stuff.
Raj: Oh, I think we’re doing just fine, thank you.
Amy: Actually, I’d kind of like to try that.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Howard: Be right back.
Penny: When did I have pistachios?
Scene: Professor Proton’s house.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That’s TV money.
Arthur: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, did I wake you?
Arthur: Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty.
Sheldon: Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.
Arthur: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.
Arthur: She sounds like a keeper.
Sheldon: Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.
Arthur: All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night.
Sheldon: No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.
Arthur: Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house.
Sheldon: Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.
Arthur: I should be so lucky.
Sheldon: So, uh, what do you say?
Arthur: You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard.
Sheldon: It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.
Arthur: Good night.
Sheldon: Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it.
Arthur: You’re annoying.
Sheldon: Well, that really hurt.
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Leonard: If you would have told me when I was a kid that someday I would be doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you.
Arthur: If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting.
Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.
Leonard: Why is it odd?
Sheldon: Because as it just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children’s television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model.
Bill Nye: Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honour to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.
Arthur: That’s what I told my lawyers.
Leonard: Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.
Bill: He said I’d be speaking to a class.
Sheldon: No, I said you were teaching someone a lesson. Now let’s go.
Bill: What are you guys working on?
Leonard: Oh, uh, we’re making nano vacuum tubes.
Bill: Oh, that’s interesting.
Arthur: Haven’t you stolen enough from me? Back off, bow tie.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hey, guys, what do you think?
Amy: Wow, Penny, good job.
Penny: Thanks. Target, four ninety-nine. I’m getting a drink.
Amy: What are you working on?
Raj: Ah, I’m making a necklace for my mom.
Amy: That’s sweet.
Raj: Yeah, she and my dad are going through a bit of a rough patch, so I wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her.
Penny: What’s going on with them?
Raj: They’re just having a little trouble communicating. My dad says it’s because the sound of my mom’s voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again.
Bernadette: Hi.
Penny: Hey, guys.
Amy: Hello.
Howard: Look who’s here to put the Jew in jewellery night.
Bernadette: Oh, sure, so it’s fine when you say it.
Howard: Sorry we’re late. I wanted to swing by the lab and pick up some even cooler tools for us to use.
Raj: I didn’t know you were coming again.
Howard: Well, last week was a blast. Plus, I thought you might like having a guy here.
Penny (laughing): It was not funny.
Amy: So, what tools did you bring?
Howard: Everything we need to make jewellery moulds. Here’s some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
Penny: Ooh, that looks like fun.
Bernadette: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.
Howard: Okay, who’s up first?
Amy: Rajesh, do you want to make a bracelet for your mom to go with the necklace?
Raj: No, thanks.
Howard: I was gonna make a necklace for my mom, but unfortunately she doesn’t have a neck. She’s just chins and fat and feet.
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Leonard: Okay, we’re almost ready to go. Once we bond the wires, we can test the tubes.
Arthur: This is so exciting, I, I feel like I’m 75 again.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Arthur: What, what is it?
Leonard: Sheldon just sent me a picture of him and Bill Nye getting smoothies.
Arthur: Can, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Arthur: Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, uh, you know, because we’re friends.
Arthur: Why?
Leonard: Wow, you ask really hard questions.
Arthur: Yeah.
Leonard: Look, I know he can be aggravating, but what you have to remember is that he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how he is. But he’s also loyal and trustworthy and we have fun together.
Arthur: You, you know you’re describing a dog.
Leonard: He did bite me once. But in his defence, I came up behind him while he was eating, so…
Arthur: Yeah, they, they hate that.
Leonard: You know what, Sheldon is the smartest person I have ever met. And he’s a little broken and he needs me. I guess I need him, too.
Arthur: Why, why is that?
Leonard: Boy, you will not let this go, will you? Oh, jeez.
Arthur: Another photo from Sheldon?
Leonard: No, I have to go pick him up. Bill Nye ditched him at the smoothie place.
Arthur: He probably stole his wallet, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Howard: You know, if you guys are interested, there’s a technique where I can take a lock of your hair, refine it into carbon dust and use the hydraulic press at work to turn it into a tiny little diamond with your DNA in it.
Penny: Oh, that’s amazing,
Howard: Yeah. See Bernie’s engagement ring? That came right off my mom’s back.
Bernadette: He’s kidding. If that were true, it’d be so much bigger.
Raj: My name is Howard. I can make your hair into diamonds. My mom is morbidly obese. Everybody love me.
Howard: Whoa, where is that coming from?
Raj: I’ll tell you where it’s coming from. All you do is make fun of me for coming to girls’ night and now you’re here ruining it for everyone.
Penny: Raj, cool it, he’s gonna make us hair diamonds.
Howard: How am I ruining anything? I’m just trying to help you make better jewellery.
Raj: But this isn’t about the jewellery. This is about me having a place where I can open up about my feelings.
Howard: Since when can’t you open up with me?
Raj: There are just some things that I feel more comfortable sharing with the girls, because they won’t make fun of me or and call me names, or ask me if my Koothrapanties are in a bunch.
Howard: Buddy, I was just joking around.
Raj: Yeah, well, sometimes your jokes hurt.
Howard: You’re right. I didn’t realize I was making you feel that way. It was very brave of you to tell me.
Raj: Thank you. It wasn’t easy.
Amy: They’re gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do, I know it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Arthur?
Arthur: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I’m surprised to see you here.
Arthur: Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light.
Sheldon: I’ll get Leonard.
Arthur: No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you.
Sheldon: If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.
Arthur: No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper.
Sheldon: Thank you. It would be an honour.
Arthur: Oh. Uh, great.
Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.
Arthur: And, what did you think?
Sheldon: Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing.
Arthur: Mmm. Thank you.
Sheldon: Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired.
Arthur: Oh, well, that, that means a lot to me.
Sheldon: Can I invite you in for tea?
Arthur: Uh, no, no. I, I really, I have, I have to run.
Penny: Hey, Arthur. How are you?
Arthur: Well, I guess one cup wouldn’t hurt.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Oh, hey, buddy, what’s up?
Raj: Well, I was feeling bad about how I acted the other night so I made you a little something.
Howard: You didn’t have to do that.
Raj: Well, it was fun. I used some of the jewellery techniques you taught us. It’s a lightsabre belt buckle.
Howard: Wow, this is so cool. Thanks.
Raj: Oh gets better.
Howard: Wow.
Raj: And that’s not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Yeah, and my eighth favourite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember?
Leonard: He can’t help it. He can’t. He really can’t.
Sheldon: Oh, wait here. I’ll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can shoot it at Bill Nye’s house. As long as I’m not within 500 feet of it.
Arthur: So, you, uh, you have, you have any, single grandmothers?
Penny: Sorry, they’re both married.
Arthur: Good.
Penny: Mmm.
Arthur: Hap, hap, happily?
Scene: The apartment
Penny: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: You’ve had this dart board since I’ve known you, but I’ve never seen you play.
Leonard: Oh, uh, we played, once. I broke a window.
Penny: What window?
Leonard: That one over there.
Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?
Leonard: Skee-Ball tickets?
Sheldon: Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.
Leonard: Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.
Penny: Ooh, what are you gonna get?
Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.
Leonard: Yup, oh, here you go.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles.
Leonard: Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college.
Penny: Aw, did she hate you?
Leonard: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.
Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?
Leonard: Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there.
Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.
Leonard: No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets.
Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.
Leonard: Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out.
Sheldon: Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider.
Penny: No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?
Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: I mean it, I’m going to.
Sheldon: I believe you.
Leonard: And you’re going to stay calm?
Sheldon: I said I would.
Leonard: How about that? Sheldon’s being reasonable.
Penny: Yeah, it’s freaking me out. I’m gonna go.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.
Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.
Leonard: When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?
Sheldon: You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.
Leonard: Well, I don’t know how to do that.
Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.
Leonard: That’s stupid. Why?
Sheldon: You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.
Leonard: I’m telling you, try the hanger.
Sheldon: Put it on. Let’s share the experience.
Leonard: You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.
Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: How those nipples feeling, chief?
Scene: The cheesecake factory bar.
Bernadette: Penny, can we please get our drinks?
Penny: Yeah, hang on, just give me sec.
Amy: At work today, I did an in vivo stereotaxic surgery.
Bernadette: Cool. At my lab, I performed ten laser capture micro-dissections.
Penny: I scraped gum off the bottom of that table. Only ’cause my manager saw me put it there.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. That’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.
Bernadette: That’s Lucy?
Penny: I don’t know why but I always pictured her as Indian.
Bernadette: I think that reason’s called racism.
Penny: I’m gonna go talk to her.
Bernadette: Why? What are you gonna say?
Penny: I’m not gonna say anything. I just want to check her out. Because she hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s racist now?
Bernadette: You because you just called him your Indian friend.
Penny: Yeah, well, you’re short.
Amy: We’re never getting our drinks.
Bernadette: No, but we knew that.
Penny: Hey, can I start you off with something to drink?
Lucy: Oh, water would be great.
Penny: Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Raj Koothrappali’s. Actually Amy recognized you.
Lucy: Wow. How’s he doing?
Penny: Oh, you know, he’s good.
Lucy: Great.
Penny: Yeah, this is none of my business. But why did you break up with him in an e-mail?
Lucy: Oh, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Penny: Yeah, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? ‘Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.
Lucy: Any chance I can get a different waitress?
Penny: I’m sorry, this is rude of me. I will go get that water. See, see, see, see. Just now you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you could do that with me, but not Raj?
Lucy: I don’t know your e-mail.
Penny: You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here, perfectly happy and he’s at home, a blubbering mess.
Lucy: Oh, I thought you said he was okay.
Penny: Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me still standing here. You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person. Now, you want to hear the specials?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So, you can never take it off?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Not even to sleep?
Leonard: No.
Howard: So, you’re just an idiot?
Leonard: It’s called proving a point.
Howard: Is the point that you’re an idiot?
Sheldon: Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can’t walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.
Raj: So, how are you gonna return the DVD if the store went out of business?
Leonard: Monday morning I’ll go downtown, look up the owner’s information and send him the DVD. Pay the late fee, and prove to Sheldon that you can have a problem and solve it without acting like a complete lunatic. Ah!
Howard: And the man impersonating a bear would like everyone to know that only you can prevent forest fires.
Raj: I don’t get it.
Howard: You didn’t have Smokey the Bear in India?
Raj: No. Oh, is he anything like, uh, Mun-Mun the Mongoose? He taught us not to play with cobras.
Howard: You had to be taught not to play with cobras?
Raj: You had to be taught not to burn down the forest?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hey, if you guys were hungry, why didn’t you order something at the restaurant?
Bernadette: We did, you never brought it.
Penny: Oh, that’s right. Nachos and a turkey club.
Amy: Not even close.
Penny: Well, I was too busy standing up for my friend to worry about your, I want to say salmon.
Amy: You want to say sorry.
Bernadette: So, how are you gonna tell Raj abut what you did?
Penny: What do you mean how? What’s the big deal?
Amy: You told Lucy he was a pathetic mess.
Bernadette: Then you made her cry and leave.
Penny: Okay, you guys are overreacting. Raj is gonna appreciate how I had his back.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: What is wrong with you, Penny? You ruined any chance I had of getting back with Lucy. Now she knows I’m a desperate mess instead of just being pretty sure. (Phone text sound) It’s Lucy. She wants to meet for coffee. I love you, Penny.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Hey, what’re you working on?
Sheldon: I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.
Howard: That’s a pretty cool idea.
Sheldon: Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.
Howard: Sure.
Sheldon: This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I’d just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn’t use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me.
Howard: You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.
Leonard: Or it’s resolved.
Sheldon: Hey, that next of kin thing sounds pretty good.
Howard: I believe this is yours.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Can I ask you guys a question? So, I’m seeing Lucy tomorrow night, and I’ve never hung out with someone who broke up with me. How do you do it?
Howard: You can’t let her know you’re hurting. You know, the key is confidence.
Raj: Why is the key always confidence? How come it’s never love handles and flop sweat?
Bernadette: If this girl hurt you so much, are you sure you want to see her again?
Howard: Well, if I may, he has so little self-respect and is so desperate for the smallest crumb of affection, she could literally sleep with his own father in his own bed and post the video to YouTube, and he’d still buy her flowers and ask her to be his bride.
Raj: He’s right. But in my defence, if we could survive that, we could survive anything.
Bernadette: Well, if you’re sure you want to do this, it’s only coffee, just relax and see what happens.
Raj: Well, can I say she looks nice?
Bernadette: Sure.
Raj: Can I tell her I miss her?
Bernadette: Maybe, if she asks.
Raj: Oh, can I show her an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our children and grandchildren?
Bernadette: I’d save that for the second date.
Raj: Good, good. ‘Cause no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the twins to look alike.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, I’m just trying to find the stupid next of kin to this stupid video store owner so I can return the DVD and see the look on Sheldon’s stupid face when he sees that I didn’t let this get to me.
Penny: Sheldon’s not here. Why don’t you take the sweater off?
Leonard: There’s a principle at stake.
Penny: Which is?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares? Look at me.
Penny: Oh, my God! Is that sweater made of bees? Come on, take it off. I won’t tell.
Leonard: No, no, honey, if I take it off, Sheldon wins.
Penny: Sweetie, every night you don’t kill him in his sleep, he wins.
Leonard: No, it’s, it’s almost done. I just, I have to find the next of kin, and send ’em the DVD and then just wait for someone with my complexion to die so I can get a skin graft.
Penny: Smile.
Leonard: What is that? What is that for?
Penny: So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.
Sheldon: I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.
Amy: Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing?
Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?
Amy: I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD?
Sheldon: There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.
Amy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Please. Ha-ha, Oh.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: Hello. Oh, it’s so good to see you.
Lucy: You, too.
Raj: Please, sit. I, uh, I got you a cappuccino. I remembered it was your favourite. I also got crumb cake, but I remembered it was my favourite and I ate it. Anyway, uh, how are you?
Lucy: I’m pretty good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in an e-mail.
Raj: Well, and I ate all the crumb cake. We both made mistakes.
Lucy: Okay.
Raj: I’m so happy you asked me here, and I hope we can hang out again sometime. You know, as friends, lovemaking partners, whatever.
Lucy: Oh, uh, I’m kind of seeing someone.
Raj: I think I know the answer to this, but just to be clear, it’s not me, right?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: This is all your fault, I should’ve listened to Mun-Mun because I’ve been playing with a cobra and her name is Penny. Why are you so cruel? Do you enjoy my pain?
Penny: There’s a girl at the Cheesecake Factory I can set you up with.
Raj: I love you, Penny.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?
Amy: I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?
Sheldon: There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.
Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?
Leonard: Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right?
Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.
Leonard: Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.
Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.
Leonard: Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy?
Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.
Leonard: Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!
Amy: Sheldon, that was diabolical.
Sheldon: I know. And it wasn’t easy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait for years and never know if you’re going to finally get satisfaction?
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Wow. You’re even prettier than Penny said. I can’t believe a girl like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Girl: Well, I don’t.
Raj: I don’t believe you, you’re lying to me.
Girl: What?
Raj: Oh, it’s okay. I have no morals and I’m desperately lonely. I’ll be the other man if you want a little something-something on the side.
Scene: The cheesecake factory.
Girl (to Penny): What is wrong with you?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (to Raj): What is wrong with you?
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (to a mirror): What is wrong with you?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: The math is all there. It’s not real.
Penny: Yes, it is.
Sheldon: Yeah,uh, look, it is scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you, with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn’t do it.
Raj: It’s horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They’re sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I’ve seen you eat, like, a million hamburgers.
Raj: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
Penny: Look, I’m telling you I’ve done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
Leonard: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was 16 in Nebraska. What do you think?
Leonard: I think you’re the one who fell over.
Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.
Howard: Hey.
Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?
Howard: Mmm. I’m gonna say not. That’s just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she’s snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she’s invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house.
Sheldon: Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful.
Howard: Come on, it’ll be fun.
Penny: Uh, we were actually gonna do it here.
Howard: Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy.
Sheldon: Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.
Leonard: It’d actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.
Sheldon: Uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?
Leonard: I want to go.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Raj: I’m in.
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ugh, fine, I’ll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it’s on you.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Do we really have to go to Mrs. Wolowitz’s house?
Amy: We do. And I expect you to be on your best behaviour.
Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.
Amy: Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz’s mom’s with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard: You did?
Penny: Yeah, back when I was dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, we went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels, we had a really good turkey dinner. Which was surprising, since we were at a strip club.
Leonard: Wait, you went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: We had one of those silly fake weddings.
Leonard: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: No, they’re not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Penny: No, they’re not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon: He’s right.
Amy: They’re real.
Penny: But it didn’t seem real.
Sheldon: Let me ask you a question. At any point, was Las Vegas on its side?
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: Hi, Dad.
Mike: Hi, honey.
Bernadette: Oh, you brought beer for everybody.
Mike: Uh, okay, yeah, it’s for everybody. I really just wanted to have a nice, quiet day at home and watch the game.
Bernadette: You can have a quiet day and watch the game here.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, the medicine’s not working.
Howard (off): You just took it. At least let it reach your first stomach. (entering) Hey, Mike. Let me help you out, there.
Mike: Thanks. What’s wrong with your mom?
Howard: Oh, her gout’s flaring up. Turns out an apple pie a day does not keep the doctor away.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): How can one little toe hurt so bad?
Howard: Maybe because that little piggy is being crushed by the barn. She should quiet down soon. I gave her enough pain meds to choke a, well, her.
Bernadette: I guess we’re gonna have to do all the cooking.
Howard: I have a better idea.
Bernadette: If you think you’re gonna make me do all this by myself, you’re crazy.
Howard: I was gonna make Raj do it all by himself.
Bernadette: Oh, well, that’s a great idea.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Amy: No traffic, we’re sailing.
Sheldon: Yes. Like we’re on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.
Amy: Sheldon, that’s completely inappropriate. You can’t keep comparing yourself to a slave.
Sheldon: Yes, Miss Amy.
Leonard: I can’t believe you’re married to that idiot.
Penny: Ugh, would you stop? We just did it as a goof.
Leonard: Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.
Penny: I will. Why are you making this such a big deal?
Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed, he’s gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that’s just off the top of my head.
Penny: So how do I undo this?
Leonard: I’m hoping you can get an annulment. It’s just like it never happened.
Penny: Great, well, what do I have to do?
Amy: It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon: Hah!Penny? Next.
Amy: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
Amy: Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Thanks for saving the day.
Raj: Ah, no problem. It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food. Uh, now, where does your mom keep the Crisco?
Howard: Um, I don’t know. Probably in a wad in her cheek.
Bernadette: I’ll help Raj in here. Why don’t you go keep my dad company?
Howard: He doesn’t want me in there. I’m the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
Bernadette: Don’t be silly, he loves you.
Howard: Does he?
Bernadette: Okay, he cares about you a lot.
Howard: Really?
Scene: The living room.
Bernadette: I do crap for you all the time. Get out there.
Howard: So your wife’s in Arizona with the grandkids?
Mike: Uh-huh.
Howard: You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.
Amy: Happy Thanksgiving.
Sheldon: It smells wonderful. Is anyone slaving away in the kitchen? Because I, too, know…
Amy: Sheldon.
Penny: Here. Thank you for having us.
Howard: What’s with you?
Leonard: Oh, she’s mad at me because she just found out she’s married to Zack.
Howard: Really? That dumb-ass she used to date? That’s hysterical.
Penny: I can’t believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.
Scene: The kitchen.
Amy: You need any help?
Raj: Uh, yeah, can you, uh, reach that, uh, gravy boat up there?
Amy: Uh, sure.
Raj: Great. That makes one of you. Okay, we have a lot to do and not much time to do it. Bernadette, you’re on corn, gravy and yam detail. Amy, you’re on rolls, cranberries and making sure Bernadette stays away from the marshmallows. That’s right, I see you. Okay, if you have any questions, I’ll be over here basting my ass off. Focus is key.
Amy: Did you guys know Penny married Zack three years ago?
Together: What?
Scene: The living room.
Howard: You ever play football?
Mike: A little in college. You?
Howard: No. But I did get tackled in the hallway once. The whole school cheered.
Leonard: Okay, I found the, uh, court papers that you and Zack need to fill out. I’ll print them when we get home.
Penny: Fine.
Leonard: And we can just put this whole thing behind us.
Penny: Are you done?
Leonard: What?
Penny: Look, I get it, I screwed up. Is this all we’re gonna talk about the rest of the day?
Leonard: Why are you mad at me? You’re the one that did the stupid thing. I’m just trying to fix it.
Penny: Ugh, I need some air.
Leonard: Wuh, Penny.
Sheldon: I don’t know the first thing about women, but I would not follow her.
Mike: Listen to Stretch.
Leonard: How am I the bad guy? She’s the one who married someone else. I’m the victim.
Howard: Sounds like Zack’s the victim. You’re sleeping with his wife.
Mike: I’ve kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
Leonard: Sure.
Mike: I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there?
Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.
Mike: How the hell do you know that?
Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.
Penny: Well, you’ll be happy to know I just spoke to Zack and he’s willing to sign the court papers. He’s on his way here now.
Leonard: Wait, you invited him here?
Penny: Yeah.
Mike: I’m getting ready to weigh in again.
Leonard: Come on.
Mike: What do you think they ought to do now?
Sheldon: I would throw a quick slant to a wideout, given that the defence is showing blitz.
Howard: Oh, I love a good blitz, especially with sour cream. Get it? ‘Cause it sounds like blintz.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did someone say blintz?
Scene: The dining room.
Leonard: I just don’t understand why you invited him here today.
Penny: Because you wouldn’t shut up about it. When I called him, he had nothing to do, so I just thought it would…
Raj: Hey, guys, I’m trying to cook in here.
Penny: Oh, sorry. We’ll keep it down.
Raj: No, no, speak up. I’m about to use the blender, and I don’t want to miss anything.
Leonard: Well, you might have to cook for one more because she invited Zack.
Bernadette: What?
Amy: Ooh!
Raj: My, my. The plot, like my gravy, thickens.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon: I don’t care for your mother’s bathroom. There’s not an angle to do one’s business without a clown figurine staring at you.
Howard: That’s why I sit.
Mike: Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?
Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.
Mike: I was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.
Sheldon: So was my dad. And then he did.
Howard: Anyone need a beer?
Mike: Yeah.
Howard: Thank God.
Mike: So, does your dad still live in Texas?
Sheldon: No. He died when I was 14.
Mike: I’m sorry to hear that.
Sheldon: So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried.
Howard: Here you go.
Mike: Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.
Sheldon: No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.
Mike: Well, you’re having one with me.
Sheldon: All right.
Mike: To your dad.
Howard: I never had a beer with my dad, either.
Sheldon: Do you mind? We’re having a moment here.
Scene: The kitchen.
Amy: I can’t believe Penny’s married to Zack.
Raj: Wonder what she saw in that guy.
Bernadette: I don’t know. He’s sweet, he’s tall, handsome.
Amy: Broad shoulders, good hair.
Raj: Hmm. Wonder what she sees in Leonard.
Bernadette: How’s it going out there?
Howard: Sheldon and your dad are bonding and completely ignoring me.
Amy: I know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I kick it when he’s not looking.
Bernadette: What are they doing?
Howard: They’re drinking beer and watching football.
Bernadette: So why don’t you do that with them?
Howard: They don’t want me.
Bernadette: What do you mean?
Howard: Well, Sheldon started talking about how his dad isn’t alive any more, and they were toasting, and I tried to tell them about how sad I was when my dad abandoned…
Amy: Zack’s here!
Raj: Stir the gravy.
Bernadette: Sorry. I really want to hear how sad you are. I’ll be back in like five, ten minutes.
Scene: The dining room.
Leonard: Sorry she made you come over here on a holiday.
Zack: It’s all right. I didn’t have anything going on. Plus, Penny told me we’re married, and Thanksgiving’s a time to be with family.
Penny: Yeah, okay, great. Can we just get this over with?
Leonard: Yeah, uh, you guys have to sign here and here. On Monday, we’ll file for the annulment, and this marriage will be over.
Penny: Okay.
Zack: I don’t know if I want to sign it.
Raj, Bernadette and Amy: Ooh.
Leonard: Why won’t you sign it?
Zack: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don’t have any kids.
Zack: Are you sure? ‘Cause you didn’t know we were married until this morning.
Penny: Okay, look, Zack, come on. You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean, we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
Zack: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.
Leonard: You married him instead of me? Good call. Sign the papers.
Penny: Hang on. You know what? You have been a jerk about this all day. You always do this, whenever I mess up, you’re right there to make me feel even worse about it.
Leonard: That is not true.
Penny: Yeah, we could’ve waited till Monday, signed the papers, this all would have been over.
Leonard: You’re the one who invited him here.
Penny: Oh, there you go again, just another mistake you’re throwing in my face.
Zack: Not cool, bro. I’m starting to think you’re not the kind of guy I want dating my wife.
Leonard: Yeah, well, she’s not gonna be your wife for long.
Zack: Oh, no. Are you dying?
Penny: I’m about to. Sign the paper.
Zack: Know what they say, happy wife, happy life. Let’s eat.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon (burping): Two, three, eight, four, six. (Normal) That’s all I can do without throwing up.
Mike: That is not what I expected when you said you were gonna burp pie.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did somebody say pie?
Mike: I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there.
Sheldon: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time.
Mike: Me, too.
Bernadette: Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now.
Sheldon: She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.
Amy: All right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
Sheldon: Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate.
Bernadette: It’s okay.
Howard: Don’t worry about it.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: Ain’t she great?
Mike: Mmm.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Now, how’s about you get us a couple of beers?
Scene: The dining room.
Bernadette: Thanks again for cooking.
Amy: Yeah, everything was delicious.
Raj: Well, I couldn’t have done it without my two favourite girls. Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.
Mike: Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?
Sheldon: This is a Jewish house. I don’t think they have pigskin.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did someone say pigskin?
Penny: Hey, I’m sorry about today. And I promise, next time I get married, it won’t be a joke. It’ll be for love. Or money.
Leonard: I’m sorry, too.
Zack: Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.
Mike: I know I’m hard on you, but you’re not the worst son-in-law in the world.
Howard: Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Mike: Well, I’m drunk.
Sheldon: I just vomited on a lot of clowns.
Scene: A radio studio.
Ira Flatow: This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.
Ira: So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.
Sheldon: Yes.
Ira: And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder.
Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.
Ira: It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.
Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?
Ira: That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar.
Amy: I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
Leonard: Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.
Penny: How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.
Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: Mmm, you clearly haven’t been with me at Mardi Gras.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Want to pause the video game and help me clean up?
Howard: I am cleaning up. Look at the mess the Joker made of Gotham City.
Bernadette: Come on, it’s your friend who’s coming to stay here.
Howard: Raj grew up in India. Trust me, he’s seen worse.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: I promise I’ll help out the rest of the week.
Bernadette: The rest of the week? You said it was just gonna be a night or two.
Howard: Yeah, but if I told you a week, would you have said yes?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Then you left me no choice.
Bernadette: I love Raj, but that’s a long time for a house guest.
Howard: I know, but they’re tenting his building. He can’t find a hotel he likes that allows dogs.
Bernadette: He’s bringing Cinnamon?
Howard: For a whole week, the nerve of some people.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is playing with his train set.
Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.
Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: Do you have cookies?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?
Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. It’s been a while.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Wil: Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay?
Sheldon: Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque.
Amy: Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.
Wil: Yeah, I know a little something about that.
Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.
Wil: I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.
Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?
Wil: Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.
Sheldon: That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.
Amy: Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things.
Wil: Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games.
Amy: Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so…
Wil: I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there.
Sheldon: I do see what you’re saying. That helps.
Wil: Good.
Sheldon: Would you two like to stay and play trains with me?
Wil: Sure.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.
Wil:Can I blow the whistle?
Sheldon: You should probably go.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: You’re gonna brush your teeth on my couch?
Raj: No, I’m gonna brush Cinnamon’s teeth.
Howard: Why bother? She spends half the time licking her butt.
Raj: And the other half licking my face. That’s why I’m brushing her teeth.
Bernadette: Hey, guys. Sorry I’m so late. Did you already have dinner?
Howard: No, we were waiting for you.
Bernadette: Aw, that’s so sweet.
Howard: Yeah. So what do you feel like making?
Raj: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work. Let me get you a glass of wine. I’ll cook dinner.
Bermadette: Oh, Raj, you’re our guest.
Raj: Don’t be silly. Sit. You look like you’ve had a long day.
Howard: No, she always looks like that. Because she married an idiot.
Bernadette: Thank you, Raj.
Raj: Please, this is my way of thanking you for letting me stay here. Now, tell us all about your day.
Bernadette: Okay, um, well, first, I was late to a meeting ’cause I was stuck in traffic.
Howard: Well, I keep telling you to put that traffic app on your phone.
Raj: Hey, when you got home today complaining that you felt sick from eating too many jelly beans, did I tell you how to fix it? No. I said, aw, that must hurt, and I rubbed your belly.
Howard: I thought of you the whole time.
Raj: All I’m saying is there’s a time to just listen.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Raj: There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, you’re in a good mood.
Sheldon: I’m in a great mood.
Leonard: Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist.
Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.
Leonard: Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.
Sheldon: So no more interviews?
Leonard: No, it’s all over.
Sheldon: I can’t believe it.
Leonard: Well, you’re welcome.
Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.
Leonard: I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy.
Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.
Leonard: Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other.
Sheldon: That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,
Penny: Hey, what’s with all the yelling?
Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.
Penny: Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled,
Sheldon: That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.
Penny: He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right?
Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.
Leonard: The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science.
Sheldon: Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight.
Leonard: Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.
Penny: Actually, I get what he’s saying.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.
Penny: It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.
Sheldon: I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does.
Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.
Leonard: Fine, I’ll publish.
Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Aw! Raj did the dishes.
Howard: How do you know I didn’t do them?
Bernadette: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.
Raj: Good morning, everybody. I picked up coffee while I was out. Bernadette, here’s your soy peppermint mocha.
Bernadette: Aw, you didn’t have to do that.
Raj: Oh, my pleasure, and don’t worry about your presentation today. You’re gonna be great.
Howard: Yeah, you’re gonna knock it out of the park.
Bernadette: What presentation do I have today?
Howard: Just go.
Raj: He loves you.
Howard: What are you doing? Are you trying to make me look bad?
Raj: I’m just being a good house guest.
Howard: No, you’re being a better husband than I am. Doing the dishes, getting coffee, knowing about her life, who does that?
Raj: Oh, come on, I brought you one, too.
Howard: I don’t want coffee.
Raj: That’s why I got you hot chocolate.
Howard: Give me that. Just stop showing me up.
Raj: Howard, listen to me. You’re a great husband. Yes, your listening skills could use some work. But it’s amazing how far you’ve come given that you’re an only child raised by an over-protective mom.
Howard: Um, is this getting weird?
Raj: Hang on.
Howard: So, yes.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Leonard: Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings.
Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.
Leonard: These things happen all the time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.
Barry: Thew he is. It’s my favowite superhewo, the Wetwactor.
Leonard: Come on, don’t give him a hard time.
Barry: I’m sowwy, Cooper. I wetwact it. By the way, Hofstadter, nice job dispwoving the Chinese team.
Leonard: It’s not a big deal.
Barry: It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.
Leonard: Okay, Barry, that’s enough.
Sheldon: No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.
Barry: Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That’s pwetty hurtful. I, I can’t contwol it.
Sheldon: You’re right, That was uncalled for. I take it back.
Barry: Of course you do. Because you’re the Wetwactor.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you’re here much longer, I’m gonna have to buy bigger clothes.
Raj: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You’ve been looking too skinny lately.
Bernadette: Aw. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that?
Howard: What are you talking about? Remember last week, when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren’t? How’s that different?
Bernadette: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful, like your friend Raj.
Howard: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.
Bernadette: Oh, really?
Howard: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning. And there was a note inside that said go get ’em.
Bernadette: Like I don’t do enough around here. Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note telling you to go get ’em? You’re a grown man, you should know to go get ’em.
Howard: I do know to go get ’em, but sometimes it’s nice to have emotional support when I’m going and getting them.
Raj: Hey, hey, do you hear yourselves? Let’s just, you know, all calm down and take a step back.
Bernadette: This is stupid. Why are we fighting?
Howard: I don’t know. I guess I was just feeling like I’m a lousy husband.
Bernadette: You’re not a lousy husband. You’re a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.
Howard: Are you kidding? You’re the best. I know what the problem is. It’s him.
Raj: Oh, what did I do?
Howard: You made us feel like we’re not trying hard enough.
Bernadette: Yeah, we were totally fine half-assing our marriage till you showed up.
Raj: Look, I’m sorry you’re upset with me, but I just have to say it’s nice to see the two of you on the same page.
Howard: Oh, it does feel good to have you backing me up for once.
Bernadette: I back you up all the time.
Howard: That is not… he’s doing it again.
Bernadette: What is wrong with you?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I can’t believe they kicked you out.
Raj: I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again.
Penny: Bark once if you need me to call PETA.
Sheldon: What’s that animal doing in our apartment?
Leonard: Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out.
Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.
Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better…
Sheldon: It probably won’t.
Penny: You’re probably right.
Amy: Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a nice walk together?
Sheldon: Oh, everything is just sex with you isn’t it?
Raj: Sheldon, I think you might find the support you’re looking for if you realize that relationships are a give and take. She can only be there for you as much as you are for her.
Amy: Thank you, Rajesh.
Raj: And, Amy, you need to be patient with Sheldon, instead of pressuring him to accept intimacy on your terms.
Amy: You should probably go.
Scene: The radio studio.
Ira: I’m Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. I’d like to welcome back Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Welcome to Science< Friday, gentlemen.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.
Ira: It’s all right.
Sheldon: Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me?
Ira: No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?
Leonard: Well…
Sheldon: I believe I can answer that.
Leonard: He asked me.
Sheldon: Fine.
Leonard: As I was saying…
Sheldon: You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.
Ira: You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you.
Sheldon: What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me?
Ira: Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.
Leonard: Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me.
Sheldon: Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio.
Penny (listening in her apartment): You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
Amy: A little early for alcohol, isn’t it?
Sheldon: You know, I don’t just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does)
Amy: I’ll get the vodka.
Scene: The apartment. Penny and Amy are playing a ski-ing game.
Penny: Wow, you’re really good at this.
Amy: Well, I have an extremely low centre of gravity. I’m like a pyramid.
Penny: How you doing over there?
Leonard: Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next?
Sheldon: Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.
Leonard: Where?
Sheldon: Texas.
Amy: Right now? Why?
Leonard: Is someone sick?
Sheldon: Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon: Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?
Leonard: Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister.
Sheldon: Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.
Penny: Wow, so, how long will you be gone?
Sheldon: Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?
Amy: Can I give you a ride to the airport?
Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Chop-chop, Leonard. We leave in ten minutes.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, here’s the deal. Sheldon is gone, so the tree decorating rules are out the window.
Penny: Yeah, which means we don’t have to use his ridiculous ornament-spacing template.
Leonard: And I’m happy to report its kickstarter campaign is holding strong at zero dollars.
Penny: Ah.
Raj: Wait, so Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch?
Leonard: I know, it’s crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people. (All whoop)
Howard: I’ve never done this before. It’s kind of fun.
Raj: Yeah, if your mom could see her little Bar Mitzvah boy right now, she’d have a heart attack.
Bernadette: Good idea, I’ll take a picture.
Penny: Honey, I’m a little strapped for cash this year, so for Christmas I was thinking of giving you this.
Leonard: I love it.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: But it is what you got me last year.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: And last night.
Stuart: Hello.
Various: Hey, Hi, Stuart. etc
Stuart: Oh, good, I’m glad you guys didn’t wait for me to start. Although you said seven and it’s, it’s seven, but that’s fine.
Amy (ringing from tablet): Oh, it’s probably Sheldon. Hi, Sheldon. Everybody’s here, say hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, buddy.
Raj: Hey.
Howard: Howdy.
Bernadette: Hi.
Stuart: Hello.
Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?
Amy: Yeah, kinda.
Sheldon: That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.
Penny: Hey, how’s your sister?
Sheldon: <i>She went into labor an hour ago.
Amy: That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital?
Sheldon: No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.
Raj: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.
Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.
Mrs Cooper (off): Shelly, come on. Your sister’s fully dilated and she wants a nice family picture before there’s blood everywhere.
Sheldon: Oh, boy. I picked the wrong day to wear my good robot T-shirt.
Raj: If you were having Sheldon’s baby would you really want him in the room?
Penny: Yeah, if he’s in the room when they’re making the baby, I’ll give you ten dollars.
Bernadette: Hey, I brought over It’s a Wonderful Life if you guys want to watch it later.
Amy: Oh, I love that movie.
Raj: I’ve never seen it.
Stuart: Me neither.
Amy: It’s great. It’s Christmastime and Jimmy Stewart’s really depressed and he’s gonna jump off a bridge and kill himself.
Stuart: Don’t need to see it. Living it.
Bernadette: But then he gets to see what the world would be like if he’d never been born.
Penny: Hey, you ever imagine what that would be like? Not being born?
Leonard: (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think? (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think? (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think?
Amy: You make jokes about Sheldon, but if it weren’t for him, I don’t think any of us would be sitting in this room right now.
Howard: Really? Sheldon not being here is the main reason I’m in this room.
Amy: It’s true. None of you would know me. You wouldn’t know Bernadette. You wouldn’t be dating Penny.
Leonard: You don’t know that. I’ve been going to the Cheesecake Factory for years. I could have picked her up. (General laughter)
Penny: Oh, you weren’t joking.
Leonard: No.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, let me tell you exactly how that would have gone down.
Fantasy sequence in Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna ask her out.
Howard: I’m gonna squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry, I thought we’re saying things that are never gonna happen.
Raj: Maybe this time he’s going to do it.
Howard: Hope you’re thirsty, here it comes.
Leonard: Watch me.
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order or you need a few minutes?
Leonard: I, uh, ah, um, I…
Penny: A few minutes it is.
Raj: You didn’t ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds.
Leonard: You guys are making me nervous.
Howard: Fine, then go talk to her on your own.
Leonard: I will. Excuse me.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Hi, uh, um, I’m Leonard?
Penny: Really? You don’t sound so sure.
Leonard: No, I am he. Uh, any, anyway, um, there’s been something I’ve wanted to ask you for a long time. Um.
Penny: What’s that?
Leonard: Eh, uh, well, I was wondering, if you’re not too busy, um, uh, if, if you’d be interested in telling me where the restroom is?
Penny: I think you’re too late.
End fantasy sequence
Leonard: Come on, I would not have peed my pants.
Howard: She nailed it.
Raj: Sounds about right.
Leonard: But, you forget, I did ask you out in real life.
Amy: Which couldn’t have happened if you didn’t live across the hall from her, which couldn’t have happened without Sheldon. Same goes with you guys. If Leonard wasn’t with Penny, she never would have set you up.
Howard: Doesn’t matter. Bernadette still would’ve been working at The Cheesecake Factory, and I still would’ve been working this beefcake factory. You would’ve been all over me.
Bernadette: Well…
Fantasy sequence in the Cheesecake Factory.
Bernadette: Hey, Penny, can I take that table?
Penny: Sure, why?
Bernadette: The one in the turtleneck is cute.
Raj: Open wide, here comes the happy train.
Howard: Mm-hmm, chug-a-chug-a, yum, yum.
Raj: Oh. Hang on. You got a, you got a little something. Ah.
Bernadette: Never mind.
End fantasy sequence.
Raj: Oh, man, that is so us.
Leonard: You know, maybe you and I wouldn’t be together, but you wouldn’t have done so great yourself.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: Because I know exactly the kind of guy you would’ve ended up with.
Fantasy sequence in Penny’s apartment.
Zack: Hey, babe.
Penny: Hey. Did you remember to pay the rent?
Zack: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans.
End fantasy sequence.
Penny: Hey, he may be an idiot, but at least he didn’t pee himself.
Leonard: Oh, hold on.
Fantasy sequence.
Zack: Aw, babe, I peed myself.
Penny: Me, too.
End fantasy sequence.
Leonard: The end.
Amy (Tablet ringing): Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay?
Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.
Amy: Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look.
Sheldon: Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.
Mrs Cooper (off): Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.
Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhDs yet somehow I’m the janitor of my sister’s birth canal.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon sent us all an e-mail. Happy holidays from Texas. And there’s pictures. Aah! Don’t open them. Do not open them.
Penny: Oh, come on. Childbirth is a natural, beautiful, uuurgh, it’s like someone sawed a cow in half.
Raj: My father’s a gynaecologist, I think I can handle it. And, now, I’m gay.
Bernadette: You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still live across from him.
Amy: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Fantasy sequence in the Laundry Room.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Doing laundry?
Sheldon: Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I’m in a laundry room, so, I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny. Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who’s wearing them.
End fantasy sequence.
Penny: Okay, that’s enough.
Leonard: Disagree.
Raj: Keep going.
Howard: More.
Fantasy sequence.
Penny: So, what do you think?
Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon. I need you.
Sheldon: To what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon: I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.
Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time, I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.
End fantasy sequence.
Leonard: That’s enough.
Raj: Ew.
Stuart: I was okay with it.
Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Actually, much better.
Leonard: Oh, good. Is the baby born yet?
Sheldon: I don’t know. I just got back.
Amy: Where’d you go?
Sheldon: My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (Scream from other room) Excuse me, I’m on the phone. So rude.
Amy: Here’s another one. Penny, if it weren’t for Sheldon you never would have met comic book legend Stan Lee.
Penny: Great.
Raj: At least Leonard, Howard and I would have always been friends.
Bernadette: Hey, how come you three never got an apartment together?
Leonard: We talked about it, but Howard was in a pretty serious relationship with his mom.
Howard: I lived with her to save money.
Raj: Yeah, you didn’t have to buy groceries ’cause you were breast-feeding.
Bernadette: Aw, so I guess if it weren’t for me, you’d still be living with her, huh?
Howard: Not exactly.
Penny: What do you mean, not exactly?
Howard: Well, things would be a little different.
Fantasy sequence in Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, where’s my lunch? I’m starving.
Howard: I know you’re starving. The neighbours know you’re starving. There’s starving people in Africa who know you’re starving.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): That’s it? There’s not enough food.
Howard:Well, you cleaned out Earth. I don’t know what else to do.
Bernadette: How is this any different?
Howard: You didn’t let me finish. Here you go, Mother.
Dead Mrs Wolowitz: You’re a good boy, Howard, such a good boy.
End fantasy sequence.
Amy: Wait, did she die or did you kill her?
Howard: Eh, tomato, tomahto. The important thing is she’s dead.
Bernadette: Hey, so how come you two didn’t move in together?
Leonard: Oh, this guy wanted a place of his own because he was sure he was gonna be a ladies’ man.
Raj: Yeah, I was wrong. But I do think you and I would have had a great time.
Fantasy scene in Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Come on, Leonard, dinner.
Fat Leonard: Coming.
Leonard: Hang on. Why would I be fat?
Raj: You’d have no girlfriend to see you naked, you’d try to fill the void with food, and I’m an enabler who once deep-fried a pancake.
Leonard: Why can’t you be fat, too?
Fat Leonard: What do you want to do for dessert?
Fat Raj: I think there’s still half a cake from breakfast.
Fat Leonard: No, there’s not.
Fat Stuart: Hey, guys.
Fat Leonard and Raj: Stuart!
End fantasy sequence.
Raj: What are you doing?
Stuart: I just wanted to be in anyone’s story.
Raj: Yeah, but why are you fat?
Stuart: ‘Cause Leonard was fat.
Penny: Amy, what about you? What do you think you’d be doing if you never met Sheldon?
Amy: It’s hard to say, my life would be so different.
Howard: You can say better. Sheldon can’t hear you.
Amy: I don’t know.
Fantasy sequence in Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, there’s tears in the frosting, happy birthday to me. (Stuart honks a party hooter at her.)
End fantasy sequence.
Stuart: I’ll stop now.
Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?
Sheldon: That’s it. The baby’s here. It’s a boy.
Penny: Aw.
Amy: Yay.
Raj: Congrats.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.
Leonard: Well, good for you, buddy. We’ll let you get back in there.
Sheldon: Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life.
Howard: Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon, you should go.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Well, you always complain that you never had an intelligent role model growing up, and now you can be one for your nephew.
Sheldon: Ugh, all right, I’ll go. But from what I’ve seen, his attention span is as limited as his bladder control.
Bernadette: You actually got him to do it.
Rajj: Yeah, you keep saying how much Sheldon has affected all of us, but you’ve clearly had an impact on him.
Amy: If that were true, I wouldn’t still be living alone. Well, not exactly alone. I do have a 50 pound sack of rice with one of Sheldon’s T-shirts on it.
Leonard: I’m telling you, Sheldon cares for you more than you think.
Amy: I wish I could believe you. I also wish there wasn’t a mouse living in Rice Sheldon.
Leonard: Hang on, I’m gonna give you a little early Christmas present. I’m gonna show you something, but if you ever told Sheldon he’d probably never speak to me again. So, if you want to tell him, that’s fine. Look.
Amy: I don’t understand.
Leonard: He made you his screensaver.
Amy: Oh. Wow. I had no idea. He is so into me. Wait, wait, where’d I go?
Leonard: Oh, well, it’s you, Swamp Thing, Stephen Hawking, Spider-Man, but, look, you’re in the mix.
Amy: I am in the mix. And I’m the hottest one.
Penny: Who’s that?
Leonard: Oh, Madame Curie.
Amy: That’s fine, she’s dead.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: You okay?
Amy: Just really glad you’re back.
Sheldon: Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on.
Amy: I missed you.
Sheldon: To quote Han Solo, I know.
Amy: Did you miss me?
Sheldon: I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.
Amy: Oh.
Sheldon: Or instead of me.
Amy: Did you hold the baby?
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: And? How did it make you feel?
Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn’t begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.
Fantasy sequence at the Cheesecake Factory.
Fat Leonard: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna ask her out.
Howard: And chocolate milk is gonna squirt out of my nipples.
Fat Raj: Put up or shut up. You make it, I’ll drink it.
Penny: You guys need anything else?
Fat Leonard: Uh, your phone number and one more cheesecake.
Penny: I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend. In fact, there he is now. Ready to go, sweetheart?
Stuart: Not until I get my kiss.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: This is nice, that we all get to eat together.
Leonard: Absolutely.
Amy: Hmm. Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actualhuman conversation?
Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don’t have to.
Penny: Guys, guys, you’re never gonna believe this.
Leonard: What happened?
Penny: I just got a part on a TV show.
Amy: Congratulations.
Leonard: What? That’s great. Guys.
Howard: Oh, yeah
Sheldon: Yay, Penny.
Amy: What’s the show?
Penny: Um, NC… II… or, you know, NCSTD… I don’t know, it’s, it’s, you know, it’s the one with the letters and I’m gonna be on it!
Leonard: That’s amazing.
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: What’s your part?
Penny: Um, I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj: Ooh, Mark Harmon, he’s a dreamboat.
Leonard: So it, it’s just flirting?
Penny: Well, yeah. Why?
Leonard: Uh, no reason. I just think it’s sexier when things are left to the imagination.
Amy: He’s wrong.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Raj: So I read a study that says a man with a dog is three times more likely to get a woman’s phone number.
Leonard: Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue?
Raj: I don’t see why not.
Howard: If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.
Sheldon: Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.
Leonard: It’s a joke.
Sheldon: I don’t think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz’s mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don’t usually change. Well, they don’t.
Penny: Hey, guys, don’t forget, my episode’s on TV tomorrow night.
Howard: We’ll be there.
Raj: Can we bring anything?
Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat.
Sheldon: Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I’m funny?
Leonard: No. Do you?
Sheldon: I think I’m hysterical.
Leonard: I take it back. That was funny.
Sheldon: The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object.
Leonard: I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut.
Sheldon: Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.
Leonard: You know, I think we’re zeroing in on your problem.
Sheldon: Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.
Leonard: Are you set on people laughing with you? ‘Cause if you’re cool with at you…
Sheldon: I don’t get it.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: Raj, when you said you were gonna bring a date to watch Penny’s thing tonight, I didn’t think you meant Stuart.
Howard: Really? I never for a second thought it’d be anything else.
Raj: I almost met someone last night, but I blew it. I was walking Cinnamon and this girl introduced herself, but she was so cute I panicked and said, wouldn’t it be easier if instead of talking we could just sniff each other’s butts?
Bernadette: Well, Stuart’s cute in his own way.
Stuart: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
Raj: Are possums cute?
Stuart: Not at all.
Howard: If you’re so intimidated by talking to attractive girls, maybe you should practice by talking to regular people.
Raj: You mean like fatties and uggos?
Bernadette: Or maybe just stop talking.
Howard: I’m serious. Go to the mall, talk to anybody, practice, that way when you eventually do talk to a cute girl, it won’t be so scary.
Bernadette: Or just keep dating the possum.
Scene: The apartment.
Voice on television: Parsa doesn’t have those kind of resources.
Second voice: No, and that’s why he had Erin Pace rewire it…
Leonard: I’m so proud of you.
Penny: We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet.
Leonard: I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts.
Sheldon: I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.
Amy: Why?
Sheldon: I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.
Amy: Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: Okay, shh, guys, guys, this is it.
Man on TV: I guess it’s you and me, kid.
Mark Harmon on TV: What are you doing?
Woman on TV: I’m trying to make peace.
Mark Harmon on TV: We’re good.
Woman on TV: Good.
Mark Harmon on TV: Really? Because…
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard: What’s wrong?
Penny: Well, the diner scene. Where’s my diner scene?
Sheldon: Well, don’t ask me. Until I see the prequel, I’m lost.
Penny: No, there was supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it’s gone.
Bernadette: What happened?
Penny: They must’ve cut it.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, I’m, I’m sorry.
Howard: That stinks.
Raj: I’m sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I, I thought I did a, a really good job, I… Excuse me.
Sheldon: I’ve been studying how to make people laugh. They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Let’s tickle some ribs.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (on phone): No, Dad, I don’t think they cut me out of the show because I was too pretty. No, I don’t need you to come out and kick Mark Harmon’s ass. Daddy, I gotta go. I love you. Bye.
Leonard: How you doing?
Penny: Ugh, this is such a disaster. My parents had all my relatives over. They got one of those six-foot sandwiches, and got my brother a day pass out of rehab and now he’s missing and the sandwich is missing, and they’re probably in Mexico by now. So humiliating.
Leonard: You still got the part. That’s a huge accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, but this was supposed to be my break, okay? People were gonna see me in this show and it was gonna lead to bigger things. More auditions, more parts. Now none of that’s gonna happen.
Leonard: Honey, you only had, like, three lines. That wasn’t gonna happen anyway.
Penny: Unbelievable.
Leonard: Oh, come on, no, that’s not what I meant.
Penny: Then what did you mean?
Leonard: I don’t, look, you know, words don’t always have to mean things.
Penny: I think you meant that you don’t believe in me.
Leonard: Nope. Uh, uh, I might not know what I meant, but I know that I didn’t mean that. Not this guy. Oh, no way.
Penny: I want you, right now, to give me your 100% honest opinion.
Leonard: Right.
Penny: Do you think I have what it takes to really make it as an actress?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: So you think I’ll be on TV and in movies and win awards.
Leonard: Honestly?
Penny: Yes, honestly.
Leonard: I don’t.
Penny: How could you say that?
Leonard: I don’t know, I got all confused when you said honestly.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Look, do I think that you are talented and that you are beautiful? Of course I do. But isn’t Los Angeles full of actresses who are just as talented, just as beautiful? All right, look, we’ll come back to that.
Penny: No, please. Don’t stop, go on. Tell me how I’m gonna be a waitress for the rest of my life.
Leonard: That is not what I said. Look, I think you’re really good. I truly do. But this is an incredibly hard thing that you’re shooting for. I mean, the odds of anyone becoming a successful actor are like a million to one.
Penny: Wow, thank you.
Leonard: Should’ve let Sheldon come.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise.
Amy: Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their…
Sheldon: BRAIN LESIONS!
Amy: Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn’t funny.
Sheldon: Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
Amy: Okay, the notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd. I mean, humour is a complex neurological… (Sheldon drops his trousers) Okay, that’s pretty good.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about her?
Raj: No. No pretty girls. The point is to talk to regular people and work our way up to pretty girls.
Stuart: Fine. How about that old lady with the walker?
Raj: That depends. On any level, do you think she’s hot?
Stuart: We’ll find somebody else.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Kumquat?
Amy: I guess.
Sheldon: Ointment?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?
Amy: I don’t think I want to go out with you anymore.
Sheldon: Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.
Amy: Sheldon, how many words are you gonna go through?
Sheldon: All of them.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You didn’t get your part cut.
Voice on TV: All right, baby, here’s the deal.
Penny: And you didn’t get your part cut. Yep, bunch of old guys rocking out in a band, all with erectile dysfunction, you didn’t get your part cut!
Leonard: Hey. Can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.
Leonard: That was really crappy of me. What you’re trying to do is hard, but people do make it, and I really do believe you could be one of them.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: And to show you how much I believe in you, I kind of got you an audition.
Penny: Are you serious? For what?
Leonard: The new Star Wars movie.
Penny: What? How did you manage that?
Leonard: There’s this thing online, you put yourself on tape and just send it in, anyone can do it.
Penny: Come on Leonard, this is just a PR stunt.
Leonard: So? Even if it is, you have a huge advantage because you’re an actual actress. Most of the people doing this are just weirdoes and nerds. Wolowitz sent his in two days ago.
Penny: Really, let it go.
Leonard: Look, maybe it is a long shot, but sometimes long shots happen. Luke Skywalker was only given one chance to destroy the Death Star. He had to get a torpedo into an exhaust port that was only two meters wide, but with the help of The Force, he… wow, I can feel you hating me right now.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about that lady in the sweat suit, speed-walking?
Raj: Yeah, she seems friendly and easy to… never mind, she’s gone. You know, maybe talking to people is too hard.
Stuart: We could go over to that department store, practice on the mannequins.
Raj: I don’t know. They’re dressed very stylishly. They’re probably stuck-up. This is ridiculous. The next person that walks by, no matter who it is, they’re the one. We’re gonna die here.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Amy: Hello.
Bernadette: Hey.
Howard: Where’s Sheldon?
Amy: He’s home trying to use science to determine the basis of humour.
Bernadette: That’s interesting.
Amy: It’s exhausting. Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh at a knock-knock joke that starts with knock-knock-knock, Amy, knock-knock-knock, Amy, knock-knock-knock, Amy?
Bernadette: If you want him to stop, sometimes the easiest thing to do is just fake a laugh.
Howard: Fake a laugh? Do you ever do that with me?
Bernadette: No, of course not.
Howard: Well, I’d be able to tell anyway.
Bernadette: I don’t think you would.
Howard: Please, I’ve made plenty of girls laugh, sometimes just by asking them out. (Bernadette laughs uncontrollably) Yeah? Well, I fake my orgasms.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Yes, how much for a hundred long-stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Yeah, I’ll call you back.
Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn’t mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard: Well, I don’t think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um, I was just upset with myself. I wasn’t mad at you. I just feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard: Come on. It’s okay.
Penny: No, it’s not okay. Look at me, okay? I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and I’m still doing it. I can’t quit, because guess what? I can’t do anything else. And I finally get my big break, and it goes away. I’m such a mess.
Leonard: No, you’re not.
Penny: Really? ‘Cause this morning at Starbucks, a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn’t the only one in there.
Leonard: Okay, listen to me, this is just a minor setback.
Penny: No, it’s not, okay? I’ve been out here for, like, ten years. I’ve nothing to show for it.
Leonard: Well, you have me.
Penny: You’re right. I do have you. Mm. Let’s get married.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Ooh. Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me?
Leonard: Um…
Penny: Did you seriously just say um?
Leonard: Look, you know I love you but, but you’re, you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost.
Penny: Okay, so, so you don’t want to marry me?
Leonard: That is not what I said.
Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer’s off the table.
Sheldon: Who’s in the mood to laugh?
Leonard: Really not a good time.
Sheldon: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I’m gonna go.
Leonard: Penny, don’t.
Penny: No, no, I just need to be alone.
Sheldon: So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?
Leonard: To my room.
Sheldon: Should I follow you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about those guys on that bench over there? They look pathetic. I bet we could talk to them.
Raj: That’s a mirror.
Stuart: Oh, yeah.
Security Guard: Hey, fellas, mall’s closing.
Raj: Sorry.
Security Guard: Yeah. Good night.
Raj: Uh, excuse me.
Security Guard: Yeah?
Raj: Uh, do, do you like being a mall security guard?
Security Guard: It’s all right.
Raj: Okay, nice talking to you.
Stuart: Smooth.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Can’t sleep?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard: Penny proposed, and I didn’t say yes.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: That’s a good question.
Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: Why don’t you ask her?
Leonard: Because I’m afraid to know the answer.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry.
Leonard: That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?
Sheldon: No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.
Leonard: Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?
Sheldon: No. That wouldn’t be funny at all.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: Star Wars audition, take one, starring Howard Joel Wolowitz, real-life astronaut. Vader is here, now, on this moon. I felt his presence. He’s come for me. He can feel when I’m near…
Bernadette: How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it’s empty?
Howard: I’m in the middle of something.
Bernadette: So am I.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: It’s an outrage.
Leonard: I know.
Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.
Leonard: You need to let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.
Leonard: Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days.
Sheldon: But I don’t want a vacation.
Leonard: Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now.
Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?
Leonard: It doesn’t.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: I’m gonna go talk to Penny.
Sheldon: I’m going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Look, I’m sorry I didn’t text you back. I just needed some time to think.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: Yeah. Come in.
Leonard: Look, if you want to break up, just say it.
Penny: Leonard…
Leonard: No, no, no, no. I take it back. Don’t say it. Just, just hate me, but stay with me. It worked for my parents.
Penny: Listen, I don’t want to break up with you.
Leonard: Oh. Oh, okay. Good, good. So, it’s cool if I cry a little?
Penny: Yeah, I probably wouldn’t.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Look, you did the right thing last night. I was a mess. I was just frustrated because my career is going nowhere.
Leonard: Look, I get it, and I want you to know that I support whatever you want to do.
Penny: Great, because I’ve been thinking, if I really want this acting thing to work, I need to focus all my energy on it. And to do that, I should quit waitressing at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Wow. That, that’s a big step.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: So, well, before making any rash…
Penny: I already quit.
Leonard: And I support you.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.
Leonard: No. You’re on vacation.
Sheldon: Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?
Leonard: Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it?
Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Please.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Too bad. I’m coming with you.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, stay.
Sheldon: But.
Leonard: I said stay. I’m going to work. Do not follow me.
Scene: The comic book store.
Bernadette: Hey Stuart.
Stuart: Hey.
Bernadette: Sorry. Did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes, but at this point, pretty much any customer does. What can I do for you?
Bernadette: Well, I need a little help. I accidentally destroyed one of Howard’s comic books this morning, and was hoping I could replace it.
Stuart: Wow. What happened?
Bernadette: Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron.
Stuart: Well, don’t let The Riddler know that. It’s a comic book joke. Or maybe it’s not.
Bernadette: Do you have this one?
Stuart: Uh, well, it’s, it’s pretty rare. Can you give me a few days to track it down?
Bernadette: Ooh, I was kind of hoping to get it before Howie comes home from work.
Stuart: Oh. What’s the hurry?
Bernadette: Well, he’s always saying I should be more careful with my curling iron, and it seems like a dangerous precedent to let him think he can be right.
Stuart: Well, I’ll do what I can, but I can’t make any promises.
Bernadette: You know, I do work at a pharmaceutical company. If you can make this happen today, I can hook you up with anxiety medication, antidepressants.
Stuart: Really? Do you have any of these?
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Amy: Hello, Mr. Rat Brain. Not so bitey without the rest of the rat to back us up now, are we?
Howard: Anybody home?
Amy: Hey, what brings you guys here?
Raj: Well, we were just on our way to lunch and wanted to see if you’d like to join.
Amy: Why? Because Sheldon’s not here this week, and you don’t think I have any other options? I’m just kidding. I’ll get my purse.
Bert: Hi, Amy. I, oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had any company.
Amy: That’s okay. Uh, Bert, this is Howard and Rajesh. Guys, this is Bert.
Howard: Hi.
Raj: Hey. Good to see you.
Bert: Anyway, I wanted to show you this tourmalinated quartzthat we got in the lab.
Amy: This is so pretty. Bert works for the geology department.
Bert: Yeah. You know what, uh, geologists and Bon Jovi have in common?
Howard: You’re both into rock?
Bert: Yeah. Well, see ya.
Amy: Oh, you forgot your quartz.
Bert: Oh, it’s okay. I want you to have it. Bye.
Amy: He’s nice.
Howard: Yeah, he’s nice because he likes you.
Amy: What?! No, he doesn’t.
Raj: He brought you a pretty rock.
Amy: So? He does that every day. Oh.
Howard: You know, if you’d rather skip lunch and hang out with your boyfriend Bert, it’s totally okay.
Amy: He’s not my boyfriend.
Raj: Are you sure? He’s tall, pale and awkward. That sounds like your type.
Amy: Should someone as lonely as you really be making fun of me?
Raj: Yeah, grow up, Howard. God.
Amy: What do I do? I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Howard: Maybe the problem is he thinks you’re available. Does he know you’re dating Sheldon?
Amy: I guess it hasn’t come up.
Howard: There you go.
Raj: And does Sheldon know you’re dating Sheldon?
Amy: I’m sorry. Who are you dating?
Raj: Yeah, knock it off, Howard.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: You okay?
Sheldon: I’m on vacation. What do you think?
Penny: Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.
Penny: Oh. Well, good boy.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Penny: Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class.
Sheldon: Well, have fun.
Penny: Okay. You want to come with me?
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Come on, boy. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go. Get in the car. Come on.
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart (on phone): All right, thanks a lot. They have one at Capital Comics.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s great.
Stuart: No, it’s not. I hate that place. Guy who owns it is a jerk. He’s always making me feel bad about myself.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s terrible. What’s the address?
Stuart: You know, why don’t I just take you there? That way, I can make sure he doesn’t rip you off.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks, but I don’twant you to close up. I mean, won’t you lose business? Sorry. That was mean.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Amy: Penny really quit The Cheesecake Factory?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: So, what is she doing today?
Leonard: I don’t know. She already thinks I don’t support this, so if I call, it might look like I’m checking up on her.
Raj: Well, do you support this?
Leonard: Of course I do. She’s a great actress. I’m proud she’s taking this risk.
Amy: That’s nice.
Leonard: You bought that? Great. I got to call her before I forget how I said it. Hey.
Penny: Hi. What’s up?
Leonard: Oh, how’s it going? You taking Hollywood by storm?
Penny: Actually, I’m at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: You got your job back. That is great news. I didn’t want to say anything, but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane.
Penny: Yeah. I’m just returning my uniform.
Leonard: And I support you.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Voice: Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment.
Sheldon: Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider.
Voice: Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out.
Sheldon: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.
Voice: In.
Sheldon: Let me guess.
Voice: And out.
Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?
Penny: I didn’t get it.
Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.
Penny: Do you think quitting my job was a mistake?
Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade?
Penny: No. I’m serious.
Sheldon: Why do you ask?
Penny: Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not?
Sheldon: No, I don’t think you are.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.
Penny: Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can’t Leonard understand it?
Sheldon: Because he’s not like us, Penny. We’re dreamers.
Penny: Yeah, I need to start cracking the window when I leave you in the car.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Bert: Hey.
Amy: Hello, Bert.
Bert: So, anyway, there’s this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I, I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren’t you?
Bert: Yeah.
Amy: That’s very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That’s what you all say. You just don’t want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that’s not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don’t worry. I’m used to it. I mean, I’m big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.
Amy: Don’t say that.
Bert: It’s okay. I know I’m a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I’d love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It’s a date.
Amy: No, it’s not.
Bert: Too late.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Bernadette: Wow.
Stuart: Yeah. Haven’t seen this many people in my store since that Korean church bus crashed through my front window.
Jesse: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Jesse.
Jesse: Haven’t seen you in forever. Look how grey you’ve gotten.
Stuart: My hair’s exactly the same colour as always.
Jesse: No, I was talking about your skin.
Stuart: Look, uh, my friend here needs a comic book.
Jesse: Ooh, and she went into your store by mistake. Good thing there was no one there to see you. What do you need? Oh, yeah, yeah. I got this. Right over here.
Stuart: Even you, Sweatpants?
Sweatpants: Free popcorn.
Jesse: Can I offer you a coffee? Espresso? Latte?
Bernadette: No, thanks.
Jesse: How about you, Stu? Mocha? Scone? Directions to the nearest soup kitchen?
Bernadette: Hey.
Jesse: I’m just kidding. He knows where the soup kitchen is.
Stuart: It’s on Merton Avenue.
Bernadette: I don’t think I like the way you’re treating my friend.
Jesse: Sorry. You want the book or not?
Bernadette: Not from you. Let’s go, Stuart.
Stuart: You know something, Jesse? You may have a successful business and the kind of pink complexion that comes with good nutrition, but I have something more important.
Jesse: What’s that?
Stuart: Friendship. Which I would trade in a heartbeat for all of this.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Howard: The mineral and rock show? That would be awful even without Bert.
Amy: So what am I supposed to do now?
Raj: Prepare your uterus for his gigantic offspring?
Amy: This isn’t funny. I’m gonna have to tell him the truth, that even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be interested in him.
Howard: Oh, I’ve heard those words so many times. From Linda Nosenchuck, Tammy Rosenworcel.
Raj: Padma Kapur, Neha Chowdury.
Howard: Marci Grossman, Lisa Mazzarino.
Raj: Megan Pincus.
Howard: Tammy Cho.
Raj: Oh, who was that girl from our Starbucks?
Howard: Arlene Russel.
Raj: Yes. Arlene. She wrote no way on both our cappuccinos.
Howard: Poor Bert. That guy’s got a rough afternoon ahead of him.
Amy: Well, how would you want a girl to tell you she wasn’t interested?
Raj: I guess, uh, I’d like her to sit me down, look me in the eye and say, I was wrong. I love you. And then maybe she could touch me in a special way.
Howard: That’s how you reject a guy.
Amy: Okay, I don’t have time for this. I’m just gonna go find him and be brutally honest.
Howard: No, don’t.
Raj: He’ll be so upset. He’ll probably climb up the Empire State Building and start swatting at planes.
Howard: You want us to talk to him?
Amy: Really? You would do that?
Raj: Sure. We’ve both been in his shoes. We’ll let him down with compassion and respect.
Amy: Thank you.
Howard: Let’s go.
Raj: So we tell him she’s a lesbian, right?
Howard: Of course we tell him she’s a lesbian.
Scene: The apartment. Penny and Sheldon are doing yoga.
Penny: And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let’s try Warrior 2. And hold.
Sheldon: I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think we’re gonna get to do that today.
Sheldon: Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Penny: And now we go to Reverse Warrior.
Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.
Penny: I’m helping him relax because, unlike you, he supports me.
Leonard: Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.
Penny: Sheldon, take a break.
Sheldon: Namaste.
Penny: Okay, if you support me, what was with that phone call?
Leonard: Fine. I’m not sure you should have quit. But if you care so much what I think, why didn’t you ask me before you did it?
Penny: Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job?
Leonard: Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon: I’m willing to if you guys are.
Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon: Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard: For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.
Sheldon: Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Penny: Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot.
Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22.
Leonard: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you’re on my side, but you don’t act like it.
Sheldon: He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it?
Leonard: Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it’s scary for me, too.
Sheldon: I’m fine with it.
Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.
Sheldon: Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let’s all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you’ll need a straw.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Jesse: You’re back.
Bernadette: Yes, I am, there’s a few more things I want to say to you. Stuart’s store is just fine, and he’s a much nicer person than you are, and if you still have that comic, I’d like to buy it right now.
Jesse: No problem. Oh, you want a latte while you wait?
Bernadette: No, I don’t want a latte. I want a cappuccino and a blueberry scone.
Jesse: I only have chocolate chip.
Bernadette: Well, that sounds even better.
Scene: Bert’s car.
Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: We’re sorry Amy didn’t want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-o-ow!
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: T-minus 60 seconds.
Raj: Oh, it all comes down to this.
Leonard: Oh, I’ve got butterflies.
Sheldon: Don’t get soft on me, Hofstadter. I will slap those glasses right off your face.
Penny: What’s going on?
Leonard: Hey. We’re about to buy tickets for Comic-Con.
Penny: Oh.
Howard: T Minus 45 seconds.
Leonard: They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes…
Sheldon: Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants.
Penny: This is a whole lot of weird before coffee.
Howard: T-minus 30 seconds.
Raj: Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad.
Sheldon: Every year. I told you, wear a diaper.
Raj: And I told you I get diaper rash.
Howard: 15 seconds.
Leonard: Well, this is it, this is it. This is it.
Howard: Five, four, three, two, one.
Sheldon: It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.
Raj: Anyone in?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Not yet.
Howard: Nope.
Sheldon: Do not stop refreshing your screens.
All (repeatedly): Refresh. Refresh. Refresh….
Penny: Yeah, this is not gonna be enough coffee.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The same, shortly after.
All (repeatedly): Refresh… Refresh… Refresh…
Howard: It’s been ten minutes. We’re running out of time.
Penny: To be cool? Yeah.
Leonard: I did it, I did it, I’m in the queue.
Sheldon: Yay! And they say firefighters are the real heroes.
Raj: Uh, what number in line are you?
Leonard: Uh, fifteen…
Howard: Great.
Leonard: …thousand two hundred and eleven.
Howard: Damn.
Raj: Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left.
Howard: Really?
Leonard: Oh, Thursday’s gone. Just Sunday left.
Sheldon: Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.
Leonard: Sunday’s gone.
Sheldon: Not Sunday, I love Sunday.
Raj: So that’s it? Everything’s sold out?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: I can’t believe we’re not going.
Sheldon: It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.
Penny: Oh, guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.
Sheldon: I can’t believe we wasted all that time on our Hulk costumes.
Penny: What? You were all going as the Hulk?
Howard: Not the same Hulk. Ferrigno, Bana, Norton and Ruffalo.
Raj: We would have been the angry green belles of the masquerade ball.
All: Yeah.
Penny: And we’re back to the first kind of sad.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don’t need them. I’m starting my own convention.
Leonard: Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us.
Sheldon: I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days.
Leonard: Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets.
Howard: I already found a guy online who’s willing to sell.
Sheldon: How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?
Leonard: The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.
Howard: Sheldon, just come with us. You’re not gonna make your own convention.
Sheldon: You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn’t exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I’m gonna rip that guy off.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): Yes, I’m starting my own comic book convention, and I thought that your client, Robert Downey Jr., would be perfect to appear on our first panel. Oh, well, now, why are you saying no? You haven’t even asked him yet. You know, excuse me, but I sat through Iron Man 2. I believe he owes me two hours of his time. They hung up on me.
Leonard: Did you tell them that you’re holding your convention at a Marie Callender’s, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie?
Sheldon: I didn’t even get to that part.
Leonard: Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time.
Sheldon: Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.
Leonard: Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you.
Sheldon: You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.
Leonard: Good luck.
Sheldon: No, wait. I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Nye the Science Guy, ’cause, legally, I’m not allowed to. Oh, and, also, Carrie Fisher, you know, ’cause I hear he can be pretty nuts.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe Leonard is spending hundreds of dollars on scalped tickets.
Amy: Last week, you spent that on a little dress.
Penny: Yeah, but those tickets only get him into Comic-Con. That dress gets me into anywhere I want.
Bernadette: Those tickets were pretty expensive. I had to give Howie an advance on his allowance. Now he’s never gonna put his toys away.
Amy: Why can’t they do something sensible like Sheldon and start their own comic book convention? Also, who wants to throw me out that window?
Bernadette: Well, while they’re acting like teenagers, we could do something grown-up.
Amy: Oh. You mean like a museum?
Penny: Yes, like a museum, but anything else.
Bernadette: Oh, I know. There’s a nice hotel not far from here where they do afternoon tea.
Amy: Ooh, afternoon tea, how sophisticated of us.
Penny: Oh, all right, if we’re gonna be fancy, I should probably put on clean underwear.
Bernadette: La-dee-da, look who has clean underwear.
Penny: No, we’re gonna stop at Target on the way.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, since Sheldon’s not going to Comic-Con, maybe we could find a cool trio to dress up as.
Leonard: Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us.
Howard: Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.
Leonard: Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape?
Sheldon: I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.
Raj: How are you gonna get James Earl Jones?
Sheldon: Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and…
Howard: And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you get scalped tickets with us or not, but please don’t be creepy and go stalking this poor guy. You’re gonna get in trouble.
Sheldon: You’re the ones who are going to get in trouble. You’re buying non-transferable tickets. And from a stranger, no less. Not only can you get banned from Comic-Con, if caught, you could be charged with petty theft. You think about that while I’m warning James Earl Jones about the danger of posting his location on Twitter. He got lucky this time. There are some weirdoes out there. (To the Imperial March theme) Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, badala, baba, badalum, bom, badala, bom, bom, forgot my keys, bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum…
Scene: The same, later.
Howard (on phone): Okay, great. Bye. Our friendly neighbourhood scalper says he’s running late.
Raj: Does he sound like a criminal?
Howard: What do you mean?
Raj: You know, did he say things like, youse guys, or, listen here, see?
Leonard: Yes. He, he’s late because he’s on his way here from 1940.
Raj: I’m just saying, we don’t know who this guy is. What if he wants to steal our money or our kidneys, or make a suit outof our skins?
Howard: Why would someone want to make clothes out of your skin?
Raj: I don’t know. Maybe ’cause dark doesn’t show the stains?
Leonard: Well, now you’re making me wonder if we should have met him at a neutral location.
Howard: Why do you think I told him to come to your place?
Scene: Hotel tea room.
Amy: There sure are a lot of little kids here.
Penny: I can’t believe we thought this would makes us feel grown up.
Bernadette: I can’t believe the waiter thought I was your daughter.
Amy: Well, last time I got dressed up and had tea was when I was five. Just me, my teddy bear, Raggedy Ann and my hamster.
Bernadette: That’s cute.
Amy: It was. Till my hamster ate all her babies. It got less cute really fast.
Bernadette: Should we leave?
Penny: Well, there’s a bar in the lobby.
Bernadette: I could go for a drink.
Amy: Aw. Drinking in the afternoon, just like her mommy.
Scene: A sushi restaurant.
James Earl Jones: Let me guess. You like Star Wars. You know, I’ve been in other movies. But you don’t care about those, do you? I have one thing to say to people like you. I like Star Wars, too. Care to join me?
Sheldon: Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.
James Earl Jones: Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie.
Sheldon: He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Okay, so, I’m on a Comic-Con message board, and there’s a post from a guy where he says he got caught using someone else’s badge, and Sheldon was right, he did get charged with petty theft. Guys, if I go to jail dressed as the Human Torch, that might send the wrong message.
Leonard: Maybe this isn’t a good idea.
Howard: I can text the guy and tell him we changed our minds.
Raj: Do it.
Howard: Okay. We’re officially not going to Comic-Con.
Leonard: Hold on. We always do this.
Howard: Do what?
Leonard: Chicken out. We’re, we’re so afraid of getting into trouble that we never do anything wrong.
Raj: That’s ’cause we’re the good guys.
Leonard: Even Batman breaks the rules.
Raj: You know I struggle with Batman.
Leonard: I say, this one time, instead of wimping out, let’s be badasses.
Raj: Okay, I’ll be a badass, but only if you pinky-swear to be one, too.
Leonard: Howard, you in on this?
Howard: No need. I’m breaking rules all the time.
Leonard: Name one.
Howard: Last night. Drank my Pepto straight out of the bottle.
Raj: What about that little cup they give you?
Howard: Yeah. What about it?
Raj: Are you impressed by that?
Leonard: A little.
Raj: Yeah, me, too.
Scene: The sushi restaurant.
James: You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.
Sheldon: Me, too. But he wasn’t, was he?
James: He was not. How messed up was that?
Sheldon: So messed up.
James: What do you say let’s go have some fun? My wife’s in New York, and I got a Lion King residual cheque burning a hole in my pocket.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Penny: So, afternoon tea was a bust.
Amy: On the bright side, every six-year-old there was jealous of my tiara. Not gonna lie, it felt good.
Penny: Let me ask you a question, when did you guys start feeling grown up? ‘Cause I am not sure I do.
Bernadette: Honestly, I thought when I got married I would, but I still kind of feel like I’m pretending. It doesn’t help that most of my clothes come from Gap Kids.
Penny: Okay, so I’m an adult, and the other day I saw an old man slip and fall down, and I laughed. I mean, I laughed hard. Like, like, out loud. If he was conscious, he would’ve heard me.
Amy: Gosh.
Penny: I know. One of the tennis balls came off his walker and bounced right off his head. I mean, I, I almost wet myself. I guess you had to be there.
Amy: I think I have you both beat. Imagine trying to feel like a grown-up when you’ve never even been with a man.
Penny: Okay, sex is not what makes you a grown-up.
Bernadette: Yeah. Or you’d be the oldest one here.
Penny: Really? Is that how you talk to your mother?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: He just parked. He’s on his way up.
Leonard: Good. This is exciting.
Raj: It is. I feel alive.
Leonard: Yeah. What if we do get caught, who cares? So we get banned from Comic-Con.
Raj: Maybe slapped with a fine.
Howard: Oh, no. I’d be an astronaut and a bad boy, how will women keep their pants on?
Raj: Uh, maybe it’ll come up when I apply for citizenship. Oh, crap, what if it comes up when I apply for citizenship?
Leonard: I wonder if we’d have to disclose something like this when we apply for grants.
Raj: He’s gonna be here any second, what should we do?
Howard: Okay, you guys are such babies. I’ll handle this. If he thinks we’re not home, he’ll go away.
Raj: I thought you were a badass.
Howard: I lied about the Pepto, I always use the little cup.
Scene: An ice cream parlour.
Sheldon: Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years?
James: It is true.
Sheldon: Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?
James: They sure did.
Sheldon: Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?
James: That’s right.
Sheldon: Oh, James, I could listen to your stories all night.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Penny: I mean, really, what’s so great about being grown up?
Bernadette: Well, for starters, we’d be splitting this check three ways.
Penny: I’m serious. Who wants to do all that stuff? Have insurance, pay mortgages, leave one of those little notes when you hit a parked car.
Amy: I told you it was Penny.
Penny: Oh, come on, it wasn’t me. Anyone could have knocked your mirror off, or whatever happened.
Amy: Maybe the guys are right. I mean, we spent the whole night trying to be mature, and it was kind of boring. I’m sure they’re having more fun than we are.
Scene: The apartment. Banging on door.
Howard: Oh, God, I could really use exactly two tablespoons of Pepto right now.
Scene: A big wheel.
Sheldon: Hey, Los Angeles. I’m on a Ferris Wheel with Darth Vader. And he’s nicer than you think.
James: I am.
Scene: A karaoke bar.
Sheldon: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…
James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…
Sheldon: Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh.
James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…
Sceme: Outside a house.
Sheldon: I don’t understand what we’re doing.
James: Shh.
Sheldon: Whose house is this?
James: Carrie Fisher. And she’s a little crazy, so get ready to run. (Rings doorbell)
Carrie Fisher: It’s not funny anymore, James.
James: Then why am I laughing?
Scene: A sauna.
James: Ah, Sheldon, this is the perfect end to a perfect night.
Sheldon: Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke.
James: What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?
Sheldon: Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?
James: No. Something about a convention.
Sheldon: Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.
James: Why don’t you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me?
Sheldon: Really?
James: Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I’m taking you every night.
Sheldon: Ay-yi-yi.
James: Ay-yi-yi, bang-bang.
Scene: The same, later.
James: So, Beau Bridges is on my shoulders, and Jeff Bridges is on Marlon Brando’s shoulders, and remember, we do not have permission to be in the pool… hey, Sheldon, wake up. And Angie Dickinson is about to sic the dogs on us, and I go under the water and Marlon goes under the water, and the water raises about two feet and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, and then we run like hell. Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, who’s Angie Dickinson?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision.
Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list.
Amy: I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable.
Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.
Amy: We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.
Amy: Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.
Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.
Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.
Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Why not?
Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.
Amy: One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.
Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.
Amy: I got you your own room.
Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?
Amy: It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster.
Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.
Amy: We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.
Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.
Amy: An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.
Sheldon: Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we’re good.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Are you sure you guys don’t want to come with us to Napa? You could probably still get a room.
Penny: No, I think we’re just gonna have a quiet weekend at home.
Leonard: Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs.
Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on.
Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?
Howard: I’m sorry, what?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.
Howard: I don’t own a pocket watch.
Sheldon: Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.
Raj: Since you two are gonna be around for Valentine’s, would you mind watching Cinnamon?
Penny: You have Valentine’s plans? Which came out sounding way more surprised than I meant. Here, let me try that again. You have Valent… See? I can’t do it.
Raj: I don’t have plans which is why I booked time on the big telescope that night.
Amy: Well, an evening looking at the stars, that’s still kind of romantic.
Raj: Except I’ll be alone.
Amy: I’m trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.
Leonard: We’d be happy to watch Cinnamon.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: Thank you. Oh, and I’d like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have sex, it’s cool if she stays in the room.
Penny: Hey, same goes for the two of you with Amy.
Scene: The Pullman dining car.
Amy: What do you think, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.
Amy: I’m so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I’m prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Okay. Raj, I got it. Bye. (To Cinnamon) That was your daddy. He wanted me to say that he misses… Why am I doing this?
Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Leonard: Ooh, flowers and chocolates? Somebody’s trying to get me out of my panties.
Penny: Don’t be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. It came that way when I bought it.
Leonard: Got you a little something, too.
Penny: Aw, jewellery. Oh, my God, Lakers tickets?
Leonard: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.
Penny: Aw. You are the best boyfriend ever.
Leonard: Thank you. Seriously, please don’t make me go.
Penny: Should we take this little party to the bedroom?
Leonard: Mm, don’t have to, we have the whole place to ourselves.
Penny: Oh, that’s true.
Leonard: In fact, if you want, we can do it right here on Sheldon’s spot.
Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Leonard: To the bedroom.
Penny: Yeah.
Scene: The dining car.
Waiter: And for the entrée, tonight’s special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?
Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?
Waiter: I’m sorry, I meant questions about the food.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?
Amy: Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.
Man in seat behind: Fun fact, it’s neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.
Sheldon: Get out of town.
Howard: Fun fact, I’m gonna jump off this train.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, Cinnamon, guess who just did it human style.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: It’s a little late, but I’ll take it.
Penny: No, Cinnamon ate the chocolates. That’s really bad for dogs.
Leonard: Oh, crap. What are we gonna do?
Penny: We gotta get her to a vet right now.
Leonard: I don’t have a vet. I have a podiatrist, an optometrist, an allergist, a dermatologist, a urologist. You’d think I’d have a vet.
Penny: Okay. There’s one not far from here. Come on. Let’s go.
Leonard: Okay. Koothrappali was right. We should have let her watch.
Scene: The dining car.
Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.
Man: Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh.
Sheldon: It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.
Man: I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.
Amy: See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud.
Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?
Man: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
Sheldon: Wow. Your life’s amazing.
Man: Not always. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
Amy: Why do I even try?
Bernadette: I’m gonna fix this right now.
Howard: Okay. Just make it look like an accident.
Bernadette: Excuse me. You are at Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon: You’re right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.
Man: All right.
Bernadette: Great. Now there’s two of ’em.
Scene: A vet’s surgery.
Lady Vet: How much chocolate did she eat?
Penny: A whole box.
Leonard: Well, to be fair, you ate a lot of it before you gave it to me.
Penny: So the point is I may have saved her life.
Vet: I’m sorry, is this a joke to you?
Leonard: No. Maybe to her.
Vet: How big a box of chocolate was it?
Penny: Uh, something like this. I don’t know. It came free with a full tank of gas.
Leonard: Really? Do you know how much those Lakers tickets were?
Penny: Do you know how much gas is?
Vet: Hey.
Penny: Sorry.
Leonard: Sorry.
Raj: Oh, my God, Cinnamon, are you okay? I can’t believe you two. You do whatever it takes to save her life. If she needs new organs, I’ll buy any dog necessary and scrap them for parts.
Vet: You’re the owner?
Raj: Owner, father, soul mate, and if anything happens to her, your worst nightmare.
Vet: Well, she’s not throwing up, which is a good sign. So, I’m gonna take her in back, put her on fluids and give her something to absorb the toxins.
Raj: Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she’s scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don’t do Firework, that gets her all riled up.
Vet: Got it. Should have been a dentist.
Scene: The dining car.
Man: Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?
Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one.
Man: Or was there?
Sheldon: What?
Man: In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.
Sheldon: In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?
Howard: A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.
Man: Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.
Sheldon: I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?
Waiter: Better than you think.
Man: You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room.
Sheldon: I never want this day to end.
Amy: It’s feeling like it never will.
Sheldon: Come on.
Man: Hey, did I tell you what happened to me at UPS?
Scene: The vets surgery.
Raj: As if Valentine’s Day wasn’t bad enough, you try to kill my dog? And with cheap chocolate, no less?
Penny: It wasn’t cheap. It was free.
Leonard: We’re really sorry. It was an accident.
Penny: Yeah, we weren’t even out of the room that long.
Leonard: Oh, no, come on. It was a while. It was a while.
Raj: Oh, is Cinnamon gonna be okay?
Vet: She’s responding well. We just want to keep her a little longer for observation.
Raj: All right. Uh, would, would it be okay for me to see her? We’re usually in bed by now, and I want her to know that I’m here. Yes, we sleep together, and sometimes we spoon.
Vet: It’s okay. I sleep with my dog, too. We’re not supposed to let people in back, but I think I can make an exception.
Raj: Thank you.
Vet: Come on. By the way, I sang her Katy Perry.
Raj: Oh, yeah?
Vet: And I don’t care what that obnoxious parrot back there says. I crushed it.
Penny: I think there’s something going on between the two of them.
Leonard: Maybe, but you also think nine minutes isn’t a while, so what do you know?
Scene: The dining car.
Howard: You okay?
Amy: Why? Because my boyfriend’s off playing choo-choo with some weirdo?
Howard: Well, to be fair, they’re both weirdos.
Amy: I don’t know what made me think tonight would be any different.
Bernadette: Well, just the fact that you got him up here still says a lot. To be honest, I bet Howie 200
bucks it wasn’t gonna happen.
Howard: I’m going to the Lego store to get a big-ass R2-D2.
Bernadette: See? It’s not just Sheldon. They’re all idiots.
Howard: She’s right.
Bernadette: So, your boyfriend’s a fixer-upper. Most of them are. I mean, look at this guy. You think he came like this? When I met him, he was a hot, goofy mess. Now, he’s been to space. That’s all me.
Howard: I had a little to do with it.
Bernadette: Oh, sure you did. Who’s Mama’s big space man?
Howard: I am.
Scene: The vets surgery.
Leonard: They’ve been in there, like, half an hour.
Penny: Yeah, for future reference, that’s a while.
Leonard: How long should we stay?
Penny: I don’t know. I’m kind of hungry.
Leonard: I saw a Thai place next door.
Penny: Oh. Okay. Oh. Oh. Hey.
Leonard: How’s she doing?
Penny: How is everything?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: She’s gonna be okay; they’re gonna let me take her home.
Penny: Oh, good.
Vet: So I want you to keep a close eye on her for the next 24 hours. Here are a few warning signs to look out for, and if you see any of them, don’t hesitate to call.
Raj: Oh. Thank you for taking such good care of my little girl.
Vet: My pleasure. Have a nice night.
Leonard: Yes, thank you for all your help.
Penny: Yeah. I’m sorry if you didn’t think we were taking it seriously. We love animals.
Vet: Oh, do you guys own any pets?
Penny: No.
Vet: Good.
Scene: The dining car.
Howard: I love you so much.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Howard: Sorry.
Bernadette: Sorry.
Man: You guys missed a pretty great time.
Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch.
Man: It was crazy.
Sheldon: Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.
Amy: Okay. I need to speak to my boyfriend in private, like, right now.
Howard: There’s a car with a glass roof. Want to go look at the stars?
Bernadette: Oh, that sounds so romantic.
Amy: Oh, give it a rest.
Bernadette: Let’s go.
Amy: Why are you still here?
Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.
Amy: I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening.
Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.
Man: I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it?
Sheldon: I get it.
Amy: Leave.
Sheldon: What is your problem?
Amy: It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?
Amy: Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen.
Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.
Amy: That was nice.
Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.
Amy: Okay, have fun.
Sheldon: Do you want to come with me?
Amy: Really? I do.
Man: Hey, guys, wait up.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let’s see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I’d known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I’ll point out her name’s Yvette, and that she’s a vet. That’s hysterical. She’ll love it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You’re back. How was your trip?
Sheldon: It was wonderful.
Leonard: Great. What did you do?
Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details.
Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.
Leonard: No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you?
Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.
Leonard: Well, give it a go.
Sheldon: I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.
Leonard: Additional data. You dog.
Sheldon: I’m not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.
Scene: The apartment
Howard: I’m thinking about growing a goatee.
Raj: Oh, actually that’s a Van Dyke. A goatee is just hair on the chin.
Leonard: Oh. Wait, then what is it if you just have hair up here?
Raj: You mean a moo-stache?
Leonard: Moo-stache.
Howard: He said it.
Raj: Ha-ha, very funny. Make fun of the foreign guy. For your information, there are four times as many Indians as there are Americans, so the way we say it is right.
Howard: Say what?
Raj: Moo-stache.
Leonard: Moo-stache.
Howard: He said it.
Bernadette: Guys, you’re being childish.
Sheldon: Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches.
Amy: Hey, you were funny on purpose, good job.
Penny: Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an audition.
Leonard: Oh, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: You’ll get ’em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Just shut up.
Raj: Here, you can have your seat.
Penny: No, no, no, stay there. I’m fine on the floor.
Bernadette: Have you guys ever thought about getting a dining room table?
Amy: Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there.
Raj: Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.
Sheldon: No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table.
Leonard: I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea.
Penny: Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?
Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
Howard: Hey, how come we never get that option?
Sheldon: Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system, if the equations describing its behaviour are non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.
Penny: Translation?
Leonard: Waah. I don’t want a table.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, Penny and I are gonna go shop for a dining room table. You want to come with us?
Sheldon: You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.
Leonard: Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working?
Sheldon: I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.
Leonard: Are you really gonna sit here all day?
Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.
Leonard: If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway.
Sheldon: It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.
Leonard: I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it.
Sheldon: You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.
Leonard: Oh, hang on. Check your in-box.
Sheldon: Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.
Leonard: Huh?
Sheldon: But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.
Leonard: Nary an argument? Nary?
Sheldon: Well, that means not one, or not any. Maybe instead of a table, you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won that, but at least he’s upset.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Check it out.
Raj: Magic wand TV remote?
Howard: Yeah, I can control all sorts of stuff.
Raj: Did Bernadette think it was cool?
Howard: Not when I said mute and pointed it at her face.
Raj: Oh, uh, let me try. Uh, channelis changeroni. This might be my second favorite brown magic wand.
Howard: Well, that’s the last time I play with that. (Phone rings) I have to take this. Hello? 00:04:24,137
Raj: Uh, off. And on. And the Oprah Network. This is so much better than watching TV like a muggle.
Howard: Okay. Thank you. We’ll be in touch. You’re not gonna believe this.
Raj: What’s going on? Oh. Wait. On. And off. What’s going on?
Howard: That was NASA. They want me to go back up to the space station.
Raj: Wow. What did you tell them?
Howard: I told them I’d be honoured.
Raj: A second trip to space, I’ll miss you.
Howard: And I’m gonna miss you, too.
Raj: And I just want you to know, I’m happy to look in on Bernadette while you’re gone.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: And if anything were to happen to you, we will name our first born son Howard. I’m just kidding. We’ll name him Dalib, after my grandfather.
Scene: A furniture store.
Penny: Ooh, this one looks nice.
Leonard: No. Sheldon doesn’t like reclaimed wood.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: He’s afraid the original owners will come back.
Penny: Yeah. Well, Sheldon’s not here.
Leonard: Well, he is here. So unless you want to dig him out with a bone saw and a melon baller, there’s nothing I can do about it.
Penny: All right, sweetie, you’re paying for this table, and it’s your apartment, too.
Leonard: I know, but…
Penny: No buts. You got to stop letting him boss you around.
Leonard: You’re right. I mean, he decides what TV shows we watch, what food we eat, who my favourite hobbit is. I wanted Frodo, but we can’t both have Frodo, so guess who’s stuck with Samwise Gamgee.
Penny: See? Right there. You’re a grown man, you should be able to pick whichever hobbit you want. Wish you wouldn’t, but one problem at a time.
Leonard: You make a lot of sense. I like this table, and I’m getting it.
Penny: Really? This one?
Leonard: That one? Damn right I like that one.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Hey.
Howard: Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.
Bernadette: Fine. Can I at least shower first?
Howard: No, not that. Although you already agreed to it, so no take-backs.
Bernadette: What are you talking about?
Howard: Sit down. NASA called. The telescope mount I installed on the space station got damaged, and they want me to go back up and fix it.
Bernadette: Wow. Well, what did you say?
Howard: What do you think I said? I said yes. Why do you look surprised?
Bernadette: Well, it’s just, after last time, I didn’t think you’d ever want to go back.
Howard: Are you kidding? It was the greatest experience of my life.
Bernadette: Really? ‘Cause I kind of remember a lot of complaining and wishing for it to be over.
Howard: I think you have me confused with what’s gonna happen when you get out of that shower.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, all set. What do you think? There’s plenty of room for everybody, a view out the window.
Sheldon: My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.
Penny: Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it.
Sheldon: You’re absolutely right. Nope.
Penny: Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it a fair shot.
Sheldon: So, when can we get rid of it?
Leonard: We’re not.
Sheldon: What about the roommate agreement? It specifically states that any changes in furnishing have to be approved by the Furnishing Committee. Which only sits on alternate years. Yeah, and by the way, it sits over there.
Penny: Come on, that is ridiculous.
Leonard: She’s right, a committee that important should meet more often.
Penny: That’s not what I’m saying.
Leonard: Oh. This is the thing about me standing up to him and not letting him run my life?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: That.
Sheldon: Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you.
Penny: Me?
Leonard: Well, it’s always me, take one for the team.
Sheldon: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.
Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?
Leonard: Fancy sounds like a compliment.
Penny: Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you.
Sheldon: That’s not true.
Penny: Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.
Sheldon: She told you?
Penny: Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.
Leonard: You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.
Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.
Leonard: Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked.
Sheldon: No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death.
Penny: Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.
Leonard: Or you’re just a tall, annoying frog.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, wait.
Sheldon: No. You’ve opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate, open-minded person. And that stops now.
Leonard: Well, we should call her.
Penny: Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship, so just sign this with your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.
Amy: I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m a little surprised you didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?
Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.
Amy: Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me.
Sheldon: It doesn’t?
Amy: Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does.
Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?
Amy: All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on?
Sheldon: It is hideous.
Amy: Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey.
Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?
Amy: Of course I was.
Sheldon: Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?
Amy: I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it.
Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?
Amy: I think you’d be smart enough to see that, too.
Sheldon: Okay. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time, I just had to be sure.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: It’s pretty exciting that NASA wants to send Howard back up.
Bermadette: Yeah, exciting. Can I ask you something?
Raj: Course.
Bernadette: He hated that entire experience. Does it make me an awful wife if I don’t think he should do it again?
Raj: Not at all. He’s forgotten how miserable he was the entire time he was up there. It’s like me in those moments when I miss India.
Bernadette: So you’ll talk to him?
Raj: Why me?
Bernadette: Well, I’m his wife, I don’t want to ruin it for him.
Raj: That’s the dynamic, I’m the fun one, you’re the buzzkill.
Bernadette: Since when am I the buzzkill?
Raj: Do you think this is cool?
Bernadette: No, I think it’s stupid.
Raj: Aha.
Bernadette: You’re right, it’s great.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You guys didn’t break up.
Sheldon: No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.
Amy: Which you also figured out by yourself.
Sheldon: Which I also figured out by myself.
Penny: Well, I’m glad you’re still together.
Sheldon: Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.
Amy: Which is stronger than ever.
Sheldon: Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.
Howard: But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good.
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: You don’t need to explain yourself to him.
Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to you!
Amy: You’re sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.
Sheldon: Keep the table. We don’t use that space.
Amy: Damn it, I got cocky.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Hey, Bernie. I’m home. Hello.
Bernadette: Hi, honey.
Howard: What’s going on?
Bernadette: Maybe you should have a seat.
Howard: Um, okay. I know my mom’s not dead, there’d be balloons.
Raj: Um, okay. First off, know that we all love you and cherish you.
Mike Rostenkowski: Well, I wouldn’t…
Bernadette: Daddy.
Mike R: You’re great.
Mike Massimino (on skype): Can I say something?
Raj: Oh, of course.
Mike M: Hey, Fruit Loops.
Howard: Massimino? Why are you here?
Mike M: Well, I heard you were thinking about going back up to the space station, and as someone who’s been there with you, well, you know how astronauts need to have the right stuff?
Howard: Sure.
Mike M: The stuff you have is wrong.
Howard: You don’t think I did a good job up there?
Mike M: You did a fine job. It’s just, you were scared and miserable the whole time.
Bernadette: I think what we’re all trying to say is, you don’t seem to be remembering how traumatic the experience was for you.
Raj: Like how women often forget the pain of childbirth.
Mike R: Like a woman. Great analogy.
Howard: Fine, maybe I was a little scared.
Mike M: You peed in your space suit.
Howard: You’re supposed to do that.
Mike M: Not during the fitting.
Mike R: Son, do I need to remind you what you asked me to do before you went up last time?
Howard: Hang on. That was just me joking around.
Mike R: You wanted me to shoot you in the foot.
Howard: Come on, how is that not a joke? You got to get me out of this. Shoot me in the foot.
Bernadette: Don’t forget all the other astronauts picking on you.
Raj: And how you threw up in zero gravity, and it floated back in your mouth. And you threw up again. And so on and so on.
Mike M: That was funny.
Howard: Okay, so I wasn’t exactly John Glenn up there, but I’ve changed. I’m a different man now. Yeah, and I’m a little insulted that you guys don’t think I can handle it.
Mike M: You know you’re gonna have to go through survival training again.
Howard: Really?
Scene: A doctor’s surgery.
Howard: You’ve got to get me out of this.
Doctor: What do you want me to do? You’re perfectly healthy.
Howard: Check my blood pressure again. I can get it higher. just give me a second. (Dials phone)
Mrs Wolowitz (on phone): Hello?
Howard: Hi, Ma. How are you?
Mrs Wolowitz: How I am is not dead, but you wouldn’t know that, because you don’t love me enough to pick up the phone.
Howard: Go, go, go.
Mrs Wolowitz: For all you know, I could have slipped in the tub and drowned. That’s what happened to your Aunt Ida.
Doctor: Wow.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Howard, I’m so sorry your blood pressure was off the charts.
Howard: Oh, me, too. I mean, the doctor was willing to fudge the results, but it just seemed so darned dishonest.
Leonard: But the mission wouldn’t be for at least a year. Isn’t that enough time to get your blood pressure under…
Howard: Look, my blood pressure’s too high, okay? Drop it.
Penny: You know, my aunt changed her diet, and in a few months, she…
Howard: Went to space? I don’t think so. Now, pass the soy sauce. Hey, not the green one, the red one.
Penny: Sheldon, Amy, will you please come join us?
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s fun up here.
Leonard: So why are you trying to ruin it?
Sheldon: No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if you people want to eat at the table, then that’s what you should do. I like eating down here because this is how we’ve always done things. But if those days are gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.
Bernadette: Now I feel bad.
Leonard: Oh, don’t anthropomorphize him, he’s got big eyes, but his feelings are not like ours.
Bernadette: No, it just seems silly for us to sit in two groups.
Leonard: Well, it’s not silly if you think of that group as being led by a big, evil baby.
Bernadette: Look at Amy down there. Should we go?
Penny: Yeah, let’s go.
Leonard: But Penny, this was your idea. You said that I should stand up to him.
Penny: Forget it, Leonard. It’s over.
Leonard: Fine.
Amy: Rajesh?
Raj: Screw that! I sat on the floor for seven years. I’m staying right here.
Bernadette: Come on, Raj, it’s not the same without you.
Raj: Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.
Howard: You mean tings like moo-stache?
Sheldon: Well, isn’t this nice. Sometimes the baby wins.
Sceme: The apartment
Bernadette: Raj, your tag’s sticking out.
Raj: Thank you. That was the closest I’ve come to sex in, like, two years.
Bernadette: Now I feel a little gross.
Raj: You’re only making it seem more real for me.
Howard: Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.
Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?
Sheldon: How about Penny’s depressing acting career?
Leonard: Hey. I mean, it’s been a little tough, but Penny’s following her dreams, and in my book, that is not depressing.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Howard: Is that book called Lies I Tell to Get Sex?
Raj: Is that a real book? I would totally read that book.
Amy: Can I borrow it when you’re done?
Penny: Well, I’ll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Penny: Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.
Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.
Sheldon: She does. 42 minutes in.
Raj: While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.
Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.
Penny: Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape’s DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.
Sheldon: Am I missing something, or isn’t that the part she was born to play?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So are you really not gonna do this movie?
Penny: Well, I don’t think it’s the kind of part that’s good for my career.
Leonard: Well, but don’t a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies?
Penny: Okay, I don’t think Meryl Streep ever had to say “Must keep gorilla hands from killing again!”
Raj: If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong.
Leonard: I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.
Amy: I think we’re gonna go.
Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.
Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do.
Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye.
Bernadette: Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?
Penny: Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices.
Amy: I think we’re gonna go.
Leonard: No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight.
Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.
Howard: I didn’t do anything. I was just sitting here.
Sheldon: I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman.
Raj: Ha-a-a. Still funny.
Bernadette: That was ten years ago.
Sheldon: Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over.
Amy: Really?
Howard: The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That’s funny.
Raj: I was there. It was funny.
Sheldon: In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth.
Scene: The street
Amy: Thanks for walking me to my car.
Raj: Actually, it’s for both of us. Last night, I watched West Side Story, and I’m a little freaked out by street gangs.
Amy: Why can’t Raj find a girl? The mystery continues.
Raj: I don’t appreciate your sarcasm, but we’ve still got two blocks to go, so I’ll put up with it.
Amy: Whatever happened with your online dating?
Raj: No one was writing me back, so I stopped checking my profile.
Amy: Before I met Sheldon, I was ready to give up, too. Once, I even dropped in on my OBGYN just to get some human contact.
Raj: It has been a while since I got my prostate checked.
Amy: Then I met Sheldon and look at where we are now.
Raj: What? You’ve kissed, like, once in three years.
Amy: That’s true. Do whatever you want.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends.
Sheldon: Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.
Howard: Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off.
Sheldon: Very well. How do you propose we move forward?
Howard: Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other.
Sheldon: That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.
Howard: Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre.
Sheldon: I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: I’m glad because I would not have seen that coming.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Raj: Amy, I could use some help.
Amy: Oh. Let me guess. There’s an undergrad in a leather jacket snapping his fingers by the water fountain.
Raj: I thought about what you said last night, and I went back on the dating Web site and I was looking at this girl’s profile. She’s amazing.
Amy: Oh, she’s cute. And smart. Phi Beta Kappa.
Raj: And judging by her lack of Adam’s apple, she’s been female her entire life. I like that in a woman.
Amy: Great, so what do you need me for?
Raj: Well, I was up all night trying to write to her, but I wanted to run it by you first.
Amy: All right.
Raj: Emily, your face is like a precious dew-kissed flower.
Amy: Wow.
Raj: I know. Powerful stuff, huh?
Amy: No. You’re supposed to be yourself, not all desperate and creepy.
Raj: Okay, I’m getting some mixed messages here.
Amy: Just say something normal like, I saw your profile. Looks like we have a lot in common, let’s get a cup of coffee sometime.”
Raj: Yes. Where I can be jealous of the cup touching your ruby lips. Or you just write it for me.
Amy: I’m not gonna pretend to be you.
Raj: I don’t want you to pretend to be me. You can be like my, uh, online wingman. Like if we met her at a bar and you talked me up.
Amy: Well, what would I say to her?
Raj: Just tell her what I’m really like. And, if you think it’ll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy.
Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.
Penny: Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good.
Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…
Penny: Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now.
Sheldon: Maybe it’s just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Are we playing individual or teams?
Raj: Teams are fun.
Sheldon: Oh, in that case, I’d like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj: But I’m always on Howard’s team. We’re best friends. The kind who finish each others…
Howard: I really don’t think we do tha…
Raj: Do that. See?
Penny: Oh, hi.
Leonard: Oh, how’d it go at the mechanic?
Penny: Not great. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Raj: Maybe I can go with you guys to Houston?
Howard: Isn’t it a little late to get plane tick…
Raj: Plane tickets? Yeah.
Howard: Will you please sto…
Raj: Stop that? Okay.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: I don’t know what to do. My car threw a rod and it’s totaled. I can’t afford a new one, I have no job, and now I can’t drive to auditions.
Leonard: I’m so sorry. I know it’s a sensitive subject, but can you reconsider that part in the movie?
Penny: I did. I called them. The part’s gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.
Leonard: At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.
Penny: How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life.
Sheldon: Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.
Penny: I’m sorry, is the fact that my life’s falling apart interfering with your board game?
Sheldon: It is. You were wrong, friend Howard. She completely understood.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Raj: Hey, you busy?
Amy: No. What’s up?
Raj: Have you heard back from Emily?
Amy: I have.
Raj: Great. And?
Amy: And I’m afraid she doesn’t think you’re right for her.
Raj: I give you one simple thing to do, contact a complete stranger and make her fall in love with me, and you blow it.
Amy: I told her what a good guy you are, but she thought it was a bad sign that you didn’t write to her yourself. She thought it made you seem too shy and passive.
Raj: I’m not too shy and passive. You write her back and tell her I said that. You know, when you have a second.
Amy: Look, I’ll see if I can change her mind tomorrow night.
Raj: What’s happening tomorrow night?
Amy: I’m meeting her for coffee.
Raj: What?
Amy: Well, we just, we e-mailed back and forth a bit, and we kind of hit it off.
Raj: I find a girl I like, and you’re stealing her?
Amy: No. We just ended up having a lot in common. We went to Harvard, we like Chaucer, we’re both hardcore into quilting.
Raj: Your words fall like acid rain on the wounded petals of my heart.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: That’s Sheldon. He says he’ll be down in a minute.
Bernadette: What are you doing?
Howard: Oh, he’s not coming out until he sees proof you don’t have an air freshener in your car.
Bernadette: This is gonna be a long weekend for you.
Howard: You’re the reason I’m doing it.
Bernadette: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.
Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.
Sheldon: Hello.
Bernadette: Hi.
Howard: Hey, buddy.
Bernadette: You excited for Texas?
Sheldon: Oh, very much so.
Howard: It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut.
Sheldon: Oh, who’s the real astronaut?
Howard: Buzz Aldrin.
Sheldon: Oh. Yay.
Scene: An airplane.
Sheldon: (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard?
Howard: What now?
Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.
Howard: You just went to the bathroom.
Sheldon: But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.
Howard: Well, it still doesn’t.
Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.
Howard: Fine.
Sheldon: Why are you getting annoyed?
Howard: I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things.
Sheldon: Like when?
Howard: When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous.
Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: But I still need to use the bathroom.
Howard: Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence?
Sheldon: No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.
Howard: Oh, this is nothing. I experienced way worse when I was plummeting back to Earth, apparently not being a real astronaut. Okay, that was a big one.
Sheldon: I take it back. I’m scared of turbulence!
Howard: I’m gonna need that bag back.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: You sure you want to do this?
Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn’t I want to get my old job back? It’ll be fun to see everyone. I haven’t talked to them since I said I quit, see you at the Oscars, bitches. Come on, let’s just get this over with.
Leonard: Let’s get this over with. Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory, or are we having sex? I’m just, I’m trying to lighten the mood.
Penny: I know. Thank you.
Leonard: Sorry.
Penny: It’s just so humiliating.
Leonard: So humiliating? Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory…? I’m sorry. I’ll. I’ll stop. I’ll stop.
Scene: Outside the building.
Leonard: Come on, don’t look so sad. You never know what’s gonna happen. Maybe tonight will be great.
Penny: Sweetie, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, and I love you for that, but it’s making me feel worse, and I kind of hate you. This isn’t your car.
Leonard: I know. I thought we’d take yours.
Penny: I don’t understand.
Leonard: It’s nothing fancy, but it’ll get you to auditions, and at least for now, you don’t have to go back to waitressing.
Penny: I don’t know what to say.
Leonard: Don’t say anything.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: I mean, you could say thank you. I did just buy you a car.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Amy: Look, I admit that it’s odd that Rajesh didn’t write to you himself, but if you get to know him, you’ll see he’s just a sweet, regular guy. As a counterpoint, here he is, uninvited and visibly sweaty.
Raj: Hello, Emily.
Emily: Hello.
Raj: Amy told me you were concerned that I might be too passive and shy. Let me ask you something. Would a passive guy barge in here to look you in the eye and say, hey, dew-kissed flower, what’s up?
Emily: No, but a weird guy with no boundaries might.
Raj: Uh, okay, that’s a separate issue. Let’s put a pin in that and just focus on the passive thing.
Emily: I’m leaving.
Amy: Are we still going to go to that Chaucer reading Friday?
Emily: You know, I think I’m just gonna go by myself.
Raj: Not my best first date. Yeah, but not my worst, either.
Scene: The airplane.
Sheldon: I’m sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you.
Howard: I’m sorry, too. It’s all my fault.
Sheldon: If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.
Announcement: The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.
Howard: It’s over.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Howard: Should we stop holding hands now?
Sheldon: In a minute.
Howard: Okay, good.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Should you really be sitting in Sheldon’s spot?
Raj: He’s in Texas, he’ll never know.
Penny: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
Leonard: Yeah, he has a very sensitive butt. Well, it’s true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up.
Raj: Have you heard from Howard?
Bernadette: I did. His talk at NASA went great.
Penny: Sheldon didn’t heckle him?
Bernadette: No, in fact, he was so well-behaved, Howie bought him a Buzz Aldrin bobble head and astronaut ice cream.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Amy: Oh, hi.
Bernadette: Hi, Stuart.
Raj: Hey, Stuart!
Stuart: How’s it going?
Raj: Good. Sheldon’s out of town, so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn’t like.
Stuart: Oh, how is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.
Leonard: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Amy: I don’t know.
Bernadette: Well, I told Howie if I wasn’t busy, I’d spend the night at his mom’s. So for God’s sake, think of something.
Raj: Stuart? Are you okay?
Stuart: No, I don’t feel so…
Leonard: Oh, my God, Stuart?
Penny: Oh, my God, you guys need to do something!
Raj: Stuart?
Leonard: Calling 911.
Raj: Well, it’s too late.
Leonard: What do you mean it’s too late?
Raj: He’s been murdered by someone in this room.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: Oh, come on.
Raj: Welcome to another classic Koothrappali murder mystery dinner.
Amy: I’m leaving.
Raj: You can’t leave. You’re a suspect in the mysterious murder of Stuart Bloom.
Bernadette: I didn’t know his last name was Bloom.
Amy: Yeah, it’s Bloom.
Penny: Are you really gonna lie on the floor and pretend to be dead all night?
Stuart: What do you think I was gonna do at home?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Are you gonna make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents?
Raj: Lame characters with silly ac…, what kind of actress are you?
Penny: You’re right, I’m sorry. Sounds like fun.
Raj: Thank you.
Penny: That kind of actress. This sucks.
Leonard: Come on, guys. Raj put a lot of effort into this. And that’s great. It’s not sad, it’s great.
Amy: I think it might be fun to be someone else tonight.
Raj: Actually, you’re all just gonna be yourselves.
Amy: Oh, ugh.
Bernadette: All right, if I’m doing this, I’m playing to win, so just to be clear, if we’re ourselves, that means one of us killed Stuart?
Raj: Very good, Bernadette. You are a regular Byomkesh Bakshi.
Bernadette: What is that, like, the Indian Sherlock Holmes?
Raj: Or is Sherlock Holmes the English Byomkesh Bakshi?
Amy: According to Wikipedia, Sherlock Holmes came first.
Raj: Great, everyone’s a Byomkesh Bakshi. Now, here are some secret facts about each of you, including whether you are the murderer. Throughout the game, feel free to ask each other questions to uncover clues.
Penny: Got it. Hey, who’s the murderer?
Raj: Any question but that.
Penny: Sorry. Hey, who’s not the murderer?
Stuart: Bernadette, can you not stand so close to me?
Bernadette: What do you care? You’re dead.
Stuart: Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.
Scene: A hire car.
Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head.
Howard: Thank you for not making fun of me during my speech.
Sheldon: It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz?
Howard: We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something.
Sheldon: I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.
Howard: Oh, boy.
Sheldon: Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn’t exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.
Howard: I was gonna say we pick up a cake or a pie. But an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: So, what happens next?
Raj: I can’t tell you that. But perhaps the killer dropped a fun and imaginative clue somewhere in the apartment.
Penny: Ooh, I’m gonna check the fridge, and see if there are any clues inside a beer.
Amy: Hey, I found something. It looks like a little man with a briefcase.
Leonard: Oh, no, no. That’s Clarence Darrow. It’s from a game Sheldon made up called Chutes and Lawyers. You slide down a chute and then work your way back up through the appellate system.
Raj: Well, unlike that, my games are much more fun.
Penny: Okay, can I ask you something? Why do you like making us do this stuff?
Raj: Well, I guess it goes back to when I was a fat kid in India, and didn’t have any friends.
Bernadette: I didn’t know you were fat.
Raj: Yeah, I was. I was 200 pounds by the time I was in middle school. Kids were mean. Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn’t help if you look like one. Anyway, I was pretty lonely, so I had to make up my own stories and games, and I promised myself if I ever made any friends that, that I would play those games with them.
Amy: That is so sweet.
Leonard: I’ve seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid.
Raj: No, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling.
Bernadette: Hey, what about this? It looks like a receipt.
Amy: What’s it for?
Bernadette: For a cup of coffee. But it’s dated 20 years from now.
Raj: From the future? How fun and imaginative.
Leonard: So one of us came back from the future to murder Stuart?
Raj: Correct.
Leonard: Does the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know he’s just ripping off Terminator?
Raj: Does the smart-ass know that Terminator was actually ripped off from an Outer Limits script called Demon With a Glass Hand, by Harlan Ellison?
Leonard: Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier?
Penny: I’m gonna need another clue.
Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.
Howard: Okay, give me the flowers and pie.
Sheldon: But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.
Howard: They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.
Sheldon: Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.
Howard: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: Nothing.
Howard: What? Sheldon, tell me what’s going on.
Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.
Scene: A bar in Texas.
Howard: You ready to talk about it?
Sheldon: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?
Howard: Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming?
Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?
Howard: Well, did she see you in the window?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Then don’t say anything.
Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?
Howard: Well, don’t do it on the phone.
Sheldon: No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.
Howard: That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off.
Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.
Howard: Look, she’s a grown woman. And, and your dad’s been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.
Sheldon: I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Okay, murder suspects, Leonard has found the time machine the killer must’ve used. You’re all inside it, and we hurtle through the very fabric of time. And welcome to 20 years in the future. Hey, you guys just time-travelled. Stop looking so bored.
Penny: Well, my beer isn’t flat and my rack’s not saggy. So far, the future’s great.
Stuart: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
Raj: Fine, just try not to look too alive.
Stuart: That’s my jam.
Bernadette: So one of us went back in time to kill Stuart?
Amy: But why?
Raj: Perhaps this will help. Here are some facts about yourselves in the future that might contain a clue.
Amy: Hey, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology, then I used the money to buy Stuart’s comic book store, and close it down so Sheldon would pay attention to me. Not the worst idea.
Penny: Hey, I’m a famous actress living in London.
Leonard: Hmm, I’m a professor at Stanford.
Penny: Hmm.
Bernadette: So I guess you two are making it work long distance.
Raj: Oh, no. In this game, as your careers both took off, you drifted apart. Kind of like how future me lost touch with you guys after I became boy toy for the wrinkled, but still flexible, Madonna.
Amy: What does your card say, Bernadette?
Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, hang on. Do you think we’d really drift apart if we both became successful?
Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress and had to move, you would just come with me.
Leonard: But if I get a chance to be a tenured professor, I might not have that much choice in where I end up.
Penny: Yeah, but if I become a successful actress, we wouldn’t need the money.
Leonard: Well, you don’t go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month, my company both invented and cured Restless Eye Syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps.
Penny: So, wait, if my career took me somewhere else, you might not go?
Amy: Dun, dun, dun. He started it.
Raj: Okay, okay, guys, new back stories. Uh, Penny and Leonard, you two lovebirds are super successful and living in New York. Uh, you’re an actress, you’re a professor and you have three beautiful kids.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: Really? You think I’m putting this body through three kids?
Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.
Sheldon: Okay, let’s do this.
Howard: Good luck.
Sheldon: You, aren’t you gonna come with me?
Howard: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here.
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.
Mrs Cooper: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?
Mrs Cooper: That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.
Sheldon: Who was he?
Mrs Cooper: His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.
Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him?
Mrs Cooper: A few months.
Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?
Mrs Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.
Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.
Mrs Cooper: I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.
Sheldon: Or what?
Mrs Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.
Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.
Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I’m a professional scientist.
Mrs: Go to your room!
Sheldon: I’m a grown man.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Can we please get back to the game?
Leonard: In a minute. I don’t understand why any success you have in acting is more important than any I have in science.
Penny: Okay, if you do something cool in science, you might change the world. If I become a famous actress, I’m not gonna tell you why movie stars are the best. They just are.
Amy: I’m surprised you guys never talked about this stuff.
Leonard: Like you and Sheldon have everything figured out?
Amy: Actually, our relationship agreement covers a wide array of scenarios, including career changes, financial instability, intelligent dog uprising. FYI, we plan on selling out the human race hard.
Penny: In 20 years, who knows what’ll happen with any of us?
Stuart: I think you and Leonard will be together.
Penny: You do?
Stuart: Yeah. I think you’re the best couple I know.
Leonard: Aw.
Penny: That’s so sweet.
Bernadette: What the hell?
Amy: Excuse me?
Penny: Ah-da-da-da-da, let the dead man talk. So, why do you think that?
Stuart: Uh, well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of his shell. And it seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don’t know. Together, you two kind of make one awesome person.
Penny: Aw, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.
Raj: Oh, come on.
Bernadette: Penny did it, I win. Suck it, jackasses.
Scene: Sheldon’s old bedroom.
Howard: Hey, can I come in?
Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.
Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom.
Sheldon: No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.
Howard: You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.
Sheldon: Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.
Howard: I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.
Sheldon: I didn’t know she did.
Howard: Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.
Sheldon: What did you do?
Howard: Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.
Howard: All I’m saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.
Sheldon: You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.
Howard: And the healing begins.
Scene: Mrs Cooper’s living room.
Sheldon: Hello.
Mrs Cooper: Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults?
Sheldon: I am.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.
Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?
Mrs Cooper: You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days.
Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?
Mrs Cooper: Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is.
Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mrs Cooper: That is very Christian of you.
Sheldon: Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.
Mrs Cooper: How old do you think I am?
Sheldon: My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.
Mrs Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?
Sheldon: Well, someone has to.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon: No, don’t look to Him. He’s mad at you right now.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Oh, come on, don’t pout. I’m sorry I ruined your game.
Raj: I’m not pouting, I’m brooding. Which is how sexy men pout.
Amy: It actually was kind of fun.
Raj: You’re just saying that.
Amy: Yeah.
Bernadette: I liked the time travel element.
Raj: Thank you. I thought it was inspired.
Leonard: It was. By Terminator.
Bernadette: Well, I hope 20 years from now, we really are all still together and still friends.
Penny: Definitely.
Leonard: Of course. Well, hey, how about this? Whether we’re friends, not friends, scattered around the world, no matter what, let’s all promise to meet in front of this building exactly 20 years from tonight at 8:00 p.m. and have dinner like we always do.
Bernadette: Aw.
Penny: I love it.
Leonard: Putting it in my phone right now.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Stuart: My phone doesn’t have a calendar. So I’ll just write it on my hand.
Raj: And it’s done.
Penny: Yup, we’re all in.
Leonard: All right, I’ll see you guys in 20 years.
Scene: In front of the building, 20 years later.
Stuart: I knew it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.
Leonard: If only there were a solution to that.
Sheldon: Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish tank in my pelvis.
Leonard: So go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: I can’t.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?
Leonard: Forgive me for asking a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?
Sheldon: I’m not being stupid. I’m employing the work of Dutch researcher, Mirjam Tuk, who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.
Leonard: Why did I pee before I decided to move in here?
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey. Oh, how’d the audition go?
Penny: I killed it. I was even able to cry real tears right on the spot.
Leonard: Oh, that’s great.
Penny: I know. Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.
Sheldon: Here come the waterworks.
Leonard: Aren’t you gonna ask?
Penny: What is this, my first day?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Can I get your opinion on something that happened at work today?
Penny: Yeah, sure.
Amy: Of course.
Bernadette: Okay, well, I did something that will either make me look like a lovable goof or a horrible monster damned to spend eternity in hell.
Amy: I’m sure it’s lovable.
Penny: I’m gonna go with monster. What do you got?
Bernadette: Well, there’s this lady in our office who’s retiring, and they were passing around one of those big cards for us to sign.
Amy: Okay.
Bernadette: But no one told me she was in a horrible car accident over the weekend and what I was signing was not a retirement card but was actually a get well card.
Penny: I’m liking my odds here.
Bernadette: So on the card, in the hospital, next to the woman who’s clinging to life are the words, “Hey, Vivian. You deserve this. And at least with you gone, no one will steal my yoghurt out of the fridge.”
Penny: No.
Bernadette: “LOL.” Smiley face.
Amy: Oh, my gosh.
Bernadette: “P.S. Good luck wherever you wind up.”
Penny: Oh. Why didn’t I put money on this? (Phone rings) Hey, that’s my agent. If I got the part, it’s still the second best thing I’ve heard all day. Hello?
Bernadette: Am I a terrible person?
Amy: No. No, it was a mistake.
Bernadette: Am I a terrible person that it crossed my mind that she might die and never see the card?
Amy: Now I think you’re flirting with the line. Good news?
Penny: No, I didn’t get it.
Bernadette: I’m so sorry.
Amy: You’ll get offered something soon.
Penny: I kind of did. The part in that awful horror movie I passed on came back around. Apparently, it’s mine if I want it.
Bernadette: Are you gonna take it?
Penny: I don’t know what to do.
Amy: Maybe you’ll get hit by a car and die. LOL, right?
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Hey. Emily, right?
Emily: Yeah.
Raj: I, I don’t know if you remember me.
Emily: From the dating Web site. Your friend e-mailed me because you were afraid to, then you tracked me down and acted like a lunatic?
Raj: Yes, Rajesh Koothrappali. Look, uh, I just, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Okay? You were, like, the coolest person I ever found online, and I got really nervous and I, I just blew it.
Emily: Uh, don’t worry about it. And if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the weirdest guy I’ve met off the Internet.
Raj: Well, give me a chance, you don’t even know me.
Emily: All right, here’s your chance.
Raj: Ah, really? Thank you. Fate has given me a rare second chance, and I swear to Vishnu I’m not gonna blow it. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: So, first there was PlayStation, aka PS1, then PS2, PS3 and now PS4. And that makes sense. You’d think after Xbox, there’d be Xbox 2. But no, next came Xbox 360. Hmm? And now, after 360, comes Xbox One. Why one? Maybe that’s how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.
Amy: Can you get the butter, please?
Sheldon: You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.
Amy: Then get the other one. Pass the butter.
Sheldon: Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.
Amy: Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention.
Sheldon: Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.
Amy: No way.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.
Amy: Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat.
Sheldon: No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.
Amy: Included?
Sheldon: Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.
Amy: Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts?
Sheldon: See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.
Amy: Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Who’s they?
Sheldon: Xbox.
Amy: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: No, I am not. And this ESRAM buffer should totally bridge the 100-gigabit-per-second bandwidth gap between the two RAM types.
Amy: This is a nightmare. How will you ever make a decision?
Sheldon You see? I don’t know. What should I do?
Amy: Please pass the butter!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, it’s not me, right? This script is terrible.
Leonard: Yeah. I had higher hopes for a movie called Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill. You know, it’s still possible for you to be good in a bad movie.
Penny: Okay. (Reading) Sometimes I feel like I can control the killer gorilla instinct inside of me, but then I see these bananas and I just want to eat them and then kill people. What am I gonna do?
Leonard: Well, for starters, I wouldn’t eat the bananas.
Penny: No, come on. This is serious.
Leonard: Uh, uh, does it at least pay well?
Penny: Less than I was making at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: What does your agent think?
Penny: She’s thinking of taking a job at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: You know what, why don’t you just do it? You’ll go have fun for a few weeks, make some money, and who knows what it might lead to?
Penny: Okay, look, here, page 58. I oil-wrestle an orang-utan in a bikini.
Leonard: Just to clarify, which one of you is wearing the bikini?
Penny: Both of us.
Leonard: So it’s a family film.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Thank you again for dinner.
Amy: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: Good night.
Amy: Uh, it’s date night. Aren’t you, uh, forgetting something?
Sheldon: Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Well, they do.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: And then after coffee, we went for a walk and she told me she always thought people from India were exotic and mysterious. So, with my mouth, I said, we’re just like anybody else, but with my eyes, I said, straight up, Red, hop on my flying carpet.
Leonard: So, are you gonna see her again?
Raj: Yeah, we have plans this weekend. And if it’s a clear night, I’m gonna lay some romantic astronomy on her.
Penny: Okay, like what? Show me.
Raj: I can’t do that to Leonard. This is some powerful panty-dropping stuff.
Leonard: You have my blessing. Go for it.
Raj: Okay. Penny, two of the brightest stars in the night sky are Altair and Vega. And it is said they were deeply in love but forever separated by the celestial river of the Milky Way.
Penny: Oh, that’s sad.
Raj: It is. But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard: Okay, that’s enough.
Sheldon: Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: PS4.
Sheldon: Wolowitz?
Howard: Both great.
Sheldon: Bernadette?
Bernadette: I like the Wii.
Sheldon: Thanks, Grandma.
Raj: Oh, my goodness.
Leonard: What’s up?
Raj: I just got an e-mail from my ex-girlfriend Lucy. She misses me and wants to get together.
Leonard: Two women at the same time? Nice job, playa.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Was it the two women thing or the playa? It was the playa.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to choose between Emily and Lucy?
Howard: Why do you have to choose? Date both of them.
Raj: I can’t date two women at once. Zero women, that’s my sweet spot.
Penny: Unless you’re sleeping with one of them, seeing other people isn’t a big deal.
Raj: But what if one of them asks me what I was up to the night before and I was with the other one? Then, what, do I lie?
Howard and Bernadette (together): Yes.
Bernadette: What do you mean, yes?
Howard: What do you mean, yes?
Bernadette: Were you seeing other women when we started dating?
Howard: No. Were you seeing other men?
Bernadette: No.
Leonard: Were you seeing other men?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Aren’t you gonna ask me?
Penny: Come on, really?
Scene: A coffee shop.
Leonard: Thank you so much for letting us pick your brain.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, happy to help. So, what’s going on?
Penny: Well, I’m having an impossible time getting my career off the ground, and I got offered a role in this crappy horror movie, and I just don’t know if I should take it.
Wil: Well, I have certainly taken some jobs that I’ve been embarrassed by.
Penny: I wouldn’t exactly call Star Trek embarrassing.
Wil: I wasn’t.
Penny: Me, either.
Leonard: So, what do you think, is there a professional downside to doing it?
Wil: Well, it’s tricky. You want to take projects that you’re excited about, but sometimes you also have to pay the bills. When you’re on the set working on something that you just know in your heart is bad, not Star Trek.
Penny: Yeah, beam me up. I love it.
Wil: Anyway, those jobs can be soul-crushing.
Penny: That’s what I’m afraid of.
Wil: So, I was in Stand By Me when I was a kid, and it was a huge success. The terrible movies I did came after that. I mean, imagine how that feels.
Leonard: Sounds rough.
Wil: I’m telling you, this business is brutal. To this day, I hate going on auditions. Okay, I walk in, and I can just feel them thinking, he was such a cute kid, what happened to him? And then I don’t get the job, and I can never find out why. Honestly, I get so depressed, there are entire weeks that I can’t even get out of bed.
Leonard: Okay, this was helpful.
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: Any news on your co-worker who’s in the hospital?
Bernadette: Poor thing, she was in surgery for 18 hours. She’s alive, but she’s still in critical condition.
Raj: Oh, no.
Bernadette: The one bit of good news is they put her in a medically induced coma before she read the card. So, you know, silver linings.
Howard: Were you like this when I married you?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Don’t worry about it, buddy. Okay, bye. That was Wil, he’s feeling a lot better. Apparently, he’s 12-down in the TV Guide crossword puzzle.
Raj: Did he help you make a decision about the movie?
Penny: No. Did you figure out what you’re gonna do about the two girls?
Raj: As a matter of fact, I did. I’ve spent so many years living in fear, saying no to new experiences, but from now on, I’m gonna say yes, yes to love, yes to adventure, yes to life. Whatever it may be, the answer’s going to be yes.
Howard: He’s gonna die alone, right?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Yes.
Bernadette: Yes.
Scene: An electrical store.
Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.
Amy: Well, that’s got to be a good feeling.
Sheldon: Oh, it is. Although.
Amy: Oh, crap.
Sheldon: I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.
Amy: You were just a little kid.
Sheldon: Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.
Amy: How old were you then?
Sheldon: Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.
Amy: What’s a Zune?
Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.
Amy: No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research.
Sheldon: But what if I’m wrong?
Amy: You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both?
Sheldon: You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.
Amy: Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre.
Sheldon: Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?
Amy: How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.
Sheldon: Interesting.
Amy: So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll try.
Amy: What is it?
Sheldon: A quarter.
Amy: Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.
Scene: A restaurant.
Raj: You look, you look really pretty tonight.
Emily: Thanks. I love that jacket.
Raj: Thank you. Thanks, thanks. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. My, my ex-girlfriend e-mailed me, and I’m seeing her Saturday, And I’m glad you like it, it’s from J. Crew.
Emily: I don’t understand.
Raj: My friends told me it was okay to see more than one person at a time, but it, it feels like I’m being deceitful.
Emily: Are you getting back together with her?
Raj: No. I, I have no idea. What would you do?
Emily: Uh, usually on first dates, I talk about music and stuff, but I was promised weird, so let’s do this. How serious were you two?
Raj: Well, to be honest, we only went on four dates, hugged twice, kissed once, and there was a handshake loaded with sexual innuendo.
Emily: Wait, so, a girl you never slept with sent you an e-mail and you felt so guilty about it that you had to tell me?
Raj: Yeah.
Emily: That’s kind of adorable.
Raj: Are you, are you sure? Because this is the part of the night where I’ve said something stupid and the girl usually leaves.
Emily: I’m still here.
Raj: Yeah, but now you make me wonder what’s wrong with you.
Emily: We just met. You don’t need to tell me about other people you’re seeing.
Raj: Really? Because I’m dating two women is basically the only cool thing I can say about myself.
Scene: The electrical store.
Sheldon: On the one hand, the Xbox One has a better camera, but the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?
Amy: I can’t feel my legs.
Store assistant: Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago.
Sheldon: But I haven’t decided yet.
Store assistant: You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.
Amy: Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: What-what do you want, like, Thai food? A burger?
Sheldon: I don’t know. Hey, look, a quarter.
Scene: A film set. Penny is being fitted with gorilla hands.
Costume guy: How’s that feel?
Penny: Great. Not like regret at all.
Wil: Penny? We’re working together. Awesome.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: I got to tell you, the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discovery, the more excited I get.
Raj: I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.
Howard: Only without the sex.
Raj: Yeah, literally, none of it.
Leonard: What do you think about it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Meh.
Raj: Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this?
Sheldon: Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?
Leonard: Oh, my God, you’re jealous.
Sheldon: Why would I be jealous?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.
Barry: Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.
Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?
Barry: No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything.
Sheldon: Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.
Barry: Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water.
Sheldon: Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?
Howard: Maybe. But how great is Game of Thrones?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, you’re up early.
Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep.
Penny: I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea.
Sheldon: No, that’s not it.
Penny: Is something bothering you?
Sheldon: Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.
Penny: Oh, come on, try me.
Sheldon: All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.
Penny: Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.
Sheldon: You mean your acting career?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college?
Penny: No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want.
Sheldon: I said Leonard, you said no.
Penny: I’m talking about other guys.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, what do you do?
Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away.
Sheldon: I don’t know if I can do that.
Penny: I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.
Leonard: Penny, have you seen my good inhaler?
Sheldon: Break it off, shake hands, walk away.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Hey, how’s dating two women going?
Raj: Um, kind of hit a bump. When I was honest and told Emily she wasn’t the only person I was seeing, it went great. So I tried the same thing with Lucy.
Howard: And?
Raj: She had mixed feelings. But when I said, Emily was cool with it. Emily’s the best. Why can’t you
be more like Emily? Those feelings became less mixed.
Leonard: Women. Who knows what’ll set ’em off?
Raj: At least now I can focus all my energies on just one girl.
Howard: I hope I get to meet her as soon as possible.
Raj: Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.
Howard: She is. But I like that attitude.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?
Raj: You’re really going to do this?
Sheldon: I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.
Howard: You’re reading Cosmo?
Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.
Howard: What’s this?
Sheldon: Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship?
Sheldon: It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.
Raj: It’s going to be okay.
Sheldon: I know. As hard as this is, I have to move on. I can’t keep postulating multidimensional entities and get nothing in return. I have needs, too.
Howard: So, you and Emily still together?
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: I spoke to Bernadette. She’s free tomorrow night.
Raj: Oh, okay, great. But if we’re really gonna do a double date, then we have to go over some ground rules about Emily.
Howard: Like when it turns out she’s made of rubber, I don’t say anything?
Raj: She’s very real.
Howard: Oh, that’s what it says on the box. Right next to dishwasher safe.
Raj: See? This is exactly the kind of thing I’m worried about you saying in front of her.
Howard: I promise I’ll be on my best behaviour.
Raj: You better be. No jokes about how close I am with my dog. Or the truth about how close I am with my dog.
Howard: You got it.
Raj: No jokes about the year I took ballet.
Howard: You took ballet?
Raj: God, you never listen.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Are you sure you want to do this?
Sheldon: The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
Leonard: What about your old look, well-groomed ventriloquist doll?
Penny (treating Sheldon as a ventriloquist doll): Oh my God, I do look like that.
Sheldon: You stop it.
Penny: So, how do you want me to cut it?
Sheldon: Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?
Leonard: So, business in the front, science in the back.
Penny: Or I don’t cut it and maybe just style it a little.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS.
Penny: Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?
Leonard: That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue?
Sheldon: Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.
Penny: Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it.
Sheldon: Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.
Penny: Okay, what do you think?
Sheldon: Have you ever even seen a picture of Tesla?
Leonard: It actually looks good, Sheldon.
Penny: Doesn’t it?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.
Amy: Sorry I’m late. What did you do?
Penny: I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?
Amy: Yeah, it’s cute. That’s the problem. I don’t need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.
Sheldon: She’s right. I’m too hot.
Scene: A restaurant.
Bernadette: I’m excited to meet Emily.
Howard: Me, too. I just hope he doesn’t blow it.
Bernadette: Why would you say that?
Howard: Because he’s Raj, that’s his thing. Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it. Look, I don’t want it to happen, but odds are he’s gonna find a way to… Oh, crap, I know that girl.
Bernadette: How?
Howard: In a bad way, very bad.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Howard: Whatever you hear tonight, just remember I love you. Hey.
Raj: Emily, these are my good friends, Howard and Bernadette. Guys, this is Emily.
Emily: Nice to meet you.
Bernadette: Hi.
Emily: Have we met before?
Howard: Uh, no. I, I don’t, I don’t think so.
Emily: You sure? You look familiar.
Howard: Well, you sure don’t. You I know, you I know, you? Total stranger. Even if you had yummy candy, I would not get in your van.
Emily: Did you go to that spin class on Green Street?
Howard: That must be it.
Raj: Since when do you go to spin class?
Howard: Wow. Now who doesn’t listen?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?
Penny: Wait. What’s wrong with geology?
Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.
Sheldon: Have you considered studying standard model physics?
Sheldon: You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?
Penny: Like you could get a brown bear.
Leonard: Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.
Amy: Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.
Leonard: What about loop quantum gravity?
Sheldon: Oh, Duchess, look at me. My quantum gravity’s positively loopy.
Penny: Who’s the duchess?
Leonard: One of the people that lives in his head.
Amy: I hope he’s this distraught if he ever breaks up with me.
Leonard: Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.
Penny: Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you.
Sheldon: That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.
Amy: How does that happen?
Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.
Penny: Okay, how about we toast your newfound freedom?
Sheldon: Ah, normally I refrain from alcohol, but since my cerebral cortex is twiddling its proverbial thumbs, why not soak it in grape juice that’s been predigested by a fungus?
Penny: And you wonder why other children beat you with books. Cheers!
Scene: The restaurant.
Bernadette: Emily, what do you do?
Emily: I’m a dermatology resident at Huntington Hospital.
Raj: Mmm, and you know what that means. Someone’s skin’s about to be softer than ever.
Emily: This is making me crazy. I know I know you from somewhere.
Raj: Oh, uh, Howard was an astronaut. Maybe that’s where you saw him.
Emily: Wow. That’s amazing. What was that like?
Howard: It was the most incredible experience of my life. Up there in the space station, you’re…
Emily: Oh, my God, I remember.
Howard: Can I finish my astronaut story?
Emily: It was four years ago.
Howard: Please don’t say it.
Emily: We were set up on a blind date.
Howard: Please don’t say it.
Emily: You came to my apartment.
Howard: You’re saying it.
Raj: Wh, what happened?
Bernadette: Yeah, what happened?
Howard: Okay, I’ll say it. I was on the way to pick her up. My stomach felt a little funny. When I got there, I asked if I could use her bathroom.
Bernadette: Please don’t say it.
Howard: One roll of toilet paper and 20 minutes later, I was so humiliated, I snuck out the window and never saw her again.
Emily: You know what else I never saw again, my security deposit.
Howard: I’m sorry. I tried to unclog it, but you didn’t have a plunger, and water was spilling out everywhere.
Emily: Right, just water.
Howard: Look, I have felt terrible about this for years, and I’m glad I have the opportunity to tell you just how sorry I am.
Emily: It’s fine. All my friends love this story. They call you Clogzilla.
Raj: Get it? Because you clogged up her bathroom like a radioactive monster!
Howard: Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Well, hey, it’s not like cotton candy comes out of you.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Come on, let’s get you to bed. You’ve had a lot to drink.
Sheldon: No more than Penny.
Amy: That’s what I’m saying.
Sheldon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. If somebody says come in, I’m gonna freak out.
Scene: The restaurant.
Bernadette: So, Emily, why did you decide to specialize in dermatology?
Emily: I like cutting people with knives, and all the other jobs where you get to do that are illegal.
Bernadette: You’re kidding, right?
Raj: She’s scary, but it’s a cute scary.
Howard: Can I say just one more thing? I had some kind of food poisoning that day. Sure, in retrospect, gas station sushi, maybe not the best choice. Nor was climbing out your window and running away. But I think we can all understand how humiliating that was, and I’d really appreciate it if we could move on.
Bernadette: Howie, we moved on a long time ago.
Howard: I’m just saying…
Bernadette: We moved on.
Howard: Okay. Fine.
Bernadette: How’s your soup?
Howard: Ah, it’s all right. They could’ve filled the bowl a little more. Excuse me.
Bernadette: Where are you going?
Howard: I need some fresh air.
Emily: Been there.
Scene: Sheldon, waking up in bed next to a Geology book.
Sheldon: Oh, no. What have I done?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: How you feeling?
Sheldon: Not so good.
Leonard: Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?
Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.
Leonard: I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?
Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.
Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.
Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.
Answerphone: First new message.
Sheldon (voice): Hawkman. It’s your old buddy Sheldonoscopy. How come you didn’t pick up the phone? Oh, right. My bad.
Scene: The cafeteria..
Howard: You’re awful quiet. Everything okay?
Sheldon: Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening.
Howard: Ugh. Me, too. What happened?
Sheldon: I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.
Howard: I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour.
Sheldon: Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?
Howard: Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.
Sheldon: Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass.
Barry: Hey, Cooper. I heard you dwunk-dialed Stephen Hawking last night? Classic.
Howard: Get out of here, Barry.
Barry: Whatever you say, Cwogziwwa.
Sheldon: Clogzilla. That’s pretty funny. I don’t think that’s gonna pass.
Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): It’s me again. I gave up string theory. You should give up black holes, and we can totally solve crimes together.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Do you know what’s great? Geology. Oh. Look at this geode. That’s fun to say. Gee-ode. Gee-ode.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Gee-ode. Gee-ode. I kiss girls now.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Hey, guess who I am. Beep bop boop bop. I’m you. Get it?
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Are you mad at me? Oh, no, you’re mad at me. I’m so sorry. Beep bop boop bop.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Thiospinel sulfide. Thiospinel sulfide. That’s even more fun than gee-ode. Hey, did you see The Lego Movie?
Stephen Hawking: What a jackass.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, we’re about to shoot this scene in the movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they’re gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it’s important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard: It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story.
Penny: Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.
Sheldon: Leonard, I could use your assistance.
Leonard: Sure. What’s up?
Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?
Leonard: Huh, well, I think there’s some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter.
Sheldon: That’s helpful. Okay. Of these four areas…
Penny: Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend?
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?
Sheldon: It is just so frustrating.
Penny: ‘Cause you’re trying too hard. You need to do something else, get your mind off it.
Leonard: Hey. How about we bring back Anything Can Happen Thursdays?
Penny: Hey, that’s good. Why’d you guys stop doing that?
Leonard: You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.
Penny: Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say?
Sheldon: All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Leonard: Great, what do you want to do?
Sheldon: I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Penny: I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Leonard: I’m starting to remember the problem with Anything Can Happen Thursdays.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hmm, what can we do that’s fun?
Leonard: What can we do that’s different?
Penny: What can we do that’s free?
Sheldon: Oh, got it. We order a pizza.
Penny: Are you kidding? That’s what you always do. Think harder.
Sheldon: You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings.
Penny: Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea.
Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant.
Sheldon: Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right.
Leonard: Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?
Penny: No. Bernadette’s working late.
Sheldon: Amy’s sick.
Leonard: Aw. What’s wrong with her?
Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.
Leonard: That’s not what I meant.
Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?
Leonard: What ails her?
Sheldon: Oh. Who knows?
Penny: Come on, anything can happen. We can push him down the stairs.
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Howard: Hey. Thanks for coming to hang out.
Raj: No problem. How’s your mom feeling?
Howard: Okay, but she’d feel better if she took her medicine.
Raj: You know, when Cinnamon won’t take her medicine, I hide it in a piece of cheese.
Howard: Good idea. We can wrap the pill in cheese, feed it to Cinnamon, and then my mom can eat Cinnamon. So what do you feel like doing?
Raj: I was thinking we could watch a DVD.
Howard: Well, my mom doesn’t have a lot to choose from. Unless you want to watch the video of her colonoscopy. Spoiler alert, 20 minutes in they find a prune pit.
Raj: Actually, how do you feel about watching House of 1000 Corpses?
Howard: A straight-up gore-fest? You hate this stuff.
Raj: I do, but for some reason, Emily loves it and wants to watch it with me tomorrow, so I thought if I start with you first, then I could act cool about it with her.
Howard: That’s actually not a bad plan. I can sit through the colonoscopy now, but that first time I was like, oh my God, a prune pit.
Raj: Uh, so, you’ll watch it?
Howard: Sure.
Raj: You’re a good friend. I owe you one.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Help me get out of the tub.
Raj: Not that one.
Scene: The street.
Sheldon: So, we’re just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.
Leonard: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?
Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.
Penny: What the hell? What? She’s not working late.
Sheldon: And Amy doesn’t look sick.
Penny: Why would they lie to us?
Sheldon: That’s a good question. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. Why did you lie to us?
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Raj: Hey. Listen to this. Murder, cannibalism and satanic rituals are just a few of the thousand plus horrors that await.
Howard: I just helped my mom out of the tub, so, I’m one slippery horror ahead of you.
Raj: You’re a good son. I don’t know how you do it.
Howard: Beach blankets, my friend, it’s all about beach blankets.
Raj: All right, let’s get this over with. Ew, it’s got someone’s hair on it.
Howard: Oh, yeah, you’re gonna do great with this movie.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: You’re not working late. Why did you lie to me?
Sheldon: And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always.
Amy: I’m sorry, I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.
Bernadette: We kind of just wanted one night where we didn’t have to hear about how miserable you are making this movie.
Amy: But none of that means we don’t love you.
Penny: I haven’t been complaining that much about the movie. Have I?
Leonard: I also love you.
Penny: Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Where are we going?
Penny: We’re gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you’re gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I’m gonna complain about my movie, and we’re gonna support each other because that’s what friends do.
Sheldon: Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because…
Penny: Shut up.
Scene: A restaurant. Sheldon makes an “unsure” noise.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.
Penny: It’s fusion.
Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.
Penny: Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie?
Sheldon: Not at all.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.
Penny: Hey, I don’t understand why you’re not upset with Amy.
Sheldon: I am. So much so that I’m gonna bring her here for dinner on our next date night.
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Raj: Okay. So, in the last 20 minutes, we’ve seen a crazy woman kissing a fetus in a jar. We’ve seen a guy cut in half and sewn to a fish.
Howard: And the brutal dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother.
Raj: On the bright side, she didn’t even notice the pill. Why does Emily like this stuff? Do you think there’s something psychologically wrong with her?
Howard: What difference does it make?
Raj: What do you mean?
Howard: Oh, come on, she could have a freezer full of ex-boyfriend’s body parts and you’d still go out with her.
Raj: I do like that the ex-boyfriend’s out of the picture.
Scene: The bar.
Amy: I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I gonna make it up to him?
Bernadette: I’d tell you what I do with Howard, but I don’t think dressing up like a Catholic schoolgirl is gonna work with Sheldon.
Leonard: He’d probably give you homework.
Amy: Did you lie to Howard about tonight?
Bernadette: Of course.
Amy: And you don’t feel guilty about it?
Bernadette: Between Penny’s gorilla movie and Howard’s gorilla mother, I had no choice.
Leonard: Thankfully Penny and I have a relationship based on honesty. What? I don’t lie to her.
Bernadette: Oh, we know you don’t lie to her.
Scene: The restaurant.
Penny: Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these.
Sheldon: Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.
Penny: Come on, open it. I bet it says something great.
Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.
Penny: Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one.
Sheldon: No, it’s not.
Penny: How is that not good?
Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.
Penny: Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours.
Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money. Read.
Sheldon: Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you.
Penny: Oh, try again.
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Howard: Let me get this straight. So, he kills this girl’s father, cuts off the guy’s face, and is wearing it as a mask while he makes out with her.
Raj: I’m just gonna say it. That’s not okay. Why can’t I be in a relationship with a girl who likes The Sound of Music?
Howard: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes The Sound of Music. (Phone rings) Hey, Penny. What’s up? No, Bernie’s working late. Really? Thanks for telling me.
Raj: What?
Howard: I’m having sex with a Catholic schoolgirl tonight.
Scene: The street. Outside a psychic’s shop.
Penny: Oh, I think I see our next stop.
Sheldon: You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.
Penny: No, come on, tonight we are trying new things.
Sheldon: Oh. That’s a lot of incense. Or someone set a hippie on fire.
Scene: Outside the bar.
Bernadette (on phone): Yeah, honey, I’m still stuck at work. Really? Penny said that? Okay, it’s true. I’m sorry. I’ll see you at home. Yeah, yeah, I’ll put it on.
Leonard: You and I never just hang out like this. Why is that?
Amy: I know, it’s weird, right?
Leonard: Yeah. We should do it more often.
Amy: Oh, no. I mean, this is weird right now.
Leonard: (Phone text sound) Ah, it’s Penny.
Amy: Is she still mad?
Leonard: Oh, doesn’t seem like it. She got Sheldon to go to a psychic with her.
Amy: A psychic? He considers them not just mumbo jumbo, but extra-jumbo mumbo jumbo.
Leonard: Well, Penny can be very persuasive. She’s gotten me to do a lot of things I wouldn’t normally do.
Amy: Because she has sex with you.
Leonard: Yeah, she does.
Amy: Can I confess something? Once in a while, I get a little jealous of how close Penny and Sheldon are.
Leonard: Really?
Amy: I mean, not in a romantic way. It’s just, she really has some sort of connection with him.
Leonard: Well, well they’ve known each other a long time, and Penny grew up around horses, so she knows how to approach him without making him skittish.
Amy: Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they’re friends. I just wish he’d be that comfortable around me already.
Leonard: Well, it took him a long time to get comfortable around me, too.
Amy: Really? What did you do?
Leonard: Something terrible in a former life? I don’t know.
Bernadette: I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she’s getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.
Scene: The psychic shop.
Sheldon: I don’t mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I’d just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you’re a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence.
Penny: All right, Sheldon, just ask your question.
Sheldon: Okay, I just did. What was it?
Penny: Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.
Sheldon: For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.
Penny: Okay, I can answer that one, I’ll be bored.
Psychic: All right, why don’t we begin? Your spirit guides are telling me that there’s a woman in your life you’re having problems with.
Sheldon: That’s an easy guess. I’m clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Psychic: Yes, you clearly are. But I’m seeing a specific woman that you’re in a romantic relationship with.
Penny: Oh, oh, here we go.
Psychic: Does she have dark hair?
Penny: Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on fire.
Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.
Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon: Ha. The opposite. She’s a neurobiologist, and I’m a theoretical physicist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.
Psychic: They’re telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.
Penny: Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?
Psychic: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus.
Penny: Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.
Psychic: Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her.
Sheldon: You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it’s truly deserved. This is malarkey.
Penny: Wow, you really struck a nerve. I’ve never heard him use the M word before.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Here we go, House of a 1,000 Corpses.
Emily: Now, just so you know, I was a nanny for three years, so if you get scared, I can totally change your diaper.
Raj: Actually, I have to tell you something. These kind of movies really aren’t my thing, so, last night, I watched it just to see what I was getting myself into.
Emily: Okay.
Raj: And I have to be honest, I thought it was disturbing and weird, and it made me wonder what it says about someone who enjoys it.
Emily: I wonder that, too.
Raj: Then, why do you watch these things?
Emily: Can I tell you something without you judging me?
Raj: Sure.
Emily: They kind of turn me on.
Raj: And play.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello. I didn’t expect you this evening.
Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I wanted to make it up to you.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? (Amy takes off coat and is dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl) Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don’t know where you’re going with this.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching. We should finalize our plans.
Penny: What? That’s a real thing? What is it, Star Wars Christmas?
Howard: No. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s Wookiee Life Day.
Penny: So, when is it?
Leonard: Uh, well, it’s not May the fifth, and it’s not May the third. It’s May the fourth.
Sheldon: Get it?
Raj: May the fourth be with you?
Leonard: May the force be with you. Get it?
Penny: Oh, no. This face wasn’t because I didn’t get it.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door.
Sheldon: Come in.
Leonard: Hey, you got a second?
Sheldon: Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve got some bad news.
Sheldon: What is it?
Leonard: I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away.
Sheldon: Professor Proton is dead?
Leonard: Sorry, buddy.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Comforting you?
Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.
Leonard: Anyway, the, the funeral’s on Sunday.
Sheldon: But, that’s Star Wars Day.
Leonard: Yeah, um, of all the things about this that are sad, that might not be number one. You okay? I know he meant a lot to you.
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Leonard: Okay. Yet he cried when they changed the Raisin Bran box.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Professor Proton (on youtube): This, uh, this is something interesting boys and girls. After an owl eats, he spits up part of his meal that he can’t digest, in the form of a pellet. Is, isn’t that a hoot? We’ll be right back after I fire my writers. (Owl hoots) Oh, shut up.
Amy: Watching your old friend?
Sheldon: Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.
Amy: Do you want me to go to the funeral with you?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.
Amy: Are you sure you don’t want to go say good-bye?
Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.
Amy: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you’ve seen hundreds of times isn’t?
Sheldon: If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, guys.
Raj: Hey, Penny. Happy Star Wars Day.
Penny: Okay.
Raj: Can I make you breakfast? Admiral Ackbar’s Snack Bar is open for business.
Penny: No, thanks. Leonard and I are just going to the funeral.
Howard: You sure. Not even coffee? We have R2-Decaf. Maybe a nice Cafe Au Leia?
Raj: And if you’re not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO.
Penny: Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me?
Raj: Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything?
Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you.
Howard: You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting?
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Penny: Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral?
Sheldon: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?
Penny: No, he blew up the Death Star. Why do I know this?
Sheldon: Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I’m sure he didn’t care about silly superstitions like funerals. You know, if he were here, I think he’d say enjoy Star Wars Day.
Leonard: He was 84, he’d say where’s my pudding?
Raj: Before you go, at least let me pack you some Attack of the Scones for the road.
Penny: Oh, like Attack of the Clones. We are leaving right now.
Scene: Amy”s apartment.
Amy: Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon than he’s ready to admit. Really hoping this will cheer him up.
Bernadette: Me, too. Although, it might’ve been thoughtless of us to bake a Death Star cake.
Amy: No, it combines two of Sheldon’s favorite things, chocolate chips and the ability to destroy a planet at the push of a button.
Bernadette: Well, anyway, it’ll be a nice surprise for the boys. And Howie doesn’t think I take his interests seriously, so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while.
Amy: Okay, let’s get the fondant and start decorating.
Bernadette: This is pretty cool. You don’t see too many spherical cakes.
Amy: I wonder why that is.
Scene: The funeral.
Penny: I have a confession to make.
Leonard: Hmm?
Penny: I’ve never been to a funeral before.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: I just never knew anyone that died. I had a pet pig when I was a kid. I mean, when he died, we didn’t have a funeral, we had a barbecue.
Leonard: Yeah, we won’t be eating Arthur tonight.
Penny: I didn’t know him very well, but I still really liked him. It’s weird that he’s just gone.
Leonard: I know.
Penny: I feel like I want to cry.
Leonard: Oh that’s, that’s fine. Go ahead.
Penny: I can’t do it with you staring at me.
Leonard: Sorry.
Penny: No, I’m dry. You’re a big crybaby, you start, I’ll join in.
Leonard: I am not a crybaby.
Penny: Toy Story 3?
Leonard: The toys were holding hands in a furnace. Look, Arthur lived a full life. And he inspired a lot of people. Sure, he, he was my childhood hero, but the fact that I got to work with him, side by side, before he died was, it was, it was a gift.
Penny: It was a gift. Thank you for being the emotional one in this relationship.
Leonard: I got your back.
Penny: Yeah.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
Raj: Ugh, let’s get this over with.
Howard: Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time.
Sheldon: Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it.
Raj: You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.
Howard: Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters.
Sheldon: Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?
Raj: It was just a suggestion.
Sheldon: Well, you know what else was just a suggestion? Why don’t we change the Raisin Bran box? Hmm? And you know who got hurt by that? Every single person who eats breakfast.
Raj: Wow.
Howard: I think he’s taking this Professor Proton thing pretty hard.
Raj: Should we try to console him?
Howard: Or should we respect his privacy in this moment of grief?
Raj: By staying here and watching the movie.
Howard: That’s what good friends would do.
Scene: Later.
Howard: Well, at least without Sheldon here, we got to start with Episode IV.
Raj: Mm, true. I do feel guilty about him.
Howard: Me, too.
Raj: Maybe we should see how he’s doing.
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: But after the cantina scene.
Howard: Obviously.
Scene: Sheldon, dreaming he is in the living room of the apartment on his laptop.
Sheldon: Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I’ll never hear that laugh again.
Arthur: You never heard it that time.
Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead.
Arthur: I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Arthur: I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife.
Sheldon: I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.
Arthur: I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet?
Sheldon: Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.
Arthur: Well, that, that clears that up.
Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.
Arthur: Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back.
Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.
Arthur: Oh, wait. What, what, what is, what is this?
Sheldon: Be careful with that.
Arthur: Oh. Oh. Oh, neato. I’m, uh, I’m going to need a Band-Aid.
Scene: The funeral.
Leonard: So, what did you think of your first funeral?
Penny: Well, I don’t want to be a jerk, but it was kind of a bummer.
Leonard: Yeah, well, when I die, you can rent a bounce house.
Penny: You think about dying?
Leonard: Mm. Well, I think more about if I’d have any regrets.
Penny: What would you regret?
Leonard: Mm, you know, that I didn’t travel more, take more risks, learn another language.
Penny: You know Klingon.
Leonard: That’s true.
Penny: No, I meant that as a regret.
Leonard: I just thought of one more.
Penny: What’s that?
Leonard: I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you.
Penny: Well, it just wasn’t the right time.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: And this is also not the right time. Do not propose.
Leonard: What?
Penny: I know that face. That’s your propose face.
Leonard: I was not gonna propose. It’s already two to one.
Penny: What’s two to one?
Leonard: I proposed twice, you proposed once. Two to one.
Penny: Oh, my. It’s not a contest.
Leonard: I don’t know what you’re upset about. I’m the one who’s losing.
Penny: Okay. Fine. Would you feel better if I propose so you could turn me down again?
Leonard: Yeah, I think I would.
Penny: Okay. Leonard, will you marry me?
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: No, don’t you dare. You reject me right now and tie things up.
Leonard: It’s just such a big decision. I don’t want to have any regrets.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Did you ever watch Professor Proton when you were a kid?
Bernadette: No. My dad controlled the TV, so unless someone was a Texas Ranger, Jake or the Fatman, we didn’t see it.
Amy: I never watched him, either, but he seems to be the reason that Sheldon got interested in science.
Bernadette: Not me. I got into science ’cause I was always the smallest kid in school, so I thought if I became a scientist, I could invent a formula that made me taller.
Amy: That’s cute.
Bernadette: Yeah, I thought it was working for a while, but then I found out my brother was just lowering the pencil marks on the door frame. How about you?
Amy: Oh, I guess it must have been back when I was in the Girl Sprouts.
Bernadette: Girl Sprouts?
Amy: My mom made it up as an alternative to the Girl Scouts. She didn’t want me selling cookies on some street corner like a whore.
Bernadette: How did that get you into science?
Amy: Oh, I went to the library and took out a book on biology to see what whores did.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: On the one hand, if I say yes…
Penny: This isn’t funny anymore. Just say no so we’re done with this. Will you marry me or not?
Leonard: Ooh, interesting. Did you just propose to me again?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Really? Because I just heard will you marry me? That’s two proposals, one day. Sounds like someone wants to spend the rest of her life telling people how to spell the name Hofstadter.
Penny: You know what? Fine. Do whatever you want.
Leonard: Hey. Penny, don’t get upset. Here. I love you, but, no, I will not marry you.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Now, about that second proposal. On the one hand…
Scene: Sheldon’s dream.
Arthur: Where, where, where are we?
Sheldon: This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.
Arthur: Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida.
Sheldon: When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?
Arthur: Um, always, get, get a prenup.
Sheldon: That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.
Arthur: Well, why, why do you think I’m here?
Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.
Arthur: Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you?
Sheldon: Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.
Arthur: Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too.
Sheldon: Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.
Arthur: I’m, I’m sorry about that.
Sheldon: And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.
Arthur: Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you.
Sheldon: But I do appreciate them.
Arthur: Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)
Leonard: Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right?
Sheldon: I’m okay. How was the funeral?
Leonard: It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch?
Sheldon: I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.
Leonard: Sheldon, that, that’ll take us all night.
Sheldon: That’s true. Oh, it’s a good thing I had a nap.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Boy, some of the physical comedy with Jar Jar is a little tough to watch.
Leonard: At least they toned him down in the second one.
Penny: Yeah, he is pretty stupid.
Raj: Hey, we can say it. You can’t.
Amy: Hey, guys.
Bernadette: Happy Star Wars Day.
Sheldon: Wow. A Death Star cake.
Amy: Yeah. We were hoping it might cheer you up.
Bernadette: And even though it meant we had to miss the movies, we could still be part of the fun.
Howard: Well, you didn’t miss anything. We just started over.
Bernadette: Son of a bitch.
Scene: The same, everyone is falling asleep.
Sheldon: You’re back.
Arthur: Yeah, apparently, um, I’m here whenever, when, whenever you need me.
Sheldon: That’s nice.
Arthur: May, maybe for you.
Sheldon: Why do I need you now?
Arthur: Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars.
Sheldon: So?
Arthur: I mean, don’t, don’t you see a problem there? I mean, how, how you’re spending your limited time on Earth?
Sheldon: Not at all.
Arthur: Okay, good luck to you.
Scene: The upstairs landing of Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: Almost there. You’re doing great.
Howard: Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box.
Raj: Please hurry.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don’t need a treadmill.
Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I get plenty of exercise.
Howard: Crushing my will to live isn’t exercise.
Raj: If she isn’t gonna use it, then why are we doing this?
Howard: She’ll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham.
Raj: All right. Now what?
Bernadette: We set it up in Howie’s old room.
Raj: Do you know how to set it up?
Howard: Please, I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle… Ma, look out.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Aaaaah! I told you this thing would kill me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: So she’s gonna be laid up for at least six weeks.
Leonard: Poor Mrs. Wolowitz.
Amy: Should we do something for her?
Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.
Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, how were things on the set?
Penny: Uh, pretty good, actually.
Raj: So the movie’s not as bad as you thought?
Penny: Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I’m just gonna go in every day and give it my all.
Amy: Good for you.
Penny: Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.
Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat.
Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.
Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I know.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: Okay, she’s all settled in the guest room.
Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard: You mean a forklift?
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with this right now.
Bernadette: Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that?
Howard: Bernie, she’s gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet?
Bernadette: I would do it for my mother.
Howard: Yeah, of course you would, you’re a loving person. I’m what my people would call a putz.
Bernadette: Look, I’m not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have?
Howard: We get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who’s used to suffering and unpleasant smells.
Bernadette: You’d hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That’s so cruel.
Howard: Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I need to tinkle.
Howard: Sounds like a job for a loving person. Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
Bernadette: You are a putz.
Howard: As advertised.
Scene: A cinema.
Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.
Raj: Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses?
Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
Raj: Is that a real thing?
Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out.
Raj: Emily, Hey.
Emily: Oh, hey, Raj.
Raj: Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?
Emily: Um, you know what? I better go. My movie’s about to start.
Raj: Are you here alone?
Emily: No, not really.
Raj: What do you mean, not really?
Man: Hey, should we get our seats?
Emily: Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.
Raj: Yeah, okay.
Sheldon: That was awkward, right?
Raj: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Good. I thought she saw something on my forehead.
Scene: The movie set.
Director: And action.
Wil Wheaton: Please don’t shut me out.
Penny: Go away. Just go away.
Wil: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla?
Wil: I was trying to save your life.
Penny: Life? What life? Look at me, I’m a monster. And now I have blood on my hands, or paws. I don’t know.
Wil: You can’t give up. I love you.
Penny: I love you, too. But I’m afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you.
Director: And cut. All right. All right, let’s set up for the next scene.
Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
Director: Let’s just move on. No one cares.
Penny: Well, I care. I mean, look, if we’re gonna do this, why not try and make it something we’re actually proud of?
Director: Look, sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, ’cause if it was a good movie, you wouldn’t be in it.
Leonard: Whoa, whoa, hang on. There’s no need to insult her.
Director: And who are you?
Leonard: I’m her boyfriend.
Director: Isn’t she too hot for you?
Leonard: A little, yeah.
Director: Well, boyfriend, get off my set.
Penny: You can’t do that. He’s with me.
Director: You know what? You can get off my set, too. You’re fired.
Penny: What? You can’t fire me. I’m the star. I’m the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster.
Director: Yeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face. So from now own, the star of the movie is whoever wears this.
Wil: Hey, if you’re gonna fire her, then you have to fire me, too.
Scene: A bar.
Wil: Wow, that fell apart really fast.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.
Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.
Raj: You don’t have to make me anything.
Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?
Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?
Raj: Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else?
Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.
Raj: But you don’t have sex with her, either.
Sheldon: Slick, huh?
Raj: To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.
Sheldon: Have you had intercourse?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Well, stick to your guns. There will be a lot of pressure.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m hungry again.
Howard: It’s like the world’s fattest cuckoo clock.
Bernadette: You know, you’re always talking about having a baby someday. This is exactly what it’s gonna be like.
Howard: No, it’s not.
Bernadette: Come on. The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling. We’re even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own.
Howard: Maybe you’re right. Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth.
Bernadette: I’m just telling you now, if we do have kids, don’t expect me to do all the work.
Howard: Hey, I’m a very paternal person. I’d be excellent at taking care of a baby.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m still hungry.
Howard: I’m coming, you big baby.
Scene: The bar.
Penny: You know, the only thing worse than doing a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is getting fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.
Wil: Forget it, man, it’s crap. You just move on to the next thing.
Penny: Yeah, well, it’s easy for you to say. You used to be famous.
Wil: Hey. I just lost a job for you.
Penny: All right, I’m sorry, you’re famous.
Wil: Penny, it’s not about being famous. It’s about the art. It’s about the passion we have for our craft. (Text message tone) I have an audition for Sharknado 2. If I book this, I am totally gonna pay you back for this beer.
Penny: God, what am I doing with my life?
Leonard: You having second thoughts about acting?
Penny: You were on set, you saw what it was like.
Leonard: Yeah, but it’s not always that bad.
Penny: Oh, really?
Leonard: What about when you did, uh, Anne Frank at that cute little theater?
Penny: It was over a bowling alley.
Leonard: Yeah, but there was ample parking.
Penny: Are you done?
Leonard: And you were so good in the TV commercial.
Penny: It was for haemorrhoid cream.
Leonard: And I got itchy and swollen just watching you.
Penny: Leonard, you are really not cheering me up.
Leonard: Come on. How can you be sad when you’re going home with all five-foot-six of this?
Penny: Hmm. You think you’re five-foot-six, that’s funny.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me?
Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night.
Raj: What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now.
Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.
Raj: What do you mean?
Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?
Raj: Eleven.
Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?
Raj: Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?
Sheldon: Sure.
Raj: I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better.
Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem?
Raj: Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.
Sheldon: I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: Howie, I’m back!
Howard: Shh, I just got her to sleep.
Bernadette: Sorry.
Howard: What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away.
Bernadette: They only had regular yoghurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes.
Howard: Then why do I smell coffee on your breath?
Bernadette: So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha.
Howard: A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen.
Bernadette: Queen? I’ve been killing myself here.
Howard: Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, I’m nice, I want to take care of people.
Bernadette: I’m glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I’m glad about? I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard.
Howard: Thanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Hey.
Emily: Thanks for letting me come over.
Raj: Of course. Please, come in.
Emily: I just wanted to say how sorry I am about tonight, and I want to make sure that we’re okay.
Raj: Uh, look, you and I haven’t made any commitments to each other.
Emily: I know. I just felt like I needed to explain. The guy I was with did my last tattoo, and he’s been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with.
Raj: It’s okay.
Emily: Really?
Raj: Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that’s my issue, not yours.
Emily: Wow. If I saw you out with another woman, I’d be pretty upset.
Raj: Thank you. Not just for being upset, but for believing that could happen.
Emily: Just so you know, I’m not seeing anyone else.
Raj: Well, me, neither.
Emily: Okay.
Raj: Okay. Please. So, uh, you, you have tattoos?
Emily: Yeah.
Raj: I don’t. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.
Emily: That’s cool.
Raj: It’s a piercing. So, uh, how many tattoos?
Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one really not on my shoulder.
Raj: It’s, uh, been a long time since I’ve seen a girl’s really not her shoulder.
Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos?
Raj: But, uh, before I take my shirt off, I just need like ten minutes to do some crunches.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Oh, my God. What a day.
Leonard: Can I get you anything?
Penny: No. I need to start making some smart decisions.
Leonard: With your career?
Penny: With my life.
Leonard: Like what?
Penny: I don’t know. We could get married.
Leonard: Come on, be serious.
Penny: I am.
Leonard: Why? Because I’m a, a smart decision?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard: So I’m like a bran muffin.
Penny: What? No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Leonard: No, it’s exactly what you’re saying. I’m the boring thing you’re choosing because I’m good for you.
Penny: What does it matter? The point is, I’m choosing you.
Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don’t want to be a bran muffin. I, I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop-Tart. Something you’re excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
Leonard: No, no. No, it’s too late. I’m your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.
Penny: You know what? Forget it. I never should’ve brought it up.
Leonard: You know I want to marry you, but you’re only doing this because you got fired and you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could have happened to me, okay? I finally realize I don’t need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Leonard: Then what do you need?
Penny: You, you stupid Pop-Tart.
Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I’m in.
Penny: Really? You guess you’re in?
Leonard: Not like, I guess I’m in. Like I guess, I’m in!
Penny: Okay. Leonard: Cool.
Leonard: So is that it? Are, are we engaged?
Penny: Yeah, I think so.
Leonard: All right.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Leonard: I’m not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help.
Penny: Where did you get a ring?
Leonard: I’ve had it for a couple years, not important. Penny, will you marry me?
Penny: Oh, my God, yes.
Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn’t have monkey hair on your finger.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: How you feeling?
Bernadette: Last night was a little rough, but I think we’re gonna get through this.
Howard: I’m proud of us.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where’s my pancakes?!
Foreign Nurse: Coming, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Bernadette: You were right.
Howard: Welcome to Team Putz.
Scene: The Apartment.
Leonard: How’s your mom holding up?
Howard: She’s doing okay, but we just lost another nurse.
Amy: How many is that now?
Howard: Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.
Bernadette: She’s just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon: So, who’s watching her now?
Howard: A bowl full of M&M’s with a few Ambien tossed in.
Raj: What up, guys?
All: Hello, hey!
Leonard: Okay. Well, now that everyone’s here, Penny and I have some big news. We’re engaged.
General cheering and congratulations.
Raj: And I thought me having sex with Emily was gonna be the big news.
General cheering and congratulations.
Leonard: Hey, hey, what the hell?
Bernadette: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You’re right! Yay!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Boy, I’m so hungry today. I wonder why?
Howard: Because you had sex the other night?
Raj: You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.
Leonard: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard: That’s a rude thing to say, out loud.
Sheldon: It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university.
Howard: You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.
Leonard: Whatever you do, just don’t make any rash decisions.
Sheldon: I don’t know. I am really aggravated.
Raj: When I’m feeling low, I have sex with a girl. But that’s just me.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: Oh, come on, give her a chance.
Nurse: No. Life, it is too short.
Bernadette: I know you’ve only been here a day and a half, but you’re like part of the family. I don’t think the service is gonna send any more people.
Howard: Yeah, maybe it’s time we just release Ma back into the sea.
Bernadette: That’s not helpful.
Howard: Well, then, we may need to get used to the idea that we’re gonna be living here the next few months.
Bernadette: But we have jobs. We can’t baby-sit her 24 hours a day.
Howard: Well, what if we use our vacation time?
Bernadette: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.
Howard: I don’t know what else we can do.
Bernadette: Howie, I love you, and as your wife, your mother is every bit as much my problem as she is yours, so, I want a divorce.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Hofstadter (on webcam): Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Hi, Mom. I have some exciting news.
Mrs Hofstadter: I’m listening.
Leonard: Before I tell you, will you promise to try and be happy for me and keep any concerns you have to yourself?
Mrs Hofstadter: No. Let me save you all of your hemming and hawing. Sheldon already told me that you and Penny are engaged.
Leonard: I hate that you talk to him more than you talk to me.
Mrs Hofstadter: Would you like for you and me to talk more?
Leonard: You know what? It’s probably fine.
Mrs Hofstadter: In any event, while I’ve had my misgivings about Penny, Sheldon spoke very fondly of her, and if she is good enough for him, then she’s good enough for me.
Leonard: I’m your son. What about the fact that she’s good enough for me?
Mrs Hofstadter: Sure.
Leonard: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your mother approved of your life choices?
Leonard: Yes, it would.
Mrs Hofstadter: Yeah. Well, you should work on that.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (on phone): No, Mom, it’s the same guy I’ve been going out with for the past two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it’s complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right, tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. All right, bye.
Amy: Atomic magnets?
Penny: Shut up.
Bernadette: Sorry I’m late. The leaf blower broke, so I had to hand-dry my mother-in-law.
Penny: You want some wine?
Bernadette: Thanks. Little warning before you jump into this marriage business. You’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying his family.
Penny: I think Leonard’s mom’s okay with me.
Bernadette: It doesn’t matter if she’s okay with you. The question is, can she go to the bathroom by herself? Hit me again.
Amy: So, what are the living arrangements gonna be?
Penny: Well, haven’t really talked about it yet, but I figure at some point, I’ll move in with him, or he’ll move in with me.
Amy: Well, with you not working, that makes financial sense.
Bernadette: You’re not working. How would you like a job in home health care?
Penny: Not a chance.
Bernadette: Please. I’m desperate.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: I’ll pay you anything you want.
Penny: Okay, then, yeah.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Penny: No, keep your money.
Bernadette: I could’ve ridden a bull longer than that.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What you working on?
Sheldon: I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.
Leonard: Oh. How’s it going?
Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.
Leonard: It’s nice that you called them esteemed.
Sheldon: You’re right. I’ll take that out.
Leonard: So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.
Sheldon: Mm.
Leonard: Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
Sheldon: Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
Leonard: I’m not.
Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.
Leonard: Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, well, we might want to live together.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.
Leonard: That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?
Leonard: Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.
Sheldon: Where are you going to go?
Leonard: I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall.
Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
Leonard: No, I did not.
Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?
Leonard: Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.
Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.
Leonard: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Wow.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?
Amy: They just don’t appreciate you.
Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.
Amy: Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik.
Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.
Amy: You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.
Sheldon: Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.
Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain.
Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?
Amy: See? Maybe you’ll love living alone.
Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.
Amy: And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together.
Sheldon: You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?
Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.
Sheldon: No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.
Amy: It tastes the same.
Sheldon: No. The syrup tastes better and I don’t like it.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: This is so sweet. You never cook for me.
Leonard: Well, you cook for me all the time and, ugh.
Penny: If you don’t like my cooking, why haven’t you ever said anything?
Leonard: It’s hard to talk with so much heavy chewing to do.
Penny: Sorry. I’ll get better.
Leonard: I know you’ll try. So, should we talk about setting a date?
Penny: Well, I’d like to pick one that works with my brother’s schedule.
Leonard: Okay. And when would that be?
Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now, depending on good behaviour.
Amy: Hi, is Sheldon here?
Leonard: No, I thought he was with you.
Amy: He was, but he stormed off and now he isn’t answering his phone.
Leonard: What happened?
Amy: He was really angry that you suggested he move out.
Leonard: Oh.
Amy: I also mentioned that he and I could live together but he was too mad at you to realize what a great idea that is.
Leonard: Well, he’s been having a couple of tough days. I’m sure he’s fine. He probably just needs a little alone time to decompress.
Amy: You’re probably right. So, what are you guys doing?
Penny: Well, Leonard cooked for me and now we’re just having a nice dinner, you know, as a newly engaged couple.
Amy: That’s nice.
Leonard: Anyway, as I was saying, Sheldon probably just needs a little alone time. ‘Cause that’s important. Not just for him, but for most anybody, really.
Amy: Don’t I know it. What is that, polenta?
Penny: Amy, get out.
Amy: Right.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: No.
Stuart: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What happened?
Stuart: I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire.
Sheldon: And you couldn’t put it out?
Stuart: I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.
Sheldon: So when will you reopen?
Stuart: Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company.
Sheldon: So, tomorrow?
Stuart: I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.
Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.
Stuart: Well, sorry I let you down.
Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.
Stuart: That’ll be $2.99.
Sheldon: Really? It’s soaking wet.
Stuart: Fine, a dollar.
Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?
Stuart: No, I only have hundreds.
Sheldon: You know what? I don’t always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re not the only one whose day has been a disaster.
Stuart: (Light falls on ground just where he was standing a moment before) That could have killed me. I can’t catch a break.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I haven’t heard from Sheldon in a while. You think he’s okay?
Penny: Oh, I’m sure he’s fine.
Leonard: I’m gonna see where he is.
Penny: How?
Leonard: Oh, I know his password, so I can track his phone.
Penny: You do that?
Leonard: Not always, but ever since he wandered off at the swap meet chasing a balloon, I get worried.
Penny: He can take care of himself. Look, we went over stranger danger and gave him that whistle.
Leonard: That’s weird.
Penny: What?
Leonard: He’s at the train station.
Penny: So? He loves trains.
Leonard: It’s dark out and he’s alone, I don’t like it. Let’s go get him.
Penny: It’s sweet how you look out for him. You’re a good guy.
Leonard: It’s not just that. My mother would kill me if I let something happen to him.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Dude, I’m so sorry.
Howard: Don’t take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?
Stuart: No. God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist and the insurance company.
Raj: We’re here for you, man. Whatever you need, okay?
Stuart: Uh, actually, I was wondering if I could crash at your place for a few nights.
Raj: Sure, of course. Oh, actually, Emily was gonna spend the night.
Stuart: You slept with her? Nice.
Raj: Well, I can’t take all the credit. She let me do it to her, but, uh, but I can always call her and cancel.
Howard: Hang on. I know a place you can stay and earn some money at the same time.
Stuart: Great.
Howard: I just have to warn you, it’ll involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.
Stuart: So what’s the catch?
Scene: The train station.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: You tracked my phone?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.
Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard: Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.
Leonard: Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home.
Sheldon: No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.
Penny: And go where?
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter.
Leonard: So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?
Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.
Leonard: Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland.
Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.
Leonard: Then what can I do?
Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you know you’re overreacting.
Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: It might be good for him.
Leonard: You know he can’t take a trip like this by himself.
Penny: He’s a grown man.
Leonard: No, he looks like a grown man. You’ve seen Freaky Friday, sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
Penny: Leonard, we can’t protect him forever.
Leonard: I know, but…
Penny: He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher.
Penny: Seriously, let him go.
Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way.
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: Okay. Good luck.
Penny: Be safe and call us.
Sheldon: I will.
Leonard: Bye, buddy. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: I’m gonna miss you.
Sheldon: Of course you are.
Leonard: He just made that easier.
Penny: Mm.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Stuart: Hey. What are you guys still doing here? I got this, go. Go home.
Howard: You sure?
Stuart: Yeah, she’s fed, she took her pills, she’s all tucked in and watching TV.
Bernadette: So, she’s not too much for you?
Stuart: Are you kidding? I love her, she’s great.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, you gonna watch Wheel of Fortune with me?
Stuart: Coming, Debbie.
Howard: You call her Debbie?
Stuart: She insisted. So, hey, guys, thank you so much. This job is a dream come true.
Howard: Was that a little weird?
Bernadette: Yeah. I don’t know why, but something about it feels unnatural.
Howard: Okay, let’s go.
Bernadette: Yep.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on phone): Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? Oh, okay, bye.
Leonard: He’s okay?
Amy: Actually sounds like he’s doing pretty well.
Penny: I really think this is gonna be for the best.
Leonard: Me, too. And he was able to take a sabbatical from…
Amy: How could you let him go?
Following a “previously on” sequence.
Scene: A railway station. Sheldon is wearing no trousers.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you’re knitting a pair of pants? Oh, well, no, you’re understandably terrified. But, you know, allow me to explain. 45 days ago, um, I embarked on a railroad journey of healing because my university was making me do string theory, and my favorite comic book store burned down, and when my room mate got engaged, my girlfriend wanted to move in with me, which was no doubt a ploy just to see my, well, excuse my language, but my bathing suit parts. Uh, sir, may I use your phone?
Man: I don’t think so.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I understand that I’m half naked, but there is a reasonable explanation. While I slept in my sleeper car, all my possessions were stolen. Now, typically, I wear pyjamas, but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle and pyjamas are the sleep-pants of the Man. I’ll have you know, Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants and a nation rallied behind him. My good man, now, before you walk away, I know that I may appear deranged, but I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist. Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask. Bosons have integer spin, fermions have half-integer spin. My legs are getting cold. Why won’t anybody help me?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: Hi. Want to do yoga with me?
Leonard: Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello?
Sheldon: Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice.
Sheldon: Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.
Leonard: I’d love to. I’m just about to do yoga with Penny.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.
Leonard: Oh, my God, are you okay?
Sheldon: No, I’m not okay. Uh, I’m wearing borrowed pants, I don’t have I.D., and one of the officers here won’t stop calling me chicken legs.
Leonard: Okay. Uh, I’ll, I’ll come get you. What’s the address?
Penny: Hey, what’s going on?
Leonard: He got all of his stuff stolen.
Penny: Oh.
 
Sheldon: 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Hurry.
Leonard: Sheldon, hang tight. Hey, do you want me to bring anything?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, please. A pair of pants. And my toothbrush. Yeah, and my mail. And a really good comeback for chicken legs, because “I know you are, but what am I?” was met with stony silence.
Leonard: I’ll be there as soon as I can.
Penny: Is he okay?
Leonard: Yeah, he’s fine, he’s just a little rattled.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Feel like driving to Arizona with me?
Penny: I can’t, I have that job interview.
Leonard: Oh, right.
Penny: Besides, I don’t need six hours of your hair is different, why did you change your hair? I’m holding my breath until your hair grows back.
Leonard: All right, fine. Hey, can you think of a reason I shouldn’t invite Amy to come with me?
Penny: Nope.
Leonard: Come on, you didn’t even try.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Raj: Thanks for the lift.
Howard: What’s wrong with your car?
Raj: I’m having my windows untinted.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Got a hot girlfriend now. I want the haters to know.
Howard: What are you talking about? No one’s paying attention to you.
Raj: Wow. How’s that Hater-Ade taste, bro? Hey, this isn’t the way to work.
Howard: I just want to pop in and make sure Ma’s okay.
Raj: I thought Stuart was looking after her.
Howard: He was, but now that her cast is off, he moved out. And honestly, I’m kind of glad. It was getting a little weird.
Raj: How so?
Howard: I don’t know, they’re, chummy.
Raj: Like us?
Howard: No, not like us. Creepy chummy, like you and your dog.
Raj: She feeds him out of her own mouth?
Howard: I mean, he calls her Debbie, she calls him Stewie and they’re all giggly around each other. And believe me, when food goes in that mouth, it does not come out.
Raj: So are you worried because he’s replacing you as a son or are you worried because he’s becoming her lover?
Howard: First of all, no one can replace me as a son. I’m her little matzo ball. And secondly, my mother is well past having any kind of sex life.
Raj: Okay, okay. Although many older women lead vibrant, active…
Howard: I said well past it.
Scene: Kingman Police Station.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Officer Hernandez? Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?
Hernandez: Not yet.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?
Hernandez: Nope.
Sheldon: Well, maybe you should. There’s lots of books called Sherlock Holmes, and there’s no books called Officer Hernandez.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Thanks again for coming. Six hours was gonna be a long drive by myself.
Amy: My pleasure. And I’m not angry at all that my boyfriend was in trouble and called you instead of me. I love that,
Leonard: Yeah, time’s gonna fly by.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Penny: I haven’t been on a job interview in years. I’m really nervous.
Bernadette: Don’t be. You are built for pharmaceutical sales. You’re cute, you’re flirty and started that like there were gonna be three things.
Penny: I don’t have any experience in sales. Unless you count the bikini car wash I did in high school. But you already made me take that off my résumé.
Bernadette: This job is a lot like being a waitress, except instead of pushing the fish tacos ’cause they’re about to go bad, you’re just pushing our antidepressants before the FDA finds out they may cause rectal bleeding.
Penny: They do?
Bernadette: Maybe. But like our lawyers say, the world is full of things that can cause a rectum to bleed. Anyway, I talked you up to Dan. He’s the guy who’ll be interviewing you.
Penny: Oh, I really appreciate this. I just hope I’m not in over my head.
Bernadette: You’ll be fine. Just be yourself.
Penny: I wish I felt more confident.
Bernadette: Penny, I wouldn’t have put you up for this job if I didn’t think you could handle it.
Penny: Oh, thank you, but maybe I should cancel.
Bernadette: It’s too late to cancel. You’re going.
Penny: But I don’t know anything about pharmaceuticals.
Bernadette: Oh, I understand. You want to do something you’re already good at. I know. Why don’t I get you a job at the Sitting Around All Day Wearing Yoga Pants Factory?
Penny: They’re comfortable.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: Ma, I hope you’re decent. Raj is here. You just started seeing naked women again, and I don’t want you to be confused about where the boobs should be.
Stuart: Oh, hey, guys. What are you doing here?
Howard: Uh, what are you doing here? I thought you moved out.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I was going to, and then Debbie and I got to talking over dinner the other night. I didn’t have any place to go, she likes having me around, so we both said, why leave? at the same time. It was precious.
Howard: It’s not that precious.
Raj: I’d like to back you up, but it sounds like it was pretty precious.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, I can’t find my glasses.
Stuart: Be right there, Deb Deb. They’re probably on her head.
Howard: Or in her neck. Listen. You staying here seems like something she would’ve talked to me about.
Stuart: Well, maybe if you called your mother more often, you’d know.
Raj: It wouldn’t kill you to pick up the phone.
Scene: Kingman Police Station.
Sheldon: Any word on my stolen items?
Hernandez: We’re doing everything we can.
Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you.
Amy: Are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. Why did you come?
Amy: What do you mean, why did I come? You’re my boyfriend. I haven’t seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don’t you have anything to say besides why did you come?
Sheldon: I do, but, I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
Amy: Fine. Whisper it.
Sheldon (whispers): Shotgun.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: So, Sheldon, tell us about your trip. Where’d you go?
Sheldon: Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.
Leonard: How were they?
Sheldon: Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.
Leonard: Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station?
Sheldon: Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.
Leonard: I’m sorry, so you never went outside?
Sheldon: Or had a single piece of fruit.
Scene: Pharmaceutical Company Office.
Dan: So, why do you think you’d make a good pharmaceutical sales rep?
Penny: Well, I’m a people person. People like me. Some of my favourite people are people. I feel like I’m saying people a lot. People, people, people. Okay, I’m done.
Dan: You sure?
Penny: People. Yes.
Dan: Good. So, how do you feel your previous job experience has prepared you for a career like this?
Penny: Uh, well, as a waitress, sales was a big part of my job. I mean, believe me, I convinced a lot of very large customers, who should not be eating cheesecake, to have more cheesecake. I mean, one of those chubsters even had an insulin pump.
Dan: Uh-huh. I have an insulin pump.
Penny: People.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Howard: It’s weird, right? A grown man in his thirties living with my mother.
Raj: That is weird. I thought he was, like, 45.
Howard: Come on, you don’t think it’s a little odd?
Raj: I don’t know. I mean, she’s lonely. He needs a place to stay. I doubt there’s any funny business going on. And even if there was, who cares? They’re both adults.
Howard: Who cares? You wouldn’t care if I slept with your mom?
Raj: You know what? You’re my best friend, and she’s in a bad marriage. I give you my blessing.
Howard: This is stupid. I’m just gonna call my mother and be honest with her.
Raj: ‘Cause that’s what little matzo balls do.
Stuart (voice on answerphone): This is Debbie.
Mrs Wolowitz (voice on answerphone): And this is Stuart.
Together: Just kidding.
Stuart (voice on answerphone): Leave a message.
Raj: This is the part where you talk.
Scene: Pharmaceutical Company Office.
Dan: All right, let’s say a physician was prescribing one of our competitor’s drugs. How would you convince them to switch to ours?
Penny: Um, any chance his car needs to be washed by a girl in a bikini? No. Okay, I’m really sorry for wasting your time.
Dan: Don’t worry about it. Thanks for stopping by.
Penny: Okay, thanks. Um, I’m sorry, listen, could you do me a favour and not tell Bernadette how badly I blew this interview? She’ll get upset. And honestly I’m a, a little terrified of her.
Dan: Wait, wait. You’re scared of Bernadette?
Penny: Yeah, kind of.
Dan: I thought it was just me. Everyone thinks she’s so nice with that squeaky little voice.
Penny: I know, but she’s kind of a bully.
Dan: Wll, she is. I didn’t even want to meet you, but, uh, I was too scared to say no to her.
Penny: Me, too.
Dan: Yeah, yeah. One, one time, I had, I had to tell her we were cutting the, the research funding for one of the drugs she was developing.
Penny: What happened?
Dan: I couldn’t do it. She’s still working on it. Oh, we’re not gonna tell her about this, right?
Penny: Oh, my God, no.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: At the hot dog stand in the Denver train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Salt Lake City train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Indianapolis train station?
Leonard: I don’t care.
Sheldon: Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?
Amy: Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours?
Sheldon: I just thought you were bad at the game.
Amy: I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me?
Sheldon: Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?
Amy: We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears?
Sheldon: Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.
Leonard: What’s the big deal?
Sheldon: Oh, of course it’s no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on.
Leonard: Well, yeah, it’s true. You, you are a god to me.
Amy: Can I stop now?
Leonard: Just tell her.
Sheldon: I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.
Amy: You were worried about that?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Sheldon, it’s okay with me that you’re not perfect.
Sheldon: Can I have one more moment with Leonard?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Amy just hurt my feelings. I want to break up with her.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Now, I never thought I’d say this, but I’m kind of excited to see Sheldon.
Bernadette: I never thought I’d say this, but Penny got a job today.
Howard: She did?
Bernadette: Well, the only reason she got it is ’cause the guy who interviewed her loves me.
Howard (answering a knock on the door): What do you want?
Stuart: I, uh, kind of got the feeling you might not be okay with me staying at your mom’s.
Howard: You’re right, I’m not. I think it’s weird.
Bernadette: Howie?
Howard: It is. He’s a grown man. He’s just gonna live there rent-free? How is that gonna motivate him to get off his butt and get a job? I mean, do you even have a plan?
Stuart: Hey, you’re not my father, okay? And besides, your mother and I were talking…
Howard: Your mother and I? You’re not my father.
Stuart: I didn’t say I was your father.
Howard: Well, I didn’t say I was your father.
Bernadette: Okay, calm down. You’re not his father, he’s not your father. Nobody’s anybody’s father.
Stuart: I, I’m sorry you don’t like my life choices, but it’s my life.
Howard: Well, it’s my house, it’s my rules.
Stuart: Oh, oh, okay, Dad, if I mow the lawn, can I have my allowance?
Bernadette: Hey, don’t you take that sarcastic tone with him.
Stuart: I don’t have to listen to you.
Howard: Don’t talk to her like that. That is my mother. Wife. My wife. I said my wife.
Stuart: You know what? This isn’t getting us anywhere. When you’re ready to apologize, you know where to find me.
Howard: Yeah, in my house.
Stuart: That’s right, sucka.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: I wish I’d never gone on that trip. I feel no better now than when I left.
Amy: But you still accomplished something.
Leonard: Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said?
Sheldon: That I couldn’t do it?
Leonard: Exactly. Right after they said yeah.
Amy: But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure.
Sheldon: That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.
Amy: See? This trip was good for you.
Sheldon: Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.
Leonard: Butterfly could’ve gotten himself home from Arizona.
Sheldon: Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way.
All: Hey.
Penny: Hey, look who’s back.
Sheldon: Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Would you like to see pictures from my trip?
Penny: I thought your phone got stolen.
Sheldon: Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.
Leonard: And you thought they all had a silver lining.
Sheldon: Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.
Penny: I cannot believe you travelled the entire country and never left the train station.
Sheldon: I know. You know, I almost died in a fire in Des Moines, but I stayed put. FYI, that’s when the Imodium gave out.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
Howard: What a sick use of science.
Raj: Hey, as long as the baby’s healthy.
Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Howard: Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.
Raj: But half-man, half-owl could fly…
Sheldon: The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses. Moving on.
Howard: So, Penny, when’s the new job start?
Penny: Next Monday.
Bernadette: Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you?
Penny: Uh, not yet, but I will.
Bernadette: Great. When?
Penny: I said I’ll get to it.
Sheldon: I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Swish.
Bernadette: I don’t want to be pushy, but you’ve never done pharmaceutical sales before. It seems like you could use this time to get a head start.
Penny: Well, the first few weeks will be all training. They’ll tell me everything I need to know.
Bernadette: But imagine how impressed they’d be if you showed up already familiar with the material.
Penny: Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher’s pet?
Bernadette: Couldn’t hurt.
Leonard: Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet?
Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.
Scene: Mrs Davis’ office.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs. Davis. (Knock, knock, knock) Guess who?
Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?
Mrs Davis: Yes. Uh, welcome back.
Sheldon: Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?
Mrs Davis: You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no.
Sheldon: That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?
Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.
Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?
Mrs Davis: Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like.
Sheldon: But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.
Mrs Davis: That is correct.
Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?
Mrs Davis: Yes.
Sheldon: You people are sick.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Penny: Hey. Ready to go to lunch?
Amy: Just give me a minute. I’m stimulating the pleasure cells of this starfish. I just need to turn it off.
Penny: What happens if you don’t?
Amy: Then I have to sit through lunch knowing this starfish is having a better day than I am. Is Bernadette meeting us at the restaurant?
Penny: Uh, no. Actually, I didn’t invite her.
Amy: How come?
Penny: Well, ever since she helped me get this job, she won’t stop bugging me.
Amy: Well, I think she just wants you to do well, and she’s worried that you won’t ’cause you were just a stunningly poor waitress.
Penny: That is not true.
Amy: I’m still waiting on my mini corndogs from two years ago.
Penny: I told you, they’ll be right out.
Amy: Okay, so no Bernadette.
Penny: Well, you saw her the other night. Am I wrong?
Amy: No, I just, I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about her like this. Usually when someone’s being talked about behind their back, it’s me and it’s right in front of my face.
Penny: I’m sorry. I just need a little break from her.
Amy: I understand. You know, there is some research that indicates that sharing negative attitudes about a third party can be a powerful bonding force between two friends.
Penny: So, what are you saying?
Amy: I’m saying, in the spirit of science, what is that little skank’s problem?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: So, I’ve been trying to come up with a cute couple’s nickname for me and Emily. What do you like better? Emippali or Koothrapemily?
Howard: Why is it your last name and her first name?
Raj: Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn’t seem right about Koothrapeeney.
Leonard: Hey, how’d it go with human resources?
Sheldon: Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.
Raj: I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach?
Sheldon: What a stupid question.
Leonard: The kids are gonna love him.
Sheldon: I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.
Leonard: This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong.
Sheldon: Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.
Raj: You enjoy giving people grades.
Sheldon: A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.
Howard: And you love the sound of your own voice.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.
Leonard: Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.
Sheldon: It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings. Feynman, Einstein, Professor X. Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings. That’s rich. I’ll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Amy: Measuring starfish serotonin levels in response to one point two molar stimulation of pleasure cells. You like that, don’t you? That’s right, say my name.
Bernadette (on skype): Hey.
Amy: Hey, what’s going on?
Bernadette: Not much. You want to get a drink later? Just the two of us?
Amy: No Penny?
Bernadette: Not tonight. I’m a little frustrated with her.
Amy: Because you got her the job and you think she should be working harder to prepare for it?
Bernadette: So it’s not just me. You see it, too.
Amy: I do, I see it.
Bernadette: It’s driving me crazy. Just this afternoon, I saw on Instagram that instead of studying, she went out to lunch and got a manicure.
Amy: That’s outrageous.
Bernadette: I know.
Amy: If she doesn’t do well, this could reflect poorly on you.
Bernadette: Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care?
Amy: I don’t know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.
Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.
Leonard: Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?
Sheldon: There is no class.
Howard: Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already?
Sheldon: No one signed up.
Leonard: Well, that’s not your fault.
Sheldon: I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.
Leonard: What?
Raj: Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.
Raj: Aw, you brought cookies for everyone?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.
Howard: Hey, what if I took your class?
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Leonard: Yeah, why would you do that?
Raj: What’s wrong with you?
Howard: I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not?
Sheldon: Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about.
Raj: Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer.
Howard: Sheldon, I’m more than smart enough to take your class.
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Yes.
Sheldon: How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?
Howard: I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.
Sheldon: Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?
Howard: I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign.
Sheldon: Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?
Howard: Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Oh, come on. You might’ve gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.
Sheldon: You take that back.
Howard: No.
Scene: The stairwell.
Amy: So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I’m talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette.
Sheldon: I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?
Amy: Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more.
Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.
Amy: But I’m just…
Sheldon: Not now.
Amy: You better watch that attitude, buddy. You’re dating the popular girl now.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hmm. You’re up late.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you doing this?
Sheldon: I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.
Leonard: No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.
Leonard: You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it.
Sheldon: Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.
Leonard: Might be something to think about.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Howard’s allergic to peanuts. How can I use that against him?
Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin.
Howard: Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot.
Sheldon: I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?
Howard: I am.
Sheldon: Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?
Howard: It’s an inverted cycloid.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?
Howard: That’s where I’m a little fuzzy.
Sheldon: Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.
Howard (singing): All I do is win, win, win no matter what.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Howard (singing): Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there!
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Howard: If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now…
Sheldon: Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?
Howard: Making a straw.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: So I can shoot you with a spitball.
Sheldon: You’re not going to do that, and I’ll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you’re going to treat me with the prop… You shot your spit in my mouth!
Howard: Is that gonna be on the test? Because I don’t think I can do that again.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Amy (on phone): Hey, girlfriend. Can I get a what what?
Penny: What?
Amy: Close enough. Um, I was just calling to see what you were up tonight. Thought maybe we could hit up Color Me Mine, maybe sneak in some Pinot Greej. Whatevs.
Penny: Uh, thanks, but I think I’m gonna stay in and go over the stuff Bernadette gave me.
Amy: Oh. Oh, I hear you. Try and get that nag off your back, right? I mean, you’re not a bicycle, why’s she riding you like that?
Penny: No, I think she was just trying to help. Plus, I really want to do well at this job. So…
Amy: Okay, good luck. And call me later, you know, if you decide she’s a bitch or something. Hey, girlfriend.
Bernadette: Hey, Amy.
Amy: Tonight. You, me, Color Me Mine. Maybe we sneak in some Pinot, make it Color Me Wine.
Bernadette: That sounds fun, but I promised Penny I’d come by and help her study.
Amy: Oh. Well, good luck getting her to do that. She’s probably off getting another manicure. You remember when she did that? You remember?
Bernadette: I was probably being too hard on her. We talked, we’re good.
Amy: Oh. Great. I’m happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren’t getting along, it puts me in a really weird position.
Bernadette: Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.
Amy: You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.
Sheldon: Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well?
Leonard: Sheldon, I promise. Your uvula does not have an STD.
Sheldon: Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to.
Howard: You reported me to human resources?
Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.
Howard: Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy.
Sheldon: I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.
Howard: I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you.
Sheldon: Yeah, try me.
Howard: Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials?
Sheldon: Young’s modulus.
Raj: Is that right?
Howard: Yeah. Okay, how do you prevent eddy currents in a transformer?
Sheldon: Laminate the core material.
Leonard: Come on, give him a hard one.
Howard: That was a hard one. All right. How does the flow rate in a pipe depend on its diameter? You don’t know, do you? What’s the matter, smart guy? Don’t know Poiseuille’s law?
Sheldon (coughing several times): Thank goodness I got it. Now I can quit checking my stool.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Okay, what are the potential side effects for our erectile dysfunction drug?
Penny: Headaches, dizziness and nausea.
Bernadette: Yes.
Penny: Those are also the side effects of having a 75-year-old man with an erection climb on top of you.
Bernadette: Want to stop here?
Penny: Uh, no. I can keep going.
Bernadette: Nah, you got this. Let’s go for a drink. I’ll call Amy.
Penny: Okay, good. She seemed like she really wanted to go out tonight.
Amy (phone ringing, running down stairs from outside Penny’s door): Hey, girl.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Okay, next question, for the Butterfinger. How long is a galactic yea
Raj: 250 million years.
Leonard: Yes. (Cheers)
Howard: Okay, this one is for a Cadbury Creme Egg.
Sheldon: Oh! It’s not even Easter time. This is crazy.
Howard: Which Archimedean solid has 20 regular triangular faces, 30 square faces, 12 pentagonal faces, 60 vertices and 120 edges?
All together: The Rhombicosidodecahedron. (Cheers)
Leonard: We are so smart.
Raj: Why didn’t girls like us in high school?
Howard: Because we were awkward and weird and couldn’t play sports!
Leonard: Right again. (Cheers)
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So, how does this game work? I just throw it, like a real ball?
Leonard: Yeah, just nice and easy, right over the plate.
Howard: All right.
Raj: You suck, Wolowitz.
Howard: What’s that about?
Raj: I’m heckling you. It’s a beloved part of baseball.
Sheldon: He’s right. And given that you’re probably still waiting to be picked for a game that was played in fifth grade, I’m sure you do suck.
Penny: Hi. What’s going on?
Leonard: Baseball.
Penny: Okay, this is not what I meant when I said go outside and play.
Leonard: He’s practicing.
Penny: For what?
Howard: The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?
Penny: What, you? Really?
Howard: Well, a lot of people who weren’t available, but then me.
Penny: That’s so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.
Sheldon: Well, not just him. May I remind you that you’re talking to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.
Penny: I know. Watching your boyfriend run around with a broomstick between his legs isn’t something you forget.
Leonard: C’mon now, throw one.
Howard: All right, here we go.
Raj: You look like a jackass.
Howard: Cut it out. You’re hurting my feelings.
Leonard: Now you know why we’re not outside.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.
Sheldon: Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.
Amy: It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.
Penny: Hey, how was dinner?
Sheldon: Good, I had Cornish game hen.
Leonard: Oh, that poor waiter.
Amy: Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?
Penny: You guys are going out two nights in a row?
Sheldon: I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement.
Penny: That’s so hot.
Amy: It’s better than hot, it’s binding.
Sheldon: If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date.
Penny: Aw.
Amy: You are aware that a double date doesn’t count as two dates.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, then come or don’t. I don’t care.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: I can’t believe you’re sore.
Howard: Hey, even professional pitchers need a rubdown after the game.
Bernadette: But they throw an actual ball. You were throwing air at a TV.
Howard: For your information, I also gave Leonard one hell of a high five.
Bernadette: I’m kind of surprised you agreed to do this in front of a stadium full of people.
Howard: They’re doing Space Day and NASA asked me. I felt like I couldn’t say no.
Bernadette: Okay. Well, if you want, I could help you practice. I played a lot of softball growing up.
Howard: Thank you, that would be great.
Bernadette: Great. And while we’re at it, maybe we could butch up your run for when you head out to the mound.
Howard: What’s wrong with the way I run?
Bernadette; Oh, just kidding. Nothing.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m surprised you’d choose to go to a pub.
Sheldon: At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.
Amy: I then suggested a pub.
Sheldon: Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.
Leonard: You don’t even like Yorkshire pudding.
Sheldon: No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum.
Amy: After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.
Leonard: Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive.
Sheldon: Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.
Penny: Isn’t this when he says bazooka or something?
Sheldon: I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.
Leonard: You don’t honestly think that, do you?
Sheldon: Leonard, I assumed you knew. The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.
Leonard: There isn’t any ranking. And if there were, we wouldn’t be at the bottom of it.
Penny: Yeah, and actually, I drink Sauvignon Blanc.
Leonard: That’s the part you have a problem with?
Penny: Relax.
Amy: There they go, fighting again. You’d never hear her talk that way to Sauvignon Blanc.
Scene: A gymnasium.
Raj: So you never played baseball as a kid, not even Little League?
Howard: Well, I was going to, but the day of tryouts I found my dad’s Playboy collection. Threw my arm out.
Bernadette: All right, the pitcher’s mound in Major League Baseball is sixty feet, six inches away from home plate.
Howard: Great. You take this and say when to stop. How much further?
Bernadette: Keep going.
Howard: How about now?
Bernadette: I’ll let you know.
Howard: Are you saying stop and we’re just too far away to hear you?
Bernadette: Okay, stop.
Howard: Are you kidding me?!
Bernadette: That’s sixty feet.
Howard: There’s no way this is sixty feet.
Bernadette: I’m looking at it.
Howard: You realize this isn’t one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Leonard: Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn’t?
Sheldon: For starters, we enjoy spending time together.
Leonard: So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.
Sheldon: It’s called parallel play.
Leonard: Yeah, toddlers do that.
Sheldon: Not as well as we do.
Leonard: You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.
Penny: So what? Why do you even care?
Sheldon: Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.
Leonard: Whatever. You can’t even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.
Sheldon: If you’ve got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I’d like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.
Amy: It’s a good thing I’m not wearing flag underwear right now, ’cause there’s about to be a fire.
Scene: The gym.
Bernadette: Okay, it’s not that hard. You just look to where you want to throw it, step towards where you want to throw, and throw it.
Howard: That’s your help? That’s like saying here’s how you fly a plane, get in the airplane, know where you want to go and fly it.
Bernadette: Just throw the ball. Let’s see what we’re working with.
Raj: Come on Howard, fire it in.
Bernadette: Throw the damn ball!
Scene: The pub.
Amy: So when do you guys plan on getting married?
Penny: Uh, we’re not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I’m not pregnant.
Sheldon: May I have one of your fries?
Amy: Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger?
Sheldon: Absolutely not.
Leonard: Some perfect couple. He won’t even share his food with her.
Sheldon: It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?
Leonard: I’m not jealous. I just think it’s silly for you to compare relationships like they’re something that can be quantified.
Sheldon: Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four.
Leonard: How ridiculous is he?
Penny: A hundred.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion.
Sheldon: No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.
Penny: Well, a relationship is more complicated than a French fry.
Sheldon: Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto.
Penny: Oh, what did those rascals do now?
Amy: They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour.
Sheldon: Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.
Leonard: So, this is accurate?
Sheldon: It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.
Penny: Well, kind of takes the romance out of relationships.
Sheldon: Kind of? It does it perfectly.
Amy: Sheldon and I got an eight-point-two out of ten.
Leonard: Fine. We’ll take it right now.
Penny: No, don’t.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Just don’t take it.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: ‘Cause it’s stupid. Who cares what number it is?
Leonard: Come on. It’ll be fun.
Penny: I said I don’t want you to. I’m getting another drink.
Leonard: Sorry.
Amy: I’m gonna let you count this as two dates. They’re a lot of work.
Scene: The gym.
Bernadette: Think he’s getting any better?
Raj: Yup.
Howard: That was a close one.
Bernadette: Okay.
Raj: Is it too late for him to cancel?
Bernadette: I think so.
Howard: Heads up! Watch out!
Scene: The pub.
Leonard: Are you mad at me?
Penny: No, stop being stupid.
Leonard: Um, whew? Is this about the test, or is this about us?
Penny: Look, I don’t need a score on a test to make me worry about something I’m already worried about.
Leonard: What are you worried about?
Penny: That we’re engaged and have nothing in common, and it scares me.
Leonard: Yeah, that scares me, too.
Penny: It does?
Leonard: Sometimes.
Penny: Well, that’s not good. You being blindly infatuated with me was the rock we were building this relationship on.
Leonard: Okay, well, this might make you feel better. Uh, we’re both scared that our marriage will be a disaster, and so, that’s something that we have in common. Also, we both think I’m not funny. Huh? See, you’re not laughing.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Mike (on Skype): Hey, Froot Loops, what’s up?
Howard: Hey, Mike. Listen, NASA asked me to throw out the first pitch at an Angels game. You got any advice?
Mike: Yeah. Don’t do it. What else you up to?
Howard: Why shouldn’t I do it?
Mike: There’s no upside. If you do well, no one cares. And if you screw up, you’re an idiot on YouTube forever.
Howard: But it’s for a good cause. What about all the kids that’ll be there?
Mike: That’s what I’m telling you. Kids are the worst. My own daughter tweeted I have a giant nose.
Howard: Well, maybe I’ll do a good job.
Mike: I don’t know. In space, you couldn’t even toss me a pen, and that was in zero gravity.
Howard: Okay, thanks for the pep talk.
Mike: Anytime, Froot Loops. Give your wife a hug for me. She’s so much cuter than you, I don’t know how you ever got her.
Bernadette: He’s so nice.
Scene: The pub.
Penny: Hey, sorry about that.
Amy: No, we’re sorry. We never should have been comparing relationships in the first place.
Sheldon: Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.
Leonard: I just want to say one more thing about this. Just because Penny and I are very different people does not mean that we’re a bad couple.
Sheldon: The answer is one simple test away. Hmm? You know, it’s like when I thought there was a possum in my closet. Did I sit around wondering? No, I sent Leonard in with a pointy stick and a bag.
Leonard: I killed his Chewbacca slippers.
Penny: Let’s just take the test.
Leonard: No, no, no, I don’t want to.
Penny: Oh, well, ’cause you know we’re gonna do bad.
Leonard: Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if we’re a ten or a two.
Sheldon: Or a one. A one is possible.
Leonard: Marriage is scary. You’re scared, I’m scared. But it doesn’t make me not want to do it. It, it just makes me want to hold your hand and do it with you.
Penny: Leonard.
Amy: It would make me so happy if you said things like that.
Sheldon: We got an eight-point-two. Trust me, you’re happy.
Scene: Angels Stadium
Raj: Mmm, I love how they put a waterfall at centre field. It really ties the whole stadium together.
Penny: Look at you, talking sports.
Leonard: This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game.
Sheldon: Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.
Amy: Sheldon, what did you expect?
Sheldon: I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.
Amy: I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead.
Sheldon: Who’s the bobblehead of?
Amy: Does it matter?
Sheldon: No, as long as it bobbles.
Bernadette: Howie, I am so proud of you.
Howard: Thanks. I’m proud of me, too.
Man: You ready?
Howard: Let’s do it.
Man: All right.
Howard: Wish me luck.
Bernadette: Go get ’em.
Stadium Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of Space Day at Angel Stadium, the first pitch will be thrown out by NASA astronaut Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: Thank you. Thank you.
Penny: Can he really throw a ball?
Leonard: On our Quidditch team, he…
Penny: Yeah, that’s a no.
Howard: I have a message for the young people here today. When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn’t do it. So, I practiced and practiced, and you know what? That little voice was right, but then I remembered that I’m not an athlete. I’m a scientist. So, today’s first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars Rover. And here’s the wind-up, and the pitch.
Bernadette: Why is it going so slow?
Howard: ‘Cause I’m an idiot who didn’t think this through.
Sheldon: Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.
Howard: Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.
Man in Crowd: You suck, Wolowitz!
Sheldon: He makes a valid point.
Howard: Okay, booing isn’t gonna make it go any faster.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Have you guys heard about this research team that’s trying to transgenically manipulate chicken DNA to create some sort of chicken dinosaur?
Sheldon: Oh, I think that sounds wonderful.
Howard: What? You’re afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens.
Sheldon: Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: We still on for tomorrow night?
Leonard: Yeah. I’m excited to finally meet your girlfriend.
Sheldon: Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.
Howard: Since when do you read social science?
Sheldon: I go to the bathroom like everybody else.
Raj: Why would I lose friends just because I started dating someone?
Leonard: Yeah, you didn’t lose anyone when you met Amy. Yeah, well, no, this study refers to romantic partners. Not the way I would categorize the two of us.
Raj: You guys kiss and hold hands.
Leonard: I’ve seen him do it. It’s not romantic.
Raj: Look, I’m not the kind of guy who drops his friends just because he’s in a relationship.
Leonard: What happens if she doesn’t like us?
Raj: Well, hey, you’re my dear friends. You’ll get a Christmas card for a couple of years, and then you’re dead to me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: So, Howard, is Stuart still living with your mom?
Howard: I don’t want to talk about it.
Bernadette: But he’s going to.
Howard: My mom got him cable. In my whole life, growing up in that house, no cable. Do you know how many HBOs that leech had my mother get him? Seven. Seven HBOs. Seven.
Bernadette: Long story short, they have seven HBOs.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Emily, you know almost everybody here.
Emily: Hi.
Raj: And this is Leonard, this is Penny.
Emily: Oh, it’s so nice to meet you.
Leonard: Nice to finally meet you, too.
Penny: Hi.
Emily: Hello.
Leonard: Wow, Raj, you were not lying about her.
Raj: I told you she exists.
Penny: Hey, I hear you’re a dermatologist.
Emily: Uh, yeah, I’m a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon: Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don’t have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.
Bernadette: You know, Penny just started training to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. Maybe she can practice on you some time.
Penny: Oh, it would be great to practice on a real doctor.
Emily: Yeah. I’m sure that’d be fine.
Sheldon: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily: Um, okay, I guess.
Amy: I’m with him three years, nothing. She’s with him two minutes, and he’s taking his pants off.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Last night was fun. What did you think of Emily?
Penny: I don’t know. I kind of got the sense she didn’t like me.
Bernadette: Did she say she didn’t like you?
Penny: Of course not. No one ever says they don’t like you straight to your face.
Amy: We have led different lives.
Bernadette: You guys just met. Why would she feel that way?
Penny: It’s just this vibe I got.
Bernadette: I’m sure you’re worried about nothing.
Penny: Yeah. You’re probably right. I used to think my high school P.E. teacher didn’t like me, but it turned out, she liked me a little too much.
Bernadette: Really?
Penny: Yeah. It was fine. We went to a Melissa Etheridge concert, I got an A, it all worked out.
Bernadette: When you go to Emily’s office to practice, you’ll see. It’s fine.
Penny: Yeah, I hope you’re right.
Amy: You really went your entire life without anyone saying I hate you to your face?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: I’d say it now, but look at those cheekbones.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Sheldon: I miss Stuart’s place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store, or a rave at the third little pig’s house?
Howard: Yep, I wish Stuart would reopen. I hate this place, too.
Leonard: Okay, him I believe because he’s an 80-year-old man in a 15-year-old’s tee shirt. But you’re just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs.
Howard: Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?
Raj: You know, he might not reopen. He didn’t get a lot of money from the insurance company.
Sheldon: Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies.
Leonard: Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?
Howard: All I know is, he’s got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate, why doesn’t he just use an angora rabbit?
Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.
Leonard: Hey, here’s a thought. Why don’t we put up the rest of the money that Stuart needs?
Raj: So, we’d be, like, owners of a comic book store?
Leonard: It’s kind of a dream come true.
Howard: That does sound fun.
Raj: Ooh, maybe we could come up with a business plan to compete with this place.
Sheldon: I’ll give you a plan right now. Step one, open comic book store. Step two, start rumour this comic book store gives you genital warts. Step three, buy a big bag to put the money in.
Leonard: It’s not that bad.
Scene: Emily’s surgery.
Penny: Hey.
Emily: Hi.
Penny: Thank you so much for letting me practice my sales pitch on you. I really appreciate it.
Emily: Sure.
Penny: Um, I brought coffee. I wasn’t sure what you like, so I got a regular, a cappuccino and a Chai tea. Since you like Raj, I thought you might be into that.
Emily: Thanks. If we could get started. I’m a little busy.
Penny: Oh, yeah, sure. Let me just get out my materials. Leonard gave me this briefcase. He used to carry it around in high school. You can still see the dent where they whacked him with it. Okay, I would like to talk to you about our new birth control pill, Femevra.
Emily: Great.
Penny: So, Femevra’s triphasic design provides balanced hormonal exposure.
Emily: All right.
Penny: It has also been shown to cause significantly fewer side effects than other oral contraceptives. Although it can cause acne, which, if you ask me, kind of increases its effectiveness as a contraceptive.
Emily: Funny.
Penny: Okay, I’m sorry. Did we get off on the wrong foot? Because since the other night, I kind of feel like you might have a problem with me.
Emily: No, it’s fine.
Penny: Are you sure, because it doesn’t seem fine?
Emily: Okay. If you really want to talk about this, I do have a problem.
Penny: Oh, my God. Tell me, what did I do?
Emily: Look, it’s nothing. It’s just, Raj told me that a while ago, you two hooked up.
Penny: What? Oh, why would he say that?
Emily: Did it not happen?
Penny: Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it a hook-up.
Emily: Did you kiss?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily: Were you naked?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily: So, it was a hook-up.
Penny: No. Yeah.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?
Leonard: Oh, kids buy comic books. It would be great to figure out a way to get more kids in the store.
Howard: You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.
Raj: Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up?
Sheldon: Nice. You mean, like at parks and schools?
Howard: Toy stores, puppet shows.
Leonard: Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: And are you gonna use candy to lure them in?
Raj: We are now.
Penny: You told Emily we hooked up?
Raj: Um, well, in my defence, I tell everybody.
Penny: Why would you say that?
Raj: We were having a conversation about past lovers.
Penny: We weren’t lovers. Come on. Everyone knows we didn’t sleep together. We got drunk and fooled around. Why couldn’t you just leave me out of it?
Raj: Well, we were being honest. You would leave me out of the conversation with the next guy if you dumped Leonard?
Leonard: Why say it?
Penny: Yes.
Raj: Well, I would never leave you off my list, and not just because, without you, we’re playing fast and loose with the word list.
Penny: Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh.
Raj: Great.
Sheldon: On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.
Raj: You, okay? It’s you. You’re, you’re next.
Sheldon: No. You’re crazy about me.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I don’t know what Emily’s so upset about anyway. Even if I had slept with him, so what? Everyone has a past.
Amy: Hmm-hmm.
Penny: Almost everyone has a past.
Bernadette: Come on, look how pretty you are. I’m sure this isn’t the first girl to hate you.
Penny: It’s not.
Bernadette: And I’m sure you can turn it around.
Penny: How? You can’t force someone to like you.
Amy: What if you just hang around and act like her friend until you wear her down? I mean, next thing you know, you’re in her home, you’re eating her food, drinking her wine.
Penny: No, that won’t work.
Amy: You’re right. Cheers.
Bernadette: Oh, I know. Why don’t you use your sales training to go back down there and sell yourself?
Penny: What?
Bernadette: Yeah. But instead of selling a drug, you’d be selling Penny. it’s cute.
Penny: It’s stupid.
Bernadette: Well, maybe people would like you more if you didn’t crap all over their ideas.
Amy: I’m gonna go with Penny on this one. Then again, why wouldn’t I? I mean, we go way back.
Penny: Oh, my God. I didn’t used to like you.
Amy: Shh. Amy’s here now.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am about having our own store.
Howard: We’ll get to see all the new stuff before it hits the shelves.
Sheldon: And we’ll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn’t a library, buy it or get out.
Howard: You say things like that all the time.
Sheldon: Yes, but as a store owner, I’ll finally have a good comeback to, You don’t work here, shut up.
Leonard: Uh, do you know how Penny told Raj he should have left her off his list?
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list?
Sheldon: I’m sure she did.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.
Leonard: Will you stay out of this?
Sheldon: If only Penny had said that once in a while.
Howard: Hey, what difference does it make? You’re the one she wants to marry.
Leonard: That’s true.
Howard: Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship.
Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.
Leonard: Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women.
Sheldon: I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.
Howard: He’s right.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I am. I was also right about her hair. It did everything but quack.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: There’s something I wanted to run past you.
Penny: What’s up?
Leonard: Mm, the guys and I were thinking about investing in Stuart’s comic book store. Is that okay?
Penny: Why are you asking me?
Leonard: Well, you know, we’re engaged, and it’s kind of a big deal financially. It seems like something we should talk about.
Penny: Oh. Well, would you consider mounds of credit card debt kind of a big deal financially?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Huh.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Mm. So, me and the guys were talking about this great investment opportunity.
Bernadette: Nope.
Howard: But you didn’t hear what it was.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Oh, come on.
Bernadette: Fine. What is it?
Howard: It’s to help reopen the comic book store.
Bernadette: Nope.
Howard: Well, hear me out.
Bernadette: Howard, you know we’re saving up for a house.
Howard: I know, but all the guys are doing it. We’re splitting it four ways, so it’s really not that much money.
Bernadette: It just seems like a risky investment.
Howard: I get that. I, okay, look, the real reason this is important is, before my dad left me and my mom, he used to take me to the comic book store. It was one of the few things we did together.
Bernadette: Oh. Howie, I had no idea.
Howard: Well, I don’t like to talk about it.
Bernadette: Oh, baby. That story’s made up, isn’t it?
Howard: That’s how much buying a comic book store means to me.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’d like your honest opinion on something.
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.
Amy: I’m feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.
Amy: Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Then I think it’s a terrific idea.
Sheldon: Great. Wait till you hear about our van.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Raj: Thanks for inviting us over.
Penny: Oh, thank you for coming.
Emily: Uh, listen, Penny, before you start, I just want to apologise for being so rude the other day in my office.
Penny: No, no. No need to apologise.
Raj: Excuse me, can I say something? I just love both you guys, and I want you to get along. And when I say love I meant as a friend. And, uh, way too soon, right?
Penny: Okay, sit down. Listen, Emily, what happened between me and Raj was a long time ago.
Raj: It was, and I may have made it seem like a bigger deal than I should have.
Penny: Yeah, and Leonard and I are engaged now, and I’m just hoping we can put this whole thing behind us.
Emily: Mm. I’d like that, too. Yeah, I thought I’d be okay with it, but then I saw how pretty you are.
Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet. I mean, look at you, you are gorgeous.
Raj: It’s true, you’re both gorgeous. Kind of says something about the man who could bed you both. You get why I’ve been alone most of my adult life.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Stuart: So, what brings you by?
Howard: Well, I don’t need a reason, it’s my house.
Stuart: Technically, it’s your mom’s house, but we certainly want you to feel welcome.
Howard: I’m always welcome.
Stuart: Mm, just try and call first.
Bernadette: Okay, let’s get down to business. Howie was thinking about putting up some money to help you reopen the store, but before that happens, I have a few questions.
Stuart: Oh. I appreciate the offer, but actually your mother already gave me the money.
Howard: What?
Stuart: Yeah. I told her it was too much, but she said she was happy to help out her bubala.
Howard: Excuse me. Ma, you are cancelling that cheque, and Stuart is not your bubala, I’m your bubala. You can’t have more than one bubala.
Stuart: I don’t know who he’s talking to. She’s at Target, buying me shirts.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: I’m so glad we could work this all out.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Emily: You know, we should have dinner one night with you and Leonard.
Penny: Oh, we would love that.
Raj: Great.
Penny: Okay, good night, guys.
Emily: All right, night.
Penny: Bye.
Emily and Penny (simultaneously): I hate her.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I’m really disappointed we’re not gonna have our own comic book store.
Leonard: I know. I was looking forward to it.
Sheldon: It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace.
Howard: With comfy seats.
Raj: And snacks.
Sheldon: Well, I guess it was too good to be true.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey, I read that someone invented a way to convert your footsteps into electromagnetic energy so you can charge your cell phone while walking.
Leonard: We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it?
Howard: Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back.
Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.
Leonard: That’s not what happened.
Sheldon: I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.
Howard: No one wants to hear it.
Sheldon: Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.
Leonard: Penny is not the reason I didn’t pursue that idea.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Since meeting her, what have been your greatest accomplishments?
Raj: Easy. Sleeping with Penny.
Howard: Getting Penny to go back out with him after she dumped him.
Raj: Tricking Penny into getting engaged.
Howard: And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up.
Leonard: I think someone owes me an apology.
Sheldon: Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.
Howard: You admit Amy’s a distraction?
Sheldon: Oh, very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. Hi. Hope you’re having a good day. Who has time for this constant sexting?
Leonard: Well, maybe we have lost our focus.
Howard: It wouldn’t kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas.
Raj: Ooh, we could have one of those retreats.
LeonardLike our own science retreat.
Howard: My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.
Sheldon: I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?
Leonard: Then we’ll go to a hotel.
Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?
Raj: We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake.
Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?
Raj: Nothing bad happens in The Lake House.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.
Leonard: Fine. Then we’ll just stay here and do it.
Sheldon: Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.
Leonard: You would go to a beach house?
Sheldon: Well, good Lord, no, have you seen Jaws?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey. So, the guys and I are talking about having kind of a science retreat this weekend. I just wanted to know if that’s okay. You and I had talked about going to brunch on Sunday.
Penny: Want to go to Vegas this weekend?
Amy: Of course I do.
Penny: Bernadette? Girl’s weekend. Vegas. You in?
Bernadette: Hell, yeah.
Penny: Yes. I’ll check flights.
Bernadette: I’ll check hotels.
Amy: I’ll check my underpants. I’m so excited, I think I peed.
Leonard: They seem okay with it.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Hey. I didn’t think you’d make it.
Raj: Why not?
Howard: Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.
Raj: For your information, Emily is working tonight.
Sheldon: Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.
Leonard: Okay, let’s focus. The girls are gone, we have 48 hours. There are no distractions. Let’s change the world.
Sheldon: Thinking caps on.
Howard: Here we go.
Raj: Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.
Howard: Oh. I never saw that.
Sheldon: Really?
Raj: Oh. It’s wonderful, and I swear I’m not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it.
Sheldon: Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray. We should watch it.
Raj: Cool. I’ll make the popcorn.
Leonard: Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let’s change the world to let’s watch TV.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Is that a no?
Howard: Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?
Leonard: I, I think I still have it.
Sheldon: I did not get a clear answer. I’m gonna set this down now.
Leonard: Ah, here it is. Whoa. I haven’t looked at these in years. Robot girlfriend.
Howard: Mm, that was mine.
Leonard: Robot prostitute.
Howard: Also mine.
Sheldon: Wait. I’m confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
Howard: There’s just some things you don’t do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj: Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.
Leonard: Okay, let’s just skip all the inventions you can have sex with. All right, no, here we go, ergonomic heated seat cushion.
Howard: No, it vibrates. Keep going.
Leonard: You know, let’s just come up with something new.
Sheldon: You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.
Raj: Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.
Leonard: How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality?
Sheldon: If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application.
Leonard: Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.
Raj: Oh, I have an idea.
Sheldon: I think I have the same one.
Howard: We got to watch Back to the Future II.
Raj: I’ll make the popcorn.
Scene: A Vegas hotel room.
Penny: So, where should we go first?
Amy: Ooh. There’s a cover band in the lounge.
Penny: Nah.
Amy: But they play Barry Manilow.
Penny: No.
Amy: But they’re called Fairly Manilow.
Penny: Oh. Okay.
Amy: Great.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: Well, what do you want to do?
Penny: Well, we’re in Vegas. I want to go downstairs, get a bucket of margaritas, dance until I vomit all over a roulette wheel and watch it go everywhere.
Amy: What if we don’t want to vomit?
Penny: Oh, you will. That’s why they give you the bucket. Uh-oh.
Amy: What?
Penny: It’s my boss. They moved my field ride up to Monday.
Amy: What does that mean?
Penny: It means instead of having a week to study, I only have two days.
Bernadette: That sucks.
Amy: Can you start in the morning?
Penny: Uh, it’s kind of a lot. You know, let me do a little tonight, and I’ll catch up with you guys later.
Bernadette: You sure?
Penny: Yeah, it’s okay. Go ahead.
Amy: So, um, now that Penny’s not coming…
Bernadette: We’re not seeing Fairly Manilow.
Amy: Okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hold on. Pause. Something doesn’t make sense. Look, in 2015, Biff steals the sports almanac and takes the time machine back to 1955, to give it to his younger self. But as soon as he does that, he changes the future, so the 2015 he returns to would be a different 2015, not the 2015 that Marty and Doc were in.
Leoanard: This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.
Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?
Leonard: Had will have placed?
Sheldon: That’s my boy.
Leonard: Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline.
Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…
Leonard: Wait. Is brought right?
Sheldon: Marty and Doc never had have had brought?
Leonard: I don’t know. You did it to me.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t.
Raj: He’s right. Also, what kind of name is Biff? Sounds like when you pop open a can of Pillsbury dough. Biff.
Howard: Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.
Leonard: Guys.
Sheldon: Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien?
Raj: Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?
Leonard: Guys, what are we doing? We sent the girls away so we could focus.
Sheldon: I don’t think it worked.
Scene: A bar in Vegas.
Amy: Maybe after this, you’ll be in the mood for some Manilow.
Bernadette: I think after this, I’ll be dead.
Amy: Look at us out, while Penny’s in the room studying.
Bernadette: I’m proud of her. This is a great opportunity. It’s nice to see her take it seriously.
Amy: It is. But enough about Penny. Let’s talk about us. We’re looking good.
Bernadette: We are.
Amy: Better than good. I mean, look at you. Your body’s bangin’.
Bernadette: Amy.
Amy: Don’t Amy me. We’re always talking about how hot Penny is. Come on, scientist to scientist, how big are those Hadron Colliders?
Bernadette: You’re embarrassing me.
Amy: Oh, don’t be embarrassed. I’ll show you the divot in my spine.
Bernadette: What?
Amy: No, no, it’s okay. I was born with it. If you put a double-A battery in there, it makes my leg kick.
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Leonard: All right.
Sheldon: Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here.
Raj: Plus, this is where our minds are conditioned to focus on work.
Leonard: So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.
Howard: Or if we could figure out a way to supercool the materials, we could utilize quantum coupling.
Sheldon: Well, I wonder if anyone’s tried that.
Raj: Go online and look it up.
Shortly afterwards.
Howard: Oh, I can’t argue with him. It’s right there on the screen. Austria does look like a wiener.
Raj: That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is.
Leonard: I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work?
Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?
Howard: Like behavior modification?
Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. Did you know those techniques were used to actually teach pigeons to play ping-pong?
Raj: That cannot be true.
Shortly afterwards.
Raj: Hey, it was match point.
Leonard: Some psychologists perform operant conditioning with punishment. Maybe we can come up with a punishment for straying off topic.
Raj: Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind.
Howard: We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked.
Sheldon: Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.
Leonard: If only we had one.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ll check Amazon.
Scene: The hotel room.
Bernadette: Housekeeping.
Amy: We had a complaint about somebody pooping on a party in there.
Bernadette: It was us the whole time.
Amy: Why’d you tell her? It was working.
Bernadette: Was it working?
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Penny: You guys look like you’re having fun.
Amy: We’re having the best time.
Bernadette: Guess who won a hundred dollars playing craps.
Penny: That’s a dollar.
Bernadette: Then guess who wildly overtipped a cocktail waitress.
Amy: Hey, Penny, hey, let’s go. We found a place that has Australian male strippers.
Bernadette: We want to see if they twirl their junk in the other direction.
Penny: That sounds so great. But I have a little more studying to do.
Amy: Can you believe this nerd?
Bernadette: Come on, do you want to sit here being a loser, or do you want to watch me climb into an Australian man’s G-string like a baby kangaroo?
Penny: All right, guys, look, I would love to go out, but I’ve got to get this done, okay? So have fun at the club. And if you get in trouble, find a policeman. And if he’s taking off his pants, he is not a real policeman.
Amy: Okay, okay, this is obviously very important to her. Let’s just, we’ll help her study so she can get done quicker. Here, here, I’m gonna quiz you. I’m gonna quiz you. I got your notes. I got your notes. I got your notes. If you want these, they’re gonna be at the strip club.
Bernadette: Aren’t you gonna chase her?
Penny: To the walk-in closet? Sure.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Leonard: Okay, so we agree, whenever someone takes us off topic they get their arm hair yanked off.
Raj: And I really can’t let that happen or the girl who does my eyebrows will think I’ve been cheating on her.
Leonard: All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling…
Sheldon: Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?
Leonard: I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also…
Sheldon: Ow. We didn’t vote!
Leonard: We didn’t have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we’re leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why?
Sheldon: You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault.
Howard: That’s ridiculous. Sheldon, I vote that is not a tangent.
Leonard: Thank you. And now I owe you one.
Sheldon: Ow. That was your fault.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.
Leonard: Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working.
Sheldon: I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.
Howard: Negative reinforcement is really wrong?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s used incorrectly all the time. Even Bill Murray makes that mistake in the first scene of Ghostbusters.
Raj: No way. Not Bill Murray.
Shortly afterwards.
Bill Murray (on screen): I’m studying the effect of negative reinforcement on ESP ability.
Raj: Huh. Bill Murray did get it wrong.
Howard: Jump ahead to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Leonard’s right. We can’t just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie.
Leonard: Look. We keep procrastinating. We saw Back to the Future II, pigeons playing ping-pong, a bunch of countries that look like genitals and one guy whose genitals look like Denmark.
Raj: Yeah, sorry for clicking on that.
Leonard: It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight?
Sheldon: But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.
Leonard: So you’re, you’re saying we should stand here in my lab on a Saturday night and watch the rest of Ghostbusters on a crappy laptop?
Sheldon: No.
Scene: The apartment.
All: Ghostbusters!
Leonard: It really does hold up.
Scene: The Vegas strip club.
Bernadette: See? Isn’t this better than a hotel room?
Penny: Yep. Shake that thing.
Bernadette: Have you ever seen a body so fine?
Amy: We had some pretty hot corpses in my anatomy class, but none of them moved like that.
Scene: The hotel room.
Penny: Good morning. You want to go to the pool? Come on, you said it yourself, only nerds and losers stay in the room. Wow, it’s bright out. Isn’t it bright? I should probably close these curtains. Nah. Bye.
Bernadette: Would you please close the drapes?
Amy: Okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: I like your suit.
Penny: Oh, thanks. Got a couple new outfits for work.
Howard: How does it feel knowing your fiancée’s job is to go out and flirt with doctors, looking like that, while you sit here, you know, looking like this?
Leonard: She doesn’t flirt with doctors.
Penny: Yeah. It’s all very professional.
Amy: You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt?
Penny: Okay, good.
Bernadette: Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.
Bernadette: Oh. What’s going on?
Sheldon: I started doing it.
Raj: You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter.
Leonard: Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines.
Raj: You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.
Penny: Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine?
Sheldon: Why not?
Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash.
Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.
Leonard: I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny, it’s like a cat riding a Roomba.
Howard:If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time.
Bernadette: Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.
Leonard: Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.
Sheldon:Are they making fun of us?
Raj: Yup.
Sheldon: I miss the old days when I couldn’t tell.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: So, one of my favourite video games of all time is called Shadow of the Colossus, and it was only for PlayStation 2, but then they came out with a new version for PS3 with better graphics. I finally got the chance to play it, and for some reason, it just wasn’t as good as the first one. Or something about yoga.
Penny: I’m sorry, I was thinking about work.
Leonard: Well, I was just saying that there was this video game…
Penny: Yeah, that’s when I started thinking about work. Uh, listen, I’ve got some good news.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: This is for you.
Leonard: Huh. What is this?
Penny: Well, you know how they gave me the company car? Didn’t make sense to have two, so I sold the other one.
Leonard: The one I gave you?
Penny: Yeah. And there’s your money back, and now we’re even. How great is that?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Nothing.
Penny: Oh, come on, Leonard, I know the car was a thoughtful gesture and I really appreciate it, but it doesn’t make sense to have both.
Leonard: You’re right.
Penny: What should I have done? Taken a picture of us in the car and put it in a pink frame with puffy paint around it that says best fiancé ever?
Leonard: Doesn’t sound that bad.
Penny: Well, good, because that’s what I did.
Leonard: Aw, oh, thank you. That is so sweet.
Penny: Well, it’s not that sweet, I paid for the frame with your money and then got a massage.
Leonard: You know what, you don’t have to give me this. You keep it.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: The car was a gift, it was something you needed. I was happy to help you out.
Penny: And I really appreciate it, but now I don’t need it, so here you go.
Leonard: Well, this is silly, so you don’t need the car, but you could use it to buy yourself something else, like a new purse to put all this money in.
Penny: Sweetie, I can buy my own stuff. I have a good job now.
Leonard: I know, and I’m proud of you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do something nice. Like this.
Penny: Okay, I don’t want this to turn into a fight.
Leonard: I don’t, either.
Penny: Great. Thank you. Can you pass the salt, please?
Leonard: Sure. In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Raj: Hey, Sheldon, you busy?
Sheldon: I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.
Raj: Don’t they lay eggs on a rock?
Sheldon: Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?
Raj: So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees.
Sheldon: Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.
Raj: It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.
Sheldon: Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.
Raj: Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time.
Sheldon: Yeah? We have to be somewhere.
Raj: Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket.
Sheldon: So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.
Raj: Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.
Sheldon: Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.
Raj: Exactly.
Sheldon: Very well.
Raj: So where should we do it?
Sheldon: Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.
Raj: Uh, Sheldon…
Sheldon: Oh, there, well, look, there’s all kinds of videos.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, you got a sec?
Penny: Hi. Sure.
Leonard: I was hoping we could talk about the money again.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, just forget about it.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, hear me out. I know things got a little weird last night.
Penny: Well, leaving an envelope full of cash on my dresser after sex would count as weird.
Leonard: Well, I think I came up with a pretty good solution.
Penny: Mm.
Leonard: Why don’t we just put the money in a joint account? It’ll be our first money together. We can use it for the wedding, the honeymoon, whatever.
Penny: You know what, that’s great. I love that.
Leonard: Yeah, of course you do, I’m not just a genius in bed. You sure are, baby.
Penny: You two want to be alone?
Leonard: I want you to know I get why you don’t want the money, you’ve got this new job, you’re excited about being financially independent, and I am nothing but proud of you.
Penny: Oh, thank you so much. It feels so good to hear you say that. And I want you to know that I get this job kind of changes the balance in our relationship, and I’m trying to be sensitive to that.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Well, I just think that maybe you’re a little hung up on the money because I’m less reliant on you now, and that’s a little scary.
Leonard: Hmm. Maybe. Or maybe I tried to do something nice and maybe you had a problem with it because of your control issues.
Penny: Control issues?
Leonard: Maybe.
Penny: Or, maybe now that I’m no longer an out-of-work actress who can’t pay for her own dinner, that makes you a little insecure.
Leonard: Well, I can’t believe you’d say that. You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.
Penny: You know what? I’m sorry. It’s stupid to fight over money.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m sorry, too. We’re about to share the rest of our lives together. It’s our money, who cares who has it?
Penny: Ugh, You’re right, who cares? Mm. Get that money out of my back pocket or I will break your fingers.
Scene: The university basement.
Raj: Huh. All this time I never knew there were steam tunnels down here.
Amy: Most universities have them. When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority.
Raj: Did you get in?
Amy: No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores.
Sheldon: Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.
Raj: This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.
Sheldon: Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.
Raj: Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.
Sheldon: All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule?
Amy: Save you first; come back for Raj only if there’s time.
Raj: We’re going to be fine.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this.
Sheldon: Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.
Raj: I’m sweating already.
Sheldon: Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.
Raj: How hot is it?
Sheldon: Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.
Raj: Well, that’s what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.
Sheldon: True. Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry one. Koothrappali’s restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Leonard: Thanks again for having us.
Howard: Oh, of course. What did you guys want to talk about?
Penny: Well, you know, now that we’re engaged, we had some questions about how you handle money as a couple.
Bernadette: I told you they weren’t gonna ask us to swing with them.
Howard: I didn’t think they were going to. I just wanted to have a way to say no without hurting Leonard’s feelings.
Leonard: Well, nailed it.
Howard: So what did you want to know?
Penny: Well, do you guys ever fight over money?
Bernadette: Sure, sometimes. I mean, it can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.
Howard: You didn’t have to say so much more.
Bernadette: Well, I didn’t have to, but for the sake of accuracy I felt that I should.
Howard: I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.
Bernadette: Like what? Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?
Howard: For your information, I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.
Bernadette: Without asking me?
Howard: There were only three minutes left in the auction and it was a mint condition Scotty from a smoke-free home.
Bernadette: How much, Howie?
Howard: Not a lot.
Bernadette: How much?
Howard: Let’s not talk about this in front of our friends.
Bernadette: Was it more or less than falconry school?
Howard: For the tenth time, that was a Groupon.
Leonard: Like I would swing with him.
Scene: The steam tunnel.
Raj: How you feeling?
Sheldon: Good. Little claustrophobic.
Raj: Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it.
Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.
Raj: Do you know any mining songs?
Sheldon: Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.
Rajj: That’s pretty.
Sheldon: Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.
Raj: It’s a little more bleak than I thought.
Sheldon: Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.
Raj: Getting kind of grim.
Sheldon: Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.
Raj: Okay. How ’bout a little Miley Cyrus next?
Sheldon: Who’s he?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Talk about wasted money. What about the late fees on our credit card because somebody didn’t pay the bill on time?
Bernadette: Well, maybe I would have paid it if I wasn’t also doing everything else around here.
Howard: Oh, you’re saying I don’t do anything around here. Look at my chore chart.
Leonard: She made him a chore chart.
Penny: I see it.
Howard: Do the dishes. There’s a star right there.
Bernadette: That was a pity star. Putting water in the roasting pan and leaving it in the sink is not doing the dishes.
Howard: That pan had to soak and you know it.
Bernadette: Well, don’t come crying to me when you don’t get your allowance.
Howard: It’s not an allowance. It’s a stipend, and we said we weren’t gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends.
Leonard: I usually don’t like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.
Scene: The steam tunnel.
Raj: So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don’t have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.
Sheldon: That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?
Raj: But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?
Sheldon: He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.
Amy (shouting): You guys doing okay down there?
Sheldon: I told you to use the walkie-talkie!
Amy (on walkie-talkie): You guys doing okay down there?
Sheldon: Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.
Amy: I’m going to the vending machine. Do you want anything?
Sheldon: This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.
Amy: Okay, just checking.
Raj: We should have asked her to get some Funyuns.
Sheldon: You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.
Raj: What if we brought them down with us?
Sheldon: We’ll take some Funyuns.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.
Rajj: Have her get season two. Season one, it was still finding itself.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Sorry you guys had to see that.
Penny: Oh, don’t apologize.
Leonard: Yeah. It just makes it a lot harder to pretend it never happened.
Bernadette: Money’s a sensitive subject for Howie because of the difference in our income.
Penny: It really bothers him?
Bernadette: Well, sure. There’s still a lot of pressure on guys to be providers. So even though he’s happy for me, it’s just a little tough on him.
Penny: Uh-oh.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Well, if I do well in sales, I could end up making a lot more money than you.
Leonard: Not a problem. I grew up with a mother who emasculated my father financially and in every other aspect of his life, so really, it’s what I think love looks like.
Bernadette: I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go check on him.
Penny: Maybe it’s a good thing we came here. It’s like a lesson in what not to do.
Leonard: Yeah I don’t want something dumb like money to come between us.
Penny: It won’t. Let’s just promise to figure this kind of stuff out before we get married.
Howard (off): Why are you being so bossy?
Bernadette (off): Why are you being a baby?
Howard (off): I’m not a baby. I’m a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where’s my star?
Leonard: Should we go?
Penny: Hang on. I want to see if he gets the star.
Scene: The steam tunnel.
Raj: Oh, this heat is brutal.
Sheldon: As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.
Rajj: Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings.
Sheldon: My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.
Raj: How’s that going?
Sheldon: You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.
Raj: Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop.
Sheldon: We’re not stopping.
Raj: You don’t have to bite my head off.
Sheldon: I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.
Raj: If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable.
Sheldon: My struggle is emotional.
Raj: Oh. Is it Amy?
Sheldon: It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.
Raj: Sheldon, you know what I think of when I’m scared? Voyager.
Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?
Raj: The space probe.
Sheldon: Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.
Raj: By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.
Amy: Sheldon, is everything okay?
Sheldon: It’s too late for Koothrappali. Let’s go.
Amy: 11 minutes. That’s longer than I thought.
Raj (off): They’re in my shirt. They’re in my shirt. They’re in my shirt.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Penny: Okay, this is definitely the most fun thing we can do with the money.
Leonard: I’ve never done it on a big old pile of cash before. Me neither, Leonard. It’s my first time, too.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: I’m so sorry I made you feel bad about the money stuff.
Howard: It’s okay.
Bernadette: No, it’s not okay. I want us to be partners, equals. Adults in a mature relationship.
Howard: I want that, too.
Bernadette: Now, let’s talk about your birthday party.
Howard: Ooh, laser tag, laser tag.
Bernadette: Oh.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Do you really need me to transcribe this?
Sheldon: You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.
Raj: You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats. You’re a completely selfish human being and a, and a physical and a moral coward.
Sheldon: His statements of the obvious continue to annoy.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, what are you working on these days?
Amy: I’m studying one-celled organisms to try and find the neurochemicals that lead to the feeling of shame.
Bernadette: What would a one-celled organism have to be embarrassed about?
Penny: Same as all of us, getting out of a car without underwear.
Bermadette: Speaking of underwear, I have some interesting news.
Penny: Okay, if it’s sometimes Howie wears yours, Leonard already told us.
Bernadette: He was being funny. I’m pretty sure. Anyway, I was asked to be a part of a magazine article about the 50 sexiest female scientists in California. Isn’t that cool?
Amy: I think it’s awful.
Penny: Why would you say that?
Amy: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is check out the rack on that scientist.
Bernadette: Why can’t someone be thought of as both smart and pretty?
Amy: I just don’t think a professional woman should have to flaunt her sexuality in order to get ahead.
Penny: Okay, what’s the big deal? Look, if it helps me make a sale with a physician, I don’t think it hurts to flirt a little. I mean, laugh at their joke, touch their arm, maybe crank up the AC in the car beforehand, you know, to wake up the girls.
Amy: Maybe it’s different in the world of sales, but it’s already hard enough for women to be taken seriously in science.
Bernadette: I was kind of excited about the article, but now you’re making me feel bad.
Penny: No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would’ve become a theoretical physicist. Stop smirking at each other.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The building foyer.
Man with Flowers: Thank you.
Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.
Man: I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.
Sheldon: That’s humorous.
Man: All right.
Sheldon: Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.
Man: All right.
Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.
Man: All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.
Sheldon: Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.
Man: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door.
Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.
Leonard: Great timing, food just got here.
Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce?
Leonard: No, but you can have mine.
Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.
Leonard: What? Why didn’t you say that first?
Sheldon: Why didn’t you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game.
Leonard: Can I help you?
Man: Oh, hi. Uh, does Penny live here?
Leonard: May I ask why?
Man: Well, uh, I met her at my office, she winked at me. And, uh, I came hoping to initiate a romantic relationship.
Leonard: Okay, um, look, I’m pretty sure she didn’t wink at you.
Man: Oh, she did. Seductively, like this. And then she touched my arm for two Mississippis. Like, you know, one Mississippi, two…
Leonard: I got it, I got it. Listen, um, I think there’s been a misunderstanding. See, Penny is my fiancée.
Man: Really? I’ve never seen her wear an engagement ring.
Raj: Really?
Man: So, am I to presume that her flirtation was just a sales technique?
Leonard: I think so.
Man: When will I learn? It’s just like the cute girl at the pet store all over again.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Man: Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You’re a, you’re a lucky man.
Leonard: Thank you. Sorry.
Man: Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic.
Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.
Leonard: He tried to score with Penny.
Sheldon: So have these two, and they’re having dinner with us.
Scene: A bar.
Amy: So, how was work today?
Bernadette: It was fine, but you’ll be happy to know they pulled the sexy scientists article.
Amy: What happened?
Bernadette: I don’t know. They just canceled the photo shoot and said they’re rethinking it.
Amy: Well, I’m really sorry, but I think it’s for the best. You want people focusing on your achievements, not staring at your breasts in some magazine.
Bernadette: I guess. It’s really not that important. Hey, up here.
Amy: Sorry, it’s just we’re, we were talking about them. So, look, I, I wasn’t going to say anything, but since you seem to be okay with the article being canceled, I have a little confession. I’m the reason it was pulled.
Bernadette: What? How?
Amy: I sent the editors of the magazine a pretty scathing e-mail.
Bernadette: Amy, what did you say?
Amy: I simply pointed out that they would never consider doing an article ranking male scientists on their sexuality, let alone showing them in various stages of undress.
Bernadette: Because no one wants to see Neil deGrasse Tyson in a wet T-shirt, bent over the hood of a Porsche.
Amy: Well, it doesn’t make a difference, because they agreed it was in bad taste, and now you agree, so Amy saves the day.
Bernadette: No, what happened was you got jealous, so you took away a chance for me to get some publicity.
Amy: But it was bad publicity.
Bernadette: That’s for me to decide, not you.
Amy: I disagree. As a female scientist, I think what you do affects all of us.
Bernadette: And I think you don’t like people expressing their sexuality because no one wants you to express yours. Oh, Amy, I’m so sorry. That was over the line.
Amy: You have a nice night.
Bernadette: Please don’t go. Up until my vicious attack, you were the one in the wrong.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Here you go, Doctor. Red Zinger with one teaspoon of honey.
Man: Thank you. Neat Star Trek mug. I actually have one of the phasers from the original TV show.
Raj: Oh, cool.
Howard: How’d you get that?
Man: Oh, easy, Gene Roddenberry needed a vasectomy.
Sehldon: Wait a minute. You’ve snipped Gene Roddenberry’s vas deferens?
Man: Yes.
Howard: Wow, he really went where no man has gone before.
Man: I don’t like to brag,but, uh, you see, I’m kind of the doctor to the stars’ urinary tracts.
All: Wow.
Man: Uh, you, you want to see James Cameron’s kidney stone?
All: Ooh.
Man: He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator.
Leonard: That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?
Man: Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn’t really get serious until William Shatner’s bladder infection.
Sheldon: What’d you get? What’d you get?
Man: Well, he said it was a tribble. It could be a toupee, but either way, it’s pretty cool.
Raj: I would love to see your collection.
Man: Anytime. Uh, I’ve got some cool stuff. When I first started, I thought it would be a good way to meet women, but, well, you know.
Howard: We know.
Raj: Preach.
Man: Can I ask you a personal question?
Leonard: Sure.
Man: Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?
Leonard: Oh. Well, you know, just being myself, really.
Sheldon: Oh, please, you know, I’ll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection. And she was a urethra that could not shake him.
Leonard: I don’t know that I’d call myself an infection.
Howard: A gallant man would defend his fiancée for being called a urethra.
Leonard: Can we please change the subject?
Penny: Hi.
Raj: Well, that didn’t go your way.
Penny: Dr. Lorvis, what are you doing here?
Dr Lorvis: Uh, well, actually I came to see you.
Penny: Really? Why?
Leonard: Ah, that’s a good question. Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available.
Sheldon: Oh, God. Don’t make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.
Penny: Oh, this is very embarrassing. Dr. Lorvis, I am so sorry. I did not mean to lead you on.
Dr Lorvis: You touched my arm for two Mississippis.
Penny: Oh. That’s why you were mumbling Mississippi.
Leonard: Can we talk in private?
Penny: Please, yes.
Leonard: I’ll be right back.
Sheldon: So what other celebrity genitalia have you handled?
Leonard: So, uh, what’s the deal? You take off your ring when you go to work?
Penny: What? No, no, I just put it on the other hand and turn it around. Keep that hand in my pocket.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Well, what do you mean why? Look, I make more sales if these doctors think I’m single. I did the same kind of thing as a waitress. The real question is, what is he doing in your apartment?
Leonard: Oh, he was upset. So Sheldon invited him in for a hot beverage.
Penny: You were okay with that?
Leonard: No. I got upset. And Sheldon made me a beverage, too.
Penny: Okay, he just showed up at my door. Don’t you think that’s a little weird?
Leonard: A little, but he’s basically harmless. He’s actually kind of a nice guy.
Penny: Okay. Whatever, look, my company does not allow me to socialize with doctors outside of work. You got to get rid of him.
Leonard: Why am I the one that has to get rid of him?
Penny: I can’t do it, he’s my best client.
Leonard: All right, I’ll get rid of him. But you owe me one.
Raj: Hey, we’re going to Oliver’s house to see his collection. You want to go with us?
Leonard: Yeah, sure. You owe me.
Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.
Leonard: Oh, my God.
Sheldon: Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it’s in the basement of a urologist’s house in Sherman Oaks.
Dr Lorvis: Welcome to my Fortress of Solitude. This is where I go to get away from all my other solitude.
Howard: Oh, come on. It’s a replica.
Dr Lorvis: Original.
Howard: Oh, I think I just cheated on my wife.
Raj: The gun from Hellboy?
Dr Lorvis: Yup.
Raj: How did you get it?
Dr Lorvis: Bought it at auction.
Raj: Oh, I was hoping for a juicy tidbit about Ron Perlman’s testicles.
Woman’s voice (off): Oliver, I’m going to play bingo.
Dr Lorvis: Okay, Mother. Have fun.
Howard: Still lives with his ma. Yikes, right?
Raj: Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond.
Leonard: Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid.
Sheldon: Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?
Leonard: No, because I liked it.
Sheldon: Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.
Dr Lorvis: So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny.
Sheldon: Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.
Dr Lorvis: So, you think she’ll be single soon?
Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.
Dr Lorvis: Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something.
Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I’m still upset about that peanut sauce.
Scene: The lobby.
Dr Lorvis: Oh, could you hold the door?
Amy: Nice flowers.
Dr Lorvis: Thank you. They’re for a girl. Uh, I’m being implacable and relentless.
Amy: Isn’t she lucky?
Dr Lorvis: She keeps sending me mixed signals. But I think we both want the same thing.
Amy: What’s that?
Dr Lorvis: Unconditional love.
Amy: I guess that’s all anybody wants.
Dr Lorvis: I guess so.
Amy: Well, I hope you get it.
Dr Lorvis: One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.
Leonard: Next game, let’s switch helmets.
Sheldon: No, I’d look silly in that helmet.
Scene: The stairwell.
Amy: I can’t take these.
Dr Lorvis: Why not? I mean, you want what I want. And we had two wonderful Mississippis.
Amy: But what about the other girl?
Dr Lorvis: Oh, right. I’ll tell her we should just be friends.
Penny: Dr. Lorvis?
Dr Lorvis: Penny, we should just be friends. Happy?
Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.
Raj: You think he bites?
Howard: Stick your head in there and find out.
Raj: You fooled me with that goat at the petting zoo. You will not fool me again.
Leonard: I wonder where Dr. Lorvis is. He’s been gone a while.
Raj: Maybe he’s playing bingo with his mommy.
Howard: It’s sad how some guys can’t cut the apron strings.
Raj: Okay, now you’re messing with me.
Leonard: Uh, guys, we’re locked in here.
Sheldon: Oh, this day just keeps getting better.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, you just left them alone playing games in your house?
Dr Lorvis: Well, they seemed happy and I thought that would give me time for you and I to get to know each other better. That was before we met.
Amy: We all have a past.
Penny: Doc, you’ve got to see what you’re doing is, is a little creepy.
Dr Lorvis: You sound just like Sigourney Weaver when I followed her into a restroom.
Penny: Okay, you can’t just go chasing after every girl who’s nice to you.
Dr Lorvis: Well, that’s not what Sheldon says. And he seems to know his way around the ladies.
Penny (on phone): Hey, Leonard. Guess who’s back. Dr. Lorvis. Yeah. You care to join us? What? You locked them in your basement?
Dr Lorvis: Well, they’re, they’re not locked in. The door just sticks.
Penny: Okay, so how do they unstick it?
Dr Lorvis: They’d need the key.
Penny: Okay. Nope. That’s it. We are gonna go over there right now, and you are going to let them out.
Dr Lorvis: Three Mississippi, four Mississippi.
Penny: Move it.
Scene: The foyer.
Bernadette: Oh, good, you’re here. Amy, I am so sorry.
Amy: That has to wait. This weirdo locked the guys up in his basement.
Bernadette: What?
Dr Lorvis: She seems nice. Who’s she?
Penny: Just walk.
Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.
Sheldon: You can do this.
Raj: One ladder left.
Leonard: Oh-hom yeah.
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: Next level.
Penny: Leonard, are you okay?
Leonard: Better than okay. I am having the game of my life.
Amy: Dr. Lorvis, isn’t there something you want to say?
Dr Lorvis: Yes. I’m very sorry for locking you in my home.
Howard: Yeah, that was very uncool. Get the hammer. Get the hammer.
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: Okay, Leonard, let’s go.
Leonard: Just hang on.
Dr Lorvis: Well, while we wait, would you like to see Tobey Maguire’s prostate sonogram?
Amy: Sure.
Penny: Yeah.
Dr Lorvis: Oh, spoiler alert. He was worried about nothing.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Oh, hey, oh, we ran into your mom at Benihana last night.
Howard: Oh, yeah, she loves that place. Every time they flip a shrimp in the air, she practically leaps out of her seat to catch it. That’s why I don’t take her to SeaWorld.
Leonard: I know you-you don’t want to hear it, but she was there with Stuart.
Howard: That’s fine. I don’t care.
Rajj: It doesn’t bug you when they go out on dates?
Howard: They’re not dating. They’re just two friends who went out to dinner.
Raj: And then went back to the home they share where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins.
Howard: Hey, lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren’t dating.
Raj: Like who?
Howard: Like you and your dog.
Leonard: Don’t rule out the dating.
Howard: Fine, it bothers me. You happy?
Sheldon: You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.
Howard: How is this helpful?
Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.
Leonard: But the gibbon doesn’t know what it’s categorized as. It doesn’t even know it’s called a gibbon.
Sheldon: True. Sorry, kid, you’ve got it worse than a gibbon.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s Apartment.
Amy: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: We brought snacks for movie night.
Penny: Oh, great. I don’t suppose you also brought napkins, clean bowls, utensils and a roll of toilet paper.
Bernadette: Right here.
Penny: Ah, You guys are the best.
Amy: What’s with the clothes?
Penny: Well, with all the new stuff I bought for work, I needed to make room in my closet.
Amy: I meant why are they folded? But whatever. Ooh, what’s this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, is my prom dress.
Bernadette: Wow, you still have it? I just assumed it was balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Bernadette: Slutty.
Amy: Easy.
Penny: The word is popular.
Bernadette: How was your prom? Did you go?
Amy: No, but I was on clean-up crew.
Penny: Aw, that’s sad.
Amy: No, it was okay. The DJ let me dance one slow song with my mop before he shut down. Whenever I see a bucket of dirty water, I still hear Lady in Red.
Bernadette: My prom was pretty terrible, too. I was so excited about my date, but it turned out he only asked me ’cause he liked my friend. He spent the whole night talking about her.
Amy: Okay, we get it, you had a friend and a date. Stop bragging.
Penny: Doesn’t matter. Prom is silly anyways.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say; you probably went with the captain of the football team.
Penny: No. I just made out with him a little while his date was puking.
Amy: My date would’ve had to clean that up.
Bernadette: Ooh, I have an idea. Maybe we can have, like, a prom do-over.
Amy: Oh, that would be so much fun. We could decorate the roof and make the guys wear tuxedos.
Bernadette: Ooh, and get our hair done, and slow-dance.
Penny: Okay, guys, trust me, as someone who’s been to, like, seven proms, it is never as good as you want it to be.
Amy: You went to seven proms?
Penny: Yeah, let’s see. Uh, four Under the Seas, two Enchanted Evenings, and one Night to Remember that I cannot remember for the life of me.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, where’s Bernadette?
Howard: She and Amy are out dress shopping for their prom thing.
Raj: Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I’ve wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I’m back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing’s been a real roller coaster.
Howard: Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.
Raj: Did you go to your prom?
Sheldon: No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms…
Penny: Okay, okay.
Shldon: …of AP Calculus.
Raj: How come you’re not shopping with Amy and Bernadette?
Leonard: Let me guess, you think the whole idea is lame?
Penny: Well, who cares what I think? What do you think?
Leonard: Hmm, to be honest, it’s kind of a dream come true to go to even a fake prom with a woman as beautiful as you.
Penny: Ugh, thanks a lot.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Well, now I can’t blow this thing off without being a bitch.
Raj: That sounds like a yes.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Ooh, every single person RSVP’d yes. This is so exciting. Isn’t this exciting?
Howard: Yep.
Bernadette: Look, even Stuart’s bringing a date. I wonder who it is.
Howard: You know exactly who it is. He’s gonna bring my mom. Why did you even invite him?
Bernadette: Because he’s our friend, and you two need to get along. And why can’t he take your mom? You took her to your prom.
Howard: I didn’t take her, she was a chaperone.
Bernadette: I saw a picture of you two dancing together.
Howard: What was I gonna do? They were playing our song. I can’t take this anymore.
Stuart (on phone): Hello.
Howard: Stuart, we have to talk. This thing with you and my mom, I hate it. It’s making me crazy. You and I were friends for years, and now you’re bringing my mother to a party I’m going to? What the hell?
Stuart: I’m not bringing your mother, I have a date.
Howard: Oh, so now you’re cheating on my mother?
Stuart: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? There’s nothing weird going on with me and your mother.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, your bath is getting cold!
Stuart: I got to go, bye.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: You knocked more than usual.
Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.
Penny: Okay, what’s up?
Sheldon: I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.
Penny: Great, how?
Sheldon: We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Penny: Okay, just one question. What?
Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.
Penny: Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: You know, if you’re not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.
Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on.
Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him.
Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.
Leonard: There, perfect.
Sheldon: What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.
Leonard: I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien.
Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.
Leonard: Was that a flask?
Sheldon: Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.
Leonard: You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch?
Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.
Leonard: If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.
Leonard: And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to.
Sheldon: Why would you say that?
Leonard: You know, ’cause, ’cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.
Sheldon: Penny implied the same thing. Is this true?
Leonard: Just relax, it’s a joke. You don’t have hormones.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Wow, you look amazing.
Penny: Thank you, so do you.
Amy: Sheldon, you look so handsome.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Sheldon, doesn’t Amy look hot? That’s got to put some starch in the upper flermin.
Amy: What’s that?
Leonard: Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Amy: Where are you going?
Sheldon: I can’t do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn’t grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.
Leonard: He’s right, I was thinking of the lower flermin.
Scene: A limo.
Raj: Ooh, I’ll, uh, text Stuart, let him know we’re close.
Bernadette: That’s a neat tattoo.
Emily: Oh, thanks, it’s Sally from Nightmare before Christmas.
Bernadette: Aw, that movie’s so cute.
Howard: Do you like her because you both have red hair?
Emily: Uh, a little, but more that she’s covered in scars and can pull her own limbs off and sew them back on.
Bernadette: I like Cinderella.
Emily: Did you know, in the original book, the sisters cut off their toes with knives in order to fit in the glass slipper?
Bernadette: I like Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.
Raj: Hey, here comes Stuart and his date.
Emily: Oh, she’s cute.
Howard: Oh, my God.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: That’s Jeanie.
Bernadette: That’s Jeanie?
Emily: Who’s Jeanie?
Howard: Don’t say it.
Raj: That’s Howard’s cousin that he had sex with.
Howard: She is my second cousin. We were 15, I just said, don’t say it.
Emily: No, it’s okay. He told me that story a long time ago.
Howard: Raj.
Raj: It was our first date, there was an awkward silence. What was I supposed to say?
Scene: The rooftop.
Penny: Oh, it’s beautiful.
Leonard: Oh, the girls really did a nice job.
Penny: Aw, I know I wasn’t into this before, but I’m so glad I get to take you to your first prom.
Leonard: What makes you think I didn’t go to my prom? I went.
Penny: Well, who’d you go with?
Leonard: I took a little lady I like to call loneliness.
Penny: Aw.
Leonard: Oh, it’s all right. We ended up having a threesome with her friend humiliation, so…
Penny: Well, if I would have been there and saw you alone, I would’ve asked you to dance.
Leonard: No, you wouldn’t have.
Penny: Well, you don’t know that.
Leonard: It was before my growth spurt.
Penny: What, that already happened?
Leonard: Very funny.
Penny: Well, you wouldn’t have asked me either.
Leonard: I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.
Amy: You’re making me worry. What’s going on?
Sheldon: What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.
Amy: What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?
Sheldon: It’s not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I’m not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.
Sceme: The limo.
Stuart: So, I met Jeanie at your Aunt Gladys’. She passed me the Manischewitz, I took one look at this punim, and I almost plotzed on the kugel.
Rajj: Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
Howard: So, my mother’s okay with this?
Jeannie: Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
Howard: ‘Cause they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
Jeannie: Weirder than what you and I did in my dad’s Corolla?
Raj: This is so messed up.
Emily: I know, I’m having the best time.
Howard: Why would you even come to this? Didn’t you know I’d be here?
Jeannie: It was a long time ago, Howard.
Stuart: And you’re only second cousins, who cares?
Bernadette: So, you knew and you brought her anyway?
Stuart: Oh, so she’s good enough for Howard, but not for me?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah, go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.
Howard: Yeah.
Scene: The rooftop.
Penny: Well, I might not have asked you to dance then, but I will ask you now.
Leonard: There’s no music.
Penny: I don’t care. We’ll make our own music.
Leonard: My God, who’s the dork now? Thank you for wearing your flats.
Penny: Thank you for wearing your heels.
Leonard: Look at me. Dancing with the prettiest girl at the prom.
Penny: Want to take a picture of us and send it to your old friends in the chess club?
Leonard: I sent them a bikini shot of you years ago. This is nice. I kind of wish no one else was coming.
Penny: I know, me, too. But it will be fun to have a prom without all the drama.
Scene: The limo.
Bernadette: Howie, get off of him.
Howard: Not until he stops humping his way up my family tree.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedrooom.
Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. I’m not missing another prom. I’m going upstairs now. Good-bye.
Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.
Amy: You did?
Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.
Amy: Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together.
Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?
Amy: I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.
Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.
Amy: Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates…
Sheldon: I love you, too.
Amy: You said it.
Sheldon: There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn’t mean girls are allowed in my room.
Scene: The rooftop.
Raj: Okay. Here we go, say cheese. Iskip) Say cheese. Iskip) Say cousin. Iskip) Say…
Stuart: Oh, sorry. Hang on, sorry. (On phone) Hey, Debbie. I, yeah, yeah, I’m here with Jeanie. Okay, but we’re just friends. It’s, yeah. I got to go.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy.
Sheldon: Me.
Amy: Come on, he’s an under-appreciated genius.
Sheldon: Still think it’s me.
Amy: It’s not you. Now think, there’s a car named after him.
Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.
Amy: How about this, he’s a poor man’s Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, Tesla.
Penny: Hi.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hey, how did it go?
Leonard: Oh, not fun. The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses.
Penny: Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.
Amy: Did they figure out what’s wrong?
Leonard: Yeah. It’s a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He’s gonna do it next week.
Sheldon: Why would you have surgery?
Leonard: Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.
Penny: Yeah, back off, he’s all mine.
Sheldon: But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?
Amy: Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring.
Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story.
Sheldon: Very well. I’m done talking about it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: I believe it was your turn in the game.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.
Leonard: I think you could give a better clue.
Sheldon: I don’t. I’m not even sure if that’s a person or a typo.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: Okay, why?
Sheldon: I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.
Leonard: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman?
Sheldon: Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?
Leonard: What’s your problem?
Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.
Leonard: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest.
Sheldon: I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.
Leonard: I told you, there’s nothing to worry about.
Sheldon: Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.
Leonard: Buddy, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don’t die?
Sheldon: I suppose that’s true. You’re such a glass half-full kind of guy. I’m going to miss that.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Oh, so, my, uh, parents’ 40th anniversary’s coming up and I can’t think of a thing to get them.
Howard: Damn, can you imagine being married to someone for 40 years?
Bernadette: Not anymore.
Raj: Anyway, any ideas on a gift?
Bernadette: Well, what are some of the things they like?
Raj: They used to like going to the Mumbai Symphony, but last year my mom thought they were phoning it in. Then my dad said based on their love life, she should know about phoning it in.
Bernadette: He said that to her?
Raj: Well, they weren’t speaking at the time, so he had a servant say it to her. Oh, maybe I could make a gift for them. I know how much you guys love the coasters I made for you.
Bernadette: They’re yours in the divorce.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey. What’re you working on?
Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.
Leonard: Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on.
Sheldon: Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?
Leonard: I’m not allergic to latex.
Sheldon: Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?
Leonard: For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net.
Sheldon: Fine. What about epilepsy?
Leonard: I don’t have epilepsy, either.
Sheldon: You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery?
Sheldon: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.
Leonard: Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die.
Sheldon: You don’t know that.
Leonard: Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike.
Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.
Leonard: If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die, too?
Sheldon: I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.
Leonard: Tell you what, the surgery’s not for a week, I’ll think about it.
Sheldon: Thank you. And while you’re thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (on phone): Yes. Okay. I, I understand. Of course, yes. I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.
Howard: So I found this fencing school in Burbank that has a Jedi class. And if you’re cool being the only adults there, they said they are.
Raj: Dude, my parents just split up.
Howard: What?
Raj: Uh, that was my dad on the phone. He moved out.
Howard: Oh, my God, I, I’m sorry. I mean, if you’re not up to it, we don’t have to go out, we can just hang here.
Raj: No, it’s fine. It’s not that big a deal. As long as they’re happy, I’m happy. And when I get to see them for the holidays, I’ll get to celebrate Diwali twice, one at each house. That’s double the Diwali.
Howard: You sure you’re okay?
Raj: I’m okay.
Howard: You don’t look okay.
Raj: How can I be okay? I come from a broken home.
Scene: A waiting room.
Leonard: The doctor said I should be out of surgery by ten.
Penny: Okay. And Sheldon really believes we’re at a public swimming pool?
Leonard: He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be floating around in, he didn’t even question it.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Sheldon: 18 parts per million. And he’s still doing it.
Amy: Don’t worry about that. I’m happy to take you to work.
Sheldon: Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.
Amy: It’s nice they’re getting exercise.
Sheldon: Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.
Amy: I’m sure he brought it.
Sheldon: No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.
Amy: He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it.
Sheldon: You’re acting odd. Why?
Amy: I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth.
Sheldon: Tell me the truth.
Amy: Twenty eight.
Sheldon: Come on.
Amy: Fifty six.
Sheldon: Amy. What’s going on?
Amy: All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now.
Sheldon: I see. Take me to Leonard.
Amy: Just go to work, he’ll be fine.
Sheldon: Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.
Amy: Fine. It’s sweet that you care about him so much.
Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.
Scene: The waiting room.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: We had a really nice swim.
Sheldon: Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.
Penny: ‘Cause I’m a liar, liar?
Sheldon: That’s for the fire marshal to determine.
Penny: You had to tell him?
Amy: He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today.
Sheldon: Is he okay?
Penny: He’s still in surgery.
Sheldon: Very well.
Penny: He’s gonna be all right. That is sticky.
Amy: Come on, let’s talk about something other than the surgery.
Sheldon: That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?
Penny: I think she meant something a little happier.
Sheldon: I suppose we could try to make it a celebration, but he died so young.
Scene: Raj’s office.
Howard: Knock, knock.
Bernadette: Hi.
Raj: Hey. What brings you by?
Bernadette: Oh, muffin much.
Howard: Told you, not funny.
Bernadette: He’s just not laughing because he’s feeling blueberry. Tough crowd.
Raj: I’m sorry. This is very sweet. Thanks.
Howard: So, how you doing?
Raj: Better. I guess the news just hit me a lot harder than I expected.
Bernadette: Well, of course. I would be devastated if my parents split up.
Howard: Why? Your father barely speaks to your mother.
Bernadette: Well, at least he stuck around, not like your dad, who just took off.
Howard: As you can see, we’re here to cheer you up.
Bernadette: Sorry, Raj. Do you have any sense of what happened with your folks?
Raj: I think, over time, they started to resent each other, and instead of talking about the things that bothered them, they kept it bottled up, and the hate just grew.
Bernadette: It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there’s muffin you can do about it. You get it, right?
Scene: The waiting room.
Penny: Oh, it’s nice you got him that.
Sheldon: Oh, this isn’t for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me.
Amy: Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in.
Sheldon: You know those confounded things make me dizzy.
Amy: Who told you to keep going around?
Sheldon: There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside.
Penny: Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.
Amy: Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.
Amy: And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.
Penny: Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass.
Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.
Penny: Really? You won’t even say A?
Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won’t.
Penny: Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.
Sheldon: And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.
Penny: Sheldon, it was just a little tremor.
Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.
Amy: Sheldon, you can’t go back there.
Sheldon: Try and stop me.
Amy: Are you okay?
Sheldon: Why didn’t you stop me?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Can I tell you something? This whole thing with Raj’s parents just got me a little worried about us.
Howard: What are you talking about? We’re fine. And Raj’s parents probably split up because of Raj.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: They always say the children aren’t to blame, but, come on.
Bernadette: I’m not joking, Howie. You heard what he said about his parents. It was the little things they kept bottled up. I don’t want that to happen to us.
Howard: How can I convince you it won’t?
Bernadette: Well, is there anything about me you’re keeping inside?
Howard: I’m not answering that. It’s a trap.
Bernadette: So there are things you don’t like.
Howard: And here I am in the trap. You just keep talking. I’m gonna chew my leg off.
Bernadette: Just tell me one thing that bothers you, and I promise I won’t get mad.
Howard: Okay. The truth is, sometimes, you’re too beautiful.
Bernadette: Oh. Howie, be serious.
Howard: Okay, okay. I really don’t like how your wings poke me when we sleep ’cause you’re an angel.
Bernadette: Okay, fine, maybe it was a bad idea.
Howard: I just don’t think the secret to a happy marriage is going out of our way to criticize each other. Although, there are ways to improve our communication. One thing I learned when I was in couples therapy was…
Bernadette: Who were you in couples therapy with?
Howard: Not important.
Bernadette: Was it your mom?
Howard: Not important.
Bernadette: It was your mom.
Howard: Anyway, the therapist had us tell each other what we loved about one another.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s so sweet. I want to do that.
Howard: All right.
Bernadette: Okay, um, I love that you make me laugh.
Howard: Thank you. And I love that you’re strong and independent.
Bernadette: And yet, I still love when you hold a door for me.
Howard: I love that I’m kind of a slob around here, and you’re okay with that.
Bernadette: Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you’re okay with that.
Howard: See, I am. Isn’t this great?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Come on, smile. This is gonna be my Christmas card.
Sheldon: You know this is all your fault.
Leonard: How is it my fault?
Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.
Leonard: Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn’t even want you there.
Sheldon: Wow. I don’t know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I’m done speaking to you.
Amy: Don’t be like that. You two need to talk this out.
Penny: Yeah, ’cause you sound really funny.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing.
Sheldon: Oh, you’re hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I’m moving out.
Leonard: I never thought I’d say these words, but come on, nose spider.
Penny: Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you’ll never leave him.
Amy: Sheldon will move out eventually.
Penny: Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door.
Sheldon: I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.
Leonard: You were so worried that you smashed your face trying to check on me. You love me.
Sheldon: Yeah. Tell me those aren’t the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you’re a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks, even when I have to pee in the morning, and you’re in there spending an hour on your hair.
Howard: I love that you’re too good to pee in the kitchen sink.
Bernadette: I love that you have the confidence to speak, even without giving it an ounce of thought.
Howard: And I love how your hair is always on the soap. It’s like washing myself with a hamster.
Raj: Hey, guys. Sorry I am so late. I was on the phone with my mother.
Bernadette: Oh, how is she?
Raj: Pretty good. She bought the book Eat, Pray, Love and used it to set my father’s Mercedes on fire. So, what’s up with you guys?
Howard: We’re just saying all the things we love about each other.
Raj: Oh, like you and I did at couples therapy.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Oh, what’d you get?
Sheldon: Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in.
Penny: Okay, that’s morbid. Send it back.
Sheldon: I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.”
Leonard: That’s funny. Boy, I’m gonna miss these painkillers.
Penny: Hey, why did you get two? I’m with stupid.
Sheldon: Oh, that one’s mine.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello. I’m Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?
Amy: I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?
Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.
Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board.
Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end.
Amy: After only 232 episodes.
Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.
Amy: You said you weren’t gonna bring that up.
Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?
Amy: That was a good one.
Sheldon: It was so good.
Credits sequence.
Scene: An office at the university.
Raj: You know, I thought cleaning out a dead professor’s office was gonna just be boring, but then I found his dentures and realized it’s also gross.
Howard: Doesn’t Professor Abbott’s family want any of this stuff?
Leonard: I don’t think he had a family.
Raj: That’s rough.
Leonard: I know. You can spend your whole life working, and at the end all that’s left are some papers in a box.
Howard: Makes you think. Oh, well.
Leonard: Hey. Hey, we’re supposed to look through all this stuff before we throw it away in case it’s important.
Howard: I did. It’s all outdated or disproved.
Raj: I don’t know. This old pen kind of proves gravity. When I tilt it, her bathing suit falls right off.
Howard: Oh, my dad used to have a pen like that. I dated it all through sixth grade.
Leonard: It still feels weird just throwing away his work like this.
Howard: Don’t feel bad. Someday someone will be throwing out your work, too.
Leonard: That someone was Sheldon, and the day was yesterday. Hey, look at this. Dear Roger, to be opened upon your first great discovery. Love, Mom. Wow, look at the date. He saved this fifty years and never got to open it.
Howard: That’s intense.
Raj: Poor Roger Abbott.
Howard: Roger Abbott sounds just like Roger Rabbit.
Raj: Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott. Oh, my God, Leonard, I know he’s dead, but try it. It’s fun. Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott.
Scene: A hotel conference room.
Dan: Penny. Oh, my rookie of the year.
Penny: Oh, Dan. My boss who didn’t want to hire me and now’s a little hug machine.
Dan: Oh, look at you. Brand-new and already the third best sales rep.
Penny: Aw.
Dan: Yes. Why don’t you come over to my table.
Penny: I’ll be right there. Bernadette’s just parking the car.
Dan: Oh, good. Bernadette. Cute, sweet, vicious little Bernadette.
Penny: Come on. She’s not that bad.
Dan: Oh, yeah? At the company picnic she yelled at me and my grandson for losing the three-legged race. I mean, he still calls her that mean kid with the big boobies.
Penny: I know she can be a little intense, but, I swear, she is so sweet once you get past all the…
Bernadette: Hey, what are you talking about?
Penny: Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn’t that right? Dan?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.
Amy: And, yes, even shed a tear or two.
Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.
Amy: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?
Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.
Highlight 1
Sheldon: Crikey, what flag do we have today?
Amy: Australia, mate.
Highlight 2
Sheldon: And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag.
Kripke: Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this.
Highlight 3
Amy: Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on?
Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.
Amy: Then who did sew it, hmm?
Sheldon: Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.
Highlight 4
Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear?
Amy: I do.
Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.
Amy: Wow, that flag is a lifesaver.
Sheldon: No. This is. Stop looking at my legs.
Highlight 5
Kripke: Not a fwag, fwag, fwag, not a fwag. Fwag. Ugh cwap.
Scene: The office.
Raj: When stuff like this gets me down, you know what I like to do?
Howard: Sing Hakuna Matata like an eight-year-old girl?
Raj: Wrong, smarty-pants. It’s Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie.
Leonard: Look at these notebooks. They’re full of pages and pages of data. He clearly spent years on this.
Howard: Mmm. It’s just columns of random numbers. Toss it.
Leonard: Well, but what if this was a potential breakthrough for him? What if, what if this is the thing that would’ve finally let him open that bottle of champagne?
Raj: Maybe he didn’t know what to pair champagne with. Strawberries, caviar, oysters. All good choices. Yeah, that look right there is why people eat before they come to your parties.
Leonard: This has to mean something.
Howard: Well, there’s no discernible pattern that I can see, but it shouldn’t be too hard to run the numbers and check.
Leonard: Well, maybe we can get some time on the supercomputer.
Howard: Sure. We could try multiple regressions with varying physical and experimental constants.
Leonard: Oh, we could run a pattern-matching algorithm against well-known unsolved physics problems.
Howard: Ooh, it might be a substitution cipher. We could start with basic cryptanalysis.
Raj: Or we could talk to this guy he used to share an office with.
Howard: Oh, let’s do that.
Leonard: Because you don’t know how to do cryptanalysis, do you?
Howard: Yeah, I’m not even sure if it’s the right word.
Scene: The conference room.
Penny: So, Dan, you have a grandson. How old is he?
Dan: Seven.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah. I remember him from the picnic. He was the one crying like a wuss the whole time.
Penny: I heard he was being picked on by a mean kid.
Bernadette: Just builds character. Like my dad said, nobody likes a crybaby except their mommies and Democrats.”
Dan: I need another drink.
Bernadette: What’s his problem?
Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t like the fact that you called his grandson a wuss.
Bernadette: Well, I didn’t think you were supposed to say sissy anymore.
Penny: Okay, look, I know what a good person you are, but sometimes people think you might come off a little harsh.
Bernadette: What? I’m, like, the sweetest person I know. Look at me. I should be in a tree baking cookies.
Penny: Yes, but once in a while, people think you’re a little mean.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah? You one of those people?
Penny: No. No, no, no. I think the cookie thing.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Action.
Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal.
Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information.
LeVar: While?
Sheldon: While you watch me do it.
LeVar: Great. Happy to be back.
Sheldon: Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.
LeVar: Oh, hell, no.
Sheldon: You heard him, Leonard. No, it’s not racist.
Scene: An apartment building.
Howard: Are we sure this is the place?
Raj: The doorman said this is the right building.
Leonard: I think if you’re pulling up your pants, you’re not a doorman. (Knocks)
Man (off): Who is it?
Leonard: Uh, I’ve been looking for a Professor Sharpe?
Prof Sharpe: Hold on. Can I help you?
Leonard: Hi. We’re from the university. We’re trying to get some information about Professor Abbott.
Howard: We were cleaning out his office and found these books full of numbers.
Leonard: Any chance you know what it is?
Prof Sharpe: Yes, he was always working on this.
Raj: I was thinking it might be some sort of interstellar coordinate system, maybe an updated version of Hubble’s law. I keep seeing the number 90 repeating. That could be the angle of perturbation of a distant galaxy.
Prof Sharpe: It’s the number of calories in a yoghurt. That’s his food diary.
Leonard: Really?
Prof Sharpe: Yeah, he wrote down everything he ever ate. He was convinced that calorie restriction was the key to living forever.
Raj: Does it work?
Howard: Seriously?
Raj: Well, he could have been hit by a bus. You don’t know.
Prof Sharpe: Sorry it’s not more interesting. On the bright side, you didn’t have to listen to his stomach growl for 35 years.
Leonard: So, was there anything that Professor Abbott worked on during his life that came close to an accomplishment?
Prof Sharpe: To be honest, his research never amounted to anything.
Raj: You were his colleague. How did your research turn out? Great. Hey, this is the apartment you get when you win a Nobel.
Raj: Well, you could be very frugal. I’m getting a little tired of everybody’s sarcasm.
Scene: The conference room.
Bernadette: I’m not a bully. I mean, maybe I come off a little strong, but that’s only because my dad raised me to be tough and not to take crap from anybody.
Penny: No. That’s fine, but there’s a difference between being tough and telling your friend her new pants look like a saggy diaper.
Bernadette: I did say that, didn’t I?
Penny: Yeah, you did. I felt so self-conscious, I had to return them.
Bernadette: Where? To Babies R Us?
Penny: You’re doing it again.
Bernadette: Okay, sorry. Can we just go? I feel like everybody hates me.
Penny: Oh, come on, they don’t hate you, all right? They’re just a little intimidated. All you need to do is show everyone how sweet you really are.
Bernadette: I think I’d rather go.
Penny: No, come on. You are not going anywhere, all right? I am here for you, and we are gonna fix this together.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Penny: Even though your dress is ugly.
Scene:The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.
Amy: Take that, glass ceiling.
Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.
Amy: Cut. Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon: If you didn’t press record…
Amy: I pressed it.
Scene: The office.
Leonard: Well, that’s it. That’s the end of Roger Abbott.
Raj: And we still don’t know who framed him.
Leonard: I still keep thinking about how an entire life can seemingly amount to nothing.
Howard: I guess the sad truth is, not everyone will accomplish something great. Some of us may just have to find meaning in the little moments that make up life.
Leonard: That’s a nice way of looking at it.
Howard: Yeah for you, not for me. I went to space. I’m covered.
Leonard: You know what? This bottle was meant to celebrate an achievement. Let’s make a pact. When one of us gets their first big breakthrough, we’ll celebrate by opening this bottle of champagne and toasting Professor Abbott.
Howard: I love that.
Raj: Yeah, me, too.
Leonard: Then, of course, rubbing our success in Sheldon’s face.
Raj: Oh, well, that’s the best part.
Howard: Oh, yeah.
Scene: The conference room.
Bernadette: Dan, could I talk to you for a minute?
Dan: Sure, go ahead.
Bernadette: Just want you to know I didn’t mean to be rude about your grandson.
Dan: No, it’s okay.
Bernadette: No, it’s not. Penny told me that everyone’s scared of me.
Dan: What? What? Why would she say that? You know she drinks, right?
Penny: What?
Bernadette: No, she’s right, and I just want you to know that from now on, I’m gonna be much more sensitive. I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells around me.
Dan: Oh, well, okay, then, uh, one thing I’ve been meaning to tell you is that the company is gonna stop paying for our coffee.
Bernadette: No problem. When does that start?
Dan: Five months ago.
Bernadette: What?
Dan: Yeah.
Bernadette: Who’s been paying for my coffee?
Dan: All of us.
Penny: Yeah. It comes from the swear jar we put money in when you curse.
Bernadette: What else don’t I know about?
Penny: Uh, well, you know your private bathroom?
Bernadette: Yeah?
Penny: That was supposed to be for the whole floor.
Bernadette: You’re kidding.
Dan: No, no. It’s okay. It only really affected Wheelchair Kathy, and she’s back in the hospital now, so it all worked out.
Bernadette: I feel so bad.
Penny: Well, then, maybe you shouldn’t have named her Wheelchair Kathy.
Bernadette: Oh, my God. I thought everybody liked me, but I’m just a monster.
Dan: But a cute one, like that, uh, eyeball guy in Monsters, Inc.
Bernadette: No, I’m the worst. I’m a terrible person.
Dan: Come on, don’t cry. It’s okay.
Bernadette: It’s not okay. How can I even work here anymore?
Penny: Because this company needs you.
Dan: It’s fine. We don’t mind paying for the coffee.
Bernadette: I can’t let you do that.
Dan: Maybe we could get you an espresso machine for your office.
Bernadette: I guess that would be all right.
Penny: See? You don’t have to be mean to get what you want.
Bernadette: You’re right. Now where did we land on my bathroom?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: How come you’re up so late?
Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.
Leonard: Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking.
Sheldon: It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.
Leonard: Sad?
Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.
Leonard: Yeah. What did they say?
Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.
Leonard: Congratulations.
Sheldon: Let’s celebrate.
Leonard: Sheldon, that wasn’t for you.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.
Scene: LeVar Burton’s house.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?
LeVar: Ugh. What are you doing here?
Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.
LeVar: Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate.
Sheldon: You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk
about German flags. How do you feel about dressing up like a swastika?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, how are things going with your parents?
Raj; Not great. They hired divorce attorneys.
Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.
Penny: You know what? That was almost on topic. I’m gonna say good job, Sheldon.
Amy: Wait, She-Hulk’s a lawyer?
Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York.
Sheldon: Yes, but she’s the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she’s an affirmative action hire.
Raj: Anyway, Dad’s gonna be here in town, so I won’t be able to do Christmas dinner this year.
Amy: If you’re not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I’m happy to do it. You can even bring your father.
Raj: That would be nice.
Amy: I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding.
Sheldon: Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.
Amy: You’re going.
Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don’t hate you. I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.
Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-giving.
Bernadette: I think a Victorian Christmas sounds nice.
Howard: I agree.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: Me, too.
Raj: You guys suck.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The University clean room.
Leonard: You know the best part of working in the clean room? No allergies. Check it out. Oh, that, that, that’s a lot of oxygen.
Howard: We should get going to Amy’s.
Leonard: Can you believe there was a time when we would have needed an array of giant Cherenkov telescopes to detect cosmic particles? And here we are building our own multi-wire detector like a couple of badasses.
Howard: I know. If we were still single, we’d be tripping over all that booty.
Leonard: Ladies do love a man dressed like a kitchen garbage bag. Oh, no.
Howard: How the hell did a pigeon get in here?
Leonard: You shut the loading doors, right?
Howard: I thought you did.
Leonard: Do you know what a disaster this is?
Howard: You mean ’cause this room isn’t supposed to have dust in it, and we just let in a flying crap machine?
Leonard: What do we do? Should we call someone?
Howard: And tell them that we compromised all the equipment? Let’s just get it out of here before anyone knows.
Leonard: Okay, how do we catch it?
Howard: Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one, and it’ll come to it.
Leonard: It’s not a moth.
Howard: Don’t yell at me. You’re not gonna get any good ideas out of me if you’re yelling.
Leonard: Okay, so if I remain calm, I’ll get more gems like turn off the lights?
Howard: Great, we’re turning on each other. That’s just what the bird wants us to do.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Penny: So, Dr. Koothrappali, long flight?
Dr Koothrappali: Twenty hours.
Penny: Oh, that’s rough.
Dr Koothrappali: Not at all. Did you know that when you fly transcontinental without your wife, you don’t pray for the plane to crash?
Raj: Can we please talk about anything else?
Dr Koothrappali: Forgive me. How are you and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, great. Everything’s good.
Dr Koothrappali: I see you got engaged.
Penny: Yes, we did.
Dr Koothrappali: Let me tell you a story.
Raj: Dad.
Dr Koothrappali: Sorry. I’m sure you won’t grow to hate each other.
Raj (on phone): Hey, Leonard. What’s up? What? How did that happen? Yeah, okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Sorry. I have to run to the university.
Amy: What’s going on?
Raj: There’s been a problem with an experiment. A bird got into the clean room.
Dr Koothrappali: You want me to come?
Raj: Uh, no. You had a long flight. You stay here and relax.
Dr Koothrappali: Relax. Easy for you to say. Your mother isn’t cleaning out your bank account. Forty years, the woman never cleaned a thing.
Penny: You’re just gonna leave him here?
Dr Koothrappali: Relax, he says.
Raj: Yup. Bye.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette (singing): Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins.
Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride.
Bernadette (singing): Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.
Bernadette: Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.
Bernadette: Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.
Bernadette: Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something.
Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.
Bernadette: She’s just excited about the holidays.
Sheldon: Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.
Bernadette: How?
Sheldon: Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.
Bernadette: What?
Sheldon: I’m going to buy her a present.
Bernadette: Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that.
Sheldon: With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.
Bernadette: Then you’re both sad?
Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.
Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present?
Sheldon: That’s right. So stay on my good side, or I’ll get you a little something, too.
Scene: The clean room.
Howard: Okay, here’s the plan. I’m gonna put the food in the bag, and when he lands in the bag to eat it, we close it up.
Leonard: A Slim Jim?
Howard: It’s all I could find. It’ll work.
Leonard: Sure. If the pigeon’s stoned or a trucker.
Howard: Okay, well, what’s your plan?
Leonard: I told you my plan. Let’s call Building Services and get help.
Howard: And admit that we contaminated the clean room?
Leonard: No, admit that you contaminated the clean room.
Howard: Why do you keep assuming it was me?
Leonard: Because you do this kind of thing all the time, and then you try to cover it up.
Howard: Like when?
Leonard: What about when you flipped the Mars Rover, or lost Koothrappali’s dog, or almost drove off with that baby?
Howard: Again, it looked like my car, and the baby didn’t even cry until his mother punched me with her keys.
Leonard: Fine, put the Slim Jim in the garbage bag.
Howard: Well, what if you said it without sounding so condescending?
Leonard: I can try, but your plan has the words garbage bag and Slim Jim in it.
Raj: Hey, what’s going on?
Leonard: Oh. Genius here wants to catch a bird with a garbage bag and a Slim Jim.
Raj: Should have put it in the bag first.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Penny: So, if you don’t mind me asking, do you think you might start dating again?
Dr Koothrappali: It’s much too soon for that. Why? Do you know someone?
Penny: No, but if things don’t work out with me and Leonard, I’ll give you a call. Wait. How much do you talk about Star Trek?
Amy: Okay, let’s get this Victorian party started. I’ve done some research about some traditional parlour games we can play.
Penny: Like what?
Amy: Well, there’s a fun one called Ball of Wool. You take a ball of wool, and you put it right in the centre of the table. Then people sit on opposite sides of the table and try to blow the wool off.
Penny: Sorry. She’s taken, too.
Scene: The clean room.
Howard: You know what I think your problem is? You’re jealous because you and I used to be best friends until Koothrappali came along.
Leonard: And you found somebody you could push around?
Raj: Hey.
Howard: Stay out of this.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: You know, maybe I’m best friends with Raj because he doesn’t think he’s smarter than me.
Raj: Actually.
Howard: I said, stay out of it.
Leonard: No, no, no. No, Raj, go ahead, say what you were gonna say.
Raj: All I’m gonna say is you guys need to stop this right now. It. it’s bad enough that my parents are fighting, now I have to hear the two of you? And who cares who’s smarter? If it’s Leonard or me or, you know, it’s Christmas, let’s say it’s Howard.
Howard: Well, if you’re so smart, you get the bird out.
Raj: No, you’re the one who let him in.
Howard: How do you know it wasn’t Leonard?
Raj: Come on.
Scene: A shopping mall.
Bernadette: What about that sweater?
Sheldon: No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect.
Bernadette: I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me.
Sheldon: Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.
Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her.
Sheldon: I do. Now, let’s find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: You won.
Penny: Certainly doesn’t feel like it, does it?
Dr Koothrappali: You know, my wife used to throw theme parties like this all the time.
Penny: Oh, I guess that’s where Raj gets it from.
Dr Koothrappali: Well, he and his mother spent a lot of time together when he was young. I was always working.
Penny: Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You, you got to laugh at that, right? No? All right.
Scene: Santa’s grotto.
Santa: All right, let me see if I’ve got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
Sheldon: Correct.
Santa: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough.
Sheldon: There’s an argument for that. But I want to make sure.
Photographer: Smile.
Santa: Ho, ho. ho.
Scene: The clean room.
Leonard: Okay. On the count of three, I’ll shoot the fire extinguisher and get him airborne. Howard, you wave the blanket and guide him towards the exit. Raj, you hold open the curtain so he can fly out.
Howard: Are you sure a dummy like me can handle something as complicated as a blanket?
Leonard: Do you want the fire extinguisher?
Howard: Yeah, I do.
Leonard: Great. Here you go.
Howard: Okay. One, two, three.
Raj: Uh, you have to take the pin out.
Leonard: You miss the blanket now, don’t you?
Howard: On three. One, two, three.
Raj: What did you do?
Howard: It was an accident. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Leonard: Relax, it wasn’t your fault.
Howard: Uh, maybe it’s just stunned.
Raj: Dude, it’s not breathing.
Howard: Oh, no. I killed it. Oh, not again.
Raj: What do you mean, not again?
Howard: When I was ten, I was playing in my backyard and sat on a blue jay. I mean, I tried to bring it back to life with electricity, but it just caught on fire. The worst part was it smelled delicious.
Leonard: Uh, guys, I found an article here that says you can do CPR on birds.
Howard: Great. Do it.
Leonard: I’m not doing it. You killed him, you do it.
Raj: I’ll do it.
Howard: No. I need to do it. This is on me.
Leonard: Okay. Mouth over beak and light chest compressions.
Raj: Don’t blow too hard. If you pop him, I will vomit.
Leonard: Anything?
Howard: I am tasting a lot of Slim Jim.
Leonard: Wait, wait, his wing moved.
Howard: Oh, he blinked his eyes. He’s alive.
Raj: It’s a Christmas miracle.
Howard: I might argue a Hanukkah miracle, but I’ll take it. Come on, little guy, let’s get you outside. Get the curtain.
Raj: Someone should really close that loading door.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: Well, that’s that. The room’s compromised. They’ll have to change all the filters, probably shut it down for weeks.
Howard: You were right. Go ahead, call Building Services. Tell them it was my fault.
Leonard: No, we’re both to blame. You know, let me take the heat on this one.
Raj: Yeah, just leave me out of it. You know if they come here and see crap everywhere, they’re just gonna blame the Indian guy.
Leonard (on phone): Hey. I’m sorry, we’re still here. Is everything okay?
Penny: It’s kind of boring. Although it did get exciting for a minute when Amy inhaled a wool ball. How much longer do you think you’ll be?
Leonard: I don’t know. There’s still a bird in here. We are gonna get in a ton of trouble.
Penny: Honey, it’s Christmas Eve. Who even knows you’re in there?
Leonard: No, our names are on the sign-in sheet.
Penny: So erase them and walk out.
Leonard: I can’t do that.
Howard: Can’t do what?
Leonard: She says take our names off the sign-in sheet and leave.
Howard: We can’t do that.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard, Howard and Raj (singing): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Raj: Mmm. Amy, that pudding was delicious.
Sheldon: If you like raisins.
Amy: Thank you. And it’s figs.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, in that case, it was pretty good.
Bernadette: You feeling okay? You hardly touched your goose.
Howard: It smelled too much like blue jay.
Dr Koothrappali: Can I help you clean up?
Amy: Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you’re good.
Sheldon: Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts?
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any.
Leonard: I thought you hate giving gifts.
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.
Amy: You got me something?
Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.
Amy: Look at you on Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet.
Sheldon: Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?
Amy: No, I love it.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.
Amy: Actually, I did get you something.
Sheldon: But what about our agreement?
Amy: Well, you got me something. Here.
Sheldon: Cookies?
Amy: They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.
Sheldon: They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.
Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I can’t believe this. You’re happy, I’m happy. Well, maybe a holiday that’s all about giving isn’t so… Get your hand out of that box.
Scene: The same, later.
Amy: Okay. The next game is called Hot Boiled Beans.
Penny: Of course it is.
Amy: One person is sent out of the room while the others hide a small item. Then they invite the first person back by saying hot boiled beans and bacon for supper, hurry up before it gets cold.
Raj: If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you’re all crazy.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: What colour would you like to be?
Leonard: Well, I’d like to be green, but you know you always take it.
Sheldon: That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.
Leonard: Blue and yellow make green.
Sheldon: Well, then it’s settled.
Penny: Hi. Ready to go?
Sheldon: Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.
Amy: Sheldon, we said that we would play games with you tonight.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we’ll still be playing it tonight, this game can easily take eight hours.
Penny: Sweetie, you really thought I’d want to do this?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Well, did you tell him that?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Did you say it out loud with words?
Leonard: No.
Penny: I don’t want to spend the whole day playing a board game.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories.
Amy: I will literally race you to the car.
Leonard: No, no, no, come on, don’t leave. Just try it.
Penny: No. We’re always doing what you guys want. Just once, it’d be nice if you did something we wanted.
Sheldon: You want to be green?
Leonard: You know, they really have tried to like a lot of the same stuff we’re into.
Penny: Yeah, we do game nights and video game nights and we watch movies with director’s commentary.
Amy: Oh, my favourite, George Lucas can talk all the way through Star Wars, I say one word and I’m banished to the kitchen.
Penny: Yeah, today Amy and I are deciding what we’re all gonna do.
Leonard: You got it, you girls are in charge.
Penny: Thank you.
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Fine. Now that we’re not playing, you can be green.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: And since you’re green this time, I can be it next time.
Penny: All right, let’s see. What’s something fun the guys would never take us to do? Oh, I know, we could go horseback riding.
Amy: I actually can’t. My hips don’t open wider than 22 degrees. I rode a very thin pony once. On the first bump, just popped right off.
Penny: All right, well, what do you want to do?
Amy: There’s a craft and folk art museum on Wilshire.
Penny: Well, that’s Wilshire’s problem. Come on, you know, there, there’s got to be something fun we could do that the guys will hate.
Leonard: Hang on, why do we have to hate it?
Penny: Three words, Doctor Who convention.
Leonard: I did not force you to go to that.
Penny: You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn’t get beat up.
Leonard: I wasn’t gonna get beat up.
Penny: You were, but somehow I held myself back.
Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.
Leonard: Now you’re helping them find ways to make us miserable?
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, I’m a problem-solver, it’s what I do.
Amy: I actually can’t go ice-skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.
Penny: Is there any part of your body that’s normal?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Howard: Will you please relax?
Raj: I can’t take it, dude.
Bernadette: You okay?
Raj: No, I’m not okay. I feel like I’m gonna jump out of my skin.
Bernadette: I told you not to wax down there. It’s itchy when it grows back.
Raj: I’m worried about the New Horizons space probe.
Bernadette: What’s he talking about?
Howard: Nine years ago he was part of a team that launched a spacecraft to collect data about Pluto, and it’s finally close enough, so this morning it turned itself on.
Raj: We hope. The signal has to travel over three billion miles. So it’s gonna be hours before we know if it even survived.
Howard: Now we get to see him flip out because he’s worried it was demolished by space ice.
Raj: Space ice is no joke. I can’t even watch Frozen anymore.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Ooh, the philharmonic is playing Beethoven downtown.
Sheldon: Before you say yes, it’s not the movie about the big dog.
Penny: How come we can’t think of something we both want to do?
Amy: Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.
Leonard: Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy.
Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.
Leonard: That’s what I was doing.
Sheldon: Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?
Penny: All right, keep thinking.
Sheldon: You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?
Leonard: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Well, then, it’s settled?
Amy: What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect.
Penny: It does, somehow he managed to take all the fun out of it.
Sheldon: Well, once again, it’s what I do.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Oh, another two hours to go. The wait is killing me.
Howard: I know. I get it. When I was in the Soyuz capsule returning from the space station, plummeting toward Earth at 17,000 miles per hour…
Raj: Before you finish, is this a story about patience and waiting or just another reminder that you went to space?
Howard: A story can do two things.
Raj: Ugh, I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack.
Howard: You work in pharmaceuticals, don’t you have anything you can give him?
Bernadette: All I have is our new urine flow drug. Won’t help with his anxiety, but it’s so strong, when he pees he’ll fly around the room like he’s got a jet pack.
Raj: I can’t stop thinking about it.
Bernadette: You know, worrying won’t have any effect on what happens.
Raj: I know.
Howard: Maybe you need to do something more productive.
Raj: Okay. If I make this shot in the trash can, the probe will have arrived in perfect working order.
Howard: So, in addition to being crazy, you’re resting the fate of the mission on your athletic prowess.
Raj: Yes.
Howard: The man who crashed his stationary bike.
Raj: I didn’t crash it, okay? My playlist was too up-tempo, I got light-headed and I fell off. Okay. It all comes down to this.
Howard: You happy? Now you can relax.
Raj: What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three.
Scene: A clothes shop.
Leonard: This isn’t so bad.
Sheldon: That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties.
Amy: You guys comfy? This might take a while.
Sheldon: I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.
Penny: No, you’re right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston.
Sheldon: They have a man there who understands my personal style.
Penny: Bye.
Leonard: Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.
Leonard: That’s true.
Sheldon: I’ll look them up. Son of a biscuit.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s fine.
Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.
Scene: The same, later.
Sheldon: Let’s see, my armies are going to attack the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three.
Leonard: Okay. And to defend, I roll two sixes. I win.
Sheldon: Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here.
Leonard: I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.
Leonard: Look at you, being all mature.
Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.
Leonard: I, I’m sorry? You make compromises for me?
Sheldon: All the time.
Leonard: On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we’re living?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.
Leonard: That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how.
Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.
Leonard: What? Then. then why don’t you do it?
Sheldon: Uh, well, it’s scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can’t take that away from you, so what do I do? Oh, come on, I’m practically feeding you the answer. I compromise.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Raj: Hey, uh, thanks for keeping me company.
Howard: I’m happy to. I think getting out of the apartment will do you good. So, where we headed?
Raj: If it’s okay with you, I’d like to go to temple.
Howard: Buddy, trust me, you don’t want to convert to Judaism. I mean, I know I make it look cool, but it’s not all briskets and dreidels.
Raj: I meant a Hindu temple.
Howard: Oh. Okay. It’s not like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, right? Some bald guy with horns isn’t gonna rip my heart out.
Raj: Dude, that movie’s an imperialist fantasy that makes the followers of a beautiful and peaceful religion look like a bunch of bloodthirsty barbarians.
Howard: You love that movie.
Raj: Yeah, it’s pretty great.
Howard: I’m surprised to see you suddenly get religious.
Raj: Why?
Howard: Well, because I’ve known you for ten years and you’ve never gone to temple, you never talked about believing in God, and last Diwali I watched you eat two pounds of sacred cow at a Brazilian steak house.
Raj: Religion is a very personal thing. I do go to temple, I just, I don’t talk about it.
Howard: Yeah, but you’re a scientist.
Raj: So?
Howard: So, as a scientist, you believe the way to understand the universe is through facts and evidence, and now you’re counting on some blue chick with a hundred arms to help you?
Raj: That is so offensive. Does everything you know about Hinduism come from Indiana Jones?
Howard: No. There’s also Apu from The Simpsons.
Raj: Well, lots of scientists believe in God. Okay? Newton, uh, Faraday, uh, Pascal, all were believers. Even Einstein was famous for attacking quantum theory on the grounds that God does not play dice with the universe.
Howard: Well, of course he believed in God. he slept with Marilyn Monroe.
Raj: Actually there’s no proof of that.
Howard: You believe in your religion, I’ll believe in mine.
Scene: The store changing rooms.
Amy: How’s it going in there?
Penny: Uh, not really a great outfit for work, unless something opens up in the hookers and whores division. Hey, can I ask you something?
Amy: Sure.
Penny: Do I really force you to do things you don’t want to?
Amy: Yeah, but it’s okay.
Penny: How is it okay?
Amy: I promised myself, if I ever got friends, I’d do whatever they said. Really, I’m lucky you found me before a cult did.
Penny: Well, you know, that was a long time ago. You’re a different woman now. You’re smart, you’ve got great friends, you’ve got a boyfriend, you’re pretty, you have zero fashion sense, but, anyway, tonight we’re gonna do whatever you want.
Amy: Really?
Penny: Absolutely. You name it, we’re doing it.
Amy: Basket weaving at the craft museum.
Penny: Well, you named it.
Scene: The store.
Sheldon: Oh, here’s another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don’t put it there because I don’t want you breaking one of your little legs when you’re supposed to be making my breakfast.
Leonard: Is it my turn to talk about the compromises I make?
Sheldon: I wasn’t done, but go ahead. He said, compromising.
Leonard: Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak.
Sheldon: Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you.
Sheldon: Is that true?
Leonard: Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away.
Sheldon: Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.
Leonard: You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting.
Sheldon: You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.
Leonard: Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.
Leonard: Do you mean that?
Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.
Leonard: Come on, don’t get upset.
Sheldon: I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s okay.
Leonard: I’m not leaving your world. I’m just talking about living across the hall.
Sheldon: I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I’m aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me.
Leonard: Buddy.
Penny: How are you guys getting along? What? Why are there tears?
Leonard: Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.
Amy: Are you crazy? You know he’s a flight risk.
Sheldon: That’s exactly what I told him.
Penny: Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready.
Sheldon: Well, what if you did it gradually?
Leonard: All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?
Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: When I’m not home.
Leonard: You got it.
Sheldon: There we go, compromising again. We really are the best.
Scene: The temple car park.
Howard: Here we go, my first Hindu temple.
Raj: You see behind the fountain, that tower that looks like a pyramid? It’s called a Sikhara. It symbolizes the, the connection between the human and the divine.
Howard: Huh. I always thought it was mini golf.
Raj: All right. Shall we?
Howard: Yeah. Just, uh, is there anything I should know before I go in?
Raj: Like what?
Howard: Like am I dressed okay?
Raj: Really? So every other place you’ve been, you thought this was fine?
Howard: I know you’re under a lot of pressure, so I’m gonna let that pass.
Raj: Sorry. You’re right. I’m so stressed. But you know what, whenever I walk into that temple I realize that whatever happens, it’s okay. We’re all part of an immense pattern, and though we can’t understand it, we can be happy to know that it’s, it’s working its will through us.
Howard: That’s nice.
Raj: Whether you call it God or the universe or the self, we’re all interconnected, and that’s just a beautiful… Son of a bitch, that guy just dinged my car. S, seriously? You were just gonna drive away? Like my life isn’t hard enough right now. A space probe might be destroyed, my parents are going through an awful divorce, the guy who cuts my dog’s hair just gave her bangs.
Howard: Raj.
Raj: You saw her. She looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber.
Howard: Raj, you just got a text. The probe turned on. It’s fine.
Raj: Oh, good. Namaste, Grandpa.
Scene: The craft museum.
Leonard: I thought this was gonna be boring, but it’s actually kind of fun.
Penny: Don’t tell Amy that. We’ll be here every Sunday.
Amy: Sheldon, that really is an excellent basket.
Sheldon: It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China.
Amy: Very nice.
Leonard: Yeah, it looks great.
Sheldon: I saw that.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Well, roomie, it’s only one night a week, but it’s a start.
Penny: I know. I’m really proud of Sheldon.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m proud of him, too.
Sheldon (in Penny’s living room): Can you keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep out here.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Okay, we’re headed out, see you later.
Sheldon: Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: Okay. Go ahead.
Leonard: Hello, can you hear me? Sheldon, I haven’t changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Uh, Bernadette’s nickname for you is the virgin piña colada.
Leonard: Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph.
Penny: Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard: Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever.
Sheldon: Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.
Penny: So what do you need the headphones for?
Sheldon: Well, I’ve been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn’t make protons decay. I’m hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I’ve got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman.
Penny: Is that why you had to take him to Office Depot last night?
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours.
Penny: Yeah, have fun.
Sheldon: Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.
Penny: And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.
Leonard: Hey, we’re home. Any progress?
Sheldon: How could there be, with these constant interruptions?
Penny: I love him, but if he’s broken, let’s not get a new one.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What are you doing? It’s time to go.
Sheldon: I’m not going to work today. And would you like to know why?
Leonard: Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day?
Sheldon: Like a big old baby.
Leonard: Call me if you need anything.
Sheldon: I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.
Penny (off): Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny (off): Ugh!
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny (off): Ugh!
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: Ugh, what?
Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.
Penny: Oh, I’m just doing this awful workout. I hate it.
Sheldon: Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.
Penny: I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder.
Sheldon: And to clarify?
Penny: The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?
Sheldon: I’m not going. Would you like to know why?
Penny: Uh, you’re sad about not getting anything done last night, so you’re gonna sit around and pout about it?
Sheldon: Boy, I’m not nearly as mysterious as I think I am.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: I invented a game. You want to play?
Leonard: Sure.
Howard: It’s called Emily or Cinnamon. I give you actual quotes I’ve heard Raj say, and you guess if he was talking to his girlfriend or his dog.
Raj: Go ahead, make fun. You can’t embarrass me, I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend and a dog who loves me so much she drinks my bathwater.
Howard: Okay, who was he talking to, Emily or Cinnamon? I want you to know, the bed feels so lonely when you’re not in it.
Raj: I may not be liking this game so much.
Leonard: Cinnamon. Give me another one.
Howard: Okay, Emily or Cinnamon? Check it out, I got us matching sweaters.
Leonard: We all got the Christmas card, Cinnamon.
Raj: You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.
Leonard: Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home.
Sheldon: Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.
Howard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.
Howard: Hold on. What’s in it for us?
Sheldon: Well, I suppose…
Howard: Okay, we’ll do it.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: Done.
Amy: 33 seconds. Okay, that’ll be our baseline.
Sheldon: You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.
Amy: It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers.
Sheldon: And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.
Amy: All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate.
Sheldon: Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.
Amy: Ready? Begin. Why’d you pop it?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.
Amy: Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana.
Sheldon: Who eats them horizontally?
Amy: My mother said that’s how good girls do it.
Sheldon: Perhaps this was a waste of time.
Amy: Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter?
Sheldon: Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…
Amy: Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone.
Sheldon: Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?
Amy: Because you’re happy they’re elevated.
Sheldon: Oh, that is infuriating. Ooh, look, they went back up again. Terrific. Oh, no, they went back down.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: All right, guys, what game do you want to play?
Howard: Let’s see. How about Emily or Cinnamon?
Raj: You know what? I think it’s a little weird that you remember me saying all these things. Maybe the truth is, you’re jealous of all my relationships.
Howard: Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.
Leonard: That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.
Leonard: So you just want us to disagree with whatever you say?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: And you think that’s going to help?
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: Well, I don’t think that’s gonna help at all.
Sheldon: Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.
Leonard: Howard’s right, that’ll never work.
Sheldon: Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.
Raj: I don’t think that’s what you want at all.
Sheldon: Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?
Leonard: Because it is what you want, and it’s not what you said.
Sheldon: I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.
Howard: Yes, we can.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, then do it.
Howard: Nah.
Sheldon: You guys are the worst. Thank you, I think that was helpful.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.
Amy: That would be so romantic for you and Leonard.
Penny: Yeah, clearly you haven’t seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector.
Amy: If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?
Penny: Really? Want to go to Hawaii?
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?
Penny: Come in.
Sheldon: Ladies.
Penny: What’s up?
Sheldon: Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?
Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?
Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.
Bernadette: We were talking about Penny’s job.
Sheldon: And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.
Penny: Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about.
Sheldon: You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think?
Penny: Let’s just talk about our periods.
Amy: No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?
Bernadette: Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges.
Sheldon: Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What is going on?
Sheldon: Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.
Leonard: Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I’m trying to sleep. Good night.
Sheldon: Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: You’ve been working so much lately, I’m glad you didn’t forget about date night.
Sheldon: Of course.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Amy: Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me.
Sheldon: I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.
Amy: Fine. How was your day?
Sheldon: Oh, you said it.
Amy: Sheldon. Sheldon, I’m worried about you. You’re not eating, you haven’t slept in days, and, to be honest, that cap is starting to smell.
Sheldon: I know. It’s replaced Godzilla as my principle source of anxiety.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Okay, so it’s one vote Emily, one vote Cinnamon. Penny, you’re the tiebreaker.
Penny: Say the quote again.
Howard: It’s just so perfect that we’re both Libras.
Penny: Wow, this is hard. I’m gonna say Cinnamon.
Howard: Yes.
Penny: Yes.
Raj: Come on.
Howard: That was the last one, I promise. We won’t play any more.
Raj: Thank you. ‘Cause if she ever found out, it would hurt her feelings.
Bernadette: Emily’s feelings?
Raj: Yes, Emily. Whatever. Where’s Sheldon?
Penny: Date night.
Leonard: That can’t be much fun for Amy. You know, at work today, he tried his first Red Bull.
Bernadette: What happened?
Leonard: He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while and then threw up in my car.
Bernadette: Don’t you think you should make him stop all this?
Howard: I don’t know, he’s not really hurting anybody.
Leonard: You didn’t have to scoop vomit out of your glove compartment.
Sheldon: He is getting a lot of work done. He had a pretty interesting take on proton decay.
Raj: Wow, if he cracks that it’s a game changer, guys. It’ll completely redefine our understanding of the physical universe.
Howard: Hmm, it would. Okay, back to Emily or Cinnamon? How can such a little girl eat such a big steak?
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, I want you to take that cap off.
Sheldon: That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.
Amy: I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night.
Sheldon: There you go, perfect.
Amy: Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away.
Sheldon: But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.
Amy: You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive.
Sheldon: Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.
Amy: That’s not true.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.
Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself.
Sheldon: Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?
Amy: Your thoughts and ideas come from you, not from your anxiety.
Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.
Amy: It’s one thing to make yourself miserable, but you’re making everyone around you miserable, too. Now, I’m telling you for the last time, take the cap off.
Sheldon: Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?
Scene: A bus.
Sheldon: And then she threw me out. Me, her very own boyfriend. When all I’ve done is try to help humanity reach of the world we live in.
Man: Yeah, well, women, what are you gonna do?
Sheldon: I knew you’d understand, Armadillo Isaac Newton.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Here we are.
Sheldon: Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here.
Leonard: You lie down, he’ll be here in a minute.
Sheldon: Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.
Penny: Now, you just get comfortable.
Sheldon: No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time.
Leonard: Maybe in the morning.
Penny: Yeah, you get some sleep.
Sheldon: No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.
Penny: You’re right, we can’t.
Sheldon: Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep.
Penny (singing): Soft kitty, warm kitty.
Leonard (singing): Little ball of fur.
Sheldon: That’s not gonna work.
Penny (singing): Happy kitty, sleepy kitty.
Together (singing): Purr, purr, purr.
Leonard: You know, he can be a lot of trouble, but when I see him lying here asleep like this, I just think how easy it would be to hold a pillow over his face.
Penny: Mmmm.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: You look like you got some rest.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m feeling much better. And I’ve also been continuing to make progress without artificially raising my anxiety levels.
Leonard: I turned on the heat in my car and some vomit came out, so my levels, right up there.
Raj: Hey, guys. Mind if Emily joins us for lunch?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Howard: Yeah, no problem.
Sheldon: Of course not.
Emily: So I hear you guys have been playing a little game.
Howard: Well, um, we were just kidding around.
Emily: Well, you may think it’s funny that Raj is sweet and sensitive, but I think it’s sexy. Ugh, why is there dog hair in your mouth?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, tell me about your day, how’s it going with the particle detector?
Leonard: Wow, you remember that?
Penny: Yeah, I listen to what you say. You’re building a particle detector using superfluid helium.
Leonard: You know, when you talk like that, I want to take you right here on this table.
Penny: And you know from past experience this table cannot support both our weight. So, how’s the detector going?
Leonard: Well, it’s tricky working with superfluids. Whatever container you put them in, they kind of creep up the sides and crawl out all on their own.
Penny: Kind of like Sheldon’s ant farm.
Leonard: Exactly, except you don’t have a lunatic running around, yelling, I fed you sugar water, why are you biting me? Come on, this is boring, you really want to talk about this?
Penny: No, I do. I didn’t write superfluid helium on this napkin for nothing.
Leonard: Okay, well, this is cool. Uh, there’s a thing called superfluid vacuum theory, where empty space is imagined as a superfluid with all of its qualities, viscosity, density, surface tension…
Penny: Hey, if you’re pausing for dramatic effect, I’d keep it moving.
Leonard: No, no. People don’t talk about surface tension. If you imagine our three-space as the surface of an N-dimensional superfluid bubble… This is exciting. This is really exciting. I have to go find Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, well, if you find him, use the kitchen island, that coffee table will not support both of you.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think?
Sheldon: Hmm.
Leonard: What? Is it wrong? Have you seen it somewhere else?
Sheldon: Hmm.
Leonard: I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something?
Sheldon: Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.
Leonard: No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not?
Sheldon: It’s good.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: I like it. I think you’re on to something.
Leonard: You do? You’re not messing with me?
Sheldon: Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.
Leonard: You’re giving me a sticker?
Sheldon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.
Leonard: I’m not a preschooler.
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll take it back.
Leonard: I earned this. Back off.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: You’re still awake?
Sheldon: For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump.
Leonard: You worked out all the math.
Sheldon: Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.
Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?
Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.
Leonard: When did my idea become our idea?
Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.
Leonard: This is good. Our idea is really good.
Sheldon: Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.
Leonard: You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal.
Sheldon: Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.
Leonard: Wow, it’s all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it?
Sheldon: We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.
Leonard: You’re sure it’s good?
Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.
Leonard: Okay, partner, let’s do it.
Sheldon: Come on. Click the mouse with me.
Leonard: One, two three.
Together: Click.
Leonard: Well, we did it.
Sheldon: Yes, we did, my friend.
Leonard: Is your tongue blue?
Sheldon: I don’t want to talk about it.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Okay, movie night, what do you want to watch?
Amy: Whatever happened to that ape movie you were in?
Penny: Oh, God. Probably nothing. I think I saw the director twirling a sign outside the Verizon store.
Bernadette: Search for it.
Penny: What, no, why?
Bernadette: ‘Cause it would be fun to watch.
Penny: It would be humiliating.
Bernadette: Well, now we have two reasons.
Amy: They have it.
Bernadette: Please, can we watch it?
Amy: Please?
Penny: Fine, but I’m telling you, it’s terrible.
Amy: Have you even seen it?
Penny: No.
Bernadette: Well, maybe it turned out better than you think.
Voice on TV: Bananas, get your fresh bananas.
Bernadette: Ho-ho, it really didn’t.
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is superfluid helium. Put this in your mouth, your tongue will freeze and break off.
Sheldon: Does it smell like blueberries?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then we’re probably okay.
Howard: Hey, your paper got mentioned on the Quantum Diaries physics blog.
Leonard: Really? What’d they say?
Howard: Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.
Leonard: Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative.
Sheldon: Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.
Leonard: Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says the concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking. Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The?
Sheldon: I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking.
Howard: How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?
Raj: Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv.
Sheldon: Read another one.
Leonard: Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish.
Sheldon: Who wrote that?
Leonard: It’s anonymous, and user name General Relativity.
Sheldon: Well, I’m responding to it.
Leonard: Uh, don’t lower yourself to their level.
Sheldon: Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.
Leonard: Sheldon, my name’s on that paper, too. There’s no upside to doing this.
Sheldon: He just left another comment.
Raj: What does it say?
Leonard: Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Can I respond now?
Leonard: Do it.
Sheldon: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I’m about to show this guy just how horny I can be.
Leonard: Somebody else do it.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (on television): Doctor, please help me. I think I might be turning into a killer gorilla.
Doctor: Why do you think you’re turning into a killer gorilla and not just a regular gorilla?
Penny (on television): Because regular gorillas are vegetarians, and I just bit the fingers off your receptionist.
Penny: Okay, we’ve seen plenty.
Bernadette: No, give me the remote.
Amy: Careful. She’ll bite your fingers off.
Penny: Okay, well, I’ve been poking around the internet, and I think I found something we’ll enjoy watching even more.
Amy: What is it?
Penny: Oh, just a video of Bernadette in a beauty pageant.
Amy: What?
Bernadette: Okay, I learned my lesson. Making fun of people is wrong.
Amy: I haven’t learned my lesson. Play it. Play it.
Bernadette (on screen): Hi. I’m Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski from Yorba Linda, California.
Penny: You look like a talking cupcake.
Bernadette (on screen): And you should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to (singing) tell you what I want, what I really really want, l tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Really, really, really be Miss California Quiznos 1999.
Amy: Play it again. Play it again.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Did he respond yet?
Sheldon: Hmm. No, not yet.
Leonard: Well, maybe we shouldn’t have sunk to his level.
Howard: It wasn’t that bad.
Leonard: Read it back one more time.
Sheldon: My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.
Leonard: And you don’t think that’s too rough?
Sheldon: We’re just standing behind her. It’s not like we’re gonna say boo and scare her.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: How could you not tell us you were in beauty pageants?
Bernadette: ‘Cause it’s embarrassing.
Penny: It is; it truly is.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, Amy writes Little House on the Prairie fan fiction about herself and posts it on the Internet.
Penny: No.
Amy: Why? What did I do?
Bernadette: Sorry, I had to get the spotlight off me, and tearing down other women is part of my pageant training.
Penny: Okay. We are reading that right now.
Amy: No, please don’t.
Bernadette: We got embarrassed tonight. Come on.
Amy: But it’s personal.
Penny: Why? Is it about you and Sheldon?
Amy: No.
Penny: Oh, my God, it’s about her and Sheldon.
Amy: It’s not about me and Sheldon. It’s about a young woman in the 1800s named Amelia, and the time-traveling physicist named Cooper she falls in love with.
Penny: Please show us?
Bernadette: Please?
Amy: No.
Penny: You know I’m gonna read it either way.
Amy: Good luck finding it.
Penny: Amelia and the time-trav… found it. It was just past dawn on the prairie, and like every morning, Amelia prepared to do her chores. Except something about this morning felt different.
Bernadette: Why? Why did it feel different?
Penny: Maybe it was the first whisper of winter in the air, or maybe it was the unconscious handsome man with porcelain skin and curious clothing she was about to discover lying in the field. A man who would open her mind to new possibilities and her body to new feelings.
Amy: You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I’m starting to miss that.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: He still hasn’t responded. What’s taking him so long?
Leonard: Do you really want him to write back?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Then no matter how he responds, I am going to destroy him with a picture of a bored cat saying oh, really?
Leonard: Me-wow.
Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: I’ve, uh, created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper.
Howard: This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off.
Raj: No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off.
Sheldon: He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Guys, this person’s just going out of their way to get a rise out of you.
Sheldon: Yeah, but it’s still so aggravating.
Raj: Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those.
Howard: Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.
Raj: See? Better with the accent.
Sheldon: And send.
Leonard: What did you write?
Sheldon: I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Sheldon: I told him we’ll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere.
Leonard: Are you crazy? You don’t know who this person is. Delete that.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Oh, okay, okay, calm down. (Skype tone) It’s him. He’s trying to video chat. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken this into the real world.
Leonard: Oh, really?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: “Time travel? I don’t understand,” said Amelia. Cooper stared at her. ‘Which word don’t you understand, time or travel?”
Bernadette: Wow, even in your fantasies Sheldon’s kind of exhausting.
Amy: He’s like that in the beginning, so she can change him. It’s called good writing. And wishful thinking.
Penny: It stung Amelia when he spoke to her this way. In her little one-room schoolhouse, she was always the smartest student, regularly besting the boys in her class, but this was no boy in front of her, this was a man.
Bernadette: Here we go.
Penny: Cooper told Amelia about all the strange and incredible things the future would hold, like computers and living past 30. He asked her if she had any questions. All she longed to ask was if his heart was beating as fast as hers, but she was too afraid to hear the answer.
Bernadette: Oh, Amelia.
Penny: So instead she asked if, in the future, Montana ever became a state.
Amy: In the 1800s that was considered flirting.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I’m so sick of people being mean on the Internet.
Howard: Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they’d never say to your face.
Sheldon: Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.
Leonard: Never noticed that about you.
Raj: You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work.
Sheldon: He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.
Leonard: All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished.
Sheldon: Click it with me. One, two, three, click.
Stephen Hawking: Well, hello there.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: Oh, brother, you should see the look on your faces.
Leonard: You really didn’t like our paper?
Stephen Hawking: I like your paper very much. The premise is intriguing.
Sheldon: Then why are you attacking us?
Stephen Hawking: If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.
Leonard: Stephen Hawking liked our paper. Said the premise is intriguing.
Sheldon: Good to see you again, Mr. Stephen-Hawking Liked-Our-Paper.
Leonard: And you as well, Mr. Our-Premise-Is-Intriguing.
Howard: How do you do, Mr. I’ll-Admit-That’s-Pretty-Cool?
Raj: Yeah, you keep setting me up for failure.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: With a heavy heart, Amelia stood before the newly repaired time machine. She regretted giving Cooper the part he needed.
Bernadette: Because she wanted him to give her the part she needed.
Amy: Okay, that’s enough.
Penny: What? No, I really want to know what happens, and Bernadette really, really, really wants to know what happens.
Amy: You’re just making fun of me.
Bernadette: I was just kidding. I’m sorry. And the story’s really good.
Penny: No, it is. Does he stay? Do they kiss? Does she find out about Montana?
Bernadette: Please?
Amy: Fine. As Cooper prepared to depart, tears filled Amelia’s eyes. He took her hand in his and said, “I can’t stay, but I will never forget you.” He brushed his fingers against her cheek, then quickly stepped into the machine. “Please don’t go,” she whispered. But it was too late. The engine hummed to life.
Bernadette: But they didn’t even kiss.
Amy: She turned away, wiping her eyes. She couldn’t bear to watch her one chance at true love disappear forever. Then she felt a strong hand on her shoulder spin her around. It was Cooper.
Penny: Yes.
Amy: “What about the future?” asked Amelia. He looked deeply into her eyes and whispered, “There is no future without you.” He pulled her in close. She began to tremble all over. She felt his warm breath…
Leonard: You will not believe what Stephen Hawking just said.
Penny: Get out!
Bernadette: Not now!
Scene: An 1800’s house.
Amelia: Is the water warm enough?
Cooper: Given the fact that you took the time to build a wood fire, draw the water from the well and heat it, it would be rude to complain. But since you asked, it’s a little nippy.
Amelia: I can fix that. I couldn’t help but notice your unusual undergarments.
Cooper: They’re not undergarments. They’re Underoos. Where I come from, they’re known as underwear that’s fun to wear.
Amelia: And what’s the significance of the spider?
Cooper: Oh, that represents Spider-Man. He does whatever a spider can.
Amelia: There’s a lot of rhyming in the future, isn’t there?
Leonard (in bed): You’re right. This is even weirder than I thought.
Penny: You want me to stop reading?
Leonard: Are you kidding? No, no.
Penny: As he stood for Amelia to dry him…
Amelia: So, tell me, Cooper, are the ways of physical love different in the future?
Leonard: Yeah, okay, I’m good.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: I’ve invented a science joke, would you like to hear it?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amy: How many?
Sheldon: Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.
Amy: Is that really true?
Sheldon: Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.
Barry: Hey, sowwy to intewupt.
Sheldon: Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Barry: Did you know Edison didn’t actuawy invent the wight bulb?
Sheldon: What do you want, Barry?
Barry: Just wanted to dwop this off as a wittle thank you for Amy.
Amy: What’s this for?
Barry: Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.
Amy: Well, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read it.
Sheldon: Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.
Barry: Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs.
Sheldon: Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?
Amy: Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal.
Sheldon: Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?
Amy: I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs.
Sheldon: That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re all scientists. I helped out a fellow colleague. You’re being petty.
Sheldon: I’m being petty? You know Barry and I have a professional rivalry. You heard him, he told me to suck eggs. If we were friends, he would have suggested I suck something more pleasant. Why are you laughing? Did you learn something?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard (on phone): Okay, Ma. Say hi to Aunt Gladys. Yeah, I love you, too. Bye.
Bernadette: Your mom having fun in Florida?
Howard: Mmm, she loves it. She finally found a place where everyone talks about how sweaty they are. Anyway, she wants us to go to the house and check in on Stuart because he might be lonely.
Bernadette: She’s just being nice.
Howard: Well, I’m her son, how come she doesn’t send someone to check on me if I’m lonely?
Bernadette: Because you have a wife.
Howard: Yeah, well, sometimes you work late.
Bernadette: I know you don’t like Stuart being in the house, but the store’s about to reopen, I’m sure he’ll get back on his feet.
Howard: That would be great. I’d love for things between me and Mom to get back to normal.
Bernadette: Well, normal’s a strong word, but sure.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: You okay?
Sheldon: If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.
Penny: What’s going on?
Sheldon: I’m mad at Amy.
Penny: Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too?
Sheldon: No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.
Penny: Oh, that sounds like a good thing.
Sheldon: Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.
Penny: I’m sorry I didn’t have a camera.
Sheldon: Why would she do this to me?
Penny: Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science?
Sheldon: No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.
Penny: All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go.
Sheldon: Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.
Penny: I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her?
Sheldon: Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?
Penny: Well, you could shove them somewhere.
Sheldon: Okay, now you’re getting creative.
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart: Thanks again for your help.
Leonard: No problem.
Raj: Our pleasure.
Leonard: The place really looks great.
Raj: Yeah, you should have burned it down years ago.
Stuart: I keep telling you I didn’t burn it down.
Leonard: We know, we know, because burning something down for the insurance money is a crime.
Bernadette: Stuart, this place looks amazing.
Stuart: Thanks.
Howard: You really did a nice job.
Stuart: And thank you for putting up with me staying at your mom’s through all this. I couldn’t have done it otherwise.
Howard: I appreciate that, and I’m glad you were able to… is that my mother’s furniture?
Stuart: Yeah, she said I could use it. Doesn’t it look great?
Howard: Not as great as it looks in the den where it belongs.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Why don’t you just clean out the whole room? Take the string art clown I made her in third grade and the ribbon I got in swim class for putting my face in the water.
Stuart: What is your problem? She said it was okay.
Howard: Well, I’m her son, and I say it’s not okay.
Stuart: Some son, looks like you spent ten minutes on that clown art.
Howard: Well, maybe I should’ve gone to a fancy art school like you. Then I could run a failed comic shop and mooch off some guy’s mother.
Bernadette: Why don’t we leave so you can cool off?
Stuart: I think that’s a good idea. Take him out of my store.
Howard: Your store? My mother gave you the money to reopen. I’m not going anywhere.
Leonard: Why don’t we go get the food for the party.
Stuart: Thank you.
Raj: Smart, looks like we’re being helpful.
Leonard: Mmm, when really we’re just exiting an uncomfortable situation.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Kripke, you know, of all the people, Barry Kripke. I’m so… Are you folding that like a crazy person to get me to do it for you?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?
Penny: I don’t know, just think about something else.
Sheldon: Can I think about the spiny anteater?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.
Penny: You know, some people try visualization.
Sheldon: How does that work?
Penny: Okay, imagine your problems are a pen.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Now imagine you’re holding that pen.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Now open your hand and let it go.
Sheldon: But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.
Penny: Sheldon, this isn’t that hard.
Sheldon: I may have a better way that you can teach me.
Penny: How?
Sheldon: What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?
Penny: What? She didn’t give me any puzzles.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Amy (in flashback): Boy, I just can’t seem to get these scissors back together. Can you do it?
Amy (in flashback): Darn it. There’s something in my eye, and I need to sort these coins by size. Can you help?
Amy (in flashback): Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.
Penny: Son of a bitch.
Sheldon: Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go.
Penny: I can’t believe you were testing me against a chimp.
Sheldon: Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.
Penny: Why would she even do this?
Sheldon: She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?
Penny: Make this interesting? You bet money on me?
Sheldon: No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?
Penny: It’s not interesting. It’s incredibly insulting.
Sheldon: Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.
Penny: Oh, my, that’s it. Get out.
Sheldon: I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.
Penny: Get out.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I think I left my pen in there.
Scene: The comic book store.
Bernadette: I understand why you’re upset, but he worked really hard to get the store ready. And it’s just furniture.
Howard: It’s my mom’s furniture. It belongs in the house I grew up in, next to that pile of TV Guides and in plain view of what, for a ten-year-old, was a quality piece of string art.
Bernadette: Howie, if the store succeeds, Stuart has a source of income, and he can move out of your mother’s house. Seems like some old furniture is a reasonable price to pay for that.
Howard: That is a good point. But I didn’t marry you for good points. I married you to blindly support me no matter how ridiculous I’m being.
Bernadette: This is why I had to rewrite our wedding vows.
Scene: A deli.
Leonard: Hi, we’re here to pick up an order for Comic Center.
Waitress: Sure, let me go check on that.
Raj: Dude, I, I think that’s Nathan Fillion.
Leonard: Oh yeah, look at that.
Raj: And he’s picking the tomatoes out of his salad just like I do. I always did feel a connection with him. Oh, I have got an idea.
Leonard: We’re not selling his tomatoes on eBay.
Raj: No, if we got Captain Reynolds from Firefly to do a signing at Stuart’s store, that would be amazing.
Leonard: That would be great.
Raj: So should we go talk to him?
Leonard: I don’t know. I mean, if he’s not nice, it’s gonna make it hard for me to watch him in anything again.
Raj: What? The, the guy who plays Jon Snow was a jerk. We still watch Game of Thrones.
Leonard: He was a jerk because you rear-ended him.
Raj: I was distracted. It’s weird seeing a member of the Night’s Watch with a kayak strapped to his car. Come on. Hi, excuse me, s, sorry, I, I don’t mean to bother you, but we’re just really big fans of Firefly. And Dr. Horrible.
Nathan Fillion: Oh, uh, I think you made a mistake. I’m not an actor.
Raj: Don’t say that. I mean, you’re not Dame Judi Dench, but you’re pretty great.
Nathan Fillion: Oh, yeah, I get it, you think I’m Nathan Fillion, but I’m not. So if you don’t mind, I would just love to eat my lunch.
Leonard: Come on. Sorry to bother you.
Raj: Don’t know why he’s so grumpy. I got mistaken for that guy in Life of Pi once, and I’m still floating.
Scene: The hallway.
Amy: Sheldon, it’s me.
Penny: Oh, hey. Did you see that? I, I figured out how to open the door all by myself. Maybe I’ll fling some faeces around my cage to celebrate.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Penny: I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests.
Amy: Sheldon, open the door.
Sheldon: I can’t. I’m naked.
Amy: I just saw you.
Sheldon: Hang on.
Penny: Open the door now.
Amy: Oh, hey.
Penny: Pull up your pants.
Amy: It’s not a big deal. I run tests like this on undergrads all the time. If you fill out some paperwork at the university, I can get you five dollars.
Penny: I don’t want five dollars. I want my dignity.
Amy: So what are we talking, like, ten bucks?
Scene: The deli.
Leonard: Thank you.
Raj: Thanks.
Leonard: Sorry again.
Nathan Fillion: No problem.
Raj: Are you sure you’re not him? Uh, you can tell us. We’re scientists, not crazy fanboys.
Nathan Fillion: All right, fine. I’m him.
Raj: And you’re eating alone at a deli. I don’t buy it, you’re not him.
Nathan Fillion: I just wanted to eat my lunch in peace. But I really am him. And thank you very much for being a fan. If you want, uh, let’s take a picture.
Leonard: That would be great.
Raj: Great.
Leonard: Yeah, thank you.
Nathan Fillion: You bet.
Raj: Wait, hang on. If you’re really Nathan Fillion, what’s the line from Firefly about your bonnet?
Nathan Fillion: I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.
Leonard: That’s it, that’s the line.
Raj: Although, I knew the line, doesn’t make me Nathan Fillion.
Nathan Fillion: Do you want the picture or not?
Raj: I want a picture with Nathan Fillion.
Nathan: How about a picture with a guy who looks like Nathan Fillion but a little more annoyed than Nathan Fillion usually is?
Leonard: What do you think?
Raj: Ah, it’s good enough for Facebook.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: I can’t believe they did that.
Penny: I know, it’s so insulting. At one point, they had me figure out how to get a banana out of a puzzle box.
Leonard: Wait, Sheldon gave me a banana in a box. He was testing me, too.
Penny: Unbelievable.
Leonard: And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.
Penny: Really? You couldn’t get it out?
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Wow, the store looks great.
Leonard: So you guys were testing us both? What is the matter with you?
Penny: Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.
Amy: That’s not true.
Sheldon: That sounds like us. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.
Amy: Well, except Barnabas, but he was on Adderall.
Howard: I’m sorry, but it’s making me crazy.
Bernadette: Can you please just let it go?
Sheldon: Oh, I can help you with that. Imagine you’re holding an ordinary pen. While your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.
Howard: Hold that thought. (On phone) Hello?
Amy: How can I make this up to you?
Penny: The answer’s in this puzzle box. Let’s see if you can open it.
Stuart: You could have at least warned him about the furniture.
Raj: That’s what I said when we moved it.
Bernadette: You helped him?
Raj: No, Stuart picked out those throw pillows all on his own.
Leonard: Hey, you okay?
Howard: No.
Leonard: What’s wrong?
Howard: My mom died.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: Uh, that was my aunt. Ma took a nap. She never woke up.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, Howie.
Leonard: I’m so sorry.
Raj: What can we do?
Howard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: May I say something?
Leonard: Not right now, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But I think it would be comforting.
Leonard: Buddy.
Howard: No, it’s okay. What?
Sheldon: When I lost my own father, I didn’t have any friends to help me through it. You do.
Penny: I really thought he was gonna say let it go.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj (on phone): Okay, thanks, Bernadette. Travel safe. Okay, bye. Well, they’ve booked a flight. They’re heading to the airport now.
Penny: How’s Howard holding up?
Raj: He’s hanging in there.
Leonard: How are you doing, Stuart?
Stuart: Still can’t believe she’s gone. I mean, that woman took me in. If it wasn’t for her, I, I would have been homeless.
Amy: One of us would have taken you in.
Stuart: Yeah, I don’t recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I’m glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person.
Raj: Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.
Penny: Whenever I saw her, she’d say I was too skinny and try and feed me.
Amy: She did that to me, too.
Penny: Don’t take this away from me.
Sheldon: I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.
Leonard: If you want, I can yell at you later.
Sheldon: It won’t be as good.
Leonard: Let’s have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother to all of us. We’ll miss you.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I just read about an experiment designed to see if you could make two people fall in love in a matter of hours.
Leonard: That doesn’t sound right. My research has shown that it takes three to five years of shameless begging.
Penny: Honey, neither of us comes off good in that story.
Raj: Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.
Amy: And then they finish it off by staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you. And the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.
Amy: Other than the fact that I had it, that was a magical night.
Penny: Raj, would you ever try an experiment like that with Emily?
Raj: What? I don’t need science to win her heart. I have my family’s wealth for that.
Leonard: I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right?
Penny: Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor.
Sheldon: Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…
Amy: No.
Sheldon: You didn’t even let me finish.
Amy: Forget it.
Sheldon: So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.
Raj: Why don’t you just do the test?
Sheldon: In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.
Penny: What? You’re okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Please, can I do it with him? Please?
Leonard: I’ve been listening to Sheldon’s feelings on things for ten years. Tag, you’re it.
Raj: Yeah, but what if the experiment works?
Penny: I’m not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.
Amy: That’s what I said. Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart.
Sheldon: Uh, fun fact, pontificate comes from the Latin word pontifex, which means bridge builder or Pope.
Leonard: In love yet?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The hallway.
Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, Penny, if this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It’s the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.
Penny: You know what? I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.
Sheldon: Okay, babe, let’s do this.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You guys are really being calm about Penny and Sheldon doing this thing. If it were me I’d, I’d be a little nervous.
Amy: Why?
Raj: Well, even if the study’s nonsense, I don’t believe in tempting fate. Same reason I wouldn’t use a Ouija board, or pick a fight with an Asian guy. He probably doesn’t know karate, but why risk it?
Amy: I think we’re safe.
Raj: Well, that’s what the bullies at Bruce Lee’s high school thought. And then, bam. Karate.
Leonard: Well, are we just gonna sit here while they do the experiment?
Amy: The two of us could do it.
Leonard: Yeah, sure, that might be fun.
Amy: What’s the first question?
Raj: Hang on. Okay. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Leonard: Hmm. I can honestly say Penny.
Amy: Oh, then I choose a janitor, ’cause I’m about to throw up.
Leonard: I’m in love. Let’s do something else.
Raj: Ooh, uh, Emily gets off work soon. Why don’t the four of us go out?
Leonard: Okay.
Amy: Sounds good.
Leonard: Should we call Howard and Bernadette?
Raj: I don’t know what time their plane gets in, but let me, let me shoot them a text.
Amy: Did he say anything about the funeral?
Raj: Not much, but he seemed to be in a pretty good place.
Scene: An airport baggage desk.
Howard: Are you kidding me? You lost my mother’s ashes?
Baggage Clerk: No, I’m just saying that sometimes bags are misrouted.
Howard: All right, fine. Where did you misroute the only woman who ever loved me? The first, well,
first, I meant first.
Clerk: I just need some information. Uh, what’s the flight number?
Bernadette: Eight sixteen.
Howard: I really did mean first.
Bernadette: Just drop it.
Clerk: And can you describe the bag?
Bernadette: Um, well, it’s, uh, black. There’s a red ribbon tied to the handle.
Howard: The world’s greatest mom is in the shoe compartment.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: You ready to begin?
Penny: Yup. Be right there. I assume you don’t want wine.
Sheldon: Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.
Penny: What heavy machinery? Let’s just start.
Sheldon: Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…
Penny: Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Sheldon: Hmm. Living or dead?
Penny: Just says anyone in the world. I guess that means living.
Sheldon: Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.
Penny: You sure that’s your choice? ‘Cause I’ve had that dinner.
Sheldon: Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?
Penny: Robert Downey, Jr.
Sheldon: Oh, I didn’t think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Raj: So, what do you guys want to do?
Amy: Well, we’re the ones tagging along, you pick.
Emily: Ooh, have you ever been to an escape room?
Leonard: What’s that?
Emily: Um, it’s kind of like interactive theatre, except you have to solve puzzles in a certain amount of time to get out. There’s one downtown where they trap you in a room with a zombie.
Raj: Oh, so kind of like what’s happening with Penny right now.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Penny: Uh, well, I’d probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing.
Sheldon: That’s it?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Sheldon: You didn’t mention Leonard.
Penny: He’s there.
Sheldon: I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.
Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What’s yours?
Sheldon: Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.
Penny: Interesting, you didn’t mention Amy.
Sheldon: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?
Scene: An escape room.
Woman in lab coat: You’re about to enter the lab of the late Dr. David Saltzberg. While conducting studies on slowing the aging process, there was a catastrophic accident and he died. Or did he?
Leonard: Ladies?
Emily: Are you being polite or scared?
Leonard: Yup.
Emily: Ah, what a room!
Amy: Oh.
Leonard: This is cool.
Amy: So, how do we start?
Emily: We have to look for the clues hidden around the room.
Raj: Uh, wasn’t there supposed to be a zombie?
Zombie: Uuuuuuuh!
Raj: Ooh. Okay, let’s hope one of the clues is written on a pair of clean underwear.
Scene: The Baggage Claim.
Clerk: Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz? As far as I can tell, your bag arrived in Los Angeles.
Bernadette: So, where is it?
Clerk: I don’t know, perhaps somebody took it off the carousel by mistake?
Howard: So, some stranger has my mom? Is that what you’re telling me? My poor mother can be anywhere in Los Angeles right now?
Clerk: I, I wish I was telling you that. Um, but the passenger could’ve gotten on an international flight.
Howard: Oh, okay, great. So, your entire job is to find lost luggage, and you’ve narrowed down the location of my mother to the planet Earth.
Clerk: I’m sorry. W, would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Penny: Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.
Sheldon: I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.
Penny: Come on, I’m just having some fun with you.
Sheldon: I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.
Penny: Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.
Sheldon: Ha. Keep dreaming.
Penny: Sheldon.
Shedon: I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.
Penny: Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing.
Sheldon: When are we going to get robot eyes?
Penny: You’re all alike.
Sheldon: Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.
Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.
Penny: Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.
Sheldon: You sure it’s not too much Bible juice?
Penny: And the wave is gone.
Scene: The escape room.
Zombie: Brains!
Amy: Keep it down, we’re working here.
Raj: Okay, we’ve got the cipher decoded.
Emily: How’s it going with the globe?
Amy: We used the coordinates to locate the cities.
Leonard: I’m putting the city names in the grid now. I’m sure that’ll give us the code to the safe.
Zombie: Solve puzzle too fast! Slow down!
Leonard: Yup. Got the code.
Zombie: Just saying, no refund for finish early!
Scene: The baggage check.
Bernadette: Sure you don’t want to go home? When the bag’s returned, they’ll deliver it to us.
Howard: No, I’m not leaving without her.
Bernadette: All right, we’ll wait.
Howard: I could’ve driven her.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: The day she left for Florida. She asked me to drive her to the airport. I was too busy. And I made her take a cab. I was too busy.
Bernadette: There’s no way you could’ve known. Be right back. Excuse me?
Clerk: Yes?
Bernadette: You better find my husband’s mother ’cause one way or another, w e’re walking out of this airport with a dead woman.
Scene: The escape room.
Leonard: Which book are we looking for?
Raj: Uh, Origin of Species.
Leonard: Here it is. There’s a black light.
Emily: Oh, hang on.
Raj: Oh, okay. Uh, brothers and sisters I have none, but this man’s father is my father’s son. Who am I looking at? Yeah, yeah, we get it, you want brains. Calm down.
Amy: Well, if I don’t have a brother, my father’s son is me. And if I’m this man’s father, then he’s my son. The answer’s son.
Emily: Ooh. There’s a picture of the sun over there.
Leonard: I bet the key’s behind it.
Zombie: Could be somewhere else.
Emily: Oh, got the key.
Amy: So, that’s the key to the door? That’s it?
Leonard: We spent two hundred dollars on six minutes of fun?
Raj: It’s like when you bought that remote-controlled helicopter, and it just flew away.
Emily: Sorry, guys. Really thought the puzzles would be better.
Amy: Well, to be fair, we do all have advanced degrees.
Zombie: Remember that before you post on Yelp.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Sheldon: So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
Penny: Today’s your birthday?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.
Penny: So, why did you finally tell me?
Sheldon: The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.
Penny: Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won’t tell anyone.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.
Sheldon: You’re making it difficult to love you right now.
Scene: The baggage check.
Clerk: Great news, your bag was returned.
Howard: Oh, thank God. It’s okay, she’s here. Ma’s here.
Bernadette: Okay, thank you so much.
Howard: Ma? I’m sorry I didn’t take you to the airport. I just want you to know that I’ll never forgive myself for being so selfish. And I promise to keep you close for the rest of my life.
Bernadette: Oh, no. That thing’s gonna end up in my bedroom.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: That’s it. We’re done with the questions.
Penny: All that’s left to do is stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking.
Sheldon: Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We’re good to go.
Penny: You ready?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: And begin. This is kind of creepy.
Sheldon: We’re not supposed to talk during this part.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: This is kind of creepy.
Penny: Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact.
Sheldon: Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.
Penny: Aw, sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.
Penny: I meant more like a little brother.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.
Penny: It’s getting creepy again.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.
Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.
Penny: Can you believe it’s been eight years?
Sheldon: Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.
Penny: I can’t remember a time you guys weren’t in my life.
Sheldon: I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.
Penny: That’s it. That wasn’t so bad.
Sheldon: No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.
Penny: Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you.
Sheldon: And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.
Penny: Like what?
Sheldon: Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?
Scene: The hallway.
Sheldon: Thank you for walking me home.
Penny: I just want to make sure you get there safe.
Sheldon: Well, this is me. It’s been a very interesting evening.
Penny: It really has.
All: SURPRISE!
Sheldon: Aah! And after I let you be Gary.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: I was unstoppable. I mean, I was, I was on fire. It was like my mind and my body were totally connected, like, like athletes must feel when they’re in the zone.
Penny: Again, it was miniature golf.
Leonard: Admit it, you’re a little turned on.
Penny: You can’t be this proud.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: Because I beat you.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re back.
Amy: We have some exciting news.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible.
Penny: Okay.
Amy: After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Do you want to say it?
Amy: Let’s say it together.
Together: We’re getting a turtle.
Penny: This is why I’ve been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.
Leonard: Well, we’re, we’re very happy for you.
Penny: Yes.
Amy: Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us.
Sheldon: No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.
Leonard: Why a turtle?
Sheldon: After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.
Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobblestone.
Sheldon: Yeah. And if he ever goes berserk, I know I can outrun him. Coincidentally, that’s also why I chose you as a roommate.
Leonard: Well, congratulations. Who would’ve thought you two would be the first in our group to start a family?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: That’s what I said.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Emily’s apartment.
Raj: So, where’s your roommate tonight?
Emily: Well, I thought it was a little unfair that she’s always here, and you never get a chance to stay over, so I killed her.
Raj: But remember our agreement? You can joke about murdering people, but you have to say just kidding.
Emily: And the more important thing to remember is that I’d never hurt you. Oh, crap. I have to run over to the hospital and check on a patient.
Raj: That’s okay. I can come back later.
Emily: No. No, don’t be silly. I won’t be gone long. Just stay here.
Raj: Okay, cool. Oh, and you’re sure your roommate’s not gonna come back while I’m here alone, right? ‘Cause that’ll be awkward.
Emily: Oh, don’t worry. She’s in Palm Springs.
Raj: Oh, good.
Emily: Well, her torso is. Just kidding. I put her in a wood chipper.
Scene: A pet store.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.
Amy: It’s okay. You made it. We’re fine.
Sheldon: That was a lot of puppies.
Amy: Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?
Amy: Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead.
Sheldon: I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.
Amy: But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work.
Sheldon: Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.
Amy: You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me?
Sheldon: Would you have approved?
Amy: Of course not.
Sheldon: Well, based on your reaction, it looks like I made the right choice. Isn’t that right, Giuseppe?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, hey. Listen, I, I have a little confession to make.
Penny: Aw, is this your first time?
Leonard: No, I got you something for Valentine’s Day, and I was too embarrassed to give it to you.
Penny: Well, why?
Leonard: Well, ’cause I got it at the dirty store.
Penny: You went to the dirty store without me?
Leonard: In sunglasses and a hat after I parked two blocks away.
Penny: Well, get it. Get it for me.
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Okay, uh, well, I hope it’s fun. I mean, it, it comes with paints, and, and it’s kind of creative and artistic.
Penny: Okay, did you go to the dirty store or Michaels?
Leonard: No, no. We cover ourselves in body paint, and then, then we get on this big canvas and do our thing.
Penny: Whoa, that’s kind of a big step for a guy who only recently agreed to take his socks off.
Leonard: You’re making fun of me. Forget it.
Penny: No. No, come on, I want to do it.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah, let’s you, me, and your very, very pale feet make some art. Hey, when you got back to this store, I want to go with you.
Leonard: Okay, but it’s a drive, the one I went to is in San Diego.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: How are the taxes going?
Bernadette: Okay. But you got a lot of receipts for the Lego store in here.
Howard: Those are business expenses. You can write those off.
Bernadette: A two hundred dollar R2-D2 is a business expense?
Howard: Oh, Bernie, you’re gonna have to sound a lot more confident when we get audited. (On phone) Hey, what’s up?
Raj: Oh, Emily ran back to the hospital, so I’m just hanging out at her place. What are you, uh, what are you doing?
Howard: Just playing video games while Bernie does the taxes.
Raj: What are you, a little kid? Is she gonna cut your dinner into little pieces, too?
Howard: She doesn’t have to, I filled up on jelly beans.
Raj: So, uh, what game are you… Oh. Crap.
Howard: What’s wrong?
Raj: I can’t get Emily’s night-stand to close.
Howard: So?
Raj: She’s gonna know I was looking in it.
Howard: Why were you looking in it?
Raj: Well, there’s a question I better have a good answer to before she gets back.
Howard: Okay, calm down. There’s probably something jammed behind it. Just, uh, pull it out and see what’s there.
Raj: Hang on. Oh no. Oh, no. Oh, God, no.
Howard: You know what, you sound busy, I’m gonna let you go.
Raj: Dude, the whole front came off. Now she’s gonna know I was snooping.
Bernadette: What’s happening?
Howard: Raj was snooping through Emily’s drawers and broke one.
Bernadette: Aw. I’m gonna miss her.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Penny: So what do you think?
Leonard: I thought it’d be a little more, just more.
Penny: I’m not even sure why we were out of breath. Uh, I mean, did we move at all?
Leonard: Maybe along the z-axis, but x and y are looking pretty sad.
Penny: Okay, come on. We are not old boring people. We can do better than this.
Leonard: Uh, Th, that’s true. How late did we stay up last night?
Penny: Almost 1am.
Leonard: Damn straight, almost 1am. And we weren’t even watching TV. We were watching Netflix, like the kids do.
Penny: Yeah, is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Nobody knows. Now, come on. We are gonna do this.
Leonard: Yeah. You get the paint, I’ll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: I can’t believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.
Amy: No one told you to poke the turtle’s face.
Sheldon: I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.
Amy: I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get.
Sheldon: Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.
Amy: Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever.
Sheldon: So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?
Amy: I would at least mention it before filling out the application.
Sheldon: Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.
Amy: And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.
Sheldon: First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.
Amy: You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
Amy: No. Forget it.
Sheldon: What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?
Amy: Please don’t.
Sheldon: Yep, you’re mad.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment. Howard is on the phone to Raj.
Howard: Okay, let me see the damage.
Raj: Hang on.
Howard: Well, I think you broke the dowels. You’re not gonna have time to glue it back on, you’ll have to nail it.
Raj: With what?
Howard: Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?
Raj: She does.
Howard: Great. Neither of those. Try a hammer.
Raj: Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.
Amy: Why do you even want to do this?
Sheldon: Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?
Amy: Can’t you just tell me?
Sheldon: But I made a video.
Sheldon (on video): I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I’d like to tell you why I should be chosen to go to Mars. I’m exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 14. While my brother was getting an STD I was getting a PhD. Penicillin can’t take this away. Being in close quarters, cleanliness is important and my hygiene is impeccable. In fact, animals don’t trust me because I smell like nothing. Literally nothing. During the seven-month space flight, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humour. Hey, Leonard, is there any peanut brittle left in that can?
Leonard (on video): You mean this weirdly suspicious one?
Sheldon (on video): Yes. Open it and check.
Leonard (on video): I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.
Sheldon (on video): But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it’s my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward. Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic. Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground. In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime. To Mars.
Sheldon: Afterwards, Leonard blew his nose, and pie came out.
Scene: Penny’s bathroom.
Leonard: Right there, right there, Oh, God, that’s it.
Penny: How did you get paint in your eye?
Leonard: Because you wouldn’t let me wear safety goggles.
Scene: Emily’s bedroom. Raj is still on the phone with Howard.
Raj: This looks terrible. She, she’s gonna know.
Howard: It’s fine. You just need two more nails.
Raj: Okay, where should I put them?
Howard: In Emily’s eyes.
Raj: You’re not helping.
Bernadette: Well, maybe this is what you get for snooping.
Raj: You know, it, it’s bad enough that I have to deal with this…
Emily: Raj? I’m back.
Raj: Oh, no. Hey.
Emily: Hi.
Raj: How was the hospital?
Emily: Fine. What were you doing in there?
Raj: Uh w, well, okay, look, I, I don’t want to lie to you. I got curious, I was looking around and I broke the drawer on your night stand.
Emily: You were looking in my night stand?
Raj: Yeah.
Emily: So, the first time I leave you alone, you snoop on me?
Raj: You’ve never snooped around my apartment?
Emily: No.
Raj: Come on, think back. It would really help if you had.
Emily: I can’t believe you don’t trust me.
Bernadette: She sounds really mad.
Howard: We should hang up.
Bernadette: Yeah, we should.
Howard: But we’re not going to, are we?
Bernadette: Not a chance.
Howard: What happened to snooping is wrong?
Bernadette: Howard, you’re going to jail for tax fraud. Who cares?
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Well, we did it.
Penny: We sure did.
Leonard: I mean, I was on fire. I, I was in the zone, like an athlete.
Penny: Sweetie, I beat you at this, too.
Leonard: So, where do we want to hang it?
Penny: What? Are you kidding? We’re not hanging it.
Leonard: But it’s an expression of our love.
Penny: And our butts. Not hanging it.
Leonard: Seems a shame to throw it away.
Penny: Yeah. We could give it to Sheldon, and tell him William Shatner painted it.
Leonard: God, I love you. I love you so much.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I think I’m gonna go home.
Sheldon: Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something.
Sheldon: Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.
Amy: Sure. Unless something better comes along.
Sheldon: Do you want me to withdraw my application?
Amy: What I want is for us to be planning our future together.
Sheldon: And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.
Amy: We’re on the same planet.
Sheldon: Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?
Amy: Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?
Sheldon: I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?
Amy: Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting.
Sheldon: Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?
Amy: You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.
Sheldon: You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?
Amy: Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians.
Sheldon: They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?
Amy: I guess we’ll have to make a new video together, as a couple.
Sheldon: Good idea. And since you’ve had such a rough day, I’m gonna let you throw the pie in Leonard’s face.
Scene: Emily’s bedroom.
Raj: Thank you for forgiving me.
Emily: That’s okay. At some point, we were bound to have our first fight.
Raj: Well, it almost happened when you called my apple pie crust doughy, but the truth is you were right, and I was just angry at myself.
Emily: Can I ask you one thing?
Raj: Of course. What?
Emily: Did you look in my closet?
Raj: No. Just the drawer.
Emily: You promise you didn’t look in the closet?
Raj: I promise. Why, what’s in there?
Emily: Don’t worry about it. Good night.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: Two one six four two zero one nine eight nine. And that, little lady, is pi to a thousand places.
Amy: I’d say I’m sorry I asked, except I didn’t.
Sheldon: Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.
Amy: Oh, let me see.
Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.
Amy: Sheldon, this article doesn’t mention Leonard at all.
Sheldon: Well, that can’t be right.
Amy: It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him?
Sheldon: All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.
Amy: Poor Leonard.
Sheldon: Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.
Amy: He might not be.
Sheldon: Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump.
Amy: Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team?
Sheldon: Oh, I’d be incensed.
Amy: So you see what I’m getting at?
Sheldon: Squeaky wheel gets the grease?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Grass is always greener?
Amy: Try again.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me.
Amy: Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad.
Sheldon: But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.
Amy: Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it?
Sheldon: Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.
Amy: Exactly.
Sheldon: For the record, that kid was a terrible choice. If you cry when you drop your churro, you do not have what it takes to rule England.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Howard: Thanks for helping us sort through all my mom’s stuff.
Raj: Of course. I know what it’s like having to go through a loved one’s possessions. My uncle was a worshipper of Krishna. But after he died, you know what we found? A statue of Shiva. It may not be Crips and Bloods, okay? But in India, it’s a thing.
Bernadette: Well, it’ll be good that you’re there. Howard’s been having trouble deciding what to keep and what to let go.
Howard: Well, it’s hard. A lot of Ma’s stuff brings back fond memories.
Bernadette: Is that why you couldn’t get rid of her drawer full of ketchup packets?
Howard: Yes. It reminds me of us eating out and her saying quick, nobody’s looking, fill your pockets with ketchup.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard? Have you ever noticed that only my name is on the cable bill?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that.
Leonard: Actually, your name is on the electric bill.
Sheldon: Oh, right. This is a disaster.
Leonard: I don’t even know what you’re talking about and I agree.
Sheldon: Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.
Leonard: Did they hate it?
Sheldon: No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.
Leonard: So what’s the problem?
Sheldon: You know how the PennySaver only has my name…
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.
Leonard: Uh, that, that’s not necessary.
Sheldon: It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.
Leonard: Cooper and his team?
Sheldon: You should know I had nothing to do with that.
Leonard: Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important.
Sheldon: You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.
Leonard: That’s not helping.
Sheldon: Well, I’d give more examples, but, well, everyone in your position’s so forgettable.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s House.
Howard: Stuart, we’re here.
Raj: It’s nice of you to let him keep staying at your mom’s house.
Howard: Yeah, well, I tried putting him out on the curb, but nobody took him.
Stuart: Hey. Just so you know, the power’s out.
Bernadette: What happened?
Stuart: I called, they said a transformer blew. It’s the whole block. Should be fixed by tomorrow.
Howard: Wait, when did it go out?
Stuart: In the middle of the night.
Howard: Oh, my God.
Bernadette: Howie, what’s wrong?
Howard: It’s all defrosting.
Bernadette: It’s okay. It’s just food.
Howard: It’s not just food. This is the last food my mother ever made. This is her last brisket. This is her last meatloaf. This is her last. I have no idea what this is, but it’s the last one.
Raj: Everything okay?
Howard: No. All Ma’s food is gonna be ruined.
Bernadette: Well, why don’t we take it home and put it in our freezer?
Raj: You don’t want to do that. Refreezing not only removes moisture, but it creates ice crystals in the fibres of the meat that can compromise its taste and texture. What? I saw a teachable moment. I dropped some culinary science.
Bernadette: What should we do?
Howard: I’ll tell you exactly what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna eat it.
Bernadette: There’s, like, twenty pounds of food in there.
Howard: All you said was I had to get rid of things. You didn’t say they couldn’t pass through my colon first.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Okay. Then how about this? Let’s invite everyone over to dinner. It’ll be like Ma’s feeding us one last time.
Bernadette: I love that.
Raj: Me, too. Oh, look, we’ve got enough ketchup to cover every ounce of it.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I mean, who even reads Scientific American?
Leonard: It’s kind of a big deal.
Penny: If it’s such a big deal, how come the biggest celebrity they could get for the cover is a molecule?
Leonard: Can we please just stop talking about it?
Penny: I’m sorry. What can I do?
Leonard: Nothing, I’m fine.
Penny: No, no. I’m gonna cheer you up. Here we go.
Leonard: What are we doing?
Penny: I am taking you shopping.
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: My baby is sad, and I’m gonna make him happy again.
Leonard: Look, I know shopping cheers you up, but it’s just not really my thing.
Penny: Well, what about this helicopter you control with an iPad?
Leonard: Does it have a camera in it?
Penny: It does have a camera in it.
Leonard: Baby’s listening.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.
Leonard: What happened? Did you tell him it was my idea?
Sheldon: I did.
Leonard: Thank you. What did he say?
Sheldon: He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist.
Leonard: Why did he think you’re the lead scientist? It was my idea.
Penny: You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it.
Penny: You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks?
Leonard: If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working.
Sheldon: Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Sheldon: All he had was an idea.
Amy: Well, that is an important part.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won’t Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.
Amy: But Leonard’s idea was good.
Sheldon: Fine. Then Grumpy, what’s he so grumpy about? Maybe his girlfriend won’t take his side.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Leonard: I’m the one who thought of it.
Penny: Well, didn’t he do a lot of the work?
Leonard: Yeah. But now he’s happy to let people think he’s responsible for everything.
Penny: And that’s why you get an iPad helicopter.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Sheldon: Is it my fault I have a much bigger reputation than he does?
Amy: It’s not your fault.
Sheldon: Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?
Amy: Not your fault.
Sheldon: Is it my fault that when the reporter cited me as the lead scientist I didn’t correct him?
Amy: Hey, look at that pretty bird.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Leonard: He always needs all the attention. He’s such a baby.
Penny: I know, I know.
Leonard: I swear, he is never ever playing with my helicopter.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s kitchen.
Raj: Okay, I’ll start heating some of this stuff up.
Bernadette: Thanks.
Howard: Oh, man. This is the boutonniere from my high school prom. A piece of cake from my Bar Mitzvah.
Bernadette: Did she throw anything away?
Howard: No. If I find my foreskin, I’m gonna kill myself.
Raj: Okay, so we’ve got, um, three briskets, four meatloafs, one lasagna.
Howard: No, that’s noodle kugel.
Raj: One Jewish lasagna, two pound cakes that are about eight pounds each, and one giant container of matzoh ball soup.
Howard: Ma always kept it on hand, in case I got sick. She thought she could cure anything with her cooking. Even the time I got food poisoning. From her cooking.
Bernadette: You okay?
Howard: Yeah, I’m okay. Let’s get started.
Raj: You got it.
Howard: I’m never gonna talk to her again.
Bernadette: Should we tell everyone not to come?
Howard: No. I want to do this.
Bernadette: Okay. Well, I’ll keep it together if you can.
Howard: Okay.
Raj: I’m not making any promises.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s living room.
Stuart: Glad you guys could make it.
Leonard: Of course.
Penny: Wow, it looks really pretty in here.
Stuart: Yeah, turns out half a dozen menorahs really sets a mood.
Leonard: So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?
Stuart: And there goes the mood.
Sheldon: Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.
Leonard: Subtle.
Sheldon: But you got it, right?
Howard: Hey, guys.
All: Hey. Hi. Hello.
Howard: I just want everyone to know, uh, tonight’s not a sad occasion.
Bernadette: Yeah, we just want to have the kind of dinner that we’ve all had here so many times before.
Howard: Good food, good friends, and sometime around midnight, heartburn that makes you pray for death.
Amy: Do you need any help in the kitchen?
Bernadette: No, we got it. You guys make yourselves comfortable.
Penny: All right, hey, you two, we’re here for Howard right now, okay?
Amy: Yes, so please behave yourselves.
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: Of course.
Stuart: So I heard you two, uh, wrote a paper together. How’s that going?
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s dining room.
Penny: This food is amazing.
Raj: Mm, and not a vegetable in sight.
Howard: That’s not true. We’ve got tomatoes right here.
Amy: All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon.
Sheldon: Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day.
Penny: Oh, so it’s like The View.
Amy: Sheldon, The View is a daytime talk show hosted by women.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m aware. It features Whoopi Goldberg. She played Guinan on Star Trek: Next Gen. Penny, Next Gen refers to Star Trek…
Penny: Shut up.
Raj: I would like to propose a salon topic.
Amy: Ooh, please do, Rajesh.
Raj: The lead in The Hunger Games is a woman. Marvel has made Tor a female.
Penny: Wait, who’s Tor?
Raj: You know, Tor, the God of Tunder. As I was saying, is this a sign that our society is approaching gender equality?
Howard: Certainly a lot more women are reading comic books now.
Stuart: It’s true. At the store, I had to put a seat on the toilet.
Amy: We won’t know if there’s equality until female Thor has a baby and the Avengers are cool with her pumping breast milk at work.
Howard: I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.
Penny: Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss.
Sheldon: I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution.
Leonard: Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?
Bernadette: Oh, that’s fine.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, Leonard. That’s a lovely little notion. Kind of like, I wish I could talk to my uncle in Chicago. Yeah, now stand back while I invent the telephone. Hello? Oh, hold on. Leonard, it’s your uncle. He says you just got burned.
Amy: Sheldon.
Penny: Guys.
Leonard: No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?
Howard: Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real.
Sheldon: Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.
Leonard: Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering.
Sheldon: Leonard, please. His mother just died.
Leonard: You’re being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Yeah, so are you.
Penny: Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon.
Sheldon: Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.
Leonard: Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me.
Sheldon: Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.
Amy: And girls.
Sheldon: Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest.
Leonard: So I’m just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit?
Sheldon: I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it.
Leonard: You want some of this? I’ll give you some.
Bernadette: Hey. Sheldon, Leonard, living room, right now!
Sheldon: She said my name first, that must kill you.
Bernadette (off): I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but this is a very difficult time for my husband. We’re eating the last food his mother ever made, and you were gonna throw it at each other like children? Whatever it is you’re fighting about, put it aside, go back in there and be a good friend to Howard or there’s no dessert for either of you. Look at me when I’m talking to you. And don’t think…
Howard: You guys ever notice sometimes Bernadette sounds like my mom?
Amy: I don’t hear it.
Raj: No, not at all.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s living room.
Penny: I don’t think I’ve eaten that much in my entire life.
Howard: It’s why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off.
Sheldon: You see, Penny, the Israelites were in the desert…
Penny: Shut up.
Ra: So glad you two are done fighting.
Leonard: Right now, I’m just trying to burp without throwing up.
Sheldon: Hang on. Physics Today mentioned the paper.
Stuart: What’d they say?
Amy: Who cares? Did they mention Leonard?
Sheldon: They did.
All: Yay.
Bernadette: Good news, I found more Tums.
All: Yay.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Leonard: Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway.
Sheldon: Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences.
Penny: You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.
Amy: Are you all set for your trip?
Sheldon: Yeah, I think so. I just restocked the old PRK.
Penny: PRK?
Leonard: Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places.
Sheldon: I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.
Leonard: Keep going.
Sheldon: And rubber gloves, uh, air freshener. Um, noise-cancelling headphones. Oh, danger whistle. Um, pepper spray. Ooh, a multi-language occupied sign. Uh, let’s see, we have seat protectors, uh, booties for my shoes, a clothespin for my nose. Oh, and a mirror on a stick, so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn’t some kind of weirdo.
Penny: You still worried some Berkeley girl is gonna steal him away?
Amy: Yes, who do you think gave him the danger whistle?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called I Can’t Spy? It’s all the nail-biting tension of I Spy but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.
Leonard: If it’s half as much fun as One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall, I’m in.
Sheldon: I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.
Leonard: That soy Frappuccino I had.
Sheldon: Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.
Leonard: I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos?
Sheldon: I don’t want to play anymore.
Leonard: We haven’t been on a road trip in a while. This is fun.
Sheldon: We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.
Leonard: No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool.
Sheldon: I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.
Leonard: What? This road trip just got crazy.
Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy.
Leonard: I’m surprised you know that reference.
Sheldon: What reference?
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: So, I put stickers on everything we’re gonna sell. We just need help taking it all out to the driveway.
Amy: Can I be in charge of pricing? I’ve been going to garage sales my whole life. Can you believe I got these pantyhose for a nickel?
Howard: All right, Amy’s in charge of pricing and being 75.
Raj: Hey, Penny, can you give me a hand with this?
Penny: Sure. Oh, we had one of these growing up. I used to play all the time.
Raj: Oh, yeah? I love Ping-Pong.
Penny: Oh, I meant beer pong.
Amy: I had a table, too, but I didn’t have any friends, so all I did was serve.
Bernadette: You know, you can leave one side up and play against it.
Amy: And if I had a friend, they might have told me that.
Howard: Excuse me. Why is there a sticker on this? It’s my TARDIS from Doctor Who. I was planning on moving it in the house.
Bernadette: I think you just answered your own question.
Howard: Come on, one day, this may double in value and be worth half what I paid for it.
Bernadette: Sweetie, we have a lot to do. We don’t need to decide this right now.
Howard: Well, I guess as long as you’re keeping an open mind.
Bernadette: Of course.
Scene: Leonard’s car. “Play that funky music, white boy” is playing on the stereo.
Sheldon: So they’re requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: And this music we’re listening to right now is funky as well?
Leonard: Sure.
Sheldon: Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?
Leonard: It could be.
Sheldon: So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?
Leonard: Exactly.
Sheldon: Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.
Leonard: Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early.
Sheldon: Will our hotel room be ready?
Leonard: I doubt it.
Sheldon: Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?
Leonard: If we do, we’ll just tell him to hit the bricks, see?
Sheldon: Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.
Leonard: Oh, that’s true. It’s not like we can get in there.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.
Sheldon: Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.
Leonard: We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it.
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.
Leonard: I’m about to lose control, and I think I like it.
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Penny: So when do you guys think you’re gonna move in?
Howard: We’re still figuring how much remodeling we want to do.
Bernadette: It’s tricky finding the right balance between tasteful modern and Jewish mother tchotchke crapfest.
Amy: Have you made a decision about the TARDIS? I think I can sell it if we call it Big British Porta-Potty.
Howard: We’re not selling it, it’s mine.
Bernadette: You can’t just decide. How about I arm-wrestle you?
Howard: That’s not fair. It’s like me challenging you to a sexy pants contest.
Raj: You could play Ping-Pong for it.
Howard: I would do that.
Bernadette: How is that fair? You grew up with a table.
Howard: Yes, but I mostly used it as a battlefield in an ongoing war between the Transformers and the ThunderCats for control of a bra I had found in the woods.
Penny: Bernadette, for every episode of Doctor Who Leonard has made me sit through, I will play on your behalf and send that TARDIS back to Gallifrey, where I hate that I know it belongs.
Bernadette: Yes, Penny plays for me.
Howard: That’s not fair, she has upper body muscles.
Raj: Dude, three-time Sanskriti School for Well-Born Boys badminton champion.
Howard: That’s right, okay, Raj can play for me.
Amy: Ooh, you just chose champions. It’s like we’re re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: Yeah, it’s also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, no, I like that show. It’s got dragons and people doing it.
Howard: So it’s settled. The fate of Doctor Who’s TARDIS will be decided by a Game of Thrones inspired death-match on the battlefield of ThunderCats versus Transformers.
Amy: If you still have that bra, I’ll give you a nickel for it.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: There it is. It’s just a gate. On a road.
Leonard: Wasn’t even that hard to find.
Sheldon: This is so amazing.
Leonard: I know. You want to get a picture?
Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.
Leonard: Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us.
Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?
Leonard: No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.
Sheldon: There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.
Leonard: Okay, yeah. What do we have to lose? I’m a little nervous.
Sheldon: Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon: You pushed it, are you out of your mind?
Voice: May I help you?
Leonard: Um, uh, uh, uh, we don’t have an appointment, and, and we don’t belong here, but we, we’re, like, crazy-big fans. I mean uh, buh, buh, crazy for Star Wars crazy, not crazy like we have a backpack full of duct tape, although we do have a backpack that you really don’t want to look in.
Sheldon: You’re blowing it. We want to meet George Lucas and become his friends and play with him.
Voice: Hello? This speaker’s not working, just pull up.
Leonard: And that’s how it’s done.
Scene: The same, further inside the ranch.
Sheldon: All right, we’ve defeated the first challenge. Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.
Leonard: We’re trying to get past a security guard, not rescue Zelda.
Sheldon: I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan?
Leonard: Uh, I’m just gonna be honest with the guy.
Sheldon: Honesty will never get us in.
Leonard: Well, what’s your plan?
Sheldon: All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed.
Security Guard: Who are you here to see?
Leonard: Uh, I’m just gonna tell you the truth.
Sheldon: Oh, you are killing me.
Leonard: We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.
Security Guard: Sorry, guys, we get this a lot. Can’t let you in.
Sheldon: What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? A recording session I must attend.
Leonard: I’m sorry, don’t listen to him. We’re actually physicists. We’re giving a lecture at Berkeley later today. We just, we had some time to kill.
Security Guard: Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.
Leonard: Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best… What are you doing?
Sheldon: Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.
Security Guard: Don’t move. Code A-A-23, A-A-23.
Voice: Copy.
Sheldon: I can see the ranch, Leonard. Oh, it’s rustic, it’s lovely. I’d take a picture, but people are chasing me. I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna make it. They have Tasers, but they wouldn’t dare use… Aaaaaaagh!
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: Come on, Raj. You are the King Kong of Ping-Pong. You are the menace of table tennis. Put her away, ’cause I don’t have a third one. Yes. Woo.
Amy: Rajesh eight, Penny four.
Penny: Sorry, he’s really good.
Bernadette: Hey, Raj. if Howard can’t keep the TARDIS, how great would it look at your place?
Raj: What?
Howard: Yeah, what?
Bernadette: I don’t know much about Doctor Who, but if, um, you were to put this right outside your front door and open up the back, it would be like your entire apartment was the inside of the TARDIS, which is pretty cool ’cause on the show, the inside of the TARDIS is bigger than the outside. But then again, I don’t know much about<i> Doctor Who.
Howard: Don’t listen to her. You and I go way back, we’re like brothers.
Raj: We are. We are. Oh, no. What a terrible serve. Sorry, brother.
Amy: Eight-five.
Howard: This is ridiculous. I want a new champion. Amy, were you serious about being able to serve?
Amy: Uh, it, it’s been a long time. I don’t know. I’m probably pretty rusty.
Penny: Wow.
Howard: She’s my champion.
Bernadette: Well, if you can switch champions, so can I. I want Raj.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: Oh, come on, like you even care.
Penny: I care. Oh, wait, no, I don’t. Good luck, Raj.
Howard: You know, I thought our friendship meant more to you.
Raj: So did I.
Scene: An office in Skywalker Ranch.
Sheldon: Do you think they’re gonna call the police?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe they’ll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.
Sheldon: Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who…
Leonard: Oh, shut up.
Nerdy Guy: He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.
 
Leonard: Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too.
Sheldon: So, what are you in for?
Nerdy Guy: Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.
Sheldon: But why are you here?
Nerdy Guy: Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Leonard, they have a sculpture gallery.
Security Guard: All right, I talked to my supervisor, and we’re gonna let you go with a warning. But if you ever come back, we will call the police and press charges.
Leonard: We understand. Thank you so much.
Nerdy Guy: Uh, what about me?
Security Guard: No, you’re not going anywhere, kissy face. Let’s go. I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.
Sheldon: Uh, one question about that picture. Can it be with George Lucas? Ooh, grumpy you are.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: Okay, this is the match that decides it all. First to 11 wins. Serve switches every five points. And just so you know, when this started, I was going to put the TARDIS in a discreet corner of the house, but I’ve since turned mean, and now it’s going right in the middle of the living room on a rotating platform with a sign that says suck it. Game on.
Bernadette: Except, Raj is gonna win. Isn’t that right, Raj?
Raj: Uh, yeah, I mean, her serve was pretty good.
Bernadette: Come on, get in her head. Be intimidating.
Raj: Okay, uh, I’m gonna own you, bitch.
Penny: Whoa.
Bernadette: Hey.
Amy: That’s not nice.
Raj: Let’s just play.
Howard: One-zero. Two. Three. Four. Five-nothing. Wait, did you play badminton or sad-minton?
Bernadette: Don’t listen to him, all she’s got is a serve. Now, grab a fresh tampon and put her away.
Raj: What, and that’s not offensive? Where’s the line?
Penny: It’s in your purse. Play.
Bernadette: One-five. Two-five. Three-five. Four-five. Five-five.
Howard: Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten-five.
Bernadette: Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten-ten.
Amy: Well, that was an exciting 40 seconds.
Howard: It was, and now the serve is back to you, and the game is over.
Bernadette: You know, Amy, I, uh, can’t help but wonder how Sheldon would react if the TARDIS was at your place.
Howard: Don’t listen to her, just hit the ball.
Amy: Keep talking.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Bernadette: If this doesn’t get him into your bedroom, nothing will.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Are you still mad at me?
Leonard: Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee.
Sheldon: Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty.
Leonard: The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why?
Sheldon: Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.
Leonard: Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it.
Sheldon: Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.
Leonard: That part was pretty good.
Sheldon: See?
Leonard: You did flop around a lot.
Sheldon: I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.
Leonard: You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.
Sheldon: That’s amazing.
Leonard: I know.
Sheldon: And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?
Leonard: I guess this could count as an adventure.
Sheldon: It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.
Scene: Amy’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Amy, the Daleks are right on my tail, quick, we need to reset the time circuits. Oh, no, I left my sonic screwdriver behind.
Amy: Really should have thought this through.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: You’re wrong.
Howard: No, I’m not.
Raj: Yes, you are.
Howard: No, I’m not. Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called gifs or jifs?
Leonard: Well, the G stands for graphics. That’s a hard G, so I’d say gif.
Raj: The guy who invented it says it’s jif.
Howard: I’m sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?
Sheldon: Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.
Howard: Something happened different from the way you wanted it.
Sheldon: I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.
Howard: Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass.
Sheldon: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Leonard: Look, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this.
Sheldon: Agreed.
Leonard: I was gonna say or, but why bother?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: Hey, Raj.
Raj: Hey, I got you a little gift.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.
Raj: You know me. I’m from India. I can’t resist children begging. So, how’s it going with the title to the house?
Howard: Great, it’s all done. The lawyer tracked down my father and got him to sign it over. I didn’t have to meet him, I didn’t have to talk to him, I don’t even know where he is.
Raj: Wow, so you’re not curious at all?
Howard: Nope.
Raj: Hmm. What if he’s in prison? What if he’s a spy? What if he’s in a Beatles cover band? I’m just saying, if he’s got your nose and haircut, he’d make a killer Ringo.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Wil Wheaton: Thanks again for agreeing to do this.
Penny: Oh, it’s cool, I’ve never been on a podcast before.
Leonard: Well, you picked a good one to start. Wil’s had lots of great guests. Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden.
Penny: Those are Star Trek people.
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: I only figured that out because I’ve never heard of any of them.
Wil: I deserve that. I invited you on my show and I drove here.
Penny: Sorry.
Wil: Okay, so, this is basically gonna be just like a little talk show. Uh, we’re gonna take some calls, we’ll talk about what it was like on the set of Serial Ape-ist 2. It should be really fun.
Leonard: This is exciting.
Penny: Yeah, so, how many people listen?
Wil: Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live.
Penny: What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?
Wil: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Can you please pass the salt?
Sheldon: Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do.
Amy: Is this how the rest of the night’s going to be?
Sheldon: I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?
Amy: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night.
Amy: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.
Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.
Amy: Well, it applies to you, too.
Sheldon: I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. There you go. As far as you’re concerned, I’m smiling. Although, I must admit, I’m smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Raj: So, Bernadette, have you thought about how you’re going to redecorate this place?
Bernadette: You know, I’m thinking ripping up the carpets, maybe lose the wallpaper, all new light fixtures.
Raj: You know, if you knocked out this wall, it would give you an open floor plan, and then, it’s a little scary, but could be fun, indoor fire pit.
Howard: Hey, I grew up in this house, okay? No one’s knocking anything down.
Bernadette: Okay, okay. When he’s at Comic-Con, I’m bringing in a wrecking ball.
Howard (answering door): Can I help you?
Guy at door: Hi. Are you Howard Wolowitz?
Howard: Yes.
Guy: Um, this is a little weird, but a lawyer was trying to contact my father, because his name was still on the title for this house.
Howard: Wuh, uh, who’s your father?
Guy: Sam Wolowitz.
Howard: Sam Wolowitz is my father.
Guy: I know.
Howard: Well, wait, so if we have the same father, are, are you saying you’re my half-brother?
Guy: I think so.
Howard: Bernadette, weird things are happening out here.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill.
Wil: Uh, spoiler alert, after the monkey sees, it kills.
Leonard: Psst.
Wil: I’ve just been handed a note. I’m going to read it. Wil, do you want more Diet Coke? Also, we have juice.
Leonard: I, I didn’t want to interrupt.
Wil: Uh, that voice you just heard belongs to Leonard, Penny’s fiancé. Uh, Leonard, why don’t you grab some headphones and join us?
Leonard: Really?
Wil: Yeah.
Leonard: Hey, great.
Wil: So, while Leonard gets set up, let’s take a call. Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2.
Caller: I don’t have a question. I just want to say I’m a big fan of the movie. I’ve seen it, like, ten times.
Penny: Okay, well, I’ll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you.
Wil: Thanks a lot, caller. You know that the movie actually has a little bit of a cult following.
Penny: Really?
Wil: Yeah. I was at a science-fiction convention, and I saw a woman dressed as your half-ape character.
Leonard: Oh, if she was with an Indian guy dressed like a banana, that was just my friends, Howard and Raj.
Wil: All right, it’s time for a very special guest caller, a friend of mine, who you probably know as the director of such movies as Clerks, or from podcasts and books where he often reminds you that he’s the guy who directed Clerks. Hello, Kevin Smith.
Kevn: Hey, man, yo, is everything okay, Wil? ‘Cause it’s been, like, two minutes and you haven’t even brought up Stand By Me.
Penny: Hey, Kevin. It’s really exciting to talk to you.
Leonard: It really is.
Kevin: Oh, you guys are very sweet. So, Penny, listen, I saw your movie.
Penny: Oh, wow. I wish it was better.
Wil: Oh, don’t worry about it. Have you seen some of Kevin’s films?
Kevin: You’re cruisin’ for a beatin’, Wheaton. Anyway, man, I dug the ape movie, Penny. And I thought you were, like, really great in it.
Penny: Aw.
Wil: You know, I’m in the movie, too.
Kevin: Yeah, whatever. Penny. Penny, how come you’re not in more stuff, man? I’d cast you in a minute.
Penny: Seriously?
Kevin: Oh, yeah, man. I’m actually in pre-production on a movie right now. Way different than anything I’ve ever done before. It’s called Clerks 3. You should come over and read for a part.
Penny: Oh, my, I would love that.
Leonard: You have a new job.
Penny: Well, maybe I can do both.
Leonard: I don’t think you can do both.
Penny: I don’t think I asked you.
Kevin: Yeah, you tell him, Penny.
Leonard: Stay out of it, Kevin Smith.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things?
Amy: Probably not. It’s an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities.
Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb.
Amy: Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do.
Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.
Amy: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.
Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.
Amy: And at the same time, not.
Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.
Amy: You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort.
Sheldon: Isn’t that a little juvenile?
Amy: More juvenile than this?
Sheldon: I’ll get the blankets. You Google how to have childlike fun.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: You know what, I’m being a bad host. Let me get some more coffee.
Bernadette: Oh, let me do it, Howard.
Howard: No, I got it.
Bernadette: So, Josh, what do you do?
Josh: I’m studying oceanography down in San Diego.
Bernadette: Oh, how nice. I loved Finding Nemo.
Raj: Enough chitchat. How do we know you are who you say you are?
Josh: Why would I lie?
Raj: Okay, you got me there. You here looking for money?
Josh: No.
Raj: A kidney, cornea, piece of his liver?
Josh: No.
Raj: You’re in a Beatles cover band and you need Howard to replace your dad as Ringo.
Bernadette: Why don’t you help with the coffee?
Raj: Okay, but something smells fishy. And not just because you work around sea animals. That actually sounds interesting, and I’d like to learn more about it. Hey, you okay?
Howard: Not really. This guy shows up out of the blue, and now I have a brother? My father has another family?
Raj: I get it. What do you want to do?
Howard: I don’t know. I, I’d just like him to go away. I can’t deal with this.
Raj: All right, I’ve got your back.
Howard: Thank you. Come on. And I’d like to point out, this wall just provided a lot of privacy.
Josh: I can’t believe my brother’s an astronaut. That’s amazing. What was it like?
Raj: Listen, dude, it’s time for you to hit the road.
Howard: Hey, hey, the young man asked a good question.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Wil: So, for those of you just tuning in, we are listening to a really fun fight between my co-star…
Leonard: No, no, no. We’re not fighting, we’re just having a conversation.
Wil: All right. We’re listening to a really fun conversation between my co-star from Serial Ape-ist 2 and her fiancé, who doesn’t believe women should have dreams.
Leonard: Give me back that juice.
Penny: What is the harm if I audition?
Leonard: Well, what if you get it?
Penny: I don’t know, I make a movie, become rich and famous, win an Oscar, a Golden Globe and live an incredibly wonderful life.
Leonard: From a Kevin Smith movie?
Kevin: Oh, I’m hanging up now.
Wil: Don’t you listen to him, buddy. You’re awesome. You’re one of the greatest directors of our time.
Kevin: I don’t have a part for you, Wheaton.
Wil: And that was Kevin Smith.
Penny: Thanks a lot.
Leonard: I’m just trying to protect you. How many times did I see you get your heart broken trying to make it as an actress?
Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don’t you try being excited when something good happens?
Leonard: I’m always excited for you. I’m excited that you found this new job where you’re making decent money.
Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make.
Leonard: Wait, twice?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Like, times two twice?
Wil: For those of you at home, Leonard just found out his fiancée makes way more money than he does. Let’s listen.
Leonard: I went to school for half my life. I have a doctorate. I’m still paying off college loans.
Penny: Well, how much do you owe? Maybe I can help you out.
Leonard: Wil, can we just turn off the podcast for a little bit?
Wil: For those of you at home, I am shaking my head no.
Scene: The apartment. Including fort.
Amy: How’s it going, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights.
Amy: Can I come in?
Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.
Amy: Amazing.
Sheldon: I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.
Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let’s sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay. Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: I’m surprised you could hear me with this Thin Mint in your ear. Yeah, pretty cool, huh?
Josh: Yeah. Anyway, I should probably get going.
Bernadette: Howie, have you noticed how often people say that when you start to do magic?
Josh: Sorry, I have a long drive.
Howard: Well, I hope I get to see you again.
Josh: I hope so, too. I’ve always dreamed of having a brother to play catch with.
Bernadette: Keep dreaming.
Howard: Hey, I threw out the first pitch at an Angels game.
Josh: Wow.
Bernadette: He did it with a robot.
Josh: You had sex with a robot?
Howard: That’s not what she meant.
Raj: But technically, yes.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hang on, if you’re making all this money, where is it?
Penny: In a safe place.
Leonard: What does that mean, under your bed?
Penny: No, it means a diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds. I’m not overly conservative. I’m young, so my guy said I can afford to take some risks.
Leonard: Wait a minute, you have a guy?
Penny: Don’t you have a guy?
Leonard: Why would I have a guy? I don’t have any money.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you should really get some money.
Wil: For those of you listening at home, how great is this?
Leonard: Wil, I’m begging you, just please turn that off.
Wil: Sure. And we’re back.
Penny: Leonard, why are you making such a big deal out of this? So our roles have changed a bit over the last couple years. This is the way life is. And I’m sure in time they’ll change again.
Leonard: Great, you’re not only more successful than me, now you’re more mature.
Penny: Okay, look, would it make you feel better if I did something dumb like sneak out of work one day to go audition for a Kevin Smith movie?
Leonard: That would be great, thank you.
Wil: I’m just gonna jump in here real quick. Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you’re all for it. Is it fair to say that she played you like a violin?
Leonard: Yes, it is, Wil.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Josh: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?
Howard: It was actually just a mechanical hand.
Josh: ‘Cause that’s all you need, right?
Howard: You are my brother.
Scene: The fort.
Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or fort off, are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket.
Amy: I’d say, Knox over Ticonderoga, ’cause it’s got the gold.
Sheldon: Mm-hmm.
Amy: And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over.
Sheldon: Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.
Amy: We both know this one’s gonna win.
Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.
Amy: Come on, I’ll help you take this down.
Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?
Amy: Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover.
Sheldon: That’s a big step.
Amy: It’s a big fort.
Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.
Amy: PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers.
Sheldon: G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.
Amy: You got yourself a sleepover.
Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?
Amy: Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up?
Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we’d be in the living room?
Amy: Who says this is the only one I hid?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hello? What is this?
Sheldon: We built a fort.
Leonard: Are those my sheets?
Amy: Yes, they are.
Leonard: Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I’m gonna go to sleep.
Sheldon: Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?
Leonard: Yeah, I’m good.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort?
Sheldon: I want to say no, but it’s too glorious. Get in here.
Leonard: Thank you.
Amy: Okay, have a seat on the floor.
Sheldon: Not there. That’s my spot.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Hey, would you like to hear some songs I’ve rewritten to get children interested in the hard sciences?
Howard: Sure.
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it.
Sheldon: There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…
Leonard: Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it.
Sheldon: Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.
Leonard: That’s pretty cool, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: You guys know the new Discovery class missions that NASA’s been working on?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.
Leonard: Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.
Sheldon: All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.
Raj: Anyway, I’m among a handful of scientists that have been asked to submit a design proposal for the message and its delivery system.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Howard: Good for you.
Leonard: Congratulations.
Raj: And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.
Leonard: Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.
Howard: Yeah, absolutely. You need a device capable of delivering information across a wide range of perceptual modalities.
Sheldon: Any intelligent organism would at the very least need the ability to locate the position of objects in space. So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic.
Howard: Ooh, how about a 3-D tactile communicator rigged for cross-sensory transposition?
Raj: Exactly what I expected. Two people forcing their ideas on me and only one gentleman who could be bothered to ask me what my thoughts were. You two are out. Congratulations, Leonard, you’re on the team.
Leonard: My mommy raised a gentleman.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Hey. Thanks for coming by.
Leonard: Yeah. I’m excited to help.
Raj: I would have included the others, but you know exactly what would’ve happened. They would’ve taken over the project and bossed us around.
Leonard: I get it. Uh, just this morning, Sheldon wouldn’t let me put almond milk on my Grape-Nuts because he said it was a theoretical nut conflict.
Raj: You should have told him to mind his own business.
Leonard: Yeah. That’s better than what I did say, which was, fine, I’ll eat them with club soda.
Raj: What makes them think they’re always in charge of everything?
Leonard: Mmm, they’re alpha males.
Raj: Huh, what does that make us?
Leonard: We could be betas. They’re second in charge.
Raj: Okay, that sounds good.
Leonard: Or we could be omegas. They get pushed around by the alphas and the betas.
Raj: Okay, that sounds like us.
Leonard: Whatever. There’s no alphas here, and this is your project. You’re in charge. How do you want to start?
Raj: I don’t know. How do you want to start?
Leonard: I don’t know. Should we call Sheldon and Howard?
Raj: No. We can do this by ourselves.
Leonard: Okay. Great. How do you want to start?
Raj: I don’t know. How do you want to start?
Scene: The hallway.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon: I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.
Penny: Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you.
Sheldon: How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.
Penny: No, no. It’s about my acting career.
Sheldon: Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.
Penny: Well.
Sheldon: Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.
Penny: Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up.
Sheldon: Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.
Penny: Well, why?
Sheldon: I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.
Penny: You’re really not gonna tell me?
Sheldon: No, that train has left the station. Now, we can play this one of two ways. You can say, trains, tell me more, or you can just look at me like that and I’ll start.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: What’s going on in here?
Howard: I am making molecular cocktails. This sphere is actually a cosmopolitan.
Bernadette: Oh. How do you drink it?
Howard: Oh, just put it in your mouth and pop it like a zit.
Bernadette: I think I’ll have a beer.
Howard: First take a picture with me.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, Raj and I always talked about learning how to make cocktails like this together, so I taught myself and I’m putting this on Instagram so he can see it and feel like a turd. Say cheese.
Bernadette: Is this about the space probe he’s working on without you?
Howard: You betcha. The very one.
Bernadette: Howard, you’re grown men. You guys don’t have to do everything together.
Howard: I know. That’s why I’m spending tonight with you.
Bernadette: Trying to hurt Raj’s feelings.
Howard: With my honeybunch.
Bernadette: You’re being childish.
Howard: No. He is. So I have a dominant personality. We all know that.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. What do we know?
Howard: In social groupings, I just naturally wind up in charge.
Bernadette: Don’t take this the wrong way, but how many of these little booze balls have you had?
Howard: You don’t think I’m a leader?
Bernadette: I was kidding. Of course you are.
Howard: Right. I couldn’t change if I wanted to.
Bernadette: You better not change, because I love who you are. Now, will you need help cleaning all this up when you’re done or can you do it all by yourself?
Howard: All by myself.
Bernadette: There’s my big boss man.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder.
Penny: Okay. Sheldon, let me ask you a question.
Sheldon: Mmm.
Penny: If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on?
Sheldon: Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.
Penny: Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man.
Sheldon: Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you’re right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon: No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.
Penny: I’m sorry. What was I thinking?
Sheldon: Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?
Penny: ‘Cause I already know what he’ll say. Wah, wah, wah, you shouldn’t do it.
Sheldon: Ah, it’s just like he’s here.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Okay, so we know that previous attempts to send a message into space, like the Golden Record on Voyager, were heavily criticized.
Leonard: Well, aliens could only play the Golden Record if they figured out how to build a record player.
Raj: Eh. Although, to be fair, I watched E.T. build a telephone out of a Speak & Spell and an umbrella. Dude was like a little brown MacGyver.
Leonard: That would be more helpful if E.T. were real.
Raj: Well, my feelings were real when he was about to die.
Leonard: My God, when he’s on the table and they use the paddles on him.
Raj: And he’s all white.
Leonard: They zip him up in that bag.
Raj: And Gertie can’t stop crying.
Leonard: The flower dies.
Raj: Okay, let’s talk about something else.
Leonard: All right, so it sounds like we need a way to communicate that’s simple.
Raj: And doesn’t require outside machinery to be built to access it.
Leonard: It’s also a problem because we don’t even know if the aliens who find this can see. I mean, they might communicate in a totally different way than us.
Raj: Like when my dog is mad at me, she tells me by peeing in my slippers.
Leonard: That’s actually a valid example. Animals do deliver messages through scent.
Raj: Bees talk to each other by dancing. Whales have their songs.
Leonard: Yeah. Penny has about twenty different ways of rolling her eyes that each mean something different.
Raj: Okay, so, what it sounds like is, what we want is a device that can deliver a message through not only sight, but other senses, as well.
Leonard: The most basic sense that any space-faring civilization would have to possess is touch.
Raj: Ooh. Ooh, ooh. We could make a video-playing device that simultaneously translates the information into a tactile medium.
Leonard: All we have to do is rig up a 3-D communication system.
Raj: We, we can totally do that.
Leonard: I know.
Raj: This is great.
Leonard: Yeah, you know what else it is?
Raj: What?
Howard: Exactly what Sheldon and Howard said.
Raj: Well, thank you for peeing in my slippers.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon (singing): It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the ear of the bat, it’s the whiskers of the catfish and the walrus.
Howard: Hang on. Not that your song isn’t terrible, it is. but how do you mention bats and leave out sonar?
Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. And also regarding the bat, it has sonar.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Hello.
Raj: Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.
Howard: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.
Leonard: We want you back on the project with us.
Sheldon: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Howard?
Raj: Look, we admit it. The idea that you guys came up with was really good, and I’d love your help.
Howard: I suppose it couldn’t have been easy for you to say that.
Raj: It wasn’t, so are you in?
Sheldon: Certainly.
Howard: Sure.
Leonard: Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it.
Sheldon: Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.
Raj: Okay, I think we should do it right now.
Sheldon: Tonight works better for me.
Raj: Okay.
Scene: A hallway.
Penny (voiceover): Okay, it’s just an audition. Why am I nervous? Maybe it’s a good thing. Just means I want it. And I can have it. This feels right. Why did I ever give this up? (Out loud) I’m starting to remember.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: So, I’d like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it.
Sheldon: Uh, building on that, we should order dinner.
Leonard: How is that building on what he just said?
Howard: Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese.
Raj: Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said.
Sheldon: Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado.
Leonard: Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.
Howard: I saw the menu. They have soy cheese.
Sheldon: Bah, you didn’t say building on. You’re out.
Leonard: It’s not Simon Says.
Raj: Yeah, you’re missing the point, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re out, and you’re out. I win. Who wants pizza?
Scene: The audition room.
Girl: Penny?
Penny: Oh, hey.
Girl: Hey. I haven’t seen you auditioning in a while.
Penny: Yeah, uh, I got a job as a pharmaceutical sales rep.
Girl: You quit acting?
Penny: Well, kind of. But now I get to act like inflamed heart is only a mild side effect.
Second Girl: I heard you can make good money doing that.
Penny: Yeah, it’s going okay, but I do miss this sometimes.
First Girl: Really?
Penny: Mmm.
First Girl: ‘Cause I got to tell you, I am so sick of the humiliation and being treated like a piece of meat.
Audiitoner: Chelsea?
First Girl: Wish me luck.
Second Girl: They’re gonna love you. I heard she’s pushing 40 and everything’s fake.
Penny: Yeah. I started that rumour.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Okay, since we agree on the delivery system for the message, maybe we should talk about what the message could be.
Raj: Well, I think we should show what earthlings look like.
Howard: The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it.
Sheldon: Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.
Leonard: Squeeze yourself.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency.
Raj: Well, maybe there’s a way to appear non-aggressive, but also be able to protect ourselves if necessary. Like smiling and waving with one hand, but the other hand holding the severed head of a tiger.
Howard: You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.
Raj: Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth?
Sheldon: Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard.
Raj: Look, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you do have strong personalities and always end up taking over.
Howard: It’s not always.
Leonard: What about when we went to Comic-Con and dressed like Jabba the Hutt? You got to be Jabba’s head, and I got to be his fat slug butt.
Sheldon: We looked great.
Leonard: You let a guy sit on me.
Howard: He was dressed as Princess Leia. It made a nice picture.
Leonard: I’m just saying, sometimes Raj and I feel pushed aside.
Raj: Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.
Howard: You know what? You’re right. I should have asked you.
Sheldon: Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.
Howard: Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us.
Sheldon: Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.
Leonard: Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us.
Sheldon: I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re not in charge. Raj is in charge.
Sheldon: Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?
Raj: He’s right. If you think about it, we’re all in charge.
Sheldon: No, the guy in charge is in ch… why is everyone so bad at these?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I mean, the whole experience reminded me about how much I hated about that world. You, you know, the anxiety, the depression, the negativity. I don’t want to feel those things. I want to sell drugs to people who feel those things.
Amy: I can’t believe you got up and walked out of an audition for a big movie.
Penny: I did. I mean, I walked in, read for the part, then stunk up the place, but then I walked right out.
Bernadette: Well, I’m glad you have a new appreciation for your job.
Penny: I do, and you know, I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you properly for helping me get it.
Bernadette: Properly, at all. It’s just words I’ve never heard.
Penny: Well, thank you. You’re a good friend, and you changed my life.
Bernadette: You’re welcome. Hey, now that you’re making some real money, maybe you can take your friend out for a nice thank-you dinner.
Penny: Sure.
Amy: And you probably have to invite your other friend ’cause she overheard you talking about it, and it would be awkward to exclude her.
Penny: Okay.
Bernadette: How about now?
Penny: All right.
Bernadette: Don’t forget your wallet.
Penny: I, uh, huh.
Scene: An alien spacecraft.
Sheldon (on screen): Greetings from planet Earth. Just turn left at Alpha Centauri. You can’t miss it.
First Alien: That soft pink alien looks delicious.
Second Alien: I could eat.
Scene: The apartment
Raj: It’s, like, the best one they make, I just can’t get it to work.
Howard: I’ll figure it out.
Raj: It streams HD video straight to your phone while it’s flying.
Howard: Nice. Where were you when I was single?
Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.
Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed.
Amy: Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?
Leonard: Nope. It’s pretty exciting.
Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?
Leonard: How would I be blinded?
Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.
Leonard: I’ll take my chances.
Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make I told you so cards in braille.
Raj: Look, the problem with commencement speeches is that they’re boring. Ooh, do you own a T-shirt cannon?
Howard: Why would he own a T-shirt cannon?
Raj: I don’t know. Why do I own one?
Amy: I think it’s really nice that you’re sharing this experience with Penny.
Leonard: Mm, I thought it’d be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.
Bernadette: Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.
Amy: With a beautiful girl on your arm.
Sheldon: And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard: How’d you get ready so fast?
Penny: Oh, I pack light. Once, I got through an entire spring break with nothing but a long T-shirt and a belt.
Leonard: Why did you need a belt?
Penny: It’s called an evening look. I’ve never been to New Jersey before.
Leonard: It gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
Penny: So it’s not really like that?
Leonard: No, it’s like that. Well, I’m excited to show you around.
Penny: You think we’ll have time to visit your mom over there?
Leonard: Yes. We’ll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I’m not doing that either. (Receives text) Uh-oh. I just got an alert. Our flight’s been cancelled.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Yeah, looks like there’s a big storm all up the East Coast.
Penny: Well, can we get on another airline?
Leonard: I don’t think so.
Penny: So, that’s it? We’re not going?
Leonard: I guess not.
Penny: Well, that sucks.
Leonard: Yeah. I worked hard on that speech, too.
Penny: Oh. You could tell it to me.
Leonard: Oh, thank you, but I’m okay.
Penny: Are you sure? I could pretend I’m a high school cheerleader who can’t control herself around esteemed alumni.
Leonard: Greetings, distinguished cheerleaders.
Penny: Ooh.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera’s on, they’re both on the same network. We should be getting an image.
Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.
Howard: Maybe we should recalibrate it.
Sheldon: All right.
Howard: Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times.
Sheldon: It actually says at least?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: You see where I’m going with this.
Howard: Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.
Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.
Howard: Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green.
Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?
Howard: It means the calibration failed. We have to start over.
Sheldon: Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… eleven. It’s a good thing I didn’t send that letter.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Skype tone plays.
Raj: Mm. Hello, Daddy. What’s up?
Dr Koothrapalli: Not much, just wanted to see how my son’s doing.
Raj: Very well, thank you.
Dr Koothrapalli: Are you still dating that dermatologist?
Raj: If you could feel how soft my skin is, you wouldn’t have to ask.
Dr Koothrapalli: Oh, and there’s something else I wanted to ask you. Why did you spend a month’s rent on a toy helicopter?!
Raj: Oh, you’re where that bill goes.
Dr Koothrapalli: I’m tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle. It’s time you learned responsibility. And the only way to teach you that is to cut off your allowance.
Raj: No, Daddy, no. There are lots of other ways to teach me responsibility. I know, you can give me an egg and make me take care of it for a week.
Dr Koothrapalli: No, my mind is made up. Starting now, you’re on your own.
Raj: But, Daddy, I, I miss my family so much, and with you and Mummy getting a divorce, I feel sad and empty. Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void. So while I can’t hug you every day, flying that helicopter…
Dr Koothrapalli: I’m cutting you off.
Raj: Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: No red and yellow, no red and yellow.
Sheldon: Yay.
Howard: It’s green.
Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.
Howard: Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Howard: Oh. All right, playtime’s over. Let’s open this baby up.
Sheldon: Won’t that void the warranty?
Howard: Sheldon, I have a master’s degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for AppleCare. That pays for itself in the long run.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, where’d you go?
Penny: I got you a little something to cheer you up.
Leonard: Really? Sex last night, pancakes this morning, am I dying?
Penny: Just open it.
Leonard: A cap and gown? Why do I need a cap and gown?
Penny: Because you are giving your commencement speech.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Penny: I called your old high school and convinced them to let you give your speech over Skype.
Leonard: Really? That’s amazing. And you gave me the robes to give it in. Thank you.
Penny: Yeah, now about those, uh, they came from a costume shop, and all they had left was sexy graduate, so they might be a little short.
Leonard: Short and sexy, that’s my wheelhouse.
Penny: Yeah.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Boy, oh, boy, that’s a lot of pieces.
Sheldon: You know what they all do, right?
Howard: Yes, of course.
Sheldon: What about this one?
Howard: Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?
Sheldon: Not very.
Howard: That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit.
Sheldon: So, can you get it working?
Howard: I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I’ve built components for the space station.
Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn’t work.
Howard: It worked fine, it just wasn’t designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: I have to return the helicopter. My father… What did you do?
Sheldon: Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon.
Raj: I don’t freaking believe this.
Howard: Relax, it’ll be fine.
Raj: No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it.
Sheldon: You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while.
Raj: Howard, my father cut me off. I have to get my money back for this.
Howard: Calm down.
Raj: Okay. Okay, you’re right. It’s time for me to step up and take responsibility for my life. Be a man. (On phone) Hello, Mummy.
Mrs Koothrapalli: Hello, Rajesh. What a nice surprise.
Raj: Well, I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing? Are you happy, Mummy?
Mrs Koothrapalli: Such a sweet boy for asking. Can’t believe you come from the poison seed of your father.
Raj: Well, I like to think I take mostly after you. Anyway, speaking of Daddy, I had a very strange conversation with him. He said he couldn’t afford to send me money any more because of his active social life.
Mrs Koothrapalli: What does that mean, active social life?
Raj: Well, let’s not talk about him or whatever shenanigans he may or may not be up to. Let’s talk about you.
Mrs Koothrapalli: Rajesh, is your father seeing someone?
Raj: All I know, Mummy, is that he’s a single wealthy doctor, and now, for some reason, there’s no money for your little boy.
Mrs Koothrapalli: Well, however much money your father was giving you, I’ll give you more.
Raj: Thank you, Mummy, I love you. Helicopters for everybody.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: What’s taking so long?
Leonard: I don’t think this is gonna work.
Penny: Just let me see. Sweetie, you know you’re supposed to wear clothes underneath a graduation gown.
Leonard: A, surprised you know that. B, I wanted to look like a sexy graduate for you.
Penny: Oh. Well, you do.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Yeah. You’re gonna be on Skype, they’re not gonna see your legs.
Leonard: Well, I’m gonna go put on some pants just in case. But I have to say, this is very freeing.
Penny: Add a belt and I’ll take you some place nice.
Leonard: Oh. Done and done.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Okay, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.
Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.
Howard: One toy at a time.
Sheldon: Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.
Raj: What’s the first one?
Howard: Suicide.
Sheldon: Wrong. Obesity.
Bernadette: I have the tool you wanted.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.
Howard: It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am.
Sheldon: Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could.
Bernadette: Why don’t you just call tech support?
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Whoa.
Raj: Not cool.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: There’s two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support.
Bernadette: I call tech support all the time.
Howard: Ha-ha.
Sheldon: You call tech support.
Raj: What a baby.
Scene: Leonard’s old school.
Headmaster: And now, for our commencement address, one of our most distinguished alumni, noted Caltech physicist Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard (on screen): Members of the faculty, students, I’m excited to speak to you today. I can’t help but remember the last time I was in this auditorium. Two guys from the lacrosse team played keep-away with my asthma inhaler. But enough about my ten-year reunion. I’d also like to take a moment to thank my beautiful fiancée for to helping make this speech possible, even though weather nearly prevented it.
Penny: Oh. Hello. I, I didn’t know he was gonna point it at me, so, don’t do drugs and stay in school.
Leonard: They’re graduating.
Penny: Okay, bye.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?
Sheldon: Check.
Howard: GPS?
Raj: Check.
Howard: Battery charged?
Sheldon: Check.
Bernadette: Four hours of our lives gone? Check.
Howard: All right. All systems go. In five…
Together: Four, three, two, one.
Sheldon: That’s what my train used to do.
Bernadette: Ready to call tech support?
Howard: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who’s reading from the same manual I have. (Raj’s phone rings)
Raj: It’s my father, you jerks. Hello, Daddy.
Dr Koothrapalli: What did you say to your mother?
Raj: Nothing. I was just calling to check in, make sure she’s doing okay.
Dr Koothrapalli: Well, after talking to you, she seems to think I’m some sort of playboy.
Raj: Really? I don’t know where she’d get an idea like that. You know Mummy and her crazy imagination I’m so lucky I take after you.
Dr Koothrapalli: You think you take after me?
Raj: Well, I try to. I certainly wouldn’t be a scientist if you hadn’t been my role model. (Re-entering apartment) Who wants to go to Vegas in a real helicopter?
Scene: Leonard’s old school.
Leonard (on screen): It was L. Frank Baum who said no thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge, and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure, wow, I’m boring myself. Sorry, I can’t see any of your faces right now, but I bet they look like this. Uh, you know, I, I wrote an entire speech to say how high school prepares you and what a wonderful place it is, but I hated it. Maybe high school’s great if you look like this, but I didn’t even feel like I existed at that school. And now that I think about it, I bet a lot of you feel the same way. So, for the remainder of my speech, this is for the invisible kids. Uh, maybe you never fit in. Or maybe you’re the smallest kid in the school, or the heaviest or the weirdest. Maybe you’re graduating and you still haven’t had your first kiss. By the way, 19, and Geraldine Coco, wherever you are, thank you. Maybe you don’t have any friends. And guess what? That’s okay. While all the popular kids are off doing whatever, I don’t know what they were doing ’cause I was never there.
Penny: I’ll, I’ll tell you later.
Leonard: My point is, while you’re spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you’re really doing is becoming interesting. And when people finally do notice you, they’re gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it’s over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations.
Scene: The apartment.
Tech Support Voice: Your call is important to us. All our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.
Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I’ll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.
Sheldon: It is awful, isn’t it? Listen to that noise.
Howard: Hang on, hang on. It’s working. I did it.
Raj: How’d you do that?
Howard: No idea, but I did it.
Bernadette: Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.
Howard: Well, I’m not flying it.
Sheldon: Then who is?
Howard: I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else.
Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.
Tech Support Guy: Tech Support, can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes, it’s a robot uprising. Call the police.
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard: So you really think they liked it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I…
Sheldon: Don’t worry, everyone in here is safe.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom’s plane get in?
Leonard: I don’t know, some time tomorrow morning.
Penny: Don’t you want to know for sure?
Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.
Amy: It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
Sheldon: Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look?
Penny: Aw, it’s so nice. She’s gonna love it.
Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they’re a bouquet of severed plant genitals.
Sheldon: You act like I didn’t get you that mushroom log on Valentine’s Day.
Amy: He’s right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.
Penny: You know, your mom’s never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
Leonard: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.
Penny: Really? It didn’t work for you.
Amy: Do you think the moms will get along?
Leonard: Uh, I don’t know. They’re pretty different.
Sheldon: Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother.
Mrs Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.
Mrs Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
Mrs Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.
Sheldon: Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?
Mrs Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?
Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I’m just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I love you, too. My little bowl of lion chow.
Scene: The stairwell.
Dr Hofstadter: So, have you and Penny set a wedding date?
Leonard: No, we’re kind of taking it slow.
Dr Hofstadter: I see.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Dr Hofstadter: You’ve been on and off with this woman for seven years and engaged for one year. One has to wonder if there’s a problem. Are you having satisfactory intercourse?
Leonard: Yes, Mother.
Dr Hofstadter: Only satisfactory. I see.
Leonard: I change my answer. It, it’s amazing. It’s hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
Dr Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.
Leonard: See, this right here, what you’re doing, can you please not do that around Sheldon’s mom?
Dr Hofstadter: Why? Are you attracted to her, too?
Leonard: Of course not. She’s, she’s just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.
Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I’m an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.
Leonard: Thank you.
Dr Hofstadter: Where is she from again?
Leonard: East Texas.
Dr Hofstadter: Ugh.
Leonard: Hey, look who’s here.
Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.
Dr Hofstadter: Likewise. I read your paper, it was very impressive.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Leonard: We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?
Dr Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.
Leonard: That’s so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.
Sheldon: Doctor Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.
Dr Hofstadter: : So nice to meet you.
Mrs Cooper: Nice to meet you, too. How was your flight?
Dr Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours?
Mrs Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone, not saying who, was watching over the plane.
Dr Hofstadter: You’re kidding, right?
Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Stuart.
Stuart: Morning.
Bernadette: We talked about this. I don’t mind you still living here, but we got to have some rules. And rule number one is pants.
Howard: Hey.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Cooper: You must be very proud of your son.
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, yes. He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.
Mrs Cooper: He did?
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he’s terrific.
Sheldon: Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?
Leonard: You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.
Dr Hofstadter: Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?
Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.
Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.
Mrs Cooper: Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.
Sheldon: But I wasn’t. ‘Cause I didn’t have any friends.
Mrs Cooper: No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.
Dr Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.
Sheldon: I was a handful.
Leonard: You still are. Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van der Graaf generator out of our vacuum cleaner.
Dr Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: I mean, for a while, everything was vampires. Now it’s all zombies. I wonder what the next monster fad will be.
Raj: We haven’t had a good invisible man in a while.
Stuart: Clearly, you’ve never seen me try to talk to a woman.
Bernadette: Guys. In the time you’ve been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.
Stuart: I put on pants.
Howard: Kiss-ass.
Bernadette: Okay, I don’t know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom.
Raj: Hey, I don’t even live here.
Bernadette: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
Raj: I do. And some of it’s wool, so dry flat if possible.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh, and here’s a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.
Dr Hofstadter: You don’t look very happy.
Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly does not like change.
Sheldon: Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.
Penny: Hey, sorry, got caught up at work. Hi, Beverly.
Dr Hofstadter: Hello. Oh, okay.
Penny: Sorry, I forgot.
Sheldon: You remember my mother.
Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, Mary.
Mrs Cooper: Good to see you again, dear.
Penny: Ah, yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about.
Leonard: So, Mom, you haven’t seen Penny since we got engaged.
Penny: Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive.
Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.
Leonard: We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?
Sheldon: Oh, sure.
Leonard: It came from Tiffany’s.
Sheldon: You mean the box, right?
Leonard: Keep walking.
Penny: Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.
Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?
Leonard: Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.
Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?
Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner.
Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.
Leonard: Yeah, you’re right. That is the term I’m looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.
Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.
Penny: We’re not in a rush. We’ll set a date when the time is right.
Mrs Cooper: It doesn’t matter, sweetie. The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord.
Dr Hofstadter: Uch.
Mrs Cooper: Uch? The bible is uch to you?
Dr Hofstadter: No, I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. As a psychiatrist, I know how important people’s superstitions can be to them.
Mrs Cooper: You want to talk about superstitions? Sheldon sent me the books you wrote, all that nonsense about superegos and ids. What bull dropped that on the barn floor?
Dr Hofstadter: His name is Sigmund Freud.
Penny: Hey, look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.
Mrs Cooper: Stay out of this.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Mrs Cooper: At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.
Dr Hofstadter: It’s fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?
Mrs Cooper: I know the answer. You’re not gonna like it.
Dr Hofstadter: Try me.
Mrs Cooper: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean?
Dr Hofstadter: : It means, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.
Mrs Cooper: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.
Penny: Why don’t we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.
Sheldon: It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.
Leonard: Oh, don’t flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: How old is this Jell-O?
Stuart: Well, it’s carrots, so gonna say very.
Howard: Sorry we have to do this.
Stuart: Bernadette’s not wrong. She does work hard around here.
Raj: Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing if she stops babying you so much.
Howard: She doesn’t baby me.
Stuart: I saw her pull you home in a wagon.
Howard: For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.
Raj: Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship.
Howard: You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Dr Hofstadter: I’m terribly sorry that I upset your mother.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.
Dr Hofstadter: I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.
Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.
Dr Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out.
Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.
Dr Hofstadter: I suppose.
Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.
Dr Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?
Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself, I always had to earn it.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I’m sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.
Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don’t have to earn my love.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Of course, you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.
Leonard: That’s not what it is.
Penny: I know, I know. Zzzzzzzz.
Mrs Cooper: When your mom gets back, I’m gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Penny: Well, come on now, she did kind of start it.
Mrs Cooper: Doesn’t matter, a good Christian would’ve turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would’ve shot her, so, I just kind of split the difference. Hey, who’s in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?
Leonard: Oh, me.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Mrs Cooper: Coming up.
Leonard: I don’t really feel I deserve it.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: That was a big sticky mess, but I think I got it.
Raj: Looks good.
Stuart: Yeah.
Bernadette: Look at that. You cleaned it up all by yourself.
Howard: Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself. Honestly, I don’t know why you complain so… okay, maybe I missed one spot. Just leave.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Cooper: I’m so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet.
Dr Hofstadter: Me, too. And I respect your right to your beliefs.
Mrs Cooper: And I will pray for you.
Leonard: Okay, Mom, let’s get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else.
Dr Hofstadter: One moment. There’s something I need to say to you.
Leonard: Oh, really? That’s too bad.
Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.
Sheldon: I taught her that.
Dr Hofstadter: Therefore, I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love.
Leonard: Wow. When does that start?
Dr Hofstadter: So needy. Come to Mommy.
Penny: It’s okay, go ahead.
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, my son.
Leonard: Oh, my mother.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Stuart (singing): It’s a hard-knock life.
Together (singing): It’s the hard-knock life for us, it’s the hard-knock life for us. ‘Stead of treated, we get tricked, ‘stead of kisses, we get kicked, it’s the hard-knock life. Got no folks to speak of so it’s the hard-knock row we hoe, cotton blankets ‘stead of wool, empty bellies ‘stead of full, it’s a hard-knock life.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Can you believe it’s been five years since our first date?
Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?
Amy: That’s what you’re thinking about?
Sheldon: Well, one of the things.
Amy: Are any of them me?
Sheldon: Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.
Amy: I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
Amy: Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon: Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
Amy: Oh, sure, I’d love to.
Sheldon: Whenever you’re ready.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart: I don’t want to rush you, but I’m closing a little early tonight.
Raj: Ooh. Hot date?
Stuart: Uh, no. I overheard Bernadette tell Howard she was making him a meat loaf, and you don’t have to not ask me twice.
Emily: If I stick a light bulb on this, wouldn’t it make a great lamp for my bedroom?
Raj: You’re kidding, right?
Emily: Oh. Is this freaking you out?
Raj: I guess I’m just more of a Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel kind of guy. Maybe Pier 1 if I really want to cut loose.
Emily: All right. Never mind.
Raj: No, no, no. Hey, you should totally get it. In fact, I’ll buy it for you.
Stuart: Sold.
Emily: Raj, you don’t have to do that.
Stuart: Too late. No returns.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: That was really intense.
Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers’ market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance.
Leonard: Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite?
Sheldon: What happened?
Penny: Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals.
Sheldon: Been there.
Penny: Mmm. So what do you need help with?
Sheldon: Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.
Penny: Okay. Were you talking before she got upset?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: That’s probably it. What’d you say to her?
Sheldon: Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.
Penny: And that made her angry?
Sheldon: Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.
Penny: Well, Sheldon, when you’re kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her.
Sheldon: It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash.
Penny: Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard?
Leonard: I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.
Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.
Leonard: I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you.
Sheldon: Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.
Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.
Sheldon: Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.
Penny: Okay, see, that’s even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.
Sheldon: If that happens, don’t make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: You guys ever notice that Emily has a bit of a twisted side?
Bernadette: You mean ’cause she has weird tattoos?
Raj: No, because she wants to have sex with me in a graveyard.
Howard: One more time?
Raj: She and I were supposed to watch the new Avengers movie tonight, but it was sold out. So I said, what else do you want to do? She said, let’s go to a cemetery and do it on somebody’s grave.
Howard: Like, a random person or somebody she knew?
Raj: What difference does it make?
Howard: Well, if it’s her father’s grave and they didn’t get along, then you know she holds a grudge.
Bernadette: The only issue is that everybody has their own thing, and as long as it’s two consenting adults, I guess I don’t see the harm in it.
Raj: Well, what if it’s one consenting adult and one adult who pretends to consent because he’s afraid of being alone?
Bernadette: Well, then I guess bring a blanket. The grass gets damp at night.
Raj: I don’t know, guys. Maybe this relationship isn’t for me. Maybe I should break up with her.
Howard: Right. You’re gonna break up with a girl who has sex with you. Can you believe this guy?
Bernadette: I think if Raj wants to break up with a girl, he can do it.
Howard: How are you saying that with a straight face?
Bernadette: I don’t know.
Raj: You guys are being jerks.
Howard: Buddy, other than Jenny Craig, you’ve never broken up with a girl in your life.
Raj: You’re one to talk. You’ve been complaining about Stuart living here for the past year. I don’t see you showing him the door.
Howard: That’s not the same thing. Emily’s a person. Stuart’s more like an infestation, something you spray for.
Raj: Baloney, okay? You two are as afraid of hurting someone’s feelings as I am.
Bernadette: That’s not true. We were just laughing right in your face.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Thanks for cooking.
Leonard: Mmm. My pleasure.
Penny: That carrot was delicious.
Leonard: Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em.
Penny: Still haven’t heard from her?
Sheldon: No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.
Penny: Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.
Sheldon: Too slow?
Penny: Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together.
Sheldon: That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.
Penny: Uh, hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: No. Sheldon, we’re getting married.
Sheldon: But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.
Penny: Well, we will. We’re just not in a rush.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: We’re gonna set a date.
Sheldon: Okay. If you say so.
Penny: Yeah, it’s just, things are good right now.
Leonard: Really good.
Penny: I’m focusing on my job.
Leonard: And we’ve been busy with our paper.
Penny: So busy.
Leonard: Yeah, we’ll pick a date when we pick a date.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: You know, I can see why Amy’s mad at you.
Sheldon: Yeah, shut up, Sheldon.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Did you eat all my yoghurt?
Howard: You mean the one that makes ladies do the thing that ladies pretend they don’t do even though they do?
Bernadette: You know which yoghurt I mean.
Howard: I didn’t touch it. Must have been Stuart.
Bernadette: Maybe Raj is right. Maybe it’s time we tell him he needs to move out.
Howard: We should have done it months ago.
Bernadette: I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays, and then he was sick.
Howard: Yeah, right. Sick. He didn’t have jaundice. He just looks like that.
Bernadette: All right. Tonight’s the night.
Howard: Agreed. When he gets home, I’m dropping the hammer.
Bernadette: Ooh, I like when you take charge.
Howard: Oh, I’m not taking charge, you’re the hammer.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, why haven’t we picked a date?
Penny: You know why.
Leonard: Well, of course I know why. But just for fun, why?
Penny: Not in a rush, busy with work…
Sheldon: Things are good right now.
Penny: Really good.
Leonard: You still want to get married, right?
Penny: Oh, my God. Yes. Why would you even ask that?
Leonard: I don’t know. Because we don’t have a date?
Penny: Well, you want a date, pick a date.
Leonard: It’s not just the date. We haven’t talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor?
Sheldon: Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now.
Penny: Okay, indoor it is. Big or small?
Leonard: Is your dad paying for it?
Penny: I doubt it.
Leonard: Okay, two friends each.
Penny: All right, well, I want it in a church.
Leonard: Fine. I want black-tie.
Penny: Fine. I want to release butterflies.
Sheldon: Seriously? Airborne worms?
Leonard: Okay. Well, then it’s settled. Small indoor church wedding, black-tie, no butterflies.
Penny: Sounds perfect.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: You still didn’t pick a date.
Penny: Stay out of it.
Leonard: Shut up.
Scene: A graveyard.
Emily: Mmm. It’s a beautiful night.
Raj: Oh, yes, we’ve got the moon and the trees and Elizabeth McNulty, who apparently died when she was the same age I am.
Emily: Makes you feel alive, doesn’t it?
Raj: So does enjoying a meal at a well-lit restaurant, but here we are.
Emily: You aren’t scared, are you?
Raj: Of ghosts, no. Of you, little bit.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions.
Penny: No, it’s okay.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe it’s good you got us talking about this stuff.
Sheldon: Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I think we’re good for now.
Sheldon: Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?
Penny: Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything.
Sheldon: So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not a whiner.
Sheldon: It’s amusing that he doesn’t hear it.
Leonard: Look, all she’s saying is we are in love so it doesn’t matter if we get married tomorrow or a year from now or 50 years from now.
Penny: Ew, 50? We’ll be old and gross.
Leonard: Yeah, but we’ll be old and gross together.
Sheldon: My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt.
Penny: Um, I’m free tonight.
Leonard: Are you saying you want to get married?
Penny: Vegas isn’t that far away.
Leonard: I’m in. Let’s do it.
Sheldon: After all these years. I’m really happy for the two of you.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: Now get out of my spot.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: Bernie, Stuart just pulled up. So remember, the key is to be firm. Show no weakness.
Bernadette: Right.
Howard: Good luck.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, you get back here.
Howard: Never should have told you my middle name.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey, you got a minute?
Stuart: Sure. Uh, let me just put this stuff in the fridge. I felt bad for finishing your yoghurt, so I bought more. And, Howard, your favourite fruit is in season. Crunch Berries.
Bernadette: Don’t let that sway you.
Howard: It’s hard not to. They taste so much better than real berries.
Stuart: What’s up?
Bernadette: So, we need to talk.
Scene: The graveyard.
Emily: You okay?
Raj: I think we should talk.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Stuart: Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Well, you’ve been living here a while now.
Stuart: I know. I may sell comic books at work, but the real superheroes are sitting right in front of me.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: His middle name is David. Go.
Scene: The graveyard.
Raj: Look, I care about you a lot, but we are very different people.
Emily: Are you breaking up with me?
Raj: No, no, I’m just pointing out that you’re dark on the inside and I’m dark on the outside.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is… (phone rings)
Howard: You need to take that?
Stuart: It’s just my dad, probably calling to wish me a happy birthday. I’ll call him back. You were saying?
Scene: The graveyard.
Emily: Look, Raj, be honest with me. If you want to end things, just do it. Don’t expect me to do it for you.
Raj: End things? I’m trying to tell you that I love you.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard and Bernadette (singing): Happy birthday to you.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Penny: Wow, there’s a Denny’s in Vegas you can actually get married in.
Leonard: Doesn’t sound very romantic.
Penny: Yeah, but we could get heart-shaped pancakes.
Leonard: I’m sure we’ll find a decent chapel.
Penny: Yeah. This is crazy.
Leonard: I know. You think people are gonna be mad?
Penny: Maybe. But this isn’t about them, it’s about us.
Leonard: It is. It is about us.
Penny: And you know what the best part is? We took our time. I mean, we met, we were friends for a couple years, then we got together, and then we got untogether, then we worked out all our problems, and now we know everything about each other, we can just go forward with no surprises and no regrets.
Leonard: Right. No surprises.
Penny: And no regrets.
Leonard: Uh, well, there, there’s one thing I feel I should tell you.
Penny: What?
Leonard: You know, so we can go into this with no secrets between us.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Remember, uh, a couple years back when I was on that research ship in the North Sea?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Okay, well, there, there was a lot of drinking and craziness going on.
Penny: No, you told me.
Leonard: Okay, um, well, there was this girl.
Penny: What did you do?
Leonard: Nothing really. It was just kissing.
Penny: And then what?
Leonard: And then nothing. I stopped it. But it still bothers me, and I wanted you to know.
Penny: All right.
Leonard: Did you ever do anything like this since we’ve been?
Penny: Nope, never.
Leonard: Oh, that’s too bad.
Penny: You know, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Hmm?
Penny: Why are you telling me this now?
Leonard: Well, like I said, we’re about to get married, and I, I want a clean slate. No secrets.
Penny: Really? Because to me, it seems like we’re about to get married and you’re trying to sabotage it.
Leonard: Would you rather I didn’t tell you?
Penny: No, I don’t want there to be secrets between us.
Leonard: See, now I’m confused. I mean, what, what am I supposed to do?
Penny: Uh, keep your mouth off other women.
Leonard: I can do that. Uh, uh, from now on, this mouth, you and food, that’s it.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: Look, I’m not happy this happened, but I think I can get past it. I mean, we weren’t engaged at the time, and it was just kissing.
Leonard: Right.
Penny: Just kissing.
Leonard: It wasn’t even very good. She was a smoker, I’d just been seasick.
Penny: Okay, that’s enough. Stop talking.
Leonard: So, we’re still getting married?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: Because we love each other.
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: And it’s the happiest day of our lives.
Penny: Ha-ha, don’t push it.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on skype): Hello.
Sheldon: Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think…
Amy: I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years.
Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.
Amy: Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation.
Sheldon: Oh.
Amy: I hope you understand.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: Bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, Gollum, you’re an expert on rings. What do I do with this one?
Following a “previously on” sequence.
Scene: A Wedding Chapel.
Penny: So, what package are you thinking?
Leonard: Mm, this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, they even stream the whole thing live on the Internet.
Penny: Why would we want that?
Leonard: ‘Cause there’s a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don’t believe they can land a short, nearsighted scientist. Let’s give them hope.
Penny: Whatever. Put us on the Internet. I’ve always wanted a wedding with a comment section.
Leonard: If you’re not into this, we can do it another time.
Penny: No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.
Leonard: Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey.
Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?
Leonard: No. Why?
Sheldon: Good. Don’t do it.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.
Leonard: What happened now?
Sheldon: Amy has ended our relationship.
Leonard: Oh, no. Seriously?
Penny: What’s going on?
Leonard: Amy broke up with Sheldon.
Penny: She did?
Sheldon: Is Penny crying?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.
Leonard: Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.
Leonard: Sheldon, uh, okay, just because you’re going through this with Amy doesn’t mean that all women are bad.
Sheldon: Whatever.
Penny (on phone): Hey, I just heard about you and Sheldon. Are you okay?
Amy: Not really. Can you come over?
Penny: Uh, actually I’m in Vegas. Leonard and I are about to get married.
Amy: Hold on. You’re getting married and you didn’t invite me?
Penny: Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing.
Amy: Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.
Penny: Amy, don’t be like that.
Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy’s name?
Leonard: Penny’s on the phone with her.
Sheldon: Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care.
Penny: Okay, will you relax? You’re not missing anything special.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.
Sheldon: Amy’s upset? Is it about me?
Leonard: No, I think it’s because we’re eloping.
Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Oh. What are you doing here?
Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.
Amy: Well, it’s only been 11 hours.
Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.
Amy: Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know.
Sheldon: Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.
Amy: We’re not back together.
Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?
Amy: If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding.
Sheldon: And who’s this guy you’re taking?
Amy: There’s no guy.
Sheldon: Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.
Amy: I’m not gonna be alone. I’ll be with my friends.
Sheldon: Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?
Amy: Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.
Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That’s our thing.
Scene: The Wedding Chapel.
Leonard: They’re running a little behind. Should be pretty soon.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Hey, if you’re hungry, there’s a breakfast buffet at the strip club next door.
Penny: Thanks, but I don’t like glitter on my scrambled eggs.
Leonard: I don’t think the strippers prepare the meal, but okay. Look, it’s not how I pictured it either, but I’m still glad we’re doing it.
Penny: Me, too.
Leonard: You sure?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: And you promise you’re okay with everything from the car?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you stop bringing it up?
Leonard: You’re right. I’m sorry. We have the rest of our lives to dredge stuff up from the past and fight about it. So what do you think? Should we run next door and grab a bite?
Penny: What if they call our names?
Leonard: Oh, don’t worry. They gave me this vibrating coaster.
Penny: Oh, and the fairy tale continues.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s House.
Amy: Thank you for doing this.
Bernadette: Our pleasure. You feeling okay?
Amy: We were together for so long, I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling.
Howard: Well, that’s understandable. You forgot. It’s called happy.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: I’m not saying anything bad. Just that she was in love with her captor and somehow managed to escape from his dark and crazy dungeon.
Stuart: I know what you’re going through. My, my, my last breakup was pretty tough.
Amy: Oh. What was her name?
Stuart: Hey, it’s a true story. I don’t need the third degree.
Bernadette: For God’s sake, Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom.
Bernadette: Howard, do something.
Howard: I’m on it.
Amy: Sheldon, you being here might not be making things better.
Sheldon: I see. And is that why everybody was invited but me?
Amy: They didn’t invite everybody but you.Bernadette invited me, and Stuart lives here.
Raj: Who wants hot cinnamon rolls?
Scene: The Wedding Chapel.
Official: So, when you hear the music, that’s your cue. Any questions?
Leonard: Oh, the package that we paid for said the aisle was supposed to be strewn with rose petals.
Official: Where are the rose petals?!
Female Voice We’re out
Leonard: You know what? It’s fine.
Female Voice: We can use the potpourri from the bathroom!
Penny: Really, we’re good.
Leonard: Yup, just want to get married.
Penny: Yeah.
Official: Great. I’ll see you two up there.
Leonard: This is it.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: I love you.
Penny: I love you, too.
Female Voice: Was that a yes or no on the potpourri?
Penny: No, thank you.
Leonard: We’re good.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s House.
Sheldon: Raj, you’re probably wondering why Amy and I aren’t showing any affection to one another.
Raj: Didn’t even crack the top ten.
Sheldon: Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me.
Amy: I said I needed time to think.
Raj: I’m sure you guys will figure something out.
Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.
Bernadette: Sheldon, shh. The wedding’s starting.
Sheldon: I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.
Howard: I’m not taking sides.
Sheldon: Fine, I guess I’m stuck with Raj.
Raj: Really?
Stuart: At least you got picked.
Scene: The Wedding Chapel.
Official: Before I go any further, have either of you prepared your own vows?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: No. You wrote vows?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Well, I don’t have any. You’re kind of making me look bad.
Leonard: It’s okay. I don’t have to say them.
Penny: No, no, no, go ahead. I’ll come up with something mushy, you’ll cry, we got this.
Leonard: Penny, we are made of particles that have existed since the moment the universe began. I like to think those atoms travelled 14 billion years through time and space to create us, so that we could be together and make each other whole.
Penny: Wow.
Official: Penny?
Penny: Right. Um, okay. Leonard, I mean, you’re not only the love of my life. I mean, you’re my best friend, and, you’ve got a friend in me. You got troubles. I got ’em, too. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. We stick together, and we can see it through, ’cause you’ve got a friend in me.
Official: Is that the song from Toy Story?
Penny: He loves that movie.
Leonard: I do.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Aw, that was beautiful.
Howard: Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful.
Bernadette: No, we totally won.
Sheldon: Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.
Amy: It’s because you’re not giving me any space to think.
Sheldon: Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date.
Amy: You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.
Bernadette: Amy.
Sheldon: Will someone take me home?
Raj: Yeah. Come on, I’ll give you a ride.
Official (voice from computer) …symbolizes your eternal love. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Penny: We did it.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m so glad you guys could watch.
Howard: We’ll say it was beautiful in the comment section.
Scene: Hotel corridor.
Leonard: No, no, no. Hang on. I believe I’m supposed to carry you across the threshold.
Penny: Can you?
Leonard: Who do you think carries Sheldon to bed when he falls asleep in front of the TV?
Penny: Okay, let’s do it. You gonna make it?
Leonard: I’m okay.
Penny: Nicely done.
Leonard: Thank you. Finally, there’s a Mrs. Hofstadter who isn’t disappointed in me.
Penny: Well, the night is still young.
Leonard: Everything all right?
Penny: Yeah. I guess.
Leonard: Just tell me.
Penny: It’s just, when we were kissing, I couldn’t help but picture you with that other girl.
Leonard: Oh, no. No, come on. I have a friend in you. You said so.
Penny: You’re right. Just forget it.
Leonard: Yeah. Okay, listen. If you’re imagining that it was sexy, it wasn’t. We, we were both drunk, and she smelled like an ashtray. The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.
Penny: Did you feel guilty?
Leonard: No, she had dental insurance.
Penny: Did you feel guilty after kissing her?
Leonard: Yes. I felt guilty as soon as it happened. I feel guilty every time I see her.
Penny: What do you mean, every time you see her?
Leonard: What do I mean? Boy, that’s a toughie.
Penny: You still see her?
Leonard: Well, no, not socially. But, you know, just at work.
Penny: You work with her? How could you not tell me that?
Leonard: I wanted to tell you in the car, but you told me to stop talking
Penny: Oh, okay. So you’re saying this is my fault?
Leonard: No, of course not. Okay, look, instead of fighting, why don’t we dim the lights, um, get naked and make a baby? I was trying to lighten the mood. It’s not easy. You try it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Mother.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly! How’s my baby doing?
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, what’s going on?
Sheldon: She broke up with me.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly.
Sheldon: No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.
Mrs Cooper: Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good?
Sheldon: It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.
Mrs Cooper: You want to tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?
Mrs Cooper: Good chance.
Sheldon: Then no, thank you.
Mrs Cooper: Well, honey, don’t send it back yet. Your sister’s married, and I’m not letting your brother give my grandmother’s ring to that whore he’s dating.
Sheldon: Wasn’t Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
Mrs Cooper: When your idiot brother redeems mankind, he can date whoever he wants.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: I know it hurts now, but it’s gonna get better.
Amy: Yeah.
Howard: Everything’s gonna be okay.
Stuart: You’ve got so much to offer.
Amy: Thank you.
Stuart: Any man would be lucky to have you.
Bernadette: That’s true.
Amy: I just hope I did the right thing.
Stuart: I’m sure you did. Maybe that’s the problem, you always do the right thing. Maybe it’s time to do the wrong thing.
Amy: Like you’re doing right now?
Stuart: Exactly.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: I asked you over and over if you were okay. Why would you go through with the wedding if you weren’t?
Penny: I thought I was okay, but it turns out I’m not.
Leonard: Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.
Sheldon: Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.
Leonard: I’m not glowing. I’m upset.
Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon (outside): Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny?
Penny: What’s this?
Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.
Penny: Oh. That’s so sweet of you.
Sheldon: Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.
Penny: I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.
Penny: You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.
Sheldon: He does? Who is it?
Penny: Some girl named Mandy.
Sheldon: Mandy Chao?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better
than Leonard.
Penny: That’s great.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.
Penny: That’s ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.
Penny: I’m with Leonard.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?
Penny: Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it.
Sheldon: Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?
Penny: I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy.
Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?
Penny: Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.
Sheldon: I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Thank you. And slam it hard, because I am pretty steamed.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard (on phone): All right, Leonard, hang in there. Talk to you tomorrow.
Bernadette: What happened? They just got married.
Howard: I don’t know. It’s a mess. They had a huge fight in Vegas.
Bernadette: Think they’ll break up?
Howard: I don’t know. Sounds pretty bad. Penny’s back in her apartment all by herself.
Stuart: Really?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?
Leonard: Sure, let’s make it an even hundred.
Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.
Leonard: I wouldn’t.
Sheldon: And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.
Leonard: Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.
Leonard: I figured that out.
Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.
Leonard: Can’t believe I’m spending my wedding night with you.
Sheldon: Really? I never imagined it any other way.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Why are you up?
Leonard: How am I supposed to sleep? I’ve been married less than 24 hours, and my wife isn’t speaking to me.
Sheldon: Perhaps you can think of this n a more positive light. In one day, you’ve managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve.
Penny (entering): Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: You couldn’t sleep either?
Leonard: Of course not.
Sheldon: Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems.
Leonard: What are we gonna do?
Penny: I don’t know.
Leonard: Please, tell me how I can fix it.
Sheldon: Glad you asked. As I see it, there’s a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.
Leonard: Okay, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Penny: Actually, I think he’s onto something.
Leonard: You can’t be serious. ‘Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you’re gonna do the same with a random guy?
Sheldon: I’m currently single.
Penny: That’s true. You are.
Leonard: What is happening?
Sheldon: I will tell you what is happening. I am saving my best friend’s marriage.
Leonard (waking up): U-u-u-uh!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on skype): Sheldon, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. The only way I can sort through my feelings is if there is space between us. Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me. I go through the pain all over again.
Sheldon: Well, hello to you, too.
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.
Amy: What baby?
Sheldon: A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.
Amy: I’m hanging up.
Sheldon: Great. See you in about half an hour.
Amy: Sheldon, I am not doing Fun With Flags with you.
Sheldon: Why not?
Amy: Because we’re broken up.
Sheldon: Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.
Amy: No one’s talking about Sonny and Cher.
Sheldon: You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.
Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. But I’ve seen and talked to you more in the two days we’ve been broken up than in the last two months that we were together.
Sheldon: Well, if you want to see less of me, maybe we should go out again.
Scene: The Comic Book Store.
Raj: I can’t believe you made out with Mandy Chao.
Leonard: Well, trust me, I wish it never happened.
Raj: And you knew about this this whole time?
Howard: I did.
Raj: And you didn’t think to tell me?
Howard: Leonard asked me to keep it to myself.
Raj: Let’s leave Leonard out of this for the moment. This is about you and me.
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, how is my day-old marriage falling apart becoming about you two?
Raj: Hang on. What do I need to do to make you trust me?
Howard: You think it’s hard having one wife, try having two.
Raj: I bet you told Bernadette all about how he was screwing around with Mandy Chao.
Leonard: Oh, we didn’t screw around. We just got drunk and made out.
Raj: Whatever. It would have been nice to hear it from you.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Sheldon knocks three times.
Amy: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do.
Amy: And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door.
Sheldon: On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.
Amy: Just give me the box.
Sheldon: Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?
Amy: Fine. My old scarf.
Sheldon: You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?
Amy: You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia?
Sheldon: We made one heck of a team, huh?
Amy: Whose bra is this?
Sheldon: It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.
Amy: It’s Penny’s.
Sheldon: Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.
Amy: Good-bye.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Hmm. Tables work, too. Good to know.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Ooh, brownies for girls’ night!
Bernadette: Hands off. I’m mad at you.
Howard: Look, I know it’s a lot of money, but the guy at the store said in five to seven years, it’ll pay for itself.
Bernadette: What will pay for itself?
Howard: Doesn’t matter. What are you mad about?
Bernadette: I’m mad at you for blabbing to me what Leonard did on the North Sea, and I’m mad that I’ve had to hide this from Penny for two years.
Howard: And you have every right to be mad about those things. So, why don’t you let me handle the credit card bill this month, huh? I mean, don’t even look at it.
Bernadette: I mean, if Penny finds out I’ve known all this time and haven’t told her, she’s gonna think I’m a terrible friend. I wish you never told me.
Howard: And I wish Leonard never told me. He’s the bad guy here.
Bernadette: I guess that’s true.
Howard: And you let Penny marry him. Compared to that, who cares if I bought a George Clooney limited edition manscaping kit?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Hi. I’m calling about your marriage counselling services and was curious what your rate is. Really? Um, okay. Is there any kind of discount for length of marriage? ‘Cause we’re just talking hours here.
Penny (entering): Hi.
Leonard: Call you back. Hey.
Penny: Can we talk?
Leonard: I would love that.
Penny: All right, look, I’m sorry I said I was okay with everything before we got married. I hate that we’re going through this, but I don’t know what to do.
Leonard: If you don’t mind waiting for a Groupon, we can try marriage counselling.
Sheldon (entering): Hello.
Leonard: Hey, uh, buddy, can we have some privacy?
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.
Penny: Okay, when I’m done with him, I’m gonna need more information.
Sheldon: Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.
Penny: Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman?
Sheldon: Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.
Leonard: Wake up, wake up, wake up.
Sheldon: Bring Penny to meet Mandy.
Leonard: What? Why?
Sheldon: Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.
Leonard: Uh, first of all, you made that guy cry.
Sheldon: And we learned that you don’t need an eyeball to do that.
Leonard: Secondly, I can’t think of a more horrible idea than Penny meeting Mandy.
Penny: Really? Why is that?
Leonard: What, you actually want to meet her?
Penny: No, but now that you’re being weird about it, maybe I should.
Leonard: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?
Sheldon: Yes. And that’s coming from me.
Leonard: Fine, you want to meet her?
Penny: No, I just want to know that when you’re at work, there’s nothing going on.
Leonard: How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe she has interest in you.
Sheldon: In Leonard? Oh, even the Sparkletts guy could see that’s unlikely.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I guess my big problem is I never saw Leonard as the kind of guy who would do something like this.
Amy: Anybody can make a mistake in a weak moment.
Penny: What do you think?
Bernadette: I don’t know what to think. But then again, I just found out about it.
Penny: You know, I fell in love with Leonard because he wasn’t anything like the guys I was used to dating. I mean, I knew those guys weren’t above cheating because that’s usually how we met.
Amy: Come on, you know Leonard’s not like that.
Penny: I want to believe you. I really do. Am I being naive?
Bernadette: Oh, I don’t know. This is all so new to me. I’m still processing.
Penny: You know, he never would’ve done this when we first met. He’s cockier now.
Amy: That’s because you made him more confident.
Bernadette: You know, if you think about it, without you, he never would’ve grown into the person he is now. I mean, sure, more women might notice him, but I think it’s better to have a guy be with you because he wants to be and not because he thinks he doesn’t have any other choice.
Penny: I never thought about it like that.
Bernadette: Oh, me neither, not until just now.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun With Flags. You may notice that I’m holding a remote control. That’s because my cameraperson and co-host, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, has chosen to end her relationship with me. I’m going to pause here to let that sink in. Okay. If you need to pause a little longer, just click the pause button. But the show must go on. And thankfully, all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand. Anyway, let’s not spend any more time talking about her. We’re here to talk about flags. Tonight’s theme, flags of countries that have been torn apart and the women I have a feeling were responsible.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: You guys have any idea how much it costs to see a marriage counsellor?
Howard: 250 dollars an hour. Why?
Raj: How do you know?
Howard: Bernadette and I have occasionally gone to one to, you know, stay on top of things.
Raj: And I’m just hearing about this now?
Howard: Dude, just because we’re best friends doesn’t mean that I have to tell you everything that goes on.
Raj: You don’t have to, you should want to.
Leonard: Oh, great, there’s Mandy.
Howard: Why are marine biologists always so cute?
Raj: I don’t know, but I’d like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.
Leonard: That’s not helpful.
Howard: Then I won’t say I’d like to cover three-quarters of her surface area.
Leonard: Are we done?
Raj: Not yet, this is fun. Ooh, I know. I’d let her free my willy. Where you going?
Leonard: I’m gonna ask her if she’d be willing to talk to Penny, tell her she has nothing to worry about.
Howard: Leonard, wait.
Leonard: What?
Howard: I’d like to SpongeBob her SquarePants.
Raj: Now we are done.
Leonard: Hey.
Mandy: Oh, hi, Leonard. What’s up?
Leonard: Uh, do you mind if I sit?
Mandy: Sure.
Leonard: So, um, I’ve been thinking a lot about you and me and the boat.
Mandy: What about it?
Leonard: You know, what we did, when we were drunk.
Mandy: Oh, no, did I sleep with you, too?
Leonard: No, we just made out.
Mandy: Oh. Well, good for me. So what can I do for you?
Leonard: Uh, okay, well, um, I got married recently.
Mandy: Oh, congratulations. To Sheldon?
Leonard: Never gets old. No, no, to a girl. Anyway, I told her what happened between you and me, and she’s concerned about us seeing each other at work.
Mandy: It was just a kiss. Why would you even tell her?
Leonard: Because I didn’t want there to be any secrets between us.
Mandy: Is that really the reason?
Leonard: What else would it be?
Mandy: I don’t know. Sounds like you’re trying to sabotage the relationship.
Leonard: No, I don’t think so. Although, Penny did say exactly that.
Mandy: Okay, well, that’s something to think about.
Leonard: You know, on some level, I’ve always believed that I don’t deserve a woman like her.
Mandy: Oh, you’re gonna think about that right here?
Leonard: I mean, she’s really beautiful. She could have any guy she wants. Which is probably why it took her so many years to tell me she loved me.
Mandy: Maybe you should talk to a therapist about this.
Leonard: Too expensive. You’d think I’d be used to women withholding their love. I mean, my mother did. I mean, no matter how hard I tried, she just didn’t have any interest in me.
Mandy: Imagine that.
Leonard: I wonder if that’s why I have such a dysfunctional relationship with Sheldon. I had a dream the other night that I was in a cave and I was nursing a baby, but the baby had Sheldon’s head on it.
Mandy: And your wife is worried about me?
Raj: Hey, Leonard, when you’re done, we came up with a bunch more.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is watching Fun With Flags.
Sheldon (on screen): And then the Czech Republic says to Slovakia, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. Can you believe that? You’d think that the Czech Republic would try to hold on to what it had, given that it’s not as young as it used to be. And I don’t see any other countries lining up to invade its southern borders.
Amy: I’m gonna kill him.
Sheldon: But enough about the Czech Republic. Let’s talk about the time Moldova made Romania a birthday cake and Romania said it tasted good even though it didn’t. And yet Romania gets dumped. I’ll pause here while you mull that one over. I know, right?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, you said you had something to tell me.
Leonard: Okay, yeah, um, do you remember when you accused me of trying to sabotage our wedding?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: I’ve been thinking about it, and you might be right. But the good news is that I’m pretty sure I know why.
Penny: I’m listening.
Leonard: Penny, after all these years, I still feel like maybe I don’t deserve you.
Penny: Okay, that is the lamest excuse you could’ve possibly come up with. But I get it.
Leonard: You do?
Penny: Yeah. Yeah, sometimes I worry you’re gonna wake up and leave me for someone more like you.
Leonard: I don’t even understand why you’re with someone like me. Why would I want to be with someone like me?
Penny: You know what I mean. And, you know, maybe the way I’ve been reacting was me sabotaging this, too.
Leonard: Well, how about we stop being so scared of losing each other and just be together?
Penny: That sounds nice.
Leonard: Good. Because I’ve loved you since the moment we met, and I will keep loving you until the end of time.
Penny: Oh. Oh, my God, that is the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Leonard: Yeah? That’s because you’re beautiful, and your beauty fills my heart with love and song.
Penny: It’s getting kind of cheesy, Leonard.
Leonard: Huh? If you think that’s cheesy, buckle up. Penny Hofstadter, will you please stay married to me?
Penny: Oh, damn it, you topped it. Should we go to the bedroom and make this marriage official?
Leonard: Yes, please.
Penny: Okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Sheldon, I can’t believe you got us a wedding gift.
Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I watch movies, I see what people do.
Leonard: What is this?
Sheldon: Plane tickets and hotel reservations for a weekend away in San Francisco.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: That’s so great.
Sheldon: Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.
Penny: We?
Sheldon: Is there a problem?
Penny: Oh, no, no, I just, I said, Whee.
Amy (at door): How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia?
Sheldon: You saw through that one, did you?
Amy: I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now.
Sheldon: She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.
Amy: I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me with the subject line this is gonna make you mad.
Sheldon: She was listening through the door. She wants me.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Would you pass the mustard?
Leonard: Sure. Hey, want to hear a fun fact about mustard?
Sheldon: Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavour were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defence against caterpillars?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, that was fun. Good for you, Leonard.
Raj (entering with Howard): Hey, there.
Leonard: Hey, you’re early. The movie doesn’t start for an hour.
Howard: Actually, we’re not going to the movies. We are here to kidnap you.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Raj: Well, you eloped and we didn’t get a chance to throw you a bachelor party, so there’s a van downstairs and we’re here to take you to a surprise location for the weekend.
Sheldon: Well, I’d hardly call this kidnapping. Where’s the blindfold? Where’s the duct tape? Where’s the part where you call me and demand ransom and I try to keep you on the phone, but you hang up seconds before I can trace it and then I say I’m getting too old for this crud?
Leonard: When do we leave?
Howard: Right now.
Raj: Yeah, Penny packed you a bag.
Howard: Wow, okay.
Sheldon: You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?
Raj: Oh, not just him, you’re coming, too.
Sheldon: Oh, and how do you think you’re going to get me to do that?
Scene: Outside, by a van.
Sheldon: Unhand me. This is ridiculous.
Howard: I told you to put tape on his mouth.
Raj: And I told you he bit me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The van.
Sheldon: It’s bad enough I’m being taken against my will. I don’t see why it has to be in some hippie’s mobile sex dungeon.
Howard: Well, Sheldon, there’s something about this van that you’re going to find very interesting.
Sheldon: It runs on syphilis?
Raj: This van was owned and driven by your personal physics hero, Richard Feynman.
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Yeah. A buddy of mine let me borrow it.
Leonard: This was Feynman’s van? That’s so cool.
Raj: Yeah, nothing’s been changed since he drove it.
Howard: I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
Sheldon: Yeah, and talked about physics with them.
Leonard: So, are you gonna give us a clue where we’re headed?
Raj: Uh, okay, let’s see. They’ve got spicy food and there’s a chance you’ll get diarrhoea.
Leonard: India.
Raj: We can drive there.
Leonard: Your house?
Howard: We are going to Me-hi-co.
Leonard: Fun, I’ve never been there.
Sheldon: Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.
Raj: What’s wrong with Mexico?
Sheldon: Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.
Howard: Okay, calm down. There’s a theme to this weekend. We are going to Mexico in Feynman’s van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: Viva la Imodium. Ay-ay-ay.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Come on, Leonard’s doing bachelor stuff. You sure we can’t take you to a strip club?
Penny: Nah, if I want to see a naked dancing man, I just flush the toilet while Leonard’s in the shower.
Amy (entering): Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Amy: I know we’re not making a fuss, but in the spirit of bachelorette parties, I made cookies in the shape of male genitals.
Penny: You really didn’t have to, whoa! That is anatomic.
Amy: Thank you. The veins are gummy worms.
Bernadette: Oh, look, Jewish and gentile.
Amy: I had extra dough.
Penny (reading text): Oh, that’s Leonard. He said they’re about to cross the border.
Bernadette: I hope the boys don’t get too crazy in Mexico.
Penny: Oh, yeah, right. Lock up your daughters or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement.
Amy: Boy, that was a long night for me.
Scene: The van.
Sheldon: Uh-oh. According to this Mexican customs website, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, 20 compact discs or 12 VHS tapes.
Raj: We don’t have any of those.
Sheldon: How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.
Leonard: If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now?
Sheldon: Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?
Howard: You don’t need a yellow fever shot to go to Mexico.
Sheldon: You can never be too careful. I got one last year before I went to Epcot.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: So, Penny, how’s married life?
Penny: Oh, it’s good. I just wish Leonard would work up the courage to tell Sheldon he’s moving in here.
Bernadette: You guys still aren’t living together?
Penny: We are. I mean, he sleeps here. But it’s only a matter of time before Sheldon has a bad dream and tries to climb into bed with the Leonard-shaped pile of pillows.
Bernadette: Speaking of Sheldon, how’s single life treating you?
Amy: Fine, I guess. I’ve been focusing on me. I was thinking about changing my wardrobe.
Penny: Yes.
Bernadette: Good for you.
Amy: But then I decided I don’t want to go changing who I am just because of some man.
Penny: Yes.
Bernadette: Good for you.
Penny: You know, it is normal to want to change your look after a breakup.
Amy: Actually, I was thinking of making one small change.
Bernadette: Your sweater?
Penny: Your glasses?
Bernadette: Your hair?
Penny: Your shoes.
Amy: Piercing my ears.
Penny: Oh.
Bernadette: You really never had that done?
Amy: My mom said pierced ears were for whores, pirates and genies.
Penny: Okay, well, you’re a grown woman now.
Amy: I know, but Sheldon had this clause in the Relationship Agreement forbidding cosmetic surgery unless it’s to look like a Klingon.
Bernadette: We’ll take you to the mall to get it done.
Penny: Why? I can do it right here.
Amy: Really? You have a piercing gun?
Penny: No. All you need is a needle and an ice cube. I’ve done it, like, a dozen times.
Amy: Oh, I don’t know.
Penny: Oh, come on. I’ll be gentle. Let me take your ear virginity.
Bernadette: This party’s weird.
Scene: The van.
Leonard: Hey, watch your speed. I hear the Mexican police target tourists.
Howard: Oh, not a problem. If anything goes down, we just put Koothrappali in the driver’s seat and slap a sombrero on his head.
Raj: Dude, how many races can you offend in a single breath?
Howard: I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me?
Leonard: Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool.
Sheldon: It is extraordinary.
Raj: Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness.
Sheldon: I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.
Howard: Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants.
Sheldon: What was that?
Howard: I think it’s a tyre.
Sheldon: What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?
Howard: It’s the tyre.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I am getting too old for this crud.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Amy, I noticed your status still says in a relationship on Facebook.
Amy: You’re right. I should probably let all of my Facebook friends know. Penny, I’m no longer in a relationship.
Bernadette: Did you change yours to married yet?
Penny: Uh, no, not yet. There’s still a few people I haven’t told personally.
Amy: Who?
Penny: Oh, just my parents and my entire family.
Bernadette: What?
Amy: Why?
Penny: Well, I don’t want to hurt my dad. You know, he always wanted to dance with his daughter at her wedding.
Bernadette: What about your sister’s wedding?
Penny: They started to, then her water broke. You know, if he finds out we eloped, it’s gonna break his heart.
Amy: How long do you think you can keep it from him?
Bernadette: Yeah, isn’t it gonna get worse the longer you wait?
Penny: Well, not necessarily. You know, Dad’s not getting any younger, so if I wait long enough, I’ll just tell him he walked me down the aisle and it was magical.
Scene: Mexico.
Raj: When did you learn how to change a tyre?
Howard: Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.
Sheldon: If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone’s shoulders and never coming down.
Leonard: And there’s your damsel.
Howard: Wow, this one’s really stuck.
Raj: Are you turning it the right way?
Howard: No. I took the other four off and when I got to this one, I thought, you know, I’m in a rut, let’s shake things up.
Raj: Here, let me try. You’re right, it doesn’t turn the other way.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: There you go. You’re all done.
Amy: That wasn’t so bad. Nice. Boy, if my mom could see me now, she’d lock me in the sin closet.
Bernadette: That’s a joke, right?
Amy: Actually, the joke was on her. I could still see the TV through the slats.
Penny: I’m starting to see why you and your mom aren’t very close.
Bernadette: Bet she’d still tell her if she got married.
Penny: You’re not gonna let this go, are you?
Amy: Well, it’s kind of sad that they don’t know. I mean, they love Leonard.
Penny: Fine, you want me to call? I’ll call. Why am I so nervous?
Bernadette: It’s understandable. Amy was afraid to tell her mom she broke up with Sheldon.
Penny: Yeah? How did it go? Did she make you crawl into the breaking-up drawer?
Amy: Uh, well, actually, to be honest, I haven’t told her yet.
Penny: You’ve been giving me a hard time and you haven’t even told your mom about Sheldon?
Amy: I’m feeling a little dizzy from all the blood loss. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Penny: Fine. I’m calling home, but when I’m done, you’re calling your mother.
Amy: Easy for you to say. You never had to watch 60 Minutes like this.
Penny: Hey, Daddy.
Penny’s Dad: Hey, slugger. How’s my girl?
Penny: Uh, good. Is Mom around?
Penny’s Dad: Ah, she took your brother out to celebrate. He just got his tenth one-month sober chip. Yeah, she’s gonna make him a little necklace.
Penny: Okay, I’ll talk to her later. Uh, Dad, there’s something I need to tell you. Leonard and I got married.
Penny’s Dad: You did? When?
Penny: Last week. I’m sorry, I should’ve told you. It was a spur of the moment thing. I feel terrible. Please don’t be too disappointed.
Penny’s Dad: Are you happy?
Penny: Very. Leonard is so great.
Penny’s Dad: Well, then I’m happy for you.
Penny: Aw, thank you, Daddy. That means so much.
Penny’s Dad: Well, I understand it’s hard to tell someone something if you think it’s gonna upset ’em.
Penny: It is. You’re the best dad ever.
Penny’s Dad: Yeah. Uh, hold that thought. I’ve been sitting on a little news myself.
Penny: Well, what is it?
Penny’s Dad: You know that rototiller I got for the tractor?
Penny: No.
Penny’s Dad: Oh, you should see it. It is a beautiful piece of machinery. Anyway, uh, I backed over your pet pig with it.
Penny: Moondance?
Penny’s Dad: Yeah, he’s, uh, not dancing anymore.
Penny: You killed my pig?
Penny’s Dad: I did not kill him. The vet took care of that.
Penny: When?
Penny’s Dad: Oh, ten, twelve months ago.
Penny: You didn’t tell me for a year?
Penny’s Dad: Well, apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? Love ya, slugger. Gotta go.
Bernadette: Okay, Amy, your turn.
Scene: Mexico.
Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: It’s called Lamaze breathing. It helps you push.
Howard: Great. He’s pushing with his uterus.
Raj: There’s got to be a smarter way of removing it.
Leonard: Yeah, this is nothing more than a physics problem.
Sheldon: Right. Archimedes once said give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.
Raj: Of course. All we need is to find stuff to make a lever big enough to fix this.
Howard: Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.
Leonard: Let’s see, a lever, a lever.
Sheldon: Everybody hold on. Let’s take this problem one step at a time. First, we need to decide whether we’re calling it leever or lehver. And the sooner we decide it’s leever, the sooner we can roll up our sleeves, not slehves, and get to work.
Leonard: We’re gonna be here foreever.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Thanks a lot, guys.
Bernadette: What did we do?
Penny: Before I made that call, my pig was alive and happy and rolling around in the mud. Now he’s illegally buried in our backyard next to my great-grandmother.
Bernadette: Really? They didn’t eat him?
Penny: No. He was a beloved member of the family.
Bernadette: The breakfast meat family?
Penny: It’s not funny. You’re up. Call your mother.
Amy: Oh, maybe later. Your pig dying made me sad. And a little hungry.
Penny: Phone, now.
Amy: Okay. Okay. Fine. Hi, Mom.
Penny: Try dialing.
Amy: You saw that, huh? Hi, Mom. How are you doing? Oh, good. How’s work? That’s nice. I’m fine. Hey, listen, I’ve been meaning to ask, how come Aunt Doe and Aunt Florence never got along?
Penny: Okay, just give me that. Amy broke up with Sheldon, she got her ears pierced and she made us eat penis cookies. Hang on. She wants to talk to you.
Scene: Mexico.
Leonard: I don’t think the lever’s working.
Howard: What makes you say that?
Leonard: There’s gotta be something else we could try.
Raj: If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.
Howard: No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision.
Sheldon: Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.
Raj: If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk?
Sheldon: Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.
Leonard: Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn’t a perfectly reasonable choice, but we’re scientists. Don’t you think we can figure this out using actual science?
Sheldon: Yes, we could use science. But it’s your bachelor party. Lighten up.
Caption: Scientific Principle: Percussive Shock.
Howard (singing): We will, we will percussive shock you.
Howard and Raj (singing): We will, we will percussive shock you.
Sheldon (singing): Buddy you’re a boy, make a big noise playin’ in the street, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin’ your can all over the place. I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it’s a curse.
Caption: Scientific Principle: Thermal Expansion.
Raj: I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.
Leonard: They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands.
Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?
Howard: We have plenty of food for the animals.
Sheldon: We do?
Howard: Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.
Sheldon: That’s not very nice.
Leonard: It’s a bachelor party. Lighten up.
Caption: Scientific Principle: Accelerated Corrosion.
Sheldon: What is that awful smell?
Howard: It’s burning salsa. I’m hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off.
Sheldon: What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit.
Howard: Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.
Caption: Scientific Principle: Exothermic Reaction.
Sheldon: All right, this rust, combined with the aluminium recovered from the van, is now thermite.
Howard: Great. Couple of pinches ought to do the trick.
Raj: Is that enough to melt the lug nut?
Leonard: Well, let’s start small. We can always add more.
Howard: You put up a good fight, lug nut, but you’ve met your match.
Scene: A moment later, next to the burning van.
Raj: Hey, look, the lug nut’s off.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: What? What are you doing back?
Leonard: We got a flat and couldn’t get the tyre off.
Penny: Oh, I’m sorry.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy’s ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.
Sheldon: We blew up Feynman’s van.
Penny: My dad killed my pig with his tractor.
Leonard: I spent the night in Mexico with Sheldon.
Penny: You win.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.
Penny: Oh, we’re glad you had fun.
Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
Leonard: I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man.
Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?
Leonard: It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space.
Sheldon: What’s wrong with your closet?
Penny: Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together.
Sheldon: So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?
Leonard: Come on, buddy.
Sheldon: No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.
Penny: Sheldon, please, we already feel bad about this.
Sheldon: You know what they don’t sell at The Container Store? Something large enough to contain my disappointment. Although, if anyone did, it would be them.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.
Bernadette: Of course.
Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.
Bernadette: Aw. I’m honoured.
Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.
Bernadette: So, I’m your seventh choice.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.
Bernadette: How can I help you?
Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.
Bernadette: Well, why don’t you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.
Sheldon: Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom.
Stuart: Hey.
Bernadette: Hey. You know who would be the perfect roomie?
Sheldon: Gandalf, but he’s a smoker.
Bernadette: Stuart. He’s been living with us for a while now. I’m sure he’d love to get us out of his hair.
Stuart: Nope, couldn’t be happier.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon’s looking for a roommate.
Stuart: Nope.
Bernadette: He’ll think about it.
Stuart: No I won’t.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Have you seen this Archie comic? It’s actually Archie versus Predator.
Howard: How could Archie defeat Predator?
Raj: I don’t know. Maybe Jughead’s a Terminator.
Stuart: Hey.
Howard: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Do you guys know any musicians?
Howard: Why?
Stuart: I was thinking it might be cool to have live music here a few nights a week. You know, give this place more of a staying in business vibe.
Howard: What kind of music are you thinking of?
Stuart: I like all kinds of music, but my favourite genre is free.
Raj: Hey, we’ve always talked about playing together.
Howard: Well, it could be fun to try a little acoustic thing.
Raj: Oh, we could play filk music.
Stuart: What’s that?
Raj: It’s been around for years. It’s like folk music, but with a sci-fi/fantasy theme.
Stuart: I like it. It sounds exactly like something I shouldn’t be expected to pay for.
Raj: Dude, if we do this, we’re gonna need a cool band name.
Howard: You know, I’ve actually had one I’ve been sitting on for years.
Raj: Really?
Howard: It was for this power trio I tried to put together in junior high, but I was short two friends.
Raj: What is it?
Howard: Footprints on the Moon.
Raj: I just got chills.
Howard: So did I.
Stuart: Me, too. But I, uh, might have Lyme Disease.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Just a few more signatures, and we’ll be finished. Initial here to acknowledge that you’ve returned your key. Okay. As my future neighbour, I’d like you to have a key. Initial here to acknowledge you received it.
Penny: I’m proud of you. You’re taking this really well.
Sheldon: Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.
Leonard: Do I really have to do that now?
Sheldon: No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Leonard: It’s harder than I thought.
Sheldon: Let me help you. L. E. O. N.
Leonard: That helped.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: So I have an idea for a filk song. It’s kind of a, a power ballad, superhero crossover tale of epic proportions.
Howard: Is it cold in here, ’cause, oh, my.
Raj: Okay, so it’s a, it’s a David and Goliath story. It’s about man against God. It’s called Hammer and Whip, The Untold Story of Thor versus Indiana Jones.
Howard: Thor versus Indiana Jones? You just blew my filking mind.
Raj: Okay, I don’t have it all worked out yet, but I was thinking something like, um, Oh, Indy, oh, Indy, the skies are so windy. Is that a flying man with a killer bod? Wait, that’s no man, it’s a Norse god.
Howard: Oh yes, definitely. Hang on. Thunder clapped as Thor raised his mighty hammer. Indy rapped, that’s one bad mamma-jamma.
Raj: That is, that is so good!
Howard: Right? Mamma-jamma just came to me.
Raj: Okay, and here’s the hook. Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.
Together: Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.
Howard: Oh, man, that rocks.
Raj: Hey, remember The Ark of the Covenant?
Howard: Yeah?
Raj: That’s how much we’re gonna melt people’s faces off.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.
Bespectacled Man: Sure.
Sheldon: It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?
Bespectacled Man: Is that supposed to be a joke?
Sheldon: Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.
Fade to another candidate.
Sheldon: In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?
Fade to another candidate.
Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go?
Fade to another candidate.
Sheldon: You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.
Amy (on Skype): I’m not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.
Amy: I’m sure you’ll find somebody else.
Sheldon: I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?
Amy: I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life.
Sheldon: They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.
Amy: I don’t think that was the point of the movie.
Sheldon: Fine, then I was like Pinocchio before that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.
Amy: There you go.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, what are you thinking for dinner?
Leonard: Well, it’s Thai food night.
Penny: Well, honey, you don’t live with Sheldon any more. You can have anything you want.
Leonard: You’re right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue?
Penny: How about Thai food?
Leonard: Oh, thank God.
Penny: Hey, we’re going to dinner. You want to come?
Sheldon: Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.
Leonard: You heard him, no.
Penny: Hang on. Wait, you actually think it’s 2003?
Sheldon: No, just because I’m living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn’t mean I’m delusional. And since it is 2003, I don’t know who you are, so please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.
Scene: A Thai restaurant.
Penny: Are you doing okay?
Leonard: I guess. I’m just, you know, worried about Sheldon.
Penny: Well, come on, he’s a grown man in his 30s pretending to be a grown man in his 20s. He’s fine.
Leonard: I hope so.
Penny: What else can you do? Move back in with him?
Leonard: No, of course not. I just feel bad.
Penny: Well, so do I, but don’t you want to live with your wife and set the thermostat to whatever you want and have your body tell you when it’s time to go to the bathroom, you know, not a schedule slipped underneath your door every morning?
Leonard: I did like that he had the weather on it.
Penny: Trust me, this is the right thing.
Leonard: I know. And it’s not like we’re abandoning him. Plus, we can FaceTime him whenever we want, you know, once iPhones are invented in his universe.
Scene: A bar.
Bernadette: I can’t believe Sheldon asked you to be his roommate.
Amy: I can’t believe he ran my credit.
Bernadette: Hey, if you’re open to living with someone great, I’ll give you a thousand dollars to take Stuart.
Amy: You really should’ve gone on the Internet and checked how long that kind of thing lives before you got one.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. I just thought you might have a pasty, weirdo-shaped hole in your life.
Amy: Hey, I know Sheldon’s quirky, but he’s also brilliant and insightful. I think calling him a weirdo is a little unfair.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, 2003.
Leonard: Hey, we brought you Thai. Where is everything?
Sheldon: In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot.
Leonard: I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening.
Sheldon: No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.
Leonard: Will you knock it off? We’re across the hall.
Sheldon: As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.
Penny: They’re not saying that.
Sheldon: They are in 2003.
Penny: No, no, they’re really not.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (singing): Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One runs from Loki, the other runs from stones. So, what do you think?
Emily: Wow.
Raj: Runs from stones means that, that big boulder, but I couldn’t rhyme anything with boulder.
Emily: Colder, shoulder, soldier, folder.
Raj: Right, yeah, right. But, what do you think?
Emily: I think it’s very cute.
Raj: Cute? It’s not cute. Cute is children dressed as vegetables.
Emily: Okay, fine, it’s not cute.
Raj: Just be honest. You don’t like it.
Emily: I didn’t say that. I, I just like music you can dance to.
Raj: You can dance to this. Um, uh, uh, Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: I’m telling you, dude, the song has no groove, you can’t dance to it.
Howard: Who cares? I thought the whole point of Footprints on the Moon was to write songs that make people think.
Raj: You can do both, like Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean. While you’re dancing you’re thinking, like, darn it, whose baby is it?
Howard: Where’s this coming from? A few hours ago, we both loved this song.
Raj: I still love it. I just think there’s room for improvement.
Howard: You played it for Emily, didn’t you?
Raj: Yeah, so what?
Howard: You are such a wimp. She didn’t like it, now you don’t like it.
Raj: No, no. I’m just evolving as a musician. You’re the one who’s stuck in the past.
Howard: The past was lunch. You know what’s really happening here? Your girlfriend is breaking up our band.
Raj: She has nothing to do with this. I am my own man.
Howard: Oh, please. Your brain belongs to whoever’s willing to sleep with you.
Raj: That is so not true.
Howard: Really? Remember when you were gonna get circumcised for Rachel Bernstein?
Raj: That had nothing to do with Rachel. It was an overreaction to a bad zipper injury.
Howard: I don’t need this. I’m quitting the band.
Raj: Fine, I quit, too.
Howard: Then get out of my house.
Raj: With pleasure.
Howard: Raj, wait.
Raj: What took you so long?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it’s not.
Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too.
Penny: Okay, you don’t know what’s gonna happen.
Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.
Penny: Okay, look, we don’t need to rush into anything. All right? Maybe instead of Leonard moving in with me, we just leave things the way they are, and sometimes we’ll sleep over there, and sometimes we’ll sleep over here.
Sheldon: But mostly here.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Wuh, what about what you said in the restaurant?
Penny: Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog.
Sheldon: You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: All right, great. Just give me one minute, and I’ll get started on a new roommate agreement. Yeah. nothing from Pratt, we’re good.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard (singing): Indy’ whip snapped, Thor’s hammer missed.
Raj (singing): It was Avenger versus archeologist.
Howard: Indy held his ground, and straightened his fedora.
Raj: Thor said, that’s a nice look in nineteen fourty-foura.
Together: Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones. Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.
Stuart: Play something we can dance to.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Leonard: Hey, ready for lunch?
Howard: Oh, one sec.
Sheldon: Is that the prototype drive system for the high-G rover?
Howard: No, Bernadette got me a Fitbit so she can track how much I’m exercising.
Leonard: That’ll teach her to care about your health.
Howard: Yeah, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I die young.
Raj: When was the last actual exercise you got?
Howard: The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.
Sheldon: According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.
Raj: Are you?
Sheldon: Nah, I’ll do it tomorrow.
Leonard: It wouldn’t be the worst thing if we were more active.
Howard: You make an excellent point. Ooh, I think I’m getting a runner’s high.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.
Sheldon: Had me at flag, lost me at football.
Penny: Yeah, I think it’s great you guys want to get more exercise, but do you really think sports is the right choice for you?
Leonard: What are you saying? We’re not coordinated enough to play sports?
Penny: Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.
Leonard: I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.
Leonard: It’s indoors, so no sunscreen.
Sheldon: No throwing, no catching, no running.
Leonard: No gym shorts that can be yanked down.
Sheldon: Or worse, up.
Leonard: Preach.
Sheldon: And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.
Leonard: What about a game of tag on a French schoolyard?
Sheldon: Ah, touché.
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart: Thanks for coming by.
Bernadette: Sure. So how can we help?
Stuart: Well, I know more women are buying comics than ever, but for some reason, I, I can’t get ’em in here.
Penny: All right, well, what have you tried so far?
Stuart: Uh, I’ve, I’ve been stocking more female-oriented titles. Uh, in the bathroom, I folded the end of the toilet paper into a triangle. And, uh, you are now sitting in the official breastfeeding area.
Penny: Really? In a comic book store?
Stuart: Oh, don’t worry. I, I’ve got a camera right up here, so I could watch from the counter and make sure guys aren’t being pervs. Anyway, so what do I got to do to, to get you in the door?
Amy: Well, for starters, you might want to rethink some of this artwork. I mean, this woman’s actually on a leash like a dog.
Stuart: Well, you don’t know the backstory. Maybe she kept jumping up on the couch.
Scene: The gym.
Raj: I feel cool. Like Puss in Boots.
Leonard: I always wanted to be a swashbuckler when I was a kid.
Sheldon: Technically, swashbuckler is a combination of two terms. Swash referring to the sound of the sword. Swash. And then buckler meaning a small shield, which you don’t have.
Raj: We can still be swashers.
Howard: Well said, Puss.
Barry: Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing cwub. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn’t a joke. I hope you’re not here because you think it’s going to be wike Star Wars.
Leonard: That’s not why we’re here.
Raj: Yeah, I’m here because I think it’s gonna be like Game of Thrones.
Howard: And maybe a little Princess Bride.
Raj: Ooh, ooh, I forgot about Princess Bride. That’s my answer.
Barry: Well, sowwy to disappoint you, but fencing is a sewious spowt. If you’re not wiwwing to put in the effowt, you might as well just weave now.
Sheldon: We’re not afraid of physical activity.
Howard: Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today.
Barry: Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Barry: What’s wong, Cooper?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.
Howard: When you’re in a public restroom, which foot do you flush the toilet with?
Sheldon: Right. Always right.
Howard: He’s a righty.
Barry: Okay, show me en garde. Good. Knees bent, swightwy over the toe. Non-sword hand up for bawance.
Howard: Oh, God, I am going to feel this tomorrow.
Barry: The first move is called an advance. You move your fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. So fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. Now you twy. Advance. And advance. And advance.
Leonard: This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup.
Barry: Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?
Barry: Yes.
Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?
Barry: In fencing, we don’t call it a stab. We call it a touch.
Sheldon: Uh, yes, I’m aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I’ll get called into Human Resources.
Barry: Okay, on thwee, Cooper and Koothwappawi advance, the other two wetweat. One, two, thwee. Vewy good. Switch it up. One, two, thwee. Switch again. One, two, thwee. (Phone rings) Excuse me. Can I call you back? No, I’m teaching a cwass. Sure. Sure. An hour, tops. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. And one, two, thwee.
Scene: The comic book store.
Amy: Have you thought about advertising directly to females?
Stuart: Hmm, okay. Well, alright, what if I put up a sign in the window that said women, come in. Don’t be afraid.
Penny: Hey, have you read the online reviews for this place?
Stuart: Eh, the Internet’s so negative. I try to avoid it.
Penny: All right, well, Heather H says, the owner stared at me the whole time and didn’t blink once. Kelly M says, the creepy guy who runs it asked me out, then called himself stupid before I could say no. Jessica K says, I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt. He took it off and gave it to me.
Stuart: See? Negative.
Scene: The gym.
Barry: With your foil extended, kick your fwont weg up and push off with your back weg. Now you twy. And again. And again.
Raj: Look at us. We’re like the Rockettes.
Sheldon: En garde, Leonard. Prepare yourself for a rigorous touching.
Howard: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Raj: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Howard: I thought you were Puss in Boots.
Raj: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Sheldon: I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.
Leonard: When was your honour insulted?
Sheldon: My last physical.
Leonard: Again, that doctor didn’t insult your honour. Just checked your prostate.
Raj: My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Howard: My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die.
Sheldon: Ah, this is fun.
Leonard: Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy.
Barry: What’s going on with Amy?
Sheldon: Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.
Barry: Weawwy? Good to know.
Sheldon: Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?
Leonard: Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her.
Sheldon: Well, that’s unacceptable.
Leonard: Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you.
Sheldon: Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.
Leonard: Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point.
Sheldon: You really think so?
Leonard: Of course. She deserves to be happy.
Sheldon: How dare you.
Scene: Later.
Leonard: Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn’t a good idea.
Sheldon: Barry, a word?
Leonard: And now the crazy version of what I just said.
Sheldon: If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.
Barry: And how are you gonna do that?
Sheldon: By challenging you to a duel.
Barry: You’ve had one wesson. I’ll destwoy you.
Sheldon: That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you’re worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I’m going to touch you all over.
Leonard: Wow. That, that was crazier than I thought.
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart: All right, I’m not saying it’s true, but let’s, let’s consider for a moment that possibly I’m the problem.
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: You are.
Amy: You can say it.
Stuart: Okay, fine. What, I mean, what can I do? I get so nervous around women.
Penny: Well, you’re talking to us now. I mean, you don’t seem nervous.
Stuart: Well, that’s ’cause I’m doing that trick where you imagine the audience is naked. By the way, thumbs up, ladies.
Amy: Do you not hear how creepy that sounds?
Stuart: It was a joke.
Bernadette: Was it?
Stuart: No, I’m still doing it.
Penny: Okay. Don’t be offended, but, what went wrong with you?
Stuart: I, I guess I assumed at this point in my life, I would be married or in a relationship, or even have a pet that didn’t run away or kill itself.
Bernadette: That really happened?
Stuart: I mean, I can’t say for sure, but I swear that rabbit looked me right in the eye before it hopped in front of that car. Anyway, the longer I’m alone, the more desperate I get.
Amy: Stuart, believe it or not, I understand. You know, before I met Sheldon, I was alone for a really long time. I was so desperate for people to like me, when I met these guys, it took everything in my power to hide my insecurity.
Stuart: Okay, we’re all feeling it. Yes, I’ll go out with you.
Amy: Suddenly, the rabbit thing makes sense.
Scene: A sports bar.
Leonard: I’m surprised you wanted to go to a sports bar, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look at this blister. Like it or not, we’re athletes now. Besides, a bar is where I belong. I’m having female problems.
Leonard: If you’re cranky and retaining water, I have a theory.
Howard: Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl.
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.
Raj: Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you.
Sheldon: True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.
Leonard: Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends?
Sheldon: There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.
Raj: Whoa, whoa. Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn’t work.
Sheldon: You’re forgetting something. Ladies love jocks.
Raj: How many sips of that beer did he have?
Leonard: Three.
Howard: Oh, boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.
Woman: What?
Sheldon: It’s a Pokémon reference.
Woman: I don’t know what that means.
Sheldon: Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?
Older woman: I’m married, and I’m her grandmother.
Sheldon: Ah, what might have been. And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Stuart took that rejection like a pro.
Penny: Well, he knew he was on the breast cam.
Amy: I don’t have much experience turning men down. It wasn’t so much fun.
Bernadette: Oh, you get used to it. Some guys you have to turn down over and over.
Penny: And sometimes we marry them anyway.
Amy (Phone text sound): Huh. Well, this is weird.
Penny: What?
Amy: Barry Kripke just asked me out.
Bernadette: Oh. Look at you, two guys in one day.
Penny: I told you things would change if you plucked your eyebrows.
Bernadette: What did he say?
Amy: Hi, how are you? I was wondering if you’d like to get a drink after work sometime.
Penny: Well, what are you gonna do?
Amy: I don’t know. I guess I assumed that I would eventually date other people, but this is happening so fast.
Bernadette: What can it hurt?
Amy: Well, I was hoping the next person I dated would be a little less like Sheldon.
Bernadette: You mean, not a scientist?
Penny: I think she means not a weirdo.
Bernadette: Are you attracted to him?
Amy: I don’t know.
Penny: All right, well, what happens if you imagine him naked?
Amy: Oh, I don’t have to imagine it.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: I smell funny. I taste salty.
Leonard: You’re just sweaty from exercise.
Sheldon: And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me.
Leonard: I know it only takes one doctor’s finger.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: We should let you guys talk.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Sheldon: You don’t have to leave.
Leonard: Look at me go.
Amy: Uh, Bernadette, you’re my ride.
Bernadette: Walk.
Amy: How have you been?
Sheldon: I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today.
Amy: How’d that go?
Sheldon: It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.
Amy: Well, actually, he, he already did.
Sheldon: Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.
Amy: I said no.
Sheldon: Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.
Amy: I didn’t know you were interested in dating.
Sheldon: I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.
Amy: Oh. Okay. Anyway, um, it’s nice to see you. You look good.
Sheldon: Thanks. And I taste good too.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Howie?
Howard: What’s up?
Bernadette: Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday?
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve got terrible news.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical.
Leonard: Just tell me.
Sheldon: A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.
Leonard: Oh, well, that kind of stinks.
Sheldon: That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.
Leonard: What are we going to do?
Sheldon: Perform the experiment immediately.
Leonard: I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month.
Sheldon: A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.
Leonard: That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes.
Sheldon: Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.
Leonard: Let’s go check to see if the university has any helium in reserve.
Sheldon: Did you know that I almost didn’t wear this shirt today?
Scene: Barry Kripke’s office.
Leonard: Hey, Barry, we’re in trouble. We need liquid helium, does the department have any we can use?
Barry: Sowwy, there’s a showtage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.
Sheldon: But you won’t need much for that.
Barry: Twue, but if it’s successful, I’m having a pawty with bawwoons.
Leonard: Come on, Barry, there’s a Swedish team trying to run our experiment before us. Can’t you spare any?
Barry: Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Not a chance.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?
Barry: Hell no.
Sheldon: He could’ve softened the blow.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Raj: Why do you need Kripke? Can’t you just go to Party City for helium?
Leonard: We’d have to go to every Party City in California.
Howard: Sounds like you on Cinco de Mayo.
Raj: Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo.
Sheldon: Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball.
Howard: If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.
Leonard: Who is he?
Sheldon: Where does he work?
Leonard: How does he get the helium?
Sheldon: How many questions are too many questions?
Howard: Maybe he’s not for you.
Sheldon: Four questions. There answer’s four.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Hey, you know who went out on a date the other night? Stuart.
Penny: Oh, good for him.
Bernadette: I thought so, too.
Penny: So is she, like, homeless, or framing him for a crime?
Bernadette: He’s using some kind of dating app on his phone.
Penny: Oh, which one? Maybe we can get Amy to try it.
Bernadette: I don’t know. Stuart, can you come in here? He tried to explain it to me. It shows you pictures of people nearby, you swipe them around, it looks kind of like a game.
Penny: Oh, and if you lose the game, you have to go out with Stuart.
Stuart: What’s up?
Bernadette: Can you show us that dating app?
Stuart: Oh, yeah, sure. This thing has changed my life.
Penny: Wow. So how many girls have you met?
Stuart: Two. I probably don’t need to mention there’s an entire number between that and zero.
Penny: Well, so how does it work?
Stuart: Uh, well, it, it shows me all the single women in a five-mile radius who are using the app. If I like the way they look I hit thumbs up, if I don’t, thumbs down.
Bernadette: Oh, what would make you give a girl a thumbs down?
Stuart: First time it happens I will let you know.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Oh, hey. I just heard back from the liquid helium guy.
Sheldon: What’s he say?
Leonard: He’s got what we need and can meet us tonight.
Sheldon: Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?
Leonard: The man restocking the cereal shelves.
Sheldon: That’s right. And what did he do?
Leonard: He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch.
Sheldon: It’s like it was yesterday.
Leonard: Do you want liquid helium or not?
Sheldon: Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.
Leonard: Then I’m going to tell him we’re in.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.
Leonard: We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys.
Sheldon: Was she helping him with his research?
Leonard: Sure. So, are we doing this?
Sheldon: Well, but where does he get the helium?
Leonard: Remember? Don’t ask too many questions?
Sheldon: Uh, but this is violating university code.
Leonard: A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man.
Sheldon: Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.
Leonard: Done.
Sheldon: I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?
Leonard: Before I answer, may I just say your skin has never looked better.
Sheldon: Aren’t you just made of sugar.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Amy: I’m not sure how I feel about this.
Penny: Oh, come on, just let him put the app on your phone.
Bernadette: Yeah, Stuart got two dates with it.
Stuart: One of which would’ve ended in sex had she not said no. Okay, all set.
Penny: Okay, let me see. Nope, nope, nope, oh, he’s cute.
Bernadette: Doesn’t a teardrop tattoo mean he murdered someone?
Penny: And he’s sad about it.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hello.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: Hey, I thought you were gonna be out late?
Howard: If you wanted me to stay out later, you should’ve given me more spending money.
Raj: What are you guys up to?
Bernadette: We put Amy on a dating app, and we’re seeing what’s out there.
Raj: Oh, fun. Let me see. Uh, no, no, uh, definitely not.
Howard: What was wrong with that guy?
Raj: Uh, he’s Indian. We’ve already got one of those. Ooh, we should find a nice Latino, really round us out.
Howard: Hey, I want to try.
Amy: Uh, excuse me, can I have my phone back?
Howard: Hang on, I’m trying to find you the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children. Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?
Scene: A parking garage.
Leonard: That must be him.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. An nondescript, white panel van. You may be familiar with it from the sentence, their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van.
Leonard: Hey.
Man: What’s up?
Leonard: Uh, I’m Leonard. This is my friend…
Sheldon: I’m Skippy. Skippy Cavanaugh.
Man: Great. You got the cash?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, uh, right here.
Sheldon: Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?
Leonard: What ya doing, Skippy?
Sheldon: Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.
Man: Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me?
Sheldon: Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.
Leonard: Look, you can trust us. We’re respected scientists.
Sheldon: Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.
Man: Yeah, well, from my perspective, that’s how you two appear to me.
Sheldon: Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it?
Leonard: My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.
Man: Ah, no money, no helium. Seems we’re at a, uh, stalemate.
Sheldon: Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination.
Man: Huh. All these years I’ve been using stalemate, when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish.
Leonard: I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?
Man: Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.
Man: Hmm, I don’t follow.
Sheldon: Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.
Man: Is that a threat?
Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.
Man: Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground.
Sheldon: Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?
Leonard: Afraid so, Skippy.
Sheldon: I told you we shouldn’t go shopping at night.
Leonard: All right, let’s all just calm down. Nobody wants to report anybody.
Man: No, I don’t like this. I’m out.
Leonard: No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.
Man: Really? What’s the hypothesis?
Sheldon: Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.
Man: Hmm. Could be, could be. Go on.
Leonard: Okay, but now there’s this Swedish team that read our paper and they’re trying to beat us to our own discovery. We really need this helium.
Sheldon: And I’m sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can’t find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.
Leonard: Here’s the money. Can we do this?
Man: Okay. It’s a shame about those scientists ripping you off. I expected a higher ethical standard from our friends in Sweden.
Leonard: It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.
Man: Well, for the right amount of money, if you know where they live, there’s, uh, plenty we could do about it.
Sheldon: Did you hear that, Leonard? There’s plenty we could do about it. Do you have a card?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Penny: Okay, here we go. Now everyone can see. All right. Where do we stand on cross-eyed Mike?
Raj: You know he won’t be looking at other girls.
Howard: Unless they’re sitting on the end of his nose.
Penny: Okay, okay, okay. Thumbs down. Next.
Bernadette: Ew, check out his tiny teeth. He looks like a man-dolphin.
Penny: Well if he’s good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
Howard: I love you, Amy. (Dolphin noises)
Amy: Okay, I’m starting to feel guilty. Aren’t we being a little mean?
Raj: That’s a fair point. We wouldn’t make fun of someone like this to their face.
Penny: Look, it’s Stuart.
Raj: You may want to leave the room.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Sheldon: Right this way, Uncle Harvey.
Leonard: Will you stop with that already?
Sheldon: I’m trying not to attract attention.
Leonard: And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn’t do that?
Sheldon: She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?
Leonard: Let’s just start the experiment.
Sheldon: Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.
Leonard: We’re not getting caught.
Sheldon: Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?
Leonard: The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up.
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Well, did you see this sticker?
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.
Leonard: It’s probably USC or UCLA.
Sheldon: Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.
Leonard: Let’s not jump to conclusions. A lot of things start with U.
Sheldon: That’s true. There’s the U.S. Air Force, U.S. Department of Defence, U.S. Navy, you and I are going to jail.
Leonard: Listen, we can do the experiment as planned and beat the Swedish team to the punch, or we can kiss our dreams good-bye because we were to afraid to break a few rules.
Scene: A university corridor.
Leonard: Ma’am.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Penny: Okay, does everyone remember the rules? If he’s shirtless, one sip. Posing with a pet, two sips. Pet and shirtless, chug like it’s your job. And pull.
Raj: I have that same underwear.
Penny: Chug.
Penny: Amy, you’re getting a text.
Amy: Oh, um, give me that.
Raj: I had a great time last night.
Amy: No, no, stop reading that.
Howard: Who’s Dave?
Penny: You went on a date last night? Are you seeing someone?
Amy: No, it, it’s not like that.
Bernadette: And I’d love to take you out again”?
All: Amy/What?/Can’t believe it/Oh, my God.
Amy: Okay, it’s like that.
Scene: The parking garage.
Leonard: Thank you for coming back.
Man: Yeah, well, normally I wouldn’t, but my daughter’s having a sleepover, and there’s only so much screaming and Katy Perry a man can take.
Sheldon: Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way.
Man: Yeah, well, is there something wrong with it?
Leonard: No, nothing. We just changed our mind.
Sheldon: He has glasses and I’m a know-it-all, we are not built for prison.
Man: Yeah, I hear you. Well, you’re good guys, so I’ll, uh, I’ll take the helium off your hands.
Leonard: Thank you.
Man: But you ain’t getting your money back.
Sheldon: You’re taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.
Man: Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business.
Leonard: You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.
Man: No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee.
Sheldon: I don’t understand.
Leonard: He wants more money.
Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.
Man: That’s exactly how much it is.
Sheldon: Finally, something breaks our way.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Penny: I can’t believe you’re seeing someone and we don’t even know about it.
Bernadette: Yeah, why wouldn’t you tell us?
Amy: Because it’s new and weird and I’m just trying to figure it all out. And I knew if I told you guys I had been out with a few people that you’d get way too excited about it.
Stuart: A few people?
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Amy.
Stuart: So, are we allowed to ask how it’s going?
Amy: It’s going fine. It’s mostly just been meeting people for coffee.
Raj: What? I thought we were all… never mind.
Bernadette: I, I thought you weren’t ready to start seeing people.
Amy: Well, I don’t have much experience dating, so I decided it would be good for me to, you know, get out there a little.
Penny: Well, good for you.
Amy: Thank you.
Bernadette: And how many guys have you gone out with?
Stuart: Please be less than two.
Amy: Three.
Stuart: Damn it.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won’t get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you’ve seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.
Barry: Hey, I’ve been thinking. I was being petty. You can have my hewium.
Leonard: Thank you, Barry.
Barry: But you have to add my name to your paper.
Sheldon: That’s preposterous.
Barry: I don’t know, seems fair. You can’t do it without me.
Leonard: Can you give us a minute?
Barry: Take your time. I’ll walk out backwards for dwamatic effect.
Sheldon: I don’t like being extorted like this. Especially by him of all people.
Leonard: Me neither, but what other choice do we have?
Scene: The parking garage.
Leonard: I promise this is the last time.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: It says right here on Wikipedia. A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties.
Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties?
Helium Man: They should’ve used among, right?
Sheldon: Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.
Helium Man: All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?
Sheldon: Absolutely. But don’t be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.
Helium Man: I am open to change.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at 13 have problems succeeding later in life?
Raj: Hmm. I’m doing okay, and I was very popular at 13.
Penny: In school?
Raj: Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names.
Penny: Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?
Leonard: You tell me, you woke up in bed with one.
Sheldon: Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.
Leonard: Why is he writing to you?
Sheldon: Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.
Raj: Oh. Hey, high five.
Sheldon: Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?
Penny: Yes. Don’t take your shirt off just because the director said so.
Sheldon: This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I’m sure if there’s nudity, it will be tasteful.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Hey. You got a minute?
Howard: Not really. Visigoths are kind of up my butt right now.
Bernadette: Pause the game, Howard.
Howard: Howard? Uh-oh. Make room, Visigoths. ‘Sup?
Bernadette: We need to talk about redecorating this place.
Howard: Oh, no, not this again.
Bernadette: Look, I get that you grew up here and you’re attached to things looking a certain way, but I want this to feel like my house, too.
Howard: Oh, honey, of course it’s your house. Why else would you be cleaning it all the time?
Bernadette: All right. Let’s start over. I’m redecorating. The furniture, the carpeting, the walls. I’m changing everything that depresses me when I look at it. Try not to be one of those things.
Howard: May I say something?
Bernadette: Is it about how I can’t have new wallpaper ’cause your dad left when you were little and your mom died?
Howard: Never mind.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Amy. It’s Sheldon. Yeah, I, I know that we’re broken up, but I’m leaving this message because I thought perhaps you’d like to watch me be interviewed for a documentary about Mr. Spock. Or as I like to call it, a Spockumentary. Yeah, I’m going to use that joke in the interview, so try to laugh like you’re hearing it for the first time. You know, hysterically, hmm? And with a tinge of sadness that I’m no longer in your life.
Leonard: I’m the one who thought of Spockumentary.
Penny: And I’m laughing like I did the first time I heard it.
Sheldon (answering door): Hello.
Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.
Adam: Nice to meet you.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s nice to meet you. I admire your father’s work very much. It’s not every day I get to meet someone whose life’s journey began in my hero’s scrotum.
Wil: I told you. This guy is gold.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Whatcha doing?
Howard: Oh. Making myself a bologna sandwich like my mom used to make me after my dad left, but before she died.
Bernadette: Okay, listen, I’m thinking that maybe we can compromise on the house.
Howard: I’m listening.
Bernadette: Let’s just redo one room and see how it goes.
Howard: That is reasonable. But what room?
Bernadette: How ’bout this one?
Howard: No way. No, this is the room I associate the most with my mom.
Bernadette: Then how ’bout the bathroom?
Howard: I want to change my answer.
Bernadette: Fine. Then the dining room.
Howard: I guess we didn’t use it very often. Unless we had company. Which didn’t happen much after my dad left and not at all after my mom…
Bernadette: Great. I’m gonna go pick out paint samples.
Scene: The apartment.
Adam: All right, we’re just gonna have a conversation. Pretend the camera’s not here.
Sheldon: All right. But this better not be some elaborate scheme to get me out of my shirt.
Leonard: How long have you known Adam?
Wil: A few years.
Leonard: And what are you getting him back for?
Adam: Let’s start with your name and occupation.
Sheldon: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.
Adam: And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock?
Sheldon: The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.
Adam: What was it about Spock that appealed to you?
Sheldon: I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion. Spock came from a planet governed only by logic. You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, why are you hitting yourself? the answer is, I’m not. You’re moving my arm. To which he says, Fascinating. And then you both watch educational television.
Penny: Aw. When he says things like that, I just want to hug him and make everything better.
Leonard: My brother was mean to me, too.
Penny: Yeah, you probably had it coming.
Adam: Do you have any Spock collectibles?
Sheldon: I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there.
Penny: Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on.
Adam: Can we see the napkin?
Sheldon: Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.
Leonard: When did we get a wall safe?
Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.
Leonard: When did we get a floor safe?
Sheldon: When we got the security camera.
Leonard: There’s a security camera?
Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
Penny: Oh, my God. We’ve done things on that couch.
Sheldon: Yeah. You don’t have to tell me.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: So, your father-in-law is in there right now?
Howard: Yes. So back me up. The house is good the way it is.
Raj: Oh, okay. Got it.
Howard: Hey. What’s going on?
Raj: Hey.
Bernadette: Hey, Raj. Dad and I were just talking about taking down this wall.
Raj: You sure? It’s a pretty great wall.
Mr Rostenkowski: What’s so great about it?
Raj: I’m sorry. I did what I could.
Bernadette: Seriously? You brought Raj over to take your side?
Howard: Your dad’s on your side.
Bernadette: He’s not on my side. He’s doing all the work for free.
Raj: That is so generous of you. I’d like to switch sides.
Howard: Look, uh, I don’t even think you can take this wall down ’cause it’s load-bearing.
Raj: Well, it’s easy to find out. Just go into the crawlspace under the house and check.
Howard: When is your visa up?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Not only is it signed to me but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy’s DNA.
Wil: Um, doesn’t Adam count as Leonard Nimoy’s DNA?
Sheldon: No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.
Penny: Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there?
Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Penny: I would.
Sheldon: All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.
Leonard: You have a will?
Sheldon: Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil.
Leonard: Will Wil want it?
Wil: Wil won’t.
Penny: Oh, what’s that ring box?
Sheldon: Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy.
Penny: What?
Leonard: You bought her a ring?
Sheldon: No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.
Wil: Sheldon, that’s awful.
Sheldon: No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.
Penny: Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this?
Sheldon: No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.
Leonard: Oh, man, I’m sorry, that must have been devastating for you.
Sheldon: No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best.
Penny: I know. It just…
Sheldon (shouting): I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?
Adam: Did you find that helpful?
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe.
Penny: I knew I could smell ’em.
Adam: What about from when you were a kid?
Sheldon: Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.
Adam: Did it work?
Sheldon: Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.
Adam: That must have been very upsetting for you.
Sheldon: Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.
Penny: Oh pfft.
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Penny: I’m sorry. I’m not here.
Sheldon: No. You went pfft. What does pfft mean?
Penny: Um.
Leonard: You did go pfft.
Penny: All right, fine. Well, Sheldon, I’m no expert, but aren’t you completely missing the point of Spock? I mean, he liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human.
Leonard: Just like you.
Penny: I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else.
Sheldon: Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.
Penny: Sweetie, you’re yelling.
Sheldon: Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I’ve put this Amy nonsense behind me.
Wil: This documentary is gonna be awesome.
Scene: The crawlspace under Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Mr Rostenkowski: You gonna be okay down here?
Howard: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like an archaeologist. Indiana Jones and the Single-Family Dwelling. Hey. Look. Found a seashell.
Mr Rostenkowski: Yeah, that’s a rat skull.
Howard: Oh.
Mr Rostenkowski: Relax. There’s enough droppings down here without you making more.
Howard: Sorry. Do you have a sense of where we are?
Mr Rostenkowski: Yeah. I think that’s the den.
Howard: Oh. Okay, so we must be under the dining room.
Mr Rostenkowski: Uh-huh. Yep. You know, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it wouldn’t take that much work to turn that den into a nursery.
Howard: Why wouldn’t I want to hear it?
Mr Rostenkowski: ‘Cause Bernie said you didn’t want kids.
Howard: That’s not true at all. I wish she’d get pregnant, believe me. I’m climbing on top of her every chance I get. In a loving and respectful manner. The point is, I really do want kids.
Mr Rostenkowski: Huh.
Howard: I don’t know why she’s lying to you. She’s the one who doesn’t want kids. In fact, every time I bring up the subject…
Bernadette (above): Earthquake.
Howard: Oh, my God, we’re gonna die.
Bernadette: Aftershock.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe Sheldon was gonna ask Amy to marry him.
Leonard: I know. I also can’t believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey, buddy. How you doing?
Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary?
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Penny: Definitely.
Sheldon: Well, there’s no point in dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say, Kup-fun-tor ha’kiv na’ish Du stau.
Penny: Do you know what that means?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Are you telling the truth?
Leonard: Nirsh.
Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.
Penny: What are you gonna do?
Sheldon: I’m going to find her and ask her to marry me. And if she says yes, we can put this behind us and resume our relationship. And if she says no, well, then she can just ponfo miran.
Leonard: He didn’t meant that.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: So I should probably explain why I kind of fibbed.
Howard: That would be nice.
Bernadette: I told my dad that you were the one who didn’t want kids because I didn’t want to disappoint him.
Howard: But you were okay throwing me under the bus?
Bernadette: Turns out yeah, I didn’t think twice about it.
Mr Rostenkowski: Bernie, you don’t need to worry about me. But I don’t want to see you miss out. Raising children was the most rewarding experience of my life.
Bernadette: Oh, please. Mom did everything. All you did was come home from work, sit on the couch and drink beer. How is that raising kids?
Mr Rostenkowski: This is really a conversation for husband and wife. I’m gonna go clean up, hit the road. If your mother asks, I was here till ten.
Raj: It’s interesting your father didn’t help around the house and Howard doesn’t help, either, so in a way, Howard’s not only like your father, but he’s also like the child that you’re afraid to have.
Howard: Why are you still here?
Raj: Fine, I’ll leave. But it sounds like somebody needs a fresh diaper.
Howard: All right, I admit that I don’t help out a lot. And I need to work on that. But if we had a kid, it would be different.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Because when my dad left, I promised myself that if I ever had a chance to be a father I’d always be there.
Bernadette: Okay, I’ll think about it.
Howard: And this an actual I’ll think about it, not like the can we get a motorcycle with a sidecar I’ll think about it”?
Bernadette: It’s an actual I’ll think about it.
Howard: I really believe I’d be a great dad.
Bernadette: I know you would.
Howard: Speaking of making babies, what do you say I wash up and poke around your crawlspace?
Scene: The street. Sheldon sees Amy with another man. He leaves.
Scene: The apartment.
Kirk (on screen): Dr. Dana feels he isn’t that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?
Spock (on screen): Because she feels. I don’t. All I know is logic.
Sheldon: Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?
Leonard: Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.
Sheldon: Those are very wise words.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: They’d just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.
After a “previously on” sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I think it’s so adorable you’re making Sheldon breakfast.
Leonard: Well, he’s having a rough time. Amy broke his heart, the DVR cut off the last minute of Doctor Who. That crow followed him home.
Penny: Aren’t you worried you’re making French toast on oatmeal day?
Leonard: Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.
Penny: Oh, I don’t want credit for that.
Sheldon: Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.
Leonard: You’re in a good mood.
Sheldon: Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion.
Penny: Oh. Good for you.
Leonard: What brought this on?
Sheldon: I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.
Penny: And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman.
Sheldon: No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.
Leonard: Hey, I made French toast sticks.
Sheldon: On oatmeal day?
Leonard: Ah, I also made oatmeal.
Sheldon: Ooh, that’s a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. You know what? You eat it. You’re married, it doesn’t matter what you look like.
Penny: Don’t take advice from a man who threw his shoe at a crow.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Thank you for coming by, gentlemen.
Howard: No problem.
Raj: So what’s up?
Sheldon: Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.
Howard: You sure you’re up for that? She did hurt you.
Sheldon: Oh, no, it’s all right. I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavourless lump of sadness.
Raj: You’re not wrong about Fruit Stripe. I was always a Hubba Bubba man.
Howard: Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble? You’re crazy.
Raj: Hey, the jaw wants what it wants.
Sheldon: Gentlemen.
Raj: Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay.
Howard: But what are you looking for?
Sheldon: All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.
Howard: Isn’t that a little unreasonable?
Sheldon: All right, fine, she doesn’t need her own point of view. Now, chop-chop.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Come on, Amy, show us the dress.
Amy: Okay. But I’m really stepping outside of my comfort zone here.
Penny: Uh, I don’t think any of your comfort zones are showing.
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s your third date, maybe you could go more sexy.
Amy: Well, some people think the sexiest organ is the brain.
Penny: No one ever bought me drinks at a bar because my brain just popped out of my shirt.
Amy: Do you have any heels higher than this? He’s pretty tall.
Penny: Ooh.
Bernadette: Ooh, tall. Finally some details about this mystery man.
Penny: Yeah, come on, tell us more.
Amy: Well, I told you his name and that he’s tall. What more do you need?
Bernadette: Did you kiss him yet?
Amy: Just a little peck on the lips.
Penny: Well, we’re your best friends, give us one more detail and we promise we’ll leave you alone.
Amy: Fine. Um, he’s British. All right, that is a juicy one.
Penny: All right, where is tall British Dave taking you?
Bernadette: Tea and basketball?
Amy: To that new Italian place on Walnut.
Bernadette: Oh, nice.
Amy: I’m gonna go look for other shoes.
Penny: Good luck. I threw out all my tall ones when I married Leonard.
Bernadette: Hey, you want to swing by that place tonight and get a look at this guy?
Penny: We don’t even know what time they’re gonna be there.
Bernadette: I’ll just call the restaurant, pretend I’m Amy and check the reservation.
Penny: Damn, you’re sneaky.
Bernadette: Yeah, but I’m little, so it’s adorable.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: I think the quickest way to find you a new girlfriend is just to get you on every dating Web site out there.
Sheldon: Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person.
Raj: And you’re afraid it’ll do a better job than you?
Sheldon: Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.
Howard: If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest?
Sheldon: Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.
Howard: You seriously think women would fight for you?
Sheldon: People compete for jobs and trophies, why not me?
Howard: He’s right, he knows a lot of jokes.
Raj: Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.
Howard: Well, he’s smart, he’s a respected scientist.
Sheldon: And I have the soulful eyes of a cow.
Raj: I don’t know if I’d say you… oh.
Howard: I have an idea. What if we put a post on Craigslist that says world-class Caltech physicist seeking girlfriend. If interested, solve the following puzzles for a chance to meet him.
Sheldon: Oh, we’ll make the puzzles extremely challenging to eliminate unworthy candidates.
Raj: Oh, we could set it up like a scavenger hunt where the last puzzle gives the winner Sheldon’s contact information.
Howard: Well, this is actually an interesting social experiment.
Raj: I’m a little jealous of the people who get to do it.
Howard: Me, too. And we’ve seen the prize.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: I don’t understand why we’re leaving so early for the movie.
Penny: Oh, I forgot to tell you, we’re gonna meet up with Bernadette to spy on Amy and her date.
Leonard: What? I don’t want to do that.
Penny: What, and you think I want to see a documentary about aluminium can recycling?
Leonard: This is the movie that big soda doesn’t want you to see.
Penny: No, it’s the movie your wife doesn’t want you to see.
Leonard: So you’re actually okay with invading your friend’s privacy?
Penny: You’re not curious who she’s out with?
Leonard: Not really.
Penny: But you’re curious about aluminium cans? You’re a weird little guy.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: That’s it. The Sheldon Cooper Girlfriend Challenge is officially live.
Howard: Congratulations.
Raj: This is exciting.
Sheldon: Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.
Howard: Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire.
Sheldon: And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules.
Raj: I, I hope we didn’t make the puzzles too hard.
Howard: Well, if she can solve them, it’ll prove she’s intelligent, tenacious and so socially awkward she has nothing better to do on a Saturday night.
Sheldon: Golly, she sounds too good to be true.
Scene: A restaurant.
Tall British Dave: This is fun. I haven’t dated much since my divorce.
Amy: Well, I’m having a good time, too. If you don’t mind me asking, why did you and your wife split up?
Dave: Oh, you know how it is, we wanted different things. I wanted children, and she wanted a pastry chef named Jean-Philippe.
Amy: Oh, I’m, I’m so sorry.
Dave: No, it’s, it’s fine. It’s why I left England. It reminded me too much of her. Cold, gloomy and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel.
(in the car outside)
Penny: Hey. So, where are they?
Bernadette: Across the street, in the left window.
Penny: Oh, damn it, we should have brought binoculars.
Bernadette: Right here.
Leonard: You just happen to have those in the car?
Bernadette: Kinda. Before I met Howie, I liked to keep close tabs on my boyfriends.
Leonard: By stalking them?
Bernadette: No. Stalkers are creepy. I’m just a harmless little girl with military-grade spy equipment.
Penny: Oh, there he is.
Bernadette: He’s cute, right?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Can I see?
Penny: What, now you’re interested? You didn’t even want to come.
Leonard: I know, but you guys make being a crappy friend look fun.
Penny: Fine.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, I see him. It looks like they’re having a nice time. I wish I could hear what they’re saying.
Bernadette: Yeah, I should’ve brought my parabolic microphone.
Penny: Your what?
Bernadette: Nothing. Not important.
Dave: So you’ve never been married?
Amy: No. I mean, to be completely honest, I’ve, I’ve only been in one long-term relationship.
Dave: Oh. What happened with that?
Amy: That’s a good question. After five years, it was just feeling like more work than it should be.
Dave: Oh, that’s too bad. Was he a neurobiologist like you?
Amy: No. He’s a theoretical physicist at Caltech.
Dave: I love teaching math, but that would be my dream job. What’s his focus?
Amy: Um, used to be string theory, now it’s dark matter. But let’s not discuss Sheldon. Let’s get back to you.
Dave: Wait, you’re not talking about Dr. Sheldon Cooper?
Amy: I’m trying not to. Do you know him?
Dave: No, but I’ve followed his work for years. He’s a rock star. You’ve got to tell me about him. What’s he like?
Penny: He really seems into her.
Bernadette: I took a video. I forgot how much fun this is.
Leonard: Okay, we saw them. Can we go catch the movie?
Bernadette: Why’d you bring him?
Penny: I had to; we’re married now.
Bernadette: Ugh, I hear that.
Dave: I’m sorry, just one more question about Sheldon.
Amy: Sure, why not?
Dave: It’s more of a four-part question, really. When he wrote his paper on supersingular prime numbers, how long did it take?
Amy: Um about an hour and half.
Dave: Wow. I mean, wow. And you were there to see it?
Amy: Yes. Yep. We were on a date. Very much like this one.
Dave: Mm. I doubt it was like this one. I mean, he’s a genius, and I wasn’t even smart enough to figure out why my wife always smelled of croissants.
Amy: What was the rest of your question?
Dave: Do you think you could introduce me to him?
Amy: Really? You-you want me to introduce you to my ex-boyfriend?
Dave: You’re right, it’s, it’s weird. No, wait. Do it. No. I changed my mind. I’d be too nervous. Oh, I don’t know what to do.
Leonard: Are we gonna be much longer? I really have to go to the bathroom.
Bernadette: Right here.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: 37 minutes left until the deadline.
Sheldon: Someone will show.
Howard: And no matter what happens, this is still a fun experiment.
Raj: Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives.
Sheldon: Someone will show.
Raj: Maybe you don’t want someone exactly like you. You know what they say, opposites attract.
Sheldon: Well, by that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy, eh? Not to cast aspersions, but I can’t shake a stick around here without hitting that.
Scene: The restaurant.
Dave: You know, I once drove 500 miles to hear him speak at Stanford.
Amy: I have a DVD of that lecture.
Dave: Really? Wasn’t it great?
Amy: Not as a Valentine’s present, no.
Dave: Well, the next time you watch it, I’m the bloke who asked the question that he said was stupid and obvious. It was the nicest thing he said to anyone there.
Amy: That’s, um, terrific. Listen, I’m, I’m kind of tired. Can we call it a night?
Dave: Oh, gosh. Sorry, I’ve just spent the whole night talking about your ex-boyfriend. I’m such an idiot.
Amy: No, you’re not.
Dave: Well, maybe not an idiot, but certainly not as smart as someone we won’t mention.
Amy: Thank you.
Dave: That you said you might introduce me to, I’m free on Thursday.
Bernadette: Hey, hey, they’re leaving.
Penny: What? Here, give me, give me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, they’re coming right towards us.
Bernadette: We got to get out of here.
Penny: Okay. Well, wait, what about Leonard?
Bernadette: He and his tiny bladder can take the bus. (Reverses into car behind)
Penny: Oh, no.
Dave: She just hit my car.
Amy: What are you guys doing here?
Bernadette: Hi, Ames, what are you doing here?
Leonard: What happened?
Dave: O-M-G. Aren’t you Leonard Hofstadter?
Leonard: Yeah.
Dave: I saw you speak at Stanford with Sheldon Cooper. Amy, can you believe it? It’s Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Amy: No. Pinch me.
Dave: It’s an absolute pleasure to meet you. Can I shake your hand?
Leonard: I don’t know if you want to do that, I was just, okay, never mind.
Dave: Amy, I’m never washing this hand again.
Leonard: You really should.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Sixty seconds. This is not looking good.
Sheldon: One minute is a long time.
Howard: I’ve been telling women that for 20 years.
Raj: Forty-five.
Sheldon: 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.
Raj: Thirty seconds.
Sheldon: Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea.
Howard: You thought she was great in X-Men.
Sheldon: Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence.
Raj: Guys, fifteen seconds.
Howard: Maybe she’s waiting to show up at the last possible moment.
Sheldon: Sounds like a drama queen. Oh, no. It is Jennifer Lawrence.
Raj: Five, four, three, two, one. That’s too bad.
Howard: Maybe we did make the test too difficult.
Raj: I don’t think it matters. Look, Sheldon, I believe when the time is right for you to meet someone, it’ll just happen. Okay? Not because of a test or a Web site, but because… (knock on door) we are the dreamers of dreams.
Howard: It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty.
Raj: Answer it.
Sheldon: All right. Can I help you?
Girl: Um, are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist?
Sheldon: Yes.
Girl: Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before.
Sheldon: Careful, it’s addictive.
Vanessa: Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva.
Sheldon: And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.
Vanessa: Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world.
Sheldon: I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.
Raj: How could you send her away?
Sheldon: She was late. And she found atomic spectroscopy boring. Well, I wouldn’t coitus her with your genitals.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Dave: Uh, thanks for driving me home.
Amy: No problem. I’m really sorry about your car.
Dave: Oh, it’s all right. If you’re free next weekend, I’d love to take you out again.
Amy: Um, listen, you’re a really nice guy, but I just, I don’t think this is working out.
Dave: Oh. Okay.
Amy: I’m, I’m really sorry.
Dave: No, it’s, at least the same woman that rejected Sheldon Cooper rejected me.
Amy: There you go.
Dave: If I ever do meet him, we’ll have that in common.
Amy: Sure. Heh.
Dave: And, he’s kissed you and I’ve kissed you, so if you think about it…
Amy: Okay, get out.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Have you guys seen this feature that lets you talk to Siri without pressing any buttons?
Howard: No. How does it work?
Raj: You just say, uh, Hey, Siri, what time is it?
Siri: The time is 6:37 p.m.
Howard: So now anyone can control your phone? Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Raj: Nice try. It only recognizes my voice.
Howard: Oh. Cool. (In thick Indian accent) Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Raj: I don’t sound like that.
Siri: Here are some images of naked grandma butts.
Sheldon: Hey. Good news, everybody. Now that I’m no longer with Amy, I have an extra ticket to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet at the aquarium cafeteria. Who wants it? Well, you realize you won’t be going alone, I’ll be there the whole time. Providing fish and pilgrim facts. Can you people hear me?
Leonard: Well, we’re having everyone over.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard and I are gonna be cooking all day.
Leonard: Otherwise we’d love to.
Penny: But we can’t.
Leonard: Yeah, poor us.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Bernadette: And Raj and I are volunteering at the soup kitchen, feeding food to the homeless.
Sheldon: Well, Howard, what about you?
Howard: Oh, I can’t. I’m going to the soup kitchen, too.
Bernadette: You said that sounded like the worst thing ever.
Howard: If you can’t support me when I’m lying, why are we married?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s up?
Sheldon: Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets.
Amy: No one can go with you?
Sheldon: No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.
Amy: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Sheldon: And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.
Amy: Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends.
Sheldon: You don’t think that will be awkward?
Amy: Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine.
Sheldon: Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.
Amy: See you then.
Sheldon: Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.
Amy: Did you know they served shellfish and eel at the very first Thanksgiving?
Sheldon: And there goes my list.
Scene: Outside the soup kitchen.
Emily: So, how does this work?
Bernadette: The soup kitchen manager assigns the jobs, and the shifts are six hours.
Howard: Six hours? Oh, God, I don’t want to complain for that long.
Raj: Do you ever do anything for anyone else?
Howard: I happen to be a giving and generous lover.
Emily: Are you and I close enough for me to say that’s creepy?
Bernadette: We are, and I believe the word you’re looking for is yu-huh-huh-huh.
Soup Kitchen Manager: Uh, can I help you?
Bernadette: Hi. We’d like to volunteer.
Soup Kitchen Manager: Oh, I appreciate you guys coming down, but we already have enough people. Any other day, please, come back.
Bernadette: Oh. Okay. Wipe that smug smile off your face.
Howard: Maybe I’m happy that so many people turned up to help the less fortunate.
Emily: Are you and I close enough for me to say…
Bernadette: That he’s an ass? He beat you to it.
Soup Kitchen Manager: I was wrong. A large group had to cancel.
Bernadette: Oh, great. We’d love to help.
Howard: Wipe that smug smile off your face.
Bernadette: I can’t.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Look at us. Our first Thanksgiving as husband and wife.
Leonard: I know. I feel so grown up.
Penny: Sweetie, you are grown up.
Leonard: Really? How many grown-ups do you know who have Mr. Spock oven mitts? Hey, the recipes are on my iPad. Will you pull ’em up?
Penny: Yep. What’s the code?
Leonard: My birthday.
Penny: It’s not working.
Leonard: It’s just the four digits, month and day.
Penny: Nope.
Leonard: Let me see. Yeah, there. What number were you putting in?
Penny: Uh.
Leonard: You don’t know my birthday, do you?
Penny: Yes, I do.
Leonard: Well, what is it?
Penny: May.
Leonard: May what?
Penny: I’m not gonna say your password out loud. That is not secure.
Leonard: You don’t know your own husband’s birthday.
Penny: Well, you don’t know everything about me.
Leonard: Your birthday is December 2, you grew up on Perkins Street, the last four digits of your social are 7 6-2 1, and the odds of me letting you forget this are zero.
Penny: Oh, look at us. Our last Thanksgiving as husband and wife.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Hi. Ready for the aquarium?
Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.
Amy: If that makes you more comfortable.
Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?
Amy: No. You?
Sheldon: No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?
Amy: I might go visit my aunt next week.
Sheldon: Mm. Your aunt in Modesto?
Amy: No, the one in Bakersfield.
Sheldon: Bakersfield. I see. Where has this list been all my life?
Scene: The soup kitchen.
Soup Kitchen Manager: We’re gonna have you washing dishes. Uh, aprons and rubber gloves are here, just scrape, wash and stack. If you need me, I’ll be around.
Howard: So we don’t even get to be up front where the action is?
Bernadette: What difference does it make?
Howard: I don’t know. I was hoping some poor kid would come up to me and say, please, sir, I want some more.
Raj: You’re in a soup kitchen, not a production of Oliver!
Howard: It’s not like I’m expecting them to sing.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Sheldon: and then the next day was 73 degrees, and the day after that was 72, and then it was 72 again, uh, then it was 74, and that brings us to today, at I’d wear shorts if I had a pair. 78.
Amy: Are we done discussing the weather?
Sheldon: I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use.
Amy: Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet.
Sheldon: All right. Well, what should we talk about?
Amy: I don’t know. Just ask me whatever comes to mind.
Sheldon: Very well. I know you’ve been seeing other men. Have you had coitus with any of them?
Amy: Man, I walked right into that one.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Next we need a teaspoon of pepper, which, I believe, was also the name of your childhood dog.
Penny: Fine. You think you know so much. Who’s my favourite Spice Girl?
Leonard: Baby.
Penny: Who’s my favorite member of NSYNC?
Leonard: Justin.
Penny: Who’s my favorite Backstreet Boy?
Leonard: Nice try. NSYNC forever.
Penny: Damn it.
Leonard: Face it, you can’t stump me. I am the king of husbands. I know that you don’t like the lingerie that I got you on Valentine’s Day. I know you hate the word moist. I know…
Penny: Hang on. Wait, wait. Why don’t I like the lingerie you got me?
Leonard: Because it’s orange and you think it makes you look like a slutty carrot.
Penny: Interesting. I never told you that.
Leonard: Sure you did.
Penny: No. I never told anyone that. But I did write it in my journal.
Leonard: What? I didn’t know you had a journal.
Penny: I also know your voice gets higher when you’re lying.
Leonard: No, it doesn’t.
Scene: The soup kitchen.
Raj: You know, this reminds me of high school.
Emily: You worked in a restaurant?
Raj: No, I was in India, it was humid and smelled funny.
Howard: All right, I think I’m getting into a groove here. This isn’t so bad.
Emly: Only five hours and 40 minutes to go.
Howard: We’ve only been doing this 20 minutes?
Raj: You know, I read that washing dishes can be an excellent form of meditation. The key is that while washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes.
Howard: Just because you have that accent doesn’t mean what you say isn’t stupid.
Raj: No, seriously. It’s about being present in the moment, focusing on the feeling of the warm water, the smell of the detergent, the sound of the dishes squeaking, and following your own breath. It’s about, it’s about simply being.
Howard: Huh. Okay, I’ll try it.
Soup Kitchen Manager: I need three people out front.
Bernadette: I’ll do it.
Raj: Me.
Emily: Right here!
Howard: No fair, I was meditating.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Come on, don’t be mad. It was a long time ago, and it was an accident.
Penny: How can reading my journal be an accident?
Leonard: I didn’t even know what it was. I saw it on your nightstand. I picked it up.
Penny: Well, when you realized what it was, why didn’t you stop?
Leonard: You know me, I’m a big ol’ bookworm.
Penny: All right. Let’s just finish cooking.
Leonard: Well, hey, okay. Let me make this up to you. Sometimes I keep an online journal. I want you to read something that I wrote.
Penny: Okay, really, I’m fine.
Leonard: Okay. Well, then I’ll read it to you. It’s from the day we first met. Beauty, thy name is Penny.
Penny: Oh, God. Stop. I don’t want you to read something you think’ll just butter me up. I want to hear the most recent thing you wrote.
Leonard: Fine. Mmm, Penny’s beauty, like our love, grows more with each passing day.”
Penny: Does it really say that?
Leonard: Why would I lie?
Penny: OMG. OMG. We’re so close to the new Star Wars. I can’t take it. Gah. Gah?
Leonard: Well, you didn’t read it right. The new Star Wars is coming. Gah.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Sheldon: I’m sensing things have gotten awkward.
Amy: No. It’s okay. If we’re friends, we should be able to talk about anything.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: So, you had some questions about me seeing other people.
Sheldon: Just a few.
Amy: Go ahead.
Sheldon: How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.
Amy: Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment.
Sheldon: Is that regular or honey nut?
Amy: I mixed them.
Sheldon: You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?
Amy: Just one. Are you doing okay?
Sheldon: I am.
Amy: Good. I want you to be happy.
Sheldon: I believe you. I’d believe you more if you threw a few Apple Jacks in here.
Scene: The soup kitchen.
Man: Here you go.
Howard: Thanks. You got to be kidding me.
Man: Sorry?
Howard: Y, you’re Elon Musk.
Elon: I am.
Howard: Wh, what are you doing here?
Elon: I’m washing dishes. Well, I was on the turkey line, but I got demoted for being too generous with the gravy.
Howard: Oh, man. I, what an honour to meet you. I’m, I’m such a fan of Tesla and SpaceX. All your companies. Howard Wolowitz, Caltech.
Elon: Nice to meet you, Howard. Feels great to come down here and help the less fortunate, huh?
Howard: Oh, yeah. Nothing better than helping people. Which is something I realized when I was viewing Earth from the deck of the International Space Station, where I spent two months as a payload specialist, a job I was qualified for because I’m an MIT-trained engineer.
Elon: And I thought I ladled the gravy on thick.
Howard: Sorry. It’s just, you’re you, you know? And I really want you to adopt me.
Elon: Well, you’re here on Thanksgiving, so you’re probably a good person.
Howard: Oh. I made my wife come down, too.
Elon: You think you might ever get back out to space?
Howard: Is that a job offer? ‘Cause I really want to go to Mars. Assuming I can bring my wife. She hardly takes up any room. She’s basically a carry-on.
Elon: Well, we’re not quite there yet, but we’re always looking for engineers. So let me give you my e-mail. We can stay in touch.
Howard: Thank you.
Elon: Oh, look. Someone hardly touched their pumpkin pie. Want to share it with me?
Howard: A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter? With Elon Musk, you bet I do.
Scene: The aquarium.
Sheldon: You know, for a Thanksgiving buffet in an aquarium cafeteria, that was really bad.
Amy: You’re just upset ’cause they ran out of Pilgrim hats.
Sheldon: They gave one to that baby. He wasn’t even awake.
Amy: Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby.
Sheldon: Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?
Amy: Sure. What is it?
Sheldon: It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.
Amy: So it’s like Kiss, Marry, Kill.
Sheldon: What is that?
Amy: It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill.
Sheldon: Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.
Amy: Let’s just play.
Sheldon: I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.
Amy: Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated.
Sheldon: Very well done.
Amy: Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants.
Sheldon: Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?
Amy: But you can pal around with a hagfish?
Sheldon: Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.
Amy: Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute.
Sheldon: I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.
Amy: I miss this.
Sheldon: How can you miss a game you’ve never played before, silly?
Amy: I guess sometimes I’m silly.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey. Where’d you go? I can’t tell if the turkey’s done.
Leonard: Be right there. Hi, lover.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: I’m sorry about the journal. I want to make it up to you. So I’m gonna let you post a shame photo of me on Facebook.
Penny: I am not putting that on the Internet. I don’t want people to see this. I don’t want to see it.
Leonard: Don’t want people to see what, huh? A little bit of this?
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Huh? Some of this? And, since it’s Thanksgiving, an extra helping of this?
Bernadette: Happy Thanks… Yikes.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’m glad you had a nice time with Amy.
Sheldon: Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends.
Penny: Well, I’ve never been friends with any of my exes.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.
Amy: Hi, Sheldon. I’m just driving home from my mother’s.
Sheldon: Did you have a nice time?
Amy: I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you.
Sheldon: Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.
Amy: It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again.
Sheldon: Oh. I thought we were just friends.
Amy: We are. But I was hoping, maybe…
Sheldon: Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.
Amy: Okay. I understand.
Sheldon: Good. Oh, I watched a video of the hagfish producing mucus, so I’m gonna change my answer and eat SpongeBob.
Amy: Okay. Sure.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper’s descent into madness, day two. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I feel the urge to urinate. My normal urination time is 7:10 a.m., but here I am, in the middle of the night, struggling to keep my mind sharp and my pajamas dry. It’s only a matter of time before my tenuous grasp on reality fades. I suppose I should pee while I still know what a toilet is.
Scene: The apartment. 2 days earlier.
Leonard: Since when do you hum songs?
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Leonard: You were just humming.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.
Leonard: How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?
Sheldon: Let’s see. Hey, I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff. What song is that?
Leonard: Well, hum it again. Is that the SpongeBob song?
Sheldon (singing): Who lives in a pineapple. Nope.
Leonard: Whatever. Can we just get back to this?
Sheldon: I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.
Leonard: It’s just an earworm. It’ll come to you.
Sheldon: Okay. (Singing) R-E-S-P-E-C-T. No.
Leonard: Is this what we’re doing the rest of the night?
Sheldon (singing): I’m surprised you have to ask.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): Hello, yes, I was hoping you could help me. What song is this? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. You don’t know? Well, how dare you call yourselves a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? My goodness. Do you sing along to the greatest hits of Elvis Presley with that mouth? Well, they were no help at all.
Leonard: Which is crazy, since rock and roll is all about good customer service.
Penny: Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.
Penny: I told you if we were patient, he’d figure it out for himself.
Sheldon: I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.
Penny: Public nudity?
Leonard: Eh, that just means going barefoot.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Dave (voice on phone): Hello?
Amy: Hi, Dave. Uh, it’s Amy.
Dave: Oh. How are you?
Amy: I’m fine. How are you?
Dave: Terrific. And pleasantly surprised to hear from you, given how I acted on our last date.
Amy: Yeah, well, we both made mistakes, you know. I took the last breadstick, you gushed over my ex-boyfriend like he was Leonard Nimoy and you were my ex-boyfriend.
Dave: So, to what do I owe the pleasure?
Amy: Well, I was wondering if you’d like to get dinner again sometime.
Dave: Yes, please.
Amy: Great.
Dave: Let me just check my schedule, he said, trying to seem like a man with things on his schedule.
Amy: How ’bout Saturday?
Dave: Uh, hmm, let me see. Uh, Friday, farmers’ market with Jay Z. Sunday, piano shopping with Elton John. Saturday works.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Raj: Oh. Did you know, at the United Nations, there’s a Department for Outer Space Affairs?
Howard: Really? Why?
Raj: They exist in case we ever make contact with an alien civilization.
Howard: Mm, boy, that’s one of those jobs that’s boring, boring, boring, then, oh, God, where’s the memo with what we do now?
Raj: Oh, this is cool. So, a few weeks ago I set up a fan page on Facebook for our band and…
Howard: Wait a second. How could you do that without consulting me?
Raj: It’s not a big deal. It just took, like, five minutes to set up.
Howard: That’s not the point. When we created Footprints on the Moon, we agreed that every band decision would be mutual. Now you’re just trying to take over the whole thing. You know, maybe I should go solo.
Raj: But someone joined our page. We have an actual fan.
Howard: All right. This thing’s bigger than you and me, band’s back together.
Raj: So, listen to what he wrote. Uh, I saw you play at the comic book store. You guys rock. And then there’s an animated smiley face raising the roof like this.
Howard: We did raise the roof that night.
Raj: Yeah, we totally did.
Howard: Why do rock stars do drugs when this feels so great?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (singing): Why can’t I recall this song? This is taking far too long. The urge to bang my head against the wall again and again and again and again and again is strong.
Leonard: Put on some headphones.
Sheldon (singing): No they make my earlobes sweat.
Penny: Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while?
Sheldon: There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.
Penny: Okay, great. What is it?
Sheldon: I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.
Penny: I’ll pay a thousand dollars to watch you cut footloose.
Sheldon: This is Penny. She is your friend. If she offers you food, it’s safe to take it. You probably paid for it, anyway.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, you’re really going out with Dave again?
Amy: Why not? He’s actually a very nice guy.
Bernadette: But he spent an entire date talking about how much he loves Sheldon.
Amy: That’s nothing Sheldon hasn’t done before. Dave’s just a big fan of his work. Besides, he said he wouldn’t bring it up again.
Bernadette: Okay. So where’s he taking you?
Amy: Oh, he’s coming here. I’m actually making dinner.
Bernadette: Oh. That’s a big step.
Amy: It is?
Bernadette: Yeah. You’re inviting him into your home. It’s intimate. It’s where your underpants live.
Amy: You know what? Good. I tried to get back together with Sheldon, he shot me down. Dave likes me. Maybe intimate is what I need.
Bernadette: You sure? You’ve never really been with a man. Do you really want to start with one that’s six-foot-seven?
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: ‘Cause it’s like taking your driver’s test in a bus.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Raj: Maybe we should post a comment back to our fan and thank him.
Howard: What should we write?
Raj: How about, uh, oh, how about, we might be Footprints on the Moon, but your kind words sent us over the moon.
Howard: Someday you’re gonna make an amazing grandma.
Raj: Well what do you want to write?
Howard: Something badass, you know, like, thanks for diggin’ our vibe. We’ll keep rockin’ if you keep rollin’.
Raj: Dude, if I was wearing a bra, I’d throw it at your head right now.
Howard: I’ll keep rockin’. You don’t do that.
Raj: Okay. I posted it.
Howard: So, who is this guy?
Raj: Let’s see. Uh, his name is Trent Monaco.
Howard: Cool name.
Raj: Yeah. He’s 24. He’s a deejay. He brews his own beer. He’s got awesome tattoos. Dude, he’s got a hot girlfriend, too.
Howard: Damn. I don’t know if he’s our biggest fan or I’m his. Hey, Trent just liked our comment.
Raj: He is so cool. Hey, no hard feelings, but I’m throwing my hypothetical bra at him.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon is playing his tune on a keyboard in the background.
Penny: Oh, my God, he won’t stop.
Leonard: How does he keep coming up with new ways to be annoying?
Penny: Nobody knows. That’s why he’s number one. Can you please go talk to him?
Leonard: Come on. I take care of him all day long. You do it for once.
Penny: Once? Who got the gum out of his hair?
Leonard: What do you want, a medal? It was your gum.
Penny: Fine.
Leonard: I love you.
Penny: Who cares?
Sheldon (off): What are you doing in my room? Stop it. That’s mine. Why are you so strong?
Penny: Problem solved.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, he got a tuba.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, this is a thermostat. It controls the temperature of the apartment. The ideal setting is 72 degrees. If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket. A straitjacket, ’cause 72’s the best and you’re crazy. Now, this is your spot. You’re very protective of it. When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly. It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable. People are also delighted by your love of pranks. For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee. It wasn’t replace it with Folger’s crystals, I’ll tell you that much.
Leonard: Hey, can we please get back to work?
Sheldon: This is Leonard. He’s your best friend in the world.
Leonard: All right, just stop. This is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s drinking it.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: Look at this. Trent is rebuilding a vintage motorcycle.
Raj: That is so cool. Old broken things are so much better than new things that work.
Bernadette: Who’s Trent?
Howard: Oh, he’s our fan.
Bernadette: Fan of what?
Howard: Uh, did you forget? We’re in a band.
Bernadette: You mean because you played one time in the comic book store?
Howard: And at the children’s hospital until they asked us to leave.
Raj: Hey, dude, Trent just checked in at the coffee shop on Fair Oaks.
Howard: Really? You want to go down there and meet him?
Bernadette: Are you stalking him? That’s creepy.
Raj: It’s not creepy. I built a Footprints on the Moon fan page, Trent joined it.
Howard: After that, all I did was check out his profile, go back in the archive of his feed until I found his Twitter handle.
Raj: From there, it was easy to find him on Instagram, Snapchat and pretty much track his every movement.
Howard: So if you think that’s creepy, you married the wrong guy.
Bernadette: Maybe I should marry Trent.
Raj: Yeah, like she could get Trent.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Dave: This is delicious.
Amy: Thank you.
Dave: Been a long time since I had a home-cooked meal.
Amy: When you were married, did your wife cook?
Dave: Not at first, no. But when she began cheating on me with a French chef, she became quite the wiz in the kitchen.
Amy: So, a little silver lining.
Dave: I suppose. Yeah. Nothing takes the sting out of a shattered life like a properly-seasoned bowl of onion soup. How long have you, uh, lived here?
Amy: Uh, about five years. I’m actually thinking of moving to a better place now that I don’t need to be so close to, well, you know.
Dave: I do. The brilliant physicist that I now know lives in the area, not that I care.
Amy: Yeah. Anyway, he doesn’t drive, so, I pretty much had to take him everywhere.
Dave: Had to or got to? Sorry.
Amy: My fault. I brought him up.
Dave: Yeah. Well, let’s change the subject. No more mentions of you-know-who. That’s a cool train. Where did you get that?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Bah, bam, bum-bum, bah, bum, bum. This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating?
Leonard: That’s a trick question, right?
Sheldon: Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.
Leonard: Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you.
Sheldon: Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.
Penny: Maybe he just had bread in his pocket.
Sheldon: The list extends outside of science. Painters like Van Gogh and Pollock, chess champion Bobby Fischer, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. (Clip of Darling by the Beach Boys) I remember the song. It’s called Darlin’ by the Beach Boys. Oh, thank goodness. I’m not crazy. I don’t have to take a pigeon as my bride.
Leonard: There goes our shot at him living on the roof.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: So, all right, there he is. So, should we introduce ourselves?
Howard: No. Let him spot us.
Raj: I wonder if he’s listening to our music right now.
Howard: Could you imagine? What a cool way for us to meet. He’s playing our song and looks up, and there we are, his favorite two-piece acoustic sci-fi novelty rock band.
Raj: And he’s, all, like, aren’t you the guys from Footprints on the Moo-oo-ooh what is he doing?!
Howard: I can’t watch.
Raj: It’s okay. Oh, it’s okay. He’s done.
Howard: Why is he looking at it?
Raj: Eh, no, he’s not going to eat it, is he?
Howard: Come on, Trent, you’re better than th-ah.
Raj: Ooh!
Howard: Let’s just go.
Trent: Hey, aren’t you the guys?
Howard: Nope.
Raj: No, never heard of ’em!
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is listening to Darlin’
Sheldon: I wonder why it was this particular song that was stuck in my head.
Leonard: I don’t know. It’s pretty catchy.
Penny: Do you even like the Beach Boys?
Sheldon: They have beach right in the name. What do you think?
Leonard: Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls?
Sheldon: Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: It’s about Amy.
Penny: Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her.
Sheldon: It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”
Penny: She did soften your life, didn’t she?
Sheldon: Yes. She’s like the dryer sheets of my heart. I have to go.
Leonard: Aw. Am I like the dryer sheets of your heart?
Penny: Better. You’re the lint trap of my love.
Leonard: Aw.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: That’s an interesting tie clip.
Dave: Oh, thanks. It’s, uh, Avogadro’s constant. It’s useful for calculating the number of atoms in a substance, or causing regret in anyone who asks about it.
Amy: No, I, I think it’s neat. Oh.
Dave: Sorry. Sorry. No one’s ever liked the tie clip before, so I just lost all control.
Amy: No, it, it’s okay, and we are on a date. I’m, I’m just a little nervous.
Dave: Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.
Amy: You know, I’m just being silly. I, I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?
Amy: That’s Sheldon.
Dave: You’re kidding. How’s my hair?
Amy: Sheldon, this, this isn’t a good time.
Sheldon: I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind.
Amy: What?
Dave: If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me.
Sheldon: I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.
Amy: No, it, it, it’s okay. Keep going?
Sheldon: Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.
Amy: I really want that, too.
Sheldon: Good. Because I love you.
Amy: I love you, too.
Dave: Kiss her, you brilliant fool.
Sheldon: Well, I’ll let you get back to your date.
Amy: Get back here.
Dave: Okay, then. I’ll, uh, see myself out. Amy, thank you for dinner. Dr. Cooper, pleasure to meet you, sir. Uh, if perhaps sometime you have a spare moment, I’d, uh, love to discuss physics, or shoot the breeze, as you Yanks say. Ah. What a lovely evening.
Caption: A short time ago in an apartment in Pasadena….
Caption: THE BIG BANG THEORY
Caption: EPISODE 194
Caption: THE OPENING NIGHT EXCITATION
Caption: It is a period of great tension. Our heroes, Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz and Koothrappali know that tickets to the new Star Wars movie are about to be available for pre-sale.
Caption: If they fail in their mission and can’t see it on opening night Sheldon has sworn that they will never hear the end of it for the rest of their lives…
Caption: They believe him.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Guys, tickets already went on sale.
Sheldon: What?
Howard: They’re not supposed to be available yet.
Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you, but they’re on sale.
Raj: Wait. You’re sure they’re Star Wars tickets?
Leonard: No, it’s Steel Magnolias 2: Even Steelier.
Sheldon: The Web site’s frozen. I can’t get in.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too.
Howard: Same here!
Raj: Guys, they’re gonna sell out.
Howard: What are we gonna do?!
Sheldon: All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.
Howard: Got ’em.
Sheldon: And I will continue to do so!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I’m really happy you and Amy are back together.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Leonard: I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days.
Sheldon: Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.
Penny: Uh, sweetie, you do realize Thursday is Amy’s birthday.
Sheldon: And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed.
Penny: You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.
Leonard: I think Penny has a point. You can see it another day.
Sheldon: But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amy’s birthday for me. Surprise, she’s even older. Who saw that coming?
Penny: Aw, that’s nice. Put that on her cake.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Arthur: Oh, great. This again.
Sheldon: Arthur, what brings you back?
Arthur: Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isn’t a, a sex dream.
Sheldon: In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.
Arthur: And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you?
Sheldon: Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.
Arthur: Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now?
Sheldon: Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.
Arthur: And they, they, they don’t wear underwear.
Sheldon: So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?
Arthur: Uh, do, do you love this girl?
Sheldon: Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.
Arthur: Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you.
Sheldon: By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?
Arthur: Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her.
Sheldon: You’re right.
Arthur: Great.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Arthur: I don’t know, but hopefully, somewhere I can wear pants.
Scene: Amy’s bedroom.
Amy (answering phone): Sheldon, what’s wrong?
Sheldon: I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.
Amy: Obi-what?
Sheldon: I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.
Amy: Okay. Good night. Wait. Um, Sheldon, were you actually not gonna spend my birthday with me?
Sheldon: It’s late. Got to go. Bye.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Good for Sheldon deciding to stay with Amy on her birthday.
Leonard: I know. It’s still gonna be weird to see the movie without him.
Howard: Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh)
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey. We’re going to the comic book store. You want to come?
Sheldon: No, I can’t. I need to make preparations for Amy’s birthday. Which leads me to the following bit of business. This is my ticket to Star Wars. I don’t have to tell you it is worth far more than its face value of fifteen dollars and fifty cents. I trust you’ll give it to someone worthy.
Leonard: You got it. Well, Penny might want to join us.
Sheldon (to Howard): This is my ticket to Star Wars….
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Bernadette: What happens if I say, come in?
Penny: Well, find out.
Bernadette: Come in.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.
Penny: Come in.
Sheldon: Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.
Bernadette: Just come in.
Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.
Penny: We’re sorry. What do you need?
Sheldon: Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.
Penny: Wow. You can really arrange that?
Sheldon: Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.
Bernadette: How about something a little more realistic?
Sheldon: Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.
Penny: Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga.
Bernadette: Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.
Penny: Okay, well, what’s the third option?
Sheldon: That I have coitus with her.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: What do you think about giving Sheldon’s ticket to Stuart?
Raj: I don’t know. Have you ever seen a movie with Stuart before?
Howard: It’s like going with your grandpa. Instead of eating popcorn, he brings little pieces of chicken in Tupperware and a thermos full of soup.
Leonard: He’s not that bad. Hey, Stuart, got any plans Thursday night?
Stuart: My, uh, my doctor’s worried about my circulation, so I was thinking about walking around the mall. Why?
Leonard: Well…
Wil Wheaton: Hey, you guys.
Howard: Oh, make sure to wear sensible shoes. Wil, want to go to Star Wars Thursday?
Wil: Absolutely.
Stuart: Fine, take Wil. See if he brings you clam chowder.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s, let’s, let’s just recap our options. All right, we’ve got harp thing, sheep thing.
Bernadette: Wild thang.
Sheldon: Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left.
Penny: Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.
Bernadette: Yeah, are you ready for this?
Sheldon: Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.
Penny: Sheldon, that’s so beautiful.
Sheldon: Then it’s settled. Amy’s birthday present will be my genitals.
Scene: The stairwell.
Amy: Thanks for taking me out.
Penny: Well, you’re spending your birthday with Sheldon. Why not celebrate early?
Bernadette: So where do you want to go?
Amy: I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
Penny: Sure, sure. Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.
Amy: Why would I get a bikini wax for my birthday?
Penny: Uh, I don’t know. It was just a thought.
Amy: I think I’ll just stick to Mexican.
Bernadette: Great. And then maybe after, we can watch a dirty movie, and if anybody has any questions about what happened or how, we can answer them.
Amy: Okay, what is going on?
Penny: Oh, we just want you to be prepared for any surprises that might happen tomorrow.
Amy: What surprises?
Bernadette: We don’t want to spoil anything, but you should know that Sheldon said he’s ready to be physical.
Amy: You shut your damn mouth. You actually heard him say this?
Penny: Yes. He said he wants to do something to show you how much you mean to him.
Amy: I, I can’t believe it. I, I don’t know what to say.
Bernadette: Well, we’re really happy for you, and we know how much he cares…
Amy: I do know what to say. Let’s get me waxed.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Arthur: Why isn’t it ever Angie Dickinson’s bedroom?
Sheldon: You’re back.
Arthur: It, it doesn’t seem like it’s up to me.
Sheldon: I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.
Arthur: Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot.
Sheldon: So, can you help me?
Arthur: Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers…
Sheldon: Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.
Arthur: Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts.
Sheldon: I think they say junk.
Arthur: What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know?
Sheldon: This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.
Arthur: Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay.
Sheldon: Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.
Arthur: Well, that’s, that’s very nice of you to say, but I think I’m just an expression of, of your unconscious mind.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. Well, you’re fun to look at.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Tonight’s the night.
Leonard: Yeah, the wait is finally over.
Penny: I know. Then you’ll finally stop talking about it.
Howard: Ready to go?
Raj: Let’s do this.
Penny: Have fun, guys.
Leonard: We will.
Raj: I can’t believe Sheldon gave this up.
Howard: I know.
Leonard: We’re gonna have so much more fun than him.
Bernadette: No, they’re not.
Penny: Knowing them, they will.
Scene: The cinema.
Howard: T minus 15 minutes.
Raj: Oh, did you hear from Wil?
Leonard: Yeah, he’s on his way. Time for bladder check.
Raj: Check.
Leonard: Check.
Howard: Check. Wait. Screw it. I’m holding it.
Raj: What is everyone booing at?
Wil: Hey, guys. What’s up?
Leonard: Um, hey, Wil. What you doin’?
Wil: I was on Star Trek. Just rooting for the home team.
Man: Star Trek stinks!
Wil: Yeah? Live long and suck it.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl.
Amy: Come in.
Sheldon: Oh.
Amy: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.
Amy: That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water.
Sheldon: Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.
Amy: Do you like it?
Sheldon: It’s kind of spooky.
Amy: I can change it back.
Sheldon: No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.
Amy: So, what’d you have in mind for tonight?
Sheldon: I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.
Amy: Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.
Amy: You mean before you give it to me?
Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Why are we saying give it to you like that?
Amy: Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight.
Sheldon: I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: You know what, let me pull a quick contract off the Internet.
Scene: The cinema.
Leonard: So, if you don’t like Star Wars, why are you here?
Wil: Oh, I’m just having fun. Everyone takes Star Wars so seriously. Like if the movie’s bad, it’s gonna ruin their lives.
Raj: Is it bad? Did you hear something? Oh, my God. It’s bad. Somebody kill me.
Wil: See? That’s what I mean. When you wake up in the morning, whether this is the greatest movie ever or a total piece of crap, your life isn’t gonna change at all.
Howard: He’s right.
Leonard: Yeah. No matter what happens, we’re coming back tomorrow to watch it again.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Do you think Sheldon’s actually gonna go through with it?
Penny: I don’t know. He said he’s ready.
Bernadette: Yeah, but he also swore this was the year he’d be able to pull the guts out of a pumpkin.
Penny: Well, I’m gonna stay positive. I mean, we talked, I told him what women like, and after he stopped giggling, he seemed pretty sure of himself.
Scene: Amy’s bedroom.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: So, um, should I get under the covers with you?
Sheldon: All right. Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Why are you shaking? Are you cold?
Amy: I’m just, um, really nervous.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Well, I’ve been waiting for this for so long, I’ve just built it up in my head. I don’t know what to expect.
Sheldon: Neither do I. But we can find out together.
Amy: Okay.
Scene: The cinema.
Leonard: I’m really nervous.
Howard: I know. We’ve been waiting so long for this.
Raj: And we’ve built it up in our heads so much.
Wil: Guys, it’s just a movie.
Leonard: That’s true.
Howard: He’s right.
Raj: It is.
Wil: Although, we all remember Jar Jar.
Raj: Leonard, I, I’m scared again.
Caption: A few hours later, in a bedroom not far away….
Sheldon: Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
Amy: Me, too.
Sheldon: I look forward to your next birthday when we do it again.
Amy: That works for me.
Scene: The cinema.
Wil: I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
Raj: I don’t think I can walk right now.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Arthur: Uh, Sheldon? Sheldon?
Sheldon: Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice.
Arthur: I, I was just curious. How, how’d it go?
Sheldon: Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.
Arthur: But, uh, what, what about Amy?
Sheldon: Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine. But she doesn’t have the history with the franchise I do.
Arthur: Okay. Good, good talk.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’m glad to see you made it safely. How’s your hotel?
Amy (on Skype): It’s not the best Best Western I’ve been to, but I’d say it’s the third best Best Western I’ve been to.
Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.
Amy: What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?
Sheldon: Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.
Amy: Okay, well, I should unpack.
Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.
Amy: I will. I wish you were here.
Sheldon: At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.
Amy: Okay, I’m glad you’re not here?
Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.
Amy: Good-bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?
Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.
Sheldon: That sounds awful. Raj?
Raj: Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me.
Sheldon: That’s the one to beat. Leonard?
Leonard: Oh, if anything, I’m trying to get my Sheld-off.
Sheldon: Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.
Raj: Well, I should warn you, it’s just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.
Sheldon: Uh, stop selling it, kid. You won.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Hello.
Howard: Hi.
Leonard: How was your day?
Penny: Oh, not good. Still couldn’t get in to see Dr. Gallo.
Sheldon: A doctor? Well, I hope you’re not contagious. I’ve got a weekend in the telescope room I’ve been excited about for almost three minutes.
Penny: I’m not sick. It’s for work. There’s this doctor who refuses to see any sales reps. I’ve been trying to get in for months.
Leonard: Well, did you try wearing the shirt I said was inappropriate for work?
Penny: Well, the doctor’s a woman, but yes, because you never know.
Howard: What kind of doctor is she?
Penny: Um, a psychiatrist. Why?
Howard: Well, what if you make an appointment as a patient? Then you’ll get to talk to her.
Penny: Yeah, they already know I’m a pharmaceutical sales rep.
Raj: Oh. What if Leonard made an appointment and tried to lay some groundwork for you?
Penny: That’s interesting.
Leonard: I’m not gonna make a fake appointment with a psychiatrist. What would I say is wrong with me?
Raj: Low self-esteem.
Howard: Social anxiety.
Sheldon: Sexual insecurity.
Leonard: None of that is true.
Penny: Uh, denial. See, sweetie, the list goes on and on.
Leonard: That’s just crazy. How would my going in there even help you?
Penny: I don’t know. You could talk to her, and maybe if it comes up, you could ask if she’s heard about the drug.
Leonard: What if I get caught?
Howard: Fear of failure.
Raj: Lack of confidence.
Sheldon: Kind of a wuss.
Leonard: Fine, I’ll do it. But not because of them, because I love you.
Penny: Thank you.
Raj: Pushover.
Howard: Spineless.
Sheldon: Still hasn’t bought milk even though I told him two days ago.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: That was incredible.
Bernadette: It was. I just wish Stuart wasn’t around so we didn’t have to be so quiet.
Howard: I know. It’s not like he returns the favour when he watches his Japanese porn cartoons.
Stuart (knocking): You guys got a minute, or are you still cuddling?
Howard: What is it, Stuart?
Stuart: Can I come in?
Howard: Hang on. Should I send him away?
Bernadette: No, it’s okay.
Stuart: Thanks, Bernie.
Howard: What’s up?
Stuart: Uh, well, I know the remodel is coming up, so I thought I’d make it easy on you guys and find my own place.
Howard: Wow. I thought I was done getting lucky tonight.
Bernadette: So, when are you thinking of moving?
Stuart: Uh, actually, I already found an apartment, so in a couple of days.
Bernadette: Oh. Okay. Sorry to see you go?
Stuart: Okay, well, thank you guys for everything. I, I really appreciate it.
Bernadette: : You’re very welcome.
Stuart: Hmm.
Howard: What?
Stuart: Hmm, I just have never been in this room while you’re awake.
Scene: The telescope room.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Raj: Uh, making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.
Sheldon: Hmm. What are you doing now?
Raj: Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. How about now?
Raj: Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book.
Sheldon: Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.
Raj: Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies.
Sheldon: Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.
Raj: Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours.
Sheldon: Found one.
Raj: No, you didn’t. There are millions of data points there.
Sheldon: But, look, an optical transient.
Raj: Yeah, maybe that is something. How did you find that?
Sheldon: It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Oh. I guess I’m a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special, he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.
Scene: Dr Gallo’s office.
Leonard: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Dr Gallo: Ah, it’s my pleasure. I’m curious, are you related to Dr. Beverly Hofstadter?
Leonard: Uh, she’s my mother. You know her?
Dr Gallo: No, not personally, but I have read all of her books.
Leonard: Well, then you know her better than I do.
Dr Gallo: Well, I’m not so sure about that. But I can tell you I do not agree with her theories on child rearing at all.
Leonard: Really? Any chance you find them cold, cruel and unsuitable for innocent little boys who just want to be happy?
Dr Gallo: Well, I didn’t want to say it.
Leonard: No, no, say it. Sing it. Rent a plane, write it in the sky.
Dr Gallo: Sounds like you’re holding on to quite a bit of anger towards her.
Leonard: Oh, no, I, I’ve worked through a lot of that stuff, I’m better now.
Dr Gallo: Mm. Good for you.
Leonard: Do you know she never let me celebrate my birthday because being born was her achievement, not mine?
Dr Gallo: That’s heartbreaking.
Leonard: Right? To this day, I send her a card every year with a little money in it.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: You know, once we get the house back to ourselves, we can be romantic in any room we want.
Bernadette: Great. I can finally show you where the laundry room is.
Stuart: Boy, who would’ve thought when you asked me to move in and help take care of your mom, I’d still be here two years later?
Howard: No one.
Bernadette: Nobody thought that.
Stuart: Well, that’s it.
Bernadette: I guess so.
Stuart: This is weird.
Howard: Yeah. A grown man moving into his own apartment. Crazy times. See ya.
Bernadette: Ignore him. He’s just using humour to express how happy he is.
Stuart: It’s okay. I know he loves me.
Bernadette: Sure he does. Well, let us know when you’re all settled in.
Stuart: I will. And I really can’t thank you guys enough.
Bernadette: Our pleasure.
Stuart: Bye.
Bernadette: Goodbye.
Howard: He’s gone. Let’s start in the garage.
Scene: The telescope room.
Raj: Okay, so once we receive the next image and compare it to the ones we’ve already collected, we’ll know what it is that we found.
Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it’s a Heliosheath scintillation.
Raj: It could be a trans-Neptunian object.
Sheldon: Maybe it’s a new planet.
Raj: Unlikely, but it could be a dwarf planet.
Sheldon: Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.
Raj: Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is…
Sheldon: Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.
Raj: A medium-sized asteroid.
Sheldon: That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.
Raj: I kind of like chicken fingers.
Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.
Raj: Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery.
Sheldon: I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.
Raj: You dream different than me.
Sheldon: It is kind of cute.
Raj: Yeah, it is. And you know we get to name it.
Sheldon: We better choose a name no one can make fun of. Sir Frederick William Herschel didn’t do Uranus any favours.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Hey, how’d it go?
Leonard: Oh, great. Dr. Gallo is terrific. You know, I, I’ve always been insecure that no one cares about what I have to say, but she made me see…
Penny: Yeah, no one cares. Did you help me out or not?
Leonard: Okay, now, what I’m hearing is that you feel that I sometimes take too long to express myself, and you wish I’d be more succinct.
Penny: You’re only hearing that because I cannot roll my eyes any louder.
Leonard: All right, well, after we talked about my issues with my mother, nothing too deep, just how she ruined my life, I told her about you and your drug. She said she’d be happy to meet you.
Penny: Really? Oh, you’re the best husband ever.
Leonard: So you’ll go to the Doctor Who convention with me next week?
Penny: I guess.
Leonard: Oh, I actually did hear your eyes roll that time.
Scene: Stuarts former bedroom in Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Boy, when was the last time Stuart cleaned this place?
Howard: No kidding. Oh, okay, I’m about to suck something up. What do you think this object sounds like?
Bernadette: Howie, I don’t want to play Lego, Toenail or Pill anymore. So, what do you think we should do with this room?
Howard: Well, I was thinking a home theatre or a gaming room, you know, like a man cave.
Bernadette: Why can’t it be a woman cave?
Howard: As long as it has a home theatre, a video game system and you’re not allowed in it, you can call it whatever you want.
Bernadette: I’m being serious.
Howard: Well, what do you think we should do?
Bernadette: I don’t know, maybe a home office or, oh look. The teddy bear Stuart won the night we took him to the fair.
Howard: Oh. He was so excited.
Bernadette: Yeah. You know, no matter how hard they tried, they could not guess his age.
Howard: I’ll give it to him next time I see him.
Bernadette: Have you heard from him since he left?
Howard: No. You’d think he would’ve called once he got settled in.
Bernadette: Hmm. Maybe he’s busy.
Howard: Too busy to call? He wasn’t too busy to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password. What is happening? Are we missing him?
Bernadette: No, that’s not what this feeling is. Is it?
Howard: Of course not. He drove us crazy. Like when you were gonna make that pie and Stuart ate all the blueberries.
Bernadette: And he tried to deny it, but his teeth were all purple.
Howard: That was pretty cute.
Bernadette: Yeah. Ew, we are missing him!
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names.
Sheldon: That’s a great idea. I’ve got it. We’ll call it Cooper.
Raj: How is that both our names?
Sheldon: Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.
Raj: Yeah, s-so it’s, like, Kooper with a K?
Sheldon: Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.
Leonard: Wow, that’s amazing. I’m in a pretty great mood today myself.
Sheldon: Okay. Guess we’re gonna talk about you now.
Leonard: Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.
Raj: I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you.
Sheldon: Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.
Raj: Wait, what happened to us?
Sheldon: Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.
Leonard: Well, what are you thinking of naming it?
Sheldon: I haven’t settled on anything yet.
Raj: We haven’t settled on anything yet.
Sheldon: All right, way to go, Cat Poster. You hang in there.
Leonard: You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.
Raj: That is a great idea.
Sheldon: It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.
Raj: So, uh, what were you thinking? Combine their names?
Sheldon: I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.
Raj: That’s just Amy.
Sheldon: Exactly. See how well we work together?
Scene Dr Gallo’s office.
Penny: And in double-blind studies, Placinex proved extremely effective in treating all kinds of anxiety. Actually, funny story, the boys in the lab were worried about getting FDA approval for Placinex. They started taking it, stopped worrying.
Dr Gallo: Got it.
Penny: Uh, do you have any questions?
Dr Gallo: Just one.
Penny: Mm-hmm?
Dr Gallo: When you made your husband pretend to be a patient so you could get access to me, what were you thinking there?
Penny: I just meant a question about the drug.
Dr Gallo: Yeah, I know what you meant. Let’s put that aside for a minute and talk about why you married Leonard.
Penny: I don’t wanna.
Dr Gallo: Here is a man raised by an overbearing woman who completely dominated every aspect of his formative years. Do you think he’s perpetuating that relationship by seeking out a partner like you?
Penny: You know, I used to wear tank tops a lot. That was a big selling point.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s up?
Sheldon: Good news. You’re an asteroid.
Amy: Uh, please tell me what to say next.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.
Amy: Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name?
Sheldon: Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.
Amy: All of them?
Sheldon: Even the girls.
Amy: Okay, I think I know what to say now.
Scene: Dr Gallo’s office.
Penny: How can I not sound like his mother when our entire bedroom is filled with Star Wars toys? I mean, have you ever had sex with a stuffed Wookiee watching you?
Dr Gallo: I went to college in the ’70s. It was a hairier time. I’m gonna say yes.
Penny: You know, if anything, he’s turning me into his mother. Before I did pharmaceutical sales, I was an actress. You know, I was pretty good. You know, girl-next-door type, but hot. Doable.
Dr Gallo: Hmm.
Penny: And not only am I Leonard’s mother, but we have this man-child living with us named Sheldon.
Dr Gallo: Oh, Leonard talked a lot about him. I wasn’t sure if he was real.
Penny: Yeah, he’s as real as the fine I get when I use too much toilet paper.
Dr Gallo: Wow, you really do have a lot on your plate.
Penny: I do. You know, Leonard’s right. Talking to you is really helping.
Dr Gallo: Oh, I’m glad. You know, you might also benefit from a prescription for anxiety.
Penny: Okay, if you think it’ll help. Oh, just don’t make it Placinex. I do not need sudden fits of homicidal rage.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on Skype): I miss you.
Sheldon: I miss you as well.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: I can’t believe I miss Stuart.
Scene: Dr Gallo’s office.
Penny: I guess I just miss when life was simpler.
Scene: A street. Leonard is skipping ropes with some young girls.
Girls: Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard!
Leonard: Remember, girls, you decide what makes you happy, not your emotionally withholding mothers.
Girls: Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard! Go, Leonard!
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom. Howard and Bernadette are asleep.
Stuart: I really miss this.
 
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day. How could Batman possibly fight Superman? I mean, isn’t that dumb?
Bernadette: Maybe he uses Kryptonite.
Emily: Well, Batman’s got a lot of money. Maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
Penny: No, no, no, no, no. I’ve seen that movie. It’s called Iron Man.
Leonard: What is happening?
Howard: I don’t know.
Raj: But it’s beautiful.
Penny: And now Ben Affleck is Batman?
Emily: Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.
Penny: Ooh, we should watch that next girls’ night.
Bernadette: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo Di Caprio Romeo and Juliet.
Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard: And it’s gone.
Sheldon: Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.
Leonard: Good for you.
Sheldon: My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.
Howard: Glad to hear it.
Sheldon: I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow.
Raj: Yay.
Sheldon: Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.
Penny: You really don’t know why?
Sheldon: No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.
Leonard: Let me refresh your memory.
Flashback
Sheldon: Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.
Penny: Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest.
Sheldon: Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.
Flashback
Bernadette: I brought you a little care package from work. It’s our latest antiviral and the best decongestant we make.
Sheldon: I hope laughter is the best medicine, ’cause this care package is a joke.
Howard: Hey, she came all the way here…
Bernadette: You’re gonna want to take these with food.
Flashback
Raj: Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you.
Sheldon: She’s a dermatologist.
Emily: I went to medical school.
Sheldon: Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.
Flashback
Leonard: All right, here you go.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m dying.
Leonard: You’re not dying. It’s just the flu.
Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me.
Back to the present.
Sheldon: I never did get that chicken noodle, did I?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Are you feeling any better?
Sheldon: Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.
Amy: Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.
Sheldon: You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?
Amy: Ooh. Gentle and loving, this is gonna be tricky.
Sheldon: I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?
Amy: Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended.
Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?
Amy: No, no, not just that. I mean, Detroit is beautiful when it’s sleeting.
Sheldon: You know, I’m not the only one who’s unpleasant when they’re sick. When Penny got food poisoning, she threw up so loudly I could barely hear the television.
Amy: Ooh, I just heard something. Might be hail, might be gunfire. Either way, I’m gonna go take pictures. Bye.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Hey. Where’s Sheldon? Still sick?
Leonard: No, he’s fine. We just needed a little break.
Stuart: Yeah, I get that. When I brought him his comics the other day he said, oh great, death is literally at my door.
Howard: He was being a jerk to everyone. Don’t take it personally.
Stuart: Oh, I’m on so many antidepressants, I couldn’t if I wanted to.
Raj: I wish we could do more stuff without Sheldon.
Leonard: I wish that all the time. Usually before I blow out birthday candles.
Howard: You know, Amy took some time off from him. Really improved their relationship.
Raj: Huh. Okay. As long as it doesn’t end with us having coitus with him, I’m in.
Howard: We should all take a trip or something.
Leonard: Well, you know, Penny and I have been talking about taking a weekend in Vegas. Maybe we should all go.
Howard: Bernie would love that.
Raj: Oh, Ooh, maybe we could get one of those party buses to take us there.
Leonard: That sounds really fun.
Raj: Yeah, that sounds fun. A party-bus party don’t stop. Ooh, when I say party, you say bus.
Leonard: No.
Howard: No.
Leonard: No.
Howard: No.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, the guys and I were talking about renting a party bus and everyone going to Vegas.
Penny: Oh, that could be fun. But just to be clear, you mean a party bus with booze and music, right, not, like, juice boxes and video games?
Leonard: Yes. And Howard’s birthday was a drop-off party, you didn’t have to stay.
Penny: Well, I’m in. When are we going?
Leonard: This weekend.
Sheldon: Oh, where are we going?
Leonard: Well, Vegas, but…
Sheldon: Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.
Leonard: That’s fine, ’cause actually you’re not invited.
Sheldon: Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, you don’t even like it there.
Sheldon: I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.
Leonard: Not this time.
Sheldon: Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.
Leonard: He’s coming, too.
Sheldon: Well, then Raj and I will…
Leonard: Nope.
Sheldon: Very well. Stuart.
Leonard: Oh, great. Do that.
Sheldon: Ugh. Stuart.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s new?
Sheldon: Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them.
Amy: I said what’s new, but sure.
Sheldon: Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?
Amy: Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad?
Sheldon: You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.
Amy: Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them.
Sheldon: I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.
Amy: Who else’s side could you have been on?
Sheldon: I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?
Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them.
Sheldon: Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.
Amy: Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on.
Sheldon: I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.
Amy: Great. Now try it as if this isn’t your first day as a person.
Sheldon: Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.
Amy: Glad I could help.
Sheldon: Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.
Amy: I feel so, so bad.
Sheldon: Hey, we’re both great at this.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I’m going to mean it.
Leonard: Ah, so like every other M. Night Shyamalan movie I’ve seen, you spoil it in advance.
Sheldon: Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry.
Leonard: Thank you. I appreciate that.
Sheldon: I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.
Leonard: Appreciate that, too.
Sheldon: Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?
Leonard: You’re still not coming.
Sheldon: What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.
Leonard: Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come.
Sheldon: Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?
Leonard: Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come.
Sheldon: Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.
Leonard: Well, I hope it’s as much fun as the Sheldon Cooper Spell-Checks Local Menus Tour.
Sheldon: My goodness, do you remember comes with apsparagus?
Scene: Howard and Berndette’s house.
Sheldon: Howard and Bernadette, you tried to comfort me when I was ill, and I treated you terribly. I’m sorry.
Howard: Wow. I’m impressed.
Sheldon: No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute.
Howard: Apology accepted.
Bernadette: Forgiven, forgiven.
Sheldon: All right, that’s eight hours of practice down the drain. And to memorialise this occasion, here are your commemorative T-shirts.
Howard: Sheldon Cooper apologized to me
Bernadette: And he made it all better.
Scene: The apartment bathroom.
Sheldon: All you did was offer maternal care and affection, and all you received in return was rude and insensitive behavior.
Penny: Can this wait?
Sheldon: I’m afraid it can’t. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.
Penny: Okay, fine, I accept your apology, now get out.
Sheldon: Wonderful. would you mind holding up this shirt while I take a quick…?
Penny: Leonard.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: You brought me my comic books when I wasn’t feeling well. That, that was thoughtful. And I was insensitive. I’m sorry.
Stuart: Thank you, Sheldon. I appreciate that.
Sheldon: And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.
Stuart: What trip to Las Vegas?
Sheldon: The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.
Stuart: Of course, I wasn’t invited.
Sheldon: That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Sheldon: Raj, you were being a good friend, and my illness was no excuse for my behaviour. I hope that you can accept my apology.
Raj: Of course I do.
Sheldon: And, Emily, I’m sorry for saying dermatologists aren’t real doctors. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that.
Emily: Do you honestly think I hear that a lot?
Sheldon: Well, I would imagine when your job is popping zits and squirting Botox into old lady faces…
Raj: Okay, okay, the point is that we accept your apology.
Emily: Uh, maybe you do. He just insulted me again.
Raj: Yeah, but he doesn’t mean it.
Emily: Why are you defending him?
Sheldon: I believe I can answer that. Uh, like me, Raj is demonstrating empathy. Now, why don’t you accept my apology receive your free T-shirt, uh, I hope extra small is okay. For some reason Wolowitz took a medium.
Emily: Well, I don’t accept your apology.
Raj: What are you doing?
Emily: It’s called standing up for myself. You should try it some time.
Raj: Fine, how about this? You’re making me uncomfortable by prolonging this ridiculous fight, and I wish you’d stop.
Emily: Oh, you want me to stop? No problem.
Raj: No, come on, please don’t leave.
Sheldon: Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…
Emily: Don’t worry, you’re good.
Sheldon: I caused that fight, I feel terrible. Wait, I can do that better. I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don’t know which one I like more.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, was the fight really bad?
Sheldon: No. As a fight, it was excellent. She used harsh language and slammed the door. Although as I say this, that might not have been what you were asking.
Leonard: You think they’ll still go on the trip?
Sheldon: All I know is after the fight I went to Emily’s to smooth…
Leonard: They’re not going on the trip.
Penny: No.
Raj: What is wrong with you?
Sheldon: Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.
Raj: You went to Emily’s to apologise, and when you left, she was crying.
Sheldon: That is true. Well, I suppose I should apologize again.
All: No.
Penny: Is she okay?
Raj: Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.
Howard: Wait, that’s an option? I didn’t know that was an option.
Sheldon: Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.
Raj: That’s very mature of you.
Sheldon: Well, I’ve been on a little trip myself recently. Not to Sin City but to Sincere City. Where instead of genital warts, the only growth you’ll come back with is personal growth.
Penny: And there’s your next T-shirt.
Scene: The party bus.
Howard: Ooh, check out the stripper pole.
Bernadette: You know what that means.
Leonard: That Raj’ll be on it before we make it to the freeway?
Raj: You know it. Oo-ah, oo-ah.
Bernadette: This is so cool.
Penny: Here’s some champagne.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of…
Sheldon: Aha.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: My plan was to jump out at the state line, but one of my nose plugs fell into the toilet.
Penny: You couldn’t give us just one weekend?
Stuart: I told him this was a bad idea.
Leonard: What do we do, kick them off?
Penny: If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked.
Sheldon: Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.
Raj: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali.
Raj: You know, Sheldon…
Emily: Shh, let him finish.
Sheldon: So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.
Emily: Thank you.
Sheldon: Good. Then I’ll be leaving now.
Emily: Oh, it’s okay, Sheldon. Come with us.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.
Stuart: But I want to stay.
Sheldon: Stuart, now.
Emily: You know, I know he’s a jerk, but I actually feel bad for him.
Penny: And now you see the problem.
Leonard: Come on, you pain in the ass.
Sheldon: That’s me. Bye, Stuart.
Stuart: Wait. I’m a pain in the ass, too.
Scene: Later on the party bus.
Sheldon: Are you relieved that you and Raj were able to patch things up?
Emily: At the moment? No, not really.
Penny: Shake it, baby.
Bernadette: Ooh, work that thing.
Scene: The foyer.
Sheldon: Here’s a fun Postal fact. The inner side of our mailbox is under federal jurisdiction. So, if you broke my right thumb, that’s Pasadena city police. But if you broke my left thumb, that’s the FBI.
Leonard: If I’m going to jail, I’m killing him, not breaking his thumb.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.
Penny: What is that?
Sheldon: Uh, roses, bengay, and Dr. Scholls’ foot powder.
Penny: Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.
Leonard: That someone has a name.
Sheldon: Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth.
Leonard: Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.
Penny: I park fine.
Sheldon: Oh, my goodness, she’s coming to visit!
Leonard: Oh, it’ll be nice to finally meet her.
Sheldon: Oh, you are going to love her. She is the kindest, sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. Unless you’re a gopher digging up her vegetable garden. In that case, you can expect to have your head bashed in with a shovel.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The airport arrivals area.
Sheldon: That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her.
Leonard: Really? The old Asian man is not your Meemaw?
Sheldon: And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is.
Leonard: Oh, that’s nice. Most people her age don’t embrace technology.
Sheldon: Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.
Leonard: Same as when we lost you at the zoo.
Sheldon: Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart.
Leonard: Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.
Meemaw: Moon Pie.
Sheldon: Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you.
Meemaw: I’m so happy to see you, too.
Sheldon: Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw.
Leonard: Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Sheldon: No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.
Meemaw: Is that nice to say to your friend?
Sheldon: It isn’t, Meemaw. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard: Can you please live with us forever?
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: That’s ridiculous. If you had a superpower, and spent your whole life being told to suppress it, when you finally decide to embrace that power, why hide in isolation?
Raj: I’m sorry, and how much money did your version of Frozen make?
Howard: I’m just saying, instead of Let it Go, she should really sing, Look At Me Hiding in a Freezer Like a Dove Bar.
Raj: She built an ice castle, made a snow monster and gave herself a complete makeover in one day. You know what I saw you do today? Eat a block of cream cheese straight from the foil and lie about it to your wife.
Girl: Sorry for eavesdropping, but did you know they actually had the song Let It Go in place before they finalized the story?
Raj: Yeah, that’s true. In fact, they liked the song so much, they retooled the whole script around it.
Girl: Which is probably why that movie sucks.
Howard: Here we are talking about Frozen, and yet, you got burned.
Raj: I’m so sorry but, how can you not like that movie?
Girl: I just think it gets more credit than it deserves.
Howard: Oh, that’s what I said an hour ago.
Girl: Wow. You’ve been talking about Frozen for an hour?
Howard: You should’ve seen us after The Good Dinosaur.
Raj: It was a classic western set in the post-Jurassic period, and it changed my life.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Are you comfortable?
Meemaw: Very. It’s nice to rest after 800 flights of stairs.
Sheldon: You were so cute, huffin’ and puffin’. There’s Amy. I just know you’re gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense. Hello. Come in, say hi to my Meemaw.
Amy: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Meemaw: Nice to meet you, too.
Amy: How was your trip?
Meemaw: Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.
Amy: That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You know, I don’t even get to sit there.
Sheldon: Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her.
Amy: Can I have a tissue?
Meemaw: Of course.
Sheldon: Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man.
Meemaw: He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means.
Sheldon: Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.
Meemaw: Oh, now don’t you go looking through my suitcase for presents.
Sheldon: If I did, would I find any?
Meemaw: Maybe. But you also might find my brassieres and bloomers.
Sheldon: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Amy: Well, this is so nice. He’s so excited to have you here and…
Meemaw: Okay, now let’s you and me get something straight. He may think that I came to bake him cookies, but the real reason is to size you up.
Amy: S, s, si, size me up?
Meemaw: Sheldon’s mother may be okay with you, but I’m not so easy.
Amy: Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me.
Meemaw: Oh, you better hope so.
Sheldon: A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.
Meemaw: Oh, you’re welcome, Moon Pie.
Sheldon: Amy, why don’t you look excited? Well, you get to watch me play with this.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Oh, I see you’re reading Saga.
Girl: Yeah, I hear it’s pretty good.
Raj: It is, and not a lot of comics have a woman with wings breastfeeding a baby right on the cover.
Girl: I’ll take your word for it.
Howard: You should. He’s really looked.
Raj: I’m Raj, by the way. This is Howard.
Howard: Hi.
Girl: Claire.
Raj: Well, I’ve never seen you here before, Claire.
Claire: It’s my first time. I’m looking for inspiration for this movie I’m writing.
Howard: You’re a screenwriter?
Claire: Well, screenwriter, slash bartender, slash, a month away from living in my car.
Raj: Yeah, I get that. I’m a scientist, slash party planner, slash small-dog enthusiast, slash guy who probably should have stopped at scientist.
Claire: You’re really a scientist?
Raj: Well, astrophysicist.
Claire: That’s perfect. Do you think I could pick your brain for my movie some time? It’s animated sci-fi for kids.
Raj: Sure. I love animated movies.
Howard: He does, and he has the Lilo & Stitch collector plates to prove it.
Raj: Excuse me for wanting a little magic in my life.
Claire: Here’s my number. Give me a call, we’ll get together.
Raj: Yeah, great.
Claire: See ya.
Raj: Yeah, bye.
Howard: What are you doing? You have a girlfriend.
Raj: So?
Howard: So, how do you think she’d feel about you helping a beautiful girl with her screenplay?
Raj: I wouldn’t say she’s beautiful.
Howard: Really? You don’t think she’s attractive?
Raj: I do. I just wouldn’t tell my girlfriend.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Constance, are you sure I can’t pour you some wine?
Meemaw: Oh, no wine for me. Sheldon’s bringing me my whiskey.
Sheldon: Here you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like, a lot in a glass.
Meemaw: Thank you, Moon Pie.
Amy: I’m curious. Why do you call Sheldon Moon Pie?
Meemaw: ‘Cause he’s so nummy-nummy.
Leonard and Penny: She could just eat him up.
Sheldon: And I call her Meemaw because, well, just, well, look at her.
Meemaw: It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.
Amy: Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar.
Sheldon: How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.
Amy: Well, now I know.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Meemaw: So, Penny, I understand you have a new job.
Penny: Yes. I’m a pharmaceutical sales rep.
Meemaw: Oh. It’s so wonderful that you modern gals can have it all. A husband and a full-time career.
Amy: I have a relationship and a full-time career, too.
Meemaw: That doesn’t bode well.
Amy: Why not? You, you just said it’s okay for her to work.
Meemaw: Well, Leonard doesn’t need as much tending to as Sheldon does. And as Moon Pie explained, Leonard’s work is more of a hobby.
Leonard: That’s my best friend.
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: Look, I, I get that you’re protective of your grandson, but he’s an adult now. Maybe I understand what he needs better than you do.
Meemaw: I appreciate your honesty, dear.
Amy: Thank you.
Meemaw: And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much.
Amy: Well, maybe I don’t like you either.
Sheldon: Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.
Amy: I think I should leave.
Sheldon: But why? Other than you two fighting, we’re having such a good time.
Amy: The minute you left the room, your precious meemaw started giving me a really hard time. I don’t need this.
Meemaw: Let her go. And under no circumstance will you give her that engagement ring.
Amy: What ring?
Leonard: Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.
Amy: You have an engagement ring?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Penny, did you know about this?
Penny: All right, let’s go.
Amy: When did you get an engagement ring?
Sheldon: My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up.
Meemaw: Well, thank goodness for that.
Amy: Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t think I could do that.
Meemaw: Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger.
Sheldon: I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.
Amy: Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I, I don’t need your hand-me-downs.
Sheldon: All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced?
Meemaw: You leave the room and let the grown-ups talk. Now.
Amy: Don’t speak to him like he’s a child.
Sheldon: Thank you. I’m gonna go next door and play with Leonard.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Okay, so you met this girl, you exchanged numbers, and you’re gonna meet up with her.
Raj: Just to help her with her screenplay.
Bernadette: Oh. Well, I guess that’s not so bad.
Howard: You weren’t there. He was really flirting.
Raj: Hey, it’s not my fault if American women project their fantasies on foreigners with the kind of magical voice that grants wishes.
Bernadette: I’m sure it was harmless. People flirt. No big deal.
Howard: Really? So it’s okay if I fl…
Bernadette: Not you. I own your ass. The real question is, where are you with Emily?
Raj: Uh, it’s hard to say. I think we’re good, but things like this make me wonder if Emily’s really the right person for me. I mean, did you guys ever have doubts about each other?
Howard: No. Never.
Bernadette: Absolutely.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: Howie, you forget how much of our early dates involved you doing magic and me doing this.
Howard: Fine. I had reservations about you, too.
Bernadette: No, you didn’t.
Howard: No, I didn’t.
Bernadette: Well, it doesn’t matter now, ’cause I love how things worked out.
Howard: Me, too. And I think you’re even more beautiful than this rose.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Wow. You know, the last time I saw my grandma, the most exciting thing was watching the ash of her cigarette get longer and wondering if it was gonna fall in her pudding.
Leonard: Did it?
Penny: Yeah, right in there. She ate it and everything.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Penny: Come in.
Leonard: Hey. What happened? Is Amy gone?
Sheldon: No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.
Penny: Uh-oh.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. It was quite tense. So here’s the million dollar question, uh, who wants to pop over there and get my trains?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Raj: All right. I’ve made up my mind. I’m gonna do the right thing, call this girl, and let her know that I’m in a relationship.
Howard: Okay, so far we’ve heard, made up my mind I’m dumping Emily.
Bernadette: Made up my mind to date both of them by pretending to be twin brothers.
Howard: And made up my mind, I’ll ask for a threesome and if they say no, play it off as a joke.
Raj: I’m calling her. And the threesome didn’t deserve the belly laugh it got.
Bernadette: You’re right. It could totally happen.
Claire (voice): Hello?
Raj: Hi. Hi. Yeah, it’s Raj. Rajesh. We met at the comic book store.
Claire: Hey, what’s up? Figure out what time you’re free?
Raj: Actually, that’s why I’m calling. I, um, I just, I need to let you know that I have a girlfriend.
Claire: Okay. Good for you.
Raj: Well, no, no. I, I didn’t want to mislead you after you asked me out.
Claire: I didn’t ask you out. I just need help with my screenplay.
Raj: Wait, are you saying that we didn’t have a vibe?
Claire: Why do you care if we have a vibe? You have a girlfriend.
Raj: Come on, I just told you I had a girlfriend. The least you can do is tell me if we had a vibe.
Claire: Sure, we had a vibe.
Raj: I knew it. Okay, we did have a vibe. This is exciting. What’s my next move?
Bernadette: You still have a girlfriend.
Raj: Right. Good catch. Anyway, so I’m sorry to waste your time. And, uh, and good luck with your screenplay.
Claire: Hang on. We’re both adults. We can still get together without it meaning anything.
Raj: Not me. Ever since you admitted we had a vibe, I’ve been planning our wedding.
Claire: Look, it’s just coffee. I’ll ask you some questions about science, and if you propose, I promise to say no.
Raj: Okay. That hurts a little, but okay.
Claire: Great. I’ll text you.
Raj: Bye. All right. So, uh, we’re meeting for coffee like two adults. Everybody’s happy. Easy peasy.
Bernadette: Are you gonna tell Emily?
Raj: Yeah, of course. We have no secrets.
Howard: When are you gonna tell Emily?
Raj: He lied about the cream cheese. He ate the whole thing. I saw him.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Look, I know you think I’m not right for Sheldon, but trust me, I’m his best shot. You have no idea how much I put up with.
Meemaw: I know more than you think I do.
Amy: Really? You know what it’s like to have date night ruined because Google changed their font?
Meemaw: Young lady, if you think I don’t know what it’s like to live with a stubborn, egotistical man, then you’re wrong. ‘Cause that was my husband.
Amy: Really?
Meemaw: There were days I wanted to fill his pockets with corn and toss him in the pigpen.
Amy: Well, if you understand, then why are you giving me such a hard time?
Meemaw: Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.
Penny: Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you.
Sheldon: No, I wouldn’t.
Leonard: Just get in here.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Go ahead.
Sheldon: Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon, thank you.
Sheldon: Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.
Meemaw: I did.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress.
Leonard: He never disappoints, does he?
Amy: I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right?
Sheldon: Well…
Penny: Say yes.
Sheldon: Yes.
Meemaw: Fine. If you feel so strongly, I won’t stand in your way.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?
Meemaw: I suppose.
Sheldon: I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Yeah, see, if you just change the story to the destruction of our galaxy, then a super massive black hole could work.
Claire: This is great. Thank you so much. I just got to figure out a way for everyone to die that isn’t too scary for children.
Fantasy seqeunce.
Raj: And that’s how Mommy and Daddy met.
Claire: Hey, did you ever tell Emily about us?
Raj: I will.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Howard: Hello.
Sheldon: If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.
Leonard: Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.
Howard: Sorry, Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.
Sheldon: Not a clue. Raj?
Raj: Spending Valentine’s Day with Emily.
Leonard: You don’t sound very excited about it.
Raj: Oh, I am, I am. I, I guess I’m still wondering if Emily and I are right for each other.
Howard: Does this have to do with that girl you had coffee with?
Raj: You mean the strong, sexy angel I can’t stop thinking about? Who can say?
Howard: You’ve been talking about breaking up with Emily forever. Why don’t you just do it already?
Leonard: Yeah, just get it over with.
Raj: Well, you say it like it’s easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: You know, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident. I just got in and went somewhere.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, you really gonna break up with her?
Raj: Yeah, I think so. Do you have any advice?
Penny: Well, I have broken up with my fair share of guys. I mean, how many times did I break up with Leonard?
Leonard: I stopped counting at four.
Penny: All right, my advice to you is do it at her place so you can leave when you need to, uh, tell the truth, make it quick and be prepared for tears.
Raj: Oh, I’m gonna do a pre-cry before I go in there. Really dry myself out.
Leonard: She meant Emily.
Penny: No, I, I really didn’t.
Scene: Emily’s apartment.
Emily: You’re seriously breaking up with me?
Raj: Yeah.
Emily: And you thought right before Valentine’s Day was a good time to do it?
Raj: You’re right, let’s talk again in a few days.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (on phone): Hey, Claire. Hi. It’s, it’s Rajesh. I was, I was wondering if you’re free for Valentine’s Day?
Claire: Sorry, I just got back with my boyfriend.
Raj: But I just broke up with my girlfriend.
Claire: Right before Valentine’s Day? What an ass.
Scene: Emily’s apartment.
Raj: Please take me back. Our love was meant to be.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: I’m gonna all alone on Valentine’s Day.
Leonard: Well, you were right, tears.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Okay, and we are live in 22 minutes.
Sheldon: I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day.
Amy: People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around.
Sheldon: Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.
Amy: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.
Amy: Oh. That is so sweet.
Sheldon: So from now on, this program will be officially known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present Dr. Sheldon’ Cooper’s Fun With Flags.
Amy: Catchy.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: I’m gonna check the temp on the tub.
Bernadette: Don’t make it too hot.
Howard: Sorry, but too hot is the only temperature I come in.
Bernadette: Look at that, you shaved it all.
Howard: You’re welcome. Um, question, this is my first hot tub, is it supposed to come with a rat flopping around in it?
Bernadette: Ew, really? Get it out.
Howard: How?
Bernadette: Uh, wish we had a skimmer.
Howard: Uh, you turn off the jets, I’ll get a strainer from the kitchen.
Bernadette: I don’t know how to turn off the jets.
Howard: Good, I don’t know where we keep the strainer.
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: Excuse me. Uh, bad news. The maître d’ said it’s gonna be at least an hour.
Penny: An hour? What? That’s crazy. We have a reservation.
Leonard: I know.
Penny: So what did you say?
Leonard: Thanks, sorry to bother you. But I said it like a badass.
Penny: All right, well, can’t you, like, slip him some money or something?
Leonard: Really? I’ve never done that before. Does it work?
Penny: Do people like money? Is that what you’re asking?
Leonard: A lot of attitude from the woman who thought MC squared was a rapper.
Penny: Now, is that a smart thing to say on a holiday that’s basically national sex night?
Leonard: I’m sorry. You’re pretty, I’m stupid. Hello. Uh, just checking again for Hofstadter. Still gonna be an hour?
Maitre d’: I’m afraid so.
Leonard: Okay. Thanks. Hey. I think you may have dropped this?
Maitre d’: Oh. Did anybody lose a 20?
Man: I did.
Leonard: Oh, I took care of it.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Okay, we are live in five, four, three, oh, wait, oh shoot, I already pushed the button. Never mind, we’re live.
Sheldon: Uh, hello and welcome to a special live edition of Dr. Sheldon Cooper…
Amy: And Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…
Together: Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags.
Amy: Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers.
Sheldon: It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.
Amy: Since we’re live, you’ll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.
Sheldon: Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Uh, uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.
Amy: No, I just blink a lot, it’s not Morse code for rescue me. Oh, uh, ok, uh, here’s our first call. Hello, and welcome to Fun With Flags. What’s your question?
Raj (voice): What is wrong with me? Why am I so self-destructive?
Amy: Rajesh?
Raj: Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?
Amy: I, I think it starts with good communication.
Sheldon: You know what, that’s not a flag question. Next caller.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: I hope you don’t think I’m just saying this because it’s Valentine’s Day, but, I love you so much.
Bernadette: I’m gonna put this down your robe. It’s not moving, but I think it’s still alive.
Howard: Well, should we put it back in there a few minutes?
Bernadette: No. No, and it’s not a rat, it’s a rabbit. We need to save it.
Howard: Well, how do we do that?
Bernadette: Um, I don’t know, look it up on your phone. I’m gonna wrap it in a towel.
Howard: Um, taking care of injured rabbit. Okay. Make sure it’s comfortable and warm. Well, it was just in a hot tub. I’m gonna say check.
Bernadette: Anything else?
Howard: To make sure it’s not dehydrated, feed him an electrolyte solution. If it’s not responding, use a warm cloth to wash its face and genitals. Yeah.
Scene: The restaurant.
Penny: This is ridiculous. You know, I’m gonna go talk to the maître d’.
Leonard: What are you gonna say?
Penny: I don’t know. I’m, I’m gonna flirt with him.
Leonard: I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.
Penny: I’m still sleeping with you tonight.
Leonard: See if you can get a table by the window.
Penny: Hi there. What’s your name?
Maitre d’: Glen.
Penny: Oh, boy, it is crazy in here tonight, huh, Glen?
Maitre d’: Well, you know, Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Yes. Oh, bet your girlfriend is super bummed you had to work tonight. Anyway, look, we have been waiting a while, and I just…
Maitre d’: With all due respect, ma’am, there’s nothing I can do.
Penny: You don’t have to call me ma’am.
Maitre d’: Okay.
Penny: I mean, we’re basically the same age.
Maitre d’: Okay.
Penny: How old are you?
Maitre d’: I’m 21. How old are you?
Penny: Just shut up, Glen. Come on, let’s get out of here.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: Because I’m young. Let’s go.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Rajesh, it’s perfectly normal to have doubts after breaking up with someone.
Raj (voice): You really think so?
Sheldon: Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you.
Amy: Your friend is hurting.
Raj: No, Sheldon’s right. Emily did say I always talk about my feelings too much.
Sheldon: I suppose that could be a legitimate concern in a relationship. Uh, perhaps even a, a red flag. And speaking of red flags, check out this sexy number from the former Soviet Union. Hubba, hubba.
Amy: Oh. Uh, we-we have another caller. Hi. You’re on Fun with Flags.
Barry (voice): Hewwo. I want to talk about how wonewy I am, too.
Raj: Kripke? Is that you?
Barry: Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties.
Sheldon: Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.
Barry: Aw wight. Is my pole fwag-wewated?
Sheldon: I don’t see why not.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: He’s eating. That’s a good sign.
Howard: You’re gonna have to wait one hour until you can go swimming again.
Bernadette: He’s pretty cute.
Howard: He is. Should we name him?
Bernadette: It is Valentine’s Day. How about Valentino?
Howard: Nice. A classic rabbit name. Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit. Valentino Wolowitz Rabbit. Oh, look at all that chest hair and overbite. Of course you’re a Wolowitz. Son of a bitch, he bit me.
Bernadette: Are you okay?
Howard: No, I’m not okay. Wild rabbits can have rabies.
Bernadette: Oh. Well, why did you put your finger near its mouth?
Howard: Poor judgement, obviously.
Bernadette: He’s so little. I’m sure it’s fine.
Howard: How can it be fine? I just got attacked by a clearly anti-Semitic wild animal.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: It’s not what we planned, but this isn’t so bad, right?
Penny: It is freaking amazing.
Leonard: Well, glad you’re feeling better.
Penny: I was just hungry and cranky, and I’ve never been called ma’am before.
Leonard: Is that a big deal?
Penny: Kind of. When was the first time someone called you sir?
Leonard: Sixth grade, but I wore a sport coat and carried a briefcase, so…
Penny: Can you believe when I met you I was 22? I mean, it’s crazy. Where did all that time go?
Leonard: Mm, you watched The Bachelor a lot.
Penny: Yeah, go ahead and make jokes, but your thirties are almost over.
Leonard: No, they’re not.
Penny: You’re closer to 40 than you are 30.
Leonard: Ha, ha. You married an old man. Tell you what. Let’s do something fun tonight.
Penny: Won’t make us any younger.
Leonard: Well, maybe not, but some day we actually will be old, and we’ll look back on this night and remember what a good time we had.
Penny: Okay, like what?
Leonard: I know. Food fight. I’ll keep thinking.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Look, I know you both feel bad about being alone, but sometimes the best thing you can do is take a little time for yourself, especially when you just got out of a relationship.
Sheldon: Speaking of ending relationships, when British Honduras became Belize, they designed a new flag with a tree on it, and I would like to hang myself from that tree.
Raj: But, Amy, when you and Sheldon split up, didn’t you start dating someone right away?
Amy: Well, I, I wouldn’t say right away.
Sheldon: And actually, it was three different men.
Barry: Thwee diffewent men? Damn, girl, way to give the milk away?
Amy: Oh, looks like we just lost Kripke.
Barry: No, actuawwy, I’m stiw here.
Amy: Now?
Barry: Yup.
Amy: Now?
Barry: Yup.
Amy: Now? Oh, looks like we just lost Kripke.
Raj: Before Emily, I was alone for so long. I just, I don’t know if I can do that again.
Sheldon: Well, you know, here is something that might cheer you up. The flag of the Isle of Man is nothing but three legs sharing a weird pair of underpants, so you think you got problems.
Amy: I have an idea. Maybe someone in our audience would be interested in meeting Rajesh. Ladies, I can attest that he is a kind, handsome, intelligent…
Raj: Rich parents, don’t forget, rich parents.
Amy: …spoiled astrophysicist who not only… oh. Well, that was quick. Hi. You’re on Fun with Flags.
Barry: Hey, I think I got cut off.
Amy: Hello, Kripke.
Barry: I have a fwag question. How many men did you have sex with?
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Let’s see. What’s young and fun? Uh, we could go dancing.
Leonard: Are you actually gonna dance?
Leonard: Of course.
Penny: Yeah. No one wants to see that. Hey, how about skinny dipping at the beach?
Leonard: No, I don’t need any fish nibbling my business.
Penny: Oh, there’s a screening of Moulin Rouge, I heard the crowd sings along and stuff.
Leonard: That sounds fun. When’s it start?
Penny: Midnight.
Leonard: Midnight. Really? You know what? Let’s do it.
Penny: Okay, great. Oh, wait. Uh, it’s sold out.
Leonard: Oh, thank God.
Penny: Yes.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: It says, rabies in rabbits is highly unlikely.
Bernadette: Oh, terrific.
Howard: It’s not terrific. Lots of highly unlikely things happen. You saw what’s under this robe, and you still married me.
Bernadette: If you’re really worried, we’ll take him to the vet and have him tested.
Howard: Good. Thank you. Oh, okay, there is a test. All they have to do is cut off his head and check his brain.
Bernadette: Oh, cut off his head? That’s where his little nose is.
Howard: He’s not showing any symptoms. I guess I’ll just go to the emergency room to be safe.
Bernadette: Howie, this is just your hypochondria.
Howard: No, when I sat on the mute button and thought I’d gone deaf, that was my hypochondria.
Bernadette: We’ll find another time to tell him I’m pregnant.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj (voice): I mean, this is the first time I’ve ever broken up with someone. I just, I didn’t realize it was gonna hurt this much.
Amy: It really can.
Sheldon: All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with.
Raj: I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll hang up now.
Amy: No, hold on, Rajesh. You know, you’re not being very sympathetic. You know first hand that breakups are hard.
Sheldon: Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us.
Barry: Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.
Amy: I’m just gonna push all the buttons.
Sheldon: Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.
Amy: So do I.
Sheldon: When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they…
Leonard and Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day!
Leonard: We are young and fun.
Sheldon: I stand corrected. Fun.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Congratulations on a successful live show.
Amy: And a lovely Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Cleaning up is not young and fun.
Leonard: It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this.
Sheldon: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?
Amy: Interesting, and when would you use the singular?
Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose. No, no, no, no. Other side. There you go.
Following a “previously on” sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Morning.
Bernadette: Morning.
Howard: We? What is this?
Bernadette: I don’t know. Maybe it says something on the back.
Howard: Continued on milk. If you’re tricking me into making my own breakfast, it didn’t work for my mom, and it won’t work for you. Are. We are. See spoons for more.
Bernadette: What could it be? We are Groot? We are the champions? We are family? I got all my sisters with me?
Howard: Are you serious?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: Are you sure?
Bernadette: Pretty positive. That’s a joke, because the pregnancy test says…
Howard: Oh, my God. This is incredible. We’re gonna be parents? We’re gonna get to board planes first. Finally gonna get to see what’s in that family bathroom at the mall.
Bernadette: I know, it’s crazy.
Howard: It is crazy. Oh. I mean, how do you prepare for something like this? I’m not even sure I’ve held a baby before.
Bernadette: Oh, it’s okay, you’ll figure it out.
Howard: But how’s this all gonna work? Do we get a nanny? I mean, can we afford a nanny? And if we can, we can’t get a pretty one, ’cause it’ll wreck our marriage. We can’t get an ugly one, ’cause it’ll scare the kid.
Bernadette: I don’t know, Howie.
Howard: Are we in a good school district? You’re Catholic, I’m Jewish. What religion do we raise it? And if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised? People say it’s barbaric, but if we don’t, it looks like a pig in a blanket.
Bernadette: Calm down, it’s gonna be okay.
Howard: How’s it gonna be okay? Look at me, I’m a mess. And that means this baby’s gonna be half a mess. And that’s even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, Raj, I read a couple of guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?
Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn’t you discover it?
Raj: Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays.
Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Hey, bud.
Leonard: Ready to play when you are.
Howard: Yeah, um, in a minute. I actually need to tell you guys something.
Raj: If it’s thank you for the home made jam you got in December, congratulations, you’re the first one.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Howard: I’m, uh, uh, gonna be a father.
Leonard: What? Congratulations.
Raj: That’s so amazing.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Leonard: Why oh, no?
Sheldon: Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
Leonard: Relax, there’s room for two babies in this group.
Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?
Leonard: You’re the other baby.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?
Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his graham crackers because one of them was broken?
Sheldon: I guess we’ll call this a draw.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s patio.
Bernadette: So, I’m glad you guys are here. There’s something I want to share with you. Howie and I are going to…
Penny (reading text): Leonard says you’re pregnant.
Amy: What?
Penny: Don’t say anything. act surprised when she tells you. All right, how you want to do this?
Bernadette: I’m pregnant.
Penny: Oh, my God, I can’t believe it.
Amy: This is so exciting.
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s all real exciting.
Penny: Are, are you not happy about this?
Bernadette: I am. Of-of course I am. I’m, I’m sure it’s just the hormones. But it’s weird, Howie’s the one who’s been talking about having kids for years, and I was all excited to tell him because I thought he’d be thrilled, but then he started to flip out and now this feels like a bad idea and I’m gonna get fat.
Penny: No, no, come on. Come on, you’re not gonna get fat. You’re gonna be beautiful and glowing and, and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say, skinny bitch. Sorry, hormones.
Penny: Oh, that’s all right. All I heard was skinny.
Amy: I wouldn’t make too much out of Howard not reacting the way you expected him to.
Penny: Yeah, I’m sure it was just the initial shock of it all.
Bernadette: You’re probably right. After we talked about it, he started to calm down.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: I shouldn’t be raising a kid. I don’t even eat my own vegetables.
Leonard: Buddy, I, I think you might be overreacting.
Howard: And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me?
Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.
Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.
Sheldon: Oh, but then we’d have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.
Howard: Oh, my God, and do you have any idea how expensive having a kid is?
Raj: I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars? God, it’s like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts. That’s it, I got to start earning more money right now.
Raj: I know, you could ask Bernadette for a raise in your allowance.
Howard: This isn’t a joke.
Raj: I wasn’t joking.
Leonard: It’ll be fine. People have kids every day. You’ll figure this out.
Raj: Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it.
Howard: You’re right, it is, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.
Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?
Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn’t happen to us?
Leonard: Go out and celebrate. But not your worst idea.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s patio.
Amy: Hey, let’s go do something to get your mind off this.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
Bernadette: Where?
Penny: Uh, I don’t know, a bar?
Bernadette: Can’t drink.
Penny: We can, but all right.
Amy: Are you hungry? How about that sushi place you love?
Bernadette: Doctor said I can’t have sushi.
Penny: Okay, look, we don’t have to go anywhere. We can just, you know, stay here and hang out in the hot tub.
Bernadette: Doctor said I can’t go in the hot tub.
Amy: Maybe you should get a new doctor. What, he said you can’t laugh either?
Scene: A bar.
Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to our friend, Howard, his, um, his big heart, his beautiful soul…
Leonard: And his tight little pants that somehow did not make him sterile.
All: Cheers.
Howard: Well, look at this. I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn’t have to worry about money. He can have all the kids he wants.
Sheldon: And can keep a small portion of their heads dry.
Howard: If I’m gonna have any chance of raising this kid, I need to come up with a big idea to make some money.
Leonard: There’s no reason you can’t.
Howard: That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.
Leonard: That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it.
Sheldon: Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.
Leonard: Uh, these are strong, you should slow down.
Sheldon: Oh. I’ll just take one last sip. Ah.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard: Okay, how about this for an invention, slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas.
Leonard: How is that a new invention?
Howard: I don’t know, all Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.
Raj: It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.
Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?
Leonard: The same reason we don’t do a lot of fun stuff. You.
Sheldon: That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?
Raj: Uh, it’s in the corner.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Hey, how you doin’?
Raj: I hope the bathroom is clearly marked.
Leonard: Doesn’t matter. He’s headed for the kitchen anyway.
Howard: Maybe that’s an idea, guidance systems for drunk people.
Raj: They have that. It’s called Uber.
Howard: Hey. In your supercooled helium experiments, did you create quantum vortices?
Leonard: Yeah. Why?
Howard: Well, if you made a guidance system, couldn’t you use those vortices as a gyroscope?
Leonard: Wow. I’ve never thought about that.
Howard: And since it’s in a quantum state, it would maintain an infinite persistence.
Raj: Groundbreaking revelations, tropical drinks. Tell me this isn’t like the best episode of Sex and the City.
Leonard: You may have actually just come up with something.
Howard: You think so?
Leonard: I really do.
Sheldon: You guys, the bathroom here is amazing. There’s people cooking in it.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s patio.
Amy: Think about all the fun things you get to do when you have a baby.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, you get to buy toys and little clothes.
Bernadette: I kind of already do that for Howie.
Penny: And whenever you’re hungry, you’ll be in a minivan with Cheerios all over the floor.
Amy: Oh, and I just found a new travel cup for Sheldon. It only lets out three at a time. So, when did you guys decide to get pregnant?
Bernadette: Well, we didn’t exactly decide. We were talking about it, and then one night we got a little reckless.
Penny: Oh, tell us.
Amy: Yeah, tell us.
Bernadette: No, I’m embarrassed.
Penny: Oh, come on, we’re all grown-ups. We’ve all done it.
Amy: Me, me, me too. I’m a grown-up and I’ve done it.
Bernadette: Fine. We were out one night, and things got a little spontaneous.
Amy: Oh, that sounds juicy.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon was going on and on about time zones and railroad schedules, and I went out…
Penny: Wait, I remember that. Hang on. You did it at our place?
Bernadette: Kind of on Sheldon’s bed.
Amy: What?
Penny: No.
Bernadette: I was headed to the bathroom, and I passed Howie on his way out. Usually he says, do not go in there, but this time he said, hey, let’s go in here.
Amy: How could you do that?
Bernadette: I’m sorry, but you know what it’s like when you’re with your man and one thing leads to another.
Amy: I do know what that’s like. I really do.
Scene: The bar.
Leonard: I’m not seeing anyone using liquid helium vortices like this.
Howard: I’m not finding anything either.
Raj: It’s a good sign.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, I found something.
Howard: Damn. What is it?
Sheldon: This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.
Leonard: Can you focus on what we’re talking about?
Sheldon: All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.
Raj: Even drunk, he’s still smarter than all of us.
Sheldon: And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?
Leonard: I’d enjoy that.
Sheldon: Nah, she’s a good kid.
Howard: If this is a viable thing, we could get a patent and license it to companies that make guidance systems.
Raj: Look at that. You’ve known you’re gonna be a father for less than a day and you’re already stepping up.
Leonard: I’m telling you, you got this.
Howard: Maybe you’re right.
Sheldon: Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s hot tub.
Bernadette: You guys can go in if you want.
Penny: No, we’re a team. If you can’t go in, we’re not going in.
Amy: Then why are we drinking?
Penny: Okay, it’s not like she’s got the Christ child in there, all right? (Checking text) Oh. It’s Leonard. He says Sheldon’s drunk and they’re gonna do karaoke if we want to join them.
Bernadette: That sounds fun.
Amy: Oh, no. Sheldon’s drunk texting me.
Penny: What’s it say?
Amy: Would you like to sing karaoke with us.
Bernadette: How is that a drunk text?
Amy: He used a period instead of a question mark. He’s so wasted.
Scene: The bar.
Raj (rapping): Your movie’s showing, so you’re going. Could care less about the five you’re blowing. Theatre gets dark just to start the show. You spot a fine woman sitting in your row, she’s dressed in yellow, she says hello, come sit next to me, you fine fellow. You run over there without a second to lose, and what comes next, hey, bust a move.
Leonard (singing): You want it, you got it, oh, you want it, baby you got it
Raj: Just bust a move,
Leonard: You want it, you got it, oh, you want it, baby you got it
Raj: Just bust a move,
Leonard: You want it, you got it, oh, you want it, baby you got it
Penny: Hey, guys. Congratulations.
Howard: Thank you.
Amy: Hi. How are you doing?
Sheldon: Wonderful. I’m being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it.
Howard: I’m really glad you’re here. Can we talk?
Bernadette: Sure.
Penny: So, you gonna get up there later?
Sheldon: A microphone, a room full of inaccurate depictions of Polynesian religion, and a captive audience to hear about it? You bet I am.
Howard: I’m sorry I freaked out this morning. I want you to know I’m done being scared.
Bernadette: It’s okay to be nervous. I am, too.
Howard: Thank God, ’cause I was lying, you might not have to wait nine months to see someone soil their pants. But I’m also really excited. I mean it.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Howard: I love you. Mmm. And I’m not just saying that because your breasts are gonna get bigger.
Scene: The same, later.
Penny (singing): Are we an item? Girl, quit playin’.
Amy (singing): We’re just friends, what are you sayin’?
Penny (singing): Say there’s another and look right in my eyes.
Amy (singing): My first love broke my heart for the first time.
Together: And I was like, baby, baby, baby, ooh, like, baby, baby, baby, no, like, baby, baby, baby, ooh, I thought you’d always be mine.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard (singing): Baby, I need your lovin’, got to have all your lovin’. Baby, I need your lovin’, got to have all your lovin’.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj (singing): Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby. Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby.
Leonard (singing): Ah, push it.
Bernadette: I appreciate this, but you really…
Leonard (singing): Push it real good.
Scene: The same, later.
Sheldon (singing): Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrims’ pride, from every mountainside let freedom ring.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard: I’d like to dedicate my last song of the evening to my wife, best friend, and now the mother of our child. I love you, Bernie. (Singing) Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me. Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ what you’re thinkin’ of me.
Sheldon: You’re kidding. What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else’s bedroom?
Howard: Thank you, Pasadena. Good night.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: That was such a fun night.
Leonard: Probably ’cause you got to see your man up there rockin’ the mic.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat-box.
Leonard: Oh. That was really an asthma attack. I just sold it.
Penny: Well, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
Leonard: Me, too. So, you ever think about it?
Penny: Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?
Leonard: I think we’d make amazing parents.
Sheldon: Will you guys keep it down?
Penny: On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
Scene: The stairwell
Amy: So Sheldon, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about but I know it’s kind of a touchy subject.
Leonard: Way to narrow it down to everything.
Sheldon: What is it?
Amy: Well, your birthday’s coming up, and you’ve never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.
Sheldon: Oh, I suppose that’s a discussion we could have.
Amy: Okay, great, I mean, it doesn’t have to be a big party or anything. I was just, where’d he go?
Penny: W, wait a minute. You mention his birthday and he vanishes?
Leonard: Well, where’s that information been this whole time?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Well, where is he?
Amy: Sheldon?
Leonard: I’ll check his room.
Sheldon: Surprise.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Sheldon: Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you.
Amy: I’m sorry I brought it up.
Penny: Yeah, what is the problem? Is it about getting older?
Sheldon: Please, look at this porcelain skin. I’m like a human sink.
Amy: But it’s the one day a year that’s just all about you.
Leonard: One day. Right.
Amy: Can you please just tell me why?
Sheldon: Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.
Amy: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.
Penny: Oh, poor thing.
Sheldon: When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.
Amy: You realize none of those things would happen now?
Sheldon: I do, but why do you care if I celebrate my birthday at all?
Amy: Well, you made my last birthday so memorable, I wanted to return the favour.
Penny: You know, if you had a party now, you have plenty of friends that would love to come.
Leonard: And we live here, so we have no choice.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Very well. You may celebrate my life by throwing a party with cake, presents and a shower of admiration and love. But then you owe me big-time.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: You have any idea what you’re getting Sheldon for his birthday?
Raj: He’s been fascinated with dinosaurs lately. Maybe we could get him a fossil.
Leonard: Well, just don’t get anything Jurassic. He feels like that whole chunk of time has gone Hollywood. Hey, uh, you know, he told a sad story about how his sister tricked him into thinking Batman was coming to his party.
Howard: That’s funny. Let’s do that.
Leonard: Maybe we could get Batman to actually show up.
Raj: You mean, some guy in a lame suit?
Leonard: Or a real Batman. Hey, Stuart? Didn’t you try to get Adam West to do a signing here once?
Stuart: Yeah, but there was kind of a scheduling conflict. He, uh, wanted to know when he’d get paid. And I wouldn’t tell him.
Leonard: Can I get his contact info?
Stuart: Sure, uh, but just so you know, he’s kind of a diva.
Leonard: He is?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Won’t take the bus. He won’t pack his own lunch. Won’t let you spend the night on his couch.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Okay, so how do you feel about party balloons?
Sheldon: Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.
Penny: All right, what about music?
Sheldon: I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing.
Penny: No music it is.
Bernadette: What kind of cake do you like?
Sheldon: Well, my favourite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there’s writing on it, make sure it’s not all caps. I don’t need my dessert yelling at me.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Raj: Hey, so what was Adam West like on the phone?
Leonard: Uh, nice guy. But it was a little weird to hear Batman say don’t ring the doorbell or my poodles will go crazy.
Raj: You know, Adam West is my favourite Batman? Well, after Michael Keaton, Christian Bale and Batman from The Lego Movie.
Howard: Don’t say that to him.
Raj: What? He beat out George Clooney, and that’s something. Like, I love me some Clooney.
Leonard: Don’t say that to anyone.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Thank you so much for helping us, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, I, I was just glad to be invited. To be honest, I don’t always feel like I’m part of the group.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, we’re on the clock here. Can you hate yourself and frost at the same time?
Barry: Hewwo, I hope I’m not too earwy.
Bernadette: No, no, no. Come on in.
Barry: And how is the wadiant mommy-to-be?
Bernadette: Doing great.
Stuart: You, you’re pregnant?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Stuart: Sounds like something a member of the group might know.
Penny: Yeah, birthday party first. Pity party later.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Are you crazy? How can you put Michael Keaton in front of Christian Bale?
Adam West: Oh, please. Even my poodles know Bale’s overrated.
Raj: Thank you. That’s why I say Keaton’s number one. He brought a sense of humour to the role.
Adam: Oh, if you’re gonna factor in a sense of humour, then I should be at the top of the list. It should be me, Keaton, Kilmer, Lego, Bale, and that pretty boy Clooney.
Howard: Really? You’re ahead of Bale? The man who personified the words, I’m Batman.
Adam: I never had to say I’m Batman. I showed up, people knew I was Batman. Everywhere I went, on the TV show, mall openings, Julie Newmar’s bungalow.
Leonard: I’m sold, you’re ahead of Bale.
Adam: There’s another reason I should be higher on the list. All those other guys had muscles built into their costumes. All I had in my Batsuit was 100%, grade-A West.
Howard: Can we just all agree we’re worried about Affleck?
Leonard: Sure.
Raj: Yeah, of course.
Adam: What’s an Affleck?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?
Amy: Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.
Sheldon: But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong?
Amy: Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit.
Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.
Amy: Maybe later I’ll, uh, get to see you in your birthday suit.
Sheldon: But this is my birthday suit. Are you having a stroke? Because that’s the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, Mother, I’m surprised you came all this way for Sheldon’s birthday.
Beverley: Oh, I was happy to. He did come to my 60th.
Leonard: Oh. You had a party for your 60th?
Beverley: Oh, I wouldn’t call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother.
Penny: You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn’t invite her.
Beverley: And I never did thank you for that, dear.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: Oh. Penny says everyone’s there. Are you ready?
Sheldon: I am. Oh. Wait.
Amy: Are you all right?
Sheldon: No, I just, I got a little light-headed.
Amy: Oh, do you need a minute?
Sheldon: No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this.
All: Happy birthday!
Leonard: Speech! Speech!
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, say something.
Sheldon: Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason.
Leonard: Batman finally came to your party.
Adam: Happy birthday, Sherman.
Sheldon: Thank you. This is all so thoughtful. Excuse me.
Adam: I still get paid, don’t I?
Scene: A little later.
Leonard: Okay, I’d better go in there and talk to him.
Amy: Well, don’t you think I’m the one who should go in?
Leonard: No offence, but I’ve known the guy a really long time.
Amy: Well, I’ve, you know, seen him without pants on.
Leonard: Again, no offence, but so have I.
Amy: Well, he’s seen me without pants on.
Leonard: Again, no…
Penny: Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in?
Sheldon: How do you know I’m not using the facilities?
Penny: Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on?
Sheldon: I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.
Penny: I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever.
Sheldon: I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.
Penny: Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it.
Sheldon: I don’t think I can go back out there.
Penny: That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too.
Sheldon: Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.
Penny: My point is, there was a time I never would’ve been friends with someone like you, and now you are one of my favourite people. So, if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I’m happy to do it with you.
Sheldon: Well, everyone will think I’m weird.
Penny: Sweetie, you are weird. Everyone knows you’re weird, but they’re all still here because they care about you so much.
Barry (knocking): Hewwo. Some of us need to check our hair because we might have a shot with Weonard’s mother.
Scene: Later.
Leslie Winkle: Leonard.
Leonard: Hey.
Leslie: It’s been a while.
Leonard: Leslie. I can’t remember the last time we talked. So much has changed.
Leslie: Has it?
Leonard: Yeah, uh, um, Penny and I got married.
Leslie: Wow, congratulations. You know, actually, I thought you’d be living with Sheldon forever.
Leonard: Yeah, well, don’t be a stranger.
Penny: Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?
Barry: What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack.
Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.
Amy: If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.
General cheers.
Sheldon: Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.
Howard: Sheldon, I don’t think everyone…
Sheldon: Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.
Howard: Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend.
Sheldon: Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.
Wil: Sheldon, I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is so much more interesting because you are in it. We may have met because you are a fan of Star Trek. But I have become a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Live long and prosper, buddy. And happy birthday.
General cheers.
Sheldon: That’s how you do it, Wolowitz. Now you see why he’s famous and you’re not.
Beverley: Sheldon, I know the future holds great things for you, and we all can’t wait to see what they are. Happy birthday, dear.
General cheers.
Barry: Someone caw Animal Contwol. There’s a cougar on the woose.
Beverley: Barry, stop.
Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.
Raj: And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Sheldon: And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.
Leslie: Uh, in the past, I would’ve said something obnoxious, like, happy birthday, dumbass. But I’m not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it’s just so nice to see you all again. So, happy birthday, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, now, you know I hate change. Say it.
Leslie: Happy birthday, dumbass.
General cheers.
Adam: Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs…
Bernadette: I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon.
General cheers.
Sheldon: Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect.
Howard: What? You gotta be kidding me?
Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: Happy birthday, buddy.
General cheers.
Sheldon: Thank you. That, that was wonderful.
Penny: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Stuart didn’t get to speak.
Stuart: Oh, oh, okay. Um, uh, Sheldon, I’ve spent most of my life feeling invisible, but having you and everyone…
Amy: Hey, everybody, listen up.
Penny: You nailed it.
Amy: We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
Stephen Hawking (on Skype): Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking.
Stephen: Happy birthday to you.
Sheldon: Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…
Stephen: Happy birthday to you.
Sheldon: Oh, you’re singing. Well, I’m sorry.
Stephen: Happy birthday, dear Sheldon.
Leonard: Uh, Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we’ll light the candles, and we can all sing together.
Stephen: I was crushing it, but all right.
Penny: Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say, I hope you didn’t think you were gonna get through tonight without a hug.
Sheldon: You know, I used to hate these hugs. Now they’re just extremely irritating.
Leonard: Ready when you are, Professor Hawking.
Stephen: And a one, and a two…
All: Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Sheldon,
Happy birthday to you.
General cheers.
Adam: So, who’s taking me home?
Following a “previously on” sequence.
Scene: Outside the University legal office.
Howard: Okay, I gotta ask, why are you wearing a bow tie?
Sheldon: I’ve never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.
Howard: Is the impression that your first name is Pee-Wee?
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re an engineer. End of joke, burn.
Attorney: Come on in, fellas.
Howard: See, he’s not wearing a tie.
Leonard: Well, he’s a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.
Attorney: So, I’ve reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we’ve got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.
Sheldon: That’s great.
Howard: Excellent.
Leonard: So what happens next?
Attorney: Well, the legal team needs to review existing patents to avoid overlap.
Howard: Oh, I don’t think there will be.
Leonard: Yeah, we did our own search.
Attorney: That’s nice, but I think ours might be a bit more thorough.
Sheldon: Get a load of this guy.
Howard: Can you imagine if we make money with this?
Leonard: If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.
Howard: That old sad story, guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose.
Attorney: Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.
Howard: Seventy-five percent?
Sheldon: That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?
Attorney: It’s university policy.
Sheldon: I know when I’m beat.
Leonard: Hold on, hold on. So the three of us do all the work and only end up with 25%?
Attorney: Dr. Hofstadter, this university has been paying your salaries for over ten years. Did you think we do that out of the goodness of our hearts?
Leonard: Well, until you just said that mean thing, kinda.
Attorney: And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I’m afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you’re not entitled to an ownership share.
Howard: Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?
Attorney: Well, sometimes they give you a plaque.
Sheldon: Well, that’s not fair. We should all get plaques.
Leonard: Sorry, but we can’t sign this.
Howard: Come on, let’s go.
Leonard: Thank you for your time.
Sheldon: Couple of questions about the plaque.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: So, have you been having any morning sickness?
Bernadette: A little. And it doesn’t help that I’ve got this heightened sense of smell.
Penny: Is that a pregnancy thing?
Bernadette: Yeah. The other day I sniffed out where Howie hid the Girl Scout cookies. No more Tagalongs, my ass.
Penny: But now you’ll be able to make your own milk to eat the cookies with.
Raj: Hey, guys. Hey, Penny. I really appreciate you helping me with this. I don’t know what to do.
Penny: Oh, sure. Let me see it.
Amy: See what?
Raj: I hadn’t spoken to Emily since I broke up with her, and she left this on my doorstep with a note.
Penny: Raj, I got you this before we split up, but couldn’t return it and thought you’d like to have it. Happy belated Valentine’s Day, Emily.
Bernadette: That’s nice.
Penny: Nice, or is she trying to manipulate him?
Raj: I know. I mean, do I open it? Do I return it?
Amy: Why wouldn’t you open it?
Raj: Well, she was pretty mad. For all I know it’s a voodoo doll of me with a fork stuck in my junk.
Bernadette: You don’t think she’d actually send you something gross or dangerous, do you?
Penny: I know one way to find out. Sniff this.
Amy: She’s pregnant, she’s not a bloodhound.
Bernadette: Although I am getting a little machine oil. I think it’s metal.
Penny: Come on, just open it.
Raj: You know, on Game of Thrones, Balon Greyjoy received his son’s genitals in a box.
Penny: Well, never hurts to have a spare.
Bernadette: What is that?
Raj: Wow. It’s an antique sextant. Sailors used these to find their position by the stars.
Amy: What a nice gift for an astrophysicist.
Raj: I know, she’s so thoughtful.
Penny: See, she’s trying to get you back. Now, that is exactly what I would’ve gotten you if I had any idea what it is or what you do.
Raj: You know, I have too much self-esteem to let this girl guilt me into getting back together with her.
Amy: You don’t need to be pregnant to smell that load of crap.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Well, what if we go around the university and just get the patent ourselves?
Howard: We can’t. It says on their Web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.
Sheldon: Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says Dumb as a Bag of Geologists.
Leonard: Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don’t do it at all.
Howard: Either way, I get nothing.
Leonard: Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.
Sheldon: To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs.
Howard: I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?
Leonard: Of course, we can split any profits three ways.
Sheldon: I’m fine with that.
Howard: Okay, great.
Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.
Leonard: Sure, we could write something up.
Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who…
Howard: You can do it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: So stipulated.
Leonard: Once I found a stash of contracts under his bed. It was weird.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: I wonder how much she spent on this.
Amy: Ooh, let’s find out.
Raj: It doesn’t matter. It’s the thought that counts.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, and beauty’s on the inside, size doesn’t matter, how much she spend?
Raj: Seriously, guys, I don’t want to know.
Amy: Oh, my.
Raj: Oh, come on, you can’t say oh my, and then not tell me.
Amy: These things go for five hundred dollars and up.
Bernadette: Damn. All I got for Valentine’s Day was a postcard saying my Vermont Teddy Bear was back-ordered.
Penny: Okay, so, she drops off a five hundred dollar gift and she’s not trying to get back together with you?
Raj: Maybe you’re right.
Bernadette: Or she’s telling the truth and just being nice.
Raj: Maybe you’re right. Wow, I am easy to manipulate. (Phone rings) Oh, guys, it’s Emily. What should I do?
Penny: Okay, answer it. Just be strong. And if she starts to cry, don’t make any promises. And most importantly, put it on speaker so we can hear.
Raj: Hello?
Emily (voice): Hey, it’s Emily. Is this a good time?
Raj: Yeah, yeah. Sure. What’s up?
Emily: Was it okay I left that gift? I’m really hoping we can be friends.
Raj: Maybe, maybe.
Emily: Um, you think you’d want to grab a cup of coffee? Hello?
Raj: I’m sorry, I seem to be taking an annoying amount of time deciding how I feel about this.
Emily: I just, I miss hanging out with you. It’s not like I lost a friend, it’s like I lost my best friend. Is there any chance you’d want to come over?
Raj: I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Emily: Okay. I’m just, I’m having a really hard time, but that’s not your problem, that’s mine. I, I won’t bother you again, but please know that you’ll always have a place in my heart. Bye, Raj. You’re a good guy.
Raj: Good-bye, Emily. That was rough, you guys.
Penny: I know, but you did it. I’m so proud of you.
Raj: Well, anyway, I’ll leave you to your girls’ night.
Amy: Are you sure you don’t want to stay here with us?
Raj: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.
Bernadette: Well, if you change your mind, we’ll be here.
Raj: Thank you.
Penny: Say hi to Emily for us.
Raj: Will do.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: This contract looks good to me.
Sheldon: I’ll say it looks good. It’s in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.
Leonard: I want to say something obnoxious, but it is easy on the eyes.
Bernadette: I’m a little tired, Howie. You ready to go?
Howard: Yeah, one sec. I just need to sign this contract.
Bernadette: What is it?
Howard: Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.
Penny: Sheldon, did you draft the contract?
Sheldon: You bet I did.
Penny: Ooh. You’re gonna make out so hard tonight.
Bernadette: So, you’re just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?
Sheldon: Excuse me. I’ve been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn’t need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don’t need one now.
Bernadette: I know, but…
Howard: Bernie, the guys were nice enough to find a way to keep me from being cut out.
Bernadette: Well, I should hope so. The whole thing was your idea.
Amy: Well, to be fair, Howard’s idea was based on Sheldon’s math.
Leonard: Guys, everyone is involved in thios, okay? Howard’s invention, Sheldon’s math, my original theory that space-time was like a supercooled liquid. Which I’m sure Penny would’ve mentioned if she wasn’t working on that hangnail right now.
Penny: What?
Howard: Honey, this is fine.
Bernadette: If you want to sign a contract that Sheldon whipped up, go ahead.
Howard: Can I talk to you in the hall?
Bernadette: Sure.
Howard: Excuse us.
Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.
Leonard: Good one.
Sheldon: Okay, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.
Howard: What are you doing?
Bernadette: I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through.
Howard: What’s to think about? We have an invention and want to move forward.
Bernadette: Howie, you’re about to form a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: All right, if you’re gonna calmly make excellent points, then I don’t know if I want to talk to you. Okay. I get it. And it’s sweet that you’re worried about me, but I can take care of myself.
Bernadette: I’m not worried about you. I’m worried about me. I don’t want to go through this pregnancy listening to you complain about Sheldon driving you crazy more than you already do.
Howard: Here we go with the ironclad logic again.
Bernadette: You’ve tried to work with him before. It hasn’t gone well. Why is this time gonna be any different?
Howard: Is the foetus helping you? ‘Cause that’s cheating.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Raj (answering phone): Hello?
Claire: Hey, Raj. It’s Claire. How are you?
Raj: Hi. I’m good. Really good. Well, I don’t know why I said really good. I’m just regular good. I really just wanted to sound confident. And that really was a real really, not a fake really like the first really.
Claire: Really?
Raj: I don’t know. I lost track and I missed my exit. So, uh, so what’s up?
Claire: Well, last time we talked, I had just gotten back together with my boyfriend, and I wanted to let you know that things didn’t work out.
Raj: Really? I’m sorry. I swear I know other words.
Claire: So if you were still interested.
Raj: Yes. Indeed. Absolutely. Indubitably. I’m not even sure what the last one means, but it’s another word, and I know it. So, uh, when do you want to meet up?
Claire: Uh, I’m almost off work. What are you doing now?
Raj: Right now, well, well, actually, to, to be completely honest, I’m stopping by to see my ex-girlfriend because she’s having a tough time. But it’s not like we’re getting back together or anything.
Claire: Let me guess, the worst part about breaking up is that she doesn’t have her best friend to talk to any more?
Raj: That’s exactly what she said. How do you know that?
Claire: I’m a girl. It’s, like, page one out of the playbook.
Raj: Any chance you could send me a PDF of that playbook?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: They’ve been out there a while.
Amy: I hope everything’s okay.
Sheldon: I wonder what they’re talking about.
Penny: If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: You guys all right?
Howard: Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.
Howard: Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me.
Sheldon: Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.
Bernadette: Are you saying that his contributions aren’t as valuable as yours?
Sheldon: No, I am not saying that, because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said stop saying that.
Howard: See? This is what happens every time we work together.
Penny: You know what, hang on. What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
Leonard: What? Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don’t know about?
Penny: No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.
Bernadette: How would you enforce it?
Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what do you think?
Howard: I’m on board.
Sheldon: I’ll add it right now. Oh, baby, it’s addendum time.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Emily (voice): Hello?
Raj: Hey, Emily, listen, I’ve been thinking, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea that I come over.
Emily: Oh. Okay. I understand.
Raj: No, no. Please don’t cry.
Emily: Okay, I’ll stop.
fade
Claire: Hello?
Raj: Hey, so, listen, Claire, change of plans…
Claire: Fine. Do what you want, but she’s playing you.
Raj: I don’t think so. She sounded pretty upset.
Claire: You mean like, I was just really looking forward to seeing you. I’m having such a rough day.
fade
Raj: Emily, listen, I’m sorry, but I can’t come by.
Emily: Why not?
Raj: I think we both know if I come over, we’re gonna get back together and…
Emily: I told you I needed a friend. What do you think is happening here?
Raj: Call you right back.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: The, the revisions I made start on page four.
Penny: Wow. That is a lot of whereupons.
Amy: You should see the Valentine’s Day card he gave me.
Howard: Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.
Leonard: Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too.
Sheldon: Do you still like cilantro?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: You’re tying my hands here.
Howard: All right, let’s sign this.
Penny: Wait, wait, wait. What are these changes on page six?
Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?
Howard: I should’ve known.
Bernadette: 25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz. Sheldon, that’s so nice.
Leonard: That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap.
Howard: That’s very generous, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.
Howard: I appreciate that.
Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: What? I didn’t sign it yet.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Raj: I hear what you’re saying, but I’ve known Emily a long time, and I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Claire: All right, it’s your life. But you know how this is gonna end.
Raj: As a matter of fact, I do. I’m gonna comfort her, because I’m a caring and decent friend who’s happy to be there when she needs someone to talk to.
Scene: Emily’s bed.
Raj: Good talk.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on Skype): I didn’t understand your e-mail.
Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up.
Amy: I didn’t understand your e-mail.
Sheldon: Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.
Amy: Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow?
Sheldon: So, is that a yes?
Amy: Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date.
Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.
Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.
Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.
Sheldon: The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.
Amy: Get a new computer.
Sheldon: What?
Amy: Get a new computer.
Sheldon: What? (Answering phone) Hello?
Amy (on phone) Get a new computer.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Leonard: This is cool. When was the last time you and I built something together?
Howard: Scientifically? A little over a year ago. LEGOs? Last week in my room.
Leonard: If there was a Nobel Prize for Millennium Falcons that fall apart when you pick them up, we’d be set.
Penny: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey. What are you doing here?
Bernadette: We heard there were some sexy scientists working hard all weekend.
Penny: Yup, so we brought you some lunch and we are gonna go look for ’em.
Leonard: Soup, sandwiches and emasculation, just like my mom used to make.
Penny: So, how’s it goin’?
Leonard: Good. Slow.
Howard: There’s a lot of tedious setup, but once we get through that it should go quicker.
Penny: Is there anything we can do to help?
Leonard: You know what, this part isn’t that technical. You actually could.
Penny: Wow, really? Called my bluff. All righty then.
Bernadette: Can we really help?
Howard: While we finish soldering these boards, it’d be great if you guys could wrap these pipe fittings with Teflon tape.
Leonard: I’ll show you how to do one.
Penny: Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if after all your years of hard work, I’m the one who makes a scientific breakthrough? He doesn’t think that’s funny.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I got here as quickly as I could.
Sheldon: You’re too late.
Amy: Sheldon, this is silly.
Sheldon: You got emotional when that lab monkey died.
Amy: That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language.
Sheldon: Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.
Amy: Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer.
Sheldon: How could you do that?
Amy: Do what?
Sheldon: Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?
Amy: Well, the guy at the store said this one is great.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, he does know his stuff.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Leonard: After you wrap the body in reflective tape, the ends get Teflon tape so we can get a tight seal.
Penny: Like this?
Leonard: Yeah, perfect.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: And it helps to have small, delicate fingers. So don’t be discouraged if you can’t do it as fast as me and Howard.
Howard: I don’t know if we have enough solder to finish these circuit boards.
Leonard: We had a full spool yesterday.
Howard: What can I say, I play hard, I solder even harder.
Bernadette: Sometimes he solders at home with his shirt off. It’s like a beer commercial.
Leonard: Well, we got to make a run to the hardware store.
Penny: How can you call yourself a scientist and run out of solder?
Leonard: Well, funny story. So, we have plenty of the 60/40 tin-to-lead ratio solder, but the spools look a lot like the 63/37 tin-to-lead…
Penny: Honey, honey, honey, let me stop you. That is, is not a funny story.
Howard: You want to come with us?
Bernadette: I’m kind of getting into the groove here.
Penny: Yeah, you guys run to the store and let the women handle the science for a change.
Leonard: Okay. We’ll be back as soon as we can.
Penny: Okay, so what is solder?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I suppose I should set this up. Or would you like to rob me of that, too?
Amy: Knock it off or I’ll start making W-H sounds for words that just have a W.
Sheldon: You wouldn’t.
Amy: Whatch me.
Sheldon: Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.
Amy: I thought you might like it.
Sheldon: Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.
Amy: Or you could just look into my eyes.
Sheldon: But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.
Amy: Well, you know, as long as you’re happy.
Sheldon: Oh. I am.
Amy: And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it.
Sheldon: Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.
Amy: Oh, but he said you can get store credit.
Sheldon: Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.
Amy: But why wouldn’t…
Sheldon: Can we please change the subject?
Amy: Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this?
Sheldon: I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.
Amy: Sheldon, just tell me.
Sheldon: It might be easier to show you.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: We’d have to take your car.
Amy: All right.
Sheldon: And I’m gonna need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Amy: Well, I signed one before we slept together. Why not now?
Scene: A street.
Leonard: Penny says they’re having fun working on the prototype.
Howard: Remember when her fun was nightclubs and drinking games?
Leonard: I know. I’m lowering the bar so slowly. This time next year she’ll have a coin collection.
Man: Excuse me. You guys interested in a free screening of an upcoming movie?
Leonard: Oh. Sorry, we can’t.
Howard: Well, hang on. What movie is it?
Man: Oh, I can’t tell you. But it does star Will Smith.
Howard: Wait. I bet it’s Suicide Squad. Let’s check it out.
Leonard: What about the girls?
Howard: Penny just said they’re having fun. Honestly, you want to wrap tape around a bunch of pipe fittings all afternoon?
Leonard: Okay, we’ll take ’em. But, I swear, if it’s Will Smith in Shark Tale 2, it better be at least as good as the original.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Penny: I mean, it’s crazy, isn’t it? I moved here from Nebraska to be an actress, and now I’m sitting in an engineering lab at Caltech helping to build a prototype for a high-tech guidance system.
Bernadette: It is crazy. It’s also crazy that I’ve made fourteen of these and you’ve made three.
Raj: Hey. Where are the guys?
Penny: Oh, they went to the store to get solder, which is metal you melt to make science things.
Bernadette: Since when do you work on weekends?
Raj: I’m an astrophysicist. The stars don’t take a day off.
Penny: You were home alone and had no one to play with?
Raj: Well, the cleaning lady was there, but she doesn’t like me. You need any help?
Bernadette: Not with Lightning McQueen here.
Penny: I think we’re good.
Raj: Okay. That’s cool. I guess everybody’s involved in this project but me. So, see ya.
Bernadette: I feel bad. Should we have asked him to stay?
Raj (from outside): Yes.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Amy: Will you please tell me where we’re going?
Sheldon: Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis.
Amy: I’m driving the car. I need to know.
Sheldon: Right.
Amy: So where are we going?
Sheldon: No, I meant turn right, and you missed it. Maybe you do need to know.
Scene: The cinema.
Leonard: What are we gonna tell the girls?
Howard: It’s not a problem.
Leonard: I mean without lying.
Howard: And now you’ve made it a problem.
Leonard: Come on. We’re a couple of smart guys. I’m sure we can come up with a way to explain this that doesn’t make us look bad.
Penny (at Howard’s workshop, reading text): Oh, the boys had to drive all the way to San Bernardino for the solder and got a flat.
Leonard: They bought it.
Howard: But we’re gonna have to put the spare on before we go back.
Leonard: Oh, you’re good at this.
Howard: Well, I lie a lot.
Man: Hey, guys, thank you for being a part of our test screening. You’re about to be one of the first audiences to see Suicide Squad.
Leonard: Hey, you were right.
Howard: Well, I keep telling you, good things happen to bad people.
Man: Uh, we’re gonna get started in a couple minutes. Enjoy.
Leonard: Who are you texting?
Howard: Raj. He really wants to see this movie.
Leonard: He’ll never make it in time.
Howard: I know. I want to make him feel bad.
Leonard: Ha, ha. Leonard and I are about to see Suicide Squad. Spoiler alert, when I see you I’m gonna spoil it. You’re a good friend.
Raj (at the workshop): Okay. Would you ladies please leave the room for a moment?
Penny: Why?
Raj: I need to rub my genitals on their prototype.
Bernadette: What’s going on?
Raj: Leonard and Howard don’t have a flat. They went to the movies. Look.
Penny: Un-freakin’ believable.
Bernadette: Son of a bitch.
Raj: Oh. You know what? I’m gonna let them know that I’m here with you and that they’re busted.
Penny: No. You know what? Don’t. Don’t. Let’s let them think they’re getting away with it.
Bernadette: Yeah, let’s see how deep a hole they can dig for themselves.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Raj: Interesting. I mean, it’s not testicles on a cryostat, but I like it.
Scene: A storage facility.
Amy: Why do you have a storage unit?
Sheldon: Just wait.
Amy: How long have you had it?
Sheldon: Just wait.
Amy: Do you want me to hold that computer?
Sheldon: Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.
Amy: I’m sorry. What, what am I looking at?
Sheldon: It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.
Amy: All of it?
Sheldon: I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.
Amy: Okay. Well, I would like to tell you that there is nothing here to be ashamed of. So I’m gonna need a minute.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Penny: All right, how are we gonna play this when they return?
Raj: I know. You guys should totally be making out with me.
Penny: Sweetie, I know you think jokes like that are funny, but do you really think you could handle making out with both of us?
Raj: No, ma’am.
Bernadette: Okay. Okay, how about this? They don’t know you’re here with us, so you hide in the closet. When they show up, we’ll hear whatever their dumb story is about where they were, we’ll pretend to believe them and just when they think they got away with it, you jump out.
Penny: Yeah, that’s pretty good.
Raj: I love it, I’ll be all like, busted, and they’ll be like, what? And then we’ll all be like, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t make out with me, either.
Scene: The storage unit.
Sheldon: In here is every clock radio I’ve ever owned. Calculators, VHS tapes. Yeah. Oh. Sporting equipment.
Amy: You have sporting equipment?
Sheldon: Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.
Amy: Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones?
Sheldon: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.
Amy: So, why do you feel you need to save these things?
Sheldon: I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…
Amy: Okay. I get it. I get it.
Sheldon: It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.
Amy: I don’t.
Sheldon: Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.
Amy: Why?
Sheldon: Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?
Amy: It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too.
Sheldon: Like what?
Amy: Well, um, did you know I have a microscope slide with a little bit of tissue from the first brain I ever dissected?
Sheldon: I have an old teddy bear I secretly wiped my nose on for years.
Amy: It’s not a contest.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Penny: Okay, here they come.
Bernadette: Go hide.
Raj: Oh, man, when I come out of the closet, I’m gonna nail those guys. Yeah, I heard it. Shut up.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Hi.
Penny: Hey, what’s this?
Leonard: Listen, we did a stupid thing.
Howard: We went to a movie and lied about it, but we feel bad and want to make it up to you.
Leonard: So, these are for you, and if you’re not too mad, we’d love to take you guys to dinner.
Howard: Yeah. Anywhere you want.
Bernadette: Oh. Well, thank you for being honest.
Penny: Yeah. You know, I want to be upset, but we did kind of have fun working on the prototype.
Raj (inside cupboard): Don’t forgive them. Stay mad at them.
Howard: What is he doing in there?
Raj: Busting you.
Bernadette: It’s okay. They apologized.
Penny: Yeah, it’s fine.
Raj: Well this is kind of anti-climactic.
Howard: You know what wasn’t anti-climactic? The end of the movie. Get this.
Raj: No spoilers. No spoilers.
Penny: And he’s back in the closet.
Howard: Ready for dinner?
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: Should we invite Raj?
Raj (in cupboard): Yes.
Scene: The storage unit.
Amy: So, no one else knows about this?
Sheldon: Only you.
Amy: Thank you for trusting me.
Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?
Amy: That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you.
Sheldon: Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.
Amy: Baby steps, I guess.
Sheldon: I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.
Amy: Oh. Okay.
Sheldon: I will always have the dent to remember it by.
Amy: You did it. Do you feel okay?
Sheldon: Actually, yes. I do.
Amy: Well, I’m proud of you.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’m glad I told you about the storage unit.
Amy: Well, I feel closer to you now.
Sheldon: Oh, I feel closer to you, too. You know, it’s still a couple of hours until my bedtime.
Amy: What did you have in mind?
Scene: The same, shortly afterwards.
Sheldon: You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.
Amy (on Skype): I really had to go home for this?
Sheldon: Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room.
Amy: And yet, I’m not.
Sheldon: But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.
Amy: And yet, you can’t.
Sheldon: I know.
Scene: The apartment (initially inside a virtual reality device)
Sheldon: It’s nice to get back to nature. Why don’t I do this more often? What a beautiful forest. Hello, little butterfly. What’s your Na-oh!
Leonard: Whatcha doing?
Sheldon: I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face.
Penny: What am I smelling?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.
Penny: That’s not what the forest smells like.
Sheldon: Well, how would I know?
Leonard: Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it.
Sheldon: Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.
Leonard: Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there.
Sheldon: Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.
Penny: Okay, if that’s true, why aren’t there more genius squirrels?
Sheldon: You may need this more than I do.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Here’s your tea.
Sheldon: Oh. Do not sneak up on a guy when he’s sitting on a log.
Amy: You know, if you really want to be in nature, why don’t we rent a cabin?
Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry, when did you even get here? I…
Penny: You know, there’s a cabin in Big Bear that a doctor I work with keeps offering me.
Leonard: Because he’s hitting on you?
Penny: She.
Leonard: Oh, good.
Penny: But I could get her.
Amy: We could all go for the weekend. It’ll be fun.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Here, look up fun, get back to me.
Leonard: You and I could still go and have a nice weekend.
Penny: Sure.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go with them.
Sheldon: I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars.
Penny: I’ll see if it’s available.
Amy: You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.
Sheldon: Are you trying to manipulate me?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Well done, it worked, we’re going.
Amy: Yay.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Come on, Raj, give me a bag.
Raj: No, no, you’re pregnant. The only thing you carry is our hope for a better tomorrow.
Howard: Hey, where you been?
Bernadette: Uh, Raj took me to the baby doctor and then we swung by the grocery store.
Howard: Did you get graham crackers? I mean, are, wuh, is the baby okay?
Bernadette: Yes and yes.
Howard: I didn’t know you needed help running errands today.
Bernadette: I didn’t, but Raj volunteered.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Yeah, ever since you told him I was pregnant, he’s really been making a fuss over me.
Howard: Oh. Well, I guess that’s kind of sweet.
Raj: Bernie, I just forwarded you a list of the top five lactation consultants in Los Angeles. I know my favourite, but I’d love to hear what you think.
Howard: And it just got weird.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey. Amy’s downstairs.
Leonard: Okay, one sec.
Penny: Uh, what, what you got goin’ on here?
Leonard: I bought a baseball cap.
Penny: I can see that. What team did you get?
Leonard: Uh, Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter.
Penny: Well, we’ll be in the woods.
Sheldon: I’m ready to go.
Leonard: Anything you’d like to say to him?
Penny: Nice hat, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Leonard: Why are you so mean to me?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen. Screams are emanating from Bernadette’s tablet.
Howard: What the hell are you watching?
Bernadette: Raj found all these childbirth videos online. This one is of a woman giving birth in a river.
Howard: Okay, that is the least Jewish thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You feel like Raj is getting a little carried away with all the baby stuff?
Bernadette: I don’t think so. He just wants to be part of the experience.
Howard: All right, if you say so. What’s in the box?
Bernadette: Oh, it’s an ultrasonic microphone so we can hear the baby’s heartbeat.
Howard: Oh. That’s cool. Can we try it?
Bernadette: Actually, Raj ordered it. He made me promise to wait till he was here.
Howard: So he can be part of the experience?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: I’m surprised he let us conceive without him.
Bernadette: It’s a sore spot, don’t bring it up.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Penny: It’s so cute and rustic up here.
Leonard: I know. Did you see they still have a video rental place? it’s like Colonial Williamsburg.
Sheldon: Well, cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now’s the time.
Amy: Have you ever been off the grid before?
Sheldon: Once. The battery ran out on my phone. I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.
Leonard: I was afraid he was gonna eat me.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Raj just pulled up. I’m gonna say something to him.
Bernadette: Leave it alone. He means well.
Howard: So you don’t think he needs to rein it in a little?
Bernadette: No, not really.
Howard: And you’re not concerned he’s acting like somehow this is his kid, too?
Bernadette: He’s just trying to be supportive.
Howard: Just supportive. Not over-the-top in any way?
Bernadette: No.
Raj: Hello.
Bernadette: You saw him carrying that.
Howard: Astronauts saw him carrying that.
Scene: The cabin.
Penny: This place is great.
Leonard: So nice of that doctor to just let you use it.
Penny: Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?
Amy: Sheldon, all we did was walk in from the car.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, suit yourself. Who wants to check me?
Amy: On the other hand, safety first.
Scene: The same, later.
Amy: Wow, it’s really coming down.
Penny: This sucks.
Leonard: And there goes our hike.
Sheldon: Oh, not our hike, now we have to stay safe and warm.
Penny: You know, we could still go. A little rain isn’t gonna kill us.
Leonard: Have you been outside in the rain with Sheldon?
Penny: No.
Leonard: You’ll wish it would kill you.
Amy: So what do we do now?
Leonard: They have some board games.
Sheldon: Eh, most of the Jenga pieces are missing and the Scrabble only has seven tiles, so unless you want to build an unimpressive structure with the word shnerpf next to it, move on.
Penny: Hey, let’s light a fire.
Amy: Ooh, that sounds cozy.
Leonard: I don’t think I’ve lit a real fire before.
Sheldon: Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.
Leonard: I could stack the logs conically to facilitate airflow.
Sheldon: That would maximize oxygen for optimal combustion.
Leonard: Right. So all we need is to…
Penny: Got it.
Leonard: A scientist made that.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: Look, Raj, you’re my best friend in the world and I really appreciate your enthusiasm about the baby.
Raj: Please, my pleasure.
Bernadette: And, of course, Howie and I both want you to be a part of all this.
Howard: But we have to set some boundaries.
Raj: I don’t understand.
Howard: The three of us aren’t having this baby. Just the two of us.
Howard: Oh. Okay. Yeah, I get it. I’ll back off.
Howard: Thanks for understanding.
Raj: Of course. I’ll give you guys some space. Let me just get this out of your way.
Howard: You need some help?
Raj: No, I got it.
Bernadette: Raj, Raj, wait.
Raj: Please, Bernadette. Let me leave with my dignity.
Scene: The cabin.
Penny: Hey, you guys want to play a drinking game?
Sheldon: Oh, well now, we’ll never win. You always play the drinking game.
Penny: Not the drinking game, a drinking game.
Leonard: To be fair, good at both.
Amy: What’s the game?
Penny: All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.
Leonard: I’ve never played that before.
Sheldon: Hey, now, wait. Have we started? Do I drink? What is happening?
Penny: Okay. Calm down. I’ll go first. All right, let’s see. Never have I ever…
Amy: She’s trying to think of something she’s never done before. This could take a while.
Penny: Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.
Leonard: Okay, I’ll go. Never have I ever been arrested.
Sheldon: So I drink.
Amy: No, it’s only if you’ve done it.
Sheldon: Got it.
Amy: I can’t believe you’ve been arrested.
Sheldon: I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.
Penny: Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not proud of it, but I jaywalked.
Leonard: Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.
Amy: I’m surprised you would do that.
Sheldon: No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.
Penny: What, he arrested you for that?
Sheldon: No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.
Penny: And then you got arrested.
Sheldon: Oh, and how.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: I feel like I just made a horrible mistake.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: But on the other hand, I didn’t kick him out of our lives. I just asked him to back off a little.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: What? Are you gonna cry?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: Is it baby hormones or actually sad?
Bernadette: I can’t tell anymore.
Howard: I’ll go get him.
Bernadette: And bring back the bear.
Scene: The cabin.
Leonard: This game’s dangerous. I could get you in trouble.
Penny: How?
Leonard: Well, never have I ever used Sheldon’s toothbrush to clean the sink.
Penny: Fine, is that how you want to play this? All right, never have I ever come up with a nickname for my own genitals.
Leonard: Never should’ve told you about Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Amy: Okay. My turn. Um, never have I ever completely rocked my girlfriend’s world in bed.
Sheldon: Amy.
Amy: You know the rules. Drink.
Penny: Yeah, go ahead.
Leonard: That’s right.
Sheldon: All right, my turn. Mm. Oh, I know. Never have I ever kept a secret bank account, because I think my wife can’t handle money. Did I win? I feel like I won.
Penny: I can’t believe this. You realize I make more money than you?
Leonard: I don’t, I know, but this isn’t a big deal. It’s just a little savings I put aside.
Penny: We’re married. We’re supposed to share everything.
Leonard: What, you mean, like, your massive credit card debt?
Sheldon: I’m calling it. I won.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: I appreciate the apology, but it’s really not necessary. I overstepped my bounds.
Howard: No, Raj, you’ve been great. I just, I need to start doing my part around here.
Bernadette: I hear that.
Raj: Well, if that’s the case, is there anything I can do to help?
Howard: Well, not right now. But we could try out that microphone you got us, and listen to the baby’s heartbeat.
Raj: Really? It’s okay if I listen with you?
Bernadette: Of course.
Raj: Can I squirt the ultrasound jelly on your stomach?
Howard: Hey, look at that. It’s weird again.
Scene: The cabin.
Leonard: Okay, you have every right to be mad. And what you said is true. You do make more money than me. So I had no right to do what I did. And I’m so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
Penny: How long have you had this secret account?
Leonard: A couple years, but I just put a few bucks aside every month for emergencies.
Penny: Well, how much you got in there?
Leonard: Six thousand four hundred and twenty seven dollars. Forty seven dollars once my nana’s birthday check gets here.
Penny: My God, Leonard, do you know what I could do with that kind of money?
Leonard: No, I do, and that’s why I hid it.
Penny: What good is it if you don’t use it?
Leonard: Uh, you have shoes you love, but never wear. I have money I love, but never spend. We’re kind of a cute couple that way. Again, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept it a secret.
Penny: Well, I have a secret I’ve been keeping from you, too.
Leonard: Is it a secret bank account? Because that would be awesome.
Penny: I hate my job.
Leonard: Really? Why?
Penny: Because I don’t feel good flirting with doctors for sales. I mean, I know I make a lot of money. But I haven’t been happy for a while.
Leonard: Why didn’t you tell me?
Penny: Because I know how important it is to you that I’m having some success.
Leonard: That’s not true.
Penny: Okay, really? So you’d be fine if I went back to acting and waiting tables again?
Leonard: If that’s what you want to do, yes.
Penny: Well, it’s not what I want to do.
Leonard: Oh, yes.
Penny: Doesn’t matter what I want. Look, this job is gonna get me out of debt. So I’m gonna do the grown-up thing and see it through.
Leonard: Well, that is the grown-up thing.
Penny: I guess.
Leonard: I love you.
Penny: I love you, too.
Leonard: You know, never have I ever made love in the forest while it was raining.
Penny: Well, guess I gotta drink.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Howard: All right, here we go.
Bernadette: I’m not hearing anything.
Howard: Well, give me a second.
Raj: Are you sure you can do this?
Howard: Hey, who found four dollars and change on the beach with his metal detector?
Raj: I buried it there, so we could go home.
Bernadette: Wait, that’s it.
Raj: Wow.
Bernadette: Isn’t that the best?
Raj: You guys made a person.
Howard: We did.
Raj: And I like to think I helped.
Howard: You didn’t.
Scene: The cabin.
Sheldon: Oh, never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.
Amy: Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment.
Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.
Amy: Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.
Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.
Amy: Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
Sheldon: Oh. Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
Amy: Well, we all have a past.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: I have a question about Batman. Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat. Man-bat is a part man, part bat hybrid. Now, if Man-Bat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be Man-Batman?
Leonard: No, he’d be Bat-Man-Bat.
Raj: But wouldn’t Man-Batman just be a Batman that was bitten by a radioactive man?
Howard: But Batman is a man. You’re talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That’s just Man-Man.
Sheldon: Well, isn’t Man-Man just Man?
Leonard: But what if Man-Man dressed as a bat?
Raj: Well, that’s just Batman.
Leonard: No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.
Howard: So does that answer your question?
Sheldon: Oh, I haven’t asked it yet.
Raj (checking text on phone): Oh, that’s Claire. Got to run.
Leonard: I thought you were back with Emily.
Raj: Uh, actually I’m seeing both of them.
Leonard: You mean like through their window from behind a bush?
Raj: No, I’m actually dating two women. Later.
Leonard: Really? The guy who for years couldn’t even talk to women is suddenly going out with two of them? How is that possible?
Howard: I know. Scientists have tried to reproduce it with computational models, but, in each case, the world blows up.
Leonard: Seriously, that guy’s dating two women?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: What, why did you get a party sub?
Leonard: People are coming over, it looked fun.
Sheldon: Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party.
Leonard: Your attendance implies it’s not.
Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, we don’t need a meeting every three months.
Sheldon: Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.
Leonard: Oh, you know what? I’m not going.
Sheldon: Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.
Leonard: This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure.
Sheldon: You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.
Leonard: You’re the only one who eats them.
Sheldon: And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?
Leonard: I’m not going, you can’t make me.
Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see about that.
Penny: What is the problem?
Sheldon: He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow.
Penny: Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge?
Leonard: You have fun. I will not be attending.
Sheldon: Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.
Leonard: You’re being ridiculous.
Sheldon: There’s a motion on the floor, I’m ridiculous. Do we have a second? Hmm? Hmm? There is no second. The motion is denied. Next time, make sure you have the votes first. That was embarrassing.
Leonard: Can you please talk to him?
Penny: Well, why are you fighting him on this?
Leonard: Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.
Penny: Well, I will still come to your meeting.
Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. Tomorrow’s picture day.
Leonard: Why are you taking his side?
Penny: Because it’s important to him, and when we signed the roommate agreement, we made a deal.
Sheldon: You keep talking like that, you’re gonna make colour guard.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: Man, I’m worn out.
Howard: I know. Imagine if we were actually moving.
Raj: No, it’s just, ever since I started dating Claire and Emily at the same time, it’s exhausting.
Howard: You’re exhausted? Try folding every five pages in a pregnancy book so your wife thinks you read it.
Raj: But, dude, you’re so lucky. Getting to stay home at night with the woman you love.
Howard: I guess I am lucky.
Raj: You are, because dating two women, I mean, I can’t even remember the last time I slept in my own apartment. I wake up and I’m like, am I at Claire’s or am I at Emily’s? Is there a third girl I’ve forgotten about? Like, where am I?
Bernadette: Hey, Raj.
Raj: Hey, how’s the mommy-to-be?
Bernadette: Good. A little tired.
Raj: I feel you. I’ve been dating multiple women.
Howard: You sure you don’t want to come watch Game of Thrones with us?
Bernadette: You guys have fun. I’m just gonna snuggle up in bed with a book.
Raj: Oh, that sounds great, a bed to yourself. Can’t even remember what that’s like.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Are you up-to-date on Game of Thrones?
Penny: Mm, I think so. Dragons, snow zombies, and all the hot guys are dead.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. Theon Greyjoy looks pretty good for a guy who had his genitals cut off.
Penny: Uh-oh, somebody’s still pouting.
Leonard: Leave me alone.
Penny: If it’s because you lost a stick, I know where it went.
Leonard: Not funny.
Penny: You know you’re gonna make up with him. Can we just skip to that part?
Leonard: Oh, of course, because I’m the only adult around here.
Penny: Really? The only adult?
Leonard: Yeah, that’s right.
Sheldon: Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster.
Penny: All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.
Leonard: And I’d think you’d understand why I’m annoyed.
Sheldon: All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.
Leonard: I don’t want to.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting.
Leonard: Stop saying meeting.
Sheldon: Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.
Amy: I brought my famous spinach dip.
Sheldon: Yeah, Amy, just one second. Meeting.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Howard: I’m not sure if I’m hoping for a boy or a girl. I mean, if it’s a boy, I’m gonna have to teach him to play catch. Which means I’m gonna have to google how to play catch. If it’s a girl, I mean, they’re so innocent and you know how guys are.
Raj: Totally, guys are the worst. I mean, look at me. I let Emily make me a frittata and I kept the leftovers in Claire’s fridge that night. I’m such a dog.
Howard: There you go again.
Raj: I’m sorry, have I been complaining about it too much?
Howard: Actually, what you’re doing is pretending to complain, but really trying to brag.
Raj: How could you say that?
Howard: Oh, I wish could enjoy a cup of tea without a naked girl bouncing up and down on me.
Raj: I never said that.
Howard: Don’t you hate it when you can’t remember whose bra it is you found wedged in your couch?
Raj: Okay, that I said. But that’s a real problem. You give a girl another woman’s bra, and you will not be having sex with her that night. Maybe the other girl, but not her.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: What’s going on with him?
Penny: Oh, he’s all bent out of shape about having a roommate agreement meeting.
Sheldon: Apparently, perfect attendance isn’t cool any more.
Penny: Don’t worry, he’ll come around.
Amy: Well, I get why he’s annoyed.
Sheldon: Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.
Leonard: You love The Simpsons.
Sheldon: I love Lisa Simpson.
Amy: Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings.
Sheldon: Wait. You were pretending?
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: No. I don’t believe you. I could tell.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon, I never thought re-filing a matter in a standing subcommittee could be so fascinating.
Sheldon: Hmm, what do you think?
Penny: You don’t know?
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: Hey, did I say something to upset you?
Howard: No, I’m fine.
Raj: Really? Because usually we walk side by side, and I just went up two flights of stairs staring at your bottom.
Howard: Just drop it.
Raj: Okay, I think I see what’s happening here. You’re jealous of me.
Howard: Oh, please. What could you possibly have that I would be jealous of?
Raj: It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, we’ll watch Game of Thrones over here.
Sheldon: Gladly.
Leonard: Oh, good, go. You know, it’ll be nice to watch an episode without someone saying, I read the books, don’t get too fond of this character.
Sheldon: It’s not always because they die. In one case, it’s because they’ve become involved with underground tree people from the dawn of time. Yeah, but I won’t say who it is. It’s Brann.
Howard: Wait, what is going on?
Penny: Leonard’s being a jerk, so we’re gonna watch over here.
Amy: Do you guys want to watch with us?
Howard: As long as I don’t have to watch with him.
Raj: Fine, I don’t want to watch with you either. I’ll go over here.
Howard: Why do you get to pick?
Raj: Okay, then you go there.
Howard: Don’t tell me where to go.
Leonard: Howard, just come in here.
Penny: Yeah, come on, Raj.
Raj: Wait, did Amy make her spinach dip?
Sheldon: She did.
Howard: And I’m gonna eat it all.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So what the hell happened?
Leonard: Oh, I just ran out of patience with Sheldon’s nonsense.
Howard: Tell me about it. I’ve had it with Raj, too.
Amy: You know, like women, men have a monthly hormone cycle. Dips in testosterone can cause irritability.
Howard: Interesting. Maybe my male cycle synced up with Raj’s actual period.
Leonard: If Sheldon’s testosterone dipped, he’d become a butterfly. (Knock on door) Oh. Maybe someone’s here to apologize.
Stuart: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Stuart.
Stuart: Uh, is this not a dress-up party?
Leonard: No.
Stuart: Was it ever a dress-up party?
Leonard: No.
Stuart: Howard, didn’t you tell me it was a dress-up party?
Howard: Yeah.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Knock on door.
Stuart: I was told this is where to go if I’m mad at Howard.
Penny: May I take your cloak?
Stuart: Thanks. This thing kept getting caught in the chain of my bike.
Sheldon: Well, I’ll catch you up. Uh, Penny is angry at Leonard, Leonard’s angry at me and Penny, I’m angry at Leonard and Amy, Raj is angry at Howard, and I’m angry at George R.R. Martin ’cause there are no new books for me to spoil for Leonard.
Stuart: So what happened with you and Howard?
Raj: Says I was talking too much about dating Claire and Emily, and I accused him of being jealous.
Stuart: I’m jealous. Closest I’ve come to dating two women was that time I dated one woman.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I don’t know how you put up with it. He’s impossible. I mean, holding a meeting to decide what breakfast cereal we should buy.
Howard: Yeah. Cap’n Crunch with Crunch Berries, move on.
Leonard: Anyway, Amy, thank you for sticking up for me.
Amy: Oh, I honestly couldn’t care less.
Leonard: Sorry?
Amy: Well, I just took your side ’cause sometimes I get annoyed at how close Sheldon and Penny are.
Leonard: Well, they argue all the time. They aren’t that close.
Amy: Who’s always comforting him when he’s upset?
Leonard: Penny, but…
Amy: Who’s the only one who can make him take his medicine when he’s sick?
Leonard: I try to hide it in his peanut butter, but he spits it out.
Amy: Okay. And did you know she has him add things to the roommate agreement so she can get her way and not fight with you about it?
Leonard: Son of a bitch. Why is that funny?
Howard: I don’t know. I like the pain of others.
Leonard: Oh, well, then you’ll enjoy this. Bernadette does the same thing with you and Koothrappali.
Howard: No, she doesn’t.
Leonard: She defends him all the time.
Howard: She does not.
Amy: Who told you to stop making all those Gandhi jokes about him?
Howard: Well, she did. And human resources.
Leonard: Who do you think told Koothrappali to go to human resources?
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Leonard: You’re, you’re right, it feels good.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: All right, it’s almost game time. Get it? Game of Thrones, game time?
Stuart: Two women, huh?
Sheldon (at knock on door): Oh, perhaps it’s Amy coming to her senses.
Penny: What’s up?
Leonard: You know, you don’t need to use Sheldon to get your way with me in a dumb roommate agreement.
Penny: Where’d you get that from?
Leonard: From Amy.
Penny: Ugh. Amy, why did you tell him that?
Amy: Because you were defending Sheldon like you always do.
Penny: I don’t always defend Sheldon.
Leonard: Oh, yes, you do. You know you have a weird brother-sister-Elliott-E.T. relationship with him.
Penny: What about your weird relationship with him?
Leonard: That’s different. I’m like the little girl in Poltergeist and he’s the creepy thing in the TV.
Howard: Um, guys? Were there any nuts in that food?
Leonard: I don’t think so. Why?
Howard: Well just a feeling.
Scene: A hospital waiting room.
Leonard: It just said Italian sub. I had no idea mortadella has pistachios in it.
Sheldon: Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: I didn’t say fun fact. I’m not a monster.
Bernadette: He’s gonna be okay.
Sheldon: Now it’s a fun fact.
Stuart: Boy, stuff like this really puts things in perspective.
Bernadette: Why are you dressed like that?
Stuart: Oh, uh, Howard thought it’d be funny to tell me it was a costume party.
Bernadette: That wasn’t nice.
Stuart: No, but he almost died, so we’re cool.
Raj: You know, if you think about it, tonight was kind of like a real-life Game of Thrones.
Amy: How?
Raj: Well, Howard eating that pistachio was like when King Joffrey got poisoned.
Penny: Okay, well, that was murder, this was an accident.
Raj: Okay. But you using Sheldon to do your dirty work is like when Cersei used the King’s Guard to do her bidding.
Sheldon: Cersei uses her body to manipulate men. Penny just takes me to The LEGO Store.
Raj: Okay. Oh, how about this? Stuart’s dressed like a brother of the Night’s Watch, and they don’t have sex.
Penny: There you go.
Leonard: That’s true.
Sheldon: Fair enough.
Howard: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Bernadette: You all right?
Howard: I’m fine. Just a little embarrassed I had to be carried down the stairs like a baby. Thanks.
Leonard: Let’s get out of here.
Amy: That was scary.
Sheldon: Well, the important thing is I said that big sandwich would ruin everything, and I was right.
Scene: The street.
Raj (shouting from upstairs window): Hey, Jon Snow. How come your horse has a basket on it?
Stuart: How come your head has your face on it?
Sheldon: They don’t wear bicycle helmets in Game of Thrones. You’re thematically inaccurate, but I applaud your commitment to safety.
Stuart: Don’t you guys have anything better to do?
Leonard: Better than watching a guy in a fur cloak ride a girl’s bike? Nope.
Stuart: That’s it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store. Horse has a basket on it. Stupid… aaargh!
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I never got to ask my question about Batman.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?
Penny: Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Man-Bat suit?
Sheldon: I’ll be back.
Scene: The apartment
Penny: Oh, hey, if you guys are free this weekend, I won a night of wine tasting from work.
Leonard: That sounds fun.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Leonard: How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do?
Howard: ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies.
Sheldon: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.
Amy: But you always say that you want to win a Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: I also say don’t contradict me in front of my friends, but that you don’t remember.
Penny: All right, well, let me know if you guys want to go.
Raj: I would love to. I do enjoy the complexity of an aged Pinot noir.
Leonard: I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.
Amy: Well, it sounds like a nice night. We should go.
Sheldon: Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.
Amy: Well, I’m going. You couldn’t stop me from getting a massage at the mall, and you’re not stopping me now.
Sheldon: I shouldn’t have to see my girlfriend get groped in public by another man.
Amy: And I shouldn’t have to see my boyfriend riding on a train for children around the mall.
Penny: The little choo-choo for toddlers?
Amy: And now you know why I needed the massage.
Howard: Well, we’re out. Bernie can’t drink ’cause she’s pregnant. And she’s pregnant because we had sex. And we had sex because, well, come on.
Bernadette: It’s okay, you should go.
Howard: You sure?
Bernadette: Of course.
Penny: Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on.
Sheldon: Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.
Bernadette: Me? How? Why?
Sheldon: Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.
Bernadette: Gee, Sheldon, I don’t know.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to.
Leonard: The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.
Bernadette: I guess we could give it a try.
Sheldon: Well, little lady, you’ve heard of party hearty, get ready to party hardly.
Howard: I bet you’d like a drink right now.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s workshop
Raj: Hey, you think it’d be okay if I brought Claire to the wine tasting?
Leonard: Sure. I’d like to meet her.
Raj: Oh, that’s great. I’ve been wanting her to meet you guys, too, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.
Sheldon: Oh, but I won’t be there.
Raj: Funny how that worked out.
Leonard: Does this mean Emily’s not in the picture anymore?
Raj: No, I’m still dating her.
Leonard: Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?
Raj: They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions.
Sheldon: You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.
Leonard: Who’s Frank and Alicia?
Sheldon: You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?
Howard: Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready.
Sheldon: I am going to record this for posterity.
Leonard: All right, here goes nothing.
Sheldon: Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?
Leonard: Fine. Preliminary trial of the infinite persistence gyroscopic navigational system, phase one commencing.
Sheldon: Eh, maybe it’s your voice. I’m gonna see if I can get James Earl Jones to do it in post.
Raj: It’s, it’s beautiful.
Howard: Actually, it’s making me dizzy.
Leonard: Good, it’s not just me.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Claire (on phone): Hello.
Raj: Hey, Claire.
Claire: Hey, what’s up?
Raj: Hi, yeah. Um, I was wondering, if you’re free Saturday night, all my friends are going to a wine tasting.
Claire: Sure, I guess. If you don’t think meeting your friends is too big a step.
Raj: Why would it be too big a step?
Claire: I don’t know. I just don’t want things to get weird.
Raj: Nothing to worry about. People meet people all the time, and it isn’t weird. I met Bon Jovi once, which you’d think might be weird. Turns out, total sweetheart.
Claire: Okay, but you and I have been keeping things casual. Uh, will you introduce me as your friend or as your girlfriend? What if I like them and they don’t like me? What if they like me and I don’t like them?
Raj: Boy, it wasn’t this hard with Bon Jovi. I said you rock, he said, thanks, man, and that was that.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, you ready to go?
Leonard: Hang on.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, I found a scratch-and-sniff book about wine tasting. It teaches the different flavour notes to look for.
Penny: You actually smell the wine?
Leonard: I mostly just smell my nasal spray.
Penny: Are your sinuses acting up?
Leonard: Since my preschool got a bunny.
Penny: Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight?
Sheldon: Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.
Penny: Oh, good for you.
Sheldon: Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.
Penny: No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it.
Sheldon: Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.
Leonard: Okay, have fun.
Sheldon: Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.
Leonard: We’re leaving now!
Sheldon: Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.
Penny: Okay, we’re leaving, love you, bye.
Sheldon: Boy, do I love restrictions.
Scene: The wine tasting.
Howard: Hey. Where is everybody?
Amy: Oh, we’re the first ones here.
Howard: Oh. Cool.
Amy: Yeah. Cool.
Howard: You know, I don’t remember the last time it was just you and me hanging out.
Amy: Oh, I do. It was three years ago.
Howard: Oh, yeah, and we said we should do it more often. And, and, and, and, and here we are.
Amy: So, Sheldon and Bernadette are hanging out.
Howard: I know. What are they gonna talk about?
Amy: I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Oh, good.
Amy: Oh, thank God.
Penny: You guys been here long?
Howard: No, two minutes.
Amy: But yes.
Howard: Where’s Claire?
Raj: Oh, she’s meeting us here. Hey, guys, do me a favour and don’t ask too many questions about the relationship. We’re just keeping it casual.
Leonard: Oh, so I shouldn’t ask her how she feels about being a member of your harem?
Raj: Yeah, I know you’re teasing, but watch out for karma.
Amy: Hey, Penny, isn’t that your old boyfriend Zack?
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Amy: Are you gonna say hi to him?
Penny: Uh, I don’t know.
Raj: Hey, while you decide, who was better in bed, big hot Zack or wheezy little Leonard? Neener neener.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: I brought sparkling cider.
Sheldon: Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.
Bernadette: So what do you want to do tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.
Bernadette: There’s more than one?
Sheldon: You’ve heard of French toast?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Sheldon: Cinnamon toast?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Sheldon: Melba toast?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Sheldon: You get where I’m going here?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Scene: The wine tasting.
Amy: I’m getting an earthy note.
Penny: Ah, there’s definitely some oak.
Raj: Also, uh, cherries?
Leonard: I smell nothing.
Howard: Really? Nothing?
Leonard: Just a whole lot of Afrin.
Zack: Penny?
Penny: Oh. Zack, hi. You guys remember Zack.
Howard: Yeah, hey, buddy.
Amy: Hello.
Raj: Hey.
Zack: Hey, did you two get married?
Penny: We did.
Leonard: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Zack: To each other?
Penny: Yes.
Zack: Cool. ‘Cause other than when you broke up with him and dated me, then broke up with me, and then dated me one more time before going back to him, I was always rooting for you two.
Leonard: Thanks.
Zack: So how’s the science world? What are you guys up to?
Howard: We’ve actually been working on a prototype for a navigation system we invented.
Leonard: But we won’t bore you with the details.
Zack: Are you kidding? I love science. Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Mike deGrasse Tyson.
Amy: Mike deGrasse Tyson?
Howard: Yeah, you know, the boxer who grew a moustache and became a scientist.
Zack: So what’s your invention?
Howard: Well, we’re using quantum vortices to replace gyroscopes in guidance systems.
Leonard: What’s neat is that they can maintain angular momentum indefinitely.
Zack: Angular momentum. I was wondering about that.
Howard: You could put it in a satellite or a rocket, and it’ll run forever.
Zack: Cool. Could it be used for missiles and war stuff?
Howard: Yeah, but we didn’t create it for weapons.
Leonard: And I doubt the military would be interested in our little guidance system.
Zack: Is it better than the one they use now?
Howard: A lot.
Leonard: Way better.
Zack: Huh. You sure you guys are smart?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: H-O gauge trains are 1/87th scale. N gauge are 1/160th scale. And that brings us to Z gauge, at a, you could easily swallow it, don’t ask how I know, 1 to 220.
Bernadette: I’m sorry, I have to ask.
Sheldon: When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.
Bernadette: What is it about trains that you like so much?
Sheldon: What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.
Bernadette: That’s lovely, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, other than when they’re chugging through your bowels, these things are magic.
Scene: The wine tasting.
Leonard: I have to admit, I’ve been worried about the military applications since we started talking about this.
Howard: Me, too.
Leonard: Why didn’t you say something?
Howard: Same reason I don’t talk about ass cancer. It’s not a pleasant topic.
Raj: You can’t let this stop you. Almost any scientific advancement can be used for destructive purposes.
Amy: It’s true. Even Einstein’s theory of relativity was later applied to the development of nuclear weapons.
Penny: E equals MC squared. Yeah. E is for energy, M for mass, and C for the speed of light.
Amy: How do you know that?
Penny: Oh, Leonard mumbles it when he wants sex to last longer.
Claire: Hey, Raj.
Raj: Hey, Claire. Good, you’re here. Guys, this is my friend Claire. We’re casually dating, and there’s no need for any further questions about it.
Leonard: Would you like a glass of wine?
Raj: I said no questions.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And last but not least, this is one that I like to call Star Wars Toast because it has a light side and a dark side. All righty, it’s time for Dungeons & Dragons.
Bernadette: Dungeons & Dragons? That sounds about right.
Sheldon: You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you.
Bernadette: Okay, but just for a little bit.
Sheldon: Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.
Bernadette: All right.
Sheldon: Ready?
Bernadette: You bet.
Sheldon: Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.
Bernadette: Oh. I like the idea of being tall.
Sheldon: I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.
Bernadette: This is getting fun. What’s next?
Sheldon: You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.
Bernadette: Oh, I haven’t had a drink in months.
Sheldon: What do you do?
Bernadette: I storm in, slam my sword down, and say, barkeep, bring me the strongest ale you have and serve it in the skull of a goblin.
Sheldon: He wants to see I.D.
Scene: The wine tasting.
Amy: So, Claire, we’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.
Claire: Really? Like what?
Amy: Uh, mostly Penny’s heard them.
Zack: Boy, you get some dirty looks over there when you ask for ice.
Raj: Zack, this is my friend Claire.
Zack: You’re hot. You seeing anybody?
Raj: Uh, she’s seeing me.
Zack: Why’d you say she’s your friend?
Raj: We’re just keeping it casual.
Zack: Why is he being casual with you? You seem great.
Claire: I don’t know. Ask him.
Zack: Why are you being casual with her? She seems great.
Scene: The toilets.
Leonard: Maybe we should take a step back.
Howard: Take a step back? I’m not a young man any more.
Leonard: No, I mean re-evaluate what we’re doing with the guidance system.
Howard: But I got a baby on the way. I got to make some money.
Leonard: What good is money gonna do if we inadvertently bring about Armageddon?
Howard: Okay, let me stop you right there. We absolutely know our invention will not be used to destroy the world.
Leonard: How?
Howard: Because no one from the future has come back to kill us.
Leonard: Very funny.
Howard: You got something better?
Leonard: Well, not really.
Howard: Okay, then. Geez, how much wine did you drink?
Leonard: Not a lot. I just couldn’t start until you walked away.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: The Hell Prawn lunges out of the hot spring. You block it with your shield. Do you attack?
Bernadette: Does it have eyes?
Sheldon: Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling.
Bernadette: I stab it in the middle eye.
Sheldon: Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.
Bernadette: Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn.
Sheldon: Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.
Bernadette: Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought.
Sheldon: Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.
Bernadette: Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight.
Sheldon: I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.
Bernadette: Well, thanks again.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.
Bernadette: I might just take you up on that.
Sheldon: Well, mind you now, that offer’s only good until the third trimester. I can’t risk getting amniotic fluid on my spot.
Scene: The wine tasting.
Raj: Hey, dude, you’re killing me with Claire.
Zack: What are you talking about?
Raj: I mean, come on, look at you. You’re classically handsome, you’ve got a swimmer’s body. Next to you, I look like me.
Zack: Oh, man, I didn’t mean to do that. But I do appreciate you recognizing my swimmer’s body. Which, incidentally, I got from playing Marco Polo at the YMCA.
Raj: Yeah, okay, just do me a favour and stop talking about how great Claire is.
Zack: Anything for you, my little foreign friend.
Claire: So, I got to ask, does Raj bring around other girls?
Penny: Uh, you know, I’m not really around that much. Amy knows much more than I do.
Leonard: I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Raj is a terrific guy, loyal to a fault.
Howard: Yeah. He still has an AOL address.
Zack: I see what you’re saying. She’s not so great.
Raj: Don’t listen to him. He says crazy things all the time. Uh, watch. Marco.
Zack: Polo.
Raj: So, uh, what are you guys talking about?
Claire: Your friends were just telling me about all the other girls you’re dating.
Raj: Why would you do that? I specifically asked you not to do that.
Penny: We didn’t.
Amy: You just did.
Zack: Wow. Maybe none of you guys are smart.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Morning.
Sheldon: Morning.
Leonard: Ugh. Too much wine.
Sheldon: Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.
Leonard: Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: Does it bother you?
Sheldon: No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.
Leonard: Who are these people?
Sheldon: Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Helium.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Taylor Swift.
Penny: Yes. Pi.
Sheldon: Yes. Kardashian.
Penny: More specific.
Sheldon: Khloe?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe.
Penny: Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?
Leonard: What are you guys doing?
Sheldon: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Leonard: Oh, let me try.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Hmm, atom of hydrogen, Adam of Maroon 5, mic drop.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, who is Mike Drop?
Leonard: Oh, hey, Penny, do you want to go to the airport with me later to pick up my mother?
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Thanks.
Penny: No problem.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go?
Sheldon: Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?
Leonard: Well, I can do without the 40-minute car ride where she criticizes every aspect of my life.
Sheldon: She can cover it in a car ride? I could do 40 minutes on your posture alone.
Penny: You really want me to pick up your mother all by myself?
Leonard: Hmm, I just feel like it would be a good chance for you to bond.
Penny: Or a way for you to avoid her?
Leonard: I don’t know what he’s putting on those cards, but you are smarter than ever.
Penny: Fine, if you really want me to, I will pick your mom up.
Leonard: Seriously?
Penny: Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.
Leonard: That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah.
Sheldon: All right, back to learning.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Penny: Or as I know him?
Sheldon: Creepy old dude from Dancing with the Stars.
Penny: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Did you guys see there’s an Avengers screening? Joss Whedon’s gonna show some deleted scenes and do a question and answer session.
Sheldon: Oh, well, I have a few questions for him about the last Avengers movie, and a whole lot of answers.
Leonard: When’s the screening?
Raj: Uh, it’s tonight, but it’s first-come, first-served, so we should probably get there early and wait in line.
Howard: Let’s do it.
Leonard: Penny’s busy with my mother, so I’m in.
Sheldon: Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go.
Leonard: You do realize we’re allowed to have fun without you?
Howard: In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?
Raj: Uh, I’d say by three.
Sheldon: You’re really going without me?
Leonard: It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you.
Sheldon: You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.
Leonard: People do it all the time.
Sheldon: You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Howard: If you really care that much, there are apps now that’ll let you hire people to do stuff like errands and wait in lines.
Stuart: People are actually waiting in lines as a job? Boy, makes me feel better about my life.
Howard: Some of these guys make over $20 an hour.
Stuart: And now I feel worse again.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Beverly: I’m not surprised Leonard chose to avoid picking me up. He’s battled intimacy issues his whole life. Does he have difficulty maintaining erections?
Penny: Wow. Didn’t even make it out of the parking lot. Uh, you know what, enough about Leonard. Let’s talk about you. What would you like to do while you’re here?
Beverly: Dear, I’m a psychiatrist. You don’t have to avoid having intimate conversations with me.
Penny: Well, I’d actually like for us to be close, but maybe we start with our favourite books and work our way up to my husband’s sex organs.
Beverly: Very well. What’s the last book you read?
Penny: Um, does Pottery Barn, Spring count?
Beverly: Penny, it’s only natural to want your mother-in-law to like you, and I acknowledge I can be an intimidating person. So what can I do to make this process easier for you?
Penny: Uh, for starters, maybe you can not psychoanalyze everything I say?
Beverly: And how does it make you feel when I psychoanalyze everything you say?
Penny: Uncomfortable.
Beverly: That was a joke, dear.
Penny: Oh. Sorry. Didn’t know you made those. Hey, listen, what if we have a little mother-in-law, daughter-in-law dinner tonight?
Beverly: So just the two of us?
Penny: Or I invite a few girlfriends, ’cause hearing you say the two of us just sent a chill right down my spine.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Stuart: Hey.
Amy: What are you doing here? You’re not Sheldon.
Stuart: I thought that might come up. Sheldon hired me to go shopping with you.
Amy: Hold on. He paid you to get out of spending time with me?
Stuart: No, it’s not like that. There’s a long line he’d rather stand in. So what are we doing? Old Navy, Build-A-Bear? I get paid either way.
Amy: We’re not going shopping together.
Stuart: You sure? I’m happy to hold your bag. And Sheldon gave me money for a hotdog on a stick.
Amy: Can you understand why I might be annoyed right now?
Stuart: Look, lady, I just work here.
Scene: The cinema line.
Howard: We’ve waited in a lot of lines together, haven’t we?
Sheldon: Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?
Raj: Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.
Leonard: Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets.
Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?
Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?
Sheldon: I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?
Stuart: Oh, I’m not upset with you, but Amy’s pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.
Stuart: You’re darn right it’s fair play, you selfish jerk.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: You know, just when I think we’re making progress in our relationship, we revert to our old patterns where thoughts and feelings go unexpressed. I mean, if he didn’t want to go shopping with me, why didn’t he just say so?
Beverly: Maybe he couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
Amy: I’m sorry, I’ve been going on and on.
Beverly: Oh, it’s all right, dear. Sheldon has a brilliant and complicated mind. It’s understandable that being in a relationship with him could be trying.
Amy: I called him babe once. He asked me to get a drug test.
Beverly: Well, I do admire your resolve. You’re an extraordinary woman.
Amy: Thank you.
Penny: You know, she’s my mother-in-law. Why can’t I bond with her like that?
Bernadette: Amy’s with Sheldon who she loves like a son. You’re with her son, who she doesn’t.
Amy: Do you realize it took me five years to get a massage from him?
Beverly: Oh, well, that still could be a big step for Sheldon.
Amy: Three minutes. And he used a kitchen timer. I felt like a soft-boiled egg.
Penny: You know, being in a relationship with Leonard also comes with its challenges.
Beverly: Yes. Well, what can you do?
Amy (knock on door): Maybe it’s Sheldon, here to say he’s sorry.
Stuart: Sheldon says he’s sorry.
Amy: Bernadette, I’ll give you five dollars to slam the door.
Stuart: I would have done it for three.
Scene: The cinema line.
Raj: Boy, all this standing’s making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick chair.
Howard: Not the stick chair. You look like an idiot on that thing.
Raj: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.
Stuart: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?
Stuart: Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad.
Sheldon: Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?
Stuart: I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.
Leonard: You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself?
Sheldon: I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.
Stuart: I’m happy to hold your place till you get back.
Sheldon: You would do that?
Stuart: Consider it my way of getting more of your money.
Sheldon: You’re a good man.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, Beverly, did you know Penny is the number three sales rep at our pharmaceutical company?
Beverly: Oh, I didn’t realize you two work together.
Bernadette: Well, we don’t exactly. I’m a microbiologist for the research team.
Beverly: Oh, what are you currently developing?
Bernadette: Some exciting new anti-anxiety drugs.
Beverly: That’s interesting. I just attended a lecture on pediatric anxiety.
Amy: Oh, was it, uh, Dr. Jenofski? I just saw his TED Talk.
Beverly: It was.
Bernadette: Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?
Penny: Um, it has seat warmers.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: Come in.
Sheldon: Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.
Amy: Fine.
Sheldon: Oh, thanks, you’re a peach. Beverly, we’ll catch up soon. Bernadette, it was a pleasure as always, Penny, you have spinach in your teeth.
Penny: How long have I had spinach in my teeth?
Beverly: Since the airport, dear.
Scene: The cinema line.
Howard: You look like you come with a kickstand.
Raj: You can’t make me feel bad.
Howard: Hmm, maybe not. Leonard?
Leonard: So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?
Sheldon: I’m back.
Leonard: Hey, how’d it go?
Sheldon: It went well. Yeah, I’ve learned that if you never say you’re sorry, the times you do really puts them on their heels. Uh, Stuart, I relieve you of your line duties.
Stuart: Anyone else need anything before I go?
Howard: I’ll give you a dollar if you make fun of Raj.
Stuart: That’s mean.
Howard: Five.
Stuart: You look like Tigger if Tigger looked like a jackass.
Howard: Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know.
Man: Hey, guys.
Woman: You made it.
Sheldon: Did you see that? He just cut the line.
Leonard: He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine.
Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.
Howard: We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way.
Sheldon: What if every person in front of us let someone cut?
Leonard: We’d still get in.
Sheldon: What if each of those people let someone cut?
Leonard: Still get in.
Sheldon: But then each of those people let someone cut?
Leonard: We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Leonard: Oh, please don’t.
Sheldon: Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.
Man: Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool.
Sheldon: Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You need to go to the back of the line.
Man: Uh, who made you line monitor?
Sheldon: Mrs. Wunch in fourth grade. And my slogan was a line that’s straight is a line that’s great.
Man: Is this guy for real?
Leonard: Boy, I wish I could say no.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Beverly: That was very nice of Sheldon to apologize.
Amy: Well, he’s come a long way. Or a short way very slowly, so it feels like a long way.
Beverly: Your relationship with him is fascinating. I’m preparing to write a book on high-achieving couples, and I would love to interview the both of you.
Amy: Oh, sure. I’ll, I’ll talk to Sheldon about it. You know, Bernadette’s husband is a former astronaut.
Beverly: Really? Do you think he would be interested in being interviewed as well?
Bernadette: Do I think he’d be interested? Sometimes I hear him pretending to be interviewed when he’s alone in the bathroom.
Beverly: Wonderful. I’ll give you my contact information.
Bernadette: Um, you should probably talk to Penny, too.
Beverly: About what?
Penny: Okay, you know what? This is ridiculous. I’ve been trying to make a connection with you all day, and clearly I’m getting nowhere.
Beverly: Well, are you seeking a connection or just some form of validation?
Penny: What I was seeking was some sort of friendship. But at this point, I’ll take you not insulting me to my face.
Beverly: My intention was never to insult you.
Penny: You’ve been doing it all day. Do you even know what an insult is?
Beverly: Well, it’s not a clinical term. But one example would be your marrying my son, and not inviting me or even telling me the wedding was taking place.
Penny: Okay, good example.
Scene: The cinema line.
Sheldon: What about Joss Whedon’s work makes you think he’d be okay with rule-breakers and line-cutters?
Man: The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description.
Sheldon: They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government?
Man: As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV.
Raj: He’s got him there. The D even stands for department.
Sheldon: Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?
Man: Told you.
Sheldon: Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.
Howard: I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair.
Sheldon: You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.
Leonard: Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here.
Sheldon: Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…
Woman: Why should we listen to you? You cut the line yourself.
Sheldon: I most certainly did not.
Woman: I saw you.
Man: If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.
Leonard: Buddy, let it go.
Sheldon: No, I can’t. This isn’t right.
Leonard: You did everything you could.
Sheldon: No, I could’ve done more.
Leonard: Now, now, you denigrated the memory of a great civil rights pioneer. That’s all anyone could ask.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: To be honest, I’m surprised you cared about the wedding at all.
Beverly: I’m still human, Penny. Not getting invited to my own son’s wedding is difficult to ignore.
Amy: I know how you feel. She didn’t invite any of us.
Penny: It was spur of the moment.
Bernadette: But we did get to see a live stream of it on the Internet.
Beverly: I could’ve watched it on the Internet?
Penny: Thank you. So if we would have asked you to come to Vegas to see us get married, you would’ve come?
Beverly: No, I would’ve said you’re making a huge mistake. But an invitation would’ve been nice.
Penny: You really think we made a mistake?
Beverly: At the time I did. But I’ve never seen Leonard so happy, so perhaps I was wrong.
Penny: Wow. Okay. Well, um, how about this? Maybe while you’re still in town, Leonard and I could have another small ceremony. You know, if you’re interested.
Beverly: I would find that perfectly acceptable.
Penny: She would find it perfectly acceptable. You guys saw it. We bonded.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Howie? You doing okay? You’ve been in there a while.
Howard (through bathroom door): I’m fine. Be right out. Am I an American hero? Well, that’s a good question, Jim. Don’t you think once an astronaut leaves the planet, he’s a hero to all the nations of the Earth? Okey dokey. I think I have time for one more question.
Scene: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi, how was the screening?
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon invoked Rosa Parks to make somebody who cut the line feel bad, but only the white people felt bad.
Penny: Ugh, I should’ve never bought him that colouring book that explains Black History Month.
Leonard: How’d it go with my mother?
Penny: Uh, you know, it started a little rocky, but I think we got to a good place.
Leonard: Wow. Well done.
Penny: Yeah, and when I dropped her off at the hotel, she even gave me a hug.
Leonard: Did she think you were choking or… I’m sorry, that’s great. Thank you for spending time with her.
Penny: No problem. Um, so listen, I don’t know if you have any plans next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we’d have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
Leonard: Wait, we’re gonna get married again?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, but now we can invite our friends and family.
Leonard: Seems like a lot of trouble for a hug.
Penny: Come on, it’ll be fun, and, you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn’t invite her to the first one.
Leonard: Look, in our defence, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and also, we don’t like her.
Penny: Leonard, come on, she’s your mom. If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn’t we?
Leonard: I just said why, we don’t like her.
Penny: Hey, look, then forget about her, let’s do it for us. We could keep it small and informal. This time we can invite our families.
Leonard: Is your brother out of prison?
Penny: Thanks to overcrowding, yeah.
Leonard: I’d love it if my dad could come.
Penny: Oh, you have to invite him. I haven’t seen him since the divorce.
Leonard: Oh, he’s like a different man. He stopped twitching, and I think he grew an inch and a half.
Penny: Well, then it’s settled. Yay. So funny. I never thought my second marriage would be to you.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, so it’s not a legal ceremony, it’s just a chance for us to redo our vows so everyone can be part of it.
Amy: So there’s no maid of honour?
Penny: No.
Amy: Huh. But if I were to, say, wear a purple satin dress with a sweetheart neckline and stand near you, you wouldn’t be able to stop me, right?
Penny: I don’t see how I could.
Amy: Then I graciously accept.
Bernadette: Who’s going to officiate?
Penny: I was kind of hoping you would.
Amy: Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honour?
Sheldon: Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.
Penny: Okay, wait, you’re inviting people to our wedding?
Sheldon: Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.
Bernadette: Who’s Erno Rubik?
Sheldon: Seriously? He invented the Rubik’s Cube.
Penny: Okay, fine, but why would you invite him to our wedding?
Sheldon: Because, despite his fame and fortune, he strikes me as a lonely man.
Bernadette: Well, it’s very sweet of you to go to all this trouble for Leonard’s mother.
Penny: Yeah, I’m also doing it for Leonard. I think this could really help their relationship.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Beverly: How dare you invite your father without consulting me.
Leonard: Sorry, but I don’t think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
Beverly: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know, and there’s no excuse for that.
Beverly: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn’t shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: I was wrong, there’s three excuses for that.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Howard: Oh, my God. It’s working.
Raj: You sure?
Howard: Look. The system is maintaining its own stability, the quantum vortex apparatus is now controlling the orientation.
Raj: You’re right. You realize what this means?
Howard: Yeah. I do. It’s proof of concept. We’ve got a workable guidance system.
Raj: Congratulations.
Howard: Thanks. Hey, I just got an e-mail from the U.S. Air Force.
Raj: Open it.
Howard: Hmm. We request a meeting at your earliest convenience regarding your quantum guidance system, provisional patent 62/295118. That’s weird.
Raj: Is there a window around here we don’t know about?
Howard: I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
Raj: Yeah, of course. What else could it be? Boy, do I love America.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Mary Cooper: Thank you for picking me up.
Sheldon: Oh, you’re welcome.
Mary: I was speaking to your young lady.
Amy: My pleasure, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Oh, please call me Mary.
Amy: Okay, Mary.
Sheldon: You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Sheldon, don’t be silly.
Sheldon: Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.
Mary: It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, I…
Amy: It sure was.
Mary: I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.
Mary: Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?
Amy: Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny’s family is coming tomorrow.
Sheldon: Yeah, and Leonard’s mother’s already here.
Mary: Oh, Beverly. How nice.
Amy: You’ve met her, right?
Mary: Yes, I have.
Sheldon: Mother, she’s an atheist, not a vampire.
Mary: Either way, let’s stop and get some garlic.
Scene: The apartment.
Beverly: So, Mary, how have you been?
Mary: Well, thank you so much for asking. I’ve been well, and you?
Beverly: Very good.
Mary: Good.
Sheldon: I don’t know what we were worried about, they’re getting along great.
Mary: Sheldon tells me your husband’s coming.
Beverly: My ex-husband.
Mary: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Beverly: Don’t be.
Mary: All right.
Penny: Whew, chilly.
Amy: I think I can see my breath.
Beverly: We can hear you.
Penny: Sorry.
Amy: Sorry.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: I can’t believe I was so naive. The military is just gonna take over the whole project. And you know what happens if we object? We disappear. Like off the map. Like every American Idol winner since season four.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard, you’re overreacting.
Howard: Am I? Am I? What, what do you want to bet some black ops guy is reprinting my high school yearbook and I’m no longer in it? That chess club picture is now just David Zimmerman and Elaine Cho.
Raj: Okay, look, I’m on the Air Force Web site, and the department that e-mailed you is in charge of acquisitions. So maybe they just want to give you a lot of money for your invention.
Howard: Oh, please, that’s not how it works. You saw E.T., Avatar, Jurassic World. The military just shows up and takes over.
Bernadette: You do realize those weren’t documentaries, right?
Howard: I’m sorry, you find this funny?
Raj: No, I was just thinking about Jurassic World. Boy, that was terrible.
Scene: The foyer.
Leonard: Oh, we have to use the stairs.
Alfred Hofstadter: When are they gonna fix your elevator?
Leonard: Uh, I don’t, any day now.
Alfred: Well, the stairs are fine. Besides, your mother is up there. Maybe I’ll have a heart attack and not have to see her.
Leonard: Hey, I, I know things are a little rough with you and Mom, but I’m really glad you’re here.
Alfred: Me, too. I should have never had that angioplasty because I feel fine.
Leonard: Penny’s really looking forward to seeing you.
Alfred: Ah, she’s a sweetie. You got a good one there, Leonard.
Leonard: Thanks, Dad.
Alfred: How the hell did you do that?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Isn’t this nice?
Leonard: Hey, we’re here.
Penny: Alfred. Thank you for coming!
Alfred: Oh. Well, happy to be here. And congratulations.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Dad, you remember Sheldon.
Sheldon: Dr. Hofstadter.
Alfred: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: This is Sheldon’s mother, Mary.
Alfred: How do you do?
Mary: Nice to meet you.
Leonard: And his girlfriend, Amy.
Alfred: A pleasure.
Amy: Hi.
Leonard: And, of course, Mom.
Alfred: Hello, my hateful shrew.
Beverly: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.
Sheldon: All right, now I’m starting to sense a little tension.
Leonard: All right, you two, don’t start. Penny and I are throwing this second wedding for your benefit. Can you please not ruin it?
Alfred: Of course. I’m sorry.
Beverly: Oh, look at that, you can apologize.
Leonard: Mom.
Beverly: I’m sorry.
Mary: You know, the Bible says forgiveness…
Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: I’m sorry.
Penny: Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.
Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: I’m not sorry. That’s true.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: I don’t know what to do. It’s the Air Force. I mean, should I respond to their e-mail? Ignore it?
Raj: You can’t ignore it. It’s not that postcard that says it’s time to go back to the dentist.
Bernadette: Guys, come on. We’re meeting everyone for dinner.
Howard: One sec. I’m just afraid if I respond, then they’ll know I got it.
Raj: Oh, dude. The minute you opened that e-mail, they knew you got it. I mean, they’re probably looking at you through the camera right now. I love America.
Bernadette: Are you done with this nonsense?
Howard: It’s not nonsense. This is how the U.S. military works.
Raj: Oh, if it’s even the U.S. Military. It could be foreign military pretending to be American.
Howard: You’re right. We turn our guidance system over to them, next thing we know, they’re using it against us.
Raj: I also love the enemies of America.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Beverly: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard’s father doesn’t discourage you from the commitment you’ve made to one another.
Penny: No, of course not.
Beverly: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.
Leonard: Mom, please save something for the toast.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Mary: So, Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?
Alfred: Oh, I’m an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.
Mary: My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.
Sheldon: Don’t laugh, she wasn’t joking.
Amy: Play with your phone.
Alfred: Well, on that note, there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as part of their mythology.
Mary: I don’t have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that’s very interesting.
Alfred: Oh. I, I didn’t mean to disparage your faith. Actually, I admire it.
Mary: Really?
Alfred: Yes. Yes, I’m an agnostic myself, but I have prayed, many times, to God, to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary: Well, He came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Raj: Howard, there must be someone at the university you can go to for help.
Howard: Are you kidding? They’re probably the ones who leaked it to the military in the first place.
Raj: What about the guy on the Channel Four News? You know, Four on Your Side? Maybe he can be on your side.
Howard: I’m being harassed by the government, not trying to get to the bottom of a dog-walking scam.
Bernadette: Oh, stop. You know what’s really happening? All the movies you’ve watched, the TV shows, the comic books, they’ve completely twisted your thinking. No one’s after you, no one’s listening to you, no one cares about you.
Raj: I’d like to think the Four on Your Side guy cares about me.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Penny: You know, Beverly, I know you and Alfred have your differences, but if you think about it, if you hadn’t married him, there’d be no Leonard. So that’s good, right?
Beverly: Yeah.
Leonard: Is that Howard in front of us?
Penny: Oh, maybe. Get closer.
Howard’s car.
Howard: Oh, God. I think someone’s following us.
Bernadette: You’re being ridiculous.
Howard: I’m not being ridiculous, he’s right on my tail.
Raj: Uh, turn left here and see if he turns with us.
Leonard’s car.
Penny: Well, why is he turning here? The restaurant’s the other way.
Leonard: I don’t know. He uses that traffic app. Maybe there’s an accident.
Penny: Oh, so follow him.
Howard’s car.
Raj: Oh, no.
Howard: I told you.
Bernadette: It’s probably just a coincidence. Speed up a little, see if he stays with you.
Leonard’s car.
Penny: Well, go faster. You’re losing him.
Leonard: What is his hurry?
Penny: You know what, flash your lights. Let him know it’s you.
Howard’s car.
Howard: He’s flashing his lights. What’s that mean?
Raj: I, I think he wants us to pull over.
Bernadette: Do not pull over. I’m not raising this baby alone.
Howard: Hang on.
Scene: The restaurant.
Alfred: So, after your husband passed, you never remarried?
Mary: No, just focused on work and the church.
Alfred: Ah. And what do you do?
Mary: I work at the church.
Alfred: Well, they’re lucky to have you.
Mary: Well, thank you.
Alfred: You’re welcome.
Amy: Do you realize what’s happening here?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. They’re filling up on bread and ruining their meal.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Amy: What took you guys so long?
Leonard: Oh, we were following Howard, but for some reason, he turned off his headlights and went up a one-way street.
Penny: So, what did we miss?
Alfred: Oh, just Mary and I getting to know each other a little.
Mary: Leonard, your father is just charming.
Beverly: He’s also broke. Did he mention that?
Leonard: Okay, Mom, you sit over there.
Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna call Bernadette and see what’s keeping them.
Sheldon: If I’d known you were broke, I wouldn’t have made a big deal about the bread.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Bernadette (on phone): Hey, Penny. What are you talking about? Oh, that was you? Long story. Why don’t you go ahead and eat. We’re gonna be a while.
Howard: I’m telling you, I’m not on drugs. The government’s out to get me.
Scene: The restaurant.
Alfred: Now, one of the more exciting things to be found recently is that Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens frequently mated with each other.
Mary: Well, that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon’s father.
Sheldon: That’s funny, because my father was not a very clever man.
Amy: I’d be lost without you.
Leonard: Uh, I would like to propose a toast to my wife and bride-to-be.
Sheldon: See, that’s funny because…
Amy: Back to your phone.
Leonard: Penny, I’ve always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
Penny: Oh, thanks for asking until I did.
Amy: Hear, hear.
Leonard: Cheers.
Alfred: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast.
Penny: Aw.
Alfred: Leonard, I am so happy that you have found a woman who loves and cares for you.
Beverly: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Alfred: Why don’t you take a pill?
Beverly: Like you did before sex?
Alfred: What I really needed was a blindfold.
Mary: All right, everyone, calm down. Let’s all remember what it says in the Bible: He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty.
Beverly: Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?
Mary: When God writes one, I will.
Penny: Um, if, if we want to order the soufflé, we might want to get on that.
Alfred: Leonard, if you don’t mind, I, I think I’m a little tired. I’m gonna call it a night.
Leonard: Sure, Dad.
Mary: I’m a little tuckered out myself, so I will see you all in the morning.
Alfred: Would you like to share a cab?
Mary: That would be fine.
Alfred: Where are you staying?
Mary: I’m at the Westin.
Alfred: Oh, so am I. Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Mary: I think that you could.
Leonard: What is happening there?
Sheldon: I think it’s pretty obvious. They don’t want dessert ’cause they filled up on bread.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: She’s still not answering.
Leonard: My father’s not texting me back.
Penny: ‘Cause they both turned their phones off.
Sheldon: I don’t like this at all.
Leonard: I don’t like it either.
Penny: Really? ‘Cause I love it.
Following a “previously on” sequence.
Sceme: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Leonard? Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You realize you and I could become brothers.
Leonard: We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep.
Sheldon: I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.
Leonard: Go to sleep.
Sheldon: Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?
Penny: Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep.
Sheldon: Very well.
Leonard: I’m sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.
Penny: God, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was gonna make everyone uncomfortable, but now this.
Sheldon: Hey, if you want me to sleep you’re gonna have to stop talking.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, I’m gonna go pick up my family. Like an hour and half, two hours, depending on traffic.
Leonard: Yeah, drive safe.
Penny: Oh, hey, and do yourself a favour, all right? When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night. All right? As far as you’re concerned, you don’t know anything, you didn’t see anything. I want you just to play dumb.
Sheldon: It was nice of her to show us playing dumb with an example.
Penny: What? Oh. Hi. Okay, hey there, I got, I’m sorry, I got to go now.
Beverley: Penny, wait.
Penny: Why?
Beverley: I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.
Leonard: Well, why? What’s wrong?
Sheldon: Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?
Beverley: I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.
Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?
Beverley: Stop it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?
Beverley: I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin.
Sheldon: Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.
Penny: Okay, Beverley, aren’t you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap.
Sheldon: And turned their phones off.
Leonard: Not helping, buddy. Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay.
Penny: Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.
Beverley: Well, we can’t have that.
Sheldon: You know, also, if they did have coitus, we’ll all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Raj: It is funny when you think about it.
Howard: Maybe to you. You didn’t get a $500 traffic ticket.
Bernadette: Because you were driving like a lunatic.
Howard: Hey, if thinking secret government agents are chasing you makes you a lunatic, then, yeah, okay.
Raj (doorbell rings): Oh, I’ll get it.
Bernadette: It didn’t help that you couldn’t walk a straight line when the cop pulled you over.
Howard: I have performance anxiety. You of all people should know that.
Raj: Hello.
Air Force Officer: I’m looking for Howard Wolowitz.
Raj: Howard Wolowitz?
Air Force Officer: I have the right address, don’t I?
Raj: Address?
Air Force Officer: Is he here?
Raj: Um, no.
Air Force Officer: Do you know where I can find him?
Raj: May I ask what this is about?
Air Force Officer: No, you may not.
Raj: Very well.
Air Force Officer: Have him call me.
Raj: Okay.
Howard (off): Raj, who’s at the door?
Raj: That’s not him.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny: Oh, I can’t wait for you to meet everyone. I told them all about you.
Susan (Penny’s mother): Like what? Do they know about your brother?
Penny: Uh, not everything, just, like, the jail and drugs part.
Susan: Why would you do that?
Penny: What?
Susan: The world doesn’t need to know our problems.
Penny: Well, Mom, I’m sorry, but…
Wyatt (Penny’s father): Hey, look, they got Walgreens here, too.
Susan: You really think it’s helpful to change the subject, Wyatt?
Wyatt: Just trying to make this a happy trip, dear.
Susan: Well, quit it.
Penny: So, uh, Randall, can’t believe after all these years you finally get to visit me in California.
Randall (Penny’s brother): Well, good thing I was a non-violent offender, otherwise I couldn’t have left the state.
Susan: All right, that’s enough jail talk.
Randall: Penny knows where I was, she sent me cigarettes.
Susan: You sent your brother cigarettes?
Wyatt: He was cooking and selling crystal meth, Susan, I think we can let the cigarettes slide.
Susan: Stop trying to be the cool dad, you have a shirt with our cat’s picture on it.
Wyatt: Anyway, we’re here, slugger.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: That’s great, now they know where I live.
Raj: What are you talking about? They’ve always known where you live.
Bernadette: Yeah, if you want to go off the grid, you have to move out of your mother’s house.
Raj: Can we take a moment to discuss that I just lied to the government for you?
Howard: Yeah. I would not have done that for you.
Bernadette: Howard, please just call the man, see what he wants.
Howard: All right, all right.
Raj: Hey, make sure you tell him that you weren’t home when he came by and that your Indian friend gave you the message the moment you stepped through the door.
Howard: Yes, hello. Uh, this is Howard Wolowitz for Colonel Richard Williams.
Raj: Oh, I take it back, don’t mention me.
Howard: Hi, Colonel Williams, how can I help you? What? Oh, uh, yes, he is from India. No, I don’t know his immigration status. Relax, I’m still on hold. Speaking. Okay, sure, I can meet with you on Thursday. Caltech is fine. Yeah, and may I ask what this is about? I may not?
Raj: That’s what he said to me.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here you are, Mother.
Beverley: Thank you.
Leonard: I’m glad you decided to stay. It’s gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you.
Beverley: I can’t wait for this day to be over.
Leonard: Yeah, special, like that. (Knock on door) That’s them. Please don’t make things any more awkward than they already are.
Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.
Leonard: Hey, guys, come on in.
Alfred: Oh, thank you.
Mary: Good morning.
Beverley: Morning.
Sheldon: Hello.
Alfred: How is everyone today?
Beverley: Good, and you?
Alfred: Good, good.
Beverley: Good.
Mary: I’m good, too.
Beverley: Good.
Sheldon: So, did you defile my mother or not?
Mary: Sheldon. You’re being rude.
Alfred: If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.
Sheldon: Did that conversation include the phrase your genitals are a joy to behold?
Mary: That’s enough.
Alfred: Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.
Leonard: You don’t know his girlfriend very well.
Sheldon: Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: All right, you guys, uh, get settled in, then we’ll go across the hall and say hi to everyone.
Randall: You know, It’s hard to believe I’ve never met Leonard.
Wyatt: Well, he probably buys his illegal drugs from a local vendor.
Susan: Not funny, Wyatt.
Penny: I thought it was really funny.
Wyatt: Thanks.
Susan: Well, fine, if everyone wants to make jokes about our problems, then I can, too. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Our family is an embarrassment.
Randall: That’s not much of a joke.
Penny: Okay. Listen, Mom, I know you’re nervous, but I promise you, no one is gonna judge you or this family.
Susan: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just we’re meeting Leonard’s parents for the first time, and, and they’re academics and, and intellectuals, and I don’t want them thinking we’re white trash.
Randall: Well, what colour trash do you think they’ll believe?
Scene: The apartment.
Mary: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?
Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You’re kind of a sucker.
Leonard: Well, nothing happened, right? It’s over. Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again.
Alfred: Well, you know, actually that’s not the case. Mary may visit me in New York.
Mary: Mm-hmm. And he’s never been to Texas.
Alfred: Maybe we meet halfway.
Sheldon: What? In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can’t be the only one that knows that’s halfway.
Beverley: You’re not seriously going to visit each other.
Alfred: And why wouldn’t we?
Beverley: Oh please, you’re just saying this to antagonize me.
Alfred: Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that’s just a bonus.
Leonard: Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this.
Mary: No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.
Sheldon: What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.
Leonard: Are you saying that my dad’s not good enough for your mom?
Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?
Leonard: This is ridiculous. I’m going across the hall.
Sheldon: But why should you get to go and leave me here with your bickering parents?
Leonard: Fine, then you go.
Mary: Well, I don’t want to stay here with her. I’ll go.
Alfred: I’ll go with you.
Leonard: That still leaves me here with him.
Sheldon: Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.
Amy: Who’s ready for a wedding?
Sheldon: Great, now I have to start all over.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Wyatt: So how’s the world of pharmaceuticals treating you?
Penny: Pretty good. I actually just got assigned a much better territory.
Susan: See what happens when you work hard?
Randall: Hey, she just sells drugs. I had to make ’em.
Susan: Okay, that’s enough. No more drug talk for the rest of this trip.
Wyatt: I’ll drink to that.
Susan: Haven’t you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more than I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw.
Penny: Aw.
Susan: Very nice, Wyatt. And you wonder why this one turned out the way he did.
Randall: You see what I’ve gotta put up with.
Susan: What you’ve gotta put up with? Why did you have to go to jail?
Randall: It’s called getting caught, Mother.
Leonard: Hello.
Wyatt: Hey, there he is.
Penny: Hey.
Susan: Oh, Leonard. It’s so nice to see you again.
Leonard: Oh, you, too. Hey, everyone, this is my mother, Beverley.
Beverley: Hello.
Susan: Hi.
Randall: We are not white trash.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Are you excited to see your son walk down the aisle?
Alfred: Yes, I am. I’m just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I’ve caused.
Mary: Oh, so am I.
Sheldon: You made God sad today, Mom.
Amy: Sheldon, they haven’t done anything wrong. I think it’s nice they’re hitting it off.
Sheldon: Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years.
Amy: It was a lot hotter than it sounds.
Alfred: You’re a patient young lady.
Sheldon: Hey, hey. She’s mine, take a cold shower, grandpa.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Why wouldn’t that colonel say what the meeting’s about? It has to be bad news.
Raj: Calm down, okay? Try not to think about it.
Howard: That’s really stupid advice.
Raj: You know that hurts my feelings.
Howard: Calm down, try not to think about it.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: Why do I bother talking to you?
Raj: Oh, come on. What’s the worst that could come of this meeting?
Howard: I don’t know. They take the invention away, and I get nothing?
Raj: Okay, that’s not so bad. You know what happened to the scientists that worked on the Manhattan Project? The government forced them to move to the desert. They had to live in secret, and when Oppenheimer objected to what they made him do, they destroyed his reputation.
Howard: What’s the point of that story?
Raj: I just read a book about Oppenheimer, seemed like a chance to show off. (Howard laughs) There he is, there’s my happy Hebraic homeboy. Yeah, that’s the smile I’m gonna remember when you’re living in the desert and I’m living with your wife.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Beverley: So, what do you do for a living?
Randall: Mommy, you want to take this one?
Susan: Um, Randall’s in between jobs.
Randall: And court appearances.
Wyatt: It’s nice to meet the woman who raised this fine young man. I’m looking forward to meeting his father.
Beverley: Prepare to be disappointed.
Leonard: And he can’t wait to meet you, too. Can I get anyone a drink?
Wyatt: Well, I could use another beer.
Susan: You’re done. He’s done.
Penny: Hey. Is everyone getting to know each other?
Randall: Not at all.
Scene: The wedding ceremony.
Stuart: Nice to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter. I’m, uh, Leonard’s friend, Stuart.
Beverley: Nice to see you, too.
Stuart: Hi, I’m Stuart.
Alfred: Oh, I’m Alfred. Leonard’s father.
Stuart: Oh. Oh, hi. Uh, I’m sorry, did you two want to sit together?
Together: No.
Stuart: I was wondering why the front row was available.
Bernadette: Okay, I think we’re ready.
Sheldon: Why do people cry at weddings?
Mary: They’re practicing for what’s coming later.
Susan: Thank you for cleaning yourself up for your sister’s wedding.
Randall: Thank you for my new teeth.
Wyatt: Welcome to the family, Leonard. Don’t lend your new brother-in-law money.
Bernadette: We’re here today to celebrate love.
Beverley: Urgh.
Alfred: Sigh louder, no one heard you.
Stuart: Really, I can move.
Bernadette: Not just Leonard and Penny’s love, but the love we have for them, as well as each other.
Sheldon: Speaking of love, STDs among the elderly are skyrocketing.
Bernadette: Love is patient, but it’s not gonna put up with all the side chatter, so let’s knock it off.
Howard: At least she’s yelling at someone else for a change.
Bernadette: Howard.
Penny: Okay, I understand everyone’s a little tense today, so I am just gonna get to the important stuff. Leonard, standing here with you in front of our family and friends is bringing up a lot of feelings. Like what a good idea it was to elope the first time. But also how incredibly happy you make me. Thank you for marrying me. Hopefully for the last time.
Leonard: Penny, as a scientist, my job is to figure out why things happen. But I don’t think I’ll ever understand how someone like me could get to be with someone like you. You know, maybe I don’t
need to understand it, I just need to be grateful. I love you, Penny.
Penny: Oh.
Bernadette: Anybody have anything snarky to say about that? Didn’t think so.
Alfred: I’d like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don’t bring out the best in each other.
But something wonderful did come from our relationship. That young man right there.
Beverley: I couldn’t agree more.
Stuart: That’s beautiful.
Bernadette: Thank you. All right, let’s continue.
Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.
Amy: It’s happening.
Sheldon: Leonard, you and I have our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don’t always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Thank you.
Bernadette: Okay. I now pronounce you husband and wife. And weird other husband who came with the apartment.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Beverley: Thank you for taking us to the airport.
Leonard: Hey, I’m just thrilled we’re all getting along for a minute.
Alfred: Yeah, me, too. Beverly, I’m sorry if I upset you.
Beverley: Water under the bridge, Alfred. Leonard, why don’t you get into the carpool lane?
Alfred: Well, that’s a solid line. He can’t cross that.
Leonard: That’s okay. I can make it over.
Beverley: No, no, let’s plod along. It’ll make your father feel more comfortable.
Alfred: What makes me comfortable is knowing I don’t have to wake up tomorrow morning and see your sour face.
Beverley: Do the world a favour, and don’t wake up tomorrow morning.
Leonard: That was almost a minute.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Mary: There’s a lot of traffic. Are we gonna be okay?
Amy: You’ll be at the airport an hour before your flight.
Mary: Good. Thank you.
Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.
Mary: Hey. I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: Yes ma’am.
Amy: Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.
Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.
Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: What, you’re not my mother.
Mary: Don’t you be disrespectful to her.
Sheldon: Yes ma’am.
Mary: You’ll get there. You’ve just gotta put some zing on it.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Susan: Penny, I don’t know what I was worried about. You’re friends are just lovely.
Penny: Oh, thanks, Mom.
Susan: Although that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.
Penny: Is he? I never noticed.
Wyatt: He reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain.
Randall: Cops, cops, be cool.
Following a “previously on” sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Look at this. Elon Musk has a theory that we’re all just characters in some advanced civilization’s video game.
Leonard: So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma-and-glasses upgrade for me?
Sheldon: Well, he doesn’t say it’s a good game.
Howard (entering): All right, we got a problem.
Leonard: What’s up?
Howard: The Air Force contacted me about our quantum gyroscope. They want to have a meeting.
Leonard: Really?
Raj: Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying.
Sheldon: Oh, what did he say?
Raj: He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.
Sheldon: That doesn’t sound terrifying.
Raj: To a white guy born here, no. If you are a brown guy whose name has a lot of syllables in it, terrifying.
Leonard: You realize if the military declares our research classified, they can take the whole thing away from us.
Howard: And if that happens, we’ll never be able to sell it commercially.
Leonard: There goes our big payday.
Howard: I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don’t have to try so hard in bed.
Leonard: You do that, too?
Howard: Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin?
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?
Raj: Well, you’re kidding, right?
Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?
Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.
Sheldon: Okay, Howard’s on board. What do you think, Leonard?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: I’m worried about Howard. Ever since that guy from the Air Force showed up, he’s been a nervous wreck.
Penny: All right, we work at a giant pharmaceutical company. Get him some anti-anxiety meds.
Bernadette: He won’t take any pills that aren’t chewable and shaped like a Flintstone.
Penny: You know, when Leonard’s feeling anxious I make him take a long walk.
Amy: Does that help?
Penny: Well, for a while. Then he comes back.
Bernadette: I don’t believe this.
Amy: What’s wrong?
Bernadette: This guy from the office just congratulated me on being pregnant.
Amy: You did already know, right?
Bernadette: No one at the office did. Did you tell anyone?
Penny: No. You told me not to.
Bernadette: I bet it was Barbara Chen in retrovirus. She might have heard me throwing up one morning. Every since she got the hearing aid, she thinks she’s so great.
Amy: Why don’t you want anyone to know?
Bernadette: ‘Cause I’m up for a major immunotherapy study, and if they find out I’m pregnant they might give it to someone else.
Penny: Would they really do that?
Bernadette: I know they would, they did it to Barbara Chen last year when I told everyone she was pregnant.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Wail till I Snapchat that my friends might be working on a top secret government project.
Leonard: Are you crazy? You can’t put that on Snapchat.
Raj: Fine, I’ll put it on Facebook like a caveman.
Howard: You know, maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer.
Leonard: That’s not a bad idea.
Raj: Well, you must have someone in your family that’s a lawyer.
Howard: Why? Because I’m Jewish? That’s like me saying, hey, you’re Indian, doesn’t your cousin work in a call centre?
Raj: My cousin does work in a call centre.
Howard: And my cousin’s a lawyer.
Sheldon: We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me.
Leonard: You’re not a lawyer, Sheldon, you’re just a know-it-all.
Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.
Leonard: That’s the definition of being a know-it-all.
Sheldon: Or in German, a Besserwisser.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: How did you think you were gonna hide your pregnancy?
Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove Bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove Bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the Dove Bars I ate. I’m pregnant. Try to keep up. I’m sorry, I have to go find out if my boss knows.
Amy: Well, whatever happens, we’re here for you.
Bernadette: Thanks. You guys are the best.
Penny: Yeah, drive safe. We love you. And give us a call… Oh, my God, it was me, it was me. I’m the one who blabbed she was pregnant!
Amy: What?
Penny: I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out in front of her assistantone day. I…
Bernadette: I forgot my coat.
Penny: Oh, here’s your coat, honey. That’s such a cute jacket. Oh God, I feel so bad, I just lied to her.
Amy: Oh, but you did it so well. That’s amazing, it’s like watching a sculptor, but your clay was lies.
Penny: Is that really what’s important right now?
Amy: I mean, seriously, you have got to let me scan your brain when you’re being dishonest so I can see what lights up.
Penny: That’s super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot. I can’t wait to do that.
Amy: I can see a clump of bitch cells lightin’ up from here.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Howard: Give me a second to call my cousin.
Sheldon: I don’t see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.
Howard: First of all, he’s in Boca Raton, which is better than Fort Lauderdale. But more importantly, he lasted two days on Jeopardy, so he’s clearly a smart guy.
Howard’s cousin (on skype): Hello.
Howard: Hey, Marty. Thanks for talking to us.
Marty: Hey, no problem. Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do my mom will be disappointed in me.
Howard: Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: And this is my friend, Raj.
Raj: Oh, I’m not on the patent. I’m just here because there’s a bumblebee in my office.
Leonard: I saw it. It’s big.
Howard: Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?
Marty: Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything.
Sheldon: Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?
Marty: That’s not what I meant.
Sheldon: That’s what you said.
Marty: That’s not what I meant.
Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.
Marty: Howard, why is he yelling at me?
Sheldon: All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time?
Howard: Marty, let me call you back.
Leonard: Someday, when I’m up on murder charges, you’ll be hearing from me.
Sheldon: You don’t need him. I’ll represent you.
Scene: Bernadette’s office.
Penny: Hi.
Bernadette: Hey. What brings you by?
Penny: Oh, had to go to a sales seminar on our new sleeping pill.
Bernadette: Oh. How was it?
Penny: Great.
Bernadette: Fell asleep?
Penny: In, like, two minutes. Yeah. So, how is everything going around here? Are you still upset about people finding out you’re pregnant?
Bernadette: I’m furious.
Penny: Sure, sure. Uh, did you ever figure out who told?
Bernadette: No. I confronted Barbara Chen, but she claimed she didn’t know what I was talking about.
Penny: Hmm. Well, I guess it’s just gonna remain a mystery, you know, like whatever happened in that seminar after they dimmed the lights.
Bernadette: It had to be Barbara. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get back at her. Do you think using her work computer to Google how to be a prostitute is over the line?
Penny: Uh, you know, when I was in high school, there was this girl who was talking about me behind my back, so me and all my friends, we cornered her in the bathroom and forgave her.
Bernadette: What kind of revenge is that? This woman screwed with my job. She’s got to pay.
Penny: Okay, all right, honey, you know what? There was something I was too scared to tell you yesterday, and now I’m just balls-out terrified to tell you, but the truth is it wasn’t Barbara Chen, it was me. I’m the reason everyone knows.
Bernadette: Why did you do that?
Penny: Well, it was an accident.I am so sorry I lied.
Bernadette: Get out.
Penny: Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Sheldon: I don’t understand why I can’t talk at this meeting.
Leonard: ‘Cause when you talk, it enrages people.
Sheldon: Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?
Leonard: I’m getting enraged.
Sheldon: Fine. Ooh. Can I use text-to-speech software?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Don’t speak.
Sheldon’s phone: Aw, nuts.
Colonel Williams: Gentlemen, I’m Colonel Williams. Thank you for meeting with me.
Leonard: Hi.
Howard: Hello.
Colonel Williams: So, which one of you is the brains behind all this?
Howard: It’s a group effort, but I guess if we had to pick a main brain, it would be me.
Sheldon: (Strangled sound)
Scene: The same, shortly after, demonstrating the quantum gyroscope.
Colonel Williams: And because of the quantum vortices, this can run perpetually?
Leonard: Exactly. Yeah, you have a good grasp of the physics.
Colonel Williams: Well, I’m a scientist by training.
Howard: Really? You’re a physicist?
Colonel Williams: Better. I’m an engineer.
Leonard: Where did you go to school?
Colonel Williams: MIT.
Howard: Oh. Well, hey, me, too.
Colonel Williams: I should have known. Behind every great invention is an MIT mind. I’ll cut to the chase. The Air Force believes there’s an application for this technology, and we’re interested in funding your research.
Howard: Well, thanks, but you should know we’re a little concerned about this being used in weapons.
Colonel Williams: Oh, well, let me put your mind at ease. What we use it for is none of your business.
Leonard: I don’t know how I feel about this.
Colonel Williams: Look, guys, it’s just a guidance system. It’s not like you’re handing us the Death Star from Star Trek. All you need to worry about is, right now, it’s this big, and we need it to be this big.
Leonard: That’s a lot less big.
Colonel Williams: Yes, it’s this much less big.
Howard: I’m not even sure that’s possible.
Colonel Williams: Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.
Howard: Four months?
Sheldon: Yeah, we’ll do it in two. Hi. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I’m the actual brains behind this project. Also, engineers aren’t real scientists, MIT’s a trade school, and the Death Star is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. But otherwise, thank you for your service.
Scene: Bernadette’s office.
Amy: Hi. Howard told me you were working late, so I brought dinner.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks. You know, I just wanted to get some work done without people congratulating me about the baby every five minutes.
Amy: I spent my day alone in the lab waiting for a rat to die of anthrax.
Bernadette: Did you come here to bring me dinner or to gloat?
Amy: Well, I came to see how you were feeling, but I’m guessing still angry?
Bernadette: I’m sorry. My boss wants to meet with me, and I’m stressing.
Amy: You really think they’re gonna start treating you differently?
Bernadette: Are you kidding? I’ve always been treated differently. Look at me. Listen to me. I mean, the first thought when you see me isn’t that’s a scientist, it’s I wonder if her mommy
knows where she is.
Amy: I am really regretting that I got you a Happy Meal.
Bernadette: I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, and I don’t want to get sent back to square one because I’m pregnant.
Amy: I understand how you feel.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Amy: I wish there were some way I could make it better.
Bernadette: Well, you brought me French fries. That’s a start.
Amy: Uh, actually, I got you apple slices ’cause you’re pregnant.
Bernadette: Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald’s and gets fruit?
Amy: I’ll be right back.
Bernadette: And a chocolate shake.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.
Penny: Does he even like lemon bars?
Sheldon: Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.
Penny: Something happen at the meeting?
Sheldon: They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.
Penny: And you talked?
Sheldon: Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.
Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too.
Sheldon: Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.
Penny: Why would that make me feel better?
Sheldon: Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.
Penny: Okay. Never mind.
Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.
Penny: Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Penny: Well, it just slipped out. I feel terrible.
Sheldon: See, that’s exactly what happened to me, except that I said it on purpose, and I have no regrets.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Raj: Is it even possible to get this done in two months?
Howard: Well, maybe. I don’t know. We’ll have to work 12 hours a day, seven days a week.
Leonard: Which means I won’t be able to make Penny breakfast every day, and she’ll realize my brioche French toast was the only thing keeping her in the marriage.
Howard: I love your French toast.
Leonard: Oh, thanks, man.
Raj: So, why did you guys even agree to the deadline?
Howard: We didn’t. Sheldon did.
Raj: And you just let him?
Leonard: Well, the colonel said it was for the good of the country, and the funding is substantial.
Howard: No, but mostly, there was an awkward pause, and I broke it by saying okay.
Raj: So I guess I won’t be seeing you guys for a while.
Leonard: Oh, looks like it.
Raj: Wow. You’re going off to work with the military, leaving me behind. Now I know how all those army wives feel.
Howard: Would you stop? We’re just gonna be on the other side of campus.
Raj: And right here.
Howard: You are a deeply silly man.
Raj: He is so afraid of his feelings.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hi.
Bernadette: Got a minute?
Penny: Yeah, come on in.
Bernadette: I just wanted to apologize. I know what you did was an accident.
Penny: Oh, thank you, and I’m sorry I lied about it.
Bernadette: For what it’s worth, you’re a great liar.
Penny: Oh, that’s what Amy said. So what’s going on with the research project? Are they gonna let you run it?
Bernadette: Well, my boss said he hadn’t decided yet, so I gently reminded him that he’s an old rich white guy, and I’m a sweet little pregnant lady who’s not afraid to crying front of a jury.
Penny: You threatened to sue?
Bernadette: Hey, I learned a long time ago, when you’re four feet eleven and eye level with every guy’s crotch, that’s where you punch.
Penny: That’s funny. I learned something totally different.
Bernadette: Do you know what? It’s just a research project. The most important job in the world is gonna be raising this child. It’s all I need to give my life meaning.
Penny: Oh, that’s so beautiful.
Bernadette: You believe me? Oh, good. 11 more chumps like you, I’ll have the jury eating out of my hand.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Sheldon: I never realized this building was classified.
Howard: Maybe that’s because it’s classified.
Leonard: Wish we weren’t so far from my parking space.
Sheldon: The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.
Leonard: I’d like to reinstate the you-not-talking rule.
Sheldon: Why? It clearly doesn’t work.
Howard: I guess this is it.
Leonard: Is that a retinal scanner?
Howard: Let’s find out.
Scanner: Howard Wolowitz, access granted.
Leonard: No way.
Sheldon: Impressive.
Leonard: Oh, my turn, my turn.
Scanner: Leonard Hofstadter, access granted.
Leonard: I didn’t even have to take my glasses off/
Scanner (as Leonard and Sheldon try to fool it with one eye each): Access denied.
Leonard and Sheldon: It knows.
Howard: Oh, oh, oh, oh, guys, hold me upside down.
Scanner: Howard Wolowitz, access granted.
All: Yay.
Scene: The new laboratory.
Howard: It’s pretty late. You think I’ve got time to run some more simulations on the cooling system?
Leonard: Sure, I’m still figuring out the thermo-acoustic expander.
Sheldon: Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: It’s called sleep and it’s my bedtime. Nighty-night, y’all.
Howard: Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere.
Leonard: We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you.
Sheldon: I know, I was there.
Howard: Well, wake up, we’re gonna put in a lot of late nights.
Sheldon: How late?
Howard: Well, I don’t know, midnight, one.
Sheldon: One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.
Howard: If you’re tired, have some coffee.
Sheldon: What? You have some coffee.
Howard: I am having coffee.
Sheldon: And look how irritable it’s making you!
Leonard: Guys, we’re not gonna get anything done if we start fighting. Now, can you please try
to soldier through?
Sheldon: Fine. (Time passing montage) I don’t think I can go much longer.
Leonard: It’s been three and a half minutes, wake up.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I had a bad dream that my best friend became a tyrant and forced me to stay up all night to work.
Leonard: Oh, I had a good dream that when I carried you to bed, I let your head hit the wall and I laughed.
Penny: Good morning.
Leonard: What is this?
Amy: Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.
Leonard: Oh, that is so nice.
Sheldon: Ow, it does hurt.
Leonard: So, what are you guys gonna do today?
Amy: Well, Sheldon was supposed to go to this party with me this afternoon, but I don’t think that’s happening.
Sheldon: Oh, that was never happening.
Penny: Oh, I’ll go. I like a party.
Amy: Well, to be honest, it’s not like a party party, it’s more like a gathering where scientists of different disciplines get together to share their work and keep current on what’s going on in other fields. I don’t know why I called it a party, sorry.
Penny: It’s okay, I’ll still go.
Leonard: You don’t think you’ll be bored?
Penny: Oh, I’ll have some wine and listen to people go on about crap I don’t understand. I mean, how is it any different than every single day of my life?
Sheldon: I won’t be there.
Leonard: : Look at that, it is a party.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Sorry I have to work all weekend.
Bernadette: It’s okay.
Howard: Thanks again for breakfast.
Raj: Well, I didn’t get to see you last night. It was the least I could do.
Bernadette: You shouldn’t have made the alarm code his birthday.
Raj: So, what should we do today?
Bernadette: Oh, I appreciate it, but you don’t have to spend your day off with me.
Raj: Well, I don’t mind. Oh, you want go to the mall and look at baby stuff?
Bernadette: Not really.
Raj: Oh, come on, we could share a pretzel and get sideways glances from racist old ladies.
Bernadette: I get enough of that when I take Howard to my grandmother’s for Christmas.
Raj: Oh, I know, why don’t we get started on clearing out the baby’s room?
Bernadette: Isn’t it a little early for that?
Raj: You have to get to it eventually.
Bernadette: Oh, there’s so much junk in there, it’s embarrassing.
Raj: How can you be embarrassed around me? I’m gonna be in the room with you when you give birth.
Bernadette: I don’t think you are.
Raj: You didn’t think I was gonna be in your kitchen this morning, yet here I am.
Scene: In the university, Sheldon is asleep against a vending machine.
Voice: Psst, hey, kid.
Sheldon: Huh, what?
The Flash (the voice): You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it.
Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.
The Flash: Oh sorry, I thought you were cool.
Sheldon: I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.
The Flash: All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these.
Sheldon: Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?
The Flash: You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch.
Sheldon: I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.
The Flash: Here. It’s on the house.
Sheldon: The first one’s free? Flash, how do you stay in business?
The Flash: You want to know my secret? I bought stock in Marvel.
Scene: Bert’s apartment.
Amy: Hi, Bert. This is my friend, Penny.
Penny: Hi.
Bert: Hey, come on in. I’ll gonna go turn on some rock music. That’s a geology joke.
Amy: Bert’s a geologist.
Bert: And a joker.
Penny: How early are we?
Amy: Oh, actually, we’re an hour late.
Penny: I suddenly wish Sheldon was here.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s spare room.
Bernadette: I don’t even know where to begin.
Raj: Well, in The Sound of Music, Julie Andrews says let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
Bernadette: Oh, I was gonna start at the end. Thank God you’re here.
Raj: Well, I think the first thing we should get rid of is that tone.
Bernadette: Sorry. I should probably keep this in case we have a girl.
Raj: Oh, that’s a nice one. Was it yours when you were little?
Bernadette: My dad built it for me.
Raj: Wow, it’s so cute.
Bernadette: This was the husband and this was the wife. They’d go out on adventures together. Cruises, skiing, horseback riding. That was really me just duct taping them to our dog.
Raj: Oh, and did they have kids?
Bernadette: They did, but the mommy and daddy didn’t like them, so they shipped them off to an orphanage I made out of a shoebox.
Raj: Yeah, that’s not worrisome at all.
Bernadette: Not every girl dreams about being a mom. Sometimes you think you’re never gonna have kids and one day you wake up and you’re pregnant. And it doesn’t matter that your career’s going great right now and that you and your husband never even got to go anywhere taped to a dog.
Raj: I skipped spin class for this.
Scene: The lab.
Howard: Why is it taking him so long to get a drink out of a vending machine?
Leonard: Oh, it’s complicated. He finds pushing that little door and reaching up into the machine
uncomfortably intimate.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am ready to work. To quote The Martian, let’s science the faeces out of this. That’s The Martian the book and The Martian the movie, not Marvin the Martian. Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m fantastic, never been better. I had my first energy drink and I feel great. Hey, you guys want to wrestle? We can do arm, thumb, mud, sumo. Nah, we’re not fat enough, or wearing diapers.
Howard: You wanted him awake.
Scene: Bert’s apartment.
Penny: So should we talk to each other or mingle?
Amy: I don’t know where everyone is.
Penny: Yeah, I mean, I could see him eating one or two guests, but not a whole party.
Bert: Well, I guess this is kind of a bust. You don’t have to stay. I’m gonna start cleaning up.
Amy: Okay. I feel so bad about leaving him here.
Penny: Oh, it’s funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.
Bert: Hey, listen, could you not say anything about this to the people at the university? You know, ’cause you’re you and I’m me, and it’s kind of embarrassing.
Penny: Wait, what do you mean she’s her?
Bert: Well, you know how Amy’s the coolest girl on campus, right?
Penny: No.
Amy: No.
Bert: Oh yeah, everybody thinks so.
Penny: What? You tell me about your foot fungus, but this is a secret?
Amy: I’m sure it’s just ’cause I’m dating Sheldon.
Bert: Mm, actually, I think Sheldon’s popular because he’s dating you.
Penny: Now Sheldon’s popular? What is happening?
Scene: The lab.
Howard: Maybe we should break for lunch. What time is it?
Leonard: According to the world’s worst cuckoo clock, it’s two.
Sheldon: My head hurts and I’m more tired than ever.
Howard: Why don’t you just go home?
Sheldon: No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I want another one.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency.
Leonard: You only had one.
Sheldon: No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.
Howard: You can’t develop a problem that fast.
Sheldon: You want to bet? Oh, great, now I’m addicted to gambling.
Leonard: We can’t afford to lose any more time.
Howard: Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?
Leonard: That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Yes, of course.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.
Howard: No worries.
Sheldon: You guys stink.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Sorry I flipped out on you. I think it’s just hormones.
Raj: I think you were mean before you were pregnant, but it’s fine. So, uh, instead of cleaning out the room, why don’t we just decide on a theme for the nursery?
Bernadette: Does it really need one?
Raj: Of course it does. Didn’t your baby room have a theme?
Bernadette: Well, it doubled as my dad’s office, and he was a cop, so I guess the theme was bloody homicide photos.
Raj: Oh. Mine was Winnie the Pooh. But anyway, why don’t we just take a step back and start with a colour? Right? There are so many amazing ones. Red, blue, green, purple.
Bernadette: Are you just gonna name all the colours?
Raj: Well, not now.
Bernadette: I don’t care what colour the room is.
Raj: Okay, well, I’m just trying to help you.
Bernadette: Well, you’re not, so just drop it. (Off) I’m clearly upset. Why aren’t you following me?
Raj: Sorry. Sorry.
Scene: Bert’s apartment.
Bert: And when Amy started using a solution of chromic acid and white vinegar to clean all her lab equipment, all of a sudden, everybody was doing it.
Penny: You trend setter.
Amy: Just the right idea at the right time.
Penny: Okay, okay, so Amy’s cool, Sheldon’s cool. Tell me about Leonard.
Bert: Who?
Penny: Leonard Hofstadter.
Bert: Oh, him. I guess he’s all right. Apparently he tricked some hot girl into marrying him.
Penny: That’s me, I’m her. You know, he didn’t trick me, he just wore me down.
Bert: It makes sense you two are friends. I mean, hot girls always stick together.
Amy: And you thought this wasn’t gonna be a great party.
Penny: You know, I had no idea Caltech is exactly like my high school.
Amy: Well, it’s not exactly like it. We’re all extremely smart.
Penny: Wow, you popular girls are mean.
Scene: The lab.
Leonard: I’m gonna get some coffee. You want some?
Sheldon: Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track?
Leonard: Uh, okay, let’s pretend you do have a problem.
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: You don’t.
Sheldon: Yeah, but I do.
Leonard: No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it?
Sheldon: With what?
Leonard: Your problem.
Sheldon: I thought I didn’t have a problem.
Howard: That was painful to watch.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Raj: So where are we going?
Bernadette: I don’t know.
Raj: Okay. How Thelma and Louise of us.
Bernadette: Raj, why don’t I care about anything?
Raj: I’m sorry?
Bernadette: It’s my baby. I, I should care about nurseries and colours, and I don’t. What’s wrong with me?
Raj: Well, crime-scene photos near your crib spring to mind.
Bernadette: I keep waiting to feel excited, but it’s not happening. What if it never happens?
Raj: Bernadette, come on, look, you’re overthinking this, okay? You’re gonna be an amazing mom. Even if you don’t believe it, I know you have maternal instincts.
Bernadette: Once, I was supposed to babysit my brothers. Our neighbour found them naked in the backyard eating crickets.
Raj: Happy and well-fed. You see, that’s what I’m taking from that story.
Scene: The lab.
Sheldon: Leonard, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Is it about the rotational symmetries you should be figuring out or your fake caffeine problem?
Sheldon: Howard, can I ask you a question?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…
Leonard: Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care.
Sheldon: You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.
Leonard: Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it.
Sheldon: I can’t.
Leonard: Yes, you can.
Sheldon: No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.
Leonard: Seriously?
Sheldon: I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.
Leonard: It’s okay, we’ll figure something out.
Sheldon: But what if we can’t?
Leonard: It’ll be fine. You’ll see. Sheldon? Buddy? (Sheldon snores)
Howard: When the baby gets here, you gotta teach me that.
Bert’s apartment.
Amy: Thank you so much, Bert. This was great.
Bert: My pleasure. You girls want to take home a two-gallon tub of potato salad?
Amy: I think we’re good.
Bert: Okay, well, thanks for coming by. You’re nice people.
Penny: Well, so are you. In fact, you know what? We will never take you for granite. Did you get that? Granite? A little geology joke.
Bert: You need to leave. I’m in love with both of you now.
Penny: Okay.
Amy: Bye.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Raj: Uh, pull over.
Bernadette: What? Why? Who are you calling? You’re gonna rat me out to Howard, aren’t you? You’re such a snitch, no wonder I don’t like you.
Raj: Whoa, I’m calling my dad, okay? He’s got experience dealing with pregnant ladies because he’s an OBGYN. And experience with crazy ladies because of my mom.
Dr Koothrapalli (on facetime): Hello, Rajesh. Are you calling to ask for money?
Raj: What? No.
Dr Koothrapalli: Are you calling to ask for things that cost money?
Raj: No.
Dr Koothrapalli: Great. What’s up?
Raj: This is my friend, Bernadette. She’s pregnant, and she’s a bit worried, so I thought maybe you could talk to her.
Dr Koothrapalli: Of course. What seems to be the trouble?
Bernadette: Something’s wrong. I don’t care about any of the baby stuff every other mom is so into. Honestly, I’m not even sure I like babies.
Dr Koothrapalli: Look, some people are baby people, and some people are not baby people. It doesn’t mean you won’t love your own baby.
Bernadette: But I thought I’d be more excited.
Dr Koothrapalli: Oh, being excited isn’t a guarantee of anything. Rajesh’s mother was thrilled when she was pregnant with him. After he was born, she doted on his every move. And you know what happened? He broke her heart, moved halfway around the world, and dates only poor white women. So you never know.
Bernadette: Thank you. I feel better now.
Raj: Well I don’t.
Dr Koothrapalli: Good. Bernadette, I hope you have a daughter.
Scene: Colonel Williams’ office.
Leonard: Um, I don’t really know how to say this.
Colonel Williams: Well, you could try starting with sir.
Leonard: Right. Sorry, sir.
Sheldon: He said start with it, not end with it.
Leonard: Sir.
Colonel Williams: Hmm?
Howard: We’ve hit a bit of a snag. We’re already behind schedule.
Sheldon: The computations required to overcome the deployability issues are more significant than we thought.
Leonard: I understand that we’re under contract, and I don’t know what the consequences of violating that are, but, uh, we’re not gonna be able to deliver in the time we promised.
Colonel Williams: How long do you need?
Howard: We, we’re thinking, two years.
Colonel Williams: All right.
Howard: That’s it? You’re okay with that?
Colonel Williams: What, you think you’re the first government contractor who isn’t gonna deliver on time? We’re still waiting for a big space laser Reagan ordered to beat the commies.
Leonard: Thanks for understanding, sir.
Howard: Yes, thank you so much.
Sheldon: We, we really appreciate it.
Leonard (off): All right, pressure’s off
Howard (off): Wanna see a movie?
Sheldon (off): Popcorn’s on me.
Scene: The foyer.
Amy: And there was water everywhere, it was such a mess.
Leonard: That stinks. How long are you out of the apartment?
Amy: About five weeks.
Penny: Ugh, did you lose anything valuable?
Amy: Well, the pipe was over my closet, so all my clothes are gone.
Penny: Oh, so nothing. Great. Do they know why the pipe burst?
Amy: They didn’t say.
Leonard: Buildings that have a combination of copper and galvanized steel are susceptible to pinholes and corrosion caused by the mobility of ions in the water. Can’t have your head shoved in a toilet as much as I did and not pick up a few things about plumbing.
Penny: Well, if you need a place to crash, you can stay with us.
Amy: Really?
Penny: Of course. You can stay in Leonard’s room, and we’ll stay at my place.
Amy: You’re sure that’s not an inconvenience?
Penny: No, not at all.
Leonard: And we live with Sheldon, so the word inconvenience has really lost all meaning.
Amy: So, technically, I’d be moving in with my boyfriend?
Penny: I guess so. And I’d finally get to live alone with my husband.
Amy: Oh, my, this is a big step.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. For two of us, it’s in the right direction.
Sheldon: Why are you all smiling like crazy people?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Cohabitation with my girlfriend? That’s a great deal to process.
Leonard: It’s only for five weeks.
Penny: Yeah, and we’ll be right across the hall.
Amy: What do you think?
Sheldon: I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?
Penny: Okay, you guys had sex one whole time. Nothing can put out a fire like that.
Sheldon: Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven.
Leonard: You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months.
Amy: Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?
Sheldon: Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.
Leonard: Okay. Star Trek, the original series, the Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.
Sheldon: If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it.
Penny: Don’t be proud of that.
Amy: So, is that a yes?
Sheldon: Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.
Penny: Well, where would you go?
Sheldon: Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste.
Leonard: And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914
Penny: Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here?
Sheldon: Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.
Leonard: That’s a good question. Maybe just don’t come over.
Sheldon: Historically, I don’t do well with change.
Penny: Okay, it won’t be that bad. We wouldn’t even sit in your spot while you’re gone.
Sheldon: You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.
Leonard: Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone.
Amy: Sheldon, what do you think?
Sheldon: Very well. I’m on board.
Amy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh. This is so exciting.
Sheldon: Well, now, don’t be surprised if, like Star Trek, it’s cancelled in three.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Raj: I have to say, I am happy with your OBGYN.
Howard: Cool. ‘Cause she says you’re doing a great job as weird friend who doesn’t have to be at every appointment.
Raj: I’m the son of a gynaecologist. I could be helpful.
Bernadette: It would help if you stopped telling me I have a textbook cervix.
Raj: The polite response is, thank you for noticing.
Bernadette: Let me see the sonogram again. Oh, yeah, that’s a good-looking baby for a little grey blob.
Howard: Yeah, we could name him Blobert.
Bernadette: What if it’s a girl?
Howard: Bloberta. Or Blobbi with an I.
Bernadette: Are we being silly not finding out the sex?
Howard: Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.
Raj: If you want, you can find out right now.
Howard: Mm.
Bernadette: Hmm. The doctor’s gone for the day, so it doesn’t matter.
Raj: Well, somebody else knows because they saw it in the folder.
Bernadette: You looked in our folder?!
Raj: It was an accident. The doctor left the folder out on her desk. It’s not my fault I opened it and looked.
Howard: So you know the sex of our baby, and we don’t?
Raj: Flip a coin. You got a fifty-fifty shot.
Howard: It’s unbelievable.
Bernadette: God, Raj.
Raj: What? This is not a problem, okay? If you don’t want to know, I don’t have to tell you.
Bernadette: We don’t want you to know.
Raj: Okay, well, that’s a problem.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You know, I’m very proud of you for trying to live with Amy.
Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.
Penny: That was a cute story. So, um, what did you want to ask me?
Sheldon: Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?
Penny: Mm. Well, the biggie is, if she has an insane roommate, kick him out as soon as possible.
Sheldon: You know, Leonard and I were very happy before you came along.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: You’ve been roommates with Sheldon forever. Do you have any advice?
Leonard: I’m trying to think of an answer that won’t stop you from doing this.
Cutting between Penny’s apartment and Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment.
Penny: I know it sounds like a cliché, but compromise is key.
Leonard: Never leave a belt on the floor. At night, they look like snakes.
Penny: Do little things, like bring her a cup of coffee in bed.
Leonard: Keep M&M’S in your pocket in case you have to wait in a long line.
Penny: You’re gonna be seeing each other a lot, so respect each other’s personal space.
Leonard: He startles easily, so, please, no flash photography.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon: How many pairs of underwear did you pack for the move?
Amy: I don’t know. I didn’t count.
Sheldon: You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant.
Amy: That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that?
Sheldon: Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.
Amy: Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it.
Sheldon: Okay. Talk.
Amy: Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations.
Sheldon: Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it.
Amy: Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it.
Sheldon: You’re really okay with that?
Amy: I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too.
Sheldon: This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.
Amy: Good call. Seeing your Teen Titans underwear really got my motor running.
Sheldon: I know. They probably shouldn’t sell those to children.
Scene: The hallway.
Penny: Well, here’s your key.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: Enjoy having the place to yourselves.
Leonard: You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Sheldon: It’s Penny’s bedroom. Plenty of men have gone before.
Penny: Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional.
Amy: Shall we?
Sheldon: I guess this is it.
Leonard: You guys have fun.
Sheldon: You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.
Penny: Yeah, you wrote it on my hand.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.
Leonard: I’m on it. 15 years from now, we’ll make guacamole together.
Sheldon: Leonard, please, let me go.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Bye.
Leonard: Good night.
Penny: Good night.
Amy: Well, that’s it. For the next five weeks, we are officially living together.
Sheldon: I guess the experiment begins.
Penny (off, screaming): Wa-how, we did it.
Leonard (off, also screaming): Yeah.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Which side of the bed would you prefer?
Amy: Doesn’t matter to me. Your choice.
Sheldon: No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.
Amy: Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want.
Sheldon: Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.
Amy: Well, I’m not refusing. I’m just trying to be considerate.
Sheldon: Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?
Amy: Sheldon, will you please just pick a side?
Sheldon: Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.
Amy: Great. That’s your side.
Sheldon: No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.
Amy: Okay, I’ll take that side.
Sheldon: Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?
Amy: Rising rapidly.
Sheldon: Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.
Amy: Okay. What if we do this?
Sheldon: I suppose that works.
Amy: Great.
Sheldon: Although now I’m kind of worried someone’s hiding behind those drapes.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: This is ridiculous. The doctor knows what the baby is, the ultrasound tech knows, Raj knows, his Grey’s Anatomy online fan group probably knows. Is it weird we don’t?
Howard: I don’t know. Maybe the surprise will make it more fun. Like magic tricks. Remember how disappointed you were when I explained the never-ending hanky?
Bernadette: I was disappointed to see the man I was engaged to pulling rainbow scarves out of his fly.
Howard: But how delightful was it when I pulled out a bouquet at the end of those scarves? It’ll be the same thing when the doctor pulls a beautiful surprise out of you.
Bernadette: Everyone said I could do better.
Howard: But you didn’t listen, and presto change-o, my baby’s inside you. Ta-da.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Amy (off): Ugh. What is that? (Entering) Why did you switch sides?
Sheldon: Be grateful I’m still in the room.
Amy: Comfy?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.
Amy: Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling.
Sheldon: Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.
Amy: Sheldon, I’ve made more than enough accommodations for you. We’re both grown adults, we’ve been far more intimate than this. If you don’t want to snuggle, fine, but we’re not building a pillow wall.
Sheldon: Okay, well, I am sorry. I’m just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat, I’m surprised there aren’t iguanas lying on it.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: That’s it. It’s Sheldon’s bedtime, he is in for the night.
Penny: Wow. I cannot believe we are alone in our own apartment.
Leonard: It’s weird. This must be how parents feel when their kid goes off to college. Unless they feel sad, then it’s different.
Penny: So, what do you want to do?
Leonard: I know exactly what we are gonna do.
Penny: Really? You’re a genius, and that’s the first thing you come up with?
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon’s not here, so we are going to put on music and dance in our underwear.
Penny: Ugh. Can we just have sex?
Leonard: Oh, don’t worry. Once you see my sweet moves, sex is inevitable.
Penny: Inevitable, you say?
Leonard: I’ll just let my hips do the talkin’.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: Screw it. I’m calling and finding out.
Bernadette: Good. Call him. Wait, I’m not sure I want to know.
Howard: But you just said you wanted to know.
Bernadette: Well, now I don’t know if I want to know!
Raj: Hello?
Howard: Call you back.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Sheldon: No, Dr. Feynman. If I solve it for you, you’ll never learn.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Wow, where did you learn these moves?
Leonard: The world may have forgotten about Dance Dance Revolution, but not this smooth criminal.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: Okay, you’re positive you want to know?
Bernadette: Yes.
Howard: Okay. Here we go. It’s ringing.
Raj: Hello?
Bernadette: Wait.
Howard: Wrong number.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I told you not to do the worm.
Leonard: You were right.
Scene: Raj’s bedroom. Phone rings.
Raj: Hello.
Bernadette (off): I changed my mind, hang up, hang up.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Amy: Oh, oh, oh.
Sheldon: What are you doing down there?
Amy: Hang on.
Sheldon: Who are you calling? Aaargh!
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I’m so sore. I don’t think I slept two minutes last night.
Penny: Yeah, get it, girl.
Amy: It’s not what you think.
Leonard: I feel like I pulled something. Why didn’t you tell me to stop?
Penny: Even more not what you think.
Amy: I don’t know if I can make it through five weeks living with him.
Leonard: If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?
Amy: Miserable and exhausted.
Sheldon: Really? I slept great.
Amy: Well, I didn’t, and it’s your fault.
Sheldon: How? You had the whole floor to yourself.
Amy: Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea.
Sheldon: Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?
Amy: The kind who almost put a pillow over your face last night.
Sheldon: Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.
Amy: I’m sorry, are you questioning my integrity as a scientist?
Sheldon: If the lab room disposable shoe cover fits.
Penny: Was that a science diss?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Was it a good one?
Leonard: Eh.
Penny: Oh.
Amy: What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables.
Sheldon: How dare you?
Amy: Oh, you heard me. Your experimental bona fides are laughable.
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa! Now you’re making fun of my bona fides?
Amy: Can’t make fun of something that’s a null set.
Penny: I feel like I should say damn.
Leonard: Do it.
Penny: Damn.
Sheldon: Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.
Amy: Well, for science, maybe I will.
Sheldon: For science, maybe you should.
Amy: Fine.
Sheldon: Fine.
Amy: Good.
Sheldon: Great.
Amy: Do you want to go to our place and make out?
Sheldon: Does Stephen Hawking roll through the quad?
Penny: The new neighbours are weird.
Following a previously on scene…
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, I’m confused. Which one is Mr. Robot?
Leonard: I’ll give you a hint. We’re watching Daredevil.
Sheldon: Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule?
Penny: Can’t.
Leonard: Won’t.
Penny: Didn’t.
Leonard: Don’t.
Amy: I told you, you can’t regulate every aspect of our lives.
Sheldon: I can if you’d just roll over and accept your fate.
Amy: I’m sorry for bringing this over here.
Penny: Believe me, we know what you’re going through.
Leonard: And I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.
Penny: She’s right. That’s reasonable.
Sheldon: Oh, look who’s in favour of compromise, the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hey, she didn’t compromise. She settled. There’s a difference.
Penny: Yeah. You tell him, babe.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: What time do you and Bernadette head out?
Howard: As soon as I get home. We’re hoping to make it before dark.
Raj: I’ve never been to Palm Springs.
Stuart: Oh, you should go. It’s terrific. I really thrive anywhere the women and the temperature are over 90.
Raj: I don’t know. If I want to watch old people sweat, I can just FaceTime my family in India.
Stuart: It’s nice you and Bernadette are getting away.
Howard: Well, she wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.
Stuart: So then what are you doing here buying comic books?
Howard: Well, he wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: When you live with someone, there’s gonna be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.
Sheldon: Well I’m open to that.
Amy: Okay. Well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.
Penny: Sheldon, what do you say to that?
Sheldon: I think we should see other people.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.
Amy: We sleep together once a year. You want other partners?
Sheldon: Don’t blame me. Blame your pal, biology. He’s the pervert pulling the strings here.
Amy: You wanna see other people? Go see other people.
Penny: I hope one of those people is a monkey, ’cause this is bananas.
Leonard: Hey, you can make jokes, but if this keeps up, he’s gonna move back in here.
Penny: All right. Well, let’s just get them apart for a while so they can cool down.
Leonard: Good. Then before we reintroduce them, we’ll give him one of her sweaters so he can get used to her scent again.
Penny: So it’s okay for you to joke around?
Leonard: No, that’s actually what we did with him when Howard came back from space.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: Honey, how ya feeling? (Sound of Bernadette vomiting violently) The book says at this stage of the pregnancy morning sickness should be going away. (More vomiting) So that’s good news, right?
Bernadette (pff): The only thing I hate more than you right now is that book.
Howard: There she is. Who’s ready for a hot, three-hour car ride to the desert?
Bernadette: Next vomit is gonna be in your lap.
Howard: I’m sorry. We don’t have to go.
Bernadette: But it’s our last chance to take a vacation that’s just the two of us.
Howard: How ’bout we stay here? We don’t even have to tell anyone. It’ll be like a secret vacation at home.
Bernadette: Keeping secrets from our friends, it does sound kinda fun.
Howard: Does it sound sexy?
Bernadette: You just heard me throwing up.
Howard: You bet I did.
Bernadette: You’re so weird.
Howard: You know what’s weird? How turned on you are right now.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.
Penny: Just as challenging?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: As you?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Just as challenging as you?
Sheldon: When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto
and headed for the storm cellar.
Penny: Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal.
Sheldon: She’s always complaining about people at work.
Penny: Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.
Sheldon: Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?
Penny: You know, so does Leonard. Can’t I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? Hey-hey-hey.
Sheldon: I know. Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.
Penny: Agreed. Thank you.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: That feels great.
Howard: Well, pulling a quarter out of your ear isn’t the only magic these hands can do. In fact, what’s this between your toes?
Bernadette: Can you please stop making money come out of me for two minutes? Was that the front door?
Howard: It sounded like it. Oh, my God. Someone’s in the house.
Bernadette: Lock the door, lock the door.
Howard: We should call the police.
Bernadette: Uh, I left my phone downstairs.
Howard: Damn, so did I.
Bernadette: Wait, I have my iPad.
Howard: What are we gonna do, e-mail 911?
Bernadette: That’s not helpful.
Howard: You know I rely on humour in times of stress.
Bernadette: Let me know when you start, because that wasn’t funny.
Howard: Is that the hot tub?
Bernadette: Who would use our hot tub?
Howard: Well, the answer is both more and less disturbing than you think.
Bernadette: Who is it?
Howard: Stuart. He heard me talking about us going away. I guess he decided to invite himself over?
Bernadette: Should we say something to him?
Howard: Maybe. How ’bout, hey, you look like a boiled chicken breast?
Bernadette: I meant like, what are you doing here?
Howard: Nah, that’s not gonna hurt his feelings.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Why is nothing easy with him?
Leonard: Look, here’s the thing you need to understand about Sheldon. He’s the worst.
Amy: I prefer to think of it as high-maintenance.
Leonard: I prefer to think of myself as five-ten, but I still need to get all my pants hemmed.
Amy: I guess I should have known what I was getting myself into.
Leonard: Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve never lived with anyone before.
Amy: That’s true.
Leonard: And you’re starting out with Sheldon Cooper. That’s like getting your first pet and having it be, I don’t know, what’s a kind of pet that ruins your life?
Amy: You’re not making me feel better.
Leonard: Look, even when Penny and I started living together, there was a learning curve. But I promise you, it does get easier.
Amy: He put a sign up in the bathroom that says, number of days without Amy’s hair on the soap.
Leonard: Yeah. My record was six.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Bernadette: Is it me, or is there something fun about watching him just float there?
Howard: Maybe this is why people get fish tanks. Who just turned the porch lights on?
Bernadette: Is someone else here?
Raj: Hmm. They must have left the tub on. Good thing I stopped by. Ah. Aaaaah! What are you doing here?
Stuart: What are you doing here?
Raj: Maybe Howard and Bernadette said I could be here.
Stuart: Did they?
Raj: Answer the question, what are you doing here?
Stuart: I had nothing else to do tonight. The last couple of months, I come here when I know they’re not home.
Bernadette: What?
Stuart: They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought I was a raccoon.
Bernadette: I told you raccoons don’t say uh-oh.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny: You know, one night, Leonard’s nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track.
Sheldon: Have you noticed it’s always an A-flat?
Penny: Is it? Oh. It’s like his sinuses are right here in the car.
Sheldon: If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.
Penny: Yeah, I’ll take you for ice cream.
Sheldon: Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.
Penny: Oh, please, you’re barely interested in a physical relationship with one person. Why would you want to confuse and disappoint others?
Sheldon: Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, hubba hubba, like any other guy.
Penny: You kiss your mother with that mouth? ‘Cause it’s fine.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: Here you go.
Stuart: Thank you.
Raj: Shall we toast?
Stuart: To Howard and Bernadette, and the house key they never asked me to return.
Bernadette: You said you got it back.
Howard: Well, clearly, I lied.
Raj: So how’s your apartment?
Stuart: Not great. The electricity’s out.
Raj: So why don’t you get it fixed?
Stuart: I called, and they’re like, pay your bill.
Raj: If you ever need somewhere to crash, there’s always my place.
Stuart: Oh, no. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. You’ve got all your lady friends, and…
Raj: Actually, I’m single now.
Stuart: What? When did that happen?
Raj: It’s okay. It’s by choice. Well, their choice, and it’s not okay.
Stuart: Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know.
Raj: Nobody does. I was embarrassed so I didn’t say anything.
Bernadette: Why wouldn’t he tell us? Are we bad friends?
Howard: He’s in our hot tub drinking our wine.
Bernadette: Yeah, he deserves to be alone.
Stuart: So you’re back out on the dating scene now?
Raj: Yeah, yeah, a little.
Stuart: Oh, that must be fun. How’s that going?
Raj: I’m in a hot tub with you, so pretty bad.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Maybe I should just give in to his stupid bathroom schedule.
Leonard: No, don’t do that.
Amy: But you did.
Leonard: Exactly. Learn from my mistakes. No matter where I am at 7:18am, there better be a toilet nearby.
Amy: It’s just so much easier to give him what he wants.
Leonard: Oh, true, but think of how much you’ve accomplished. Who got him to stop Purelling his pocket change?
Amy: Me.
Leonard: And who got him to put things other than gloves in the glove compartment?
Amy: Me. It was mittens.
Leonard: And who got him to try a turkey dog?
Amy: That was actually Koothrappali, but I did let him spit it out in my hand.
Leonard: How can you stop now? That’s like walking out of Pinocchio right before he becomes a real boy.
Amy: You know, you’re right. I’m in this relationship, too. I need to stand up for myself.
Leonard: Of course you do.
Amy: And if he doesn’t like it, he can move back here.
Leonard: Oh. He can try. He’d just need a good locksmith.
Scene: An ice-cream parlour.
Penny: Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That’s your favourite.
Sheldon: No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry.
Penny: What about the girl behind the counter?
Sheldon: Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.
Penny: Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone?
Sheldon: You are truly wise.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.
Penny: All right. Come on. What is really going on with you?
Sheldon: Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.
Penny: Not relating. Go on.
Sheldon: I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.
Penny: Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay.
Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.
Penny: Oh, that’s awful.
Sheldon: I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first
one’s traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.
Penny: Well, what happened with your dad?
Sheldon: We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.
Penny: You poor thing.
Sheldon: Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.
Penny: And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did?
Sheldon: Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.
Penny: Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women.
Sheldon: Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.
Penny: Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now?
Sheldon: I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you. Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.
Penny: Just finish your ice cream so I can get you home to bed.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Raj: I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Bernadette’s baby.
Stuart: I don’t know. Bernadette’s baby doesn’t have a Jacuzzi jet hitting just the right spot.
Howard: Those jets are for my secret spot, not his.
Bernadette: What do you do in there?
Howard: It’s called relaxing, and that’s all you need to know.
Raj: Well, it’s getting late. Maybe we should head home.
Stuart: Yeah, you’re probably right.
Raj: You coming?
Stuart: Yeah, just give me a minute.
Raj: Why?
Stuart: Well, you know how you’re wearing a bathing suit?
Raj: Yeah?
Stuart: I kind of went the other way.
Howard: You jackasses just bought yourselves a hot tub!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What do you think?
Amy: It’s a nice enough spot. You know, if I’m going to start standing up for myself, this is exactly the kind of thing…
Penny: We’re back.
Amy: Oh, hi. Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: How you guys doing?
Penny: We’re doing good. I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.
Sheldon: I wanted to apologize for my behaviour today. It, it was unnecessary. This is warm. Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.
Amy: Oh. Really?
Leonard: Why does she get that? We never got that.
Penny: Do you want him back?
Leonard: I’m very happy for you.
Sheldon: Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level.
Scene: Amy and Sheldon’s bathroom.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, will you share this toothbrush holder with me?
Amy: I would love to.
Leonard: Did we really need to be here for this?
Penny: Call me crazy, but I found it moving.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, have you ever heard of the Van Nuys Comic-Con?
Leonard: ‭Yeah. It’s a dinky little convention where they sell collectibles and get sad D-list celebrities to appear. Why?
Penny: I got asked to sign autographs there.
Leonard: That’s awesome. Is this for Serial Ape-ist?
Penny: Well, it could be for the monkey movie. It could be my haemorrhoid commercial. The list does not go on.
Leonard: When is it?
Penny: It doesn’t matter. I’m not doing it.
Leonard: What? Why not?
Penny: You just said yourself, it’s sad.
Leonard: Yeah, but it’s not pathetic, that’s where I draw the line. Come on, we’ll have fun.
Penny: I don’t know.
Leonard: You’ll have nerds fawning all over you. If you don’t love that, this marriage is in trouble.
Penny: I guess it wouldn’t hurt to meet some fans and make a little extra money.
Leonard: Yeah. Wow, An appearance by George Lucas… ‘s dermatologist. Oh, I want that autograph.
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.
Sheldon: We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.
Amy: You know what I meant.
Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.
Amy: I’m sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That’s called teamwork.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: That’s a kick. That’s an actual kick.
Bernadette: What are you doing?
Howard: I felt a kick. There’s a baby in there.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, that’s where I put it.
Howard: Oh, I mean, I know you’re pregnant. I just never connected the idea of pregnancy and you actually having a baby.
Bernadette: Which MIT did you go to?
Howard: Oh, God, we are not ready to have an infant in this house. We don’t have a crib, we don’t have diapers, we’re not baby-proofed. Anyone can just walk in off the street and lift our toilet lids!
Bernadette: Howie, we have time to do all that stuff.
Howard: Do we? Look at you. Willy Wonka would roll you to the juicing room.
Bernadette: The next person kicking you will be me. Good night.
Howard: Are we even in a good school…? Ow!
Bernadette: I warned you, and I did it.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: What’s all this?
Leonard: Oh, everything we need for your autograph session, head shots, markers.
Penny: Okay. Leonard, it’s sweet you’re excited about this, but it’ll be a miracle if one person asks for my autograph.
Leonard: Are you kidding? I once paid twenty dollars for Theo Sassler’s signature.
Penny: Who’s that?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t even know. I just liked his name. Theo Sassler. Okay, and look at this. I even got a change maker. How much change you want, little lady?
Penny: Oh, there’s so much I want to change.
Leonard: Yeah, well, if it’s a dollar, you’re in luck.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: What’s going on here?
Sheldon: You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.
Amy: Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming?
Sheldon: Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.
Amy: You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor?
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.
Amy: That’s an odd mix of people.
Sheldon: Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.
Amy: You never went into that haunted house.
Sheldon: You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.
Amy: Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.
Amy: Well, that’s not a surprise at all. I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises, I would have
expected the surprise, and therefore not have been surprised, but as it is, I didn’t know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.
Sheldon: Don’t get me all randy. Guests are on the way.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Hi.
Bernadette: Hey, where you been?
Howard: Oh, we went and did a little shopping for the baby.
Raj: Wait till you see the crib we found.
Bernadette: You bought a crib without me?
Howard: You’re gonna love it.
Raj: Yeah, it’s the highest rated one on the market. I wouldn’t even call it a crib, I’d call it a Fortress of Solitude for babies.
Bernadette: Sounds expensive.
Howard: Okay, well, I may have gone a bit overboard, but you can’t put a price on safety.
Raj: Though if you did, it’s more zeroes than you’re expecting.
Howard: But it’s the safest crib you can buy. And if you don’t like it, we can return it.
Bernadette: Fine.
Howard: In our new minivan. Hey, what’s for lunch?
Bernadette: You bought a minivan?
Howard: It’s for the baby, and I didn’t buy it. The dealer loaned it to me for a 24-hour test drive.
Raj: Though we did ding up the back pretty good with the crib, so you might have bought a minivan.
Bernadette: I don’t want to drive that. It’s such a mom car.
Howard: The guy at the dealership said they’re not just for moms anymore.
Raj: Then again, he did think you were my husband.
Bernadette: They thought it at the ultrasound, why not at the car dealership?
Scene: The Comic-con.
Leonard: Never been on this side of the table before. I feel powerful.
Penny: Really? I feel like I’m selling candy so our team can get new uniforms.
Leonard: Okay, so it’s four seventy-five for a signed black-and-white and nine ninety-five for a colour.
Penny: Alright, why not five and ten bucks?
Leonard: Well, I brought my moneymaker. Let me shake it.
Penny: Hey, that guy’s looking over here.
Leonard: Oh. You think he’s your first autograph?
Penny: I don’t know. Be cool. He’s coming. He’s coming. Hi.
Guy: Hi. I love your movie.
Penny: Well, thanks.
Guy: It has got to be one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in my life.
Penny: Your love confuses me.
Leonard: Would you like an autograph?
Guy: Sure.
Penny: Okay. Who do I make it out to?
Guy: Daniel.
Penny: Okay.
Daniel: I have to ask. Were you trying to be that bad, or are you just a terrible actress?
Penny: That did not clear things up.
Leonard: That’ll be four seventy-five.
Daniel: Keep the change.
Leonard: But I-I-I, oh. Nothing about that was good.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: There’s nothing to be afraid of, Sheldon.
Sheldon: The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.
Amy: Been 15 minutes. Just sayin’.
Sheldon: Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up.
Bert: I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa.
Amy: How old was it
Bert: It’s hard to say. I don’t remember much after I drank it.
Sheldon: Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?
Mrs Petrescu: Yes. Drink is fun and good friends, Applebee’s.
Sheldon: She’s learning English from TV.
Mrs Petrescu: TV, good. Now back to you.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Amy: Hi, Stuart.
Stuart: These are for you.
Amy: Oh, they’re pretty. Thank you.
Sheldon: Stuart, this is Bert from the Caltech geology lab, and this is Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.
Stuart: Nice to meet you.
Mrs Petrescu: Hello.
Bert: Hey.
Stuart: So, what did I miss?
Bert: Eh, we watched Sheldon try to open a bottle for 15 minutes.
Mrs Petrescu: 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance.
Stuart: Anybody else coming to this thing?
Scene: The Comic-con.
Penny: What’s your name?
Jeff: Jeff.
Penny: Okay.
Jeff: My favourite part is your shower scene.
Penny: Been hearing that a lot today.
Jeff: I even have a screen grab on my phone.
Penny: Yep, there they are.
Leonard: Okay, let’s keep it moving.
Penny: Here you go.
Leonard: Should’ve punched that guy.
Penny: Well, go ahead. He’s right over there.
Leonard: Why do you do that? Can’t you let me have my moment?
Penny: Hello.
Awkward guy: Hi. I like your movies.
Penny: Thank you.
Awkward guy: I saw both of them.
Penny: I assume we’re still talking about the movies, but after today, who knows.
Awkward guy: You think I could get a picture of us?
Penny: Oh, sure.
Awkward guy: And, uh, could you be giving me a kiss?
Leonard: No. She cannot kiss. What is wrong with you people?
Penny: Leonard…
Leonard: No, no, no. It’s not okay.
Awkward guy: Who are you?
Leonard: I’m her husband.
Awkward guy: No, you’re not.
Leonard: I am.
Penny: Yeah, he really is.
Awkward guy: No.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s garage.
Howard: It’s got a rearview camera, there’s a DVD player, oh, and check this out. It’s like we’re living in the future.
Raj: Hey, show her the trunk. Show her the trunk.
Howard: Imagine this, you’ve got the baby in one hand, groceries in the other, and you’re thinking, how am I gonna open this trunk?
Bernadette: I’m probably thinking, where’s my husband, and why isn’t he helping me?
Howard: You don’t need my help when you can open the trunk with a simple kick of the foot.
Raj: No, it’s a gentle kick, you’re doing it wrong. Here. Give me those.
Howard: Uh, maybe it was more of a circle?
Bernadette: It’s weird that guy thought you were a couple.
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Yes.
Howard: See? Easy. And look at all this cargo space. Now we’ll get the crib out and you can take it for a test-drive. I’m telling you, this van is gonna be… uuh-uuh, uuh-uuh.
Bernadette: Oh, is it your back?
Howard: Oh, yeah, oh, anyway, let’s just get in and see if the GPS can take us to the nearest emergency room.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: So until Amy’s apartment is fixed, she and I are living here together.
Bert: I lived with my old girlfriend. She was a geologist, too.
Amy: Things didn’t work out?
Bert: I came home from work one day and she had taken everything. I’m warning you, hide your good rocks.
Mrs Petrescu: My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven.
Stuart: Really, no one else is coming?
Sheldon: This is it. You are the practice round.
Stuart: Practice round? For-for what?
Amy: Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of.
Sheldon: You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.
Stuart: So, I’m like a lab rat before your real friends come over?
Sheldon: Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.
Amy: Stuart, you know you’re one of our favourite people.
Sheldon: Okay, now, see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I’m glad we did this test run, these brunches are wild.
Scene: The Comic-con.
Awkward guy: But how did you get her to go out with you?
Leonard: Well, she moved in across the hall.
Penny: And he started to slowly wear me down.
Leonard: Like a river carves a canyon.
Penny: Yeah, except the river kept showing me his Pokémon cards.
Red-haired guy: Ready to go?
Awkward guy: Hang on. This guy’s telling me how he got the Serial Ape-ist girl to marry him.
Red-haired guy: This guy? But he’s wearing a change maker.
Penny: I think it’s hot.
Leonard: That’s right. I’m her change daddy.
Scene: The minivan.
Howard: Aaaaah. What was I thinking? Wolowitzes are not a lifting people. We tip the lifting people.
Bernadette: Do we really have to sit for hours in the emergency room? They’re just gonna give you ice and Advil like last time.
Howard: You’re gonna feel terrible when I’m in a wheelchair. Which, by the way, would fit easily in the back of this award-winning minivan.
Bernadette: Fine, we’ll go to the E.R. Just stop selling me on the van.
Howard: You’re right. It sells itself.
Raj: You have to admit, it’s a pretty smooth ride.
Bernadette: I was hoping it’d be quieter.
Howard: If childbirth is half this bad, you are so screwed. Are we there yet?
Bernadette: Soon.
Howard: Why is it taking so long?
Raj: Howard, Howard, look at the DVD screen. I put on Batman: The Animated Series. Your favourite.
Howard: I’m in too much pain to watch cartoo… oh, this is a good one.
Raj: I’ve been babysitting him way longer than you have.
Bernadette: Fine. I’ll buy the stupid van.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Bert: This is the best blintz I’ve ever had.
Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.
Bert: It almost makes up for the incredibly awkward turn things took earlier.
Stuart: You know what, I, I, I think I’m just gonna go.
Amy: No, Stuart, don’t.
Stuart: No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I’m not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels?
Amy: We’re so sorry.
Stuart: I’m always the last one anybody thinks of.
Sheldon: Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.
Stuart: Bye.
Sheldon: Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out.
Bert: I know how it feels, too.
Sheldon: All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.
Stuart: Thank you.
Sheldon: You know, in fact, I’d like to propose a toast. To Stuart. A fine man, a good friend and a wonderful guest.
Bert: Hear, hear.
Amy: Cheers.
Mrs Petrescu: Cheers. Filmed before a live studio audience.
Scene: The Comic-con.
Leonard: And that is how a short asthmatic scientist landed a stone cold fox.
Awkward guy: Oh. Whoa. I didn’t know you can propose to the same person so many times.
Leonard: The third time I did it in skywriting, but she never looked up.
Penny: You know, once, I proposed to him.
Leonard: Yeah. I said no.
Red-haired guy: Why?
Leonard: I just wanted to make her work for it.
Penny: Yeah, that’s gonna cost you later.
Red-haired guy: Hang on. Is she just with you because you’re rich?
Leonard: She makes more money than I do.
Awkward guy: What? Who are you?
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Do you know what else I love about you?
Stuart: Hmm?
Sheldon: Your handwriting is impeccable.
Stuart: Thank you for noticing.
Sheldon: No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.
Stuart: You know what I love about you?
Sheldon: Hmm?
Stuart: You never leave the house without a paper clip.
Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.
Stuart: I also love how you never use swear words.
Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.
Amy: Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away.
Sheldon: Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these. You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: And welcome to the first on location episode of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…
Both: Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun with Flags.
Sheldon: Hit it.
Howard (singing): For joy and fun there’s no better manner than to fly a pennant flag or banner.
Raj (singing): What fills my heart and makes my eyes moist? Sending a flag up a pole on a hoist.
Together: Fun with flags, fun with flags.
Howard: Oh say can you see, it’s fun with flags.
Together: Fun with flags.
Amy: As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band.
Sheldon: Who haven’t learned their place yet.
Amy: We’re also coming to you live from a different apartment.
Sheldon: Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.
Amy: So, in the spirit of cohabitation, the theme of today’s episode is flags of two regions coming together as one. Such as the flag of St. Kitts and Nevis.
Sheldon: So, let’s roll up our sleevis and get to know Nevis. (Drumroll) Well, I, I like that, but next time check with me.
(Cut to Penny, Leonard and Bernadette watching in the apartment opposite)
Amy: Did you know that the flag was designed by a student named Edrice Lewis…
Penny: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but can we watch the news or something?
Leonard: It’s cute, they’re having fun living together.
Penny: Yeah, I wonder what they’re gonna do when her apartment’s ready.
Bernadette: Actually, it’s been ready for weeks.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Bernadette: Well, they finished the work early, but she’s been telling Sheldon they’re behind schedule.
Leonard: So, she’s just been lying to him?
Penny: Well, you’ve lied to Sheldon.
Leonard: Yeah, but to make him leave, not to make him stay.
Sheldon: Buda and Pest united to form Budapest. And that’s why Budapest is the Budabest. Now.
Howard: Oh, right. (Drumroll)
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Thank you for your services, gentlemen. Now, I’m hoping to broaden our audience with your youthful rock and roll music.
Howard: Aw, you think you have an audience, that’s funny.
Raj: We don’t get paid? Nothing? Not even a sandwich?
Amy: It’s almost dinner time. You in the mood for anything?
Sheldon: Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.
Amy: Oh, you don’t want do that, it’s a construction zone.
Sheldon: So?
Amy: Well, what about your fear of stray nails and butt cracks?
Sheldon: I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.
Amy: Anyway, how about dinner?
Sheldon: You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.
Amy: Thanks, but you don’t have to.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.
Amy: Good stuff. So, uh, what about dinner?
Sheldon: Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?
Amy: No. And on the subject of subjects, is your use of the word subject the same or different as when we speak about the subject of a king?
Sheldon: I have a feeling you’re still doing it. But I find that topic irresistible, so, now, in ancient Mesopotamia, the king referred to the people as his property.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: I’m serious, JPL’s actually developing a robot arm that could grab an asteroid before it hits us.
Leonard: So their plan for saving the Earth from Armageddon is hoping a bunch of scientists can catch a ball?
Raj: If we’re all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale?
Leonard: You’re awful quiet, everything okay?
Sheldon: I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.
Howard: Oh. Well, just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?
Sheldon: Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.
Leonard: I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work.
Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.
Howard: You heard him, guys, don’t ask.
Sheldon: Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.
Leonard: Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago.
Sheldon: I don’t understand.
Leonard: She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early.
Sheldon: So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, I feel both flattered and hurt. Like when people say I look like that skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas.
Raj: Oh my God, that’s who you look like.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is not a big deal. It’s a little white lie, everyone does it.
Raj: Not me, I’m a hundred percent honest in all of my relationships.
Howard: And how single are you right now?
Raj: Eating cake on the toilet single.
Sheldon: Well, I won’t tolerate deception in my relationship. I have no choice but to confront her.
Howard: Don’t do that, you’ve got gold here. Hang onto it until you’re in trouble and then throw it in her face.
Leonard: Why would you tell him that? That’s terrible advice.
Howard: So you wouldn’t want to have anything on Penny?
Leonard: Well, of course not.
Howard: So, if I actually know something right now, and I do, you don’t want me to tell you?
Leonard: Uh, no.
Howard: I’ll take that as a yes. She’s secretly been moving your collectibles into storage a little at a time and you haven’t noticed.
Leonard: Are you kidding me?
Howard: See, I’ve known that for weeks, but, you know, I waited till the moment when it would cause him the most pain.
Scene: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Superman’s gone, my stormtrooper’s gone.
Sheldon: Your Klingon word-of-the-day calendar’s gone.
Leonard: I’d say damn it in Klingon, but that wasn’t until next month.
Sheldon: It’s khoo-vakh.
Leonard: Khoo-vakh! She took my Where’s Waldo.
Sheldon: No, no, he’s over there.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, there he is.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: So, what’s the deal with your apartment? Why’s it taking so long?
Amy: Um, it was a drywall problem.
Penny: Oh, no, what happened?
Amy: Well, the drywall got wet, and you do not want wet drywall because when drywall gets wet, it’s really more…
Penny: Wet wall?
Amy: Or damp wall, just as bad.
Penny: Mm. So why don’t they just get more drywall?
Amy: Well, they went to get some, but the woman at the wall store said it was going on sale and they should wait because the savings…
Penny: Okay, are you done? Bernadette told me your apartment’s ready.
Amy: I was done at wet wall, but you wouldn’t let it go.
Penny: But is Sheldon really believing all this crap?
Amy: Well, he started to question it, but then I fake sneezed on him and he ran to take a shower. Please don’t say anything, I feel terrible about this.
Penny: Oh, don’t worry, I won’t.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: The woman at the wall store?
Amy: Let it go.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Are you going to confront Penny?
Leonard: Eventually, I guess. Although, I am kind of curious how long she thinks she can keep hiding my stuff without me knowing.
Sheldon: Hmm. You know, perhaps instead of confronting them, we should see how far they’re willing to spin their tangled webs. Like that Spider-Man action figure that used to be on your desk.
Leonard: Oh, my God, I’m going blind.
Penny: Hi.
Amy: Food’s here.
Sheldon: Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?
Amy: Oh, uh, they’re still working on it.
Sheldon: Interesting. Very interesting.
Penny: Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while.
Sheldon: Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?
Penny: I did, still a mess.
Sheldon: Leonard?
s
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?)
Leonard: jISovbe’ (I don’t know.)
Amy: Why are you speaking Klingon?
Sheldon: Why are you speaking English?
Amy: This is ridiculous. Penny, do you remember when I taught you Ubbi Dubbi?
Penny: Ubabsubolubutubly ubi duboo.
Amy: Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing?
Penny: Ubif Lubenubard tubold hubim, ubit’s pubossubibuble.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, stop that.
Amy: You stop that.
Sheldon: Dayaj’a’ (Do you understand them?)
Leonard: ghobe’ (No.)
Sheldon: Qu’vatlh (Damn it.)
Penny: Okay. That’s enough. You know what? What is going on?
Leonard: Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.
Amy: Penny was just covering for me. My place has been ready for two weeks.
Sheldon: How could you lie to me?
Penny: Uh, she’s enjoyed living with you. It’s called being in love.
Leonard: Mm-hmm, and what’s it called when you secretly get rid of all your husband’s stuff?
Penny: What? Tha… That is not true.
Leonard: Bernadette told Howard, Howard told me, plus, I can see all my stuff is gone.
Penny: Oh, so, you believe your friend, and your friend’s wife and your own eyes over me? Wow.
Leonard: You really didn’t think I’d notice my stuff was missing?
Penny: Uh, did you notice your key chain?
Leonard: Where’s Batman?
Bernadette: Hey.
Penny: Why did you tell Howard I was hiding Leonard’s things?
Bernadette: One sec. Why did you tell Leonard I told you Penny was hiding his things?
Howard: It just came up because we, we were talking about secrets and… wait, juH qachHom Dotlh Sov ‘Iv (Who knows the status of Amy’s apartment?)
Amy: Everybody stop it with that.
Raj: I’m not really a part of this, so I’m just gonna dig in.
Amy: And I’d like to know why you blabbed about my apartment.
Howard: You’re up, blabby.
Bernadette: Amy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.
Amy: I guess it’s okay. I’m sorry that I lied about my apartment.
Sheldon: It’s all right.
Leonard: And?
Penny: And what? Your wizard robes are next to go.
Raj: Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together?
Sheldon: Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.
Amy: Are you saying you’d like to live with me?
Sheldon: I’m open to the possibility.
Penny: Ubamy bube cubool.
Amy: Whatever.
Howard: You know, if he moves across the hall for good, Leonard could keep the stuff you don’t like in Sheldon’s old room. Solves everything.
Penny: That’s a great idea.
Leonard: Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den.
Raj: That would be amazing.
Sheldon: Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.
Leonard: But you won’t be living here.
Sheldon: But that’s my room.
Leonard: But you won’t be living here.
Sheldon: But that’s my room.
Leonard: You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.
Penny: Sweetie, once you stop paying rent, none of this is really yours.
Sheldon: But that’s my room.
Everyone: But you won’t be living here.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Amy: Thank you for understanding.
Sheldon: Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.
Amy: Good night.
Sheldon: Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?
Amy: I don’t know. It, it could be.
Sheldon: Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.
Amy: Sure, sure, we, we could live in my apartment.
Sheldon: I hate your apartment.
Amy: Sorry, you brought it up?
Sheldon: Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.
Amy: It’s kind of exciting. I mean we could do whatever we want.
Sheldon: But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I’m not a child, don’t do that.
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: Do you know 2001: A Space Odyssey? All right, now that’s soothing.
Scene: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom
Leonard: Look, I get it, this is still my room, we haven’t really made it yours.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Which is why I got you this Pink Power Ranger. Put it anywhere you like.
Penny: Okay, but you may feel some discomfort.
Leonard: I’m kidding, I want you to feel at home here. Decorate it any way that makes you happy.
Penny: Do you really mean that?
Leonard: I really do.
Penny: Great, and just so you know, I’m not getting rid of all your stuff.
Leonard: Yeah? What are you keeping?
Penny: That candle and you.
Leonard: What about my robot poster?
Penny: Uhbubububuh, I can make do with just the candle.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Amy: What’s going on?
Sheldon: I’m struggling with the thought of leaving my old bedroom.
Amy: Can it be more of an internal struggle?
Sheldon: I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.
Amy: How about if I just don’t breathe at all?
Sheldon: That’s my girl. What on earth? What is going on?
Leonard: Oh, hey, Sheldon.
Penny: We turned your room into a sex dungeon.
Sheldon (waking up in bed): No.
Amy: What is happening?
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: Okay, last question. The chaps he was wearing, assless?
Sheldon: Can we just focus on the decision I’m facing?
Raj: We can, but for the record, all chaps are assless.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard?
Leonard: Over my assless chaps you will.
Howard: This isn’t complicated. Do you love Amy?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: Do you like living with her?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Do you know what you need to do now?
Sheldon: Apparently, figure this out on my own ’cause you guys are no help at all.
Scene: The stairwell.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey.
Amy: I understand. I’ll leave you be.
Sheldon: What, you’re familiar with the reference?
Amy: Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Amy: Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink.
Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.
Amy: Are you suggesting Al-Ghazali was Aristotelian? ‘Cause if anything, he was anti-Aristotelian.
Sheldon: Al-Ghazali was anti-Aristotelian? Boy, you think you know a guy.
Scene: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom.
Penny: Okay. Open your eyes and see your new room.
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: I know I went a little overboard. We can always dial it back.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, no, it’s, it’s important to me that you have the bedroom you want.
Penny: Oh, that means so much. I love you.
Leonard: I love you, too.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Leonard: Just hiding some stuff in your closet, don’t tell Penny.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Sheldon: How much will it hurt?
Amy: It’s just a tiny skin sample. You saw me do it to myself.
Sheldon: On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.
Amy: A two.
Sheldon: Eating a whole Altoid?
Amy: Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to.
Sheldon: No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: Oh, jiminy, that’s cold.
Amy: Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells.
Sheldon: All right, just warn me before you do it.
Amy: Okay. Three, two, and we’re done.
Sheldon: You tricked me. You didn’t say one.
Amy: It didn’t hurt, did it?
Sheldon: No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…
Amy: Okay, fine, one.
Sheldon: Thank you. Now yell charge and we can get out of here.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The telescope room.
Raj: Oh, my God, I just got it. Fun onions, Funyuns. Hold on. Is that a wobble? Yes. That’s definitely a gravitational wobble.
Cleaner: Uh, sorry, I could come back.
Raj: Oh, no, it’s okay. I just found a wobble.
Cleaner: Oh, do I need a mop?
Raj: It’s a gravitational wobble. It could be a sign of an extrasolar planet that may contain life and someday be named after me.
Cleaner: Oh, well, if it has life, maybe it already has a name, huh?
Raj: Yeah, but it’s probably difficult to pronounce.
Cleaner: What is your name?
Raj; Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
Cleaner: You think it would be more difficult than that?
Raj: Good point. And you are?
Cleaner: Oh, uh, Isabella Maria Concepcion.
Raj: Oh, well, nice to meet you.
Isabella: Nice to meet you, too. You know, I have to say, based on the candy wrappers and the bags of junk food I see in this trash, working here was ten years old.
Raj: Oh, please, show me a ten-year-old who knows to dip Tootsie Rolls in Nutella.
Isabella: Bueno, um, I’m just going to empty your waste paper basket and then I’ll get out of your way.
Raj: Oh, please, allow me. That’s a lot of empty calories.
Isabella: Thank you.
Raj: You’re welcome.
Isabella: Okay, uh, okay, I have to go.
Raj: Okay.
Isabella: Good luck with your, um, space exploration.
Raj: Thank you. Good luck with your future endeavours.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Sheldon: Did it work? Are they brain cells yet?
Amy: If you’d give me a minute, I’ll tell you.
Sheldon: Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful.
Amy: Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network.
Sheldon: I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys.
Amy: These cells come from both of us.
Sheldon: Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?
Amy: No reason we can’t start right now.
Sheldon: What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s
expose it to images of me and you and see who it likes better.
Amy: Sheldon, this is a rudimentary collection of neurons. I mean, it’s remarkable, but it’s still limited in what it can do.
Sheldon: I understand. She’s the mean one, I’m the fun one.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Huh, they screwed up and gave us steamed broccoli.
Raj: Oh, no, that’s mine.
Leonard: Really? The last green thing I saw you eat was a Skittle.
Raj: Well, I can’t eat like a ten-year-old all the time.
Penny: You’re dating somebody, who is it?
Raj: What? What are you talking about?
Penny: You only watch what you eat when you’re afraid you might have to take your shirt off.
Howard: No, she’s right. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve always been self-conscious about your cleavage.
Raj: That’s because you keep trying to stick pencils in it.
Penny: All right, fine, don’t tell us.
Raj: There’s nothing to tell.
Penny: All right.
Leonard: How’s that broccoli?
Raj: It’s gross but I have to eat it because I met somebody.
Penny: Bam. Thank you. What’s her name?
Raj: Isabella.
Howard: Oh, did you meet her at work?
Raj: Yes, in the telescope room.
Leonard: Oh, so she’s an astronomer?
Raj: Yes, which is why she was in the telescope room. Yes, this is all making sense. Good.
Penny: Well, that’s great, Raj. You must have so much in common.
Raj: Mm-hmm.
Howard: So, when do we meet her?
Raj: No, no, this is brand new. We haven’t even been on a proper date yet.
Leonard: Okay, well, good luck with it.
Raj: Thank you.
Penny: How come you never eat broccoli?
Leonard: I’m married, I don’t have to be attractive.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: You know, most people don’t realize this technique has actually been around for a few years.
Bernadette: Still, I can’t believe you can turn ordinary skin cells into functioning brain cells.
Amy: Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit.
Sheldon: Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.
Bernadette: Look at that, put them in a tiny Flash T-shirt and it’s you.
Sheldon: Aw. Yeah, this little guy can already recognize electronically transmitted images 20% faster than any other sample in Amy’s lab.
Bernadette: I’m running out of ways to act excited.
Amy: So, enough about us, how are things going with you?
Bernadette: Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now.
Amy: Good, you know, in case the exit isn’t clearly marked.
Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.
Bernadette: Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl?
Sheldon: Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.
Bernadette: You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices.
Sheldon: Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.
Bernadette: Mine has a fully developed immune system.
Sheldon: Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.
Amy: Sheldon, that’s enough.
Sheldon: Okay, fine. Let’s just agree that both creations are special in their own way and it is foolish to try and compare them. Although, we didn’t need to have sex with Howard for ours, so we win.
Scene: A washroom at the university.
Raj: This is fun. I have never cleaned a toilet before.
Isabella: You’re kidding.
Raj: No, I grew up with a house full of servants and now I have a cleaning lady who is a lovely woman who I have great respect for.
Isabella: It’s okay, you’re allowed to have a cleaning lady.
Raj: Oh, good, because she also walks my dog, buys my groceries and cuts my hair.
Isabella: I think that’s called a mommy.
Raj: Uh, so forgive me, forgive me for being nosy, but is, is there a wedding ring under those pretty rubber gloves?
Isabella: No, not for many years.
Raj: Oh, so, you are unencumbered?
Isabella: Just me and my son.
Raj: I love kids, how old is he?
Isabella: Nineteen.
Raj: That’s a cute age. They can do so many things.
Isabella: He’s studying to be a lawyer at UCLA.
Raj: That’s wonderful. A lawyer, my sister’s a lawyer. Look at that, we have something in common.
Isabella: Yeah, I guess we do.
Raj: Maybe there are other things we have in common. Come dinnertime, do you enjoy eating food?
Isabella: Ay, Rajesh, I think you’re very sweet, but I work two jobs and I don’t have time for dating.
Raj: Yeah, sure. I understand. Yeah, I’m very busy, too.
Isabella: Oh, please don’t take it personal, I think you’re a very nice man.
Raj: I think you’re very nice as well.
Isabella: Thank you for helping me. Good night, Rajesh.
Raj: Oh, yes. Oh, okay. Uh, Good night. I don’t know, maybe it’s the fumes from the urinal cakes, but I feel like something is happening between us.
Isabella: Good night, Rajesh.
Raj: Okay. I’ll leave. But just know, every time I come in here, I’ll be thinking of you.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Sheldon: Would you look at that? The image we gave it was 45% white noise, and it still managed to reconstruct it.
Amy: I’ve never seen results like this before.
Sheldon: Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge.
Amy: Aren’t you glad you participated in this?
Sheldon: Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?
Amy: Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results.
Sheldon: Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.
Amy: Make a baby? What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!
Amy: Sheldon, I’m not ready to have a baby.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.
Amy: Wow. I, I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.
Amy: Not right now.
Sheldon: Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.
Amy: I’m not playing anything. We’re not making a baby today.
Sheldon: Very well. Oops, how clumsy of me. You know what? Let me get that. Hey. Where are you going? I, did you even look at my bottom?
Scene: The telescope room.
Raj: Welcome.
Isabella: What is this?
Raj: Oh, well, you said you didn’t have time to go out for dinner, so I thought we could have one right here.
Isabella: Oh, Rajesh.
Raj: Oh, come on, we’re in the telescope room. It’ll be like dining under the stars. You see this, uh, double zero? When it says zero one that means it’s twinkling. Sometimes it takes a while.
Isabella: Rajesh, this is so sweet, but you, you know I’m working.
Raj: That’s why I already cleaned up in here and all the other rooms in the hall.
Isabella: Well, I suppose that gives me a little time.
Raj: Oh, please sit. I tried to cook you a meal from your homeland.
Isabella: Oh, really? You made Cuban food?
Raj: That depends, do they have Mexican food in Cuba?
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Now, when he said make a baby, is it possible he meant out of Legos?
Amy: No. He was explicit. Needlessly and freakishly explicit.
Leonard: Why does he need a baby? He’s already hairless and smells like talcum powder.
Penny: Could you two really have some sort of super-intelligent child?
Amy: Well, there is a genetic component, but that doesn’t guarantee anything.
Leonard: That’s true. Sheldon’s father once picked a fight with a cactus.
Penny: Yeah, but that’s just his Earth parents. We don’t know anything about the ones that sent him here.
Leonard: Well, we know they were smart enough to send him away.
Amy: Hey, you’re talking about the person I love and have been avoiding for the past three hours. Oh, man.
Penny: Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some.
Leonard: Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two.
Sheldon: Well, hello.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Would you care for a brandy?
Amy: I don’t think so.
Sheldon: Good choice, it’s disgusting.
Amy: Sheldon, please stop trying to seduce me.
Sheldon: Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.
Amy: I thought it smelled like a petting zoo in here.
Sheldon: Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.
Amy: Okay, I’ve had enough.
Sheldon: Amy, come back. I don’t know how to open the oysters.
Scene: The telescope room.
Raj: So, um, what surprised you the most when you first came to America?
Isabella: Well, I suppose how much people care about Oprah’s favourite things.
Raj: I thought that, too. But then I got my first waffle maker and never questioned her again.
Isabella: You know, I do have some time off this Sunday if you’d like to…
Howard: Hey! I saw your car… Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting?
Raj: Uh.
Isabella: It’s okay. Uh, I should get back to work.
Howard: Hi. Howard Wolowitz.
Isabella: Oh. Isabella Concepcion.
Howard: Oh, yeah, the astronomer. Raj told us about you. Hey, free toilet paper.
Isabella: You told him I was an astronomer?
Raj: Uh.
Isabella: I understand. Time to go.
Raj: No, p-please don’t.
Isabella: It’s okay, Rajesh, I’m a grown woman. I don’t have to waste my time with someone who’s embarrassed by me.
Howard: I can keep this, right?
Raj: Isabella. Isabella wait, wait, let me explain.
Isabella: If you are embarrassed by what I do, why did you pursue me?
Raj: I’m sorry. Honestly, I didn’t think your job would bother me, but I guess it did. And I hate myself for that. But there’s a lot of things about me that would totally embarrass you.
Isabella: I doubt that.
Raj: Well, prepare to be mortified. I let my dog eat food out of my mouth, not because she likes it but because I do. Also, I know they’re pretty, but I’m scared of butterflies.
Howard: Sorry, just passing through. I think this fell off your cart.
Raj: Come on. What do you say? Let me make it up to you.
Isabella: You’re very persistent.
Raj: It’s my one move.
Isabella: Okay. This Sunday night, you may take me to dinner at a nice restaurant.
Raj: Great. Where would you like to go?
Isabella: Your choice. It can be Pakistani food if you like.
Raj: Excuse me, but I’m Indian.
Isabella: And now you know how it feels.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, were you turned on even a little bit?
Amy: It was like being hit on by Rat Pack Pee-wee Herman.
Leonard: I’m sorry, is that a yes?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.
Amy: For God’s sake, you’re ridiculous.
Sheldon: You guys are aroused, right?
Amy: That was a close one.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Bert: Thank you very much. Thanks.
Leonard: That is unbelievable. Good for Bert.
Howard: Damn, the MacArthur Genius Grant.
Raj: Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
Sheldon: Everything is stupid and I want to go home.
Leonard: That’s Sheldon’s way of saying he’s proud of Bert, too.
Howard: Ah.
Sheldon: Hey, it’s not even called the Genius Grant, it’s the MacArthur Fellowship. Just like it’s not Frankenstein, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster. Which brings us back to that hulking simpleton over there. And if anyone’s a genius, it’s me for the way I brought that full circle.
Leonard: How much money did he win?
Raj: Over half a million dollars.
Leonard: Wow.
Howard: And he doesn’t have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it.
Sheldon: Oh, good, maybe he can build a nicer bridge to live under.
Howard: Here he comes.
Leonard: Right. Be polite.
Sheldon: I know how to behave.
Howard: Do you?
Raj: Hey, congratulations Bert.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Howard: That’s amazing.
Bert: Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool.
Sheldon: Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.
Bert: I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it. Well, see ya.
Sheldon: Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.
Leonard: I know, and it was the greatest sarcastic quip I’ve ever heard.
Sheldon: Well, aren’t you a peach.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Who leaves their bike in the hallway? You know, if I knew how to ride one, I’d steal it.
Leonard: Ignore him, he’s just cranky because Bert from the geology lab won a big grant.
Penny: Oh, I heard him interviewed on the radio. You know, when they told him he won, he didn’t believe it, but then he did believe it. It was so funny.
Sheldon: Who listens to the radio any more?
Amy: Bert is studying the way microbes in rocks can survive in extreme environmental conditions.
Leonard: They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.
Penny: You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets?
Sheldon: You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, maybe if you take the time to actually read Bert’s research, you’d be less bitter about him winning.
Sheldon: You want me to read a geology paper?
Amy: Honestly, I just want you to be quiet but I’m all out of taffy.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: You busy? There’s somebody out here who wants to meet you.
Bernadette: Who is it?
Howard: Say hello to everybody’s little friend, remote control Stephen Hawking.
Bernadette: Where did you get that?
Howard: I found him in an old box.
Bernadette: Why would you buy it?
Howard: I didn’t buy it. I made it.
Bernadette: Last question. What is wrong with you?
Howard: What’s the big deal?
Bernadette: Howie, it’s in poor taste.
Howard: No, it’s not. Check it out, he says fun stuff.
Remote-control Hawking: Hey good lookin’, want to go for a spin?
Howard: His eyes also light up in the dark.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: It’s always fun watching him read someone else’s work.
Penny: It’s like scrolling through the emojis on my phone.
Sheldon: Yeh, why? Eh, why? Oh, that’s why.
Amy: Sounds like the night we had coitus.
Sheldon: I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.
Amy: Sheldon, it’s foolish to be angry that Bert’s work has merit.
Sheldon: Yeah, well I am angry. And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry. And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel?
Penny: Ooh, ooh, ooh, angry?
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: I, I knew the answer. I got excited.
Leonard: Hey, buddy, why don’t we go for a walk, so you can calm down.
Sheldon: That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.
Leonard: Hey, I’m trying to help you.
Sheldon: Fine. You can walk ahead of me and scare off the pigeons.
Leonard: You just wave your arms a little and they fly away, it’s not…
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Okay, Raj, I’m gonna show you something. Now, one of us thinks it’s offensive, the other thinks it’s hilarious and a great idea. But, I’m not going to tell you who likes it.
Raj: This is tough, but I’m going to say it’s the guy who shows me YouTube videos of people getting hit in the nuts.
Howard: You’re crazy. I’ve worked with Hawking. He’s got a great sense of humour, and I think he’d like it.
Bernadette: Okay, call him and show him. I dare you.
Howard: I have no problem calling him.
Bernadette: Fine, then do it.
Howard: Fine, I will.
Bernadette: While you’re bothering the world’s most famous scientist, be sure to show him how funny he looks getting stuck under our dishwasher.
Raj: What’s this button do?
Remote-control Hawking: Gentlemen, start your wheelchairs.
Howard: You laughed when that guy got hit in the nuts.
Raj: I laughed because the guy was Leonard.
Scene: The park.
Sheldon: I admire you, Leonard.
Leonard: Really, why?
Sheldon: You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.
Leonard: I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head.
Sheldon: How did you deal with it?
Leonard: I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix.
Sheldon: I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.
Leonard: Do it. Visualize it as your anger and, and toss it out of your life.
Sheldon: Perhaps I will. This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions. I will cast you far away. Feel free to take out a pigeon while you’re at it.
Leonard: Let it fly.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…
Amy: What happened?
Sheldon: I tried to let go of anger and threw a rock into my foot.
Leonard: Then he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.
Penny: Well, and what happened to you?
Leonard: Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It’s fine.
Amy: You know, it’s one thing to be envious, but now you’re injuring yourself. It has to stop.
Leonard: Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life. You’ve got love, you’re in good health, you’ve got a roof over your head.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got all those things, and no one’s lining up to be you.
Amy: Anybody else want to try? I’m gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices.
Leonard: You’re up.
Penny: This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off.
Sheldon: Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?
Penny: I do, your life is fine you big baby.
Sheldon: Maybe you’re right.
Amy: Really?
Leonard: If it helps, I’m questioning your life choices, too.
Sheldon: Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.
Penny: There you go.
Sheldon: And that men of his large stature are more susceptible to a wide array of life-threatening diseases.
Penny: There you go.
Scene: Outside Amy’s lab. Howard knocks on the door.
Amy: What’s up?
Howard: I’m conducting a quick survey. Do you think this respectful and loving tribute to a great man is in poor taste?
Amy: Yep.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Do you think this is in poor taste?
Leonard: Does it spin around and do tricks?
Howard: Yeah
Leonard: Then yeah.
Scene: Barry Kripke’s office.
Howard: What do you think?
Barry: That is hiwawious. Give me the wemote contwol, I want to dwive him into the girls’ westwoom.
Howard: All right, we’re done. It’s offensive.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Top of the afternoon, gentlemen.
Howard: You’re in a good mood.
Sheldon: Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself.
Leonard: Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you?
Raj: Well, I’m glad to see you moving forward.
Sheldon: Bert did quality research, and he deserves whatever accolades he receives.
Howard: What is going on? Did you upgrade his software last night?
Leonard: I think he might be learning on his own.
Raj: Then the robot uprising has begun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.
Raj: He doesn’t just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him.
Sheldon: Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.
Bert: Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great.
Sheldon: Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.
Bert: You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year.
Sheldon: Really? I didn’t know that.
Bert: So I was thinking, you know, engineers don’t get a lot of respect. Is your friend Howard working on anything cool?
Sheldon: You know, I’m not sure. You know, you’d have to ask him. Excuse me. (Off) Aah. Leonard, I hurt myself again.
Leonard: Excuse me, I have to go take some pictures.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I can’t believe you head-butted a water fountain.
Sheldon: No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.
Bernadette: I can’t imagine you being violent.
Leonard: It’s not hard. Just picture the Three Stooges, and then take away two stooges.
Sheldon: I’m so disappointed in myself. Jealousy is completely illogical.
Raj: It’s a human emotion, Sheldon. Everyone gets jealous. I’m jealous of Leonard and Penny and Howard and Bernadette for being in such happy relationships.
Amy: What about me and Sheldon?
Raj: Sure.
Leonard: I’ve always been jealous of how much money Raj’s family has.
Raj: Thank you for saying that. Next to buying things, that is the best part about having money.
Amy: Ever since I met Penny, I’ve been envious of her looks.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Amy: That’s why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.
Penny: What?
Amy: You know what I mean. You were still hot, but more like a why’d that hot girl cut off all her hair, hot.
Penny: You liked my short hair, right?
Leonard: Yeah. I loved it. Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.
Penny: Seriously, none of you liked it?
Bernadette: I thought it was brave. Does that count as liking it?
Penny: You know, how come nobody’s talking about Howard’s dopey haircut?
Bernadette: I think he looks cute.
Howard: And I think you’re cute.
Raj: I think you’re both cute.
Penny: I think I hate all of you nerds.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Sheldon: Sorry I’m moving slowly.
Leonard: Oh, I don’t mind. If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it would be like I’m walking with my grandma.
Sheldon: Oh, no. A plaque? Nobody wants to see this.
Leonard: Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma.
Sheldon: I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert.
Bert: Come in.
Sheldon: All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk.
Bert: What happened to you?
Sheldon: Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.
Bert: Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for.
Sheldon: I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.
Bert: Is it working?
Sheldon: No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.
Bert: Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.
Sheldon: We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.
Bert: Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen?
Sheldon: You know what? This isn’t gonna work.
Bert: Sheldon, wait. You know, you’ve got a lot to be happy about. You’re at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend.
Sheldon: Yes, that’s right. I have Amy. In the past, you’ve professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don’t?
Bert: It used to. But now that I’m rich and successful, I think I can do better.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe you punched Bert.
Sheldon: I didn’t punch him. He turned around, and I gave him a Captain Kirk karate chop. I’m not even sure he knows I did it.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I’ve got someone here who might make you feel better.
Stephen Hawking (on skype): Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking.
Hawking: I understand you’re struggling with professional jealousy.
Sheldon: Thanks, Leonard, now he’s not gonna think I’m cool.
Hawking: Don’t worry, I know how you feel. I have never won a Nobel Prize.
Penny: Oh, wow, that doesn’t seem fair.
Hawking: It’s fine. I’ve been on The Simpsons.
Sheldon: How do you deal with the success of your colleagues?
Hawking: I remind myself every scientific advancement is a victory. Also, I was on Star Trek.
Leonard: Oh, it was a good one. He played poker with Sir Isaac, you don’t care.
Hawking: Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.
Amy: How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you’re brilliant?
Sheldon: I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.
Hawking: I always thought a motorized toy of me would be cool.
Sheldon: What a wonderful idea, how does this man not have a Nobel?
Leonard: Do not tell Wolowitz.
Amy: Way ahead of you.
Scene: The Ellen Show.
Ellen: A new study came out, and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that’s true because laughing has made me the smartiest. Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot, and they’re dumb.
Sheldon: Do people know about her? ‘Cause she’s delightful.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: If we’re going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?
Sheldon: Oh, actually, I would.
Amy: Great, what’d you have in mind?
Sheldon: Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.
Amy: Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.
Sheldon: You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.
Amy: Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.
Sheldon: You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.
Amy: Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody.
Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.
Amy: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.
Sheldon: Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.
Amy: I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.
Scene: At the apartment door.
Sheldon: Look, it’s the same smile she has in the painting.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Yeah, there’s hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.
Penny: Oh, no, no, those hooks are gone.
Sheldon: What happened to them?
Penny: Uh, we ran out of candy on Halloween, I was just giving everything away.
Leonard: Hey, guys, what are you, oh, that’s here, cool.
Penny: Amy wants me to have it.
Amy: Well, it would be selfish of me to keep it.
Penny: But it’s a picture of you.
Amy: And you.
Penny: But you commissioned it.
Amy: To give to you.
Penny: But you like it so much.
Amy: So do you.
Penny: I seem to be losing.
Leonard: Yes, you do.
Sheldon: You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?
Penny: Why don’t you keep it?
Sheldon: That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.
Penny: Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with.
Sheldon: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?
Leonard: Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.
Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.
Leonard: Fine, take the plant.
Sheldon: Oh, we got a sword and a plant, our apartment’s really shaping up.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Stuart, you didn’t have to get us a baby gift.
Stuart: Oh. Just homemade coupons for things you might need help with before the baby gets here. Going to the grocery store, driving you to the doctor, if you’re not in a hurry I can dig you a koi pond.
Bernadette: A foot massage?
Stuart: And that’s not me being creepy, that’s for either of you.
Howard: This is very nice Stuart, thank you.
Bernadette: How come this one’s on the back of an eviction notice?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Uh, now that you mention it, can I live here?
Bernadette: Stuart, we’d love to help you out, but this a bad time, we’re about to have a baby.
Stuart: Or is that why this is a great time? Think about it, when that baby comes you’re gonna need all the help you can get.
Bernadette: Thank you, but I’m not really sure.
Howard: Hang on, maybe it’s not the worst idea. I mean, he did do a good job taking care of my mother.
Stuart: That woman didn’t get heat rash once with me on powder patrol.
Bernadette: I guess you could stay for a few days and we’ll see how it goes.
Stuart: Thank you. And it’s only temporary, just till I get back on my feet, or the baby goes off to college, whichever happens first.
Howard: When would you move in?
Stuart: Well, uh, my car broke down in your driveway, so I’m gonna say now. But I am ready to be helpful. In fact, I’m gonna go vacuum.
Bernadette: Hmm. Actually I just did that this morning.
Stuart: Okay, then I’ll dust.
Bernadette: I did that, too.
Stuart: Then I’ll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.
Bernadette: Howard just did that.
Howard: Yeah, let him do it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh. Remember when we got this at Comic-Con?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. The Mr. Spock cuckoo clock.
Mr Spock Cuckoo Clock: Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper.
Sheldon: It’s one of a kind.
Penny: So if it breaks there’d be none of it?
Sheldon: Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.
Leonard: So you think you should keep it?
Sheldon: I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.
Leonard: Keep the clock, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Thank you.
Amy: Thank you?
Sheldon: Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set?
Leonard: Let me guess, you want it.
Sheldon: Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.
Leonard: You know what, Sheldon, take it. In fact, you can have everything, I really don’t care.
Sheldon: Are you sure? These items represent our shared times together.
Leonard: Well, now they’re yours.
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard: Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his.
Sheldon: For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?
Amy: Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things?
Sheldon: It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.
Leonard: You know what? There is one thing I would like.
Sheldon: Yeah, take whatever you want.
Leonard: I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment.
Sheldon: But you don’t even like flags.
Leonard: Yeah, I like this one.
Sheldon: But I designed it.
Leonard: But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price.
Sheldon: But you don’t even understand its symbolism.
Leonard: Oh, I do. The, the field of blue represents you being miserable, and the lion sticking its tongue out means I’m happy about it.
Sheldon: Come along, Amy. I know when I’m not wanted.
Amy: I don’t think you do, but all right.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s dining room.
Bernadette: Stuart, you cooked?
Howard: How did you know it wasn’t me?
Bernadette: There’s only three people in this house, and you’d still be my fifth guess.
Howard (door bell rings): That’s Raj.
Stuart: You guys relax, I’ll get it. Have some bread while it’s still warm.
Howard: It’s like we have a butler. If I had a Batsuit I’d be Bruce Wayne.
Bernadette: You have a Batsuit.
Howard: It’s pajamas, there’s no cape.
Stuart: Hey, Raj.
Raj: Hey, Stuart. What are you doing here?
Stuart: Oh, I’m living here again.
Raj: Do, uh, Howard and Bernadette know? Or is it like a possum in the walls kind of thing?
Stuart: No, I needed a place to stay and, with the baby coming, I figured they could use some extra help.
Raj: Okay, cool.
Stuart: Anyway, come on in, dinner’s ready.
Raj: Oh, but I bought Chinese takeout.
Stuart: Oh, okay. Well, if Bernadette wants her ankles to swell up even more, she can have that.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Is the Wi-Fi working for you?
Penny: Uh, hang on. I don’t think so, I’m clicking on one weird trick for a flat belly, but I’m still seeing celebrities who look like their pets.
Leonard: Oh, I knew it, Sheldon changed the password.
Penny: Are you sure?
Leonard: Well, the new network name is ha ha ha, now I’ve got you, so it’s either Sheldon or Gargamel from The Smurfs.
Penny: What a jerk.
Leonard: You’re good at revenge, how do we get him back?
Penny: Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.
Leonard: Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.
Sheldon: Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m warning you, I can play this game, too.
Sheldon: If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.
Leonard: All right, I tried.
Sheldon: All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.
Amy: I’ve got the Neosporin. Who got hurt?
Sheldon: It’s a good thing you’re cute.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s dining room.
Raj: So, I was reading how it’s a good idea for new parents to take an infant CPR class.
Bernadette: Yeah, we’ve been meaning to do that.
Stuart: Oh, I know a CPR instructor who’ll come to the house.
Howard: That’d be great.
Stuart: I’ll give him a call. We met when I was sleeping on the beach and he thought I was dead.
Bernadette: Thank you again for cooking. It’s getting tough for me to be on my feet all day.
Stuart: You just kick back and relax, I’ve got it all under control.
Raj: Although it was already under control.
Stuart: I’m sorry, you mumbled something?
Raj: It’s just that they’ve had plenty of help.
Stuart: Well, you know what they say, it takes a village.
Raj: Well, they already had a village.
Stuart: I noticed the village couldn’t find time to put the crib together.
Raj: Yeah, well, maybe the village was too busy checking out the local Montessori school for the new arrival.
Stuart: You mean the one with the empty beer bottles in the sandbox? We’ll pass, thank you.
Bernadette: Do something, Batman.
Scene: The laundry room.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: What do you think you’re doing?
Leonard: Separating my delicates.
Sheldon: This is the level you’re stooping to.
Leonard: No. This is the level I am stooping to. I believe that is flag to crotch four, checkmate. Easy-peasy, ooh, so breezy.
Scene: Howard and Bernadett’s house.
Stuart: Hey, what’s up?
Raj: I’m here to put the crib together.
Stuart: Ooh, sorry, I already did it.
Raj: Well I don’t know if you realize this, but I bought that crib.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I read about that on WhoGivesACrap.com
Raj: Why are you being like this?
Stuart: Because I love Howard and Bernadette and if I want to keep mooching off them, I need to be helpful.
Raj: Hey, this pregnancy had an emotionally-needy third wheel way before you came along.
Stuart: Why can’t there be four wheels?
Raj: Is this what you do when I’m not here, make really good points?
Stuart: Look, just come in and help me build a baby swing.
Raj: Thank you.
Stuart: If you’re hungry you can eat your take-out, nobody touched it.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: I think I’m gonna go for a run, you want to come?
Leonard: No, last time that old lady in the park kept screaming, watch out, he’s right behind you. Hello?
Strange old man: Hey, how you doing?
Leonard: Uh, can I help you?
Strange old man: I don’t think so, but you’re sweet for asking.
Penny: What, what are you doing in our apartment?
Strange old man: Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.
Leonard: Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here.
Sheldon: So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.
Leonard: Sheldon, what do you think you’re doing?
Sheldon: My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.
Theodore: It’s like the ’40s again.
Sheldon: Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.
Penny: All right, Sheldon, this is over the line.
Sheldon: That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.
Theodore: Oh, oh, I have a receipt from a blood bank. I’m O-negative.
Sheldon: And now you know as much about him as I do.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s living room.
Raj: Oh, hey, Bernadette, the swing comes with two different mobiles. The giraffes are pretty cute, what do you think?
Bernadette: Great, go with the giraffes.
Stuart: Although the high contrast of zebra stripes might provide better stimulus for a developing baby.
Bernadette: Yeah, you’re probably right, go with the zebras.
Stuart: Good choice, boss.
Raj: At least my nose is naturally brown.
Bernadette: Hey, could you please go to the market for me?
Howard: Get Stuart or Raj to do it.
Bernadette: Howie, they’ve been doing everything for you.
Howard: Mm, I know. It’s really making me lose respect for both of them.
Bernadette: Please just go to the store.
Howard: Fine. Who wants to drive me to the store?
Raj (off): Me
Stuart (off): I’ll do it.
Bernadette: Take Raj. Stuart is supposed to paint my toenails.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: What do you think? Should we go to a hotel?
Leonard: And just leave him here alone?
Penny: Okay, I’ll go to a hotel. Text me in the morning if you’re still alive.
Leonard: Uh, Theodore, how long are you planning to stay exactly?
Theodore: Oh, thanks to the coins I found in your couch, a day longer than I thought.
Leonard: This is ridiculous.
Theodore: I like the painting. Is that your mom?
Leonard: Sheldon, get out here.
Sheldon: Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?
Leonard: We lived together 13 years. How can you be so awful to me?
Sheldon: I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.
Leonard: Because you were being selfish.
Sheldon: Dividing our belongings is difficult.
Leonard: Why? I said I didn’t care.
Theodore: Excuse me. It’s none of my business, but it sounds like a lot of this anger is coming from love.
Leonard: Yeah, thanks, but nobody asked you.
Theodore: Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.
Amy: I think he might be right. Also, who is that?
Sheldon: I have to admit, leaving you to move in with Amy has been harder than I thought it would be.
Leonard: Well, for me, too. It’s not the same with you gone.
Theodore: If you’re looking for a new guy to live with.
Leonard: No.
Penny: We’re good, thank you.
Amy: So, no one’s gonna tell me? Okay.
Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.
Leonard: Well, I’d like that, too.
Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.
Leonard: You promise?
Sheldon: I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.
Theodore: Well if we’re rubbing genitals on things, that’s where I shine.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Little lower to the left. A little more.
Leonard: Good?
Penny: No, still hideous.
Leonard: Well, I’m sure at some point, we won’t even notice it’s there.
Penny: Yeah, you’d think that, but after a while it starts showing up in your dreams.
Theodore: I think it brings the room together.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s living room.
Howard: Hey, tomorrow who wants to paint the nursery?
Raj: I’ll do it.
Stuart: Why do you get to do it? I’m the artist.
Raj: Just because you’re starving doesn’t make you an artist.
Stuart: Just because I look sickly doesn’t mean I’m starving.
Bernadette (off): Howard!
Howard: Guys, you heard her, go see what she wants.
Bernadette: I think I’m in labour.
Howard: Oh, oh, okay, okay, uh, uh, uh, I can do this. We have a plan. Somebody please tell me the plan.
Stuart: I’ll get the hospital bag.
Raj: I’ll pull the van up.
Stuart: Meet you outside in 2 minutes.
Raj: Team Baby, go.
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Stuart: Are we hugging or having a baby? Let’s go.
After a “previously on” sequence…
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s van.
Howard: Oh, man, this is really happening. You doin’ okay?
Bernadette: Here comes another contraction.
Stuart: Let’s pick it up.
Raj: All right, hold on. I’m gonna drive like we do in India. Get out of my way, you syphilitic dogs.
Howard: Stop that, this isn’t India.
Raj: Fine. What do one point three billion people know about having babies?
Howard: Sorry. I know you were just trying to help. I love you.
Raj: I love you, too. We’re good.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Amy? Wake up.
Amy: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: It’s midnight. Happy birthday.
Amy: Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning.
Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Amy: I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this?
Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.
Amy: I love it. Thank you.
Sheldon: And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities.
Amy: Is that okay?
Sheldon: I didn’t put on my come-hither plaid PJ’s for nothing.
Amy: You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery.
Penny (off): Guys, wake up. Bernadette’s having her baby.
Leonard (off): Come on, we’re going to the hospital.
Amy: I guess, I guess we should stop.
Sheldon: Yeah. I’m afraid so. Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.
Scene: A delivery room.
Midwife: Now I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some Mamma Mia nonsense?
Howard: I’m the father.
Midwife: Okay, Dad, how far apart are the contractions?
Howard: No idea. Ask him.
Raj: 12 minutes.
Midwife: 12 minutes? Why are you here?
Stuart: Aren’t we supposed to get here an hour and a half early?
Midwife: This is a hospital, not the airport.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. It’s our first time.
Midwife: It’s okay. This little one will be here before you know it. Do we know what we’re having?
Howard: No, we’re keeping it a surprise.
Midwife: Old school. Nice.
Bernadette: Not that old school. He knows.
Raj: You see, I was at the doctor’s office, the folder was right there, so I took a peek.
Howard: And talking like this doesn’t make it less creepy.
Midwife: Sweetheart, go home. Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour.
Raj: I’m sorry, that’s ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes?
Midwife: I’m just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Sheldon, what took you so long?
Sheldon: Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.
Leonard: Damn, I need my inhaler.
Amy: Just don’t smoke.
Leonard: No, I went down the stairs too fast.
Penny (answering phone): Hey.
Raj: Don’t come to the hospital. We’re headed home.
Penny: Oh, that was fast. Did she sneeze the baby out?
Bernadette: We showed up too early. We’ll keep you posted.
Penny: Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.
Amy: Well, first deliveries can be slow.
Sheldon: I’m starting to rethink the Flash onesie I bought this kid.
Leonard: I found it, but it’s empty.
Penny: Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re not going to the hospital now.
Leonard: Are you sure? I’d really like to.
Amy: Well, should we, uh, head back up?
Penny: Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?
Amy: Oh, uh, I don’t know. Sheldon, you don’t want to do that, do you?
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s your birthday, you decide.
Penny: Oh, my God. It’s your birthday. Let’s do something fun.
Amy: Uh.
Penny: We could go to a bar.
Amy: Well.
Leonard: Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex.
Penny: Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular!
Sheldon: That’s a bit childish, isn’t it?
Penny: I’m sorry, and what flavour is your bubble gum cigar?
Sheldon: Grape. I find it the most mild.
Penny: All right, well, you two go have fun.
Leonard: If we find my backup inhaler, maybe we can get frisky.
Penny: Oh, you sexy, wheezy little man.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Do you really need to record this?
Raj: You’ll be happy I did. Okay, little one, here we are back at home because you weren’t quite ready to come out yet. You wanted to make an entrance. I get it. And here’s your daddy. When he tries to tell you he used to be cool, you can see he wasn’t.
Howard: All right, enough with the camera.
Raj: Well, this is not for me, this is for the baby. Some day she’s gonna want to see this.
Howard: I’m sorry, who’s gonna want to see this?
Raj: I, I said she, but lot’s of things are she, boats and cars, whales, like thar she blows!
Stuart: You’re doing great.
Bernadette: Raj.
Raj: Well, okay, I’m gonna sign off now. This next part may contain some adult language.
Bernadette: How could you?
Howard: We made it this far without knowing, and you’ve ruined it.
Raj: Well, you guys have no idea how hard it is to know something like this and not say it.
Stuart: You told me it was a girl, and I didn’t say it.
Bernadette: Raj.
Raj: You were supposed to keep that to yourself.
Stuart: Oh, yeah. I guess it is hard.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Amy: So, where were we?
Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.
Amy: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.
Amy: Well, shall we start over?
Sheldon: Very well.
Amy: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.
Amy: Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush.
Sheldon: Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.
Amy: And the mood continues to change.
Sheldon: No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.
Amy: Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.
Sheldon: Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…
Amy: It’s not about trains.
Sheldon: Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?
Amy: Stop talking about trains.
Sheldon: Who’s killing the mood now?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Found the backup inhaler, want to have sex?
Penny: Well, I didn’t until I heard that.
Leonard: Hang on. I’m counting. It’s okay.
Raj (off): Hello. Howard and Bernadette kicked me out because I told them they’re having a girl. Oopsy, I did it again.
Penny: Maybe if we’re quiet, he’ll go away.
Raj: You’re gonna have to be quieter than that.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Can I look yet?
Amy: One second. All right, you can open your eyes. I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter.
Sheldon: Wowza.
Amy: I got a Gryffindor robe for you.
Sheldon: What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.
Amy: I did. Am I in trouble?
Sheldon: Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.
Amy: Wait, what just happened?
Sheldon: You know I’ve been wanting to go.
Amy: Sheldon, do you really want to argue with me on my birthday?
Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry.
Amy: Ooh. Happy birthday to me.
Raj (off): Hello.
Amy: Is this about the baby?
Raj: No. People just keep kicking me out everywhere I go.
Amy: Good. Then you’re used to this.
Penny: Hey, Bernadette’s water broke.
Leonard: Come on, everyone to the hospital.
Amy: You have got to be kidding me.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s van.
Howard: Just try to relax, we’ll be there any minute. Stuart, stop driving like an old man. Speed it up a little.
Stuart: I’m not an old man, I just can’t see at night.
Bernadette: Here comes another one. Hey, Squinty, the gas pedal’s on the right.
Stuart: All right, hang on. If you see any pedestrians, just call ’em out.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Penny: Howard and Bernadette’s kid might be born on your birthday. How cool is that?
Amy: :21,369 –> 00:12:23,536
Yeah, but I thought this
baby was supposed to ruin their sex life, not mine.
Raj: This is not how I imagined this day going, I should be with them right now.
Leonard: Well, it is their child.
Raj: I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous.
Sheldon: Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours.
Raj: And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.
Amy: I understand, but this is a special day for them. Can you just try and let it go?
Sheldon: She’s right. You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I’m not going to ruin her birthday. I’ll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year. Boop.
Scene: The delivery suite.
Howard: Deep breaths, slow breaths.
Bernadette: I’m so thirsty. Give me more ice chips.
Stuart: Sorry. I thought these were room ice chips. I’ll go get some more.
Howard: Uh, Stuart, while you’re out there, don’t come back.
Stuart: Okay.
Howard: So, what are we gonna name this kid? Now that we know she’s a girl, it kind of ruins my plan for Wally Wolowitz.
Bernadette: We could name her after your mom.
Howard: Debbie? No. She hated that name.
Bernadette: Did she have a middle name?
Howard: Melvina.
Bernadette: Let’s keep thinking.
Howard: Ah. It sucks that she’s not here.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Hm. She would’ve been the best grandma.
Bernadette: She did always have candy in her pocket.
Howard: Yeah. I was 20 years old before I figured out Tootsie Rolls weren’t naturally warm.
Bernadette: I didn’t know her five minutes and she asked, are you a Milky Way or a Snickers girl?
Howard: Thank God you answered right, we wouldn’t be here today.
Scene: The waiting room.
Leonard: It’s hard to believe Howard’s having a kid.
Amy: Yeah. Penny, you’re the one who introduced him to Bernie.
Penny: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?
Leonard: It’s not just Howard and Bernadette. I mean, look how far we’ve all come.
Stuart: Hmm. You two got married.
Amy: Sheldon and I are living together.
Sheldon: But if my mom asks, we have bunk beds.
Leonard: Penny was a struggling actress when we met, and now she’s a successful pharmaceutical rep.
Penny: Okay, you don’t have to say struggling every time. You can just say actress.
Stuart: Howard went to space.
Amy: Bernadette got her doctorate.
Leonard: Sheldon, Howard and I are working with the government on our quantum gyroscope.
Amy: We’ve all come a long way. There’s a lot to be proud of.
Raj: For God’s sake, just drive in the knife, why don’t you.
Stuart: What’s your problem?
Raj: Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile.
Sheldon: I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.
Stuart: Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.
Raj: Oh, yay, I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I’m every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store.
Sheldon: Raj, show some compassion. Those are things that we think but don’t say.
Raj: Excuse me.
Leonard: Sorry, Stuart.
Stuart: Hey, I’m in a hospital and I’m not the patient. I’m fine.
Scene: The delivery suite.
Howard: Come on, Bernie, breathe. Remember what you learned in birthing class.
Bernadette: I remember thinking this is stupid, and I was right.
Howard: Do you want me to get the nurse?
Bernadette: No. If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I’m gonna cross my legs and snap ’em off.
Scene: The waiting room.
Leonard: I’ve come to peace with my relationship with my parents. That was a big milestone for me.
Sheldon: Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard. You know, I didn’t swallow it, but Amy said it counted.
Raj: Hey.
Stuart: Hey. Still a loser or did you turn things around while you were gone?
Penny: You know, Raj, honey, you’re being too hard on yourself. When I first met you, you couldn’t even talk to women. I mean, you couldn’t even talk if one was in the room.
Raj: Oh, great, now I can say things like I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me, why are you breaking up with me? Yes, I’ll still help you move.
Penny: Anyone else want to try?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, I got something. Raj, not everybody could be a dog owner. Oh, what? Did your doggie break up with you too?
Penny: Hey, I bought M&Ms at the vending machine and two bags came out.
Raj: I bought the first one, it didn’t fall.
Penny: Here.
Howard: She’s here, the baby’s here.
Penny: Oh!
Raj: Congratulations.
Amy: How’s Bernadette?
Howard: Tired, but great. They’re both great.
Penny: Does the baby have a name yet?
Howard: We have named her Halley.
Penny: – Oh.
Leonard: Oh, like Halley’s comet.
Howard: Exactly. Also like the comet, Bernadette said she’s not gonna have sex with me for another 75 years.
Amy: That’s not a real thing, he’s just joking.
Howard: I’m gonna get back. Thank you for staying up, I can’t wait for Halley to meet her new aunts and uncles and godfather.
Raj: Really?
Howard: Of course.
Raj: You hear that, Stuart? I’ve got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing.
Scene: The hospital nursery.
Penny: Oh, look at all the babies.
Sheldon: Some will be successful, some may be homeless. It’s fun to think about.
Leonard; I wonder which one’s Halley.
Amy: Kind of hard to see the names.
Penny: Mm, that one kind of looks like Bernadette.
Amy: They all look the same to me.
Raj: Guys, she’s my goddaughter, I think I’ll know when I see her. That one.
Scene: The stairwell.
Amy: Well, that was quite a day.
Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.
Amy: I was afraid you’d be too tired.
Sheldon: Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that’s not foreplay, I don’t know what is.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, can you help me put some of the food out?
Leonard: Yeah. Let me finish packing this stuff up. You know how Sheldon is if he sees Christmas stuff lying around after New Year’s.
Penny: Yeah, but he doesn’t live here anymore.
Leonard: Well, he doesn’t live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. And that’s the same man who complains you can’t find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.
Penny (checking phone): Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.
Leonard: Well, he didn’t throw up on the baby. That’s a win.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Penny: Hi. Welcome back. How was Texas?
Sheldon: Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating.
Amy: It was not a great trip.
Penny: Well, you’re home now.
Sheldon: Yeah. It is good to be home. Oh, good lord, is that mistletoe? Don’t you maniacs own a calendar?
Penny: I told him to take it down. He would not listen to me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Did you at least have a good flight down there?
Sheldon: It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me, I slept the whole way.
Penny: So, what happened in Texas that was so bad?
Leonard: And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.
Sheldon: Well, we were on our way to my mother’s house…
Flashback.
Sheldon: How did we get in the car?
Back to apartment.
Leonard: Hold on. How did you get him in the car?
Amy: I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.
Flashback.
Amy: So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together.
Sheldon: Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.
Amy: Maybe there won’t be one.
Sheldon: There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.
Amy: Well, she likes me. You know, there’s a chance she might be okay with it.
Sheldon: Eh, I don’t know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower.
Back to apartment.
Penny: Do boys have flowers?
Leonard: Who knows what he has down there.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: Anyway…
Flashback.
Mary: Thank you, God, for the food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.
Sheldon: Given that your hands prepared it, isn’t that a little self-serving?
Mary: You start changing the words to the prayers, next thing you know, you’re in a church with a guitar.
Amy: Thank you for cooking, it looks delicious.
Mary: Oh, it’s my pleasure. Mm. I’m so glad y’all could make it. So, tell me, what’s going on back home?
Amy: Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.
Mary: Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?
Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.
Amy: They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.
Mary: Come on, Shelly, tell me your news.
Sheldon: All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.
Mary: Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.
Sheldon: What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.
Mary: Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you.
Sheldon: And what special circumstances are those?
Back to apartment.
Penny: Oh, boy, I think it’s about to get bad.
Flashback.
Mary: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon: What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?
Mary: No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses.
Sheldon: Well, this is highly insulting.
Amy: Sheldon, don’t overreact.
Sheldon: I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato.
Amy: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Mary: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Back to apartment.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Well, I was in my room, I couldn’t hear what they were saying.
Amy: I’ll take over from here.
Flashback.
Amy: He’s been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary: He’s upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him.
Amy: Are you going to?
Mary: Oh, heck no.
Amy: Sheldon, what, what are you doing?
Sheldon: Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was.
Mary: You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.
Amy: We’re ignoring the fins, okay.
Sheldon: Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.
Amy: I don’t think that’s what she’s saying.
Back to apartment.
Sheldon: And?
Amy: That’s exactly what she was saying.
Sheldon: Can you believe my mother thinks we’re both strange?
Leonard: Absolutely not.
Penny: That’s too loud.
Leonard: Absolutely not.
Amy: Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.
Sheldon: Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.
Flashback.
Amy: You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone.
Sheldon: You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…
Amy: What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet?
Sheldon: I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.
Amy: Well, let’s try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip.
Sheldon: I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.
Amy: She was gonna find out eventually.
Sheldon: Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.
Amy: Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Amy: This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.
Sheldon: You managed the situation?
Amy: That’s right.
Sheldon: So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.
Amy: Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you.
Sheldon: I have gotten much better at that.
Amy: Have you? How am I feeling right now?
Sheldon: What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter.
Amy: You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.
Sheldon: How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?
Amy: Delighted that you showed any interest in my family at all?
Sheldon: Delighted? What., not if I guessed for a hundred years.
Back to apartment.
Bernadette: Hi.
Howard: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi. There’s the little family!
Raj: Hello.
Stuart: Hello.
Leonard: And their Sherpas.
Penny: Mm.
Howard: The baby’s asleep, can we put her in your room?
Penny: Yeah. Go ahead.
Amy: Do you need help?
Howard: No. I got it. Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me.
Bernadette: Sorry we’re late.
Penny: Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.
Sheldon: Yeah. Here. I’ll catch you up.
Flashback.
Sheldon: How did we get in the car?
Back to apartment.
Penny: Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.
Leonard: On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school.
Sheldon: I was acting odd intentionally.
Bernadette: Really? So you can control it?
Penny: Okay. Then what happened?
Sheldon: Well, there’s really not much left to tell. I decided that my mother views me as a child because I never went through a rebellious phase, so, I got an earring. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) My mother made me take it out. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) Amy put alcohol on it. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) And here we are.
Howard: What did we miss?
Bernadette: I couldn’t explain it if I tried.
Scene: The same, later.
Penny: So tell me, how did Sheldon look with an earring?
Amy: Like the pirate who helps the other pirates connect to the Internet.
Howard: So what did you and Leonard do?
Penny: Actually, we got in a pretty nasty fight.
Leonard: It might’ve been the worst one we’ve ever had.
Raj: Oh, my God, what happened?
Leonard: Well, we had started binge-watching Luke Cage together, and it was kind of our thing, and then I find out that she watched two episodes without me.
Bernadette: It’s like I was excited for a present and got socks.
Stuart: I don’t understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.
Sheldon: I don’t understand what’s wrong with socks.
Penny: To be fair, we may have been on edge because of the Christmas tree.
Howard: What happened
Flashback.
Penny: You do make a cute elf.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? And you thought Spock ears were only good for Comic-Con.
Penny: Hey, hey, I just found a farm where they let you chop down your own tree.
Leonard: Oh cool, I’ll be like a pointy-eared Paul Bunyan.
Time lapse.
Leonard: Stupid idea.
Penny: No, what’s stupid is a physicist who doesn’t understand when you swing an axe, you don’t let go.
Leonard: For the tenth time, my mittens were slippery!
Penny: Ugh. It’s 70 degrees, you didn’t need mittens.
Leonard: You know how easily I blister.
Penny: Yes, yes, you bruise, you peel. It’s like I’m married to an old piece of fruit.
Leonard: Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night, or, or we can stop and try to salvage the evening.
Penny: Fine.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: There’s something on the windshield.
Flash forward to the stairwell.
Penny: You need a break?
Leonard: Do not need a break.
Penny: There’s no shame in asking for a break.
Leonard: If I need a break, I’ll ask for a break.
Flash forward.
Penny: Ugh. Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: There’s a tree on you.
Flash forward.
Leonard: You want to decorate it tonight?
Penny: Yeah, with gasoline and a match? Sure.
Leonard (hearing animal noises): I hope it kills us both.
Back to apartment.
Leonard: By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.
Sheldon: So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: Hey, how’s life with your baby?
Amy: Really? You’re never gonna touch their baby?
Sheldon: To this day I’ve never touched Stuart.
Bernadette: It’s been wonderful, Sheldon, thanks for asking.
Flashback.
Bernadette: Oh, please stop crying, I’m begging you. I don’t know what else to do. My boobs are empty. Do you want lasagna? Shh, shh, shh, it’s okay, it’s okay. Shh. What have we done?
Howard: Hey, I found superhero baby wipes, the perfect way to clean up crime, and tushies.
Bernadette: It took me two hours to get her down.
Raj: You know, in India when my baby brother cried like that, the servants would just take him far away so we couldn’t hear it. Not always, sometimes we’d leave.
Howard: Hey, he got her to stop.
Bernadette: That was so fast.
Raj: Oh, he’s really good with her.
Bernadette: Yeah, he has a gift.
Howard: What’s the matter?
Bernadette: Nothing, these are happy tears.
Howard: Oh, good.
Bernadette: No they’re not, you bozo. How come Stuart can get her to stop crying, but I can’t?
Howard: I mean, it’s Stuart. Maybe she’s playing possum until he goes away.
Bernadette: Not funny.
Raj: She’s tired, that was funny.
Bernadette: Everyone’s a better mom than me.
Raj: Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk.
Back to apartment.
Sheldon: Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: What? Is there another twist coming? Is the baby not theirs at all?
Leonard: Ignore him. How did you get the baby to stop crying?
Stuart: Oh, I just talked to her. I’ve been told the sound of my voice puts people to sleep.
Penny: You poor things you must be exhausted.
Howard: It has been hard to sleep with all the crying.
Flashback.
Bernadette: How can she hate me? I make her food in my chest. It’s like hating a frozen yogurt machine.
Howard: She doesn’t hate you, stop saying that.
Bernadette: Now you hate me too.
Howard: Shh, I don’t hate you.
Back to apartment.
Sheldon: It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.
Bernadette: Thank you, Sheldon, I’m feeling better now.
Sheldon: Thank you, Internet. I’m telling you, with the right YouTube video, I can give Howard a vasectomy.
Penny: So things started to turn around?
Bernadette: Yeah, eventually I figured out how to get the baby to sleep.
Leonard: Please tell me you didn’t use Amy’s magic juice.
Flashback.
Howard: Bernie?
Bernadette: Shh. She’s asleep.
Howard: Great. And where are you?
Bernadette: Down here.
Howard: Oh. This is new.
Bernadette: I didn’t know what else to do. It worked.
Howard: Well, I’d say that’s thinking outside the box, but, come on.
Bernadette: Don’t make me laugh.
Howard: Do you need help getting out?
Bernadette: I think I live here now. It’s fine.
Howard: Is it okay if I get some sleep?
Bernadette: Yeah, go ahead.
Howard: Good job, Mommy. I’m proud of you.
Bernadette: Don’t make me cry, either.
Howard: Good night. I love both my girls.
Bernadette: We love you, too.
Back to apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe you fit in the crib.
Bernadette: I could take a bath in the sink. I don’t, but I can.
Raj: So how were your holidays?
Stuart: Oh, thank you for asking. Uh, I, uh, went to visit my grandmother. She’s in Bakersfield. Uh, usually my brother and sister go… oh come on.
Scene: The same, later.
Amy: That was fun, thank you.
Bernadette: Yeah, thanks.
Penny: Our pleasure.
Leonard: See you guys at work.
Raj: Be there bright and early.
Howard: Not me, paternity leave.
Sheldon: Oh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife’s genitals and he gets time off.
Howard: With pay, sucka. Forgot the baby, still new to this.
After a previously on sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: What, what’s all this?
Leonard: Well, it sounded like you were having a rough day, so i wanted you to come home to something nice.
Penny: Oh, that is so thoughtful.
Leonard: Hey, do you remember when we went wine tasting in Santa Barbara and you said that was you’d ever had?
Penny: Yeah, i remember us driving up there, going to the winery and, that’s it.
Leonard: and this wine is why.
Penny: Oh. Hey, what smells so good?
Leonard: I made your favourite. Pizza bagels.
Penny: Pink wine and pizza bagels? It’s like eighth grade all over again. I am so lucky to have you.
Leonard: Well, now be careful, these are hot. i could explain the thermodynamics of why the cheese seems hotter than the crust, but instead I’m gonna keep it to myself.
Penny: Oh, you always know what not to say. I just, i can’t believe you did all this.
Leonard: Well, you know, It’s easy to take each other for granted and I never want to do that to you, because your love, it’s like a river. It’s peaceful and deep. Your soul is, it’s like a secret that I could never keep.
Penny: You did not just quote an Nsync song.
Leonard: I quoted your favourite Nsync song.
Penny: Oh.
Out of daydream sequence.
Leonard: Damn. I burped so hard, i died in my game.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Leonard, i’ve been meaning to ask you, what size shoe do you wear?
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.
Leonard: That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half.
Sheldon: That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?
Leonard: Are you gonna laugh at the answer?
Sheldon: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.
Leonard: If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me.
Sheldon: Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.
Leonard: So, hang out with me and we’ll have boys’ night.
Sheldon: At our age, why don’t we call it man’s night?
Leonard: Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Penny, is it weird that we’re having girls’ night here, but you don’t live here any more, so it’s basically my girls’ night?
Penny: I hadn’t really thought about it.
Amy: But now you’re thinking about it and it bothers you? I get that.
Bernadette: Things going well with you and Sheldon living together?
Amy: Better than ever. He asks about my day, takes an interest in my life. He’s like my boyfriend in college, except he’s real, so people can see him.
Bernadette: I’ve been seeing him for years, I’m still not convinced he’s real.
Penny: Hey, can I ask you a question? You’ve been married for a while, is it normal for the husband to kind of completely stop giving a crap?
Bernadette: Uh oh, what’s going on?
Penny: Well, Leonard used to do all these things, like bring me flowers and wear pants.
Bernadette: It’s okay, Howie never has on pants. The Domino’s guy brings the pizza like this now.
Amy: Well Sheldon always has his pants on. I don’t think I could pick his knees out of a line-up.
Penny: Well, it’s not just the pants, it’s just, it’s like since we got married he doesn’t really try any more.
Amy: Uh, Penny, I don’t know how to say this, but this is my first girls’ night and you’re kind of bumming everybody out.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: All right, got Halley to sleep.
Raj: Yeah, i heard you on the baby monitor. Didn’t think you could think you could turn the theme from Walking Dead into a lullaby.
Howard: Yeah, got to get her hooked on TV or someday she’ll want me to play outside. Boy, that floor is so squeaky. I’m surprised I didn’t wake her up walking out of the room.
Raj: Have you tried anything to fix it?
Howard: Well, i put the rug down. It didn’t help.
Raj: I know. Blue shag, what were you thinking?
Howard: Did try nailing a couple of the boards down.
Raj: Did that do anything?
Howard: Yeah, it left little holes in the floor, that’s why I bought the rug.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: If you do that, i’ll win in eight moves. I’ll win in five moves. I’ll win in one move.
Leonard: Oh, no. Good game.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?
Penny: Oh, it was fine.
Sheldon: Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?
Penny: Uh, chips.
Sheldon: Anything to drink?
Penny: Some wine.
Sheldon: Well, I’m just playing tennis against the drapes here.
Leonard: Just ignore him.
Penny: Hm. At least he took an interest.
Leonard: What’s that supposed to mean?
Penny: Nothing.
Leonard: Hey, what’s going on with you?
Penny: I don’t want to talk about it.
Leonard: Well, hey, come on, just tell me.
Penny: Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.
Leonard: What? Where is this coming from?
Sheldon: Leonard, she might be drunk. All she had was chips.
Penny: It’s just, since we got married you seem to think you don’t have to try any more.
Leonard: That is ridiculous.
Penny: This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, let’s talk about it. I’m the one who’s made all the effort in this relationship since day one. Please tell me what more I could do?
Penny: Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.
Leonard: Fine, go ahead.
Sheldon: Amy is free. She had a harp lesson on Saturday but it got cancelled. Boy, when you take an interest in people, you really uncork a geyser of nonsense.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette (on phone): Okay. Thanks, daddy. He said the only way to really fix an old floor like that is to tear it up and replace the whole thing.
Howard: That sounds expensive.
Raj: Hang on. No offence to her father, but he’s not an MIT trained engineer. Thinking and building is what you do.
Howard: MIT’s motto is mind and hand, which just so happens was also my motto as a lonely teenager.
Raj: Oh come on, we just need to be more creative. What if you didn’t step on the floor at all? Like, what if you swung on a rope from the ceiling?
Howard: No.
Raj: Okay, um, okay, what if you rig up a pulley system and move yourself across the room in a harness?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: I have one. What if you got a giant slingshot and flung yourself into the wall?
Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?
Raj: Hold on. Yeah, that’s funny.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: All right, we’re heading out.
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Amy: I’ll call you when we get to the hotel.
Sheldon: And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo?
Amy: I will bring them home so you can show me how Godzilla takes a shower.
Leonard: Have fun.
Penny: Thanks. Are you ready?
Amy: Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.
Leonard: Go ahead, it’s fine.
Sheldon: Bye.
Amy: Bye.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: Let’s go.
Amy: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye.
Amy: I’ll miss you.
Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll miss you too.
Amy: I’ll miss you more.
Sheldon: Well, if x equals the amount that you’ll miss me, then I’ll miss you x plus one.
Amy: If you miss me x plus one, I’ll miss you open paren x plus one, close paren to the second…
Leonard: Thank you.
Scene: The apartment, later.
Sheldon: Here. You’re sad, so I made you tea.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: And it’s just the way you like it.
Leonard: Earl grey?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Honey?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Unsweetened almond…
Sheldon: Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.
Leonard: Sorry, thank you.
Sheldon: Well, what can we do to cheer you up?
Leonard: I really don’t know.
Sheldon: You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?
Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.
Leonard: Its not that I’d stopped trying, its just how relationships progress. They start with infatuation, but over time mellow into something more comfortable.
Sheldon: Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. It’s like when I first encountered the Pythagorean theorem. You know, I was blown away that the square of the hypotenuse was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides. But now I’m just like, eh.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s nursery.
Howard: Okay, this grid represents the room. All we need to do is plot out where each squeak is, and we can find a quiet path to the crib.
Raj: It looks like a map from Dungeons and Dragons.
Howard: Mm. Except the creature in the crib is a level-nine poop monster.
Raj: Okay, uh, you check for squeaks, and I will mark them down.
Howard: Okay, space A3, here we go. It’s squeaking. Mark it.
Raj: It’s nice to think that you grew up in this room and now your daughter’s going to as well.
Howard: Mm. I hope she has the same amount of sex in it I did. None. Next square.
Raj: Why do you bounce with your hands in the air like that?
Howard: It’s a tradition of my people. (Singing) If I were a rich man, ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.
Raj: Material Girl needs ot be retired, that is your karaoke song.
Scene: Leonards car.
Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I invented?
Leonard: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?
Sheldon: Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?
Leonard: I don’t want to wait two days for us to work this out.
Sheldon: Very well. You got married spur of the moment, I don’t see why your divorce should be any different.
Leonard: I would pull this car over and kick you out, but If Penny dumps me, you’re all I got.
Scene: The spa.
Penny: When was the last time you got a massage?
Amy: Sheldon walked on my back two weeks ago, but that was just ’cause there was a spider on his pillow and he was trying to get away.
Penny: Leonard stood on me once, too, but he was just trying to see the Rose Parade.
Amy: I don’t know the protocol, are you gonna be naked for your massage?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Amy: Hmm. Then this is probably too many clothes.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: What are you doing here?
Leonard: I came here to apologize.
Penny: Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.
Leonard: Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.
Amy: Nice to see you, too.
Sheldon: And that’s how you make effort look effortless.
Penny: All right. Can you please just go and we’ll talk about this tomorrow?
Leonard: I don’t understand what you want.
Penny: I’m trying to figure it out.
Sheldon: You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing.
Amy: Sheldon, why don’t we give them some privacy?
Sheldon: Very well. Hey, later we’ll check out the minibar, I’ll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s nursery.
Howard: So, what we did was map out the entire room to identify every squeak. Watch. It’s easy,
once you get the hang of it. Step. Step. Hop onto Ottoman.
Raj: Don’t do that in socks, I almost broke my neck.
Howard: Then simply sit, spin, stand, stretch, maybe in looser pants, then step, grab, tiny pivot, pull, and you’re there. Easy peasy, mac and… you get the idea.
Bernadette: You actually expect me to do this while holding a baby in the dark.
Raj: Hold on, I don’t think she was impressed.
Howard: Bigger problems, I felt something pop.
Scene: The spa.
Sheldon: There’s a cucumber in my water.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Do they know it’s there? I mean, should I tell somebody?
Amy: It’s there on purpose. It’s refreshing.
Sheldon: Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh good, you’re here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmas’s?
Penny: We’re not getting divorced.
Leonard: Listen, we realized, that, uh, we’re facing some new challenges as a married couple.
Penny: Yeah. And there are a few things we need to stay on top of. So we thought it would useful, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, um.
Leonard: Would you please help us make a relationship agreement? But one that’s tailored to us, okay, we don’t need a bathroom schedule.
Penny: Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance.
Leonard: What do you say?
Sheldon: I get to write a contract? I say, let’s get this party of the first part started.
Penny (after Amy laughs): Do you really think that’s funny?
Amy: It’s in our agreement. I have to laugh.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.
Penny: Article 8, subsection B, Leonard will restrict videogaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.
Leonard: Does it really need to say that?
Sheldon: I did this for free, let me get a little something.
Leonard: Article 10, subsection C, if questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn’t. Other unacceptable responses include, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, and, I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it.
Penny: I think this all looks good.
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.
Amy: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.
Sheldon: Mm. You seem to be forgetting the no nostalgia clause.
Amy: Right, right. Got it.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: What’s going on with that woman you’re dating?
Raj: I broke up with her.
Leonard: Why?
Raj: She said she didn’t want to see me any more and I found that insulting.
Howard: I thought things were going well. What happened?
Raj: I don’t know, she didn’t even give me a reason.
Sheldon: That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?
Raj: Can we not play this game?
Sheldon: Doesn’t like games. That’s one.
Leonard: Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup.
Raj: That’s okay, I’m fine.
Sheldon: Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.
Raj: I’m not a virgin, Sheldon.
Sheldon: So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.
Leonard: You’re not being very nice.
Sheldon: What? He said he was fine.
Howard: Sometimes people say things they don’t mean.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said.
Leonard: Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.
Penny: Hey, boys. How’s it going?
Sheldon: Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.
Bernadette: So, normal.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon: We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.
Raj: It’s okay, I’m fine.
Sheldon: Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.
Raj: Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more.
Sheldon: Then why didn’t you say that?
Howard: Because that’s not what people do.
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.
Penny: No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough.
Sheldon: Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.
Amy: I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: And also a little sad.
Sheldon: Okay, now you’re just showing off.
Bernadette: You know, I just read that a team at MIT. developed a device that helps people read human emotions.
Leonard: And you think we can get those guys to reprogram Sheldon? Cool.
Bernadette: It’s supposed to be accurate, like, 85% of the time.
Penny: Wow, I find that hard to believe.
Leonard: That a bunch of awkward scientists with no social skills would invent a machine to do it for them?
Penny: I take it back. I believe it.
Howard: You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.
Amy: What do you think?
Sheldon: A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.
Bernadette: Wouldn’t that be nice.
Sheldon: It could also help me identify my enemies, discover their fears and then I could use those fears to destroy them.
Bernadette: I like the first one.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Now that Sheldon’s across the hall, have you decided what you’re doing with his old room?
Leonard: I was thinking maybe a library or a gaming room.
Sheldon: You could make it a train room.
Leonard: I don’t like trains. You like trains.
Sheldon: I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.
Howard: Sheldon, I just heard from the guys at MIT about that emotion reader. They’re sending a prototype for you to beta test.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Although I’m not sure how I feel about being used as a guinea pig.
Leonard: Well, when you get the machine, you can find out.
Raj: Maybe I could use it to understand why women keep dumping me.
Howard: Well, you don’t need a machine for that, just send a survey card to all your ex-girlfriends and tell them if they fill it out they might win a prize.
Raj: That’s actually not a bad idea. Maybe I could even get them all together, sort of like a, a focus group, to find out what’s wrong with me.
Leonard: No, Raj, that’s a terrible idea.
Howard: Yeah, I was joking.
Sheldon: Really? Uh, little tip: jokes are often better when you end them with wocka wocka or ha-cha-cha.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, great news. The TV I want will fit in the gaming room, and if I leave the curtains open, I can watch it from work.
Penny: Hey, can you hold off redoing the room? My brother’s coming out here in a few weeks.
Leonard: Oh. Yeah. Okay, sure. What’s going on with your brother?
Penny: My dad asked if I can get him a job interview at my work.
Leonard: Huh. Is that a good idea? I mean, you think they’ll consider someone who was in prison for selling drugs?
Penny: Well, I sell pharmaceuticals. That’s just a really hard to spell word for drugs.
Leonard: Well, I’m sure he’ll appreciate carrying his samples in a briefcase instead of his colon. How long do you think he’ll stay?
Penny: I, I’m not sure. Maybe a few days. Unless he gets the job, then who knows?
Leonard: Hmm. Who knows? That’s exciting. I’ll get to wake up every morning and see if he’s still here.
Penny: You don’t have a problem with this, do you?
Leonard: Of course not. I mean, he’s your brother.
Penny: Okay. Thank you, you’re the best. Mm.
Leonard: Remember that when the new TV falls off the wall and crushes us both.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Howard: This thing’s pretty cool. It interprets emotions using a wireless signal to analyse subtle changes in breathing and heart rate.
Amy: It’s amazing a machine can do that.
Sheldon: Yes. Now, when the robots rise up, they’ll know that I’ve been rooting for them the whole time.
Howard: The display is synced to your phone. Give it a try.
Amy: All right. Now, I’m gonna look at some pictures to prompt an emotional response, and we’ll see if the machine can identify them accurately.
Howard: Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?
Amy: Okay, I’m looking at the first picture.
Sheldon: You are happy?
Amy: Yes. I’m looking at puppi
Sheldon: Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right.
Howard: Try another one.
Amy: Okay. What does it say I’m feeling?
Sheldon: Sad.
Amy: Yes. I’m looking at a picture of my grandma.
Sheldon: Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: And you’re worried that turkey neck is in your future. What, now, see, now it says you’re mad. Make up your mind.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Raj (on phone): Okay, Emily. Yeah, sounds great. See you then.
Bernadette: Is that Emily your ex-girlfriend?
Raj: Yeah. I’m getting all my exes together in order to discuss why they broke up with me and how I can be a better boyfriend.
Howard: Oh, God. You went through with that? What is wrong with you?
Raj: We are going to find out.
Bernadette: Why would you do that, Raj?
Raj: Well, I want information in order to improve myself.
Bernadette: You’re not gonna get information, you’re just gonna get criticism that hurts your feelings.
Raj: Don’t worry, I’m a grown man. I have a thick skin.
Howard: You’re so stupid.
Raj: Hey.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, would you take a look at my brother’s résumé? I’m trying to help him clean it up a little.
Leonard: Yeah, sure. He really worked with the Drug Enforcement Agency?
Penny: He didn’t know it till he was cuffed, but yeah.
Sheldon: Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.
Leonard: How’s it working out?
Sheldon: Surprisingly well.
Leonard: That’s great, I’m happy for you.
Sheldon: No, wait, uh, hold on. Oh, what, you are. Aren’t you sweet?
Amy: What’s that? Are you working on your resume?
Penny: No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here.
Sheldon: Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.
Leonard: No, it doesn’t.
Sheldon: What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone.
Penny: What? Are you really upset about Randall coming?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I said no.
Sheldon: It’s like you’re twins.
Penny: Leonard, if you’re mad about this, just tell me.
Leonard: Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.
Penny: He’s my brother. I didn’t think I needed your permission.
Sheldon: Well, hey. Now she’s angry, too. This thing works like gangbusters.
Leonard: I’m not saying you have to ask my permission, but you could have talked to me about it before you said it was okay.
Penny: Like you talked to me about your gaming room?
Leonard: Our gaming room. I was gonna put a scented candle in it.
Sheldon: He’s still mad.
Amy: Stop enjoying their fight.
Sheldon: You first.
Penny: If you were this upset, why didn’t you say so when I told you?
Leonard: Because I didn’t want to sound like a jerk.
Penny: Well, you sound like one now. I don’t see the big deal if my brother comes and stays for a while.
Leonard: If you get him a job, he’s gonna live here forever!
Penny: He would get his own place.
Leonard: Has he ever had his own place?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: Did it have a metal toilet next to the bed?
Penny: It still counts. You know, how is this any different from you making me live with Sheldon?
Sheldon: Hey, I shared my Honey Nut Cheerios with you.
Penny: You gave me a bill at the end of every month.
Leonard: Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight.
Sheldon: You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go.
Sheldon: Gladly. Can we storm out?
Amy: I think it loses its impact if we’re chatting about it.
Sheldon: Fine. I’ll just give them the finger.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Okay, first off, I want to thank you all so much for coming. Howard is here to interpret for Emily, and to take notes.
Howard: No, he doesn’t think it’s stupid.
Raj: Uh, heads up, both of you are named Emily, so we’ll call you red-headed Emily, and you, red-headed Emily, Junior.
Howard: Hey, you went out with him. I didn’t.
Raj: Okay, uh, let’s get things started. Um, why don’t we go around the room, say your name, and why you broke up with me. Want to kick it off?
Lucy: Oh, okay. Um, I’m Lucy, and I broke up with Raj because I have severe social anxiety, and he kept trying to force me into uncomfortable situations.
Howard: Like this one?
Lucy: Yeah.
Raj: I did do that. I can be insensitive to other people’s boundaries. Howard, would you write that down?
Howard: Schmuck. Got it.
Raj: Uh, next?
Claire: Okay. Um, I’m Claire. And I guess I broke up with you because you were just really needy. Also, you were incredibly vain, like, all the time you spent shaping your eyebrows.
Raj: Okay, new rule, everybody only gets one. Uh, next?
Emily: Ooh, I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing details about our relationship in front of Howard.
Raj: Oh. He’s here to support me, so anything you have to say you can say in front of him.
Emily: Okay. Well, whenever you and I were in bed…
Raj: Howard, get out.
Howard: Not a chance. So, you were telling us how Raj was terrible in bed.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, dinner’s ready. I made beef loaf, because I know you’re uncomfortable with the non-specificity of meat loaf. Sheldon? Hey, are you okay?
Sheldon: Not really.
Amy: What’s going on?
Sheldon: I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.
Amy: I’m sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings.
Sheldon: It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.
Amy: Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge.
Sheldon: I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.
Amy: Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell.
Sheldon: Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.
Amy: No, see, right there, you knew you hurt my feelings. And I’m proud of you, for reasons I’m sure have something to do with my father. And if you don’t like that machine, get rid of it. Because I love you exactly the way you are.
Sheldon: I feel the same way about you. Now, put your glasses back on. You look weird.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard (translating for other Emily): I thought you were great, but, oh, my God, you were so dominated by your parents.
Emily: Oh, yeah, that used to drive me nuts. He’s kind of a mama’s boy.
Claire: Kind of?
Raj: Okay, that’s enough. Write down loving son.
Lucy: Can I just say something? Going out with Raj was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Raj: Yes, I’ll take you back.
Lucy: Let me finish. It’s like I needed to go through that experience to know what exactly I don’t want in a man.
Raj: Well, that’s hard to hear, but I’ll still take you back.
Emily: You know, the same thing happened to me. After I broke up with Raj, I met Gary, who’s just amazing.
Howard: Sorry, is that Gary with one R or two?
Raj: Would you stop writing? Wait, so, did all of you go on to better relationships after me?
Lucy: Oh, yeah.
Emily: Without question.
Claire: Little before, actually.
Howard (responding to other Emily): Oh, wow. Don’t let him get away.
Raj: What did she say?
Howard: Uh, basically, she traded you for Bruce Wayne.
Raj: Okay, maybe we should just end this.
Howard: Wait, hang on. I just want to point out to everyone here, this is a man who is going to great lengths to better himself. Even at the risk of being humiliated. And I, for one, think that’s very brave.
Raj: Thank you, Howard.
Emily: Honestly, I’m surprised you two didn’t wind up together.
Howard: Well, like you gals, I had to suffer through him to find Bernadette.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s door.
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: We owe you an apology.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase.
Leonard: That was six years ago. I’m talking about tonight.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, I thought we were going in order.
Penny: Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.
Leonard: And, sorry about the suitcase.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you should be. Your socks were still in it. I had to throw it away. Anyway, I, uh, trust that you’ve resolved your conflict.
Penny: Yes, we’re fine.
Leonard: Mm, Penny’s gonna call her dad and tell him it’s not a good time for Randall to visit.
Penny: Hopefully, he won’t be too upset.
Leonard: Oh, you’re his little girl, he can’t stay mad at you.
Penny: He won’t be mad at me. I mean, you’re the one who doesn’t want my brother to come, so…
Leonard: So you’re gonna throw me under the bus?
Penny: Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.
Sheldon: Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.
Leonard: That’s because we are.
Sheldon: Yes. I don’t need an emotion machine. I am one.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Thanks, ladies, this was fun. Let’s not wait so long for another bizarre, awkward night.
Raj: Well, that was a waste of time. I’m such an idiot.
Howard: Don’t beat yourself up. That’s what I’m here for.
Raj: Maybe I won’t settle down. Maybe I’ll just play the field.
Howard: Yeah, the field was just here. The field said no.
Raj: Dude, come on.
Howard: Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. 30 years from now, if you’re still single and things don’t work out with me and Bernadette, you and I can give it a go.
Raj: I appreciate the offer, but if things don’t work out with you two, I’m swooping in on her like a vulture.
Howard: Too late. Stuart called dibs.
Raj: But theoretically, if you and I were in a gay relationship, how would we tell people? Like, print up announcements?
Howard: I don’t know. What difference does it make?
Raj: Well, I want to make sure we get invited to all the parades.
Howard: Those do look fun.
Raj: Yeah. Well, if you want to march in a fishnet crop top, you better lay off that dip.
Howard: If you didn’t want me to eat it, why’d you put it out?
Raj: It was for the girls. They broke up with me, I don’t care if they get fat.
Howard: I’m not gonna get fat.
Raj: Oh, you want to bet? You never exercise.
Howard: Fine. Look, I’ll exercise right now. One, two. These are crunches, by the way.
Raj: Very mature. Keep eating like that, you’re gonna have a heart attack.
Howard: Okay. How about if I eat like this?
Raj: You’re such a child.
Howard: Hey, is that any way to talk to your future husband?
Raj: Hey, I was being hypothetical, okay? I would never marry you.
Howard: Please. When you see the ring I pick out, you’re gonna melt.
Raj: Yeah, right. Wait, is it rose gold? Actually, don’t tell me, I want to be surprised.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, did you wind up sending that machine back?
Sheldon: I did. You know, I’m not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.
Bernadette: I finally got Halley to sleep.
Raj: You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.
Amy: It’s true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.
Penny: So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.
Leonard: We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.
Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?
Bernadette: Let’s see. You’re better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don’t have to be us.
Sheldon: Keep filling this one with babies. She’s good.
Scene: The laboratory.
Howard: Okay, I’m zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the micro-fluidic channel.
Leonard: Nicely done, Howard.
Howard: Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things.
Leonard: Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.
Howard: Those are just the things I say out loud.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.
Howard: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.
Leonard: That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.
Howard: Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller.
Sheldon: Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.
Leonard: Can we please stop talking about poodles?
Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.
Howard: Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home.
Sheldon: I don’t want to go home.
Leonard: Fine, go for a little walk.
Sheldon: Then what?
Leonard: Just keep walking.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The laboratory.
Leonard: At least it’s quiet when he takes bathroom breaks.
Howard: I know. That’s why I keep refilling his water when he’s not looking.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Howard: I don’t care if we’re in a drought, it’s worth it.
Leonard: You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I’ve been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now’s the time.
Howard: We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him.
Leonard: You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point.
Sheldon: Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.
Leonard: Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. Go ahead, open it.
Sheldon: Congratulations. The bearer of this certificate is entitled to the ultimate train experience at The Nevada Northern Railway. You are at the throttle. You are the engineer. You are running the locomotive. This doesn’t happen very often, but here comes a hug. Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again.
Leonard: Okay. Where were we?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: For Howie’s occupation, should I include that he was an astronaut?
Amy: Well, he mentioned it in his mother’s eulogy, so why not?
Penny: I can’t believe you have to fill out a preschool application for an infant.
Raj: Uh, the one at Caltech has a crazy wait list. I warned you, a lot of people apply when they’re still pregnant.
Bernadette: Well, I didn’t. I also skipped a birthing class to see Zootopia so back off.
Raj: Whoa. Just trying to help.
Bernadette: Sorry. Howie’s back at work and there’s just so much going on.
Amy: Is there anything we can do?
Bernadette: Sure. Open up a college fund, shop for life insurance, and in the laundry room, there’s a mountain of dirty laundry. Wash it or burn in, your choice. Ugh, be right back.
Raj: No, no. I will take care of it.
Bernadette: Oh, thank you.
Raj: While I’m gone, you can think about how mean you were to me.
Penny: All right, you know what you need? A night away from all of this. You know, where you can just kind of relax and, I’m just gonna turn this off. Much better. Seriously, let’s plan a night, you know, give you a break. We could go dancing.
Bernadette: That sounds really nice.
Amy: Oh. All this week, the Early Music Society of Pasadena is doing a joint concert with the San Gabriel Renaissance Choir.
Penny: Okay, that’s the one to beat.
Amy: Good luck. People have been saying that for 600 years.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Hey, you’re home early.
Sheldon: You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.
Amy: Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do?
Sheldon: No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.
Amy: Well, I’m really happy for you.
Sheldon: Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.
Amy: I give up.
Sheldon: You.
Amy: No. I really give up.
Sheldon: Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.
Amy: Can I pee now?
Sheldon: Oh, get this. I get to take a test based on a 125-page manual. I get to learn things like hand signals. Ooh. There’s forward, uh, reverse, set the brakes. Are you done yet? You’re missing
some great stuff out here. Oh, this is good. There are dozens of railroad crossings you have to blow the whistle for. But that is the figurative you, not the literal you. I’ll be blowing the whistle. Amy, get up. It’s time to go to work.
Scene: The laboratory.
Leonard: This train thing worked out better than I thought. He’s home studying the engineer’s manual.
Howard: It’s so peaceful without him here. Can I ask you how much that cost?
Leonard: Four thousand dollars, worth every penny.
Col Williams: Gentlemen.
Leonard: Colonel Williams. Sir.
Col Williams: Just wanted to see how the guidance system’s coming along.
Howard: Great. We found a cooling solution that allowed us to get the size of the prototype down to the target specs.
Leonard: As a cooling solution, it’s pretty cool.
Col Williams: Don’t do that. What’s this?
Leonard: Oh, nothing. Just some math we don’t need.
Col Williams: This is a different approach. Are you trying to get the guidance system even smaller?
Leonard: It’s just a theory. Uh, it’s not even worked out.
Col Williams: Oh. I want this.
Howard: But we’ve already met the agreed upon specs. Going smaller would require weeks’ worth of new computations.
Col Williams: So get the kid with the two shirts to do it.
Leonard: Sir, uh, if I may, uh, we’ve put a lot of thought and effort into this current prototype. It’s a really elegant solution, and most importantly, it works.
Col Williams: Yeah, I want this.
Howard: Okay, but that’s just a theory. It’s not even a complete thought.
Col Williams: You both make excellent points, and thank you for presenting it so articulately. Make this.
Howard: The kid with the two shirts screwed us again.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Penny: All right. You guys ready to get crazy?
Amy: Well, the bra under here ain’t beige.
Raj: Okay. You ladies have fun tonight.
Stuart: Don’t worry about Halley. Uncle Stuart’s on the job.
Raj: Under the careful supervision of her godfather.
Stuart: My apologies. I didn’t mean to offend you, Don Corleone.
Raj: Like I said, you ladies have fun.
Bernadette: We will. Got my dancing shoes, got my breast pump. Let’s party.
Penny: You know, if you pump at the bar, I promise we’ll get free drinks.
Bernadette: Call if there’s any problems.
Penny: No. She’s busy. You call Howard.
Raj: Got it.
Bernadette: Call me. Don’t call Howard.
Raj: I would never call Howard.
Stuart: Okay, instead of arguing all night, let’s just split up the baby chores.
Raj: Yeah, great. Um, I’ll put food in her top half, you deal with whatever comes out the bottom.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: I can’t believe we have to ask Sheldon to come back and help us.
Leonard: Oh, boo-hoo. I spent four grand on a gift that only got rid of him for an afternoon. What is that?
Howard: I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run.
Sheldon: Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?
Howard: How’d you even get that up the stairs?
Sheldon: I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.
Leonard: Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you.
Sheldon: Interesting. Well, so I was right.
Howard: Open a window. It’s about to get smug in here.
Sheldon: Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.
Leonard: Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out.
Sheldon: Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish.
Howard: He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.
Leonard: Come on, you know you’re not leaving physics. Why are you doing this?
Sheldon: Leonard, in the world of theoretical physics, you never finish. So much is unprovable. But when I was studying that railway guide, it was so tangible and so satisfying that something just clicked. Then it clacked. Then it clicked, then it clacked, click-clack clickety-clack, and here we are. Whoo-whoo.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Amy: Hey, did you hear anything back from the Caltech preschool?
Bernadette: Not yet, but we’re gonna apply to a bunch of others just to keep our options open.
Penny: Okay, stop that. No more preschool talk. Tonight is about having fun.
Amy: Nothing says fun like being scolded.
Bernadette (phone rings): Oh, it’s Raj. Everything okay?
Raj: Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.
Stuart: Hang up, we don’t need help.
Raj: I don’t need your help deciding when we need help!
Bernadette: Raj, what’s going on?
Raj: Yes, so, I was just warming up some milk for Halley, and I thought it smelled a little funky, so I checked the date that you wrote on the bottle, and it says Flerbsday.
Stuart: It says Tuesday.
Raj: How is that a T?
Bernadette: I’m sure it’s fine, but if you’re worried, there’s extra milk in the freezer.
Raj: Okay, yes, I will err on the side of caution and defrost a fresh batch.
Stuart: You’re wasting perfectly good milk.
Raj: Fine, you drink it.
Stuart: It’s just milk.
Bernadette: Stuart, don’t you drink my milk.
Penny: Okay, give. Can you guys handle this or not?
Raj: Oh, of course we can. Uh, you girls have a good time. She said I was in charge.
Stuart: Hmm. So we just throw this away?
Raj: What else are you gonna do with it? Put it in your coffee?
Stuart: Well, I don’t take it black.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Okay. This is everything he had on the board. I’m sure we can figure the rest out.
Howard: All right. Hmm. Feel free to jump in. Hmm is all I got.
Leonard: Oh, we can get this. Is there any chance it’s upside-down?
Howard: Maybe we can find another theoretical physicist to help us.
Leonard: It’s classified. If we tell anyone, we’d get in trouble.
Howard: Hey, I came up with that and hmm. You haven’t pitched anything.
Leonard: Just keep thinking. I got it.
Howard: You really figured it out?
Leonard: No, but when we show this nonsense to Sheldon, it will make him crazy, and he’ll have to fix it.
Howard: Oh, you’re a genius.
Leonard: Yeah, I know. That’s not even a math symbol. That’s just Charlie Brown’s hair.
Scene: Penny’s car
Penny: Sorry, guys. This club was so great, how could they turn it into a bookstore? I thought we got rid of all those.
Amy: Renaissance Choir’s looking pretty good right now, huh?
Bernadette (on phone): Hello?
Raj: Nothing to worry about. She’s just been crying for a little while, and I was wondering if you had any tricks to get her to sleep.
Stuart: She was sleeping just fine till you took a selfie with her.
Raj: She was blowing a spit bubble. It was adorable.
Bernadette: You guys got this? Do you need me to come home?
Stuart: Wait. She’s settling down.
Raj: Oh, okay, false alarm. Little parenting tip, sleeping babies hate flash photography.
Penny: Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Yeah. I may have just left my infant daughter with Patrick and SpongeBob.
Amy: Hey, there’s another dance club nearby. I mean, I don’t know how you feel about Latin music, but according to their horas of operación, they’re open.
Penny: Maybe we should just call it a night.
Amy: You sure? They’re open till dos.
Bernadette: Yeah, we’re all dressed up. Why go home?
Penny: I’m just not really in the mood anymore.
Bernadette: What’s going on with you?
Penny: I don’t know. This is all starting to feel like a sad attempt to recapture our youth.
Bernadette: I’m not sad. I just wanted to get drunk and not wear sweatpants.
Amy: I’m not sad. I mean, hello.
Penny: Okay, maybe I’m the one who’s sad.
Amy: What are you sad about?
Penny: Maybe the fact that you went and had a baby.
Bernadette: You’re upset I had a baby?
Penny: No, of course not. I just, I didn’t think it would make me have all these feelings.
Amy: What feelings?
Penny: Pressure. I mean, she’s looking at preschools, she has a minivan, she has a 401K. Before she talked about it, I just thought that was a race.
Bernadette: You think that stuff is fun? Being a parent is terrifying. I’m constantly worried, I’m always tired, and in a few minutes I’m gonna milk myself in a bookstore parking lot.
Penny: I get that, okay? It’s just, Leonard and I have been married for two years, and we’re no further along than when we were dating.
Amy: Come on. You’ve got so much to feel good about. You’ve got a great job now.
Penny: Yeah, I guess I am making decent money.
Amy: You make more than I do.
Bernadette: You may not have a house yet, but your apartment’s great.
Amy: It’s bigger than mine.
Bernadette: And Leonard loves you so much, he married you twice.
Amy: I’m not even engaged once. I don’t even know if Sheldon thinks about marriage. I’m not getting any younger. Honestly, I kind of thought by now, we might have had some sort of…
Bernadette: Careful. The sound of crying can make me lactate.
Amy: I’m sorry. I can’t help it.
Penny: Oh, that’s gonna make me cry.
Bernadette: And there they go.
Penny: Ew.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, turns out we didn’t need you after all.
Howard: That’s right. We figured it out all by ourselves. Wasn’t even that hard.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.
Leonard: Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are?
Sheldon: No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.
Howard: It’s a manifold.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.
Leonard: Just look at the board.
Sheldon: That’s wrong.
Leonard: Oh, no, what should we have done differently?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.
Howard: Told ya. Can you fix it for us?
Sheldon: Okay, but this is the last time. Nice try, blockheads.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You can’t turn your back on physics, and besides, you have no idea what you’re doing with this stuff.
Howard: But if you really want to learn the mechanical side, I can teach you anything you want to know.
Leonard: And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.
Howard: And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.
Leonard: So, what do you say?
Sheldon: Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.
Howard: That’s a turbo.
Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.
Scene: The cab of a steam locomotive.
Sheldon: I apologize that it’s so warm in here.
Amy: It is warm in here.
Sheldon: I’ve worked up a bit of a sweat.
Amy: Me, too.
Sheldon: May I borrow your water?
Sheldon (voice): The light’s green.
Amy (now in her car): Sorry.
Sheldon: GPS says we’ll be at the railway in three hours.
Amy: I can get us there in two.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Go. Come on, Raj.
Leonard: You can do this.
Sheldon: There’s no way.
Penny: What is happening?
Leonard: This is an Euler’s Disk. It’s a physics toy that demonstrates angular momentum, potential energy, and kinetic energy.
Penny: Aw, look at you watching sports.
Howard: We’re betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disk can spin.
Sheldon: Its weight and smoothness, along with the slight concavity of the mirror, means it can spin for a long time.
Leonard: But Raj is from India, which means he’s no slouch at holding his breath.
Penny: Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.
Amy: Hey, Sheldon, I found a great restaurant for date night.
Sheldon: Kind of busy right now.
Amy: Oh, an Euler’s Disk, fun.
Howard: Yeah, we’re seeing if Raj can hold his breath longer than it.
Amy: Oh. Immature.
Leonard: How ya doing?
Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.
Howard: Yes, he is.
Sheldon: You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage.
Penny: Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?
Howard: Ha, you’re interested. You’re out ten bucks.
Sheldon: It’s slowing down.
Leonard: Dig deep, like when we bet you couldn’t fit into Howard’s pants.
Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.
Leonard: Yes, he is.
Howard: Come on, Raj, it’s like your favourite movie, you’re just Waiting to Exhale. Yeah, I knew you could do it.
Raj: And j, and just so you know, my favourite movie is Princess Bride.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s office.
Dr Koothrapalli (on skype): Hello, Rajesh. How are things by you?
Raj: Good, good. Uh, listen, I just wanted to let you know when you get my credit card bill, it might be a little high this month.
Dr Koothrapalli: Well, you’re a grown man with a steady job. Why wouldn’t you spend all your father’s money?
Raj: Oh, Daddy, you’re so rich and funny.
Dr Koothrapalli: Yeah. So what else is going on with your life?
Raj: Uh, well, I was dating a woman at the university, but we broke up.
Dr Koothrapalli: I’m sorry to hear that.
Raj: I know you are. That’s why you just bought me a new iPad. And before you start, I am not interested in you arranging a marriage for me.
Dr Koothrapalli: Oh, I gave up on that a long time ago.
Raj: You did?
Dr Koothrapalli: It’s too much work. You’re an adult who can’t get by without an allowance from his parents. Women don’t want that.
Raj: What are you saying, that you’re giving up on me? What kind of father gives up on his son?
Dr Koothrapalli: I have six children, five of whom are married and self-sufficient. I don’t think I’m the problem.
Raj: I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This is deeply hurtful.
Dr Koothrapalli: You’re also too sensitive. Women don’t want that either.
Scene: A restaurant.
Amy: The food here’s supposed to be great. Don’t fill up on chips.
Sheldon: Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that.
Amy: Oh, look. It’s Bert, at the bar. We should go say hi.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.
Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.
Amy: Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom.
Sheldon: If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.
Amy: Hi, Bert.
Sheldon: Hello.
Bert: Oh, hey, guys. What brings you here?
Amy: Oh, we’re having date night.
Bert: Nice. I’m meeting someone, too.
Amy: Oh, really. Anybody we know?
Bert: I doubt it. I met her on G-Harmony. That’s a Web site for geologists to find love.
Amy: That’s a real thing?
Bert: Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind.
Sheldon: Well, have a lovely evening.
Bert: Thanks. You, too.
Sheldon: If you think that’s more fun than talking to Zachary Quinto through a stall door, you’re crazy.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: You know, we could’ve come to you guys. You didn’t have to bring the baby here.
Bernadette: Oh, it’s okay. It’s good to get out of the house.
Howard: And the car ride puts her to sleep.
Leonard: Aw, that used to work with Sheldon.
Penny: Yeah, until someone left him in the drugstore parking lot and he freaked out.
Leonard: Who forgot to crack the window?
Raj: Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Oh, someone’s been shopping at Gucci.
Raj: Yeah, I saw something for Halley and I couldn’t resist.
Bernadette: That’s so sweet of you.
Raj: Yeah, it’s a crushed velvet baby cape.
Howard: Oh, no, now we have two.
Penny: That must’ve been expensive.
Raj: Yeah, it was. But it’s my father’s money and I’m mad at him.
Leonard: What’s going on with your dad?
Penny: And if you really want to hurt him, I look great in Chanel.
Raj: It turns out he doesn’t care if I’m married or if I’m single. He’s basically given up on me.
Bernadette: Oh, I’m sure that’s not true.
Raj: It is. He stopped trying to find Indian girls for me to marry.
Leonard: But all you did was complain when he did that.
Penny: Wait, Leonard, he’s hurting. Let him feel how he feels.
Raj: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: Yeah. Shoes, I’m a seven-and-a-half, boots, I’m an eight.
Scene: The restaurant.
Sheldon: MSN Search, AltaVista, and Ask Jeeves. You?
Amy: Sorry, I don’t have a list of defunct search engines that I miss.
Bert: Hey. Looks like I got stood up, so I’m gonna head out.
Amy: Oh, no. Are you sure you don’t want to give her a few more minutes?
Bert: Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.
Amy: I’m so sorry.
Sheldon: Bert, I insist that you join us.
Bert: You really wouldn’t mind?
Sheldon: Not at all. Amy?
Amy: Fine with me.
Bert: Thanks. I’ll go grab a chair.
Amy: Sheldon, that was so sweet of you.
Sheldon: Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.
Amy: So the part where he got stood up didn’t clue you in?
Sheldon: You want me to look at him and listen to him?
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: My father thinks the reason I can’t make a relationship work is because I’m spoiled.
Leonard: I’m sorry, is he waiting for someone to disagree?
Raj: Just because he helps me out doesn’t automatically mean that I’m spoiled.
Penny: All right, how much exactly does he pay for?
Raj: Okay, I’ll tell you, but please don’t judge me. He pays for my car, my rent, and my credit cards.
Leonard: I’m trying, but I’m judging.
Howard: Maybe your dad’s right.
Penny: Yeah, women do like a man that can support himself.
Raj: But Bernadette makes more money than Howard. She basically supports him.
Bernadette: Yeah, maybe your dad’s right.
Scene: The restaurant.
Bert: Good question. Let’s see. Infoseek, WebCrawler, oh, HotBot.
Amy: Okay, literally any other topic.
Bert: All right. How did you guys meet?
Sheldon: Actually, we met online.
Amy: Our-our first date was at a coffee shop.
Sheldon: Although, unlike your date, she actually showed up. Oh, he looks sad again.
Bert: Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you’re the perfect couple.
Amy: You-you know about that?
Bert: Uh, yeah, everyone at the university does.
Amy: Were you aware of this?
Sheldon: No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Why aren’t you talking to me?
Amy: Because I’m mad at you.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, now I’m sorry I asked.
Amy: Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life.
Sheldon: What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.
Amy: That’s why they’re doing it.
Sheldon: Is it safe to assume you’re not speaking to me again? If you’re not answering because you’re not speaking to me, perhaps we could come up with a signal. That works.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: You don’t need your dad’s money. You can get by on your salary.
Leonard: Yeah. Well, we work at the same place as you, and we’ve always been fine.
Raj: Oh, please. Look in the mirror. You both look ten years older than I do.
Penny: All right, hang on. We can figure this out. Let’s just go over your expenses. How much is your rent?
Raj: I don’t want to say.
Bernadette: Is it really that high?
Raj: I don’t want to say because I don’t know how much it is.
Penny: You don’t how much your rent is?
Raj: My father pays for it. Do you know how much your rent is?
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: Well, then double it, because my building’s a lot nicer than this dump.
Leonard: Do you know how much your car costs?
Raj: Not really.
Howard: Well, how much do you spend on food?
Raj: The housekeeper does the shopping.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, you really are spoiled.
Raj: I’m spoiled? Your baby has a cape that costs $300.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: I’m going to bed.
Sheldon: Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.
Amy: I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not.
Sheldon: This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.
Amy: That’s different. She’s a close friend, not the lady in the cafeteria who cuts the crust off your sandwiches.
Sheldon: That lady has a name. I don’t know what it is, but one time I accidentally called her mom.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sounds like you’re gonna need a cheaper place to live.
Bernadette: When you moved here, you didn’t have a lot of money. How’d you get by?
Penny: Well, sometimes you can get free food and Wi-Fi from the neighbours. Just know you might have to marry one of ’em.
Leonard: Hey, you guys let Stuart live with you. Why not Raj, too?
Howard: What, what are you doing? I, I, I schlepped the baby over, I brought imported beer. Why don’t you like me?
Raj: I thought we were best friends?
Howard: We are, that’s why I’m sad my best friend’s gonna be homeless.
Bernadette: I’m sorry, Raj. We really just don’t have the space.
Leonard: What if he lives in your garage?
Bernadette: What if you stop helping?
Raj: Guys, I’m not living in a garage.
Howard: Wait. Why are we talking about our place when Sheldon’s old room is sitting there perfectly empty?
Bernadette: That’s a great idea.
Penny: Raj, if you need a place to stay, of course you are welcome here.
Raj: Thank you, but if I’m gonna just take advantage of my friends, I might as well keep on relying on my father.
Penny: Okay, only if you’re sure. Whew.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?
Amy: Yeah?
Sheldon: Not exactly the welcome wagon, but I’ll take it.
Amy: What is this?
Sheldon: I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.
Amy: Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking?
Sheldon: No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.
Amy: Well, I do appreciate you working on this.
Sheldon: I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.
Amy: What’s that little dot in the middle?
Sheldon: That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.
Amy: Interesting. You really have secrets you don’t tell me?
Sheldon: Of course.
Amy: Can I hear one?
Sheldon: No, they’re private.
Amy: Why? Are they naughty?
Sheldon: A little.
Amy: Please?
Sheldon: Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license.
Amy: What? Why didn’t you say anything?
Sheldon: I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.
Amy: So when I got up at 4am. to drive you across the desert to an antique train museum, I didn’t have to?
Sheldon: No, you didn’t. But keep in mind, I felt extremely important.
Scene: Raj’s office.
Dr Koothrapalli (on skype): What?
Raj: Hello, Father. We need to talk.
Dr Koothrapalli: All right.
Raj: I have come to an important decision. I will not be accepting your money any more. I’m a man, and I can take care of myself.
Dr Koothrapalli: That’s wonderful.
Raj: Yes, that is wonderful. You will no longer be able to accuse me of being spoiled.
Dr Koothrapalli: I am so proud of you.
Raj: Dad, I’m trying to tell you off, and you’re ruining it with your delight and relief.
Dr Koothrapalli: Sorry. Oh, no, my grown son is going to stop spending all my money. Where did I fail as a father?
Raj: Yeah, that’s right. Keep asking yourself that. But I still love you very much, so don’t cut me out of the will.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Oh, you brought your own lunch. Good for you.
Raj: Yeah, I’m making a bunch of changes. This morning, I fired my dog walker.
Howard: Oh. How’s the dog gonna go to the bathroom?
Raj: Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That’s tomorrow’s problem.
Sheldon: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.
Bert: He’s right. And I’m sorry for the part I played in this.
Sheldon: Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.
Bert: That doesn’t paint me in the best light.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?
Bert: Not really.
Sheldon: All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.
Leonard: What brought that on?
Sheldon: Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.
Howard: That’s understandable.
Sheldon: Oh, I know that now. At first, I thought she was cranky because of her horrific menstrual cramps, but it turns out, no, she was genuinely mortified.
Following a “previously on” sequence:
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Uh-huh. Interesting. Okay.
Raj: How bad is it?
Sheldon: Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?
Raj: Are you serious?
Sheldon: I’m not wearing this visor to play women’s golf.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms.
Leonard: We’re helping Raj figure out his finances.
Penny: Well, he has a job. How bad can it be?
Sheldon: Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.
Penny: Wait, wait, not shopping for clothes, right? Because look.
Sheldon: He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt.
Howard: I thought your dad paid your cards.
Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.
Sheldon: What emergency happened at the L.A. Zoo?
Raj: That’s a penguin I sponsor. They’re losing their homes to global warming, and my car gets, like, seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad.
Leonard: What is Pink Cheeks?
Raj: It’s intimate waxing. Quit looking at that.
Leonard: Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.
Raj: Like a business manager?
Sheldon: No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.
Howard: What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives?
Sheldon: He sounds like a sociopath.
Leonard: We don’t know, his mother never had him tested.
Sheldon: You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.
Penny: Wait, wait, who’s gonna break it to the penguin?
Raj: Okay, Sheldon. Yeah, I’m putting you in charge of my finances. I will not spend another penny that you don’t authorize.
Sheldon: Very well. Hey, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday. You can’t buy one.
Howard: Oh, better luck next time, Pink Cheeks.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: You’re actually going to Comic-Con?
Penny: Well, Leonard wants me to do more stuff like that with him, so I thought maybe this year I’d tag along.
Amy: Well, that’s sweet. I bet you’ll have fun.
Penny: So, do you want to come?
Amy: No, thanks. I already live in a place all the nerds come to.
Penny: Please? I went to your boring thing last month.
Amy: My aunt’s funeral?
Penny: Come on, even you checked your e-mail during the eulogy.
Amy: Well, I’m not going, but I do think it’s nice you want to.
Penny: It’s not that I want to go, I just think it’ll make Leonard happy. And if I have to watch him squeeze into an Ewok costume, so be it.
Amy: Look at you, going to Comic-Con, talking about Ewoks. I really have become the cool one around here.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: You actually think Penny will have fun at Comic-Con?
Leonard: No. Which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon’s job.
Sheldon: She’s gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.
Howard: And hate all the crowds at the panels.
Sheldon: She’s gonna hate the panels.
Leonard: She’s gonna hate how often we say the word panels.
Howard: Why don’t you just tell her not to come?
Leonard: Well, she’s so excited, I can’t do that to her.
Howard: What if you make it sound so bad she won’t want to go?
Leonard: That I would do to her.
Raj: I can’t believe Penny’s gonna get to go, and I’m not.
Sheldon: You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.
Stuart: Panels. Just wanted to be included.
Raj; Come on, Sheldon, it’s Comic-Con. Just let me have the money for this, and I won’t ask for anything else.
Sheldon: You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard.
Leonard: See? Miserable.
Raj: Okay, you’re right, I got myself into this, but I’ve never missed a Comic-Con with you guys.
Sheldon: Your father may have spoiled you, but I won’t. If you want a ticket to Comic-Con, I suggest you figure out a way to earn the money yourself.
Howard: Yeah, you’re a grown man who’s highly educated. You could charge people money to punch you.
Raj: Go ahead, make jokes. I don’t know why you think you’re going to Comic-Con, you just had a baby.
Howard: So?
Raj: Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?
Leonard: Hang, hang on. So I have to bring Penny, you can’t afford it, Howard’s gonna get in trouble, and this guy gets to have a great time.
Sheldon: I’m gonna go as Dumbledore.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Mm-mm, how’s my favourite girl?
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: What you doing?
Bernadette: Making lasagna.
Howard: Oh, she’s sexy, she can cook. I’m such a lucky guy.
Bernadette: You want something stupid, or you did something stupid?
Howard: No. I just walked in here, saw how beautiful you are and had to tell you.
Bernadette: Oh, dear God, you’re cheating on me with Raj.
Howard: Ha ha ha, never gets old. Okay, there is something I want, but it’s not a big deal.
Bernadette: What is it?
Howard: Well, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday, and I was hoping I could go with the guys. But before you say anything, I’ll make up for being gone by doing everything around here, I mean everything. I’m even gonna answer for you. Yes, Howard, you can go.
Bernadette: It’s so hard to say no to you.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: So I’ll say maybe.
Howard: What? Why?
Bernadette: You said tickets don’t go on sale till Friday, right?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: You said you were gonna do all this stuff for me, right?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: See where I’m going with this?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: If you don’t know how to make lasagna, Google does.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Okay, so this is the main Comic-Con floor. It’s where all the vendors and exhibits are.
Penny: Wow, that is a lot of people jammed in there.
Leonard: I know. Sometimes Howard wears a striped shirt so we can play Where’s Wolowitz? Okay, now, This is us camping out in line for the Avengers panel.
Penny: Oh, you really sleep on the sidewalk, huh?
Leonard: Yeah. It can get chilly, but Raj figured out that if you pee in a bottle and put it in your sleeping bag, it helps keep you warm. Here’s the hotel room we all share.
Penny: Well, you and I would get our own room, right?
Leonard: Every hotel is booked. But, yeah, see this space here between Sheldon’s feet and my head? That’s where you go.
Penny: Well, it’s no different than when Sheldon used to climb in bed with us during a thunderstorm.
Leonard: Don’t worry, we won’t be doing much sleeping anyway. It’s like an all-night party. There’s trivia contests and Dungeons & Dragons. As we like to say, it’s off the chain mail.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: I even said off the chain mail, and she still wants to go.
Sheldon: That’s probably my fault. She may have heard about my cool Dumbledore costume.
Stuart: Okay, I can give you 20 bucks for the whole box.
Raj: But you charged me hundreds for this stuff.
Stuart: I know. And I did it with a straight face.
Raj: But I need to earn enough money so I can go to Comic-Con.
Stuart: Well, all right. I’ll give you 25 bucks. That’s my best offer.
Raj: I have no choice.
Stuart: You know, if you want to make extra money, I could throw some work your way.
Raj: Really? I’ll do anything.
Stuart: Great, you’re hired. First thing you can do is put price tags on these. Start the little ones at fifty.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny: You know, it’s no big deal. I can put up with anything for three days.
Amy: Comic-Con’s five days.
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Amy: Why don’t you just tell him you don’t want to go?
Penny: I can’t, it’ll break his heart. You know, he’s always making an effort to do things with me he doesn’t enjoy, like going outside.
Amy: He is an indoor cat.
Penny: You know, maybe it won’t be that bad. Leonard says it’s really mainstream now. Comic books aren’t just for sad nerds any more. I mean, it is still a key part of their demographic.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house. Raj rings the doorbell.
Bernadette (off): Howie, can you get that?
Howard (off): Kind of busy.
Bernadette (off): Busy like I’ll be with the baby if you go to San Diego?
Howard: Hey.
Raj: What’s with the gloves?
Howard: They complete my ensemble. What do you want?
Raj: I’m looking to make extra money and was wondering if you had any chores I could do.
Howard: Hang on. Bernie, can I outsource my chores to an Indian guy?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: I tried.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, I was thinking, if you want to do a couples costume, we could paint ourselves green and be Hulk and She-Hulk. Or we could paint ourselves blue and go as Nightcrawler and Mystique.
Penny: Is there any scenario where we’re not in full body paint?
Leonard: Yeah, if you want us to look like losers.
Penny: Hey, um, are you sure the guys are okay with me coming?
Leonard: Yeah, of course, why?
Penny: This is just something you usually do together, and if I’m screwing it up, I don’t have to go.
Leonard: Oh, why? Do you not want to go?
Penny: Why? Do you not want me to go?
Leonard: No, I want you to go.
Penny: Okay, good, ’cause that’s what I want, too.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Leonard: Now we’re going as Hulk and She-Hulk. I don’t want to take my shirt off at Comic-Con.
Sheldon: If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either.
Leonard: Is that nice?
Sheldon: No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.
Leonard: Uh, it’s more complicated than that.
Sheldon: I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.
Leonard: Do you think she’s as honest with you?
Sheldon: I should hope so. When she called me an insensitive jerk, I’d like to think she meant it.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: There’s got to be other ways you can make a quick buck.
Raj: Yeah, you’d think. Ooh, maybe I could sell my blood and sperm.
Bernadette: I really should wear a bell around my neck so you guys can hear me coming.
Raj: Here, let me help you.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Raj: Oh, Double Stuffed Oreos, I remember when I could afford you.
Bernadette: There she goes.
Raj: Stay, I’ll get her.
Bernadette: I appreciate it.
Raj: That’s fine. She and I can cry together.
Bernadette: He’s such a sweetie.
Howard: I know, I wish there was some way we could help him.
Bernadette: If he could find a girl with a job, all his problems would be over.
Howard: Yeah, that’s working out great for me.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Penny says they’re ready to go.
Sheldon: Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit.
Amy: Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying.
Sheldon: I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?
Amy: Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about?
Sheldon: He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.
Amy: Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy.
Sheldon: So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.
Amy: No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Because it’s between them.
Sheldon: Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years.
Penny: Hey.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hey, babe, you want to drive?
Leonard: Sure, or you can.
Penny: No, it’s fine, I know you don’t like the way I drive.
Leonard: I don’t have a problem with your driving.
Sheldon: Are you listening to this? They deceive each other about everything.
Amy: Shh.
Penny: Just so you know, that guy in the parking lot hit me.
Leonard: He wasn’t in a car, but okay.
Penny: Just say you want to drive.
Leonard: I honestly don’t.
Penny: Amy, do us a favour, please drive.
Amy: Sure, happy to.
Leonard: If you want to drive, just drive. I don’t see why this has to be so complicated.
Penny: It’s not complicated. Amy’s driving, that’s it.
Leonard: That’s not it because you’re clearly upset.
Penny: You’re the one who seems upset.
Leonard: Why would I be upset?
Amy: Because you don’t want her to go to Comic-Con.
Sheldon: This is an interesting way to stay out of it.
Penny: Wait, you don’t want me to go?
Leonard: Well, I just don’t think you’re gonna have a good time.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, get this, neither does Penny, that’s why she doesn’t want to go. You set ’em up, I knock ’em down, good job.
Leonard: Why would you say you wanted to go if you didn’t?
Penny: I just thought it would make you happy.
Leonard: O-o-o-okay, hold on, so if you don’t want to go and I don’t need to bring you, is everything good?
Penny: Hold on, I’m trying to decide if I’m mad at you. No, I’m happy I don’t have to go.
Leonard: All right, problem solved.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Not entirely, the fight over who’s going to drive is still…
Amy: Oh, my God, stop talking.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.
Amy: The place looks great. Did you guys get a maid?
Bernadette: Kinda.
Howard: Dinner’s almost ready. If you like meatloaf, I’m sure you’ll like its cousin, bowl of meat.
Penny: Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.
Raj: Thank you, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to Comic-Con this year.
Sheldon: Well, with as much debt as you have, probably not next year either.
Bernadette: Howie?
Howard: Sure. This is for you.
Raj: What’s this?
Bernadette: It’s back pay for all the babysitting and taking care of Halley you’ve done.
Howard: There’s more than enough in there to cover Comic-Con.
Stuart: Um, I also take care of Halley.
Bernadette: And you live here for free.
Stuart: I do, ma’am, thank you, ma’am.
Raj: This is so generous of you, I, um, I don’t know what to say.
Leonard: Now you can come with us.
Penny: Yeah, there’s room in the bed by Sheldon’s feet.
Raj: As much as I appreciate this, I can’t accept it, okay? Halley’s my goddaughter, I don’t take care of her for money.
Stuart: I would.
Bernadette: Keep it. Consider it a gift.
Sheldon: Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?
Bernadette: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight.
Raj: It doesn’t matter. I’m not keeping this. I’m trying to pay my own way and be responsible. Taking handouts won’t help that.
Amy: So you’re not going to Comic-Con?
Raj: I’ve been plenty of times. If I miss one, it’s fine. I’m a big boy.
Sheldon: I’m a big boy, and if I missed one, I’d throw a big-boy tantrum.
Leonard: You know what? I’ve gone 12 times. Maybe I’ll sit out this year, too.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. Maybe you and I can do something fun that weekend.
Penny: Ooh, how about white-water rafting?
Leonard: Oh, how about we compromise and go on the Small World ride at Disneyland?
Howard: You know what, I’m not gonna go either. I’m a father now. I’d rather spend time with my family.
Bernadette: You just don’t want to go alone with Sheldon.
Howard: I’m gonna go check on dinner.
Amy: Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say?
Sheldon: Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.
Amy: By yourself?
Sheldon: Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.
Stuart: I’ll go with you.
Sheldon: That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: There’s my pretty girlfriend.
Amy: I’m not going with you to Comic-Con.
Sheldon: What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?
Amy: He can, but it’s still not changing my mind.
Sheldon: Well, maybe what’s in my pants will change your mind. It’s a list of this year’s panelists. It’s long, isn’t it?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Aw, man, did you see this post from Raj?
Penny: What? Is it another video of him and his dog Lady-and-the-Tramping some spaghetti?
Leonard: No. He can’t afford his apartment, and he’s asking if anyone knows of a cheap place to live. I want to say India, but it seems mean.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: What’s so funny?
Howard: Raj is looking for a cheap place to live, and I wrote India.
Bernadette: Don’t post that, be supportive.
Howard: Maybe you should be supportive of my hilarious jokes. Fine, what should we do?
Bernadette: We’re smart. I’m sure we can think of something.
Howard: You want to let him live here?
Bernadette: Oh, we’re smarter than that.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Sheldon: I know our apartment’s small, but I think we can make room.
Amy: No, Sheldon. We are not getting a life-size Spider-Man statue.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: We do have Sheldon’s old room. If he really needs a place to stay, I guess we should offer it to him.
Penny: You’re a good friend.
Leonard: Am I still a good friend if I wait and hope that Howard offers him a place to live first?
Penny: You’re an even better husband.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: I know if the roles were reversed, he would do it for me.
Bernadette: Where would he stay? We already have Stuart.
Howard: Well, we can make some space in the garage. Maybe put a cot out there, get him a space heater, maybe a hot plate.
Bernadette: That sounds awful.
Howard: Let’s hope he thinks so, too.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Amy: For the last time, no Hulk, no Batman, no life-size statues.
Sheldon: Wow. I’m starting to think you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to spruce up the place.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (answering phone): Hello.
Howard: Hey, uh, so we’ve been talking, and if you need a place to stay, we’d be happy to fix up the garage for you.
Raj: That would be amazing. I was literally just looking at my moving boxes, trying to pick one to live in.
Howard: I know it’s not ideal, but you’d have plenty of space for your furniture, and there’s this cool button that makes an entire wall go up and down.
Raj: I cannot thank you enough.
Howard: It is our pleasure. (beep, beep, beep) Hey, can you hold on one sec? Hello?
Leonard: Hey, buddy, you still looking for a place to live?
Raj: Uh, yeah. Why do you ask?
Leonard: You know, we have the extra bedroom, and if you need it, it’s yours.
Raj: Oh, my God, that’s so generous.
Leonard: It’s the least we can do.
Raj: I really appreciate it. Uh, can you hold on one second? Hey, so, Howard, what’s the bathroom situation gonna be?
Howard: Well, there’s a sink out there, that takes care of half your problems.
Raj: But I can use the downstairs bathroom, right?
Howard: Yeah. We barely use it, so it’ll be like it’s yours.
Raj: Cool, cool, yeah, yeah, hold on one second.
Howard: What?
Raj: Hey, what’s it like sharing a bathroom with Penny? Is there hair everywhere? Does she use your loofah?
Leonard: I don’t have a loofah.
Raj: Okay, well, if I move in, you can’t use mine. Hold on a second. Hey, Howard, uh, how’s the Wi-Fi in the garage?
Howard: I don’t know. Why are you asking all these questions?
Raj: Well, to be honest, Leonard’s on the other line, and he offered me their spare bedroom.
Howard: Great. Go live there.
Raj: But you made the garage sound so fun.
Howard: I just didn’t want you to feel bad about it. Unless Leonard’s apartment also has a raccoon that chews its way in on cold nights, go there.
Raj: One second. Okay, I think we’re close. How do you feel about a mini-fridge in my room?
Penny: Hey, pal, you want to live here or not?
Raj: Oh, uh, hi, Penny. Yes, please.
Scene: The lobby.
Leonard: Hey.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine.
Penny: What’s it for?
Sheldon: Roofing.
Penny: Yeah, it’s yours.
Sheldon: Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.
Leonard: Yeah, for a little while.
Sheldon: What about his dog?
Penny: She’ll be in her crate, it’s not a big deal.
Sheldon: I suppose that’s acceptable.
Amy: Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.
Sheldon: If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.
Leonard: And I think it’s nice that you’re taking whatever medication Amy’s clearly giving you.
Sheldon: And what is that supposed to mean?
Penny: Well, it’s like that science thing. For every action, you have a gigantic and annoying reaction.
Leonard: Just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it.
Leonard: Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it.
Amy: Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right.
Sheldon: I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.
Amy: But you are, aren’t you?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m outraged.
Amy: Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.
Sheldon: Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me.
Amy: There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room.
Sheldon: Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.
Amy: And there is the love of which I speak.
Sheldon: I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.
Amy: Well, this isn’t an easy time for him. He’s losing his apartment, he’s in debt, he’s probably humiliated.
Sheldon: Yes, probably. But until we know for sure, how can I feel better?
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Can I get anyone anything at all?
Penny: Raj, you don’t have to serve us.
Raj: It’s the least I can do for helping me carry my stuff up.
Howard: It was really no problem.
Bernadette: Not for you, box of towels.
Raj: Anyway, thanks again.
Howard: Hey, look at that. You’ve got a Raj, we’ve got a Stuart. Maybe we should take them both to the park and let them run around together.
Leonard: I don’t know. Yours looks like he has worms.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: You ready to go?
Sheldon: All set.
Amy: What’s that?
Sheldon: A housewarming gift for Raj.
Amy: Well, a bunch of fake snakes better not spring out of it, ’cause that was a lousy anniversary present.
Sheldon: It’s nothing like that. I just, I thought about Raj’s situation, and I had a change of heart. You know, and regarding your gift, you said surprise me, and, boy, did I. Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Perfect timing. Food’s ready.
Sheldon: Uh, wait, before we eat, I have a little welcome to the building gift for Raj.
Penny: Wait, is anything gonna jump out of that.
Amy: No. I already asked.
Raj: Thank you, Sheldon. It’s a blank notebook.
Sheldon: Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too.
Howard: He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.
Raj: This means a lot.
Sheldon: Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.
Raj: You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk.
Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?
Everyone: Yes.
Sheldon: I thought that was gonna break the other way.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Maybe we should just eat at our place.
Sheldon: Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.
Raj: What do I have to be happy about? My life’s a wreck.
Sheldon: How come he can say it and I can’t?
Amy: Just keep walking.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Beverley (on skype): Hello, Sheldon. What a pleasant surprise. How are you?
Sheldon: Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days.
Beverley: Oh, I just say that because he prattles. What’s going on?
Sheldon: Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.
Beverley: Mm. Well, what do you think the loss of your room represents?
Sheldon: Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?
Beverley: Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes?
Sheldon: I have.
Beverley: Clearly, your old room represents an escape hatch, and without it, you’re forced to confront the terrifying reality of being trapped in a relationship with Amy forever.
Sheldon: I hadn’t thought about that.
Amy: And don’t start thinking about it now.
Beverley: Hello, Amy. Your defensiveness may indicate similar insecurities about your relationship with Sheldon.
Amy: That’s not true.
Beverley: She said defensively.
Amy: This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.
Beverley: Interesting. They’ve found a need to take yet another room mate. Seems they’re avoiding some harsh realities themselves.
Sheldon: I had no idea all our relationships were such a disaster. Boy, you’re good.
Beverley: That is the word on the street, dear.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Maybe moving in was a bad idea. I haven’t been here one day, I’m already causing problems.
Penny: You didn’t do anything. It’s Sheldon.
Leonard: You didn’t do anything, it’s Sheldon. That’d make a nice needlepoint pillow.
Penny: So, relax. We’re happy to have you.
Raj: Thank you, but how do I know you’re not saying that just to be nice?
Penny: Do you actually pay for that haircut?
Raj: That’ll do it.
Sheldon: Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?
Raj: Sheldon, she’s fine.
Sheldon: Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.
Raj: Thank you. I appreciate that.
Sheldon: No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.
Leonard: I don’t know who you talked to, but that wasn’t my mother.
Sheldon: Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.
Penny: What are you talking about? We’re fine.
Sheldon: Yes, you’re fine as long as you have a buffer living with you to distract from your marital problems. It used to be me. Now it’s Raj and his attack Tribble. Anyway, I’m sorry for everything. Oh, and FYI, if you cry while they’re fighting, they’ll take you to McDonald’s.
Scene: The apartment.
Beverley (on skype): Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Why are you saying we have marital problems? We don’t have marital problems.
Beverley: I see. You must be yelling at me out of wedded bliss.
Leonard: Look, just because we took our friend in does not mean that Penny and I are afraid to be alone.
Penny: Yeah, this is a special circumstance.
Beverley: Sheldon mentioned you tried to get your brother to live with you, as well.
Penny: Yeah, well, a circumstance can happen twice and still be special.
Beverley: Do you agree with that?
Leonard: Well, now that you point it out…
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard: We do seem to keep finding room mates.
Penny: Now you’re taking her side?
Beverley: Dear, I would never come between you and Leonard. That’s for your parade of room mates to do.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Raj: Howard? Howard? It’s me, it’s just me.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Raj: Well, I texted you, but you didn’t respond. Leonard and Penny were arguing.
Stuart: Not on my watch.
Bernadette: It’s fine. It’s just Raj. You can hit him with the bat, but it’s fine.
Stuart: And if my heart stops, just let me go.
Raj: I’m sorry, guys. Sheldon was upset, Leonard and Penny were fighting, I just wanted to go some place where I wasn’t causing problems.
Howard: I’ll say it again. India.
Raj: Can I just stay in the garage?
Bernadette: Don’t do that. We’ll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.
Raj: Thank you.
Stuart: Come on, I’ll get you some sheets. Then I’ll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.
Howard: Never should’ve had all these kids so close together.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Amy: You okay?
Sheldon: I can’t sleep.
Amy: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.
Amy: Is that bothering you?
Sheldon: Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything.
Amy: I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain.
Sheldon: What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?
Amy: I don’t know. I just think you’re the kind of person who likes a contingency plan.
Sheldon: That is true. Did you know I figured out in which order I would eat all my friends in the event of an apocalypse?
Amy: You need to stop hanging out with your brain so much. It’s not a good influence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s living room.
Stuart: If you’re looking for spare change, I already cleaned it out.
Raj: Well, didn’t think this is where my life would be.
Stuart: Me, either. I’m in a bedroom and you’re on a couch. I’m actually winning.
Raj: You know, we’re both down on our luck. Maybe you and I should try to get a place together.
Stuart: Okay, listen to me. There is no reason to leave here. This is great. Everyone’s nice. It’s comfortable. If all goes according to plan, this is my retirement home.
Raj: Wouldn’t you feel better about yourself if you were more independent?
Stuart: Better than I feel in their steam shower? I don’t think so.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Penny would be the entree. Then Leonard’s basically a cheese course. And because I love you, you’re dessert.
Amy: I want to say aw, but I’m gonna say ew.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s living room.
Raj: No, you see, I’m doing this so I can stop being spoiled and, you know, grow as a person.
Stuart: Good for you. This sandwich has six dollars worth of ham in it.
Raj: Don’t you even feel a little bad sponging off your friends?
Stuart: Hey, look, I went to art college, I tried to make it as a graphic artist, a comic book artist, and you know what I got for my efforts? A visible rib cage. I’m not kidding. You could see my heart beating.
Raj: Well, no offence, but I didn’t go to art school. I have a PhD in astrophysics.
Stuart: Oh, great, it’ll be easier for you to look up at the stars without a roof over your head.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Morning.
Leonard: Did you know Raj moved out last night?
Penny: What? Why?
Leonard: Leonard and Penny, I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. I went to stay at Howard’s. PS Cinnamon’s with me, but if you feel like messing with Sheldon, tell him she’s loose in the building.
Penny: I feel terrible.
Leonard: Should we go bring him back?
Penny: Well, you’re the one worried having someone live with us is a sign of problems.
Leonard: Oh, that was just because my mother got in my head. It’s like being possessed, but instead of Satan it’s, actually, it’s the same thing.
Penny: All right, so we’ll ask him to come back.
Leonard: Well, great.
Penny: Don’t you want to get dressed first?
Leonard: Just one second. Help, Cinnamon’s loose in the building.
Sheldon (off): Amy, quick, lock the door.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s living room.
Penny: We’re so sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable. We really weren’t fighting about you.
Raj: I just never want to be a burden on my friends.
Stuart: Me, either. Don’t want to be a burden. Hey, is that the baby? I’ll go check.
Leonard: You are not a burden, and we want you to come back and stay with us.
Raj: But I also upset Sheldon, and he’s not gonna want to come over if I’m there.
Penny: More reasons for you to stay.
Stuart: Halley’s fine.
Bernadette: You know she’s at my parents’ house, right?
Stuart: And she’s having the time of her life.
Howard: If you ever want to change things up, you’re always welcome here.
Bernadette: Just not in our bedroom, you dumbass.
Raj: I appreciate it, but I think staying with Leonard and Penny makes more sense for everyone.
Penny: Then it’s settled.
Raj: And just so you know, it’s only temporary. I’m not gonna get too comfortable.
Bernadette: Good. Nobody needs a mooch living in their house forever.
Stuart: Hey, that’s no way to talk about your baby.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: You know what? I’m proud of us. Yeah, with Penny and Leonard taking in Raj, and Stuart living with Howard and Bernadette, we’re the only couple of our social group who doesn’t need to fill the holes in their relationship with a third party.
Amy: Yup, we’re killin’ it.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know, downward-facing dog comes from the Sanskrit phrase adho mukha shvanasana.
Penny: Oh, that’s beautiful. What does it mean?
Raj: Downward-facing dog.
Penny: Yeah, I guess they don’t have Sanskrit for butts up and heads down.
Raj: Hey, we wrote the Kama Sutra. If it involves butts, there’s a word for it.
Leonard: I thought we were getting breakfast before work.
Penny: Oh, right, sorry.
Raj: It’s my fault. I asked Penny to do yoga with me.
Penny: If you want, I can get ready in five minutes.
Leonard: It’s cute that you think that. Don’t worry about it.
Raj: Hey, can I ask you a favour? Would you mind taking Cinnamon for a walk?
Leonard: Sure. You’re living here for free, I guess I owe you.
Raj: Bye, Cinnamon. Be a good girl.
Penny: Yeah, bye, sweetie.
Leonard: Bye.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, bye, Leonard.
Raj: Okay, and tree pose.
Leonard: Well, she’s done.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Sheldon: Things have been going really well with the infinite resistance gyroscope.
Amy: That’s great. How so?
Sheldon: Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting.
Amy: Why don’t you ask me what I’m working on?
Sheldon: Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.
Amy: I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it.
Sheldon: So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.
Amy: Yes, I’m trying to figure out to the nanometer and the attosecond, precisely where and when an event of awareness takes place.
Sheldon: Well, what do you know? Here I was, waiting to be bored with biology, and instead you tickle my intellectual fancy. Which, unlike my body, is an okay place to tickle.
Amy: You know, when I was six, I wanted to marry the gorilla from Good Night, Gorilla. Maybe I was onto something.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.
Howard: Unless it was singing Be Our Guest, I doubt it.
Sheldon: Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up?
Raj: The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.
Leonard: He does raise an interesting point.
Sheldon: Amy is studying the time lag between intent and awareness, and I realized that applies to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics. Now, I recognize there will be a time lag between me saying that and you Googling what it means, so I’ll wait.
Leonard: I understand it, Sheldon.
Raj: Yeah, me, too.
Howard: I’m sorry, I spaced. Are we still talking about the spoon?
Raj: It’s nice to see you taking an interest in Amy’s work.
Sheldon: Well, don’t get me wrong. Neurobiology’s nothing more than the science of gray squishy stuff. But, you know, when it connects to physics, gas up the Ford, Martha, we’re going for a drive.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: So did you confront Jennifer?
Penny: No, I was going to, but she called in sick. And guess who else called in sick.
Raj: Paul.
Penny: Paul.
Leonard: Who’s Paul?
Penny: Oh, you met him at the office Christmas party. He’s married to Nancy.
Leonard: Oh, sure. Wait, Nancy?
Penny: I bet Jennifer gets a promotion out of this, which is so unfair because I work twice as hard as she does.
Raj: Don’t worry, Jerry won’t be fooled by that type of behaviour.
Leonard: Jerry?
Raj: It didn’t work for Randy, it didn’t work for Tina, it sure as hell isn’t gonna work for Jennifer.
Penny: Well, I hope not. I just hate when people play those kinds of games.
Leonard: Tina?
Raj: With your sales record, you have nothing to worry about.
Penny: Mm.
Leonard: I went to your office Christmas party?
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: You know, I like harp lessons, but I’m thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. What are you working on?
Sheldon: I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation.
Amy: Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?
Sheldon: It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.
Amy: Sheldon, this is really interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.
Amy: You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship?
Sheldon: That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.
Amy: Well, that would make me feel better.
Sheldon: All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.
Amy: That’s a ridiculous rule.
Sheldon: Is it?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, how is that?
Raj: I can actually feel the toxins being pulled out of my skin.
Penny: Well, this is a moisturizing mask.
Raj: Oh, well, then I can actually feel the moisture going into my skin.
Penny: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, I used a little of your eye cream last night.
Raj: I thought someone looked brighter and tighter.
Leonard: I’d still like to know who Jerry is.
Penny: Don’t worry about it. Hey, after this, how about we all go out and do something together?
Leonard: That would be great. Thank you.
Raj: You want to go shopping?
Penny: Ooh, yes. Fun.
Leonard: Or we could do something we’ll all enjoy, like play a board game.
Montage of shopping scenes.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: I believe I’ve made some progress on our ground rules.
Amy: Oh, good. What are they?
Sheldon: Okay, uh, number one, in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say. Unless I disagree. Oh, here. Number two, when we publish,
my name goes first. Oh, subsequently, if we win any awards, I speak first. I don’t want to be talking when the orchestra plays us off.
Amy: Can I see that?
Sheldon: Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: Sheldon, if we’re gonna have ground rules, I’ll tell you the first ground rule. I make the ground rules.
Sheldon: I’d write that down, but I can’t now, can I?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s minivan.
Leonard: I mean, they didn’t say anything, but I just kind of felt like I was being a weird third wheel.
Howard: Huh, so you can tell what that feels like. Interesting.
Leonard: Anyway, I figured I can hang out with my friends and have fun, too.
Bernadette: Well, if your idea of fun is riding in a minivan to Target for diapers, things are about to get nuts.
Leonard: Oh, it’s just nice to be with people who are happy to have me around. Isn’t that right, Halley?
Halley: (cries)
Howard: Well, at least someone had the courage to say it.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s door.
Sheldon: Thank you, you are a good citizen. Told you. Go ahead, throw my underwear out the window. Same thing’s gonna happen.
Amy: Terrific. Do you want to hear our new set of ground rules?
Sheldon: Fire away.
Amy: Number one, we’re on the same team, we’re not in competition.
Sheldon: That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.
Amy: Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid.
Sheldon: Aw, someone drew a penis in it.
Amy: Are you listening?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, go ahead.
Amy: Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat.
Sheldon: Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.
Amy: Whatever you want. So, shall we get to work?
Sheldon: Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.
Montage of Sheldon and Amy working together.
Amy: Wow. Look at that.
Sheldon: Yes, this is remarkable.
Amy: So we’re agreed, it’s complete garbage.
Sheldon: By the way, your name can go first.
Scene: Inside a store.
Leonard: I mean, I’m glad they’re getting along, but it’s starting to make me uncomfortable.
Bernadette: Well, are you worried he’s like another man in her life?
Leonard: A little, until I saw them in matching tops.
Howard: Nice. 174 diapers. That ought to get us to Wednesday.
Bernadette: Well, have you talked to them about it?
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to say, stop having fun without me?
Howard: This one says that every time I go out. See? I listen to you.
Bernadette: Look, Raj just gets along with women.
Leonard: I know, but he was my friend first. It’s like she’s stealing him and they’re just having the best time doing all their dumb girly stuff together.
Howard: You sure you don’t fit in? You sound like a catty bitch to me.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: I don’t know where we went wrong.
Sheldon: Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense.
Amy: Well, don’t give up. Maybe we can fix it.
Sheldon: Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.
Amy: I can hear your face talking, so we’re even.
Sheldon: All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.
Amy: Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better?
Sheldon: No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.
Amy: You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea.
Sheldon: Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.
Amy: That would mean that this delayed parameter should be increased 250 milliseconds.
Sheldon: Oh, that is much better. Yeah, boy, if good ideas came out of your brain the way mucus comes out of your nose, we’d be in good shape.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Now, take a sip, swirl it around your mouth, and try to notice the flavours, the tannins, the textures. Well?
Penny: I probably should have spit out my gum first.
Raj: Yeah. You know, the last couple of weeks have been pretty rough, but, uh, staying here with you guys has really helped take my mind off of it.
Penny: Mm. Well, we’ve loved having you around. Right, sweetie? Leonard?
Raj: When did he leave?
Penny: Yeah, that’s rude.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s minivan.
Leonard: You know, it’s nice to spend time with people who don’t talk about work like it’s some kind of soap opera.
Bernadette: Jennifer still trying to sleep her way to the top?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: You should be happy someone wants to do the stuff with Penny you don’t want to.
Bernadette: Yeah, I wish I had that with Howard.
Howard: Wait. What? What do I make you do?
Bernadette: Let’s see, the magic store, the Doctor Who convention, the National Belt Buckle Collector’s meet and greet.
Howard: It said right there on the invitation, buckle up for fun. It’s not my fault you didn’t listen.
Leonard: I’m sure I’m overreacting.
Bernadette: You’re entitled to feel how you feel. If you don’t like it, you should just talk to her.
Leonard: I don’t want to sound like a jealous baby.
Bernadette: Oh, then maybe you shouldn’t talk to her.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model, but I didn’t say anything ’cause you’re so sensitive.
Sheldon: Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive.
Amy: Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex.
Sheldon: That is a daring and insightful solution.
Amy: We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting.
Sheldon: What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?
Amy: I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.
Sheldon: Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.
Amy: How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero.
Sheldon: It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.
Amy: There’s only one clear choice.
Sheldon: Science it is.
Amy: No, you bonehead.
Sheldon: Name calling, that is perfect. Now, when I get to this equation here, really let me have it. You know? If it helps, I’m not the sharpest dresser.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Anyway, I know it’s silly, but since Raj moved in, I’ve been feeling a little left out.
Penny: Well, sweetie, that’s crazy.
Raj: No, no, Penny, don’t dismiss his feelings.
Leonard: Thank you. I just feel…
Raj: Hang on, I’m not saying that his feelings aren’t crazy. I just don’t want him to think that this isn’t a safe place.
Leonard: Well, to be truthful…
Penny: Well, why wouldn’t this be a safe place? I mean, he’s surrounded by his wife and one of his best friends.
Raj: I don’t want to speak for Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you. I…
Raj: But when you’re insecure, no amount of external validation can ever make you feel safe.
Penny: Yeah, you’re right. You know, you’re really sensitive about this kind of stuff.
Raj: I’m a good listener.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Hey, Olsen twins…
Penny: What?
Leonard: Well, I mean, I’m sitting right here. You’re talking about my feelings and somehow leaving me out of the conversation.
Raj: I’m sorry. What did you want to say?
Leonard: I don’t know, you pretty much covered it.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Can you read them back?
Amy: Revised ground rule number one, we are on the same team, but it is a competition.
Sheldon: Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk.
Amy: Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face.
Sheldon: I love that one.
Amy: Thanks, babe. Number three, fair topics for insult include educational pedigree, scientific field, intellectual prowess, and mamas.
Sheldon: Yeah, that list is strong. Like your mother’s urge to be promiscuous with sailors.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, Leonard, if you’re not busy tomorrow, I have to do a little reception after work.
Leonard: Oh, I would, but we need to make a push on the air force project.
Penny: Oh, are you sure? We’re celebrating our new ADD drug, and it’ll probably be over in, like, six minutes.
Amy: Did you say you guys are working on the guidance system tomorrow?
Leonard: Yeah, why?
Amy: Well, Sheldon said that he was gonna work with me on our quantum perception project.
Leonard: We’ve had this planned for a week.
Amy: Well, he reconfirmed with me this morning.
Raj: Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon.
Penny: Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow?
Raj: Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Why did you tell Leonard you’re working on the gyroscope tomorrow?
Sheldon: Because I am.
Amy: But you said you were working with me.
Penny: Uh-oh. Someone’s got two dates to the nerd prom.
Sheldon: I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.
Leonard: I’m sorry, what is this plan you have?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.
Leonard: When does that start?
Sheldon: Soon. See, I could’ve said in the near future, but I didn’t say in the near future, because in the near future is three more words than soon. In, one, the, two, near, three, future, four. See, in the near future is four, soon is just one, four is more than one, saving time already.
Raj: Genius. I was gonna say, why does anyone think Sheldon’s a genius? But I didn’t.
Scene: The guys laboratory.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I’ve got Amy up and running. Shall we get to work?
Howard: Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal?
Sheldon: These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup.
Leonard: It’s getting harder to pretend.
Howard: Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter.
Sheldon: Run down the pros and cons of each for me.
Howard: Well, if we run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler, it’ll be cooled immediately before it reacts with the conduction.
Sheldon: Oh, sorry, uh, carrot chunk.
Howard: You can just feel the time being saved.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory
Sheldon: Ah, I’m back, you got me for eight minutes.
Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. You can’t expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.
Sheldon: The coefficient isn’t lambda, it’s lambda sub one. And over here, you should consider the possibility that the brain itself is in two different quantum states. And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?
Scene: The guys laboratory
Howard: The rate of spinning for the central axis centrifuge has to be four revolutions per second.
Leonard: It can’t be four revolutions, it’s got to be seven.
Howard: Seven? Look at the board, it’s four.
Leonard: Oh, my God, it’s seven.
Howard: Four.
–
Leonard: Seven.
Sheldon: It’s five and a half.
Howard: Son of a bitch, it’s five and a half.
Sheldon: BRB. That’s short for be right back. I’m saving so much time.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: The two signals meet up in the corpus callosum and T equals zero. And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup.
Amy: Incredible. Sheldon, I didn’t expect that you could work on both projects, but I, I was wrong.
Sheldon: You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That’ll never work. Spoiler, works.
Scene: The guys laboratory.
Leonard: I got to admit, we didn’t think you’d be able to do two things at once.
Sheldon: Yeah, I felt the same way about the platypus. You know, bird and mammal in the same creature? No way. And spoiler, way.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Stuart: Hey.
Bernadette: Hey.
Stuart: Oh, thanks again for letting me use your laptop last night.
Bernadette: No problem.
Stuart: Was just doing my taxes.
Bernadette: Okay.
Stuart: Actually, if I could, if I could just check one more…
Bernadette: Already cleared the browser history.
Stuart: You’re a good woman. What you working on?
Bernadette: Trying to catch up on office e-mails before I go back.
Stuart: Oh, that’s right, maternity leave’s almost over. Ah, you excited?
Bernadette: Yeah, I mean, I’ll miss Halley, but it’ll be nice to get out of the house, be intellectually stimulated. Go out to lunch instead of, you know, be lunch.
Stuart: That’s great, good for you.
Bernadette: Yeah, I mean, with you and my parents, she’s gonna be fine.
Stuart: Ah, of course she is.
Bernadette: And that day care is great.
Stuart: It is. I went to check it out, and they are very cautious about letting strange men with no kids peek in the windows.
Bernadette: Plus, I, I think I’m setting a good example for Halley, to show her that women can be mothers and still have satisfying careers. Sure, she won’t know where I went or if I’m ever coming back. That’ll just make the ten minutes between when I get home and her bedtime even more special.
Stuart: Uh, other than burp you or give you a bottle, I don’t know what to do right now.
Bernadette: It’s okay, I’m just being emotional about this. Can you not tell Howard?
Stuart: Well, don’t you think it’d be healthier if you told him what’s going on with you?
Bernadette: Don’t you think it’d be healthier if you had your own apartment, grown man?
Stuart: Your secret is safe with me.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey, since when do you do laundry on a Thursday?
Sheldon: Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack.
Penny: You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say
God bless you.
Sheldon: Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?
Penny: Oh, yeah. So, Leonard tells me you’ve had a busy day.
Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.
Penny: Are you getting sick?
Sheldon: Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick.
Penny: Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard.
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Penny: All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen.
Sheldon: That didn’t happen.
Penny: You also got a nosebleed watching Up.
Sheldon: Just do your laundry.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Stuart, you didn’t have to make dinner.
Stuart: Yeah, well, I felt bad about upsetting you this morning. And to be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of your meatloaf.
Howard: Hey, what’s for dinner?
Bernadette: Meatloaf.
Howard: Oh, cool.
Bernadette: Stuart made it.
Howard: Oh, cool. Hey, I was thinking maybe we take Halley to the zoo this weekend, get in a little family time before you go back to work.
Bernadette: Sounds great.
Howard: Speaking of which, for day care, it’ll be easy for me to drop her off, unless you want to do it.
Bernadette: Hmm, guess it should be me.
Stuart: I can’t do it. They have a picture of me on file now.
Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: Of course, why?
Howard: Well, I don’t know, you seem a little upset.
Bernadette: No, I’m fine.
Howard: You sure?
Stuart: Why don’t you think she’s fine? She sounds fine, she looks fine. If I saw her on the street I’d say, damn, that girl’s fine.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, you’re sick, go back to bed.
Sheldon: I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (Sneezes) Sorry.
Amy: It’s okay, now I don’t need butter.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.
Amy: You need sleep.
Sheldon: What I need is to get to work.
Amy: Well, I don’t want your germs around me.
Sheldon: What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at a hundred and two fever? What happened to our love?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: What’s going on? How’d I get here?
Leonard: I don’t know, we came home from work and we found you.
Sheldon: Home from work? What time is it?
Penny: It’s nine o’clock.
Sheldon: Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?
Raj: Wait, you don’t remember?
Sheldon: Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.
Leonard: You did seem a little loopy when you showed up at the lab.
Sheldon: At, at the lab? Why am I naked from the waist down?
Raj: I don’t know where your pants are, but we did find your underwear in a pot on the stove.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: My pants are missing, I don’t remember anything. Penny, this is your youth. What do I do?
Penny: I don’t know, check your body for tattoos?
Sheldon: Leonard, would you be a lamb?
Leonard: She’s kidding.
Sheldon: Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.
Raj: It’s right here.
Sheldon: Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no.
Penny: Okay, it’s just a notebook, what’s the big deal?
Sheldon: What’s the big deal? It’s full of classified information about the air force project.
Leonard: How could you lose that?
Amy: It’s okay, I’m sure we’ll find it.
Penny: Look, it’s got to be around here somewhere.
Amy: Maybe it’s wherever your pants are.
Raj: Nope, pants in the microwave, no notebook.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Hey.
Stuart: Ah, hello.
Howard: Look, something’s going on with Bernadette. She say anything to you?
Stuart: Well, nope, not a word.
Howard: Come on, be honest. Did you tell her I tried her breast pump?
Stuart: No, but I did mention it to my therapist.
Howard: Well, I know she’s mad at me about something.
Stuart: Well, what have you done that would upset her?
Howard: Oh, gosh, how much time do you have?
Stuart: Well, why don’t you just start with the worst thing?
Howard: Hmm, let’s see. Mm. Okay, here we go, six years ago, I got a call that Bernie’s great-aunt, Trixie, died.
Stuart: And?
Howard: And I forgot to give her the message.
Stuart: That’s terrible.
Howard: The terrible part is, ever since then, I’ve been sending Bernie Christmas cards from Trixie.
Stuart: Oh Howard.
Howard: Let me finish, and one card had five dollars in it I took from Bernie’s purse.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: The notebook isn’t in the bathroom.
Amy: I can’t find it, either. How can he not remember a day?
Penny: Well, people who are abducted by aliens lose time. I mean, maybe it happens to the aliens, too.
Leonard: Well, it’s not across the hall.
Sheldon: That’s it. I’m in breach of my security clearance. I’m going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I’ll be forced to be some large man’s tutor.
Raj: You’re not going to prison.
Leonard: But, boy, it is funny to think about.
Amy: You really can’t remember anything?
Sheldon: I’m trying.
Raj: Wait a minute. Hey, let me see your phone.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Well, it’s, it’s possible it was tracking everywhere you went.
Amy: Phones can do that?
Raj: Yeah, it depends on the privacy settings.
Penny: Oh, that, that’s so cool. How do you, how do you turn that thing off?
Leonard: Relax. I know when you go for a run, you stop for a donut.
Penny: I don’t even run there, I drive.
Raj: Hang on, I can see every place you went.
Sheldon: What does it say?
Raj: Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard.
Sheldon: Where?
Raj: Wait, hang on. Did you go to a cowboy bar?
Sheldon: I, no, that is preposterous. Maybe.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Hey, how’s it going?
Bernadette: Fine.
Howard: Good. Love you.
Bernadette: Love you, too.
Howard: Love you more.
Bernadette: Okay, you won. Can I finish what I’m doing?
Howard: Sure, sorry.
Bernadette: Something on your mind?
Howard: No, no, nothing. Okay, well, maybe I’m just feeling like something’s bothering you.
Bernadette: Nope, all good.
Howard: Prove it, make love to me right now on the kitchen floor.
Bernadette: No, what is wrong with you?
Howard: Aha, you are upset. I don’t know a lot about women, but I know I upset them.
Bernadette: Howard, I’m sorry if I’m being weird, but it has nothing to do with you.
Howard: It doesn’t?
Bernadette: No. I didn’t want to tell you, but I’m having a really tough time about going back to work.
Howard: Oh. Okay, well, I get that. It was hard for me when I went back.
Bernadette: It was?
Howard: Of course. I missed you and the baby and being able to watch Ellen every day.
Bernadette: I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. If I go back to work, I’m abandoning Halley. If I don’t go, I’m giving up everything I worked for. It’s like there’s no right choice.
Howard: Look, I don’t know what the best decision is, either. But whatever we choose, if we’re not happy, we can undo it.
Bernadette: I guess.
Howard: And the best part is Halley won’t remember a thing. Babies are cute, but they’re dumb. I mean, I go like this, she thinks I’m gone, then magically I’m back. I mean honestly, why are we saving for college?
Bernadette: I’m not crazy about you calling our baby dumb.
Howard; Well, she gets it from me. Speaking of which, I have some news about your Aunt Trixie.
Scene: A cowboy bar.
Raj: Does this place look familiar?
Sheldon: It’s hard to say.
Barman: Hey, Sheldon’s back.
Bar patrons: Sheldon!
Sheldon: It’s getting clearer.
Barman: You gonna buy another round for the house?
Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.
Leonard: Ask him.
Sheldon: Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?
Raj: These here parts?
Sheldon: It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.
Barman: Here you go.
Sheldon: Oh, thank goodness.
Barman: One top secret quantum guidance system.
Leonard: You understood the math?
Barman: No, but Sheldon told me all about it. He told everybody.
Leonard: That’s just great.
Barman: Oh, don’t worry, he made us pinky swear we’d keep it a secret.
Flashback
Sheldon: I swear.
Everyone: I swear:
Sheldon: Not to tell anyone.
Everyone: Not to tell anyone.
Sheldon: The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.
Everyone: The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.
End of flashback
Sheldon: We really need to skedaddle. Thank you.
Raj: Bye.
Barman: See you. Should probably erase this.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Thank you for making me tea.
Amy: You’re welcome. How is it?
Sheldon: Yummy. And warm on my back.
Amy: Do you need anything else?
Sheldon: You know exactly what I need.
Amy: Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: That’s nice. Now in German.
Amy: Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt.
Sheldon: Great. Now Mandarin.
Amy: Sings in Mandarin. *
Sheldon: Now Navajo.
* (I have been unable to find a proper transcription of the Mandarin lyrics. If anyone who speaks Mandarin is able to send me a full transcription, I will include the lyrics here.)
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: All right, we’re about to go live, everyone on their A-game, good energy. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: And welcome to a special retrospective, where we will take a look back at the history of Fun with Flags on an episode we’re calling…
Together: Fun with Flags: Behind the Flags: A Retrospective.
Howard (singing): Wondering how it all began?
Raj (singing): You’ll need a good attention span.
Howard (singing): For information and entertainment.
Raj (singing): That’s equally effective.
Together (singing): It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags.
Sheldon: Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.
Amy: Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began.
Sheldon: So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.
Amy: Could have played that on my harp.
Sheldon: Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.
Leonard: I honestly don’t remember.
Sheldon: Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…
Penny: Oh, wait. I remember.
Sheldon: Oh, and do you remember what you said?
Penny: Yes. Please find someone who cares.
Sheldon: And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones.
Amy: Almost 200. Many of them on purpose.
Sheldon: And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments.
Amy: And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.
Bert: Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It’s Bert.
Sheldon: Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query?
Bert: I have a girlfriend.
Amy: And what does that have to do with flags?
Bert: Nothing. I just wanted everyone to know I have a girlfriend.
Sheldon: Bert, you’re tying up the line. My apologies to all of you trying to call in with legitimate flag comments.
Amy: Ooh, ooh. All right. We have our next caller.
Bert: Her name’s Rebecca.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s van.
Howard: Should we get lunch or you want to eat at the zoo? Oh, Howie, I don’t need food as long as I can look at my phone.
Bernadette: I don’t like when you imitate me.
Howard: You want to hear my Stuart? It’s been a while since I’ve gone on a date. You mind if we watch the monkeys doing it?
Stuart: I said that to you in confidence.
Howard: This is supposed to be our family fun day. What’s so important on your phone?
Bernadette: I’m on the day care’s website.
Howard: Stop looking at that. The day care’s great. It’s on campus. My office is two minutes away. There’s nothing to worry about.
Bernadette: What if she likes the people who work there more than us?
Howard: She already likes soap bubbles more than us.
Bernadette: When I go back to work, we’re gonna leave her with these people. We don’t know anything about them.
Howard: They’re highly-trained educators with background checks. They’re even required to be current on all vaccinations.
Stuart: You leave her with me, and I’m not any of those things.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Where’s Howard?
Raj: He took the day off.
Sheldon: Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am.
Leonard: So Howard back Monday?
Raj: Yeah.
Bert: Hey, guys.
Sheldon: Oh, hello.
Leonard: Hey. Want to join us?
Sheldon: Ah-ah-ah, he’s a geologist, and I have more physics jokes.
Raj: Oh, quick, sit.
Leonard: So, Sheldon says you have a new girlfriend.
Sheldon: Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night.
Bert: Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I guess I just love love.
Raj: Well, I’m very happy for you.
Leonard: Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us?
Sheldon: Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman.
Bert: What do you want to know?
Sheldon: Is she a geologist?
Bert: No.
Sheldon: Oh great, see you at seven.
Scene: The Zoo.
Howard: How about after this we go see the exotic bird show?
Stuart: Not a good idea. My hair is a coveted nesting material.
Howard: Learning anything?
Bernadette: Well, sloth babies cling to their mothers’ bodies for almost a year. I’m going back to work after only four months, so I’ve learned I hate myself, I hate sloths, and I hate you for bringing me here.
Howard: Me I get, but that sloth is pretty cute.
Bernadette: It’s not just the sloth. Polar bears nurse their cubs for almost eight months. The orangutan mother builds her baby a new home every night. And what do I do? I choose my career over my child.
Stuart: Told you we should have gone to Legoland.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Can’t believe Bert has a girlfriend and I don’t.
Amy: I thought you were taking a break from women to focus on your career.
Raj: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: Don’t you have any friends he can date?
Penny: Hey, I already set up Howard and Bernadette. It’s your turn to ruin some poor girl’s life.
Raj: Oh, hey, guys. Come in.
Bert: Thanks. Everyone, this is Rebecca.
Rebecca: Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: She’s younger and far more attractive than he is. They’re copying you two.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: What are you making?
Stuart: Chicken. Birds mess with my hair, I come back hard.
Howard: Finally get Halley down?
Bernadette: Yeah, eventually. She’s still not happy about taking a bottle, though.
Howard: Look, if you’re not ready to go back to work, we’ll figure something out.
Bernadette: No, I’ll be fine.
Stuart: It might be good for her. Howard’s mother was around him all the time, and he’s a world-class mama’s boy.
Howard: I mean, why would you say that?
Stuart: Go ahead, have a tantrum, that’ll prove me wrong.
Bernadette: It would be nice to raise Halley to be a little more independent than you were.
Howard: I guess. It wasn’t until college that I learned you can put a thermometer in your mouth.
Stuart: On that charming note, dinner is served.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So is this your first time dating a scientist? ‘Cause I’m thinking of starting a support group.
Rebecca: Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist.
Sheldon: Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.
Rebecca: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.
Sheldon: See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.
Amy: It wasn’t a time-out. Let’s get some food.
Sheldon: You made me sit on the stairs and think about what I did.
Amy: Get your food.
Raj: So how did you two meet?
Rebecca: Oh, it’s such a cute story. We met on a dating Web site.
Leonard: Is that it?
Rebecca: Oh, sorry. The end.
Raj: That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online.
Bert: I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile.
Sheldon: What’d you do, delete your photo?
Amy: Go.
Sheldon: Fine.
Amy: And don’t you slam that door.
Sheldon: Aw, man.
Rebecca: Did I say something wrong?
Leonard: No, it’s always him.
Penny: , Bert, you were telling us how you updated your profile?
Bert: Right. I wasn’t getting any responses, and then I added recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner, and five minutes later I met my soul mate.
Amy: I was wrong. You can come back in.
Leonard: So, Rebecca, how did you become a personal trainer?
Rebecca: I came to Los Angeles to be an actress, and things didn’t really work out.
Sheldon: I’d say she’s copying you again, but I’m getting tired of sitting in the hall.
Raj: I’d love a personal trainer. I haven’t seen my abs since they opened a Shake Shack on my drive home.
Rebecca: I could give you some free sessions.
Penny: Oh, is that offer for everybody?
Leonard: Nice try. I’m not going.
Rebecca: Where’s your bathroom?
Leonard: Mm, just down there.
Bert: She’s so perfect, sometimes I think she isn’t real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is.
Penny: Aw, that’s so weird.
Amy: I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?
Bert: She better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat-screen.
Sheldon: Your first date? Did you even measure her walls?
Penny: You know, on our first date, Leonard used a coupon to buy me a pretzel.
Leonard: And we lived happily ever after.
Penny: The end.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Well, guess I’m ready to go.
Howard: Have a great first day back.
Bernadette: You have everything she needs for day care?
Stuart: Yep, all in the bag.
Bernadette: Okay. Okay, sweetie, Mommy’s gonna go to work now, so you have fun today.
Howard: I told her if day care is anything like prison, find the biggest baby and knock him out.
Stuart: Bye, cutie. I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna be waiting right here tonight when you get home.
Bernadette: Stop, you’re gonna make me cry.
Howard: Great, now everybody’s crying.
Stuart: At least Halley’s not.
Howard: That’s good.
Bernadette: She’s not gonna see us all day, and she doesn’t even care.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Who’s ready to laugh?
Leonard: O-o-o-o-oh.
Sheldon: Okay. So, Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, it appears
we’re inside a joke. Einstein replies, but only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously. To which Schrodinger says, if someone’s looking in the window, I’m leaving.
Leonard: That’s actually funny.
Raj: You should send that to Jimmy Fallon.
Bert: Hey.
Leonard: Oh, hello. Join us.
Raj: Hey. Yeah. Hey, sorry if last night was awkward.
Bert: Actually, it got me thinking that I shouldn’t flaunt my money to find love. I might break up with Rebecca.
Leonard: Wow, that’s a big step.
Raj: I think it shows a lot of character.
Bert: I’m gonna hold out and see if I can find a hot young blonde who likes me for me.
Sheldon: That’s a good one. Okay, now, Leonard, you tell a joke.
Scene: The daycare.
Bernadette (on phone): How’s she doing?
Howard: She’s great. Look.
Bernadette: I see a wall, floor, some Asian baby, there she is.
Howard: See? Nothing to worry about.
Bernadette: Thank you. Okay, I’m gonna try and get some work done.
Howard: Yeah, me, too. Love you.
Bernadette: Love you, too. Bye.
Stuart: How is she?
Howard: What are you doing here?
Stuart: Can’t a guy hang out at a college he doesn’t go to and stare at a baby that isn’t his?
Howard: I get it. I haven’t even made it to my office yet.
Stuart: Is it weird if we just stand here and watch her all day?
Howard: Probably. We should go.
Stuart: Yeah. Or we could take her to the aquarium.
Howard: I’ll get her, you grab her bag.
Stuart: Hang on, Halley, we’re busting you out of there.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: What are you looking at?
Sheldon: Comments from our Behind the Flags retrospective. Get this, people are calling it the longest one yet.
Bert: Hello? Anybody home?
Leonard: Is that Bert?
Bert: It’s Bert.
Penny: I think it’s Bert.
Raj: Hey, what’s up?
Bert: I broke up with Rebecca.
Penny: Oh.
Amy: Oh. You know, good for you.
Bert: No, I miss her. I don’t know why I listened to you.
Sheldon: He’s not wrong. It was your crackpot idea that he deserves love.
Amy: You know, you need to start raising your hand before you speak. Yes, starting now.
Penny: Bert, you’re a good guy, you deserve a woman who’s interested in more than just your money.
Bert: She was also interested in walking around my house in her underwear. Now the only one doing that is me.
Leonard: If you’re that upset, go get her back.
Bert: I tried. She’s not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone. I made a huge mistake.
Raj: No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.
Penny: Look, sweetie, relationships aren’t about money, okay? It’s about respect and having things in common and… yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: You and Leonard don’t have anything in common. Maybe you should break up.
Leonard: You called on him.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Stuart: Guess who’s home from day care?
Howard: It’s Halley. Unless somebody else put an X on the bottom of their kid’s foot.
Bernadette: You realize they called when you took her.
Howard: Guess who’s home from the aquarium?
Scene: The apartment.
Bert: Sorry again for barging in.
Leonard: You don’t have to go. You’re welcome to hang with us.
Sheldon: Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour.
Bert: You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.
Raj: I feel bad for Bert.
Sheldon: So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny?
Leonard: It’s totally different. Bert’s money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time.
Penny: All that and he’s shorter than me.
Raj: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?
Sheldon: Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.
Raj: Really?
Amy: Relax. We’re the same blood type. He knew he could harvest an organ.
Scene: The daycare.
Howard: She does look happy.
Bernadette: See? This is the right thing for her. Let’s all just go to work.
Stuart: Any time.
Bernadette: Let me just say good-bye. Halley. Look at Mommy. Over here, honey. Say good-bye to Mommy. Look at me. Look at your mother. All right, we can go.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together.
Amy: So welcome to tonight’s episode,
Together: Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags: A Retrospective Retrospective.
Sheldon: Ooh, we already have our first call.
Amy: Oh. Hello, you’re on Fun with Flags.
Bert: The Jet Ski worked. I got her back.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: We’re pinned down.
Howard: We can’t get through.
Raj: Sheldon, get over here and help.
Sheldon: Okay, one second.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you jumping up and down?
Sheldon: I’m trying to shoot.
Howard: Then use the shoot button, not the wonderful thing about Tiggers button.
Leonard: Aw.
Raj: That’s it, we’re dead.
Howard: Okay, challenge them again.
Leonard: Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.
Howard: No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks.
Sheldon: What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.
Howard: Kids are always better at video games.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t like it.
Leonard: Mm, if it makes you feel better, you still dress like a child.
Sheldon: No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone.
Howard: Oh, so our love is not real?
Raj: Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room.
Sheldon: I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.
Leonard: Hot dogs.
Sheldon: Yay.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: I didn’t know you could drink while you’re breastfeeding.
Bernadette: Yeah, they say the yeast in beer helps with milk production.
Amy: I’m pretty sure that’s a myth, let me check.
Bernadette: Ruin it for me and I’ll break this glass over your head.
Amy: To denial.
Penny: Ooh. I’m gonna get another. You want food?
Bernadette: Yeah, breastfeeding burns, like, 5,000 calories a day. Do not touch that phone.
Zack: Penny?
Penny: Oh, Zack. Hey.
Zack: What are the odds of running into you here?
Penny: Well, it’s a bar, so pretty good. Uh, what’s new?
Zack: Oh, tons of stuff. Put artificial grass in my backyard, got engaged, had a scary mole that turned out to be Sharpie.
Penny: Well, congratulations.
Zack: That’s what my dermatologist said.
Penny: No, on, on getting engaged, good for you.
Zack: Oh, thanks. How about you? Hey, how’s Leonard? Is he still smart?
Penny: Yes, yes, he’s working for the government on an infinite persistence gyroscope. Of course, the first time I say it right, he’s not even here.
Zack: I love that little guy. Hey, we should all have dinner sometime.
Penny: Uh, yeah, sure, I’ll check with Leonard.
Zack: Cool, I’ll check with Sara. Sara, pull up my calendar. It never works for me.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about our recent humiliation.
Leonard: You’re gonna have to be more specific.
Sheldon: At the hands of those teenagers.
Leonard: More.
Sheldon: Boy teenagers.
Leonard: Oh, the video game. Yeah, that was bad.
Sheldon: I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging.
Raj: You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?
Howard: Now, this is rare. I don’t know which one of you I want to stop talking first.
Sheldon: The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous.
Raj: Like J-Lo’s hair.
Howard: Boy, it is neck and neck right now.
Leonard: How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles?
Sheldon: Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion.
Leonard: I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.
Raj: If you really want to challenge yourself, you could learn to speak Hindi.
Sheldon: Jab mein aat saal ka tha maine seekha tha. (I did that when I was eight)
Raj: Could you say that in English? I actually, I never learned Hindi.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, you ready to go?
Leonard: Yeah, I guess.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Leonard: Honestly? It’s a little strange having dinner with your ex-boyfriend, and it’s not like we have a lot to talk about.
Penny: What? He loves you, okay? And he’s interested in your work. You could talk about the infinite perspective… I swear I know it.
Leonard: It’ll be fine, let’s just go.
Penny: Well, and his fiancée will be there, so you know, if the conversation lags, we can talk about their wedding.
Leonard: Aaargh.
Penny: Come on, I spent an entire plane ride with you talking about the trailer for Deadpool 2.
Leonard: Ha, I knew you weren’t asleep.
Scene: A restaurant.
Zack: Hey, guys.
Penny: Hi. Hey, where’s your fiancée?
Zack: Oh, she couldn’t make it. She had an emergency.
Penny: Oh, no, what happened?
Zack: I didn’t ask.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Amy: What smells so good?
Sheldon: Raj is teaching me to make croissants.
Amy: Is this part of your super-aging?
Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.
Raj: Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these.
Sheldon: Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?
Amy: Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills.
Sheldon: For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.
Raj: You want a real challenge, try keeping me from eating more of these.
Sheldon: You’re just using food to mask the fear that you’re fundamentally unlovable and therefore going to be alone forever.
Raj: Damn it, he’s good at that, too.
Scene: The restaurant.
Zack: Thanks. Wow, working on a top secret government project, that is so cool. Do you have a bodyguard to keep spies away?
Leonard: I have Sheldon, that keeps most people away.
Zack: I miss that guy. He’s like the Swedish Chef Muppet. I don’t know what he’s saying, but he’s funny.
Leonard: Oh, I know what he’s saying, and he’s not, he’s not funny.
Zack: So, Penny, what’s going on with you? How’s the job?
Penny: Uh, it’s okay, I’m still in pharmaceutical sales.
Leonard: She’s doing amazing. She can actually make a side effect, like 10% chance of liver failure, sound like a 90% chance of liver success.
Penny: Yeah, lying isn’t my favourite part of the job. Actually, I’m not crazy about a lot of it.
Zack: Hey, if you’re not happy there, I’ve been looking for a new head of sales at my company. And we don’t sell drugs, just menus, so the only lie you’ll be telling is we print on recycled paper. We don’t.
Penny: Oh, that’s a nice offer.
Zack: You know, we’d make a great team. Or as we say in the menu business, I can’t do this without Me N U.
Penny: Right, ’cause it spells menu.
Zack: Yeah, right? It’s funny. I got a lot of menu jokes, but that’s my favourite.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: All right, this is everything. What do you want to learn?
Sheldon: It really doesn’t matter, as long as it’s challenging.
Howard: Okay, well, how about, oh, I teach you some close-up magic.
Sheldon: Howard, I’m trying to make myself uncomfortable, not everyone else.
Bernadette: So you wanted to learn something physical and you came to Howard Wolowitz?
Howard: Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle?
Bernadette: Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.
Howard: And it’s hard, isn’t it? So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one. Hmm?
Sheldon: Okay, I think I got that.
Howard: Uh, hold on. There’s an old saying in juggling.
Bernadette: Is it I’m going to die alone?
Howard: No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it.
Sheldon: Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? ‘Cause I’m feeling a twinge.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny: See, that wasn’t so bad. He even picked up the check.
Leonard: Yeah. Although, when he was trying to figure out the tip, I’m pretty sure I saw smoke coming out of his ears. You’re not really considering working for him, are you?
Penny: Well, maybe, I mean, it seems kind of perfect. I have sales experience, and I’ve been a waitress, so I have restaurant experience, and if he’s figuring out my Christmas bonus, we could buy a boat.
Leonard: Don’t you think it might be a little weird to work for someone you used to date?
Penny: You work with Sheldon, you tell me.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s weird.
Penny: Okay, are you seriously jealous of me working with Zack?
Leonard: No, no, I’m not jealous, I just think you have got a good thing going where you are right now, and you make great money and you haven’t slept with any of your co-workers.
Penny: Great, so you want me to stay at a job I’m not happy at?
Leonard: Uh.
Penny: You okay? You kind of look like Zack trying to figure out that tip.
Leonard: Of course I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I also want you to be smart, and working for an ex-boyfriend isn’t very smart. You don’t have to stop, just slow down, I’ll jump out.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Amy, look, I’m on a unicycle!
Amy: How did you get from croissants to a unicycle?
Sheldon: I hurt myself juggling.
Amy: Where did you get it?
Sheldon: Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.
Amy: Have you tried letting go of the rope?
Sheldon: What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.
Amy: All right, well, have fun.
Sheldon: Wait, I need help getting down.
Amy: Well, what do you want me to do?
Sheldon: Drag out our mattress and put it over here, then go across the hall, get their mattress and put it over here. But before you do any of that, scratch my nose.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So you told her she was being dumb?
Leonard: No, I told her she was being not smart. Which was dumb.
Raj: Why did you even go to dinner with the guy?
Leonard: We covered this, I’m dumb.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Penny: So he’s my ex-boyfriend, who cares? I can’t believe Leonard would be so insecure.
Bernadette: Really? I have no trouble believing that at all.
Penny: And Zack’s engaged. Leonard has no reason to feel threatened.
Bernadette: We’re talking about the same Leonard, right?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So you think it’s fine if she works for Zack?
Howard: I don’t know, maybe.
Raj: Well, he is much more attractive than Leonard.
Howard: Yes, but that’s gonna be true of a lot of guys she works for.
Leonard: Yeah, but she also used to sleep with Zack.
Howard: Again.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: I would never let Howard work with an ex.
Penny: What, you wouldn’t trust him?
Bernadette: I wouldn’t trust her. He’s thin and sexy like a Jewish greyhound.
Penny: Yeah, that, that is the sexiest dog.
Bernadette: And I’d like to think Howie wouldn’t take a job I was uncomfortable with.
Penny: ‘Cause he’s scared of you?
Bernadette: Terrified.
Penny: Yeah.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: You know what? I’m with Leonard, this isn’t cool.
Leonard: Thank you.
Raj: I disagree. Penny is a strong, independent woman. The more you try to control her, the more she’ll push back.
Leonard: So you think it’s okay?
Raj: Oh, no, she’s gonna leave you for someone, might as well get it over with.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m returning this stuff to Howard.
Amy: Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle?
Sheldon: Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.
Amy: You said juggling was dumb, too.
Sheldon: Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.
Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up?
Sheldon: Are you calling me a quitter?
Amy: Well, if you honestly…
Sheldon: This conversation is over.
Amy: His mother warned me. Everybody warned me. Actually, he warned me.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: You want to talk?
Leonard: That doesn’t seem to be where I shine. How about I just give you one of these?
Penny: Look, we can have a reasonable conversation and I won’t get mad. I don’t like it after sex, and I don’t like it now.
Leonard: Yeah, sorry.
Penny: Yeah. All right, just come here. Look, I get me working with Zack is weird and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.
Leonard: Well, thanks. And I don’t want you to be stuck at a job you don’t like.
Penny: Then what do we do?
Leonard: Well, I don’t love it, but if you really want to take this job, I’ll find a way to deal with it.
Penny: No, I know you’ll try, but it’ll make you miserable, which will make me miserable, and I’m just gonna stay where I’m at for now.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, you’re, you’re unhappy there and then you’re gonna blame me for making you stay, and it’s fine, I’ll just, I’ll suck it up.
Penny: You don’t need to do that, it’s okay.
Leonard: Yeah, see, now I feel terrible, like I’m being selfish and holding you back. What? Say something. Yeah, that is pretty annoying.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.
Amy: I made you tea.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: I’m sorry I called you a quitter.
Sheldon: It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.
Amy: What are you reading?
Sheldon: This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So I’m running out of time.
Amy: That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you.
Sheldon: Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.
Amy: Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books.
Sheldon: Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.
Amy: Okay, fine, let’s say you never win a Nobel Prize. Let’s say you spend your life doing solid scientific research surrounded by friends and loved ones who appreciate you, not for what you’ve accomplished but for who you are as a man. Wouldn’t that be a life well-lived?
Sheldon: You’re so cute. I’m gonna go learn how to walk on stilts.
Amy: So many warnings.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, are you sure about this?
Leonard: Absolutely. I just want you to be happy. And maybe a little turned on about how selfless I’m being.
Zack (on phone): Penny, what’s up?
Penny: Hey, uh, so I’ve been thinking about it and I want to take the job.
Zack: Oh, bad news. When my fiancée found out that I was offering a job to my ex-girlfriend, she said it was a stupid idea and threw a shoe at me.
Penny: Oh, so there’s no job?
Zack: Nope, just a little bump on my forehead.
Penny: Okay, thanks anyway. Bye. Well, his fiancée thought the idea of us working together was stupid. You were right, I was wrong. Aren’t you gonna say anything?
Leonard: Not if I want to be doing this later.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Hey, I didn’t know you were home. Where you been?
Howard: I went to see your mom.
Bernadette: Seriously, where were you?
Howard: I just told you, your mom’s.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, since you find my magic tricks so embarrassing, I got to wondering what cool hobbies you had as a kid.
Bernadette: Oh. What’d she say?
Howard: She didn’t say much of anything. But she said a lot. (Through ventriloquist’s doll) Hi, Bernadette, remember me?
Bernadette: First of all, that’s not what she sounds like, she’s from South Carolina.
Howard: I can’t believe you made fun of me all these years while you were a closeted ventriloquist.
Bernadette: Okay, it’s not like I wanted to be a ventriloquist. I was in beauty pageants and I needed a talent besides spreading rumours that the other contestants were pregnant.
Howard: Well, since you enjoyed getting rid of all my stuff, you know, maybe we should throw this little lady in the wood chipper.
Bernadette: No. And the little lady has a name.
Howard: Which is?
Bernadette: Tammy Jo St. Cloud.
Howard: Tammy Jo St. Cloud. Oh, and I’m a dork for juggling.
Bernadette: Sorry, you’re not a dork. (Through doll) You’re a clown. (Bernadette) Tammy Jo, don’t say that, you’ll make him feel bad. (Doll) Look at him, what reason he got to feel good?
Howard: All right, very funny.
Bernadette: Don’t listen to her, she’s been in a box for, like, 25 years. (Doll) Yeah, back when his haircut was fashionable.
Howard: That’s enough, put her away.
Bernadette (as Doll): Oh, big daddy, I don’t think so. You marry Miss Bernie, you marry me. We all family now.
Howard: All right, you’re freaking me out.
Bernadette (as Doll): Don’t be that way. If you don’t mind a few splinters, we can have us a ménage à trois. Ooh.
Scene: A street.
Sheldon: I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m tall and I’m doing it. (Waking up in bed) Ah, man.
After a “previously on” segment.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Champagne, champagne.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: And for the world’s tallest second grader, apple juice.
Sheldon: Thank you. No bendy straw, some party.
Leonard: Hey, a toast. Thank you all for your support while we worked on our Air Force project. And please know that we could not have done it without you, so cheers.
All: Cheers.
Amy: You know, it’s nice of you to acknowledge us, but this is your accomplishment.
Bernadette: Yeah, you guys did this all on your own.
Raj: Without me.
Sheldon: To success without Raj.
Bernadette: So what happens next?
Howard: Phase two, we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.
Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll definitely live long enough. Vitamin C.
Leonard: First thing tomorrow morning, we’re back at it.
Raj: Without me.
Sheldon: I hope his character doesn’t make it into the movie, he’s kind of a bummer.
Scene: Outside the lab.
Computer Voice: Leonard Hofstadter. Access granted.
Leonard: Hmm. I don’t care if this thing is burning out my retinas, it makes me feel special. Now, before we field test, I think we…
Howard: What the hell?
Leonard: Where is everything?
Sheldon: Who else has access to this room?
Leonard: It’s a secure lab in a classified facility, only the U.S. government and us.
Sheldon: This is disconcerting.
Howard: But the movie did just get good.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The laboratory .
Leonard: Sir, I, I, I’m sorry but I just don’t get it. You came into our lab in the middle of the night and took our prototype and all of our research and didn’t even tell us?
Col. Williams: Sounds like you get it.
Howard: But why would you do that?
Col. Williams: You guys completed phase one, we’ll take it from here.
Sheldon: Where did you move it?
Col. Williams: I can’t tell you that.
Leonard: Are you implementing phase two?
Col. Williams: I can’t tell you that.
Sheldon: Wait, so you’re just going to take all the work we’ve done for the last year and toss us aside?
Col: Williams: That one I can tell you, yes.
Howard: This is all very upsetting.
Col. Williams: I’m sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people’s feelings.
Sheldon: If that’s sarcasm, please save it for our enemies.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I may be moving out soon. I think I found a place to live.
Penny: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Raj: Really? You kept sending me apartment listings.
Penny: Um, well, I, yeah, you got me.
Amy: Where are you moving?
Penny: And when? But also where?
Raj: Bert has a room for rent.
Bernadette: So you’re gonna be roommates with Bert?
Raj: Uh, no, it’s, uh, pretty private, actually, it’s over his garage. So the only time I’ll see him is when he pulls his car in, does his laundry or practices drums in my dining room.
Amy: Well, good for you. I actually have a little news myself.
Penny: Okay, we’re just gonna circle back to when he’s moving out? Okay, that’s cool.
Amy: I was, uh, asked to be a visiting researcher at Princeton.
Bernadette: Hey, that’s amazing.
Penny: Good for you.
Raj: Congratulations.
Amy: Thanks, but the thing is I’ll be gone for a few months and I don’t know how Sheldon’s gonna feel about that.
Penny: Oh, come on, he’s a grown man, he can take care of himself.
Amy: You really believe that?
Penny: Once again, you got me.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: How can you work on something for a year and they just take it?
Leonard: I can’t believe the Air Force would treat us like that.
Sheldon: You know, I have a good mind to stop paying my taxes. It’s too bad I enjoy doing them so much. The Air Force did it again. They’re erasing our lives.
Leonard: Third floor, wrong apartment.
Howard: Although, if anyone’s gonna clean out your apartment and disappear, it’d be Penny.
Leonard: She might disappear, but she’s definitely not cleaning anything.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: It’s okay, everything’s here.
Penny: Oh, hey, what’s going on?
Leonard: You won’t believe it, the military confiscated our project.
Penny: What?
Bernadette: You’re kidding. Why would they do that?
Howard: They wouldn’t say.
Sheldon: I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m so sorry.
Sheldon: Thank you. Can we just talk about something else?
Leonard: Yeah, what’s going on with you guys?
Howard: Give us some good news.
Penny: Amy’s got some news.
Amy: Yeah, um, Raj is moving out.
Leonard: Oh, no. When?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s van.
Bernadette: You doing okay?
Howard: Not really.
Bernadette: Want me to put on some Neil Diamond? That always makes you feel better.
Howard: No. Then you’ll get all sexed up and I’m not in the mood. I mean, an entire year wasted.
Bernadette: You might be forgetting another accomplishment of the past year.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, yeah, we brought life into the world.
Bernadette: Really? That’s the importance you put on us having a baby?
Howard: I’m happy about it, but, I mean, it’s not like I did much. I mean, after the first three minutes it was pretty much all you.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny (on phone): So, did you tell him about Princeton yet?
Amy: No, I’m waiting till he’s in a good mood.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you might not live that long.
Amy: I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go.
Penny: Oh, stop it, he’ll be fine.
Amy: I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time.
Penny; Oh, damn, wait, you know, maybe you shouldn’t go.
Amy: Got to go. Morning.
Sheldon: I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.
Amy: Are you feeling okay?
Sheldon: Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.
Amy: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Sheldon: No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.
Amy: Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain.
Sheldon: What’s the occasion?
Amy: No occasion, I just wanted to do something nice for you.
Sheldon: You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.
Amy: Oh. That’s sweet, but you, you did just fine on your own.
Sheldon: Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.
Amy: Sheldon, you’re, you’re being silly.
Sheldon: No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?
Amy: You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new.
Sheldon: Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.
Amy: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks.
Sheldon: I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.
Amy: That is true, I have said that.
Sheldon: Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?
Amy: I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton.
Sheldon: Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.
Amy: Yeah, that’s the one.
Sheldon: Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.
Amy: Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first.
Sheldon: What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.
Amy: So are you.
Sheldon: Thank you, but I’ll be fine.
Amy: Are, are you sure?
Sheldon: Yes. I may have lost my guidance system and my girlfriend, but I still have a colon full of yesterday’s meals to keep me company. Although, thanks to your high fibre breakfast, I’m sure that’ll be leaving me, too.
Scene: A park.
Bernadette: Really? He doesn’t put raisins or banana slices or anything in it?
Amy: I don’t think plain oatmeal was the point of that story.
Penny: I mean, I like a little brown sugar.
Amy: Guys.
Penny: Sorry.
Bernadette: You’re still gonna go, right?
Amy: I don’t know. Sheldon’s so vulnerable right now.
Penny: Oh, come on. Look, if the roles were reversed, he’d be on the first train to New Jersey, or the second train if there were teenagers on the first one.
Bernadette: Well, distance might be nice. The last time a big project ended for Howie, he wouldn’t stop following me around. He even went with me to get a mammogram.
Penny: Well, what’s wrong with that?
Bernadette: No, he wanted to get one with me, like some kind of weird couple’s massage.
Penny: And yet you bore his child. Neato.
Bernadette: You’re excited about this opportunity, right?
Amy: Of course. I get to be part of the first team to use radon markers to map the structures that…
Penny: Okay, a simple yes will do.
Bernadette: You have to go.
Amy: I know, but what if Sheldon…
Penny: Okay, listen to me. Your relationship can handle being long distance for a while. It’s not like you two are very physical.
Amy: Hey, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.
Penny: A lot of lectures?
Amy: All right, so you know.
Bernadette: I’m telling you, if you don’t go you’ll end up regretting it.
Howard: Hey, wait up.
Bernadette: Oh, great.
Howard: You left something at home. A big hug.
Bernadette: Oh.
Howard: I found it right next to these kisses.
Bernadette: It’s too late for me. Save yourself.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: So, are you excited to have your own place again?
Raj: I am, but I’ll miss you guys.
Leonard: Ah, we’ll miss you, too.
Raj: You could try saying that without smiling.
Leonard: I’m trying. This is the best I can do. What are you doing?
Sheldon: What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: I got the blues. My baby done left me.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon. Amy’s only gone for a few months. And now that I’m moving out, your old room is empty, so you can stay there whenever you want.
Leonard: Uh, could I talk to you in the hall for a sec?
Raj: Yeah, sure.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re being silly.
Sheldon: Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.
Leonard: Do you really care about that last one?
Sheldon: No, but that list was sounding a little thin.
Leonard: Instead of dwelling on the negative, think about this. Your girlfriend was given an amazing opportunity, which gives you an opportunity to show her that you’re a loving and supportive boyfriend.
Sheldon: So trick her.
Leonard: All right, let me start again. Uh, you and Amy…
Raj (outside): Can I get my stuff? Sounds like it’s gonna be a while.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bathroom.
Howard: I missed you.
Bernadette: Come here, let’s talk.
Howard: Ooh. Sounds serious. Have I been a bad boy? Am I gonna get a spanking ’cause you know.
Bernadette: Just listen. I don’t know if you realize this, but whenever you’re between projects, you tend to get a little insecure.
Howard: Oh.
Bernadette: A little clingy.
Howard: I know and I’m sorry.
Bernadette: Oh, oh, oh, okay, stop. Stop. I love when you’re affectionate, but this is not coming from a good place.
Howard: Well, excuse me, but what did you do when you worked on that allergy drug for two years and the FDA shut down your project?
Bernadette: I signed us up for ballroom dance class.
Howard: Okay, and what did you do when they took you off the antifungal team?
Bernadette: I made us have a baby.
Howard: So?
Bernadette: Bring it in.
Howard: And now the movie just got rated R.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Hey. You going somewhere?
Sheldon: No, but you are, so I got you this as a present.
Amy: Sheldon, that isn’t necessary.
Sheldon: No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.
Amy: Does this mean you’re okay with me going?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…
Amy: I am.
Sheldon: Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.
Amy: I wasn’t thinking that.
Sheldon: Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.
Amy: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Sheldon: All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.
Amy: What if we don’t fold our clothes at all?
Sheldon: Or, what if we fold them?
Scene: The apartment doorway.
Raj: Well, here’s your key back.
Leonard: Thank you.
Raj: As soon as I have the place set up I’m gonna have you guys over.
Penny: Oh, we would love that.
Raj: I really can’t thank you enough for taking me in. You know, I was in a pretty low place in my life.
Sheldon (off): Oh, Amy, you naughty vixen.
Raj: Anyway, uh, as I was saying, I was at a pretty low place in my life and, uh, if it wasn’t for friends
like you…
Amy (off): My goodness, that form of stimulation is highly efficient.
Raj: I can’t compete with that. Bye.
Leonard: Should we give them their privacy?
Penny: I want to, but I don’t think I can.
Sheldon (off): Whoopee!
Penny: Okay, I’m good now.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Okay, the car is waiting. Do you want to walk me downstairs?
Sheldon: Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod.
Amy: Is it?
Sheldon: Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.
Amy: Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while?
Sheldon: It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?
Amy: I’ll love you no matter what.
Sheldon: Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.
Amy: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Sheldon: And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?
Amy: I will.
Sheldon: And when you’re at the gate?
Amy: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?
Amy: I don’t know what they look like, but sure.
Sheldon: And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.
Amy: I won’t.
Sheldon: And every morning.
Amy: Got it.
Sheldon: Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello.
Amy: Good thinking.
Sheldon: And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.
Amy: Thank you. That means a lot.
Sheldon: Oh, and one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist who’s as smart as me, as tall as me and has hair like Thor, well, then I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.
Following a “previously on” sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype.
Sheldon: How are you settling in?
Amy: Pretty well. Princeton has a beautiful campus.
Sheldon: Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.
Amy: Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home?
Sheldon: Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.
Amy: I miss you.
Sheldon: I miss you, too.
Amy: It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar.
Sheldon: I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Amy: In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you.
Sheldon: You know you just split an infinitive.
Amy: Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson?
Sheldon: I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.
Amy: What are you gonna do about it?
Sheldon: I’m going to admonish you.
Amy: Vigorously?
Sheldon: That’s the only kind of admonishing I do.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: How’s Sheldon doing with Amy gone?
Leonard: Well, the last three nights I’ve had to take him to get a haircut, to the train store, and to a Walgreens in Arcadia where they still have the good ibuprofen. Now ask me how I’m doing with Amy gone.
Raj: How are you doing with…
Leonard: Shut up.
Howard: If you’d like, we can help you out.
Leonard: Oh, that would be great.
Howard: I mean, not me, I’ve got a wife and child, but this one posts video of himself flossing on Instagram.
Raj: It was a tutorial. And yes, I’m happy to keep Sheldon company.
Leonard: Great. Tonight he wants to look at ladders at Home Depot.
Raj: Oh, why does he need a ladder?
Leonard: He doesn’t; he just likes looking at them. Bring a book.
Sheldon: Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc.
Ramona Nowitzki: Hello.
Leonard: Hello.
Raj: Hi. Oh, let me bring a chair for you.
Sheldon: Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.
Leonard: Oh. I love those.
Sheldon: Let’s sit somewhere else.
Raj: What just happened?
Howard: A stranger just lured Sheldon away with a candy bar.
Leonard: Wait, isn’t she the grad student that used to follow him around?
Howard: Oh, yeah. Back before he hit puberty and grew man parts.
Raj: So what do you guys think that’s about?
Leonard: Knowing Sheldon, nothing.
Sheldon: So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.
Ramona: Not ’til you tell me about your latest paper on quantum loop theory.
Sheldon: Oh. You must be one of those dessert before dinner people.
Leonard: He just made her laugh, something’s wrong.
Raj: Do you see the way she’s looking at him?
Howard: Yeah. Like Bernadette used to look at me.
Raj: I keep telling you, close the bathroom door.
Leonard: Ah, did you see that? She just touched his hand and he didn’t swat it away. What is happening?
Howard: Okay, the simplest explanation is usually the right one.
Raj: Which is?
Howard: That ain’t Sheldon.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Not only did they eat together, Leonard said he made her laugh.
Bernadette: That’s nothing, Howie said she touched his hand.
Penny: Did he Purell?
Bernadette: No.
Penny: I cannot believe Leonard mentioned the Toblerone but left that part out.
Bernadette: Should we call Amy?
Penny: I don’t know; we shouldn’t worry her if it’s nothing.
Bernadette: I guess we could wait till we have more information about this girl.
Penny: Yeah. Do you think living with Amy has somehow stirred up Sheldon’s sexual appetite?
Bernadette: Ugh. How can you think that? Why would you even put those words together?
Penny: All right, then we agree. He’s not making any moves, it’s this Dr. Ramona chick.
Bernadette: Nowitzki. I googled her, she’s pretty cute.
Penny: Really? All I got from Leonard was the Toblerone bar had nuts.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype.
Sheldon: And get this, I saw an articulating ladder with dual-leg leveling, which delivers stability and adaptability to uneven terrain.
Amy: Sounds like a big night.
Sheldon: Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?
Amy: So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely?
Sheldon: Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch
with Dr. Nowitzki.
Amy: Who’s he?
Sheldon: Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman.
Amy: Oh. Really? Uh, when did you meet her?
Sheldon: Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.
Amy: Huge fan, you say?
Sheldon: Yes. I think you’d like her. She’s extremely intelligent, just like you. Unlike you, she’s tall, blonde and used to be an Olympic swimmer.
Amy: That’s terrific. I’ll call you right back.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny (answering skype): Oh, hey, Amy.
Amy: I gave you one job. Keep an eye on him. How hard is that?
Penny: We thought you meant not letting him run out into traffic.
Bernadette: Which he only did once.
Amy: Why didn’t you tell me?
Bernadette: We didn’t want you to worry.
Amy: Should I worry?
Penny: No. Come on, it’s Sheldon. Nothing is gonna happen.
Amy: That’s what you said to me when I started dating him. And then five years later, bingo bango, something happened.
Bernadette: Yeah, but you’re gonna be back in three months.
Amy: You don’t get it. I’ve been smacking that ketchup bottle for a long time. All she’s got to do is tip it over and point it at her fries.
Penny: Well, what do you want us to do?
Amy: I don’t know. Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.
Bernadette: That’s ridiculous. As far as we know, all that happened is two scientists had lunch.
Amy: Yeah, but one of those scientists is a tall, blonde Olympic swimmer.
Penny: Come on. Looks don’t matter to Sheldon. Because he only has eyes for you.
Amy: Nice try.
Penny: Thanks. I was scrambling.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: It’s unbelievable. Sheldon has lunch with another woman and somehow my wife yells at me.
Leonard: Penny laid into me, too. Apparently, I’m overly fixated on premium Swiss chocolate bars.
Raj: Can you even eat those things?
Leonard: If I take a Lactaid a half-hour before and some Pepto right after.
Raj: Sounds like a lot of work.
Leonard: Eh, I’m worth it.
Howard: Guys. Focus. Should we do something about Nowitzki?
Leonard: Like what?
Raj: Uh, well, she’s single, so if somebody else asks her out and she says yes, then we know she’s not into Sheldon.
Stuart: I’ll do it.
Leonard: No offence, Stuart, but the woman’s a doctor.
Stuart: So? Doctors like me. Whenever I see mine he calls in a bunch of other doctors to have a look.
Howard: She’s not that kind of doctor.
Stuart: Oh. Well, her loss. I’ve been called a genuine medical oddity.
Raj: Actually, I was going to suggest me.
Howard: Great. Anybody’s better than, mmm.
Stuart: Excuse me. They took out my spleen and gallbladder, not my feelings.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Dr. Nowitzki. Good to see you.
Ramona: Good to see you, too.
Raj: May I join you?
Ramona: No.
Raj: Good to see you.
Howard: We should call Guinness, that might be a record.
Raj: She’s clearly having a working lunch and preferred to eat alone.
Ramona: Dr. Cooper, over here.
Raj: I could have made her very happy.
Leonard: You kept walking. I think you did.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Do you really think there’s reason to worry?
Leonard: Yeah, she’s definitely going after Sheldon.
Raj: I made a play for her and she shot me down.
Penny: All right, well, that doesn’t prove anything.
Bernadette: Yeah, there’s a million reasons a woman would shoot Raj down.
Raj: Like, really, a million?
Bernadette: Fine, hundreds.
Raj: Thank you.
Penny: The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting.
Sheldon: Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki.
Ramona: Hi.
All; Hi.
Sheldon: We just went swimming.
Scene: The same, later.
Leonard: And you actually got in a pool?
Sheldon: I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.
Ramona: I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day.
Sheldon: Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts.
Bernadette: Can I just squeeze in here?
Penny: So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy?
Sheldon: Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.
Ramona: Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her.
Sheldon: That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.
Leonard: Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend?
Sheldon: Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing?
Ramona: No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships.
Raj: I think you made that very clear.
Sheldon: She was part of the American team at CERN.
Ramona: I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson.
Sheldon: Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?
Ramona: Absolutely.
Sheldon: I’ll get them.
Ramona: Well, hang on, I’ll come with you.
Sheldon: Oh, fun. Like a play date.
Penny: Okay, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that exactly what we were supposed to stop from happening?
Bernadette: I threw my body at them, what else did you want me to do?
Leonard: You think you should call Amy?
Penny: You got fingers and a mouth, you call her.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Here you go.
Ramona: Are these all from Peter Higgs?
Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.
Amy: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, hello, Amy.
Amy: I was missing you again.
Sheldon: I miss you, too. Hey, this is good timing. Remember that Dr. Nowitzki I told you about? She’s right here.
Amy: She’s what?
Ramona: Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Ramona: So nice to meet you.
Amy: Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry.
Sheldon: What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?
Amy: It’s not important.
Sheldon: I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?
Ramona: I do.
Sheldon: See? We both think so.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: All right, this is making me crazy. Somebody’s got to go over there.
Leonard: You got feet and legs, you do it.
Penny: Will you go with me?
Bernadette: To do what? Shake a can of nickels at them?
Raj: We’re being ridiculous. There’s no way a woman that attractive is trying to seduce Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: You done trying to make yourself feel better?
Raj: No. I haven’t played the race card yet.
Sheldon: Hey, I hate to break up the party, but Amy says I’m tired and have to go to bed.
Ramona: It was nice seeing everybody. Thank you for dinner.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Our pleasure.
Raj: Whatever.
Ramona: Walk me to my car?
Sheldon: Of course.
Penny: We’ll all go.
Bernadette: Excuse me.
Penny: Pardon. I just need to., yeah.
Sheldon: That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.
Scene: The street.
Sheldon: Bye.
Penny: We need to talk.
Sheldon: What? Is this about Leonard and Amy? I don’t like it either.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with women, but Ramona seems to have a romantic interest in you.
Sheldon: That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend.
Penny: Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more.
Sheldon: That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.
Penny: Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.
Sheldon: I already do.
Penny: Well, then you get it.
Sheldon: Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.
Penny: Right.
Sheldon: Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.
Penny: Let’s forget the toy thing, okay? Um, maybe…
Sheldon: Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.
Penny: All right. What do you think is happening?
Sheldon: I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill.
Penny: Don’t look at me like that, I tried.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Ramona: Hey, did you eat yet?
Sheldon: Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.
Ramona: Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches.
Sheldon: How thoughtful. Thank you.
Ramona: Mmm. No big deal, I enjoy spending time with you.
Sheldon: And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?
Ramona: What if I were?
Sheldon: Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.
Scene: Princeton.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Will you marry me?